#Maybe I'm being paranoid
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Its a good thing I am incapable of giving a single shit about any celebrity or I'd be like you guys and feel disappointed when they do something bad/double down and insist they're right/generally act weird about them
#Hmmm#This might have some 'I'm so quirky' vibes you know?#Like 'Oh I'm so special and unique because I don't like things that everyone else likes because everyone else likes them' or something#Y'know?#Maybe I'm being paranoid#Probably not#But its true that I am nigh incapable of caring about them#Idk I just#Its hard for me to care about stuff in general?#Idk how to describe it#I couldn't tell you what kind of things and genres I like#Cause like#I guess I just haven't taken the time to develop taste?#Or never took the opportunity as I was developing the rest of my 'personality' (in quotes because I am such a blank slate#)#Maybe I would make a good protagonist for a game lol#cause a player could easily project their own motives and stuff on#Like a silent protagonist but one who actually talks way too fuckin much holy shit there's a lot of tags#Stupid Brain Problems#Depressive Episode or something
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I'm watching Berserk and I may or may not have hyped myself up to turn my vampire ocs into dark fantasy characters. mmaybe
#sketch tag#so uh. pepper is kind of a guts basically jdjgkckkc#they're both in an army and they butt heads a lot bc pepper is big and stronk but very impulsive and reckless#but there's no griffith situation or anything like that it's just that vince worries abt her#and he's way more restrained as a fighter and a strategist. maybe a commander or second in command#and just like in vtm he's very paranoid and afraid of change. so he worries abt her and is also unhappy in the army but too scared to leave#so he broods a lot and mopes around and gets on her ass abt her recklessness#and just like in vtm pepper is impulsive and has a lot of pent up frustration and she uses the battlefield to release all of it#sometimes overexerting herself and nearly getting herself killed#she also wants to leave bc she's not sure she believes in what they're fighting for anymore. but then she loses her coping mechanism#things change when they have an argument where he reveals he cares abt her sjfjjfkf YES very cliche I am thriving#and she's dismissive at first but after being alone for a bit his words start sinking in#and when they're on a battlefield again there's a moment where they have to retreat and she's about to absolutely not listen to that#but then she has a change of heart bc she remembers what he said + she cares abt him too so she doesn't want him to be hurt by her actions#neither by him getting worried nor trying to come to her aid and putting his life at risk#so she retreats#and he's very happy abt that he thanks her later for what she did#and then she's like yeah sure I guess I didn't die but also guess what. I'm bored#everything she wanted to release back there she just didn't. so she's still frustrated and especially bc she had to admit defeat#and she's an extremely proud person. she's irritated#and he's like aight. I'm gonna fight you then#and she's like what. and he's like yeah#so he picks up a sword and throws another one to her and there's a *sexual tension play-fight* hell yeah babey#I'm having sm fun w this au can you tell jejfjckckkc#eventually they do desert the army they're in bc things get worse and pepper decides she no longer wants to be a part of it#and in a fight or flight moment she pushes vincent to make a decision and he leaves with her#and like the story is only getting started there bc then there'll be some big misteries in the story they're gonna uncover#which. I haven't figured out what they are yet#but either way akhhdskfha I'm having a lot of fun w this#sleep.txt
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“Nine would have treated Martha better than Ten did”
I need to talk about this argument that never seems to stop circulating.
Note: Not a venomous/anti post. There’s more than enough of that across fandom spaces as is, and this is supposed to be a place for ✨sweet, blissful escapism✨
When making this argument, people seem to envision a scenario in which Nine never met Rose.
While I can appreciate a good hypothetical, recognizing Rose's significance to the Doctor (Nine and Ten) is essential to understanding why things with Martha played out the way they did in the first place.
In the third series, the Doctor is grieving. This grief is deliberately threaded into nearly every script, whether spoken aloud or not (and these are just a few examples):
He's burning in Rose’s wake the entire time Martha travels with him, which is why it’s so frequently called upon: It’s 100% deliberate in framing his grief. He grieved as Nine too, of course— having been fresh on the heels of the Time War — but then he met Rose, which changed everything.
