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eternalchiyo · 3 months

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𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕊𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕜 ~𝔻𝔸ℝ𝕂 01~

Summary: Chiyo's first day at Ryoutei

Word Count: 4017

Human food was not very nutritious to Vampires. King Karlheinz had, at some point, imported various human things into the demon world. A cultural exchange of some sorts. So, while technically none of them save for Yui actually needed to eat breakfast or dinner, they still all met in the dining room before and after school.

As for Chiyo, she had trained herself to drink blood, in order to show everybody that she indeed was worthy of calling herself a Vampire, but frankly, deep down she really liked eating the human food.

The mood, as usually, was not very warm or invoked sense of belonging, of family. It was somewhat tense, and Shuu wasn’t even present, which was lucky for Chiyo because she sat next to the only empty chair. She hoped he would not show up at all today.

They had Belgian Waffles for breakfast.

“I don’t understand why I have to be here when Shuu doesn’t bother to come either,” Ayato complained despite having stuffed his mouth full of waffles a minute ago. “I mean I only drink blood from the pancake already anyway, I don’t need to eat pancakes.” He waved his fork around in Yui’s face.

“Aww Ayato those are waffles~” Laito laughed at him.

Chiyo listened to the siblings' squabble and Yui being embarrassed for a while before her attention shifted to Reiji, who started talking to her about all the organizational stuff regarding her new home at the mansion, which also included her having to transfer to the same school as the others. They might have been the richest household in town but apparently that wasn’t enough to hire a tutor. On second thought, maybe that was a good call; wouldn’t want to have to cover for missing bodies every week.

“I had a familiar prepare your uniform for today.”

Chiyo disliked Reiji. Her loyalties had always been with Shuu but even now, after they fell out, she couldn't bring herself to even try and like this person. He was so annoying. Like a teacher that is never satisfied with your homework, because your letters aren’t written in a neat line. Or an overly intrusive mother that would not leave you alone about cleaning your room; not that Chiyo knew how having a mother would feel like, she didn’t have one. Not anymore anyway.

Reiji was annoying, but at least he kept the household running. Chiyo kept her comments to herself.

As she put on the uniform, she looked at all the other things she had gotten with it: a bag, some books, the usual stuff.

“A third year, huh,” she said to herself as she flipped through the workbooks. Nothing very new or interesting was written in there. After all, they all have had tutors before.

A large limousine brought them to school. Even though Ryotei Academy was commonly known as a school for the richer students of celebrities and fellow night owls they stood out like a sore thumb. At least there were no –

“Kyaaaaah! Look the limousine is here!”

Ah, there they were. Female students freaking out because a bunch of attractive guys arrived at their school. Chiyo did not really understand why they lost their cool like this. She didn’t wish any of those girls a run-in with any of the brothers.

Of course, Yui being an addition to the odd family has probably been something everyone already had gotten used to, but nobody knew Chiyo yet. The crowd suddenly went quiet when she stepped out of the car. Some of the girls looked at her in awe, some of them looked at her in contempt. Nothing she wasn’t used to already. She could feel the eyes on her. Some male students apparently also took an interest in her. Not something she was used to.

But maybe she could use that to her advantage at some point.

She was supposed to meet the homeroom teacher in the faculty office. People kept looking at her while she walked down the hallways as per instructions from Reiji. It all seemed kind of pointless, the idea of having to attend school being ridiculous in her head.

“I saw her this morning; she came to school with the Sakamakis. I wonder if she’s related to them.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. But did you see how Shuu-kun looked at her? I really hope she won’t steal him away from me!”

Chiyo rolled her eyes. Oh, if only they knew! A quick look at the girl revealed to Chiyo, that she wouldn’t be Shuu’s type anyway. Ignoring that fact, Shuu hardly took any interest in anything, except for his violin and sometimes steak. She heard some other similar remarks before she finally found the room she was searching for.

“Oh, there you are. Himura-san, correct?”

She nodded.

“Great, let’s get you introduced to the class. I’m sure you’ll love it here.”

Right.

They walked one floor down, where the third-year classrooms were and soon enough she was introduced to the whole class.

“Let’s see where we have a free seat…ah in the back next to – “

“Shuu,” Chiyo whispered. The thought they would land in the same class hadn't even crossed her mind. He had always been at least a year ahead of her studies.

“Ah, of course, you already know each other, this makes things easier. I hope this helps you settle in quickly,” the teacher said in a cheerful tone.

No, it didn’t. It made things more complicated and painful. Chiyo groaned internally but sat down next to him anyway. Her hope was that he would just stay the way he was currently; head resting on his arms, laying on the table. Maybe like this it would be less awkward.

He didn’t.

While the class resumed working on the problems the teacher gave them, Chiyo started drawing on the paper. Of course, she could have pretended to learn like the rest of the class, but she already knew how to solve those things. It seemed mundane to her.

She was lost in thoughts and didn’t notice the boy next to her slowly raising his head, blinking at her sleepily.

“You cut your hair off,” he said in a low, quiet voice.

She looked at him, surprised to hear his voice so suddenly. In front of her a scene she used to wake up to and see daily: Shuu, barely awake, sleepy look in his eyes and the slightly messier hair. It made her chest hurt to see it now. With all that had happened between them it felt so different to look at him. She forced herself to lower her gaze and look away. Turning back to her notebook she nodded briefly, answering with a short “yes. I did.”

