#and now i fucking cant. as usual </3
Text
gonna scream
#d speaks#why wouldnt brother tell me how much it FUCKING costs for his t-shot earlier#more importantly why do i have to pay for the entirety of it did he not set ANY of this months pay aside for it#i am. trying to get ahead. and he wont FUCKING let me.#im already covering everything else. rent food bills.#like i literally have maybe 40 spare bucks outside what he needs to get groceries/transport for. yknow. my job. for over a week.#he said he'll reschedule but fat fucking chance bc he refuses to be awake at a time that places are open.#and besides even if he pushes it back a week i still dont know when pays going through bc the first is a saturday#and the following week is riddled with holiday shit on top of my bank taking a million years to process#so i dont know whats going to happen!#i wanted to be able to fix the shower. i wanted to pay friend back. i wanted to do something nice for me over my short break#and now i fucking cant. as usual </3
1 note
·
View note
Text
cant sleep … plagued with thoughts.. overstimmed… also starving… time to scroll tumblr till i have to go to class :,((
#my thoughts#i slept like 3 hours but my roommate kept moving and it bothered me where every movement made me irrationally angry#and i keep waking up and having immediate brainrot lfjkfnfjnf so its fun but also not bc im literally SO drained pleasssseee shut up brain#like baby i have a presentation tomorrow at 8:30AM and i have to do a whole reflection paper#go to fucking sleeeeeeep#and the worst part is i FORGOT to eat . before bed . cuz i was too tired and said fuck it ill eat in the morn#which is horrible bc now im like. starving and gross bc i also didnt do anything i kinda just collapsed JFKDNDKDN#but i dont wanna get up. because. um. four am and i dont wannnnaaa eat.i waanaa eat in the morning#so ive just been holding stan bunny close and thinking thoughts while actively trying to sleep JFKDNFKDJD#anyways. Im a functioning human person!#: D !#GggfrRRRAGGhggh#so annoying bc i usually can sleep on command like its nothing lmfao#but i have too many things on my frickin mind i cant shut it up pensive#anyways THIS IS A LONG TAG THING NSJFJDKFJD UHHHHH runs away#DELETE LATER????
26 notes
·
View notes
Text
since i already posted my interpretations of sydney and kylar might as well add whitney too. i always imagined him with shitty bleached hair and a buncha piercings so......
#hes a natural blonde but box-dye bleaches it lighter. thats my personal headcanon.#i didnt really know where to go with his hairstyle so now its whatever the fuck this is. just a buncha lines#u cant rlly tell bc colors are weird but i gave him yellowish teeth. or at least tried. ill do better next time.#I'm not used to working with realistic colors okay i usually do full saturation forever and always#whitney the bully#degrees of lewdity#dol whitney#hes a whiteass brit im sorry guys <\3
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn
#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem#& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss#and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified#whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing#but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard#(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this#like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp#and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life#and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM#THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER#SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME#but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself#and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it#like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe#that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love#or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness#otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc#and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway#like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done#('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me#and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response#AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT#like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart#ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum#but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism#taob updates
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
IM PISSED WHAT THE FUCK
#personal#😭😭😭😭😭😭#bro this was 3 bucks from a garage sale like 8 years ago and its such nice stone im crying#rolled right off the counter and shattered 😭😭🥺#im in the middle of making mushroom power wtf am i supposed to do now? i cant afford a new pestle#and i dont even know if i could buy just the pestle#im so sad. today alredy sucks ive been having a chore morning bc i have house inspection tomorrow despite wanting bedrot time#depressi very bad time for chores to be done but they have to and im exhausted already and now my best and only pestle cracks im#im done fuck it the agent can fucking deal with an unmopped floor fuck this entire fucking day#im not a stone expert but i think its granite. can i ise superglue on granite#not that i have superglue either but i usually do with my groceries#google seems to say yes i can use superglue in granite only for the fact it has multple posts about wanting to remove it#ugh for fucks sake man. im as shattered as that thing is 🥺
