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pinchofhoney · 1 year

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off my mind

read part two here »

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 3.5k

warning: i’m sure it’s an angst, at least i wish it was one. but there are some fluff moments as well<33

summary: You’re crazy in love with Ben, but what if deep down he knows he still has feelings for his past lover? He’s trying to convince himself he is over the past, because he doesn’t want to hurt you, not knowing you’re already hurted.

a/n: it’s a mess. this is my first one shot with ben. actually, this is my first fanfiction in a few years, so i hope it won’t be as bad as it could be. also, english isn’t my first language, so fasten your seat belts and let's begin this merry-go-round of (potential) embarrassment!!<33 the fic is inspired by one of the joe p songs.

While you go get another drink I'll think of ways to tell you I'm fine One more vodka soda Then you'll never even know that I'm lying

You watched Ben as he played with his glass of wine. It was your date night, but you couldn't shake the feeling that Ben would rather be somewhere else than the restaurant he took you to. He has been abroad for the past month, working on the next season of Shadow and Bone, and all your conversations have been limited to face time meetings. You missed him a lot and usually after long separations you couldn't get away from each other, but this time was different. You had the impression that his thoughts were everywhere else but with you. Maybe he was just tired?

The directors wanted the upcoming season of Shadow and Bone to be better, more powerful, and that every viewer would ultimately be satisfied with the direction taken. Everyone wanted to cope with the task given, so they often worked harder to make sure everything turned out perfectly. During the shoot there were not only new costumes and locations, but most importantly – new cast members. Ben got along with absolutely everyone, wanting the set to be their comfort place and you loved that. You were always enchanted by how he cared for others, putting himself not necessarily first. From the stories he told you during your phone calls, you heard that the new cast was amazing, and everyone quickly found their way into the new 'reality'. They seemed to be wonderful people, but one thing didn’t give you peace of mind. His ex-girlfriend, who, willy-nilly, was part of the new cast. You trusted Ben, you knew he loved you more than life, and he never gave you any other signals, but what if this past month spent with his former partner was what was on his mind at the moment? This was only the first month of work on the new season. What will happen next, if you were already insecure about his ex-girlfriend? She was everything you wanted to be, and down deep you didn't understand why, after his relationship with that girl ended, Ben fell in love with you.

You sent him a gentle smile, the moment he lifted his gaze from above the drink.

“Everything’s alright?” you asked, looking in his eyes with a hope to find there the unspoken answer.

“Of course it is” he replied, sending you an encouraging smile, then reached out his hand to catch yours. ‘‘Tell me, what did I miss while I was away? Did you find a gallery that agreed to exhibit your work?”

“You know I would let you know right away if one of my biggest dreams finally came true, right?”

You were a beginning painter who aspired to achieve great things, but the biggest problem was that no one was willing to let you do them. Despite collecting many compliments during your studies, no gallery, either smaller or larger, was interested in showing your works to a wider audience, so you were limited to an online activities enjoying what you had. Ben told you many times that he could use his popularity and recommend you in several familiar places, but you wanted to earn your success yourself. You didn't want to be associated with Ben Barnes. You wanted to be an independent artist Y/N Y/S/N. So that’s why you never stopped working hard, even at times when you wanted to give up.

“So maybe it’s time to let someone help you make those dreams come true?” he raised one of his eyebrows. At every mention of your grand plans you had this conversation, and each time it ended the same way – with your persistence that you would handle it on your own.

You knew that this time Ben was simply trying to steer the conversation away from his mood or what was on his mind, because for what other reason would he start this topic?

“Alright,” he finally said, seeing that you are not going to answer the asked question. “What would you say to a small trip this weekend?” Ben changed the subject again, sending you a mysterious smile.

“A trip?” you furrowed your eyebrows gently, to which he cheerfully nodded.

“I'm sure there are a few more places in the area that I've never shown you”

“Are you sure? We can just stay here and chill at our places. I know you’re tired of traveling after this last month”

“I’m fine, love. I want to make up to you the time I was absent”

Got myself another lover God I love her I'll never stop Take her out and drive around And show her all of our favorite spots

Ben parked the car in front of a small wooden house, standing in the shade of trees. Neither before the trip nor during the trip did he want to reveal where you were going. You didn't drive long, but the trip passed in a pleasant atmosphere. Both of you were in good moods, every now and then discussing lively to the accompaniment of soft music coming from the car radio. Watching the changing landscape through the window, you might have noticed how you left the hustle and bustle of the bustling city and entered a more wooded area on a countryside.

