full offense but if you say that you are a "super" Tolkien fan who has read LOTR and the Silmarillion multiple times and that you watched Rings of Power and it was "very true to Tolkien and honored him and really felt like Tolkien and that he would have approved" I'm going to assume that either a) you are lying about ever read Tolkien, or b) you have terrible reading comprehension bc I have no idea how you could read any Tolkien anything and then say that Rings of Power bears any resemblance to anything that man would have given his approval to, but okay. (And I'm not even talking about people who liked it, this is specifically talking about people who are like "~it's very true to Tolkien" bc lol no)

For the first time in a long time I went to the movies in forever and then to Target. At Target I see some Godiva bars on discount yellow tags and I was ecstatic until I read 70% Cacao, Dark, Salted Caramel and was deflated.

Anyway that's how I felt about seeing The Green Knight. What you thought this was about chocolate?

No see since the pandemic I've been back on my perennial King Arthur kick. I've for a long time since I was a young preteen thought, someday I too will write my own King Arthur epic and it'll be gay, magical, gangster and culty too, but for now I'll make up my own stories for practice and then with every story I got attached too, it got too involved and convoluted to the point that when it came down to actually writing a novel, I threw it all away and made a space opera I only planned in two weeks and wrote in a month. Anyway...so now I've been writing this very gay, magical, gangster and culty take on Final Fantasy XV with my boyfriend and just fell in love with Somnus Lucis Caelum who nobody has any insight about him than to make him the Mordred to Ardyn's Arthur, which is a strange flex, but okay, I thought about what if I wrote a Dark Age prequel about Ardyn and Somnus, but Ardyn becomes king and Somnus his shogun and they play games of seduction and power because I'm twisted like that. Anyway...I was like I'm never going to write this and I have to keep making up characters based on FFXV characters and King Arthur tropes because there's not a lot of stories that take place during the Dark Ages, it's always some Roman Empire story, or High Middle Ages and FFXV gave no room for either society to happen after the fall of Solheim and the rise of King Somnus...so we left with Dark Ages, y'all, the King Arthur comparisons are obvious, but Ardyn is no Arthur and Somnus is no Mordred, Aera is only Guenevere if you make up an affair with Somnus, Gilgamesh is no Bedwyr/Bedivere, but uh...they both amputees and the oldest companions to their respective kings so...I guess. Anyway making an ancestor of Cor Leonis and deciding well he's Owain/Yvain, or am Ignis type as idk Sir Cai/Kay I guess, they both cook, but Cai's more like Seifer Almasy than any FF character... Anyway I'm losing people.

My plan was to just scrap the FFXV prequel, leave my Somnus ideas into Overtime (a gangster and gods story) and just plan an actual King Arthur adaptation. I'd have King Arthur the treasure hunter, leader of a warband turned founder of Camelot who fights giants, giant cats and dogheads, but also fights King Claudas of the Franks and King Aelle of the Saxons and Cerdic a Briton who puts in his lot with the Saxons, etc. It'd been a a glorified turf war, meanwhile Arthur's gotta make alliances with King Pelles, The Fisher King and his strange cult he's founded because, why yes I find the ends justifies the means prophecy of the Holy Grail Quest very culty because Christianity then does not resemble it now. Meanwhile you got the secondary plots of Mordred, Gawain, Lancelot, Percival, Tristam and other's going on because they matter and too many modern King Arthur stories sideline the knights.

So many have always sidelined Mordred as a final boss eldritch abomination in mortal flesh conceived of sin and give him no personality, or complex motives, or even just a relationship with Arthur. I also have noticed the general sidelining of Lancelot, or give him a chad villain upgrade if you must include him at all, and the villainizing of Gawain to the point that you don't even have to have Mordred, or Agravain as a catalyst shit stirrer in court, just slap Gawain's name on Liam Neeson in a top knot and you're good. Mordred can just be a child offscreen until last act...fuck that, while Morgan Le Fay can either be a villainess plotting her cabal through men, or a well-intentioned, ineffectual idiot. Fuck that.

Now Hollywood just be doing King Arthur first acts that suck ass, only for said director to get rewarded failing upwards by giving this same jerk the Aladdin remake. The tonally shitty, crammed in blockbuster mess of a cliche heroe's journey that sucks.

With that background I was excited for The Green Knight. I read an illustrative version as a kid, I read Tolkien's translation as a teenager, I read Simon Armitage's superior, but with liberties taken translation. I was prepped to go knowing that indie, or not they were going to make changes to weave the disjointed poem together. I'm excited that because this movie exists Project Guternberg's finally thrown Jessie Weston's prose rendition up on their website. I'll be reading that at some point when this blows over.

The movie adaptation makes a lot of...choices, many I wouldn't love, but would forgive had their been a payoff. There was none.

The journey was fine, the cinematography was a breath of fresh air after crappy slo mo, glossy action scenes ruined another. Guys, I don't think I want to see a Zack Snyder Excalibur, it'll marginally be better than Guy Ritchie, but that ain't saying anything. Leave Excalibur to the post-Star Wars 80s where it is impeccable for it's time. I liked Green Knight's breathable pacing, it's color palette's in the forests and mountains made up for the muddy grey of every Ridley Scott send up in the castles and villages in every other Dark Ages/Medieval story in the last I don’t know since the shitty 00′s. For all the dark tones when there was blues, greens, yellows or reds, they were vibrant in this movie to contrast the gloom of Britain. The soundtrack was good. This isn't all what makes a movie, but it enhances it so let's get to the story and what I did and didn't like.

Things I Liked: Gawain is still a novice in his career The Costume Dressing Everyone pronounces Gawain's name different. I pronounce it like Gwayne, or Guh Wayne, but here you got Gowen (like Owen), Gowan (like Rowan), or even Garlon who I'm pretty sure is the Fisher King's heir in some versions of that Arthurian story, so uh... The reference to Arthur slaying 960 men with his bare hands (Nennius for the win!) The Waste Land that is implied to be a site of a battle (an important aspect of the Arthurian landscape) The Fox companion No long grisly, drawn out hunting scenes. The Fox lives! No misogynist speeches

Things I'm Mixed: This being a dream, is the magic real? Are the giants? Is the Green Knight a figment of Gawain's imagination from a spell Morgan casted in him to hallucinate? Is Lord and Lady also figments? It's...a way to interpret the poem, but lazy and I don't see why it's got to all fantasy, or all dream...this movie makes it too vague you're stuck picking one camp than to accept it's a fantasy with dream and hallucinatory sequences.

Things I'm Meh: Morgan Le Fay as Gawain's mom. Look I fucking hate Morgause as a character and these two get merged and steal each other's aspects so much at this point the difference is who did they marry, King Urien or King Lot? Both are attributed to being Mordred's mom, Mordred is Gawain's brother...both practice magic depending on certain incarnations, both love and hate Arthur their brother and are in conflict with him. Saint Winifred. I actually liked this sequence, but I don't appreciate her as the tacked on wife in the later dream sequence as like...a contrast between the wife you should marry than the whore next door you don't respect anyway? I don't even know what lesson I'm supposed to get out of the damn dream sequence, or any of it? That Gawain should've married his girlfriend and then he'd be a just ruler? That he shouldn't be king? That he'd never have to make the same heartless, impartial choices? I don't know, he seemed like a king doing king shit because guess what? It never gets easier. Wars will be waged. The world didn't become better because he married the right woman, respected her and lived in obscurity. The world didn't become better because he made her his queen. We certainly don't know the world would be better Gawain had his head chopped off and dead XP They never reveal the Lord and the Green Knight as one and the same because of this shit.

