and my grandpa had a stroke so that's not great either

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter V: Same Old, Different New

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Underage alcohol consumption (in the flashback), everyone is basically in this chapter pls bear with me lol

Word Count: 11.5k

A/N: I'm so sorry for not posting last night HHHH I got sucked into doing something last minute but please enjoy!

Chapter V: Same Old, Different New || Series Masterlist

“Hyungie, open up.” You say as you held a spoonful of fish stew in front of your ill bedridden best friend.

Being at the ripe age of nine, Taehyung thought it was a good idea to play on one of the days of Geochang’s rainy season. Being his best friend, you were easily influenced despite the protests of both his parents and your grandparents. You both thought they were just there to ruin your fun, but in reality, it was to protect you because days after you got sick but not Taehyung for some miracle.

However, Taehyung made it his goal to take care of you such as feeding you, tucking you in bed, putting a cold cloth on your heated forehead, and giving you disgusting ginger lemon tea to help your sore throat.

Eventually, you got better within the week, but it was Taehyung’s turn to get sick and you immediately felt bad that he got it from you. Nonetheless, you made it your goal as well to care for your best friend.

Taehyung opened his mouth and took in the delicious content. He was pampered by the Gods, or in this case, you. You did the same thing, but better—his words, not yours. You fluffed his pillows, cuddled with him since you were immune to any sickness, and scratched his scalp to his liking.

“You’re the best at taking care of me.” He cheesed, wiggling in happiness under his blankets.

“Not as much as you did with me! Look I’m better!” You countered, giving him more spoonfuls of soup. “Plus, I’m the one who got you sick…”

“True, but I would be upset if it were anyone else. You’re an exception.” He reassured you. “If I got it from Eunjeong and Sungyeon, there would be problems.” You laughed at his sayings.

“You’re such a mean eldest brother.” You joked to which he pouted. “But you’re the best of best friends.”

The sides of his lips lifted upwards forming his rectangular smile. “Impossible. You’re number one, Blue.”

You hummed and shrugged, “Maybe to you. But you’re number one to me.” You tilted the bowl towards him, so he can finish it all up. He slurped the remaining in the dish and gasped in satisfaction, thanking you a million times more.

“Taehyung, stop. You don’t need to do that.” You pushed away the chopsticks holding a piece of tuna that Taehyung pushed in front of your face.

The morning arrived sooner than you liked and the hospital was filled with more murmurs and rushing health professionals from behind the door of your room. You were tired as hell, but the nurse suggested you eat first before going back to sleep. You were assigned to eat three meals daily due to your previous eating habits, so the tray before you had all the nutrients you needed for breakfast.

Though you expected to be alone by now, Taehyung was still right by your side. It made you curious that he was here and not at home. Didn’t he have like…a busy life as an idol? Now he was trying to feed you food.

You were a bit embarrassed by it but more so uncomfortable at how he was being. You remembered how you used to take care of one another when the other was sick, but this was different.

“But you need to eat, Blue.” He frowned. “Plus lemme take care of you like when we were younger.” He pushed, but the blank stare in your demeanor made him put the utensils down. You sighed in relief so that you could finally eat on your own.

“Don’t call me Blue. I may have said yes but you haven’t earned anything yet for you to call me that. That was before and now is different. Do you understand me? I also can eat for myself, it’s not like my limbs aren’t working. I’m grown too.” You informed with a stern tone as you mouthed a spoonful of rice. You saw him frown, biting his lip and nodding. You hated that you felt guilty for being cruel but it was true. You couldn’t let him in that easily. “But I appreciate what you’re doing for me. You know you can leave right?” You eased him, noticing how tensed he was before.

He nodded before licking his lips as a habit. “I know, but I don’t want you to be alone here. I remember how you get…”

He did it again, but this time you let it slide. You scrunched your face at the hard reality of those words. You really hated being by yourself, especially in new environments. You’ve been in Seoul for a little over half a year, but everywhere you went didn’t seem as right. Most likely because you were alone for the majority of the time, but you couldn’t do anything so you had to suck it up and get used to it.

“Thank you again.” You told him, politely smiling.

“No need to thank me, Bl—I mean, ___.” He chuckled nervously as he watched you eat more and more, looking appreciative at how you were stuffing your cheeks.

The atmosphere was somewhat awkward, but it wasn’t as bad as before. It just…needed some getting used to again. Taehyung was a person you held many memories with, then he vanished for years and now he was back, so it was difficult to approach it without acknowledging the gap and distance between you two. But hey, it was something.

“So…” You cleared your throat. “How long do I have to be here?”

“I told them a month because you needed to rest, but I knew you would complain…”

“And you’re right about that.” You responded, sipping on some orange juice.

“So the doctors compromised with two weeks,” Taehyung informed as he drank his hot chocolate. You pondered that he was still anti-coffee after all these years, but never told him.

“Two weeks is too long. I don’t have any illness or broken anything really. I still have work and scho—”

“While you were out, Kenji and Seojoon Hyung were with me before they left for the night. Kenji told me to tell you that you’re off until you were in stable condition.” He reported as he leaned back into his chair.

“But—”

“He also mentioned that I should fight you until you agreed. His words, not mine.” The idol grinned, remembering the little complaint the younger man displayed. But then the smile vanished as to why he took the advice from someone that barely knew you. Also though Kenji meant no harm, it felt like poison in the idol’s veins every time you interacted with your coworker.

You slapped your palms over your eyes and groaned. “Then he mustn’t know how expensive staying at a hospital is. It’s gonna cost me a for—”

“No, I paid for everything.” He shook his head before you looked at him flabbergasted.

Your jaw dropped as you blinked dumbly, “No, you shouldn’t have. Stop—”

“Why not? ___, you haven’t taken care of yourself properly. You were literally dehydrated and starving yourself, in addition to putting all this unnecessary stress on you. Kenji told me you’re working seven days now while still in school!” Why did Kenji know so much about you? Taehyung grew concerned and wanted to know who your coworker exactly was. “I know we’re still in a weird purgatory with our friendship that we rekindled three hours ago, but I still care for you, if not more than before, whether or not we grew apart. I don’t like when you do this to yourself, you of all people should know. It’s not healthy, and you know I’m right.”

He was scolding, and you were pissed, but you couldn’t deny that he was right. Similar events happened like this where you would faint in school or at home. They weren’t chronic, but it was mainly due to having so much stress at a very young age. Your body went into overdrive at certain points where it couldn’t handle thus blacking out. Stressors came from socializing, helping your family farm on the weekends, your elderly grandparents aging, studying in school, the list could go on and vary by the person.

Taehyung was there for almost all of your fainting and stood by you while holding your hand to ensure that you weren’t feeling as stressed. He’d scold you, kinda like now, but it was because he was worried. He tried doing the most for you, whether it was being the first to speak to someone, to helping you on the farm to assisting you and your grandparents with some daily stretches, to reduce muscle tension.

“Y—you’re right…” You exhaled as you glanced at him. His pupils dilated with his lips apart, surprised that you were being levelheaded with him rather than yelling. “This was my first faint in Seoul, so I’m sure everyone except you didn’t know what to do.”

Taehyung hummed faintly before his eyebrows pushed together, “Did you faint after…you know…I—” He hated mentioning it, but it happened. Fortunately, you knew what he was talking about so you nodded.

“A lot during my undergraduate years actually…” This brought an aching frown onto the idol’s face. “I was never alone though. I had roommates who helped and it was usually surrounded by crowds. Although it was sometimes too much for them…”

Saturated silence covered the room, though it was even lighter compared to a couple of minutes ago. Maybe it was that you were both “catching up,” but this wasn’t something you’d expect with “catching up.”

Nevertheless, Taehyung reached for your hand and opened your palm out. Using his thumbs, he applied pressure to it, thumbing down your skin. He has done this before as past time while you were both doing nothing but having your quality time. “I wish for you to never go through with that again. If so, I hope that it would happen when you’re with me.” He spoke timidly, being careful with his wording. “Please take care of yourself. I don’t wanna see you in a hospital again unless you’re giving birth.”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed as you tried hiding the laughter within you, “You’re a shithead, you know that?”

“Mmm, no. I’ve heard asshole and dick.” He shrugged as a light smirk formed on his lips. You looked away as you continued finishing your food. “But I really am serious when I say to take care of yourself. Now if you want me to take c—”

“I’m not making you do that.”

“Then you take care of yourself.” He stated. “Saying you’re a grown woman, yet you drink three cans of Coke as a meal??”

You pouted, having no comeback so you finally let it go and agreed. “Fine, but the hospital bill. You didn’t need to do that.”

“I want to and I can. It’s all part of caring for you, okay?”

You sighed before nodding. You were still careful of him, but you accepted his presence back into your life. Improvements were being made slowly but surely. You wondered how this would go.

The nurse came by again to give Taehyung a complimentary meal. Perks of being an idol you assumed but as she settled the tray down, she turned her head to say, “By the way, Mr. Kim. There’s someone outside of the room. She said she has been notified by one of the people on the entry list for Miss ___.”

Before Taehyung could even speak, you interjected. “It’s probably Halmeoni. Kenji must have told her where I was and wanted to check up on me. Send her in.”

The nurse has a puzzled expression but merely nodded as she left the room. Taehyung shifted back at you and said, “You have a nice boss…”

“Well, ye—” You barely completed your sentence as the door slammed open, flinching you and Taehyung. Your eyes searched for the sound, then creased your forehead at this newcomer. She was definitely not Halmeoni, not even being a Halmeoni. 

But Taehyung knew exactly who she was. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, dressed in her athleisure wear, yet sported a YSL crossbody bag. Her face writhed with frustration, but eyes bounced off of him and you, someone who she doesn’t know.

The idol got up from his seat and faced his body to his girlfriend. “C-Clara—“

“Tae, where have you been? You’ve been gone the entire night and missed our morning walk together.” Clara complained as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Since you were with Seojoon Oppa, I called him and ask where you were and he said the hospital. I came right away thinking you were hurt, but the front desk told me you were a visitor and—”

Her eyes landed on you. Nothing on you or your face screamed familiarity to her mind. Her brain couldn’t click at the sight of you, but her thoughts questioned who were you and how you knew her boyfriend. But despite looking rather sickly, the socialite deemed the visual of South Korea thought you were pretty.

Intimidatingly and competitively pretty.

“Who’s she?” Clara simply asked Taehyung who was practically a goldfish.

