oo gamers its been a WHIRLWIND of emotions this past day or so

Placeholder - Jacob Black x reader

One shot

Inspired by the Radiohead song “India Rubber”

She/her

Y/n has had a crush on Jacob since middle school, entering high school they start to get closer but then Bella his longtime crush comes back to town.

comment Bella slander I love it but #teamedward #jacobishotter

*not proof read or edited*

┌────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────┐

Did it all for you to say, you never wanted me that way.

I’ve had the biggest crush on Jacob ever since middle school. We were at La push and him and his friends were playing soccer and 12 year me went crazy for some reason. We went to school together but it wasn’t easy being friends with your crush. It wasn’t until summer before freshmam year once we started getting closer. He got a car and he would give me rides to school. Those school rides turned into hangouts.

First he brought his friends along, we would go get pizza, go to the arcade, bowling or the beach. Though it wasn’t until the fall when it would he just us two. He called them friend dates although I would wanted it to be more.

Then came spring. The daughter of Chief Swan came back in town. Jacob and Bella were best friends when they were young cause of their dads. Bella was 2 years older than him. She was 17 now and he was 15 and a lot has changed since she’s was last here. Jacob had a crush on Bella it wasn’t hard to tell. As soon as he heard the news from his dad that Bella was back in town he started spending time with her, catching up and trying to be the best friends they used to be.

Now the dogs have had their meat, I think I’ll go plug in the mains.

He and the rest of the boys went back to school on the rez too so she hardly saw him and now she was forced to ride the bus. With that Jacob and y/n daily hangs out turned to after school only. But sometimes he would cancel cause and she quotes “reconnecting with Bella” so now it was weekend only.

Soon the summer came around and Bella got a boyfriend and basically kicked Jacob to the curb. Now y/n had her Jacob back. They caught up after her time was stolen by Bella and Jacob acted like nothing happened. The same cycle happened again. Hanging out as a group, then alone, then Bella. Everyday, after school, weeekend only, then cancelations.

It was fall and Bella broke up with Edward. Jacob was back to following her around like a lost puppy. Y/n noticed Bella was treating Jacob like a place holder and y/n didn’t like it. Even though it pains her that Jacob has feeling for Bella, doesn’t mean she can play with him all she wants. She know he’s wrapped around her finger and she takes advantage of that.

Jacob was blinded by love, although he knew that he was temporary to her, he loved that he was at least hers for while. Edward leaving Bella in emotional mess was the shitiest thing he’s done but Jacob took it as an opportunity to swoop in and take Bella for himself. So he went to the one person he knew for advice, y/n. He pulled up to her house and texted her he was outside.

Y/n excited that Jacob wanted to hang out because it’s been weeks since they’ve did. She excitedly put her shoes on and headed out her door. Once she got in the car she was ready to list some ideas for what they could do but before Jacob ask her what set her down an emotional spiral.

“Y/n I need help” he turned to her

“Yea what’s up.”

“I wanna make Bella a little basket because she’s been really upset with her breakup”

Of course it’s for Bella y/n thought

“Uh sure”

“Okay what would you if you were going though a heartbreak ?”

“Um well candy always a good one, you can put in her favorites. I love gummy worms-”

“Bella hates them, she thinks they’re too chewy” he cut her off

“Um well like I said her favorites. I candle and a nice soft cute blanket. Maybe something sentimental between you guys of some thing” y/n told him

“Yes the sentimental things that’s good!”

There was silence between them

“Y/n Im gonna be honest with you, I feel comfortable and trust you enough to say this” he said with a deep breath

“I have feelings for Bella and I want to ask her out” yup and there it is. Her heart sunk. Y/n always knew but now that she has the confirmation makes it worse.

“I never felt this way about anyone before. She’s perfect, everything I want in someone. She’s self preserved, she’s smart and-”

Y/n couldn’t keep listening to him. He was praising her. He was in love with her. Every word he said she could hear the “love” in his voice. It was soul crushing. The boy she loved was in love with someone els. She always thought she would’ve ended up with him, she was so positive. They were close, she finally had him all too herself once he stopped inviting his friends. But then a Bella came. Bella, Bella, Bella all about her.

She snapped out of her emotions trying not to tear up infront of him but once she heard the sentence she broke.

“ I love her y/n.”

With that she couldn’t stay silent anymore.

I tumble like a clown. Before your baying hounds. I suffocated myself into your hands.

“Enough Jake, I’ve had enough! Can’t you see she’s doesn’t care about you? She’s using you. She’s waiting for Edward to come back you’re just a placeholder, it’s been like this since last year?! Once she met him she left you. She’s in love with him not you, she loves the attention she gets not you, she loves the “security” she gets from you not you! She knows you won’t leave cause you’ve been obsessed with her ever since you were younger. she loves the idea of you not you. you know she’ll never stop loving Edward but you don’t wanna admit it!!” y/n yells at him.

Jacob has tears slowing filling up his eye, his knuckles turned white from gripping the steering wheel out of anger. He knows it’s the truth.

“Get out.” he says calmly trying not to lose his temper.

“Just know with me you’ll never be a burden. You wouldn’t be 1 or 2 in my life, you’ll be my life.” y/n says as she slams the door. Jacob speeds off.

Time skip 2 years.

Who would’ve guess Edward came back. Bella and them are graduating and everyone in school got an invite to the Cullens graduation party. Even though Y/n somewhat resented Bella even though she’s with Edward. Her crush on Jacob died out but you never really get over your first love. She decided to go to the party because a party’s a party.

It was 8pm and y/n was the party. She was hanging out with her friends now and the newly seniors while she was a newly junior. They were drinking, singing terribly and playing truth or dare. Y/n gets up to get a refill feeling a bit tipsy but she’s not wasted. As shes in the kitchen she runs into an old friend. Jacob.

When you spare your make up smile, im instantly your biggest fan.

He looks at with the most innocent smile acting like they’re fall out never happened. It’s been 2 years. They’re 16 now and they grown into their more mature selfs (and body’s) Jacob obviously spoke up first

“You look nice” he said staring at her.

“Thanks you too” she replied sipping her drink.

How was I supposed to know that you’ve practice it before.

 └────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────┘

When they leave you on your wedding day (Sakusa, Bokuto)

Genre: angst

Word count: 1.7K

masterlist

Sakusa’s will make more sense if you read this you don’t have too but it’ll help.

Sakusa:

“Y/N,” you hear knocks on the door outside your dressing room “I-I need to talk to you.”    

“But Omi, a groom must never see their bride until they meet at the alter,” you say behind the door.

“I-It’s important, and I must tell you right now.” he says a bit more intensely

“Okay, Okay... you can come in but im hiding in the closet since my dress is already on.”

“Ok.”

