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holodeck-enthusiast · 2 months

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The Night After

...

*after the episode "All Our Yesterdays"*

...

That night, for obvious reasons, Bones found it hard to sleep. Only 3 earth hours left to the beginning of the alpha shift. Bones had already taken a dose of melatonin and it's not working. He refused to fight the thoughts, and was thinking about that another extreme stressful day three of them have had. He embraced the physical and mental pain, something he's actually very good at.

...

Comm chimed, breaking the monotonous humming of the ship's environmental sound.

"Doctor, please accept my apologies for contacting you at this hour. I assume that you were asleep...and this not an emergency...I just.."

Bones noticed the prominent hesitation in Spock's voice. He almost never hesitates. What's got into him again?

"What is it Spock? You feeling unwell?"

"May I come your cabin, Doctor? I need to say something to you and it shouldn't take long"

Bones smiles. "Literally anytime you wish, Spock, you poi.."

He stopped and closed his eyes.

"Yes, of course!".

...

Bones sat up on his bed and commanded the room computer to put on a light. His room is next to Spock's. It took around 45 seconds till Spock came in.

"What is it Spock"

Spock came closer to Bones's bed. Took a small pause before standing straight with his arms behind.

"Doctor, I came here to formally apologise to you for my behaviours in the cave yesterday."

Bones let out a sigh of relief. He was genuinely concerned of it's a healthy emergency; Spock's assurance usually means nothing when his own health is concerned.

"You were clearly affected Spock! You weren't yourself"- Bones smiled.

"You were severaly unwell" Spock continued "I used extreme physical force TWICE, especially when, in reality, you were helping me..."

Bones definitely hadn't needed this apology, but he realised Spock needed to let it out. He didn't interrupt.

"... Although my psyche went back in time, which apparently I had no control over, I should have known best to adapt to the situation. I am ashamed that I failed to do that, and I thank you for taking the responsibility."

"Thank you, Spock. But then you should also recall that it is probably because of you I am alive right now..."

Spock maintained eye contact in silence.

"...see, Spock...it is not news to both of us that these strange new worlds always do strange new things to our minds. That's the part of it. I was never eager to join this mission and now I'm in it for this long..my life is here!.."

Bones stopped for a moment and stood up from his bed. He walked to Spock and stood face to face.

"Plus I do think I deserved a slap back there!" He laughed. "I always call you names. Never realised it could've affected you that much. This human characteristic is very, you know, common among friends. I forget the fact that you do not realise how close and unhinged I feel around Jim and you."

"You always are unhinged around everybody, doctor" Spock let out a microscopic smile.

Bones laughed finally. "Go to your bed, you..." Again he closed his mouth. He'd need to practice for god's sake!

"..pointy-eared Vulcan?... probably I do not like it because that's actually incorrect."

Bones went back to his bed tiredly. "How come?"

"Firstly, to my great sorrow, I am only a half-vulcan; secondly and most importantly, my ears have prominent curvatures here, it's not technically a 'point'."

Bones yelled "Dammit Spock! Just go to you cabin and let me die in peace for...what...2 and a half hours!"

"Good night, doctor.' Spock let out another microscopic smile and left the cabin.

...

Both of them slept like babies afterwards.

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gonedreaminggg · 5 months

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in response to @xerith-42 's post about shadow knights because the brain rot is so real.

all of these ideas come from @xerith-42 i just wanna give my take on some of them

I fully believe SKs run hot. the SKs that died and are now undead are made from fire. their new bodies are created from the lava and ash from the nether. And, with SKs like Laurance, who never died, they still had to go through a transformation. It's mentioned as extremely painful. One of the most painful things in the world is being burnt alive. Shadow Knights are one with the nether, and one with the fire and lava that engulf it.

Since Laurance isn't a full SK, I imagine him just completely forgetting to eat for days and passing out and scaring everyone. The malnutrition and lack of sleep don't actually affect his health, but he can definitely hit a stopping point.

I'm also imagining Aph asking Vylad what day it is and he says some shit like "December 14th" meanwhile its a blazing hot summer.

For the doll headcanons (from @adepressedgaydragon), all I can think about is heavy dissociation and the catatonia that can come with that. Sure, the ragdoll-esque episodes that SKs have are because the doll-like features come with being an SK, however its also because they are all so mentally unwell, and eventually they have to just shut down.

I do think that each Shadow Knight resembles a different kind of doll. Gene being porcelain makes so much sense. He is so chaotic compared to the other SKs we know, yet he seems so fragile. Especially with his temper.

I love Sasha being a wooden doll. I feel like she creaks when she walks.

I think all of the doll features progress the longer you are an SK. The progression stops once you answer the calling, but the symptoms don't get any better. If an SK decides to not answer the calling, they might fulling transform into a doll. It reminds me of Medusa, as well as the amulets that let Zane open the Irene dimension.

Laurance's symptoms took a while to kick in, and they still aren't that bad because he's a very new SK compared to the others we've met. He reminds me of a rag doll. He's very light on his feet, but he also seems really clumsy. Plus, with the disconnection that he can feel from his limbs, he trips over his feet alot.

I do think that Laurance has to let out his anger every now and again or he's going to literally explode. He'll never admit it, but there have been times where he's so close to hurting Aphmau. Then, he just has to leave and let out his anger. He's beginning to hate her. He still loves her, however since the calling has latched onto her, her presence makes him livid. Laurance is just not okay in the slightest. He's had no time to heal. He's a product of his environment, and it's been so chaotic.

I feel like Garroth is the only one who can truly see past Laurance's "condition." I think it's because he has such a one-track mind, in a good way. He sees past people's faults so easily, unless they are there just to cause harm. Garroth just sees Laurance as Laurance. He understands that being an SK is just part of being Laurance.

Being a Shadow Knight is all about balancing scales. There are two sides to everything. The calling being to kill the one you love. Dying yet being so alive. Having so much power, but being as vulnerable as a paper doll. When the scales are finally tipped is when Shadow Knights gain their immortality.

I honestly don't know if this makes any sense I'm quite literally shitting words atp

#my brain is actual mush rn #i could talk about this forever #aphblr #aphmau #aphmau mcd #laurance zvahl #aphmau minecraft diaries #minecraft diaries laurance #sasha mcd #gene mcd #vylad ro'meave #zenix mcd #shadow knights #shadow knight laurance

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sammysdewysensitiveeyes · 9 days

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I have now watched all three seasons of Hannibal and come to the conclusion that it is a very creative, well-made, well-acted show that just wasn't for me. Like I completely see why Tumblr was all over the show, you've got a deeply homoerotic relationship between an older, brilliant, sophisticated manipulative man (who just happens to kill and eat people), and a younger sopping wet kitten of a man who who is both mentally and physically unwell (for all those whump fans out there) and is awkward and loves dogs. It's practically a manga despite being a live-action American show. Plus all the blood and stabbing and betrayal, that's fun!

But it just didn't grab me, and I mostly finished it out of a combination of curiosity and routine and being a completionist. I think it's partially that I don't really like Hannibal as a character. Not just because he kills and eats people (I can totally appreciate a murderous character), but because I sometimes get annoyed with the impossibly brilliant, sophisticated character who knows everything and is good at everything. Because even extremely smart people have to take some time and effort to gain expertise or develop skills. So when does Hannibal find time to sleep while he's making beautiful sketches, playing the piano perfectly, learning everything there is to know about Italian language, history and culture, working as a practicing psychiatrist, cooking gourmet meals (of human meat), going to concerts, throwing dinner parties, charming and manipulating a few of his victims into extreme loyalty, and also killing people, disposing of whatever body parts he doesn't eat, and sometimes staging elaborate crime scenes that would require a crane and probably a crew of at least four people helping. I know it's not meant to be realistic, but after a certain point it crosses the line into silly for me. To be fair, it's not just Hannibal, I have issues with the brilliant "always five steps ahead" villain when their plan involves shit they couldn't have possibly known or planned for. Or the super-hero geniuses that are experts in every field rather than actually having some specialization. Do NOT give your 30-something year old character six PhDs, that shit takes time no matter how smart they are.

Despite that, even I loved the ending. Our two homoerotic "friends" team up to take out a serial killer and then collapse into each other's arms covered in both his blood and their own, and Hannibal says "This is what I always wanted for us," and then they fall into the sea together? Yes, perfect. Also, thank you, show, for not killing my precious Scott Thompson. I figured he was safe because as a lab tech he was never going into the actual dangerous scenarios, but you never know.

Can't say I regret watching the series, either. At least now I know what all the fuss was about.

#hannibal spoilers #just in case anyone reading this hasn't watched the show #I'm glad most of the female characters lived too #I liked them #and I liked Jack Crawford

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theizzizzy · 6 months

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The Wonderful World of Murder story lore: After the incident

After Maxilla loses herself to the voices in her head, she ends up in a really nice Mental hospital for awhile after her attempt on Sam’s life, she didn’t go to jail because he defended her in count since he’s a lawyer.

