#and my therapist actually encouraged me to practice run stuff i wanna talk about in sessions because That Makes It Easier To Talk About
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ive seen ppl saying smth in the wider plagiarism discussion to the tune of "don't worry anxious people, it's impossible to accidentally plagiarize!" and i feel like that lacks a lot of nuance that anxious brains like mine latch on to to just dismiss the possibility outright, as well as a lack of life experiences fueling it.
it is possible to "accidentally plagiarize" in that you can read something, forget about it, then a while later have your brain spit the ideas back out without telling where it got them. so of course you just assume they're yours and share them as such, because That's Where Most Of The Thoughts In Your Head Come From! and it both is and isn't plagiarism, you weren't /intending/ to pass someone's else's work off as your own, i'd even say in a way you were just as much a victim of misinformation as your audience. but you very much so did still resuse the work of someone else, even if you don't remember it.
but in my experience, this kind of thing also happens to a lot of people. you tell a friend a joke then wake up in a cold sweat two days later realizing the reason they didnt laugh was because they'd told you that joke a month ago. you reply to a friend's text and after sending you realized you ended it with the same exact phrase as theirs. you're writing edgy poetry and write a line you really like only to see it in a text post two days later saying youve already liked the post. like, it happens. so if it DOES happens and you're just honest and explain, people will understand. something like "oh shit im sorry, i totally have read that, i mustve forgotten and only remembered bits and pieces and just thought they were mine. thank you for letting me know and for the source" works wonders.
people know you can forget things. people won't automatically doubt your apology just because all true plagiarists say it was accidental. HOPEFULLY people can understand the nuance between a genuine remorseful explanation, and a thief who hoped no one would find out scrambling for excuses for why they did it. and those who can't, that's a them problem, not a you problem, you've taken responsibility for your actions as much as you can. they think the answer is simple, that the only thing stopping you from saying "yes i did it on purpose, i knew the whole time and deliberately copied them" is shame/inability to admit to your actions. but sometimes things AREN'T that simple, so imo ppl who are shitty to you for not following the script they made up for you in their head should be ignored
#youre allowed to make up scripts for people in fact good luck stopping yourself since thats kinda just part of how conversation works#is you try to predict how your audience will react to a certain statement#and my therapist actually encouraged me to practice run stuff i wanna talk about in sessions because That Makes It Easier To Talk About#like who cares if it's rehearsed‚ it's still the truth‚ yknow?#however that only applies to the things /you/ want to say. you are the only one aware of this script and the only one who agreed to it in#the first place which is why you plan contingencies into the script#is because you only have control over one character and can only take guesses at what the others might say#if you guess wrong and they do something different that doesnt mean /theyre/ not following the script#it means /your/ copy was a misprint and you filled in the blanks wrong. so do what good actors do and improvise. you'll get back on script#eventually. or not‚ if your guesses devolved into wildly speculative fanfiction‚ but frankly you knew going into it that#most of your script was guesswork so you should be prepared to have to make some things up on the fly#or see again: prepare contingencies#if your guesswork on your copy of the script turns out to be wrong‚ wouldnt it be sooo handy to have a second copy which follows this#version of events much better?#and if not that one‚ maybe this third? how about this fourth? etc etc etc#but really just. when guessing at what others will say. know that you are guessing and dont hold it against /them/ if youre wrong#sorry ik that wasnt super related to the post itself im just also passionate abt that#plagiarism#james somerton
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showtime
episode 211 let's go
ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode
mr mazzara doing the recap-
this is so weird to me and I don't know why
WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING
is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?
STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES
Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes
he's so pretty.
ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural
OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-
well that explains a lot...
so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-
insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*
of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??
Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....
let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.
Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha
yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰
I mean....where's EJ?
THERE HE IS
EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek
KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY
Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc
the smallest fOrk
can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌
the duster and the bluster.... ok😃
hi Gina!
hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!
the portwell look.
that my friends, is a married couple's look✋
GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU
aww Gina's so excited for this
D word?
Die?
Delicious?
Dom Toretto?
"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"
sir that does not sound very clean to me
SEBLOS
Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos
DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-
I NEED TO SEE THAT
Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"
Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer
the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement
"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"
...
"hey where are you from?"
"TAH"
SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-
he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos
just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why
Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea
pepto bismol product placement smhsmh
those flowers are bigger that big red himself-
*bops along to the opening theme*
that whistle at the end slaps everytime
WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE
I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*
wow i am so funny
so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice
OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA
HOWIEEEEEE
"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.
Mazzara what are you trying to pull-
I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone
"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ
"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"
right so what's going to happen after you graduate?
what does he think of you not going to Duke?
what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?
good old Mr. M
therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.
start with Ricky though.
"Michael Bowen"
dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"
OH-
does she not like Mike anymore?
why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime
break the fourth wall-
uhhhh im scared
why am I scared
he's scary
hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY
oh boy poor Michael
this man is in love, rip
why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide
LILYYYY
I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.
ha this guy's got jokes
a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL
wheeze
also he's very pretty.
"the wolves and very talented humans"
how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure
"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name
did she just say lol out loud
same with the hug emoji last episode-
go touch some grass babes
the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-
not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months
awww lily genuinely trying to help him
sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?
just look at me now
the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-
HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-
David Attenborough?
oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.
STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER
also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?
I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl
OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH
shockingly
yo where did the makeup come from
man I wish I was a theatre kid
THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋
my girl is starring
"needs an X-factor"
Simon Cowbell creeps in
"it's a yes from me"
and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her👍
"I thought she just hog-tied him?"
don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.
imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.
Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong
"help"
same Carlos, same
I love how seb is just his translator rn
I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?
big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.
Ash and Gina dancing is so fun
I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect
KOURTNEY YES
HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH
I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH
SEBBY
THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP
THIS IS SO GOOD
HOW???
no because I'm actually crying
I'm dead serious.
we need this musical released as a special
big red is so proud and I love to see it
Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"
rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"
Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance
Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up
YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER
aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard
JORDAN FISHER
there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me
THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG
they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor
THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-
@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT
Natalie really just be coming for them all
Howie what is happening rn
I'm scared
"did you enjoy it"
"very much"
dude wants a kiss so bad
ASHLYN OMG
NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT
I want a Jordan autograph please
just keep swim- oh pushing...
Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it
am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?
yes.
Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw
the portwell glances will kill me.
ah yes, mashed potato snow
Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.
Howie please just do it
CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT
I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE
oh ok bye Jordan
oo tea
NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-
"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"
excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically
THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-
STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP
someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst
omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing
elevator music lol
I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was
did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-
oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right
oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩
😐
the judge is doing a sudoku
honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too
Lily why are you looking like that-
I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP
wow ok, there goes that.
omg
what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-
anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.
#hsmtmts#hsmtmts s2#hsmtmts season 2#hsmtmts spoilers#ej caswell#gina porter#ricky bowen#nini salazar roberts#seb mathew smith#carlos rodriguez#big red#ashlyn caswell#kourtney greene#howie my pizza king#lily hsmtmts
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1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30-Epilogue
Lucy POV. TW: Panic Attack, Mental trauma/coping, PTSD
The university and Lucy’s professors had been really wonderful about everything, even offering to convert her classes to an online option so she could continue. She wasn’t happy about the idea of taking a sabbatical from college, but there was no way she could manage. Not only was it difficult for her to leave the apartment because seeing anyone that remotely resembled Touka sent her into a panic attack, focusing on anything at all was a struggle. Night after night it haunted her dreams and spilled into her waking moments. She’d run scenarios through her mind, all the what if’s, should haves, could haves, often leading to horrifying outcomes. They’d survived, yes, but at what cost?
