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cafedanslanuit · 3 years

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✖ — chapter summary: Now that Zeke has explained what truly happened with Yelena, all your troubles have finally ended. Except that now you need to start avoiding Porco. However, things change once you overhear a conversation in the woman's bathroom.

✖ — pairing: porco/reader & zeke/reader

✖ — chapter tags/warnings: college au, descriptions of panic attacks, lots of self-doubt, gaslighting, hurt/comfort, fluff, referenced cheating.

✖ — a/n: i have posted the playlist that goes with this series! click here to check this post <3

chapter three: me and my husband

Porco looked at his cellphone, an ill sensation filling up his stomach as he read over and over your last messages. For the past few days, he had been trying to reach out to you but he had been rejected every time.

He knew something wrong was going on the moment you said you couldn’t make it to his lacrosse game. Ever since you became friends, you hadn’t missed a single game. He had once seen you finishing an essay on your phone and sending it while you were sitting on the bleachers, excited for the game to begin. He had seen you falling asleep on his shoulder during a party after a game, too tired from studying for a test that you took earlier.

Porco sighed. He wished he could find any other reason to explain your behaviour but the only one that came to his mind was his late night confession to you. He shouldn’t have told you he loved you. Now you were avoiding him and his feelings and he was scared he had lost your friendship completely.

He put the phone on his back pocket and grabbed his keys, heading to the parking lot. After getting into his car, he turned on the radio and drove out of the campus, entering the main highway of the city. He wasn’t sure where he was heading to, but all he knew is that he wanted to stop thinking about you, the moment he thought you had shared and the dry messages that followed.

He had really fucked it up.

…

Sitting on your faculty’s corridor floor, you looked over at the texts Porco had been sending you the past week. It physically pained you to be so curt with someone that meant so much to you. Porco had always been there for you, even in the times you had told him you really didn’t need him. He cared when you got sick, when you were sad and also when you wanted company to crash a party on campus. You two had been inseparable since the day you met and he was already acquaintances with Annie and Armin due to all the time he had spent at your place.

This was the right thing to do, you told yourself one more time, closing your Instagram. You were taking the right decision. Porco had fallen in love with you and then had tried to make you think your boyfriend had cheated on you. If Zeke hadn’t pointed that out for you, you probably wouldn’t have noticed until it was too late. Truly, you were lucky Zeke had been understanding about the whole situation and had forgiven you for not trusting in him.

Porco wasn’t a bad person. You knew in your heart he wasn’t. But you had been wrong to trust he had your best interest in his mind.

That’s what didn’t make sense. Why had Porco, sweet and caring Porco had suddenly decided to put you against Zeke only just because he had caught feelings for you? The Porco you knew wouldn’t have done that. If he truly only wanted to drive you away from Zeke, he would have let you kiss him the night he spent with you. He would have taken the opportunity, right? So, why didn’t he?

Your head started hurting.

Your thumb ghosted over Porco’s contact on your phone, wondering whether to call him or not. You missed him dearly and knew that if you asked him to be honest, he would. There were countless moments in the past where he had been honest with you, from the time he confessed to accidentally stepping on your foundation powder and the time he opened up about his father’s death.

He’ll say anything to make you doubt your relationship with me.

Zeke’s voice resonated in your ears and you bit your tongue. He was right. You needed to remember Porco was trying to put you against your boyfriend.

Before you could think of a counterargument, you shot a quick text to Zeke. Yes. A day with your boyfriend would help you keep your mind busy.

“wanna hang out later? <3”

You watched intently, a small smile on your face as the three dots twinkled on your screen. Zeke’s answer came a few seconds later.

“Can’t. Exam tomorrow :(“

He then sent you a picture of a couple of books over a table that you recognized as the university’s library. He also had the tumbler you had given him a couple of months ago, filled with straight black coffee if you had to take a guess.

“:(( okaaaay, good luck on your exam, love u!”

“<3”

You put your phone away and sighed. You missed Zeke too. The few days after you had confronted him about the time you thought you saw Yelena and him kissing, he had showered you with love. You had spent the weekend at his place wearing nothing but an old t-shirt of his and making love several times a day. You snuggled to him on the couch as he watched an old documentary and playfully took the cigar from his lips and took a puff yourself. ‘Ladies like you shouldn’t smoke,’ he had said playfully as he took it back from your lips and then pressed a kiss on your temple.

Nevertheless, the short honeymoon phase after you made up had come to an end. You knew it was going to happen, but now your body and heart were craving more of him and his classes were taking all his time. If it wasn’t an exam it was a group project or a study session and even if you knew seniors had it way harder than you, you missed him. Missed his beard scratching your neck, his strong cologne and his deep chuckle whenever you managed to make him smile.

Maybe you could walk around the mall. You still had some birthday money and you could treat yourself a little. Maybe a new body cream or a pair of cute underwear from Victoria Secret to surprise your boyfriend after he was done with his classes. Yes, a shopping trip was exactly what you needed to stop thinking so much. Smiling, you walked to the bathroom of your faculty, just a quick detour to freshen up before you got into your car.

You looked at yourself in the mirror and took out your lipstick, fixing it carefully.

“I fucking hate her.”

You turned around as you saw three girls entering the bathroom. They stood by your side, none of them seeming to notice your presence. One of them fixing her hair, another was looking down at her phone, eyebrows knitted together and mumbling more and more curses and the last one just leaned against the bathroom stalls, arms crossed against her chest as she watched the other two.

“We did tell you she wasn’t meant to be trusted,” she reminded the girl with the phone. When she raised her head, you recognized her as Pieck, one of Porco’s close friends, who you had seen around at a lot of parties and on many of his Instagram photos.

“How is that helping me?” Pieck asked icily.

“I’m just saying, Yelena is shady. Telling you all that crap about only being able to open up with you— and for what? For her to post photo after photo of her fuckboy?” the girl in front of the mirror said. “Like, nobody needs to know you’re getting it at the library, why post about it? Literally, nobody cares.”

“She’s not worth it,” the other girl interjected.

“She really isn’t, babe. And Zeke isn’t even that hot,” her friend continued with a mocking laugh. “The one that looks like a clown is her, not you. Just let it go.”

“He truly is a bad case of the monkey face,” Pieck agreed with a snort. “Men like that are what keep me a lesbian.”

“Hi Pieck,” you greeted her. For the first time, Pieck looked your way and widened her eyes, recognizing you in an instant.

“Hey,” she said in an apologetic voice. “I— I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have said that.”

You faked a chuckle. “It’s okay. I just wanted to say you shouldn’t worry about them, Yelena is—”

“Yeah, yeah, we both shouldn’t worry. You’re probably trying to move on and ignore them too,” Pieck sighed and then pursed her lips in discomfort. “But I know you were Zeke’s girlfriend for a while, it’s normal you don’t want to hear about who he’s fucking now—”

“Zeke and I are still together,” you interrupted her.

Pieck’s face fell at your words. She looked at her friends, who were also looking at each other with an indecipherable expression. Your furrowed your eyebrows, confused as to why they were sharing those glances. Why would they think you weren’t with Zeke? Sure, you hadn’t posted photos with him lately but that didn’t mean you weren’t together anymore.

“I’ll catch up with you in a bit,” Pieck said softly to her friends. They nodded and said they would be by the cafeteria before leaving. Once they went away, Pieck closed the bathroom door and walked to you again.

“Why— why would you think we’re not together?” you insisted, your voice trembling more than you would have wanted.

“Yelena and Zeke are fucking,” she sentenced in a soft voice. You shook your head.

“I know that’s what it looks like but Yelena likes women,” you said. “You— I mean you guys were dating or something, right? You know she’s a lesbian, she’s just pretending to have something with Zeke so her parents back off for a while.”

Pieck’s silence was deafening.

“Right?” you pushed. “It’s cool because she’s a lesbian and—”

“Yelena is bisexual.”

You paused, blinking as you tried to understand. After a few seconds, you shook your head.

“She’s not.”

“The reason we’re not dating anymore is because I saw her fucking Zeke at a party,” she explained.

“No,” you said, and shook your head once more. “No, because if it happened at a party then someone would have seen them. Someone would have noticed, there would have been rumours, I would have known . Pieck, someone would have told me, Reiner, Marcel, Porco—”

“They weren’t there. Almost everyone was a senior.”

“Then you! You would have told me,” you cried. “You’re telling me you saw my boyfriend fucking someone else and didn’t tell me!? Pieck—!”

“I thought you weren’t together anymore!” she defended herself. “What was I supposed to think when every single one of his friends at that shitty apartment knew he was fucking her in the bedroom and they all acted like it was a normal thing to do? I see all these photos of both of them and…” she continued, shaking her phone. “Of course I think he’s not with you anymore! Yelena is uploading pictures as she rests her legs on his lap, about their movie dates at his place and you want me to think she has a girlfriend!?”

Tears started falling from your eyes as she spoke. You sniffled, trying to compose yourself but you could feel every muscle of your body shaking.

“Does Porco know?” you asked in a whisper.

“Porco?”

“I know you two are best friends since high school. You— you had to tell him. If this was real, if this happened, you had to tell Porco,” you reasoned. “So tell me, Pieck, does Porco know?” you insisted, raising your voice, hating the way it cracked at the end.

Pieck shook her head. “I told him Yelena cheated on me, didn’t tell him with who.”

“Why?”

“Because he told me not to date Yelena, said she wasn’t a good person. I didn’t want to prove Porco right, you know him,” Pieck said with a small shrug.

You nodded idly, your eyes lost. No. It didn’t make sense, it didn’t— even if it did. It did make sense but it couldn’t make sense. Because if Pieck was right, if Yelena and Zeke were—

No.

“Give me a date,” you whispered.

“What?”

“When was this?”

“I don’t— Two weeks ago?”

“I need to know the exact date, Pieck.”

“Girl, I don’t remember exactly, I—”

“Give me a date, Pieck!” you sobbed, raising your voice. She sighed and nodded, taking out her phone.

You watched as Pieck went through her messages with Yelena, scrolling up as she tried to remember the date. Your breath was hitching, inhaling more than you were exhaling but you didn’t care. You wanted to know when it was. Pieck was going to tell you it happened on a date where he was with you. She was going to say it happened one of the nights you and Zeke stayed the weekend at his place and then you would know she’s lying. Yes, that was going to happen. She would tumble over her own lie and this nightmare would be over.

