#and he wont be able to use erasure to get through to him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashcatsnark · 3 years

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What’s your opinion on Kerry being available to only male V when it’s mentioned in-game that he’s bi (correct me if I’m wrong, I have terrible memory)?? I feel like they should’ve had bi romance options if they were able to implement both gay and straight ones.

Oh anon, oooooh anon. I love you dearly, but you intentionally or not might as well have thrown lit dynamite in my ask box. This discourse has been such a strange beast within this fandom and I have definitely shared some vague thoughts about it before. I’m putting everything under a read more, to help stave off some....harassment or putting it in people’s lives who may not want it.

I still remember I was frankly heartbroken and upset when I first learned Kery wasn’t romanceable by female V when the game first officially came out, but before I played it; River and Panam weren’t even really known about, cause they weren’t talked about much in the promo material, plus Kerry was shown in romance scenes with what looked to be female V. So, if you go back far enough you’ll find me in December cope posting and being the saddest and angriest of beans, because other than Johnny who I knew was likely off the table. He was one of the only characters I wanted to potentially romance. Now, I’m further away from it, have processed my feelings regarding it and am more rational I believe regarding the issue.

But, that being said, a large issue of this sort of discourse is that; no matter what anyone says, someone somwhere is upset. I’ve been insulted, blocked, accused of fetishizing gay men, and so much over my opinion regarding this matter. I’m still currently debating if I even wanna tag this, cause the issue almost always brings negativity to my blog and to me. I have very little interest in being berated for this, so we’ll see how I feel after I finish typing this all out. I’m going to try to go through all my issues, my points, my troubles and feelings about the matter. But, at the end of the day, it is merely my opinion. If someone disagrees, fine, just don’t attack people or berate them over pixels in a video game. Just dont. That’s all I ask. Okay, so I’m gonna divide this into talking points and whatever, now.

Firstly, Kerry is bisexual. Point blank, period. I’ve seen folks try to argue that his wife was like comphet, which if you dont know means that sometimes exclusively homosexual people will try to force themselves into heterosexual relationships because society has conditioned them to believe they have to be straight. While, I’m not negating the fact that this happens, as a bisexual/pansexual (I use the terms interchangeably to define my experience and feelings) person I’ve struggled with it when making sense of my attraction to women. It genuinely is something that happens. This is not the case for Kerry; he doesn’t ever hide his attraction to men, between TTRPG lore and the video game he has had two wives , and he is stated by game developers and TTRPG creator to be bisexual.He is bisexual. Getting that out there, saying other wise, in my opinion is a level of bi erasure. That being said, I do still have my grievances with how the game chose to handle his bisexuality and bisexuality as whole, also imo, the game generally doesn’t seem...to treat players who are attracted to men well…

But before I get into that, I wanna make clear, I feel like Cyberpunk 2077 should have had more romance options for every orientation. If you’re not going to create a player-sexual style of romance; ie where every romanceable character is attracted to the player regardless and wish to focus on each character having their own predetermined sexuality; only have one character for each sexuality is kind of bullshit. If you’re a lesbian player and you’re not into Judy, you get nothing, except a fuck around with Meredith (who I will get to later). You’re a straight woman, but not into River, shit out of luck. You’re a gay man who’s not into Kerry, sucks to suck bud. You’re a straight man who’s not into Panam (kind dont get how you wouldn’t be but who am i to judge), well, you can fuck Meredith… so woooo. Oh also, if you’re not attracted to women, you will still be forced to watch in first person pov a sex scene with Alt and if you want Johnny to like you, you gotta date a girl. Also, all the male love interests will be sidelined mostly…. Hooray… But I digress, either go in with all romance options bi/pan/player sexual, or give more options for romance. Cause now you have the issue of people not getting the partner they hoped for and not liking their only option. Now, you got people trying to make the Judy bi, which is lesbian erasure and lesbophobic, along with people saying Kerry isn’t bi and can’t be with women which is bi erasure and biphobic. Whereas, if you had just gone in from the get go with either more options or a player-sexual romance system; we wouldn’t be here, CDPR.

Okay, so next thing, now that I’ve addressed my issues with the entire romance system and that yes, Kerry is bi. Should Kerry have been able to be romanced as female V? Yes and no. Which sounds vague, but I’m going somewhere. With the current set up of it; Kerry being romanceable to a female V would have unfairly given female players an additional love interest over male players. Female V would have the option of Judy, River, or Kerry. And Male V’s would have the option of Kerry or Panam. That’s not fair. I get that, inherently. CDPR painted themselves into a corner, by only letting there be two romances for “each” gender, one for “each” sexuality, and then using a canonically bi character for one of them. They played themselves, they were either gonna have to give an unfair amount of love interest to one side of their gender system or make a bi character who will only pursue one gender. So, they went for the latter.

