Nona and Gid <3

after some reflection I've reached the conclusion that to my mind nona the ninth did need to be its own book -- not in terms of delivering the plot or character developments, necessarily, but to be a thematic mirror to harrow the ninth in a way I don't think you could have done if this was also trying to do its job as the last book of a trilogy.

harrow the ninth is about the horror of nothing changing -- the grim, unending slog of mental illness, the inexorable method in madness grinding along, grinding you down, moment upon moment; it's about how grief can seem to create its own pockets of eternity. it's about how some things can only be remembered in forgetting.

nona the ninth is about the horror of everything changing all the time forever -- the people you love, until they aren't quite the people you loved any more, the places you love, until it's become somewhere you can never go back to, the world, every day -- you, until you die one way or another, in truth or in no longer recognizing yourself. you go to school for the hour of science and noodle every day, until one day you just don't anymore, and nothing can be done about that. nona is about 'life is too short, and love is too long', but also 'you can't take 'loved' away'. pyrrha, who's tried for ten thousand years to kill her feelings but "Don't worry, kiddie. I'll keep loving you -- my problem is I don't know how to stop." even when it just hurts us, we love. we just can't help ourselves. and at the end alecto remembers herself (itself?), which means forgetting nona.

the strange paradoxical comfort of madness vs. the unbearable loneliness of sanity. harrow is mad, and for all her suffering it keeps her from having to face the most inconceivable, the thing she can't live with: a universe without gideon. cam and pal are so so sane, and they can't bear it. they die to live in a way they can... uh, well, live with, and it's a crazy thing to do but it's the kindest thing they could find for themselves. the world of harrow the ninth is so dead and deadened, and the world of nona is so unbearably alive.

(ironically ntn was a much more difficult read for me than htn, because the way htn works is already so close to how my own mind works (yes, unfortunately, really. no, I'm not okay, but not in a way anyone can do anything about with any immediacy so let's ignore that for now lol). I understand the logic of it intimately, for all it looks confusing if you just see the surface. but the ongoing nature of the restless dread in ntn -- the way you love these people, and through the book they keep drifting away from you so steadily and gradually that you can't even put your finger on exactly when you really lost them as they were at the beginning. at the end, when pyrrha is carrying nona because she can't stand anymore (carrying her in 'the halo of her arms'...... god. yes, that is what a parent feels like for a child huh), I vicariously felt what I suspect is pyrrha's train of thought as well that like... what if you could just hold her close enough, love her hard enough, that she won't have to go, that she could get to live. what if you could just refuse to let go of her, what if you could be strong enough for that. and one person in this universe is that strong-- why would you let someone go -- away from you -- untouchable? John's obsession with being able to touch his loved ones, except he's so profoundly fucked up he doesn't understand any way to do it but to make them into extensions of himself, to consume them and transform them into himself, the very hungry caterpillar style -- he wanted to touch so he made them his hands, and he doesn't understand why it doesn't fulfil him. and thank god pyrrha has the soul and sense to understand why you can't just eat what you love, narrowly, but I still wanted her to be able to still hold nona and protect her from everything including death so fucking bad, and of course she can't. that's the tragedy of it, that's the beauty of it. love doesn't change anything, and we just can't help but love anyway, and it changes everything, and it's all we can do sometimes. fuck I'm going to need a lot of lying face down on the floor for a few hours to process this book huh lmao)

“what the fuck did Anastasia do?” some wild speculations for funsies

What we know: Anastasia was trying to achieve Lyctorhood, and believed there was “another way” other than the standard ‘kill your cav, eat their soul’ way. Anastasia’s process still included the Eightfold Word, was performed in “laboratory conditions” and Samael, her cavalier, died. She later went on to fund the Ninth House. Everything else is speculation, or comes from biased accounts.

What we don’t know: A bunch of things!

One is when it happened: We don’t know when Anastasia attempted to ascend, compared to the other Lyctors; we only know that she did it in relatively safe conditions. We DO know that she worked “closely with Cassiopeia” (HtN, 51) and researched it “too much”, trying to do the process a different way “slower and more methodically”. Cassiopeia was the fourth Lyctor to ascend - my guess is that Anastasia made her attempt at any time between shortly before Cassiopeia’s and shortly after Cytherea.

The other is what exactly happened: all we know for sure is that John claims Anastasia failed, and he killed Samael to stop the botched process. Of course John’s account is wildly unreliable but IMO, he’s not the kind of person to say a straightforward lie when a half-truth will do — not because of moral qualms against lying (LOL), but because he likes to have plausible deniability with himself that he did a hard thing for the right reasons. I’m assuming John’s account is like, 60% true here. And it’s very juicy

Wild guess time!