Things I Hated: Arthur withdraws from the challenge because he's old. In poem he takes it on and Gawain takes it so he don't have to and he finds himself more disposable than the king. Gawain only takes the challenge because of arrogance. Arthur and Gawain had no prior personal relationship. I'd not have hated this so much if it wasn't compounded by it cancelling out the first two things. Gawain is portrayed as having no respect for his woman, or any woman, maybe his mother? He has to be pushed by Winifred to regain her head. Gawain is portrayed as arrogant, covetous and ready to pass the buck, or the bare minimum than have any honor or decency. It didn't matter the kid in the wasteland was shithead bandit, the way Gawain acted towards him, when he gets robbed, it almost feels like he deserved it and Gawain doesn't learn a damn lesson. I'll admit him taking the sword to cut his ropes and cutting his hands was a neat sequence, it shows him go from stupid, to almost clever and having will to survive...you know traits he had in the poem, but he stops showing these traits or growing. Basically Gawain has to be dragged kicking and screaming to help people and shows no fortitude when facing temptation, or when showing respect towards others, it's exhausting. You don't make this kind of journey story without character growth. Why are you skipping this? Also is it just me, or is this like when you take Frank Miller Batman and transport him onto a Bill Finger story? This is at best Thomas Malory Gawain (and this is charitable) transported on the earlier Pearl Poet's story. Stop it. It's not tonally correct and goes at odds with the story and the set up characterization you'd need to tell it. Speaking of which, you know how I get through the oof... of Liam Neeson Gawain in Excalibur? By pretending he Agravain instead. Here...I don't even think Gawain could pass as Mordred in spite of his covetous nature, lust and entitlement. Why? because I don't think even Mordred is this dumb to warrant this hubris. Essel being invented as a tacked on love interest just to be shit on utterly and for what? I don't think I have much commentary here as there is no Essel I'm aware of to compare, or stack up. I just notice this trope of like...usually if you include a sex worker in Hollywood she often has a heart of gold, she often has her own sense of values that goes at odds with society, but is more true and less hypocritical than a privileged lady’s. I thought that's what they would've done with the added trope of back at home sweetheart to contrast and pit her against the despicable femme fatale of Lady Bertilak and her adultery and her ladyship...and I'm glad they didn't...but you did nothing with Essel than to shit on her for existing when you made her exist, you know. Lady Bertilak being portrayed as the seductress devil incarnate. Look I know adultery is a touchy taboo, but uh her and Gawain hit it off in the poem, dammit! Her values and his values come to clash, but here it's played off as Gawain is stupid and covetous and Lady Bertilak wants to prove something because...? If my brother's theory that she's a figment of Morgan Le Fay's magic, then I'll take this as a lesson of Gawain is impulsive and covetous and his mom knows it, but he don't want to fuck his mom, but he wants her power, and Morgan wants to teach him a lesson... I guess. Hey we don't have misogynist speeches in this movie, but we'll make sure to have the movie drip with it with no point, or commentary. Pass. Lord guilting, extracting and initiating the same sex kiss and only once. Poem automatically better that Gawain don't have to keep being reminded to keep his part of the bargain and he does it willingly more than once. What he doesn't do is give up his belt...gods how did we get more homophobic as a society that the homoeroticism here is worse? Catholics of the middle ages officially had no issue doing same sex, passionate kissing until it lead to sex. The Ending: The gods damn ending. In the movie as is, Gawain waits to uphold his end of the bargain and get his head chopped off. He imagines, even though we don't get any fuzzy or distortion to indicate this is a dream, but I already knew this was coming, he runs away and comes home, is regarded a hero, he sees his lady, takes her from behind and if you saw Brokeback Mountain (I didn't, but DJ has) you know this is a sign of disrespect to women. He gets her knocked up, pays her off for the kid she wants to keep, he is crowned king, marries the ghostly saint lady he helped retrieve her head earlier from a lake in the movie (this right here is the damn tip off). There's no more dialogue by this point and everything is montaging, so you know by now it's a dream, though nothing is out of focus. He rules as a heartless king, his whore son dies from war he waged, he has a daughter, his wife dies. Gawain then takes off the belt that would've saved his life and his head falls off. This would've been the one good twist, except... In this sequence of events he never had his head cut off so uh... now we back in present day. He decides not to bitch out, Green Knight in a sexy way is like "now off with your head," movie cuts to credits with no resolve...uh what the fuck? What the fuck? This is not good. You wasted the one twist in your dream when idk, you could've...

How I'd fix it: No dream sequence at all. No Incident At Owl Creek twist. Gawain comes home a hero and survivor of this game and ordeal. He wears this belt of shame. He becomes a well-renowned knight, but he bears a shame. One day he goes to take off his belt and his head falls off because he cheated to get this belt and to survive this encounter. There. Done. Improved your high concept movie that couldn't play any of the lessons straight from the damn poem without making everyone an asshole for no reason! Ugh! But nope you had to end it on we don’t know if Gawain lives or dies...because...it's dream magic made from his momma's witchcraft...?

Last Thoughts So then post-credits scene because Marvel because Pirates Of The Caribbean existed. A white girl who looks nothing like Gawain's daughter we see who didn’t pay off, or any child I can remember through this whole movie picks up King Arthur's crown that dream Gawain inherited and puts it on her head. Who is this girl? Are we gonna have an indie equivalent of of the Marvel Movie Universe/Universal Horror Monsters thing with ancient British legends? We gonna get a Life Of Saint Patrick next that crosses over? I don't know. What is this?

10 Favorite Characters

Thank you @wisteria-lodge​ for tagging me!!

1. Grand Admiral Thrawn (the Thrawn trilogy by Timothy Zahn)

I stan 1 (one) blue alien Sherlock Holmes

[image description: the cover of The Last Command by Timothy Zahn, showing Thrawn as a blue-skinned humanoid with blue-black hair and glowing red eyes, wearing a white Imperial uniform. end id]

So I’m specifically talking about the book character here; I have no idea what’s going on in the Star Wars TV shows. But Thrawn of the Star Wars Legends universe (and the newer canon book, Thrawn) is hands-down one of the best and most interesting characters I’ve ever seen. He’s brilliant, creating battle strategies by studying his opponents’ cultural art to understand their cultural psychology and look for weaknesses in their thinking. And despite being a morally grey character, he’s not unduly arrogant and is actually extremely likeable--he has to work hard to get into the Imperial command structure that heavily discriminates against non-humans, his motivation is the best interest of his people, the Chiss, and he is always willing to explain his thinking to his close allies and friends. And who else would respond to being stabbed by smiling and saying, “But it was so artistically done?”

2. Beren (specifically, from Philosopher-At-Large’s script/screenplay adaptation of Tolkien’s story of Beren and Luthien, A Boy, A Girl, & A Dog: The Lay of Leithian Dramatic Script Project, which can be read in full here: https://rustbucket.net/leithian/index.html)

Do we not all want to yell at the gods about theodicy until they answer our questions to our satisfaction? I specifically pick Beren not from the original Silmarillion, as much as I love Tolkien’s work, but from Philosopher-At-Large’s script retelling, because A Boy, A Girl, & A Dog might just be my favorite work of literature of all time--fanwork, original fiction, or otherwise. I stumbled across it via a fanart of Beren on DeviantArt, like, six or seven years ago that referenced it, and my life has never been the same. It was hard to pick a favorite character, since literally all of the Script’s characters hold a special place in my heart, but I love Beren’s gentle, dry humor and his grim, determined, reckless stubbornness. His relationship with Luthien is of course the driving point of the story, but I thought that his relationships with Finrod and the other members of their company, and his backstory in Dorthonian and his interactions with the Valar were spectacularly done as well. This story is full of the grim determination to at least try and keep loving people, to keep throwing yourself at a problem and refuse to back down until you find a satisfactory solution, and Beren is right there at the heart of that, and I think that makes him pretty hopepunk.

3. Hamlet (Hamlet by William Shakespeare)

What is there to say about Hamlet that hasn’t already been said a thousand times by people significantly more learned and eloquent than me? I love him. He’s a genre-savvy protagonist trapped in a world where nothing! Fucking! Makes! Sense! My poor emo boy. I feel so much for him, being trapped in a situation where he needs to learn the truth in order to move forward and finally act, but there’s no way for him to get at the truth, so instead he just spirals further and further into fey, frustrated, erratic “madness.” Such a disaster bi. Definitely in love with his tired functional gay bf Horatio. Drama queen and Pretentious Asshole TM. In any decent modern au, he loves Hot Topic and gets all his clothes from there. I don’t even really do theater, but I’d love to have a chance to play him onstage.

