Food, Friendship and Comfort

This fic is part of the @critter-genfic-events Bingo to fulfill the Comfort and Cooking slots. [Check my bingo card and other works here.] Set post-Campaign 2 and Mighty Nein Reunited. Read on AO3

Beauregard Lionett’s days as a Cobalt Soul Expositor are either dreary and dull with endless paperwork or exhausting with back-and-forth trips to Rexxentrum to track the Cerberus Assembly. Today is one of the latter days where she trades a warm, sunny Zadash for a gloomy and cold Rexxentrum. 

Beauregard scheduled to meet her friend Caleb for breakfast this morning, so as soon as she steps out of the teleportation circle connecting the Rexxentrum and Zadash archives, she speeds past the guardians and archivists without a word and exits the dimly lit library onto the bustling street of the capital of the Dwendalian Empire. The feeling is immediate as the cold hits her uncovered skin and makes her curse between her teeth. Beau doesn’t have time to linger, so she follows the familiar cobblestone streets, ignoring the people rushing to and from work, the colorful buildings, and the heavy presence of crown guards in the more seedy areas.

The cottage that appears when Beauregard turns on another crossroad is a sight that makes the corners of her lips curl and her skin tingle in anticipation of warmth. She should have known better by now and brought a warm jacket along. The two small planter boxes out front are still full of tall, green plants, possibly kept alive in the cold by some arcane means from the owner of the cottage, and as Beau approaches, she notices that it either has recently been harvested or is yet to produce green beans. 

Beau knocks at the rustic door, and where the motion would usually be followed by the sound of a chair scraping the wooden floor, it is now followed by silence. Weird. Caleb knew she was coming. Even if he is still in his arcane tower, he would have certainly set up alarms that would have triggered by now. Beau knocks again, louder this time, but still, no answer comes from the other side. She tries to peek in the side window through the small gap in the curtain but can’t see anything out of the ordinary. The house is intact, with no signs of a struggle (or worse, an attack). Beauregard doesn’t want to expend the single use of her sending stone yet, lest it be needed later. However, the cold is bothering her right now, so she does what any good friend would do if they suspected their friend might be up to something or in a difficult situation: she picks Caleb’s lock. What are the chances that he has arcane wards against thieves? Highly, Beau tells herself as the lockpick clicks. Too late now. However, the door opens with a creak, but nothing explodes in her face. Beau sighs in relief as she steps into the musty interior and relocks the door behind her.

“Caleb?” She calls out to the empty house. It’s cold inside. The hearth is full of ash, and there is a layer of dust on every surface as if someone hasn’t cleaned in weeks. Beau inspects every room, each darker and emptier than the one before until she finally reaches the back room where she knows Caleb often tutors children who didn’t get accepted to the academy. This room, too, is empty and dark. Dust covers the desks and chairs, a few pieces of old parchment are spread out, and empty and dry bottles of ink sit forgotten. At first glance, this would be an average room. Messy, yes, but ordinary. But Beauregard knows better. She knows what to look for and finds it in a corner, slightly obscured by a tall bookshelf, a shimmering door that leads into Caleb’s tower. 

Beau is welcomed by a lit fireplace in the study, a spectral Bengal cat rubbing at her legs, and a mess of Caleb lying on the soft, plush couch by the fire, reading a book about Dunemancy. He is alive but looks almost as bad as he did when they first met. Caleb’s shiny red hair is full of knots, although still in a ponytail, his beard is shaggy and unkempt, his clothes are wrinkly, and there are a few coffee stains on his shirt. Caleb is indeed a mess, which can only mean one thing.

“How long?” Beauregard asks in a harsh tone that means she will take no bullshit. Caleb lifts an eye from his book, finally acknowledging his friend’s presence, but he doesn’t reply. “Caleb, how long has it been?” Beau presses on. She strides confidently to where the man lies on the couch and effortlessly removes the book from his hold, closing it with a thud. Caleb stares at her for a moment, then finally greets her with the hoarse voice of someone who hasn’t spoken in days, “Hello to you too, Beauregard.”

Beau does quick math in her head. It hasn’t been that long since they last saw each other, perhaps two months, not even that long. She remembers Caleb saying then that he was waiting for a visit from Essek, but those were usually short and never resulted in a depressive mood like this. Something must have happened during their Xorhasian friend’s stay, and if the empty look in Caleb’s eyes is any indication of it, then Beau is determined to help and comfort him in any way she can.