Wild ass guess but my idea is that Anastasia tapped into Alecto’s enormous well of power, but dragged Samael into it via the Eightfold word. Then either the feeling of Alecto’s soul was too much for them and it made Anastasia panic, screwing the process. John killed Samael to stop it.

Why would you even think that? Good question!

I think John claiming that killing Samael was to Anastasia’s benefit is partly the truth; again John’s very good at twisting facts so that he comes out squeaky clean, but he’s less likely to lie outright. We also know that Anastasia remained on decent enough terms with John & Lyctors afterwards — I bet their relationship was very fraught, but doesn’t seem to have been on the level of “I never want to see you again.”

Alecto feels guilt over Samael’s death. The first thing she tells Harrow, Anastasia’s however-many-times-removed grandchild, is “I’m sorry about Samael” (NtN, epilogue). Alecto had the chance to apologise in person to Anastasia for Samael’s death, but she still feels the urge to apologise again to a direct descendant, immediately. This, plus the fact that she swore herself to Anastasia’s line (a big fucking deal!) makes me think that SHE was personally involved in Samael’s death, not just a witness, and she feels the urge to make up for it.

Anastasia “panicking” is a very likely reaction when confronted with Alecto’s sheer power — John completely lost it when he ascended, and while Anastasia made her attempt in less fraught circumstances it was probably still A Lot to handle. My guess that she “dragged Samael into it” is based on the speculation that the Eightfold word is what ties the cavalier to the necromancer and includes the cavalier’s name (because Harrow removed all memories of Gideon’s name, not just her existence, to stop herself from consuming Gideon’s soul) and when her panic caused her to lose control over the process to some extent (probably painful and/or gruesome) John’s resort was to kill Samael and stop the process that way.

Another (IMO less likely) possibility is that Alecto threw a Nona-style tantrum that Samael couldn’t withstand, or even killed Samael herself. These would both work with her guilt + the fact that whatever happened needed a pretty thorough “cleanup” after, but I don’t think Alecto was physically present. (However, I do think that Alecto’s involvement would be pretty much the only thing to get John to admit to something he didn’t do, and would explain why he agreed to lock up Alecto after + why Anastasia would agree to assist with it)

Ok but why would Anastasia even be able to tap into Alecto’s power?

I just think Anastasia is extremely scary. She was the one to work on Teacher (cramming 500 souls into 50) and she later went on to fund the Ninth, the House that supposedly does strictly bone necromancy, wouldn’t even touch flesh magic, but also, somehow, managed Harrow’s conception — something John, God himself, calls “a walking miracle”. 

Yes, Harrow’s parents were skilled, but not that skilled. My guess is that they based their work on Anastasia’s research — a “work” that John compares to a smaller-scale Resurrection.

If that’s the level Anastasia was working with... I just think she was very good at soul fuckery. I also think that the fact that planets have souls in TLT (even planets that don’t contain any life forms... except potentially they all do) points to the existence of an “oversoul” — universal life existence within all beings; sort of the greater matter of which human souls are the molecules. I think Anastasia was sufficiently skilledto have reached to whatever spillover of Alecto’s soul was left, maybe through John’s presence, or maybe because she was still partly tied to the planet that became the First House, and Anastasia pulled on that string not knowing what it was.

This last section is 90% a wild guess, but I THINK it fits with Harrow telling John in NtN (John 5:4) that he “watched them misunderstand the process” so here’s my shred of canon evidence.

Anyway, here’s my current Anastasia Theory — to be debunked in 2023

So I have been having some. ahem. thoughts and feelings about Anastasia and Samael since Nona came out, and I’ve been thinking a lot about why John killed Samael. I think that after obsessing over this I may??have connected some major dots. please correct me if i’m wrong on anything, but I am currently convinced I’ve figured something out. also please forgive me if it’s incomprehensible. but this is the locked tomb nothing can make too much sense

Nona spoilers ahead

short TLDR, in case you don’t want to read the whole thing: Anastasia & Samael would have merged their souls together and become a being like Paul. John killed Samael because he thought of the synthesis like Nona did at first, believing that they would both die, rather than create a new life made up of 2 souls, and he would rather lose one of them than both.

After finishing Nona the Ninth, I’ve been thinking a lot about Anastasia. Specifically, the fact that Anastasia never achieved Lyctorhood. From Harrow the Ninth, we know that Anastasia did extensive research on Lyctorhood, and the only person allowed to watch her attempt was John. And John kills Samael, resulting in Anastasia never becoming a Lyctor. However, Nona the Ninth revealed that John and Alecto’s Perfect Lyctorhood only worked because Alecto was Earth’s Resurrection Beast, and John couldn’t completely exchange their souls. Alecto held too much power, so even after John had consumed a massive amount of her soul, there was enough left of Alecto that she could still live. This implies that Perfect Lyctorhood, at least as we perceived it before Nona, isn’t possible with two normal people who have two normal souls. Alecto was simply made up of billions of souls. This means that what Anastasia and Samael almost did couldn’t have been Perfect Lyctorhood. Meaning that John didn’t kill Samael to cover up the fact that he lied about Perfect Lyctorhood. Because he didn’t lie about that, specifically. So the question remains: Why, exactly, did John kill Samael?