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i finally handed in my final papers im so relieved 😭😭😭😭 now all i gotta do is make a whole zine by friday and im done for the semester but thats like fun so im not too worried
#my paper was actual garbage but its something so i wont get a zero you know#very much at that point where i just am accepting that im not going to get the grades i will be happy with#because i cant afford to go through the stress that would require again so i cant push myself#ive even been taking all of my meds for like a month now#which is actually really major for me i have really dreadful med compliance and its very not good for me#its just one of those vicious cycles where i stop taking them for whatever reason usually cuz im in distress (counter productive i know)#but then i feel worse because i really should be on them so then im even less motivated to take them because brains are dumb#anywaaaaaays#sorry for the rant#wasnt expecting that#take ur meds everyone#oh fuck lol that reminds me i have to take my heart meds now lol#:3
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
homestuck fans when theres no rhyme or reason to the trickster designs and its literally just a jumbled mess of hideous colors and vague candy themes which means theres no consistency to analyze to help with making fan designs
#now imagine if you will a very distraught face. because i cant be bothered adding an image#ANYWAYSSSSSSS i wanted 2 try making one but god its just so hard bc theres so many fucking colors and i suck at coloring anyway#i tried analyzing them to the best of my abilities to see if there was any consistency i could go off of......... but no theres Nothing#the only thing is that their cheek swirls are the same color as their pestechum colors. and thats it#even the outfits are different it seems to be slightly altered versions of their original outfits?#like roxy was wearing her purple knit dress when she got bonked but it was still her original outfit afterwards#their hair colors dont make sense their shoe colors dont make sense their head ornaments make a LITTLE sense..........#jakes and dirks are the most obvious. pumpkin and orange soda its like their thing i guess#janes being a muffin makes sense cuz crockercorp baker etc etc#roxys makes the least sense...... i dont think there was ever any mention of cotton candy for her aside from when caliborn wanted his weird#smut to be color coordinated for whatever reason#whenever i make otufits its usually just varying shades of the same 3 or so colors so trickster designs are a nightmare#even my old trickster mode trollsona was like. 3 colors total LOL#not to mention i wanted to make this design for my trollsona. and we only ever saw humans in trickster mode#and looking at older fanart didnt help cuz everyone had decided unanimously that the canon designs sucked ass (they did)#and in the future we should all give each character a food or somthing similar to base the whole design off of (good decision)#blehh. i give up its too much of a pain-_-#anyway. maybe i really am sick i think i need to lay down#already slept literally all day but im still so tired..........#i took painkillers and allergy meds in case of cat hair on bed but i still feel groggy as fuck#well whatever. itll probably go away soon i never really stay sick for long
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
why do i do fuck all for the entire day until the second i can no longer make phone calls because its past business hours and then suddenly i feel like i could call anyone.. if only there were someone there to answer. because. its past business hours.
#usually its a procrastination thing but a solid 70% of it today is just the fact that i didnt get out of bed until 6pm. so.#i am like so fucking hyper rn rhough i need to go Run or something#i have so much shit to do tomorrow because apparntly our trip is THE DAY AFTER and i procrastinated too hard so now we have 1000 tasks <3#but i cant do . most of them. rn#so now i have all this energy and no outlet. i need to be taken to the dog park to run around and play with the other dogs
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
YALL. HOW MUCH TIME DOES IT TAKE TO FUCKING REBLOG BEFFR RN .
#this is not against anyone i am just fueled by self hatred and idk fucking hatred towards fandom behaviour#looooove how ppl have made some fic writers the 'staple' of the byler community#anyone who gets fame DEF deserves it but that doesn't mean u completely ignore fics from other people#this 'Famous Writers TM' thing is so fucking disgusting 2 me#u basically dont broaden ur horizons at all#i get liking certain people'a writing styles but you HAVE to start reading fics by people other than those already famous writers#you HAVE to start supporting writers that aren't that famous#you HAVE to start reading stuff from people whom u dont usually read#this is the reason for much toxicity and resentment towards fic writers who totally DESERVE the fame#its just that sometimes manyy other people deserve fame too.#this isn't even just abt me#its about soooo many other fic writers who r my friends#who get ZERO recognition because YOU'RE busy hyping up people who dont need it#now its not like you CANT hype them up or you SHOULDN'T hype them up#just please TRY to support other fic writers as well <3#stranger things (sara's version)#fandom critical#byler#byler fanfic
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
god that "morning people are an oppressive class" post annoys me in some way i cant. quite. ugh