“Clean up before I message Jester to tell her you smell and look like a hobo again. Just when she was starting to let it go away…” Beau threatens, scrunching her nose at him. Caleb nods and rises from his nest of pillows and blankets with the groan of someone whose joints are stiff from being in the same position for a long time. Beau shakes her head in displeasure and stares at the back of the man’s head as he lifts through the arcane elevator and disappears above the central iris.

Caleb meets Beauregard an hour later, freshly clean and bear-trimmed, in the dining room, where they plan their day over eggs, pancakes, and pocket bacon. Caleb doesn’t mention Essek, and Beau doesn’t ask questions about the state she found her Empire friend, so the only names said aloud are those of the Cerberus Assembly, particularly Ludinus Da’leth, who is up to no good. Caleb shares with Beau the detailed information he gathered since their last time together, information that cannot fit the 25 words of the sending spell they use for their daily reports. Beau is glad he took the official position at the Soltryce Academy, not for his proximity to the Assembly members, but for how much happier Caleb has been since he was allowed to teach and shape young minds.

When they separate hours later at the gates that lead up to the school, Caleb’s shoulders are lighter, and his smile brighter. Beau knows whatever happened is still lurking in the shadows, but she won’t pull unless he wants to push. So, before she turns her back to him and returns to the archives to fill out report after report, Beau throws her friend an invitation, “Why don’t you stop by later to have dinner with Yasha and me? She would love to see you.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Caleb says, but from the look in his eyes, Beau knows he will knock at her door with a bottle of wine and apple tarts. So be it. She waves him goodbye and leaves.

—   

Caleb is happy to find that Zadash isn’t as cold tonight as Rexxentrum. The smaller city’s lights are already sparkling against the dusky sky, and the aromas of food and burning wood fill the residential area around him. He knows he could have teleported directly to Beauregard and Yasha’s house, but he would hate to intrude on them, so Caleb teleported into a narrow alleyway not far from the center of town and strolled to their friends’ abode. The house is just as he remembers it. Not large, but cozy. The garden that Caduceus has been teaching Yasha how to care for is dormant as the first signs of winter approach, but the ivy growing up the front of the house is still there, larger and taller than the last time Caleb saw it. He stops at the iron gate, peering through the open curtains to see Yasha stirring a pot on the stove. He knows she has been learning how to cook from a neighbor, not always successful, according to Beau’s reviews in the few words they share about their day. Meanwhile, the tall Aasimar’s wife is just finishing setting the table for three people. How Beau knew Caleb would show up, he doesn’t know. Maybe she hoped? Perhaps she just… knew. Either way, Caleb is here now, crossing the iron gate, walking down the pebbled path towards the ivy-framed door, and knocking twice.

Beauregard opens the door with a smirk. She is wearing different clothes than Caleb saw her wear in the morning—more casual, comfortable clothes—her hair is still up in her signature bun, and she is still wearing some of her golden jewelry. The woman in front of him is not an Expositor of the Cobalt Soul anymore, but his friend from adventures that have been almost forgotten in time.

“Hello, Beauregard,” Caleb greets her sheepishly. Beau’s smirk gives room to a bright grin as she greets him back and steps away to let him in the house.

It’s a cozy, lived-in house (although a bit too messy for Caleb’s tastes) that smells of stew and sweets, where a small fireplace crackles in front of a comfy couch and a shaggy rug. The walls are adorned with art, paintings done by their tiefling friend of the Mighty Nein and their allies. Caleb’s favorite piece is definitely the large painting above the mantelpiece of their group of misfits, one that includes Mollymauk at one end, Kingsley at the other, and Essek smiling next to Caleb. Caleb has the same painting in his office in his small cottage (Jester painted one for everyone so they wouldn’t forget about them. So they could look upon it and smile, remember the memories of what they have been through, and soothe the sorrow of missing their friends).

“I’m glad you could join us, Caleb,” Yasha greets him, bending to give the man a bear hug. Beauregard must have told her wife the situation she found him in that morning because he sees compassion and comfort in Yasha’s eyes. Caleb merely nods and drapes his coat over the back of the couch. He produces a bottle of wine and a plate of apple tarts—not homemade today, though—that he kept in his private pocket dimension and hands it to Beau, who tuts at the wine label reprovingly but promptly uncorks it nonetheless. 

Dinner doesn’t take long to be served, and it’s not half-bad (a vegetable stew with harvests from Beau and Yasha’s garden with a side of rustic bread also made by the latter). The conversation flows nicely between the three, sometimes pausing to sip on wine or to change the subject. Caleb listens attentively to Yasha’s tales about their neighbor, Martina, who has been teaching her new recipes to use their produce (she was, apparently, the one who taught Yasha the stew recipe they are eating). The conversation changes again to Beau and Caleb’s work tracking the Assembly, and the three discuss and share theories about Ludinus’s plans. Through it all, no one mentions the name of their drow friend, the war criminal who has been running from both the Empire and the Dynasty, which makes Caleb relax. 

