Someone (a stranger) ever do something that annoys and pisses you off so much that even over a year later you refuse to rb anything with them on it even going so far as clicking the rb before them to rb a post?

tr*uma is so weird. its similar to how id forget most of the Bad years when i was a teenager and my mom was the worst person in my head to me for yrs.. like the critical voice the person who brought me down, i thought she hated me, the way she raised us was by being mean and i did not view her as an emotionally safe person at all and the way i learned to process emotions and conflict was by Not processing it during these years where nothing was ever talked about, no apologies, if u get yelled at u dont talk back, if u cry youre weak or manipulative or trying to be pitied, stuff like that and even when i talk abt it now it almsot feels as if it didnt happen bc it was a while ago and i blocked that part of my pivotal yrs in adolescence out bc it doesnt serve me and i accepted the past and all. but when i think back on it i dont remember much of it anymore its just like a bad dream u dont remember rhe details, maybe some significant events i remember like a couple fights or past memories but not too much i just remember like that it happened bc ive talked abt it or bc i used to talk to my friends abt it or complain abt it online ik it happened but it almost doesnt feel like it did and i cant actually remember very well and its like i only know it happened bc i know i had that dream? but no details or only vague plot points and i remember residual feelings but its very hazy. i think its better that way in a way bc it doesnt hurt as much anymore but it used to fuck me up when i was younger and trying to process how i grew up and the relationship w my mother n shit and idk i still feel weird abt it but its not the biggest problem in my life rn

but its similar to how i think abt traumatic things w my ex i know they happened since its a little more fresh theres a handful of specific memories i can recount like 60% of what happened but ofc small details or every single thing said or done i dnt remember all of it and theres probably a lot of stuff my brain has forgotten or locked away and that kind of scares me. bc there was so much chaos and suffering in an unsustainable environment where i was constantly in crisis mode and my mental health at its worse i know i was slowly dying being boiled alive and i remember some stuff like all those specific things ive bitched abt on here i hold onto bc i dont want to forget bc itll freak me out if i do. and ik theres more i have forgotten which makes me feel weird. cuz i question myself and feel less valid when my memory cant retain every detail and i question if it even happened. idk does this make sense

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

time for more wacky murder adventures 

------

love saionji just always saying the most fucked up shit 

they had to set up a camera system to communicate as a precaution to avoid spreading a disease

that sure is, uh, something, isnt it :’   ) 

why though

why are we even wasting effort on him. would it count as a murder if they let him die? like its specifically monokuma’s fault he’s sick with the despair disease or whatever, so if he just Died wouldn’t it be monokuma’s fault. why bother 

they happen to have a nurse here but i dont see why monokuma’s disease should be tsumiki’s responsibility 

like obviously they want to do everything they can for ibuki and owari, they’re their friends, their wellbeing is motivation enough but KOMAEDA???? THE FUCKER WHO WE KNOW ALREADY ATTEMPTED MURDER ONCE??????

:(   :(   :(   :( 

i knew this was about to happen and i knew who the killer was but i completely forgot ALL the details of this case so i was just about as much in the dark as everyone else. i could NOT remember how the fuck any of this happened 

i mean that’s. objectively not true. this has happened a significant number of times now. it is very much possible 

i have NO MEMORY of this 

gundam what the fuck are you talking about 

not a fan of her just interjecting awww im so useless and stupid :( there’s no way i could ever do it :( : ( when I KNOW ITS YOU, 

i could not fucking remember WHY it was her though i just knew that it Was 

god i am getting so tired of these mid-trial minigames :’) :’) like... why is this necessary. why are my mental skateboarding skills important to arriving at the logical conclusion here 

that and i forget how the controls work every single time, its not very intuitive or very well explained, like. the skateboarding one is okay but then you get into the sword battle thing and its like 