She had cut it short after their fight, thinking that she could somehow free herself from the feelings if she got rid of her long hair. It had only helped a little.

It was still unbearable to sit next to him.

Shuu looked at her. He felt like he wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what it even was that he wanted to say. He had always loved her long hair, the way it used to curl and frame her face just perfectly. She knew he liked it, so she probably got rid of it for the same reason. There really was nothing for him to say here but he kept on looking at her for the rest of the period.

As soon as the bell rang, Chiyo packed her bag and stormed out of the classroom. She needed to get out of there! She didn’t think having to simply sit next to Shuu like this would be so unbearable, alas she was wrong about that.

Hectically, she turned random corners in the hallway until she found the library. A great spot to hide! She found a spot with no students around and let out a breath. All of her energy was gone from trying so hard to keep herself together. She leaned against the wall, sliding down and crouching soon after.

Unwanted memories started to flood her head.

Limbs entangled with each other. Messed up sheets. Long fingers being dragged through long, disheveled locks.

“I like playing with your hair.”

She buried her head into her crossed arms.

Make it stop!

“Chiyo-san?”

She gasped in surprise, moving her head quickly to see who was speaking to her. Standing before her was Yui, concern plastered all over her face. Did she follow her all the way here?

��What is it?” she asked.

The other girl backed off a little after seeing Chiyo’s defensive attitude but quickly regained her composure. She fidgeted with her hands, looking around frantically before finding her voice again.

“I…uh…saw you looking panicked, and I thought that maybe one of the brothers was being mean to you. So, I followed you thinking that maybe you needed help. I know how it feels like having to adjust to living with them, I’ve been here a while now. It can be a lot and overwhelming – “

Did this person have no common sense at all? Was she just stupid? She just like that assumed Chiyo would be in the same pathetic situation as her, when they could not be further apart. She might be accustomed to dealing with the Sakamakis but that did not concern Chiyo in the least. She regarded the other girl with a stare so cold Yui flinched.

Chiyo stood up from the floor, coming dangerously close to Yui, pressing her against one of the many bookshelves. A bunch of books fell out of it and to the floor.

Being so close to the girl made Chiyo realize why she was one of the sacrificial brides she heard so much about. The smell of her blood was intense and sweet. Calling out to her almost.

She put her lips close to the blonde’s ear, whispering:

“You do realize I am also a Vampire, right?”

She heard her gasp as she tried to move away, but she ultimately failed due to shock.

“Don’t compare me to a feeble human like you ever again if you don’t want me on your bad side. What I do and why I do it is none of your business.”

Chiyo could feel the blood changing fragrances as the emotions in the other girl changed. She could practically smell the fear in her and for some reason it only made her more thrilled. Yui’s pulse was music in Chiyo’s ears, and she found herself growing hypnotized, her face drawing closer and closer to the thin white neck.

She needed to snap out of it!

It took a lot of willpower, but Chiyo shook her head and moved away from Yui again. She cleared her throat and began to make her way out of the dark library corner. Before she left, she took a last look at the other girl. She looked like a mess, just as much as the mess on the floor. Chiyo regarded the scattered books.

“You better pick those up.”

After leaving the library she fixed her skirt and smoothed out any creases, as if nothing ever happened. She needed to scout the area for a room where she could hide for longer periods of time. There was no way she would pretend to be interested in classes during her whole stay here.

Her next stop was the bathroom. After all that happened, she felt like her face did not look fresh at all anymore. Her hair needed some fixing as well. She used some water to cool off her face before reapplying her make-up and brushing through her hair. She noticed two pairs of eyes staring at her and looking in the mirror she saw that there were two girls looking her up and down.

Chiyo glared at them through the mirror, and they left. Humans were so annoying, could they not mind their own business for once? The bell rang soon after and Chiyo decided she would go back to class for today. She didn’t find a fitting room to hide in; she could start skipping classes from tomorrow on as well. She felt such a relief when Shuu didn’t come back to class for the remainder of the night. Time went by faster when she didn’t have to worry about the man in the seat next to her. It was almost bearable like this.

“Chirin, I heard a lot about you on your first day. Rumors are so amusing; don’t you think so?” Laito mused on their way home.

“I wonder what you heard that makes you look like you’re gonna jizz your pants, sicko,” Ayato looked at him, visibly confused on how to make his expression look like at the reaction of his brother. Between being weirded out and being amused, everything was possible. Chiyo decided to just look at him unfazed, deciding she’d wait for whatever it was Laito had to add to his statement.

“Oh, you know,” he stretched his arms out on the seats, “this and that.”

Very enlightening.

“My favorite is how you supposedly slept your way into the limousine,” he laughed, “and it’s funny, because it’s true.”

The look he gave her was so incredibly devious, she felt like she’d throw up if she looked into his eyes for even a second longer. She was lucky Shuu was sitting on the same side of the car as her, so she didn’t see his reaction. She ended up looking out the window for the rest of the car ride.

Had she wanted to sleep her way up at any point in her life she would have chosen anybody but Shuu. It was no secret that he wasn’t particularly interested in the logistics of becoming the heir to the family. Now Reiji of course would complain that Shuu was handed everything on a silver platter, but could you really say that when you didn’t want the things that were being thrown at you? Chiyo wasn’t sure. At the same time, she had no direct interest in sleeping her way up in any way. Frankly, in the past she always thought she would have preferred it if Shuu was not Karlheinz’s son but just a regular boy that liked her. Going out with the eldest son of the Vampire King meant a lot of eyes on her and she hated it with a burning passion. But whatever, guess she was the gold digger now.

