redsalamanderfries
Its Been 4 Years And Im Still Rambelling
Also reblog random photos, and cursed images.
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23 August
10:22 AM, Home.
Guys I have been writing regularly in my journal, but not posting here. Cuz well the internet where I was staying at was fucking trash, but thank god I am back home (have been for almost 2 weeks now, but again not posting here cuz I just didnt feel like it).
Anway I thought I should update the blog.
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I have about an hour every morning to use the internet. imagine, How shitty is that?
well guys my new bailed on me, the whole pain is back, I hate this place, I hate this place, I hate this place, I hate this place, I hate this place. No matter how hard I pretend that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough that I open them i’ll be back home, that never happens.
Im an awful person, I feel likr shit and want to die.
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Im so mad right now I cant even function properly
I dont know if its my anxiety acting up, or I am being a huge cunt. I cant tell anymore, maybe its everything.
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July 14
7:37 AM, Saturday morning, Rize
Drinking my morning tonic
Listening to Alyna Tiki (Turkish musician)
I couldn't sleep cuz of the damn tinnitus in my fucking ears, I dont know why the fuck its even there to begin with, like I get it from time to time, but its short lived. This is the first time its gone for this long, its fucking going on from last night imagine, wtf.
The internet is still being a fucking bitch btw, I dont know when it will go haywire again so im just going to internet binge until that happens. Im watching videos about my shitty ear condition, to try and understand what it is, why the fuck its happening to me, and what the fuck can I do to treat it.
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Yesterday was kinda shitty, in that my mood was shit, and I was mad. Im still lowkey mad. At everything.
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July 13
7: 38 AM, Friday morning, living room, Rize.
Drinking my morning ‘wake up babe’ tonic.
Listening to Years & Years, their new album got me fucked up bitch (I feel it in my soul).
So yesterday the internet decided to get fucked up, so bad to the point where u literally couldn't do shit on it.
I decided enough was enough, and I wanted to go out for a walk. Fuck my knee, I couldn't stay at home any longer, the weather was gloomy, chilly, windy, and lightly raining. If u know me u’ll know that this is my ideal weather, so I had to go. And I did, I climbed the damn hill and walked up and down all the stairs. Then I found a point close to the shore, and I walked and sat just admiring the ocean, and its loud waves. I got even closer and stood there captivated by it, under its spell unable to leave, and honestly, I did not want to.
I had to head back home, cuz it was getting dark. But u bet I took a bunch of pics and videos with my phone, I wana go back with my big camera.
The sea is my old friend and lover, familiar and comforting. It reflects me and helps me reflect.
with it I am finally free to be me,
with it I feel comfortable in my own skin.
I am no longer mad or sad,
I am tranquil, I am okay,
I feel actual happiness.
I took a cool red pebble with a cross carved on it, from the shore.
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Now im just worried about how my knee will react. Im hoping it won't screw me over.
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For my personal reference:
Virgo
Attracts people by: Wit, mind, sensibility, selfless giving and empathic conscience, wise guidance, stimulating conversation and knowledge, ability to care and nurture, natural proficiency and considerate
Loses people by: Intrusive problem solving and fretting, critique, paralyzed emotional defenses, frequent disengagement, nagging
Libra
Attracts people by: Natural appeal and mystique, adaptability and given respect and intrigue, cool charm and social skills, morality and empathy, relatable and sympathetic, and wise counsel, high ideals and opportunistic
Loses people by: Being unassertive and allowing it to build into a monumental outburst, imitation or echoing, obsession with relationships and romantic encounters, dependency
100% accurate lol
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Ur lying to urself if u say u hate ramen noodles bitch. It's thee ultimate guilty pleasure junk food.
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I fucking wish I can fall asleep as easily and deeply as this bloke.
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July 11
7:34 AM, living room, Rize.
Drinking hot water with lemon
Listening to lofi hiphop radio on youtube
Alright so some updates on A, so things were going good, actually cute, u know he told me his real name and I told him half of mine lol (cuz bitch my name is unique one google search and he’ll find my profile- also I have been keeping my info on the low, but still I think he knows a good amount about me).
All until we brought up the topic of religion, specifically a popular and controversial one.
Motherfucker is still texting me. I gotta go make breakfast.
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10:00 AM, living room, Rize.
Drinking ready mix hot Mocha (it's decent)
Listening to Gorillaz
Alright so to pick up from where I left, so this fucker is one of those pissed off organized religion hating types. Now look I honestly have nothing against atheists, agnostics, or whatever u want to fucking call urself. Dude its okay with me, u do u boo (one of my mottos). But this guy is relentless like I told him look fam, I dont really know what I am, I am by name in this religion sure, I follow and practice some aspects of it, but largely I still have my issues with it that I would rather not think about, cuz its a personal touchy thing. Its fucking personal okay?
But this bitch naaaa he didnt give a fuck and keep poking at me, though I made it clear I was uncomfortable and annoyed. Its also my fault I should have asked him to let it go, but I did not say it, so he kept going. But its clear that our perspectives are very different. I just go to bed. Next morning I try to close the subject, he fucking repliesss in an instant, gurl I was shook. And then goes on to so at least ur self-aware, anyway im not going to press u any further over this. I am standing front of my screen like, FUCK U, who the fuck do u think u r? I dont owe u shit jack of an explanation. I should have reminded my self of that last night. Besides why the fuck do u care that much man? u dont even know me, why does it matter to u that much lol
I honestly think he is one of those pseudo-intellectuals, that thinks hes deep cuz hes ‘unconventional’ and ‘different from the rest’ or some edgy shit. Like H’s bitch ass boyfriend.
