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stil-lindigo · 10 days

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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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smille-c · 4 months

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<3 emotionaly destroyed

#did i make this tweet? yes #did i hurt myself in the process?#unfortunatly yes #qsmp #smille mumble #qsmp pepito

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mygirljunhee · 1 year

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thank you, moonbin. rest in peace.

#moonbin #it's been an emotional few days and I've had so much trouble processing and dealing with this #I got into kpop in one of the lowest moments in my life - and it/the community has helped me get through more than I thought I could #Moonbin and Astro were a huge part of that #This hurt - it hurt a lot more than I thought it ever would #I can't even begin to imagine what Sua - the rest of Moonbin's family - Astro & his close friends are feeling #All of my thoughts are with them #And to every other fan struggling with this: you aren't alone #And if anyone needs to talk - please reach out #I know there are a lot of incredible fans on here who are willing to help - and I'll do my best to make myself available for anyone #addy.gifs

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cookkoo · 5 months

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CW: Blood

Drawtober 2023 day 27: Beast

Let's go wild!

Previous days: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24][25][26]

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brown-little-robin · 3 months

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あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up.#this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY.#it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's—#hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker.......#I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!!#WAH!!!!#I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

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astranauticus · 3 months

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(spoilers up to orv chapter 270) (sort of?)

you ever just kinda. suddenly realise what you're listening to

#omniscient reader's viewpoint #omniscent reader #orv spoilers #orv #kim dokja #yoo joonghyuk #art i made #the first hyperlink is to the song on youtube the second one is to my translation btw #that caption was not an exaggeration i was deadass like walking back from class with my spotify on shuffle and kinda like #tuned back in to what was playing in my ears and just had a kinda. HOLD UP WAIT A FUCKIN SECOND #honestly the whole song is kinda yjh if you squint and like for what its worth literally the only reason this is tied to like #that scene from 269 specifically is bc i literally just read that part today so it was really fresh in my brain #god the process of making this was so strange too bc i did it in almost one sitting except i had a fuckin SPORTS EVENT of all things #in the evening so it was like. 3 hours straight of doing this 2 hours of playing sportsball of all things then another 3 hours of this #so now i am physically mentally AND emotionally drained! genuinely couldntve had a more exhausting consecutive 8 hours if i tried #btw fun fact in the spirit of like. making life easier for myself all of yjh's flashback frames or whatever are webtoon panel redraws #except for that last one obviously cuz the webtoon isnt there yet (which. wow the processing of drawing that was. very painful)#but its like. I AM THE WAY THAT I AM if given the chance to draw to my knowledge one of the most tragic moments from the story I WILL DO IT #ok looking back theres a bunch of editing errors but also i just. really need to go do my ACTUAL FUCKIN WORK LMAO #god my arm hurts #hmmm i might clean up that 10 scenario sketch later on. i kinda like how the wings turned out #and also kdj's dipshit expression.

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8rujaa · 15 days

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my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this.#like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible.#i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’#i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’#she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’#i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength.#yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help.#the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened.#my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’#LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’#she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help)#im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

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cowboyskeletons · 4 months

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"i'm sorry."

#dndads #dndads spoilers #immediately started drawing after sparrow said sorry. immediately. i am not well about the oak family #doodling is how i process podcasts i suppose. hoorah #i'm sorry-- i love you--#it hurts to love you but my love is unfaltering #also gotta hurt to be unforgiven after years of henry trying to make amends with lark yeouch #it explains the hug!#also where was birdie??? i was promised birdie?????#so hey guys how was the episode #(i can't draw side profiles save me from myself)#EDITED BECAUSE I FORGOT THE BAND-AIDS !!

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calamity-bean · 6 months

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i want a tattoo so bad. i want to chop off all my hair so bad. the periodic urge to transform oneself. the endless march of routine routine routine and the neeeeeed to shake off the doldrums, just to CHANGE something, just to bookmark the days of my life with some kind of change!!!

#i keep meaning to make a hair appt i've just been so busy #and honestly i really wanna just cut it off myself... like i want the catharsis of DOING the cutting not just the catharsis of the cut #as for a tattoo...... i've got ideas of what i want but it feels like there are such big mental barriers to getting one's very first one #like how do i pick an artist what's the design process like what if it hurts too much etc.... i'm a worrywart about logistics like this #maybe i'll just get another piercing; i know what that's like at least #op