Essek doesn’t get the opportunity to visit often, and when he does, it’s in disguise, so Caleb has learned to cherish those fleeting moments. However, things seemed to have calmed down for a while, and Essek’s stay was extended to over a fortnight before chatter began, and the man departed again under the light of the moon. He hasn’t heard from his Xorhasian friend in weeks, which is not uncommon, but this separation has taken a harder hit on him. Beau clearly saw it that morning. She guessed from the state she found Caleb’s house in but didn’t ask, and neither did Yasha. Caleb knows the women will wait until he’s ready to share, and he’s thankful for that. He makes sure to give them a smile to convey his gratitude, and, in response, he is offered a place to stay overnight so he doesn’t have to return to his empty house and empty cold bed. Here, surrounded by two of his dearest friends, chatting happily about vegetables, fertilizer, and power-hungry mages, Caleb is still far from healed but on the mend, and the dark loneliness in his starts to vanish.

mighty nein reunited

One thing that interests me about where Caleb is emotionally in the twoshot is that while we haven’t got confirmation either way yet (I think), it’s entirely possible that this is before he goes with Essek to Aeor and destroys the T-Dock.

It’s definitely vague - Liam describes Caleb keeping in touch with Essek ‘the first six months to a year’, seemingly with the intention of going to Aeor with him in some point during that time. Matt doesn’t specify when exactly Essek leaves Vurmas, either. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that Liam was picturing the Aeor date trip happening something like six to twelve months after the end of Campaign 2.

If that’s the case, then there’s a good chance that Mighty Nein Reunited happens before that time. And that’s... really interesting. Because if that’s true, the Caleb who’s giving a lecture on Transmutation magic, and the why of how you use it, is a Caleb facing up to the idea that soon he’s going to have to make a decision about whether he’ll use that magic to save his parents. It’s a Caleb who’s really strongly considering the whys behind his desire to do that. It’s  a Caleb thinking hard about what his decision will be, and thinking about what will happen if he decides against it.

It’s a Caleb who is slowly, slowly, easing himself into the life he could have - as a teacher, the thing he always wanted to become. A Caleb who is perhaps starting to realise I can have a future, with my friends around me, shaping these bright young minds. And yet it’s a Caleb who hasn’t quite brought himself to take the teaching job yet - not for himself, not for Beau, who wants a man on the inside.

Because this is a Caleb who has not yet taken the decision to destroy the T-Dock, and as long as that’s the case, Caleb has not committed to this future he’s building. Because when Caleb destroys the Dock, he is forgiving himself. He is stepping away from that awful, aching desire to Undo the Bad Thing, because that’s the only way he can think of to exist after what he did. Destroying the ability to amend his past is  Caleb committing to his future.

It’s entirely possible that Caleb in the twoshot is still carrying a book of letters to his parents in his book holsters. Caleb has not quite yet opened himself to that grief yet, has not truly allowed himself to mourn Una and Leofric.

And it’s so wonderful to me to imagine that it’s after all this - after seeing Uk’otoa threaten again and seeing such clear evidence that happiness is hard, and complicated, and sometimes living still hurts, but your friends will pull together anyway to get you through it - that’s when he takes Essek to Aeor, and they turn towards the future. Caleb lets the grief in, and begins the long, slow, tricky journey of processing and mourning and healing.

And maybe after that, Caleb thinks about that teaching position and thinks, yes. I’m ready now.

Honestly, we can just consider this entire Fjord fighting Uk'otoa the snake fight portion of his grad school thesis defense.

I had this drawing to finish since the Mighty Nine reunion came out, and I've been missing my bois so much today that I just had to finish it 🧡💜

I am certain Liam O'Brian specifically chose green beans for Caleb's garden to personally piss me off cause theyre HARD AS FUCK TO DRAW 😭

My art insta <3

There are many jokes floating around the shadowgast nation about the nature of Caleb and Essek's relationship (eggplants and winky faces abound), and most of them are good natured and perhaps true (eventually or at some point). I find most of them entertaining and sweet, but some of what I have stumbled across post-reunion have highlighted that it's only a joke up to a certain point to me.

Please keep in mind that everything in this post is my opinion and my opinion only. I'm not asking that anyone agree with me. This post is mainly for me because I felt like I needed to make it.

