#The Wedding of River Song | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

variousqueerthings · 5 months

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DOCTOR... WHO???? (siiiigh)

ok. ok. so. ok. alright let's do this. i have a sneaking suspicion this will rate higher than some other M*ffat episodes, but don't let that fool you about me thinking it's good"

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 8/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored): 3/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 1/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 5/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 3/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 3/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 6/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 4/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 1/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 3/10

FULL RATING: 37/100 (if I can count….)

OMFG NO IT'S THE LOWEST RATED BOY OH BOY OH BOY AND IT DIDN'T EVEN DO BAD ON OBJECTIFICATION RATING AND YET!!!!!! IT'S SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!

OBJECTIFICATION: Amy wears a suit in this one. River Song is also wearing a suit in this one. because this secret society thing? (I am unclear what they're doing in it in this world, but I mean... the world-building is rated one out of ten so we'll get to that) people wear suits

there is this weird fucking interaction between sci-fi Churchill and the Doctor:

Churchill: What’s she like? Attractive I suppose The Doctor: Hell.... in high heels Churchill (leering): Tell me more

PLOT-POINT: ok so like. this episode is called "the wedding of River Song." it's about... not River Song. it's technically about how River Song (REMEMBER HOW RIVER SONG IS SECRETLY AMY'S AND RORY'S KID AND SHE WAS STOLEN AFTER AMY WAS FORCED TO GIVE BIRTH TO HER IN ORDER TO BREED THE "PERFECT PSYCHOPATH FOR THE DOCTOR" SO SHE WOULD KILL THE DOCTOR FOR A REASON WE STILL DON'T KNOW BUT LET'S FUCKINDFG DKLJSLÖKGFHSK BUT THEN OFC SHE BREAKS HER PROGRAMMING BECAUSE SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE SHE'S INFORMED SHE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SO SHE DECIDES NOT TO KILL THE DOCTOR BUT THEN THEY FORCE HER INTO AN ASTRONAUT SUIT THAT WAS BUILT IN 1969 BECAUSE THIS SECRET SOCIETY SENT HUMANITY TO THE MOON SO THEY COULD DESIGN THIS SUIT FOR RIVER SONG TO KILL THE DOCTOR THE MOON LANDING WAS ABOUT THE DOCTOR SDFJJJLKJÖARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OKAY AND SO EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NO LONGER INTERESTED IN KILLING THE DOCTOR THEY CAN JUST KIDNAP HER AND FORCE HER ITO THE SUIT TO KILL THE DOCTOR BUT ALSO NOW SHE'S NOT BECAUSE LURVE MAKES HER BREAK TIME TRUST ME BRO JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT I- *tears M*ffat apart With My Fucking Teeth*)

okay so it's about how River Song broke time in order to not kill the Doctor, which is supposedly a fixed point in Time, even though it definitely is not in show canon up until this season decided it was, and then the whole episode is the Doctor building up to telling River "actually I've found a way to not die," and she's like "oh good" and then he doesn't die

that is the plot. why is this a season's worth of plot and then 48mins? I will get to the FUCKING MONTAGES in a bit

so River's Thing is like. she's in love with the Doctor. in fact according to this episode "I cant let you die without letting you know that you are loved, by so many and so much, but by no one more than me"

which, if you're into River/Doctor is fine, personally I think Matt Smith looks like a child and Alex Kingston for all her acting (and hindered by so much bad "sexy" dialogue) cannot convince me she's into this baby-looking person. maybe if they'd done this during Capaldi, but that would require doing more things with River Song and M*ffat isn't really interested in her beyond the fact that a. she's in love with the Doctor and uh... 2. she was raised by a secret society. or she lived with her mother while she was growing up? (how did that work, when she was a child, weren't there people wondering who this kid's parents were????) and 3. she's sexy and she knows it

it does not fucking matter how she feels about the brainwashing of it all. it Does Not

I give this SOME points, because finally Amy got to have an emotion about her baby being taken away from her, I had fully forgotten that: "You took my baby from me and you hurt her and now she’s grown up and she’s fine (is she, we'll never know), but I’ll never see my baby again," and then she straight up, deliberately murders the villain who's helplessly tied to a chair

wonder if her feeling about murder will affect the plot in the future (they do mention it at the end of this episode), and she hints that "River didn't get it all from you" so like. Amy care to explain the execution you just committed?