“this person has become hostile, we can’t continue the discussion until we get them to chill. use the arrow keys to shoot down their statements in the direction they appear from. succeed at that enough times and eventually they’ll say something you can refute with one of your Truth Swords Of Logic. but it’s a different key to use the truth sword. if you shoot down the statement with an arrow key instead you fail. you have to remember to select the right sword and do the right attack thing at the right time. this is a split second interval and if you react too fast and do the wrong thing you have to start over. also they are screaming at you and the screen is flashing during all this. everything is very loud and very fast” 

what does this Mean

also im pretty sure the voice actor said “moth balls” on this line

agreed, we should scrap that rule so komaeda can get dead too next time 

all in favor of literally anything that could get this guy out of here 

also love every character just exactly as sick of komaeda’s shit as i am 

“the stepladder was completely clean!!” (shows a picture of the stepladder with clear, visible blood splatters) OKAY

i mean ok yes, in this particular instance, he didn’t do anything, but he’s very much still a criminal. he still attempted murder in the first chapter. if he hadn’t attempted murder then the first death wouldn’t have happened. he’s still responsible for it in my book even if he wasn’t technically the one who committed the act of killing the first victim himself. he Intended To 

“that video that Only Hinata Saw? i remember it clearly” you’re really just digging your own grave here, 

i dont understand her obsessively begging for forgiveness throughout this trial once she becomes the primary suspect bc like. she’s not saying “I did it, but you should all forgive me and let it go :( “ she’s. saying she Didn’t do it and they shouldn’t accuse her. she’s not. asking for Forgiveness. she’s asking to be dropped from the questioning. like. forgive you for what exactly, tsumiki, 

does anyone else get really irrationally paranoid that they’re totally making up random memories especially if you don’t have someone else to verbally corroborate it or don’t want to ask like ALL my memories feel fake unless someone else remembers it and we talk about it which is really fucking weird for me to experience because i remember SO much shit and as far as i know i’ve never had any significant false memories however i HAVE been TOLD my real memories are false. which is clearly the source of this problem. also a lot of details from my life are just weird and sometimes i feel like people think im lying about it. that bothers me less bc people who know me couldn’t possibly think that but the idea of having false memories is so terrifying to me

feel like info-dumping so here’s a post about where i put the kotor characters post-kotor & what i want to explore in my post-kotor 2 fic wrt each of them (maybe ill talk a bit about some of the ocs in it too, there are 4 main ones at present!)

the character ive put by far the most thought into is bastila. i feel like, for bastila, what’s left most unanswered from kotor is the after-math of malak’s torture & her fall. where does she stand with the jedi? where does she stand within her own sense of self? how does she feel about revan, both in their relationship & with revan having left her behind?

i dont have bastila being pregnant bc i think that was a terrible decision both narratively and in terms of bastila’s character (lol), but vaner is still a part of her story! i wont go into detail bc of spoilers, but in this story vay is bastila’s adopted son & in helping him with some of his issues she comes to term with some of her own bc im a big sucker for that shit

the next character would be the exile. something that i think’s interesting about the exile is her sense of duty. she’s gone from the jedi order, to the revanchists, to kreia, and back to revan. the only time she wasn’t dutifully working was during her exile. so i want to explore that a bit, and also of course her ptsd, and how those two things intersect. there’s also a lot to explore with regards to her relationship with revan, past present & future

another big thing i want to explore with the exile, which links in to the duty thing, is her sense of identity, especially with regards to kreia & kreia’s teachings. one of my favourite things about kreia was how she wanted the exile to improve her teachings- so i want to show that happen. i want to show the exile considering everything kreia stood for, and determining what works and what doesn’t, and forming her own identity in there. she isn’t kreia’s student and she isn’t revan’s general- she is herself, and she’s going to learn how to own that properly

next up is the war criminal themself, revan! for the first part of the story, which is what’s the most fleshed out, revan isn’t actually present much at all lmao. but the main thing i want to explore with revan is identity. they have bits and pieces of memory back, but nothing really solid. i want to explore what makes someone who they are, and if you can still be considered the same when you cant remember your past. and also, justice a little bit- should you be held accountable for past crimes when you dont even remember them?

