#Stalker had to get their weird obsessive personality from somewhere XD | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thoughtsdying · 3 years

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People trying to force romance in kids and teenagers and frankly anyone is shit. I had weird ideas of romance as a preescolar bc of it. I said, legit, that four of the poor boys in my classroom were my “boyfriends”. Their opinion of course, was unnedeed.

What I mean, as I can disluce from my foggy memories of being 4, is that I thought having boyfriends was the proper to do thing as was having imaginary friends but that’s another story so I invented a list and choose the boys based in who liked to play pursue at recess.

My actual one male-friend (a quiet kid with no friends I remember) and two ones I thought were ok (funny to play with) + the one I saw as my rival for top grade (I have that obsession with rivals in anime from somewhere xd + he was cute).

When I arrived at primary school I did the same thing the first two years to three boys. One was left out of this twisted game quite easily, the other was my second friend in the new school (later out as gay) and thought I was crazy but awesome, so whatever and the third I gave trauma and stalker issues. Not seriously but like. He had to tell his mom to tell my mom to leave him alone bcs I didn’t listen to him. YIKES lil’me YIKES.

Bc we girls played at weddings in the recess, and when not marrying girls we dragged boys into our games. Various times he was the groom, kicking and screaming, literally. Then we both runned away bc they wanted us to kiss and kissing someone forcibly was gross for me even at 7, thank god, not so yikes lil’me.

Plus the feeling of us against the others the runs gave me were pretty dope. Thankfully my mom was a saint and explained quite well why it was wrong, plus that sometimes people are shy and prefer to be left alone with just subtle gestures no need to overwhelm them. Attract them to you. It was obviously a ploy to make me leave alone the poor boy that worked perfectly lmao

I didn't really like him; he was just intelligent and not a douche, kept to himself. (Do we see a pattern?) He was quite the friki at 12 the last time I saw him so personality-wise for a friend I had good instincts xD

We had a cool few talks in the travel of sixth grade (last year of primary) and at graduation which made me realise we could have been good friends if I hadn't been such a weirdo to him. I apologized and explained a bit of the mess, and he talked to me about his stress at the time, and then we talked about silly stuff.

Also, a weird time in fitfh grade when people thought a guy from the theatre and I were dating. To be fair he confessed to me, and we were friends. Later he told me that I had been his first girlfriend to which I told him no way, I had no idea, it didn’t count. WE WERE 11!!! LMAO

Then nothing. A weird aesthetic wanna be her friend thingy on a girl in 3rd of ESO at 14 which to date is the closest to a crush I've come. I think. From what other people describe. I didn’t dare be her friend. Plus we didn’t have many things in common. She was... normal. But really long pretty black hair. It completely disappeared towards the next year.

Two other cases of me building a weird fantasy in my head of a nebulous vaguely romantic friendship + some kiss but no sex or real attraction towards two guys, one a liminal friend in the bus home from hc at 16 and the other a case of I make vaguely dating gestures towards you bc wanna be friends and you cool. I swore off romance after that last disaster (disaster in my mind. I simply ghosted a potential friend and a friend who was his cousin).

I had a more serious almost something with a fem-friend but that's another history.

What I was getting into with young me embarrassing not-romantic history is that forcing romance caused these situations to happen and made me lose or break potential cool platonic friendships. I hated getting into them but some nebulous concept of obligation + fantasy made me fall for the illusions.

And primary school children and toddlers... gah. I know some people are like, but yeah romance and I remember my first crush/kiss etc. But I’m blank. It was all part of some grand joke everybody was playing. (big aro mood I think) I didn’t understand what like everyone was referring to.

I still don’t get the overcomplicated messes of teenage-me friends, nor YA-actual-me. I get people is stupid and delicate and we’re all unable to be sincere. But I’ve never lost my head so much. Dunno, I still want like superfriends with whom to be intimate and share things with. But a romantic partner??

。。。Maybe is my family culture? My mother separated from my father (may that asshole go to therapy one of these days) when I was 5 and since then has been in 2 relationships of 2-3 years each with a long separation in between. Her brother and sisters are also forever-bachelors, my only cousin only met his father once a few years ago.

My grandma divorced my grandad when she caught him with another woman, and told him after slapping him “she or me” and he said “both, this is what there is”, and she said “out of my house you aren’t making a fool of me” and yeah. With five children. Generational trauma, or just high standards? THE QUESTION OF MY LIFE LMAO

They’re quite happy even so, I like to think. But yeah.

#queerness #asexuality #aromanticism #personal #flooding the tags #looking for guidance #don't be assholes

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