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supercasey · 5 years

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Why I don't make many friends over the internet anymore

Alright, so, I know I've vagued about this a lot. I know I've been leaving y'all in the dark, and I'm sorry for that. I thought I could hold this all in until it went away, but she isn't going away, and I don't want to be angry anymore; I just want to move on and get better.

So yeah... This is why I don't try to make friends online anymore. This is why I don't talk online much at all. This is what happened. Take it as you will, all I ask is that you understand that I'm at my limit with this person, and I ask that you please don't harass her once you realize all that went down (if you even figure out who she is. She's sorta... infamous in the RvB fandom, and not in a good way). I just want her to leave me alone, and starting a fight won't solve this mess.

It started with a bad fanfic that I wrote.

...

I will not say the name, but I wrote it for RvB and it was... a vent story. On my alternate account. About... gross shit. I double guessed posting it at all but I was determined to vent about my fucking issues, and this seemed like the best way to do so. And, surprise surprise... It's my most well received RvB fic, and I'm not even taking full credit for it.

To make it simple, it's about age regression. No, it is not sexualized. No, I don't get off on it. Yes... I age-slide. I hate it. It hasn't happened in a bit here, but I still hate it, so I made a fic where the characters are forcibly made to age-slide and it's written out as the psychological horror that it's meant to be. Except... there was always this one Anon, the one consistently rooting for the villains. Even when the heroes were rescued, they begged for more time with the heroes kidnapped and abused. They loved their "pwecious wittle babies UwU" and wanted nothing more but for the torture to continue.

I... humored them. I joked and bantered, but nothing was done. I never undid the rescue, and while the characters were still very much suffering from the results of their kidnapping, they were actively recovering, and I loved it. The small crowd of regulars I had following my story were pleased, and always willing to give me support. I felt validated. I felt good knowing that I was able to expose age-sliding in a way that wasn't grossly sexualized or enjoyed. While the characters were happy at times, it was a naive happiness, and it was made clear that what was happening wasn't safe or okay.

A few months pass without an update. I've grown a bit tired of the story, still plagued by self doubtful fears of my work being perceived as some sexual bastardization of a story. Then, one day, I get a message on Tumblr. I don't recognize the username but... they found me out. They knew it was me writing the story (to be fair my style kinda stands out in the fandom, not to mention that I'm bad at lying) and they wanted to talk about it. I was, of course, fucking terrified. But, to my utter surprise... they liked it. And they wanted to discuss my thoughts on it!

I was estatic! Finally, someone who understood! Someone who I could talk to about this horror story that means so much to me! However, it soon became clear that we interpreted the story... very differently. Where I used it as a means of venting and exposing the trauma of unwillingly regressing at a moment's notice, my newfound "friend" loved the "baby fantasy" and wanted to "adopt" the main characters, especially the boy.

I kinda just... enabled it. No, I encouraged it. I was so desperate for a friend, I actively wrote little things for her where the age-sliding was more consensual/enjoyable, all while wishing for it to go back to being an insight on abuse. But it never was about that; it was about fulfilling her needs and making a baby doll for her to fantasize about.

Before long, we had been chitchatting back and forth for a few months, and eventually over a year. I was happy, or at least, I convinced myself that I was. I struggled to respond regularly so it wasn't that bad, right? I wasn't always around her so I couldn't be that upset, right? Time passes, I idly mention having an online friend to my family and they, the loving family that they are, support me. They're amazed that the loner of the family has finally made an actual online friend.

Suddenly, talk of meeting face to face becomes commonplace. She's in Washington and I'm in Michigan, so I figure it's never gonna happen. I'm wrong. The year is 2018, and February's just hit. Talk of RTX has started, and I, a shy little RvB fan with hardly any money, know I'm not going. But my friend is. She's excited, already telling me about her plans, when she suddenly asks if I'm going.