You hear the door open and shut, and a lot of pacing around of what you can presume was his fresh wedding shoes trotting against the hard wood floors.

“Omi,” you call wondering why he hasn’t spoken yet “Is everything okay?”

“Umm yes I-it's fine...it just I-” he says pausing

“Just what?”

“I don’t really know how to say this Y/N, I don’t really know how to say it’s just-” he says again pausing himself taking a deep breath.

“Just what Omi? Don’t tell me you’ve got cold feet love,” you say laughing at the thought of it, but your laughter ceased when you don’t hear the ‘Of course I don’t have cold feet Y/N’ that you were expecting.

“Omi?” you asked again, hoping he had he was still going to give you the response you wanted.

“Omi..” you repeated.

“Omi!” you say finally, now exiting the room (with your wedding dress on) to see why your fiance was not responding.  

To your shock, Omi was sitting down on a couch with his face in his hands with soft sobs coming from his mouth and runny tears and snot coming from his eyes and nose. “Omi whats wrong?” you say loudly, alerting him,

“Y/N you look beautiful!” he says sniffling.

“Omi you were meant to say that at the alter, but now that your crying forget about the dress... what’s wrong?” you say sitting down next to him.

“I don’t know how to say this...” he starts, looking away from you  

“Say what? Omi look at me...” you say feeling anxious  

“We...We can’t get married today,” he says still with his eyes off you.

“What do you mean, we can’t get married.” you ask but you get no answer,

“Omi answer me,”

“Say something please!” you say turning his body so that he’s facing you, his eyes are all puffy and bloodshot from the crying and now tears are filling yours “What do you mean Omi,”

“Remember Ex’s name?” he says confusing you cause what did she have to do with anything.

“Yes I remember her, I remember vividly being the girl you cheated on her with after you claimed you were ‘breaking up with her’ so I had to tell her.” you scoff “so yes, I definitely remember Y/N, what about her?”

“We recently umm how can I say this,” he says struggling for words “reconnected... and I do truly miss her and she’s made me rethink some things, see some things...”

“And those things are?”

“I’ve always loved her, she’s always been my one. The one.” he says smiling a bit at the thought of her making you feel sick.

“But Omi what about us? What about the wedding that’s going to happen in less than an hour?”

“Im sorry Y/N I’ll tell everyone what has happened.”

“I don’t want you to do that, I want you to marry me.” you say desparetly “please Omi, why her? Why now..”

“It’s always been her, and you’ve known that.” he says standing up “The day you told her about our ONE NIGHT stand, was the day that I thought I couldn’t live on, but when you came and accepted the pathetic mess I was, I gladly dated you since I had nothing else to loose...but its been 4 years since then I'm a changed man and EX NAME is a changed girl, a forgiving girl and the spark we had wasn’t lost I guess...and Im happy now”

“But what about me?” you say crying “What about me? And my happiness, don’t I deserve that? Don’t I deserve to finally be happy.”  

“Y/N, you do deserve to be happy. But not with me, not at the stake of my own happiness, I wont allow it.���

“Omi bu-”

“God Y/N, don’t be so desperate!” he said agressively “Im sorry for stopping the wedding, I know your parents have put in alot of money in it and I will certainly pay them back... in due time of course.”

“You’re sorry for stopping the wedding?” you say angrily “Not sorry for stopping this relationship. Stopping the longlasting feelings ive felt for you since the day I met you?”

“Cut the crap Y/N, all we did was have one night stand.” he says rolling his eyes and unbuttoning his top botton of his shirt and loosening his tie I dont know why but this Is what guys do when theyre mad in the movies.

“Your such a liar Omi, you used to come into my work place everyday flirting with me talking about how much you wanted me, PINING AFTER ME, making me fall in love with you and not even telling me you had a girlfriend at the time.” you yell “and you summarise that all to me falling in love with you after one measly one night stand.”

“I don’t want to do this Y/N,” he says heading to the door “We’re finished. No more wedding. No marriage. And definitely don’t contact me after this. We’re through.” he slams the door behind him, leaving you alone and jilted in your wedding dress.

You get why he broke it off with you, and technically you do play a small part to blame. You were the one that told his girlfriend that you slept with him and then dated him afterwards, so I guess ‘how you get them, is how you lose them’ definitely works in this case.

Bokuto

The bokuto and L/N wedding was going to be a joyous occasion. Your soon to be husband told everybody he saw that he were to be wed with you, he couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Bokuto calm down, we’ll be married soon.” was what you always said, whenever he started his rambles to which he always replied “I know Y/N, I cant wait.”

When it came to your grand day, you were excited from the moment you woke up you were buzzing, wondering if Bokuto was feeling even a half of the feelings that you felt.  

You looked beautiful in your dress, anticipating the look on Bokuto’s face when he sees you at that alter. Your wedding party was already at the hotel you were getting married at whilst Bokuto’s got ready at the houe and decided to drive there.

So after you got ready, all you had to do is wait for Kuroo, one of Bokuto’s best men, to tell you when it’s time for you to walk down the aisle.  

You were impatient, your leg was shaking now you knew how Bokuto felt when he rambled on how excited he was for you to become Bokuto Y/N. You finally heard a knock on the door and you dashed to open it,

“Kuroo, thank god you’re here!” you exclaim giving him a hug “I’ve been waiting ages for you, lets go! Take me to my future husband.” You pull his arm practically trying to run and see your man before Kuroo pulls your arm halting you.

“Y/N...” he says shifting his eye sight from left to right “I think we should sit down for a minute.”

“Why? Is he not here yet, gosh he’s always been late to things” you joke “but fine we can sit for a minute or two.”

As you sat, Kuroo turns his body to you putting his hands on your knees with his eyes looking sad “Y/N. I don’t know how to say this but...” he gulps putting his head down “there’s been an accident.”

“Accident? What do you mean accident? What happened? Is everyone okay.” you ask a bit frantically, since it would sad for someone to be hurt on your wedding day.

“That’s the thing Y/N, Bokuto he..”  

“Bokuto what? He’s okay.. Right?” you ask staring at Kuroo “He’s fine right?”

“No he isnt,” he says

“What do you mean he isn’t what happened, where is he? I need to see him.” you say getting up before Kuroo pulls you back down.

“He isn’t anywhere... well anywhere for you to see him. There weren’t enough cars for us, well there were but one of them the engine wasn’t starting and it sound a bit dodgy. But Bokuto said, he insisted for us all to be there. I even offered to let him take my spot in the other cars, I did Y/N I really did, but he promised us that he’d be fine. He left a bit before he did, saying that if he had chance to wander around the hotel it may calm his nerves. But when we were driving, we saw this car all mangled up on the side of the road, it was his. I told him not to drive that car, I told him and he did and I-” he rambled with tears pooling in his eyes “Im sorry Y/N im really sorry.”

