the fact that I have to make decisions and choices completely on my own and no one can make them for me is absolutely terrifying and disgusting and painful and I have never been more aware of it than this year.

Life in Rockland 2

[Life in Rockland is a creative writing project utilizing a specific OC in place of the MC for the “Rumors of Rockland” series.  I do not own any part of the Rockland universe, only my OC.  Fair warning, creative writing is not my forte.  This is a means of practice and a fun way to enjoy the content further].

Sasha’s in a much better mood than a few hours ago.  As she settles in for the night though, she’s faced with a small predicament that grows into a much deeper pondering about the day’s events.

Setting: After game events

Play: Rumors of Rockland- Article 2

[Spoilers below for RoR Article 2]

Sasha’s Choices:

[Get Help]

[I get the impression people can get away with a lot around here]

“Speaking”

Thinking

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The sound of tapping filled the room.

Sasha wasn’t typing, just lightly tapping on the top of her laptop while sitting at her desk.

I would have called or texted him by now.  Well I mean it’s late, won’t hurt if it’s not today.  God I wanted to talk about everything though, but…

She sighed and pushed her laptop to the side.  She shifted her chair over to the other side of the desk and reached over to pull a small pot close to her.  

“Hello Hydra~ You’re always a good listener.  Mind hearing me out?  I got a little problem.  It’s supposed to be good to talk to your plants anyway,” she chuckled.

It was a small venus flytrap.  Nothing extravagant, but she loved the bright green stalks and red mouths.  All wide open with the exception of one.

“Oh look at that. Looks like you already found yourself some dinner.  You’re the best bug repellent a girl could ask for.”

She gently petted the closed mouth.

“So see, this town is definitely small.  Pierce wasn’t kidding about running into people again.  I just didn’t expect THIS kind of situation to happen so soon.”

“So let’s run over the details again.  I told Pierce there was a raging alcoholic last time I went to this place.  He said dude was probably being emotional and just blowing smoke, but I should probably keep my distance from wild cards like him anyway.  Yet I ended up having a pretty good time with Avery and Callum tonight.  So I’d like to say bad first impression that led to a misunderstanding and all’s good now.  At least…that’s what I’d LIKE to say.”

Sasha sighed.

Fuck I feel awful even having these thoughts after Avery and Callum were nice enough to get me more familiar with people.

“It’s the middle part that’s killing me a bit here.  I guess I just kind of pushed it to the back of my brain while settling down in the bar.”

“Okay first of all, I don’t regret my actions.  I would hate myself if I hadn’t done SOMETHING.  Callum’s such a sweet guy, and I really feel like he was about to get beaten up.  No offense to him, but he doesn’t exactly look like a fighter.  It was also 2-on-1 anyway.  God, what if they would have killed him out of prejudice?!  Am I overreacting? Maybe, but I don’t know.”  

“But hey, it’s not like I would have made the odds any better if I had joined in myself.  I don’t really have any fighting skills, and something tells me two grown men aren’t going to be that intimidated by 5’4” woman. Not to mention, I don’t sound intimidating at all.  If I had at least SOMEONE else with me, maybe…did that once with Pierce.”

Sasha started reminiscing.

“There actually was one time where Pierce and I came across someone being hassled near a bar.  But Pierce and I approached pretending to be the dude’s friends.  We just made our voices VERY loud about how were happy to see the guy and then said something along the lines of ‘Dude come on, you’re so late.  Everyone’s been waiting, stop holding things up.’  Think we were pretending to be in a hurry.  Pierce literally just cut by the jerks, grabbed the guy’s arm and we just all walked together to the bar while continuing our conversation about our very made up plans.  I was dead afraid those guys were going to jump us from behind, but it never happened. The dude we pulled out of there was definitely grateful.  I thought it was cool, but Pierce told me later that method won’t always work for everyone.  We just got lucky that the guys we came across were the type that didn’t like attention being drawn to their shitty attitudes.  Pierce said some people won’t give a damn though about who sees their nasty side.  So with that in mind and the fact I can’t really act as smoothly as Pierce can anyway…yeah no way I could have jumped in to help Callum without backup.”

