Nb ask anon here, tysm for answerring the ask about how u came to terms with ur gender, it's always insightful to see what other trans people have to say about their experiences even if I cant relate to everything u said, I guess for me I started to notice that I wanted to present more masc than i used to, I've 'been' a cis girl all my life and a rather girly one to be honest (although I think part of that is because I've been forced to do so).

But when people call me women or girl smth just.. doesnt sound right to me to be honest, like I know I'm not a man but a woman seems also kinda.... "strong", I just want to put wlw as my gender to be honest ajsjkssks I know that doesnt make sense but it's the only thing I know for sure in my life and also they/them pronouns are cool too I guess lol but anything besides that seems so alien to me, like for example my name, it's not that I dislike it but I've always been reluctant to search for a new one, it's like taking a step in a direction, THAT direction u know what I mean

Ugh then there's the whole presentation problem of like I kinda like to look fem but not for certain people but I definitely wanna look more masc or even gnc, like I want people to look at me and not "be able" to assume what I am u know but also sometimes girly things are pretty so fml

Anyways this gender shit is so complicated jules like it takes so much experimenting and shit and I'm just like ugh why cant I just KNOW things right now

(Sorry for the rant but u just seemed very trustworthy and helpful in the 1st ask)

omg pls dont apologize, im more than happy that your trust me enough to talk to me about something to personal <3 but yess i rly love hearing how everyone defines their gender its so interesting how we're all so different but also the same, its very comforting i feel. (answered under the cut bcs it got long lol)

thats actually really similar to how i started exploring my gender! i am a very feminine person but when i started figuring out my sexuality i also started realizing how much i disliked being read as feminine by other people despite liking being feminine. and how much i liked more masculine compliments and indentifiers. i started out id-ing as a cis bi girl and then a bi nb guy and then bi trans guy and then gay nb and now nb lesbian so its BEEN a process lmao and i know how frustrating it is to feel like you dont have it all figured out or to think you have it figured out only for you to realize it doesnt quite fit anymore later on. it feels a lot like you have to restart the whole process, but in reality i think its more of a checkpoint, ya know? sometimes we have to make a lot of stops and try out a lot of things before we find something that fits and thats totally fine. for me it was like. when i realized i was not cis it felt like running as far away as i would from my agab and then slowly coming back to poke it with a stick kjgfhkj.

and its definetly so complicated when you feel like the terms you want to identify with are "contradictory," we don't really have the vocabulary in english to describe how we experience our gender properly most of the time and some things just dont fit and its hard to explain exactly *why* to someone who doesnt Get It. but maybe its partially a blessing in disguise, bcs it lets us really test things out and play around until it feels right. you can definetly id your gender as wlw, i personally describe my gender as "lesbian" bcs i feel thats the only thing that still ties me to "womanhood." i do get what you mean tho, it was really scary for me too to start using "contradictory" identifiers, like im a lesbian but i use he/they pronouns and i like presenting fem but i hate when people assume im a woman or straight because of it. it really is frustrating trying to figure all this out when everyone around you treats gender like something they get to project onto you and feeling like you need to play into that in order to feel "real." i still have a lot of trouble detatching my gender identity from other peoples assumptions and expectations, so it feels a bit hypocritical to try to give advice on that lol, but i think it all comes back to figuring out what *you* want first and foremost, having trusted people who you can talk to and experiment with, and seeing it as a learning opportunity more than a "goal" or "destination."

it definetly is so frustrating but you're not the only one <3 im sorry happy that you're taking the time to explore what feels right to you even though its daunting to admit that to yourself. some steps like trying a different name can ESPECIALLY be really challenging and scary and it takes so much courage to admit that thats even a potential, im so proud of you honey and i wish you all the best <33 im always here and happy to talk if you want to

hey there! im sorry for bothering you with this but i'm confused and i need ur help... so basically my gender has always been a big question mark to me. for about a year now i've identified as nonbinary. but for the past few months i've been wondering if i'm not actually a trans man (im afab). thing is i'm pretty sure i'm enby. but also maybe im a boy? IM CONFUSED and seeing "nonbinary man" in ur blog description made me wonder: is that what i am? can i be both? how? what does it mean exactly?

it’s no bother!

and “nonbinary man” could mean different things for different people who use it. nonbinary is just someone who doesn’t completely identify with the binary, so partially identifying with a binary gender while still calling yourself nonbinary is a-okay!

personally for me, i use it because i simultaneously feel connected to both the nonbinary experience and the man experience. i guess i could be considered bigender, but i’ve never really felt connected to the term 🤷🏻‍♂️

to other people who use “nonbinary man” it could be different. i’ve heard of nonbinary men who call themselves that because they feel their gender fluctuates from nonbinary and man. i’ve heard of people who use it as a way of denoting that they’re nonbinary but masculine-leaning and are okay with being grouped with men. i’ve heard it used by amab nonbinary people who are content with their current gender expression. i’ve heard it used by afab nonbinary people who are transitioning to look more masculine. 🤷🏻‍♂️ everyone has a different way of describing it and there’s not really rules on how to “properly” be a nonbinary man

and also if your gender changes, you don’t necessarily have to change your pronouns (unless you want to!). there are pronouns that generally go along with certain genders (man: he/him; woman: she/her; nonbinary: they/them) but it’s not a law or a rule! just go by whatever pronouns make you comfortable!