“But why why didn’t you call?”

“He told us not too, he said that he wanted you be to as happy as you could be on this day as he knew it wouldn’t end with you becoming his wife.”

“But the ambulance, you called an ambulance right?”

“He was D.O.A, Akaashi went with him since he knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to deliver the news to you.”

“Why? Why did he leave me? On our wedding day, it was supposed to be our day and now hes gone Kuroo hes gone.” you wail, but kuroo wraps his arms around you in a brotherly hug as he cries too.  

That’s how you spend your wedding night, crying in your friends arms over the loss of your ‘husband’ and his ‘brother.’

Bokuto’s funeral was the week after, and it was not an event you were excited for. It was a hard day to get through, but you did it with the help of Kuroo and Akaashi. You visit Bokuto every year on your wedding anniversary talking to your husband even though it always reminds you of the day that never came to be.

This is the wedding angst that is a gift from me to you sweetheart @teesumu you can totally block me after this cause girll I cried whilst writing it.

If you want a nice ending to the bokuto story to make you feel better read this

General taglist [bold can’t be tagged]: @sakuxxi, @iimoonii, @hamdehlesmis, @Shoyosupremacy, @iambashfulperson, @kayleighbeccaa, @dearkousei, @bakugouswh0r3, @xedspirits @borpcorp, @soft-angel-clouds, @foxxtrot-116 @Xogiaaa, @jesssobs, @apple-poptarts @galagcica @letssssus, @random-734, [join the taglist here]

Only Forever (Part 3)

Hi Guys!! The response to the second chapter made me so happy so I decided to make the third chapter extra long for you! Fourth part is almost done, hopefully posted tomorrow! Enjoy! Don’t forget to like/reblog and leave feedback so I know if you’re still enjoying the story! 

Their relationship had dwindled down rapidly. They went from never leaving each others sight to almost nothing as time passed. They had lost contact after the Dancing with the Stars was placed on a Hiatus. Something that they never thought, would happen-did. Val thought back to the Tour Bus Confessions Video that he filmed for the We Came to Dance Tour, when asked who he would keep in contact with in 30 years he said “Sharna”, and somehow after only three years they were no longer talking. They hadn’t had a falling out, everything was perfectly fine.

Now he was 34, Newly Divorced, with a 1 year old baby. He had married Jenna shortly after his Confidential Tour and the two had a baby almost instantly. As their marriage hit the two year mark it became more and more evident that they were not happy and weren’t going to get much happier, mutually they agreed it would be better for the both of them to part ways. He decided to not let the divorce get the best of him, he was going to raise his child as peaceful as possible and  He was going to  live his life the way he wanted to live it. Except he felt like something was missing-The love that once filled his heart, the love of the woman he loved in return for the love he gave her. It was the one thing that was missing.

Val walked through CVS trying to find the aisle for Men’s body spray. Once he found it, he turned down focusing his attention on the options and looking for the one he usually used. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he may have seen her. He turned his head looking to the right. He looked back to the spray. Sure that it was just his mind playing games on him and then he heard her chuckle. His heart stopped as he knew exactly who was in the next aisle. He turned and walked to the right slowly. He turned to his right and then peaked around the aisle to the right. He saw her and he could feel himself tense up. He took a deep breath and then turned walking into the aisle.

“Still loving those snacks, Huh Burgess?” He put his arms out as he smiled.

“Oh my god! Val!” Sharna dropped the bag of snap peas she was holding and ran to hug him. She pulled back resting her hands on either side of him. “How are you? Oh my god.” She pulled him back in for another hug.

He grasped her tightly, embracing in the moment. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Better now!” She released him and stepped back. “Look at you! It’s been a long time.”

“Too long.”

“How’s Jenna? And Jake?” Jenna and Sharna also grew apart when the show ended. They weren’t overly close but it still surprised her that someone she was once very close to, just went away.

He assumed she knew about the both of them from facebook and social media.

“Jenna and I actually split up.”

Sharna felt her heart thump and her stomach flutter when he said it.

“Oh I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok. We’re dealing and we’ve got a wonderful little boy who we adore. How about you? How’s everything going?”

“It’s going! Nothing too significant.” Sharna clicked her phone to check the time. “Listen, I actually have an appointment but I would really love to catch up with you. Are you free anytime for dinner?” “I’m free tonight.”

“Sounds perfect. Pick me up at 7?”

“Same place?” “You know it. Living the life!” Sharna laughed. The laugh he loved so much. He pulled her in for another hug before they separated.

After paying, he got into his car and smiled, taking a deep breath. He didn’t know what did, but something felt different and he loved it.

Later that night they were out at what used to be their favorite pub. They were 2 hours into their time together but it felt like they could sit there for ages.

“Yea, so that was a one and done thing.” She was in the middle of recounting a story of one of her past flings.”

“He really said that to you?”

“Yeah, he was a gigantic ass.” Sharna took a sip of her drink as she laughed.

“So you haven’t dated anyone?” He said in disbelief.

“Nope.” The awkward silence set upon them as they both knew it was because of what she told him that night at the bus. “Only Forever.” Repeated in her head. She cleared her throat and took a sip of water. “So tell me about you.”

“Well, Jenna and I became increasingly unhappy. I think it’s because we rushed into everything those years ago. It was just so intense, so fast.” Val fiddled around with his beer bottle.

“Sorry.”

“No, No. It’s good. I’m happy.”

“And Jake?”

“Jake’s great. He’s a little over two now so he talks a little bit. Best little guy ever tho! He can definitely make you laugh when you need it.”

“Maybe I can meet him sometime?”

“Of course you can.”

A moment of silence dawned on them and Sharna decided to break the ice, “Val?” “Mhm.” Val lifted his head to look at her.

“What happened to us?” “What do you mean?” “We used to be best friends. I used to be best friends with your sister-in-law and good friends with your wife. And then everything just fell apart. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Life got in the way.”

“Yeah it did.” Sharnas smile dropped.

“What matters though, is we’re back together now and we’re going to make the most of it.”

The next weeks flew by. Val worked at the studio, while Sharna continued to work on her website and clothing line. They had stayed in contact, talking everyday more than once a day. It was like they had never separated. A couple of nights ago, Val had taken Sharna to see Peta. The two screamed, and jumped up and down, and it seemed like everything was back to normal. Sharna had gone over to Val’s a couple of nights a week and they had eaten dinner and watched their favorite TV shows together. They also watched some of their favorite dances from dwts together.

It was now a month since they had reunited and Val decided it was the perfect time for Sharna to meet Jake. He had invited her over for dinner as he had Jake for the night before Jenna picked him up later on. Sharna arrived at 5, just as Val was finishing cooking dinner. He opened the door giving her a kiss on the cheek and threw the kitchen towel over his shoulder. “I’ll just go get him from his room.”

