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argylemnwrites · 4 years

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Life Changes

Pairing: Seth Levine x MC (Jessica Parker)

Book: Red Carpet Diaries (about 5 years after Book 3)

Word Count: ~2000

Rating: PG

Summary: A surprise statement from Jessica might mean doubling a blessing for their family.

Author’s Note: Written for the “Things You Said” prompt 19. The things you said when we were the happiest we ever were as requested by @drakewalker04 and Day 9 of the Choices March Challenge (Euphoria). Trigger warning for discussions of infertility and adoption.

“Come on, Ben. What do you say we stack some blocks? I hear they’re all the hottest thing with the daycare crowd.”

Ben let out a long string of random consonants as Seth laid down on his stomach across from him, watching him bang two blocks together.

“Sorry, sorry! My mistake. No plebeian daycare for the child of the Hollywood elite, only a personal nanny,” he said, picking up one of the yellow blocks laying on the floor and placing it on top of the red one that was sitting in front of Ben. Ben watched Seth’s movements and tried to imitate them, but got frustrated pretty quickly when he knocked the yellow block off in an attempt to add a blue one.

Seth wanted to scoop his son in his arms and just talk to him, as he was finding that usually soothed him pretty quickly, but he kept demonstrating the stacking motion. He knew Jessica would have his head if he quit working on fine motor tasks. He thought Ben was doing fine, all things considered. After all, he’d only been in LA for about three weeks at this point, and he was already more vocal, even if he didn’t have any words yet, and he was responding to his new name like a total champ.

But Jessica had taken him to the international adoption clinic at UCLA earlier this week, and after meeting with a developmental specialist and a therapist had come home with about 57 tasks that she and him needed to work on with Ben to help catch him up when it came to his fine motor and speech development and to try and ease the transition from a Ugandan orphanage to a Brentwood home. This was in addition, of course, to all the research she’d done since they’d first considered adopting.

But after all the pain and heartache and frustration it had taken to get to this point, all the tears and disappointment and fatigue that came with trying and trying for years, all the stress and paperwork and need to let control over anything fly out the window once they’d decided on an international adoption, letting Jessica go back to her Type A ways, particularly when she was focused on making things the best they could be for their son, seemed like a pretty reasonable thing. The truth was that Seth was so insanely happy about finally getting to be a father that he would agree to just about anything Jessica wanted, particularly since her connection with Ben hadn’t been quite as instantaneous as his was. But things were progressing, and they clearly both loved being able to bring their son home.

“So… I’m late.”

Her voice interrupted Seth’s thoughts. He looked up towards the doorway, taking in Jessica standing there in a pale pink jumpsuit. “Relax, Iowa. Chazz isn’t picking you up for…” he trailed off, sliding his phone out of his back pocket and checking the time, “20 minutes.” He looked back down at Ben, who was now just sliding the blocks across the floor, babbling excitedly as he did so.

“No, not late for something. I’m late.”

His head jerked back up at that. It had been a long time since those words had brought him or her any sort of hope. A very long time. Her cycles had been pretty irregular since she’d gone off the pill all those years ago, and anytime they’d thought it had been “too long” to just be her cycle in the past, it had been followed by disappointment.

“How late are we talking here?”

Jessica waited a moment before she answered, “My last period was… four months ago.”

“Holy shi-” but he cut himself off at the look in Jessica’s eyes. It would be just his luck to have his son’s first word be a swear.

“It is probably nothing. With all the stress and travel and everything, I could be this late for no real reason. With everything going on, I hadn’t really notice even, but…”

“What?”

“The dress I was gonna wear to brunch didn’t zip all the way.”

“Okay. Okay,” Seth said, nodding slowly, scooping up Ben into his arms as he stood up, “I think you have to take a pregnancy test.”

She sighed at that. “I know. Do we even have any left?”

“Probably,” he said, joining her in the hallway and heading towards their ensuite. “It felt like we were buying them in bulk for a while.”

