ghost of you

Wheel of Time || Moiraine/Lan

Lan is agitated, defensive, and Moiraine gets the distinct sense he’s not really hearing what she’s trying to say.  He knows she wants to mask the bond, give him a chance to visit his family in the kind of utter privacy she values, and he wants to tell her not to do it.  Moiraine thinks, not for the first time, that she’s quite lucky to have a Warder with such strength of will.  A lesser man would have succumbed to madness long ago, being left to his own devices so often. “I like her, you know.  The Wisdom.” It is true, because it has to be.  Moiraine cannot lie.  She does like Nynaeve, in the way one admires something she may never fully understand.  Much of Nynaeve’s insolence she files away with the rest, the others’ baffling tendency to disbelieve and doubt her even when she is being as forthright as is physically possible, baseless and tiresome at the very best of times.  Sometimes, however, Moiraine can understand Nynaeve’s suspicion to be borne of a genuine sense of responsibility, not merely to her charges, but to anyone she views as unable to protect himself. And on that note, she is not a little grateful to Nynaeve.  It’s not every channeler who would call upon the One Power to save the life of a Warder not her own.  It’s not every channeler who could, even if she wanted to.  Much has been whispered in recent days of the tragedy of a Warder who outlives his Aes Sedai, but the reverse is often almost as true.  Moiraine imagines, perhaps fancifully, that she would handle losing Lan even worse than he would handle losing her.

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Aaaah! I didn't expect that kind of reply to my ask!!! Thank you!!! You sent my heart into overdrive with how you elaborated on the idea lol. And hey, you can still be a Jamil lover without being a Jamil simp, right?.....r-right? 😳

I hope you don't mind if I chat with you some more! Another thing I was thinking about with Jamil- giving him presents. It doesn't even have to be with romantic intent but I think it would be hard to give him gifts (oh, I haven't read any of his birthday stories so I don't know if they go into the topic). You could give him gifts that would help him with all his servant responsibilities- a super good scrubber or super Azul detergent or...just things to make his life easier. But he could misinterpret our intention of making things easier for him as "oh, you are just a servant so here are some servant things so you'll keep doing your job. We couldn't think of any other gifts."

And what about interests that may overlap? We know he's a great cook- it's his talent and we know how it's a duty to cook for Kalim - but does he enjoy cooking? Would he do it in his free time (I'm a clown if all this has been gone through in the game already and I haven't seen it 🤡)? Would cooking related gifts be appreciated or be seen as a servant's gift? And- And what about non-physical gifts? Like lending him your time or helping him with stuff?? Like with the coupons, he'd totally say no 😮‍💨

I guess the best thing would be to get his something that might not overlap with any retainer responsibilities, like something dance or basketball related. Or maybe something for school (if he doesn't take it as an insult)? Like---- broom stick polish...or....s-sports drinks? Cash? Would cash or gift cards be better lol? Being his servant/assistant for a day? I'm putting too much thought into this lol

From, the Jamil Lover

hello again :DDD !

ashjfhdjf i'm sorry !! i kinda went overboard bc your idea was so cuteeee aaaa <33 i really enjoy making drabbles like that, with like. ideas for fics i'd almost never write bc i got too many ideas :'))) so it was p enjoyable for me to do !

and maybe you're right...just bc i'm not a jamil simp doesn't mean i can't be a jamil lover.... n i'd love to chat more ! it's so interesting to see what other ppl think of when they see these chars so by all means, keep goingg :D

but my god you're right. imagine trying to give this man a gift T^T almost as difficult as getting kalim to focus on his studies- like cleaning supplies in his mind would translate to someone patronizing him. like you said "you're just a servant, here have some more servant things to clean with" so he would...appreciate it. but also he would misinterpret it big time. he doesn't like being seen as subservient, so giving him things that remind him of the inevitability of his role isn't recommended.

and honestly with the cooking...i don't think he enjoys it that much. like he cooks as a necessity, he was kinda forced into learning it BECAUSE of kalim.