Sharna silently clapped. Val left and returned minutes after carrying the baby on his side. He had both his arms wrapped around Val’s neck and his head tucked into his shoulder. As they approached Sharna, he lifted his head.

“Jake, This is Daddy’s friend, Sharna. Can you say “Hi Sharna.”

The baby was silent.

“Say “Hi Sharna”

“Hi Sha”

Sharna laughed. “Close enough.” Sharna tickled his belly. “Your so cute. You know that? And you’re Daddy loves you very much.”

The baby reached his arms out for Sharna to take him.

“You want to hold him?”

“Are you sure?” “Of course.” Val carefully handed Jake to Sharna. Sharna bounced up and down as the baby smiled.

“He looks just like you.” Sharna called to Val, who was now in the kitchen.

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” Val laughed.

“It’s a very good thing.”

Jake pointed to one of his toys on the floor. “Ball!”

“You want to play?” Sharna looked back at Val. “Is it ok if he plays?” “Sure.”

Sharna sat down with the baby in her lap and handed him the ball. Val walked over carrying two glasses of wine. He handed one to Sharna. “You’re great with him.” “I love kids. Always have.”

“I know who to call when I need a babysitter.” Val teased. “Ok, he should nap before his mom comes to get him. She’ll be upset if I give him back when he’s tired.”

Sharna rolled her eyes and handed Jake to Val. “He’s yours too.”

“I know. Just sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.” Val carried the baby back to the nursery and then returned a few minutes after. “Shall we eat?”

He grabbed Sharna’s hand pulling her up off the floor. They ate the dinner that Val had cooked engaging in pleasant conversation and then moved to the couch to continue talking as they drank their wine. Val had the baby monitor attached to his back pocket. “So does it all seem real?” Sharna asked him as she pointed to the baby monitor.

“What? Having a kid?” “Yeah.”

“It took some getting used to but im adjusted now. It’s great. It’s like if something in my life goes wrong, he makes it ok. Cause I know he’ll be there.”

“That’s sweet.” Sharna swallowed and then asked what was on her mind, “So you don’t miss the romance at all?”

“Everyday. I miss the feeling of loving someone like that. It’ll happen again. Just have to wait”

“I want that so bad. It just seems like it won’t happen.”

“Any guy would be crazy not to want you.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. We have been together, ya know.”

Sharna hit him playfully and then looked at him as he looked at her. They could both feel the atmosphere and what was about to happen. Val looked from her eyes to her lips and she did the same to him. He leaned into her and as their lips were less than a centimeter apart there was an abrupt knocking on the door. Val’s shoulders dropped and he sighed. Sharna scrunched her nose and cleared her throat.

“Come on Val, I know you’re in there.” There was knocking again.

Val got up and walked to the door. He opened it and saw Jenna. “Hi.”

“You look flustered.” Jenna walked in and saw Sharna. “Sharna?! Oh my God! Hi!” She walked over and have her a hug, but then quickly noticed the atmosphere, Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was interrupted a date.” You could tell she got uncomfortable.

“You weren’t.”

“You weren’t” Sharna said in unison with Val.

“Sharna wanted to meet Jake so I invited her over.” “I didn’t even realize you guys were still talking.”

“We lost touch but we recently reconnected.”

“Oh.” Jenna stopped talking. “Well,I guess I’ll just take Jake then.”

Val walked into the nursery and returned with Jake and a little napsack. “He ate already and I changed his diaper not too long ago.”

“Ok. We’ll, I’ll see you later then. It was nice seeing you Sharna. We should get lunch and catch up one time.”

Sharna smiled as Jenna left. Val looked at Sharna. “Well, that was awkward.”

“I can tell.”

SIlence filled the room and Sharna spoke. “I should go. I have to be somewhere early in the morning.”

“Oh. Ok. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then?”

“Of course you will.” Sharna gave him a kiss on the cheek and then left. Val moved to the kitchen to begin cleaning when he heard a knock on the door. He went to get it and saw her standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry. I’m not letting you get away with it.” Sharna spoke to him. “With what?”

“I waited for you, like I said I would. It’s the least you could do.”

“What?”

“Kiss me, you ass!” Sharna yelled.

Val smiled and pulled her in his house. She stood on her tip toes and he craned his neck down to kiss her. The delicacy of the kiss made it all the more special. And for the first time in a long time, Val felt the missing piece of the puzzle fit perfectly into his heart.

So Mark's Fucked Up Dream #2 of 2017 finally happened 

warning for biggass fuckin spiders i guess

I woke up at noon and fell asleep and that's when we went to hell. I remember being in a lunch room at college and sitting at a small table to myself, went to get ice cream (I guess the bitch didn't like me cause she gave me half a paper cone full instead of the full size fuck you)  and came back and these guys were sitting near me.

I guess I had tumblr app on my phone n I guess this guy somehow saw my URL and when I got up and left to use the bathroom he messaged me something through Tumblr IM some kind of funny post that he thought I'd like

so then I was on a trip with all of my old Florida middle/high school friends years. for some reason we were going to this dangerous tourist place that someone recently got murdered at. I don't remember what happened but we were on a tour bus and I was sitting with N---- and once she asked if I'd go to the dentist with her next month. S--- and B----- were being idiots.

then flash forward and me and Tim were at my old old house in Florida after that. we were walking down the road and I was freaking out about how there was so much development now and when I lived there, there were only two houses including mine. I told him about how I had reconnected w some people and he liked Brandy's name. there was something to do with an obstacle course?? and the guy from before was with me--the one who messaged me on tumblr. I think I went to elementary/middle school with him now that I think on it. I remember telling him I couldn't do something that required squeezing through something because of my stomach fat and he tried to compliment me like oh you're not fat. regardless dude there was no way I was squeezing through that opening come on

and then something happened and flash forward and I'm falling through the air and land violently in the water

so I'm trying to swim back up to the surface and i realize I'm in the ocean. it's really bright because sun. I see a few giant ass squids and I'm like "oh yeah I have a quest to kill one of those" listen I don't even have armor I don't even have a weapon and then suddenly I'm being attacked

so I look up and there's a gigantic banana spider (thats a link to it, cw spider) that's like five times my size. it has me in it's foot. and suddenly we are propelling through the water. and there are like 10 more of them. and I get away and get tossed out of the water and I take a deep breath and try to??? grab a floating pedestal??? I miss of course and fall back into the water into the spiders grasp and it takes me over to a bunch of baby banana spiders in the water on a rock.

and then it drags me away at Mach 80 and there's sharks and I woke up

‘It was by journeying together that we got a deeper sense of the love and fellowship of Christ.’