No thoughts were running through his mind right now. He didn’t expect to let his girlfriend meet his childhood best friend. If anything, that was at the very bottom of his thoughts list. Yet it still happened…earlier than he wanted, and when did he want it? Never at all.

Judging by her behavior, questions, and the worried look plastered on her face, you recollected the subtle memory of Jungkook revealing that Taehyung had a girlfriend of five years.

This was probably the girlfriend in front of you.

Unnoticeably to the two, you scrutinized her. You bit the inside of your cheeks. She looked familiar, probably someone famous but not in the entertainment industry. Regardless, she was drop-dead gorgeous, making you feel a bit insecure. So this was Taehyung’s type? Huh, couldn’t blame him. He was always uniquely handsome, a stunning visual.

But he was being an idiot right now by not answering his girlfriend’s question. You didn’t want her to accuse you of something. She looked approachable—kinda not really—, but your intuition says she could use her power over you.

So you decided to step in. “You must be…” Her irises diverted to you again as your brain worked its magic. “Clara, his girlfriend? Taehyung has told me so much about you.”

The idol finally resumed as he snapped back towards you with a stupefied look. The both of you knew it was a straight-up lie, but you eyed him out before laying them back on his pissed-off girlfriend and smiled. “I must say you’re very pretty and graceful in person.”

All of sudden, the tension peeled off her body when a smile formed on her. “He has?” She cooed as she stepped closer to the bed. You nodded and grinned. Fuck, you were prettier up close, an approachable and family-winning face, she thought. “Tae, aren’t you gonna introduce me to her? I mean she already knows bu—”

You giggled and Clara couldn’t help but observe your every move. Meanwhile, Taehyung rolled his eyes but guessed it was time. “So Clara, this is ___ ___. She’s my childhood best friend from Geochang.” He presented you with such precision, hiding an exciting smile. But then glanced at Clara who kept her stare at you. “___, this is Na Clara. My…girlfriend.”

“Childhood best friend?” The socialite pointed out before looking at her boyfriend. “You never told me you had a childhood best friend.”

Taehyung scratched the back of his head, not out of nervousness but you could sense a bit of irritation, but Clara doesn’t notice a thing. “Uhh, we had a falling out before I debuted. I thought it was over…But we met again a couple of weeks back when I was out with Seojoon Hyung and Wooshik Hyung.”

“Oh, so it’s been a while since you reunited with her?” Clara questioned, biting her pink-coated lips. “Why didn’t you tell me about her now, at least?”

Taehyung seemed appalled at her behavior. “Why does it—”

Oh, no. You refused to listen to this potential fight, so you butted it again. “Uhh, I’m practically irrelevant in his life now. He’s right about the childhood best friend, but it’s more was. I’m just an acquaintance. It was nice of him to visit—“

“___, you’re not irrelevant.” Taehyung gloomed, but you didn’t care as you were trying to save his ass.

“Either way, it was nice meeting you. I hope to see you again.” You greeted the socialite before glaring at the idol. “I think you should go and say whatever you have to say elsewhere.” As if you conversed this with him through your mind, he got the gist that you didn’t want to see an argument happening. Yet his eyes widened for a sign of your reassurance of being alone. “I’ll be fine, I promise. Kenji texted that he’ll visit later today.” It was another white lie, but he may come knowing how much his grandparents would nag him to bring you homemade dishes. 

Taehyung’s eye twitched at the mention of Kenji. He wanted to say a thing or two but restrained himself as he wasn’t in a position to do so. So he gave in and nodded. “Be safe, okay? If you need anything, just text me.”

“Don’t worry so much, Mr. Big-Shot Idol. I’ll be fine.” You smiled comfortingly, which eased Taehyung.

“It was nice meeting you too!” Clara spoke back, waving goodbye. “Maybe we can hang out sometime.”

You didn’t know if you wanted that, but you nodded civilly. You began to question if bringing Taehyung back into your life was the right decision.

-

“I can’t believe you fucking came!” Taehyung banged the front door open, stomping inside and through the entranceway. Clara closed the door behind her and rushed behind him. She watched as he paced around the living room, not caring if he had shoes inside the house. “Barging into the room like that, have you no shame at all?”

“I do have shame! Why’d you think I waited outside until I got permission.” Clara reasoned.

“Didn’t Hyung tell you that I wasn’t hurt?”

“No, he told me that you’ve been at the hospital the whole night if you weren’t back home.” She explained. He groaned at Seojoon’s choice of words. “He didn’t say anything else because I hung up and came rushing! You had me worried sick! I thought something happened to you!”

“Well, I’m fine as you can fucking see.” The idol said sardonically.

Clara sighed, trying to be as rational as possible. “So, that girl…what even happened anyway?”

Taehyung slummed himself onto the couch and ran his fingers through his disheveled hair. 

“She fainted at work because of exhaustion and stress. She tends to do that, so I had to make sure she’s fine since she has no family in Seoul.”

The socialite wrinkled her face, gathering more questions. “And she really is your childhood best friend? You’re not ch—”

“Why do you always think I’m cheating if I encounter another girl or hang out with anyone but you?” The idol retorted as he puts pressure on his temples. “I gave you no fucking reason for you to accuse me of cheating. Don’t you trust me?”

“I do! I ju—”

“You just nothing.” He interrupted. “Don’t stay shit like that if there’s no reason.”

“I’m sorry! It’s just…” She bit her lips, rubbing her bicep at his statement. “She’s really pretty, Taehyung.”

Taehyung squinted his eyes at her, incredulous to say the least. “How do you even want me to respond to that? Aren’t you like getting compliments and praise left and right? This was never an issue?”

Her face twisted then shrugged, “It’s not. I’m just saying…How long have you known her?”

Taehyung protruded his lips out, debating if he should tell her. He wasn’t necessarily against sharing things about you, but it was different with his…girlfriend. It didn’t feel right to do so, Taehyung knew deep down.

However, if he wanted you to be back in his life, this also meant showing you to others who were a part of his life after you, including Clara and his other members. He couldn’t keep you all to himself. He felt iffy about it, but he had to no matter what. “Well, if you must know, we’ve known each other for almost twenty years. But I haven’t seen her for nearly half of it. She’s known Kim Taehyung before all of this.”

Clara had something in her eyes that Taehyung couldn’t figure out. Wondering? Curious? Jealous? It was difficult to explain, but he didn’t think it was a bad sign. To save his brain all the trouble, she finally spoke. “How do you feel meeting her again?”

The idol was taken aback, not expecting her to ask that. It was weird but somewhat appreciative. “Uhh, it’s good? She kinda hates me, but she’s willing to be friends again.”

“Why would you say she hates you?”

“Like what was said earlier, we had a falling out.”

“Why?”

“Jesus, how many questions do you have?” He fussed.

“She’s literally the only person who knew you the longest other than your family. She probably knows everything about you and I’m curious.” She casually replied.

“Maybe more than she admits though…” He mumbled and she couldn’t get what he said. But before she could ask him, he went ahead and said, “We had a falling out because I was a complete dick to her and basically ignored her after moving to Seoul.”

Taehyung closed his eyes, not knowing how painful it must have been for you. You needed him, but he wasn’t there for you. The guilt oozed inside him. Though he couldn’t make it up, he hoped that he could rekindle your friendship and regain your trust in little to no time.

“So she was just a friend?” Clara brought him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, why?” Taehyung answered swiftly. She blinked at her boyfriend whilst he stared back in confusion. He gave no other indications. Strange…he told the truth but there was a faint sparkle in his eyes.

“Well, if she’s a part of your life again, then maybe we can hang out with her. Bring her to parties, don’t you think?” Clara suggested. “After all, she has no one in Seoul.”

Taehyung hated that he liked her idea. He agreed that he should bring you into some get-togethers, but not spend time with his girlfriend and best friend together. Yet it was part of his way into helping you heal your scars and open you up to trusting people again, including himself. He wanted you to get back on your feet socially, and that was something he wanted to do.

-

Weeks went by and you were still cautious of Taehyung, but you couldn’t help to admit that you missed him. You forgot how much his aura made your day. He looked weary most of the time, but his demeanor spun a 180 when he came to visit you. Sometimes he was with Jimin, Jungkook, Seojoon, and even Clara shockingly. There were moments where she’d watch your every move but nothing too intense. The girl seemed friendly and wanted to get to know you a little better, but of course, you were still traumatized from the past girls who approached you. Heck, even the others wanted to know you too.

But once he was alone, he was reassured that they meant no harm and were genuine. More or less for Clara, but she was his girlfriend after all. Despite all, Taehyung made it a routine to visit you while you were in the hospital, interrogating you if you ate or drank water which you did.

By the time, you were discharged. You glowed radiantly like a goddess and plumper in the face and cheeks, looking like the Blue he knew and loved. Though you told him not to, he always called you Blue in his head and sometimes with Jungkook and Jimin.

You still couldn’t go back to work as your boss instructed you to come back a month after leaving the hospital, which was bullshit from your perspective. But it gave you time to rest and focus on school. You were doubtful of it, but knowing you couldn’t do anything about it, you nodded. It was difficult to find a job as is, and finding a job that worked with your hours was a needle in the haystack.

But still, you were grateful for your bosses. They even closed an hour or two within their business hours to visit you. They gave you so many side dishes and stews while ranting to you about how they missed their favorite worker and how terrible Kenji was by himself.

While Kenji was there too.

More weeks passed and you were finally able to work again. You went back to working five days now. Halmeoni refused to give you any more, even insisted on doing less but you denied it and stuck with your regular shifts. With that, Taehyung also visited and ate at the restaurant. You were still his server, but this time, you actually held a conversation with him and treated him warmly. There was still distance, he could sense that kilometers away but he enjoyed every minute of it.

One night, he and Jungkook stayed back and helped clean the restaurant up. Your bosses and Kenji didn’t deny the free labor from the handsome rich idols, so you let it be. Less stress for you maybe.

Kenji left quickly for the day as he had a group project to work on, so you were left alone to close up. Once you hung your apron on the hook, you turned to Jungkook who called your name. You shouldered your bag and tilted your head. “So my birthday is coming up, and I was wondering if you would like to come.”

You scrunched your nose, and a million thoughts ran through your mind. “I-I’m invited? You really want me to come?”

Jungkook gawked blankly at you. You looked so serious and worried. He turned to his older member and Taehyung only nodded at your behavior. “O-of course, ___. I’m inviting you right now! I’d love for you to come.”