Sam convinced the court that she murdered 37 people (plus’s her Father, and 16 older bothers apparently) because she’s mentally unwell, of course he said it in a way that wouldn’t hurt Maxilla’s feelings . His love for her is pure, and unwavering, a true good boi, but in court he is vicious, but never in the emotional way, more-so in the “take this L of a DMCA i just got you” way.

During Maxilla’s time in the hospital, her mom decided to make contact with her via a surprise visit, and on that day the two most important people in Maxilla’s life got to meet each other, and talk.

Eventually Maxilla was well enough to return home, but she was given a therapist for further help. This therapist was Hugh Bliss, and after a few sessions he asked if she would feel better without the vices causing her unease. She said yes before she could think it through, and Hugh Bliss took her Greed, Sloth, Wrath, and Lust from her, and sent her home.

Sam became extremely angry at Hugh, and Maxilla, but he was angry at his wife for a completly different reason, as he didn’t know that she was willing to destroy herself for the feeling of happiness in bliss, even going so far as to getting rid of lust, and with it her genuine love.

Sam quickly set out to find the Vices with his wife in tow once Maxilla vaguely told him what had happened.

It didn’t take him long to find Lust, as she was waiting at the steps of the door, Lust quickly got up and gave Sam a kiss on the cheek. When Sam asked for Maxilla’s heart, Lust refused, and told Sam that she’s going to help him in dealing with the other vices before she gives him Maxilla’s heart. So he allowed Lust to follow as well him around as well. At one point he had to ask Lust to not get in the way as she was trying to hold onto his leg, she apologized and stopped

Greed was found in a small local casino, and it was the simplest to deal with, as Maxilla was never a greedy person, so all Sam had to do was pay Greed a tax before getting Maxilla’s left hand

Sloth was hard to track down since she was following Wrath around for awhile, but Sam eventually found her back at his house in a pile of laundry, quietly crying herself to sleep, having been abandoned at the house by wrath. When Sam asked Sloth why she was crying, she told him that she felt guilty for all the people she had murderd, and she hated herself for almost killing Sam. Sloth believed that they were better off getting killed in death row, than to keep living such a bleak life. Sam proceeded console Sloth wile Maxilla was in their room jumping on the bed

As Sam was tracking down Wrath, Maxilla became visibly distressed, when he asked her why she looked so tense, Lust explained how wrath was the strongest Vice, and how it became so powerful.

Maxilla had found her universe’s version of the Devil’s toybox when she was 16, and when she opened it it filled her head with the murderous voices she use to struggle with daily before she got the help she needed, these voices tied themselves to her Wrath, since she did not have a painless childhood. The voices had drove her to kill everyone in her family except for her mother, since she was the only person who genuinely loved her, and proceed to drive her to kill the 37 men and women she married.

Sam was thankful that he got her help instead of running after hearing that.

Once they found Wrath, Sam attempted to talk to it, and failed, almost getting shot in the process, to his surprise, Lust actually took care of Wrath. Lust talked to Wrath about how she could never truly bring herself to shooting anyone in the room (Sam, Maxilla and Lust), because even though wrath was war with a toybox of voices, Lust was an undying love that lasted beyond the silence of death. This got wrath to have an emotional breakdown and cry. Lust then proceeded to rip Maxilla’s hand off of Wrath, and then took out her heart Before she disappeared, Lust told Sam that he will never know just how much Maxilla truly loves him

Once Maxilla was all back together, Sam had a very serious talk with her. He told her about how he loves every part of her as a whole, Because he fell in love with her at her best, when the voices were a quiet whisper, when they weren’t overwhelming her mind. He loves every part of Maxilla, and she’s just not the woman he fell in love with without all the peices that make her, herself. he hated to know that Maxilla was willing to destroy herself like that, so when he was done having the serious talk, he looked at her, and saw that she was silently crying. He then gently offered to hug her without saying anything. Maxilla instantly buried her face into his chest and began to cry out loud as she hugged him.

With all the secrets out, their relationship had seemingly reached it’s peak, a sort of natural bliss in love. it was an amazing 2 years for them.

Here’s a single piece of bonus artwork

#sam and max freelance husbands #sam and max freelance police #sam and max au #sam and max fanart #sam and max #freelance police #Sam and max the wonderful world of murder

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d-parade · 7 months

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School shooters and mental health

warning: idk. just a warning.

i actually empathise with school shooters. this is actually one of the most extreme things ive ever said. i’ll explain.

i used to be in a very, very dark place. a twisted depression stemmed out of loneliness and hatred i had towards my environment. i struggled with work, had no friends to lean on, teachers disliked me, etc. when i tried to get help, i would get dismissed time and time again. when i suffered, no one helped me. i cannot stress how miserable i was, to the point it made me lose all logical thinking. the only way i could calm down temporarily from all the pain was by distracting myself with homicidal thoughts. and then i had a thought. that if i actually went through with it, i would stop suffering.

here’s part of a letter i wrote to myself.

i would describe it as an almost sort of delusion. something you have no control over yet believe to be true. you’re pushed to your edge, forced to think a certain way beyond your control. the only reason i didn’t go through with my thoughts is because of my parents, who i knew would be devastated. plus, no guns in my country. which is why i advocate for strict gun control.

think of it like an intrusive thought, except due to your vulnerable state of mind, it lingers and lingers till it fuses with your normal thoughts and thinking. at the end of the day, it’s still unwanted.

no shooter should be forgiven. BUT, they shouldn’t be called evil, apathetic, spat and shit on for showing regret for their actions and wanting to improve. while i believe if you take life away, your life should be taken by either life imprisonment (show genuine, delipidating remorse) or death sentence (somewhat little to no remorse).

what’s important is to access the persons mental state at that point in time. their actions are driven by delusion. it’s not even a choice to think logical, as everything seems logical to you. back then i wrote this:

which perfectly describes how i felt then. as you can see, it’s just brimming with hatred. while i could understand people had lives, the same thing just couldn’t apply to the people around me, leading me into viewing them the same way one would do with flies. it’s that sort of logic that you lose.

i’m rn in a better place. would i say this period of time represents me accurately? hell no. would i even consider that person, who felt that way, me? hell no.

the whole reason i wrote this is because of the immense backlash a creator on tiktok is reviving due to him admitting he was a school shooter. he mentioned working with law enforcement to better understand shooting cases, which i think is extremely good and applaudable.

the key to stopping school shootings is by understanding what exactly led someone taking the extreme action. sometimes, shooters and people who harm others aren’t evil, but mentally unwell and NEED help. you can tell this is true when the person has lived a good well life up until the shooting occured. the moment one repeats criminal offences, is when you know it’s more likely just lower empathy levels rather than poor mental health.

if someone had showed care to me back then, it would’ve prevented me from indulging so much in harmful thoughts. similarly, i believe that some shooters just need that helping hand in order to snap out of their delusion.

this is why i empathise with school shooters.

#mental health #i don’t really wanna tag this #sensitive #tw #cw #school shootings #school shooters

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tottymatsuno · 2 years

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I just wanna say despite all the jokes about Totty hating me it's 100% canon he is a (male)wife guy and my is equally in love with me.

#Open_mouth.exe #Someone: Can you tell me about your partner?#Todomatsu: Hmm.. He's kinda a shitty person and really hard to deal with and is moody and extremely mentally unwell. I've never met someone #T: who's so afraid of being alone and yet rejects kindness so strongly. He's also kinda annoying and quiet if you don't know him and he #T: never shuts up and just stares at me all the time and I know he's thinking and analyzing all of my behaviors so it's kinda creepy but at #T: the same time ik it's bc he really loves me so I don't hate being perceived as much as I should. I think sometimes it's a good thing tho #T: bc it brings us a level of understanding? If I don't have an easy way to articulate a feeling he tends to know how to say it. He also #T: reads in between the lines of our interactions so there's less drama and hostility plus he tries to teach me how to understand him too #T: and it's easier than I thought it'd be because he struggles with similar issues. A lot of people don't explain things that are supposed #T: be common sense but for me I don't get them so I ask questions and then people think I'm manipulative but Robin sees past that so we #T: communicate better than most couples. Plus I love hearing his voice talk! We talk about a lot of stuff bc hes so interesting and funny #T: and we always have a good time with each other. And he's so soft and squeezable and he's kinda helpless so I feel really reliable with #T: him around. We always are laughing and I really enjoy spending time with him because we have similar enough of opinions but not exactly #T: the same so its not boring. Plus we have common hobbies and he doesnt really mind all the weird stuff I like I can show you a pic of him #Someone: no its alright #Todomatsu: Look here he is!! Isnt he just the cutest person you've ever seen? I mean yeah he's fat and usually I dont go for that type but #T: there's something about him I guess? Like okay so he's fat but he's so cute I don't even care? Like I think if we break up I'll never #T: again about that sort of thing? It made me realize I was being shallow and he's so hot it's insane like you wouldn't believe -#Someone: Todomatsu I thought you said he was a difficult person?#Todomatsu: Yeah. He is.#Someone: But you don't really seem to mind.#Todomatsu: No why would I?#Someone: Well... The impression you gave earlier by saying all of those bad things made me think you didnt like him very much.#Todomatsu: No I'm obsessed with him to the point where I should probably seek professional help. He's my moon stars sun and sky.#Tottyra #<3 wifeguy

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reg-arcturus-black · 3 years

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Oooh the Stormy Saturdays one was so sweet—could you do a Remus x Plus sized reader too? I don’t have any real plot preferences, so do with it what you want hahahah

Hi! Thank you so much! ❤ The story line - at least for me lol - turned out to be better than what I expected. Hope you like it! 🌸💕

The One (Remus Lupin x Plus Sized Reader)

1.1k words

Mostly fluff.