A group of our curates recently visited the Holy Land on pilgrimage, along with Bishop Christopher. Here two of them reflect on their experiences:

Revd Jane Petrie - Springfield Church, Wallington

I have not tended to think of myself as ‘a pilgrimage sort of person’. Too low church for that; not tending to see my spirituality as linked much to a sense of place.

But when the opportunity arose to go to the Holy Land with a group of curates and diocesan staff, I signed up, feeling that this was somewhere every Christian should go at least once. I also suspected that it would exceed my expectations - probably in lots of unexpected and profound ways.

What might it mean to retrace Jesus’ steps, 2000 years hence? What might it mean to pray and read the Bible around many different sites mentioned in the gospels, to look out on vistas that Jesus would have known? Where might one find the risen Jesus amidst landscapes ancient and modern? 

For me, there were all sorts of ways in which the trip as a whole was a privilege, and then particular times when which I was struck in a new way or with particular force by Jesus’ life in these places. And, of course, struck by the larger political, religious and cultural context in this profoundly divided and contested land, which demands our attention and our prayer.

It was a huge privilege to visit sites like the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, constructed around Jesus’ tomb and the rock of Calvary. We were able to go into the large structure built around the tomb, as well as seeing elsewhere in the church an example of a tomb left in its natural state. It was a huge privilege to attend a very multi-lingual Eucharist at the Church of the Annunciation in Nazareth, on the Feast of the Annunciation itself. 

Other huge privileges, of which there were many: to walk down the Mount of Olives; to walk beside the Sea of Galilee; to stay at St George’s College and benefit from the scholarship and knowledge of our course leader, Mary June Nessler, college fellow, Della Wager Wells, and the dean of the college, Richard Sewell. And there was something really special too about doing so alongside 28 other curates and five diocesan staff, including the Bishop; being bonded by shared, intense experience - in classic field trip style - and privy to others’ sometimes very different responses to all we were seeing and doing.

The morning that we followed the Via Dolorosa was, for me, deeply moving: thirty-four pilgrims in the early morning sun, walking silently from station to station, taking it in turns to carry a large wooden cross through narrow, busy streets, and stopping to pray and sing a chorus together at each station. In one sense it was profoundly important that it was here in Jerusalem and nowhere else: God became a person, and set foot here, on this ground. In another sense our journey could have been anywhere, in relation to why it mattered and how we responded, and that was right also.

In lots of ways I was left feeling that contrast in relation to the pilgrimage more generally. The locations we visited varied hugely in terms of how verifiable they were, from Peter’s house at Capernaum (very well documented) to Zacchaeus’s sycamore tree (less so: Asian sycamores really do not live for 2000 years). But Israel is not a land preserved in aspic. It is a place where the intervening 2000 years have wrought many changes; where people live and work and countless Christians worship a God who is risen - and is not just in Jerusalem but is in every famous and forgotten corner of the world.

By turns, what we saw was fascinating, thought-provoking, (occasionally) mawkish, worship-inducing, surreal, unsettling and moving. I left with a multitude of mental snapshots, much better able to visualise the places that Jesus walked, thankful for the privilege of learning more about them, and grateful for my fellow pilgrims on the journey. I am sure that, in the coming months and years, I will continue to be struck afresh by new insights and reasons to worship, and for that - amongst many other things - I am grateful.

Revd Dr Steffan IM Mathias - St Mary the Virgin, Lewisham

I probably had a slightly different experience than many on this pilgrimage.  I’ve spent a lot of time in Israel studying, and have visited most of the places we went to – but I was in a very different place in my faith. I went to the holy sites out of interest, or maybe out of trying to reconnect with God, but not as a pilgrimage. Arriving this time I felt very fortunate to know about the long queues, the chaos in the churches, some of the history of the holy sites, and the tensions between communities.  And in a strange way this all set me up for what was to come, and a surprisingly profound encounter.

Because having arrived thinking I would be revisiting the same old places, being on pilgrimage was more intense than I could have ever expected.  Seeing the same streets and sites, but with a much deeper relationship with Christ, was at times overwhelming and enlightening.  Walking the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem, the Way of the Cross, on streets I had walked down many times before, something jumped out – this was how Jesus would have experienced it – not as a religious Disney Land but as the city he loved, the city he prayed for, the city that betrayed him.  

Sometimes questions of history and theology mixed in new and exciting ways.  Knowing beforehand about the doubts over whether the empty tomb in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre was Jesus real tomb, knowing the chaos and the queues, I would have thought visiting could have left me cold.  Instead, going into the empty tomb – perhaps any old empty tomb – struck with an intense sense that this was our tomb: that an empty tomb is what Jesus won for us through his empty tomb.  And so visiting it was as much about an experience of our communal resurrection, in a place hallowed by prayer and past pilgrims, all seeking the same experience of the paschal mystery.  

And all this came about, I think, from experiencing it all as a pilgrim, with a group.  The whole experience was contained in prayer.  We journeyed together, sharing our experiences, our emotions, our questions.  There was a sense of us all journeying together, despite our different traditions and backgrounds – held together wonderfully by Bishop Christopher.  But there was also plenty of nights in the bar, running jokes through the week, long bus journeys – not to mention falafels. There was the chance to make friends with curates from other year groups, who we don’t always get to mix with due to the demands of our training days.  There were new friendships, new insights, new stories made.  

On one of the last nights, by the sea of Galilee, a few of us did something quite un-pilgriamge-like – we went for a swim.  Laughing and joking in the sea in our swimming-cossies might seem a million miles from a pilgrimage.  But it’s one of my strongest memories, in part because it was by journeying together that we got a deeper sense of the love and fellowship of Christ – swimming in the water as he did with his friends 2000 years ago.  Jesus not as a theological idea, or a historical character, but one who was deeply human, who loved and laughed and struggled.  Who struggled all the way until the end, until the cross that stood on a hill, but who through his struggling won for us eternal life, salvation, and his friendship.  And this is what I will take away – and I think others – a greater connection with the Jesus of history; and through this our preaching and teaching will be enriched and strengthened.

We are delighted that in 2020 there is the opportunity to join a pilgrimage to the Holy Land being jointly organised by the Diocese of Southwark and the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Southwark.  The pilgrimage will be led by Bishop Paul Hendricks of the Roman Catholic Diocese and Bishop Christopher Chessun, supported by the deans of the two cathedrals, Andrew Nunn and Richard Hearn.