I of course say no. I mean, come on, I'm not even close to rich enough to pay for a whole trip across the US. But my friend is... insistent. I make if clear that I can't afford it, and out of the blue, she offers to take me. No strings attached, no payment on my part (except of course for merch), just bring... me.

I'm of course floored. RTX? Really? My siblings and I have always wanted to go, ever since we started with AH videos. But here it is, right in front of me. An opportunity to go to the biggest convention I've ever heard of, and she... really wasn't taking no for an answer. I tell her that I'll think about it, that I need time to figure it out. She assures me that it's fine, take all the time I need. I tell my family about the offer, about how I've known her for over a year and trust her (I don't, but I'm too afraid to admit it). Mom's scared, but at the promise of a video call with my friend, she chills out. Dad's supportive, but also a bit worried. My siblings are over the moon, excited for me and raring to someday go as well.

It's obvious, right? Now I have to go. After all, my friend HAS to have someone go with her, and no one else she knows wants to go. After all, my siblings have always wanted to go, and it would be shitty to say no when they'd say yes in a heartbeat. After all, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and really, who wouldn't?

I say yes. I save all the money I can, my dad video chats her, and then... I'm off. I fly to Texas (I insisted on buying my own plane ticket). Up to that point I had never left my family before, not for over forty-eight hours, and yet here I was, leaving for over a week. My therapist, my parents, and my siblings were all cheering for me to go, to get out of my comfort zone and do the thing I never should've been able to do.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was scared I wouldn't come home alive.

I land in Austin, Texas the day before RTX begins. I meet her in the airport. I'd already seen her face before, so I wasn't exactly surprised, but I felt safer seeing she was a bit heavier. I could outrun her, if need be. I could get away, if she tried to take me. Unless I was in headspace. Unless I was a little fucking baby. Unless I was sliding and woke up on a one way trip to Washington-

I shook my head. No, I thought. No, I'll be okay. Stop being paranoid, Ted, it's all in your fucking head. Again. Paranoid motherfucker.

We got to our hotel room, and after a long day of walking around and exploring Austin, we called it an early night, eager for tomorrow's adventures.

It was fun, at least at first. She got me a platinum badge, so we got a garanteed spot everywhere we went. There was a cool-ass rec room for platinum badge wearers where we could chill in-between events. I stuck close to her, as she's been to RTX a thousand times over, and I felt like it was going to be okay. That night, I streamed all of Nomad of Nowhere, and intended on going to the panel the next day. Unfortunately, things took a... bad turn.

You see, my friend had enemies. People she believes are "heartless abusers who are evil and cannot be trusted", especially not near me. Well, I'm a dumbass, and I can't keep track of everyone in her fucking burn book (too many names to count). Cue a mutual from Tumblr contacting me, wishing to finally meet me in person (I made a post about being at RTX and they saw it). I, of course, agreed.

Later, I nonchalantly mention that I'm going to meet up with a mutual at the RvB panel. She asks who it is. Still unaware of the shift in my friend's mood, I casually say the username. She goes white.

"I'm sorry, did you say [INSERT NAME]?"

"Uh... Yeah? Is that... bad?"

Holy. Fucking. Shit. She loses it, sobbing like I shot her dog. Empathetic little bastard that I am, I also begin to cry, begging to know what's wrong. Cue a lot of "How could you!?"s Followed by me desperately apologizing, still completely in the dark.

Apparently, my mutual? Her worst enemy. Number one. They who must not be named. And me, a dumbass with PTSD induced memory issues, did not remember the one time she mentioned them. So now I'm fucked, in-between a sobbing friend and a promise to meet a mutual. I've gotta fix this, and fast. I was scared, and in a panic, I promised her that, no, I'm not meeting to "be their friend". I'm just... seeing what they look like! So I can protect my REAL friend!

This all felt very dramatic, and honestly a tad juvenile. Here we were, me just shy of twenty, and her over twenty-one. I felt like I was in second grade, promising not to be friends with anyone else on the playground. Hell, I was still in the dark as to what this person had fucking DONE.

