the way that some ppl just. do not understand the role of john winchester and his abuse and how it manifests and how it actually makes so much sense for dean and sam's opinions about him to not be consistent. girlies i wish i had your lives

POSTAL/JET SET RADIO CROSSOVER FIC

HOME

(this is just some stupid idea I had where Dude is Beats Dad 💀 this is my first time putting a fic anywhere and it’s not done bc idk if it’s even good/worth continuing. Please don’t be too mean!! I know it sucks)

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There are a few things Beat prides himself on; his ability to problem solve, think fast on his feet and his can-do attitude but somehow, right now as he skates through the small town named Paradise, as a few odd stares are thrown his way, it just now occurred to him he really should have called first.

During all the chaos and last minute planning back in Tokyo-to, he’d managed to forget his father is a bit of a traveler and or is always on the move. Whenever if he just didn’t like to stay in one place for long like he’d said in the past or for other reasons…couldn’t, Beat didn’t really know and wouldn’t dig for a answer. They don’t talk as much as it was already, their last call being maybe a year or two ago, which also happened to be around the same time Dude had told him he finally left his ‘bitch’ of a ex wife. Damn it- now Beat was even more willing to bet Dude might not be here not having that ‘anchor’ with him anymore. Who the hell knows where he left to or is doing right now. Either way, he came all this way and was here now so he had to at least check through that old trailer park Dude had lived in for years upon years now and plan accordingly after.

Walking up to the small era of trailers on the side of town, a wave of relief washed over as the old beat up trailer house and crudely thrown together dog house and shed came into view. While it wasn’t the most sightly view- it did make him grin a bit to see not much has changed and pretty much everything was how he remembered it. He couldn’t talk about the living area himself that much anyways- having been living in a old garage that had only been renovated somewhat himself. Just another way they are similar he supposed- but no matter that right now, Beat still wasn’t used to the usual heat in this town yet and today in particular seemed worse than he remembered it getting ever. So with only just a bit of nervousness slowly developing as he walked up to the door, he breathed out before knocking.

Expecting he’d have to wait a moment for any reply, he was taken aback when as soon as he knocked a loud yell came from within. “I ALREADY SAID IM FUCKING SORRY MAN- I DONT-” followed by the sound of shuffling and something knocking over. Before Beat had the time to perhaps slowly walk backwards or decide this would be the last time he’d ever come back to Paradise, the door opened revealing who else but his slightly disheveled and irritated looking father, stood there huffing.

Though he was wearing his sunglasses as usual, Beat could tell when Dudes huffing stopped- and he froze that he definitely was trying to decide if he is actually seeing things or was his 17 year old son, who hadn’t called or visited in forever, standing in front of him. Even despite what had just happened a minute ago, a smile couldn’t help but tug it’s way to Beats face seeing his old man trying to process what the hell was going on- perhaps the good ol’ usual smile Dude was used to seeing in those old photos he got sent or took way back when helped him finally get a grip. “I- kiddo..is that you- what the fuck are you…” before he could go on anymore Dude suddenly got huge grin himself before hugging the little twerp a lot stronger than he needed to while a chuckle broke out. Beat couldn’t help from chuckling too with a “Hey dad” even though man…it really wouldn’t have hurt Dude to go take a shower. He couldn’t even pin point the smell or maybe it was coming from inside, from what he saw for a split second, the inside of the trailer looked rough though again, he did show up unannounced.

Once Dude finally let up some. Beat stood up straight, still grinning but looking away when explaining. “Well uhm…back home- well ‘home home’ me and my..pals kinda ran into some trouble.. and I was maybe wondering if I could just lay low here with you for a bit. Not for long if that’s a problem”. He knew his father doesn’t have a exactly clean record or is perfect himself either so it was his best bet coming to seek help here…he knew if he went to ask his mom for help he’d be ratted out in a second. And like he expected, Dude only kept smiling to himself before shaking his head in ‘disbelief’. “Still just like your old man huh?” He asked before moving some to the side to invite him in. In reality, Dude only knew a few things about Beats day to day life. The most he knew was spray paint and a ‘gang’ of teens of some sort was involved. He wouldn’t dig for answers like Beat didn’t either. Sure he was worried for his kid, who wouldn’t be? But he didn’t have much room to talk about life choices and vice versa. He supposed the most each other could hope for was that the other was alive and in some variation of ‘okay’.

“I guess. But what was going on with you?” Beat asked as he finally walked into the trashed up house and sat his bag on a spot not littered with trash or clothes. It seemed like Dude only realized how bad of a condition his place was in when he had watched Beat try to find a spot to set it. “Ah shit-” he began once he saw his ‘health’ pipes were just laying around..for anyone to see. He started to put those away first. “Well some douche bag I owe something to won’t stop showing up. You’d think people would keep work and home life separate.” He joked as he slid some pipes back into a drawer near by. Beat only watched for a minute before laughing a little. “Dad I’m 17. You don’t have to hide that shit. I’ve kinda seen it all anyways..”

“You have have ya? Well I hope it’s only the healthy stuff you’re getting into..otherwise..” Dude couldn’t really think of a otherwise. He could threaten to kick him out as a joke but yknow, other than that. A father you’ve only remember being around like maybe four times while not being a baby doesn’t have much power over you but a man can worry over his kid. It’s natural. Beat chuckled again while walking over to the old sofa that sat in the middle of the room and plopped down. “I’m good I’m good. I’ve got too much going on to mess with anything crazy nowadays anyways.” He explained, once again taking a look around the place from where he was. That’s when he finally noticed a dog food bowl with half the food ate on the table. “Hey where’s Champ by the way?”

1x1 plot list!

hello girls, gays and theys! my name is crissy, i’m 21, go by she/her pronouns and live in the PST timezone. i am celebrating bullshitting my way through my junior year with ( copious amounts of tequila but also ) make a list of 1x1 ideas / plot bunnies because i need something to do during this Borentine and what better way to spend it then making myself cry with ships! 

i primarily send really long keysmash head cannons through discord and the ims, but i am also down to do replies ( on tumblr or discord ) and ask memes are my most favorite. i am introverted af but very excited abt ships so i really like having rp partners who like want to stay up all night and write and scream with me, so if that sounds like u, come thru! 

if u like any of these please don’t hesitate to shoot me an im! 

also my discord is daddy devito#2918 ( & yes, i do hate myself  )

were starting with mermaids bc i love mermaids

ALSO YES I LIKE OPPOSITE PLOTS DONT @@@@@ ME!!!!!

ALSO ALL OF THESE PLOTS CAN BE GAY! BE GAY DO CRIMES!

i’ve always kind of wanted one based loosely on these pictures x, x, x. im thinking ponyo meets enchanted meets h20 little mermaid AF realness! like maybe hes this lil regular boy high school college student taking pictures and stuff and sees this girl wash up on the shore looking very confused. so he helps her and you know, shes a little hysterical and cant walk very well, takes her into his apartment puts a towel over here bc she like keeps talking abt how shes a mermaid and hes like oh my god shes crazy ahh. she keeps saying her dad is king of the ocean and hes like???? do u have a last name? and the police dont know anything abt her she has no file, no id, no finger print in the database? 