Now, some people feel thats fine, because Kerry having a gender preference is fine and its okay for bi people to lean a certain way in regards to gender and its okay for them to not be attracted to people. And that is true. I am a bisexual woman who leans a little more towards men, I get that. However, I have only been given one reason for Kerry’s preference for male V over female V. And it was by a developer of the game who stated that Kerry pursues Male V and not Female V because Male V reminds him more of Johnny… And I hate that. I personally, hate it so deeply, because to me it does a complete disservice to Kerry and V’s relationship and Kerry’s arc. Because even with female V you see him being preoccupied with Johnny and V’s connection to Johnny, then you see him move past that. So, to then state, its still a deciding factor in him romancing V is so wrong to me. Like why???? Why would you do that to people who like Kerry??? Why would you put that in their heads, that Kerry on some level, subconsciously or not, was thinking about Johnny when he decides to romance V. Cause that’s not in the game, in the game you get the vibe he’s moving on past Johnny, like he’s growing, developing, genuinely likes V. But that stupid tweet, just radiates rancid vibes, whyyy???

And then, outside of that nasty tweet, I have to ask what other reason is there for why he prefers male V over fem V. They’re...the same characters essentially, just with different pronouns and body type. They also can look like whatever you want; they’re completely customizable. So, Its based off of what the game associates with gender characteristics and nothing else, meaning, his attraction is rooted solely in their gender and he turns down fem V by virtue of them being a woman and nothing else. Which, yeah, bisexual/pansexual people have preferences but when that preference completely excludes a gender based on nothing but gender…. Uhh????? See my issue????

And I’ve seen people saying, well, its better than CDPR playing into slutty will date anybody bisexual stereotypes. But, the thing is...THEY STILL DO THAT which is what drives me up the god damn wall; they managed to do slutty bi stereotypes and I don’t even get kiss the boy, which again, I get the need for fairness but wow, just wow. And lemme explain.

Meredith is the only character, other than joytoys, whom you can have sex with regardless of gender, body type, etc. She is the only character who shows that she is attracted to V on some level regardless of gender.

She is a one night stand. Her sex animations are the same as joytoys. She treated like a promiscuous love phobic woman. And having characters like that is fine, my own V is promiscuous and love phobic. But, we can acknowledge that in a video game by a AAA game company having the only character who is at least physically attracted to the player no matter what, be nothing but sex fodder...isn’t great bi representation, right?

Oh, and Kerry himself still is a promiscuous bisexual man, he just won’t romance female V because apparently, according to a dev, they don’t remind him of Johnny enough. AND THATS THE DEVS WORDS, NOT MINE, I HATE THAT. Like, Kerry is shown to have people’s lingerie around his house. He’s stated by Johnny to be someone who fucks around. He gets a blowjob from a man in a stairwell.

The two most blatantly canonically bi character in this game are promiscuous; one wont romance V at all and just wants sex, the other will only romance a male V because at worse, he’s comparing them mentally subconsciously to his dead friend and at best….because….reasons…. Literally, from what I understand for Kerry to romance V, they have to have the “male” body type and “male” voice. Meaning, fem V could literally by all appearances look like masc V, body type wise, but because she uses female pronouns and has a feminine sounding voice...no… the stars say no…

In my honest opinion, it is bad bisexual representation and a not so well thought out romance system for a game.

But, that being said, I literally never romance anyone, because I’m a Johnny simp. So, the fuck do I know.

oh god do i tag this.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#anon #asks #i can't put these in the main tags or kerry's i cant #im so weary of this #im sorry anon #im a pussy who's grown so weary of discourse #Anonymous

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saikostories · 3 years

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MHA - Training Camp (Alternate version) pt2

In which Kamino happened much earlier (for a completely different reason) and the training camp was to train ahead for the Pro-hero licencing exams as well as for an era without All Might.

Aizawa fell to his knees beside the boys, taking in the sight with wide, horrified eyes. He'd never seen anything so...

Izuku, he was- not moving. Pale, as a ghost so much so that his freckles stood out like chocolate chips in cookie dough. He was gripped tightly in Katsuki's arms, the other boy sobbing. Lips were a tint blue, and his body- oh god his body. It was clear immediately that both his arms were shattered. His chest, constricted as if he were crushed multiple times. His entire body was-... was... well there wasn't any other word to describe it other than destroyed. There was blood everywhere. His breathing…

Oh god.

Aizawa moved like lightning and took his fingers to Izuku's neck, squeezing his eyes shut. He could hear Todoroki’s panicked breathing as he waited. The silence was too long, Aizawa felt tears escaping.

No god please no.

Nothing.

Please no. No no no no.

Izuku was too cold.

Aizawa found himself speaking aloud now. “Oh, god please no. Please.” His breathing now becoming frantic.

He heard a strangled cry from Todoroki. A hand covering a mouth.

Katsuki, seemingly unaware of his surroundings, cried out. “I'm sorry Izuku I'm- I'm so sorry.” as he pulled him into his chest.

The uncharacteristic show of sudden affection caught both Todoroki and Aizawa off guard and they blanked out momentarily. Aizawa forgot he had his fingers to the green boy's neck.