“Do they go bad?” Jessica asked as she rummaged through the little cabinet that was right inside their bathroom, digging past extra toilet paper, Kleenex, and tampons, to the ovulation and pregnancy tests that had been shoved away after too many months of negatives. Sure, they’d never gone back to actively preventing pregnancy, but once they’d committed to the adoption path for growing their family, there had been this sort of unspoken agreement to not go back to that regimented, painful, stressful, calculated pattern of trying, and the tests had just been kept out of sight.

After several seconds of hunting, Jessica pulled a little pink box scanning over it quickly, “Well, looks like it’s good for another couple months,” she said once she found the date printed on the side, but she made no move to step further into the bathroom.

“You can do this, Iowa. No matter what it says, it’s gonna be okay.”

She breathed in and out deeply a few times before she spoke, “This was never the plan, Seth. We were supposed to get pregnant within a year of trying, and when that didn’t happen, we saw Dr. Agrawal and she was supposed to help us figure out how to get pregnant, and when that didn’t happen, we were supposed to find our kids through adoption and-”

“Jessica, you’re right,” he interrupted before Jessica could spiral any further. “Nothing has gone to plan here. Why would you expect bringing our son home and settling into being parents to be any different?”

“I just wanted something to go right, just one thing.”

Seth paused for a moment. It was rare when he had to be the optimistic one in their household, instead typically using some self-deprecation and humor to cope while Jessica was usually able to plan their way to better days in her mind. But right now, she needed him to keep spirits high.

“Hey!” he said, settling Ben onto his hip with one arm, sliding his free hand over her jaw and neck, “I think having this little guy in our lives has been pretty alright!”

“I know, I didn’t mean that… of course finally meeting our son has been wonderful.”

“Jessica…” he sighed out, tilting her head up slightly to look her in the eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I know this is a lot to go through, and I get that having to take another one of these probably brings back all sorts of awful memories I can only begin to imagine.”

“It’s not just that, Seth. I.. I don’t even know if I’m more scared of the test being positive or negative. Because negative, well you and I have been through that in the past, and while it hurts, I know we’ll get through it again. But positive…” Jessica trailed off, taking a deep breath before she continued, “We’ve never been there before. And what if we get all excited and something bad happens? I traveled internationally, and I definitely haven’t been taking precautions like I’m pregnant.

“And what does being excited even mean about us as parents? We just brought him home and I don’t… I don’t want to act like he’s just a consolation prize, and does being happy undermine how wonderful it felt to have him and hold him as ours? And he’s just going to be getting used to us and his life with us, and then what? We throw an infant into the mix?”

Seth shook his head, “Remember how when we first met with the adoption agency, and they told us we had to be prepared to just take this one step at a time? Well, I think the same thing applies here.”

Jessica nodded and let out a big sigh, “You know I’m not always the best at that.”

“Trust me, Jessica. If I could pee on that stick for you and it would be at all helpful, I’d do it. And while biology wasn’t my favorite subject in high school, I’m at least 70% sure that won’t work.”

She gave him a little smile before taking a step back and shutting the door in his face. After a couple of minutes, he heard a flush and the faucet running, so he knocked and entered.

“Alright, just a couple of minutes until the moment of truth,” she said, drying her hands on the teal towel hanging next to the sink.

“How did we use to distract each other while we waited for these things to cook?” Seth asked, bouncing Ben on his hip and handing him the towel he was reaching for.

Jessica actually let out a little chuckle, “I think by the end, we just resigned ourselves to them being negative.” She reached over and grabbed Ben snuggling him close. “Be honest, Seth. What do you want it to be?”

Seth shrugged, “We always said we wanted two or three kids.”

“So you want it to be positive?”

“I mean, yeah? That’s nothing new. I’ve always hoped that we’d get a positive one day. Do you not want a positive?”

Jessica ran her hand over Ben’s curls before she answered. “I don’t know if I’m just so convinced that it will be negative that I’m trying to not get my hopes up, or the thought of having two children under the age of… two,” she said, clearly doing some quick math, “just has me terrified. I mean, I barely am figuring out how to be a mother to him.”