4. James Dunworthy (the Oxford Time Travel series by Connie Willis)

The Oxford Time Travel series by Connie Willis ranges from hilarious (To Say Nothing of the Dog) to heartbreaking (Doomsday Book) and Mr. Dunworthy is right in the middle of all of it. For those who haven’t read it, the premise of the series is that time travel has been discovered, but we can’t use it to change the past, so instead it’s mainly just used by historians going back in time to study history, and Mr. Dunworthy is the head of the history department at Oxford University in the year 2060. He might be strict, but he has strong dad vibes, and, just, cares so much for all of his historians. He basically adopts Colin when Colin is stranded in Oxford over Christmas during an epidemic, he regularly puts himself in danger to look for lost historians, he helped invent time travel, and he knows that the point of studying the past is caring about the people who lived there. I want him to be my dad.

5. The 9th Doctor (Doctor Who)

Okay, I love 10 and 12 and 13 almost as much as I love 9, but 9 has to be my favorite Doctor. He was my first doctor, and what really got me hooked on the series was his kindness--hard-won and hard-clung to after the trauma of the time war. It isn’t always easy for him--the time war took everything away from him, and you can see how he’s tempted to be angry and bitter and harsh--but even so, he insists on helping people, on atoning for his mistakes, on nonviolence and using kindness and cleverness to fix things instead of violence and hate. He says, guns are bad and bananas are good, and every person is important, and when asked if he’s a coward or a killer, he says, “Coward. Any day.” And that philosophy, that choice, has left a deep impact on me.

[image description: gif of the 9th doctor saying “Who said you’re not important?” from New Who Season 1 episode 8, “Father’s Day.” end id]

6. Eliot Spencer (Leverage)

The whole premise of a group of thieves, criminals and con artists getting together to take down corrupt people in power is great, and Eliot is my favorite. He may have done some seriously bad shit in the past, but now he’s just devoted to taking care of the team, and particularly his hacker and his thief. I don’t know that he believes he’s worthy of their love, but he’s still somehow the most mature and emotionally stable member of the team; he knows how to control his anger and live alongside his regrets, and despite his grumbling, he dives headfirst into protecting the rest of the team and keeping them safe. Bonus points for being in an almost-canon ot3, and for the passion that he brings to his cooking. Also, I headcanon him as gray aro and transmasc, because I can.

[image description: gif of Eliot standing back-to-back with Parker and Hardison. end id]

7. Jon Sims (The Magnus Archives)

I’m only on season 3 of TMA so far, but I love Jon with all my heart. Working at a supernatural research institute, after having had a supernatural encounter of your own, and still choosing not to really believe in the supernatural until it knocks down the door to your office and riddles you with worms? Big mood. He’s a stubborn workaholic disaster ace, and I relate because I too struggle to interact with people and tend to get lost in obscure research projects for hours at a time. Somebody give this boy a hug and then a nap.

8. River Taam (Firefly)

Once again, there are a lot of good characters in Firefly, and I was hard-pressed to pick just one of them to put on this list. But River is a sweet summer child slowly overcoming trauma to find the joy and delight in the world around her that she had before the Academy, and I want all the best things for her. Bonus points go to Simon, who gave up everything he knew to save his sister, and Mal, who stubbornly sticks to his own code of honor even after loosing the war and much of his faith.

9. Lancelot (The Once and Future King by T. H. White)

A splendidly complex and morally grey take on our favorite legendary hero. T. H. White writes a Lancelot who struggles deeply with guilt and pride and imposter syndrome--who struggles desperately to do what is right and to channel the traits he finds in himself--both strengths and flaws--into doing the right thing. His scrupulosity is sadly relatable, and the lines “It is so fatally easy to make young children believe that they are horrible” and “ You could not give up a human heart as you could give up drinking. The drink was yours, and you could give it up: but your lover’s soul was not your own: it was not at your disposal; you had a duty towards it” are both absolutely haunting. It’s only implied in the book, but T. H. White admitted in letters that Lancelot enjoys pain, and is probably bi as well, and a bit in love with Arthur, and that he feels very guilty about it, and I just want a fluffy modern adaptation where Arthur and Guenevere and Lancelot can be in the kinky ployamarous triad that they deserve and just be happy together.

10. Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling)

While I have some problems these days with the Harry Potter series and the transphobia of its author, it’s possible to like something without minimizing its flaws, and this list would not be complete without Luna Lovegood. I spent significant portions of middle school pretending to be her. She taught me how to embrace my own unabashed weirdness, and I wouldn't be the same without her.

@a-nerdy-shade-of-purple @conan-concocting-chaos @one-supportive-august​ @the-lyra-cal-trans​ @the-eleftheria​ @dumpstertrash​

I am in the minority but I’d love to know more about the pre-noldor elvish edain culture, history, and just life. 

I wanna know more about men in the context of men, I wanna see history through human eyes without the elvish perspective. 

I wanna know the full experiences of all humans in middle earth not the ones the elves interacted with. And if you have to have elves, I wanna hear about what humans thought of elves that isnt ‘oh they are so perfect and amazing and beautiful uwu’, because that’s kind of boring and we can all agree first age elves? on the whole? pretty shitty. (I love em but they have one brain cell to share among them and fuck up on the regular). 

I wanna see Humans who were born into a dumpster fire that is the world of arda, these are a people who didn’t get Orome leading them to heaven on earth, they got Morgoth. These are a people who lived in Morgoth’s land for centuries who probably experienced horror and oppression from basically their species infancy. Unlike the elves of valinor, or even the Sindarin protected by Melian, horror and despair would have not been their abnormal, it would be their everyday.  But they aren’t broken, they survive. They make families, connections, lives in this wasteland. They adapt and change, because I think in some ways that is the race of men’s true advantage over elves. That we don’t have a gap on our ‘greatness’ persay, humanity’s ambitions get’s mutated into greed a lot (I mean numenor is a dumspter fire for a reason) but I think that human ambition is a strength because it means we don’t accept our circumstances. The Edian sure didn’t. 

The edain, the Boerians, the people of haleth, and the hadorians, all marched themselves out of morgoth’s land hoping for something better, with NO GUARANTEE they find anything better.  But they still did it. And while we are here, let’s talk about how the race of men has not guarantee of anything, like elves (and dwarves) kind of know where they end up. They go to Mandos and get reborn, they go to aule, respectively. Men...don’t have that. Men really didn’t get anything (but Morgoth and suffering). They leave this world forever, thats what they know. Thats what they are told. 

But no one knows what the means. (Personally, I think its like a good place situation kind of. Eru is just michael and turin is janet) 

But anyway back to the POINT, (if there ever was one) the edain end up finding beleriand but beleriand isn’t the paradise they wanted. But hey, its not morgoth so let’s celebrate said the beorians before promptly getting found by finrod. And look elves did a lot of good for humans, but I also think there is this really bad dynamic of elves holding all the power and men just being in it for the ride. 

Ive made the joke that the elves of the first age are kind of like the edian’s sugar daddies but it’s kind of true. They give them land and like ‘wisdom’ (whatever the fuck that means) and in return men give them their ever increasing numbers. The Silm is a very elven story we don’t really get a lot of human, but when we do I think it’s pretty interesting. Because the relationship between Elves and Men is really uneven in the first age...and all ages even though in later ages forces of men like numenor at their height could I think easily sweep the floor with the elves of the second age combined. I think culturally Elves give a lot more, like men end up picking up their language, though im one hundred percent sure human languages didn’t die out and never do, humans must have shit talked elves a LOT in taliska (oh yes, that is the name of at least the language spoken by the hadorians and beorians, the people of haleth spoke a different dialect) and I think a lot of humans give more in resources (aka men, power, infantry). I mean personally if I was having at a guess I don’t think (as the latecomers) men got very many places to actually farm and have good land and relied on elvish goods to survive. I think this unevenness kind of spurred this idea that ‘elvishness = superior’, so to make this full circle I think a lot of pre edain culture was lost to make place for diet pepsi version of elf culture that we see human cultures like numenor and gondor have, because that’s better than their orn because elves are SPECIal BETTER AND DON’T DIE LIKE US BROKEN AND FALLEN PEOPLE.  ((screams)) 

Okay let’s talk about the death thing. Human and Mortal and Men all mean the same thing, humans die is not a statement that should be up for debate. But the humans of edain, at least from what we see of Andreth is that this was not how it always was. Humans were once immortal like the elves until they were bad and listened to morgoth and then they became mortal and all sick and ew. 

yeahhhh, I don’t think thats true. I think in-universe its a great myth. I love finrod ah andreth for this reason (also andreth is tolkien’s best female character he ever created and the fact that she’s not in the published silm is why we are in the bad timeline) , but I think humans...always were mortal. 