#toy txt post#it doesnt feel quite right to me...........#maybe im just a Morning Person. lol. lmao even#idk how much that is true vs in high school i felt very much like a morning person bc#i was taking my adderall with coffee and then it would all wear off right at the end of the day and id crash soooo hard and have like.#anxiety attacks every night and just be generally overstimulated and irritable as hell#which is mostly managed now by me trying to be smarter about caffeine consumption (amount + when) and on a lower dose of adderall#but it does feel like a lot of that shit mentioned would be adequately covered by like. being able to take time off work to go to the#doctor etc. idk#im half joking these days when i ID as a morning person but legally none of you are allowed to get up my ass about it🔪#bc of the nocturnal bullshit i pulled on second shift for like 3yrs after everything around me decided to start closing early after the#pandemic hit even tho theyve re lifted every other miniscule precaution they ever enforced#probably bc no one wants to work night shift at the grocery store for like 12$ an hour. fucking offer better pay idiots#god even when i was a package handler working the super inconvenient hours of 3am-like. 9. 10am(inconvenient my ass that was ideal hours.)#the main reasons ppl left for other jobs: hours suck and they got offered better pay. they cant adjust the hours. so they shouldve#increased the pay to retain. and maybe have more structured start and end times that were less up in the air#like all the drivers leave at 9am so if theres anything left on the truck thatll be for tomorrow. since that fuckin happened anyway. idk.#honestly wouldve been more important to me to have consistent start times cos thats one of the things that pissed me off about that job was#like youd go in and before you left youd have to ask what the start time would be tomorrow cos they kept jumping all over the place by like#15min increments and like its once thing to do it on occasion to try to deal with like Bad Weather but it was like fucking Daily#and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard. but sometimes they wouldnt. and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard#and leave it up there forget to erase it and it would still be there but they told you as you walked out actually its not 4:30 tmrrw its 3#idk. i know the main real reason i miss it is cause it was part time and the day ended at like 9am usually
1 note
·
View note
Text
The nicest person in the world is the lady who helped me tie my shoes at 5ish years old so i could go play during recess. (I elaborated in the tags but theyre fairly long,,) -???
#ive already told this story to some people but i love to tell it.#ok so when i was young i only wore velcro shoes bc i couldnt tie laces.#even now i havent learned the proper knot that literally everybody has learned. idk why i just cant commit it to memory but to be fair#i havent tried to learn it in years bc now i learned a different way to tie my shoes which takes longer so everybody is always like why do#you take so long tying your shoes.#but anyway this story is when i was around 5 maybe younger or maybe older but max 7 yrs old.#my mom only bought me velcro shoes since i couldnt learn how to tie my shoes normally and at some point trying to learn made me so#frustrated i just refused to try and cried etc.#so anyway in my old school there was this weird rule ive never seen anywhere else that we had to use other shoes in the class#i guess to avoid dirtying the floors or something.#and one time my mom bought me new shoes with laces and threw my old shoes probably thinking id have to learn it. i didnt lol.#so she tied my shoes in the morning and then i went to school changed shoes and like i had to like. put back my lace shoes on to go outside#for recess. now get that the teacher hated me. not sure why you would hate a child this age. but she was usually mean to me.#so when she saw this issue she was rlly annoyed and told me so and like the first few days she tied my shoes so i could go outside.#and idk after 2 or 3 times she got rlly tired of doing it and said i had to do it by myself. and she just like fucking left and went outside#leaving me alone on the staircase.#and now this building had a 2nd story which was like a house or flat where people lived. and they were totally unrelated to the school afaik#but the lady was always rlly nice. so she happened to be going down to go outside and about her day and she saw me crying by myself on the#staircase and said whats wrong and i told her i cant tie my shoes and she just helped me and consoled me and then i could go.#anyway she was an angel to me.#its hitting me now as i tell this that when i was a child many of the adults around me were really mean#so i really imprinted on nice adults like i thought they were really amazing and the best people ever.#anyway thank you for reading my story!!#lorisys
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
SO fucked up that when u study languages they also make u study architecture history and ant biology and economy and european politics hierarchy so by the end of the semester i still cant tie a proper sentence in any language but sure i can differentiate the neo gothic style from rococo or tell you what a bull market is