“March 31st,” Pieck murmured. “I kept texting her, asking where she was before I went to look for her,” she reminisced, before showing you her phone.

00:36

lena where are u

?????

why are my friends saying you’re with zeke rn

yelena answer me

fuck u i’m going there

01:19

FUCK YOU YELENA YOURE THE WORST

PIECE OF SHIT IVE EVER MET

REALLY???? ZEKE?????

HOPE YOU GET HERPES

I FUCKING HATE YOU

babe, i’m sorry

can we talk?

A bitter taste crept inside your mouth as you took out your phone and went through yours and Zeke’s messages, looking desperately for the date. It was the weekend you spent together. It had to be. The memories of Zeke’s kitchen calendar that said April were lying to you. It had to be March. Or maybe he changed the calendar because he was with you on March 31st.

You scrolled up until March and went to read the messages exchanged on that day.

07:23

Good morning! I know it’s really early

But I want to see you today <3

Meet me at the tennis court?

sure, i’ll take an uber :)

Silent sobs escaped your mouth as your phone started shaking in your trembling hands. Pieck whispered apologies and you wanted nothing more than to tell her to shut up, that it wasn’t her fault, that she wasn’t the one that swore she wanted to marry you and then went to fuck someone else at a party, not caring if he was seen or not.

But it wasn’t true. Zeke said it was just a ruse, that Yelena just wanted to hide her queerness, that they were just good friends. He said so. Pieck had to be lying, she had to be. She was just messing with you, lying to see how much you could believe her. Because Zeke wouldn’t do that, you were the one he trusted, you were the one he was going to marry, you—

Pieck was still holding her phone in front of you.

With the very same date.

And Yelena admitting her crime.

But it couldn't be right. There had to be a mistake because Zeke loved you. He loved you and he had told you about his family, he had taken you to meet his grandparents, he promised he hadn’t kissed Yelena that night, he—

Had he not kissed her?

Was it only a movie night?

…

No, it hadn’t.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Pieck’s voice sounded far, your lips parted as you tried to gasp for air. You lifted your head and saw her lips moving but you couldn’t hear any sound but your heart beating out of your chest. Tingles started creeping on your fingers and without you being able to do anything to prevent it, you dropped your phone on the bathroom floor.

Why didn’t it make a sound?

Why were your fingers numb?

You lifted your head and Pieck was gone. Dismissing her sudden disappearance, you crouched down and picked your phone. You winced at the huge crack on your screen and slid your finger several times over it until you could press on Zeke’s contact and call him.

As his phone rang, you pressed your back on the wall, slowly sinking until you were sitting on the floor.

“Baby, I told you I was studying for this test, I can’t—”

“I know about you and Yelena,” you said in a broken voice. You heard him let out an annoyed sigh on the other line.

“Didn’t we talk about this already? I told you she’s not—”

“I know about the party. The day we played baseball and— that same night you went to a party and fucked her,” you sobbed. You wiped the tears on your face with the back of your hand. “Zeke, tell me it’s a lie, tell me you didn’t do this, please, please tell me you didn’t really fuck Yelena,” you begged. “Please.”

“You know what? Get some help. Like, psychological help. This isn’t normal.”

The silence after Zeke hung up choked you. Your chest rose up and down as you sobbed uncontrollably. Your brain was screaming. Loudly. ‘Make it stop,’ you told yourself. ‘Get it together. Make it stop.’

Make it stop.

It’s a lie.

Make it stop.

He lied to you.

Stop.

He fucked her.

Please, stop.

He lied.

I can’t breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

…

When you woke up, Porco was there.

Your head felt heavy as you tried to sit up, rubbing your eyes. A quick look around let you know you were in your apartment but you weren’t sure as to how , or why your friend was there, his phone on his lap and his eyes looking at you filled with worry.

He whispered your name as if his voice could hurt you. “How are you feeling?”

“What are you doing here?” you asked groggily. You noticed your throat was hurting as well. “What hour is it?” you mumbled as you palmed your jean pockets looking for your phone. You found it hidden between two pillows and pressed the power button, trying to see if you had any unread messages.

None.

“Pieck called me,” Porco explained. “And it’s eight and a half.”

Pieck. Pieck with her friends in the bathroom, Pieck with the text messages. Everything came back to you in a second and you couldn’t help but wince at the way your head hurt.

“How are you feeling?” he insisted. You took a deep breath. The small movement made you realize how much the muscles of your back were hurting along with your arms. You licked your lips, hating how dry they felt against your tongue.

“I broke my phone.”

Porco furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

“I— I dropped it. There’s a crack on the screen.”

He nodded slowly and looked down at his shoes, his forearms resting on his knees. You could almost listen to his loud thoughts, one coming after another inside his head. Porco sighed and turned his head back to you.

“Want me to get it fixed? Marcel knows a guy, I’m sure he can get it done by tomorrow.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s working just fine,” you said, passing your thumb over the crack. “No need to change it.”

Porco watched your eyes get lost on the dark screen and tightened his lips. He had the urge to throw your phone out of your window, make you understand you had to leave it, that it wasn’t good for you, that you didn’t need it, that you didn’t need him —

Instead, he nodded.

“What happened?” you asked.

Porco paused, deliberating his words before speaking. “Pieck called and told me what you guys talked about and that… you didn’t take it well. She said you were crying and— that you had a panic attack, so she left the bathroom to look for help. She found Armin and he was the one that helped you regain your breath. Once you settle down, he called Annie to tell her what happened and she picked you up. When I got here you were already asleep on the couch, Annie said it was okay if I waited here.”

“I… don’t remember much,” you confessed with a grimace. “I don’t remember Armin helping me out. I— I do remember what Pieck and I talked about, though. Wish I could forget it instead,” you snorted.

“Wanna talk about it?”

You shook your head. Ouch . Why did every muscle of your body hurt so much?

“Wanna watch some shitty reality TV?” he offered. He didn’t miss the way a small smile appeared on your face.

In a matter of minutes, Porco had gone into your room and brought your laptop, and started looking for the show on Netflix. He put your laptop on his thighs and let you crawl by his side, your head resting against his shoulder.

“Wish they had Ink Master,” you sighed, as the intro of Netflix’s newest reality show played on your screen.

“We both know Netflix doesn’t have good shows.”

You snorted. “Black Mirror is good.”

“And yet we’re watching The Circle,” Porco teased you.

“Weren’t you the one that binged Season 1 on one night and then asked me to do the same so you could rant?” you reminded him with a playful tone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied nonchalantly, making you chuckle.

What followed next was a comfortable silence. One episode went by and Porco made no attempts to stop it from automatically playing the second episode. You snuggled closer, the fabric of his green jacket feeling nice against your cheek. How long had it been since you felt so much peace with someone else by your side?

In any other situation, you would be commenting on it, pressing pause just to bitch and rant about the contestants or make quick runs to the kitchen. But Porco was sitting still, his eyes fixed on the screen and his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was trying to comfort you the best way he could, knowing any words would fail, he aimed to create a safe space for you and not force you to behave normally when you both knew better than to completely ignore what had happened earlier.

Right. Zeke.

You felt your eyes watering and bit the inside of your cheek to prevent them from falling down. Focusing on your breath, you inhaled and exhaled rhythmically until the knot in your throat seemed to loosen up. Your feelings towards Zeke were confusing, a part of you wanting to run, look for him and demand an explanation. Another part of you wanted to face with, punch his stupid little face until you got tired and leave him on the floor. And another, maybe a bigger part of you wanted him to cradle you in his strong arms, kiss your temple and scratch your skin with his beard as he whispered sweet nothings to you.

You swallowed. Maybe Zeke was right. Maybe you did need psychological help.

Could you trust his words if he were to provide another explanation? Could you ever trust in him again? Most of all, could you trust yourself? Many voices had different opinions inside your head, yet they all agreed on something.

You were miserable.

“Every time I’m not with him, I’m anxious,” you mumbled, the words leaving your mouth before you thought them over. Porco moved his hand to pause the show, but you gestured to him not to. “And when he’s with me…” you continued, “I feel like I’m drowning.”

Your voice cracked at the end. Porco’s hand twitched, not sure what to do next. Should he hold you, put an arm around your shoulder to comfort you? Should he not move a muscle until you were done? Should he offer a word of comfort? He turned his head to you and noticed tears were silently streaming down your face.

“If Zeke was in front of me right now and told me Pieck lied her ass off, even after all the proof she showed me today… I would believe him. I would,” you sobbed. “And I hate myself so much for it. I’m so tired of this, I’m so tired of loving him, Pock.”

Porco’s hand cupped your head, his fingers gently caressing your hair. You snuggled closer to him, his perfume soothing the pain inside your heart and his gentle gesture comforting you. That was the magic Porco had. You knew he wasn’t always good with his words and most of the time he preferred to show rather than tell and boy, did he do a spectacular good job at showing you how much he cared.

He was there. Even after you had been ignoring him for over two weeks, he was here with his green jacket and his earthy-scented perfume ready to hold you if you needed him. And you did. You could never think of a moment where you wouldn’t want him to be there with you.

You wiped your face with the back of your hand and reluctantly pulled away from his touch, turning on your seat so you were facing him. You paused your show and put a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Thank you,” you said, biting down your bottom lip. “For being here and waiting until I woke up. I— I’ve been such a bad friend to you,” you sighed. “I’m so sorry, I just—”

Porco shook his head. “No. I’m sorry for what I said the night I stayed here.”

“No, you don’t need to— I mean— I wasn’t mad about it,” you fumbled with your words, feeling your cheeks heat up.

“I don’t know,” Porco shrugged. “Felt like I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” you assured him. “Thank you for staying with me that night. I really didn’t want to be alone.”

“I just— Can I say something else? Promise this is the last time I talk about it.” You nodded. “I didn’t love you the first time I met you,” he blurted, shrugging. “I mean, it’s not like I saw you and caught feelings— first time I saw you you were drunk off your ass at Reiner’s party. I was your friend first. Still am, nothing will change that. And honestly? I wouldn’t be surprised if my feelings went away,” he chuckled. “Who knows. Might finally meet someone else and fall for them.”