She didn’t feel the same anymore as if a part of her did die in that apartment or fled to a hidden part of her brain too scared to come back out. The once happy, positive person had become a nervous wreck unable to control her emotions or outbursts. Lucy’s bedroom became her safe zone from everyone, even those closest to her, ashamed and insecure of their judgement. In her heart she knew friends like Levy or Natsu wouldn’t judge... but tell that to her broken mind, because her brain was the one in control at the moment, and insisted they’d look down on her.
All the irrational thoughts. It was her fault for not being careful, her fault she was kidnapped. Lucy knew Touka was growing dangerous, yet walking alone, at night... utterly stupid. She should have been overzealous at protecting herself, but oh no, stupid girl didn’t want to believe anything would actually happen. Until it did. And now she was even more pathetic and weak for not getting a hold of her emotions, for not controlling it instead of it controlling her. The danger had passed. They were alive. Touka was in jail. It should be over, but it wasn’t. Lucy couldn’t move past that night, stuck in an endless loop of fear. So many nights she’d wake up in a panic covered in sweat, the fading images of red... blood... like dripping down a tv screen in a horror movie. It was Natsu’s blood she saw and his screams when the knife had sliced him open.
The first week after the event had been difficult, sitting through an interview with Gajeel, and reliving all the mental wounds. It took several hours to get through it all despite the man doing his best to go easy on her. Each time painful parts came up, Lucy felt the anxieties rise, the mental blurring, the shaking, literally a physical shaking of her body in an effort to dispel the rise of adrenaline coursing through her veins. Interviews are best done without any other potential witnesses in the room to avoid cross contamination, but after Lucy’s first two attempts to talk to investigators failed, Gajeel was forced to allow Natsu in with explicit instructions to sit quietly and say nothing while the woman talked. Of course, Natsu’d been fine with that, he’d do anything to help, even if it was just holding Lucy’s hand. But it only added to her embarrassment. Surely Natsu will eventually tire of having an unstable girlfriend.
Then there was the therapist Levy helped Lucy to find which she hoped would help her to quickly get over the events and move on. So, when the woman explained that such traumas take patience and time to process, Lucy was devastated. It almost felt like nothing was going her way anymore, falling dominoes with no end in sight. She felt so ashamed for having to see the woman in the first place, and now she’s told it would be a long journey towards recovery. Just great! What’s next?!
“Lu?” Levy knocked before opening the bedroom door. “Are you gonna eat your dinner in here again? It’s ready.”
With the curtains drawn, Lucy’s room was dark and the only light available was a small desk lamp next to the bed set to a low setting. She peeked out from under her blanket. “I-I’ll come out in a minute, thanks Lev.”
As soon as her friend closed the door, Lucy exhaled in relief. She knew Levy was worried about the amount of time she stayed holed up in the room, so to dispel some of those concerns, Lucy would join her roommate for meals. She quickly applied a gauze wrap, threw on her long sleeve hoodie, and left the room. It made her feel safer to be shrouded and covered up, so gone were her skirts and tank tops, and hello to long sleeves and pants. If she could cover her face from the world, it would make her happy. Even her overall hygiene suffered. Lucy would forget to bathe or wash her hair for days on end, and it took Levy or Natsu with gentle prodding to get her to do it. She would wear the same clothes for a week if it wasn’t for Levy who made sure she changed at least every couple of days. Hell, she’d starve if her roommate wasn’t feeding her. This was a frustrating cycle, not having the mental energy to take care of herself, then feeling bad because they had to help her with things, which made her feel even worse.
It tore at Lucy’s heart to watch Natsu going through this process with her. She knew he was going through his own struggles, not just mental, but physically healing from his wounds. And here she was, the basket case of instability. Bless him, he never gave up no matter how distant she grew, but after that night, Lucy really didn’t want to talk about anything out loud, not that night, and certainly not the true extent of her pain from it. Both Levy and Natsu knew only what she couldn’t hide from them. Like the panic attacks, and since she really didn’t want them to see her go through one or what she’d resorted to, to calm herself, so the safest solution was stay quiet and not trigger them in their presence.
To show his dedication, Natsu even went with her to her therapy sessions and waited outside the office. Lucy knew it was costing him money to do this, because she couldn’t ride a train which meant cab rides every single trip. It bothered her a lot, but she did her best to hide it, and besides there was one small measure of security in having him at her side when she needed to venture out into the public.
“So, the nightmares are still a problem?” the therapist questioned Lucy. “Are you sure you don’t want to try a medication? It would help to ease them until we can get things under control.”
Lucy gripped to the hem of her sweater. “I just don’t wanna become addicted to that stuff...”
“That’s understandable. But not all are addictive, and I’ll be here to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.”
“I... I don’t think I’m ready.”
“Okay, that’s fine,” the woman smiled. “Remember I’m just here to help you, at your pace. I won’t force you take anything you don’t want to.”
“Thank you.”
“What about the breathing and relaxation techniques? When you feel the anxiety rising, are you trying out the steps?”
“I try... I don’t think I’m very successful at it.”
“Does it work sometimes?”
Lucy pauses for a few seconds in thought before nodding yes.
“See, that is progress!” The woman encouraged excitedly. “Two weeks ago, it didn’t help at all, and now it works sometimes. It’s a big step forward Lucy.”
“Doesn’t feel like it is...” Lucy mumbled.
“I know it’s hard to see it for yourself, and that’s okay. These things take time and practice. Do you remember what I said about these things?”
“Not really.” Which was true. During the first week when the therapist explained the processes, Lucy had stopped listening as soon as the woman said it would take time.
“Let me ask you a question. You like to write stories, right?”
“Yeah.”
“When you first started, were you able to just write perfect stories.”
“Pfft, no.”
“Then how did you get better at it?”
Lucy rolled her eyes, knowing where this was going. “Practice.”
“Yes! The PTSD requires learning new coping skills as well as unlearning irrational ones. To do both takes practice. The more we work at it, the easier it will get, I promise. One day you’ll be able to look back at this experience and feel stronger for it.”
She really wanted to believe the woman, but it was so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Tears well up in Lucy’s eyes, seconds before they start to flow down her cheeks. “Why is this so hard?! I just wanna get back to normal!” She could feel her anxieties rising. “I... I-I don’t wanna talk about it anymore! I just wanna forget it ever happened!”
The woman reached over and took Lucy’s hand, applying a strategic amount of pressure while rubbing her thumb over the webbing in a counter stimulus. She softened in tone. “I wish I could say that would work, but in order to get past it, you need to confront it. Together we’re gonna turn the boogieman into Casper the friendly ghost.”
It was such a weird way of putting things, it caused Lucy’s mind to snap out of the anxiety and snort a sniffling laugh in response. “Casper the friendly ghost?!”
“It was the first thing to pop into my mind,” the therapist laughed too. “The point is, we’re going to work together and slowly bring you to a place where this no longer scares you.”