For more information, visit https://southwark.anglican.org/information/resources/#HLP20

@ my crush(er) A.H

I’ve been hurting, crying, and drowing in my thoughts. I reminisced on the great times we had during summer school p.e. Everything was a learning experience. I learned so much from being around you and having you in my life. You made me want to better myself. I remember after realizing that I was digging you I knew I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to eat healthier for you. I would try to enhance my features for you. I’d elevate my physique and all for you. Although you were so nice to me and would compliment me, I realized that behind your actions towards me was just a friendly motivated one. I read too deep into it. I interpreted everything so that’s it’d match how I felt about you. I projected my feelings onto you so that the whole thing would fall on hope to keep it going. I remember when I was with Taylor and Jenn at the quad talking about something during fall of 2015 and you came into the circle to talk to me. You told them that you needed to talk to me and I felt so special because you grabbed me by the arm and lead me out the circle just so that it’d be the both of us having a conversation. I remember that shy awkward smile you were giving me while asking me if I was gonna do cross country and I said yeah. I remember the excitement on your face. The tone of your body movements. You made me feel like a somebody. You made me feel capable. I’d always have you on my mind. Not sexually though. Your character and the way you just were was enough for me. Your beautiful mind and generous heart enchanted me. You believed in me. You hyped me up. You would always say hi to me whenever I’d pretend I didn’t see you during passing period. Was this always how you treated your guy friends? I felt honored to have you in my life. I remember taking a make-up test for Ms. D and I turned it into her. As i turned in my paper to her, you came in the door and greeted her. Then you told her how she should give me an A. After that you were complimenting me from my glasses, to my shirt, to my whole outfit and said how cool I looked. I was so awkward and was like “noooo” but with an awkward smile. I don’t know. Maybe I read too deep into your actions. Maybe I just have never met a guy that’d be so nice to me like you have to me. It was refreshing to see a guy interact with me so deeply like that. I will be honest, I joined cross country because I wanted to get fit and try something totally new but also because you told me to do it. You were the one that made me think “yeah I think I wanna do this” because I still wanted to be around that energy. I remember before the first cross country practice we passed by each other and I asked if you were going to practice and you were like “aww nahh man. Not today. But I’ll be going to the next one.“ I was kinda disappointed but I understood your decision. A few practices came and you still never showed up. I was filled with disappointment. Then finally you showed up to one practice and you acted like a stranger to me (or maybe you. Were just neevous around me and tried to conceal your feelings for me lmao 😭😭 I thought ahhaha). There I was hurt. It was weird cuz you’d treat me like I was a somebody sometimes then you’d treat me like you didn’t know me other times. As conflicted and frustrated I was trying to make sense of our whole relationship. Trying to understand you and my place in your life. I’d convince myself that it was no big deal. You were a straight guy just bein hella nice to me. Then track season came and I was excited to do hurdles. This time I did it for me (but kinda for you too cuz I didn’t wanna lose hope on a future with you in it 😭😭). But anyways on one bus ride to the practice you saw me sitting alone. But you just ignored me, no “hi” no “heyy man” nothing. I was questioning my worth to you. Then the next practice you were cheering me on on hurdles then we were talking about something and you started awkwardly laughing with that cute ass smile. Omg. Now you got me even more confused. But fast forward to senior year, I knew it was a new beginning. I was looking to forget bout you and build a new foundation within myself. I’ve “accepted” that you were not gonna be my bf. I’ve gotten through months not checking your Instagram on a daily basis. I thought I was healed. Then spring of 2017 came and it was college decision time. I got accepted into your school and some others. I was conflicted on whether i should choose sj or ucm. If I chose sj, I knew my feelings for you would rekindle and I’d look for hope again for the both of us. But while making my decision, it brought back all of those suppressed feelings. I tried to hide them again. I remember I unfollowed you prior to this dm on instagram. I dm’d you on how sj was and why you chose sj. Of course, you replied and gave me some good insight. Nothing more and nothing less. I was conflicted and frustrated again so I asked you some more questions yet I got the same tone in response. You had a girlfriend already at this point. Anyways, I had to think of my future too, so I chose ucm cuz I knew I’d be away from you. This was unhealthy for me to be so stuck on you and attached to your energy.

A couple months later, it was July 04, 2017. My brother’s girlfriend gave me the idea to throw a going away party. I was diggin the idea. Long story short. I was contemplating on inviting you or not but i ended up inviting you and you said “aww thank you so much man, I’ll definitely be there” or something along those lines. I was excited yet had doubts that you wouldn’t come. Fast-forward to my party day. After taking pictures with some people my bro opens the door and it’s you. YOU. My mind and heart could not process it. You, A.H. Came to my party (omfg 😭😭). So I give you that bro handshake and I tell you that they’re all in the backyard. I end up not walking you there cuz I’m nervous as fuck and I don’t wanna make it obvious that I got feelings for you. So I walked to the front door instead and went outside acting like it was for a purpose 😭. Then you started vibin and catching up with some old friends etc. omg. THEN Bodak yellow plays and I’m groovin to it and I see you groovin to it too. You start dancing towards me and reach for a bro shake. I come to you like a magnet and say “you know this song?l and you’re like “Bodak Yellow. Heck yeah man.” Then we start jammin to it. Then you start up a conversation with me. And my ears are all open and listening. BUT THEN my dad had to tap me on the shoulders and tell me to bring the box of pizza to the table for my other friends when they could just go inside and eat what they please. Anyways, I follow the order. And walk back out and you’re already talking to jamie L. So I give you your space and just go back to doin my thing.

After that party I cried so much about how blessed I was. I cried about 5-8 times on and off (even when I was brushing my teeth lmao). That was the highlight of my fuckin life deadass. So I start thinkin about all the ways you made me feel. Etc. i just had to let myself feel it all out. Make sense of it all. Try to accept what was and what is. I asked one of my favorite artists (and he responded. ILY Steve Lacy) about this and he gave me a some great insight on everything. I just had to connect all the dots and ask so many questions to the universe and myself. I’m a firm believer of “EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL BE.” I had to reconnect with my inner-self. And keep myself with myself. I did hurt. It was hard to sleep. It was hard to keep you off my mind. And it was hard to not feel. I had “not in that way” by Sam Smith on replay along with “Bad Religion” by Frank Ocean and other songs on replay because of all the overwhelming and frustrating feelings that I’ve been keeping suppressed. This is my only outlet (tumblr). I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone even my cousins (even though they tried so hard to get it out of me and open up about my struggles. IM GAy. There I said it. But I hate telling people because they just disregard all the baggage and deep pain you went through living with all the internal conflicts. It’s so heavy on me. I guess I hate how no one will understand my pain which is why I refuse to open up about my sexuality. Along with it comes so many misconceptions and negative assumptions that I just cannot deal with. Anyways, back to you A.H. I realized that I do love you even if we only talk here and there. Even if you don’t feel the same. I’ve learned to accept that you won’t be my bf. And I guess I’ve been holding onto you for so long because I relied so heavily on hope that things would eventually work out for us. It’s been two years. Ever since the summer of 2015 to today August 08, 2017. I realized that the Universe has been sending me signals to move on and to let go. And to understand that what is for me will come into my life. God knows what he’s doing and maybe you just weren’t the right guy for me even though I really wanted you to be. So yeah, even as I type this I have doubts. I worry that what if I’m just not trying hard enough and that you’re just struggling to let your feelings out for me and all of that. But then, I reexamined your instagram and our convos. You have all you need. You have a girlfriend, you have a wonderful family, and you have so many people who love you. You are happy and that is all that matters. I love you and I’m working to fall out of love with you for myself. It’s time for me to heal. And it’s time for me to invest in myself more and the people who truly love and care for me. I’ve been so lost because of my selfish motives. It was such a blessing to cross paths with you it truly was. You made me who I am today. I definitely learned so much about “love” and friendships. I learned about myself and the universe. You will always have a place in my heart, but we just were never meant to have something more than what I thought we should have. Maybe I’ll see you next lifetime? Hmm, who knows. The Lord is beyond amazing and I need to trust him/her more and build with him/her more. I love you A.H. This is me releasing all of my suppressed thoughts about you so that I can be one step closer to healing myself. You will do so many amazing things in life especially since you’re such a great soul. I’ll be here on the side cheering you on. ILY. And I’ll miss you.