“Pssh, Iowa. You’ve survived a Markus von Groot set. You really think two babies as cute as this guy are going to be worse to deal with than a temperamental Dutchman?”

Jessica genuinely laughed at that, her head thrown back and her blonde curls bounding across her shoulder as Ben continued to pass the towel from one hand to another. Seth figured it was a testament to how worked up she was, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test, that she hadn’t commented on how passing objects from one hand to another was something they were supposed to work on with him.

After a few more tense, painful moments the alarm chirped on Jessica’s phone. They both turned to look at the white plastic stick on the side of the sink, Jessica flipping it over as she’d done so many times before. But this time, it wasn’t one vertical line. It was two.

“Oh my God,” said Seth after a few seconds, finally finding his voice. “Jessica...:”

He turned to face her, taking in her wide eyes, a slight glisten noticeable in the corners, a smile spreading across her lips. “Seth, we’re… We’re gonna have another baby.”

Seth pulled her into a tight hug, Ben sandwiched in between them. Well, Ben and their child currently growing inside Jessica. He felt so full of joy, of hope, and of contentment. It was like the feeling he’d gotten when they’d first seen a picture of Ben, this feeling of euphoric potential. But now not only was there a child coming to him and Jessica, but he had his son right there with him this time. It was everything.

“I know we shouldn’t get carried away,” Jessica mumbled into his chest, “But Seth, I’m just…”

“I know, Jessica. Me too. Me too.”

Permatag: @octobereighth @drakewalker04 @kimmiedoo5 @speedyoperarascalparty @mfackenthal @lilyofchoices @thequeenofcronuts @jamesashtonisbae

Seth x MC only: @choicesarehard @chaotichuman0090

Events: @choicesmarchchallenge @lovealexhunt

#seth levine #seth x mc #rcd fanfiction #red carper diaries #choicesmarchchallenge #rcd #choices rcd #choices fanfiction #playchoices #choices stories you play #choices #tw: infertility #tw: adoption

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richincolor · 5 years

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We’ve got a wide range of books out this week! Which ones are on your TBR pile?

Around Harvard Square by C.J. Farley Akashic Books / Black Sheep

It’s the nineties, and Tosh Livingston, straight-A student and superstar athlete, is living the dream—he’s made it out of upstate New York and into the incoming freshman class at Harvard University. But after an accident blows up his basketball-playing hopes, he discovers a new purpose in life—to win the frenzied competition for a spot on the staff of the Harvard Harpoon, the school’s legendary humor magazine.

Along with Lao, his pot-smoking roommate from China, their friend Meera, a passive-aggressive science major from India, and Zippa, a Jamaican student-activist with a flair for cartooning, Tosh finds that becoming a member of the Harpoon is weirder and more dangerous than anyone could have imagined. Success requires pushing themselves to their limits and unearthing long-buried secrets that will rock their school and change all of their lives forever.

With its whip-smart humor and fast-paced narrative, Around Harvard Square will appeal to readers of all ages interested in exploring the complicated roles that race and class play in higher education.

Mera: Tidebreaker by Danielle Paige DC Ink

Mera is teenage royalty, heir to the throne of Xebel, the other not-so-lost colony under the sea. But Mera is destined to wear a different crown, that of Atlantis. When the inhabitants of Xebel plot to overthrow their homeland of Atlantis, Mera is sent to kill the heir to the throne, Arthur Curry. As the unrest between their colonies grows, Mera and Arthur unexpectedly fall in love…will Arthur Curry be the king at Mera’s side in Atlantis, or will he die under her blade?

Mera by Danielle Paige is an astonishing story that explores themes of duty, love, heroism and freedom, all through the eyes of readers’ favorite undersea royalty.