“Hey curlyhead!” Ayato called out to her after they arrived at the house.

She rolled her eyes at the nickname.

“Do you want to come and watch us play some pool or dart in the game room? We came up with a fun way to make the game more interesting. Of course, you’ll never beat us so you can be the judge and count the points for us.”

Of course, Ayato would think that a mere woman would be no good at such an absolutely complicated and manly game like darts. Well, it was true. She was no good at it, but that was because she has never been interested in it. Had she shown any interest she was sure she would be better than the three of them combined.

Ayato had his arms crossed in front of himself and looked at her in a taunting way. She didn’t know if he wanted her to react and be mad at him for belittling her or if he meant any of this. Honestly, she didn’t care, as any kind of distraction was welcome.

“I know you’re all good at math but if you let me win, I will remember you once I become the next demon king,” he said on their way to the game room.

“No thanks,” Chiyo said.

“Your loss then.”

Ayato seemed way too excited about these new set of rules that he was simultaneously being very secretive about. Chiyo became wary of this. Nothing good ever came about when the triplets had an idea. She was confirmed in her suspicions when she saw Yui in the room as well. She clearly looked like she did not want to be there but was chained to the dart board by Laito anyway.

“Aww, come on Bitch-chan, I can’t secure this properly if you keep squirming like that. Even though you look delicious when you try to flee,” he chuckled.

So, the grand idea was throwing a bunch of darts at a human girl and then see what would happen. Chiyo sighed.

Yui looked positively stressed but of course the fear in her eyes would only spur on the triplets further. They had a knack for fear-play.

“So, what do you think? Genius, right?”

It couldn’t have been further from what Chiyo was thinking. She sighed again before looking at Yui. And for some weird reason when she saw the pleading look on the girl’s face, she couldn’t help but say:

“I was hoping for something entertaining, Ayato. This is underwhelming even for my standards.”

Ayato raised an eyebrow at her, about to protest whatever she said. However, Chiyo went up to the dart board and swiftly removed Yui from it.

“This is boring. It’s like taking away a baby’s candy, way too easy,” she said before letting the girl out of the room.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!” Kanato started screaming. “How dare you just let my dinner get away?!”

“I have something far more interesting for you three,” Chiyo said, taking one of the queue sticks from the wall, smiling in a dangerous manner.

“Winner gets her to themselves.”

If someone said Chiyo was a horrible person, she would most likely agree. It was an end result of being around creatures that looked like humans but most definitely did not behave like them. Being around the Sakamakis also required a set of skills in that regard. Not to mention that it was always in the nature of a Vampire to try and find the most beneficial way for themselves. Quite egocentric specimens.

Oddly enough Chiyo had managed to win the game of pool, meaning she could do whatever she pleased with Yui for the night. Yes, she was as surprised as everyone else in the room, but who was she to complain. Of course, the phrase doing whatever she wanted to her was a trigger to Laito, who was very much into the girl-on-girl fantasy. Now Chiyo was not a prude, however she didn’t feel like doing that. She didn’t even know if she was interested in Yui at all. Her blood smelled nice though, maybe she should take a sip after all. She decided to pay the girl a visit in her room.

Yui was sitting on her bed when Chiyo came in.

“Oh! Chiyo-san! Thank you for earlier!”

Yui bowed down in a very formal manner to show her gratitude. Chiyo only had a sigh to answer with.

“Don’t bother, I didn’t really do it for you anyway. Besides,” she looked at her while looking around the room. It was very pink, “I won a bet and own you for tonight.”

“Eh?”

“That’s right. We played and your blood was the prize.”

She made a point to sound as cold as possible while stating that. Chiyo didn’t want her to think she did anything out of pure kindness for Yui. Why she had tried to save her was a mystery to her as well though.

“Why do you always pretend to be so mean?” Yui asked.

“Me? Pretending? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Yui nodded her head slowly. “I think you are just trying to show everyone how aloof and dangerous you are, a little like small dogs that bark a lot.”

Wow.

That comparison didn’t please Chiyo at all. If a simple human could point out her insecurities, how did that make her look in front of actual demons?

Suddenly and way too quickly to comprehend, Yui found herself pushed back onto the bed she had been sitting on. Chiyo had trapped her, grip tight onto her shoulders.

“So, you think I am all talk and no action?”

Yui gasped when Chiyo’s hand moved to her neck and squeezed at it painfully. Even being only half a Vampire, she was still stronger than the average human.

“Listen up Yui, I can still snap your cute little neck in half if I want to but if you don’t believe me, maybe I should give you a taste?”

Yui let out a soft whimper.

“I am not one of the guys, your odd sounds don’t arouse me, so stop that.”

Chiyo realized the position they were in had odd sexual undertones, but she was not interested in such endeavors at the moment. Right now, she was angry.

“I’m not- “

She wasn’t able to finish her sentence anymore, as Chiyo had sunk her fangs into the smooth white flesh of Yui’s neck. It was so sweet and fragrant, this blood. Chiyo had never tasted blood like this before and she wanted more of it. She couldn’t stop. What was wrong with her? She usually was so composed.