Back then, he was still a rude, traumatized pain in the ass, but we watch Rose soften more of those jagged edges with every episode as they grow closer; as he lets his guard down and forms a deep connection with her.
He falls in love (against his better judgment) and it's game over.
And yes: provided S1E1 had been titled 'Martha', one can realistically assume things might have unfolded similarly to how they did with Rose. However, it wouldn’t have been that way just because the Doctor was Nine and “Nine was different” — it would be because he wasn’t already in love with someone else. The same can't be said for the start of S3.
Think of it like this: if Rose AND Martha had been in that cellar — if Nine had taken both of them along with him in S1 — we’d eventually be looking at the most melodramatic love triangle ever, what with him living in close quarters with two brilliant, gorgeous, compassionate young women... But Doctor Who is plenty “soap opera” as is with just one woman in the TARDIS.
(I certainly wouldn’t object to reading that fic, though)
Now, regarding the unrequited elephant in the room…
His inability to be romantic with Martha isn’t because he thinks her lesser, nor is it for lack of compatibility. It isn't because Rose is any better than her. It certainly isn’t just because he’s Ten.
It’s really only for one reason, which can't be denied — and now I’m a broken record:
He is still in love with Rose.
(cut from a tenrosedaily gif)
Nine is Ten, and Ten is only such a mess in S3 because he’s just lost the love of his life. Martha merely got caught in the crosshairs of a volatile Time Lord in mourning, and yes — it sucks. Absolutely.
But it also feels dismissive to chalk Ten and Martha’s relationship up to little more than some sort of mindless dance of pining, jealousy, and toxicity.
Ten trusted Martha with his life over and over again — and hers, with him. He constantly praised her brilliance, happily carting her around time and space with no intention of letting her go. In the BBC’s extended universe of novels/comics/cartoons/etc, there’s so much depth to their relationship: love and trust and trauma and sacrifice. They had their own special bond as mates, their own complexities — so it’s a bummer that it's forever overshadowed by the other things.
I’m not denying that there was a lot of stuff that sucked/was for sure toxic about Ten's S3 behavior, but so many of the things I've seen him catching flak for can be directly attributed to being A Clueless Fucking Alien Idiot (not a trait that’s unique to Ten) — as well as his flat-out obliviousness to Martha’s feelings.
So yes, I agree: if Rose never existed, he would have treated Martha differently as Nine. He also would have treated her differently as Ten. Certainly.
But Rose did exist, and when discussing canon, it matters.
“He tells me that he absolutely, 100% loves Rose... He tells me how my daughter; my wonderful, beautiful, clever little girl saved him from himself before… And he says that’s all because of me! I made her into the Rose Tyler that saved him.”
-Jackie Tyler, Flight Into Hull!
Martha got the short end of the stick in S3. She came round at the wrong place and time, but that doesn't mean it was all bad. It doesn't mean the Doctor didn’t adore her. It certainly doesn't mean the time they spent together was wasted or worthless. They were brilliant!
Sure, he could be a twat, but let it be known that he was a twat with Rose as well, both as Nine and Ten. I’m sure Tentoo can be plenty infuriating, too. So while I'll defend Ten (and Tentoo) into the ground forever and ever and ever, I'll concede that he's fucked up.
The Doctor is a certified Pain In The Ass. It’s one of the things I love so much about this character — dynamics.
But never forget that Martha was goddamn tough as nails and overcame every bit of it. She moved on with her life, and the Doctor moved on with his. One can only pray that, when they inevitably drag her back onto the show (which feels inevitable if I'm honest), we see at once that she's been living her best life for all these years.