That’s a VERY different approach than the one Avery took too…

“Look I don’t know why I didn’t think to just call the police.  I either wasn’t thinking, or I just thought they’d blow me off for it just being drunken bar nonsense that wasn’t even happening in the establishment.”

Now it doesn’t sound like people call the cops much anyway in Rockland.

“I didn’t know Whesker wasn’t there.  I just saw Avery and well…things turned out okay.  But how was I supposed to know he was going to nearly beat the two drunks to death tonight.  It’s not like I care for garbage like that, I just think personally playing executioner to some folks without attempting to even dissolve the situation peacefully first is just…”  Sasha groaned.

“Okay, calm down Sasha. Maybe you’re just overexaggerating the situation.  Just because you heard…bones cracking, doesn’t necessarily mean he would have gone all the way, right?  People can sometimes just be fragile.”  

He said he wanted to snap someone’s neck last week.  He’s not all bark and no bite.

“Fuck, stop Sasha!” She muttered to herself and placed her head in her hands.

“Avery was protecting his friend.  The drunks were homophobic and might have hurt Callum.  Maybe they would have even killed him!  Not like they didn’t earn at least a punch in the face.  Callum’s safe now, and both Avery and Callum treated me so well tonight.  Why the hell am I being so judgmental?”

Because I almost watched two men get murdered in front of me?

“Ridiculous.”

Sounded like stuff like this happens under the radar a lot.

Sasha got up from her desk and heading towards the bathroom. She turned the sink on and started splashing water on her face.  She took a few deep breaths and looked in the mirror.

“Hey, you’re new. Feeling a little jittery is all. You’ve never really known much anywhere other than your own home for most of your life.  It’s a lot of new experiences at once.  …Why the hell am I talking in second person?”

Sasha left the bathroom and sat back in front of Hydra again.

“I’m the new person here. Everyone else has been here for a long time.  I’m more like a guest or intruder at this point.  Sounds like things will only go south for me if I get too nosy or mess with the wrong people.  When have EITHER of those ever been a problem for me?  Hell, I never even drank underage.  Pierce calls me too boring at times too,”  She chuckled.

“Worst crime I feel like I’ve ever done is jaywalking.  And yeah, I know if there’s ever trouble, I’m the type to go to the proper authorities for help.  Whether it was work, school or town life.  But I’m an adult, and if this place is more of a ‘you take care of your own business’ type of deal, I need to respect that and take responsibility for myself.  MOST of the people I’ve come across have been nothing but friendly towards me.  Maybe I need to stop jumping to conclusions. There’s no way that I’m going to be scared off back home by stuff like this.”

I won’t lie, it’ll hurt my pride a little if I move back home just because I didn’t try to fit in.

“Well I’m not sure if I’m being open minded here or too lenient out of naivety.  I AM sure that Pierce would raise an eyebrow though. There’s no way I could explain away how I knew to call out to Avery in the bar.  I didn’t say his name last week, but he’ll remember the alcoholic I mentioned.  Now if this was in our town, Pierce would probably make some kind of weird joke about this.  But I think…he wouldn’t admit it but I think he’s been a little anxious lately that he’s not here with me to watch my back.”

She pet one of Hydra’s heads.

“When we’re together, he likes to poke fun at me and take me to my places that sometimes aren’t in my comfort zone.  But that’s only if he’s confident enough himself that he can get us out of a tight bind we might get into.  He never took to me to anyplace extremely dangerous or introduced me to people he didn’t trust.  He doesn’t know anyone in Rockland.  I’m sure telling him how the possible alcoholic can possibly beat people to death would put him on edge.  Especially since I’ve run into Avery twice now.  Pierce would be nervous about that proximity.”

So I’m fighting between relying on my hometown friend’s judgement and giving new people a chance.  Not to mention putting my own judgement skills to the test here.

Sasha leaned back and hummed to herself.