basically the mermaid is staying w the college student in his apartment and he like teaches her what the microwave and the tv is and its very soft  they fall in luv maybe drama he has a girl friend who sucks a lot who is angry abt mermaid girl idk maybe the government realizes and tries to steal her! fun THAT FIRST PIC? MAYBE HE SAVED HER WHEN HE WAS A KID ONCE FROM DROWNING!!! AHHH

alternatively i found these pictures were are in the same vein very aquamarine x, x, x, lifeguard off duty surfing and he gets stuck in a gnarly wave and almost drowns but this mermaid saves his life! and he comes to see her a lot on the beach and they hang out and fall in love he teaches her how to speak english shows her his phone!!! MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT IS ALSO POACHING HER WE LOVE DRAMA

ok last mermaid plot? BUT ITS A SIREN PLOT!!!!!!! these sirens/a siren wipes out this sailors entire ship with the sirens song they all get drowned/eaten .... but plot twist! this one sailor homie lives bc he is DEAF and therefore IMMUNE TO THE SIREN SONG!! so this siren keeps tryna sing at him and its not working and u know they fall in love good stuff MORE POACHES MORE PIRATES MORE GOVERNMENT TRYNA KILL THE AQUATIC AMERICAN BC I LOVE SUFFERING modern or maybe set back in the day???? spicy

anthour or a sculptor that writes a book w a main character or makes a statue and it comes to life and has no perception of human stuff and is like a big alien

also literally all of these plots can be made gay as the flyest bi i ENCOURAGE it!!!! i will play either character in any of them pls tell me which one u like if u like one

pls the clown clown valedictorian plot

ok speaking of giving the gays everything they want

damn i just want a cheesy wlw 1x1 plot where the first girl is a famous celebrity hella spoiled very purse dog paris hilton type and her fancy convertible sports car breaks down smack dab in a small ass hick nowheresville town and this flannel wearing mannerless tomboy mechanic comes to fix her car but rich girl is stuck in town a few days while they order the part she needs for her car bc it’s a small town they don’t have it and they get closer and the celebrity girl is humbled by the town and learns a lot abt the world and herself just ,, good times LISTEN!!!! zendaya and kristine froseth ???? SPICY

ok maybe a period piece lady knight / princess plot where she was personally assignment to the princess but maybe its a whole mulan thing where no one knows the night is a girl and is posing as a man bc women were allowed to be knights and the princess is betrothed to some loser prince once again ill play either

princess body guard plots always smack

ok princess protection program BUT GET THIS instead of that its my boy dmitri who is the heir to the russian throne or some made up european country but theres an assasination attempt so hes told he has to go into witness protection. and this dude or girls dad is head of cia/fbi and dmitri has to pose as a foreign exchange student at y/ns college and be shown around/baby sat by them. they hate eachother. probably bc dmitri is obnoxious and entitled and sleeps w everyone. he was a matthew daddario fc but not that necessary!

cheerleaders on opposite squads who got the sexual tension!!!!

plot based off hollywood the netflix limited series where its 1940s-1950s hollywood and maybe actors falling in love, an actor and a director? OR omg even better an actor falling in love with some sort of stage crew, lighting, camera person............SPICY! 

a beauty / makeup youtube influencer and a pranking rant gaming sort of youtuber and they have to collab and hate it points if its gay

that cliche plot where ur friends older brother is hot

ok kstew / naomi scott .....that is such.....a wave

UGLY BETTY PLOT BITCH!!!!!! REVERSE THE ROLES OR MAKE IT GAY

i saw this gifset of margo robbie and michael b jordan talking abt how they are eachothers celebrity crush and it got my brain turning 

a very whimsical hopeless romantic artist who finds a muse in a no nonsense american college student studying law studying abroad

PERCY JACKSON BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE HUNGER GAMES BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

business man/prodigal son who falls in love with a stripper/escort

harry potter......next gen................please.............scorose............but like can i play ravenclaw soft boy nothing like draco scorpio BUT ALSO ALL THE HP i also really like ocs also BEAUXBATONS DRUMSTRANG ( if anyone wants to help me w a not hogwarts but other wizarding school rp let me know )

not to b cliche but uh....pastors son bad boy plot yes!

alternatively bad girl good boy/girl plot yes! ( can i pls play bad girl seulgi its Dire )

horror until dawn stuff

soul eater? death note? OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB BITCH!!!! ANIME!

the epically cliche popular person failing math and is gonna get kicked off cheer gets tutored by biggest loser in school and only agrees to tutor her in math if she teaches them how to be cool to impress crush (popular persons friend) and they do that, they start to bond, she gives nerd a makeover the whole school falls in love with them and the popular girls real jealous and wHEw

a disgruntled detective whos wife cheated on him with his partner and he drinks everyday (also could b a lady) throws himself into work and this waitress at the diner he works at who is the opposite of him and very sunshiney

OKAY HANNIBAL but like the hannibal is a lady!

superhero x villian plot! spicy maybe theyre exes! or they went to the same super power school? 

SPEAKING OF SUPERHEROS I WANT A MIRACULOUS LADYBUG PLOT RIGHT FUCKING NOW SOMEONE PLAY CHOU TZUYU AS MARINETTE!!!!!!!!!

also every disney plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think this will get added to but for now this is the gist HIT ME THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!

So, a lot of IR Crew Members swear... But my question is, what is your first-time cursing story?

Kristen: I uh. I don't really remember?? I do remember in middle school I read a fanfic about like... the Yu Gi Oh cast getting sucked in Blues Clues? And there was a running joke about characters trying to swear and being cut off with something more family friendly and I thought this was the funniest damn thing and 100% stole it for a skit I made for school and uh. Hhhhhh God even typing this out is making me cringe horribly, I have regrets, I can only hope no one I knew remembers this.They probably don’t cause my middle school class had very few people in it. Or maybe they do remember cause it was such a small class. I just. Oh no I'm flashing back to weeb town.

BUT UH. Yes. Swearing. Big novelty in middle school and a regular part of my vocabulary in high school. I occasionally had people criticize me for it and usually I'd try to clean up my language for a month or so and then just. Nah.Phill: Swearing was a norm in my household so I never really had a reason to remember my “first time” Yanno?

Atwas: Yeah, I don't recall one for myself either. Swearing was very normal for me. My folks didn't swear too much, but I also just didn't really do it around them until I was an adult.Uprising: I don't remember a first time but swearing wasn't really allowed in my house. Though "pissed" wasn't considered a bad word and so I said it a lot in elementary school and made my peers very scared like ssSSSHHH yoOURE GONNA GET US IN TROUBLE and I was like why? it's not a bad word?Tex: i just said fuck at birth and that was it for meBro: I actually only started swearing about 3 years ago, Haha. I don't remember the first time, but the habit is only relatively recent.Juno: i generally don't say anything past crap. so when it DOES happen people are like [insert surprised pikachu]Jojo: hehe, when I was like, 3-4, I just saw the goonies and they said the word. "shit"

and that word never stopped leaving my lips. My parents didn't stop me for some reason, so I kept saying some form of shit, but like a baby would? I said "shidditafter that I said "bitch" in front of my dad so my stepmom put soap in my mouth for 30 minutes. twas not funTes: SOAP MOUTH! I think I got that once. Man that's a real fucked up thing to do to kids. I also bit into bars of soap out of my own volition so I mean.Dawn: oh man....my parents were noooooooot happy about curse words. I got grounded once for just saying 'damn' and like???? of all the words to get upset over??????? I started cursing more and more around middle school and high school when some of my friends helped me realize these are just fucking words and as long as I dont say them around the house Im a-ok~ oh man tho I was super anxious about cursing at first cause I thought my parents would somehow know I said it and show up out of nowhere and scold me about it.

it’s time for ~a year in review~

JANUARY

ya bitch went to paris and became like good, like REALLY good friends with my current roommates!!! we got to see some really beautiful sights, do some STRANGE things like watch a french indie movie and get fucked up at a french gay party club in the basement of our hostel. i apparently shaved my head again (per the use lets be real)

FEBRUARY

accidentally started my Com capstone like a total moron but took it like a mf champ. got to party at a friends place and watch all of “dont hug me im scared”. made a friend try a grap for the first time (he was a sophomore in college). studied a lot with kelli -- and by studying i mean we mostly bullied each other. WENT TO SEE WATSKY with a super dope friend (sad we fell out of touch but she’s living her best life and im happy for her). also like got to meet george watsky uhm WHAT wild. bullied my college in the snow and also manically shoveled the walk. was a bootlicker for the college and dressed in a taco suit

MARCH

WOOF i got pretty fucked up for capstones cast party and this is where the beginning of the end was for some of my friendships. however, other friendships were being built so im grateful for that. ran lights for a really awesome slam poet. FOUND THE KEY THAT WAS MISSING FROM THE THEATRE (turns out it was Sab whoops). spent a lot of time with someone who is no longer a friend -- her choice, certainly not mine. went home for spring break and took so many pictures of my cat. got selected as stage manager for comedy of errors which was a nightmare of a production but certainly not the worst.

