“Back to December” is such a bittersweet song, but I think in light of everything we know now, the post-Dear John, WCS, I Can See You of it all, there’s something even more poignant about it.
On the surface, it’s an apology to a boy whose heart she broke because she just didn’t love him enough at the time, and how much she misses these very innocent things about him — his sweet smile, his tan skin lol that line always makes me laugh though, his uncomplicated love. It’s a romance that’s painted with summer sunshine and easy affection.
But as we know with later songs, at this point it wasn’t enough. She was tempted by the “forbidden fruit,” the thrill of the chase, the furtive glances and electric touch (lol sorry) of someone else and followed the path to desire. (OK that feels a little gross to type out, but you know what I mean.)
And as we also know, that experience, that fall from grace as it were, is one of the single most traumatizing experiences of her life. The god’s honest truth is that the pain was heaven, maybe, but it came at the cost of the very person she thought she was, and is something she’s been trying to rebuild over and over again ever since.
Which is why “Back to December” is so sad to me, taken in that context. It’s like she’s not just wistful for a sweet relationship that fizzled and the boy she left behind; she’s yearning for the very idea of what that relationship represented. The summer car rides, the laughs, the earnestness of their youth. She wants her girlhood back and this is the last moment she had it in her reaches before it was taken from her before she was ready.
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye
In the context of the songs that came in years to follow, we know those dark days are not just from their breakup; someone made her days very, very dark, and she’s replaying the moment before that penny dropped.
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
Sure, the song is about making amends to the boy for breaking his heart, wishing she could get a do-over, but given how these themes are explored afterwards, it feels like it means more than that. Because after this point in time, she knows exactly how it feels not to be loved right, and she’s desperate to go back to a time when her world made sense.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind —> And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said, "Run as fast as you can" —> I regret you all the time
It’s just a constant loop of, this is the moment everything changed, and this is the last time I felt safe.
And then the last thing that just kind of clicked for me, is the recurring theme of reliving a moment over and over again and being unable to let it go. In Back to December, she’s replaying the moment she let him go, but again in light of what we know now, I don’t think it’s a reach to relate to the other closely related memories she relives in spite of herself. There are other examples of the theme of memories in her discography I’m sure, but this is obviously the one that sticks out in this discussion:
I go back to December all the time —> Memories feel like weapons —> The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind
Sure I may be seeing things where there are none, but to me, underneath the puppy-love surface of “Back to December” are the seeds of trauma at work, yearning to return to a time before it happened and staying on the same “righteous” course with the right boy, the right behaviour, the right responses. She may not have the words to voice them at the time, but the feeling permeates all of her writing. Speak Now the album(s) is all about the things she wished she’d said or done in the moment, and this right here is one of the most poignant ones for so many reasons.
TL;DR: apologies to the boy in question, but it isn’t just about you.
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your love for debut legitimately makes me want to double follow you
<333 that’s so sweet 🥺 i love that we’re both debut stans, that’s amazing
finally someone who appreciates this underrated masterpiece!!
i mean,,, tim mcgraw, picture to burn, our song, mary’s song, invisible, a place in this world, stay beautiful, tied together with a smile,,, THEYRE ALL AMAZING SONGS AND I CANT WAIT FOR DEBUT TV!!!
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