In Harrow the Ninth, John says, “She panicked midway through. She hadn’t got his soul inside her all the way—if she had, Samael dying would have killed her too…They were both in danger.” This is immediately questioned by Augustine, and for good reason: It’s total bullshit. We already know that panic and other intense emotions don't cause a failure of the Lyctoral process. At the end of Gideon the Ninth, Harrow flat out rejects the Lyctoral process after Gideon falls on the fence. During that scene, Harrow gave us the iconic “I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it,” because she was already so consumed by her grief. She actively tried not to become a Lyctor, yet she still did. She even begged John for Gideon’s life back. And we know that Harrow did do the process correctly. When she tells John she misapprehended the process, John says “I don’t believe you did, Harrowhark.” We know that it was actually her homebrew lobotomy that messed with her consuming Gideon’s soul, not her own feelings of distress and panic. We also have Augustine’s story. While talking about Anastasia in Act V, he says “It didn’t make sense that I became a Lyctor under scrambling pressure and did it right, and that Anastasia screwed up in laboratory conditions.” Just from knowing about Harrow & Gideon and Augustine & Alfred, we know that John was full of shit when he said that Anastasia’s panic was why he had to kill Samael. Intense emotions and “scrambling pressure” aren’t enough to fail the Lyctoral process. So we know that John didn’t kill him because of Anastasia’s panic, like he said.

So why did he kill Samael, then? That’s where Paul comes in. During that same conversation in Act V of Harrow, John says “[Anastasia] learned the trick was to do the Eightfold slower—more methodically...” And now that Nona has been released, we have an example of the Eightfold being executed slower and more methodically—the creation of Paul. Let’s go back to Gideon for a second. When Gideon fell on the fence, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision brought on by necessity. They both would have died if she hadn’t sacrificed herself and forced Harrow to consume her soul. It was not a premeditated decision, they had never considered actually going through the process. There was no viable option other than the Eightfold. It happened in a split second, and Harrow consumed Gideon quickly, resulting in regular Lyctorhood. Now back to Nona. When Camilla and Palamedes merge their souls together, they are both entirely confident in their decision. Palamedes offers Camilla a chance to say no, and instead she says “My whole life, yes. Yes, forever, yes.” Their decision is in a much more controlled environment, and both of them are entirely sure of what they are doing. And then they actually begin the process, which is much slower and more methodical. Every action seems to have a purpose, whereas Harrow & Gideon scrambled and panicked. Nona observes that “Nothing particularly interesting happened, until Camilla burst into flames.” For Nona to have noted that nothing of interest happened, it’s safe to assume that at least five to ten seconds passed before Camilla combusted, meaning it was a much slower process than that of Harrow & Gideon. Even without Nona’s observation, the process was much slower and well thought out. And the result of the slower process? A fusion, or synthesis, between Camilla & Palamedes—what I’m going to call “True Lyctorhood.” And if Anastasia realized the secret to Lyctorhood was to do the Eightfold slowly, she would have had the same results with Samael as Camilla & Palamedes. Their souls should have combined, and they should have achieved True Lyctorhood. This is where John’s words start to have a little tiny sliver of truth. When he says that Anastasia & Samael would have both died, he wasn’t entirely lying, but it wasn’t the whole truth, either. Nona struggles with seeing Paul as both Cam & Pal because she thinks of them as dead. She’ll never see either of them again, but she has a harder time realizing that they both still live on in Paul. I think that John was able to see that Anastasia & Samael would have merged their souls had they continued, and he could only view it as the death of them both, rather than a new life made up of two souls. So he chose the option that looked most favorable to him, and he killed only one of them, rather than lose them both.

Now, you may be asking, how do we know that Camilla & Palamedes did the same thing as Anastasia & Samael? That’s where Cassiopeia comes in (and some speculation). Again, in Act V of Harrow, Augustine says “I knew [Anastasia] was working closely with Cassiopeia.” Cassiopeia was helping Anastasia research Lyctorhood, so she would have had access to all Anastasia’s notes and research. And the Sixth House are scholars, Cassy would never get rid of information as big as an alternate form of Lyctorhood. Cassiopeia would have stored her information somewhere, and if she didn’t make it accessible to the house as a whole, she could have put it in the instructions she left. Either way, her and Anastasia’s research would not have been lost, and it would have had a clear tie with the Sixth House. And as Warden and Cavalier Primary of the Sixth, Camilla & Palamedes would have had some sort of access to this research, and would have known that such a thing was possible.

