TMFU + Certainly Not a Bot Tumblr Descriptions (inspiration)

WAVERLY: Sixteen hours from now, Mr. Solo, [...] we'll reduce the island and everything on it to rubble. SOLO: Sir? They can't do that. WAVERLY: I beg your pardon. SOLO: Well, uh, IIIya, sir.

—3.12 | "The Concrete Overcoat Affair" – Part 2

Random thought: (I apologise if this has been written already.)

Napoleon tries to seduce Illya with food. He starts bringing food or baked goods to work. He tries to cover it up by sharing them with Gaby/Waverly/other UNCLE agents too, but he always makes the food primarily for Illya. He starts inviting Gaby and Illya over for dinner more often. However, he always comes up with some excuse why he is giving Illya food. Like: "Hey, Peril? Wanna come over for dinner? I made way more food than I can eat and Gaby already turned me down because she has some other plans."

His excuses get more and more flimsy with time and everyone, literally everyone around them realises that Napoleon is trying to seduce Illya with food. Everyone except Illya, who is so deep into believing Napoleon could never like him back that the thought that the food is something else than food doesn't even cross his mind.

At some points it crosses from being amusing to watch to being frustrating, so Gaby (and probably even Waverly) start dropping very not subtle hints about Napoleon's intentions.

Waverly, trying to mediate after a fight between Illya and Napoleon which resulted in no less than three explosions: "Listen, Kuryakin, sometimes you just have to decide if you'd rather bury the hatchet or bury your partner."

Illya: "Well, that depends."

Waverly: *sigh* "On what?"

Illya: "Is it very good hatchet?"

Napoleon: *outraged screeching*

[3 pages of short comic. Please read panels from right to left like in manga, thank you!]

This was for my dear recipient Huggiebird for The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Gift Exchange 2023. Lots of amazing works there! Please check out the whole collection!

I love drawing anything food-related so naturally I went with this prompt lol

The title comes from the quote: “No matter where you are in the world, you are at home when tea is served.” – Earlene Grey (poet)

Illya and Napoleon are somewhere between friends and lovers and they're currently stuck in the temporary shared housing in London(but they're not complaining at all). Gaby on the other hand has the privilege of enjoying a nice flat all by herself. (If you find Illya's room and bed way too big that's because I was stupid🤣)

Illy and Napoleon: *fighting over how to run a mission* Illya: Go on then, try me. Napoleon: Oh I intend to. Waverly: Uh, is this a fight or foreplay? Gaby: It might be both?

Rofl, a Man from UNCLE page I follow on Facebook just posted an old piece of fan art I made and shared here back at the height of my TMFU obsession. That was the absolute last thing I expected to see on my wall!

"RIP to those guys, I wish they'd stay dead next time."

-Mr. Waverly, probably

Waverly's opinion on the ordeal

hey ummm guys did u know that 😳😳

IN NEW YORK CITY 🏙️ ON A STREET IN THE EAST 🧭 FORTIES THERE'S AN ORDINARY TAILOR 🪡🧵SHOP....OR IS IT ORDINARY 😳🤯

WE ENTER 🏃THROUGH THE AGENTS ENTRANCE 🚪 AND WE ARE NOW IN U.N.C.L.E HEADQUARTERS ‼️‼️ THAT'S THE UNITED 🤝 NETWORK 🌐 COMMAND FOR LAW ⚖️ AND ENFORCEMENT 🚩

UNCLE IS AN ORGANIZATION CONSISTING OF AGENTS 👫👬👭 OF ALL NATIONALITIES 🌐, IT'S INVOLVED IN MAINTAINING POLITICAL 🤵 AND LEGAL⚖️ ORDER ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD🌎

MY NAME IS NAPOLEON SOLO 👦 I'M AN ENFORCEMENT AGENT IN SECTION 2️⃣ HERE 💪 THAT'S OPERATIONS AND ENFORCEMENT 🙏

I AM ILLYA KURYAKIN 👱 I AM ALSO AN ENFORCEMENT 💪 AGENT LIKE MY FRIEND 💑 NAPOLEON, I GO🏃 AND I DO WHATEVER I AM TOLD TO 🤔 BY OUR CHIEF

OH YES, ALEXANDER WAVERLY 👴 NUMBER 1️⃣ SECTION 1️⃣ IN CHARGE OF THIS, OUR NEW YORK 🗽HEADQUARTERS 😌 IT'S FROM HERE 👆 THAT I SEND ➡️ THESE YOUNG MEN 👦👱 ON THEIR VARIOUS MISSIONS 🏃🏃🏼

Ignoring that homophobia exists (because it's all bullshit), let's imagine that Napoleon and Illya met a long time ago (maybe during the war, or, perhaps more realistically, during one of Napoleon's first missions for the CIA). They were young and in love and they got married in secret (now, when I'm thinking more about this, I realised that they could have met during the war and fell in love, but they didn't have enough time to develop a relationship, but then they met druing one of Napoleon's first CIA missions again and that's when they got married in some small, random European town). They planned to run away together, but with the Cold War and CIA and KGB in the way, they didn't manage to do it. Maybe they had to cease all contact for a few months to ease suspicions and make sure they wouldn't be discovered (just imagine all the angst and longing). Over the years, they maintained a long-distance relationship where they tried to communicate and meet as much as possible without arousing any suspicions. They were very good at it and the KGB and the CIA never had even the slightest idea.