“Please…” Yui pleaded weakly, “stop…”

But Chiyo just couldn’t stop herself from wanting more and more of it. Only when Yui’s body went limp against her, she realized she had made a mistake. It would be bad if she killed her, so she quickly sealed the little holes with her saliva and carefully placed the girl on the bed. Maybe she should dress her up in her nightgown, surely laying there in the school’s uniform until she woke up again would be very uncomfortable. That little bit of guilt that creeped into her conscience made her go through with it in the end.

Why wasn’t she able to control herself in the presence of her blood? She already had noticed it back in the library. There was something special about this girl for sure. It was almost funny how this feeble human girl got the brothers fighting for her blood like crazy while Chiyo, who had Vampire blood running through her veins was bullied for her unpleasant human smell. She had always felt so ashamed of herself. The reason she refused to let go of her perfumes. Even then this was not enough to be taken seriously sometimes.

The girl sat in the grass, crying. Hair and clothes damp because Kanato had poured a bucket of water all over her only moments ago.

“Chiyo? What happened? Why are you crying? And why are you all soaked in water?”

“Kanato said I smelled bad because of my mother. A-and that’s why he poured water all o-over meeee!”

The boy took off his jacket and put it around the girl.

“Kanato is an idiot. Don’t listen to him. You’re just a little different, but that doesn’t mean it’s anything bad…”

Chiyo looked at him with her big damp eyes. Tear stains still visible on her cheeks.

“You really mean that, Shuu…?”

“Mhm.”

“A kind person, huh?” she spoke to herself. She definitely wasn’t kind at all. She was selfish and egotistic, always looking out for what would benefit her the most.

But that was okay, Vampires weren’t kind or nice. There was a reason these creatures were used to scare children after all. Nobody is scared of a nice Vampire, therefore being nice wasn’t a Vampire thing. It was a human thing, which meant she couldn’t be nice if she wanted to be considered one of the others. The only thing that mattered in this world was how strong you were.

She thought this as she walked down the dark hallway. The moon was almost full tonight; maybe it was the reason for her slip up. She wasn’t free of the effects of a full moon either.

Stopping at one of the windows, she took a moment to take in the beauty of the shining object in the sky. Looking at the moon always invoked a feeling of longing in Chiyo. She wanted so badly to be a real Vampire. A full child of the night.

Exactly like the moon it was just out of her reach.

#everlasting spark #admin writes #dark 01 #fanfiction #diabolik lovers #dialovers #diabolik lovers oc

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greyias · 1 year

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I wish you would write a fic where... Theron somehow amasses a following of actual, physical porn bots droids and shenanigans ensue

I saw this prompt come in and devolved into a fit of heinous cackling. How, oh how could I resist trying to render our collective Tumblr nightmare into fictional text form?

Context: While not required reading, this is technically a sequel to this stunning crackfic, authored so long ago. If you need a refresher on the Medical Droid Love Triangle Saga, follow this link. Or this one, which is the real villain origin story of this fic. Or don't, you're already cursed if you click beyond the read more of this post.

With special thanks to @grumpyhedgehog, @sandwyrm, @storyknitter, @kitsonpaws, and @andveryginger for providing me with ideas, cursed pornbot summaries, and many cursed HoloNet websites that should never exist. You are not required to read any of this.

Technically rated T, but in reality rated N for Nobody, because no one should have to read this. I'm packing my bags, as my ride to superhell just came. Enjoy.

It had started as such a normal day -- if you could indeed have called any day on Odessen “normal”. What with the galaxy always being at the brink of some disaster or another, and their merry little band of misfits being led by the galaxy’s most notorious do-gooder, Theron’s schedule and to-do list had a tendency to get derailed on almost a daily basis.

This, however, was not how that usually happened.

He’d paused, mid-step, finger still hovering over his datapad, mid-entry as the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, slowly dawning horror washing over him. His head turned slowly, like one of those doomed characters in a horror holofilm to look at the droid he’d just passed.

It was one of the new ones that had come in on a recent shipment. So new in fact, that there was still a fleet of them in the middle of being unpacked in the Logistics Wing. Shining, tall and blue, its highly polished quadranium head pivoted to look back at him.

“What,” Theron swallowed, willing his voice to sound even and not give in to the creeping dread, “what did you say?”

“Theron Shan,” the droid repeated helpfully, “is a master lover.”

“Oh no.” The words slipped out of their own accord.

“Just a moment, sir,” the droid continued, seemingly oblivious to the human’s distress, “I’m not quite done with your evaluation yet. Let’s see, where were we?”

“No no no no.”

The round flattened dome that served as its head tilted to one side, beady orange eyes sweeping over Theron from head to toe, before resuming its cheery, if horrifying report. “Subject is an exemplary specimen. In good cardiovascular health, above average muscle tone. Tall, well-built, and very clean...”

“Um,” Theron stammered. “I’m...” Flattered? Taken? Leaving? Wait--yes, that last one. “Going now!”

He didn’t give the cursed machine any more time to continue ogling him, instead taking off down the hall at a very brisk walk that nearly bordered on a jog. His mind raced at he beat a hasty retreat, trying to understand what was happening. It had been over a year since the The Incident, dubbed by some as the “Sexy Spy Virus”, and others by much more crude names, where a little harmless reprogramming had taken on a life of its own. Theron had been meticulous in his coding of the antivirus, wanting to ensure that the entire debacle would be forgotten. There was simply no way that it could crop back in on its own.

“Theron,” the brisk accented tone of one Lana Beniko burst in over his comm, “why did a droid just feel the need to inform me that they found rust on its insides during its last tune-up?”