“So here’s the story. Callum was getting hassled in the alleyway.  I called out to his friend from last week who was having a bad time.  Out of necessity of course.  He came and knocked the drunks away and then Callum, Avery and I had a good time going over the different citizens in town.  There we go.  Short and simple.  Not even a lie.  Why was I even overthinking all this?  If Pierce presses, I’ll just say Avery can look scary.  Dude IS pretty tall too, probably can stare off a lot of people with just a glare.”

Definitely believe he’s not to be messed with.

“I missed the VERY beginning when Avery entered the alleyway anyway.  Callum may have sounded chipper, but who’s to say Avery hadn’t spotted one of the dudes trying to pull a knife or something.  If you’re gonna beat a knife and two guys with just fists, you BETTER act fast.”

Sasha nodded to herself.

“Everything’s fine.  Even the drunks at the end of the day will recover. Hopefully learned a lesson and become better people, but that’s up to them.”

She looked at the clock. It really WAS late.  Sasha stretched her arms and headed over to the closet, looking for some nightwear to change into.

“…but seriously, who the hell is Kinley?”

19. Do they allow Cole to stay? If so, do they let him become more human or more of a spirit?

All my Inquisitors allow Cole to stay because I love him.

Catherina met him as she was trapped inside Envy's "dream", and at first she had a hard time trusting he wasn't part of the illusion and there to trick her. Before really understanding what he was, I think her second reaction was that he felt even younger than he looked, and, in a way, it weirdly soothed her. She had two brothers dying on her in the past, and he reminded her about them a little, even if unconsciously. She had been lost, and suddenly, she was a bit in control again, just enough to wonder if he was fine, just enough to already feel a bit protective of a mysterious ghost too-grown-child.

Once at Haven, well, she lets him stay, but her Templar training agrees with Cullen in thinking it cannot be safe, and it's not like she particularly trusts Solas' opinion on the matter either. He's clearly very opinionated about Spirits, and she doesn't really know what to think about that. Fade and magic are not her forte, and conversations with Solas even less so, but at least it gives the boy a name. "Compassion" sounds too good to be true, but Cole is sweet, gentle, timid, and desperate to help, and after he saved her life, accompanied her through some of her worst fears without judgement she can't really bring herself to doubt his intentions to be good, even if she doesn't agree with all of his ways. He is the first one to say that mercy killings were bad, and Catherina insisted on leaving the Maker to decide if the sick would survive or not.

That being said, she has a peculiar background because her adopted brother, before he died at the Conclave, was merged with a Spirit as well. That doesn't mean she necessarily trusts Cole, if anything she's even more aware of what he's capable of, and, well, he doesn't even have a human side to him, unlike Ilamar had, so it's not a situation she underestimates or pretends to understand.

In time she cannot stop to grow very close to him. He truly does remind her of the brothers she lost, even if he is distinctively other, and the little gestures he gifts her with, the scent of lilac in her room after a long day, her horse never lacking a daily, mysterious portion of carrots. She is grateful, deeply so, to have this.

She makes him more human, in part because Solas says not to, and they have that kind of relationship. But also because that Templar deserved judgment, not forgiveness for the sake of a good gesture, and certainly didn't deserve to forget. Catherina is a believer of scars being a reminder of having to do better the following time. If one forgets they got hurt to begin with, they are just bound to repeat their mistakes.

She cannot judge if being a spirit is better than being a human, and it's barely the point in her opinion. Spirits don't live, and she wants Cole to live, for as long as the Maker will have him.

Ilamar has been merged with a spirit of Love since he wasn't an adult yet, and it brought him all sort of complications in relating with others. He risked losing himself in people's emotions far too many times, a part of him constantly aching to fulfill and soothe at the expense of his own identity, and he decided he was over with it. It means that rather than letting himself being used for his sensitivity to love and other people's need, he just decided to use them for his own benefit instead. He borders on Desire way too often, as his yellowed eyes are proof of it, but it allowed him to keep himself in check, and it's what matters to him most.