Sincerely, PJPT 💛💧✨💜✨💗✨

Ep. #5: “TRICK ASS RAISIN” - Andrew

For this round, the game was One World and the players will allowed to talk to the members of the other tribe. The tribes competed in Crack the Code with the tribe with the lowest combined amount of guesses winning Immunity. Naicha lost for the second time in a row.  There was a lot of confusion throughout the day about who had what advantage with the members of Jinsei trying to influence the vote as well.  Matt decided to use his vote reveal on Drew seeing that Drew cast his vote against Matt instead of Allision like he said he would.  Matt went to Sam asking her to use the Haumaru idol for him stating that the votes were coming his way.  In a deal to still play the Haumaru on herself, Sam gave Matt the Sapphire Idol to use.  Sam and Matt tied the vote by voting for Allison and Josh to cancel out all 6 votes cast at tribal.  Only Drew and Connor were now eligible to be voted for and Drew was sent home in a 3-1 vote.

All I wanna say is fuck matt summers for inventing the jeopardy swap.... Luckily we won, but Sam is a big meat shield and it would be nice to have her around that way I'm not seen as a threat and the target is all on her. Thats why I'm contemplating abducting her which is a big move, but risky cause then i have to explain why I did it and how i found the amulet and i dont have the answers to that. I guess I'll see how this tribal goes. I'm really happy to reconnect with Jessy cause I think the two of us could do some mad damage in this game. I'm trying to get info now so hopefully that works. As for MJ, hes cool but I dont think he really tries if that makes any sense. Oh well, hopefully I can last longer since I'm right back to having no alliances again

*Playstation Trophy Sound* Got Past 13th Place

Can't wait to be fifth boot

i see you palawan twist i see you

miss sam getting the haumaru idol makes things complicated because i want to flip next tribal to work with mj but in order to do that i need lydia to come along. in the event we end up losing sam's gonna be asking what's happening because she needs to know how to use the idol. i'm no dummy and knows that she would want mj to go before anyone on this tribe so i can't tell her that we're voting scott/andrew out because i know she's close to scott, and if i tell her we're voting mj/jessy then flip to work with them, i've lied to sam and she won't trust me. god this idol really just came at the worst time possible. the best case scenario would be to win this round because i really can't deal with this idol getting played against me

So fuck all of this? Honestly the Solomon one world twist giving me all this tea is life but the tea burnt my tongue and I'm pissed the fuck off. Because I'm literally gonna be advantaged out again! So let's just run through all these supposed advantages: Sam - Sapphire Idol but like could be a Phoenix Idol? Idk Sam's a shady fuck and threw me under the bus to Scott to make him not trust me. "Just know they have a chat without you" IT WAS 9 MINUTES YOU TRICK ASS RAISIN (also has a regal idol? idfk but girl can go) Matt - Regular idol? Idk? Idk how him and Sam would both have a regular idol. Also a vote negator I guess. Wtf? Scott - Amulet Of Abduction that he didn't tell me about. Which ngl? Hurt? Like I thought he was my number 1 and yeah I was skeptical I was his ACTUAL number 1 but. He knew about the map since day 3. And now almost every space is gone and I just hate myself so thank you Scott! Like love him but highkey pissed at him rn because all of these people having the map for so long and everyone having all of these advantages has psyched me out :') Jessy - Obsidian Idol which is the only thing I'm not fully mad about. Except I guess everyone knows about it. But this could be good if we need to break a tie. But could also not work because we're in One World and people could transfer idols and shit to MJ/Lydia/Connah. So now I'm in this fun f3 with Scott and Jessy. Love Jessy. Am now skeptical of Scott. They both know Allison and I are hosting Hoenn on the side but like, I changed my name to Kyoto host hehe. Except everyone has probs noticed oops idc. All I know is that MJ, Lydia, Connah, and Sam are probs together. And I'm really pissed at Sam like? She had no reason to not wanna be with us. I just thought that the older players would be mature enough to not rely on past relationships but instead they're all Obligation Flocking™ and I'm like okay whatever that's fun. Can't blame them for taking the easy way out when at the beginning of this game I was so ready to unapologetically vote out Allison or Drew - 2 very close friends of mine. But hey maybe I'll give them some benefit of the doubt and they'll start backstabbing one another. If they do, I wanna be here for it.

Okay so, a lot of shit went down so I need to dive right into it. Not gonna lie I was really happy to see Sam make it out of there alive and that they voted out David, cause I was scared as to what would happen. And I was surprised to see David come for Sams life at the end of that. Her target is growing bigger and bigger with each passing moment, which is a huge concern to me. Now in the moment I thought I did the right thing by doing this, but I revealed to Sam that I have the Amulet of Abduction and told her I would use it on her if she was ever in danger. We decided not to use it this round, but to wait until the next cause she found the Harimau Idol, so she has to automatically play that this round. Jessy also approached me and revealed the map to me. I wasn't surprised she did this, but I was surprised that she wants to lead an army against Sam and her other allies. Which I'm happy I'm not the only one that realizes her threat status, however I don't think I'm in a position to really go after her. Like I feel like I could be like how Matt Summers was in Adversaries if I flip. Cause they have all of these advantages, and I don't want any of them to screw me over. Most importantly, I dont want to be the first person to be Sapphire Idoled out twice so I need to do my best to maneuver around all these advantages. So Jessy and I made an alliance with Andrew to potentially lead the resistance against these big threats and we agreed that one of them needs to go during premerge. I think I'm in a good position because I don't have like a big duo. In Maluku, my duos were Mattica and Maria and they made flipping to the favorites 10x easier. This time around I don't really have any strong significant allies, but I would rather be at the end with people like Jessy and Andrew over people like Sam and Lydia. I kinda just feel like I'm Sam and Lydia's secret lapdog just because they include me in somethings, but not everything. Like I don't appreciate how close they are with Connah/MJ/Matt Summers when all three of them don't ever converse with me unless I go an initiate the conversation. And if I'm going to align with people, I need to know that I can trust them. For now I'm gonna act like I'm with Sam/Lydia, but I dont see it lasting too long. If we lose they'll want to vote out either Jessy or Andrew and I don't want to see them go.