[ very light jamil's past spoilers + character analysis n ballroom dancing drabbles below the cut ]

i won't spoil stuff in book 4 but when we do see his backstory, a lot of things he took up was because kalim liked it and wanted to do it. and cooking i imagine was the same, the al-asims needed a trusted person to cook for their eldest son so he isn't poisoned, so who better than his retainer; a member of the loyal viper family?

that's not to say he might not enjoy cooking itself. maybe he does find enjoyment in it, and maybe he enjoys the process of it as well. he sure as hell cooks for himself sometimes. but a lotta the time he's always cooking for kalim and his banquets. i'm sure there isn't a fully negative connotation, but it's not something he absolutely loves doing without a doubt. it's a different passion than trey and his baking for sure.

in terms of non-physical gifts, i think he would appreciate those the best. physical gifts are kind of a reminder of a debt to someone, something that looks him in the face and says "hey, you owe this person for getting you this" though he doesn't have azul-level avoidance of debt, he probably appreciates favors above all else. so an offer to help clean up the scarabia lounge area, or one to help wash the dishes are probably something he would genuinely appreciate. (though probably not all the time...or else he'd get suspicious if you don't express your intent correctly)

i think the best gift you could give jamil is one of two things: either a favor on something that he's currently working on like mentioned above, or something related to his real hobbies.

for example, he loves to dance. despite what he might say and how hard he denies it, i think dancing was the one thing that kalim dragged him into that he fully enjoys and he fully can make his own; instead of it being another kalim-learnt-skill.

i'm like. 80% positive that he would love it if you gave him a ticket to see a street dance competition. or an invite to a dance class. actually, following up with the dance class thing:

"a dance class?"

"mhm."

"for couples dancing."

"yes."

"and you want us," jamil points the sheet at you and then back at him. "to join it?"

"how many more times do i have to explain it?" you sigh before folding your arms. "look, i need some extra class credits for this year and it's either this weekly dance class or two extra hours each week of trein's history of transmutational magic classes."

jamil's brow furrowed, "and this is an actual class nrc is hosting..?"

"it says 'bring a friend' and i can think of no one but you."

"what about kalim?" jamil asked, handing the paper back to you. "he'll probably be more...enthused about this."

"i don't think he needs an extra dance class to focus on when he has to work on his extended potionology grades. and besides," you give him a small smile. "i wanted to do this with you."

"and why is that?" though you're sure he already knows the answer, with how his hands subconsciously tug at his hood to hide himself.

"you'd be a great dance partner," you reach for one of his braids, giving it a light tug. "you also enjoy dancing. i've seen you dance, and you're absolutely great at it. and extra credits would look good on your record, so why not?"

you're almost convinced that jamil won't do it. he stayed silent for so long that you already turn around before he finally says, "wait. fine, i'll do it with you."

you cheer and he holds up a hand, "but only for this semester. don't ask me to do it again."

anon i'm sobbing T^T now i'm just imagining dancing with jamil viper. learning how to do waltz and the tango and him just patiently guiding us through the steps. (ok maybe not patiently, he's the type to tease with a straight face, so he'll probably do that. and he might just call you hopeless if you're struggling really hard bc. he's mean. sometimes.)

ohHHHhHh wwwwaIITTT I'M GONNA GO INTO CARDIAC ARRESTTTT BALLROOM DANCING WITH JAMIL- JAMIL IN A SUITTTT SUHFDUHFSJKF JAMIL, DIPPING YOU WHEN YOU TRIP. AND JUST. STARING AT YOU BLANKLY FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PULLING YOU UP (when you look away he's blushing as he coughs into his hand, the tips of his ears turning red-)

n e ways i hope that was. enjoyable to read. and somewhat coherent bc i swear to god i probably wasn't making much sense- thank you again for chatting with me, jamil lover anon ! hopefully this fulfills your daily jamil needs hehe <333

Hey! I know you don't have the answer to this, but what are some of your theories concerning Johnny's feelings towards Morrissey? When i listen/read Morrissey's solo work it seems that their relationship wasn't completely one-sided (in the other hand in the smiths it seems so). Also how Morrissey often gives hints in his songs (and even in that interview "why doesn’t anyone ever assume that Johnny Marr was in love with me?") that Johnny isn't/wasn't being true to himself. 1/2