“O-Okay...”
The rest of the session was tough, and Lucy had come close to a panic attack several times, but as a trained therapist, the woman stepped in at the right times to bring her levels down again using breaks and breathing routines. Sure, with a professional in front of you, it wasn’t as bad, but doing this on her own, the attacks were still winning. At the end of the session, the woman suggested a new technique to try out based on Lucy’s love of writing.
“You’ve heard of art therapy, so just think of this as a different form of creative therapy. Writing a diary is helpful to get out your feelings out in a healthy way. But let’s take it one step forward to use your skills in fiction writing. I want you to try before the next session, writing a story where you interject your emotions, feelings, whatever you want into the characters and story. Kind of like your character becomes you, but now you get to control what happens to them after the trauma they endure.”
“Wait, so you want me to write about a character that goes through what I went through?! Like torture my own character?!”
“Yes, to put it bluntly. Take your pain and unleash it onto the fictional character. It’s a much healthier way of releasing your anger or frustration in something that can’t really be hurt. Do whatever you want to them. But remember you also get to give them the ending you want to. It’s about utilizing a tool you’re already comfortable with and taking back some control. It’ll be normal if you cry, scream, and get upset through the process, but that’s okay, because instead of holding it all in, you’re getting your feelings out.”
Lucy slumped back in her seat. It sounded strange, yet at the same time made a bit of sense to her. Angst type stories were not really her forte, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t do it, especially since pain is all she was channeling at the moment. She sighed. “I’ll try.”
“And that’s totally okay. All I ask is that you give it a try.”
#nalu#nalu fan fic#nalu au#nalu fan fiction#Natsu dragneel#Lucy heartfilia#Natsu x lucy#nalu fanfiction#strangers on a train#ch 24#angst#TW: panic attack#TW: PTSD
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Porch Light | Jim Hopper x reader
First attempt at fanfic and it’s 12am, so it’s rough but maybe someone will like it. More to come. Debating on if I wanna slowburn or rage right into smut.
Jim Hopper x reader
Warning: mentions of death, violence. Angst and some building crushes.
————-
It wasn’t easy trying to be independent again. Especially after five years of marriage and one terrible spousal death. It had been a little over a year since your husband died and you’ve been trying to make sense of the world since. It seemed pretty unfair that you were left to pick up the pieces and figure out life Post-love-of-your-life, life. Yet here you were, sitting in a holding cell wearing nothing but a cheap prison sweat suit trying to figure out what you did to deserve all this.
You weren’t one to pity party, but the past year had been god awful. Your husband died in a school shooting and the dominos came crashing down from there. Crippling depression, therapist after therapist, trying to make you feel better about watching your partner bleed out in your arms. You weren’t even supposed to be there- you never went to visit him on campus. But just once, you wanted to surprise him at work. Then there were the screams silenced by the metal tap of a semi automatic weapon. You knew it was a mistake to live in New Hampshire... live free or die alright.
At first it seemed like you two were going to make it out. That was before you saw the gunman going for a classroom of students. You stepped forward before Shawn could stop you. And before you could make a move, he stepped in front of you as the gunman inevitably turned his muzzle your way. He took the bullet that was meant for you, falling to the ground as you crumbled to your knees. He took his last breathe in your arms and you lost your best friend and partner in a matter of minutes.
That’s where it all fell apart. You couldn’t get out of bed and when you did make your way into work you were a mess. Eventually they put you on forced leave, until you finally decided to leave it all behind and move back to your hometown of Hawkins. You yearned for something familiar, safe and comfortable again. Anything to dim your guilt riddled existence.
Yet...here you were in scratchy prison clothes after being found wandering down the street at 3 am, buck-ass naked. You, obviously, didn’t have any idea what you were doing due to the heavy dose of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication you took before bed. You didn’t even know you’d left the house until you woke with a jolt in the back of Good Ole Chief Jim Hoppers blazer, covered in a dusty wool moving blanket. He’d found you wandering into a suburban neighborhood while he was out training a new patrolman. Despite your insistence this was a mistake, the Chief still said he had to take you in for processing.
Now, as you sat in the empty cell plucking at a lose strand on your cuff, all you could hope was that you’d be home soon in time to get some sleep so you could enjoy your weekend off. It’d been busy at the law firm you started at since moving to Hawkins and for the first time in months, you had a chance to relax. And for the first time in over a year, you actually wanted to.
“You better be careful- would hate to see you unravel that especially after we finally got you dressed”
The blood rises to your face as you turn your head toward the Chief, who was leaning against the cell door.
“Not that you would mind, huh, Chief.” You bit your cheek at the quip, squeezing your eyes shut with embarrassment. You always said stupid shit when you were tired.
A loud laugh erupted from Hopper as he pulled his keys from his belt and unlocked the door.
“Smooth Y/N. No need to sweet talk me, we spoke with your doctor and he confirmed the side effects, but more importantly, said youre safe to go home. Normally I would’ve just brought you home, but the new kid is the superintendents son so I had to put on a show. Sorry about that.”
“Never took you as one to play politics” you said with with a huff and a smirk as you pulled yourself off the metal bench.
“Me either, but processing gave me some alone time with you hence why I sent the kid home early” he said with a wink.
“Ha. Ha. Nice try mister.” You patted him With mock pity as you passed. “But I’m glad it was you picking me up either way. Stupid medication. Its killing my sleep schedule.”
“That’s some heavy stuff if it’s making you strip your clothes off and taking you on nightly strolls” he noted with one raised eyebrow.
You waved a hand “no no I sleep naked, but the walks are all the pill. Gonna have to sleep handcuffed to the bed if I’m not careful” punctuating the statement with a wide yawn.
“That can be arranged” the Chief hummed as he shut the door, following you to the front door of the deserted station.
You cast him a side glance and a wry smirk, before changing the subject “so, are you taking me home? Or do I have to strip down and walk back alone” Stupid or not if felt good to flirt again. Maybe the lack of sleep or medication made you brave, but you were enjoying the moment as you stared up at Hopper. If you had to flirt with anyone you were glad it was him. You hadn’t been in Hawkins long before you ran into him at work. He came stomping into the office in a huff that something was taking too long to process. Everyone was giving him the run around until you intervened. His face went from 50 shades of red to a nice shade of pink when you came over to help. He sat quietly and watched you get his paperwork together, without making a single rude comment or impatient sigh. Since then, he made it a point to beeline to your desk any time he was in the office, claiming “you were just the most competent person there” and that he didn’t want to waste time with anyone else. But you both knew better. You may have been emotionally numb, but you knew he was up to something and it felt nice to be appreciated a little.
Hopper graciously offered to take you back to your apartment, not that he would miss a chance to spend a few more minutes with you. He didn’t wanna push you or give you the “wrong idea”, but a little ride home couldn’t hurt. However, despite his well laid plans, you dozed off in the car. Though disappointed, jim made sure to avoid any potholes. You rested in silence until he woke you with a gentle shake in front of your house.
“Hey, we made it. Lemme walk you up”
You agreed with a sleepy nod and stepped out of the car, heading towards your front door. You tested the handle as Hopper stepped behind you, shining light onto the door knob.