“Yeah, maybe you’ll meet someone,” you agreed with a strained smile.

“Whatever happens, know that before anything else, I’m your friend,” Porco said, golden eyes setting on yours. “And that will never change. You’re stuck with me.”

“And you’re stuck with me.”

“See any other reason why I’m watching a shitty reality show on a Tuesday night?”

At this, you hit Porco with one of the pillows, square on his face. You couldn’t help but laugh at his stunned face.

“You’re so fucked,” he said, putting the laptop on the coffee table in front of him.

You took this as a sign to run, the ache in your muscles forgotten at the back of your head as you tried to dodge the pillows Porco was throwing at you. Your legs weren’t weak anymore, as you quickly jumped to avoid the furniture and picked up one of the pillows to throw it back at him. Your heart was no longer aching, but jumping as you cackled when Porco tripped and fell. Even if your eyes were watering again, this time was due to the excessive laughter. And yes, your breath was hitching but it was thanks to Porco chasing you around the living room.

You let yourself fall on the floor next to Porco, the coldness of the floor soothing your skin as he dramatically held his knee against his chest like an injured soccer player. You turned your head to him, smiling at his antics as he filled your heart with happiness once more.

Maybe that had been his power all along.

#porco x reader #snk x reader #aot x reader #porco galliard #porco galliard x reader #porco x you #porco galliard x you #porco galliard angst #porco galliard fluff #porco angst #porco fluff #zeke x reader #zeke jaeger x reade #zeke x you #zeke jaeger x you #zeke jaeger #zeke angst

282 notes · View notes

tomoonine · 4 years

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noted | oneus soulmate au

[lee keonhee] — as a stationery hoarder, you were bound to have mistaken your soulmate link stationery for your favorite ones at some point in your life. and boy did it give keonhee the biggest scare of his life.

soulmate au wherein you have this limited stack of sticky notes. write whatever you want on it, and that note would magically appear somewhere in your soulmate’s line of sight during that day.

Pairing: keonhee / reader (gender-neutral) Genre: soulmate au, non-idol au, musician au, fluff, humor Word Count: 1945 words

note: this marks the end of the soulmate series! i’ve been reading feedback from people, and i greatly appreciate the love these stories are getting, thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

“Ah, crap.” You mutter to yourself as you stare at your study desk.

Crap is right, it appears you’ve finally understood what caused your misfortune in school earlier

You were certain that you wrote a note two days ago to buy some of your groceries and to accomplish your homework in advance

And well, you did put it on your desk

It’s just that

It didn’t stay on your table

It ended up on Keonhee’s refrigerator

Well you don’t know yet that it’s at Keonhee’s home now

Because you’re still convinced that you simply misplaced your sticky note reminder

Which still pisses you off because losing it was the reason why you weren’t able to prepare your lunch for today

And why your homework started to accumulate and pile up

In hindsight, high schooler you never bothered exploring your soulmate link

You were busy with other things

School work, extra curriculars

Extra curriculars which, in your case, involves learning how to play your instrument of choice

And other matters like purchasing every cute sticky note pad you find

lmao who can resist a sticky note pad in the shape of a corgi’s butt tbh

Understanding your soulmate link only became a matter of importance to you now that you’re experiencing an anomaly in your routine

It sounds sad, but deep down you know that there isn’t a point in rushing to meet your soulmate if you’re bound to spend the rest of your life with them anyway

So that brings us back to your current situation

Crap is right, you just sent your grocery list and homework reminder to your soulmate

The first interaction you’ve ever had with them

Happened in high school, without even a warm greeting written on it

And instead, a note that terrified Keonhee into believing he was the one with homework that he forgot to do

It’s a bit anticlimactic, especially for the ever-romantic Lee Keonhee

But Keonhee boy here will take whatever he can get, even if it was an accidental sticky note

So he forgives you uwu

Even though you made him drop his last glass of milk when it suddenly appeared in front of his fridge

He can buy another carton of milk lol

But the odd thing is, it’s still weird that you still forgot about your grocery list and homework

Keonhee made sure to write a note to you back with your list and homework, along with a little message from him

It should appear on your line of sight, in fact you should have seen it two days ago

You’re still puzzled, desperately looking for that sticky note you remembered putting on your desk

Until you hear your sibling call for you, saying that they found your sticky note

“Yo, (Y/N)! Your note is on the fridge!” Is their reply, followed by the door of the refrigerator closing.

Huh? On the fridge?

Weird

And true to their word, it was on your family refrigerator, just beside a commemorative picture magnet of you and your family

Your note with your grocery list and homework is there

Except it wasn’t in your handwriting

You tear the note off the surface and analyze it, and you’re surprised to see something else written on it

Hi soulmate! I think you accidentally wrote your list on our soulmate link, so I wrote it down for you again! I may have dropped my glass of milk in shock bc of u, but its ok. Take care! - LKH

Oop

It’s your soulmate :0

Now you’re embarrassed that this had to happen

Despite the scenario

You find it funny, because he wrote it on the corner of the pad and he tried to cram in the last few words of his letter by not only writing the words in short-cut

but also by curving his writing upward to fit the remaining words in

Although

You’re hesitating on writing back to this “LKH” person because you know your soulmate link has limited sticky notes to work with

So you opt to not reply anymore, and you go back to your usual business

Until it happens again :]

Like before, you didn’t mean to write it on your soulmate link

You were supposed to write on a sticky note the pieces you have to practice and a reminder to finalize your repertoire for the next culminating concert you’ll participate in

It just so happened your favorite notepads specifically for that purpose

Was just beside your soulmate link ones

Thirty minutes after practice, when you arrive home, you’re surprised that instead of your reminder

It’s another note from “LKH”

Looks like it ended up with your soulmate again

And it definitely did, it ended up on Keonhee’s music score for Pie Jesu from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Requiem

While he was practicing

And it made him belt out a vibrato-powered scream, along with a well-executed comedic fall onto his ass

what is new tbh

Anyway, so the note right?

You pick it up again and scan through it

He kind-heartedly rewrote the reminder for you, and yet again another message from him; this time written more legibly

Hi soulmate! I didn’t know you played an instrument, I’m actually taking voice lessons! I was singing for my repertoire until your note arrived and scared me to death ㅠㅠ Good luck with Salut d’Amour and your repertoire! -LKH

MAN at this rate you might end up running out of sticky notes because of accidental usage,,,,,

But you think it’s sweet of your soulmate to wish you luck :((

AND you guys are both classical musicians :((

Boo hoo your heart is soft :((

Moved by your Soft Heart, you test out if you can actually maximize your soulmate link by cutting up your sticky notes so that you can finally reply to LKH without worrying that your notes will run out fast

And it works !

You thank Keonhee for wishing you luck, expressing the nervousness and excitement you have in anticipation.

You make it a point to apologize for not replying to everything he sends also, and for sending stuff by accident

Keonhee follows suit and cuts them in half too and replies to you almost immediately

After a few sticky notes shared, both of you finally settled with sharing your social media accounts so that you can get to know each other better

Because lmao there aren’t any conditions to this soulmate link so why not right?

Since that moment in high school, Keonhee and you have become close online friends

You’ve spent so much time online getting to know him and it was going great

But you aren’t sure that you love him romantically yet

You haven’t even met him face to face

And no amount of classical music recommendations and practice video recordings could help you assess your own feelings towards him

Keonhee may be sweet and romantic, but it doesn’t feel right yet ya feel?

It kinda sucks because you can’t meet up since you live cities away from each other

And the colleges you were planning on going, despite being both Conservatories of Music, were still far away from each other

Keonhee doesn’t express his longing to meet you and give you affection, knowing that it might ruin the established friendship you both built together

So when college rolls around, your friendship remains the same, except now you have more to share thanks to your experiences in your respective majors

You’re a bit more wary with the sticky notes you use in fear of accidentally sending it back to Keonhee and to prevent him from finding out the ridiculous PE subject you accidentally enrolled in

And you’re extra careful when it comes to conversing with your soulmate, knowing that he must be busy

It sort of reduces the interaction, to the point that the only time you guys get to talk is when TwoSet Violin posts a new video or if there’s a funny classical music meme you can tag each other in

Though deep down, you don’t want to lead him on and play with his feelings

Since high school, you were very focused on your school work and your extra curriculars

It wasn’t even in your plan to think about your soulmate; thinking it was going to come along naturally, not accidentally

But as time passes, you’re starting to miss Keonhee :(

It’s already the second semester in your first year of college and the last messages you sent each other were “Happy New Year”s and “Good luck” messages for the next semester

And your finals performance is already being discussed by your professors; the schedule, the venue, the attire, the repertoire, literally everything

With more details being divulged and discussed, your longing for your old friend is starting to rekindle into something a bit bigger

Similarly to your routine, you reach out for a sticky note in your envelope to jot down the next reminders

Except

This time, you’re reaching out for your soulmate link sticky notes on purpose

As the professor speaks, you’re writing the finalized details neatly, finishing off the message with a personal note from you.

XX University’s Conservatory of Music Annual Culmination Concert May 30, 20XX at the University Concert Hall 6:30 pm onwards Guests to wear semi-formal and reserve tickets via faculty or students enrolled in the university. Hey Keonhee, I’d like to invite you to my culmination concert. Do you think you can make it? - (Y/N)

You remember to take a picture of it on your phone so you don’t forget the reminders

When the class ends you stick the note on your notebook, knowing it will appear in Keonhee’s line of vision later

However, the longer you wait, the more stupid you feel for doing that on purpose

Keonhee is busy, you remind yourself, why would you invite him to your culmination concert when he probably has his own to worry about?