Descendant of the Crane by Joan He Albert Whitman Company

Tyrants cut out hearts. Rulers sacrifice their own

Princess Hesina of Yan has always been eager to shirk the responsibilities of the crown, but when her beloved father is murdered, she’s thrust into power, suddenly the queen of an unstable kingdom. Determined to find her father’s killer, Hesina does something desperate: she engages the aid of a soothsayer—a treasonous act, punishable by death… because in Yan, magic was outlawed centuries ago.

Using the information illicitly provided by the sooth, and uncertain if she can trust even her family, Hesina turns to Akira—a brilliant and alluring investigator who’s also a convicted criminal with secrets of his own. With the future of her kingdom at stake, can Hesina find justice for her father? Or will the cost be too high?

In this shimmering Chinese-inspired fantasy, debut author Joan He introduces a determined and vulnerable young heroine struggling to do right in a world brimming with deception.

Forward Me Back to You by Mitali Perkins Farrar, Straus and Giroux (BYR)

Katina King is the reigning teen jujitsu champion of Northern California, but she’s having trouble fighting off the secrets in her past.

Robin Thornton was adopted from an orphanage in Kolkata, India and is reluctant to take on his future. Since he knows nothing about his past, how is he supposed to figure out what comes next?

Robin and Kat meet in the most unlikely of places — a summer service trip to India to work with survivors of human trafficking. As bonds blossom between the travel-mates, Robin and Kat discover the healing superpowers of friendship.

At turns heart-wrenching, beautiful, and buoyant, Mitali Perkins’ new novel explores the ripple effects of violence — across borders and generations — and how small acts of heroism can break the cycle.

Defy Me (Shatter Me #5) by Tahereh Mafi HarperTeen

The gripping fifth installment in the New York Times, USA Today, and Publishers Weekly bestselling Shatter Me series. Will Juliette’s broken heart make her vulnerable to the strengthening darkness within her?

Juliette’s short tenure as the supreme commander of North America has been an utter disaster. When the children of the other world leaders show up on her doorstep, she wants nothing more than to turn to Warner for support and guidance. But he shatters her heart when he reveals that he’s been keeping secrets about her family and her identity from her—secrets that change everything.

Juliette is devastated, and the darkness that’s always dwelled within her threatens to consume her. An explosive encounter with unexpected visitors might be enough to push her over the edge.

Orange for the Sunsets by Tina Athaide Katherine Tegen Books

A soaring tale of empathy, hope, and resilience, Tina Athaide’s unforgettable middle grade debut follows two friends whose lives are transformed by Idi Amin’s decision to expel Indians from Uganda in 1972.

Twelve-year-old Asha and her best friend, Yesofu, never cared about the differences between them: Indian. African. Girl. Boy. Short. Tall. But when Ugandan President Idi Amin announces that Indians have ninety days to leave the country, suddenly those differences are the only things that people in Entebbe can see—not the shared after-school samosas or Asha cheering for Yesofu at every cricket game.

Determined for her life to stay the same, Asha clings to her world tighter than ever before. But Yesofu is torn, pulled between his friends, his family, and a promise that could bring his dreams of university within reach. Now, as neighbors leave and soldiers line the streets, the two friends find that nothing seems sure—not even their friendship. And with only days before the deadline, Asha and Yesofu must decide if the bravest thing of all might be to let each other go.

#new releases #WeNeedDiverseBooks #young adult books

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plantsofpeacebyericallc · 2 years

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nedsecondline · 3 years

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Texas Woman Pleads Guilty to Schemes to Procure Adoptions from Uganda and Poland through Bribery and Fraud | OPA | Department of Justice

According to court documents, Debra Parris, 69, of Lake Dallas, engaged in a scheme with others to bribe Ugandan officials to procure adoptions of Ugandan children by families in the United States. These bribes included payments to (a) probation officers intended to ensure favorable probation reports recommending that a particular child be placed into an orphanage; (b) court registrars to…

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afairmaiden · 6 years

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The bad news: The Ugandan government has shut down all orphanages in the country leaving many children with no safe place to go. The reasoning was that many children who end up in orphanages actually do have family, but they just can't take care of them, and many orphanages were unregistered and exploited the children in their care.