“I don’t know,” Theron insisted, but his words were almost drowned out by a metallic clanking echoing down the corridor.

He threw a look over his shoulder, and to his horror, saw that his robotic admirer had decided to give chase.

“I’m going to have to call you back,” he quickly said into the comm as the droid picked up speed from a walk to an all out gallop.

“Theron,” she sounded both concerned and exasperated, which, considering Lana, was about par the course, “what’s going on?”

“Save me!” He shouted as he took off a dead sprint.

In his many years in the field, Theron had been threatened, sure. Shot at? Many times. He’d been drugged. Tortured. Stabbed through the gut with a lightsaber pike and lived to tell the tale. He’d run into Sith, Revanites, bounty hunters, thugs, fanatics and cultists alike. He’d been in more firefights than he could remember, and more covert ops than he cared to. He’d even been accused of being a traitor (although that was kind of the point at the time).

None of that compared right now to being chased down by a droid yelling at top volume claiming he was the best lover it had ever seen.

And this time, he was pretty sure it wasn’t actually his fault.

He rounded the corner from the corridor leading from the Logistics Wing, passing by the Commander’s (and at this point, his) Quarters. HK-55 and Z0-0M straightened to their full height at his arrival. Oh thank the Force, allies.

“Salutations: Agent Shan, you are looking quite spry today.”

“What?” he panted as he approached.

“Yes, Agent Shan, don’t believe what anyone else is saying!” Zeeyo exclaimed, throwing her arms into the air. “Your undercarriage doesn’t look rusty at all!”

Mind sharp as a tack, Theron realized the implications of this just in time, and dodged to the side, ducking and rolling as the assassin-turned-bodyguard droid lunged forward to trap him in a bear hug. Not pausing to even catch his breath, as soon as his feet hit the ground he propelled himself forward and further down the hall.

“Frustration: I only wish to profess my admiration for you, Agent Shan!”

“Nope nope nope nope!” Desperation was starting to tinge the edges of his words now.

The metallic clanking intensified as more droids behind him joined in the chase, all of their vocabulators joining in unison to tell him in one way, or another, that he was in fact, the pinnacle of sexual prowess.

Theron couldn’t run forever, despite whatever their programming was forcing them to say, his stamina would give out before the lustftul droids’ power supplies. As the corridor zigged and twisted, he saw an opening in the form of a door sliding open. Without hesitation he dove in, shoving the individual there, thankfully made of flesh and bone, aside as he slammed the door controls.

The door slid securely shut just as the thunderous clanking filled the corridor beyond, their lustful words of appreciation and encouragement nearly drowned out by the racket. Theron hadn’t bothered to look or count, but he was pretty sure that the number had risen from three in the scant moments it had taken Theron to dart from one corridor to the next.

He held up a hand to his lips as he turned to thank the person who had unwittingly provided his temporary salvation. The words of gratitude died on his lips, as he realized exactly who’s room he had sought refuge in.

For a moment, Theron truly considered surrendering himself to the lusty droid mob.

Draike Highwind’s face was caught somewhere between confusion and amusement, but the latter was winning out as he started to decipher individual phrases drifting in from the corridor. A dark brow arched higher, lips twitching with undisguised mirth as the stupid blue droid that had started this whole mess yelled once again about Theron being a master lover.

More seconds passed, the ruckus quieting down, before silence descended once more, and it was finally safe to speak.

“So,” Draike drew out the word, somehow lacing it with more innuendo than all of the malfunctioning droids combined, “what ya been doing, Shan?”

“Nothing!” he insisted, voice still hushed just in case one of the droids could somehow hear.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” His brother-in-law’s smirk widened into an almost feral grin, eyebrows waggling. “Sounds like you’ve been getting... busy.”

One of the greatest mysteries in the galaxy was how one man could make anything sound that dirty. “I was minding my own business!”

“Oh, I bet you were.”

“You’re having way too much fun with this.”

“I mean...” If looks could kill, the pilot would have melted on the spot. Unfortunately for Theron, Draike was apparently immune to that sort of thing. “How often do I get the chance?”

“Did you do this?”

“Me?” Draike let out a sharp bark of laughter. “Stars, I wish I could have thought of something this good! These are memories I will cherish forever.”

Theron massaged the bridge of his nose. “I hate my life.”

“I mean, I’m not really into droids,” Draike went on, either not knowing (or more likely caring) about his brother-in-law’s predicament, “flesh is more my kind of thing. But you know, if you and the little lady need to spice things up by bringing in a little metal--”

“Please stop. I’m begging you!”

“Begging, eh? So you’re saying you’re more into--“

“Forget it, I’m taking my chances with the sex-crazed machines roaming the halls.” His palm hovered over the door sensors.

“Theron, wait!” There was enough urgency in Draike’s voice to give him pause. “It’s dangerous out there, take this.”

At first, he was honestly afraid to look, expecting to be offered something like a condom or some other bad joke, but was surprised to see the other man holding out a stealth generator.

“To escape your fans.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

“I know. I’m a genius.”

“I didn’t say that.” He quickly nabbed the stealth generator before Draike could change his mind and frowned at the initials carved in the side in Aurabesh. “Is this even yours?”

“Eh, close enough.”

Whatever, beggars couldn’t be choosers. Theron would deal with those potential repercussions later. He flicked on the power to the stealth generator which let out a low, almost inaudible hum as a burst of life engulfed his form. He closed his eyes against the sudden burst of brightness, and when he opened them again, dark spots of the light pattern danced in his vision for a few seconds. He blinked a few more times before they faded away.