Later, we meet. My mutual is, unsurprisingly, incredibly nice and sweet. We compliment each other's writing in the back of the room after the panel, all while I know my friend is watching from afar, glaring at us. I make it quick, too scared to get in trouble, and then it's over. I felt like such an asshole, blowing my mutual off, but I was afraid of the lion a few feet away, ready to pounce and maim me.

Afterwards, I was grilled about our talk. What'd we talk about? What did they say? Was that laughing she heard? Were we laughing at her? *Gasp* Am I turning on her!? Oh, she knew it, she knew it! I'm an ABUSER! Another monster!

This, of course, gets me crying. I'm empathetic as all hell and as a result I'm unfortunately prone to taking on other's emotions. She knows this. We get out of there, but the tension is high. She has a panel only she's interested in, so I stay alone in the hotel room.

Again, I made the most of it. I binged all of Nomad of Nowhere for the first time, and it was enough to calm me down. Delighted, I discovered that the panel for NoN would be the next day, around noon. When my friend returned, I was quick to fill her in, begging if we could go. She smiled, and promised we would. I fell asleep quickly that night, momentarily forgetting the drama for a bit.

The next morning, my friend's dead quiet. I ask if she's alright, and I'm repeatedly assured that she's fine. We reach the convention center around 8AM, and agree to meet up at 11 so we can catch the NoN panel together. I run off to wander and explore, and my friend goes off on her own for awhile.

For two hours, I'm chill. Everything's super. I talk to cosplayers and I listen to my music, and at around 10AM... I get a worrying text from my friend. I'm not going to post screenshots (because they're out of context/confusing/taking screenshots for a call out makes me feel shitty) but it started as her repeatedly saying how her enemy was "ruining the con for her" and how she was crying. I immediately start looking for her, but I have no idea where she is. Just as I'm getting ready to check the hotel, she sends me this:

"I'm writing down a statement!" ((Reporting my mutual))

I panic. I'm fuckin' bolting through the con, looking for the help desk. I'm crying, I'm shaking, I'm scared I'm gonna pass out. Thankfully, I find a guardian. She leads me to the help desk and there my friend is, crying her eyes out while filling out a form to report her enemy for... existing. And being "mean" to her on Tumblr. Yeah.

I was still kinda having a panic attack when this occurred, so it's kinda blurry at bits. I remember sitting on the floor next to her (there weren't a lot of chairs and I didn't want to be rude and ask for one) and rubbing her back. I gave her my extra Arizona green tea because it was still cold and had honey in it.

The guardians praised me, saying I was a great friend. I felt like the scum of the earth.

Awhile passed. She filled out her form, and after the guardians checked over her "screenshot evidence", they told her there was nothing they could- or should- do. They chilled her out and told her it was HER con, and to not let some bully get in the way of it. Tearfully, I apologized over and over again. They just smiled and assured me that it was fine. It wasn't.

We almost missed the NoN panel. Almost. I wonder, sometimes, if that was intentional.

I should mention now, while I have the chance, that I was keeping contact with my older brother through all of this. When I was sitting on the floor panicking, I texted my brother for advice. He offered to talk to my friend about this (I knew exactly how that would go, considering how my friend was), and I just... cried. Cried and begged him not to make my friend mad. He didn't, but I could tell he was willing (and wanting) to tell her off.

The rest of the convention went... bumpy. There were a few more meltdowns, but overall, I survived. We went to the airport early (because I was afraid) because there was nothing to do, and after she left to wait for her flight... I felt safe again. I breathed in. I breathed out. If I cried, all the more reason to leave early.

Back home, life returned to normal. My older brother was worried about me, but I blew him off in favor of trying to be like him and have a successful online friendship. I was not backing down. People are sensitive sometimes, right? It doesn't matter that her reasons for hating my mutual are inaccurate and fake. I'm her friend. It doesn't matter that she scares me. She took me to RTX. It doesn't matter that I'd rather die than keep talking to her when all she does is make me afraid. I owe her. She's been nothing but kind. I'm just a selfish, greedy little bastard that needs to be grateful and stop questioning this.