I have seen several comments/posts/tags in many different places talking about Essek and Caleb and that scene in the reunion, and describing it as horny or saying they can't keep their hands off each other or following up that conversation with sexual intimacy. I know a lot of these comments or conversations are not malicious or ill-intentioned, and I understand that people are excited for the first new content in nearly 2 years.

But, one thing I have appreciated about Critical Role is the variety of sexuality and genders represented, including various asexual and aromantic identities. Essek is confirmed by Matt on Twitter to be demi (romantic or sexual is unclear to me so it could be taken as either. If anyone has any other sources I would greatly appreciate them). As someone who identifies as aspec, I deeply appreciate the representation that Critical Role has given me.

The shadowgast scene in the reunion was not sexual to me. It's only been six months since the end of c2, which granted, I have not completed yet. As of this writing, I am in the middle of episode 133. Whatever is going on between Caleb and Essek is still very new, especially for two people who thought they would never have love. An aspect of being demi is that it takes time and closenes and a strong emotional bond for romantic and/or sexual feelings to develop. Six months, to me, feels like an incredibly short time for those feelings to take root for Essek even if he is on the path of developing them.

Seeing people make light of Essek's sexual attraction or feelings for Caleb or treat them as common place or casual, even innocuously, has made me feel as though this aspect of Essek really is ignored or forgotten about sometimes. Not by everyone nor, I would even doubt, the majority. Maybe not intentionally or maliciously or maybe it's a lack of understanding about demisexuality or aspec identities.

This is a feeling I have had for a while, and I mean this about nothing in particular but rather a sum of the parts I have encountered over the months.

In addition, I think Essek's sexuality can be overshadowed by how sexual Caleb can be/is. He makes comments throughout the entirety of the campaign that directly or indirectly reveal his sexuality, and that part is clearly important to him, even if he has not acted on it in a very long time.

I am not saying that Essek is NOT sexually attracted to Caleb or that their relationship does not involve sex at some point or at the time of that scene. I do think, at the very least, that Caleb and Essek would have a conversation about it as some point, and I find it likely it would turn sexual. At the very least, Caleb is attracted to Essek. Liam has confirmed that. I would guess those feelings are a combination of romantic, sexual, platonic, etc.

But I cannot imagine, and again this is my opinion, that feeling sexual attraction or acting on it for the perhaps first or second, maybe third time, is not a life-altering moment for him, let alone acting on it. From what see of his character, he's extrmely gaurded, extremely lonely, extremely shameful. Showing his emotions and attraction to Caleb, or to anyone really, is an extreme show of trust and vulnerability, and I don't think it should be taken lightly.

Treating it, at least in those early months, as though it is common or casual, something taken for granted, feels, to me, as though it undermines the importance and gravity of Essek's feelings, whatever they may be. Further, it undermines aspec identities, relegating them to sidelines if it is even acknowledged at all. I feel as though a lot of the jokes ignore Essek's demisexuality and how integral it is to how he builds relationships and interacts with people.

As someone who is aspec, I find it disheartening to see these sort of jokes and offhand comments being circulated about a character who is confirmed, canon aspec whose identity centers on deep bonds that take time to develop. Applying sexual under/overtones to scene where a small chaste kiss and an innocent pet name are shared feels like, in a way, a forced sexualization of a new, developing relationship that may never turn sexual.

There is such little aspec representation in media, and Critical Role does a fantastic job of showcasing a variety of aspec identities which is so, so rare. To turn around and have the fandom ignore or disregard these identities (intentional or not) that the cast and crew work hard to incorporate feels bad. It makes me feel as though I still have to fight for my identity to be seen and understood by people who, theoretically, support and want to understand and respect various identities, who claim to love Essek and Caleb and their relationship. It hurts.

I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I and my sexuality belong in the queer community, that I deserve to have a voice, that I deserve to be respected and heard. With my feelings about Essek and his demisexuality, I didn't feel right standing by any longer and remaining silent when these portrayals were bothering me.

I am not asking anyone to change their opinions, to agree with me, to change the fic they write, the art they draw. The Critical Role fandom is beautiful and amazing and absolutely incredible. I have met so many kind, caring, wonderful people since joining. It's an experience unlike any other. But, I needed to make this post for me and anyone else who was feeling like me.

JESTER MASS HEAL AS A CRITICAL MOVE IN THE BATTLE sorry off my rocker again about Jester love and optimism as its own brand of offense and love that sunders enemies in half and boosts her friends in all forms and all the jokes about Jester THE cleric and clerics and healers not always being one and the same, but- Jester did heal, and she healed plenty through the campaign. But sometimes being a protector of the group needed the direct offense. It was, it is, always about- action economy and balancing what will protect her friends, what will save them, what will be enough.