And thats okay. 

We talked about human ambition above, I think that is fueled by the fact that we all die. We have a timer, so we have to do things now, and that’s not a bad mindset to have. I think it gets humjans into trouble but also, imagine your a human in beleriand, you have children, a family, they might have children someday you want to do what you need to do to make sure THEY have a chance. 

(also lets talk about the fucked up fact that humans are punished for lsitening to morgoth in the first place like im sorry that humans didnt have any other valar looking for them, there was no orome, no fucking chance that they could have met anyone else because no valar came for them only morgoth with his lies so yes humans are bad for listening to the only god like entity that seemed like he wanted to help them, the elves did that too but they had nice gods so they are wise while humans who have illness and sickness and death over their heads listen to a guy with power okay jirt i see your double fuckig stnarad and its STUPID) 

And you can’t wait for that chance, so you leap. I think this is best illustrated by Turin of all people. Turin gets called elvish a lot in looks but in actions, he, like most of his family, are allllllllll human. The bridge in nargothrand even though it’s stupid and ends up horribly kind of reminds me of this. Turin doesn’t have time to wait like Gwindor, and Orodreth, etc do. his people have already been fucking disomated, he’s lost his father, his mother is trapped in enemy territory.  He wants to help. 

Sure it blows up in his face, but yknow...the want to do good is there. 

I think on the whole humans get a bad rep...like they’re called stupid and dumb and ugly by both fandom and in universe elves alike. But I don’t think that’s the case. Humans have a lot more balls and have collectively been through more trauma as a species than I think all of the elves (especially valinorian) elves combined. I think when humans fuck up, whether it be turin or numenor, it’s proof of their incompetence, that their inante (eru-given ability) to have ambition to seek beyond the world they live in for something better for something more is evil and they should be more like the elves, stagnant, already at the height of ‘perfection’, never changing....instead of being humans. Like look at these fools trying to act like than can be GOOD at something, sit down and let these elves be best at everything obviously. How many of you would look at me funny if I said, maybe the race of men was BETTER THAN THE ELVES AT SOMETHING? A lot of you im sure, and someone would have a rebuttle for how I was wrong and how this elf was considered the best. 

(like that post going around how could turin actually be #that pretty to thot his way through all of beleriand? Maybe he just Was like that, sure he may have a little elvish ness but honestly I think that be a funny thing elves say to cover up the fact some elves found a icky human was actually just that fucking hot, because obviously humans could never be that actually hot ever, not to intangle a sindarin mast of a guard, a NOLDORIAN VANYAR-DESSCENT PRINCESS, ect) 

Also just to go back to numenor, ever want an example of why it doesnt work for men to act like elves...look at numenor, early numenor was as elvish as humans could produce....but then they got bored. And then numneor became an empire and everyone eventually had so much of a bad time, eru reshaped the fucking world just to wipe the valar’s ‘humans but better’ ocs off the face of the planet. Like just to stray off topic I personally think men can’t go to valinor 1) because the two trees are actually nuclear, and the whole damn island is chernobyl instant death right there and thats why the valinor elves are like #that (they GLOW for gods shake) 2) the monotonous never changing perfection of valinor while amazing in the short term for humans would eventually drive them crazy. Not to say that the race of men doesn’t like some peace and quite or even humans (like myself) can be obverse to change, even I can admit doing the same thing ever day would drive me crazy. 

This got super rambly, but its been a lot of thoughts Ive been having for a long ass time. Basically, I just want people to talk to me about the atani, edian, race of men, whatever you want to call them. They deserve a lot better and a lot more respect than just playing a supporting role to the elves. 

They didn’t kill all those dragons to be ignored like this. 

All right my dudes, let’s talk about this Amazon LOTR series. (Aka, the two cents that no one asked for ever. Seriously, all opinions are valid, I’m not here to fight, this is just what I think. Anyways.) Please read til the end.

I for one was initially very very upset. Because I don’t trust Amazon, okay? Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy was a once in a lifetime miracle. Him and Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens poured their heart and souls into making the best possible adaptation of Tolkien’s masterpiece that they could. Everyone on that production, from Weta to the stunt people to the cast to Howard Shore were committed to bringing Tolkien’s vision to life. Was it perfect? No. Was it as close to perfect as we’re gonna get? Yes! There’s a reason it got all the Oscars. People who think that Peter Jackson’s LOTR wasn’t faithful enough are so deluded that it boggles my mind. It’s like people think he could just snap his fingers and turn the book page by page into exactly what you envisioned in your head when you read it. Modern day filmmaking has so many constrictions it’s not even funny. Producers, lawyers, marketers, auditors, people giving the project money who in return are in it for the money. And these are the people that Jackson had to work with in order to get the film made on the scale it was, rather than a home movie shot on a camcorder in his backyard. With this in mind, it’s a miracle that the films were as amazing as they were. You should actually all go watch the behind the scenes appendices footage on the extended edition DVDs. If you can’t get your hands on the DVDs, a lot of it is actually up on YouTube. The part where they talk about the process of converting book to script is very fascinating and explains a lot. Tolkien did not write these books with a movie in mind. The pacing is a screenwriter’s nightmare, he spends a lot of time on details we don’t necessarily need, and the time frame is positively loopy. You say Frodo was thirty three when he received the ring and fifty when he left the Shire, I say did we need to see Frodo moping around in the Shire for seventeen years? You say that the Fellowship’s travels were rushed, I ask if anyone ever wished they could spend a month in Lothlorien while absolutely nothing happens except resting and crying about Gandalf? I love the books, I truly do. But even I admit that a shot-for-shot adaptation would be awkward and at times difficult to watch.

Now, as for the show in question, do I think that Amazon read the Silmarillion and said ‘wow, let’s spend billions of dollars to make a faithful and heartfelt adaptation!’? Um, no. Somebody in a highrise read that Game of Thrones was ending and realized that now there’s gonna be an open market for that genre of show. Now, who else can think of a series that checks the boxes of fantasy, long and complicated af, pre-existing fan base, and minimal barriers when it comes to obtaining rights? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Tolkien is the million dollar answer (or billion, in Amazon’s case). What gives me hope is (now this might be hearsay, don’t take my word for it because I cannot confirm) that apparently they only have the rights to events that take place before The Hobbit and LOTR. Which is essentially just the Silmarillion and/or the appendices. Now, this could be interesting. The Silmarillion doesn’t have a screen adaptation, so whatever they did would be groundbreaking. There would be nothing to compare it to. But what I’m afraid of is that Amazon would be afraid of it. The Silmarillion is a lot to chew. It’s wordy, the characters would be hard to adapt on screen, and it would be really hard to market it because the concept of the Silmarillion has (unfortunately, but truthfully) long been associated with ultimate geekdom.

This is why Amazon is probably going to pick the lower-hanging fruit and reinvent popular characters we already love. I’ve been hearing a lot about how they’re doing it as a young Aragorn prequel. Which, for surface level selfish reasons depresses the heck out of me because Viggo Mortensen is and always will be my Aragorn. If this was happening years ago and they got Viggo to be the character again in a TV show, I’d be all for it. But unfortunately Viggo cannot age in reverse and if they were gonna use him they’d have to use a shit-ton of CGI a la Carrie Fisher in Rogue One which… *shudders* *war flashbacks*. But then again, Viggo has aged remarkably well. Did you see Captain Fantastic? Maybe with some heavy makeup and nice camera angles- Ah, it’s all just a pipe dream anyways. As long as they don’t bring back Stuart Townsend. Cue more shuddering. But I wish Amazon would understand that they’re investing their money in the wrong horse! We don’t want to see Aragorn reinvented! We’re happy with what we have!