“Todoroki...” Upon hearing his name being called, Todoroki stepped forward and knelt beside Aizawa.

“Sensei?”

“I need you to get Midoriya out of here. I can’t-” He stopped. He had to swallow the bile that threatened to come up and he took a deep breath. “I can’t feel a pulse. I need you to get him back to Mandalay. Hopefully an ambulance should be there by the time you get there but if not...”

Todoroki nodded and reached over to try and pry the boy from Bakugo’s grasp.

“NO!”

Aizawa and Todoroki looked at each other, the former’s eyes brimming with tears. “Bakugo-”

“Just... let me die.”

Aizawa wrapped his arms around Katsuki and pulled him back, gently. The boy tried to protest but he was too weak and falling in and out of consciousness fast.

“Also… tell Mandalay something else for me... Kota is safe. And to broadcast that Pro-hero Erasure Head has given permission for the students to fight back.”

Todoroki cocked his head to the side but didn't say anything, simply grunting an agreement that sounded like I'll kill everyone of these fuckers with my bare hands.

Izuku was slipped from Katsuki’s hands and Todoroki was gone, leaving behind a gust of wind courtesy of his ice.

Aizawa gathered Katsuki into his arms and cradled him, the teacher's fears and shock finally catching up with him. “Shhhh… it's okay. It's okay.”

He really didn't know who he was saying that to.

Aizawa breathed shakily and licked his lips. His face stung with tears as he finally let them flow. His heart was falling to pieces right before his eyes. His students… oh god it felt like he couldn't breathe.

Tough, unwavering Katsuki... Izuku...

Oh god I've failed you...

He scooped up Katsuki into his arms and watched as the child, scared and small, slumped against him. A quivering shake and then stillness. He was so warm.

Eyes half open, Katsuki looked as though he was giving up.

“Izuk-...”

Aizawa spared one last look and finally dashed off in the direction of the camp following Todoroki, praying to any damn high being that they were there by now. He found himself speaking to the boy in his arms.

“Stay with me, Bakugo. Okay, come on. Stay with me. Keep your eyes open. Stay with me. Please kid. Hold on.”

Tears were streaming down his face and he didn't hold them back. He pulled Katsuki close to him.

That tough, nonchalant teacher was gone.

All Aizawa could feel now...

Was fear.

***

In and out, just breathe in and out Shouto. Just focus. Focus.

Through the haze of whatever the fuck was happening, Todoroki found himself gliding seamlessly above the ground but not too high, to at least maintain some cover. His thoughts however, were all over what felt like the entire world and no matter how fast he was going he couldn't catch up.

One side of his body layered with a thin coat of ice from obvious overuse and unbearable amounts of terror, the other radiating heat gently to the too cold body it his arms.

Honestly he still wasn't wrapping his entire head around this situation and at the same time he almost didn't want to, because he knew if he did he wouldn't be able to move, to focus. To help. Because this was a royal fucking disaster and how could anyone be calm.

I'm calm. I'm calm. Just focus.

A deep breath, he slowed. Gently pulling Izuku to him, he shakily pressed his fingers to the boy's neck. Todoroki didn't dare breathe.

Nothing. He winced. Come on Midoriya... Please... anything... Just don’t give up. Please.

He wanted to scream, to curse out, but no one would answer. At least no one helpful. So instead, he does as he's told. A bee line for the camp- but he wondered why, since he knew that no one with any type of healing quirk was nearby. Was Aizawa giving false hope, to delay the inevitable? Or was there really going to be an ambulance there?

No, Aizawa Sensei wouldn't lie about this. A flash of his teacher's face in Todoroki’s mind sent shivers down his spine. He swallowed it down and pushed his limit harder.

***

Aizawa felt like he was swimming in mud while his thoughts were drowning in fire. Can you drown in a fire? Well now you can.

Just fucking move you idiot.

This is your fault.

You could have gotten there sooner.

You could have helped. You could have saved…

Aizawa shook his head violently, causing him to stumble. The uncomfortable moment stirred Katsuki and he squirmed, sending them tumbling to the ground. Aizawa watched in horror as Katsuki was thrown forward a few feet into a pile of what looked like leaves and dirt. He cried out in pain.

You absolute fucking idiot.

He raced to Katsuki's side and attempted to scoop him up again but stopped short when he looked at the boy's face.

He was staring right at him, but- seemed to be looking through him? Aizawa hesitated.

“Bakugo...?” He waited. For a few moments there was silence only broken by Katsuki's strained breathing.

Finally he spoke, but it sounded nothing like the child he knew. “Sensei?” he croaked. It looked really painful. The teacher put his hand on the blonde's chest comfortingly.

“Yeah, hey kid. How are you feeling?” Stupid question.

“I'm- i'm sorry. For- for everything. Izuku- i'm sorry.” he gagged, coughing up even more blood than the times before which sent alarm bells ringing in Aizawa's head. He scooped the boy up with no protest.