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dirtytransmasc · 1 year

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I don't have a title for this, I barely know what it is. it popped into my skull and I need it out, I need it out asap, cause its hurting me.

~~~

Quaritch and Spider are both dead.

Quaritch had been watching, bonding with the boy from a distance. Even if the kid hated him, he was growing on him, making him soft. The boy's well-being quickly became the up most priority. Despite this, Spider manages to sustain a fatal injury in battle, right in front of Quaritch, right in front of his father.

Quaritch gives himself up, offers his life for spiders, begging Jake and Neytiri, anyone who will listen, to save his son. to their credit, they try, they really try, but Spider is too far gone, and all they can do is give him one last moment with his dad. All Quaritch can think to say is that he sees him, he sees his son, he sees who he a mix of pure human and Na'vi essence.

After he loses Spider, he gives his life to Neytiri, and tells her to make it painful (he knows now, he knows the pain of a child's death, your son's death, nothing will ever compare, nothing will match that pain. death, no matter how painful Neytiri made, was bliss to him), takes his death sentence with open arms (he doesn't want to live in a world without his son). He embraces the afterlife with open arms (he never gave life after death much thought; he didn't care if there was a heaven or hell, didn't care where he was going. He already knew if they did exist. But now he had Eywa to question and a son to worry about. he wanted to be with his son, but how hard he would wish for that fate would vary depending on where he goes next).

And when he wakes, he's surrounded by white light, it embraces him. He's standing in front of a Na'vi boy; he's somewhat shorter than Quaritch himself, his locked hair is black, but not like other Na'vi (it's lighter somehow), and his face is familiar.

It comes to him quickly, this is his son, this is Spider; they are in Eywa, or in whatever afterlife she grants her people, and she had given spider the one thing he truly wanted. He was Na'vi now.

It's slow, both are hesitant to move or even breathe too hard, scared one wrong move, and this all fades away. Spider stares at himself with wonder, then his dad, then their surroundings. Quaritch can only look at his son, his beautiful boy who he had already lost too many times.

All at once, he can't stop himself from scooping Spider up, it's harder now, he's not so small anymore, but he manages. he holds his boy like he's gonna disappear, and Spider clings to him.

"I see you," their last words to each other echoed back to them in unison.

for a moment, they pretend, pretend they're not dead, pretend everything is as it should be (maybe it is). Spider tackles his dad, and Quaritch lets him pin him, only lightly batting at him in response. He watches as his boy tests out all his new features; flicking his ears, wagging his tail, hissing even. There's such an innocence to it, and Quaritch soaks it up. but then something changes, spider stills, sits up (still in his father's lap) and reaches for his braid.

He doesn't even ask; it's clear what he wants, but he speaks anyway.

"Eywa can only hold us hear so long, y'know, the whole 'everything's born twice' thing... I just want... just before you go," he can't bring himself to say it, but he gives some damn good puppy dog eyes.

Quaritch has only bonded with his Ikran before, he has no idea what to really do or expect, but he doesn't hesitate to oblige his son. He's slow, gentle, as he binds their tswin.

It's so overwhelming, even for Quaritch, who has bonded before, but Spider practically faints into him. There's so much to feel; emotions, memories, thoughts, love. Spider drowns in it. It's all he's ever wanted, connection, love, acceptance. He feels his father's love for him, the fear that lingered in the older man, and all the while, his father is holding him, cradling him like a baby (like the baby he never got to hold, who he only has memories of his original self hurting, who he wished he could have treated better).

They cling to each other, like they're part of a desperate tragedy (maybe they are) even as the light overtakes them, as they are reborn, but that's ok. They trust Eywa; if they belong together, they'll be together.

#ow #I hurt myself in the process of writing this #just know quaritch was crying like a little bitch the whole time #spider was too #he's just better at hiding it behind those puppy dog eyes #I just want them to love eachother #miles spider socorro #miles socorro #spider socorro #spider avatar #avatar spider #quaritch #they're my fucked up father/son duo #also before anyone tries to make this weird #parents bond with their children when they're young #but they didn't get that chance #so they get it now #avatar 2

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kkoct-ik · 4 months

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how are you supposed to react to the realisation that your parent is like actually abusive

#kostik speaks #this is not the first time. or the second. or the. i just keep realising this and then forgetting to protect myself #abuse #domestic abuse #for cw #im processing today that its not normal for your parent to not care about your feelings or pain at all #like them hurting you for hours because theyre angry and not caring because the only thing that matters is that theyre mad at you #im realising that might not be normal #my household is shit in a lot of other ways but my mum situation is really difficult for me to process #at least with house being bad its kinda nebulous and a feeling #processing that my mum mistreats me and all her kids is kind of realer and uh. therefore harder #i dont get it #why cant she be normal #why cant she be nice?? i dunno. i genuinely cannot fathom a mum being nice or fair or even #its just relentless rage or offense the moment you make a mistake or make her look bad #as long as youre helpful and make her look good shes fine #but god forbid youre a child and make a mistake because youre a child. god forbid you be autistic and struggle #i dont understand its so inconsistent. sometimes she sounds like she cares. she advocates for all sorts of stuff #but if shes mad at you youre not a person anymore. you dont deserve rights or dignity or sympathy. i dont get it #and christ it doesnt take much for her to be mad at you. she never lets go grudges anyway so you never know when itll come #sorry for abuse posting i recently came back from home and had therapy about it and then a chat with my flatmate about abusive parenting #my brain is working

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seventeendeer · 1 year