#I'm paranoid af about posting this but also feel like maybe two people will read it so perhaps I'm safe#doctor who#tenth doctor#ninth doctor#rose tyler#martha jones#baby's first meta#dw meta#I hope this wasn't just a mess of discombobulated stream-of-consciousness chatter#try as I may to avoid it#I'm somehow still aware of the sea of bad fandom vibes surrounding almost every character mentioned#besides Nine - who for some reason seems to be above reproach#there's a painful absence of civil discourse#especially where shipping is concerned#but let me tell you#I've vibed with T/M people about T/R and T/R people about T/M and it is a beautiful thing#I wish we could all just get along#also I've got so many more thoughts about this topic#like an embarrassingly long list of thoughts#I tried to scale it down as best I could while also being as inoffensive as possible#gonna crawl back under my rock now#also you should all go read Peacemaker#best DW novel since the Stone Rose#good god
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I'm going to vacuum my apartment, which means I'll be out for the next few days.
Keep me in your thoughts.
#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#fibromyalgia#fibropain#fibro problems#chronically ill#personal#txt#oh I fully anticipate the increased PAIN and FATIGUE but I still have to do it#maybe one day I'll just hire someone to do it for me#but I'm paranoid about someone being in my home and about the person not doing it correctly#because I'm a control freak when it comes to my things#I HATE when someone touches or moves my things#I don't even know why#it's not rational but it is what it is#(I'm fully aware that that's a 'me' problem btw!)#thankfully I live alone#but that also means I have to do all the cleaning and housekeeping by myself#also I'd be worried about the cost#I wouldn't want to underpay and exploit someone but that might mean I couldn't afford it#idk what the cost might be#wow that's a lot of yapping to avoid starting the vacuuming proces#but I'm practicing self love now so IT'S OKAY#I can talk#it's tumblr ffs
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Oooh can I rant/spill some family drama into the echochamber of people who don't know my family and will agree with me because they've been carefully selected to?
Like you're gonna stop me.
So my grandmother died about a year ago. The night before the funeral, my aunt (let's call her Karen, all names gonna be fake duh) pulls my mom aside and says, "you should make sure my son, Kyle, isn't in the same limo to the cemetery as your nonbinary kid, Ash, because he might say something transphobic to them." (to be clear, Kyle, ash and I are all in our 30s.) obviously, my mom has a breakdown about this because it's a horrible thing to dump on her the night before her mother's funeral and there's nothing more classic Karen than thinking it's my mom's responsibility to police her children's behavior.
Now, to be clear, Kyle is a libertarian gun nut and nobody likes him, but neither I nor Ash nor my parents have ever witnessed him saying or doing anything homophobic or transphobic. Mostly because we never see or talk to him, but still. Besides wearing his crypto-MAGA hat while he was pall-bearing, he was on his best behavior at Nana's funeral and a Poppy's two months later.
Fasr forward to now and @slugdge-boy, who is trans, and I are planning our wedding. So i tell my parents, "I'm not inviting Kyle, because he is transphobic and my partner, sibling, and best friend are all trans as are a number of other people being invited."
But my parents think it would "create unnecessary drama" if I don't invite him but "don't worry, he won't come anyway." which is probably true, he never comes to family things. No one was even sure he would come to the funeral.
But I don't want him to think he's welcome. I don't want even a 5% chance he might come. I don't want to even worry about the possibility of it. Even if he comes and is on his very best behavior, I don't want to wonder if he's making fun of his to his friends later.
So right now, I think I'm just going to "accidentally" leave his name off the list. I doubt anyone will even notice. I mean, it's an email invite ffs.