Jester blowing the high level spell on healing, and it working. Beautifully.

It was always about protecting everyone with what she had and all its furious love, and this time, healing her friends was more than enough to rip the enemy apart.

Liam in the Might Nein Reunion Part 2 - Done with the ad bits 🤣

I noticed towards the end of the episode that Liam and Taliesin were dressed as complimentary opposites. 

(The fact that they’re in the same pose was an accident; I had to rush to get a good shot at the end but neither of them were moving out of this pose!)

Going back through the first half of the reunion and I’m truly losing my shit about how deeply awkward Caleb still is around Yeza. From his sheepish apology for effusively complimenting Veth the first time he and Yeza met, now more than a year later Caleb still shrinks as soon as he starts to taking to Yeza. He instantly hunches over and practically starts twiddling his thumbs, it’s a total demeanor shift! I could make a whole post about how much that says about the guilt he still feels for whisking Veth away, for the complicated and undefinable relationship they have with each other, for this other life and other family that Caleb represents for her… but I also just think it’s really fucking funny how small this extremely powerful wizard makes himself in the presence of the most unintimidating unthreatening man I’ve ever seen in my life.

When all you want are snuggles but all you keep getting are struggles

I had a vision while feeding Kiki today.

My personal indulgent wishlist entails only Sam insinuating or outright saying that Veth is pregnant sometime during the two-shot, because a) it would be very like Sam to pull that, given Vex in c1 post-canon content, and b) he would absolutely play it up as much as possible just to clown.

And c) it would be funny as fuck, as a recurring pattern.

Y'know, I don't actually think Taliesin is presenting Kingsley as more competent than Fjord, Kingsley is simply much more confident. (And in the reverse, Travis isn't presenting Fjord as less competent, just more self-doubting.) The difference between them is how they see themselves and how that affects how they work, and their views of themselves heavily filters how we're seeing them here.

The entire thing is that Fjord is suffering a massive crisis of confidence and is struggling under the weight of self-doubt. Jester remarks to him that he needs to be confident, Fjord is so paralyzed by a simple question that he desperately asks the answer from Melora (then freezes mid-attempt to interpret it), he second-guesses his correct assessment into an incorrect one, he nervously seeks constant assurance from someone else on whether an idea is a sensible or good one.

Fjord is trying to transition into a new period of his life, and it's slammed him with an incredible amount of imposter syndrome. It seems that the lack of clear end goals and sudden lack of structure is making this difficult. (We've all joked Fjord has ADHD, well, lmfao.) He is openly displaying the intense self-doubt he's experiencing, which in turn is not inspiring confidence in those around him, which viciously cycles. That pervasive self-doubt is actively disrupting his ability to do, well, literally anything. It's like trying to make your hands stop shaking, so now they shake worse, making you totally incapable of that simple task that you normally can manage, even excel at.

Kingsley is nothing but confidence. He probably has never had enough personal setback nor enough life experience to fear failure. He's even so confident that he razzes Caleb about teleporting off-target. A not insignificant chunk of Kingsley's commentary is simply nonconstructive criticism, nitpicking, telling Fjord to do something Fjord was about to do or already did, snark for the sake of looking clever, or missing that Fjord is debilitatingly dissociative—so it tends to sound more put together, and criticism is easy where doing is hard, possibly just all sound and fury as they say, remains to be seen. Kingsley is untested in the role but he talks fast and big, that much is true.

Taliesin has spoken about how he plays characters who think of themselves in relationship to the world in a very specific, very wrong-headed way, and that extends very much to Kingsley. I think Kingsley has the same problem that Percy did: he believes he is the smartest, most competent, most adult person in the room because he knows approximately four things and is incapable of being anything less than overconfident.

As far as it seems to me so far, the difference is that they are opposites in experience (Fjord sailed for many years, Kingsley for six months) that are inversely proportional to their current levels of confidence (Fjord lost confidence in his ability to make even minor decisions, Kingsley apparently does not doubt himself for any reason). It's a difference, as far as I can tell, specifically born of their perceptions of themselves, and whether that perception affects their ability to work, rather than objective assessment of their relative ability and potential.

We're largely seeing Kingsley and Fjord through the lenses of how they see themselves.

Fjord changing his mind about waiting to confess his feelings because he saw Jester lose 5 years of her life versus Fjord giving up the Cloven Crystal because he saw Jester fall unconscious.