Think about it realistically for a minute, in the hypothetical event that this is a young Aragorn TV show. Amazon is a studio giant, trying to establish themselves among other streaming services known for their original TV shows such as Netflix, Hulu, HBO, etc. We, as Tolkien fans, understand that Aragorn’s history prior to the events of LOTR is pretty straightforward. He grows up in Rivendell, is informed that he’s Isildur’s heir, goes into the wild to become a Ranger, fights for Rohan, fights for Gondor, falls in love with Arwen, etc. There’s a sixty year block of time between his childhood in Rivendell and the War of the Ring. That can’t possibly all be covered in one show, as hard as they try. They won’t be able to resolve his storyline, because his storyline and character arc get resolved during the War of the Ring. They would have to establish the fact that he’s the heir to the throne of Gondor, establish the fact that he’s conflicted about his destiny, establish the fact that he goes into self-inflicted exile as a Ranger, and then end the show without ever showing the resolution that he eventually does reclaim his throne and his destiny. Unless they were to just bite the bullet and remake the original trilogy. And then there’s the matter of a love interest. Arwen is his first and only love. Their courtship is fast-paced and they go long blocks of time without seeing each other. Noooot very marketable for a mainstream audience. So how are they gonna spice it up? Give Aragorn another love interest? That would literally completely ruin his character. How about no. Make it seem like a lot more happened between Arwen and Aragorn before the War of the Ring? I mean maybe, but how!? They still wouldn’t be able to complete a story arc, because the meat of the changes in their relationship take place during the original trilogy: Him lowkey wanting her to go to Valar and not die for him, her refusing because she believes in their love, their ultimately getting married and her being crowned Queen of Gondor. Again, you can’t give us any of that without remaking the original trilogy! Cue all the annoyed Aragorn faces.

So, that was a lot of negativity. Maybe this is too little too late, but: I remain hopeful. All is not lost. There is still some good in this world, Mr. Frodo! And maybe Amazon will prove me wrong. There may yet be light at the end of this tunnel. We may yet prevail, and get a thoughtful, heartfelt adaptation. Because done right, we could all use with some fresh LOTR content so we can stop rewatching the original trilogy. Tolkien wrote a lot, and the current screen adaptations have barely scratched the surface. As a fandom (and I most definitely include myself in this), we get very protective over our material. I think this is because we are one of the rare few whose material has remained untarnished and stayed behind the line of corporate greed and terrible adaptations (The Hobbit trilogy walked that line like a tight rope but even it managed to escape the true jaws of the beast.) Maybe, just maybe, this Amazon series can be a chance for us all to take a risk. Because if it pays off, you can all call me a fool of a Took and we can grab popcorn and watch a kickass LOTR TV show. And what would be more awesome than that?

So, in conclusion, I have a lot of feelings about this Amazon show. If you made it this far, thanks for bearing with me. We’ve got a wild ride ahead.

What do you think it is about ASoIaF that inspires people to the extent that we see in the fandom? I mean, there are tons of incredible people like you analyzing writing for it; you have websites and podcasts and essays written and complex theories and whole books published devoted wholly to the series. I have never seen this level of devotion before. It's incredible, but there are so many amazing books out there; why these books?

Hi! Well, to be fair, I think there are a number of other SF/F franchises that are as popular, if not more popular, than ASOIAF, and that inspire this same kind of devotion. But why ASOIAF? idk why anyone else feels the way they feel, but I can tell you why I love ASOIAF. GRRM wrote in one of the autobiographical sections of Dreamsongs:

By the time we got to Weathertop, Tolkien had me. ‘Gil-Galad was an elven king,’ Sam Gamgee recited, ‘of him the harpers sadly sing.’ A chill went through me, such as Conan and Kull had never evoked.

I knew exactly what GRRM was talking about, because I’ve felt it too:

“No,” Ned said with sadness in his voice. “Now it ends.”

There’s poetry in GRRM’s writing, there’s rhythm and flow and a sorrow that makes me ache:

He dreamt an old dream, of three knights in white cloaks, and a tower long fallen, and Lyanna in her bed of blood.

That’s the thing about ASOIAF – GRRM makes you feel it. (How many anecdotes have you read of people throwing their books across the room in rage and horror and despair after the Red Wedding? I’ve read quite a few.) GRRM is able to inspire such strong emotion in me. 

I was saying earlier today how I don’t really have any other fandom besides ASOIAF; I just don’t care. Like, all y’all talk about how easily y’all fall into ~feelings~ and characters and ships, but that’s not me. I watch or read the thing, I’m entertained for a while, it’s fine, and then it’s over; that’s it. (Honestly, some of y’all have wanted me to get into your other fandoms and it’s not that I don’t want to have fun squeeing with y’all, but I don’t know how. idk how y’all care about so many books and tv shows and movies, idk how to care like that.)

So the remarkable thing about GRRM, at least for me, is that he makes me care. ASOIAF matters, because GRRM literally spends years on characterization and worldbuilding and themes, all while telling a damn good story. 

If you watch GOT, you can see the skeleton of GRRM’s story, all the plot points GRRM is trying to hit, but the meat of that story, which comes from characterization and themes, has been boiled away. The result is that there’s nothing left to sink my teeth into, nothing to savor. (I think GRRM would approve of my food metaphors.) GOT has no emotional resonance for me, whereas ASOIAF is all about the emotional journey we’re undertaking. I’ve referenced Stephen King before, and I’ll do it again - it’s not about the endgame, it’s how we get there. The journey, not the destination. That’s something ASOIAF stresses - it’s the journey that matters, because we’re all headed for the same destination, after all; valar morghulis. GOT hits plot points like an arrow to a target. GOT is about the destination; ASOIAF is about the journey. 

ASOIAF emphasizes themes that I love:

identity

choice

justice and vengeance, and the complex nature of each

heroes and villains and what does that even mean

moral ambiguity

human heart in conflict with itself

body as battleground

the horrors of war

the importance of family, and how family means different things to different people

love and hate

truth and falsehood

what does it mean to be a true knight

exiles, outsiders, underdogs

faded glory

life and death and decay and rebirth

Romanticism in the classical sense of the word

the long autumn

the weight of history, the people who came before and those who will follow after 

duty and honor, and how they can be in conflict

disillusionment

sacrifice

light and darkness

what is a monster

empathy versus dehumanization

freedom versus constraint (think of the anti-slavery narrative and how that is relevant throughout the story, in every pov)

HOPE (”MEN STILL SANG, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF BUTCHER AND FAMINE”!!!! SLAYS ME!!!)

a love and celebration of humanity

an exploration of the human condition and what it means to be human (“see what life is worth, when all the rest is gone"), of isolation and loneliness and *sigh, where are you twow and ados* reunions and fellowship

feminism

beauty, appearances, outer beauty vs inner beauty (GRRM’s love of BATB comes in here)

These are themes that transcend the fantasy genre, something “old and true” that speaks to us, that are timeless. 

And I love the motifs GRRM uses to convey these themes - towers, and swords, and bodies and body parts (the Hand of the King, hands, tongues, fingers, noses, genitals), and white knights and black brothers and shadows (living shadows!!!) and birds and the long seasons and gah, I love it all, I love how GRRM uses all of this kind of imagery to explore ASOIAF’s themes and ask deep questions and inspire such passionate thinking (just throw the words “jaime” and “hand” and “redemption” at the fandom if you don’t believe me about passionate arguments)

And I love the thesis of ASOIAF, to hold fast to your principles and to do the right thing, even when doing the right thing is hard and when you won’t be rewarded for it - to stand against dehumanization in all its forms. 

And the characters, the characters, the characters!! I honestly think GRRM spends years on these books because he puts his own blood, sweat, and tears into them to bring them to life, as if they were truly his own children. He works so hard on characterization. 

And sure, the major characters are great, but I’m thinking of the minor characters especially, the ones that, if ASOIAF were a 1990s tv series that ran for 10 seasons, these would be the characters that would appear for one episode. 

Take the Widow of the Waterfront in Volantis. She cut that slave tattoo out of her, she cut off her tears. “Tell her we are waiting. Tell her to come soon.” It’s haunting. Why read fantasy, if not to meet people like the Widow, and Chataya, and Arianne, and everyone else? But GRRM makes meeting these people worthwhile, he makes them memorable, he makes them distinctive, and they all give ASOIAF such a rich flavor. 