The stupid feeling is morphing into a fearful one, now you’re scared that this could potentially make things more awkward and quiet than they already are

You sulk for the rest of the day, and you dread to see Keonhee’s reply

Except when it does arrive

It’s carefully placed on the spot of your work desk where you always leave your reminders

Keonhee must have thought it was another accidental send, because he rewrote the details of your culmination concert

You feel disappointed now

He could have at least said yes or no to your invitation, instead of ignoring it ://

You pick up the sticky note, but you’re shocked to see something written on the back

You flip it and read the note

I’ll be there :) Are you a fan of flowers? I’ll be ready with a bouquet of your favorite flowers Maestro (Y/N) ♡

It’s the first time you’ve become flustered over your soulmate, and honestly? You’re relishing in the feeling that comes after the initial embarrassment

You send him the name of your favorite flowers via online messaging, along with a thank you for accepting the invitation and an expression of your excitement to finally meet him

He replies promptly: Noted, soulmate! See you soon and good luck with your repertoire 😘♥♥♥

No amount of music memes and short greetings could help you assess your own feelings towards him

But now that you’re anticipating for the performance date and your first meeting with Keonhee

You can at least conclude that you may have a tiny bit of affection for your soulmate

It feels as if angels are singing symphonies to the tempo of your heart

And it’s music to your ears

127 notes · View notes

otp4lyfe4eva · 3 years

Text

The Star in My Universe

A/N: Hey Guys, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time in reading this story. You are probably wondering if this journey is even worth the hassle and all I can ask is please give it a chance before writing it off. I hope you enjoy it as I have enjoyed writing this. I have posted this on AO3, Fanfiction and Wattpad and figured I'd share it here. Feel Free to expressive your thoughts, concerns, opinions and comments or not…you taking the time in reading this is an honor.

Well here we go! The first chapter to the first adventure!

Chapter One:

“Brick, there’s something I need to tell you—"

“What do you think of Berserk, Bubbles?” He interrupted while watched the combative redhead roam down the hallways with her sinister smile distilling fear in everyone.

“I didn’t know bullies were your type” I answered as I leaned against the locker next to Brick.

“Berserk isn’t like that, she’s—different” Brick answered, I looked at him watching her waltz down the hallways and noted how the other students practically ran in the opposite direction. Berserk has always been a deranged girl who looked exactly like my sister Blossom but the only difference between the two aside from style were their personality. Blossom was sweet while Berserk was a nightmare. Ever since Buttercup and Blossom got accepted into some private school for junior high, I got stuck going to public school alone. It wasn’t always the best especially when people realized my two sisters weren’t attending with me; it gave them ammunition to become monsters. It gotten so bad that I had to spend one semester being home schooled. Blossom and Buttercup tried their best to have me transferred but I wasn’t “talented” enough like my sisters. Blossom was the smart one, Buttercup was the athletic one and then there was me, Bubbles. Because I couldn’t get into Townville Prep the Professor and I had to move while Buttercup and Blossom lived in the dorms and visit during breaks and holidays. I envied that they attended Townsville Junior high Prep being close to our old friends, while I went to Citiesville.

“All you have to do is study your butt off and you can apply for Townsville Oakes Academy” Blossom’s words resounded in my head countless times for the past two years. I worked my butt off to be the top student here and making sure I don’t get nothing but an ‘A’. I couldn’t afford a distraction which is when Brick asked me what I thought of Berserk I simply ripped my locker door opened. Not bothering to give Brick a warning I was annoyed by that comment and I didn’t know exactly why. Brick and I became best friends since he moved here two years ago and stood by each other when things got rough. He was my rock when I told him I needed to bring up my grades and end the year with all A’s. I remember him bringing me snacks and food in the library because he always knew I forget to eat. I was his backbone when he was going off the reins during his parent’s divorce and decided to stay with his brother and father here in Citiesville while his other dad moved. I remembered when he was evasive when I’d ask about his parents. It wasn’t till he invited me to dinner three months into our friendship I found out he has two dads. It was surprising but amazing how two individuals found each other and loved each other only to end that happinesses. The only thing I was concerned about was how Brick would bring up HIM moving away from them and just leaving his kids behind. I stood by Brick every moment of the way till he felt strong enough to be on his own again and even when he claimed to be strong, I would walk behind him with a safety net ready to catch him when he falls.

It was a hectic, yet we stood by each other’s side like glue. There were times I wondered why we were friends; we were clearly from different worlds with different ambitions in mind. Waiting for the homeroom bell to ring, I secretly stole a glance at Brick who was too busy watching the red head eighth grader chatting with her equally deranged sisters: Brat and Brute. I rolled my eyes at the Punk girls who clearly weren’t going to class. I observed Berserk as she laughed while fixing the ribbons in her long red hair. Her plaid top was way too tight on her revealing largely enhanced breast while her skirt didn’t leave anything to the imagination. Berserk was your average girl trying to grow up too fast and convincing everyone, including faculty, that she’s an adult—which she’s not. She wasn’t right for Brick; one time Berserk didn’t even know where the bathroom was and there was a sign of a girl on the door. I remember I had to literally walk her to the bathroom just so she wouldn’t walk in the boys’ room, again. I don’t understand what Brick sees in her, if anything I always figured he would be interested in someone intelligent or be like me and not be interested in anyone till marriage.

“She’s also an airhead with an evil smile who can’t tell the difference between Picassos’ blue period and cubism period” I added.

He smirked before replying, “No one except you can tell the difference. You’re the smartest girl in school”

“Obviously, but I always thought you would want a girl with—I don’t know, an actual brain.” I finished, I looked at him and could see he was too busy being infatuated with Berserk’s outfit.

“I don’t know, I thought you had higher standards— “

“Bubbles, what’s your deal?” Brick questioned “why are you acting weird?”

His gaze switched to me, but I didn’t flinch when his eyes were trained on me waiting for an answer. I kept my eyes on Brick, not afraid to challenge him. I remember I use to be afraid of him and couldn’t even look him in the eye like everyone else in school. But once we became friends, I become the only one who didn’t feel scared by his presence or felt like he could crush my entire existence. I simply would tell him point blank if he was in the wrong, or even how I feel because we’ve evolved in our friendship where there are no secrets between us.

Yet, I didn’t understand why I was getting worked up on Brick’s taste in women, he is a known player with no standards. Looking down I felt like a complete idiot for putting that act, he’s free to be interested in whomever he wanted, so why did it bother me?

‘You just care about your best friend’s wellbeing’ I thought, I looked at him and thought back to the time we first met:

“Morning class, today we have two new students” The teacher announced.

I was quite excited to see who the new kids were, I wasn’t exactly the welcoming committee, but I always felt if someone greeted me with a warm welcome they’d smile. I looked at the other kids who were uninterested and were busy scribbling in their notebooks or on their phones.

“I wonder if they are ugly” I heard one kid whisper; I bit my inner cheek hoping they wouldn’t get picked on like I was when I first came here. I was terrified for their wellbeing; another set of kids being thrown in the lion’s den with no protection. It was my duty to warn these newcomers. But my thoughts vanished when they walked into the classroom. The teacher introduced him, but he seemed so distant about it. he loud beating from my chest filled my ears. My palms grew sweaty and there were goosebumps all over my body. A cold shiver went down my spine causing my back to straighten. I didn’t pay too much attention to the other kid, Inuyasha but I noticed some similarities between the two.

They look so gorgeous, like models; athletic physique, long legs, beautiful hair and clear skin. Their skin was so pale it looked like ice; the boy’s eyes were extremely darker but different.

‘Could they be related?” I thought.

“Brick sit next to Bubbles” the teacher instructed, I was eternally grateful that we had name tags, at the time, on our desks. My body suddenly turned into jelly that felt too heavy to move.

“Hi there, I’m Bubbles” I introduced, this was first time I have been strongly bold to someone let alone a boy. My cheeks were suddenly hot, and my tongue was dry, but I did my best to avoid being awkward. Which was hard since I had a boy haircut, metal wire filled inside my mouth and thick glasses with tape to hold the middle because some kids, i.e. Brat felt it needed to ‘compete my look’. So therefore, the tape in the middle of my glasses.

He finally said in a very robust voice, “Go away”

I had a half of a mind to run for the hills, but I simply smiled and shared my book with him. I needed to make sure he felt welcome here even though half the student body were teasing me and ignored him. I could feel his eyes burning through my neck, so I turned my head to have his eyes burn through my eyes.

“I hope you like it here Brick” I replied, admiring his features; his red hair reminded me of Blossom’s only his was dark. It made me think of fire. And his eyes were blood red that screamed danger—

“Whatcha looking at four eyes”

I gasped at the mega spit ball that landed on my glasses. I looked up to see the green eye boy laughing with the straw in his hand. The entire class went wild with laughter. The teacher continued with the lesson and ignore the obvious events of the other kids following his league by spitting spit balls at me. Leaping out my chair, I ran to the bathroom without missing a beat. I cradled myself in the bathroom stall and cried as I picked the still wet spit balls out of my hair. It was times like this I wished Buttercup would be here and yell at the bullies. She’d probably make them eat it as they apologize to me. Chuckling at the thought, I took a deep breath and exited out the stall to clean the remnants off my glasses. Keeping my sisters in mind, I held my head up and decided to go back in the lion’s den. The only way to survive is to show no fear—which clearly failed. I didn’t want to throw in the towel and go back to homeschooling, after begging the professor I needed to be strong so he wouldn’t take off work. The last semester nearly cost Blossom and Buttercups their housing and if it weren’t for their scholarships, they would have been sent to Citiesville and I couldn’t have that.

“You got this bubs” I whispered. Pushing my shoulders back and holding my head out I walked out the bathroom only to get bumped to the ground.

“Sorry” I muttered.

‘So much for not backing down’ I thought, looking up it was the red eyed boy named Brick towering over me. His shadow cast a dark aura around him. I watched as he shifted his feet making sure his shadow didn’t touch me.

“Watch where you’re going” he muttered, he didn’t move he simply stood there towering over me. I stared at him wondering if it was his way of apologizing or telling me something completely different. Nodding, I picked myself up and noticed how he was still standing in front of me with his hands in his pocket.

“Did you need something?” I asked,

“Butch is an idiot, don’t let him get to you”

I felt myself exhaling a lot of air, not realizing I was unconsciously holding my breath. His deep blood eyes penetrated past my weak walk and could probably see everything inside me. If he wanted, he could kick me down with one look. Yet here he is apologizing for that kid’s behavior.

“He’s your brother” I noted, Brick sighed and twisted his cap to hide his face.

“How did you know” His facial expression stayed the same, but these eyes gave him away when a spark of shock flashed.

“You guys have the same facial features, despite having different color eyes and hair; you act pretty distant when he’s near so you must be the oldest and you flinch, well your eyes darken when I mentioned your relation” I answered “Plus you two have the same last name, so it’s pretty much common sense”

He chuckled softly I couldn’t help but smile too. He turned his baseball cap forward so he could hide his face which probably revealed I was right. I felt like I did something good.