It gets worse. Now she wants to know everything about me. She wants to hear every detail of my trauma, every moment of fear or weakness. I tell her I'm scared, and not ready.

"Just a little, sweetie. Just tell me a bit. How am I supposed to be your friend if I don't know what's damaged you? How am I supposed to have you if you keep running to your big brother?"

So... I told her everything. I tried to keep it small, but lord knows I'm an oversharing mess. The minute I start, I can't stop. She knows that. A few hours and it's all typed out; my heart, my soul, my damaged bastard of a body. She says she loves me. She says she'll take care of me forever. I tell her I need a break, and for over two weeks I'm mentally fucked, drifting in and out of headspace, struggling to coexist with my dug up trauma. I'm drowning. I'm scared.

While all of this occurred, my friend took it too far. When discussions of next year's RTX came up (always from her. I'm never going back there, not with her, maybe never again), she balked at the thought of me bringing my siblings (with them paying for themselves of course).

Mostly, she feared my brother. She caught wind of his suspicions, and immediately began to try and convince me that my brother was Bad, and he was gonna Hurt Her. Didn't I promise to protect her? Didn't I promise to keep her safe? Now's the time, Ted, chop chop! Your best friend needs you!

Except... she was a dumbass to think I'd ever turn on my brother. One night, after all of this; after telling her everything about me, after sharing my deepest traumas, after refusing to turn against my brother... She went off. She began mass texting me, accusing me of abusing her, of being a monster. How could I? How could I be so mean and terrible? That must make me an abuser, and all abusers are the same! Evil!

I was... shocked. And hurt. And crying. I broke down, and finally- fucking finally- I told my brother everything. About the emotional abuse, about the pressure, about the guilt... I must've talked for two hours straight, just flipping out. By the end, I was ready to do what I needed to do, and with my brother's support... I cut ties. I told her I was done.

Three days later (she always texted back right away, so I knew she was giving me time to wonder what she'd do) she responded with a "I think we need a break from each other :/ we're both pretty terrible, huh? :/// Mostly you but whatever bye ://///"

Since then, I've been trying to get better. She still sometimes does things in order to remind me that she's around and stalking my Tumblr (sent a few messages before she abruptly deleted the blog she used to talk to me (still has her main), passive aggressively messaged me for a spell, finally made me lose my cool by harassing my sister, etc) but I'm trying to ignore it.

I know this is a lot... but they're hard lessons to learn, and I'd much rather you all learn them through my stupid actions before you get hurt or cornered: Not everyone online is your friend. Just because they say they love you doesn't mean they love YOU. Trust your fucking gut before you drag your ass onto a plane because someone told you to. And most importantly of all... Not everyone you're told to hate is bad, because guess what? Everytime I've been down, been questioning shit, or just vented, do you know who's almost always responded? The very mutual I was told was evil. And you know what else? I found out every fuckin' thing my ex said about them was a straight up lie; every screenshot was fake/out of context, and every "abusive" word was from my ex, not my mutual.

So yeah... I know better now, Natalie. I hope that if you see this, you actually try and get help. You need to realize that you don't own people, and that you can't force everyone who doesn't adore you to be an antagonist in your story... all you're doing is hurting yourself. I never lied when I said I loved you; I still sorta do, even after what you've done to me. I fucking love you, Natalie, and it's because I love you that I'm getting away from you. Please oh please get yourself actual help, before you make things any worse for yourself.

Sincerely, Ted.

#so yeah here's my dirty fucking laundry #i wish i could truly just move on but this drama keeps rearing it's ugly head and i hate it so much #supercasey says shit #supercasey ramblings #i hope you all don't hate me for this #long post #i didn't cover everything but this is the jist of it

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