Requests now open.

Masterlist

TW: Eating disorder

Your mouth tasted weird and your body felt weak. Not again. You groaned inwardly. You turned to your side and felt someone rubbing their thumb over the back of your hand.

Remus. You would have recognized his touch anywhere. But you didn't want him there. Didn't want him to see you like this. As if you weren't embarrassed already.

He brushed his lips to your knuckle and you blushed, hint of a smile on your face. "Morning, Sunshine," he said.

"You shouldn't be here," you said, not opening your eyes. "I am sure you must have better things to do than to sit with me."

He sighed and took your hand into his, intertwining your fingers. "You know there is no where else I'd rather be, my sweet."

You sighed, opening your eyes and found his hazel eyes looking at you full of love. His face broke out into a grin and you couldn't help but return it.

Things with Remus had been kind of... sudden. Well, at least the pining - as your friends called it - had been. You would steal glances from across the table, your cheeks turning red whenever your eyes made contact. Those glances turned into staring and you knew you were done for. Once, he had caught you staring and offered you a smile. You swore you had fainted mentally. He smiled at you in the hallways, in the library, during classes, in the common room and you always smiled back.

You even made small talk every once in a while. That could have been more if you wouldn't have been such a fumbling mess. The way his eyes turned lighter in the sunlight, the way his sandy brown hair stuck to his forehead due to sweat... Merlin! You were absolutely smitten.

It was after class one day when you saw him being pushed by his friends in your direction and you smiled and walked up to him. "Everything alright?" You had chuckled.

"Uh, yeah," he had said, glaring at his friends behind his shoulder. "I - I was wondering if you... you can say no, but um, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me..."

Your brain had stopped working at his words and before you knew it, you had said no and ran away without seeing his reaction. When you paused to breathe, you realized what you had done. You didn't know if you wanted to cry or laugh. You wanted to go back and apologize but you weren't sure if he would agree now. He had no reason to, anyway.

Why would he go out with someone like you? Someone who ate too much and it showed. He would leave you soon because of it. And you'd understand. He was absolutely gorgeous. But you had been waiting for this for a long time. So you had walked back upto him and apologised. That way, you would get to be with him for at least some time. You waited for him to get tired and leave. He didn't.

You had soon realized that there was so much more to him than beauty and wit. You knew how kind and caring he was but there were moments where it seemed like he hated himself. That is how you had discovered his secret. You always doubted but you wanted him to tell you at his own time. He told you one night how he thought he didn't deserve you and while trying to convince you so, he had blurted out he was a werewolf and how his scars were no ordinary accidents. You had pulled him into you, holding him as he cried. You had kissed each of his scars and then his lips, telling him you loved him. You were inseparable ever since. You had decided that you needed to be beautiful for him. He deserved better and you would be that for him.

You started exercising, taking the longer ways to classes, eating healthier and stopped junk, oily food. But before you even realized, you had stopped eating. It began gradually when you took less than required food at dinner, then lunch and then you stopped those meals. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and so you ate some of that, but it would be barely more than a morsel.

Whenever Remus would notice, you would say that you had eaten before and weren't hungry. He would seem unconvinced and tried to make you eat, but after a while, you would throw up. Every part of your body screamed for more, but you didn't give in. The only time you ever ate was on your dates with him, until that stopped, too.

You were weak with hunger. Extreme workout on almost no food was not a good thing. You had become cranky and irritable. So one day in the middle of the lesson, you fainted. And woke up in the hospital wing, with Remus' hand in yours.

"What's going on, sweetheart?" He asked.

"I was a bit unwell, that's all," you lied easily.

"Poppy told me it was because of weakness. You were not eating properly." He sighed.

Damn it. There was no point in hiding it now. "I just wanted to make myself better for you," you said softly.

He raised his brows.

"You are this absolute gorgeous person and I didn't want you looking bad because of me. So I was trying to get thinner." There. You had said it.

He was quiet for a while. "I - I cannot believe you think you are anything but perfect. I mean, look at me. I am - "

"But you're so amazing, Remus," you interrupted. "I have seen us together. I don't look good next to you. I -I just wanted to remove that disproportion," you voice broke.

He sighed deeply and cupped your face. "There is no disproprtion, y/n. I promise you. I have spent every single night thinking about how I got so lucky. You are so perfect thinking about it makes my heart physically hurt. Please don't do this to yourself. It has made you sick. I cannot see you like this."

You closed your eyes and leaned into his warm touch, a small tear rolling down. "I - don't know, Remus... but I know I love you," you said as he rubbed your cheek with his thumb.

"I love you so much, y/n." He breathed.

It took some time, but with his help, you started having your meals again. Your energy was back and so was your bubbly self.

It was in those moments you knew, that Remus was the one for you.

#harry potter #marauders fanfiction #marauders #marauders era fic #oneshot #remus lupin x reader one shot #Remus lupin #remus lupin x reader #moony #reader insert #remus lupin x reader fluff #remus lupin fluff #plus size reader #eating dosorder

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yumgrapejuice · 3 years

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An analysis on Ranboo’s lore playlist

okay y’all first of all, ranboo has a killer taste, i love him, and second, i couldn’t resist. i’m an analyst by nature. am i looking too deep into some things? did ranboo maybe choose some songs purely for the vibe? perhaps. do i care? no. let me have my fun.

I’m gonna drop my own analysis/interpretation based on these songs but feel free do use this yourself if you want!! And also feel free to disagree/correct me on anything!! I’m not a professional musical analyst lol and I did take some inspiration from already existing interpretations for the more lyrical songs.

here’s the playlist btw

“Introduction to the Snow”—introduction to the album. Fitting for the playlist’s beginning, seeing the tone. It’s mostly referencing (self-imposed) isolation.

“Dream Sweet in Sea Major”—this Miracle Music’s whole album is about dreams and reality, how they clash, loneliness and the wish to be close to someone, yet still remaining isolated. Very whimsical, metaphorical, melodic, and it has this vibe as if on the edge of consciousness. I’d say it fits quite well with c!Ranboo’s general vibe. This song in particular deals with sleepwalking(ha)/being in a dreamlike state, the line between what’s real and what’s not blurred.

“The Mind Electric”—oh this one fits Ranboo extremely well. First part is in reverse, the second in normal (mirroring), and it can get quite unsettling. Like you’re not sure what’s happening with the instrumentals, many different voices. Again, very metaphorical, but to put it shortly, the protagonist is being judged for a crime they’ve committed and, in their defence, they say: “Father, your honor, may I explain, my brain has claimed its glory over me; I’ve a good heart albeit insane”. They get “condemned to the infirmary” for that, where electric shock is used on them as a form of “therapy”. As a result, the protagonist loses grip on reality and themselves and truly does go insane. They beg for mercy and sympathy, but there’s no one to help them. “Someone help me; Understand what's going on inside my mind; Doctor I can't tell if I'm not me”—need I say more, really?

“Live and Let Die”—the phrase “live and let die” means to live your life how you wish and let others live how they wish without interfering. At first, you live by the phrase “live and let live”, meaning you have your ideals and you try to change the lives of others according to them, but as life progresses, you stop caring as much/try to distance yourself from others’ business.

“Turn the Lights Off”—dreams and nightmares. Mildly foreboding yet energetic. The actual meaning is about growing up (transition from childhood to adulthood), but we can take some other interpretations that’d fit with Ranboo’s character better. This Tally Hall’s album deals with differences, black and white, and how there shouldn’t be a divide between them. In this song, there are some noteworthy lines that I’d like to mention:

- “Bend the nightmare, you control it; Artful dodger, easy does it”—lucid dreaming, you have to be careful with it so as to not lose control.