So when Cole comes knocking at their doors he can tell the boy is other, but he doesn't really have the time to think about it.

Once they reach Skyhold, well, he rather prefers recruiting Cole than not knowing where he is. It was the same reasoning he applied to the Iron Bull and Dorian, after all, and he understands better than almost anyone what Cole’s deal is, or, well, what his nature implies. He still has no clue of how it came to be that a spirit took a body without possessing anyone, but he trusts Solas would have been able to tell if the spirit boy truly was too unstable to be.

Later he kind of grows to like the boy, even if their attitude towards their own nature are quite opposite and it shows in their early interactions. Ilamar has been wearing masks for years, and he confuses Cole greatly, despite the boy insisting he has a good heart, which in parallel exasperates Ilamar, who doesn't like Cole plucking at his thoughts.

He trusts Solas in making Cole more of a spirit. He doesn't want Cole stuck in an unpleasant limbo the same way Ilamar himself has been and still is. A spirit on its own is free, knows its purpose, is at peace. It's the better option, in Ilamar's opinion. Unburdened by the influence of others, by their expectations, a spirit just is the literal best it can possibly represent.

Kasimir doesn't mind the boy but Cole greatly confuses him to a point where it makes him truly uneasy. He doesn't fault Cole for it, he can tell he's a good guy, but as a dwarf, this whole thing is just of out his comfort zone. Additionally, Cole's behaviors hit Kasimir very intimately, in the way the boy moves, fidgets, behaves. Kasimir does many of those things himself, but also differently enough that Cole's own stims tend to drive Kasimir to a wall. He doesn't fault the guy, and he's happy Varric basically adopted the kid, but he's better at appreciating Cole at a distance.

Kasimir totally trusts Varric' input in raising the boy, -Maker, he has known the man since he was a young boy himself. Basically Cole is family now, and Kasimir thinks of him as a lanky sibling, just the type you kinda tend to ignore by staying in your own room until dinner is ready.

Asala had always been very close to spirits, not to the point Solas is, but she still felt a kinship to them in the years she spent traveling with her father and the Valo Kas, and many spirits helped her learn new magics and see things in the Fade. Her father taught her to be careful, but also to be free, and keeping an open mind had allowed her to grow curious and smart and eager.

Cole and her are quick to grow close, and Asala could hear him and Solas talk for hours. She makes him more of a spirit, even if she grows to miss a bit how he used to be before, despite Solas assuring her he is as happy he can be. Asala makes sure to keep seeking him out, and helps him in his interventions every time she can.

How would you rank the trailers for the four seasons? Or maybe ranking them isn’t so interesting, but I would love to hear your thoughts on them if you haven’t already discussed them!