she also mowed down a bunch of The Silence, but they're creepy monster people and not real people, so that's fine

uhhh what else for Amy? idk, she's there, she still loves Rory

COMPLEXITY: Stupid! Fucking! Plot! wait I already did this in the above point, okay so after River Breaks Time to not kill the Doctor at this supposed fixed point (lol, no it still fucking isn't M*ffat, there's loose continuity, and there's not caring at all about making your shit make sense, because LOLLL it's scifi after all and you can do what you want I fucking guess), Time just... stops

and all of Time happens at the same Time, except some people are noticing (are people ageing? or experiencing the same day again and again? or.. hte same second again and again? why is Churchill really the guy we want representing this idea??? why are there cars being carried around by big balloons????? why is it all earth? no time to explore any of this world- wait that's below point IT ALL BLEEDS INTO EACH OTHER BECAUSE IT'S SO STUPID)

WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLORE ANY OF THIS BECAUSE WE NEED TO GET TO THE REALLY INTERESTING PART OF THE EPISODE!

montages

the Doctor is explaining what happened up to a certain point and does so through the artistic format of montage. that means that Every! FUcking! Episode! M*ffat wrote for this season has a montage at the beginning!!!!!!

and then at the end of the montage, they're like oh no there's The Silence around us, for some reason, and then the Doctor gets kidnapped by... Amy, who's in the secret society now?

but now they're good guys, dedicated to figuring out why Time has stopped (except it... I mean it clearly hasn't, things are moving and changing and why is this done in the Stupidest way possible)

and they captured some Silence. but actually they were never captured just waiting, and now they're free and they go up to the top of a pyramid, the Doctor gets married to River, time restarts, River shoots the Doctor, but the Doctor had a Plan all along, using the little guys in robot-people we met in Let's Kill Hitler to get that body shot instead

the end

except for setting up THE NEXT STAGE OF THE MYSTERY because aaaalll of this happenned from WAY back in s5, because of a Question that mustn't be asked... and that question is Doctor Who

this episode is doing like. 2 things. "I know I'm going to die, and I stopped it easily (not so fixed a point after all I Guess, M*ffat)," and River and Doctor got married

oh and Amy KILLED PEOPLE but this will not be important, that was just to make her More Badass

and for all that it is presented like it's so fucking complicated

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: um so plot as above is nothing, as said, it's just another bit of silly mystery on top of an already unwieldy house of cards standing in a drafty room

characters. not much actually, I mean, yes the Doctor and River got married now, but it's like. anti-dynamic. it's just there now the characters are meant to get married for the set-piece

lore um... checks notes. fucking. "Doctor Who." Trenzalore is a place something is going to happen. yeah so, fuck off nothing

COMPANIONS MATTER: lol see above. nope they're still basically "The last Centurion and the Girl Who Waited"

which, defining Rory as the Last Centurion outside of the particular episode in which another version of him was the centurion never made sense to me, sure that's something he did in a part of the story, but it's not really what his character... is. it's just that M*ffat loooves a moniker and it sounds impressive, and also in the last episode, the Doctor said "it's time to stop waiting" there's just nothing! new here! they're never going to be anyone else, or like... just their flipping names

Rory in this version of events/this other different universe is a soldier, and Amy doesn't remember him (I'm assuming Amy remembers the Doctor because they have a bond from back in s5 where her remembering him brought him back from non-existence, I can accept this as an already-established thing), but she does remember someone who she draws completely differently to Rory (hearkening back to Rory not being as manly as Amy's ideal fantasy and I thought we were past that but whatever)

anyway, the Doctor goes up to soldier-Rory and says this: Loyal soldier waiting to be noticed, always the pattern

IS Rory a soldier ever outside of two episodes in s6, both written by M*ffat????? M*ffat has a different, less caring, more "masculine" version of Rory that he writes that is so different from Rory in near every other episode... I don't like this Rory much, because he has no personality outside of "shoot gun/be badass and run after Amy"

I do appreciate that he is about to die and Amy returns to save him (although I have questions about how easy it is to kill "the bad guys" in M*ffat's era)

I will take this from the same exchange as above:

The Doctor (trying to get Rory to go for Amy): she said you were a mr hotti…ness and she would like to go out with you for… texting and scones..."

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: this episode is all about how the Doctor is so special that everything bends towards this Moment In Time, but wait, That Moment is actually all about an even more important Moment that is still to come, also about the Doctor

and the tension of the episode is simply everyone waiting to see what clever thing the Doctor has already done in order to stave off the events this whole season has ostensibly been building up to

River Song at the Doctor: You’ve decided that the universe is better off without you, but the universe doesn’t agree

I mean yes, I enjoy the narratives favourite chewtoy type characters as much as anyone, but the thing is this Doctor isn't that, because the Doctor already has the solution. it's just. doing the exact thing that the episode The God Complex was deconstructing! S I L L Y ! ! !