And then the events in the movie happen. I think the espace from East Berlin would play out pretty much the same way it did in the movie. Them being married kind of gives Napoleon's line: "Somehow it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do," new context. I think that would 100% be his reaction when someone asks him if he doesn't want to shoot his secret husband. Also, imagine how much of self-control poor Illya had to exert to keep a poker face while he was being briefed about Napoleon by the KGB. I bet he really wanted to be like: "Please, can I have some of these photos of young Napoleon? For nostalgia's sake. He was so adorable." Also, also, Napoleon would feel pretty bad for dropping Illya in the minefield, but Illya forgives him after Napoleon bakes him a few cakes, satisfying Illya's sweet tooth.

And during their fight in the bathroom, they totally snuck in some kisses when Oleg and Sanders weren't paying too much attention. And their little exchange about who picks which lock ("I take top." "I'll take the bottom.") was definitely followed by a dirty joke from Napoleon. Also, Illya had to be so jealous and hurt when he heard Napoleon and Victoria together. Like, he rationally knows that Napoleon does honeypot missions and that he also has to keep up his womanizer persona, and it's not like he doubts Napoleon's love for him. He just never had to witness it so closely and it's painful. And this scenario also opens up the opportunity for lots of comforting after Napoleon gets rescued from Rudi, because he doesn't have to act like a tough spy, but he can be a bit vulnerable in front of his husband and let Illya fret over him (at least for bit; they still have a mission to complete afterall). I also imagine that Waverly acts like he is absolutely clueless about Illya and Napoleon's marriage, but in reality he knows about it, because he managed to find out when he was doing a background check on them before he hired them for UNCLE.

Now I really want to read a fic which is a rewrite of canon where Illya and Napoleon are secretly married.

Don't give it a hand, offer it a soul

Part of the Zombie Illya AU.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Zombie Illya Kuryakin, Movie Setting With Supernatural Elements, Undead, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Dehumanization, Illya Kuryakin Whump, Hurt Illya Kuryakin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Referenced/Past Non-Consensual Body Modification, Could Read as Gen or OT3, Developing Relationships

Summary: Five sleepless nights.

Notes: The title is from "It will come back" by Hozier. I've FINALLY finished this, I've been working on it on and off since I published the second fic for this series loooool. Enjoy!

.

1.

His shoulder is throbbing.

Illya isn’t sure if the waves of heat running through his body are all in his head, or if it’s the bullet burning him alive from the inside out—some magical creatures can’t stand contact with this metal or the other, after all, and he didn’t think to ask if it would apply to him too now. He never had to think about it before.

It’s probably all in his head.

He can feel himself twitching, restless and tense like he hasn’t reached shelter, and he thinks it might have something to do with the fact that he has a bullet embedded in his shoulder and nobody seems to think of it as an emergency. He was told to wait around for instructions, as they discuss how to proceed, and he has barely moved since.

He knows, logically, that he doesn’t need to get the bullet out, not immediately at least. He isn’t bleeding, he isn’t really wounded, even the pain is somewhat duller than what a gunshot wound should be, and yet—there’s a more primal part of his brain that insists on panicking, that keeps yelling that he needs to sit down and take care of it, that he’s in danger and he’s being stupid.

He’s shaking, he thinks. His legs are unsteady and the world is swaying around the edges, because he apparently can’t convince himself that he’s fine, that he’s always going to be fine, from now on.

It’s been two weeks, since they turned him. He hopes he will soon get used to it.

[More on Ao3]

Relationship: Illya Kuryakin & Alexander Waverly

Characters: Alexander Waverly, Illya Kuryakin

Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Protective Alexander Waverly, Salt and Light, Angst, Badass Alexander Waverly

Summary:

Alexander took a few steps forward, and Illya silently drifted behind him. “I’m sorry, but if you wish to threaten one of my agents, you’ll have to go through me first.”

Novikoff raised an eyebrow in amusement. “You understand,” he said casually, “that I could quite literally… what was it you say, go through you?”

Alexander smiled tightly.

“I don’t doubt it,” he said. “In fact, I’m sure it would take you less than half a second to do it, so of course, I don’t mean it in a literal sense; purely figuratively, you will have to go through me. And let me assure you, I have connections everywhere around the globe, and I will not hesitate to pull any strings necessary to assure the safety of my operations or the agents under my care.”

---- A former handler of Illya's tries to threaten him. Alexander quickly puts him in his place.