You got out of the car, looking around. Silence. Silence surrounded you, interrupted only by the rustling of leaves and the singing of birds. You looked at Ben, who also left the car and headed to the trunk for your bags, with a wide smile.

“What is this place?” you began, walking closer to him. “You never bragged about a house in the middle of nowhere” you were so happy that you immediately wanted to hug the man next to you. You felt again as you did at the beginning of your relationship, and the worries that were in your head during the last date did not further occupy your attention.

The only thing you didn't know yet was that the cottage you were heading to, was a cottage where Ben had a lot of memories with his ex-partner.

“It’s not over yet” he said, smiling mysteriously, stepping closer to the wooden door. “You will fall in love with this place, I promise” Arriving at the door, he stopped and looked at you, not letting go of your luggage. “The keys are in the pocket”

“What pocket?” You asked gently wrinkling your eyebrows, not knowing what he was talking about. Your pocket?

“My pocket” He replied laughing. Amused by this absurd situation, you rolled your eyes and reached into one of the pockets of his jacket. “Not this one”

“You know it would be faster if you put the bags on the ground and took them out yourself, right?” You asked, hugging him as you checked his other pocket, and after just a moment you pulled out the ringing keys. You put them in the lock and after a while your eyes met a cozy wooden interior, straight out of a magazine about mountain cabins.

“You're more than welcome” Ben said, letting you pass in front of him. You took a few steps so that he, too, could go inside, and looked around the small space, which by its appearance brought to mind the word home.

“It’s beautiful” you said quietly, amazed by the coziness of this place.

“Come with me” he replied after setting your bags down on the ground. He led you to the other side of the cabin, where your eyes saw huge windows with a view on a small lake and a wooden platform.

“Are you kidding me?” you asked, moving closer to the window. Ever since you were a little girl, you've dreamed of having your own little place in the middle of the woods, where you could escape from your adult life and take a break, or even create your own tiny art.

You felt Ben's strong arms wrapping around your waist from behind and a gentle kiss on your shoulder. “So you like it?”

“Of course I do” You replied, turning to face him with a smile spreading across your lips. You put yours arms around his neck, which he immediately took advantage of and kissed you. You responded to his kiss, smiling at the same time. At that moment you were incredibly happy. Even though you were only going to spend a weekend at the cottage, you knew it’ll be a nice time where you’ll be able focus on each other. Without any unnecessary distractions.

“Are you hungry?” asked Ben, moving away from you a short distance so that he can look at you, but you had other plans. You immediately hugged him, resting your head on his chest, to which he snickered, wrapping his arms tighter around you.

“I am, a little bit. Do you remember when we cooked parmigiana di melanzane before you left?” you asked, to which he only confirmedly murmured, being more focused on your presence in his arms. “Let’s make it again. And then we can eat outside, by the lake”

“Alright. So I'll jump in for a quick groceries, and you can make yourself at home. The bedroom is upstairs” he replied, but neither of you felt like moving.

You stood hugging each other like that for a moment, until Ben started humming your favorite song, jam out both of you to its rhythm. Eventually the rocking turned into more expressive movements, and just moments later you were both singing laughing and dancing in front of the huge window. It was a moment that will forever remain in your mind. You felt as if you were taking part in a scene straight out of a romantic comedy. But maybe that's what life with an actor is like.

After singing most of the song, you finally came to the conclusion that it was time to carry out your culinary idea. Ben placed a quick kiss on your forehead and, saying goodbye, headed to the car.

Left to yourself, you looked around again. You were standing in a small living room, which was connected to a lovely decorated kitchen. The next thing you noticed was the equally small hall and staircase leading to the floor previously mentioned by Ben. His apartment in the city center had a completely different design. Sure, it was cozy and you enjoyed spending time there, but this cottage set a slightly different mood. You wondered if he hired specialists to prepare this interior or if you just discovered a side of him that you didn't know about until now. Taking another look at the forest landscape, you went to get your not-so-heavy bags and headed with them to the bedroom.