“You really ought to fix your porch light” he mused as you fumbled with the screen door and main door knobs. Thankfully sleep-walking Y/N hadn’t thought to lock it.
“I know but I can’t reach.... but I do have a lightbulb inside if you’re willing to help Chief” you said, blatantly fluttering your lashes at him.
This elicited another big laugh from him as he shook his head at you. “So what am I your errand boy now?” He questioned as you shrugged and opened the door. Despite his mocking tone, he couldn’t help but feel a rush of relief.
“So, is that a no? If not, I can pay you in beer if you’re off shift.”
“Well, if you insist” he said as he hurried in after you. The apartment was pretty sparse, but it smelled like you. And though he didn’t admit it then, Hopper loved that. As you wandered in search of the light bulb he took in your space. The small overstuffed couch cloaked in a thick knit blanket sat in the living room. Some mail laid piled on the breakfast bar that doubled as your dining room table. Pictures of family and pets dotted the fridge in your practically empty kitchen.
Hopper resisted the urge to step further into the house. You intrigued him and it made him want to drink you in. Unfortunately he also knew a bit of your story, encouraging him to keep his distance. He knew what it was like to be in swathed in a constant cloak of pain and didn’t want to be the guy encroaching on your space like a dick pic on legs. So, he waited patiently at the door until you came back with the long lost bulb.
As Hopper stepped outside to change the bulb you stepped back into the bedroom to change out of the sweat suit. You slipped into a pair of black leggings and your favorite red checkered t-shirt before meeting Jim back at the door way.
“You can come in you know” you chuckled, taking the dead bulb from his hand and disposing of it in the kitchen “I did offer to pay you in beer after all.”
Hopper smirked as he stepped into the kitchen to take the cold bottle of beer you held out to him.
“Cheers to the Chief, for rescuing me from a night of naked escapades.” The two of you laughed, each taking several deep gulps from your drinks.
“It wasn’t easy. You tried to run off. We had to use the blanket to trap you. Like a net” Hopper laughed, leaning against the counter top next to you.
“Oh great. It gets better.” You shake your head at your shenanigans. “Still, thankfully you were there.” You cast a tender smile up at Hopper, who stared in quiet awe back at you. Despite seeing you naked earlier that night, that smile drew him to you far stronger. He could feel his heart start to race and blush creep across his cheeks as he looked down at you. He could swear he felt static electricity building at the point where your arms almost touched and he desperately wanted to close the gap and get some relief. More than anything, he wanted to lean over, caress your soft cheeks and bring your mouth to his. Instead, he stared until you broke the tension.
“So...You want another beer?”
Part two
#jim hopper x reader#stranger things#chief hopper#jim hopper#fan fiction#slow burn#probably#flirting
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Am I Alive? || Nate & Remmy
Nate didn’t often let people into his life. The few friends he had were the result of long and tiresome interactions as they slowly infiltrated his careful barriers. His own assistant had never been to his house and never knew where he was from. But something about Remmy felt...familiar. They’d both been through hell, though Nate would never pretend to know what war was like. They seemed like kindred spirits, and Nate wondered if he might actually have found someone who could compliment his neuroticism. Plus he knew better than most how hard it was to acclimate after a traumatic event and he wanted to help any way he could. So he donned his puffiest coat – offering more cushion should something happen. He also made sure to grab his sturdiest umbrella, one that he’d reinforced should any fish come flying down at him. The medical examiner had said four people had died so far, and Nate was not gonna be the fifth. After carefully making his way to Coffee Plus, he set up his little area and ordered a latte, waiting patiently with his hands cupped around his mug for his potential employee to arrive.
The offer for another job was extremely enticing, but Remmy would have to make sure it didn’t pay too much, because they could lose their disability if it did. And then, no more writing off Moose’s food, no more HSA, and no more cheap meds. But Nate seemed like a really nice guy, and he seemed to know how Remmy felt. How hard it was to reintegrate into society after witnessing something that inherently changes you. Inside and out. This time, they made public transport didn’t make them late but catching the bus early. Coffee Plus was the station they’d met Deirdre outside of, and if they didn’t get thrown in front of a car again, then it would already be a better meeting. They’d even tried their best to clean themself up this time. Combed their hair, put on their best jeans-- the only pair with no holes or rips-- and their nice jacket. When they arrived, they had to pause a moment outside, give themself that little pep talk that usually given in front of a bathroom mirror. But Remmy’s room didn’t have a bathroom mirror, despite the landlord saying they were going to replace it two weeks ago. The little bell chimed as Remmy pulled the door open and they glanced around. There, in the corner. Right wher eNate had said he would be. He looked almost as nervous as Remmy felt, bundled up in a puffy coat, tucked into a corner, cupping his coffee. They waved as they approached tentatively. “Nate?” they asked. “It’s um-- Remmy. Hi.”
A large grin spread across Nate’s face as Remmy appeared. Thank god they actually showed up. He shifted in his seat and motioned for them to sit. Nervously, his hands fumbled with the pages of one of his old sketchbooks, one that before this morning he hadn’t looked at in years. It made him want to start drawing again, drawing things that weren’t buildings at the very least. He’d have to thank Remmy for reminding him how much he’d loved doing it. “Hey! Nice to meet you!” He held out his hand, careful not to bump into anything. “I’m so glad you came! You want something to drink?” Nate caught his usual barista’s attention and waved her over. “I personally like the lattes, but everything’s really good!”
Remmy noticed the way Nate stayed tucked into himself and close to the table, but didn’t think it was anything they needed to point out or think about. They took his hand, giving it a firm shake. His hand was large and warm and it reminded Remmy of Dario’s hand. They smiled back. “Nice to meet you, too! Finally.” They slid into the booth across from Nate, glancing around. The coffee shop was small, but had that busy, local atmosphere. It was different from any place they’d been in Bangor. “Oh, um, sure! I’ll just have a um...Americano? Thanks!” Looked back over to Nate once the lady took their order. They had their sketchbook tucked under one arm and their eyes fell onto the one Nate had on the table. “Thanks for um-- agreeing to meet me. And-and offering me a job. And...all that other stuff.”
Nate grinned and took a long sip of his coffee. “Really, it’s nothing. I uh, you seem like good people!” He chuckled nervously, trying not to think about how cold their hand was. He drummed his fingers on the top of his sketchbook and fell silent for a moment. It had been years since he’d shown his drawings to anyone when it wasn’t work related, but this...sort of was. “The job is mostly menial, nothing too exciting, but I could definitely use the assistance.” He shrugged, thinking about the kid currently interning for him. Bobby was next to useless, especially when it came to moving samples around the office. “But whether you take the job or not, I’m happy to have met you!” He began to slide his sketchbook over, his knee bouncing at a hypersonic rate. “Plus I never get to trade art with anyone! Not trade trade, but like...look over pieces...share, that sort of thing.”
“You seem like good people, too,” Remmy said back. This was nice. This felt nice. And normal. Pleasant, almost. They eyed his sketchbook, before setting theirs on the table as well, still holding tightly onto it. They’d never actually shown anyone else their stuff. Except some of the other officers at the camp. “Oh, um-- I’m not sure mine are gonna be really good enough to like...compare to yours, I’m sure. But I’m glad I get to see yours! I’ve never exactly….shared this kinda stuff before. Wasn’t exactly um-- encouraged in the troops.” Stop bringing the mood down, Rem. They shook their head. “But, I mean-- I’m good with menial things! And physical labor. Also good at running errands! Whatever you need! If um-- you decide you like me.”
