Encourage Autonomy
When our children get hooked on a position and we help them right away, they might feel some gratitude, but often feel helpless, worthless, resentful, frustrated, and/or angry.
We need to allow our children to do things for themselves, wrestle with their own problems, and learn from their own mistakes.
We need to help our children to see themselves as separate, responsible and competent.
Every day we have lots of opportunities to encourage autonomy – every small choice gives them a chance to exert control over their own lives.
To encourage autonomy:
§ Let our children make choices
“We're leaving in 5 min. Do you want to go on the slide one more time or on the swing”
“What would work best for you: doing your practice before dinner or after.”
Instead of a big commotion, u can offer your children a chance to practice making a choice :
“Do you want to stop drumming on the table here or go drum in your room
It's mommy and daddy's time to talk now. “
“Do you want to go to sleep now or play in your bed and call us when ur ready to be tucked in”
§ Show respect for their struggle
“tying shoelaces is hard and takes a lot of fancy finger work
Adding fractions can be hard. It's not easy to find the common denominator. “
§ Don't tell a child something is easy to encourage him since if he fails it's bad and if he succeeds it's not special
§ Don't take over and help. Just give useful info.
“Sometimes it helps if you do X before …”
When we respect our children`s struggle, they can easily gather the courage to solve their own problem
§ Don’t ask too many prying questions
Instead of a million questions about the day, just say “hi, I'm glad to see you
Welcome home”
Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one`s private life. children will talk about what they want when they want to talk about it
§ Don’t rush to answer questions
‘That's an interesting question. What do you think ?`
Let need to let our children explore the answer for themselves first
§ Encourage children to use external sources
“I'm still making inquiries. I'd also like you to ask around school for any recommendations’
“How would you like asking the teacher for a name of a senior who would tutor you just until you got caught up”
when our children don't depend on us. They can use the entire world for support.
§ Don’t take away hope by protecting them from disappointment
“So, you're going to try out for the lead. That should be an experience. “
“You think you might like to work as a sitter. Tell me about it. “
Allow children to have their own experience and hope instead of preparing for disappointment.
When we protect our children from disappointment, we block them from striving and dreaming and hoping
We are all embedded in a larger world, there are valuable resources waiting to be tapped, show them what is available for their use.
Note that it may be difficult to encourage autonomy from ourselves. When we are busy and impatient, it can be convenient to do things for our chidlren because it is quicker and it feels satisfying to be needed. This can take restraint and discipline to hold back.
More ways to encourage autonomy:
§ Respect their physical boundaries
§ Stay out of the minute details
§ Don’t talk about them in the third person in front of them
§ Let them answer their own questions
§ Show respect for their eventual readiness
§ Watch out for saying “no” too often
Alternatives to “no”:
§ Give information
Refrain from constantly brushing away hair etc.
§ Accept their feelings
How they sit or do homework ect.
Quit bugging them when it's there business
§ Describe the problem
Ex he wants to go out “I'd like to help you out; the problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour, what do u think we can do?”
Substitute yes whenever possible. “Yes certainly right after lunch”
§ Give yourself time to think instead of saying no u can say “let me think about it”
Instead of advice:
§ Help sort out tangled thoughts/feelings
§ Restate the problem as a question (and don’t answer immediately)
§ Point out external resources
Even if they don’t come up with their own answer, they’re more likely to give our ideas a fair hearing after feeling heard. Preface suggestions with “how would you feel if…” / “would you consider…” to acknowledge that your solution might be seen differently by them.
This doesn’t mean we can literally never do things for our children – listen to your sense first of whether they are in need or they can manage it on their own
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