Manual
Jan 6, 2023
I don’t ever know how I am supposed to feel. I have this body. I have this body and I have this brain and I swear I read the entire instruction manual but sometimes things go wrong that weren’t in the manual, and then I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or how I’m supposed to feel.
Someone told me when I asked for an updated version that… well, they didn’t tell me anything really. They laughed. They told me that was a good joke, but when i asked what the joke was they just raised an eyebrow and continued on. And when I asked the person who I got the manual from… he said I was lucky to even have been given one.
That was a situation that the manual never prepared me for.
I don’t know how to feel.
And this makes me feel afraid.
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yk when you see someone share a finished handmade item that they clearly spent a lot of time and money on and it's just. The absolute tackiest thing you have seen in your life. And then you ask yourself why someone would waste all those resources on such an eyesore.
(no, of course you can't relate to that because you're a much nicer person than me)
In any case.
BEHOLD!
A wool coat!
The top fabric is handwoven and handspun, the whole thing is sewn by hand, too.
Leftovers. Barely anything, all things considered, which is very satisfying.
This thing took me well over 3 years to make, on and off. And now I'm done.
Thank you for your attention.
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Down the parsed dialogue rabbit hole again, this time looking at Ethel's Vicious Mockery lines for all the characters, and goddamn, they are brutal.
ASTARION
You're one thirsty night away from betraying everyone.
Deep down, you like being leashed, don't you?
Is there still rat stuck in your teeth, slave?
GALE
I can smell what's under those bandages, wizard. You're all rot and ruin.
Come to greet death early? You'll be a lovely spectacle.
Who would be jealous of you, apprentice?
KARLACH
Let's pull your strings, infernal puppet.
Happy to sell everyone's soul but your own, aren't you?
When I'm done, even the Hells won't want you.
LAE'ZEL
Your people will never take you back - illithid scum.
Do you miss kissing Vlaakith's feet, gith?
A toad with a tadpole! How fitting.
MINSC
How quaint! The hamster has a pet.
Only evil here is what's inside you, ranger.
Go rub your rat, soft-skull.
SHADOWHEART
You're so far up Shar's cake you can't see straight. Pathetic.
Why would Shar love you when no one else does?
You're no complex puzzle. Just a sad little girl.
WYLL
Do you think losing that eye made you a hero?
Oh, look! It's daddy's regret.
Fraud of the Frontiers!
DRAGONBORN
Aww, where's your clan? Bet they'd exile you for that brainworm in a blink.
Bet that honour of yours shatters easy as your scales.
You foul-breathed little lizard!
DWARF
No flabby dwarf's a threat to me.
More beard than brains, the lot of you.
Bet you'd trade your friends for a trinket or two, gold-eater!
DWARF (DUERGAR)
Bow your head, slave. You remember how, don't you?
Grey and useless as a stone comb.
I'll squeeze that stone heart until it bleeds, dwarf.
Need a new master, illithid lover?
ELF
Fancy yourself immortal? We'll see how long that lasts.
I'll show you what a true fey does, dearie.
Elves are so pretty. Pretty worthless!
ELF (DROW - FEMALE)
Filthy underscum!
Just another of Lolth's pretty harlots.
Slaver. Sadist. How dare you judge me?
ELF (DROW - MALE)
Bare your throat, spider-bait.
Kneel, boy. Just like the matriarchs taught you to.
Bow to your betters, boy.
GNOME
Disgusting burrow rat.
Bet your clan's happy you're gone!
Try laughing after I rip your throat out, gnome.
HALF-ELF
I wonder which parent regrets you more, half-breed.
How revolting. Another thin-blooded mongrel.
Half-elf. Half-human. All useless.
HALF-ELF (DROW)
Even the Underdark doesn't want you, half-breed.
A half-drow? How grotesque.
Surprised you show yourself in public, abomination.
HALF-ORC
Come now, tusks-for-brains! Doesn't this make you angry?
All that bloodlust. A little tap, and I bet you won't know friend from foe!
Lumbering half-orc. Twice as ugly as your parents combined!
HALFLING
Come closer, little softie. You'll be tender.
A tiny, sweet morsel. Just for me.
HUMAN
Another human rat infesting Faerûn.
A human! So desperate to be special.
Pity. That tadpole actually made you interesting.
TIEFLING
I'll burn you alive and everyone will celebrate.
You're everyone's punching bag and no one's favourite.
I see the Hells spit out another tragic little tiefling.
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"You have not yet eaten today. Coffee is not a valid food group. I would suggest we stop to get you something to eat." (RK900/Colin @Gavin)
“Oh yeah? Are you my personal nanny now?” Gavin scoffed, irritation bubbling in his stomach at the same time as his stomach growled, giving him away. Of course it did. And of course his lack of food is why he was more snappish.
His stomach growled uncomfortably loudly and his ears reddened with mild embarrassment. Then he continued to grumble to cover his embarrassment, “Maybe if you hadn’t rushed me out the door like always I’d gotten some food, asshole. Geez.”
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