- “Shut the closet, get under the covers”—you’re afraid of something and instead of facing it and seeing whether there even is something to be afraid of, you hide.

- “Turn the lights off”—confront your fears. It can also mean that in the dark, there’s no differences between people, going back to the album’s meaning.

- “And everybody wants to get evil tonight; But all good devils masquerade under the light”—this could mean that everyone has a darker part of themselves but those who actually indulge in their dark tendencies do so in plain sight by pretending to be someone else.

“Ruler of Everything”—the main theme here is time and how it’s the “ruler of everything”; time doesn’t matter about where it goes, and it will never stop. The second verse is most interesting to me—there are two singers, man and time, but for the sake of interpretation let’s just see it as two voices. One is obsessed about being liked, fitting in, constantly asking for reaffirmation (“Do you like how I walk? Do you like how I talk?”), while the second criticizes the first (“You practice your mannerisms into the wall”). They argue—”I’ve been you, I know you, your facade is scam; You know you’re making me cry, this is the way that I am”. The second is calling out the first for not being honest to himself. Tone is lighthearted but with an edge of unease.

“Merry-Go-Round of Life”—from Howl’s Moving Castle soundtrack. The title’s self-explanatory, I’d say.

“Killer Queen”—this one’s a harder one to interpret in regards to Ranboo lol. The song is about, based on an interview with Mercury, a high class woman that likes to indulge in her various desires (mostly sexual). I would doubt that’s what Ranboo was going for, so! Perhaps about a person that has no regards for their reputation and instead does whatever they feel like it? They have a certain image but still act however they like. Yeah, not too sure about this one :’) But that’s what I’ll go with for my later analysis.

“Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked”—quite straightforward. A person that performs bad deeds has reasons for them. Not excuses, but explanations, and you can sympathize with it. We all do “bad” things for one reason or the other, and, in the end, we’re all just trying to get by. Once again, plays into the theme of there not being a clear distinction between good and bad.

“The Bidding”—another harder one to interpret. On the surface, it’s about an auction where men are trying to sell themselves to women. They all present themselves in different images, and it’s remarked that the women care less about the date and more about the prospect of it, the pretty words. The date, actually, ends up being disappointing. Could be about expectations. Some men outright admit they’re assholes so whoever chooses them should know that. People can tell you what their intentions are from the start so if you end up hurt, you have no one else to blame but yourself.

“A Mask of My Own Face”—another interesting one! Unusual instruments, strong beat. They’re singing about how they have a desire to pretend to be someone else while secretly still being themselves. “I’d rob my own apartment and I wouldn’t give a damn; I’d blame it on the person that nobody knows I am”—implying they have no regard for their own livelihood and are just out to have some fun. Plus, that no one would be aware it’s all an act. “I'd wear it on Thanksgiving and I'd laugh in the parade; At all the people hissing, knowing I'm the one they hate”—they take delight in the idea of upsetting others and them not knowing it’s actually the singer that they should be hissing. “And at the big finale I would tear my face away; And smile as they grip their own and try to do the same”—everyone wears masks, and this person implies that their mask and their true self is not different from each other while others’ are.

“Stardust Crusaders”—soundtrack from Jojo. Action-packed? idk never seen it sorry lol

“I Can’t Decide”—oh, this one’s a doozy! One of the ones that do not fit c!Ranboo at all, but that’s what makes it interesting. A classic, the singer is out to have fun, very lighthearted and yet they’re singing about murder. The protagonist here is clearly mentally unwell and they’re indecisive whether they should let their enemy/toy/(up to interpretation) live or not. Some curious lines:

- “It’s not easy having yourself a good time”—in the context of the song, that “good time” implies something wicked.

- “I’m not a gangster tonight, don’t wanna be the bad guy, I’m just a loner, baby, and now you’ve got in my way”—they don’t view themselves as “bad”, however, the next two lines are paradoxal—the singer says they’re alone and yet decide to “mess around” with whoever comes up in their life.

- “No wonder why my heart feels dead inside, it’s hard and cold and petrified”—signifying lack of empathy.

- “It’s a bitch convincing people to like you”—they don’t actually want to do that and see it as a bother.

“Stranded Lullaby”—back to Miracle Musical, back to the theme of isolation. Super lyrical, super musical. They talk about how their memories float around aimlessly in their head, a sea, and may sometimes get lost. The protagonist, a sailor, is losing touch with reality and can’t tell apart what’s a dream anymore and what’s not. They question what they’re going through and why.

“Hidden In The Sand”—a song about longing, in my eyes. The protagonist sings about how “you” love things and how he wishes to love the same things, in the end admitting that “all I’ve wanted was you”. They don’t wish to be separated, they wish to have someone in their life that they could love.

“Now I’m Here”—euphoric. They sing about how they’re alive again, thanks to one specific person. I’m not gonna go too much into this one (partly because it’s a more difficult one for me again, partly because it’s Queen and I don’t wanna uhh talk nonsense on accident lol), but what I got from it is that when one one else saw them, someone did, and they made them “live again”, and now as a result the protagonist is devoted to them.

“&”—really highlights Tally Hall’s album’s theme of black and white and that there shouldn’t be a divide. The repetition of comparing opposites is present throughout the entire song (Weak & Strong & Wet & Dry…) and it’s heavily implied we should “say goodnight” to this mindset. But people love to choose sides, put things into good or bad categories. By the line “They took a lesson from their fathers” it’s implied that people don’t develop this mindset by themselves and are rather influenced by others around them. The whole album is titled “Good & Evil” and Tally Hall examines and criticizes this idea. If we keep dividing people into good and bad, eventually, we’ll all destroy ourselves.

“I’m Gonna Win”—a song about someone who’s struggling to get by. “Sometimes it can seem like a merciless dream”—life can get really hard and the protagonist wonders “what’s really worthwhile”. In the chorus, whoever, they declare that they’re “gonna win” no matter what. They might get “bloody and bruised” but they won’t give up until they “won’t be abused” and until they’re “laughing alone”. No matter how hard life/others kick them down, they’ll keep going. By the lines “It’s hard to be charming and smart and disarming; It’s hard to pretend you’re the best; It’s hard to fulfill everyone’s expectations; It’s hard to keep up with the rest” it’s implied that they find it tiresome to keep up appearances and be liked. It’s challenging to always fit everyone’s expectations, but they’ll continue doing whatever they have to to “win”.

if ranboo ever adds more songs to his playlist, i may add them here too :)

#dsmp #ranboo #dream smp analysis #ranboo analysis #song analysis #my analysis #ranboo ily ur taste is amazing brrr #this was a lot of fun but took so long rip #i knew like 90% of these lol

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heartshattering · 3 years

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/// Vent under the "keep reading" (nothing that bad but I'm just feeling very stressed and frustrated and want to rant)

I feel like this makes me sound like an incredibly selfish person but I really hate how demanding my mom gets when her health becomes more of a focal point than usual. Tomorrow, my mom is going to the hospital for a medical procedure. Today during the daytime things went okay (I made coffee and breakfast, helped her figure out her telehealth call, took notes for her, helped her ask questions, etc.) and it didn't seem like she was in that bad of a mood or anything.

Then, my dad had to leave for work... this is the part where my mom gets angry.

So, my dad is working in-person, but it sounds like most of his co-workers are able to get away with still working remotely. However, my dad has always been more of a traditional type of person (when he was made to use Zoom during his job last year, he hated it and I'm actually surprised he even learned how to use it since he was so resistant at first). I also feel like he uses his job as a way to get a break from the house, because taking care of my mom and grandma (mom's mom) gets really demanding... actually, my parents do not get along very well...

Anyway. My dad left for work and different things started to bother my mom. First off, she found out that he's going to his job even though his co-workers are not, and apparently he had lied to her about that before (I didn't know that), so she got really mad. Then, my grandma started acting out (wetting herself, getting her clothes dirty, spilling things, not cooperating, etc.) which was very draining to deal with. After things settled down a bit I ended up dozing off (I was also dealing with bad headaches ever since I woke up, and the medicine for it makes me drowsy sometimes). So I fell asleep in my grandma's room until my dad came home.

Since he's returned my mom has been ignoring him completely, and acting extremely demanding and passive-aggressive... things like asking for stuff every few minutes, complaining about random things I didn't fully understand (like... basically complaining for the sake of complaining where it's like "I don't know why that's getting her mad, and I don't know how to help her with it, but she seems to want people to know how to do something about it anyway without explaining"). Yup, you can just imagine how much my ADHD brain loves that (/sarcasm). Anyway. So she keeps demanding stuff and then if my dad offers to help before me, she completely ignores him (silent treatment). Like one example I can think of is that she wanted something, and said it loudly enough for both me and my dad to hear, but when my dad asked her more details about what she wanted, she snubbed him, which really means she wanted me to do it, since she's still extremely pissed at my dad, but wanted to make a huge dramatic show out of ignoring him/acting annoyed towards him. And then he just curses at her/calls her names when she's not in hearing range.