Nate laughed, wringing his hands anxiously in his lap. “Oh, definitely no comparing here! That’s the worst thing artists can do, really. Everyone’s styles and strengths are so different, like…” He reached out and opened his book to a rather choppy looking portrait. “Soft lines, not my thing. But straight edges, flowing concrete, somehow that I can do.” A hand reached up into his hair and began to twirl. “I’m sorry you weren’t uh...encouraged. Art’s….soothing. Even if what you draw isn’t.” Nate had specifically not brought the book he’d kept right when he first found himself in White Crest. All the images in there were charcoal drawings of pure angst, sadness and desperation. These sketches weren’t great, but they at least weren’t morosely depressing. “Well I already think I like you!” Nate grinned, hoping he wasn’t coming on too strong. He hadn’t realized how desperately he’d needed something as normal as coffee and a job interview, even as lax as this was.
“Really?” Remmy asked. They leaned in a little more when Nate opened his book, gazing in with wide eyes. “Wow, that’s so good! You’re really good.” Hands tightening on their own book. “Oh, it-it’s okay. I don’t think I coulda done anything with it, anyway. I guess it just helps...occupy my mind. I don’t mean like..busy work, or whatever, but yeah-- soothing. Like you said, it’s...soothing…” They remembered how the group therapist had encouraged writing or drawing as an outlet. Remmy had taken quite to it. They liked drawing what they saw, copying down detail in an almost hyperfocus manner. “Well, I think I like you, too! You’re really nice and open and...not weird. If that makes sense? Not that weird is bad! I’ve just met a few...really weird people, too.”
Nate nodded, sucking down more of the hot bean juice. “Like I said, anyone can be an artist. Doesn’t matter if you do anything with it. Just so long as it makes you feel good.” He shrugged, his eyes falling to his lap and his cheeks flushing. Nate never could take a compliment. “I cannot promise that weird won’t end up popping up,” he laughed nervously. What was he supposed to say? I’m normal now but wait till I die in some freak accident and come back trying to eat your brains? “But I’m glad I’m not the weirdest person you’ve met here. I mean, I hope.”
“Hey, a little bit of weird isn’t bad. Don’t they say like, normal is boring or whatever?” Remmy grinned. “You’re not, definitely not. I think the woman I met who tried to push me into a car is the weirdest I’ve met so far.” They shrugged it off. Deirdre was a mystery they didn’t really wanna think about right now. The waitress came back with their order and they took it gratefully, taking a long sip. “Um…” they pushed their notebook over towards Nate, a little tentative, a little shy. “I-if you wanna look.” Though they would never admit it, as they weren’t sure of their own talent, their eye for detail gave them the ability to draw from life fairly well. Thin pencil lines, sketchy figures, and some doodles of animals riddled the sketchbook, an unorganized mess, unlike every other aspect of their life. Some drawings layered on top of others, like stacks of photos. They sipped their coffee again.
Nate smiled, a touch of sadness in his eyes. “I respectfully disagree with those people. I’d take normal over weird any day.” Nate’s life was already filled with too much weirdness. “Wait- like she was shoving you into a car or...throwing you in front of one?” Nate’s brow furrowed and he felt oddly protective over this person he just met. “Of course I wanna see!” He reached out, delicately turning the pages of the sketchbook. It was practically exploding with creativity. Lines and shades he’d seen but never really seen, it was so unlike his personal style and so refreshing. You could see real heart. “These are amazing, Remmington. Remmy? Which do you prefer?” He glanced up for only a moment before being sucked back into the book.
“Kinda...both? I’m not really sure. She said she wanted to test something and almost threw me into a taxi. It was fine, obviously, but I got kinda mad at her after that,” Remmy said, as if getting thrown in front of a car was a normal thing. In all honesty, it just didn’t strike them as odd. After all, they’d stuck their hands into a live case of TNT before. Was getting hit by a car really that much different? They felt their chest tingle as Nate delicately flipped through the notebook, suddenly so nervous they couldn’t even drink their coffee, just hold the cup tightly. “What? Really? Y-you think so?” Swallowed. “Oh, um-- either! Either is fine! I don’t mind.” They rolled their bottom lip between their teeth nervously. “I just...like drawing what I see. Nothing special…”
Nate’s mouth dropped open and he had to actively think about closing it so as not to be overly rude. “She- on purpose?? Yeah! I’d be mad too!” Nate nearly had a heart attack just thinking about the ordeal. But he looked back down to the drawings to distract himself. They were really good. Not professional, but that didn’t mean anything to Nate. He actually felt most professional artists were stuck up and rarely creative. “Yeah, Remmy, these are awesome!” He beamed up at them. “I like what you see.” It had been so long since Nate had really stopped to look around, flipping through Remmy’s sketches was like being unafraid to wander through town. It felt free. “You should keep this up. Seriously. Even if it’s just for you.”
Remmy couldn’t help but give a shy smile. “Th-thanks. I, um-- I will. I haven’t had much time lately between all the...stuff, but...I think I’ll try and make time.” They smiled over at Nate, finally relaxed enough again to sip their coffee. “So, um-- do you like, design the buildings and stuff? Or just do more like...blueprints stuff? I’m not-- sorry. I don’t mean to sound like...rude, but I’m not really sure what architects do, like a hundred percent? I’m totally willing to learn though!”
Nate cocked his head to the side. “Like all the getting shoved towards taxis?” He frowned, hoping Remmy wasn’t befriending people that would willingly shove them into oncoming traffic. It wasn’t entirely unheard of in White Crest, especially in the seedier areas. Yet another reason to never leave his house. “Oh, yeah! It really depends on the project, and most of what I get to do around here is restoring some of the town’s older buildings, making sure they’re up to code while maintaining the historical integrity of the design.” He smiled softly, taking another sip of coffee. “But every once in a while someone wants to build an entirely new house or business, then I get to flex my creative chops.” He sighed dramatically. “Those fun projects don’t tend to come around as often, though, so sometimes I just teach a class at the college.”
“Yeah,” Remmy sighed, “like that.” They still hadn’t parsed out Deirdre’s actual intention with doing that. Was it to see if Remmy would move? If they would let her? If they would get scare and run away? It still baffled them, but she hadn’t been eager to talk after that, so the answer would likely never come. So Remmy would concentrate on the here and now. “Wow, that’s so cool! I had no idea that’s what architects actually did...do you go to the houses and like actually help build stuff? Or do you just do more of the like...drawing and planning stuff?” They couldn’t help but be excited by all this. They’d always loved learning new things, even if public schooling had made them feel inadequate. “And you get to teach at the University?? That’s SO cool!”
Nate frowned, already feeling the twinge of protectiveness over this person he’d literally just met. Remmy had already been through so much, they needed a soft place to land, not a place where people literally threw them into oncoming traffic. But he would drop it- for now. Not like he was in any position to go hunting down this person, and to do what, exactly? Yell at them? Punch them? Neither of those things were in Nate’s wheelhouse. “I don’t do too much building, but I do get to visit the sites sometimes to help oversee everything! A lot of what I do is actually project management and organizing the construction crews, but I’ve gotten to know most of the crews around here pretty well, so they send me progress photos and stuff. It’s really cool to see an idea you have come to life right before your eyes.” Nate paused, smiling sheepishly to himself. “It’s really not that cool, most people find it kinda boring. But I love it.”