“You’re something special Bubbles” He stated before walking away back to the classroom. I lingered a moment, the smile I had on my face stayed the entire day. I was in such a good mood; I swore my heard skipped a beat. It didn’t bother me that the Powerpunk sisters dropped their yogurt on top of my head along with their assorted toppings. Nothing could ruin the fact that at that moment I knew I was going to be friends with Brick Jojo.

Snapping out of my trip down memory lane. That little kid I met on his first day transformed himself into the man right in front of me. I watched as Brick’s eyes darken and lighten up as he continued to stare at my face. It’ s almost as if he’s searching for something in my eyes. I kept staring at him for some reason my eyes could not look away. I just wanted him to look in my eyes all day while I did the same with him.

“I’m sorry, I just want you to date a girl who’s actually worthy of you” I started.

His eyebrow lifted curious where I was going with my little speech and to be quite frank so was I.

“I hate seeing you” I paused, unsure where I was going with this, some little voice inside my head wanted to scream “I hate seeing you with other girls” but I shook my head and took deep breath. It was weird and gross to think of my best friend that way.

“I hate seeing you with girls’ that don’t deserve you because they only want what you can provide for them” I explained, Brick lifted my chin up watching my messy bun come undone. A few pieces fell from my now sloppy bun to my face. I watched as his eyes sparkle with—something I never knew he possessed—excitement.

‘How come I never knew your eyes did that’ I thought as I felt his eyes reaching inside my soul.

“Brick?” he snapped out of his thoughts and looked at me in a platonic way, it is the same look I’ve grown accustomed to over the years.

“Bubbles you’re— “

He couldn’t finish his thought. The whiff of cinnamon and fear filled his nose and nearly suffocated me, but it also made him forget what he wanted to say. Turning around to see Berserk right behind him with a nervous look on her face and crooked smile resting on her lips. I was quite shocked at her demeanor, normally Berserk would be firm and confident but here she is looking like, a nervous kid. I too wanted to melt from the sight of Berserk, at this very moment she looked innocent.

I felt Brick’s hand drop from my face. Captured by the siren’s presence, I felt disappointed, but I didn’t understand why. Part of me wanted to ask him not to move his hand but it wouldn’t mean anything. His attention was to his ‘dream girl’ of the week. My body felt heated, charged with rage but broke from the way he kept staring at her. It made me feel so inadequate, like I was suddenly invisible.

“Hey Brick” Berserk smiled at him while brushing a piece of hair away from her face.

I watched the girl fix her red ribbons and look at Brick with her unique red eyes. A black hole started to grow inside my stomach. I wanted to pull her ribbons and stuff it in her mouth, but I snapped out of it.

‘What the hell?’ I wondered but I just couldn’t help it. The more I stared at Berserk the bigger that black hole grew in my stomach. I didn’t understand why I felt animosity towards the girl. It didn’t bother me that he was talking to her, but it bothered me how he was giving her his time. Like she was all that mattered, no one else existed; especially not me who was less than three feet away from them.

“Berserk” Brick responded, I watched as she giggled at him and rubbed her arm in a nervous manner.

“I was wondering if you don’t have any plans tonight—no wait you probably do, but if you don’t have a date to Butch’s party would you go with me? She finished.

“And that’s my cue to leave�� I slammed my locker shut once the bell gave the second warning bell to head to class.

‘Stupid Berserk and her perfect skin, her stupid perfect crooked smile with her perfect teeth’ I thought as I held my books tight to my body, fearing I would fall apart if I let go.

“Bubbles, wait up!” Brick yelled, I wanted to keep walking and ignore my best friend who probably agreed to go on a date with that perfectly stupid air head.

Stopping at the corner I cling to my books even tighter as a life raft, not ready to tell Brick why I walked off so fast without waiting for him.; I fixed my thick framed glass, with the same tape in the middle, because Brat is nothing if not consistent. As I waited for Brick, I looked at the School’s mirror that is right above the water fountain and closed my eyes quickly after seeing my reflection.

‘Why do I care about my appearance’ I thought.

I knew I didn’t have a perfect smile, my braces made sure of it and my eyesight wasn’t the best because I had to get an even stronger prescription this year. I never have time to do my hair so I always either kept it in a messy bun or in pigtails because I was too busy trying to make straight A’s. And being the perfect daughter at home while the other two perfect sisters lived far away not fearing the hell of Citiesville.

“Why’d you run off?” Brick asked

“I didn’t want to get in the way of your plans with Miss dictator over there” I answered sourly, I felt so childish, but I just hated Berserk more than for the obvious reasons and I don’t know why and that frustrates me even more.

He sighed and shook his head, “Don’t be that way Bubbles.”

“Brick you’ve had your eye on that girl for a few months” I whispered, when he didn’t say anything, I knew I had to make a point.

“I just didn’t want you to miss your chance with her” I added.

“Well too late for that” he answered, I cocked my head to the side confused by his response.

“What do you mean?”

“I told her I was taking you instead” He replied “I couldn’t let my best friend miss an epic Jojo party”

I giggled at Brick’s sudden hospitality and all of my insecurities vanished into thin air—like magic. I suddenly wanted to jump into his arms and hug him for thinking of me. It occurred to me how I should have stayed a little longer to see Berserk’s face when he told her he was taking me instead of her. I felt victorious, like I won the grand prize, like I could accomplish anything.

“So, I’ll pick you up at eight, dress to impress” He told me before ushering me to my Honor’s English Composition class. Smiling I sat in my usual seat and ignored all the teasing remarks of the other kids. All I could think about was my plans to hang out with Brick tonight.

2 notes · View notes

akumageist · 4 years

Text

I would die for Hitori Uzune. RIP to Kazuaki, but I’m different.

The Hatoful fandom consists of 13 people and a paperclip. It always has. Unfortunately, it probably always will. Where this is cause for some perks, it’s also some of its faults. In example, it’s still an anime game, made by a Japanese woman, and attracts weebs. Weebs tend to like to think of characters 2-Dimensionally, breaking the character down to what they think is their core personality traits. Hitori is no stranger to this, and is beaten down into this heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. But I believe Moa is saying “anyone, even the best of us, is capable of becoming a monster if driven to it.” Let’s roll.

2162. Hitori was born into a world of war and hate, plopped into an orphanage at just 2 years old. This can be found in Moa’s canon spin-off manga, where Hitori at about ten years old is caring for the other war orphans along with the other older birds. Luckily for him, he was a genius. He was able to go out and get jobs tutoring birds and support his rag-tag family at his young age.

With that, we know Hitori was not originally cold and heartless, despite how the world may have birthed him. Especially when Nageki arrived frail and sickly. Hitori and the other birds were happy to put in overtime in an attempt to pay for the poor dove’s medications, even in his protest.

Then, 2180 happened. Imagine what sort of toll that would take on Hitori. he was absent. He was at work, unaware of the jeopardy that befell his family. What kind of horrible, mind-rattling survivors guilt must rack this bird’s brain, knowing he wasn’t there as his family was massacred one by one?

“What did we do? We had nothing. Our parents and homes had already been stolen by the humans. All we had left were each other.”

We can gather from this same scene Hitori blames himself for not being there. For not being able to protect his family, or even Nageki. Even though had he been there, he would have died alongside everybirdie else, and left Nageki to succumb to his illness alone. Something of this magnitude would create anxieties and trauma unfathomable to those who did not deal with it.

In Hitori, this manifested as full-blown helicopter mom. He can’t help but think of every little nit-pick detail over Nageki, terrified one feather out of place will kill him. The fandom is good about this side of his character! And of course, so is Moa. This may be the Summer Vacation Drama CD: Hitori The Worrywart (which takes place in MIRROR AU), but I love it’s portrayal of the anxious quail.

Hitori continued to care and ache over Nageki’s declining health. He was desperate. Begging doctors, even though deep in his little quail brain he knew Nageki was a lost cause, and that he was dying. But he couldn’t think of a life without Nageki, and did all in his power to try and keep the bird as well as he could. We can see a great example of this love in words you might not think of.

“How about this? From now on, ‘I’m fine’ is not allowed.”

I’ve always imagined Hitori getting mildly heated at Nageki in this conversation.The quail is on his last strands of stability, and the dove he cares endlessly for is trying to hide the very thing he ails himself over. The genuinity in his words shines through- telling Nageki he’d rather hear he’s bad and hurting.

So, in this desperation, Hitori carted Nageki off to some strange doctor in some strange prestigious school. And how couldn’t he? A doctor who claimed to know of the virus eating away at Nageki’s life, and how to cure it. Hitori’s beacon of hope in a sea of darkness. The only bird in the entire universe he had left to love, the one he had arguably always favored and adored, was dying. He would do anything in his power to keep the one thing he loved alive, no matter the irrationality or cost. No matter the very dying bird’s own lips saying “I… don’t want to go.”

Whether or not you ship these birds, I firmly believe Hitori is in love with Nageki in a romantic sense.

“I can no longer love another creature // I think we meant more to each other than anybirdie else in the world... // The love I felt soured into resentment // I should remember the beautiful face I knew, not… a photo covered in scribbles”

Not to mention admitting he can’t bear to live without the dove in BBL. And, in his route, Hiyoko goes as far as to refer to this bird as a female, which means he’s speaking so fondly she’s assuming it was a lover, and therefore a woman. Hitori’s stopped any sort of love at the idea he can only love Nageki post-mortem. That is canon. And well… that’s not very brotherly, no matter how good of a relationship you may have with your sibling (I speak from experience).

Okay, okay, this persuasive essay is NOT for convincing you of this ship, that is another essay for another time. I’ve only mentioned this opinion because I need you to understand his irrationality for the one thing he has left, and the fragility of it. And why it might drive anybirdie to… Hitori-level madness. Moving on.

2183. A mere 3 years after Hitori had lost the majority of his family to human terrorists. Nageki sends a coded letter, and… we can see Hitori’s anxieties outright.

“It’s happening again. Nageki needs me, and I’m not there.”

This is… a very powerful line in the game. We’re seeing just how vulnerable Hitori truly is. This is a traumatized individual in a panic attack- realizing the love of his goddamn life is once again faced with something horrible, and Hitori is once again absent from the scene.