And ok, I admit I’m definitely part of the classic Tolkien school of fantasy lit where you Must Have Maps. If I crack a new fantasy book and it has a detailed map, that is already +1 in my book, because it tells me two things: first, we’re going on An Adventure, and two, the author at least tried to worldbuild. 

Good worldbuilding is super important to me, and GRRM is a great worldbuilder.  There’s a sense of something waiting over the next hill, and the next, and the next. It’s someplace different, someplace full of wonder, someplace grander than the place I call home. The clothes are different, the customs are different, the flora and fauna are different, and I want to see it, hear it, smell it, touch it, taste it. And GRRM doesn’t let me down, tbh. Reading ASOIAF is a sensory feast. (And man ok, slightly off topic, but if y’all ever read The Armageddon Rag, GRRM can make you hear that shit, I mean, really hear it, GRRM is amazing.) In ASOIAF, you can feel the silk of the gown Viserys gives Dany, and you can smell the western market and flea bottom, and you can hear the men selling fresh rats on the streets of King’s Landing, and oh god, the drums, BOOM DOOM BOOM DOOM, of the Red Wedding, and the tinkling of Jinglebell’s sad little bells, and Patchface’s creepy song, and the taste of the weirwood paste, bitter and sweet and like the last kiss his mother ever gave him, oh god. (And do you know how many lemon-flavored deserts I’ve had, chasing after Sansa’s famous lemon cakes, let’s not talk about it.) 

Reading ASOIAF is like going through the wardrobe - what’s not to love? I want to go somewhere else, and GRRM delivers. Why read fantasy, if not to gaze up at new stars, and trace out new constellations, and marvel at the way humans everywhere try to push back the darkness by telling themselves stories, be it the story of Orion or of the Ice Dragon up there in the heavens. 

GRRM does such a good job on the worldbuilding that we can seriously have super lengthy academic discussions on politics and economics and warfare and geology and all that other stuff that people do in real life. 

But it’s not just the depth of the worldbuilding, cuz that wouldn’t be enough by itself. GRRM doesn’t just go through the motions, he’s not just hitting targets - he makes you earn it. For example, Stannis really wants to be King, and it’s not enough to just try to storm king’s landing. Why do you want to be King, Stannis? the books ask, and we find out it’s because he has a duty to the people, so he goes to the wall. What did it mean that Tyrion was Hand in ACOK, what did he accomplish, what did he learn, and will he be Hand again in a future book? What do those vows of knighthood mean, and is Brienne the only one true to them? What of Sam, failing to release the ravens at the right moment? When the time comes, will Sam fail again, or will he release the ravens at the critical moment next time, and how much more meaningful is it, when we saw fail the first time? 

In short, I’m devoted to it because GRRM’s devoted to it. He’s a master of his craft, and it shows. I’m only responding to it. 

(Honestly, he never should have allowed an adaptation until this was all over, and then he could have adapted the episodes himself. The best GOT episodes were the ones written by GRRM.) 

Batfam Movie Preference Headcanons

Bruce is notorious for having pretty lame taste. He has just about every movie ever made by Tom Selleck, John Grisham, Clint Eastwood, and Alfred Hitchcock. leave him alone, he’s getting old. (they’d never admit it, but the kids don’t find Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Her Alibi, and The Rainmaker as egregious as some.)

Dick is kind of an 80’s nostalgia nerd. Steven Spielberg and John Hughes are near the top of the list, because what can he say? he’s a basic bitch. (Jurassic World came out and you bet your ass he was at the premiere)

Babs is EXACTLY the kind of person to watch mysteries just for the pure satisfaction of solving them before the characters do. however, she’ll watch cheesy romcoms when the girls are over and enjoy them just as much. of course, that might just be because Helena and Dinah always bring plenty of wine. (she and Dick compromise on their somewhat conflicting tastes by watching Around the World in 80 Days on their anniversary)

Jason does not give a shit. The Count of Monte Cristo? he owns it. Fame? he owns it. Kingsman: The Secret Service? he owns it. in fact, he owns two different versions of Phantom of the Opera, which probably has something to do with the fact that he hates Gerard Butler as Erik. (when he finds out who stole his copy of RED: Retired and Extremely Dangerous, there will be hell to pay)

Carrie appreciates indie comedies. she leans toward the cute, lesbian ones, but it’s not a hard lean. she owns Steam Powered Giraffe and the Search For the Magical Harp of Golden Dreams on DVD, even though it’s available for free on YouTube. (she was a little disappointed by Yoga Hosers, but she still gave it 5 stars on Netflix)

Tim is a fucking nerd. a nerd with very strong opinions on Star Trek, Star Wars, and pretty much anything else with “Star” in the title. if he wasn’t so busy with everything else, he could write an entire essay on book to movie adaptations and why they Need To Not. (he missed Bruce’s New Year’s Eve party once because he was trying to watch all of the Tolkien movie adaptations despite this. the last Hobbit movie had finally come out, what was he supposed to do?)

Stephanie is all in for horror movies. bad ones are great. good ones are great. just as long as the female characters kick ass, or she has something to laugh at, she’s happy. (“no, I don’t want to watch Bloody Pit Of Horror, Stephanie,” is a phrase everyone has used at least once.)

Cassandra is very visual. she prefers ballet to films, but she has an appreciation for silent movies. but, since good ones are typically in short supply, she’s usually okay with anything without too much sound and dialogue. (the day she found A Trip to the Moon on Netflix was a very, very good day.)

Duke is an action movie buff. he likes the older ones, like The Karate Kid, but he’ll watch anything once. especially if it involves Jackie Chan. (his favorite movie, however, is The Goonies.)

Damian admits nothing about movie preferences. he’s above things like that. or so he claims. everyone always leaves a spot on the couch for him, knowing full well he’ll show up sooner or later. (he absolutely did NOT cry when the lion in Secondhand Lions died, thank you very much, Todd!)

the one movie everyone can always agree on is The Princess Bride. Bruce eventually had to buy several copies of it, because the one he had initially kept getting swiped from the Manor. one time, it actually turned up at Clark’s. wtf, Clark?

MOVIES (THAT MIGHT BE) WORTH CHECKING OUT IN MAY 2019:

MAY 3

LONG SHOT

One classy party reunites reporter Fred Flarsky (Seth Rogen) with his former babysitter and current Secretary of State Charlotte Field (Charlize Theron). Now she plans to run for President and hires Fred as her speechwriter. As they work together through her campaign, they begin to fall for each other.

It’s rarely certain whether a comedy will be good, especially adult comedies like this one. Raunchy comedies face a tightrope walk of delivering consistently funny humor while telling an engaging story. Plus, there’s no one way to be funny and there are many ways to be not funny. Romantic Comedies are a challenge because they live and die on the chemistry between the leads. Seth Rogen has already demonstrated strong romantic chemistry with Knocked Up and Charlize Theron is an excellent actress, but we must wait and see if they have any chemistry together.

Director Jonathan Levine certainly has proved himself with memorable comedies like 50/50 and Warm Bodies. But he’s also made lackluster comedies like The Night Before and Snatched. The only surefire way to know is to watch it.

MAY 10:

ALL IS TRUE

In case it isn’t clear, Kenneth Branagh loves the shit out of Shakespeare. Since garnering worldwide attention and acclaim with his star making directorial debut with Henry V, he’s adapted one William Shakespeare play after another every four years. It was only a matter of time before he played the Bard himself. Cue All is True, a film about the last moments of his life.

Shakespeare (Branagh) has finally come home to his wife Anne Hathaway (Judi Dench) and he comes home a legend. But his years apart has created distance between himself and his family. We’re given no information the above information.

Kenneth Branagh films are a hit and miss, even the Shakespeare ones. On one hand, you get compelling adaptations of Henry V and Hamlet. On the other hand, you get disasters like Love’s Labours Lost. In this film, he seems to portray Shakespeare as abrasive yet witty. But there’s more hope coming from writer Ben Elton, whose credit include classic British Comedies like Blackadder, The Young Ones and Mr. Bean. Still, comedy if a fickle genre and there’s no guarantee it will be good.