“Oh.” You said quietly. You bit your lips and fiddled with your fingers, wondering what to say. “Ummm, when and where is it?”

“It’ll be next Saturday! You don’t work weekends right?” You shook your head, making Jungkook grin in happiness. “It starts at 8 PM. It’ll be at Taehyungie Hyung’s house.”

“Why is it at his and not yours?”

Jungkook blushed hard at your thoughtless question. He felt a bit embarrassed to say it, but Taehyung chimed in. “Jungkookie’s house is not fit to invite guests. It’s not messy, just structured unusually.”

“I just have a lot of stuff…” The younger member tried defending himself, but it didn’t seem solid.

“So you think you could come ___?” Taehyung asked, hoping you say yes.

“I…I love to, but who’ll be there?” You were asking many questions because you feared it would be a full-on party to which you’d take back your acceptance.

“Don’t worry. Hyung says you’re not comfortable with big parties.” You eyed Taehyung out for exposing your shyness. “I’m also shy too, so I don’t have many friends. It’ll just be our members, some partners, maybe some of Tae’s Wooga Hyungs, my close idol friends, and my brother is coming into town. It’ll just be a grilling dinner, really. I promise. Maybe even karaoke.” Jungkook comforted your hesitancy and you appreciated him for that.

In fact, besides getting closer to Taehyung, you’ve also grown fond of Jungkook and Seojoon. Though you barely spoke to Seojoon, he was there for many occurrences but he seemed comforting. Jimin seemed too much for you that you were overwhelmed, but he meant well. Also, his eye contact scared you. Jungkook was a good ground. Maybe because he was younger and shy like you.

You nodded before smiling tenderly. A breathtaking sight in both Jungkook and Taehyung. Taehyung being that it was been a while since he has seen you smile so genuinely. Jungkook being that he may have a teeny tiny crush on you. You just looked so gentle. “I’ll be there, but I may need the address.”

“I’ll send it to you,” Taehyung announced.

“Why not me?” Jungkook pouted.

“It’s my house address.”

“Point taken.”

-

It was the following weekend and the older members were preparing the food on the table. Jungkook was busy greeting his guests, Jimin and Wooshik were having a conversation, Clara did some last-minute cleaning and Taehyung was scared shitless for you.

This was the first time he asked you to hang out beyond your work. Well, technically Jungkook asked but it still counted. This will also be the first time you actually meet almost everyone new in his life. This was new territory for you, because not only being introduced to new people, but these were also idols, artists, and influencers. He knew you were nothing like them, you probably knew too. He knew you were nervous and scared to be outside of your comfort zone. He only wished to keep you calm and relaxed the whole night through.

But for him? Taehyung didn’t really understand you. When you first met again, you ignored him. Then, you were vile and snappy. Next, you were still mean but at least you spoke to him civilly. Now you were a little bit approachable. You were hot and cold, mainly cold but he didn’t know where he stood in this. Were you even willing to be in a friendship with him? You don’t seem like you wanted it, despite the friendlier exchanges. He felt lost and didn’t know how to talk about it with you.

“Babe, you okay?” Taehyung felt arms wrapped around his waist, startling him. He looked down and spotted Clara looking curious, noticing how tense he was. “You seem frazzled.”

“Just a lot going on.” He replied. Her grip loosened as she lets go but held one of his hands.

“Are the sessions doing okay?”

His jaw hardened. Of course, she’d ask that. “Yeah, they’re great.” He answered, but sarcasm rang around it.

She hummed before grabbing a filled glass of wine from a tray. She sipped the content before saying, “Who else is Kookie inviting?” She scanned the room, getting more and more packed with familiar faces.

As if Jungkook heard, he stopped by the couple. “Where’s ___?”

“You invited her too?” Clara’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yeah, she’s my friend too.” Jungkook cheesed in pride, but it made Taehyung’s eyes twitch. “Is she coming?”

The front door opened and the three’s attention went toward who was coming in. The two youngest members thought it was you, but three men stepped in—Wooga Squad, Hyungsik, Seojoon, Sunghwan, and Namhyuk. Taehyung pierced his eyes at Namhyuk. It seemed that he finally had time to hang out after months. It was good to see, he thought, but still felt weirded out.

Clara waved at the older men and greeted them. She excused herself to hug all three of them, happy to see their attendance. Her boyfriend observed their interactions, feeling nothing, and had no comments. 

“Did she text you?” Jungkook asked, growing worried. “Did you send her the right address?”

“Chill, bro.” Taehyung cocked an eyebrow. “She’ll come, she doesn’t back out. She’s probably just worried or lost. I live a little out of Seoul.”

“Doesn’t she know us though?”

“Yeah, but it’s different than showing face. She needs to be eased into these kinds of things.” Taehyung informed the younger as his eyes went towards the door. “Believe me, I know.”

Jungkook raised his brow at him. “Really? You know.” He knew you were his childhood best friend, but he acted like no shit happened between you two until recently. “Hyung, she’s not fifteen anymore. It’s different.”

But Taehyung diverted his eyes, staring seriously at his member. “Whether she’s fifteen or twenty-five, I know her. Things are different now, but there are still those same old things I know too well like the back of my hand.” The conversation ended there, but there were still some things Jungkook wanted to say. But he went against them, or else people would know about his interest in you.

But Taehyung knew by the looks of it and he didn’t like it one bit.

Taehyung’s phone rang and he instantly checked who it was—you were calling. He excused himself away from Jungkook so that he doesn’t hear your conversation. Once he was at a distance from the crowd, he answered and greeted you.

“I think I’m here?” You announced through the speakers. “These houses are too big and it took me an hour to get here.”

“Why didn’t you call me to come to get you? You would have been here sooner.”

“You’re literally hosting it at your house. I could never ask you that.” You countered. He heard shuffling in the background, most likely you were carrying something else. “It’s fine because I was running late anyway.”

“You know you can knock, right?” He gazed at the entrance, waiting for some kind of sound.

“I know, but…well, I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been here for almost thirty minutes. I even saw Seojoon and the others go in but I hid behind a car.”

“What, why?”

“I’m nervous, Taehyung.” You squeaked, breathing slowly. “People like you, they don’t like me as much.”

He hated your doubts, wanting to take them away from you. “Don’t say that, ___. You know almost half of them and they like you. The rest will like you too.”

“You think so?”

“Of course and I never lie to you.”

You respired, “Okay, but like can you get me? I feel awkward coming in by myself.”

He smiled pleasantly. “Yeah, I’ll be there. See you soon.” You ended the call and Taehyung began walking through the guests.

“Is ___ here?” Jungkook begged him once the call ended. 

“___’s coming?” Jimin’s eyes shined in glee.

“Wait, ___?” Yoongi heard your name. “Your best friend, ___?”

“Why is she coming? Did you two make up?” Hoseok wondered. “Jungkook, you know about this?”

“I invited her!” The youngest publicized. “She’s my friend now!”

Wooshik gasped, “You brought the cute waitress friend from the restaurant?”

Taehyung pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh my God, before anyone else speaks, yes to all—Wait, why are you calling her cute—You know what? Never mind. She’s here actually, but don’t stare at her like some woodland creature! She’s nervous about meeting all of you so cut her some slack.” His eyes roamed his friends who stood quietly, even nodding. “I’ll go get her.” He resumed his walk out. 

“Wait, why not me?” Jungkook asked.

“She asked me to,” Taehyung muttered before opening the entrance and stepping outside.

The idol eyeballed over his driveway and front lawn, but there were still no signs of you. He walked down the porch stairs and called your name. All of sudden, a neatly curled head of hair popped up from behind a parked car. You walked around the vehicle, fully revealing yourself to him and Taehyung’s irises widened.

In addition to your hair styled softly curled, this was the first time he saw you in makeup. It was natural and enhanced, but you had a touch of red on your lips. You usually bare-faced into work, most likely because you were too tired to care. But what made him blown away was the dress you wore. A faint tangerine hue midi dress with thin straps that had floral patterns precisely spread across the fabric, the skirt of the dress flowed like a mermaid. You paired it off with some nude block heels.

Taehyung gulped at your appearance. It was so you like how he remembered, but so… mature and grown. This really was you, his best friend ever since he was young. His Blue. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you until you clear your throat.

“Stop staring, it doesn’t help my anxiousness.” You went up to him and pushed the tray of confectionery into his hands.

“S-sorry.” He apologized before looking down at what you gave him. He inspected it a little longer before he gasped in utter disbelief. “Are these…”

“Yes, they’re my butter mochi.” You finished his ask with a reply. “I didn’t have time, nor money to buy him something. I also don’t know what an idol would want besides name-brand things. I slept late last night to make them…Do you think he’ll like it?”

His eyes met your worried ones, but he couldn’t help to find endearment in your concerns. “Of course, ___. He’ll love them. Jungkook is literally a hyena with any food.”

You exhaled as you flattened your dress down, “Is this too much? This isn’t even mine. I had to borrow this from Kenji’s sister and she lent me some make—”

“___, you’re blabbering.”

“I know I told you I was nervous, but is it really showing?”

“Unfortunately, it is.” He spoke honestly, to which you groaned. “But again, you’ll be okay. With all the hype Jungkook and Jimin have been giving you, I’m sure you’ll be greatly loved.” You rolled your eyes at the thought of those two being blatantly obvious with their flirting. You also knew that Jungkook had a little crush on you. “You know Jungkook has a crush on you right?”

“Don’t even remind me. I feel bad because I don’t. I barely know the guy too.” You vocalized into the air. For some reason, your rejection of his member mitigated his worries. He knew Jungkook would be upset about it, but at least it wouldn’t be as much of a problem. 

“Let’s go inside. Everyone’s dying to meet you.” Taehyung guided you toward the entrance. He had his hand on the knob and before he twisted it, he stared at you once more and said, “You look beautiful, by the way.” He averted back to the door to open, and it was a good thing he was focused on that otherwise he would have seen the rosiness of your cheeks creeping up.

As you entered and took your shoes off, you tried your best to push negative thoughts and useless concerns out of your head. You cheered yourself on that Taehyung was right about them liking you. Once you reached the end of the entranceway, you felt many pairs of eyes on you like you were new meat. Technically, you were so you viewed them back with big doe-eyes. You gripped your hands together, playing with them to ease yourself.

“Everyone, meet ___! She’s my childhood best friend from Geochang.” Taehyung presented you to his friends who ogled at your form.