“Look Bakugo, there's nothing to be sorry for. You're gonna be okay. Everything will be okay. Just hang in there, alright? We're almost back to the camp. I called a few people and they should be here- just stay with me… kid?”

Aizawa spared no expense and continued running. He looked down at Katsuki's half lidded eyes and felt a stabbing pain in his heart. He'd never thought- he never even dreamed that he would see fear in the eyes of this kid. But now, there was nothing but fear. Fear and something else he couldn't quite put his finger on.

“I fucked up, y’know?” he spoke up again. There was something in his voice that made Aizawa's heart skip. “I was… I was just- shitty.”

He would sometimes gasp between words, but Aizawa let him talk. Him talking meant he was still conscious. But this had the teacher reeling. Katsuki was really far gone to be talking like this.

“Bakugo, that doesn't matter right now. You can tell me about it later. Now-”

“There's no later.” The words sent Aizawa spiraling into his emotions like Dorothy being swept up into the tornado that took her whole house. Before he could respond, Katsuki continued. “I- I fucked up. I don't deserve to live. And now...”

A lump, but he shoved it down. He had to speak. “Bakugo, Midoriya, he’s still with us, okay kid?”

He had to pray. He knew that the ambulance would be there. They’d have defibrillators. They could do something. They could restart his heart and get a pulse back. But for now... Bakugo has to think... he has has to think that he’s alive.

That’s the only way...

He wont give up.

“His heart is still going, buddy. You can tell him all this when we get you all fixed up, alright?” Strained, his voice cracking with each word. He didn't know what to make of any of those, didn't know how to respond.

4 minutes, we'll literally be there in four minutes.

He looked ahead to see if he could spot Todoroki. Nothing.

He prayed they made it. He prayed he would make it. He prayed like nothing before. In fact he actually had never prayed before, but fuck it. He looked down to see if there was a reaction from Katsuki and could've swore he saw a glint of something in his eyes, but it went away quickly.

Don't stop. Don't stop. 2 minutes and we're there.

Bakugo squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on Aizawa's shirt, heaving in pain. He let out a strained breath.

Waves of nausea encased Aizawa in a bubble. Tears stained his face only to be removed by the winds tearing as his body.

Suddenly an announcement ran through his mind. “- cleared to engage in battle-”

Todoroki made it. Aizawa looked down, and from the gaze in the tired eyes of Katsuki he understood as well. Katsuki gave him a soft smile. Too soft. “It's gonna be alright now Bakugo, okay? You're gonna be okay.”

“-s'not -ight Sensei. M’ sorry. I tried- i- failed. - not hero.”

“You are a hero Bakugo, dammit. You are. I've seen it. I know it.”

Less than a minute. Less than a minute.

Everything hurt. He didn't think it could hurt more, until there was a shutter beneath him and Katsuki went completely limp.

“Bakugo? Bakugo?! Katsuki!” His legs betray him and he fumbles to a stop on the ground, laying Katsuki before him as he pushed his fingers against his neck waiting for what felt like years. From the pounding in his own chest it took him a few seconds to realize, Katsuki still had a pulse.

He was just out cold.

Thank god for that.

More pushing. More and more until his arms wanted to give in. Had no one heard him? “Help! Someone help! Anyone!”

Despite his efforts, he felt his vision fading from shock. And suddenly he hears shouting, sees shadows he vaguely recognizes. Voices he knew. He was still pushing, subconsciously at this point. At least he felt like he was. Arms pulled him back. Voices called his name. He was still screaming. His mind told him to fight, to push it away. His heart couldn't speak.

“Aizawa, we're here. It's okay, let us have him.”

Katsuki disappears from his touch. Colors start to blend. He feels himself shaking, he knows he's sobbing but he can't hear himself anymore.

His students.

His children.

You failed.

He wants to curl into a ball. He wants to protect Izuku and Katsuki. He wants to protect all of his students. He wants anything but this.

Then his world fades to black.

***

First came sounds. There was an awkward cough and shuffling of feet. In his confusion, Aizawa's eyes flickered open to a blinding light that caused his reflexes to shut them again. He groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes.

A light, bony hand touched his arm softly. A tired voice spoke out quietly, layered with emotions that Aizawa couldn’t quite parse in his not yet fully awakened state. “Aizawa, you with me?”

He groaned again. Still not fully aware, he mumbled a complaint. “Jesus christ, I'm trying to sleep. Turn the lights off, moron.”

He could make out soft footfalls shuffling away for a moment, then coming closer again until the same hand gently lifted his arm away from his face. He blinked open his eyes easier than last time, gratified to see that the lights had been dimmed considerably. The room started to come into focus, but before he was able to fully take stock of his surroundings, the memory of why he was there slammed into him. He bolted upright, head spinning. “What the-”

“Whoa, hold up. Not too fast.” The quietly pained voice belonged to none other than All Might- or as Aizawa knew him, Toshinori. His lanky form bowed over him, concern like Aizawa had never seen before etched into the lines of his face.