revan’s relationships with the exile & bastila are very important ones, with the exile bein a representive of the past that revan doesnt remember, and bastila being a representive of the past that revan does remember (...but also tried to run way from). there’s one other character who’s important to revan’s story in this fic, an oc called kae, who represents revan’s present. she is a baby who can do no wrong

ive come up with where i want everyone significant from kotor i & ii to be, but those are the ones who ive got the most clear & fleshed out &, aside from visas who is Up There with them, are the ones with the biggest roles in the story

CALLOUT FOR MARS / BARON / ROCCO / MIMI / PIPPI / MARIA WHO CURRENTLY OWNS @VINYLBITCHIN + @HANDFUCKIING + @FLESHPRAY + @SHESCHISM + BUNKERKEPT . CONTENT WARNING FOR ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, RACEFAKING, ETC.
 


a quick introduction though i'm kinda uncomfortable, im 17 i run a few blogs on this hellsite and i have some concerns for people's safety. this isn't a petty post either, is genuinely fearful for myself and others she's abused in the past and will continue to do so and it's about time we all came out about this because it's gone on way too long and i blame myself more than anything for holding back. i just felt unsafe and i do more so now but it's worth other people's safety. and everybody knows i'm definitely not one to do something like this and i've had such a hard time coming out about this from guilt. i want to make this short and to the point. i don't wanna take up too much time because we could go off for hours about all of her drastic lies like how she supposedly got hypothermia in 45 degree weather or how she lied about being in a s.chool s.hooting ( one , two , three ) ironically she had sent me a fanfiction of the c.olumbine s.hooters in the past and guilt tripped me the moment i said it wasn't right. or the time she told me she was taken hostage which i might have stayed believing if it weren't for the fact she was roleplaying with a character from that movie on her @lleeta blog not too long ago ( one , two , three ) but anyway.

im never gonna be able to recover completely but i want to reach out and warn people. me and others have gone through her explicit / obsessive / rape roleplays but i can fucking guarantee no matter how many times i was ( or the others ) guilt tripped into saying YES despite how uncomfortable i was but couldn't tell her , she does still do them from what i know. she tends to warp characters ( other muns put in these scenarios have told me the same thing bc she did it to multiple people ) to make them far more obsessive / creepy then they are even meant to be. i'll start out by saying ive known rocco since the end of 2015 or so and we instantly became friends. we quickly made our ocs out to be affiliated, though they were SUPPOSED to be father and daughter (and often i would let her portray an oc i of mine who is supposed to be a love interest), she would always propose obsessive rape plots, and even an explicit plot of a forced marriage au between the father and daughter muses which was clear she wanted to lead to smut (warning for a graphic detail i can't get out of my fucking head was her saying she could imagine hannah / the daughter on her knees being forced to unbuckle his belt but said it as if it were almost ? something she got ? in a way , excited over ??) of course i don't have many screenshots of these things especially because i was isolated by her for about a year at the time , trusted her , and no matter how sick or anxious ive felt getting her messages i didn't really know i had the choice to come out about it , especially considering how hostile she would be when i had friends or even my ex .

( one , two , three , four , five ) we were actually dating at this time, which was a relationship i was basically forced / guilt tripped in after saying no countless times. she would often numb me down when i would say no to things, whether it was her asking to be in a relationship with me or even roleplay, in which at one point i've counted 20+ screenshots of her constantly begging even though i had just declined. at this time is when i was isolated so i don't the have exact proof because again, i didn't know about the abuse going on in front of my face and i didn't known what to do about it. she would constantly guilt trip me over these things and i felt very vulnerable though i do tend to play things off when i'm uncomfortable.