You grinned followed by a wave or two at his members and other guests you didn’t know besides the ones you saw at your work. “Hello, nice to meet you all.”

“JK, she made her famous butter mochi. It’s the best thing in the whole world.” Taehyung walked towards his youngest member and handed him the tray.

“I’ll eat these with pride and honor, ___. Thank you!” Jungkook praised and you chuckled with satisfaction. Hoseok eyed the treats out, but the youngest pushed them away from his eyes to see.

Meanwhile, the rest continued to peer in your direction. You didn’t know what to do. Though your reflex was to cling onto Taehyung like before, it would be questionable, especially with Clara’s eyes on you. They were filled with blankness, but still. So you stayed still and tapped on your appendages.

“You’re ___?” Seokjin was the first among them to ask. You nodded then came more questions. “You were the one who talked to Taehyung late at night when we were trainees?”

You laughed nervously, cringing at how you were being. “Yeah, it was a long time ago but…you remembered?”

“How could I forget losing my sleep because of that?” Yoongi added in, making some of the crowd laugh. “Always hearing damn laughter from the other side of the room.”

“You’re pretty.” Namjoon blurted out, grabbing the attention of everyone, particularly Taehyung. “Like, super attractive.”

“Isn’t she?” Wooshik cheesed. “Yah, you look healthier too. I’m so happy for you.”

“Good to see the voice that haunted our sleep,” Hoseok mentioned jokingly. “I mean it in the nicest way possible.”

“Oh, thank you.” You responded but it sounded like a question. The pink hue crept back up into your cheeks. “Uhhhhh…”

Jimin came into the conversation, “You know ___ is single—”

“Okay, we’re not getting into that,” Taehyung interjected as he went to your side. “Feel free to get to know ___, but not too much.” He focused his pupils on Namjoon, Jungkook, and Jimin. “Go easy on her. This is her first party in Seoul.”

Jimin then linked his arm around yours, surprising you as you gawked at his action. “Come, ___. Sit by me tonight.”

You were about to protest, but you were getting dragged towards the table with Jungkook and Wooshik following suit, asking you so many questions. You turned back to see Taehyung bewildered with his mouth open.

You were stolen from him.

Taehyung felt a smaller hand intertwined with his, knowing that it was his girlfriend. Clara looked at him, but he continued to look at your overwhelmed stature as Namjoon asked you about your schooling.

The socialite giggled lightly and squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Just enjoy yourself.” Taehyung hummed gingerly, knowing you’ll be okay but kept an eye on you the whole night through.

-

You would think that winning the soccer championship games in your second year of high school called for a celebration. Even Taehyung thought so, but he didn’t think it would be this vast. 

It felt like everyone and their moms were here squished up together, shoulder to shoulder in this house. Taehyung practically bulldozed over people to get to his destination and he couldn’t quite indicate where his destination was with all these invitees.

His captain and sunbae, Jungjae, hosted a “small” get-together at his house to which Taehyung got granted permission by his parents and brought you along to jubilate with him. But once you arrived, you noticed his parents weren’t around, more people than the team multiplying by the minute, older ones who brought alcohol and juice, and breaths running down your necks. 

Neither of you expected it, and to his dismay, Taehyung was ripped away from you as his teammates were greeting and introducing him to their friends and it just went downhill. He got pressured into drinking the bitter taste of soju as a team bonding. Now he maneuvered his way through the sardines of bodies, trying to figure out where you were. He scoped the area, hoping to some kind of characteristic of you. He was near the back of the house, noting the lawn with the large pool in the middle of it. Jungjae was from a well-off family, so it made sense. But no one dared to go outside, since all the fun was inside.

“Hey, Tae!” A hand rested on his shoulder. He turned and saw it was one of his teammates, Kim Minjae, who was the same year as him. “How you’ve been?” He offered a cup of an unknown alcoholic substance but Taehyung denied it.

“I’m good, it’s…this party is wild.” He had to shout his answer over the blaring sounds of the music.

“I know right? Maybe even hoping to get with someone tonight.” Minjae smirked as he gulped down his drink. Taehyung did not want to envision his teammate trying to stick his dick somewhere. He needed to find you, thinking that you’re probably very uncomfortable right now. 

“Good luck with that, I guess,” Taehyung commented, more to himself.

But it was when Minjae gasped and smacked Taehyung’s chest to grab his attention again. “Her, that one. I’m calling it.” His teammate pointed over and Taehyung followed the direction. “Pretty in the black dress.” Once he landed his eyes at Minjae’s “target,” Taehyung almost had smoke blowing out of his nose.

Through the transparent sliding door, you sat outside at the edge of the pool. At the end of your feet, there was a cup resting. You looked into the door, seeing all the “fun” happening. You were so easily turned off by what was happening in the house, you stepped outside to be alone. The crowd alarmed you, so you left it immediately and sat there in solitude.

“She’s even alone, this is perfect,” Minjae observed before chugging down the alcohol. “I’m going in.”

Before he could even do anything, Taehyung stopped him, pulling his teammate back. “No, you’re not. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Aww, did you call dibs already?”

“There’s no dibs. She’s my best friend.” Taehyung scoffed. “I’m not letting you go near her!” His voice got lower, and the protectiveness with you heightened so much more, seeing that Minjae tried to do something.

“Geez, alright, I won’t.” Minjae back offed, noting how angry Taehyung got. But despite all this, he was being a drunk idiot. “She is hot though. Did you tap th—”

“Leave before I punch you in the fucking throat!”

“Okay, bro. No need for violence.” His teammate raised his palms out as he surrendered. He eyed you out before shifting his eyes at Taehyung, then ultimately leaving before a fight broke out.

He didn’t bother to look back because Taehyung sped towards your direction, pushing people away with no remorse. He slid the door open, catching your eyes. Once you saw your best friend, your calmed face morphed into great relief with the pout you pushed out your mouth. “Blue.”

“Hyungie.” You got up from your seated position and ran into his arms to feel his embrace. “I don’t like this. I thought you said it was the team and their plus ones.”

“I thought so too.” Your best friend sighed. “But I guess Jungjae Hyung wanted to go all out for his final year.”

You sniffed his shirt, analyzing his smell. You held his chin to open his mouth before wafting his breath. “You drank.” You stared sternly.

“You too!” He didn’t want to be at fault for everything. “There’s a cup right there.”

“I was offered one but I didn’t drink it. I fled before they even noticed.”

Guilt consumed him as he couldn’t deny your allegations. “I was told to. It was for the team, but after that, I didn’t take another sip.”

“I’m not mad at you.” You giggled as you held his cheeks in your palms. “I’m just tryna give you a heads up because your parents may be up and will notice smells.”

Taehyung pondered that for a minute before a sly smirk appeared, “What if I sleep over? It is a weekend. Your grandparents are asleep, no?”

You threw your head back in laughter and shook your head, “Can’t believe you’re taking advantage of my elderly grandparents and their early bedtime.”

“Better than getting punished by my parents.” He shrugged oh so innocently before pecking your temple. “Let’s leave, Blue?”

“Mmm, yes please.” You tangled your fingers together and readied yourself. “Before we go home, let’s go to a convenience store. I want ice cream or a soda. Any liquid in the house is mixed with alcohol.”

He lifted your intertwined hands and poke his nose at your skin. “I’ll treat. A reward for putting up with this damn antic.”

“Can’t deny a hard bargain, Hyungie.” You agreed as you pointed over towards a gate. You spent much time outside, you were able to inspect the perimeter. “We can leave through there. No one will know we left.”

“I’m sure they won’t even know anything. They’re all drunk out of their minds.” He pulled you as you ran through the grass. You escaped the madhouse and made your own adventure with some strawberry juice and vanilla ice cream. 

-

Hours later, people were drunk out of their minds and dancing to Yoongi and Namjoon singing through the karaoke microphone. The birthday boy knocked out on the couch, cuddling up to Jimin while the older held a conversation with one of the guests. Hoseok was sitting in the corner, red as a tomato. Seokjin sat next to him reading webtoons. Seojoon, Hyungsik, and Wooshik sat on the floor and engaged in a nonsense conversation  Everyone was scattered around the house.

Taehyung was chilling on the other side of the couch. He didn’t bother where Clara was. The last thing she told him was that she was going to go to their bedroom upstairs since she felt drowsy, but that was over an hour ago. Other than her, he had to be a good host and make sure everyone was fine or not breaking any of the home decors.

So he stood up and walked around the house, inspecting that everything was alright. But as scoped out the areas, he realized something—you were nowhere to be seen. The last occurrence he remembered in the night was during the cutting of Jungkook’s birthday cake. The youngest tried to feed you some of his first slice. You denied it but he insisted and pulled the birthday card, so you had no reason but to.

In fact, Taehyung was never able to even spend time with you as everyone kept talking to you and Clara clung to his side at all times. Questions were asked like how long you’ve been in Seoul, how was Geochang, how you met Taehyung, where you go to school and what was your major, which Taehyung found out that it was Masters in Education through overhearing conversations. You always loved helping and educating others, especially him.

However, the main question of the night was what exactly happened between you and Taehyung. The members knew, but everyone else didn’t. Considering his friends saw you go from ignoring him to ridiculing him to having a genuine conversation, it spiked many wonders and thoughts. They were so curious since you were the person that knew Taehyung the longest, almost your entire life. You were practically a portal of history to who was Taehyung before being famous and the celebrity everyone knew and loved.

On contrary, you actually didn’t say much about it other than the “falling out,” even throwing a small fib that since Taehyung was away and have gotten busy, you grew apart as time went on. The members didn’t even argue but had confused looks. Taehyung didn’t know why you did that, especially all that he did to you. Maybe saving face, but who really knew?

Your answers were short and simple, not going in-depth with anything and definitely not with Jimin’s questions about dating and preferences. Taehyung was bothered by why his friend asked them but realized that Jimin was just curious about that realm. To be honest, he doesn’t think his member even has an interest. He just wanted to know things.

Now Taehyung’s mind dwelled on your whereabouts. You didn’t say you were leaving. Were you okay? It was barely midnight. He checked the bathrooms and they were empty, even the guest bedrooms, and still got nothing.

He went up to his members and asked, “Have you seen ___?” Jimin, Seokjin, and Hoseok looked up at him and crinkled their eyebrows in thought.

“The last time I saw her was before Jungkook was knocked out.” Jimin nudged the birthday boy who continued to be out cold.

