#and i just started bawling today
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How did bawling like a goddamn baby over Yuri!!! On Ice! being canceled clear up my senses.
Like damn fuck. I'm fully aware I'm emotionally constipated but seriously?
Also if anyone tried to judge me for bawling over YOI that anime got me through literally the darkest part of my life and is the only reason I'm still alive right now. Judge if you want, but I will be VERY liberal with the block button.
#nah but like#ive been sick for awhile#and im not anymore but im still really stuffed up#and i just started bawling today#and now i can breathe#im so emotionally constipated my nose is constipated i guess?
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me: i'm gonna call my mom just to talk but i'm not gonna tell her about my new type 2 diabetes diagnosis because she has a lot on her plate and just told me my grandma is in the hospital again, and i don't wanna add yet another thing to it.
my mom: your voice sounds strange, are you sure you're okay?
me: starts sobbing and tells her everything lol
#also had to tell her about the breakup#asking me if i'm okay when i'm already feeling on the verge of tears is like THE trigger for me#i will start bawling lol (and i did for the second time today. first time was with the doctor when she told me fdskjdfbds)#(i tried really hard to keep it in okay but she just kept going on with the complications if left untreated and it was A Lot)#anyway i love my mom and how supportive she is about this#and my step dad was also yelling supportive things through the phone too lol it was so sweet#i cannot tell my dad yet tho cause i know he'll say shit like “i told you so” (about extra weight complications) and i can't handle this rn#i know he'll be supportive but not in a way i need rn#so i'll tell him one day but not now
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I got hit with the Stan feelings today after going to the Halloween store and I had to stop going through my ship tag cuz I was FR about to 🥲 IM SUCH A SENSITIVE PERSON I SWEAR I just missed it sm but I like miss that era/time frame when it came out and just RAHHGH idk I’m just being emotional over it is all..
#Mia try not to cry over her ships challenge (failed like always)#I just miss the IT era man :’(#it’s like . the 2019-2020 version of what mtl is to me rn..#I wanted to try to watch ch 2 today but I don’t think I can cuz then I’ll actually start bawling RAGGGGHH#idc how many people say it’s bad it’s my comfort movie ok..#bizarre.ramblez
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🥹ohhhh today's starting off on a good note thank fuck (they released the new album for the hsr ost)
#bye yall im off to daydream 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼#did i say? a gentleman's fantasy sounds soooooo so much like masashi hamauzu's works its *chef's kiss*#did i start bawling when i found out the song that plays near the pillars of creation#is called 'cold iron warming sun'? yes.#thats such a good name and very fitting T _ T#im sad though that 'battle arena' got such a bland name asdkjfalkjh it's one of my fave songs off the album tbh i could listen to that song#on loop asjdfalsh#anyways idk the area with pillars of creation was so magical to me when we first get shown the area LAKSDHFALKH#but maybe thats bc i just am really fond of reestablishment against disaster#aldjkf its beautiful in my eyes#belobogs names are always playing around with cold/heat so its nothing /new/ but damn i sure be feeling things#snow speaks#i hope today keeps up as good though ;;#i mean if not. just daydream away ig lmaoooo
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You know what tonight im like “maybe im just not drunk enough yet to not hate myself” and then im like but im already almost wasted. And then i think that is a lie. I still keep going though. Just in case im right. Sorry :(
#luke.txt#drunkposting#negative#not cosmere#sorry guys just in my feelings. Will be out of my feelings either when im more drunk or tomorrow morning#once I’ve worked out all my IM SOOOOOOOO YERRIBLE angst#it’s ok once im slurred speech levels of drunk (harder and harder to come by these days)#I will finish monsters Inc (started watching earlier today)#and I will bawl my eyes out#society if sadeas and dalinar were decent parents (IMPOSSIBLE)#purple dragon jungle juice
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you ever get so depressed that you just stare at a wall for 6 hours
#.bdo#nothing is entertaining#i keep opening tumblr then closing it bc I'm just mindlessly scrolling not paying attention#tried watching a show and got nothing out of it#it's all bc i can't stop thinking about whether or not D will call me today#and the hormones from my new birth control don't help#running out of pain medication doesn't help either#it just sucks bc any time I'm going thru something that's hurting me I feel like I just pressed a reset button on a lot of my progress#and I don't really wanna actually talk to someone about this bc I'll start bawling#on the bright side my mom gave me a hug today after she found me crying#that's not a usual thing she does she usually tells me to suck it up#I just wanna do stuff but I can't get myself to do anything it's hard to even get up and pee#anyway my mom is letting me drink her wine now that it's been 8 hours since I took my anxiety meds (did not help)#that at least got me to stop staring at the fuckin wall
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L’shana Tova!