APRIL

became a vegetarian!!!! joined/started the flat earth cult because of comedy. helped randi film her weird videos, which was so much fun! the bat came back to the theatre and Basil and I both saw them. comedy of errors opened and it was intense and i really hated every second. ranted about being in a scene for directing, which means i’d been in it for a second. that shit sucked bros oh my god????? he was never on time, he was so disorganized and didn’t understand his own character. organized a dinner for the cast because they had missed a campus dinner for the show. celebrated my best friends birthday!!!! “I can read!” was on the news with two others for comedy. also presented my capstone research for academic showcase day (i still can’t believe people listened to me rant about birth order)

MAY

more videos! this one was zak bagel bites with again my best friends. was elected president for APO and i couldn’t be more grateful. did a research proposal with a friend and i cannot BELIEVE we’re still friends after it because we really could have killed each other. physically fought the MONSTER that is jess (didn’t actually, really should have). helped two friends fall in love on accident/purpose. was elected as KPY president (damn) and forcibly elected as parliamentarian for LPH. ended my junior year. started work immediately after going home for my dad. mostly answered phones, worked 7:30-5 every day for the whole summer yikes. managed to pass junior year with a 4.0!!!

JUNE

 learned a lil how to quote and did NOT enjoy it. went to PRIDE with my wife and bought my first ace flag. it was actually petrifying to buy and wear, but i have one now which is awesome. holy shit got my first tattoo!!! it has faded a bit now but still looked awesome. it was the beginning of an addiction. picked up an internship at my old theatre company and... deeply regretted it as it pushed my 12 hour days to almost 18 hours. literally fell in love with the music director. 

JULY

a random woman complimented me??? so that was fun. watched after my old band directors kids (they were a nightmare i literally never want kids). got to hike and do all that fun stuff. went to the local county fair

AUGUST

my mom admitted to loving brooke more than me on her birthday (fair). got a card from my office team to celebrate my 21st a lil early. went back for SENIOR YEAR BOYS. got drunk at an old friends place. did marching band. moved in with two of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. took improv with friends which was lit. we even did a whole performance. met a new friend! my other roommate brought in a new kitten (which became a whole thing holy shit). used school sanctioned ipads to dick around. shaved my head againnnn. was sober at a party (woof why). got the drunkest i have ever been and puked everywhere and passed out on the stairs. have not ever reached that level again. also cracked my phone. fully assumed position as president of two clubs. started rhetoric (yucky) and theatre and diversity (also ick but for different reasons)

SEPTEMBER

became NOT sober literally the next day nice. started the MASH group i think??? which is like the only thing im proud of. it was around here. had to pick up a friend whos car broke down. went to pride in a local town with friends!!! that was fun. turned 21!! couldn’t celebrate bc school and stage management, but my two roommates still made sure i had a good time. marching band boys! we did a LONG ASS parade with my cute lil section. did mixers for KPY and APO! had our first football game. held a band rehearsal in the dark because the lights didn’t work which was funny and SO weird. walked to the trains with some really awesome friends. broke into the cemetery and stole a traffic cone and put it on a statue on campus bc mania. went to a friends musical career takeoff and ran her merch table bc the person who was supposed to run it showed up almost an hour late. someone showed up at the lib while i was closing with a friend asking for a place to stay. i hope hes good now. tried omegle again for whatever reason. tried to go to a local diner and was DENIED bc they went from 24 hours to closing at 10pm so i had a mental breakdown in my car at 2am in a McDonalds parking lot. FINALLY got to celebrate my birthday and go to the bars!!! well bar singular. but had a really good time even if those people aren’t really my friends any more

OCTOBER

homecoming boysssss!!!! also ace pride. worked the WORST thing I have ever had to operate in the chapel but the people were nice about it so i was kinda okay. also got to be a part of the dopest percussion show and ran lights and sound for it. rhetoric ended thank christ and i never want to talk about anti-war messages in MASH ever again. finally learned that my best friend has a partner and was ECSTATIC. worked a haunted house which literally sucked so hard but we made bank on it so im okay with it. were robbed (i still have suspicions who did it but ill keep my mouth shut). dressed up as a newsie for halloween, and my roommates and i all took pictures which was awesome. started my internship and movement and stage

NOVEMBER

LAST FOOTBALL GAME got drunk too often probably lol. got an impulse tattoo with my roommates. went to a soccer game. went to the trains drunk and also olive garden. did trauma training so i got to act hysterical (act?). did some KPY bonding. had a hella long saturday with a concert and everything. shot my shot and MISSED. did greek thanksgiving. played DD for someones birthday bc expired license. got my NEW license. had a horrible time driving to and from thanksgiving break. got to hang with my WIFE

DECEMBER

made it home somehow?? did box office for the children’s show as well as publicity which was a lot of work tbh. went on a double date with my roommates and their partner. did the filming for the college christmas card. had an awesome party at our place and i regret nothing. celebrated the moving out of our 4th roommate. worked my last gig at the museum. managed to scrape by again with a 4.0. threw a great party at my place for like 5 days straight (jesus christ). did a horrible puzzle. tried an edible (suffered for it). hiked in the mountains a lil. caught up with high school friends by drinking which was AWESOME. saw Frozen 2. went out with my fam bam. had a great christmas. also threw a new years party (what??? that just got over) and felt like a pretty good hostess (i just provided alcohol lol but it worked) and got to catch up with some great great awesome friends and keep people safe and off the roads for new years. 

all in all a damn good year. its crazy how quickly things change, but im grateful for the place that i am in. can’t wait to graduate this year and see what happens next!!!

          𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆 : #KANG SEULGI | CISFEMALE | SHE/HER | BISEXUAL - EUNJI MIN is a TWENTY-TWO year old AUDIO ENGINEER STUDENT & DANCER AT DD’S that moved into apartment B2 a good TWO YEARS ago. the CAPRICORN has been in town for THREE YEARS overall and is well known around seattle ridge for being +CONFIDENT and +PERSISTENT, but has a reputation of being -STOIC and -MOODY. guess that’s why they call them the PARIAH around these parts! 

          i know i know, i’ve done this many times already but a new face means a new personality, so here’s an updated eunji !! ( everyone who liked my plotting post i left on her, i will soon hit up your dms to plot !! ) 

𝐢. 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 : 

eunji min was born on january 3rd, 1997 in palm springs, california 

a boring, hot, and pretentious city she’ll never go back to, mark her words

she comes from a family of two, her and her mom and that’s it

her mom can’t tell her who her dad is because well, she can’t remember which of her bfs knocked her tf up with eunji !!