i also think it’s important to remember that it’s okay if your label changes! you’re not betraying your past label or the people in it by changing your label! and it’s okay to change your label and then change it back if you decide it wasn’t right for you!

a few other words that might be helpful are:

demiboy: a word for people who describe themselves as being partially (but not entirely) a man

transmasc: (short for transmasculine) it’s a word that trans men and afab nonbinary people use to describe themselves, especially when relating to issues like medical care, hrt, social issues, surgeries, etc. most people don’t use it as a gender, but you could if you wanted to

gnc man: (short for gender-nonconforming man) this is a word that describes men (whether cis or trans) that dress androgynously or femininely. it’s not a gender, but a gender presentation/expression. so if you decide you are a trans man (or a nonbinary man) instead of just nonbinary, you could use this to describe yourself if you don’t dress masc all the time.

ah okay thank you! sorry in advance this might be long and/or kinda dumb haha but i currently identify as bisexual but i am not too sure if im okay with liking men romantically irl because so far ive only ever had crushes on fictional men or men who were unattainable to me and so far ive jsut kinda accepted i might have to marry a man so my family doesnt realize im gay and im kind of okay with that but not really and i also very much want to be a lesbian but at the same time im (first part)

(second part) still very attached to being bisexual because its been my identity since i was like 13 and i am agender so idk if that like means i cant be a lesbian also ive been on and off questioning this for like 2 or 3 years now but its just weird bc i still think i MIGHT like men? if that makes sense? sorry this is all a lot and i was too nervous to come off of anon!

It’s ok don’t worry! (and it’s ok if you don’t wanna come off anon, I understand sending a message can be stressful as shit) This is gonna get a bit long, so bear with me.

about the agender thing, I’m agender too.  If you think being nonbinary doesn’t make it possible for you to be a lesbian, it isn’t true! nonbinary is a complex experience, and doesn’t just revolve around being “neither a man nor a woman”. Gender is a spectrum, and because of it it makes experiencing your sexuality a whole mess.

In my case, I am a lesbian and it took me a lot of time to accept that I was nonbinary too. I’m “woman aligned” because I’m a lesbian, but I still feel a good deal of detachment from the way a lot of (cis) women experience their being women, and I experience gender dysphoria. I’ve had the occasion to realize, through reading Judith Butler books and talking to other wlw, that it’s a common thing for gnc gay women (including also bisexual women, it’s not an exclusive lesbian experience) to only consider themselves women because of the way they love women.

Now, I have to tell you, wanting to be a lesbian is a pretty big sign that you may be a lesbian. This, + the fact that your only attraction to men is present when it comes to fictional men or unavailable men, are both pretty big indicators! And in this case, the trick I used to come to my realization was asking myself: would I be able to maintain a relationship with a man? Can I see myself dating a man right now, beside just settling down with one in the nebulous future?

For me, the answer was no, and so I started identifying as a lesbian. Even if you experience compulsory heterosexuality, the moment you realize you wouldn’t date a man, wouldn’t pursue one romantically, can’t even picture yourself with one right that moment, you’re a lesbian.

BUT! But, I identified as bisexual for most of my teenage years, too, before realizing I was a lesbian, and I understand being attached to the identity. For a while, I thought that changing my label would make people “doubt” my autenticity as a gay person, or that I was faking it for attention. Then, I realized cishet people have no authority over my identity, and they can go fuck themselves. Changing they way you identify as is growing as a person and learning more abt yourself.

So now the question is, do you feel like you have to identify as a lesbian to validate your love for women? Or do you feel like you have to identify as bisexual because of the possible attraction you have for men? In both cases, it all comes down to you. If you want to be a lesbian, you can be! But you don’t have to force yourself into the label if you think you may still have attraction for men or if it makes you feel unsure of yourself. The only big thing about choosing one or the other is that by identifying as a lesbian, having a relationship with a man is an immediate dealbreaker. that’s it. but aside from that, the bisexual and lesbian experiences are pretty similar.

A thing I can say is that there’s not a “fixed” answer. Constant self questioning is a big part of being LGBT and it never goes away. I wake up sometimes and wonder if I’ve lied to myself this whole time and I’m actually something else entirely. You don’t have to fear questioning yourself.  I’m sending you all my love and my support for the future, and I hope this helps clear your ideas a little (thought I probably just brought more confusion, ahah) <3

A random list of my (non-d&d) (humanoid) ocs and their sexualities/gender identity(s).

Vixen: Gay, Trans Man (note: my first oc, I decided I wanted an oc with a name that had to do with foxes. ‘Vixen’ was like Vincent or Victor in my mind at the time, but now I see that that was a....Mistake.)

Dusty: Ace, Demiboy  (also like, a kid? so him being ace isnt really relevant but it would be if he was to be aged up in an au or something)

Shade Ravenfeather: Cis woman, Hetrosexual.

Stacy Ravenfeather: Bigender (girl and boy), Bisexual

Flick Tela: Cis man, Gay

Nick Kimbolt: Cis man, Pansexual

Bree Metropolis: Agender, Ace, Panromantic

Crystal Metropolis: Cis woman, Bisexual

Nate : Cis man, Bisexual

Charley: Cis woman/gnc woman: Wlw

Naerin: Cis man, Pansexual

Jessie: Cis/gnc man, Gay