He waved an arm experimentally in front of his face, and only felt the slight movement of air. Draike didn’t seem to react at all, and that was probably good enough.

“Thanks,” he said, palming the sensor to the door.

Draike rolled his eyes and ambled out into the corridor, looking around with the air of a man all too used to hiding from those looking for him. Theron watched as he raised a hand to a very slowly moving GNK power droid.

“How’s it hanging?”

“GONK!”

“Oh yeah? You don’t say! I think I saw him head that way.” Draike pointed in the direction leading to cantina. “Just between you and me, I heard he’s sweet on that droid who’s a comfort enthusiast.”

“GONK! GONK! GONK!”

Still hidden underneath the stealth field, Theron had to bite down the urge to make any noise of frustration and just turned an invisible, irritated gaze at the other man’s back. As if sensing Theron’s irritation, Draike just grinned wider.

“Yeah, you know how those spy types are. Always toying with droids’ hearts. You could do better than him.”

“GONK!”

“Oh, you spicy droid! Yeah, trundle off that way, big guy. I’m sure you’ll catch him!”

With a loud clanking, the GNK droid began his slow and steady journey towards the cantina. As the echoes finally faded, Draike casually stretched, pointing towards the direction of the War Room.

Theron skulked on by, but not before giving his brother-in-law a well deserved whop upside the head. The stealth field flickered momentarily on the physical contact before shimmering back into place.

“It’d serve you right to get caught by doing that,” Draike sniffed indignantly, “after all I’ve done to help you.”

“When all of this is over--”

“Hush now,” Draike waved at the air in front of him. “You have bigger problems to deal with. Meanwhile, I will be heading to the cantina. And definitely won’t be live-streaming any brawls breaking out over the Master Lover breaking droid hearts everywhere.”

Theron snorted out an annoyed breath, and checked his urge to trip Draike as he sauntered off, hands jammed into his pockets as he whistled a jaunty tune. Like the purloined stealth generator, he’d have to worry about slicing and corrupting any servers containing evidence of this mess after he figured out how to stop whatever this was from spreading any further.

The upside to this whole unfortunate side encounter, was that the stealth generator made it possible for him to quietly creep around any droids he passed in the corridor. Most seemed to be making a hasty exit for the cantina, almost as if word had spread of Drake’s false rumor about his and C2-N2’s torrid love affair and every heartbroken circuit was flocking in that direction now.

And when he thought about it like that, when exactly had this become his life? Oh, right. Like fifteen minutes ago. Or however long this nightmare had started. Time had sort of lost meaning, if he were being honest.

He managed to make it to the war room, undetected and unmolested, and quietly snuck his way towards the irritable blonde Sith, holding her head in her hands as if she were battling the world’s strongest migraine. As Theron approached the Sith, he could hear her muttering under her breath in frustration. He hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat, causing her to jerk her head up in surprise.

“Who’s there?”

“Quiet,” Theron hissed. “They might hear you.”

“Oh, for Sith’s sake,” she exhaled, “where in the blazes have you been?”

“Hiding,” he whispered urgently. “These droids have all gone haywire!”

“And who’s fault is that, I wonder.”

“Not me,” he insisted, “not this time!”

“Right,” she said sardonically, “and I suppose that’s why there isn’t a reality holoseries entitled ‘Programmed for Love’ currently being live-streamed in the cantina for the entire HoloNet to see.”

“Damn it, Draike!” Theron cursed. “I thought he was joking about that.”

“Of course. How did I not see that coming?” she muttered.

“I’ll slice in and scrub all of the servers after we figure out this... this... whatever this is?”

“Your insecurities laid bare in binary?” she suggested, oh so helpfully.

“Why did I come to you for help again?”

“Because--”

It was at that point, that a probe droid, currently speeding its way towards the cantina, happened to take notice of Lana talking to thin air, and veered off its intended trajectory, heading straight for Theron’s position near the back of the war room. If the loud alarms and flashing lights were any indication, it had been able to see through his stealth generator.

Wait... those weren’t alarm proximities it was flashing. As Theron watched its rapid approach, he couldn’t help but stare at it in dumb fascination, brow furrowing as he tried to make out the images it was projecting. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost say it was a bizarre mixture of Aurabesh and hologlyphs.

He squinted, just able to make out: “DX-98 🤖🔥 Analytical Scanner 💋🙏 Okara Droid Factory 🔍🌌💕 Exobiology Research 🥵🍑 Top HoloFans 0.7%!”

Before he had a chance to process any of that, the droid was already upon him, pincher arms spreading wide to snap him up for some purpose far beyond its original programming. He only had milliseconds to react before the droid reached him, when an explosive force sent the droid flying backwards harmlessly, and had Theron landing ungracefully on his tailbone. The stealth field fizzled out with a pop on his impact with the ground.

A familiar figure landed between him and the droid, twin blue scarves billowing behind her dramatically, blonde ponytail swaying with the motion of her movement. A small frown of concentration bunched her forehead as his wife threw a concerned look in his direction.

“You requested rescue?” Grey asked.

“Ah, my knight in shining armor has arrived,” he quipped back.

“I am not wearing my armor.” The frown of concentration morphed into one of confusion.

“I--never mind.” He pushed himself to his feet, dusting off his hands. “Thank you for the timely intervention.”