So where does that leave Anastasia & Samael? It means that they, had John not intervened, would have achieved True Lyctorhood and completely merged their souls. We know that John was full of shit, Anastasia’s panic couldn’t have been his reason. We have already seen successful executions of the Eightfold while both people are under extreme stress—or even actively trying not to become a Lyctor. We know the process executed by Camilla & Palamedes was similar to, if not exactly the same as, the process that Anastasia attempted. And we know that they would have had some kind of access to the research done by her and Cassiopeia. So. John saw that Anastasia and Samael would have merged and achieved True Lyctorhood, and he killed Samael because he would rather lose one of them than both of them, even though, had they continued, neither of them would have actually died.

Anyways. I have so many thoughts about Anastasia and Samael. why is this relevant to the locked tomb going forward? if I’m being totally honest, I have no idea. it’s important to me though. if you even care.

Another Ianthe thought! It's idly bothered me since reading Nona the Ninth that she would so willingly board the immortality train without Coronabeth. Not in a this-is-bad-writing way, but like I'm missing a little puzzle piece. If Ianthe actually wanted to escape Coronabeth, it would make sense, but if the codependence cuts both ways, then I was missing something critical. But that post about whether Ianthe modded Corona to be extra extra beautiful has stuck with me, and it shook something loose.

Now I'm wondering if Ianthe wasn't planning to be immortal alone, and instead she was planning to manually drag Corona along for the ride as well. All the other necromancer/cavalier pairs we see, it's a massive emotional deal to consume someone you were so close to, we get hints that Augustine and Mercymorn were trapped into it via suicide pact, it's so strange that Ianthe was so much more READY than any of the other necromancers to eat her cavalier.

And you know how this idea does make sense? It makes sense if Ianthe was already willing to do the work of two powerful necromancers to keep Coronabeth with her as they were growing up. Clearly Ianthe could have been terrifyingly competent on her own and only slightly less Aesthetic, and it would have just taken one instance of leaving Corona hanging out to dry and outing her as a non-necromancer, and instead, they kept up the act even to the point of arguing their way into the first house together.

Corona is crying as she asks why Ianthe didn't eat her, and I was with her at first, my best guess for why Ianthe was so eager to bail was resentment (and I still think that's an ingredient in the codependence soup, just not the key one here). But I'm forgetting someone! Yes, he comes in last place in that three-way dynamic, as well as the third house narrative, in a way that is fascinating to me, but the two of them are as intimately tied to Naberius as any necromancer is tied to their cavalier. More than most, arguably, Judith is pretty harsh on the cradle cavalier dynamic the third house apparently leans into, and he's been helping all along to hide that Corona isn't a necromancer.

I've fairly well convinced myself at this point that Ianthe was so ready to devour Naberius not just for the sake of ambition (though, again, I think that is an element). But once she's solved the mystery of lyctorhood, then she's confirmed for herself that Teacher was right, there's no path forward for both of them... as lyctors. I would have expected anyone else in the cast to agonize much harder over killing their cavalier, so does that mean Ianthe and Naberius don't have that particular relationship? No, I don't think that's it, I think they are attached in an alarmingly intense way (her guest to her birthdays was always who would annoy him the most), just like a typical necromancer and cavalier. It's just that this degree of attachment is dwarfed by how much Ianthe and Corona revolve around each other. What's really key is her ability to keep Coronabeth intact, and like, sure, it would be nice to keep Babs with them in SOME capacity, but there's a clear priority order here, and eating him means he's still technically around.

In summary, Ianthe became a lyctor without Coronabeth because she intended to bring her sister along manually if necessary. Consuming Babs is an incredibly easy decision if it means Corona won't be able to die and leave her, and he's still here, kind of, which is close enough. Obviously I could be off base and I will be delighted to read whatever character notes taz muir lays in front of me in the next book, but in the space of writing this post I took myself from 'hm, I wonder if this makes sense' to a pretty firm headcanon, so here we are.

3

She was the eighty-seventh Nona of her House; she was the first Harrowhark.

Namedrop!! This gives me a small, tenuous hope, that Harrow might actually survive this book. I'm not hoping too much. But a little.

None of this had been kept from her. It had been explained to Harrow, year after year, right from the time she knew both when to speak and when to not. This skill came early to Ninth House infants.

I'm going to beat Harrow's parents with a stick for putting her through that. How fucking dare they.

Then everything changed, abruptly, forever. Harrowhark fell in love.

:o

...oh, no, of course, not Gideon. The girl in the tomb, of course, of course.

None of this would have broken Harrow’s spirit except that the mouth alone was perfectly imperfect: a little crooked, with a divot in the lower lip as though someone had softly pressed a dent into the bow with the tip of their finger. Harrow, who had been born for the sole privilege of worshipping this corpse, loved it wildly from sight.