Either way, I know now for sure nothing will work out between us, there is also his Persian background that my parents will for sure object over. Like I personally dont give a fuck, but its really telling the way he pressed on and reacted to this issue, besides hes not looking for something serious.
And his approach to life is also telling about him, as in why he went into uni, and the major he chose. But ppl change, he has learned from his mistakes, regrets them, and it trying to fix things for better future prospects for himself- which I respect. Besides I have done so much dumb shit I still deeply regret and aim to fix.
I guess we can still be friends, that okay with me. But that means I have be more careful about what I reveal about myself. I dont really feel like replying to him anymore (he barely starts a topic, its just me leading the convo and its getting annoying- but I guess he could be gauging me), he put me off with his latest stunt...
Im starting to think that I will die alone, or have to break my oath and accept petty short flings. Like im not asking for the perfect partner, thats not realistic I understand, but the required compatibilities are so hard to fucking met, and I will have to heavily compromise. But if I do that I run the risk of not being able to bare their faults- I get that an important aspect of a successful relationship is finding someone who's quirks are bearable to u. And I feel that due to the nature of my personality, no one will be able to stand me, and then I cant stand someone for long...
I need to write to H.
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July 10
11:20 AM
Drinking a hot cup of green tea (with a touch of berry flavor)
Listening to AWAKE - A Chill Synthwave Mix on Youtube
I was going to sit down and update my blog, but dads leaving, I wana go join him. Starting to get bored here. Peace.
P.s didnt even manage to finish my cup of green tea :(
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8:17 PM, my ‘room’ Rize
Drinking a cup of ginseng and peppermint tea
Listening to 24/7 lofi hip hop radio - smooth beats to study/sleep/relax on youtube live feed
Im currently talking to him, Reddit guy. Will refer to him as A, I hate that I might actually really like him. But I know we won't work out seriously, we will either fuck around or just be friends. God im such a hoe...damn it. Will see where this goes...
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God knows how badly I want to drink the perfect Mocha, when will the plants alight to allow me to indulge in that heavenly goodness? its been 2 fucking months now lol
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Guess who just checked their Reddit messages like a lil bitch...haha
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I fucking miss home, and especially my room <3
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July 9
7:54 AM, Monday morning, Living room, Rize.
Listening to lofi hip hop radio - relaxing beats to study/chill/sleep to Youtube live feed.
Thinking of having a cup of Turkish coffee in a bit (only cuz that's the only kind available at the time being).
SOOOOO okay I have updates, I have been talking to this dude on Reddit. We're getting to know one another, I still dont even know his name. I want to make sure he isnt a psychopath or some kind of troll, so I'm taking it slow (something I learned from my previous relationship).
Thinking of asking him for his number so we can talk on whatsapp (it's more convenient). Im worried about coming off as creepy, we r talking to one another to get to know each other, so is it really creepy if I ask for his number?
I guess I'm overexcited, cuz well this is a new thing for me, well not new, but different. Its been a while since I have been in a relationship, plus this dude says hes serious, as in looking for a serious relationship. So its not like he wants to fuck around, its me im worried about. Im trying to figure out why I went into this, why, and what I want out of it.
I dont just want to fuck with this guy, which means that I too am considering something serious. Which is odd for me when I openly admit it to myself...
But then again I know my self well enough, to know to an extent im bored and I wanna hoe around a bit, entertain myself. Which is exactly what fucked me over the last time, I hoed it up a tad bit much, andddd well the results wer awful what did u expect lol
This hunger inside of me, I need to understand its source and conquer it. I need to understand why I behave in such a way, I know partially its due to the fear of missing out. But I know there is more to it I need to find out.
I know I want to be in a sable emotionally supportive and healthy relationship, but the way I approach one and maintain it is something I need to do a lot of work in. These things r incredibly hard, and I dont have much exp in the matter. Not say I dont hold myself accountable, but its more difficult for me cuz of said position im currently in.
I feel that wer not really compatible, then again its still too early to say that, but I dont know its a gut feeling. I have some hints why, but they r easily dismissable at this point.
And I feel like its me, my personality and the kind of person I am makes it difficult for ppl to stay around me for so long, maybe im just being negative, and over thinking all of this (as fucking usual bitch lol- I remember I legit got a panic attack about my first serious relationship, I called Hano and cried about it like a lil bitch, she was supportive and patient telling me, bitch why r u making a fucking big deal out of this, chill damn).
I wanna be wrong about him, I wanna be wrong about all of it. But well I guess we’ll have to wait and see. In the meantime, I need to fucking stop checking Reddit every 5 fucking minutes lol (but no for real I hate myself for that).
Oh God I remembered the whole family aspect in Arab relationships, ughhhhh thats a whole nother can of shit worms....welp.
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8:53 PM
U GUYS he replied, omg. So far I think hes cool, but I still have that feeling that its just not going to work out (more so after our latest email). At this rate, I fully believe that I will never find a guy that my family and I will both at unanimously accept T^T
Why do all the fucking guys I like and are actually awesome, are racially different. Like fuck me my parents would let me be with this dude (also cuz of his religious views- or lack of therefor lol bitch thats one of the reasons I like him though, I cant be with a religious hick, it wont work out cuz im a hardcore Secularist and with a PAST- ur gurl use to hoe it up lol), why are Arabs so fucking racist fuccccckkkk UGHHH.
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