And just like that, he’s gone.

The only thing. The only one Hitori had left in life to love. To live for. Taken from him without so much as a second chance. This is painful to write. This part of Hatoful is, without a doubt, the most agonizing. I know how it is to lose something so dear and feel as though maybe it’s not worth going on without them.

This is the peak of Moa’s tragedy writing ability (and yes, I’m including Holiday Star). But this is my point, is it not? Though his kanji may be “sun bird”, the actual word for his name “Hitori” quite literally means one, alone, solitary. He is now all alone in the universe, no family left. How can anybirdie even remotely remain in charge of their faculties (as Sakuya would put it) by now? You wouldn’t.

Hitori is now a husk of his former self. Anything he’s ever cared for is gone, he has nothing left to live for. He goes- my favorite coined term for him- absolutely batshit. He gets what we call “trauma-induced psychosis”, and begins to hallucinate very vividly, a form that he refers to as “Nageki”. We all know him of course, as Shadow. Shadow, from the little information we’re able to gather from BBL, is tormenting Hitori ruthlessly.

Shadow is easily misunderstood, because Moa made him fathomable, so the reader was able to understand exactly what was happening. What had become of Hitori Uzune. Shadow in all his simplicity- is Hitori. It is an introjection of Nageki, manifested to validate Hitori in his self-hatred. Don’t you get it? He hates himself just as much as you hate him!

Anything Hitori thinks of himself, Shadow is there to back up. He’s taunting him day in and day out, reminding him that he killed Nageki, and every ounce of Nageki’s suffering life was the fruit of Hitori’s inability to protect him. But again, it’s his own brain, telling him exactly what he wants to hear. What he truly believes. Telling himself what he’s done, and how he deserves this. ...And to seek revenge.

Hitori lost his mind. He had nothing else to lose, after all. He became obsessed with Nageki even moreso than he was in life, because there was no level-headed dove to calm him and tell him to stop worrying so much, or keep him at least reasonably held together by simply being there.

He listened to his psychosis, and when he made a friend (Moa gives evidence Hitori and Kazuaki were friends prior to Hitori’s ill-intentions), his psychosis got in the way of that, too. As he travelled down this relationship (which Moa herself says is pretty much romantic), we can assume he realized just how unable to love he was. He had Kazuaki around because, let’s face it. He wanted someone like Nageki who was incompetent so he could nurture and care for them. And for a while, it worked. But it didn’t. Hitori didn’t love Kazuaki. He couldn’t. He was too busy looking for Nageki.

So, you’re reading this in english. You speak english. At least a little, right? So maybe you played the english (and localized) version of the game. Well then you may not know the following. Please pay attention! This gets a bit rocky, and a bit more “Hitori...!”.

In the English version, Hitori disguised as Kazuaki is “tired”. In the Japanese version, he’s “sleepy” or “dreamy”. I’d describe him as ditsy, for sure. He kind of acts like an airhead who knows absolutely nothing, and his students don’t take him seriously. In the Hatomame Sweet Blend Drama CD, there is a track that follows Kazuaki on a little adventure of his narcolepsy, and going to Shuu for help.

In and out of comatose, Hitori, as himself, is there in his dreams as a separate bird.

“This bird with a face I had never seen spoke to me in a voice I had never heard, and this is what he said.”

“Nanaki-sensei” is clearly denying his own identity.

“I’ll sleep, just a little, and then leave… good… night…”

“But sleeping is my job… You still have a little longer. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…”

This is dream Hitori telling himself that he has to continue his alias until his revenge is fulfilled. The quail that was once Hitori must remain dormant until he is reunited with Nageki again, and can be happy again. As a metaphor for depression… don’t you feel like you’re a shell of your former self?

So, going off this information… I believe Hitori has repressed himself. This is due to my own knowledge on psychology but-- Hitori doesn’t want to be Hitori anymore. It’s too hard. Hitori the war orphan. Hitori the lone survivor. Hitori the murderer and identity thief. It’s him not wanting to deal with his trauma in a healthy way, and instead locking it up and becoming somebirdie new and undamaged.

He killed Hitori.

This falls into the other delusion- that Nageki is somehow not completely dead and gone and ash- but still trapped, somehow, somewhere, and Hitori needs to find and get him. To kill Isa and the researchers who “killed” Nageki, and bring “Nageki” home. Whatever he believes Nageki is. In BBL, we see this quite literally varies! He tried to cut Ryouta open and steal his liver!

“Sir, Nageki would have never wanted this…!”

There is no difference between a serial killer and someone in a court room screaming for the serial killer to be murdered in turn. That mourning mother is then one in the same with that killer, is she not? She sees him, and wants him to die. She wants him to die and suffer. She believes that will bring her a sense of justice. Even though she knows it will not return her son to her. Hitori, is that mourning mother. He sees Isa, and all he can see is the man who murdered his dove.

I know the biggest aspect as to why the fandom hates Hitori is the sole factor that Kazuaki is #relatable. He’s a depressed college student who thinks he’s better off dead. Then, Hitori tricks him. But you’re not reading Kazuaki right. It’s okay, he’s easy to misread from Holiday Star’s plotline.

Holiday Star was written with Kazuaki as the villain, do you forget? A grey villain as well, but a villain nonetheless. He told his tragic sob story death in such a way, you can’t help but to cry. He’s the victim! I’m not saying he’s not. But he was written specifically to be pitied in Holiday Star, and as you continue on, you begin to see he’s actually just anti-self help. He doesn’t want to face his fears. He doesn’t want to leave his safe egg and take the risk he should have.

Kazuaki is meant to be pitied, yes, but just on the brink of annoying with his helplessness and self-deprecation. He’s, forgive me, a “sad sack of shit” who does nothing to help himself. Don’t come after me for being “ableist” or whatever- Moa literally wrote him this way.

This is also depicted in “Kazuaki-kun’s Book”. Now, this book takes place in the MIRROR AU, but it tells of how Kazuaki met Hitori. Moa starts the manga off by explaining Kazuaki had a great chickhood, a healthy life, and an easy, happy time. But then, he flunked his college exams and didn’t even get into his safety school. He lazed around, grew depressed, and let his apartment rot. He played video games until his online friends got jobs, and wasted any money he had on them as well. The only thing that scared him out of it is when his next door neighbor was found dead, having rotted into his own futon.

So imagine Hitori, who has worked so hard and lost everything he had done so for. Tirelessly, through his horrible, fucked up existence. Nageki, who had his short and miserable life robbed from him, had to die. Had to kill himself. And this random quail has the audacity to bitch and moan, thinking he’s got it bad? He’s a waste of space that could have been filled with Nageki. This is what Hitori’s brain is thinking. Hitori’s only ~20 years old when Nageki dies, after all.

I’m not saying this is cause for murder and identity theft. Don’t you dare misread me on this. But as I’ve stated prior- Hitori’s completely lost it. But you ship him with the chukar that literally ruined his life. Hitori’s a grey villain but holy fuck why would you want him to fuck the partridge that tortured and drove his only loved one to suicide?

It was wrong to trick Kazuaki. It was wrong to insult him as he died. It was wrong to steal his identity. That’s obvious and a given. But you all seem to look at that factoid alone, chalking it up to ‘preying on a poor mentally ill man” but not taking into consideration Hitori is mentally ill himself. ...Just not #relatable enough for you.

Hitori is suicidal as well. He’s been suicidal presumably since Nageki died. Don’t you dare say Hitori isn’t at least a little in the same boat. I don’t care if he’s not as soft and uwu and cuddly as Kazuaki. Mental illness is not rainbows and butterflies and emo hair (though Kazuaki is not portrayed this way).

Holiday star bears all the answers. I raise you important points, so pay close attention. The first key component is Hitori, found upside down in the pudding. He’s crying. Why is he crying? Because he’s lost his name? Oh, but think deeper.

“I’m Nemo”.

“Nemo” is latin for nothing, and his name translates to “nothing” in every language of HoliStar. The King has vomited him up in his kingdom, and robbed him back of what he stole from him. His identity.

But it goes even deeper than that.

“I’ve lost something, and so, I think I might cry.”

From this phrase alone, it’s painful to play this game. Nageki is right in front of his beak. But what did he do? He ate his own eyes. Hitori, in his refusal to identify with himself, has robbed himself of quite literally seeing the very bird he adores and sought after. Then, he is renamed his own identity by that bird (the only identity he accepts). How surreally real.

The second key component is when everybirdie is being rescued, but Leone warns Yuuya the quail is clearly falling more rapidly into a coma, and may not be able to awake. Why is this? Because Hitori wants to die. He’s fine with it, and Kazuaki is more than happy to keep him. When Yuuya finds him, Hitori is not at all alarmed as he should be. He seems passive, and simply wants to fall back to sleep. He’s to the point of trying to strangle Yuuya in attempt to let himself fall into eternal slumber (even if he thinks Yuuya is… Kazuaki..?).

Heed these next words carefully. When Yuuya asks if The King did something to him, Hitori replies-

“...No, all The King did was close the door.”

I am a firm believer this is Hitori indirectly saying “Kazuaki did nothing wrong, and I do not resent him for hating me.” Especially since Hitori shows signs of knowing it’s Kazuaki, and repenting.

“He said I need to be punished. Apparently I did something bad… and I think I know what it was.”

This is confirmed in my next point, so bear with me.

Hitori, in this same conversation, is admitting he wants to die. The only thing that stops him- as morbid as it may be, is remembering this takes place before the events of BBL. He hasn’t fulfilled what he believes is his “something I need to do”. Which is seek revenge, and bring Nageki home, as per Shadow’s orders.

Lastly, at the bitter end of Holiday Star when everybirdie is plummeting through the air from the false star, Hitori is still blind and confused. Suddenly, The King erupts from behind Hitori, and appears to be talking to him.

“Oh, is that right?”

“...I know, I know. ...but it’s still too soon. That’s right, I’ll be along soon. I’ll catch up with you. Someday…”

This is arguably my most prominent point in the entire essay. This is Hitori, admitting not only does he still plan to kill himself, but that he intends to keep his promise and reunite with Kazuaki in the afterlife. These are not the words of a heartless quail. These are the words of somebirdie who knows they’ve taken advantage of a friend, but is continuing to do their best to keep their promises and make amends. This is Hitori telling Kazuaki he still cares for him.