her upbringing was something else, her mom not being the best in regards to raising her properly but eunji will be damned before she lets anyone talk badly about her 

her mom owns a hair/nail salon which is good business but deffo not always how the bills were paid, her mom having uh other means of getting by through her bfs/men she talks to 

so there were definitely times when eunji would come crawling out of her room for breakfast to see some guy sitting on her couch to which she would have a stare off with before crawling back to bed, deciding she wasn’t hungry anymore 

school was a whole other thing, eunji didn’t really have many friends for a variety of reasons that people were quick to judge her ( which, she doesn’t blame them, eunji judges everyone else ) making her out to be a bitch due to her resting bitch face or that she thought she was better than everyone else 

when really, eunji just stayed in her lane and if thats what they thought of her then it just be like that, she has no reason to stress about opinions from people she doesn’t talk to 

at one point during her highschool career she moved out from her moms, it was her sophomore year and her and her mom got into the biggest fight regarding one of her many bfs and well, her mom took the boyfriend’s side instead of her daughter’s.....so eunji packed up and moved in with her cousin up in l.a halfway through her sophomore year and she finished hs there whilst working retail jobs here and there to help her cousin with rent/bills

in hs she took dance classes, both in and out of school and the only reason she could afford out of school was because her cousin was given free classes due to her job that she passed on to eunji instead because she had no time what with bar tending and then working shifts at denny’s trying to make ends meet, she thought her little cousin should live a little, like a TEENAGER and enjoy things 

those dance classes became everything to eunji, and within them she met someone who also took pole dancing and told eunji all about it ( this is necessary for later on ) all she needed was a parent or guardian signature to let her in, and those were classes she paid for herself with the money she saved up that didnt go to necessities or bills  

anyways, l.a was a whole new world to her. it was dirty, it was packed, the traffic was shit and the streets smelled gross and yet she loves it, she loves it more than she could ever love palm springs because no one cares there, and theres more culture and she can easily get lost and find her way back again 

so shes been grinding from a young age, trying to make it on her own and become independent 

𝐢𝐢. 𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘 : 

when eunji graduated she had applied to berkley, ucla and one out of state university ( ahem, here in seattle ridge ) and whereas she was accepted to all three, the moment she saw the acceptance for seattle she was quick to pack up and LEAVE 

her first year was spent in a dorm before she finally moved out -- but during that year she was working 2 jobs, one at the dinner and then one at a gas station and it was TERRIBLE for her health

so, the second semester after having saved enough for an apartment, she auditioned for DD’s dancers and got a callback and finally got a job there which, due to her talent she manages to make MORE than she did working both jobs which is great because she has school and bills to pay for and all her things and her SAVINGS 

up at 6am for a 7am class which she gets out at 2pm and then homework and then a shift at work and then its just rinse and repeat from there 

she has aspirations of becoming a producer, maybe throw in some vocals but the vocals part is just a fantasy so she’d rather stick to making beats that reflect her personal style 

it had started out as a hobby, something a guy once taught her in hs and HE SUCKED but she ( being the fast learner she is ) got the hang of it QUICK and fell in love with it

𝐢𝐢𝐢. 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 : 

think donna from the 70s show lowkey, lowkey 

she’s reserved, sometimes even shy when she meets new people despite her confidence when shes on stage or in private room dancing for someone 

but, shes definitely not afraid to be upfront and if she doesn’t like you she lets you know

her sarcasm could be taken literally sometimes which isn’t good because it’s just how she is, her humor is a little dark and sometimes mean and some ppl dont take well to that 

and her tolerance for people runs slim anyway

but that’s only if she finds you irritating and unbearable, shes known to clash with people

once you get past that though, shes actually very caring to the point where she takes care of others more than she takes care of herself 

shes the friend that when everyone is drunk shes drunk too but taking care of you and making sure you have a bag to throw up in, or holding your hair back, or rubbing your back while intoxicated herself 

you kinda just, have to keep peeling at her layers 

𝐢𝐯. 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂 : 

2000s vibes !!!!! but a little edgy and modernized !!!

think suki from fast and furious ( hehe thanks rox ) !!!!

baby phat fan !!!

sunglasses, redbull with a straw, lip gloss and hoops are all she needs !!!! 

her music taste is early/modern r&b and grunge, some pop here n there

her current hairstyle is bad boy era seulgi !!! bangs are a look !!!

𝐯. 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 : 

the jackie to her donna ( 0/1 ) : basically complete opposites that somehow stuck together and are what people would consider best friends because they’re always there for each other despite eunji sometimes finding the other slightly annoying but with FONDNESS, 10/10 eunji will stab someone for them that hurt them 

hook-ups ( 0/2 ) : nothing more nothing less, they dont even need to get a long but someone or some people to blow off steam with before they’re each back to minding their own business until that one late night call, definitely no feelings because eunji wont allow it !!

enemies/frenemies ( as many lol ) : eunji isn’t bound to get along with everybody, be it whether they find her to be too sarcastic, or she comes off bitchy or eunji doesn’t like them be it for the most dumbest reason or because she doesn’t like their personality, etc i just want shade, and shit-talking, some drama here and there 

regulars at her job ( uhh idk ) : people who request her daces at work, it doesn’t have to mean anything they could just be friends who support her or hey maybe they’re trying to get something out of it, the possibilities are endless i fink

i could write more but it’s literally 6 minutes before 4am so i gotta publish this ahksjdhfk but feel free to hmu or like this ig and i’ll slide into those dms !!!