#shut up dave#im tired im tired im tired i dont care abt any of this#i mean i do enjoy architecture and art periods. i dont want to be required to know all of them#i have an exam tomorrow and one on sunday and one on wednesday and one on next saturday#then on monday and tuesday and the following saturday and monday too#and frankly. im only confident i can pass 3 maybe 4 of them#for the rest??? idk ill need to study and im very bad at that#but hey we got the grades back from the first exam!! the one i took last week and i got a 9 yippeee#that is out of 10#it was in german interpreting n like. genuinely. im good enough at consecutive interpreting that i dont think theres a way 4 me to fail#like even if i mess it up i cant do THAT bad#i had to do it 4 english today and i think i fucked up sooo big it was so embarrassing. but then we got to the critique of my performance#and. it was all the usual nitpicks? like few word choices#the occasional discordance with adjectival conjugation. few points that 'havent clearly come across'#in my mind i had missed like a whole half of the speech but apparently it was p good still#now the problem is. same prof who teaches that subject also teaches specialized languages#and im. very bad at that one for simple reason that i have not processed any information all year#um maybe next time dont make your class about the stock market? idk just a suggestion. i dont care for wallstreet or whatever.#tho to b fair i didnt care for the european parliament last year either so ig u just cant win me on those terms#but if we get to specializing on the judiciary field i think i wouldnt be able to keep ignoring it. because of the circumstances#i have two more shirt designs to finish before the month ends but as u can see school wants me dead at the same time#one of said designs is a full 7 character thing :/#and the other. well ive already made 3 thumbnails for it and nothing rly clicks the way i want it to
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
just had one of the worst cries of my life i think
#going out soon but idk im just so full of anxiety n everything sucks#ive been throwing up since like 3am too bc im so anxious#like i fucked up last night and it hasnt left my mind#n then i have to join a discord and get interviewed and play a game that i find terrifying bc itll make him happy (first world problems ik)#and now i have to go out to lunch today#which would be great but !!#my jeans are a tiny bit tighter than they usually are which means i gained weight !!!! i havent eaten today so its not bloating !!!#and then i went into the bathroom to look at myself and i saw how bad my eyebags are so i went to put on makeup#but i looked fucking stupid so i took it off and now im just sitting here kinda bawling over how ugly i am#i fucking hate it !! im so disgusting#im so tired i just want to kms and cut#how am i meant to talk to him when i cant stop crying and how am i meant to go outside like this#like im never gonna post my face here but u guys rlly dont know how gross i look#god im gonna meet him in like 4 months dude i fucking cant hes gonna find me so repulsive im going to cry#wtf do i do im so fucked nothing is going to save me#hes just gonna spend like 3 days with me probably fuck me and then just leave me i fucking know it#its so over man its so fucking over someone just run me over with a car#jamie.txt
1 note
·
View note
Text
hi. i hate it when im more anxious than usually. makes me act irrationally and more impulsively. and i cant quite control it. meds dont really help in those situation. and i make my friends feel bad with my aggressive behavior. at least, i think i do. i have llived with my enxiety my entire life and while, yeah, i cant regulate it, and yeah, it''s the only thing that consistently ruins my life, the only moment i resent it more than ever is when it becomes a burden for my friends to bear as well, when i place that burden upon them because of my anxiety. they dont deserve this, no one does and i hate it, i hate that they have to deal with that and that they keep dealing with it, not giving up on me as any sensible person would've. i love them so much, i hate making them feel bad or whatever.
#and why is it im more anxious than usually?#driving test incoming. and 3 lessons remaining#driving test is in like a week from now and im so fucking anxious#i wanna get that thing first try#so i dont have to pay more money to go through the test again (it's quite pricey for my standards)#my parents have given me so much money to get that#i cant fail them. i cant fail myself. i need to get it first try#and yes. im good. very good according to my teacher#but things are very very different. the testing method is questionable too#meaning. that being good isnt enough#oof
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
just had a very exciting past few minutes. played a lovely game of "oh my fucking god theres a dead rat in my desk thats flies thats FLIES" and its wonderful sequel of "how much womens shaving cream does it take to drown the three gigantic spiders i just found eating the flies"
#the answer is about 3/4 of a can#the rat is disposed the spiders are drowned and i just. im about to fucking freak out i mean it#theres nothing that causes me more panic than the idea of bugs on me or near me#and i just.#i swear im not a violent person and usually im all for catch and release#but i cant deal with that. i couldnt deal with that#im shaky and paranoid and literally every motion. every hair-trigger. is a bug trying to get into my skin#im so freaked out right now. might read some fic. play dragonvale. drink.
2 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
leksawantmore-blog
♡ ♡ ♡
deadinside92
Nobody
largando
Untitled
lilystravelblogs
summer in amsterdam
facingherfears
Its Meee