Hitori is the result of trauma and hardship beyond compare, and his inability to cope. He is not meant to be hated. He is meant to have shock value, yes. What he has done his disgusting, but you want to love him. Because he raised the sweetest bird in the entire game who would rather kill himself than hurt others.

Grey-villains are difficult, and because you can’t love them for being purely evil, you end up hating them for being a good person who’s done bad things. Hitori is a cracked window. Not quite shattered, but no longer whole, with a faulty image. Hitori is not just some heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. He’s quite literally a bird with a broken wing (or entire ribcage more like), trying to… well, Live, and be happy.

#hitori uzune #uzune hitori #hatoful boyfriend #hatoful kareshi #hatoful #hatoful boyfriend bbl #kazuaki nanaki #nageki fujishiro #hatoful boyfriend holiday star

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peacefulwriter88 · 7 years

Text

Space in Between - Part 2

A/N: Remember this old gem? Sorry it’s been a while – because I work for a school district work comes in tides and waves. Things have slowed down a wee bit that I can dedicate my luv to this sweet little space nerd. Also I might post part 3 after the 2:00 NFL games....

Warnings: None yet :)

Tag List: @sleepretreat @lancetucker @xxhuffelpuff-girlxx

Day 1

It was wearing on him. He looked down at the neat, signed papers resting on his desk, looked at the perfect penmanship of his wife – correction his ex-wife – signature and re-read the words staring up at him from the page.

He didn’t know how it had ended like this.

He had wanted to make her happy, make his son proud. But she couldn’t handle his obsession of space, still constantly needed to unveil all of its mysteries with their family. Didn’t want to deal with the disappointment anymore. Even after she moved back North, he had followed her. Tried to work their marriage life. Tried to lead a normal life.

But it hadn’t worked. He had found the whole situation dull and she knew it. It wasn’t like him. He wanted to continue to push the continuum, not settle down and read about it.

So, a year and a half ago they separated. Three months later, he was delivered divorce papers.

He tried therapy. Tried reconnecting with her. But her mind was made – divorce. Not only was the process shamefully painful, but it was also a prolonged son of a bitch.

These were the last papers after the meetings with lawyers, after hundreds of emails and even more calls. After strained smiles and moving out. After rebuilding his life alone. He had his son, of course, but only twice a weekend and one Wednesday. Elijah was still only two, still too young to understand the consequences of their decisions and he wanted to maintain some normalcy around that.

He looks back down at the papers, sighing deeply before picking up his pen and signing his name on the crisp line. He pushed the paper back into the envelope before licking it closed, the dark letters of the law firm peering back at him.

The past three years of his life was disappearing in the form of ink and paper.

Life was a son of a bitch.

Day 7

It was only a week, but as he sat in his apartment, a cold beer in his hands as he looked down at the book in his hands he knew there was a problem.

Beth didn’t have a problem bouncing back. According to Alex and his fiancé, she was doing just fine. Barely made eye contact with him when he picked Elijah up, barely acknowledged him when he dropped Elijah off. Her hair was different. Cut short, framing the fine features of her face. She had color back in her cheeks and smiled more.

She was probably seeing someone.

That was what had caused this distraction. He wanted to move on and couldn’t.

Day 17

Autumn was coming. You could smell it in the air, feel it when you walked from building to building on the large campus. His senses were coming back again. Food wasn’t bland anymore. Was chilled when the east coast air flew in. His brain started applying things he saw in real life to how they could function in space. He laughed at dumb jokes Alex, or Mark or Rick called.

He was starting to feel like him.

Day 25

It was too soon. It was a month into the semester, a month into his inherited role as professor of Environmental Sciences. He had adjusted to his role on campus – half professor, half infamous astronaut that had been one of the few who had gone to Mars. He shielded away from his celebratory status, trying to deny talking at any events or going to any special dinners. Trying to keep to himself as he tried to figure out what the hell he wanted to do next.

And then you had happened.

It had been in late September, a few weeks before homecoming. He hadn’t forgotten about you, hadn’t forgotten about the way you had shed light to his celebrity.

But now you were different.

You were attentive. You came to class over-prepared, your laptop at the ready as your eyes followed him throughout the classroom. You pushed back on theories that he synopsized about, providing new solutions. You questioned everything, wanted to know everything.

At first, he had thought it was a child’s crush. A lot of the women (and men) had made it obvious they were attracted to him. Alex even teased you about it, also working on campus on a few science projects.

“Every woman on this campus, student and faculty alike, are curious about Dr. Chris Beck.” He would coo, resulting in a soft punch or a chuckle.

It was flattering but it was the last thing on his mind.

Until there was you.

You weren’t asking dumb questions, like everyone else would after class. You would dig to the root, genuinely curious as you shuffled through your piles of paper, presenting them to him as he tried to pack up. When you showed up to his office hours, it was with articles on articles that ran parallel to lessons he was teaching in application to what it would look like in space.

And that was what drew him in.

You were just as obsessed about it as him. You would bite your bottom lip as you shuffled through papers, looking at your laptop trying to spot differences as your free hand would write out equations. Your eyes would furrow together, your hair falling in your face as you absently pushed it aside. The way your face would light up, jumping in enthusiasm as you would point out something to him.

It had him excited. Had his blood pumping to do just as much research – wanted to gauge your response when he brought up something new to you.

Had him looking forward to class. And he knew that was a problem.

Perhaps he needed a hobby. Or get laid.

He probably just needed to get laid.

Day 31

You were wearing mustard. It was a color he didn’t have any opinion on before until he saw it on you. Mustard patterned dress that accentuated your breast and stopped a little above your knees. Intricate designed tights that stuck to your skin like it was a part of them. High brown boots that moved past your calf. Your hair was thrown up in a bun as you laughed alongside the two friends you always came to class with, finding your seat as he brushed through the pages.

He cursed himself again.

Freshly divorced and barely halfway through his first month teaching and he was in full heat over you – a student.

He had tried dating. Tried to have casual sex. It was useless because he already knew that he belonged to you.

“Who’s the girl?” Alex had asked, bringing a beer to his lips as Rick quirked up an eyebrow.

“Girl? There’s a girl in newly single Beck’s life?”

Rick had flown in the night before and they had decided to quickly catch up for dinner after work. He had rolled his eyes, falling back in his seat as he shook his head.

“There is no girl. I have no idea what Alex is referring to.”

Rick, always happy to instigate, turns back to Alex who’s shaking his head chuckling.

“You’re full of shit and you know it. Lisa’s been trying to set this guy up with everyone she knows. Every woman so far, who have literally thrown themselves at his feet, haven’t been called back for a second date. Haven’t been invited to his home. So either Beth made you a eunuch or there’s someone else preoccupying your mind”

He had tried to brush it aside, taking a swing of his drink as Rick exclaims,

“You have females throwing themselves at you, newly free and ready to party and you’ve been throwing that away.”

“Listen,” he finally says, their eyes watching him carefully. “I’m not trying to jump back into another relationship. Not trying to just mess around with a woman. Did that enough in my twenties.”

“Now you’re in your mid-thirties and got all the time in the world.” Rick continues and he scoffs.

“I’m just trying to enjoy being with me.”

They had watched him, rolling their eyes before jumping into another conversation. He was grateful, grateful for the distraction as he tried to remind himself of the same thing.

But now you were in his classroom, wearing that damn dress that hit your curves just right, and he was stuck questioning if he was full of shit. He tried to ignore you as you leaned into your friend Mara, turning his attention to the white board. He only gets through half of what he needs to write before he hears your exclaim,

“What!?”

He turns back to the group, sighing before clearing his throat. Perhaps he could feel you out. Maybe you were also just as into him as he was you. He thinks back to the conversation he had earlier with Alex,

“Listen, I wasn’t trying to call you out in front of Rick last night.”

He had shrugged it off, scrolling through his phone while they waited at the coffee cart and Alex sighed.

“Come on – we’re going to dinner this weekend. Will probably go out dancing after. You should come and have a good time. Lisa has this friend ...”

“No more Lisa dates.” He cuts Alex off and Alex chuckles, slapping him on his back.

“Well you gotta get out since you’re a newly single man. Beth’s dating – don’t see why you don’t.”

They take another step forward and he groans, shaking his head.

“Beth’s been dating for months. Good for her. I’m just not sure I’m ready.”

Alex snorts, shaking his head before pointing to his phone. “Please. Let me guess – you were answering a text from that woman you’ve been talking to.” Chris gives a blank stare as Alex continues, “Listen, I know you haven’t blatantly said it out loud but I know there’s another girl because of the signs. You always bring up this mystery woman that you’ve been meeting for coffee to discuss environmental science theories because that’s a thing. You always are checking your phone to see if she’s sending you messages and when she does, you smile. Don’t play dumb with me Beck, I know a crush when I see one.”

He had tried to mask the smile that was inevitably spreading on his face as Alex finishes,

“Just invite her or whatever. Do it for all of us – her included. Sure she’s tired of you leading her on.”

It couldn’t hurt to see. He did like you. And if you weren’t into him, then he could go back to feeling miserable for himself like had been for the past year and focus on his future.