I just fucking hate the way they can't talk their issues out like adults and play stupid games like this instead??? And then I get caught in the middle of all this and I just. Do not know what to do. And I find myself being annoyed at both of them (because yeah, my dad probably should communicate more with my mom) but like I said my mom has to act SO pity-grabbing and then reject people's help and it's annoying and immature as fuck. Like. I can't even concentrate on doing anything because my mood feels like it's been rattled (there's just this annoying tension throughout in the house plus she was slamming things earlier which was making me feel even more overstimulated).

I feel mentally/physically tired and unwell but also revved up at the same time. I feel upset and kind of like crying even though it doesn't make any sense? I feel like it's the type of crying that comes from frustration/annoyance more than sadness. And I know it's going to be extremely annoying when my mom comes back from the hospital even though it's not her fault but I already feel overworked, having to take care of my grandma, and being in my last week of classes for the term and putting my final projects together, and it just feels like I never get any time for myself and that any time I think I'm dealing with anxiety better, something has to turn things upside down and I'm just back to "I don't know what to do right now" mode. I want to do everything, I want to do nothing, I don't know anymore how I feel. I'm just tired.

#vent #venting #trying so hard to keep a breakdown from happening but God do my parents make it hard...

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subaruthegamer · 3 years

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About My OCs (Colby and Jack)

This is my fantasy, so bear with me here.

Colby Roberts

“Colby... I can’t do this...” - me, a few weeks after we have an argument

“I still want you anyway... because I’m madly in love with you...” - Colby

For those who don’t know, Colby is Jack’s son, so if you wonder where he gets those looks from, here’s my answer.

Colby was born to a extremely wealthy heiress, who’s father was practically unknown because, he just vanished off the face of the earth, and since he was born to a wealthy family, it didn’t take long before he starting falling into the wrong crowd... with his drug habits starting to catch up at his adult years. His drug habit, oddly enough, didn’t affect him as much as the doctors thought - because they were thinking, surely, he’d have either died from an overdose, or somehow turned into a vegetable. But yet, that didn’t happen. And there was nothing conclusive with his bloodwork. Since he was filed on charges, they gave him two options (which, as far as I can tell, seem to be the mother’s choices) - either rot in prison for possession, or go into the military.

You can pretty much tell which option he went for.

Colby enlisted at the military, which at 18... he had plenty of time to start shaping his body - and he was a genius too. His scores were practically almost record breaking - considering the record was from 16 years ago! Colby is an expert tactician, and when you added hand-to-hand combat training plus all the muscle he gained from training... he was practically a Spartan.

During his time, he met Randy when, by chance, he was a captain - and Randal was a second lieutenant. In fact, Colby and Randal felt something between them. In fact, at one point, Colby once told me that if you put him and Randal in a room all alone at some point during the night, you might be able to hear Randy’s pleasuring at taking Colby on. However, it wasn’t just at a relationship level - they really were an unstoppable force.

Rather disappointingly, Colby resigned from the military after serving 8 years - and ended up heading back to Riverview... and somehow, relapsing again.

A year later, Colby ended up in my care as I was his sober companion after his relapse, and to be honest, when I met the guy, he was honestly more intimidating than I ever imagined. Sort of like the Hulk, but scaled down, and human.

To be completely honest, the first 2 weeks, he had been avoiding me since he insisted he didn’t need my help - but I stayed - because I wanted to get him to open up about himself. But - when you live with a 230+ lb man, you’d kind of want to stay out of his way when he simply won’t budge. Didn’t stop me from trying though. Sure enough, I gradually got him to be able to quietly strum his six-string guitar on the occasional night.

Our relationship took a little bit of an unexpected leap, because one night, Colby was invited to the family dinner, and this being a part where the father walked out on him... it lead to them being quite verbally abusive to him about it. Of course, we walked out and headed home with them still being pretty abusive... and hearing his mental health shattering into a million pieces. By that time though, I’d been his companion for what was stipulated, but because I didn’t want to leave him in that state, tried to renew the contract.

The lawyer said... no. So I ended up lying much to the bemusement of my therapist.

I was wondering if I was going to get away with it when I still accompanied him to his musical composition job (guitars and pianos are his favourite) but I had to remind him at the end of the day that I still was his sober companion.

“Like hell you are.” Colby shouted. “You sure as hell haven’t been for at least a few weeks.” Much to my shock, I thought I had had it for a moment.

A sigh came from him shortly after. “I knew you lied when I called her lawyer the next day after you said he had extended the contract.”

I tried to figure out what I was going to say next. “Colby, I...”

“I’m not angry over this.” Colby inched forward towards me to corner me between him and a wall. “I’m actually quite touched... since you saw the state that I was in after that... so for a while after that I adopted a more... aggressive mood.”

I was actually frozen stiff because he had cornered me between him and the wall with both bulging arms at the side of me.

“Until I found out you had been lying last week, I started to pull you along a little to see if you would realise that I was fine and moved on... but instead... you stayed. Didn’t occur to me that at the same time you were also having feelings for me... and I was still in denial until I gave into your feelings...”

Colby gradually moved his left hand off the wall and started feeling my back down.

“So... I want to offer you something... you stay with me... and we’ll see where our feelings for each other go... sound good?” Colby whispered.

At this point, I could hardly control myself, and Colby knew I was begging to be given the treatment that I’ve sorely needed. I was still gay at that time, but my love life had gone nowhere... and I was fidgeting a little because this was practically a dream come true for me.

“I’ll take that as a yes...” Colby later leaned in and gave me a rather sloppy lick on my face. And the next thing I knew he had leaned even closer to start making out with me.

“Why did you think I was this aggressive with you... you are so damn cute...”

After work, we gradually continued to have feelings for each other much to the disgust from my classmates with that lick.

So, we dated, we laughed, we cuddled, we had our idea of hunter and prey... which I have to say, was one of the very sexual relieving moments we’ve had together. When that happened, Colby flew up the ladder to being a hit movie director, and I wasn’t trailing far behind with my (slightly stalled) career in journalism as I was being promoted, and transferred to Lucky Palms.

Sounds perfect, you might think. Actually, in a way, it wasn’t. Because Randy showed up asking for Colby. More on that in his side of the story.

Jack Winter

“I wasn’t expecting myself to be this... swept away with you.” - Jack, slowly leaning into me for a spot where he has the advantage on me

“Yet... here you are, wanting me as much as everyone else we know.” - me, trying to find a way for him to stop but realising I’m going to be doomed

With Jack, complications turn into one story, so trying to analyse him is almost easier said than done - simply because: he’s a pure-bred demon.

How demons work in my world, is that demons are in a world separate to ours - they have their own world much like fantasies. How they go into human bodies is through the sort of capsule that is a remote link to a human body. Some demons don’t use the bodies at all because they’re more nature demons, but the human demons - those are a different story. Jack is the latter, and one of the more emotionally manipulative kind. It works like this: he takes a body - steps on anyone’s toes and makes them make terrible decisions or suffer a embarrassing (but not fatal - he’s not that cruel) fate. All targets are random, so one day, a wealthy bachelor might suffer an a problem one day, and then the next, it could be someone like me.

When Jack just “appeared” (what Randy and I joke about how he was created), he was one hell of a rollercoaster to deal with - he was having a hellva lot of fun slowly manipulating people into doing stuff they couldn’t realise. A hell of a time for him, after all, with all the powers he had access to, the fun was going to keep rolling like a Bugatti Chiron with an endless supply of fuel. You wouldn’t run out of it, you’d keep going.

That changed when Jack met Colby’s mother - when Jack was about to ensnare his powers on her, for some reason, she fell in love with her. Why that happened, we may never know, but the next morning, she saw a gorgeous hunk of a man sitting at her desk - which took some explaining on Jack’s part (that old charmer) to what was going on. Thankfully, she decided to not alert anyone, and allowed him to stay in her house - and getting to know that mysterious man who had suddenly appeared. Over that time, they both got together, had long walks, and spent a few days being intimate with each other - and satisfying each other as well. The only people who knew the truth about Jack were; Colby’s mother, the staff at the house, and a lawyer handling her estate. The romance didn’t last as long as she hoped - because one day, Jack was summoned to go back into the demon world, much to her sadness (the one time she was in complete love, according to Jack). Until she was unwell one morning and found out she was pregnant - and decided to keep the baby.

So 30 plus years later, when she died, he came back hoping to continue everything... instead, she died of an untreatable cancer tumor... with a son that had grown up to be living in Lucky Palms after moving from Riverview. The lawyer had a moment alone and discussed what had happened in those 30 years - her death, and her son... as well as some last letters to him about getting him to “finish what she started.” With that said, Jack had no idea what to do on the day he knocked on the Lucky Palms door - at that time, we were just engaged, and I was quite shocked when Jack said he was Colby’s father even though he looked quite young.