Aizawa sputtered his reply, words tripping over themselves as he tried and failed to gather his racing thoughts. “What the fuck is going on?” Before Toshinori could respond however, Aizawa paled even more as the images of two broken boys, his boys, swam to the front of his mind. “Oh god. Where's Bakugo? Midoriya-?!”

He struggled to throw off the blankets trapping him to the bed so that he could stand shakily to his feet. His bloodshot eyes darted all around the room, finally taking in the fact that he was in a hospital room. Blinking rapidly, he looked at Toshinori. The bedraggled man stared back at him, his eyes brimming with concern and pity.

The absolute desolation in his expression ripped through Aizawa like lightning. He wobbled on his feet and then arms were pushing him back down. “Not yet, Aizawa, take it easy. You're safe now.”

The calm words didn't do the terror coursing through Aizawa justice. He struggled silently for a moment, studying the other’s eyes and trying to find the answers he was looking for. “Toshinori. What's happened? Please. Are they still-?”

He could see it in All Might’s eyes, the bone deep weariness that came from life and death situations taking their toll. Only this time, it wasn’t the Pros. It was two ridiculous kids, two wonderful kids that didn’t deserve whatever the fuck happened to cause such an apocalyptic catastrophe by that cave. Aizawa wasn’t sure he ever truly wanted to know all the details. To know what both of those boys had to withstand before help arrived.

"Y-yes. But, we still don't know the outcome. Bakugo is probably going to pull through. But Midoriya- we don't know."

Toshinori’s gaze broke, dropping to the ground between their feet. He motioned for Aizawa to scoot over so he could sit next to him on the rumpled sheets of the hospital bed. Aizawa hesitated, torn between letting Toshinori talk and racing out the door to see the boys for himself. He sighs, knowing that he needed to be appraised of the situation before rushing in blindly. As much as he wanted to give in to the fierce desire to protect , he was a Pro Hero first. He needed to possess all the facts before making his next move, no matter how painful it was to sit here being useless.

“What do you remember?” Toshinori attempted to squirm into a more comfortable position before giving up and stilling. He clasped his hands together in his lap and finally looked back over at Aizawa.

“Bakugo -” Aizawa paused, obviously struggling to rein in his emotions long enough to get through his next sentence. “Bakugo was in the middle of what looked like a demolition zone. He was holding on to Midoriya like -” Again he paused. “Like a person holds on to the most important thing in their universe.” He looked up at Toshinori, a mix of wonder and terror on his face.

Toshinori raised his eyebrows. “Bakugo?” His tone was confused and disbelieving. “Their relationship… Or lack thereof… That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know. It was like nothing I’ve seen before, Toshinori. He was clutching at this destroyed body, crying over and over again that he was sorry. When Todoroki and I arrived, he didn’t even notice . He was completely focused on Midoriya, even though he thought he was dead.” Aizawa let out a shaking breath, trying to simultaneously block out the image and recall every word Bakugo was muttering. It was a strange sensation.

“What do you think happened? Obviously there was an attack on Kota, and Midoriya stepped in and attempted to save his life. But who could’ve possibly done that to a child?! The injuries Midoriya sustained… How did Bakugo survive?”

Aizawa’s weariness was bone deep. He was silent for a moment longer. When he next spoke, it was barely above a whisper and he couldn’t keep his voice from cracking. “I don’t know. Both boys were completely covered in blood, I’ve never seen so much blood in my entire career.”

He paused for a moment. “Bakugo didn’t want to give Midoriya up at first, even to us. The entire trip back to camp, he just kept saying how sorry he was and how he didn’t want to cause anyone any more pain. Bakugo is always so confident, so strong . There was no trace of that person tonight. It was like the flame that drives Bakugo had been snuffed out the moment he thought Midoriya died.”

Silence reigned as both adults tried to digest the horrors of the night. Aizawa couldn’t think of anything else, he wanted to see both boys with his own eyes to assure himself that they were still alive. Before either of them could do anything, the door cracked opened and light from the hallway spilled into the room as a nurse walked in. She shut the door softly behind her before turning and approaching the two men. “Mr. Aizawa, good to see you’re finally awake. How are you feeling?”

“Like my students need me and I’m trapped here. This is not necessary. I am uninjured.” Aizawa’s voice was back to its normal emotionless tone, but both he and Toshinori knew that that was far from the case.

The nurse looked nervously to the side for a moment before she spoke again. “Surely you know how much shock -”

“Look, I’m not complaining. I just want to get back to my students. Where are Katsuki Bakugo and Izuku Midoriya, and what is their condition?” Aizawa’s voice held a little bit more of the authority it usually did, and Toshinori was glad for it in that instant. Even a little normality was a blessing in messed up situations such as this.

“We need to get the doctor in to make sure you are back to normal before we release you. I understand how you must feel, but you will need to have your strength back before you are able to handle the boy’s injuries and seeing him.”

Him? Why not Them? Unless...

He didn't respond, waiting for her to continue.

She took a deep breath. “Bakugo Katsuki was just taken from surgery and at the moment he’s resting in a private room. His injuries were severe but nothing that he can’t come back from...”