✰  —  —  *  MORE POPULAR TEXT POST STARTERS

‘  when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches  ’ ‘  420 stands for “4got 2 0pologize”  ’ ‘  all millennials do is commit minor felonies and be gay  ’ ‘  hoodies are one of the most powerful and underappreciated articles of clothing. cold? put on a hoodie. raining? put on a hoodie. no bra? put on a hoodie. nothing to wear? hoodie. cripplingly low self esteem? you already know. so versatile! so multifaceted!  ’ ‘  i thought christmas was like… next friday or something its in like 3 days fuck  ’ ‘  if you’re not in love with me by 00:00:00 jan 1 then just block me. i don’t need that kind of energy following me into the new year  ’ ‘  who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying  ’ ‘  my kink is not opening messages and pretending theyre not there  ’ ‘  u know when ur growing out of phases and mindsets but u haven’t found where exactly ur shift in identity is going yet? that’s tonight’s mood  ’ ‘  me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare  ’ ‘  there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you  ’ ‘  god knew what she was doing when she made bruno mars short if he had been tall he would be too powerful  ’ ‘  motivation? haven’t heard of her in years how she doin  ’ ‘  Do you think people with LED headlights know that everyone hates them? Like…really hates them in an oddly personal way? Do you think they know?  ’ ‘  and the final mood for 2017 is: you know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen?  ’ ‘  putting more importance into self care, spirituality, love and peace of mind. start with stretching and deep breathing.  ’ ‘  dont forget to tell someone you love that you love them, thank people who deserve to be thanked, be more patient on people having a hard time, be more considerate, understanding, and be kinder, always.  ’ ‘  do you think in the 1700s there were people who were like nah man Mozart’s a total sellout I only listen to peasants beating things with sticks it’s way more authentic  ’ ‘  2032 is gonna be my year just u wait  ’ ‘  I want a “I made a playlist for you” typa love  ’ ‘  @ 2018 the bar is literally so low  ’ ‘  Just because you don’t look like somebody who you think is attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty, but so are sunsets and they look nothing alike.  ’ ‘  i have a “why am i like this” moment at least five times a day  ’ ‘  very sad to hear about donald trump. nothing happened to him i’m just sad to hear about him  ’ ‘  *me, eyes wide open at 3am* what happened to chandler bing once he got to yemen  ’ ‘  tonight’s mood is the deep desire to be held close in a dimly lit room, covered in blankets while rain is softly falling outside  ’ ‘  do ya ever bring your pet up to a mirror and ur like “that you”  ’ ‘  i guess im just too fucking dumb to lucid dream. cant ever realize im in a dream, i’ll look around me like damn i’m in my old elementary school and my teeth are falling out and im naked? well shit guess this is my life now. got fooled by my subconscious again lads  ’ ‘  u ever get no sleep and the next day ur body functions like the tumblr app  ’ ‘  you ever wonder how many people you’re in the “we’re friends but i would kiss you if you asked” club with  ’ ‘  is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week  ’ ‘  The only thing toxic that you should still be in contact with is that song Britney Spears made, because that song is lit.  ’ ‘  imagine if you named your kid dad. just dad.  ’ ‘  take care of yourself, please. i don’t know what id do if anything happened to you.  ’ ‘ crazy how personal growth can make you let go of people you swore you couldn’t live without.  ’ ‘  im in no position to have high standards but it doesn’t stop me  ’ ‘  you can start over at anytime. your day is not ruined. your world is not over. take a deep breath. start over.  ’ ‘  I’m gonna have a bomb ass life and I know it cause I’ve suffered so much and I know that wasn’t for no reason  ’ ‘  you ever just get in bed and ur like yep this is where i’m meant to be  ’ ‘  an unstoppable force (my love of books) meets an unmovable object (my lack of a desire to actually read anything)  ’ ‘  i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks  ’ ‘  sorry I haven’t replied to ur texts I’ve been overwhelmed by literally anything that’s ever happened or will happen  ’ ‘  me when i see a wild animal in a metropolitan area: reclaim your space, we are the invaders, retake what is yours  ’ ‘  no offense but money would solve literally every single one of my problems. like all of them. i dont have a single problem that money wouldnt immediately solve  ’ ‘  i am not enough and it’s eating me alive  ’ ‘  what do u mean “what have i been up to” … i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch  ’ ‘  always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back.  ’ ‘  The struggle between me wanting to be successful and me wanting to lay in bed 24/7  ’ ‘  If you play “Feeling Myself” by Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé at exactly 11:58:50 pm on New Year’s Eve, Beyoncé will say “World Stop” in 2017 and “Carry On” in 2018.  ’ ‘  Self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta  ’ ‘  you ever just like “wow that’s my voice? people listen to this clown on a daily basis?”  ’ ‘  ravioli ravioli give me a reason to live  ’ ‘  finally worked up the courage to tell the starbucks girl she was beautiful and i only puked twice  ’ ‘  do i wanna know??? no. but thank u monkey friends  ’ ‘  hey this is kinda ns.fw but i wann h*ld your h*nd  ’ ‘  talent: overthinking  ’ ‘  have you ever had that feeling that you really wanna workout to get a flat stomach… but you also just wanna eat pizza and watch netflix.  ’ ‘  if you google eyebrows are you eyebrowsing  ’ ‘  *skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game  ’ ‘  Literally heard a convo at the library where a guy was telling a girl that he’s an omega and the girl telling him that she’s a beta, and my mind just did not automatically connect the context to fraternity pledge classes at all and I just whispered to myself “what the fuck?? What the fuck??”  ’ ‘  my hands? ready to be held  ’ ‘  Catch These Hands! with your hands. we’re holding hands now. this is nice  ’ ‘  kinda weird that u can think about someone as much as u want and they have no idea  ’ ‘  physically, yes, i could fight a bird. but emotionally? imagine the toll  ’ ‘  I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand  ’ ‘  my childhood, or, as i like to call it, the general abyss with one or two memories attached to it   ’ ‘  i know ‘gay’ isn’t an emotion but let’s be real,,,,,,,,,it kind of is and i feel it 24/7  ’ ‘  babe get ready for a night on the town, i just found an old Subway gift card and there’s still $9.45 left on it  ’ ‘  just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to, doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you ever imagined  ’ ‘  i’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day. i’m on both ends of the spectrum  ’ ‘  this year has changed me more than I ever thought it would.   ’ ‘  it’s ok to disappear for a lil while and get your shit together.  ’ ‘  if you wanna love me hmu  ’ ‘  calling me baby makes me so freakin weak  ’ ‘  i’m that one guy on spongebob always screaming about his leg  ’ ‘  remember to drink a fucking shit ton of water every miserable day of ur life  ’ ‘  i just want someone who’s excited to make out with me and text me all the time.  ’ ‘  never apologize for your giant dogs getting overexcited, if i get taken down by a 100 pound mass of fluff then that’s how i go.  ’ ‘  when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches  ’ ‘  THIS GUY JUST ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE SAID SO I SAID 4:45  ’ ‘  my blood is glow stick juice. thats why all my bones crack when i move.  ’ ‘  are cute dates and rough sex too much to ask for  ’ ‘  honestly, my goal in life is just to be a very warm person. i want to be as loving and as kind as i can be.  ’ ‘  just a small dumb bitch…. living in a lonely ditch  ’ ‘  you’re not selfish for wanting to be treated well  ’ ‘  when y'all fake conversations in your heads do you sometimes say random sentences out loud too? i was just tying my shoes and said very sternly and loudly “i DO know how ants work, fucker”  ’ ‘  true space facts: if u look up there it is  ’ ‘  anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms  ’ ‘  how am i sensitive and a bitch at the same time  ’

Day one

Today was my birthday, Im legally 24, I havent celebrated my birthday for the last 4 years, its not been an active choice on my part, well i mean i could throw a party for myself and people (mainly family cause they have) would show up but in the last four years it has felt like my « entourage «  for lack of a better word, has stopped caring much. In childhood my birthday used to be a big fucking deal, my parents would throw me a party that was equivalent to the event of the year in our town, damn it they flow ma and my entire class to DisneyLand Paris cause Im an only child and they didnt want me to go alone, not one or two friends nooooo! They flow my entire class of to be fair only 12 private school kids to Paris for a week, paid for everything.

My overseas family would call me on my homeline, like they would make an international call, that shit was expensive and they would talk to me for ages, this was back when the internet was something only your dad used for work. Nowadays the internet is the center of everyone’s life, you can literally DM someone half cross the other side of the world in under a second and NOBODY BOTHERED TO WISH ME HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY THIS FUCKING YEAR!!!!!

I have friends, im not a loner but apparently today i learned my « friends » are fake, no birthday wishes from them. I have this one friend, we will call her... Iphone 11 (cause she got an Iphone 11, i dont want to use her real name and i dont want to offend anyone by making up another name). I know this bitch cause she my neighbour but we also go to the same college and have the same classes, we went to different high school (me private she public) so we didnt talk much before college but we knew each other, first day of orientation she clocks me and like a scaredy-cat runs to me, Oh My God! Im so happy your here! Finally someone i know! Can you believe this!? Gonna be so lit!! So glad i have you to share this experience with...blah blah blah... from that day onwards she stuck to my hip like im her mother, she is a very shy girl and a whiny bitch too, shes the kinda of girl who gets an A on a test and cries cuz it isnt an A+! she cant make friends for shit cuz she has zero self-esteem so i felt bad for her and we became friends, im the type that makes friends fast cuz im not shy and im shameless and i talk my head off so i introduced her to all my friends, come midterms she is stressing the fuck out crying every goddamned day and im there comforting her and trying to make her feel better we study together everyday, everything, she WAS what i considered my best friend at college (cuz my real best friend is my childhood best friend who did call me on my birthday she couldnt come to me we are on lockdown fuck corona) but this iphone 11 bitch has not texted me a single word symbol emojis shit all summer looong and she lives across the street! needless to say she didnt even wish me happy birthday today! On her birthday this year i bought her icecream and wrote her a card. I got one word for her BITCH!!

She can suck my dick for all i care. I dare her to come up to me come October and classes resume acting all friendly and shit! I will fucking buck her and give her a piece of my mind. You might say im being petty over birthday wishes like i want attention, first of all its my fucking birthday i deserve all the attention i fucking want and second of all im more mad at the fact that she is clearly using me for studying and friends cuz she is an incapacitated bitch then wishing me happy birthday! Like i caught you bitch!

On another note my ADHD is keeping me up at night and my meds are killing me, im in such an insomniac state in the last three weeks that I literally have been prescribed sleeping pills, at the age of 24!