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I wish people on here talked more about social media addiction without finishing off with “and that’s why you guys are acting like idiots, go fix that so you’ll stop embarrassing yourselves and inconveniencing other people”

addiction is addiction. it doesn’t usually appear out of nowhere, it’s a coping mechanism someone develops because they’re trying to survive something else - stress, loneliness, illness, the usual. survivors of substance abuse get a decent amount of support on here, but I really think we need to extend that same understanding and support to people who, say, fell in the twitter scroll hole because they’re stuck in an abusive job with no way out that won't lead to homelessness.

that new gorillaz song, sillent running, completely blindsided me because it may well be the first time I’ve seen anyone talk about what causes social media addiction and the emotional journey from “here’s somewhere I can escape to” to “this isn’t an escape anymore, it’s worse than what I was running from, but now I can’t get out.” in so many years of overhearing this discussion, why is this the first time I’m seeing someone fully empathize with the actual people we’re talking about without shaming them in the same breath

#deerchatter #i've never considered myself outright addicted to social media because i wasn't being Annoying Online like Those People #but that song hit me so hard i'm sincerely looking back on previous periods in my life in a completely new way #like im fine now my scroll time is way down and im making sure im having fun when i do do it but in the past?#yeah actually definitely. definitely addiction. just because i wasn't hurting others in the process doesn't mean it wasn't hurting me #side note go listen to the new gorillaz album Cracker Island it fucking rules #may be my personal favorite since Demon Days

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quodekash · 1 year

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im rewatching the no one else like me music video bc the brainworms are writhing, and it keeps randomly hitting me, over and over again, that

a) those flashbacks happened. they HAPPENED. soundwin actually DID THAT, in ACTUAL CANON?? THEY CANONICALLY ARE IN LOVE WHY DO THEY KILL ME SO MUCH

b) SOUNDWIN ARE FREAKING BOYFRIENDS NOW?????

c) NEXT EPISODE IS THE LAST EPISODE?????????

idk how the flip im supposed to survive without this silly little band every single week

surely theyll renew it for a second season

or just a soundwin spinoff pls

so many of us have asked for it I NEED IT OH MY GOSH

like. this show has killed me twelve times over. but without the show, i think i might literally cease to exist. i know ive said it a lot, but i genuinely dont know how the flip im gonna get through life without new canonical soundwin content filling my screen and brain every single friday night / saturday morning

(and literally while i was typing this out, captain posted this

HE FREAKING GETS IT BRO)

#sorry this post is a mess i just genuinely dont know what to do with myself #how the flip is it already nearly over #in the past ive been glad for time passing quickly bc IT FEELS LIKE LAST EPISODE JUST CAME OUT AND THE NEXT ONE IS IN TWO DAYS #but now i just want time to slow down please #not just cos the last three years have gone way too fast and i still feel like im five years younger than i am #and not just cos im still trying to process 2020 and its literally nearly march of 20freaking23 #but also cos the show like. just started. and now its gonna be freaking OVER in THREE DAYS???#it genuinely doesnt make sense in my mind and it physically hurts to think about and i cant process it and im so scared for it to be over #this is my comfort show. comfort characters. comfort actors. comfort ship.#im never gonna feel comfort again when its gone #(thats a lie ill find a new hyperfixation and then ill be fine BUT between hyperfixations is always pure hell)#soundwin #winsound #satangwinny #winnysatang #my school president #my school president the series #no one else like me #help im not okay

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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

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...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

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dilfpassing · 1 year

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if u finish reading the catcher in the rye and walk away going “ugh holden caulfield is such a spoiled rich kid” i am going to scream so loud into your face that your eardrums explode

#did you read the fucking book #sorry i just cried over holden caulfield in real life and im making myself angry #its just so upsetting to me how a so clearly empathetic traumatized abused kid who is so lost and overwhelmed by life gets so little #sympathy from most audiences #people want to approach it with the mindset that holden caulfield is acting like hes the saddest worst off person on the planet #and they judge the book by saying his position isnt the lowest on the totem pole so his complaints are invalid and not worth anyones time #and thats not... the point... of the book.......#holden is supposed to represent basically young men with ptsd who have no idea how to process their trauma or emotions #people with trauma who act in self destructive ways because theyre suicidal and lost #people who have been hurt so badly that the thought of others losing their innocence is enough to drive them to tears #holdens dream is to keep others from experiencing the hurt he feels #he fumbles his way through life because he doesnt think hes worth anything #hes such a deeply empathetic character and i just. GRAAHH.......

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 6 days

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trying to get better is so fucking frustrating

#i will do it. because i owe it to myself and i also want to do it partially out of spite. fuck them for thinking that i wouldnt get anywhere #it’s also like. doing this is making me change. realising more of my self worth is making me change. thinking more about my words and #actions is making me change. all of this is making me into a new version of myself. and it’s not a bad version or a worse version but it is #different. the hardest thing is going to be setting boundaries because i have people in my life that need to work through their own stuff #and i know setting boundaries might hurt them but also it needs to be done #ive been talking to my mum a lot and it’s just been nice in a lot of ways. i’m more honest now about some of my boundaries #but i can also talk through things with her that ive realised recently. and holy shit have i realised a lot #it’s a process. it’s frustrating and it sucks but it’s not as and it needs to be done #that last tag was supposed to be ‘it’s not bad’ not ‘it’s not as’. oops

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