“Oh, I think that sounds amazing!” Remmy blurted, without thinking much. They reigned themself back in sheepishly. “Sorry. I just-- I don’t think it sounds boring at all! I think that sounds amazing. Getting to do something that actually changes the world around you...even if it’s just a building. And seeing it in progress? That’s just…” they trailed off a bit. “That’s incredible.” They took another long sip of the coffee, realizing it didn’t much taste like anything. It didn’t fill any sort of need inside of them. Not like it used to. “It sounds kinda lame but...when I was younger, I think I always wanted to do something that could, like, change things for the better. I guess that’s why I thought going into the military might...you know. Be like that.”
Nate’s eyes lit up. He so rarely spoke to anyone, let alone about his work, it was refreshing to be able to gush about it to someone who thought it was as interesting as he did. Well, maybe not as much, but at least Remmy was feigning interest! “I’m glad you think it’s interesting! I could definitely tell you more about it, and I mean, if you come help out, you’d get to see a lot of it first hand, too.” Nate knew exactly what they meant. It was the reason so many of his high school peers had enlisted, not knowing what else to do but needing and wanting to do something. He smiled softly, feeling his body loosen a bit from the tense ball it had been in. “I’m Sorry. If it wasn’t, I mean. Like that. Doing something for the better. Or that’s presumptuous- was it?” And he tensed right back up again as he stuck his foot in his mouth.
“Oh, yes! That would be great!” Remmy said excitedly. They had no idea someone would think they were just pretending, because Remmy didn’t have it in them to lie or pretend. “I’d love to learn all that stuff! Even if I’m no good at it, I think it’d be cool to know!” They sipped the coffee again, their legs twitching excitedly. Remmy had never been this excited before. Was this was it meant to find something they loved? “Oh, um-- I think it was, a little. I don’t um-- it’s hard to explain. I think there’s better ways to change things, but...it felt like my only option. I wasn’t the smartest or funniest or strongest. So...that was pretty much it.” They shrugged. “But, I mean-- as far as job offers go, I um-- think I’d be happy to come work for you. I-if you’re still looking.”
Nate sometimes felt like he was looking in a mirror when he talked to Remmy. They’d only known each other a short while, but he felt like he understood them in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. Sure, some of that might be how excited they were about architecture, but it was something more than that, too. Nate remembered what it felt like to be so lost, heck he was still unbearably lost. But when he did what he loved, it wasn’t quite so unbearable. It was part of the reason he hadn’t tried to just end things. Seeing Remmy light up like this, it ignited something in Nate too. “I would be more than happy to have you join the team, Remmy.” He grinned, holding out his hand more confidently than before. “Welcome to the family.”
Remmy couldn’t remember the last time they’d been this excited. They couldn’t remember the last time they’d felt this hopeful. Sure, it was just an assistant job, helping out around Nate’s firm, but it was more than anything they could’ve hoped for in coming to White Crest. Being a security guard was easy and it paid the bills, but it wasn’t exactly the most riveting job. After being in the field for so long, Remmy had found life wasn’t exciting anymore. Remmy took Nate’s hand eagerly. “Thanks, Nate. Really, thank you so much.”
@whatsin-yourhead
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Blink (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 24
CHAPTER 24
Jesus sits down on Pearl’s couch, and watches as she goes to work, putting a pot on the stove.
“Hot chocolate again? What’d I do to get so lucky?” he asks.
“Well, it didn’t look like you got to have any back there, and apparently mine is superior.” Pearl jokes.
“It is,” he nods.
She sets out some cheese and crackers, before she goes back out to tend to the milk on the stove. While she’s busy, Jesus snags three crackers with cheese and puts them in his bag.
“You’re welcome to take any food home with you that you want…” Pearl calls. “But I do kinda wish you’d ask…”
“Sorry,” he says, reaching back in the bag for the crackers and setting them on the plate. When she comes out, he asks plainly: “Can I have these three?”
“You can,” she nods, setting a mug of hot chocolate in front of him. Jesus doesn’t talk again until his is all the way gone. It’s too good to interrupt with words.
“Do you always not lock your doors?” he asks.
“Pretty much.”
“How come?” he asks. “Aren’t you freaked out about...I don’t know...people?”
“I think…” she says thoughtfully. “The worst thing already happened to me, so if people want to come and mess with me, they can try it.”
There’s a glint of something hard in Pearl’s eyes. Jesus never wants to mess with her. “Is it gonna be weird, now that you know about me? Are you gonna be wondering a bunch of stuff?”
“I’m gonna be respecting you. Your story’s yours. If you want to tell me, you can. If you don’t want to, that’s okay, too.”
They’re quiet for a while. Then, Jesus admits, “I talked to Lena about some stuff today. But there’s other stuff she doesn’t know about. Stuff I’m trying to deal with, but I can’t, like, say.”
Pearl looks pointedly at his backpack, and Jesus puts an arm around it protectively. “Yeah,” he confirms.
“Do you think I’d make you feel bad about it?” Pearl asks softly.
“You made me ask,” he says, looking away from her.
“First of all, we’re friends. Friends don’t make friends do things. We ask each other. Because I respect you, and you respect me. I said, I wish you would ask. Because you’re a guest and it’s a difficult thing for me to go to the grocery store. So for you to just take what’s so hard for me to get? It kinda hurts my feelings,” she admits.
“Oh. I didn’t think about it that way… It’s hard for me to be a guest…” he confesses.
“How so?” She’s gentle. Gracie’s lying by her feet, listening, too.
“Like...living in somebody else’s house for that long...and never being able to forget that everything there was His...even me. It’s kinda like, now, whenever I’m somewhere that’s not home, and even sometimes when I am home, I feel like I have to do things on the down-low in order to get what I need. I don’t know if that makes sense or not…” he hedges.
“When you put it that way, it makes total sense,” she nods. “But I do appreciate you asking me. It’s different here. Like your house,” Pearl encourages.
“Because I’m safe?” Jesus questions.
“You are safe. And if you ever don’t feel safe here, you can always go back. I’d never keep you here if you didn’t want to be.”
“Hmm,” Jesus thinks. “You’re probably the best person I know at being obvious.”
“Is that a good thing?” Pearl wonders, a small smile on her face.
“Yeah. Like I said once, I think… What people think is clear, for me, isn’t. I need it to be super clear. And you’re good at that.”
“Thanks.”
“Do you like living here?” Jesus wonders.
“Yes, most of the time, I do.” Pearl nods.
“Except when?”
“Except...April…and in winter if the heater doesn’t work.”
Jesus grimaces. “Oh no. I was gonna say I’d wanna live up here in a cabin sometime like you, but maybe not if the heat won’t work. Cold’s not my favorite.”
“Right. Well, my mom did get me this cute little space heater for Christmas. So, if, for some reason the heat stops working while you’re here, we can still stay warm.
He smiles. Then hesitates. “What’s bad in April?”
“Memories…” she admits, looking away.