Tomorrow i gotta go to a job i hate and work for a boss i hate, unfortunately this job is actually the only thing i cant talk about on this blog cuz my dumbass signed an NDA! FUCK HIM!!!

Tomorrw will also be the first day after a full week of being off meds that i will return to meds! Lets see how that shitshow ends again! Last time i stopped taking my meds for three days i was fine and then i went back on them in didnt sleep for two days straight even with after taking three sleeping pills and one valium.

My thumbs are tired! Im out for today!

Peace!!

21/09/20 10:30pm

Intense Pedophilia and Grooming Trigger warning

but, I never really see myself as a "victim" of grooming or pedophilia but there's many times like tonight where I remember that I... really was. by many people actually. theI had a friend trying to get me into giantess and feet fetish stuff when I was as young as 14/15. I literally have art of it on here still. I remember them calling me mature for my age. We talked about sexual stuff all the time and even eventually had a sex rp. I even showed nudes and stuff as well to them. I can't remember how old I was but I don't think I was a minor at the time. Now I don't even want to talk to anymore despite him being what I had considered a good friend. I get a weird feeling whenever I think about him. I remember him pushing me to vore either his muse or someone elses and promised me a commission if I did it. OF course I wanted a commission so I did. I remember a lot of pushyness and red flags I just kinda ignored or didn't see when I was younger. another one of his friends was someone I talked to often that also did sexual stuff with me. Wouldn't tell me off or anything and would instigate it. I can barely remember what but I remembered I talked about sexual stuff with him and a particular "Younger people can have fantasies about older people and I"m not gonna stop that" sort of thing. There was another guy in his 30s that actually helped me figure out I was bi by pretending to be a girl and initiating rp with my female muse. That was also around when I was 15 ish and continued way longer than it should have. It stepped up from muses to wanting to have sex rps as just him and I. He made comments about how my parents had the same age gap. We stopped talking many times and he'd come back with some "id rather be friends without sexual rps than not be friends" but ultimately he eventually went away and bitched me out because I kept not wanting to have sex rps with him but would talk about sexual things on my NSFW blog about myself. Not in a sexual way, mind you. Just talking about my experiences. If I remember correctly this was either right before or around the time I was 18. I also had another friend that I was really attached to. Our main ocs were together for years, had kids, and I had known them since around the same age. We did nsfw rps and stuff too despite an age gap. We talked about pretty much everything. Things I don't even think I'll ever bring up again. They talked about incest stuff a lot. Felt the same way that I did in the sense of it being fake and harmless. They did a lot of things that made me uncomfortable but the tipping point was when he kept making offhand scenario/jokes that their ponysona that I shipped my ponysona with was a "Philly fiddler." AKA pedo. Situations with minor canon chars and his char. when I brought it up when I ended up ghosting them, they mentioned It was a phase, and I'll respect that from them because I also had uncomfortable "phases" that I've mentioned,. but it still made me uncomfortable as shit and I should've talked about it when it was happening. He also had a lot of political ideals I disagreed with but obviously that's a bit of a tangent and not an accusation. I remember seeing something relatively recently when I started missing him and checked his blog out, about that kid that was forced to dance for older men, and there was some snarky comment about "But it's okay for Tumblr because it's gay." and like. I don't even want to go into how wrong and homophobic that is but yeah. They said shit like that a lot despite trying to claim to be lgbtq+ positive. Despite all that I've yet to find a friend like them even after nearly 4 years of not talking with them anymore. Someone I trust and confided in everything with and talked with on a nearly daily basis. I miss the interaction still but my social presence get worse and worse on here as time goes by, and I don't think I ever will find someone I'll connect with like that again and it sucks knowing that they'll be it. I also around this time (and longer than I'd like to talk about) I used to be into horrible shit. I remember drawing incest porn of two of my characters. I used to have a noncon fetish and had a few drawings with that I've since deleted. Things that I defended when I was younger for the same reasons I still see today. "It's fiction. Its not reality." "I'm not actually into noncon/incest IRL and hate it, and know the difference between it and fiction." "Fantasizing isn't the same as actually doing it." I'm sure you've heard it all. Not really questioning or wondering why I thought it was acceptable in the form of fiction when I hated it in reality. Not thinking or understanding how this could hurt people, rather they were victims or NOT. All this, it hurts because I know I instigated a fair amount of these things, being painfully cringy and downright bold and even pushy about how horny I was as a developing kid, and because of that feel responsible for it. But, god damn I was just a fucking kid. Going through feelings and physical changes and shit I didn't even understand, and was nothing but taken advantage of by these people. While part of me feels guilt and shame for my actions, the other part of me remembers that these were fucking adult men leagues older than I was (with the exception of one who was only a few years older than me) that should've known better. It feels humiliating even thinking and talking about the things that happened, yet I can't even fucking imagine talking or dealing with a 15 year old like they did with me. It puts a knot in my stomach. and while I have that I also have instances of people the same age acting 100 percent responsibly with me that I still consider my friends to this day. It's just so fucking awful what happened. The internet can have such amazing things on it but also so much fucking trash and garbage. If any other kid my age came up to me and told me what I've said now, I'd hurt me so much. I'd feel so much anger towards the people who hurt them and I'd look at them like fucking scum. Yet I don't with them. Yet I don't even consider myself a victim. And tonight it makes me wonder how many others experienced a similar or even the same thing that feel the same way. Who feel "Lucky" because they were never actually physically assaulted like I feel. Who feel like it was just a part of them growing up as a woman like I did. Or that feel completely differently than I do and actually hurt but have no outlet to talk about it. and I remember my family trying to stop it. My dad was livid when he found out I was talking with adults online. My sister suspected some of the stuff I was doing but I played it off because I was a stupid kid. They could've helped me if I had just let them. If you're a minor that happened to stumble here, don't trust a single adult that's willing to be sexual with you. Or calls you mature. or approaches you with anything sexual. Don't do it. Even if they seem like a decent person, they aren't. It's not different between you and them.. It's not harmless. It may not even seem wrong to you at the time, but I can tell you it's wrong. It's awful. If you're an adult and a minor approaches you sexually. Ignore it. Tell them off. Do not interact with them even if you think they're "Mature" enough. Dont' be fucking gross and misuse your power over them. You should know better period. You have no rhyme or reason to act this way and have no excuse. You know better. and I don't wonder if this is why I have so many problems with my sexuality, or asexuality rather. Sometimes I even wonder if it's why I'm asexual. Every time I tried to express it when I was younger was either in a completely unsafe environment or it failed miserably. I was fat and "ugly" and the weird kid, no one but the town horndog wanted to fuck me and that went fucking horrible. Plus, sex ed is a fucking joke around here. absolutely nothing about boundaries or making sure your partner is comfortable or anything actually useful was covered, things I frankly feel I need more of than the average person. Rather I think I'm a victim or not, Rather I think about these things or not, They've affected me for the rest of my life on how I handle and do certain things.   This shit isn't okay. It never will be okay, and I will never support it no matter how many people wanna call me an """Anti""" or what the fuck ever, and I get sick to my stomach thinking that I know people who do. Not from a "Fandom" standpoint either. It's something I've felt for years before the stupid "Anti" and "Anti-anti" terms came to be. This shit harms kids rather you think it does or not. Fiction impacts. It's important as hell, especially fandom based writings and fictions. If you don't approach these subjects with tact, and end up normalizing it/defending it, it hurts people. It gets so frustrating to see the same people that talk about how much fanfics and fandom artist drawings have impacted their lives, how beautiful they are to them, but also have the audacity to say that "Fiction isn't real, it's not hurting anyone." or "it's just fiction writing don't like it don't read" when talking about harmful shit like Incest, abuse romanticizing, pedophilia, ect.

July 7

7:11 AM, Saturday morning, living room, Rize.

Listening to Arctic Monkeys

Just had breakfast, pretty simple lebbaneh spread, toast, and jam.