#Also in regard to the all American roughneck link above#Both sets of his grandparents were millionaires. He grew up in a gated community where his backyard literally opens into a golf course.#He works as an online marketing manager for a brand of expensive boutique sugar scrubs.#I don't know where he was on January 6th#Also like he has gay uncles on the other side. Like he grew up around gay people.#Maybe my aunt was just being paranoid and he's actually an ally and has a rainbow don't tread on me flag#Who knows?#It's my goddamn special day and I decide who's going to be there#And if there's going to be drama I'd rather it be before the wedding than at the wedding#Also like... I'm making at least a symbolic effort to keep the numbers down#Anyway thank you for reading#post o' mine#Personal#Knowing my luck I'd invite him thinking he won't come and Karen will be like “I told Kyle he had to come”
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#just saw a post that was like 'if you have religious or moral objections that stop you from providing certain types of medical care maybe#you shouldn't work in healthcare' (paraphrased) and...#what a way to look at the world tbh#like. they're talking about me i think - i am a conscientious objector when it comes to euthanasia#(which granted has come up exactly twice and both cases in a theoretical capacity only this is not a frequent request to me)#and... i am also a good doctor#last week i told someone that her weight doesn't matter to her health with receipts to prove it and she cried#no one had ever told her that before#and that was something that came from me specifically. that was something i would not trust all of the GPs in my practice - a practice of#excellent and compassionate GPs! - to say#i am verifiably doing good in my job that is coming from specifically who i am as a person#i cannot put that down when it comes to issues i care deeply about#fundamentally the fact that i cannot put it down is what makes me a good doctor#i think that's what i'm trying to get at#the reason that i do well by my patients is that i practice out of my values and my ethics#if i did not stand on that core i would not stand at all#so you can't have it both ways. you can't have engaged and active and compassionate healthcare providers without sometimes those engaged an#active providers having things they do not feel comfortable doing#and it is to everyone's service if they are up front about it and do not try to hide (i am suspicious of people who try to hide this)#i am literally figuring this all out as i type hence the v long tag ramble and also being nowhere near the post that started this train#(honestly in med school we talked so much about ethics as like. abortion! euthanasia! trans rights! and the ethics in practice is the littl#things. do you apologise when you mess up. how do you manage a consult with your patient with paranoid dementia and her child in the same#room at one time - or one by one bc that's fraught too. (that one's on top i had one of those today.) how do you act with grace when#you're a bit stressed and your patient is a bit stressed and the nurse wants to add five more things to your book. the day to day ethics is#SUCH a bigger thing when you come to actual practice.)#this is obviously entirely about me and leans on the fact that i largely do think i am doing a good job i am really feeling my own way#to a Thought. but i think to a certain extent it is generalisable
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Hmmmm....this scene was just so random....I wonder if she's the stalker
#An obsessed fan of the book#Unhappy with the way the movie is being played out#She#Or maybe he if you play with a m!Ash#Stalks mc and tries to “correct” the course#Of the movie?#Or maybe I'm paranoid lol#choices#pixelberry#playchoices#guarded#choices guarded
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Whodve thunk that I have massive issues around control, esp of my living situation, about financial instability, about the lack of a sense of safety that comes from it??? Who could've guessed
In other news. Water is wet.
#the duality of fran#honestly yall I'm debating leaving work early i feel AWFUL#but home ISNT ANY BETTER#its not even HOME its just A PLACE that i LIVE IN#yes that's cliche#god i am in desperate need of smthn else#comfort and safety and reliability and stability#like in a financial literal living situation sense#but also in an emotional sense#need to be held and cared for#I AM A CONTROL FREAK BUT ALSO ITS BY CIRCUMSTANCE#I AM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO BE IN CONTROL AND HYPER AWARE OF EVERY POSSIBLE THREAT ALL THE TIME#i want to RELAX and stop being on guard and be able to trust and feel safe#BUT LIKE when was the last time that was true#never. i am paranoid and twitchy and i pass it off as being meticulous and organized#and maybe thats partially true but its not a helpful response when i CANT TURN IT OFF
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the way my school love life just became such a shitshow im turning to twst so i can at least be delulu in a healthy creative outlet 😭 omw to marry floyd bye /j
#words of kai#minor vent but#im not gonna talk abt it in depth but basically the last 24 hours have been. Very interesting for me#and i think i'm being overly paranoid about it so i will try to stop that train of thought#by thinking abt fictional boys instead of the friend i like and the friend who likes me#maybe this is the week i become an 'x reader' writer... or probably not haha
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If anybody wants an update on the precariously-close-to-failed democracy of Ohio, the Republican supermajority is attempting to keep the sitting president off of the November ballot on a technicality they created (and have previously bypassed when convenient).