“Mine are bad in September. And October. And Thanksgiving. Christmas is pretty hard, too. But April’s okay. I could be here for you. I mean, if we can stay in touch after we leave.”
“You don’t have to. What kind of role model would that make me, falling apart at the seams?”
“An honest one. And besides, I wouldn’t want you to feel alone. Not with this. Like, we wouldn’t have to talk about it or anything, but if you needed me, we could Skype or call or text or something.”
“If I can be there for you next September through Christmas, you’ve got a deal.”
“Okay,” he smiles. Pauses. “It’s hard for me to ask, sometimes. Like about food…”
“Because of being a guest?” Pearl checks.
Jesus nods. “And because He used to make me ask permission to do everything, and then not let me do it, even when I really had to.”
“Let me ask you something...if you’re okay with it…” Pearl waits.
“Yeah.”
“Did He respect you?”
“What?” Jesus asks. The question makes his brain grind to a screeching halt. No one has ever asked him this before. “Can you be any more specific?” he asks, trying out Mama’s question.
“Did He treat you with kindness? Was He there for you when you were in trouble? Did He help you get what you needed in order to feel safe?”
Jesus shakes his head. “No, He was the opposite. He was mean. The reason I got in trouble. The reason I never felt safe.”
“When people respect each other, asking if you can use something is a part of that respect. It’s saying, I care about you, so let me run this by you first, before I act.”
“Consent,” Jesus breathes, a lightbulb moment. “Yeah, I know all about that. I didn’t realize it was like the same thing.”
“I suppose it is,” Pearl nods.
“It clicks better that way in my head,” Jesus offers. “Because we talk about it a lot in my family and in therapy.”
“Do you think that’s helpful?” Pearl asks.
“Therapy? Yeah, it is. For me, anyway.”
“I’ve always been kinda scared to go…” Pearl admits.
Jesus thinks about this. How weird it is that somebody like Pearl can live alone in a cabin in the woods and not lock her door but be scared to go to therapy. But he guesses he was scared, too, at first.
“Yeah, the first time I went, I was really scared, too. I tried to jump out of the car, because I had a really hard time in cars back then. Like way harder than now. Luckily the doors had child locks on them, and Mom got in back and held me. Then when we got to the office, I wouldn’t talk, but Mom stayed with me and Mama, too. I didn’t want them to go.”
“I’m glad they stayed with you,” Pearl says.
“So, the first couple times, it happened like that. And after that, I felt comfortable being there. When Dr. H. talked to me about privacy for the first time, and proved to me that she meant it. That it really was private for just me and her, and I could trust her, I stopped needing my Moms to come in with me.” Jesus pauses. “I bet Gracie could come in with you, so you could feel safe.”
“Well, Gracie comes everywhere with me, but there aren’t a lot of resources up here. Mental health wise.”
“That sucks,” Jesus says, disappointed. “You should be able to get therapy if you’re ready.”
--
“Well, again, I’m not sure how ready I am…” Pearl admits but she’s struck by just how perceptive Jesus is. Just how dialed in he is to her and what she needs to hear.
It’s an entirely different experience than her mom telling her to leave Gracie at home because she can cope without her. Entirely different than the cashier at SuperOne wanting to rehash the worst night of Pearl’s life every couple of weeks. Entirely different than her high school friends who alternately had too much interest in what happened to her, pumping her for information, or too little, expecting her to be exactly the same.
“Well, yeah, but there’s no pressure. You have Gracie. She’s kinda like a therapist. And you have me,” he points to himself and whispers, with a wide smile, “Not like a therapist.”
“True, and I do have a couple of other friends I touch base with about it, too. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to friends, too. Don’t you find?”
“Yeah, ‘cause you know they’re not getting paid to hear you talk about your crap,” he says. “No disrespect to Dr. H. She’s awesome. Just…”
“Yeah,” Pearl nods. “I know exactly what you mean. There was actually one counselor, like, right after...but all I felt from her was pressure. Which was the last thing I needed.”
“No, you need someone to be patient. To ask what you need, not to tell you what they need from you.”
“God, you’re smart…” she says, not shy about telling him this.
Jesus blinks. “Seriously?”
“You know so much. Have you ever thought about doing this when you grow up?”
“He always said I was dumb.”
“Well, he didn’t respect you, right? So he probably made sure to never tell you that. But listen. It takes someone incredibly smart to make it home. I’m sure you had to be on your toes all the time.”
“Right,” Jesus nods. “I don’t know what I’ll do when I grow up. I kinda don’t wanna think too much about it, ‘cause it sorta still feels like I just got back and I don’t wanna leave again. It feels like I need my Moms for extra years to make up for the ones before.”
“No, you totally do deserve that. I’m just saying, I think you have a lot of insight and you’re great at talking to people about this. At making them feel like their feelings matter. You could do something with that. You know, if you chose to.”
“Nobody’s ever told me that before…” he says, looking surprised.
“Well, it’s true. You’re a great listener,” Pearl encourages.
Jesus bristles. “Well, I did have a lot of practice. I had to listen all the time. You know, even when I didn’t want to.”
Pearl nods, sympathetic. It’s a smaller scale, but she understands.
“I like having you here,” she says. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m gonna miss you when you go.”
Jesus shakes his head. “Don’t even talk about this. I can’t face it yet. It’s gonna be so weird to think I can’t just walk over to your cabin and hang out in here and talk.”
“When I first found out you guys were coming, I kinda lost it. I kept ranting to Gracie about you guys.”
“Why?” Jesus laughs. “You didn’t even know us. Well, you knew Mom...kind of….”
“Yeah, but I really like my own space. Around here, they call me Hermit West.”
“No, they don’t,” Jesus says, incredulous. “You said that before, and I thought it was a joke. Dude, that’s seriously messed up. There’s nothing wrong with needing your own space.”
“Thank you. Right?”
Before she knows it, the clock is edging toward 5 PM. “Should we go?” she asks sadly.
Jesus sighs. “I guess.”
Once they’re both ready, they step outside. This is the first time Jesus doesn’t talk on the way. Pearl doesn’t either. They’ve said so much already.
When they’re at his door, he looks at her. “Can I come back two more times?”
“Please,” Pearl all but begs. “And you don’t need to wait until you’re upset to stop by. I know I said that at first, but now I feel like we know each other.”
“Okay,” he nods.
She knocks for him and starts heading back, but as always, Pearl listens for the door to open at her back. For Jesus’s family to be there. For him to get inside safely before she walks out of earshot.
Back in her own cabin, she cleans up the plate and the cups. Tucked under Jesus’s saucer is a scrap of paper:
Jesus: (619) 255-1270
Call anytime
Beside it, Jesus has drawn a paw print. And beside that? A shell, with a single pearl inside.
She gasps and blinks back tears, wondering how on earth he knows her so well.
Wondering what in the world she’ll do without him.
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10/2/19 5:56am
This is the 2nd night in a row i have been keep up all night by thoughts, mostly about this boy.
I met him at larp. He’s a fairly powerful warden and sorcerer, and i met him (in game, in character) in a tavern. People were paying him to draw wards on them (which give you in game advantages). I always notice peoples teeth first, and he has really cute teeth and a really cute smile. He was very attractive. I asked what he was doing and he briefly explained what the wards are and i was like cool, and started to walk away, and then he was like “I’ll give you one for free” and reached out his hand to take mine. He drew an anti perm ward on my left hand and was really sweet about it. I said thanks and proceeded to leave the tavern. I kept thinking about him though.