Thanks for asking! So I love Julie’s trailers because they’re mini movies in themselves. They represent her artistic ambition. If I had to rank them, Isak or Sana’s would be first. Noora’s would probably be last because a dog eating vomit is gross and not something I can watch endlessly, lmao. But they’re all good in terms of communicating their season’s themes in an abstract way.Eva’s trailer: It’s the only one that has voiceover! I don’t know if maybe that’s because she’s the first lead and they wanted someone’s POV to establish the series, like it’s less exciting to have only the music when you don’t know who these people are. But also interesting is that Eva is the character whose arc revolves most heavily around not having her own opinions, and technically our introduction to Eva is her giving us her thoughts. The vibe is this version of girlhood that’s so rosy and idealized, it’s almost comical. Just girls being girls, basking in the sun, sitting in trees and swings with flowers in their hair like woodland nymphs. There’s tinkly music and soft focus as Eva tells us about how important her friends are and how they trust each other. With Ingrid and Sara, Eva’s got this happy place where she’s warm and loved. But of course we know it can’t last. There’s also this like … voyeuristic quality going on, that’s daring people to watch this picture of girlhood. Eva saying the girls kiss each other at parties, and she and Sara looking into the camera - that’s about getting your attention. All of this feels like a performance, an outsider’s view of being a teenage girl, maybe what we often see in media. It’s not real girlhood, which is not all dewy and soft, and Skam is going to show you that in Eva’s season. That’s why, imo, there are parts of the trailer that break this idealized fantasy - Sara making a vulgar gesture, and then the fantasy being broken by Ingrid talking about a picture of Eva on Instagram where she’s apparently wearing something revealing. It’s more “adult” and a transition from girlhood into teenager-hood. (Also, apparently it was Magnus who posted that picture of Eva?? I don’t know if it’s supposed to be THE Magnus but it’s a cool little detail.)Noora’s trailer: The music in this trailer is used in the season itself, so Julie must have really been a fan. Again, an idealized image. Look, it’s Noora, lying in the all-white bed, the sun spilling through the windows. Don’t we all want to wake up like this in the morning? It’s like a pleasant dream. Noora looks like she’s at peace. Until she awakes to see a naked girl in bed beside her. Clearly something she did not expect. (I don’t know if it’s actually meant to be Mari or just a random girl.) So as the music swells, just at the most triumphant part, we get the full picture of the room: people half naked and passed out, a mess of cigarette butts and half-drunk glasses, blow up dolls, vibrating dildos, a dog eating someone’s puke. Decidedly not a peaceful, idealized scenario! Some shit went down last night. Noora is horrified. She checks her body until the covers, and I mean, I’m assuming she’s wondering if she’s had sex, or got up to something that she’d regret, and she must think she didn’t because she seems pretty satisfied. Until William comes in, posing like a model and looking like he’s enjoying the view. He’s probably the last person Noora wants to catch her in this compromising position.There’s obviously some direct foreshadowing to Niko’s party and Noora’s assault in the trailer, down to the music. But it’s also about Noora’s relationship with sex, and her self-image, and how Noora is this very controlled person - she doesn’t drink because of what it does to her, she won’t have sex because of how a bad experience affected her. And she’s in this rosy, safe place until she’s suddenly in this very non-Noora situation where debauchery is all around her. She doesn’t know how she got there. Then of course there’s William - Noora doesn’t really want him to see her like this, but William is going to be the one to meet her out of her comfort zone, where she’ll have to deal with these messy emotions and reconsider her careful attitude. S2 has to do with Noora dealing with a loss of control - both with her falling for William against her judgment, and with the aftermath of her blackout. (Interestingly, Noora is the only lead who doesn’t look into the camera for her trailer. She’s not daring the audience to judge her or take in her performance - Noora really doesn’t want to be seen in her situation, I think.)Isak’s trailer: I once read a really great analysis of Isak’s trailer and I don’t think I could do as much justice as that one (I can’t remember where that analysis was right now, sorry, if anyone knows feel free to leave the link) (ETA: @heihallohadet sent me the links to ravenclawisak’s fantastic trailer analysis, please read part 1 part 2), but here goes. Obviously we have boys messing around in their underwear, splashing water on each other. William gets a tease at the start since people wanted more of him and Noorhelm post-S2 and Julie likes teasing her fans. This is like the gender-flipped version of Eva’s trailer, in some ways? It’s a romanticized version of teenage boys. Well … by “romanticized” I mean “sexualized.” Like, this is a fantasy. It would not be out of place if you stuck a Sean Cody logo on the frame. We have these male characters scantily clad and wet. It takes us about half a minute to see Isak, like oh, he’s here, too. He’s not a participant, but an observer. And he seems to be torn about it. On the one hand, he’s intrigued by the view, he can’t look away. On the other, his body language is awkward and uncomfortable, like he knows he should look away. He quietly observes the strapping male bodies before looking down. Then it’s Jonas who grabs the milk - fittingly, Isak’s first crush