#mine#me#I just bawled on the phone to my mom for an hour because I was a bit snippy after the beautiful dinner I made for everyone#but I couldn’t help it because my uncle all of a sudden is very….trumpy adjacent#and I also just got snappy at my mom#and when everyone left I started crying#I was sad about Nick#and I texted my sister just being like hey sorry if I was snippy just had a long week#and I was already planning to call my mom#but my sister was like you did great today just extend the same courtesy to mum#so that just made me feel worse#so I called my mom crying which she hates#and I apologized and then we talked about some other things#I think I’m tired#my brother and his fam was supposed to come#but they all have a bad cold so they didn’t come and we were all bummed#oh and my sister was annoyed with Henry#but babies freak him out#so the poor thing was in my room all day#but her dog acts up all the time when people come over and he’s EIGHT#I had a nice phone call with my Nannie though#rosh hashanah
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on the one hand: feeling incredibly gender in a tie
on the other: incredibly sad.
#it’s my grandpas funeral today </3#i feel like every feeling i’ve just stuffed down is gonna come right up and i’m gonna start bawling during a speech or something.#well we’ll see how it goes.#just jupiter
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God I hope my fucking meds get here today I stg
#im in so much fucking pain#i want to stab my spine to paralyze myself so i won't feel this pain anymore. just cut off the major source#my ribcage and back hurt so fucking badly that i cant sleep it fucking hurts to breathe and im feel like i jumped off a building#i called it in LAST Tuesday. been off since last Friday. i wanna fucking die man it's so bad#and i cant like go to the hospital for an emergency dose bc its a compound medicine and idk what i can do to make it stop myself in the mean#time like fuck man#im seriously gonna start bawling if it doesn't come today man like idk what ill do it hurts so bad#like i dont think i can do anything bc the pharmacy would be like sorry we mailed it dont know what to tell you and the post office#would be like youll fucking get it when you get it. order sooner you piece of shit#id call off work but i really dont want to be stuck sitting around in pain all day. at least work will give me something to pass the time#marquilla
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not to keep liveblogging the retreat but it’s over now (it has been for most of the day). i cried so much today and it was amazing. im so sad and so happy and so relieved and so tired and so proud
#purrs#retreat tag#i was rly anxious facilitating today and overwhelmed bc we had to pack (i didn’t help at all and felt terrible) and i didn’t finish writing#notes to ppl and i had to facilitate and i was nervous abt the emotions. and then we got there and i said the final words and started crying#and this time EVERYONE was looking at me. but it wasn’t sad tears it was like…. wow. look at this. we made this together. we went through so#much this week and also for three years and we did it and it all mattered so much and we’re here together. and i felt all my past and future#selves and pods and cohorts in that moment and all the ones i didn’t get to see too. and it was so… wow. and then i was bawling when we were#hugging goodbye and someone in my pod hugged me for like a solid 2 minutes it felt like and we were just rocking each other and crying 🥹🥹🥹🥹#it doesn’t even feel real but also it was SO real. i can’t believe it’s over. not to keep talking a but crying but i cried for like an hour#when i got picked up and we went back to the hotel omg.. like this was MONTHS of intensive prep and planning plus 2 years of the heaviest LY#lifts to put on diminished versions of this magical thing and we got to do it this time and everything that led up to that mattered and the#ripples will roll out forever. im a little scared bc part of me feels distant from it bc i know so much now and have a lot of experience w i#it but like.. this program changed my whole life. introduced me to so many of the people i love. exploded my world into light. and i got to#be part of doing that for 43 other people. i feeel so lucky and warm#i feel cringy for talking abt it on here liek it’s disingenuous / just for performance but i rly mean that its just thisis my public diary 🥴#like omg. 5 years ago. and 3 years ago. and last semester. and now it’s over???? but also it’s just beginning. wild#naur also im a staff coach now and it was kinda sad the distance i felt. like they were scared of me / felt like i was untouchable a little#bit but it’s like… im only a couple years older than you. someone in my pod was a year older than me! so that was sad. but it was good
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Man don't do me like this
#tbd.#* ooc. / posts.#Today is just 100% angst day huh#First the Yui ep making me cry irl... now I search for one (1) panel and come across This Scene again... (starts bawling pt2)#Good to know all of my muses are showing solidarity by also feeling depressed as hell today for some reason <3
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Me and a friend got hired to shoot coverage for an under18 football championship that’s happening in town.