The good news: There is still a possibility of this home opening as a foster home that can take in ten children, and Little Hands of Hope continues to provide daily meals for 40-60 kids a day for less than $600 a month. Seriously, you may not have much, but if you can give $10, you can feed a child for a month. For $20, you could help them get care from medical clinics. For $30, you can help support the caretakers and their families who are making all this possible.

Check out the website here: https://www.littlehandsofhope.com

See the specific needs here: https://donorsee.com/profile/337

#little hands of hope #feeding the hungry #orphans #street children #Christian missions #good news #Uganda

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amigosii · 1 year

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Select The Best Orphanage For Children In Uganda To Support Them

It can be challenging to comprehend why families in poor nations struggle to survive while the majority of families in the West have access to so much food and material possessions. Sadly, there are approximately one billion children living in extreme poverty.

Food, shelter, clean water, and medical care are in short supply for children in need. These are global problems that need to be addressed globally. Thankfully, however, there are means by which each of us can assist children. Supporting a child charity like the Best Orphanage For Children in uganda that focuses on providing spiritual and practical assistance to the most in-need children is the best way to reach out.

We can be sure that any money we give to a charity for children will go directly to helping children in need. One child’s life can be transformed by a modest act that only costs a few dollars per month.

We are aware of this as well because we can communicate with "our" child by exchanging letters and pictures and learning how our support is used. Sponsoring a single child in need with the amigosii food security organizations in world wide, whether he or she is a boy or a girl, is a straightforward but transformative act of charity.

The child charity sends a small, fixed amount each month to help children in need who are living in poverty:

• Get enough food.

• You should have clean water.

• Get medicine and health care, including vaccinations.

• Stay in a safe place.

• Get a good education that will lead to opportunities for training.

For such a small sum, it is a lot. However, charitable organizations for children are effective in preventing children from falling into a cycle of poverty, misery, and deprivation and providing them with hope. The work done by the Best Orphanage For Ugandan Children in the world is the key to sponsorship success.

#Orphan Sponsorship Program #Orphanages for Ugandan Children #Best Children Charity in Uganda #Worldwide Children's Charities #Uganda Childhood Hunger

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bigeyeug · 3 years

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Desire Luzinda throws mega luncheaon to orphanage in her birthday celebration

By Reporter Since 2017, US California based Ugandan musician and philanthropist Desire Luzinda under the Desire Luzinda Foundation chose to make it a norm to celebrate her birthday with the people in need. This year 2020 has seen Desire celebrate it by giving a hand to a few individuals that were in dire need and nonetheless this year saw us back to uplift a child Children’s Orphanage in…

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#Entertainment #featured #luzinda desire #Uganda

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damonalbarn · 7 years

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A whole host of famous names have joined the ‘End The Silence’ campaign from Hope and Homes for Children, who are trying to find aid for 120,000 children in Ugandan and Rwandan orphanages.

Ed Sheeran, Damon Albarn, Elton John, Mark Ronson, Emeli Sande and more stars are making exclusive videos on YouTube, and sharing their most precious childhood songs and memories. (x)

#End The Silence #damon albarn #hope and homes for children

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adamyork24 · 4 years

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The African Delighters are a Ugandan based Dance and performance group that works orphans to educate and entertain them. The orphanage they work with has a dirt floor, and few beds. They have limited educational material and many of the children are looking for money for both clothes and food. Yet becuase of the work done by the African Delighters, many of these children can still smile. I first came in contact with the group on a fundraising project I did with 6 foot kitten a while back and they really are a remarkable group of people. Feel free to reach out to Kenneth and say hello. If you can please donate to a truly worth cause, or if not, please re-blog or share around. Thank you for your time.

https://africandelighters.org

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faceofmalawi · 4 years

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Three Ugandans arrested for attacking American family