“What exactly were they?” Toshinori asked.

“Well... his left leg was broken and his arms were both shattered... he had multiple broken ribs and a wound to the head that gave him a severe concussion. We would like to keep him here for a few days just to monitor that. Recovery girl came in and healed pretty much most of his injuries so after we give him the all clear on his head, he should be able to go home.”

Aizawa nodded and waited for the news about Midoriya. He has to be alive. He has to be.

“As for the other boy... We’ll know more when the doctor comes back.”

Do whatever you need to do so that I can be released, and then I would like someone to escort me to see Bakugo, immediately.” Aizawa spoke sharply over the exasperated nurse, his no nonsense tone cracking across the room like a gunshot.

The nurse pressed her lips together, disapproval radiating off of her in waves. She sighed after a moment. “Very well.” She spun on her heels and left the room without another word.

Toshinori glanced over at Aizawa as silence descended in the darkened room once more. He didn’t agree with the way that Aizawa had handled the nurse, who was just trying to do her job, but he understood. Midoriya was like a son to him, and he was the first person he’d let himself get close to since his mentor passed. The fact that he hadn’t been there for him was tearing him apart on the inside. The weight of guilt was intense for him, he could only imagine how Aizawa felt being the first one on the scene and having to witness the horror first hand.

“Don’t.”

Toshinori blinked. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t sit there and blame yourself. There was nothing you could’ve done. The best thing we can do for them now is to be there for them.” Aizawa heard his own words as if from far away, the hollow sound to them grating in his ears. He could preach all day that All Might, Pro Hero and savior of countless lives, shouldn’t feel guilty about not saving two Heroes-in-training, but he knew the truth. The hard truth that Aizawa had failed . He’d failed as their teacher, their mentor, their protector. He’d failed those boys, and he would never forgive himself.

He knew that Toshinori had a special relationship with Midoriya, so it was likely that he was feeling every bit a failure as Aizawa currently felt like. But they were Heroes, and empty reassurances and promises were par for the course when it came to tragedies such as this.

Toshinori stood up suddenly, slightly startling Aizawa. He walked towards the door without glancing back. His hands clenched into tight fists as he stopped before reaching the door. “I’m going to go sit and wait for young Midoriya, someone should be there if he… if he makes it. Aizawa, I know you don’t believe for a second what you just said. But we must move forward and remain positive, because both of those boys are going to need us to be strong so that they can be weak a little longer. I’ll come find you in a little bit and we can swap places. After they are stabilized, we need to figure out how we plan to find the villains that orchestrated this and bring them to justice .”

And then he was gone.

Aizawa shivered to himself as he watched the door swing slowly shut. The way Toshinori said the word ‘justice’ wasn’t in the normal sense of the word. He said it with the clear intention of violence. Aizawa couldn’t remember a time where All Might had let his emotions get the better of him, had been anything other than the shining symbol of everything good and pure in this world.

He would’ve hated to be in the villain’s shoes that ordered the attack when All Might got a hold of him if he didn’t wish to bring the exact same kind of violence to them himself. It was startling to see such a change come over the Symbol of Peace, but then again situations like these changed people .

The door opened once more, and a young man who looked no more than 25 stepped into the room and shut the door. He strode over to Aizawa with confident steps and keen eyes. “Hello, my name is Doctor Tickel. I heard you’re ready to go check on your students. I’ll just need to do some standard checks and ask you a series of questions, and then we’ll be able to get you released and reunited with your students. As long as I have your cooperation, it shouldn’t take long at all.”

“All right.” Aizawa liked this guy, he had a no nonsense attitude and seemed to just want to get things done. Aizawa could relate.

And so he went through the motions, allowing himself to be checked out without problem. He zoned out as he answered all the doctor’s questions to the best of his knowledge, knowing that the faster they got this over with, the faster he could apologize to Bakugo for being such an awful teacher. It was only when a packet of papers was pressed into his hand that he snapped back to reality with a jolt. He focused his gaze on to the nurse, noting with detached interest that it wasn’t the same one as before. Until she spoke the words he had been waiting to hear for what seemed like eons.

“Alright, Mr. Aizawa, please follow me. I will take you to visit Bakugo. He should be waking up soon. Right this way.”

He stood abruptly, on her heels as she exited the room and started to walk down the hallway.

***

The room Aizawa entered, was not empty as he had expected. A nurse stood above an unresponsive figure in the bed. She held a flashlight in her hand and was doing a routine eye check for any signs of consciousness. She clicked her tongue and stood up, jotting on a keyboard. Then, she fidgeted with an IV drip before looking up and noticing the dark figure loitering in the doorway.

He placed his hands in his pocket to try and hide the trembling.

“His vitals say he’s fine. I don’t know when exactly he’ll wake up since the repairing recovery girl did took quite a bit of his stamina. Feel Free to stay and talk to him as much as you like.”