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: there's a moment here that's kind of quick succession, and goes like this -- the Doctor is avoiding the moment of his death (that is easily avoided), and has a throwaway bit in which he say that Liz the First is forever waiting in a grove to elope with him (gross, stop gross stop with the ongoing Elizabeth the First banged the Doctor jokes stop! It!) or he could just "go and help Rose Tyler with her homework"

I can read this either as M*ffat's penchant of writing whatever he wants in terms of how the timelines of this series go (which is how he does it with Eleven constantly jumping forwards and backwards, up until the point it suddenly can't be done, because M*ffat only has rules when they serve a particular plot point), but I also can pretend/enjoy it from the perspective of "actually I could never go back and help Rose Tyler with her homework, because it's not possible to change how things went down or mess with her timeline, and that's the point, I'm pretending I can do what I want, but I know I can't"

ofc the episode then undermines this point, but still... it's a sweet point

also Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart dies. I didn't remember this in the episode, but I assume it just didn't land with me back in the day because.... who is the Brigadier if you haven't seen classic!who? it's something for the classic!who fans I suppose, but it's literally the moment that makes the Doctor stop running and it's completely unestablished why the Doctor cares about this character or even really who this character is

I'm being pedantic now perhaps, but I think if you're going to bring up classic!who (which I do enjoy) it needs to either be an actual Easter Egg/not affect the plot, oooorrrr it needs to be re-established in this text why this matters, and this does neither

I was sad watching it this time, because I've met the Brigadier now, but it's easy and lazy nostalgia bait

“SEXINESS”: so like. this isn't the worst episode for this, but the worst episode for this is so bad!

aforementioned gross mention of "Liz the first," River Song and the Doctor do boring, annoying flirting in which she mentions his past with Cleopatra (strike two, but at least??? Marilyn Monroe isn't also mentioned)

INTERNAL WORLD: none. nothing. montages of places that will never matter and a pocket universe world in which it seems like they thought two seconds about the functionality of it, I went on a rant above, I'm resisting ranting again, this whole thing is Stupid

POLITICS: there's not really politics. I mean, it's not a very big episode, it's just pretending to be, but in the end it's a couple of specific plotpoints inside a carnival that's on fire

but let's see, there's obviously the complete lack of interest in exploring female characters (including in episodes in which their names appear in the title)

oh and they mention psychopath River again

River: Take a child, raise her into the perfect psychopath, introduce her to the Doctor… who else was I going to fall in love with? fuck offffffffffff fuck off with all of this forever

also the plot culminates in a marriage -- now I was more annoyed when I thought the marriage literally solved the problem, when really it's more a sort of... segue into solving it, but the idea that this is a more important relationship than any the Doctor ever had or is ever going to have is what this plot works so hard to make the central conceit, and the way to prove this is by getting married, which segues into Fixing The Universe

and to be fair, it walked itself into this corner (on purpose) from the moment River Song was introduced, but the way it pretended at mystery as if the answer wasn't always "yeah they got married I guess, in an episode so boring, trying to be so big, that presents the Idea of marriage as the event that is more important than any other in the Universe (not like... individually, in the Universe) that for the Doctor in the same season as we had The Doctor's Wife is framed as more important than any other relationship because it is now defined by Getting Married...."

it's kind of a central problem with River Song and the Doctor, in the end it's... terribly normative. it tries not to be, but its structures struggle to break out of it, even when we get told that River has other partners (never seen, never important, often more of a throwaway innuendo to show how sexy she is), even with the tragedy of them moving backwards (sort of) in their respective timelines, it's still performing alloromantic heteronormative relationship hierarchy (big words meaning They're Straight TM writing)

the possible upside (we shall see) is that maybe now the stupid flipping marriage build-up is done River can be doing other fucking stuff, like being a character

FULL RATING: 37/100 (if I can count….)

okay so, the good. low on literally objectifying female characters on the whole, and isn't the worst on previous doctor who (except for of course saying a big fuck you to every past Companion and important relationship the Doctor has ever had)

and the bad is. that it is bad. bad across the board. it's a bad episode, made worse by everything that was bad before being doubled down on, so that in hindsight all the other bad stuff is also worse, like a horror ride funhouse mirror of non-linear watching reflecting backwards and forwards in time (kind of like M*ffat wishes the River Song and the Doctor's story managed to do, but in bad)

and that is s6. what a wild ride. epic highs and lows indeed!

#im watching nu!who #im watching eleven who #the measurement #the wedding of river song #enjoy my rantings and ravings #there is so much ranting in this and it is totally unedited #i am the charlie day meme just.... be prepared

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