Especially in the song (that wasn’t released)  “Born To Hang”  “I am born to hang but not to have kids and to never be wed, no to someone who I don't even love” like it seems so strange.  By the way i absolutely love this blog (especially your essays) you’re such a good analyst, keep going! 2/2

hey anon, thank you so much! i’m glad you enjoy my ramblings! :)

i’ll try to answer your question step by step (and as usual, keep in mind that these are all just theories and speculations... after all, i wasn’t even born when all of this stuff happened haha)

so, first of all: do i believe that Johnny could be gay/bi? personally... yes. i don’t know if you’ve ever read Johnny’s autobiography, Set The Boy Free... it came out a few years ago and there’s a passage in the 5th chapter which i’ve never seen anyone talk abt, but which i personally think it’s worth considering when talking abt Johnny’s stand on the lgbt community: “My friend Tony was a beautiful creature, another Bowie fan, with a blond Ziggy haircut, high cheekbones, and green eyes like a Siamese cat. [...] Tony was three years older than me and was the first guy I knew who was openly gay. [...] We were together a lot, and it got some people talking, which didn’t bother me at all - we had a lot of things in common, and plenty to talk about. [...] One Saturday afternoon [...] we were waiting at the bus stop when two big uglies came over and started making cooing noises and blowing kisses. I looked at Tony’s face as he continued talking to me, and I could see he was aware of the situation. ‘Eh,’ said one of the lads, ‘are you queers?’. They were obviously up for a fight. I readied myself for the inevitable as Tony continued to talk to me with his back to the goons and appeared to be ignoring their remarks until one pushed him in the back and said, ‘Eh, y’fuckin’ queer’. With that, Tony grabbed my head and kissed me on the lips for what seemed like a very, very long time, then spun around and attacked the biggest of the two with really hard punches to the face until the lad went to his knees. He then grabbed the other guy, who was backing off, punched him very hard in the face and threw him down into the road full of traffic. [...] As we ran towards the train station, Tony turned to me and said, ‘That was nice’ and then, laughing, he added, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t do it again.’

let’s keep in mind this was back in the 70s, Johnny was still a teenager growing up in a violently homophobic environment, and yet he makes a point of underlining the fact that ppl thinking he was gay bc he was hanging out with a gay bloke didn’t bother him in the slightest, even though he could’ve literally been beaten up for it. it’s true that he later met Angie, they got together and he never looked back, but i often wonder... if he had met Morrissey while he was still single, would things have panned out differently for them? if Morrissey’s romantic feelings towards Johnny had been mutual, would Johnny have had the courage to take their relationship any further? when reading Johnny’s interviews, i always get the feeling that he’s the kind of person who would rather show than tell. and, after leaving The Smiths, what does he do (among other things)? he collabs with The Pet Shop Boys, another band whose members have often been rumoured to be in a relationship with each other. and, a couple of years later, he co-writes and plays on Billy Bragg’s song Sexuality, with lyrics such as: “And just because you’re gay I won’t turn you away / If you stick around I’m sure that we can find some common ground.” it’s like... he never reveals anything specifically abt himself and his sexual orientation, but he uses the thing he’s most famous for (his guitar work) to leave enough breadcrumbs around to let ppl know exactly where he stands on the matter.

now... do i believe Morrissey was in love with Johnny? yes. obviously i will never be able to prove that 100%, but i feel like the clues are just too many to ignore.

however... do i believe that Johnny reciprocated Morrissey’s feelings? ... yes. kind of. i think that because they weren’t just friends but colleagues as well, most of their relationship was shrouded in ambiguity out of necessity. my theory is that Johnny knew of Morrissey’s feelings for him but that he may have underestimated them, thinking it was only a crush when actually for Moz it was much more than that, only realising the full extent of the situation when it was too late (after Morrissey allegedly phoned him to tell him he’d od’d on sleeping pills and confessed his love for him - which would also explain why, according to Bernard Sumner, he was feeling “traumatised” by him). this, combined with the fact that he was already in a relationship and that his drive and ambition made him prioritise the band and their music above everything else, may all have been contributing factors as to why he never felt like he could’ve explored, let alone embraced whatever he was feeling towards Morrissey, even if he wanted to.