I'm trying to ignore my dads ranting about how we don't get it, how a certain ppl (will refer to them as Ts) are not really racist, they r just not educated well enough in certain issues that regard Arabs. Personally, I think racism stems from humans just being scared of change or something different, it's an innate physiological response. I'm not justifying it, just cuz ppl cant help how they initially feel about something that doesn't mean, oh I’ll just avoid it forever cuz it makes me feel bad. We as beings capable of higher thought are obliged to observe, study, and attempt to make sense of how the world around us functions in relation to us.

Therefore we always need to reassess how we feel about everything and anything and ask ourselves why do I feel this way about this? are my feelings justified? if so in what way? if not then I need to teach myself how to handle such issues better. Don't just accept that ur a racist asshole, ask urself why u feel this way, realize why, and learn to be better.

Going back to my original point, u cant say no the Ts ppl are not racist, everyone is, its an involuntary human reaction to reject and react negatively to anything different or unusual. The difference is there r ppl who acknowledge that in them and reflect on themselves and actions.

It seems to me that the majority of ppl here are not willing to think and reflect on their perceptions of Arabs, but then again this is a remote town. Unlike the big city, ppl there r more educated, more exposed to the world, and racially mixed. They have better shit to do, then stare and shit talk at me (not even to my back mind u, cuz I don't understand the damn language), which is why I fucking like cities cuz I dont like having to put up with shit like this, yeah big cities have their pos and cons (like literally everything on this planet). U have to decide what pros and cons work for u, and fucking go with it.

I don't like it here, I don't like this part of the country. ALso what the fuck was my dad expecting from fucking conservatives???!! like ofc they won't accept u and react the way they do. U think they care what u identify as? u think they care ur half Ts like them? no bitch, ur an outsider to them. THATS WHY INSTEAD OF SHIT TALKING THE SECULARISTS AND LIBERALS 24/7 AROUND THE CLOCK, fucking checking urself...

-

 I often wonder how my parents would react to the shit I have done behind their back, and the shit I keep to myself... I think about the worst thing they have ever reacted to, then x that by 1000 lol 

-------

3:52 PM

‘My’ bedroom, Rize.

Finally bought a new scale today, cuz u know a bitch gotta keep track of her weight, even during vacay. U know what really boils my noodle? weight plateau, which r a fucking regular thing for me god fucking damn it...

I helped my mum make lunch today, a classic vegetarian dish. I so wanted to try it along with the tomato pasta, but u know calorie counting and low-carb+sugar diet. I already ate, but I didn't really feel like it was enough (I felt dizzy and frail for most of the day- and it was interfering with my functionality), but I told myself bitch u gotta lose more weight. But then I was like fuck it ima eat lunch and the damn pasta. And I fucking did, and it was so fucking good omg, it watered my almonds so good, I went from plotting to fight and strangle people, straight to wanting to hug everyone. Man I don't know its weird bodies r weird

SO far I know it's my caffeine intake, irregular sleep, irregular eating schedule (I try my best to work on that one, but its hard when the whole fucking family is involved, and on vacay), exercise plan (or lack of at the time being), caloric intake, my fiber, sugar and protein intake, and god knows what else, but so far these r the culprits. I gotta put a plan of action to tackle and apprehend these bad bois.

Anyway, I'm leaving in a bit, an obligation calls. My parents have this social gathering, im being coxed into joining them, although I really don't fucking want to. Let's just say I don't care for such events nor the ppl attending (mostly cuz I don't know them, and I can't fucking speak the language), not like I can interact even if I wanted to, which is relieving in a way, but also annoying cuz I still need to be there, and sit ideally smiling like an idiot. I feel like the shitty teenager I once was, and a large part of me thinks its probably cuz I didn't really grow out of that...haha...omg I lowkey hate myself. 

I dont wanna be negative but its gonna suck. And I'm probably going to do some dumb shit. 

Will update on the ship wreck.

i keep talkin bout you bc youre my only real way of measuring my progress. you were the best and worst. yesterday or honestly whenever, i made posts along the lines of some shit like you suck ass, which ya do, but if you got your life together we could be friends or sum. but i mean. that’s a concept. what i’m realising is that every day, i’m getting further away from you. and that is a GOD DAMN BLESSING. i say all these nice things but thats for the fake fun and great version of you that exists in my head as just a comforting thought when i feel like thinking about love. but damn, i keep forgetting until i really think about it that, i literally am so fucking happy to be away. i am so happy we never have to be friends again and talk and shit. because you /seem/ cool, especially when we barely talk but if i had to actually deal with you. id rather punch myself in the god damn face. also wow it sucks that id still be down for your dick bc you be lookin like a god damn mess like eww??? i barely /actually/ see you and then when i do i realise oh yeah this b for real aint shit. like i wonder what he is actually getting done w his life. and okay, any progress is great. like if you on your own are trying. great. thats fantastic like im proud of you. everyobe works at their own pace. but in terms of me being friends w you. nah b, you lame as fuck. i aint got time for that. i have been meeting waaayy too many incredible peoole this year and have done waaay to many incredible things to be settlin for someone like you. idk dude. i see you. i hear things about you. i see the shit you do and say and i know you cant judge someone really unless you really get to know em or whatever but sometimes peoples social media and their friends can say a looooottt about them. a lot. and i do not. ever. wanna. fuck. w. you. HEEELLL NOOO.

as much as i wish for myself to never speak of you again and all that. i dont think thats going to happen for a long time. three years is a long time. even if this one seems to have lasted forever, three years is longer. and thinking back on all of it helps me realise how much ive progressed. and how much i keep progressing every day. i literally can only remember one. one. bad day. through this whole year. only one. maybe two? i remember one bad moment? but ive only ever had one bad day.

it is such a feeling. to finally. be free. all my emotions are controlled by me. i never feel depressed and alone on a cloudy quiet sunday. i never feel dreary when its pouring rain out. i never feel affected by the mundane weather. because i have done so much and i honestly will never stop. because what is the point in not trying to have fun and live your best life every moment of your life? fr that one song by anderson paak, i aint never comin down. i spent too much time bein scared and believing i was incapable and antisocial and no one likes me or whatever. but how do people get rid of their fears? you go out and face it. i feel like i can do almost anything now, im not gonna lie. like, if i really want to. because thats genuinely all it takes. if you WANT to do something, you will find a way to do it. so you will succeed. if you WANT to, even if theres everything stopping you, you find a way around it. once you realise that, nothing fucking stops you. i say this same old stuff over and over again but it just took me so long to learn and you hear about it but you never believe it. i still am amazed every day by how my life is now.

i have met some of the most phenomenal and successful people this year. i never would’ve thought first of all that they would even like me or want to talk to me but you would be damn well surprised by people’s kindness. growing up sheltered and being called annoying, dumb, and all other things, you end up believeing no one will like you its just automatic. this year, got to become friends with my favourite people that i always wanted to hang out with. i got to befriend amazing artists and photographers that are huge in my town. everyone who meets me automatically wants to be my friend. even strangers?? random people that sit next to me in class. doing leads you to meet people. and meeting people leads you to doing. its a fantastic cycle if you think about it. life is never boring. i appreciate all the small little things in my life so much more now. everything. if you arent happy with your life, find a way to make yourself happy. you arent stuck unless you give up and stop trying to change yourself. these. are the reasons why i wouldnt want you back in my life. my life is too phenomenal now. my life is too fantastic for you to be in you wouldnt fit. plus, i think im way too positive for you now. and i unapologetically love myself and every aspect of who i am now and i am constantly working on bettering me that i feel like itd just be too much? id be obnoxious to you i feel like?? and youd be boring. you would be boring. i like your interests. i love hearing what you have to say about music and movies and weird random facts but. i also dont trust you to be a good person. after all that you did too, nah. i dont need that negativity. it would be outrageous for me to believe we are connected in anyway. i hope. i mean this in all honesty with my whole being. i hope youre happy w your girl or whateva bc i want you outta mine. she better be takin fuckin care of your dumbass though i stg. i dont care when my boys get w other girls as long as i know their taken care of. vasya when he got w chelsea? immediately got over my crush for him and was happy af bc she was better than me. max, if he gets w anyone aside from cheyenne i will beat his ass. that b better fuckin be pushing you to strive for the best. she better be pushin you to realise your worth and what youre capable of and pushin you to try new things because LIFE IS TOO FUN TO NOT GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. COOK SHIT TOGETHER. GO HIKE. GO DANCE. DO SHIT. GROW UP. THINK SMART.