These are the same people that tried everything in their power to keep an abortion initiative off the ballot despite swearing up and down it wouldn't pass anyway because they totally represent the average Ohioan's opinion on this matter so they KNOW Ohioans are against abortion, and when the measure DID get put on the ballot and Ohioans DID vote to protect abortion, they immediately said "This isn't over," because fuck the people's will.
I've said it before and I will continue to scream it until I'm red in the fucking face:
One party isn't perfect, but they have shown they value the most basic tenets of representative democracy.
The other party is pulling out all the stops to ensure we are a "democracy" in theory only.
#btw some of the worst republicans in the nation (tho not the most outrageous) are from ohio#before roe v wade was even being challenged every small town and conservative city#was starting to pass legislation banning it#'in the event' rvw was overturned#some of the shadiest most corrupt conservative politicians outside of texas are in ohio#and they are constantly overlooked bc 'it's ohio who cares'#despite being the 7th most populous state in the country it feels like almost no one ever acknowledges the fucked up shit that happens ther#it is extremely frustrating#i was crying on the phone to my bf once venting abt the shit i was seeing and hearing re:abortion#bc i genuinely believed (and still do) there was no way so many conservatives would start passing such bans#all at the SAME TIME#if they didnt have word that something was going on. that SOMEONE behind closes doors had hinted at something.#and i was told i was being paranoid. there's no way it wld be overturned.#that's what a bunch of blue state motherfuckers kept saying#and look what happened#and now these same blue state motherfuckers say they dont have/want to vote for biden#and it drives me insane#bc the kind of conservatives that have taken over ohio love that rhetoric.#and maybe this is bc im from a red state but i CANNOT STAND you stipid motherfuckers that take shit for granted#voting is the absolute bare minimum#when you dont do it and promote voter apathy#these are the peoppe you're letting win#and frankly giving in to voter apathy bc ur in a 'safe' blue state is despicable to me#bc ur potentially spreading that apathy to states that need voters that ARENT Christian fascists to get out and vote#and the onyl thing keeping some of the more despicable red governments in our country in check rn#WHETHER YOU WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT OR NOT#is Biden's administration#they are NOT equal and if you are genuonely making that argument im not being nice anymore u just have shit for brains#youve spent too much time engaging in rhetoric on the internet and have officially lost touch with reality#im.on mobile so I'm not fixing the typos in my tags fuck you
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i have proof of my age (id card) now but idk what to do with it, like i'm a bit anxious about just outright posting it. maybe i could dm it to people if they want to see it? i don't know
#like I want to provide proof that I'm 18 since I lied about it before#but also I'm concerned that posting it might cause privacy issues and such even though I'll censor out most of the info#maybe I'm just being paranoid I'm really not sure#but then all this just makes me anxious like 'maybe I shouldn't even be here and I'm overstepping boundaries' or something#paranoia sucks#I love gambling though ^o^
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last night i had a mix of tinnitus and sleep deprivation induced auditory hallucinations which was basically just like. literal microphone feedback. and i think it was triggered by me testing my microphone yesterday bc the feedback was awful but yeah i was lying awake and all i could hear was extremely loud microphone feedback in my brain i'm so glad it's over 😭