He closed his eyes to fight back the urge to crumple into a puddle of misery. His next question came with great hesitance. “What of… Midoriya Izuku?”

Memories flashed before his eyes of the destroyed body clutched by Katsuki. He was astounded that he had pulled through for this long.

Her voice kind of wavered at that, she took a deep breath and shook her head. “We- we don't know yet. We're doing everything we can, I can assure you that. I can't say..."

She chose her next words carefully. "I can't say that he'll survive."

“Thank you,” Aizawa mumbled under his breath, failing to hide his reaction of distraught. He shifted his weight and sighed. The nurse seemed to have caught the hint because she nodded and made her way to exit the room with a slight bow.

I owe Recovery Girl my own damn life for this. And a cup of coffee.

He figured she'd be with Izuku right now. He strode over to the bedside, dragging a nearby chair closer to plop into not so gracefully. Sitting next to the bed, he finally got a good look at Katsuki's face. The sight sent waves of pain and fear through him. Katsuki laid there, motionless. His expression mute, eyes closed. Nothing the teacher was used to, but considerably better than what he saw just hours ago. It still didn't fit him, and it left Aizawa feeling uneasy.

“Hey, kid…” He found suddenly that his voice felt as if it was going to betray him. He swallowed thickly. When did his mouth get so dry? Placing a hand on Katsuki's hand, he continued. “Bakugo, I'm so sorry. I’m so-.” A feeling of regret washed over him as he looked at the pale boy that laid before him, his face unemotional as he slept, something Aizawa still wasn't- and never was going to get used to. Remorse and guilt overtook him and tears began to fall silently.

The elder sat, for what seemed like hours. He played on his phone, read a fanfiction about a world with no quirks, which sounded absolutely frightening. He fidgeted, all in an attempt to keep himself distracted from the emotions around him. He thought about calling the boys’ families but decided to leave it to the police. He didn't need anymore tears, anymore reminder that he had failed. He just wanted to sit here and… protect Katsuki. There was no way in hell he would fuck up again.

“Were you crying again sir?” Aizawa’s head snapped up to look at where the voice had possibly come from. Looking back at him were two half-opened crimson eyes, blinking slowly. “Man that’s so pathetic”

Aizawa couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re awake... How are you feeling?”

“Beat up. But still kicking.” Aizawa couldn’t stop the smile that was being etched on to his face. He felt all the pressure and stress evaporate and be replaced with calm. Bakugo was awake, and by the sound of it... he would be just fine.

A smirk played on the student's face replaced by a grimace shortly after. He shut his eyes and groaned. “Ah, fuck my head.”

“Shhh,” Aizawa brushed his hand into Katsuki's hair and the child sort of hummed into it. “You're okay. Just relax.”

“You changed,” Katsuki mumbled, not as a complaint though. “You're… softer.”

Aizawa scoffed. “You're one to talk.” Sighing, he hesitated and brushed his hand through blonde hair again. “Speaking of talking, kid…”

Katsuki groaned painfully and Aizawa gently rubbed his arm. “Kid. Bakugo- what happened, huh?” He asked soothingly. His voice was as calm and comforting as he could make it despite the strain from the day settling on him. "Can you tell me what you remember?"

“Honestly, I don't know much. You'd have to ask that brat, the kid. All I know-” His voice was soft spoken, weak from the day's events and pain meds. “All I know is that Midoriya was pretty much dead when I got there. That stupid idiot-”

Aizawa was momentarily taken by surprise from the use of Izuku's proper name spoken by Katsuki. If he had to be honest though, it really didn't phase him after all the shit that had already happened in the last several hours alone. He almost smiled at the sentiment.

“He went and tried to be a hero again that fucking nerd. Saved that dumbass kid. Got himself fucked up. I came around and that bastard that h-hurt Izuku woke up and tried to fuck with me. Then he got Izuku- and I- ” His breath caught and he seemed to shrink into himself from the memories that found their way back to him in bursts. His voice went shaky and he trembled, earning a soothing touch from Aizawa. His damn head was blistering. He squeezed his eyes shut and earned some soft murmurs from the elder.

“Take your time, kid. I’m right here.” Aizawa once again brushed blonde locks to the side and smiled. Katsuki was gonna be alright, that's all that kept repeating in his mind.

The boy's eyes closed for a few moments and he sighed weakly.

“Thanks Bakugo. You don't have to keep going if you need rest-”

“No sensei, I gotta tell you everything cause- cause I fucked up.”

Aizawa blinked.

“What do you mean?”

He gulped and when he opened his eyes, tears started to pool at the corners. “I... didn’t get there... quick enough. I didn’t make it in time...”

Aizawa shook his head. “No you didn’t, you were amazing okay? don’t you dare say-”

“He told me to run.” Aizawa stopped breathing for a second. Bakugo’s hands shakily grabbed the bed covers before wiping his tears. “He told me to run... But... I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t leave him like that because he was still breathing... and Moving him could have... It could have just killed him there...”

“Bakugo we can talk about this another time okay?” He patted Katsuki's hand. “But you should know that you didn’t fuck up okay? You did good.”