Much like love in the living. Perfection does not hold attention well; it is the little imperfections which capture the heart.

How very Harrow, to fall in love with a dead girl.

She prayed often. Her brain took refuge in rituals. Sometimes she fasted, or ate the same thing for every meal, arranged in a specific pattern on her plate, consumed in the same order, for months on end.

Autistic Harrow. Perhaps schizophrenic. Probably both.

The only viable source of healthy XY had been located in her House’s cavalier primary, a boy seventeen years her elder.

So Ortus was only seventeen years older than Harrow. I have my theories as to why he was spared when all the kids were killed - it may have been as boring as "well, the House needed a boy to keep alive any chance of ever repopulating". Though, it was never meant to be:

Thankfully, their marriage would have mingled the Drearburh cavalier and scion lines beyond any hope of repair: Ortus Nigenad was an only child. Harrowhark had her parents quash the idea so enthusiastically that she cracked her father’s molar. The only virgin who could possibly be more relieved was Ortus himself.

No one at the Ninth likes sex very much, it seems, (aside from Gideon and her filthy magazines).

and with incontrovertible suggestions that Harrowhark really ought to marry this son of the Second, or this daughter of the Fifth-

Oh interesting! There seems to be some Gender Stuff going on here. (Eyes the necromancer-cavalier gender essay which I've been sent and have bookmarked for later reading) Unless it's not about reproduction in this case, but being gay is perfectly normal? Probably being trans is perfectly normal also? We just don't know.

Harrow seems to be under the impression that Ortus remained her Cavalier until the very end, until -

There had been another girl who grew up alongside Harrow—but she had died before Harrow was born.

Yeah, there's definitely something fucky and weird going on with Harrow's memories. Unless all of Gideon the Ninth was fake, a dream - this isn't that type of story, though, I don't think.

Didn't Harrow say, right at the beginning, almost pityingly;

"Oh Griddle, I don't even remember about you half the time."

Didn't she say that? What if it wasn't just scorn; what if it wasn't just said to hurt and dismiss Gideon; what if it was actually true?

Damn, Harrow might be even more messed up than I thought.

I love her and want to protect her forever.

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

I read Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir last week, the sequel to Gideon the Ninth and second in the Locked Tomb series. I read Gideon the Ninth last year and, like Bookshops & Bonedust, finally scrounged around and found a used copy of the sequel so that I could continue with the series.

And, holy shit, this book CONSUMED every bit of brain space I had to spare. I started this book as a way to tell myself, "Come on, stop reading ebooks. Read a physical book, okay? You liked the first one!" I was hoping it would hook me enough to keep me from picking up my ereader. Boy, did it ever.

This book is so incredibly different from the first book. It's also almost impossible to talk about the second book without spoiling the ending of the first book, so I'm going to put the rest of my review under the cut.

This book follows Harrowhark, picking up immediately from the conclusion of the first book. She is mentally devastated from losing Gideon in the way she did, haunting the med bay of God's spaceship like a vengeful ghost. She's hallucinating constantly, hearing thing that aren't there, feeling sensations that aren't real, and especially seeing Gideon or some sort of shade of her haunting her steps. Despite all this, God needs her to step into her role as a Lyctor and start learning how to support him. Because all this time, God has been fighting a secret battle of his own. He needs more Lyctors to help him, which is why he put out the call to all the nine houses in the first place. Now, Harrow needs to struggle against not just her own fractured mind and failing body, but against her fellow Lyctors and their web of cruel lies and assassination attempts.

This book is so dark, guys. But, it's also so much fun. This is the kind of book that makes you constantly question what is real and what isn't. Harrowhark is an unreliable narrator in such an amazing way. While we, the reader, may question whether what she's seeing and hearing is real, so is she! You're on the journey of the mystery with her, but you have the context of the first book to work from, while she does not. It has a small cast, but they feel very dense. The other Lyctors have been alive for 10,000 years, and they all have these laundry lists of problems with each other, while also having a sort of fatalistic affection for one another. Even though the cast and setting are relatively small, it has a similar theme of distrust weaved together with a desperation for survival.

I would recommend that if you're squeamish to look up a list of trigger warnings for this one, especially if you're sensitive to blood and gore or mind games. Or, feel free to ask me and I can put one together. But, if that stuff sounds more enticing than off-putting, I think you should definitely dive into this one. It won't make sense without reading the first book, but I thought it was such a great sequel. I immediately bought the third book, so I'll be reading Nona the Ninth soon. I'm looking forward to it!

Mid-Year Reading Update

@logarithmicpanda tagged me, so ok! let’s see if I can still do a booklr!