I have seen more matches this weeks than I’ve ever seen in my entire life and everything I’ve learned about this sport ever since Monday has been entirely against my will.
In less than seven days I have witnessed:
parents almost go at each others throats in under13 matches
coaches yelling shit so harsh at kids aged 11 there’s absolutely no chance for any of those boys mental health
a dad wanting to coach the team for the stands and starting a fight with the coach of his sons own teams midgame
a parents telling his 12yo boy that ‘you’re in the team. we’re going to need you a lot today. it rides on you’ like it was the World Cup final
a 9yo-sized like a peanut so insane his mom had to physically restrain him so he wouldn’t hit the referee
teammates and parents invading the pitch after the end of the match and almost breaking the fences because they were all trying to climb it. it was an under13 match with some random football school for kids.
god only knows how many coaches/assistants getting a red card and having to stay outside the pitch
a team of 12yo lose 13x0
a 15yo kid saying ‘every time I play a game my dad screams at me at home’
boys 12yo playing so well I was actually scared. they trained at the big clubs but still. so weird, kids shouldn’t know how to be so coordinated.
a kid lose the game and get so angry he knelt down and started ripping grass off the pitch
a referee so bad even I could tell it was fucking offsides
#also I was so exhausted today I sat down to watch reel on it and cried at that video of a penguin falling and the others going AAAAAHH#I just started bawling my eyes out#rambling into the void
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I like how dico has the capability to make a whole fucking room laugh and ryan has the capability to make a whole room smile and I think that’s really great
#like they’re the friend who always tries to cheer you up#Like I’m going to start bawling#Ryan would hug you#lean on you#etc#Whereas dico would just pat your back and make a joke that’s just so fucking funny#Really feeling it today….#I want cheering up from them :(#jackass#viva la bam#cky#brandon dicamillo#dico#ryan dunn
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had a dream i got kicked out of social studies class in highschool bc i wasnt in class the day before, & the teacher even asked if i was excused for the day which i was
then super passive aggressively she was just like "cool. you can leave (:" and just kept telling me i was dismissed like i automatically failed bc i missed 2-3 days and i missed a test yesterday even tho i was excused from class to be somewhere else??!!
so i just spent the next hour crying in the main office LMAO
#this dream sucked to experience but thinking back its funny af#i was devastated to have failed a class over something so ridiculous#and all the ladies in the office were just like 'oooh yeah sorry to hear :( yeahh theres nothing you can do :((('#and it was so fucking awkward bc i was just trying to ask to do the test today instead while bawling my eyes out aishdhdj#& when the teacher first told me to leave i started laughing nervously like ...what? haha fr?#bruh LMAO#dream shenanigans
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why do i let men have this power over me!!!! why do i let myself love them!!! why do i let myself grieve when they leave!!!! why why why!!!
#txt#i despise men but i just want my dad to hug me#but not my dad because hes my dad but i wish it was him because hes my dad#does that make sense#im having a real rough time#and i knowwwww its my period okay i know its about to start and i know thats why im all fucked up rn#but today was doomed from the moment i put on bruce springsteen#i barely made it 2 hours at work........#fucked up a simple task then started thinking abt how my grandpas right that im a useless bum#n how my dads right that im too damaged to be saved#then i bawled like a stupid fuckin baby n got sent home as soon as somebody cld cover my shifts#so yeah . my period should start any minute now
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i hate hate hate only having half-hourly (if i’m lucky) public transportation
#it’s so hot today guys i can’t think straight#just started bawling earlier for no reason#feel like imma toss all my cookies too#and hit the floor#and yet here i am half dressed trying to get myself to tge bus stop to wait in the sun to go to the gym#took me 20 minutes to decide whether or not to keep the parasols open on account if the alarm’s sensor#randomness
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