They locked eyes for a moment and a silence passed through them. Not a word was spoken but Katsuki understood and nodded weakly.

“I’ll go get the Doctor okay? Just stay there. You’re parents came in earlier too so if you want I can grab them-”

“Where’s Midoriya?”

Aizawa stopped. He couldn’t move. All the calm that he felt in those moments that Bakugo was awake was now gone and all that was left was dread. He opened his mouth to answer him but found no words coming out.

What do I say? I don’t know where he is. I don’t even know if he’s alive.

“Don’t worry about Midoriya okay, you just concentrate on-”

“Recovery, yeah I know, people keep telling me but where’s Midoriya?” Bakugo winced as he tried to sit up. Aizawa looked at Bakugo and couldn’t help but feel pity and disappointment at his own failure. The image of what he saw on the cliffside flashed into his mind.

Just let me die.

Was Midoriya okay? Was he in recovery? He didn’t know. He’d been sitting here for the past few hours. Everyone who he asked about him had just said they didn’t know.

“I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll go get the Doctor and check up on him okay?” As Aizawa began to leave, he could sense Bakugo staring at him with a scowl. He wasn’t stupid. He was pretty sure he’d figure it out eventually if nobody told him.

“If he’s not okay...” It was just barely above a whisper but it felt like Bakugo was screaming. “If he’s... not... okay....”

Aizawa turned to look at the blond in the bed.

“He’ll be okay. Just rest.” Aizawa pleaded. Bakugo nodded, tears in the corner of his eyes. Katsuki hummed a reply, and quickly fell asleep again as exhaustion overwhelmed him. It would be a tough few days for him as he sleeps of that concussion, but Katsuki was gonna make it. It still kept repeating in his head.

Aizawa strode out of the room and ran right into Toshinori, surprising him. The number one hero had a stoic look on his face. Aizawa's breath escaped him. “Midoriya… is he…?”

Please. For him... Be alive.

Toshinori didn’t have to say anything. Aizawa could see what looked like Midoriya’s mom crying whilst being held by Bakugo’s mom The look of desperation as she cried for her boy. It cut Aizawa open like a knife.

“They thought they could feel a pulse... which is why they took him straight to surgery to get his heart to start but... it was already too late.” Toshinori tried to take a step forward but ended up falling on the ground instead. Aizawa felt his knees give out in that moment, as if the weight of everything that happened within the last several hours decided to just pile on him all at once. An unfelt wind stole his breath from right under him. “He’s g... g-gone.”

Tears escaped Aizawa's eyes and he shakily let out a gentle sob, running his fingers through his hair. This wasn’t fair. He tried to get those images out of his head... Seeing him there... Bakugo begging for death.... It was like he was living the nightmare all over again.

I failed.

I completely fucking failed.

I promised him... I promised Bakugo he was going to be okay.

How can I even begin to call myself a hero if...

If I can’t even save one freaking person?

It felt like forever that they were kneeling on the ground. But all Aizawa could think of...

Was How badly he had fucked up.

***

Time felt slow.

Not just to him... but to everyone.

In total... Thirteen students were injured.

One was dead.

The teachers had said that school wouldn’t start back up again until they had a proper grip of the situation... Which really entailed press conference after press conference.

Eventually they went back... This time with a dorm system. It seemed to work. For a while nothing happened. Sure there was some villain ultra-cations but nothing normal pros could handle.

People just had to continue living their lives as if everything that had happened was in the past.

At least... they tried. Bakugo hadn’t gone back to school for a good month after it had started. He couldn’t face the realisation that when he got there, One table would be empty. Sorry... no. It wouldn’t since Todoroki and Ida had texted him that Shinso was now in class 1-a. Something Bakugo refused to get over. It would take time for everyone else to warm up to him as well. They were all welcoming but they couldn’t ignore that he was sitting in Midoriya’s seat. At Midoriya’s table. In Midoriya’s class.

When Bakugo had returned... He didn’t speak to anybody. Instead he trained harder and harder, till he was top of the class. It alarmed everyone how good he was becoming... and it completely freaked them out when he didn’t get all aggressive when something annoyed him. He ad changed.

“Hey Bakugo! Dinner’s ready!” Kirishima called as Bakugo had just come back from some late night training. That was a thing he did now. Running by himself late at night helped him clear his head. “Also, you’ve got a package on the table.” Bakugo frowned.

It wouldn’t be from his Mom, she gives him stuff when he came home on his days off.

He looked at the parcel on the table. It was wrapped in a light blue paper and tied with brown string. There wasn’t even a note. Gently, with everyone looking at him and wondering what it could be, he opened it up slowly.

Then he cried.

Inside was the familiar burnt notebook that he had thrown out of the window to be fish food.

Hero Research Notes Book #13

That damn nerd.

Bakugo couldn’t help but smile as everyone asked him what it was.

Perhaps Bakugo wasn’t alone.

Perhaps he wasn’t gone after all...

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