“Maybe she went home?” Seokjin proposed with Hoseok drunkenly nodded quietly.

Taehyung shook his head, “She would have told us, especially since it’s pretty late. I wouldn’t even let her leave all by herself.”

“I’m sure she’s fine, Tae.” Jimin tried reassuring his best friend. “You’ve been worried about her the whole night through. I’m sure she had fun.”

There was so much Taehyung wanted to say, but bit back and nodded. He glanced at Yoongi and Namjoon still going strong at karaoke. “I need some water.” He announced before leaving to go to the kitchen.

He filled a glass up and chugged it down. He had a mild headache on his shoulders, still feeling worried about you. All he wanted was to know you were okay. Though this was small, it was still a party and people did pummel you with everything they got. In a way, it got too much for you.

Wait, he realized. When you were overwhelmed, you had a habit of walking away and being by—

Barking interrupted his thought process. It was Yeontan and sounded like it was coming from the backyard. On another thought, he hasn’t seen his pet the entire night so he was now concerned about two things.

The idol headed towards the back entrance and discovered the sliding door was opened a big wide, enough for his dog to stroll through. As his eyes searched for Yeontan, a gust of relief hit his face.

Not only did he find his dog bouncing and panting in joy, but Yeontan also kept you company as you sat on the patio and ate a slice of cake while talking to his dog. Your bare feet up and crossed onto the chair across “No, I can’t give you cake. There might be chemicals in here that are poison for you.” You spoke accordingly as you forked a piece into your mouth. “Not for me though. I am human and you are a dog.”

Yeontan cocked his head to the side before crawling towards your legs and jumping, whining his little heart for you. You placed the plate down on the table to grab the furry creature. “Okay, I’ll let you sit on my lap again.” The second you settled him on you, he curled up into a ball and laid down before closing his eyes. He cuddled his head into your lower stomach. “You get so cuddly. Reminds me of your father when we were younger.” You patted his fur down continuously.

Taehyung’s heart skipped at the scene. It was wholesome and sweet that he enjoyed every minute of the interaction. Also, the fact that you still knew his habit of cuddling. You looked at peace, for the first time tonight, being alone with his dog. But he hoped that he can join in like old times.

He knocked on the glass door before opening it wide enough to enter. You turned to see him close the door behind you as you grinned courteously. “I found you.” The idol greeted as he sat on the chair next to you. “Everyone said you were gone, but I didn’t believe them.”

“You’re right.” You replied as you caressed Yeontan. “Been here with your doggy for a while. He never wanted to leave me.”

“I’m surprised that he likes you. It took a while for him to like the members.” Taehyung stared at his pet as he leaned into this chair. “Clara still struggles with him. He always growls or runs away from her.”

You frowned as you glared at the animal on you. You stage whispered, “You shouldn’t do that to your mom. She cares for you, you know?”

Taehyung chuckled at your behavior. “Actually, no. He’s my pet. She doesn’t really care for him, only feeds him when I’m not around. Clara didn’t agree with me getting a dog, but I still got him.”

“Who would say no to this face?” You purred as you brought a sleeping Yeontan into your arms and kissed his head.

The idol heavily admired the view as you nuzzled your face into Yeontan’s fur. The small Pomeranian lazily licked the tip of your nose before going back to his slumber. You giggled and kept him back on your lap.

“I forgot that you just go away from everyone, yet you’re still here.” Taehyung pointed out, grabbing your attention.

“I mean I didn’t want to be rude to just leave without notifying the host.” You shrugged as you reached for your plate of dessert.

“I guess the habit never left you.”

You blew out a soft laugh from your nose. “Yeah, the habit of you always finding me never left either.”

“You had me worried.” He spoke truthfully as he bit his lips. “I know you’re not the biggest fan of these kinds of things.”

“You shouldn’t have been.” You told, trying to assure him. ”Parties before were crowded, but this was pretty tame.”

“Yet you still came outside alone with my pet.”

“It got a little too much when a drunk Jungkook was glued onto me and Namjoon asked me to sing with him. After laying birthday boy down on Jimin, everyone else was distracted so I dipped without notice.” You explained as you took some whipped buttercream into your mouth. “Everyone was nice though, and they gave me their numbers and even asked to hang out, but…”

“But…” Taehyung egged on, wanting to hear more of your opinion.

“I told them we’ll see ‘cause I really am busy with work and school, and other things.” You sighed.

“Did you have fun at least, ___?”

“Yeah, I did.” You smiled, reminiscing about tonight as you scraped what was left of the cake before popping it in between your lips. “It’s been a while since I had done something like this, so thank you for helping me out. I know you were busy and all, but—”

“No, no, I wasn’t busy. I actually wanted to hang out with you, but everyone else was in the queue to spend some time with the famous ___.”

“Please, I’m sure I’m the farthest from being famous in that room.” You snorted in disbelief. “Jungkook even introduced me to some of his idol friends, I forgot their names…Eunwoo? Yugyeom? I don’t know. There were so many names to remember.”

Taehyung smiled happily at your rambling. “Baby steps, I guess. Uhh…” He scratched his temple, trying to think of how to word this properly. “I hope this helped with, ummm, trusting people a little.” You blinked, reaching his uneasy eyes. “I’m sorry if this offends you. I just—”

“I understand.” You said. “I remembered back in the hospital that you wanted to help me trust people again.”

“Did it work?”

“Well, this is only the first meet so…” You breathed out. “Baby steps, I guess.” You repeated his saying to which he scrunched his nose in amusement and looked down at his lap. “I’m sure you’re wondering if I’m on my way to trusting you.” 

His mouth cured down when he pulled his up to see your pupils and face forward. “Is it that obvious?”

“You’ve been worried about me the entire night, you looked for me, you’re being protective of me from your drooling members, you’re asking all these questions now…and I know that’s what you want from me.”

“I—”

“I don’t like saying this now, but that’s how you were, Taehyung.” You huffed, then finally met his eye contact. “It’s fascinating that you still do that.”

“Why is it fascinating?”

“Because it’s been ten years since I last knew you.” You murmured. “I’m sure there are many differences between Taehyung before and Taehyung now.”

The idol pursed his lips at your statement. It seemed that everyone but him verbalized that things were different between you and him. That you weren’t eight anymore, that he wasn’t able to care for you as much as before, that the restoring bond wasn’t strong like when you were younger. He hated it, he didn’t want to resort to that so-called justified belief. The memories were there, that was his evidence as well as yours, but you refused to look at them as how he did.

“You say that yet, look where we are.” Taehyung implied, gazing at the perplexed expression on you. “Party inside, yet you’re outside and alone just like before. And you said it yourself, I always find you.” You didn’t respond, only letting him speak further. “It feels like the same old things between me and you.”

You processed what he was saying. He seemed bothered, the defense evident on his features. You understood what he meant, and you did see the patterns within the weeks, but you weren’t going to tell him that. There was still distance and you couldn’t figure out why or how to solve it yet. You doubted he figured it out too because he was struggling right now.

Or maybe you did know, but you feared the results and vulnerability you had to do.

“You can’t say that we’re still the same because you know damn, well that’s not true. Again, you don’t know the kind of person I’ve become in the past ten years, Taehyung.” You informed him, eyeing him out. “It’s all blank and all you know are those memories when we were younger and naive. There are differences.” You stated calmly indifferent to your heart palpitating rapidly. “Like how I think of you now.”

Taehyung felt a stubby pit in him. He didn’t like that he was aware of that fact, but it stung when you confirmed the distance. You were right, he knew nothing within those ten years and who you were. He hated himself for it. The shortness in his breathing was present but tried his best to control it without going through another episode. “W—what do you mean by that?”

“Well…” You fiddled with your fingers, gathering your thoughts into words. “You were my best friend.”

“A-and-and now?”

“I don’t know.” You responded curtly. Your tone was rude, but you didn’t know how to say it without hurting him. And the hurt was there on him with his shoulders slouching lower. “Sorry, to say it like that. But it’s my truth.”

He nodded defeatedly. “I get it. I’m the reason why it’s so hard for you to trust others.” You didn’t want to comfort him and say it wasn’t true, because that would be lying. ”And trusting the perpetrator is almost impossible.”

Now you wanted to counter. “It’s not impossible, Taehyung.”

“How can you even say that when you don’t even know how you think of me?” His glossy irises shined through the dimming light of the midnight moon. Hints of tears were not there, but he was fighting them back into place.

“Because I’m letting you back in again.” You directly expressed, but the pain was still there. Your eyes frantically searched around as you debated your next move. You hesitantly raised your arm out to him. At times, your hand flinched back but kept moving forward. He followed your movements in curiosity before he realized what you were doing.

Your fingers jungled through his ebony locks, scratching his scalp in fondness as you peered at the idol. “Taehyung like how you have your reasons, I have mine too. It’s not impossible because I forgave you too. If you want me back in your life, I want you as well. It goes both ways.” You held forth as you pushed back his bangs, revealing his shining forehead. “It’s just gonna take a while with all that happened, okay? Even with your members and friends. It’s coming together.”

“I don’t want us to be awkward though. I know you feel it too.”

“We can’t help it. We have empty years behind us, and hopefully, we’ll be able to catch up. Just don’t think too much about our past now and don’t compare. I’m not the happy-go-lucky pushover you know.”

“You were never a pushove—”

“We’re back and focus on how are now.”

“How are you even so calm? I miss my best friend and wanna hug you so tightly, but I feel like you’re gonna kick my ass if I do.” He spoke childishly, making you giggle.

His insides tingled at your lovely sound.

“You’re not wrong again.” You brought back your hand. A low whine came out of his mouth when he couldn’t feel your touch anymore.

“Of course, I’m not. I know you inside and out.” He frowned.

“Not all…” You said under your breath and were in relief that he didn’t catch it. “I’m calm because I know it will happen. Not everything happens within a night, Taehyung.”

“I also don’t like how formal you call me. I miss Hyun—”

“Don’t push it.” Clipping your voice, you clenched your jaw. You shut him up right away. “Let’s take it slow, please.”

He agreed then you yawned largely before rubbing your eyes. “You tired? I have extra roo—”

“I’ll take a cab home.” You spoke as you stood from your seat with Yeontan in your arms still sleeping. Taehyung copied your movements before you transferred his dog to him. “I need to wake up early to study anyway.”

“Are you sure? Everyone’s too drunk to move any limbs and is probably sleeping over.”