Obviously, it wasn’t without it’s shortcomings. Since Colby practically had so many questions, it really did beg the question... who was this person who looked, in age, practically close to a point where it wouldn’t make any sense?

So, at dinner, the three of us (in a rather tense manner) had dinner that I had decided to cook. While we were discussing it, we started to notice a few similarities in habits and preferences. Except on Jack’s side, they were much more prominent when he managed to somehow tempt me to get close to him.

When he was planning on spending the night in Randy’s old room (which was empty since at the time, Deacon and Randy were experimenting with sleeping together), Jack started to tempt himself with me. He started to get closer and closer, and before we knew it, Jack had me pinned on the bed and began his near identical and significantly rougher (sloppier kisses, sloppier licks and so on) but then, he also backed off thankfully 10 seconds before Colby walked in. Before you asked, I did tell Colby about the similar interactions he did in that one move, but obviously, we were still skeptical. So, with Jack’s permission, we managed to withdraw blood from him and using Adam’s futuristic DNA sequencer, managed to get a father-son match with Jack and Colby.

Before you asked how the two finally settled their differences (and have Colby get all the questions he needed), Deacon suggested we put them in a rage room to settle it. Sure enough, I had to pay for damages, because, well, they did put a “few” holes in the wall when they were done. And a new set of clothes.

#yea it's a long shot #just bear with me here #colby #jack #character origins

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fanaiceach · 3 years

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@vampyrdoctor asked: ♥

ship meme || accepting

Gives nose/forehead kisses

Jonathan is just a little bit taller, just enough to get away with it more often. Plus he’s likely the more affectionate one in general.

Gets jealous the most

Less jealous, more possessive, and it goes both ways in the instances where it happens.

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive

Jonathan is too proper for such behavior, and Geoffrey rarely drinks to that much excess -- and can keep himself together well enough when he does. And whether either one of them would really be effected by alcohol is its own matter.

Takes care of on sick days

Dr. Jonathan Emmett Reid is an extremely attentive physician -- so much so that Geoffrey tries very hard to never appear ill or otherwise unwell in front of him, lest he find himself stuck in bed being babied all day. He’s a horrible patient.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day

Geoffrey likes spending time around the water and enjoys swimming well enough, but he’s not the type to drag someone in if they’re not into it. He’s just as content to sit next to Jon while they watch the moonlight on the waves -- or something equally nauseating.

Gives unprompted massages

Jonathan. As frequently mentioned, Geoffrey is just less touchy-feely when it isn’t prompted.

Drives/rides shotgun

Geoffrey doesn’t mind riding shotgun if Jonathan insists on driving whatever fancy car he currently has, but he much prefers his motorcycle with or without Jon on it. Though his presence is certainly a bonus.

Brings the other lunch at work

They’re both horrible about eating because they’re so in denial about... everything, really. So they both end up starving and moody a fair bit of the time. But in general, Geoffrey tends to be the one having to pull Jonathan away from his work, even if it’s less about feeding and more about general mental health. Which might be hypocritical because he’s also a workaholic, but Jon gets tunnel vision more.

Has the better parental relationship

Oof. Really not ideal either way. Jonathan was obviously fortunate enough to have a longer lasting parental relationship with his mother than what Geoffrey got with his parents, but then his father wasn’t a consistent part of his life. It’s pretty complicated on both sides.

Tries to start role-playing in bed

Jonathan probably wouldn’t be able to stay in character without commenting on feeling ridiculous even if they tried.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer

Assuming they can / would get drunk -- Jonathan. Maybe not as a wild party animal dancer, but I can see him drunkenly trying to slow dance with Geoffrey in spite of the fact that the music definitely isn’t meant for that.

Still cries watching Titanic

Jonathan probably doesn’t pay enough attention to movies to feel any kind of way about them, and then Geoffrey spends so much time trying to explain the plot (because he is paying attention) every time Jon asks that he’s too annoyed to get emotional.

Firmly believes in couples costumes

Of the two of them, I can see Jonathan thinking the concept is cute, but in any of these supernatural relationships I can’t see anyone making a big deal out of Halloween.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas

Jonathan, but Geoffrey doesn’t slouch either. He might not be a big spender but his gifts make up for it with the value of time and effort. Jonathan is probably more comfortable spending money overall honestly.

Makes the other eat breakfast

Like I said I can see them both being equally bad about meeting those nutritional needs. But there comes a time when Geoffrey is a bit more realistic and lovingly shoves a rat into his boyfriend’s mouth because he sees him struggling.

Remembers anniversaries

Jonathan makes a bigger deal out of anniversaries, and Geoffrey is the type where you think he’s forgotten because he didn’t say anything the days leading up, but then the anniversary / birthday / holiday rolls around and there with flowers and some nice handmade something that he’d been working on for weeks.

Brings up having kids

Of the two of them, I think Jonathan would have put more thought into having a family at some point in his life, whereas it’s not really a possibility Geoffrey ever considered. Maybe Jonathan wistfully mentions once or twice that perhaps a quiet life with a spouse and children would have been nice, but he wouldn’t trade what he has for what anyone else thinks he should have. And who knows what kind of child rearing opportunities might get thrown at them somewhere down the line.

#𝕬𝖘𝖐𝖘 #vampyrdoctor #i need a ship tag

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the-unlucky-thirteen · 4 years

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So Sierra here, just dropping a life update after a while of silence, it's a little long winded but I wanna get it off my chest; yesterday was awful. It was long and stressful, it started with having to make many anxiety inducing phone calls regarding sleeping meds I needed that day, and it ended with me having a seizure...

When it finally seemed like the med problem was solved I immediately hurried to the pharmacy despite the extreme heat that we're having and running on 4 hours of sleep. After arriving, they told me it was sent off to be delivered to my place, which surprised me because it was almost closing time... I then kinda wasted more of the time and energy I barely had by going to the store, figured I might as well if I went outside, plus my parents are on vacation [on a campsite located nationally] so the boyfriend and I are kinda here getting by ourselves. Then at around 22:00 while I was at my desk gaming, I had a seizure

So I've had a few seizures in my recent life after getting certain antidepressants and, because of that, I'm on anti-epilepsy medication. Since taking those meds I hadn't had any, so this was out of nowhere for everyone, and it was kind of severe. My mum [she happens to work in the medical field] said it was likely a combination of dehydration, exhaustion, and stress [it could've been worsened if I had heatstroke too apparently?] Either way, few minutes afterwards I felt nauseous, panicked, and like I could barely breathe, it seems like that lasted for so long and as if I wasn't getting enough oxygen and was going to die, which sounds dramatic maybe but it's how it felt physically and mentally...

Today my whole body is sore and cramped because of pulled and tensed muscles, which I've had after every seizure so far, not very strange considering what the body does during one. I've got bite wounds on the inside of my cheeks and a couple of bumps and bruises on my arms and legs from hitting the desk. Mind you, I never recall a moment from right before or during a seizure. My boyfriend called my mum and later she videocalled to see me and talk to me, today they went home for the day and she seemed glad that I'm alright now. My boyfriend was really shocked seeing it, but it was good he was there... He said it looked like a horror film depiction of demonic possession, that I slowly turned my head unnaturally far and started making weird noises. He had seen my first seizure and also his brother has epilepsy, so he knows how to recognise it, but there's not really much you can do about it... With me it usually starts with my limbs tensing, weird gasping noises, later combined with foaming from the mouth or drooling... it sounds disgusting I know. I feel bad that he had to see that, it always scares him. Now I'm considering contacting my GP about it, it's such an awful experience and I'm scared of it happening again...

So yeah, if you didn't know, I have epilepsy. It doesn't run in the family, so I don't know how I managed to get that, but I thought the meds had dealt with it. Anyway, I'm rambling at this point, I just still feel unwell so I'm gonna attempt some sleep. Hope you're all well and staying safe, and we'll try to update more often 💕

#actuallydid #anxiety #mental illness #epilepsy #Diary Entry #Sierra #little rambly but I wanna kinda talk about it...#personal

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idio-cies · 4 years

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Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is.

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying).

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics.

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9.

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective...

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho”

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well.

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level.

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to!

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

#2gether #2gether the series #sarawatine #Tine #tine teepakorn #sarawat #milly talks

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jazy3 · 5 years

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X04

Sorry for the lateness everyone! My friend and I always watch Grey’s on Friday together, but she was away so we watched it on Sunday instead. Okay, now that that’s out of the way onto the recap and review! I liked this episode overall! There were definitely some things that pissed me off about it, but on the whole I liked it.

The beginning of the episode bugged me. Remind me again why I’m supposed to like DeLuca? He’s always trying to get Meredith to play hooky. I hope Bailey does fire him. He deserves it. We then find out via Amelia and Maggie that the website Mer wrote to took her ideas, created a story around it, and attributed it to her! Yikes!