Ugandan police in Buikwe District are investigating circumstances under which an American family was attacked and injured by a group of machete-wielding thugs. Police identified the victims who are hospitalised at Nile International Hospital in Jinja as Mr Mathew Palm, his wife Ms Lovely Palm; their children Nicole Palm and Cloe Palm as well as the home’s security guard Mr Hope Wafula. They were attacked on Wednesday in Kiira Zone, Njeru Municipality. Mr Palm operates an orphanage in the area. Reports say the attackers used hammers to break into the premises. According to Ms Hellen Butoto, the Ssezibwa Regional Police Spokesperson, some neighbours who heard the victims crying for help, alerted police officers who rushed to the area. However, she said, by the time police officers arrived, the attackers had escaped. She said the attackers, assaulted the victims before stealing an unspecified amount of money. Ms Butoto said that the attackers abandoned some stolen items. “We recovered a laptop and a bag containing some money,” she said. She said that three suspects, two of them security guards attached to Pyramid Security Company, which was hired by Mr Palm to guard the home, have been arrested. Read the full article

#Cloe #MrHopeWafula #MrMathewPalm #MsHellenButoto #MsLovelyPalm #NicolePalm

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asiimwedavid · 4 years

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What does hope look like for children in poverty? How do they hope for the future when the present tries to consume them? Pray that God will infuse these children with hope that defies their current circumstances. That they will be surrounded by loving, caring people who can remind them daily, hourly even, that God has a plan and a purpose for each of their lives. With the country on Shutdown due to COVID19, Ugandans fear starvation. We raise money for our children and the poor to purchase food as the crisis continues, any donation no matter how small counts “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) #ngo #nonprofit #nonprofitorganization #child #children #orphan #save #foundation #kid #kids #orphanage #christian https://www.instagram.com/p/B_3YM5HHHWL/?igshid=8hyjfeoidk9y

#ngo #nonprofit #nonprofitorganization #child #children #orphan #save #foundation #kid #kids #orphanage #christian

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plantsofpeacebyericallc · 2 years

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andthentherewasgrey · 7 years

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August 5, 2017

How quickly worlds can change. A country with a new president. A dear friend without a mom. An idea of God that I was so sure about. My go-to drink at a coffee house (cortado -> hot brown sugar vanilla -> iced brown sugar cinnamon). The focus of a new church service. A feeling of desolation and loss of identity to a feeling of fullness and deep joy (or the reverse). Endless time to write, waste, watch, and worry morphing into only Thursday mornings to mow the lawn and check my email and adjust my bank accounts. Spending my working days transitioning from cleaning large industrial machinery and halfway bossing 15 millennials to actual bossing 22 millennials and being responsible for making millions (400k a DAY) of little brown fake-chocolate donuts using 2000+ lbs of oil a day. Living alone in a house wondering what to do with the seeming infinite amount of minutes and months left in my life to living with a friend and a half; my world suddenly revolving around a person less than 3 feet tall. With two more faceless native babies moving in before the year is out. A year ago, last month, I’d never truly held a baby and certainly hadn’t given much thought to living with any or having one of my own.

It’s borderline embarrassing reading the things I wrote even a year ago and downright humiliating to go further back. Which, according to Brene, means I’m using this space correctly. i also like to think that the gap between the things I think and feel and wonder about and my embarrassment of them is closing. Which hopefully means I’m getting braver and growing more quickly so that even things I thought, felt, and was curious about a month ago are already things I’ve become accustomed to.

Exhibition: My extreme discomfort and embarrassment at telling something they smell. The worry that I’ll forget about a child altogether and leave them in the car or house or lose them in the store. The day I switched uniform colors at work and couldn’t look anyone in the eye for fear of the attention. The time everyone (okay maybe only some) saw my underwear in church. The terror at hearing myself teaching and receiving feedback on where I can improve. The uncertainty at beginning ability tree connections and wondering if I could handle coordinating monthly programs has now become an afterthought that I plan in an afternoon.