that we know of - and throws it, and Isak doesn’t do anything as it comes his way. He doesn’t get up or dodge, he just watches the milk soar over his head and then rain down on him. He lets himself feel it on his face. And you could read into his expression several ways, but to me, he choose to let the milk hit him. Like … he seems kind of rapturous for a moment there. So he’s choosing to indulge in these forbidden feelings, because he wants them even if he can’t act on them. Then he looks into the camera straight at us. With Eva it felt like she was teasing us when she looked into the camera; this is like Isak is daring us to judge him. (I remember this from the other analysis, so I don’t want to take credit for it, but they brought up that the other boys are dousing each other with water, a clear liquid, and Isak gets hit with milk, something that leaves a stain, and it’s like the other boys can frolic around in this homoerotic scenario and not have it mean anything, because they’re straight, but with Isak, his attraction to boys is something that would mark him. Isak is othered in this trailer, by the milk and simply by sitting on the sidelines instead of messing around with the others.)What really gets me about this trailer is the song. I LOVE this choice of song. It’s Nils Bech so of course he’ll represent Isak further on the S3 soundtrack, as it turns out, but also … those lyrics. The LYRICS. There’s just so much fucking longing. Again, Isak is othered: “I am the last one” - he’s the one who can’t find love, or romance, because he can’t get it from the same place as the other boys, and it’s something he’s locked up inside. “Everyone knows how I tried” - Isak tried to do the heterosexual thing, he tried to date girls. But what he’s longing for, in his secret romantic heart, is a real connection with someone he truly likes. “What’s so strange about me”- again, feeling othered, not knowing what to do with this part of himself.  “Can’t I be loved” - evident, despite his other-ness, he wants that genuine love. Why can’t he have what the other boys have? Is there someone who will want him the way he wants? Goddamn, this song gives me stomach pangs. The loneliness, the vulnerability. It makes me so grateful for Isak’s season.Sana’s trailer: AKA the one everyone spent months waiting for. I love this one, either S3 or S4 is my favorite. Now, I will say that this trailer probably altered a lot of fandom’s expectations in a negative way - because we spent so much time waiting for the “clues” to pay off, and reading into it, that some aspects disappointed when they did or did not happen. But as a standalone, I think it’s awesome. First of all, because the music is in reverse, Julie prevented the international fans from being geoblocked, so that was cool, lol. Second, again, AMAZING choice of music. I mean frankly, a lot of people would hear this trailer and think, “OK, this is something Middle Eastern? It sounds … vaguely foreign.” But of course it’s not, it’s actually a song in English played in reverse. And not just any song, but a song where the speaker begs the listener not to misunderstand them. Where they acknowledge that they’re not perfect and that they make mistakes, but “I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.” Don’t judge them, understand them. And that’s completely Sana’s character in S4. She’s dealing with so much, people judge her, things go wrong, and that results in her making bad choices. But Sana is not a bad person. Sana is someone who wants to do good, but sometimes makes mistakes. We don’t understand the song because it’s in reverse, but play it forward and the lyrics become clear. It’s fantastic. There’s the bonus layer of the song being by Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, who converted to Islam in the ‘70s.Moving on to the visuals, of course we have Julie messing with her fans again by showing Even first, as post-S3, many fans were calling for an Even season just as fans wanted a William season post-S2. She gets in that lovely little Evak moment before moving through the girls backwards. A chain reaction that causes chaos. There were so many damn theories about this trailer. Even gets hurt by getting hit with the selfie stick - was social media going to bite him in the ass? Chris has the selfie stick; she hits Even because Eva knocks into her; Eva knocks into her because she trips on Vilde’s pearls (Eva has a beer in hand, would her drinking come into play? Would she trip and “fall” for Vilde, as the Evilde shippers hoped?); Vilde’s pearls scatter because Noora falls against her and grabs the necklace (was Noora going to fall for Vilde? Were Vilde’s pearls broken as a sign of her poor home life coming to light?); Noora falls against Vilde because Sana trips her. All those people fall down because of one deliberate decision by someone we don’t expect to cause trouble, who is known for being the rational, loyal friend. What’s more, Sana smiles about it. Why is she smiling? She wants to cause trouble? What has motivated her to do this? And it all leads to blood.So the chain reaction didn’t play out quite like we predicted, in the end: for example, it’s Isak who gets hit in the face, not Even, the “reverse” of the situation. But not gonna lie, I’m not totally clear on how the rest of this chain happened, like I know how Sana’s actions ended up affecting the other characters and causing a chain of problems like Vilde getting cyberbullied, or Isak getting blamed for the hate account.  To be fair, the trailer is not necessarily supposed to line up exactly with the events of the season - it’s just general foreshadowing about Sana making choices that affect others, and about the theme of being misunderstood. Taken on its own, I adore this trailer, I think it’s got a terrific concept, and Sana gives me chills at the end.