[18/06/2017, 11:12:22 AM] Josh: should i start calling you wonnor [18/06/2017, 11:12:26 AM] connor: no. [18/06/2017, 11:12:30 AM] Josh: just a 1 letter difference to winner tho :~) [18/06/2017, 11:12:43 AM] connor: uh [18/06/2017, 11:12:44 AM] connor: no [18/06/2017, 11:12:46 AM] connor: its two

For the past 7 days or so this game has been making me anxious and i'm not sure why! i dont like checking chats or even Skype. Yesterday I took a nap, woke up and saw a PM from Lydia and I'm like "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH right im playing TS". I dont know why i feel like this!!!!! This dosent happen at all. I've played too many games to know that. I suspect it's the one year gap between Gens and this one. The stress is 3 much 5 me. Anyways I needed to rant but here's game stuff now lol. Idk what to expect this coming round. I dont feel comfortable on Naicha. I have Connor, I know but I have a feeling is hiding something. I want to work with Sam because in the long term I want to work with Lydia and slide under the radar. I HOPE it's the Sri Lanka twist so everyone gets a fresh start but I might be taking for granted the position I have in Naicha. I do not like having control and not being in the loop. If we factor in everyone. It's an Old School feel on a New School game and I can't keep up with modern Tumblr Survivor. I'm gonna get eaten alive in this game. Wont be surprise if i go out premerge again lol

I love suffering

Honestly I'm just so happy we won because.... I can still hide in the background for a bit. I know if my tribe were to go to tribal, I would have to pick a side to work with. Do I go with Jessy/Andrew, or do I go with Lydia/Connah/MJ. And honestly if we lost I probably would have stuck with Jessy/Andrew because I really don't... trust MJ. Like he makes no effort to like talk to me, which I could reach out to him but idk its kinda awkward so I might do that tomorrow. But like I don't see why people expect me to work with people who I have no relationship with. As for Connah, I actually am starting to like him. He's been approaching me for once and we actually hold decent conversations which really caught me by surprise. Like I thought he was faking everything but turns out he's being legit. Which is good for the Sam/Lydia side of things, but I'm also starting to get the feeling that they are wary of me. I don't blame them because if they are suspicious they have every right to be. If it wasn't for Jessy dropping the T about them I probably would have been their goat. I'm thankful Jessy clued me in on what's really been going on just because now I have the chance to really impact this game. I just hope all of these advantages don't become the death of me. At least the Haumaru idol gets played this tribal so thank god.

i'm playing with a bunch of dummies

The plan right now is to have a 3-2-1 vote. 3 votes on Matt, 2 votes on whoever Sam and Matt vote, 1 vote Sam. This is to be safe in case Sam plays a Sapphire Idol, or Sam plays an idol on herself. People are concerned about Sam having a regular idol/haumaru idol so it's just a safety net in case those happen. I am not confident going into this tribal council at all. This is an important one and this sets the tone for merge. I'm prepared to get voted out as well.

This has been crazy, and i'm barely getting this in before tribal, so here's a summary: So Sam tells me her advtandage is a ruby idol but tells others that it is a saphire idol. The challenge was indiviudal so people thought it was the Palawan joint double tribal of doom twist. Josh, myself, Connor, and MJ made and alliance since we are starting to be seen as duos (Me/Josh and MJ/Connor). We lose the challenge and its a regular tribal. I called with Josh to figure out our approach to tribal, with three of us (ending up being myself, Drew, and Allison) voting Sam, Sam and Matt voting another (for Allison), and Josh voting alone for Matt. TBH it's scary but im glad its not my name being the second name, because there is more than likely a buy-back so even if an ally gets voted out, theres a high change they can and will come back. 3-2-1 ensures that if a saphire idol is played, which is probably what Sam has and lied to me about having a ruby idol, Matt goes home. If no idol gets played, Sam goes home. If a regular idol gets played on Matt and Sam plays the saphire idol, we revote. The only way shit hits the fan and allison goes home is Sam or Matt play an idol on Sam. To make sure the plan works tho, I had to take a page from Nick Wentworth and record some calls. I went on 8 calls today alone, and I recorded all of them. Will they be useful? We'll see. To make sure the 3-2-1 works, we had to make sure Sam and Matt vote one way. To do that, I worked a conversation on iMessage with Matt so that he thinks he came up with the idea of voting out Allison (or any one). I let him lead the conversation, saying that I was "ready to make a move" (true) and i was "over naicha" (no?) so that an alliance was made of me, Sam, Matt, and Drew as safety. I made fake receipts with Drew so they think the alliance is legit. So, in summary: I am literally in an alliance with everyone on this tribe.

When Sam tells u on call she wants to use the Sapphire Idol to save Matt Summers.... tbh I don't see that being a good move moving forward cause there's so many people she has to explain her reasoning's behind that too. I'm actually kinda hoping Matt  goes cause then it breaks up the big Sam/Lydia/Matt/MJ/Connah alliance that everyone is so worried about and it can ease me in this game knowing that I'm not too much on the bottom. Honestly Sam should just worry about saving herself and whatever happens to Matt happens to him. He got himself in that mess and it isn't Sam's responsibility to save him. Moving forward, I'm starting to think it's best that I just stick with Jinsei. While my tribe is filled with threatening people, Niacha seems to be pretty strong moving forward and with Jessy already on the outs I don't see how flipping to them would benefit me long term. But I do need to figure out how to work the A Dora Bowls (Me/Jessy/Andrew) in this game because honestly they're people I want to go to the end with.

mj and i this entire round

allison is so funny KLSJSLKSJKL me: MJ king of thinking this is a monarchy allison in my pms: Omg u dislike him too? BKLMSDFMKLSKLMSD i told her ass the Tea. We WORKING TOGETHER to get out these Jinsei hoes + Matt/MJ. jinsei minus a dora bowls at least People who won't vote me out: - MJ (possibly) - Andrew - Allison - Scott (possibly) - Josh - Connor - Drew (possibly) People who will vote me out: - Connah - Sam - Lydia - Matt (possibly)