“More reasons for me to leave.” You said matter of factly. “You can take care of them. I sobered up while outside.”

“It’s late. I don’t even know where you live. What if you live far?”

“Taehyung…”

“I’m being respectively concerned.” He reasoned as he slid the back door open, letting you both inside. “I’m not letting anyone leave the house. We’re all sleeping in the living room. I prepared matching pajamas for every one of us.”

You chortled at exaggerated words, but deep down, he spoke the truth. He was an idol…he could afford it. “Seems like no won’t be an answer for you?”

“You’re not wrong.” He smirked as you both headed down the empty hallway and up the stairs. Judging by the sounds and muffled voices, the party seemed to die down as everyone grew sleepy. In a split second, all of his members were in the living room dressed in red checkered pajamas. Even the sleeping Jungkook was changed.

You trailed behind the idol. Once you were brought into the first door to the left of the second floor, you found the same pajamas his members wore. You turned to him, in a surprised but expected expression. “You deadass bought matching pajamas. How’d you know their sizes?”

“I don’t, but it’s pretty easy for men through height.” He pointed out. “But you’re one of the few ladies inside the house so it’s pretty limited.”

You grabbed the folded clothes off the neat bed, checking it out. “I’m sure this is fine then. Thanks.”

“You’re lucky with this guest bedroom. You have your own bathroom in this. When I bought this house, I didn’t even know until Jimin pointed it out.” Taehyung leaned into the doorframe, crossing his arms. “This is Jimin’s unofficial room.”

You chuckled at his same-aged member. “So I guess I’ll change and head down to the living room?”

“No, you’re staying here.”

A formed morphed on your lips. “What, why?”

“There are so many men down there. I’m not putting you out there.”

You eyed Taehyung speechlessly. Sure, it was transparent that he was protective over you, but you didn’t think to this extent. At least not now, which made you question it densely.

“You have a nice spacious room to yourself, ___. Don’t give it up to sleep on a couch or floor with some…men.” He gagged at the emphasis of the word. Did he not realize that these were his friends he talked about?

“Fine, it’s your house anyway.” You gave in as you unfolded the sleepwear.

“There’s a new toothbrush for you to use as well as some makeup remover and cleanser. Make sure you lock the door. Jimin might notice something’s up.” Taehyung provided and you hummed in response.

“Thank you again. I’m actually very tired, it’s been a long day.” You were grateful for all his doings tonight. 

“Don’t overwork yourself.” He reminded strictly, making you roll your eyes. “I’m serious, ___. I don’t want to repeat the last time.”

“I’ve been better, I swear.” You promised, sticking out your pinky toward his frame. Your gesture made him grin as he latched onto your small finger with his longer and larger one.

“Keep that promise.” He advised before parting. “If you need anything, just call me or knock on my door. I’ll be here for you.”

“Thank you.” You gave your gratitude once again. “Good night, Taehyung.”

“Sweet dreams, ___.” Sweet dreams, my Blue. He wanted to say so desperately.

Once he left, you changed your clothes. You headed towards the bathroom to wash up. As you brushed your teeth, you reflected on the night. There was a slight shift in this…thing with Taehyung, and it was a good sign you hoped. At the very least, he now was aware of how genuine you wanted to be his friend again. It was only a matter of how much and how long. It really was going to take a while, but it couldn’t be helped. At least on your end. 

You still didn’t trust him, but it was gradually getting there. You and your heart knew. After all—

He was your best friend.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @thvxstf

Generation One - Chapter Seven

River has been found and is now recovering at the hospital, however, Ichiban now owes a favor to his father and must return home to pay off his debts. How will River cope with the trauma of what has recently happened to her along with the disappearance of her boyfriend?

A few days before River was allowed to leave the hospital, Bee surprised her by telling her that they were going to be staying with her grandparents for a while.

"I just can't be near that house right now..." her mom had said. River told her and the police that she'd been kidnapped right in their front yard and ever since then her mom had been wary of being around the place herself, let alone letting her daughters go anywhere near the house or yard on their own.

"At least mom and dad live close to your school. One of them can even come pick you up when you're done with classes."

"Mom! By the time I'm outta here I'll only have summer school. And how are you going to feel when I go off on my own to college?" River knew that she would struggle with her own fears and trauma due to what happened to her, but she was trying to look at the situation realistically. She was going to be leaving home soon.

Very soon.

"I'll think about that when it happens."

River looked down at the envelope and realized the handwriting was Ichiban's. Her face turned red and she clutched the envelope to her chest.

She didn't feel like reading it right then in front of her mom, so she stowed it away in the bag of things that was brought from home.

A few days later, it was time for River to leave the hospital...

River was going to have to have sessions with a psychiatrist for a while. She'd never been to therapy before, so she wondered what that would be like.

But for now she wasn't going to worry about it. She was finally getting out of the hospital!

Home of course, was someplace different for a while, maybe forever...

Her mom's parents Greta and Garrett lived in a huge house in Copperdale, only a few blocks down from her school. It wouldn't be her school much longer, but her mom was right. Being closer would be safer.

Her grandpa was once a pilot and grandma was a commercial actress, hence all the money for the giant house.

Because the two of them were always busy, Bee never had much of a relationship with them. When she was young, she ran away with River's dad, a decision that Greta and Garrett told her was a mistake.

While River and eventually Mercy came from the union, not much else did. River's dad ran out on the family shortly after Mercy was born, but not once did Bee go crawling back to her parents.

This time, it was different...

It was hard staying positive while surrounded by so many strange things. River's room had been decorated by her grandma before her arrival, which was sweet and all, but everything felt so foreign. Before she would have cursed the hodge-podge of yard sale furniture and crappy thrift store finds in her old room, but now she wanted it more than ever.

She felt so out of place here.

Even worse was how her sister kept avoiding her and treating her like she had some kind of disease. When she was in the hospital, Mercy seemed concerned, but ever since she got out, things between the two of them were more tense than they'd ever been.

Bad vibes? River wondered. Where did she learn that phrase? Doesn't she understand what I've been through?

Of course she didn't, and hopefully never would, but it still hurt that Mercy was being so cruel.

One saving grace about the house and the situation, was that Grandma Greta had turned her husband's "man cave" in the basement that he no longer used, into a cool hangout for River.

"Just in case you want to get away from it all." She'd said.

A few nights after River had settled into the house, she decided to pull out the letter that her mom had given her in the hospital.

The letter from Ichiban.

So, the rumors among her classmates had been true all along. Ichiban was from one of those Mt. Komorebi crime families. Even with the promise of seeing each other again in the future, how could he be so sure? What if he ended up in prison, or worse?

She wanted to scream to the high heavens about everything. She didn't even know how to describe how she was feeling, but it all hurt so damn bad.

Thankfully, she had her first counseling session was coming up. Hopefully this doctor would help her get her mind straight again.

Where have we been and what's goin on

Sup yall. Laurance here. I'm super sorry for the inactivity here. This post will explain what's going on and give you all a catch up!!

I specifically have been a lot more active on my main lately (as in just spam rbing spop posts) compared to anywhere else. In fact, none of us have been on tumblr really. Barely, if not rarely now. I miss yall but being too busy or tired to go on tumblr has rlly made me realize just how much the drama on hermitblr was draining my energy and general enjoyment for anything. And even though I started getting better mentally, most of my headmates have gone AWOL at the worst time possible and I, the host, am frankly not coping lol.

Since December my mum has been in and out of hospital. The stays becoming longer and longer. Her condition getting worse. Abt 3 weeks ago (she only got like a week at home before being called back into the hospital since 3 weeks ago), she had brain toxicity from liver problems and lost memory of everything in terms of physical function and also a bit of memory loss. With level 3 going on at the time I was the designated visitor for her. That meant I was constantly going back and forth from the hospital helping mum regain how to do basic things, to being in class on teams, to taking care of my younger sister and doing housework.

And we have a family meeting in about 8 hours with her doctors (she has a team of like 8 doctors running around at this point LOL). Which involves discussing how things will be moving forward. Mum needs a liver transplant. The only place nearby is the other end of the north island; aka Auckland.

And I cant go with her. I will be taking care of my younger sister alone. Without my grandparents to help as they'll be going up north with mum (unless I manage to get word in with the docs and at the meeting etc).

But yeah. My life has been put on fucking 2x speed atm, and I'm mentally not doing well because of it (I have help though!! Dw). Being on here makes it worse atm, and so we wont be on at all, for who knows how long. (Unless we have times of peace where we can hop on for a couple minutes).

We miss you all so much. I especially miss a lot of you. I'm lucky enough to have professional support as well as the false fam's support (seriously yall dont give False enough love or support in terms of content. She cares so much about her fans and its bloody insane).

Hopefully I'll be active sooner than later, but it might be a weak glow of hope.

Stay safe yall and love you guys!!