The Unlatching

For years, I was taught to not overshare. My mother was always paranoid that oversharing with others would cause “issues,” - a broad, all-encompassing term meaning a variety of worries - and relayed as much to me from a young age. Her past had led her to (justifiably) mistrust people in general and, without intending it, her issues with trusting and being open rubbed off on me. This left me with deep anxiety surrounding sharing just about anything, worried I had said too much and fearing the repercussions I was sure would come; deeply afraid of what people would think or share with others about what I had said in confidence. It didn’t help that, at different points in my life, it happened that, as I opened up and became close to people, my trust would be betrayed and rumors about me would be spread. I am all too familiar with the feeling of people whispering about me or watching me as I walked past, head bowed and feeling like I would rather disappear than face those gossiping about me.

This shaped my development; my close friendships were few and selective, my feelings towards things were often kept internalized, and I frequently felt literal, days long anxiety and often physical discomfort (which I only realized years later were, in fact, actual panic attacks) whenever I shared anything with anyone. It was hard feeling like I couldn’t quite trust anyone and that I, in turn, had to manage all of my thoughts, emotions, and problems on my own.

My solution to this became writing, in any form; short stories, poetry, music, scripts, diaries, and even partially written novels that never reached fruition. It was a way to share what was going on internally without the worry someone would create “issues” in my personal life. In this way, I could write things to let them out yet keep them still hidden and to myself; or rather I could share my creative writing but keep my work separate from what was going on with me personally when presenting it. When looking back, I distinctly remember myself referring to pen and paper as a friend; talking about how writing was wonderful because notebooks don’t judge you. As a now adult, I have to chuckle at my younger self, but I also feel strange knowing that even as a kid I was so afraid to be open that I felt more comfortable calling paper a friend then people. People were often “acquaintances” rather than “friends,” but paper was dear to me. Even now, I have a deep seated adoration for pretty journals and pens that probably isn’t the best for my wallet.

But as I got older, I realized that, while writing was still a wonderful outlet, it wasn’t enough. I moved and left behind what friends and safety nets I had formed over the years; left with a blank new start and no idea how to even begin. I found socializing with new people to be a terrifying task. It took months before I even worked up the courage to talk to anyone. It was very lonely. But I was so afraid that if I shared about myself, no one would like me, or worse that we would become close only to have them turn around and leave me alone and hurt again. My fear of oversharing lead to me being afraid to share at all and, in turn, left me feeling isolated but also afraid to come out of that isolation. Somehow, this new blank slate felt scarier than living with all the assumptions people already had about me.

But slowly it dawned on me. If no one knew who I was, then I got to decide who that would be; who I would present myself as and become. I could choose to share what I wanted with who I wanted and it was all my choice. While terrifying, that realization was also freeing. And slowly, over time, I had small opportunities to share little bits about myself and chose to take the panic inducing rout and be a slightly more open rather than give generic answers. I still felt the sheer, heart pounding fear every time, but little by little, I came to a place where I could share without immediately wanting to take back everything I had just said (at least most of the time.)

As time went on, I became closer with people than I often had in the past. This didn’t always lead to happy endings and I would sometimes find myself crawling back inside my shell and being more closed off and reserved. There were just so many walls I had built up over so many years of time; so much emotional scar tissue from all the times I had been hurt. But still, each time, I tried to push myself back out of that mentality and regrow into the confidence I needed to be venerable.