Hi! Can I have a Naruto Hetalia JJBA Batman and Demon Slayer matchup please? (If you do Supernatural or dragon ball please take out Naruto is it's one of them and Naruto plus Batman if it's the two and remplace them ^^') I am a 5'4 INTP-F gemini (more of an ambivert) ace/heteromantic girl pale skin wavy dark brown hair (the tips are purple) and eyes (with glasses) plus a little chubby(always with a smirk/bitch face).Sassy I love justice/cats/puns/dark humor/tease/draw prank fight debate(about everything) learn and read(especially mystery thriller and fantasy) plus I'm a devil's advocate.Very open minded but confused with feelings (and people) so I'm an expert at making jokes at the wrong time (and saying things I didn't mean or hurting someone because of how I said it) and not reacting "normally" to some situations.Not very touchy in public and have some issues.I'm charismatic prideful(saying sorry for me takes TIME and good luck if you want to have the last word cuz you won't) vengeful but I look chill with a shady aura(only explanation beside my blunt side as to why ppl never tell me secrets even if my friends say I have a baby face and eyes).I have some anger issues even thought it's more annoyance then anger(tsundere),so it's rare for me to lose my composure or the image I give out publically ,if not I can't control myself.I care about my friends and family even If they don't notice it and they don't come to me for help cause they say I can be blunt while I think it's better to finish this quickly so I am more logical, but in reality and on the outside I'm expressive/talkative/protective/insecure a little naive but adventurous and a tomboy with some sadistic tendencies (my conscience saved you all).I'm cruel to my enemies and indifferent towards nearly every situation but in reality I'm very kind (I hate suck ups and "idiots" I become very mean a snappy with them to the point where they get hurt without me realising same thing with some of my friends because of my sharp tongue)!Very curious(and polite unless you disrespect me or is disrespectful toward something I believe in) in every domain(morbid ones especially)+ have no problem talking about anything unless it's sexual or VERY gore which means that morally a lot of my entourage don't agree with me.A daydreamer but calculative and a smartass+chaotic good/neutral and (nearly)never let's you have the last word. Those who don't talk to me see me as a nerd aggressive smart and blunt person (maybe even prideful) and strangers as a polite sweetheart. I have some bad habits like biting my nails/lips bcs I am always nervous, disorganized room/sleep and eating schedule plus I am lazy. I don't understand a lot of references because I find movies as predictable and borings (I never saw a marvel etc) and my style varies a lot but I never wear dresses heels/makeup. Thank you!

Naruto: Sasuke! 

 - Sasuke’s own hard-headed (and a bit antagonistic) personality would match well with yours. You may both argue or banter back and forth a lot, but you’d have equal say in the relationship since you’re both on the same level in terms of humor, debate skills, and intelligence. 

 - He can be a bit awkward in social situations too-a lot of times he misses social cues, so some people can be a bit confused/hesitant around him. You two would probably be able to bond over your shared struggles and understand that it’s not because the two of you don’t want to talk to others, it’s just that you have different struggles than others in the village. 

Hetalia: Kiku Honda (APH Japan)! 

 - Kiku is also someone who prefers not to be affectionate in public, and sometimes even in private, so he’d be a great s/o for you in that regard, as you’d have a mutual understanding about that. 

 - Kiku is actually really passive aggressive and can hold grudges too-he just really doesn’t show that side of himself outside of when he’s alone or with an extremely trusted person. While arguing with each other might be rough, you’d have a very strong bond with each other since you often have the same views on other people and situations. 

JJBA: Abbachio! 

 - Abbachio certainly understands struggling with anger issues, so he’d be actually pretty understanding as long as it’s not taken out on those he cares about. 

 - Abbachio is also someone who cares deeply about others, but does it in secret as well. He doesn’t like admitting he cares for others, so an s/o who understands that and doesn’t push him to be extra affectionate or anything to that extent. 

Batman: Harvey Dent! 