POKEMON: DETECTIVE PIKACHU

This movie has a lot going against it. First, it’s based on a video game, which is the notorious kiss of death for a movie. And considering the cartoony designs of the Pokémon, you can probably count this as a live action version of a cartoon (which is usually associated with lazy filmmaking). Plus, it’s based on a spin off of a popular game. And yet, the trailers had made Detective Pikachu not only has moviegoers intrigued but has made it one of the most anticipated films of the year. Of course, it could also be due to the Pokémon franchise being one of the most beloved franchises getting its second wind thanks to the Pokémon Go, but the trailers still deserve credit for making the movie look attractive.

Surprisingly, the film doesn’t focus on Ash Ketchum, Red, or any Pokémon trainer. Instead, our protagonist is Tim Goodman (Justice Smith), an ex-Pokémon trainer in a rut when he returns home after the death of his father. Then his life’s turned upside down when he finds a coffee-addicted Pikachu wearing a detective’s hat in his father’s office. This Pikachu woke up with no memories, a Sherlock Holmes hat and the voice of Ryan Reynolds. Detective Pikachu believes Tim’s father is still alive and is being held hostage. So, Tim and Detective Pikachu begin an investigation to find Tim’s father and discover his connection to the Pokémon.

When the trailers were released, audiences’ minds were blown by the incredible special effects. Pikachu and another Pokémon fit so naturally within the real world thanks to the detailed CGI. Albeit, there are a few that look a bit creepy (Mr. Mime and Jugglypuff), but Pikachu and Charizard look amazing. Plus, the story shows a lot of potential, with the dynamic of the disillusioned Tim and the enthusiastic Pikachu demonstrating strong chemistry.

With Rob Letterman directing, there’s uncertainty about the quality. Earlier, he’s made mediocre, forgettable movies like Gulliver’s Travels and the godawful Shark Tale. But then he made Goosebumps, a much better movie than it had any right to be. The later could be a sign of improvement, so I’m going into this with high hopes.

POMS

This seems like the perfect film for Mother’s Day.

Welcome to Sun Sprays, a retirement home with hundreds of clubs. Despite the sunny environment, Martha (Diane Keaton)’s come here just to die. Then she gets reeled into starting a senior citizen Cheerleading Squad by horny neighbor Sheryl (Jackie Weaver). With a small team (including Pam Grier and Rhea Perlman) and training from a young cheerleading choreographer (Alisha Boe), Martha enters a Cheerleading competition.

This film is one of those films you take your mother too, so it’s perfect for this month. It seems like a harmless good time staring beloved actresses who’ve been in the business for a long time. Though I will admit, you’re probably not going to remember it by the end of the year.

TOLKIEN

I think JRR Tolkien needs no introduction. By now, his tales of Middle-Earth are ingrained into modern Pop Culture, especially after the Peter Jackson movies. You don’t even need to have read the Hobbit or seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy to know what Hobbits are. And now we learn about the man who brought this world to life in the biopic Tolkien.

Nicholas Hoult (Mad Max: Fury Road, Warm Bodies) plays the author during his time as an Oxford student and a WW1 soldier. Judging by the trailer, the film seems to be going the route of the Theory of Everything and centre the film around his relationship with Edith Mary Bratt (Lily Collins). The film also looks to showcase his friendship with fellow artists Rob Gilson (Patrick Gibson), Geoffrey Blache Smith (Anthony Boyle) and Christopher Wiseman (Tom Glynn-Carney), who would from their own secret society called the Tea Club and Burrovian Society (TCBS). And of course, it will show us Tolkien’s experience during World War 1.

There is a strong chance this film will just be a typical, forgettable biopic with the usual clichés of the naïve youth dreaming of changing the world and the girlfriend serving as a source of support. What I’m hoping to get out of it is seeing where Tolkien drew inspiration for the immortal Middle Earth books. It helps that the film sticks to his youth while other lesser films rush too quickly into his whole life like Bohemian Rhapsody did.

MAY 17:

JOHN WICK 3: PARABELLUM

The second John Wick left us on one hell of a cliffhanger when Master ex-assassin/dog lover John Wick (Keanu Reeves) broke the code by killing client Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio) in the Assassin’s hotel when he betrayed Wick. The closing sequence of Wick racing against time to get out of town while assassins wait for the time to run out made you very excited for the third movie. And judging by the trailer, John Wick 3: Parabellum won’t disappoint.

The film picks up right wear the second film leaves off with Wick rushing to find a way out of New York. The High Table has placed a fourteen million bounty on his head and every assassin is looking to collect (and take down the legendary “boogeyman”). With nowhere to run and outnumbered, Wick uses every means at his disposal to take down every assassin within proximity. Considering the fact Wick once took down a whole group of assassins with a pen, it’s the assassins who should be worried.

Despite a simple plot about an ex-assassin going after a gangster’s son for killing his dog, John Wick blew everyone way with masterful direction from former stuntman Chad Stahelski and David Leitch that elevated the action genre in many ways. First, is the fully realized world of the assassins, where they live by strict codes of honor, are paid by gold coins and have their own cleaning crew and hotel. Plus, there’s the amazing cinematography from Jonathan Sela (the first one) and Dan Laustsen (the sequels), who showcase the elegance of Wick’s world and enhances action scenes with beautiful neon lighting. And then there’s the fight scenes; those glorious fight scenes. While most modern action scenes shoot too close and cut way too quickly, the actions scenes in these films are shot and edited with a smooth rhythm to showcase the actor’s stunt work. No actor shines more than Keanu Reeves, who went through months of weapons training and martial arts training doing what he does best; kicking ass. Sure, he’s a wooden actor, but he comes to life during action scenes, where he showcases his energy and grace.

We have quite an all-star cast. We see the return of old favorites including Continental Hotel owner Winston (Ian McShane), his concierge Charon (Lance Reddick) and The Bowery King (Laurence Fishburne). They are also joined by Anjelica Huston as a mysterious leader known as the director, Jerome Flynn as fellow assassin Berrada and Halle Berry as Wick’s estranged partner Sofia.

THE SOUVENIR

Could this be an overlooked gem of the month?

The film centres on the rocky relationship between young film student Julie (Honor Swinton Byrne), an unpredictable intellectual named Anthony and Julie’s mother (Tilda Swinton). On the surface, the premise doesn’t seem like much. But what may make this film stand out is the deliver; portraying the complicated ups and downs of relationship. It could either be compelling or pretensions.

THE SUN IS ALSO A STAR

Natasha Kingsley (Yara Shahidi) is a highly academic student is a firm believer of logic. Daniel Bae (Charles Melton) is a “good student” who is a closeted romantic poet. One day in New York, their lives cross paths when Daniel saves Natasha from being hit by a car. Soon, they find themselves debating over their beliefs. Natasha doesn’t believe in love and thinks Daniel should give up his unlikely dream of being a poet. Daniel makes a bet he can make her fall in love. But they both have problems right now. Nathasha’s trying to keep her family from being deported and Daniel’s must choose between pleasing his parents and going his own path.

The film’s based on a novel by Nicola Koon. That book took me by surprise with a compelling story with a strong dynamic between two different people, with excerpts discussing unusual probabilities between chapters. The excerpts add to our protagonist’s debates about fate vs. logic, but I wonder how writer Tracy Oliver (Girls Night) will apply these elements into the movie. Novels can intercut a story with random segments, but movies rely on a more consistent flow.

As with many romances, this depend on the chemistry between the actors. Shahidi’s garnered attention for playing wannabe fashionista Zoey Johnson in Black-ish and the underrated Grown-ish. Melton’s spotlight is also growing thanks to his role as Reggie Mantle in Riverdale. But can they carry a movie?

MAY 22:

THE TOMORROW MAN

Since the death of her daughter, Ronnie Meisner (Blythe Danner) spends her life at an emotional distance, often buying items she never uses. The one day, Ed Hemster (John Lithgow), who makes her let her guard down. But Ed has problems of his own. Worrying about the future, he’s built a fallout shelter where he stacks nonperishables. Through each other, Ronnie and Ed have a chance to move to the present.