I still answer Wilbroad’s emails ridiculously late. No matter how clean I try to keep the house, I’m still a contender with FJD for who can leave the living room looking most tornado like. The thing I like most about living with a kid is that it’s 100% welcomed to be in the moment with them, my absolute best and favorite quality to offer. AND I haven’t yet figured out (slash made time) how to be present with myself enough to be as present as I want to be with others. I get the things done: teaching, ability tree, 5:30 service, house renovations, starting a new job, showing up at my friends big life moments - but it truly is difficult for me to engage with myself in a meaningful way. To practice spirituality in a meaningful way. To connect with many of the people I love most in a meaningful way.

If naturally I’m not so great at thinking, speaking, or even doing one thing at a time, its exponentially harder when a little alarm also goes off in my head every 15 seconds (or less) saying “what is she doing? where is she? how could I handle this? what do I need to prepare for to do the next thing?” And she isn’t even my kid. I just enjoy her and spend most of my waking hours with her and her mom. And also my mom...And a new job with 22 new people. (And I wonder why its difficult to allot my time as I had previously).

We have the most unconventional pseudo family. A mom and her daughter. Me and my sometimes dog Remington. And soon to be kids that are neither of ours, but that I can’t imagine won’t feel like ours until we give them back to whoever they belong to.

FJD officially gets adopted on Monday, about 36 hours from now. And when she does, it will be the most for-sure relationship of our little crew. Our arrangement is most likely transient - if SD or I find boys to marry or if (when) the kids we have get put back in their homes. At first I tried to curb my engagement to some extent because of the unsureness, but like all loves, it’s not a guarantee and no one is better off from receiving less love. As Jamie Tworkowsi said the year I found TWLOHA:

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home."

I don’t do it right. I neglect the wrong things. Sometimes, I get impatient with FJD, I’ve learned I’m quite controlling when I feel out of control or criticized. That’s weird 7 thing that goes to 1 in stress or worry. I don’t listen to SD or mom or MN or whoever. I don’t reach out to friends and family as much as. I get downright angry at the things SD’s mom does. I do good things in place of following Jesus.

And it’s the last one that absolutely has to change.

Somehow my life has always come back to orphans. As if my desire to help the parentless is a sort of metaphor for how I wish someone would take care of my emotions. (I say that in jest, but maybe? And if it is accurate, is that so wrong?) My childhood dream of being a house mom at an AIDS orphanage in Africa. Telling B (a partial orphan himself) on JN’s barn rooftop that I thought my life would somehow have to do with kids with no place to go. Invisible Children being my saving grace after he died. Uganda and L’esperance and all that has become Weight of Glory. Now FJD and the native foster kids that will begin to poor in and out of our makeshift home. The haunting reality the B’s death gives me courage to believe I can love hard in the face of unfair, insurmountable, and infuriating odds, yet lose everything and still have a soul.

The oddity of only noticing the pattern in retrospect, as if my life continues to tumble into orphans and once I’ve seen, I can’t un-see. All of it an accident turned side project, turned life trajectory. 600 native babies in Adiar County Oklahoma and 7 foster homes. I don’t even know if I believe that statistic because of it’s gaping disparity. And me, a White girl facing the only discrimination I’ll likely face in my lifetime who can’t legally adopt or foster any of them except through my friend and roommate. Nearly 200 Ugandan children dependent on Weight of Glory each month and I can hardly even answer Wilbroad’s emails and begrudgingly procrastinate our biggest fundraiser every year.

But, God. Rich in mercy. Full of light and truth.

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

Ephesians 5:8-14

I want to be awake.

“It seemed to me that all my other guesses had been only self-pleasing dreams spun out of my wishes, but now I was awake.” -C.S.Lewis, Till We Have Faces.

As much as it bothers me sometimes that wanting “the Light” sounds eerily similar to an episode of The Path, I confess my unbelief, my negligence, my indifference, self sufficiency, hypocrisy, ideology, indulgence, and self centeredness. I put them into the light. Give me a heart of faith. Let me give you my days and rest in your love throughout. Let me be convicted by your words and do what you say. I want to follow you.

Let me be a child of the light; reflecting all goodness, righteousness, and truth.

#words

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