 - Harvey would admire your almost cut throat approach to handling your enemies and those you don’t want to deal with. He is know to show mercy occasionally, but sometimes he’d want to act the way that you do, and would look to you for pointers. 

 - He’s rather intelligent and likes to research and learn new things in his downtime, so he’d enjoy that you are the same way. Reading together or doing things like watching documentaries would be nice, relaxing pastime for the both of you. 

Demon Slayer: Giyu! 

 - In his line of work, being calculating and one step ahead is a necessity of sorts. Therefore, Giyu would admire your ability to do the same, and that would help him feel like you can protect yourself when he can’t be there. 

 - He can be a bit awkward when approaching people at first, so your apparent sweet and nice personality could help with that. As you grow closer, he would come to love the more sassy and blunt side of you-it may have just sacred him off at the beginning without your gentle pretense. 

tw: pictures of food that may or may be fear foods

but also some pro recovery shit! fuck eds!

SO TODAY I SAID

FUCK U

TO MY BRAIN N WEIRD EATING BEHVAIORS AND TOLD MYSELF IMMA EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON TODAY (or as normal) AND TRY TO LISTEN TO MY HUNGER CUES, AND IF U DONT FEEL EM, EAT A BIT ANYWAY, U PROBS NEED IT, AND IF U EAT A BIT N U KNOW UR NOT HUNGRY, TELL URSELF ITS OK

Also just a reminder to y'all food is a necessity, not a reward 💕 yalls important n beautiful

IM SORRY IM TRYING TO ADD A READ MORE LINE BUT THE FUCKING TUMBLR APP GIVES SHIT FORMATTING AND I CANT EDIT IT ON MY LAPTOP BC ITS DUMB AND SO PLEASE IF THIS IS TRIGGERING PLS SKIP OVER

I ATE HALF THIS BURGER. IT TASTED OK, NTN SPECIAL, BUT I DO LOVE KETCHUP

I ATE SOME OF MY FAVORITE FISH + SOME RICE N MY LEFTOVER SPAM ONIGIRI I MADE A BIT AGO

I MADE MILK BREAD TODAY, I ATE SOME W WHIPPED CREAM N FROOT (mah favs, mango n banan n strawberry ✨)

I MADE THESE STRANGE LOOKING CHOCOLATE DONUTS TWO DAYS AGO, I ATE ONE LEFTOVER

AND TODAY WAS THE FIRST TIME I RLLY HAD ANY FOOD FROM OUTSIDE SO FUCK YEAH I GOT BOBA. COCONUT STRAWBERRY WUZ THE SHIT TODAY. tho I wish there were better boba places in my area, but this place isn't too bad!

so yeah hopefully you take this as some positivity ✨ did I feel great? Nope. Deep down I know I'm scared of recovery, even though I know something is wrong and I need to fix it. Ive always been scared that recovery = "letting myself go." And the fact that I gained weight during my remission period just confirmed it. But I didn't consider all the other factors going on in my life that contributed to it. Ive been refusing even just trying to believe that where I'm at with my weight is okay. Constantly I feel like I do and dont deserve to feel like I'm fat. There's too much to consider in this mess. But what i do knownis thag I don't want to tell others get better when even I'm not putting that effort to get better myself. We all know its a lot of work and it's exhausting, but we can't give up. I've been keeping secrets from the ppl closest to me again and last time it happened I rlly hurt them. Hopefully I'll try to improve so that I don't keep spiraling down like I have in the past and repeat cycles of remission/relapse. I'm lucky enough to have people support me, and I take them for granted and refuse to reach out because I know that im supposed to "get better" when that's the last thing I wanna do. Why do I cling on so desperately to something i both love and hate, and all it does is make me suffer. I pray that you have others you can rely on, have resources available, etc. because you deserve and need help. And if you got nobody else to turn to Im always here to listen.

sorry this was long I went on a rant ahaha I could probs say more or edit this but I'm too lazy

i don't mean to offend anyone, all our experiences r v different and there’s no easy solution to any of the things we face. I wish there were better ways and answers. But first we must be open to them. I know that some day we'll all eventually feel okay 💕 and I can't wait :)