The main reason I included this on the list are the two main leads. Danner is one of those underappreciated actresses who appear in a lot of movies and tv shows but you never remember her name. She finally gained some acclaim in her rare lead role in the underrated gem I’ll See You in My Dreams. But even then, she was back in supporting roles in overlooked films. Of course, it’s because Hollywood rarely writes roles for middle aged or elderly women unless she’s Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren.

And then there’s John Lithgow. He’s one of few actors who elevates a scene just by being there. Whether it’s the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or Third Rock from the Sun, he always delivers a top-notch performance no matter the genre or quality. Personally, I found him to be the only good thing in the awful sitcom Trial & Error. The main reason I’d watch this film is because of him.

MAY 24:

ALADDIN

Another live action Disney remake.

I don’t think I need to explain the synopsis. By now, everyone knows the story of Aladdin like the back of their hand. So, let’s focus on whether we should bother with this remake.

On the surface, the film has a lot going for it. Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott seem perfectly cast as Aladdin and Jasmine, resembling them while adding their own touches. The setting of Agrabah looks colourful while obtaining just enough believability. And you’ve got Will Smith playing the Genie. Sure, he’s no Robin Williams, but then again no one can be Robin Williams. I’m hoping he choses to make the character his own instead of trying to copy William’s performance.

But then people started complaining that the Genie wasn’t blue in the promotion photos. The Studio assured the audience that the Genie will be blue. Well, be careful what you wish for, because you could end up with Will Smith’s face poorly added to a CGI abomination. Cue the second teaser and the angry aftermath. It should be noted that studios will often release film trailers with unfinished special effects. They were able to remedy this with a later trailer, with much better CGI and showcasing more elements of the film.

The area where I do have concern is with Director Guy Ritchie. He has taken the cinema world by surprise with his indie film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and his follow up Snatch. But since then, none of his later films truly stood out. The main problem is a classic case of style over substance. He fills his movies with flashy imagery and dazzling camerawork, but the plots are not as engaging. The question is whether he can get out of his own way for this film.

BRIGHTBURN

It’s surprising nobody’s put a horror version of Superman before this. I’m guessing its fear of copyright issues. But here we are.

On the surface, it follows the Superman story to a tee. A superpowered baby falls from the sky and is taken in by a humble couple. He struggles to grow up in a small town while he discovers his power. In this case, the kid is Brandon Breyer (Jackson Dunn), his adoptive parents are Tori (Elizabeth Banks) and Kyle Breyer (David Denman) and the town is Brightburn.

Unfortunately, this kid has no intention for using his powers for Truth and Justice. Instead, he uses his powers to get revenge on anyone who wronged him. If a kid bullies him, he’ll crush her hand like a twig. [1]Any adult who grows suspicious of him, he can fly right into them or burn them with his laser vision. He knows he can get away with anything, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, not even his loving step mother. So, he dons a mask and terrorizes everyone in town.

The film’s vague on Brandon’s motivation. Judging by a clip from a teaser with the Brandon trying to get to the ship, there’s a chance he was sent to earth to cause destruction. Or maybe he’s just a sociopath with too much power. What is certain is the creativity of the premise. You’ve got a kid whose indestructible, has amazing abilities. But he lacks restraint. He could take over an entire city. How do you stop him?

What may elevate this film is Elizabeth Banks’ performance. As she tries to stick up for Brandon, you can see she’s torn between her love of Brandon and her fear of his actions. It could provide an emotional core for the film that will offer more impact for the audience.

MAY 31:

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

With the success of the 2014 American adaptation, the one and only Godzilla returns, and he’s brought some friends.

The secret organization Monarch led by Dr. Ishiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) have their hands full a roster of Kaijus (giant-sized monsters) appearing across earth. The fan favorites are all here, including Mothra and Rodan. Their only hope is Godzilla. But he faces his biggest challenge with King Ghidorah, the three-headed behemoth three times his size.

Meanwhile, Monarch member Dr. Emma Russel (Vera Farmiga) is searching for her daughter Madison (Millie Bobby Brown), who is lost in the carnage.

The film has an all-star cast, including Sally Hawkins (returning as Serizawa’s assistant Dr. Vivienne Graham), Game of Thrones’ Charles Dance, O’Shea Hawkins Jr. (Straight Outta Compton) and Thomas Middleditch. But let’s admit we don’t watch these movies for the human characters. We’re here to watch giant monsters destroy cities and duke it out.

But Kaiju films need to centre on human characters to ground the film and portray the consequences of the destruction. There’s just one problem; the human characters are almost never interesting. One of the few exceptions was Bryan Cranston’s character in the recent film, but he’s gone way to early in the film. Hopefully writer/director Michael Dougherty will flesh out the characters in this film so we’re not waiting impatiently for the monsters.

While we’re here, I should discuss the obvious plans for a Kaiju cinematic universe. With the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, every studio has been trying to create their own cinematic universe, from Warner Brother’s DCEU to Universal’s “Dark Universe”. In this case, the cinematic universe would be the MonsterVerse; Hollywood’s adaptation of Japans iconic Kaiju films as well as the return of King Kong. But most of them failed because the films fail to stand on their own. Unlike the other attempts, Legendary Entertainment waited for audience reaction with the 2014 Godzilla before starting this cinematic universe. Despite criticism over the lack of Godzilla onscreen (less than a half hour), the film was still a hit. Next was King Kong: Skull Island, an on the nose allegory of Vietnam that never took itself seriously. The film also became a minor hit despite criticism. And after this upcoming film, King Kong and Godzilla will faces on in a later film. I am excited.

MA

Oscar Winner Octavia Spencer reunites with The Help director Tate Taylor for this creepy flick from the horror hitmaker Blumhouse.

Spencer plays the title character, a lonely woman named Sue Ann. One day, she’s approached by a group of underage teens to buy booze for them. She not only obliges them, but she allows them to use her basement for parties. She seems like the coolest adult to them.

Then Ma grows clingier, calling them and following them around. Things get creepy when she comes to their house, where we find out she went to high school with their parents. You can be they somehow wronged her in her youth and this is a form of revenge for her. It certainly seems with the creepy image of Ma sewing one girl’s mouth shut and tying a teen boy to her bed.

Blumhouse are on a roll, distributing one horror hit after another including the Visit, The Purge and Happy Death Day. They’ve even brought us some ground-breaking films like Get Out and Paranormal Activity. And Ma looks like it could be a worthy addition to their library with Spencer channeling Annie Wilkes from Misery.

ROCKETMAN

We conclude with the biopic of pop icon Elton John (Taron Egerton). We follow him from his early years as nerdy English boy Reginald Dwight to his rise as a mega superstar. It has all the major moments, including his big break at the Troubadour, his many over the top costumes and his struggles with his homosexuality.

I’ll be honest, I’m growing tired of recent biopics. They all go through the same song and dance. First, we see their troubled childhood, usually dealing either one terrible parent or one strong parent pushing the kid to rise above their surroundings. Then we see them form a band, they perform one song, then cut to them filling stadiums. And of course, you can’t seem to have a biopic without a naysayer producer, brief cuts of them writing songs[2]  and the third act of the star descending into drugs and alienating those he loves. They play it too safe. The only one that felt refreshing was The Motley Crue Biopic the Dirt[3].

To be fair, Rocketman seems to add a few elements to separate it from lesser biopics. First, it’s written by Lee Hall, whose pend upbeat yet grounded British class films like Billy Elliot, War Horse and the underrated play the Pittman Painters. Plus, the film looks like it’s going to be a musical, with people bursting into song. But what makes this film stand out is its style. The film takes a more stylized approach to it’s visuals, including having the crowd float in tune to the title song. I suspect the visuals will serve as a tour into John’s subconscious.

[1] It reminds me of a scene from Superman where Jonathan Kent tells Clark he can do such a thing “but what that would make him.” I guess Brandon answers that question.

[2] Often portraying it as a quick burst of inspiration instead of a long process of fine tuning the creative process is.

[3] That’s thanks to the film’s energetic editing, Hard R-partying and fearlessness in showcasing the Band Member’s ugliest moments.