now i'll move on to some more recent -ish shit or at least things i haven't completely blocked out from my memory since that's most of what i have. we've been friends on and off because she had eventually set me off, our first fight being me angry that she couldn't handle when i declined her roleplays. so it's been a long cycle of me blocking her from discomfort, only for her to constantly make or log into old blogs to try and contact me to manipulate me into friendship again. and it worked. too many times. after all of that, she began to test boundaries which is something she usually does. this included throwing attitude for no reason ( i remember a time i was supposed to be making her icons and couldn't at the time and her response was "it's not that fucking hard" // she's even sent me a screenshot herself before of her in a groupchat where one of the participants had said something and told them "literally nobody cares" and expected me to comfort her after that ) + saying things she knows is wrong + stealing or making blatant rip offs of my original character ( one , two , of course there are far more instances like the time she ran @viirginblood but that's not the point of this post so i'm skipping over that ) + bringing up my past relationships / sometimes family or financial issues + constantly bringing up the fact we got in fights i was trying to move past or try to make me feel bad if i didn't reply right away ( one , two , three , four , five / she also acted very controlling to me any time i wouldn't answer so i would be forced to give an explaination and she would pretend it wasn't just her being "worried" ) + manipulating her into following her / bossing me into doing things she wanted ( one , two ). even some new information came to light that i was completely oblivious to; obviously any time i had a friend or a significant other she had no problem portraying blatant jealousy, i was also informed she was acting possessive of me even when i wasn't around, when i was actually NOT TALKING TO HER AT ALL ( one , two ) . which really freaked me the fuck out.

she would also constantly TRY to spite me when we weren't friends. she's admitted it. she's also admitted in a group call, that i still have contact with one of the participants, that she stalked me when we stopped talking and got her friends to "keep tabs on me" i was also informed of her stalking another minor not too long ago and going back to the spite stealing, it wasn't just one oc, it was concept ideas, urls, even going as far to LITERALLY flat out steal the oc i let her portray ( the one she obsessively wrote out rape roleplays with ) , lied by saying it was a "misunderstanding".

shes also is a rapist and pedophile apologist ! she roleplayed dolores of l.olita and a few people including myself can recall her literally posting / asking for a humbert to roleplay with. i don't know a lot about the film / book itself but i DO know humbert is the pedophile who abused dolores. here's some screenshots of her not only apologizing his actions burn theowing a pity party over it, claiming shen had a right to roleplay dolores getting, what i imagine must have been sexually abused ( one , two , three ).

her relationship with her ex, ( for those of you who don't know ollie you can probably easily find some information on him as a fill in on what he's done / warning for rape ) ,   she helped him catfish / fake his identity to hide what he did, shows hostility toward the rape victim and shows behavior of a rapist apologist again + talked some nasty transphobic shit about me , not to mention again , i'm underage so that's weird that it's focused on my body especially considering she's 18 here, not to mention she's not still obsessing over me when we aren't talking ( one , two ) + on her @roccospeaks blog she had a while back , she deleted the posts but i'm sure plenty of people saw that she and others were claiming that ollie was FAKING A TRANS IDENTITY ( and this isn't a kiss ass moment to him, i'm just pointing this out: this was after she made those transphobic remarks about me so i highly doubt she can blame her transphobia on being "drunk" here ) because he was wearing makeup and had a feminine appearance . i'm pretty sure the post is still floating about somewhere so if you can find it, it's all there . she continued to focus on me despite we weren't talking, blamed me for being the source of her suicidal tendencies that she's had since i've known her, ironically though she's also told me i'm the reason she says alive in the past — and something she thinks blocking her for comfort is a manipulation tactic or game to her ?? / that and here's some of her guilt tripping all because i soft blocked her ( one , two , three )

i had also recently ended a relationship with an ex of mine , which wasn't ANY of her business but she constantly brought her up plenty of times. as shown above, she's was insisting that my vague posts about ending my relationship were about her no matter what i said ( one , two , three ) + doing so either herself or i suspect getting ollie or his friends to send me anons about MY relationship because i didn't tell anybody else about it, but she sure as hell did ! all while putting blame on me ( one , two )

here are some messages i have of someone informing me she was actually racefaking ! and the funny thing about this is she's white. or at least from what i know? i know she has indeed sent me a link to a post before of a black mun venting about white people or smth like that which was NONE of my fucking business esp considering i wasn't following this person and she told me after sending me the link to the post "i thought i could trust them" where she tried tin get me to comfort her ?? this is also interesting, here she is talking about a minor, THREATENING THAT SAME MINOR, not to mention dissing sex workers and putting an input on reverse racism.