Amount of books you’ve read so far: 22, and this is better than any year since before the pandemic

Best book you’ve read so far in 2022: I really enjoyed Nettle and Bone by T. Kingfisher, my favourite thing by her yet.

Best sequel you’ve read so far in 2022: I haven’t read a sequel this year that wasn’t a comfort reread, instead I’ll say Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson bc all her books are standalones so I’ll imagine they count.

New release you haven’t read yet but want to: Siren Queen by Nghi Vho, as I loved The Chosen and the Beautiful last year.

Most anticipated release for the second half of the year: The Daughter of Dr. Moreau by Silvia Moreno Garcia as I’m excited for more specifically Gothic content from her. And the Island of Dr. Moreau is ripe for a postcolonial retelling.

Biggest surprise favourite new author (debut or new to you): I was surprised I liked Lote by Shola Von Reinhold. I had to read it for GTA work, and it was the first ‘literary’ fiction novel I’d consumed in literally years. But it was actually really really good, I devoured it in a day, queer black perspective on eurocentric academia.

Newest fictional crush: I reread The Falconer trilogy by Elizabeth May and not to be a basic bitch but Kieran could still get it. Broody dark haired fey emo bois (written well) remain the classic for the reason, bonus points for him being the person who taught the protagonist to use weapons. 

Book that made you cry: I am in a place that means I am currently allergic to books that make me experience negative emotion, but the Hugo nominated short story “Unknown Number”, by Blue Neustifter (told as a twitter thread) made me cry in a good way.

Book that made you happy: I reread The Demon’s Lexicon trilogy by Sarah Rees Brennan and you know what? 13 year old me had excellent taste, it remains a very good series of books. Also shout out to the fanfic ‘Heal Thyself’ by astolat, which genuinely was such a good example of a perfectly executed redemption arc that it left me buzzing with serotonin for days.

Most beautiful book you’ve bought so far this year (or received): My copy of Her Dark Wings by Melinda Salisbury arrived in the post today! The cover looks like this. 

What books do you need to read by the end of the year? I’m so out of the loop with book releases that I genuinely don’t know. I would like to read Nona the Ninth but will also need to reread Harrow to do so as my last experience of forgetting the content of the previous book did not go well. Juniper and Thorn also looks good to me. And The Bone Shard Daughter and The Unspoken Name have been on my shelf for a while so I guess I’ll add them.

Not tagging anyone but if you see this feel free to take it as an invitation! :)

The Locked Tomb + mewithoutYou pt. 4/17

And she'd always weigh me down But, afraid I might need her I dragged her around

Song: My Exit, Unfair Album: Catch For Us the Foxes

Several mewithoutYou songs have long, slow intros that would make good music for a trailer for a TLT adaptation, just saying.

I think from the title, we can get several TLT vibes if we interpret "exit" as death. Unfair exit. Unfair death. Even taking "exit" to mean "exit," the only way Gideon gets to leave (exit) the Ninth House is by an agreement with Harrow that really isn't on her terms. Unfairness all around.

My exit unobserved And my homesickness absurd I said "water" expecting the Word would satisfy my thirst Talking all about the second and third When I haven't understood the first

Something something the various unfair exits/deaths of characters in a world where one soul consumes another to attain immortality might be "unobserved" if we think about off-screen deaths in Canaan House, but also the way that certain people (Harrow) refuse to accept or allow certain other people (Gideon) to be truly gone.

Homesickness. Not sure anyone in TLT really feels homesick with the exception of Nona.

Something something, more about water and the River. There might be some ways I could tease out some connection between the River and this concept of metaphorical water (scripture) being something that might promise relief, but ultimately doesn't; however, I need my reread to help me figure out the River better so I get something more than "it's Purgatory/a wormhole" out of it.

But here's a funny joke. The last two lines in this section are probably talking about some philosophical concept, but in a TLT context, it actually makes fun of all of us for not understand wtf is happening in these first three books.

I'm gonna jump now to the chorus because that's the next place where we have some interesting lines for TLT purposes.

And just like the clouds They bring a darkness And a hard rain's going to fall I felt the crowd Bring a loneliness and a hard rain A hard rain's going to fall And she'd always weigh me down But, afraid I might need her I dragged her around It's best to keep close sackcloth and ash In a whitewashed town

There's so much rain in Harrow the Ninth, but not really a crowd. Though maybe you could argue that even the small cast of characters around Harrow could feel like a crowd to her and it probably would since she finds Ianthe's and the Body's constant presence unsettling enough.

Speaking of the Body, the second half of this chorus is Harrow POV about the Body. The sackcloth and ash imagery is especially fitting given that in a Biblical context, those are used in times of mourning, and Harrow is mourning through the entirety of book 2.