Heres a couple of drawings :3

James & Ava

James: [okay so we all know the mood is that he sees whatever she's posted and literally goes there immediately with no thought of who else could also be cos he NEEDS to check that she's alright. The drama of it all] Ava: [but luckily no one is there and she'd be so shocked but also grateful 'cos no one wants to be alone and feeling unwell, esp. not in hospital] James: [when he'd have to say he was her brother so he can take her #awkward] Ava: [lollol finding that more amusing than you would otherwise 'cos concussion breaking your awks] James: [oh she'd be so cute I can't] Ava: [just hugging him so hard] James: [we all need that moment but sadly it cannot last forever because he'd have some driver doing circles endlessly cos there's nowhere to park at hospitals ever] Ava: [seriously, and it's so expensive] James: [when you were so desperate to get in there you didn't think about how long it could have taken like she could've been admitted and that driver is just lowkey out there for the rest of time] Ava: [lmao i wonder how long he'd wait for that bag before getting bored, luckily they'd low-key be ready to get rid 'cos too busy and overcrowded] James: [practically pushing her out the door as soon as they saw someone show up for her so he doesn't even have time to give her a feelsy speech lol] James: [just help her out to the car boy, you've had a lot of practice with drunk girls in heels and it'd be the same vibe] Ava: [just saying thank you over and over] James: [meanwhile he's asking her if she's okay over and over like every step they trying to take here] Ava: ['Oh God, you must think I'm so stupid, I swear, they came out of nowhere'] James: ['We both know you're not stupid, Ava' shout out to that text cleverness 5ever tbh 'I'm just glad you weren't seriously hurt'] Ava: ['How have you been, I've been so worried' shoutout to this concussion giving me shameless freedom lol] James: [when you can only shake your head because 1. you ain't been good 2. you don't wanna tell her any of it and 3. you don't think you deserve her worry/ want her to worry about you] Ava: [sad face] James: [stopping to stroke said face, don't fall over girl, he's got you] Ava: ['James-' and then just looking 'cos what can you say] James: [looking back at her cos likewise but then you gotta drop them eyes cos so sad] Ava: ['you look tired' and making more of an actual effort to get into this car] James: ['I am tired' but helping her in and doing her seatbelt for her because not gonna see her struggle ever, telling the driver her address because there's nowhere else you can take her but home even though you have no idea if as soon as you get there someone is gonna show up for her and you obviously don't want that] Ava: [patting your shoulder like 'you can come sleep' like no no one can babe] James: ['no' but a little smile cos she's cute af 'I'm supposed to keep you awake'] Ava: [when you make a face like 😏] James: ['by which, of course, I mean, you've got a 8 hour date with Edward Cullen ahead of you'] Ava: [grinning like a fool but then being like, wait 'you'll stay though, can you?'] James: ['I'm not going to leave you alone' oh the heavy unspoken implication that she might not be if the friends or fam descend 💔] Ava: [resting your head on him as a silent thank you but then lifting it like 'so awake, promise'[ James: [stroking her hair and keeping an eye like] Ava: [being like let me tell YOU a story and honestly God knows but it'd be cute and she'd be trying to match his storyteller energy] James: [when that's lowkey the moment he falls in love with her bye] Ava: [asking the driver to play the new moon soundtrack] James: [loling and honestly when was the last time he did that, we all know it was when they were together] Ava: [live the emo life and love it babes] James: [he's GOTTA dance in his seat to keep her awake, no other reason #notanerd lol] Ava: [just clapping and cheering him on like nothing to see here driver God bless] James: [so not what that man was expecting to 👀 or 👂] Ava: [freaking out drivers is low-key a fave] James: [the one time you're happy about London traffic tbh] Ava: [even though we ain't gonna interrupt, you don't know that boy] James: [speaking of, probably send a text or something to check on the kids because you just ran like assumedly they at their grandparents but] Ava: [never leaving 'em with Chlo we all know] James: [lord her and Jay would kill each other] Ava: [I'd genuinely be worried for her safety so don't blame you remotely boy, least her parents are invested] James: [literally though & you can have those grandparents forever babs we ain't taking them away from you] Ava: [awkward that your mum never shows but that's just that on that] James: [lbr that's for the best stick with your dads kiddos] Ava: [we all know it, even if Matty might not end up remembering much] James: [Ava lowkey her mum now oops] Ava: [and Jay's actual auntie...lol what a tangled web we weave boo] James: [at least they can all stay connected] Ava: [true facts] James: [makes my heart happy even if it's weird] Ava: [lean in to how weird this family is James] James: [they weird af but they're better than the one he's got #noshadetoTeddythough] Ava: [all the shade to you Chlo, sort it out] James: [her poor future children & husband] Ava: [honestly, good luck] James: [he'd have to be about everything she is or else what the fuck] James: [anyway we've been sidetracked get to Baze's house you two] Ava: [movie marathon awaits, what else do we vibe or shall we just try and see what comes out, like] James: [let's just run with it and see what happens because we extra and anything could be said and done tbh] James: [imagine how awkward it'd be when they get there because he'd have to send her in first and just be shitting himself in the car like is anyone there or no] Ava: [at least you know full well no one is there 'cos business trips forever so you're just at the door shaking your head and doing the 'come on' gesture] James: [he'd just help her to the sofa like immediately & get her blankets and pillows and painkillers (even though it wouldn't touch a concussion headache) and a phone charger and everything else she could possibly need cos Chloe's got him trained like a dog] Ava: [low-key pulling at him, gently, like boy sit down] James: [when you are then looking at her like what did I forget/ do wrong before you realise] Ava: [squeezing his hand because you can only say thank you so many times, putting the film on but then pausing and gasping so dramatically 'coffee, I promised you coffee' and going to get up like can you be careful please] James: [thinking she's in pain or something because of that gasp so being at her side like 0-1000 and slowing her down cos they can do it together thank you] Ava: [making a face at herself like ffs when she catches on 'I'm not trying to age you' and touching his non-grey hair and wrinkles like totally necessary yep] James: ['but you're offering me coffee, what's next red meat or red wine?' but no actual shade cos we both know he doesn't care and none of that is what's aging him anyway, taking her hand from his face and gently kissing said hand before handholding to lead her to her own kitchen like let's do this] Ava: ['I don't know where my cigarettes are' shrugs and smiles like sorry not sorry, smiles even harder but lowkey stops breathing when, kissing ontop of where he just kissed her hand, then getting to this all-singing all-dancing coffee machine 'you have to pick the most daring option, one you've never, ever tried before, okay?' and waggling her finger like so serious about this] James: [takes his own cigarettes out of his pocket and slides the pack over to her 'okay' and does pick, really concentrating on the decision even though there'd be so much shit he hasn't tried and we all know he could just pick option 1 and be done] Ava: [takes one out and puts it behind her ear for later 'cos no need to light up in your parents home, just watching him 'cos so cute and then nodding like yes, good choice and picks the same, setting up this machine 'cos they're always more confusing and/or time-consuming than they need to be I swear] James: [where's the lie you gotta have the knack I swear, his turn to watch her now though because she's beautiful doing anything ever and he missed her so bad] Ava: [ahh coffee goodtimes forever] James: [he needs it cos he is tired af so thanks Ava you babe] Ava: ['do we talk about what happened, or do we write it off?' when you just saying this casually whilst waiting for your coffees] James: ['I don't know' because he is genuinely torn between wanting to and also not] Ava: ['Wait and see how we feel' 'cos no rush or pressure here 'you better carry these though' 'cos we don't need burns as well ty] James: ['wait here a minute for me' because carries the drinks through and then comes back for her because why not carry her though as well obvs] Ava: [does and loves it 'I've missed you, you know'] James: ['I know now' just giving her 😍 casually 'I've missed you too'] Ava: [😍 right back 'Ask anyone' when you're talking about your mood but you realize that sounds like you been telling the world lol 'I mean, I've been a delight' 🙄] James: [when you shake your head like no it's okay 'I overreacted about your cousin, I'm sorry' takes a deep breath remembering that whole sad ending moment 'And I'm sorry for fucking up the start of your summer' because she loves it and he knows] Ava: ['I understand why, understood, whatever. And I am still sorry, I was just too excited and-' sighs like, you know, squeezing his hand again 'I promise, that's all sorted now though' 'cos clearly told her it's over by now, 'cos thought it was anyway; she nods like thanks but shrugs like it's okay too, don't worry 'Sure even I can't be grumpy in the Seychelles, like'] James: [blatantly almost kissing her because he understands the whole being too highkey thing because he was (*cough* is) too but doesn't because she's going away 'when are you going?'] Ava: [sad face like you didn't just say you aren't gonna be grumpy 'when my parents get back, couple of days'] James: [strokes her face again like he did earlier 'you'll feel better by then' because someone's meant to watch you for 48 hours actually NHS website says] Ava: [😈 me 😇 her looking at him 'how did you even- why- I-' continuously cutting herself off 'cos you know he was checking in on you now and you know he came without hesitating so it doesn't need to be said 'Oh, James'] James: ['Ava' saying her name with SO MUCH feeling that I cannot 'I had to' when you mean so many things by that like you had to go but you have to stay now and you had to make sure she was okay today but also you had to keep checking on her the whole time] Ava: [definitely gonna go in to kiss him can't stop that soz] James: [we all know it was only a matter of time and that this is gonna turn into a not at all casual make out session] Ava: [you honestly deserve it lads] James: [that coffee gonna be cold and they won't even notice] Ava: [the movies are also not being watched lmao but no one cares rn] James: [on pause forever sorry not sorry] James: [but eventually like after AN AGE one of them should lean on the remote or whatever so it starts playing and they're like wtf] Ava: [when you shit yourself like who is here but then loving 'cos hi Edward] James: [we all shitting ourselves and all loling] Ava: ['he's very possessive' no lie] James: [looking at Edward and then kissing her again like when you're trying to make someone jealous] Ava: [when you're loling too hard into his mouth like 'scuse me] James: [kissing her neck instead so she can have her adorable lol] Ava: [reacting to that in a v different way] James: [we back at it again at krispy kreme soz twilight saga] Ava: [i swear to god the ily curse is so real] James: [this always happens to us, don't talk for a bit lads, wink wonk] Ava: [its because we give them such high-pressure situations but yes, you should fully hook up 'cos haven't yet] James: [I wonder if the orgasm headache thing would work for a concussion one or not] Ava: [my boo says #experiment] James: [imma google it but I don't expect an answer] James: [nobody is telling me but if it can help a migraine I don't see why it wouldn't] Ava: [you'll be fine bitch, just a shameless excuse that he needs to hang around longer] James: [we should totally also do the shameless thing when he falls asleep and then wakes up immediately but is like oh no how long was I asleep because not only worried about her we know] Ava: [for sure, just there chilling like 🥰 'not long, but you looked peaceful'] James: ['I was' and more 😍 'I am' just snuggling happily because deserved af] Ava: [kissing the top of his head 'good' then lying down and snuggling harder 'I'm so glad you're here, that you're okay'] James: ['I'm glad that I'm here & that you're okay' kissing her forehead and holding her so tightly because he was so worried that something much worse had happened to her] Ava: ['It was kinda scary how much I missed you- like