heres more of her obsessive / controlling behaviors over not letting people follow / interact with me out of sheer spite and not wanting them to be able to know what she has done ( one , two , three , four , five , six , though there's many more i lost ) here's more evidence of her interest in writing problematic issues / warning for rape ( one , two ) i have many more screenshots of her situations with ollie but chose not to post them; however if you would like to see them you can ask me, it's just her encouraging him to hack me plus some gaslighting aftermath shen sent me on mun personal when things didn't go her way.

she has also lied about her age to smut multiple times in the past , claimed to be of age here and on multiple blogs. she was at least sixteen at the time. also mentions shes underage here but then says she could LEGALLY portray sexual assault ?? and here's her saying she WILL have depictions of pedophilia on her blog. keep in mind we've known each other for a long time, though it was on and off; she knows very well i'm not 18. if told her before countless times AND it's all over my rules. BUT YET, she's persistent on sending me explicit content KNOWING IM A MINOR / ADMITTING SHE IS 18 after i had vagued about my discomfort ( one , two , three )

as i mentioned above she was always presenting nasty plots to me; i can't stress the fact that it DID make me uncomfortable whether i decided to play it off or not, but later on, when she was indeed of age, presented to me an old, incestous plot and then had the audacity to put the blame on ME, whenever i strictly recall her wanting to ship them / make the more brothers in the first place. my character had already had a brother, her oc she actually made back in 2016 was a spiral off of this canon character. so even afternoon she blamed me for it, we established that i said no, she still chose to focus on his childhood with romance. ( one , two , three , four )

again, im not the only person she's has abused like this. and compared to the things she put ALL OF US through, these have to be some of the lightest fucking examples. but i do hope it is enough to keep others safe or be a warning. i also haven't mentioned anybody for their safety, but if you think you would be willing to share your story you can add on or whatever to get it out their. i really hope you can take my word for or it as well, because it wasn't very hard for me to put myself out here but i think i did the right thing for others.

and last but not least, if she's seeing this, here's a big fat "fuck you" from all us, what you put us through, and blamed us for.

realizing close to a year later that i was right about something that happened with an ex is so... upsetting. 

i was expected to remember an insignificant detail about the sex life of someone i actively hate and someone i couldnt care less about. and when i didnt and spoke out about how much i hate this person using information i had told my ex at one point (known because another person remembers me complaining that they didnt take me seriously about it) i upset someone i didnt know how to calm down, thats my bad i know that. but even after apologizing i asked if they were mad and they lied and said no as if i was supposed to know to look beyond that answer into the social cues that i cant fucking read because im autistic, which they also knew, and they lied anyway.

they said i gaslighted them when looking back at our messages the closest thing to gaslighting was we both have memory issues and there were instances where one of us would say “this happened” and the other would go “i dont remember that” and we would either have proof it happened or we wouldnt and it would get dropped but it happened on both sides and its not gaslighting its fucking memory issues.

also they lied to me for a significant portion of our friendship and maybe relationship too. they said they hated me for a while but we knew each other for a few years so that could mean while as in the last 6 months of friendship or while as in while we were still dating. its more likely that its while we were dating too which fucking sucks, but they lied they looked me in the eyes and said i love you and youre a good friend and didnt bring anything to my attention about hey youre doing this and i dont like it which would have been helpful bc then i can fix it but no it was a 4 screencap notes app fucking ‘call out’ where most of the shit was fake and i wasnt allowed to get a word in to clear my name. i tried so fucking hard in that relationship, i went to therapy to try and deal w my issues w being wrong about things bc they said it bothered them and i did and i got better and i went to therapy to work on my memory issues bc they said it bothered them and i didnt get better w that but i tried and yet. and i dont care about being friends again i dont care about dating them i care that they were wrong about me. 