#worst hallucination i've ever had#like usually if i'm bad enough to get hallucinations it's just like murmuring/whispering but i can tell it's not real#worst ones i've had before is like screaming and that's only if i'm rlly sleep deprived. sometimes knocking on my door too but#it's never too bad yk. but the mic feedback hallucination was unbearable 😭#but also i've had olfactory hallucinations where i smell cigarette smoke#ik it's definitely a hallucination bc no one in my family smokes and it only lasts a minute#ykw typing this out i'm starting to think maybe this isn't normal.#i don't think i'm schizophrenic or anything? this isn't that common and it's usually triggered by sleep deprivation or stress#but i did start having delusions the other day where i fully believed everyone was plotting against me and trying to upset me#and i have had extreme paranoia/paranoid episodes in the past but it's been a lotttttt better this year so idc if that's related#but idk if these things are normal to an extent or if i have some kind of psychotic disorder but whatever it's not affecting me that bad so#like. it's not having a big impact it's just scary when it happens. i have like anxiety n shit so idk if i'm just prone to being paranoid#anyway if anyone knows abt these things pls tell me if i'm normal or not 😁#i'm 99% sure it's not schizophrenia or anything i just want someone's opinion bc idk how normal hallucinations are ☹#but it's typically if i'm like. stressed out to the point of panic attacks or if i'm rlly sleep deprived. so it might be normal ish#ask to tag#< sorry ik discussion of this stuff could potentially be distressing but idk how to tw tag it :(
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Uuuhuhhhuh tried to doodle tonight, did successfully doodle a little guy, hands felt like shit the whole time
Really hard to express the fear i experience when i get down to draw and it feels like my hand has just Forgotten what it's supposed to do.
Wish i didn't have to experience it so often trying to do something i love
#monster noises#not giving up on everything has been getting harder and harder#i know i can't#my art is so much of me i can't give it up#but good lord#what am i even doing#i have no time i can't practice i get time and i can't do anything with it#i get so rusty i have to re-teach my hand how to move#and it freaks me out so bad i start to get paranoid i've contract some sort of neurological issue#which leads to not being able to focus on the important stuff#so i just keep spinning my wheels and wasting my time and i have so much i want to DO but i can't and i'm scared of it and i'm tired#so tired#it's after 9 i'm gunna go.. make dinner and dance around my kitchen maybe that'll help
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if i may be slightly shady for a sec. you know the person in your fandom - there is always one of those in every fandom I've been in, i swear - that's just. so annoying to you. like they either post bad takes or they post good takes but in a condescending manner. and you don't wanna block them bc they're still like a, "big" person in the fandom, and many of your friends are friends with them or put them on your dash so you wanna keep things relatively chill and avoid possibly causing drama by doing so. but my god they are annoying. and sometimes it feels like they're shading your posts, too. do y'all have someone like that too
#given the mutual shading i wouldn't be surprised if i am this person for them. and possibly many others! i am not immune to being annoying.#i think they interacted with any of my posts (beyond maybe rbing memes) one time and it felt so passive aggressive#so I'm letting myself at least vaguepost on main. one time. i earned that i think#and the trigger to this post was a post i feel has been a vague abt me so 😳#i could always just be overthinking and paranoid tho so don't take my word for that 🫡#and also bc of that I'll say. don't ask who I'm talking about. I'm sorry. no tea today. or ever. unless things turn into actual aggression#but it's nice to let things out. keeps me from turning meaningless shit into drama at least (sorry. i feel like a teenager with all that 😭)
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what if the initial scare by elquackity leaving was to remove the enderpearls from the egg hotel? and there's an actual attack later and they won't be able to escape?
#qsmp#qsmp liveblog#this might just be me being paranoid lmao#after the wilbur party last debate#maybe they did replace the pearls i'm watching fit#and i'm not too familiar with the workings of ninho
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so the QSMP would hold an election.
and hear me out...
I think it would be best if the presidency is held by a player with no egg or not actively interacting with an egg.
because if history ever taught me anything, is that someone who managed to gain power would soon be faced with danger along with their loved ones.
idk I just think that maybe not all positive things would be gained from winning the election
#qsmp#qsmp election#dont mind me#maybe i'm just being paranoid#but you cold never be too safe in the qsmp
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