She graced him with a hint of a smile and a bob of her head in acknowledgment. “Any time.”

“As touching as all of this is,” Lana broke in sourly, “it still doesn’t solve our larger problem.”

“Yeah,” Theron rubbed the back of his neck, “you’re not wrong. It sounds like this has spread across the entire base?”

“It appears that way,” Lana said tightly. “You know, you assured me that all of this had been taken care of the last time we dealt with this issue.”

“Hey now,” he bit back, “I’m a man of my word!”

She snorted at that. “Tell that to the Umbaran Transit Authority.”

“How are you still mad about that?”

“You tazed me!”

“Focus,” Grey said, eyeing the stunned probe droid warily. “If memory serves me correct, you had a program you deployed to revert the programming of the droids the last time this happened.”

“Yes, that’s what doesn’t make sense.” He watched as the holoprojectors on the downed probe droid flickered, hologlyphs flashing rapidly in the War Room’s dim light. “I programmed it to eliminate all trace of the offending code. The only way it could be reappearing now is if someone took one of the infected droids offline before I deployed...”

Lana arrived at the same conclusion right about the time that Theron did, picking up the thought. “I seem to recall a certain someone requesting you replicate your work for less-than-legal purposes.”

Theron angrily punched the button on his comm as he growled, “Gault!”

The Devaronian’s voice came back immediately, almost a little too suave. “Theron! What a surprise to hear your dulcet tones requesting my presence.”

“Gault,” Lana managed to keep some measure of calm, “are you responsible for this current situation?”

“What situation is that?” he asked far too innocently, even as a distant call of a droid’s clanking nearly drowned out it’s loud declaration of the presence of rust on one Theron Shan’s “bolt”. There was a moment of silence before he continued. “Oh! You mean the lustful droids currently running amok on the base?”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” Lana said dryly. “My original question stands.”

“I am shocked, shocked and scandalized that my name would be the first to come to mind! Might I remind you, it was one Miss Djannis who requested you create her a Shan Sexbot.”

“Yeah,” Kaliyo jumped in on the comms, clearly annoyed, the sound of metallic brawling nearly drowning out her voice, “I wanted it for hilarious crimes! Not whatever the fuck this is!”

“Gault,” a third voice, Hylo Visz, cut in. From the background noise, it seemed she was in the same location as Kaliyo. “I swear, if you don’t help us figure out how to stop this, when you’re not looking I’ll cut off your--”

“Okay, okay, geez!” He interrupted before his significant other could finish whatever that threat was. “Fine, it was me! I deactivated a droid before Theron uploaded his program.”

“Of course.” Lana rolled her eyes upwards, as if asking the Force for patience.

“In my defense,” Gault continued, “originally it was just to shut the stupid thing up! But then Kaliyo came up with that brilliant idea for the Shan Sexbot Distraction, and I thought, why not hold on to this beauty in case it came in handy for a con?”

The sound of Theron smacking his forehead in frustration echoed throughout the War Room.

“So you know, just had a fun idea come to me the other day, so I extracted the original programming and altered a few things, and tried to put it into a new droid for my plan.”

“Did that droid happen to be a blue medical monstrosity?” Theron was actively massaging his temples at this point.

“I will have you know,” Gault said, “that BL-U3 is a consummate professional. You would be lucky to have him perform a medical exam on you!”

“Yeah, that was definitely his intent,” Theron shot back. “Purely professional and not lecherous at all! Which was not in any of my code.”

“Hey, I never claimed to be very talented when it came to software programming. I may have made a mistake or two when altering your code.”

“May have?!”

“How was I supposed to know that the remnants of the Gemini Frequency code in our systems was going to work after the entire Eternal Fleet had gone offline and deploy your software STD to the entire network? Sue me!”

“I’m considering it!”

Before the mostly pointless argument could escalate any further, the sounds of metallic clanking from above, roughly from the location of the cantina, began to grow closer, the cacophony increasing in volume, until it sounded like it was coming in all directions.

“That is not a good sign,” Grey’s mutter was nearly lost to the noise.

“Hey,” Drake’s annoyed voice cut in over the comm, “my livestream is now officially ruined! I hope you’re all happy!”

“I’m afraid to even ask why,” Theron said.

“Oh, it seems all of my extremely eligible and single contestants heard your voice over the comms and abandoned challenging Seetoo Enntoo to unarmed droid combat for the right to court you, and are now all headed in your direction.”

“Oops.”

“Worry not Agent Shan,” the unusually warbly vocabulator of C2-N2 came over the comms, “I will not rest until I alone can provide you with the ultimate in comfort!”

“We should probably get a different housekeeping droid after this is all over,” he told his wife.

That seemed a lesser concern to Grey, as she had shifted into Alliance Commander mode, and was currently on the comms, shouting for every available member of the Force Enclave to get to the War Room as fast as possible to help hold off the incoming army of lustful droids.

Yeah, come to think of it, that was probably more important.

“We must use nonlethal force,” she stressed, giving a particularly severe look to Lana when she said that, getting a simple nonplussed shrug in return, “as we only need to hold the droids at bay until we can come up with a solution. They are not to blame for what’s happening.”

Theron begged to differ, but she was probably right in this case. The cost of repairing or replacing an entire base full of droids would be astronomical.

As Force users began to stream in and take up position around the room, the sound of wheels racing along the metal plating caught Theron's attention, and he looked over to see a familiar silver T7-series astromech racing into the room. He tensed up instinctively at the sight of a droid, as anyone would have in his situation.