She wore that phony smile on her face I guess like a bandage on a wounded place While I kept the keys to every old lock just in case

This...is Harrianthe LOL. And do we ever find out if people still have their keys from Canaan House?

Rehearsed indifference tossed aside Our narrow arms spread wide What unseen pen etched eternal things On the hearts of human kind But never let them in our minds?

"Rehearsed indifference" is totally Harrow. In general, I love these last three lines, but I've got nothing at the moment in terms of connecting it to TLT. It could be about the quest for immortality vs. the mechanisms for achieving it being so elusive, but it's not clear to me after a first read that John had initially set out to defy death before he had his powers.

The chorus again, with some differences.

Oh, the clouds they brought a darkness And a hard rain's gonna fall And all my laughter ends in emptiness And a hard rain's gonna fall My every medicine causes more illness And a hard rain's gonna fall And until I let you go Oh, I didn't know You were never mine You were never mine at all

"All my laughter ends in emptiness." If Harrow ever has any joy, this is how she feels about it and what she's experienced whenever she's had something (Gideon) that genuinely makes her happy.

"My every medicine causes more illness." I see this working in TLT in a few different ways. What is the "medicine" that Harrow gives herself to prevent herself from devouring Gideon's soul? A lobotomy that fractures her consciousness and sense of reality. Did John initially believe that his necromantic powers were some kind of medicine that could help others? Sure, a little bit. And what did that cause but a 10,000 year life that he's disillusioned with, and a paradigm that probably isn't better than the pre-Resurrection solar system.

"Until I let you go, I didn't know you were never mine at all." Lots of ways this could apply. Mostly, I think of it as a lyctor lament, but if Griddlehark ends in some type of mutual release of one another–to oppose the possession/destruction that's inherent to the lyctor state–then it could be their finalized albeit sad realization.

There's a bit more to the song after these lines, but nothing super specific comes to mind right now with TLT. Rereads and Alecto might make me go 👀 but for now, this is all I've got on this song.

---

TLT + mewithoutYou pt. 1; TLT + mewithoutYou pt. 2; TLT + mewithoutYou pt. 3; TLT + mewithoutYou pt. 5

. . . wait, why would the entire spirit of the Earth not like redheads, when her main exposure to them as an amnesiac is mostly Pyrrha? Was Nona talking about only in a sexual way?

Was it coming from Nona, or Alecto? Why would Alecto not like redheads? If Alecto, it happened after she was traumatically separated from the Earth. It seems unlikely to me the whole-ass Earth would dislike redheads more than the other problems she had with "meat things." It's unlikely to be just personal preference - something happened.

John isn't redheaded. She met Pyrrha before Pyrrha was consumed by Gideon the First. Is this related to the strange comment she made to Pyrrha that Pyrrha didn't hear? Were there other red head close followers of John?

Did it come from remnants of Gideon or Harrow? I don't think it'd be Harrow, except in a remainder of catty child Harrow disliking Gideon in the creche, or disliking Ortus Gideon the First on the Mithraeum. If it's from Gideon Nav, then she has a little bit of self-loathing, understandably given how she was raised in the Ninth. Self-hate may have exploded inside her after learning red hair came from her mother. With how closely Gideon clung to the memory of her mother as a child, Commander Wake not loving her may have . . . disturbed Gideon enough it affected her soul in Harrow's body. Not surprising she turned to Jod (horrible god man) in confusion.

Or maybe Nona just saw a shampoo commercial she didn't like? Maybe one that showed a gross food and then cut immediately to red hair. Lmao

3, 7, 10, and 17 for the writing ask meme :3c

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

It's not quite on the level of 'writing on the bus on a phone', but I suppose the closest match is: I tend to write everything in sequence. Not in chronological order, that is, but in the order that I think it's going to appear in the final work. It can then get changed around in editing, but my brain just does not gel with writing scenes out of order. (One day! One day it'll work for me.)

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

I feel like - a lot of things stick with me, of course, because I read too much, but I feel like a haunting is more in the memory/longing/regret venn diagram, rather than just being a part of the compost pile that is a brain. so on that note:

Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit and Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal by Jeannette Winterson both haunt me; they're an intersection of a bunch of life factors that fulfil all the haunt functions, and they're also very well written. If I had to pick a sentence to quote here, it would be 'There was no Elsie. There was no one like Elsie. Things were much lonelier than that.'

A Desolation Like Peace by Arkady Martine - especially the ending - haunts me because it's a longing-ghost, a map of loving people that I want to keep in the back of my own relationship-maps to reference. 'Language is not so transparent - but sometimes, still, we are known.'

Similarly (kind of), Nona the Ninth haunts me, with the way it talks about grief - and, not to be that person again, but it's a similar way to the way that Shadowbringers and Endwalker haunt me. 'Life is too short and love too long' pairs well with - well, I was going to try to find quotes, but pretty much the entirety of Endwalker; and yet also the stripped-down awful grief of Harrow and Nona pairs well with Shadowbringers.