It became a running joke between my closest friends and i that i was going to wander around and look for the hot mage. I didn’t have any other interactions with him at game, but i saw him around a couple times and would try not to stare too long.
After packing up and heading home, i texted patrick. He is in the same culture as the hot mage and so they interact a lot. I asked what his name was and proceeded to do a *very small* amount of fb digging, just to see if he was single, ya know just in case. I then went on the page where everyone was doing their post game posts so people can find each other and i saw his. I liked it, friended him, and wrote a little comment.
“Thanks for teaching me about warding in the tavern, you seem really cool and i hope we can interact more next game”. He liked it and commented back to talk him up about warding sometime. He friended me back and then liked my profile picture and i was like interesting...
I was planning for the long road. Give it a couple days then dm him about warding, or just conveniently show up at a combat practice where i knew he would be and be casual and flirty then. Or try to flirt with him next game, over a month from now. But then he dmed me.
“Hey i hope the warding stuff worked out alright. Your costume was very cute btw”
I saw this while texting my friends joking about “operation hot mage” and it being my characters one true objective to hook up with him ha ha it’s never gunna happen tho, and then he just slid in my dms and called me cute?? Like who is running this mod, it’s not realistic.
I sweat and overthink for a bit and then finally, with heavy encouragement from my friends, messaged him back.
“I remember you being exceedingly cute as well” and then i inmediately change the subject to talking about warding vs alchemy and i can’t decide HAHAHAHAHA
He replied with an “Awwh thanks ^-^” and then we discussed magic for a bit. Ya know, normal small talk things, apprentice vs journeyman scrolls, mana control, herbalism. Basic stuff.
Then he was like oh we also have a combat practice that meets every weekend, id love to see you there sometime. And i was like yeah sounds awesome, i hope to see you there and he was like “I would very much like that as well 😊”
So of course, based on this, i should overthink right? Because of course we’ll hook up and of course he’ll want to date me because of course I’m irresistible. But like.. none of that could be true. Maybe he was just being friendly, and then i made it weird calling him cute outright because he only said my outfit was cute, so really I’m the one who made it weird, and I’ll be super awkward next time i see him because of course i will because i don’t know how to flirt and of course I’ll say something wrong or I’ll be too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough and eveerything will be ruined.
And on top of those anxieties, it’s like, hey, even if all those (unlikely) assumptions are true, like.. am i even looking for a relationship? Like a truly monogamous relationship. Cuz i really like being with my goth couple and hanging out and hooking up with them and i like where the general friendship is going.. and then theres emily and we kinda have a thing right now, and we cuddle and are affectionate but it’s not a relationship and she might be ace so idk... then theres dempsey which is it’s own enormous can of worms that boils down to if we get together again, it’s for the long haul. So yes of course i want that, and i want to be with him again, but at this very moment, i don’t really want to give up my other interactions. Not because i want someone else to be my forever person, but because i want the experiences and i want to be single wnough to be in control of this sort of thing and i am right now, but then enter hot mage and my structure is breaking a little.
No joke this is the 2nd night in a row i have not slept because I’m thinking about him. I keep looking at screenshots of our conversations and this one photo i saved off of his fb because he has such a cute smile..
But I’m overthinking and that’s unhealthy. My therapist said the same thing after i was doing this nonsense when emily and i started hanging out more. I can’t let things sit for a minute. I wanna skip ahead and see how the story ends.
But i can’t really do that here until i see him. Cuz also, I’ve only interacted with Archmaster Kayn, not the real person. And based on his post game post, he is “not his character”. His character was just really suave and a little bit of an asshole but i was like 🤤.. so I’m eager to see what the real guy is like. Also notice i say guy and not his name because *sigh* his name is ryan and i feel like talking about a ryan usually is referring to dempsey so that’s something i gotta get used to.
I like him tho.. he’s so attractive and nerdy and has great hair.. all that’s left is actually talking to him in person out of character and seeing how we mesh then. Maybe he’s not even a little bit interested and i can move on. Or maybe he’s dtf which would be amazing. Or maybe he would want to date and id have to figure out if i want that or not.. or we could just be really good friends.
I’m kinda cool with whatever but i can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t put it out of my mind for long enough to focus on anything else. I can’t focus on school or friendships or any other potential relationship because i keep trying to remember what his voice sounded like, or trying to imagine what his personality is like, or trying think of things to talk to him about when i see him on saturday.. I’m so nervous about all of it.
It’s 6:30 in the morning and i haven’t had a minute of sleep tonight. Is this how it’s going to be until i see him? What if i waste all this sleep and time thinking about him and then i get in person and I’m like, meh. I’m over it. Cuz that’s happened before. I build things up in my head and then I’m disappointed by the outcome. And that wouldn’t even be his fault, cuz like he said, he’s not his character. So maybe i was just fawning over the suave hot mage when in reality he’s nothing like that..
I just can’t let it go. I find him so attractive.. it’s kind of pathetic. Why am i like this. Also, why must i get bored when it’s no longer a hunt?.. that’s probably why I’ve stayed so interested in emily because like nothing is set in stone and so much is up in the air that theres like still some work to do. And my mind likes a challenge. Hence i was gearing up for the long battle of ~make the hot mage fall in love with me over a series of months~ but then he just outright calls me cute and i have no idea what to do.
What if he’s creepy? What if he’s a virgin? What if he has no direction in life? What if he’s 45? What if he actually is an asshole?.. or a fuckboi, cuz christ i do not need another one. That’s why i like the nerdy boys cuz theyre so rarely also undercover assholes. Theyre usually cute and awkward and nervous but the payoff is amazing. Nerds tend to appreciate the hell out of their partners, plus i find them way more attractive usually than the pretty boy/fuckbois of the world.
I just wanna get to know him. I just wanna listen to him talk about magic. I just wanna sit on a park bench with him and talk about magic and maybe touch my knee to his. Really that’s all.
But here i am at almost 7am really just playing out every possible scenario.
What is i invite him over and he thinks my room is childish? Or he notices the rips in my comforter? What is he thinks I’m fat? Or he thinks I’m not as interesting in person and out of character as he thought.. even though my character is basically just me and talks and sounds almost exactly like me.
Still, what if he thinks I’m boring or dumb or since i don’t know game mechanics that I’m not worth talking to. What if xyz?
I really can’t eat or sleep these past two days. I can’t focus. I’m also like really horny cuz i haven’t gotten laid in 3 weeks which is a lot for me, so it’s possible that most of this is projected at poor hot mage because i need to get laid and he called me cute so therefore the hunt is on.
But also maybe i shouldn’t be meddling in peoples lives. When if he turns out to be really sweet and i just stomp in trying to hookup and hurt his feelings. I mean guys do that all the time but it’s different for me. Every guy I’ve hooked up with (except 3 ways with couples) has wanted a relationship with me so i kinda don’t know any better.
I want to sleep. I want to eat something. My stomach is hurting but I’m too tired to get up and feed myself. I just want to talk to him and compliment him and play dumb and pretend like i don’t understand the game mechanics of basic magic so that i can listen to him explain it to me..
What even am i doing
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