idk why its making me upset now its been a while since we stopped talking i think its more that theres a version of me that exists to them, a version that isnt real and that sucks, and the real me sucks but not in the ways they think. and i cant ever change it in their head. it just sits there. i hope they never think of me again, i want that version of me gone forever. i hate this feeling

→ RED, 1

☾ red, 1: confession

» pairing: min yoongi x reader

» genre: angst (most genres will be touched upon as the drabbles continue)

» request: myg + dealing with cheating 

» word count: 1,529

» note: I decided to do this request as a drabble series as opposed to a one-shot or actual series bc I feel that taking broken glimpses at the relationship will be much more effective than a straight forward linear telling. Also most of them will be longer than this one, but it’s more of just an introduction to the story!

“I slept with someone.”

The four words that were said to you all of those months ago, wrapped in the static of cellphone towers that were trying to connect the two of you from across oceans. You remembered choking out a broken and fragmented, “W-what did you say?” Because for some reason you couldn’t stop yourself from needing to hear the words again even though you registered them perfectly the first time. Every single syllable had already embedded itself inside of your mind, and that sentiment still rang true even now, almost two months later.

His words were of course followed with excuses, but at least he knew they were excuses that didn’t actually mean anything. “I-I was drunk — but I know that doesn’t matter at all, and…” After that he started to ramble about a lot of things that you don’t remember all that well anymore, because honestly the details didn’t change a thing, they didn’t then, and they don’t now.

The only thing you can recall saying to him back then was a stiff and tight-lipped, “Why?” You didn’t want him to hear the sob that was already attempting to claw its way out of your throat because you didn’t want him to have that power over you. He couldn’t know how incredibly weak-willed you were when it came to him, but most importantly you didn’t want him to feel pity for you, because nothing — and you meant nothing — would feel more humiliating than him knowing how much you cared for him, when you clearly didn’t mean anything to him at all.

But even though in your mind you had already decided that Min Yoongi couldn’t possibly feel a fraction of what you felt for him if he was willing to do what he did, you couldn’t help the broken cry that slipped past your lips once he started saying all of the things that presumably every person who had ever cheated on their significant other said.

“I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I know that, b-but I just need you to listen to me for a second — I-I mean just please, please listen to me for one second, even though I know I don’t even deserve that.” He sounded like an absolute mess, the exact opposite of everything he usually was, and you wished that you could be happy that he seemed so unhinged and absolutely miserable, but you couldn’t. “Y/N, I love you. Just you, and I only want to be with you, and I know how that sounds after what I just told you, b-but it’s true, so true, and I’m an idiot, a fucking idiot. For the past week I’ve felt like my chest has been caving in every single second of the day because all I can think about is you and how disgusting I am, and I just…”

“A week?” You said almost instantly, anger welling within you as it tried to replace the stagnant numbness pressed against your chest. “We’ve talked every single day this week,” You spat, thinking back to all the calls the two of you had shared over the past few days, and you kind of just wanted to break down when you remembered how incredibly normal he had sounded. He was the same Yoongi as he always had been, not a hint of hesitance or guilt laced in his voice as he spoke to you.

“I-I didn’t know how to tell you. Saying it over the phone just seemed so… I wanted to tell you in person, but I don’t come back for another two months, and I just—”

“What? You thought telling me in person would hurt less? Because it wouldn’t, Yoongi. Not at fucking all.” Your bottom lip was trembling as your fingers pressed harshly into the phone. You didn’t know you were supposed to say to him. Maybe Yoongi was right and this should’ve been done in person because all you wanted to do at that point was run to the room you shared and start to throw all of his shit out of the fucking window.