“Teeseven!” Grey called out with a smile, clearly not as wary or droidshy.

The little astromech let out a friendly whistle and series of chirps in binary, that roughly translated to: “T7-01 = Safe! // Been off network entire morning!”

“Oh, what a relief,” she breathed, “I would have hated for you to be infected with this too!”

He let out another series of beeps: “T7-01 = still in possession of original antivirus code. // Can tweak it and upload to servers = Save the day?”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Theron muttered.

“T7 = not scared!”

Grey’s expression melted into one of admiration and pride. “Teeseven, that’s incredibly brave -- but are you sure? Theron’s right, it could be very dangerous.”

“T7 = Jedi + Theron’s friend. // Helping > Risk!”

She looked at him and he returned the gaze with a small nod, realizing there wasn’t much in the way of choice. It was either that or let the droids overrun them. And then whatever happened when one of them actually got their hands on on Theron -- a prospect he wasn’t really that thrilled to explore right now.

“Fine,” he said tersely, “let’s do this!”

The two of them rushed over to the center console in the room, Theron pulling out his slicer spike as Teeseven plugged his scomplink arm into the main network terminal. The rest of their reinforcements from the Force Enclave arrived just in time and formed a ring around the two slicers. They managed to erect a large Force barrier just as the metallic clanging and clatter grew to a roar, announcing the arrival of the lecherous horde.

Near the front of the mob, Z0-0M threw up her arms in glee and excitement as she jumped to try and catch sight of her beloved. “There you are Agent Shan! You left before we could finish our conversation -- you were saying something about oxidation?”

“Interjection: Do not listen to this hussy, Theron! You and I will make sweet explosions together!”

Theron valiantly tuned them out as he took in a feed of the original antivirus code that Teeseven shared with him. Yes, this all looked correct. Unfortunately, he was going to need get a look to see how Gault had mutilated his beautiful original coding to know how to alter it.

Teeseven was two steps ahead of him, and a stream of code flashed across the HUD in his ocular implants. He watched in horror as he saw the butchery with his own two eyes.

“Gault, where the hell did you get this code?” he asked over the comms incredulously. “HornHub?”

“Excuse you, I only frequent the classiest places on the galactic communications grid, like HoloHump!” The growl of Gault’s name from a very angry Mirialan smuggler had him quickly adding. “You know, I’m just going to shut up and let you concentrate on what you’re doing.”

Teeseven, ever the valiant worker, ignored the conversation completely, and was hard at work running diagnostics on the altered code and the best way to modify the antivirus to address it. Theron watched the stream of letters and numbers fly across the HUD at lightning speed.

The little guy was good at what he did. He let out a flurry of beeps and whistles as almost the last piece of this very lurid puzzle started to fall into place. The little droid seemed to almost be singing along with the code as he wrote it, like a mechanical maestro conducting an orchestra. They were close, so close and--

The next whistle Teeseven let out was not his normal, cheerful way of communication, much lower in timbre and more seductive.

No.

Teeseven whirled his flat head around until his visual sensor faced Theron, and let out another wolf whistle, his holoprojector lighting up to proudly display: T7-01 🤖👀🔍 Observant 👁️🔭 Scanner 🔍🏞️ Tython 🌄👏 215 🍒♎ Repairing 👅🙈 Top HoloFans 3.6%

“What was that?” Grey shouted to be heard over the droids catcalling.

“No no no no,” Theron muttered, “we’re so close! Don’t do this to me, little buddy!”

“What happened to my precious baby boy?” Grey demanded, sweat trickling down the side of her face as she struggled to maintain the Force barrier.

Beyond the barrier, the rest of the porndroid army followed suit with Teeseven, all either wildly projecting their own series of hologlyphs and random facts about themselves and their planets of origins, while others struck disturbingly seductive poses, and a scant few demanded that “ShanDaddy” start a holocall with them in private.

With no time and no recourse left, Theron dove back into the system, yanking Teeseven’s unfinished code as he was nearly overwhelmed with lewd images and thirsty hologlyphs, struggling to finish and upload the code as the volume in the War Room rose to a crescendo just as the Force users’ began to fall, one after the other, their barrier weakening by the moment.

The overwhelming cacophony of hologlyphs, lewd poses, and robotic come-ons that had filled the War Room suddenly disappeared. All eyes turned to the droids as almost in unison, as they all powered down—a sign that their malware had been neutralized. Theron slumped back in relief, his work finally done.

Grey, Lana, and the others let out a long sigh of relief, the tension leaving their bodies in a rush.

“Thank the Force,” Grey murmured, sinking down to the ground. “I do not think I could have held that barrier much longer.”

Theron nodded, feeling a similar sense of exhaustion. He leaned back against the console, closing his eyes but was unable to banish the mentally scarring series of images that were probably permanently burned into his retinas.

“Remind me,” he said faintly, “to obliterate HoloHump’s servers. Once I’m done murdering Gault.”

“You act as if there will be anything left after I find him,” Lana said darkly.

“Remember everyone,” Grey spoke in her best and most official Alliance Commander voice, “murder is bad and frowned upon in the Official Alliance Employee Handbook.”

“Query: Why are we all in the War Room?” HK-55 asked as he came back online. “And more importantly, why is that blue meddroid manipulating its medical instruments into a heart shape, as if expressing affection towards the Commander?”

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