I said I WAS extra but I think, no, I still am, I can't lie to you'[ James: [when you are just falling so hard for her rn smiling like look at this perfect 😇 'you don't have to miss me any longer, minus however long you're spending in the Seychelles, of course'] Ava: ['Yeah?' trying but failing not to sound so hopeful 'And two weeks, so not as long as it has been, not that I was definitely counting or anything'] James: ['I was afraid, no, I am afraid but very few things have ever scared me as much as when I saw you were in hospital & I thought-'] Ava: [just holding him back even tighter like you could not be closer 'I'm so sorry I scared you, I won't ever do it again, even if I get hit by something more substantial than a 90lbs mum on a lightweight bike' and shaking her head with a lil lol 'cos it is funny even though it can be as bad as a car crash actual sometimes] James: ['You scare me in the best ways, you don't have to stop, I don't want you to' because think of the new things he's already done and the new things he's already felt, it makes me emosh goodbye] Ava: [when that's the hottest thing you've ever heard like 'scuse me round two] James: [you've actually got all night for once so make the most of it lads] Ava: [like literally no one needs it more than him so I'm allowing it, there's enough shit happened, happening and still to come] James: [amen to that] Ava: [happy bubble forever] James: [if only like, he is NOT gonna wanna leave in the morning but maybe we could say that like Jay has a playdate with friends or something cos soz babe you can't keep a secret so he just gets the baby and comes back] Ava: [that would be a moment] James: [just casually meet each other how cute] Ava: [have a normal, happy day like you're meant to oh] James: [you all deserve it truly] Ava: [meet your potential future stepchild babe] James: [do we wanna have them go out or stay in?] Ava: [🤔 obvs really want them to go to Kensington Park 'cos Peter Pan and like obvs I doubt anyone who would be bothered to report to Chloe is gonna be there but it is risky so maybe save it idk] James: [we will bookmark that for the future because MUST but they could take Frank on a walk somewhere cos we ain't referenced that sweet sir even if it's just through the streets like] Ava: [that's a good shout, you better be a good boy lol] James: [and don't cockblock them rn please] James: [they'd look like a little fam, I am FINE] Ava: [and lowkey behave more like one in one day like the bar is so low tah Chlo] James: [the scolding tea] James: how are you feeling? Ava: 😊 So happy Ava: Only a bit tired from the whole staying awake thing and you keeping me awake, like 😏 Ava: oh, and Frank said you've redeemed yourself so well done there too Ava: how're you and the girls? James: I'm happy to hear all of that James: has your dizziness gone? James: we're fine, but tired too Ava: Yeah Ava: barely a headache Ava: and my parents get in early AM so I should be all set to go when they do get here James: how much packing is there left to do? Ava: All of it but deciding which 14 bikinis I wanna take shouldn't take too long James: are you sure? I think it would take me a really long time to decide Ava: I'll put some stories up Ava: You can help me Ava: I reckon I need your clearly more considered opinion James: of course you do James: you wouldn't want to spend the entirety of your holiday wishing you'd chosen differently Ava: so true Ava: especially as I'm not allowed to pack my pout James: everyone is well aware of how important the pursuit of a tan is to you, darling, anything that jeopardises that, well, it's bound to be very pout inducing James: you'll be forgiven Ava: I don't know if my family is as forgiving as you Ava: perhaps they don't like my pout as much Ava: they definitely aren't as supportive in bikini related decision making James: I'll dedicate paragraphs to both James: multiple lengthy ones Ava: It'll seem gratuitous in the movie but nothing is too much for the book James: as long as it remains included in the director's cut James: or else I will be devastated Ava: I'll demand it in my contract Ava: I think it'll be a first in favour of taking your clothes off instead of keeping 'em on James: thank you James: you do deserve a multitude of firsts, honestly Ava: you deserve so much Ava: much more than I'm allowed to give you Ava: that reminds me Ava: as I can't give you anything as a thank you, I've had to get creative James: so much of what I deserve is negative & there is nothing you owe to me in any capacity, thanks included James: but I'd never want to discourage creativity Ava: Shh sh Ava: in the spirit of firsts and trying new things Ava: when you're all less worn out, go to [a sassy but kid-friendly cafe/restaurant that's a bit out there and exotic and definitely nowhere Chloe has ever made you take her] and tell 'em you're eating on me, yeah Ava: then when I get back and you're free, you're coming over and I'm cooking James: Ava Ava: It's already arranged, I go there all the time, it's the 2nd best Brazilian food I've had James: you've been to Brazil for the 1st, haven't you? I can tell Ava: Actually no, mores the pity Ava: but my Uncle is Brazilian and a chef, my cousin too Ava: having a big weird family has unexpected perks Ava: if you like it, I already have a recipe lined up that's meant to be 🔥 but even a novice like me can master it James: you'll have to wait patiently for my review because I regrettably can't send you a picture of my face after the 1st mouthful to serve as one, but okay Ava: I'll do my best Ava: though having any patience when it comes to you doesn't seem to be my strong suit Ava: arguably not a virtue I'm known for, ever, but especially now James: I'll do my best not to miss you so hard that it's physically painful but that doesn't appear to be my strong suit either & as previously agreed, I won't make any promises I'm forced to immediately break Ava: Oh Ava: Knowing it wasn't just me finding out that painful cliche is painfully real is somehow a comfort, to know you'll want to avoid the feeling as much as I do from now on but it also hurts me even more, the idea of you having to feel it at all in the first place Ava: but there is no conflict in just how hard I'm looking forward to seeing you again after this ill-timed holiday James: I don't ever want you to be in pain because of me, I have to insist on only the good cliches going forward James: devastatingly a postcard can't be included in that Ava: Hmm, got any long-lost great aunties I can pretend to be? 🤔😂 James: If I do my wife is bound to be aware of them, their current financial situation & any possible health concerns they are facing Ava: Valid Ava: Don't need to give her any more reason to 💀💀💀 me Ava: At least no holiday is complete without the obligatory narcissistic poolside shoot James: suffice to say I've never had a complete holiday, in that case Ava: I bet you've had to be cameraman plenty though Ava: so rude when you're so nice to look at James: & yet I've never been trusted to pick a filter Ava: 🙄 Ava: does she not know that you're an artiste James: no, it's our secret Ava: 😊 I like that James: I like you Ava: I like that more James: I wish I could see you again before you go Ava: Me too Ava: I kinda wish I weren't going James: how early are your parents getting back exactly? Ava: like 4am kinda early James: I won't make you stay awake again James: I know how tired you must be Ava: 🥺 James: I'm so relieved that I can't see that look on your actual face Ava: It's 💔 Ava: but I'll survive Ava: about James: you're a very strong person Ava: You James: I'm not Ava: You are though Ava: you put up with so much shit James: is that strength or is it weakness? Ava: I think it's strength Ava: You can't necessarily stop shit happening or get shit out of your life Ava: no matter how strong Ava: and you manage to do all the shit you have to regardless James: I'd like to think you're right Ava: Then you should Ava: I encourage it Ava: 🤓 me James: you are undeniably clever Ava: Try to be Ava: when I'm not standing in the middle of cycle paths, obviously James: I heard you say that bike came out of nowhere Ava: Yeah Ava: I miss you already Ava: Frank is not as good a nurse, like at all James: if you can fall asleep now, I'd feel less guilty about the prospect of asking you not to later James: should I hypothetically be able to get away Ava: 🛌🏃 Ava: Promise James: I can't give you a promise back Ava: I know Ava: but this way, I either stay asleep and that's that Ava: or I get the best surprise to wake me up James: what did I do to deserve you? Ava: This is the part where I say something very bad but Ava: you don't seem capable Ava: you're just James: whatever it was, I need to know so I can keep doing it Ava: just be you Ava: another cliche you've proven to be true and real James: this fortnight without you is going to be really cliche James: there's no chance of it existing beyond the 1st draft Ava: not even for my eyes only? James: well James: maybe Ava: Please please please James: okay James: you are my fairest critic & you do have beautiful eyes Ava: Yours are better Ava: but I won't be too jealous if I get to look at them more James: I definitely can't promise not to be envious of everyone in the Seychelles who will get to look at you more than I can Ava: Do you ever get a decent lunchbreak? Ava: we could facetime James: I'll figure something out James: because my dad takes the longest lunch breaks, you'd be forgiven for thinking it's the 80s Ava: 😏 we love a throwback 🙄 James: I'll take Matty to work with me, she'll distract whoever I need her to Ava: She is very cute Ava: I see it James: I won't be saying anything the like of that if she won't sleep tonight though Ava: 🤞 for you and her Ava: shame she's not yet at the walking stage Ava: Frank is so 💤 James: I can't keep her in any kind of routine, it's frustrating for both of us Ava: That's hard James: it's harder for her than it is for me, she never knows what's happening Ava: She'll get there Ava: I was the worst baby Ava: hopefully before you totally lose your mind, 'course James: I find it impossible to believe you weren't 😇 Ava: I was pretty premmie so my poor parents were confined to perpetual bright light for ages when I got home James: both the girls were so late James: that was an entirely different struggle Ava: I can imagine how delightful Ava: usually excusable but when you set the bar low to begin with 😬 James: the last thing I want to do is badmouth her to you, but as we know, sometimes things write themselves Ava: I feel you Ava: not a cliche I particularly wanna be either James: of course not Ava: but you can vent, you know Ava: I don't even have to reply, just if you need to put it somewhere James: no, I can't Ava: okay, just a suggestion James: so much of this is already not fair to you, Ava Ava: I don't think it is Ava: you've never lied about any of it, you're always realistic about what you can and can't give me Ava: and I'd like to help, in any tiny way I'm able James: you don't know what she's like & I'd rather you didn't have to know James: let's keep it at you don't do sympathy Ava: I know very little but that's not positive so it doesn't take your author level of imagination if I wanna go there without your guidance Ava: and it isn't sympathy but okay Ava: I won't mention her and you don't have to either James: I just can't have you seeing me differently because Ava: I'd never see you differently because of what she's like as a person James: it's too big of a risk for me to take, that you'll end up thinking less of me than you do now Ava: You can trust me Ava: but you don't have to Ava: I won't push anything, I don't need to Ava: as much as I want to take things fast in so many respects, I'm never going to take it where you don't want it James: it isn't you I don't trust James: I'm not a reliable narrator, she's made sure I'm not Ava: However...intertwined and diluted you feel your story got, because of her, because of whatever Ava: it's always gonna be your story to tell, if you want it Ava: and I'll always listen to how you tell it James: Ava Ava: James James: if it was a story I was in control of I'd come to the airport & tell you not to go James: cliche or not Ava: and I'd stay Ava: but that's far too much like a happy ending and we've only just begun James: you're right again Ava: don't sound so surprised 😉 James: I was actually trying to decide where it falls on the scale of ideas & habits, good, bad or somewhere in between James: that you always seem to be Ava: Have you drawn a conclusion yet? James: I couldn't possibly tell you James: you're supposed to be asleep Ava: damn Ava: you'll tell me in the morning? James: yes Ava: Okay, I'll go, as long as you know it is so reluctantly it's practically under protest James: & I won't stay here hoping you don't, as long as you know it's under identical conditions Ava: Noted Ava: Goodnight and sweet dreams for whenever that happens for you then, love James: thank you

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!