I have not, by any means, become completely open. I am still fairly selective about what I share and with whom. But as I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to realize that I hurt myself more by being closed off, and that if me being myself makes people dislike me, then those are not the people I want to be surrounded by. It is a struggle to be fully myself all the time. Fear still creeps up and sometimes eats away at me like when I was younger. I can find myself extremely anxious about whether some things I say will come back and bite me; whether those I now consider friends truly like me or what they say or think about me when I’m not around. It even presents itself in my relationship at times, making it hard to be open about my feelings right in the moment despite my absolute trust and desire to be completely venerable (which my, thankfully, tremendously gracious boyfriend is very understanding of). In fact, through my relationship with this wonderful man, we have slowly grown together, and he has patiently helped me to learn more about myself. Our many conversations have brought about greater understanding and have opened my eyes to some things I didn’t know I did, allowing me to be more honest with myself about these things.

I myself hadn’t realized just how much I still had trouble sharing as I was still far more open than in the past. But I found that I often shared thing retrospectively, taking long times to process and formulate my thoughts rather than open up about how I felt as I felt it; afraid my initial reaction would be the wrong one, even if it was what I was feeling at the time. I had trouble verbalizing my feelings sometimes for fear of what others would do knowing I felt that way. I realized that I sometimes pushed my true feelings away from even myself. How it was more than just a fear of what others thought of me, but also what I thought of me. It showed me how deeply these worries actually ran. I realized that I had been afraid of all these unspoken, unnamed “issues” presenting themselves so much for so long that I had created a different set of issues for myself. Little things I hadn’t seen as connected before began to click.

Like how around middle school, a bunch of things happening in my life brought some underlying problems - ones I didn’t really know I had at the time - to a head and I developed deep anxiety and depression. But for years, I was afraid to share this fact for a variety of reasons, one of which was simply the fear of what unknown consequences sharing would bring; more gossip, family drama, or worse, maybe everyone would just think I was making it up. So, I learned to try and manage it on my own. But it built up a gross amount of underlying issues that only grew worse by not sharing what I was going through; problems that now see are interconnected and I am left to try and undo, like this big tangle of mental health problems all knotted together. And I’ve come to accept that part of that process of undoing - or rather moving forward - has become learning to be even more open and candid with myself and with others; truly venerable, rather than my exclusive, selective, formulaic sharing of the past.

Which brings me to where I am now, sitting at this computer and typing the words you are hopefully still reading. This whole long winded story is all just an introduction as to why this little part of the internet now exists.

You see, I have a blog already. A stupid one I made years ago to post random little pictures on and share my obsession over boy-band members and strange quotes. But I allowed people I once knew on there and so never could quite feel comfortable being completely candid. And I’ve tried writing in diaries buy I often stress over missing days and find that I wish my feelings could be shared in a more open format… but not with the people that truly know me. (Those thoughts must still be somewhat filtered to keep life in order.) So, I thought, why not here? A blog where no one knows me to judge me but where some may find comfort or comradery in knowing someone else relates to how they feel. I want this to be a forum for sharing life without fearing that life will suddenly swallow me whole for thinking a certain way. A place to be completely candid when talking about stupid things or serious ones. Somewhere to feel safe and be honest about fears and fuckups and unrealistic wants and dreams. An open letter of sorts.

And while this will allow me to share openly, it will also provide a source for truthful conversation, a no judgment zone.

A safe place.

A place to grow.

To become.

Like a flower, trying it’s hardest to blossom, I will still work tirelessly to open up; to unfurl, slowly; to become completely accepting of myself and not allow fear to dictate that desire.

And I’d love for you to join me on that journey. I don’t know what I’m going to post here or exactly what I’m doing, but I know that I want this place to exist.

So, if you’ve made it through all of that, thank you for reading. I hope you’ll stay.

Either way, I wish you the best. Keep growing and becoming. Be thankful for the you of yesterday, because it helped you be who you are today, and grateful for who you are right now because it is helping you grow into who you want to be tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that. Never forget that, okay?

I hope you have a beautiful day.

~B