We then cut to an adorable Jolex scene of the two of them laughing in bed as the read Mer’s article. I love them! A trauma comes into Grey Sloan, but the patient refuses treatment because he’s seen the article the website published. Owen has the ambulance take him to Pac North. There’s a continuity error here. Owen says that Pac North is closest. Previously it’s always been stated that Seattle Pres and (pre-merger) Mercy West were the closest hospitals to Grey Sloan. How did Pac North suddenly become closer to Grey Sloan than Seattle Pres?

We find out that from the other residents that after being fired Qadri moved to Michigan to work in a hospital there. Good for her! I’m happy for both her character and the actress, but I will miss her. When Webber shows Alex the article Alex sticks up for Mer and takes her side. Alex is always on Mer’s side not matter what. I love that about him. That’s real friendship right there. The trauma cases in this episode are both horrifying and hilarious at the same time in true Grey’s fashion. The case where a man fell out of a plan onto a random university student and dowsed her boyfriend in blood in particular was really really bizarre! Her poor boyfriend! He is going to need so much therapy after this!

Somehow Bailey names DeLuca Chief Resident after the previous one quits after the article comes out. How is DeLuca Chief Resident? He can barely do his job! Plus, Bailey won’t even listen to him as he tries to tell her the real story! Shaking my head. Bailey was a annoying this season and is being a real jerk this season. She’s getting really hard to like. Also DeLuca’s character continues to be extremely inconsistent. It seems like they just write whatever they want to fit the moment regardless of whether that makes sense or not.

Tom is a complete ass this episode and he went way way too far! I loved his character last season and was super excited when he was made a regular. Now I don’t like him at all. He’s a jerk with no depth. Having his heartbroken has really done a number on this guy! Not that his behaviour is Teddy’s fault mind you he’s choosing to be a jerk. This storyline also seems odd considering Tom is a father, lost his child, and was excited to be Allison’s step dad. Why is he okay torturing this kid and her family for publicity?

I loved that they included Cristina in this episode and showed her and Mer texting! ‘Move to Switzerland before Bailey kills you in your sleep!’ Haha too funny! And she’s right too! It’s nice to see Amelia happy and healthy and to see her, Maggie, and Mer getting along and supporting each other even when they don’t agree. I missed that last season. It’s also nice to see Maggie and Teddy getting along.

And DeLuca’s back to being an ass! He yells at Schmitt for taking a phone call while meanwhile he himself has done tons of illegal and immoral things that were so much worse and completely unjustified. On top of that, Schmitt isn’t doing anything wrong. He’s convincing a patient whose a family member of his to not cancel their surgery. That’s a good thing and good for the hospital. What is DeLuca worried about her exactly? It’s not as if there are reports or people taking pictures of their actions.

The scene with Ben and Bailey made me laugh. Poor Ben! He didn’t know what to do! What he prepped for was not what he got! Also of note, Helm is still infatuated with Meredith. She really needs to let that go! I loved Jackson’s line, “Added bonus!” He really got the best lines in this episode. I also loved his line, “I am the Foundation.” Tell him Jackson!

I was really sad when they lost the freak accident patient. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. Her poor boyfriend. The book the boyfriend talks about at the end appears to be a reference to the best selling novel The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It’s an excellent book and I highly recommend it.

I loved all of the Link and Amelia scenes! They are hands down my favourite new couple. As Maggie and Amelia comment they are really well matched. Amelia is very high strung and anxious and Link is very calm and sturdy and thus he can calm her down and she can help him see the serious side of things without being such a complete downer. Amelia’s relationship with Owen was always rocky in part because they are both very high strung, damaged, and mentally unwell people.

Link is mentally stable and very relaxed. He’s perfect for Amelia in so many ways. And now that Amelia is finally on the path to wellness and can acknowledge what has happened to her they work! I loved their whole gravity blanket scene. It was so cute! I loved Link’s confession that he loves her and that he wants to tell her and name the feeling because people can fall out of the sky (literally) and accidentally hurt other people so there’s no point trying to avoid pain. Be still my heart!

Towards the end of the episode Alex recruits Owen and thus begins the great Pac North migration! The song cover they use in Jackson’s surgery is really interesting! I’m glad Mer apologized to Bailey, but the question is will it be enough? I’m glad she tried. I liked Owen’s line, “Your high horse has no legs to stand on!” LOL! We find out at the end of the episode the most shocking piece of news yet. That Bailey is both menopausal and pregnant. WTF?!?! What the hell? What is with the pregnancies this season!?!?! I really don’t know what to make of this storyline.

So let’s talk about my favourite part of the episode! It came right at the end when Meredith ran into DeLuca as she was leaving the hospital. She explained what was going on and DeLuca was a completely unsupportive dick head to her and she finally realized that not only does she not need anymore enemies right now SHE DOES NOT NEED THIS CRAP!!! And I was like FUCK YES!!!!!! You’re damn right she doesn’t! Meredith does not need this crap! From anyone! One of my biggest complaints about Derek was how unsupportive and melodramatic he was. And here we have DeLuca doing the exact same thing!

She also realized (finally) that DeLuca doesn’t really know her or get her which has been an issue from the beginning. He likes the idea of Meredith not the reality. The reality is messy and complicated and comes with a lot of baggage which includes kids, a dead husband, nosy sisters, a best friend that hates him, and a big family of people who are largely indifferent to his existence. For the love of God, let this be the breakup!!!! Let this be the end! Please!

Onto next week! It looks like Bailey tries to break the news to Ben, but he’s out cold! And Meredith FINALLY verbalizes what we’ve all been saying about DeLuca!!! Thank goodness! Amelia realizes she’s needs to get to know Link and his family better and Richard and Gemma have breakfast and things get intimate! Oh boy!

Until next time!

#grey's anatomy #Meredith Grey #16X04 #16X4 #its raining men #season 16 #recap #review #critique #thoughts #merluca #amelink #cristina yang

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nadziejastar · 5 years

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Xemnas: Tron is a digital entity, so why would he be any different? He obeys the rules of this world. Sora--what about you?

Sora: Me?

Xemnas: Your heart, memories, your data, and your dreams. The bits and bytes that have made up your life so far--can you say for sure they are not just copies of someone else's?

Sora: Yes! My memories and feelings belong to me.

Xemnas: You had better check.

Haha, yeah I’d love it if it was retconned to just be a false memory, though I agree it is unlikely. It honestly sounds more plausible too, ya know? It could have been a memory planted using the Datascape. Or it could even have been something poor Isa’s tormented mind concocted in order to block out his trauma.

It’s kind of funny that the song playing in the background of the Subject X scene is “Eternal Moments”. That was basically Lea and Isa’s theme in BBS. It played during the scene where they met Ven. Lea told Ven they were friends and to get it memorized. Lea said he wanted to live forever in people’s memories, and Isa said he’d never forget Lea. Lea met Ven one time, but he still remembered him 10 years later. But with Subject X they aren’t even sure if their memories of their “friend” are even real. Yeah, such a close friend...

Xemnas: Make certain the box's contents match what's on the label...since you have been chosen.

Sora: Chosen for what

Yong Xehanort: You think this is the realm of dreams, but there, you are mistaken. Data does not dream, cannot dream. This world is real. You haven't the slightest idea where you are--that you have already wandered off the path.

I still think Subject X was just a tweaked version of Isa’s backstory. After Saïx said he might have just imagined Subject X he didn’t sound that concerned about it or the fact that he probably wasted his life following Xehanort for nothing. He just said he “awakened to a new purpose”. Oh well, I’ll just focus on becoming stronger, lol. Whatever. We all know people don’t just randomly “awaken to a new purpose”. Xehanort assigns them their purpose.

Who knows. Maybe the “imaginary” person was supposed to be Lea originally. If Isa was Subject X, his memory would have been extremely fragmented. Maybe Xehanort was able to convince him that Lea never existed. He was just someone Isa imagined. Or his memory of Lea was just created in the Datascape or something. Roxas’s final straw was finding out that his best friends never existed---they were just data. Maybe that was the final straw to break Isa mentally. That’s when he “awakened to a new purpose”. In other words, Isa went to the Realm of Seep, then Saïx (Xehanort’s heart and mind) took over.

Had she been moved? Had we simply imagined her? Lea and I knew there was only one way to be certain. And so we stand before the castle gates today, not as trespassing children but in order to become Ansem the Wise’s newest apprentices.

I dunno. But I just cannot get over the fact that even in canon, Saïx/Isa thought that he imagined this girl. And it was not mentioned once, but TWICE! He thought he might have been imagining her even when they were kids, LOL! Honestly, I almost thought this girl was purposely written to seem retconned and shoehorned in at that point. It was one of the worst exposition dumps I’ve ever seen. EVER. Hey remember that girl we were reaaaally close friends with, but never mentioned until JUST now? The one we joined the bad guys for? Are you sure she really existed, bro?