#chris beck x reader #chris beck #Sebastian Stan

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

hello. yesterday sucked.

i don’t even remember yesterday that well. i ended up hanging out with keegan and harrison for like an hour and a half, between 5:30 and 7, right before we proctored... we were swapping goofy youtube videos. at the end of my video my youtube recommendations popped up and i was like “NOOOOOOOOOOO” and tried to cover up my screen while having a panic attack, because i’m really cool.

i listen to video game soundtracks. i do not really want them knowing which video games i like. even though portal 2 is objectively the best game ever i just feel like... it’s hard to share fan made content with other people.

like when i mentioned i read fan fiction everyone got all weird about it like i was reading hardcore porn or something. i don’t like that feeling. that like... misunderstanding of what my interest is. then i end up rambling for two hours to explain my love for this piece of media and i bore the other person and then we’re back at square one.

but if i join, like, a fandom, i’ll be expected to only talk about that one thing. but i like lots of things!!! i dunno. let me listen to the blue sky “podcast” in peace.

i’ve never talked about that book with ANYONE, except to mention that it’s really good. and it is a novel. it takes that long to read.

anyway proctoring was boring so i spent some time counting all the left-handed students in the lecture hall, and then i played pokemon go, and then i wandered around staring intimidatingly at people. i am not intimidating at all, i wear a bow in my hair. but they looked at me like i was either gonna rip their heads off, or stark naked, and i’m not sure which.

also the stapler was loud as a gunshot and i flinched every time i had to staple someone’s exam together, which was 115 times.

i talked to the professor i was teamed up with though and we just talked about, like, moving to a new place and getting established i guess? i don’t know about you guys but i unironically like talking about the weather. leave me alone.

i actually can’t tell if i want to be alone or not. i feel sick like i want to be alone. but i also desperately want to talk about this stuff i like. i talked to keegan about competitive pokemon for 20 minutes and let him see my collection. well, “see,” because he is basically blind and didn’t even realize my ds had a top screen. he asked how many of my 270 pokemon are hacked and i said like 8. and that’s... true. in the ballpark of ten, i think.

he stopped playing after diamond and pearl so i had to explain hidden abilities and triple battles. i miss triple battles.

oh right, yesterday i had group therapy. i got some advice. i think i will try to implement it soon. basically the idea is to carry a notebook or a phone memo with you and to periodically question yourself and write down everything you are feeling. it might help me narrow down my emotions to more than “angry” or “confused.” and she said it helps you get to know yourself better too.

hey today i woke up on time again. i think snoopy had been laying on my feet because they were extremely warm when i woke up. i didn’t get enough sleep at all. i finished getting ready early so of course that means i got distracted and left for class a little late.

but i biked turbo fast i guess because i got to class right on time and started teaching right away. i think it went ok. i was completely exhausted about 3/4 of the way through my second lab though so the last half hour was a real struggle to help everyone finish. i don’t know why my last section has so much trouble finishing on time. it cuts into my lunch break before my meetings with danielle at the drc. or whatever other appointment i have to attend to that day. last week i didn’t even get a lunch break, i had to eat at the seminar thing, i mentioned.

but it’s my middle section, which i feel i teach the best, that’s been getting consistently the lowest grades out of my sections. so i dunno. i use the same rubric for all three.

so i forced down some lunch and graded for 45 minutes (skipped coffee cookie time on accident, i didn’t really feel like dealing with sam today anyway, maybe next week). and then i went to the drc. we arranged for my course to get dropped and i contacted financial aid about the change to my minimum full time credit hours. i haven’t heard back from them yet, but the minute i do i’m going to set up an appointment with my graduate advisor to get that settled. in the meantime danielle told me not to waste my time going to class and to worry about the long term stuff.

maybe since everyone is here all year round i can cajole one of the professors into leading an “independent study” where i can try to keep up with my e&m credit.

we finished that up in about 25 minutes so danielle spent a while asking about my emotions. i think they were good questions because for once i had answers i could put into words, sort of. she pointed out that i laugh when i mention something painful to me. i said i get that a lot. it’s... easier than acknowledging that it hurts. ESPECIALLY in front of other people. crying is awkward and makes people uncomfortable.

we went a little bit into, like, the reasoning behind my trust issues and how it affects me now. it really was painful giving a list of the people that have majorly wronged me. and now how i don’t tell people when i’m sad or angry with them because that might make them angry and why should i be angry if i don’t want to be around angry people. and i know that when people are angry with you it’s scary and i don’t want to spook the people i care about. and like, i don’t like people being angry around me, because even if they’re not angry at me specifically they will take it out on me. it’s not safe.

“wronged” as in, like, how jim ghosted on me. or the year craig spent telling me i was “too much” or taking my words out of context and making me look like a real monster to my friends.

she asked why i haven’t told sam directly to cut out the “cute” thing yet since it’s really rustling my jimmies. she said it was really disrespectful and i dunno it felt nice to hear someone else agreeing with me. well, it’s more like, she asked why i haven’t told sam how her words make me feel. i said it’s because it ain’t her business. danielle said that was fair enough.

telling people how their words make you feel is kind of, making yourself vulnerable to a person who literally just hurt you. hey, glad you’ve found my buttons! let me just make myself more vulnerable there for you. is that an easier target now? glad to help. let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it easier for you to hurt my feelings.

i also mentioned the guy in the discord several weeks ago who went off on me for complaining about past romantic partners, because how *dare* i feel sad for being assaulted, because *he* can’t even get one date! i should be GRATEFUL for the attention!

involving a lot more curse words and insults to my mental faculties and character, of course.

man, i kinda hate having to add that tw tag to my posts because i mentioned something that happened to me. it does affect me though. and it’s better to warn people what they’re getting into. even if i just mention it once.

i felt a little bummed, but also, a little more on both feet mentally/emotionally after i left. i filled out my medical drop form and sent it to danielle to review. then i dicked around on the internet for like an hour while harrison came and sat in the office and dicked around on his phone. we didn’t really talk but we did throw candy at each other for a few minutes.

it’s so hard to show people the stuff i love. i mention it sometimes and if they don’t, like, immediately show interest i drop it forever. oz has been kind about the stuff i recommend. i’m trying to figure out which movie i want to watch with him over my thanksgiving break. i know it’s just an hour and a half or two hours, but it still feels like a huge energy investment.

one time i linked him a music video and he said it was “beautiful” and i was like, “I KNOW RIGHT???”

i’ve remembered that moment for a long time. that was many years ago.

i graded until after 8 and finished one more section. two more to go before i am officially in the clear. then i will only be 2 weeks behind! for those 3 sections each!!! i also uploaded the grades to keep my supervisor posted on my progress a little better, and adjusted some formatting preferences on the excel file to make it easier for me to find stuff right away.

i think my grade averages are maybe the lowest out of my friend group. i’m so concerned about doing right by my students and then i end up being kind of a hardass when it comes to actually taking off points haha... it’ll get curved back up at the end so i’m not too worried. i just feel bad that my students have to look at their 12/20 because i know how demoralizing that is. i think i will send out an email later and offer some resources if i can find any.

the problem is that i had 4 or 5 curve breakers so i couldn’t just scale up everyone’s scores at the end.

anyway once i got home i made a microwave meal because it was like 8:50 and i just wanted food. i did all my dishes and hid some cookies for snoopy and cleaned her litter genie thing since it, uh, malfunctioned the other day and i just didn’t have time to fix it until tonight. and i swept the bathroom afterward so that looks better and doesn’t smell like cat pee.

ok it is six minutes after my “stop writing” time. i would like to get enough sleep tonight for once. i just have a lot on my mind and not much desire to deal with my dreams.

i saw my friends again. i was just watchin em, i couldn’t really interact with the dream at all. they were trying to figure out some deja vu feelings. i couldn’t say anything to them that might help clear it up though. unable to get the message across.

i think keegan asked what kinds of dreams i have that i don’t like sleeping very much. oh i mentioned i don’t like naps because i get horrible nightmares. he asked how i ever sleep then and i said i guess eight hours is long enough for the dreams to calm down. THEN he asked what kinds of dreams i have. i said i dream about my eyes rotting out, or the skin coming off my hands, or blood and gunk just coming out of my mouth in a constant stream. he and harrison said please stop.

i am not sure how to bring up dream friends with them. i mentioned it to suzanne one time on the way to spaghetti day when we were swapping dream concepts. and i am not sure if they are even interesting enough to bring up. i’m not sure what to make of them at all. i guess it makes being awake feel less real. because i’ve met all these people in my dreams and i don’t always remember what i say to them but they feel real to me.

you know, i did bring them up a little bit. i mentioned that i meet a lot of people in my dreams and that most of them are dead now. that prompted a joke about how we are all dead to keegan until he sees us again in the morning. it was funny and it made me feel a little better, but with most of them like, i watched them die. it’s not a matter of “haven’t been in touch.”

i just don’t know how to describe how i feel about the dream guys. it feels dumb to care about something like that when they’re not even real, they’re people i made up in my head. like it’s almost egotistical to pay attention to them or be concerned for their safety. i guess it depends on how you interpret dreams. collective consciousness? random nonsense? processing our day by making random associations? who knows. maybe a little of all of them.

maybe it’s easier for my brain to handle being concerned about people i made up and put into danger myself than it is for my brain to be concerned about me and the problems i make in my own head.

i was talking to keegan and jennica and harrison at our meeting before the proctoring started. we were talking about how we have all adopted keegan’s “that’s no good” whenever we see something we don’t like. harrison joked that that’s how he would introduce keegan to a stranger. then he said he would introduce me to a stranger by saying something like “this is sammie. she’s depressed.”

i guess i felt kinda bad. i said “wow, good to know that depression is my defining character trait. it’s the one thing about me everyone notices!”

maybe the others felt bad too because i don’t think we talked about that much more. it’s hard to remember.

i still say things nic used to say in high school when we dated. like “wow! WOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW” is a good one. i think “smooth like sandpaper” is a phrase he picked up from me but we both said it a lot.

people stay with me. even when i don’t want them to. i still make jokes that shade toward stuff craig used to say. i still make jokes that jim really liked. when i caught myself using that old stupid punch line i had to stop and feel kinda sick for a few minutes actually.

i wonder if that’s all that people pick up from me? “this is sammie. she has depression.” i say things that i think are hilarious all the time but i don’t know if other people pick it up. i have like fifteen different words for “angry.” maybe my speech pattern is just odd enough that people don’t really copy me.

i’ve never really talked like a normal person. most of my vocabulary comes from reading. books, internet message boards, video games, international students in high school. i still mispronounce words and i have so much trouble with names that i, like, try to avoid referring to people by name at this point.

danielle said i should try to make myself more vulnerable to my friends. so maybe they can understand me better. and maybe i will understand them better.

but i tried that already. it didn’t work. i’m not stupid. i’m not gonna try something a million times if i know it’s not gonna work.

just kidding, i’m still studying physics. of course i’m gonna beat my head against a wall until either the wall or my head breaks!!!

danielle said she admired how strong i am for continuing to get up and work hard every day. she asked how i was feeling. i said “not very strong.”

it doesn’t feel like strength. it just feels like. boredom. maybe. i don’t know what else to do and i get restless. may as well do stuff.

#tw assault

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