“I know. I’m not trying to make excuses. I promise I’m not. But I was scared to tell you because...”

“Because what? Why not just say whatever the hell you’re thinking at this point? It’s not like you haven’t already ruined everything. You’re disgusting.” There’s no filter. Everything you felt you said, because in all honesty you wanted him to hurt like you were hurting right now. Years spent together was crumbing in the span of a few simple minutes, and it had your heart squeezing tightly in your chest.

“I know I ruined everything and I fucking hate myself for it,” He started, voice shaky. “I was scared to tell you because I didn’t know what was going to happen when I did. Y/N, I love you. I don’t want it to be done. I—”

“You don’t want it to be done?” You scoffed. “ Yoongi, do you think I could ever stay with you after this? I’ll never trust you ever again, or probably anyone for that matter. I don’t even want to so much as  look at you ever again. Yoongi, this… This is done.” It felt so finalized as you said the words, but it also felt so incredibly wrong. You never in a million years thought you’d ever be saying something like that to Yoongi. But then again, you never thought he would do something like this.

“Y/N, baby, p-please just—”

“Don’t you dare fucking call me that,” You said through gritted teeth. “Just… I mean I guess I’ll start packing your stuff. Whatever, come by whenever the hell you get back to pick it up. I don’t care.” Your breathing was uneven as you spoke, borderline erratic actually. You tried to shut your eyes tightly, because maybe it was dream. You’d had dreams about cheating before, but you always woke up, and it was so relieving. But you blinked, and blinked, and fucking blinked, until you were sobbing, and you weren’t laying in bed, you were still standing with that cell-phone pressed to your ear and heartbreak sitting heavy in your chest.  

“Please don’t cry. I’m not worth it. I promise I’m not worth it.” His voice was breathy and choked up, but again it didn’t make you feel any better.

“Yeah, I wish I had known that three years ago so then maybe we never would’ve dated in the first place.”

It burned. Your lungs felt as if they were being turned inside out, the montage of memories from the past few years with him running through your head, all of them now tainted and dirty.

“No, n-no, please don’t say that,” He cried.

He fucking cried, as if this entire thing wasn’t something that he chose to do. 

“I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.” You voice was starting to turn raspy because the crying had come on so quickly. “I guess, there’s nothing else to… uhm say. Have a good time finishing your study abroad, and you know what? Just fuck all of the girls you want now that I’m not hanging on your conscious — but I guess I never was in the first place.”

“Y/N, wait—”

You ended the call, immediately shutting your phone off so that he wouldn’t try to call again. You sort of just stood in place for a minute. It was strange, you couldn’t stop crying when you were on the phone, but now that it was just you… The tears just wouldn’t come. All you were left with was anger. Pure and unfiltered anger. Your fists clenching at your side, nostrils flaring as you stomped into your shared bedroom. You made your way towards the closet, yanking all of his stupid fucking clothes off of the hangers. You made your way to the bedside table, taking that stupid fucking picture of the two of you on that cruise from last summer out of the frame before ripping it up. You made your way over to the bed that you shared, ripping the sheets off so that maybe you would be able to wash away his stupid fucking memories.

That was what you had hoped would happen at least.

But all of these months later, your chest still burns and aches. The empty space still held his essence even when you would bring someone over to try and fill it. You felt branded and dirty, useless and broken, and the saddest part was that you still wondered about him. He was supposed to come back next week, you had memorized the date before the two of you broke up, so it was almost permanently ingrained in the back of your mind. The date approached fast, and each and every night when you realized he was one day closer to being back, you locked up. It was a coin toss between whether you were mad or upset on most days. You preferred the former, it didn’t hurt as much obviously, but it got exhausting being mad after a while, leaving you to inevitably break down. But regardless of which emotion you were feeling on a certain day, there was one constant sensation that you just couldn’t seem to shake.

It was a red hot pain that surrounded you. It never cooled or calmed, it was always a blazing, unimaginably painful shade of red.