I was so baffled that the game was telling me in one breath that this girl was sooo important to Isa that he sacrificed everything for her. Yet in the next breath…he wasn’t sure if she even existed. I mean, what the hell!? How are those two things compatible? That makes him seem very…mentally unwell. He was voluntarily doing icky jobs for Xemnas—so many that even Mr. Dirty Work Assassin Axel couldn’t keep up (yikes). He became Xemnas’s right-hand man! He sold his soul! All for someone who…might have been a figment of his imagination. It still makes it sound like he was mind-controlled. Nobody in their right mind would act that way.

When Roxas was having his “7 Days” experience, he saw a lot of things that nobody else could. He saw Naminé, for instance. He fell off the clock tower, but then later thought he must have imagined it. Roxas’s “hallucinations” were never treated as something casual like with Isa/Saïx and Subject X. His friends became very worried about him. It was a pretty big plot point.

There actually might have been a connection to Naminé. Subject X is mentioned while Ansem is brought to the Haunted Mansion and looked at the window that Roxas saw Naminé in. I’m sure Roxas had doubts whether Naminé was real or if he just imagined her. If Isa was being experimented on, drugged and/or tortured, he’d be in a similar mental state to Roxas.

I dunno. I just don’t think it makes very much sense that BOTH Lea and Isa repeatedly spoke to some imprisoned girl, they both decided to free her, risked their lives becoming apprentices for her, gave up their morals for her, then they BOTH thought they imagined her later. If Isa thought he imagined her, speaking to Lea (who also spoke to her) should dispel those doubts. But when Saïx said that he thought he might have imagined her, Lea didn’t exactly refute him.

When I first played KH3, I just could not fathom how something that stupid became canon. I think it must have had some basis in the original story. Because there was no reason to include a detail like that. None whatsoever. Unless it was to explain why no one ever bothered to mention her before, lol. That’s honestly what I thought at first. But I think it had to be more than just that.

Let’s ignore the fact that Isa gave up his life for this girl. Even if it was dark, it’s still very abnormal to have an interaction with someone and then later question if it was real. You’d usually have to be on drugs to have an experience like that. Like LSD or DMT or something. And LSD is a hallucinogen that was frequently used in real life mind control experiments.

Or you’d have to be very mentally and emotionally stressed out to the point where you lose touch with reality. That’s what happened to Roxas when he was looking for Xion. Plus, he was already affected by Sora, so he was dreaming and seeing visions a lot. It makes a lot more sense for Roxas to imagine seeing Xion because he already was close to her. Lea and Isa had no reason to imagine a total stranger. That’s just bizarre.

Roxas sat down next to him like usual, and opened his mouth. “Today… I went to the beach on a mission.” He took a bite of his ice cream. “I think I saw a girl who looked a lot like Xion…”

Axel stared at Roxas. Roxas’ eyes were a little glazed.

“But, maybe it was my imagination… I don’t really know. To be honest, I'm not even sure today's mission really happened.” Roxas bit his ice cream again. “I feel like I just woke up from a dream or something.”

It looks like Xion’s disappearance has had a deep effect on Roxas.

Roxas kept speaking, without looking at Axel. “This is gonna sound crazy, but you know how we promised each other we’d all go to the beach?“

“Yeah.”

I couldn’t help but notice Axel’s reaction on Day 276. Roxas said he thought he might have imagined seeing Xion because he wanted to see her so badly. In the novel, it made it seem even more like Axel could personally relate to how Roxas felt. It seemed like Axel knew what it was like to lose touch with reality just because you wanted to see someone really badly.

“Well, I think I only saw her there because I wanted her to be there.”

Roxas looked unwaveringly toward the sinking sun.

I should—resign myself, shouldn’t I… Definitely.

Axel stood up leisurely, and stretched wide. Then he said, “…Shall we go look for her?”

“Huh?”

After Roxas said that, Axel looked away with a deeply troubled look on his face. It definitely looked like he was remembering going through something similar to what Roxas was going through. He was thinking that it was probably a bad idea to suggest looking for Xion. But I think he knew exactly what Roxas was feeling, so he suggested it anyway.

Roxas finally looked at Axel. Axel smiled at him.

“Tomorrow, after our missions, let’s look for Xion before we come here.”

“Mm… yes, let’s do that!” Roxas nodded, and stood up like Axel. Then he smiled.

I wonder when the day will come that the three of is will go to the beach… Axel thought suddenly, seeing that smile, and to deny the next thought that floated up, he stared at the sun.

He knew that they were never gonna get to go to the beach. But he hid that from Roxas. Destiny Islands was where Roxas and Xion remembered the sound of the waves. It was special to them. And the equivalent for Lea seemed to be the image of a sunset and eating ice cream.

“We’ve gotta make it to the beach next year,” Olette murmured, watching the sunset.

Hayner leaned forward. “Yeah. Better get jobs the second vacation starts.”

Next year… Right. Next year there would be another summer vacation. This one was almost over, but they’d have next year to try again. Letting his mind wander, Roxas found that the perfectly obvious fact cheered him up.

Roxas saw the ghost train that nobody else did on Sunset Hill. Roxas was able to see it because he missed the trip to the beach, and DiZ knew he really wanted to see it. And Roxas said he imagined that he saw Xion because he wanted to see her. They promised to go to the beach together. I wonder if there was a connection to Axel knowing they’d never get to go to the beach that day, and saying he really wanted to see someone on Sunset Hill, where the ghost train appeared. In the novel this scene where Naminé goes with Axel actually took place on...the beach.

Axel still hadn’t reported that Xion was with Riku, even to Saïx. As to why, he was asking himself the same question.

That’s why I could suggest to Roxas that we look for her, though. That’s resolution, and resignation, and then what? Friendship? Axel’s mouth twisted, remembering that word.

I’m still unsure somehow. I’m worrying over what is the best thing to do. Will I find the answer someday?

There had to be some backstory to how Lea could use dark corridors, even as a a human. I definitely think Axel had been in Roxas’s shoes before, searching desperately for a friend, which is why he went to search for Xion with him. I definitely don’t think he was that obsessed with finding a random girl he wasn’t sure existed. It had to be somebody else. After the test subjects were released, maybe Lea was so depressed that Isa was missing, he had weird dreams or hallucinations. He wanted to see Isa so badly it led him to open a dark corridor to Twilight Town.

Donald: Uncle Scrooge!?

Sora: Er, who?

Goofy: He’s Donald’s uncle—a business typhoon! Before the Heartless showed up, he traveled the worlds on a Gummi Ship with the King. He was helpin’ to set up a traffic system.

Donald: A transit system!

I think Isa was Subject X and was probably taken to Twilight Town after Ansem discovered the experiments. Perhaps King Mickey was the one who suggested that Isa would be safe in Twilight Town. The King probably was aware of its existence. After all, he and Scrooge must have went there, since sea-salt ice cream is sold there. It must have been a part of his business transit system. So, it’s very possible we would have gotten backstory of how sea-salt ice cream existed in Twilight Town, like it does in Radiant Garden. And the ice cream may have been another reason Twilight Town was special to Axel.

Riku: Let’s go.

Axel: Go where? It’s not like we have homes to return to. We don’t exist, remember?

Naminé: Yes, it’s true. We may not have homes. But there is someplace I want to go… And someone I want to see…

Axel: Same here.

In the manga, Axel was even trying to teach Naminé how to use the corridors of darkness while they were talking on Sunset Hill, right before they had the conversation about wanting to see someone. And dark corridors can only be opened by people with very strong sentiments, like hatred or…wanting to see someone very badly, like the Beast. It doesn’t prove anything, but I did find interesting because it was a little bit random.

Kairi: Who are you?

Axel: Axel. I happen to be an acquaintance of Sora’s. Why don’t we go see him?

Kairi: …Sora?

Axel: We’ve got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about. Hey, I feel like we’re friends already.

In KH3D, Lea also used the dark corridors while looking for Isa. Mickey told him that was reckless.

Axel: Somehow I just knew you’d be here. I tell ya, Kairi, you’ve got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that.

In KH2, Axel said that he knew Kairi would be in Twilight Town and that she had a lot of guts jumping into the darkness like that. She and Axel had a lot in common because they both wanted to see someone that they missed very badly. Maybe they also had a lot in common since they both just jumped right into the darkness to see the person they missed.

So basically, I think Axel was desperately searching for someone in his past and that led him into being an organization member. But it definitely wasn’t Mystery Girl X. And I think Isa was desperately wanting to see someone that he thought he might have imagined. But it wasn’t Mystery Girl X.

#kh saix #kh isa #kh

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