There's a lot more I could add. We Are All Where We Belong. That one post about falling into a hole that is not our grave. Johnny fucking Joestar. I consume too much media; I could go on; but also I want to finish this post.

But also - 'has your own writing haunted you?' I feel that a lot of the time writing is itself an exorcism, transmuting one's own emotions and ghosts into a creation. Which leads to...

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

When I successfully manage to do that! I'm pleased when I can write good passages of text, or when I think I've nailed a characterisation or written a joke I think people will like, but ultimately I am happiest when I finish a work and I have transmuted a fairly vague feeling into a cohesive piece of work.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

UNFORTUNATELY my current WIP is ffxiv-based, so it would not be super interesting for you :( as ever though, the extra details are going to come from my developing habit of figuring out what's going on with all of the side characters, what their stories are, and then not telling those stories because they wouldn't fit in the main narrative of the story. (For example, there's an entire story between Lucia and Ameliance that straight-up does not belong in there, but is part of the background I can work off emotionally.) (But if I ever finish it, anyone who wants to know specific side-stories is welcome to ask >:D)

(from this writing meme)

I posted 916 times in 2022

That's 503 more posts than 2021!

6 posts created (1%)

910 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@vaspider

@mostlycatsmostly

@extremesofmediocrity

@annabelle--cane

@bananonbinary

I tagged 892 of my posts in 2022

Only 3% of my posts had no tags

#cat - 250 posts

#the magnus archives - 119 posts

#tma - 78 posts

#mood - 57 posts

#queer - 53 posts

#exvangelical - 47 posts

#ex christian - 46 posts

#it's just a shadow with eyes - 46 posts

#fan art - 40 posts

#asexual - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#listening to tma as a grad student is just like cool here's the horror setting perfect to fuck up me and basically everyone else i'm around

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I didn't think leopards would be EATING people's faces, sobs parent who raised you in the Leopards Eating People's Faces party

4 notes - Posted September 28, 2022

#4

help I'm 2/3 through my reread of Harrow the Ninth to read Nona the Ninth and I'm already at peak capacity for being like

See the full post

10 notes - Posted October 13, 2022

#3

cursed all-consuming academic research projects, coping by repressing all emotions, and a side of ace rights is a fantastic character archetype, and there should be more overlap between these fandoms

33 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

#2

Which was the best (or rather, least awful) option at the end of The Magnus Archives? Release the fears, whatever risk that may be? If not, speed up the end of apocalypse so people suffer less, or not interfere? 

This moral reasoning problem has lived in my head rent-free since I finished listening to TMA last summer. Since I wasn’t around when the finale aired, I don’t know what debates were happening. But since it’s trending for the one-year anniversary, I want to find out! 

(please support my procrastination of my actual grad school research and my desire to spend too much time making pretty graphs, thanks)

41 notes - Posted March 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

on a scale from The Bright Sessions to The Stormlight Archive to The Magnus Archives how healthy are your coping mechanisms for your be superpowers and also your depression

45 notes - Posted September 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

got a get to know me tag game tag from @caspersgay!!!! :hyperventilates:

fave ships: i love when there is one grumpy reserved overcompetent one who doesn't like emote that much and then there's a loud annoying one who is so so stupid. so stupid. for example Naruto and Sasuke. or taakitz. i also like when one of them is elegant and graceful and maintains an air of decorum and the other one is sillay or in some way crunchy!!!! Morticia and Gomez Addams. also ginkgo from mushi shi x pretty much anybody fits this

first ship: shassie. sorry

last song: I'm listening to music rn so if that's what counts it's A Horse with No Name. if it's what i listened to last before stopping listening to music for a period of time i think it was Everybody Loves Somebody

currently reading: Nona the Ninth. still. I'm suffering. also Sherlock Holmes and Moby Dick but much slower and more sporadically than everybody else who is reading them in the same manner

last movie: Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio!!! it was really good, and the current season of D20 is stories like Pinocchio and it was a really cool story to see with that in my brain already!!

currently watching: so me and the squad are having superwholock two electric boogaloo rn, we just started SPN last night but I'm also watching this D20 season, new who again, and I'm going to start Sherlock again soon ish. also west wing and ummmmm that might? be it? there's a bunch of stuff I want to see but I'm in a period of reflection rn

consuming: coffee and weed, babey. coffee and weed

currently working on: like 93 wip stories bc i write them ad infinitum in my brain and then never put them on paper :), also I'm going to start another big ambitious painting soon so watch out :skelebop:

I'm not gonna tag anybody cause it gives me anxiety but i love u all and if u wanna do this and SAY i tagged u that is fine goodbye