i fr dont know what the point of this post is im really out here just writin whatever comes to mind. bc one day i’m gonna go back through all my personal posts and ill remember how my life was rn and ill be like damn. that shit was sick as fuck. life was lit as fuck. tbh i think i was just really shook by that photo of you. ive been writing gay shit bout you for a while and then i saw that and i was like OH FUCK ABORT MISSION THAT B UGLY AS HELL AND HAS NO LIFE BACK OUT BACK OUT and now im here. straight shook. yeah. i dont want you in my life. my life is way better without you. i really am an unstoppable force right now. school is a motherfuckin one. friends are fucking precious and successful amazing wholesome human beings that are also out here doin the motherfuckin most im so proud i love all my friends we are all such successful people with amazing futures ahead of us god im so proud im 😭😭😭 we really out here chasin our dreams n shit. aND SUCCEEDIN. and money situation is L I T. ya baby’s got a fine ass mercedes w the best dad in the world getting me AUTOSTART for this cold winter???? ya baby be workin out and doin yoga everyday, abs comin in HOT. ya gurl developin as an artist with her dream school hittin her the FUCK up for her portfolio?? i am a for real artist now but i refuse to realise my big stuff. only sketches for now, dear world. the public eye doesnt need to see me as an artist yet. no. because they always will bc its always me. but no. i gotta act chill. this isnt the artist years of your life yet. you aint settled down yet no. now is time for fun, life, school, that grind 😤😤, and ecology. BE THAT SICK ASS SCIENTIST BITCH. BE SMART AS FUCK AND SAVE THE EARTH.

2017 got three more months left. i already know that im gonna have the funnest fucking time. fam is leavin for xmas and my sister’s moving out?? ff got house parties like wild?? EVERY MONTH??? northern lights are comin out??? you dont have to wake up early for school so you can go chase them??? A N D YOU HAVE A BUNCHA FRIENDS NOW TO GO WITH??? AND WINTER IS COMING SO THERES GONNA BE MORE EVENTS INSIDE TO GO TO??? AND MEET PEOPLE?? AND YA GETTIN MORE HIGHER PAYING JOBS WITH HELLA TIPS??? YES. i said i was gonna make 2017 my bitch. boy the fuck did i and i am gonna end it with a muthafuckin bang.

#139 TALK ABOUT

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

My grandma told me about it, she said she read about it in a magazine about how it’s kinda weird but alright. We watched it on Christmas that year. And then I watched it again that night and then the next day. Donnie Darko- best movie ever. 

2:Talk about your first kiss.

 I broke up with my boyfriend after a football game when me, him, and one of our friends was walking home (we all lived in the same area) then me and the friend that was with me ran away because my now ex was following us. we went to the dollar store and got a helium balloon and went into the ally across the street. Sucked the shit out of the balloon and then made out. 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

My husband. He is so amazingly perfect I literally can not describe my feelings for him. It’s like not a physical thing because we almost never are together but when we are it is like eating a new amazing candy for the first time. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Being a bitch and not being productive. Also the dumb tattoos I game myself when I was 14. 

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

19th so far. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

probably when I turned like 16. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity.

My humor, because I find myself hilarious all the time but no one else really seems to. Except my husband and my bestie. They totally get me. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

Husband and my dog and my sister. They all pretty iight. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

The freckle on my and and the very faint freckle on my mouth. No one ever notices them and it reminds me that no one can know me better than I know myself. Even if I have no idea who I am. 

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

My sister swung a pig bat at me and then threatened me with scissors and cooking knives. 

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

I was having a bad dream but them I realized i was dreaming do I just quit having the bad dream. 

12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

The ones where my stomach drops and wakes me up. 

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

Backstory: I used to give this guy... lets call him R... bjs a lot ok. So one day i was just walking home and lets call him T comes up to me and is like “i heard you give R bjs” and I was like fuck yeah i do and then we went to T’s house and did it. It was the least romantic thing on the planet. Like I didn’t even associate with T what so ever, I hung out with his brother J but thats it. But afterwards I was getting my shit and about to leave and he goes “did you leave anything?” and I was like nope and he was like “you sure you didnt loose anything?” and I was like nope and he was like “not even your virginity?” and i was like fuck you lmao 

14:Talk about a vacation.

I dont really feel like doing this one 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life.

Right now. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

Well it’s not one specific party, but back in 2012 my friend group had this party house, on of their moms was renting it but she got a boyfriend so she never stayed there. amazing summer. 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

I want to be friends with someone who can completely relate to me. I know there are hundreds of other women going through the same exact thing I am going through, just not in my town or near where I live. 

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

I pooped my pants a little once. Typical story, thought it was a fart... it wasnt. Also once during show and tell I brought a stuffed bird and some little fuck threw up on it. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school.

I hit puberty and shaved my eyebrows. 

20:Talk about something that happened in high school.

I did a lot of drugs, got in a terrible relationship, got out of that relationship, found my mellow point and found the love of my life. 

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

when he just too ugly boo. I would say because im married but literally noone has hit on be since he put a ring on it so fuck ya

22:Talk about your worst fear. 

I dont know what my worst fear is. a lot of things scare me 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down.

Like that would ever happen psh.

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

My husband telling me he loves me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend.

Shes a fucking juvenile delinquent but damn did we have fun

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

sleep. complain about being sick.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

My husbands cheek bones and his sholders.

28:Talk about your fetishes.

penis

29:Talk about what turns you on.

penis

30:Talk about what turns you off.

bad penis

31:Talk about what you think death is like.

i have no idea 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

not being sad

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad.

cry and things like this until i get bored

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

probably anal sex for the first time

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

smoking. being nervous about things. feeling sad. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures.

facebook and playing with my doggo

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

my ex. fucking asshole 

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Ride by TOP - reminds me of one of my besties riding around on back roads hanging out the sunroof 

what does the fox say - reminds me of this annoying chick i used to hang out with. she had a fangirl crush on one of the singers. 

so many songs remind me of my husband so im not even gonna say them all but “Dancing in the Dark” is one of the main ones. we did the dance to it once but we just kinda did it. no music. it was fun, but we havent been able to since because we cant remember how to do it correctly lol 

candle in the wind reminds me of my mom because i asked her what her favorite elton john song was once when i was going through and elton john fase

i love rock n roll - reminds me of my sister, she used to listen to that song all the time. Also funky town. we made up a dance to that one. 

You raise me up - reminds me of my grandpa, it was played at his funeral. 

Roses by the chainsmokers reminds me of one of my old friends 

any hollywood undead song reminds me of a friend i had to quit hanging out with

the list is never fucking ending 

fly to the angels by slaughter reminds me of my uncle. he wants it played at his funeral. at least thats what he told my cousin and i when he was drunk one night when we were like 8

the anthem by dropkick murphys reminds me of my dad because he wants it played at his funeral

also my husband wants ..... i cant remember what its called but its a lincoln park song. he wants that played at his funeral 

39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

What my life was gonna end up like. 

40:Talk about the end of something in your life.

No. I hate things ending. 

I see what you did there you sly shit.