After entering the sunny bedroom, the first thing you noticed was the large bed standing under the window. It was full of pillows and looked like a place you don't want to leave in the morning. The bedroom, like the rest of the cottage, looked very cozy, and the surrounding sounds of nature made you feel as if you had entered another world. You decided to unpack your bags, even if you didn't stay here long. You put the bags on the bed and slowly began to put the clothes into the dresser, standing opposite the bed. You were almost finished when you unfortunate snagged your bag with your hand, which fell on the fluffy carpet lying next to the bed. A few things that were still in the bag slipped out of it, falling under the bed. You let out an annoyed murmur and, after putting away the things held in your hand in the closet, you knelt on the carpet to pick up the spilled lost items. Pulling the last thing out from under the bed, you also pulled out a medium-sized box that immediately caught your attention. You were curious about what was inside and it even crossed your mind to look into it, but in the end you decided to put it away. It didn't belong to you and whatever was inside, you didn't want to invade Ben's privacy.

After two hours of cooking together, the oven timer let you know that it was time to take out your dinner. You were pretty convinced that if it weren't for the constant snacking and fooling around with Ben, you would have been ready sooner, but the man who is the love of your life couldn't keep his hands to himself. In the meantime, you carried the table that was in the 'dining' area along with the chairs onto the wooden platform. You set out plates and wine glasses, as well as candles found in one of the cabinets to give the dinner a more romantic mood, which was quite amusing looking at the fact that both you and Ben were dressed in old, comfortable sweatpants.

Spending time with Ben made you feel like you were a teenager again. Admittedly, you were younger than him, but doing anything with him brought you childlike joy. The thought of your age brought you back to his past lover, about whom you were worried just a few days ago. She wasn’t younger. She was his age and she was a beautiful woman with blonde hair. It's always the blondes, right?

“Y/N?” you suddenly heard Ben's concerned voice, which woke you from your thoughts.

“Yes?” you immediately raised your eyes to him, realizing that you had been staring at the wine that was in your glass.

“Everything’s alright?” he asked, wrinkling his eyebrows in worry. “It felt like you suddenly disappeared from this reality” he joked, to which you sent him a soft smile.

“Yes, sorry… I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you”

“Yeah? You seemed more worried” he replied. You shook your head and just shrug it off as a sign for him to forget about it.

“What’s in the box under the bed?” you suddenly asked, at which Ben raised one of his eyebrows.

“In the box under the bed?” all of a sudden you had the impression that the expression on his face had changed slightly. You knew every millimeter of his body, and now something seemed different. “Why do you ask? How did you even find it?” he asked, straightening up in his chair.

You got the impression that the mentioned box should not be discovered by you. Maybe it was some kind of surprise? “I was just wondering" you replied confused. “A few things slipped out of my bag and fell under the bed. But I didn't look inside” after you said the last sentence, you noticed that Ben relaxed again. He just nodded and took a glass of wine in his hand.

“Forget it” he replied and took a sip of the red drink. Something was off, but you tried not to think about it. You didn't want to ruin the mood with made-up theories for both yourself and Ben.

Finally, late at night, both of you decided to go to bed. You were overjoyed at how comfortable it was and immediately snuggled up to Ben. Both of you were tired, so you thought you would fall asleep quickly, but it seemed that sleep was not coming to either of you. The sudden change in mood between the two of you at dinner did not give you a break. However, you didn't know what was in Ben's head, although you wish you did, especially since he had returned from filming.

“I can’t sleep” you finally said. In response, you heard your boyfriend sigh.

“Me neither”

He pulled himself up to a sitting position, making you move away from him and he turned on a small bedside lamp standing on his side of the bed. Ben looked at you with tired eyes, and after just a moment a smile passed across his face. After just a moment, he unexpectedly attacked you with tickles. He knew how to make you laugh all over in a second. You hated to be tickled. You were easily susceptible to them, and you knew that then all control over you was taken by Ben, because you turned into one big laughing mess. He finally stopped, leaning over you with a huge smile. Then he gave you bunch of little kisses all over your face, making you giggling and blushing again.

“I love you” he said, looking in your eyes.

You ran over every millimeter of his face, finally stopping your gaze at his eyes. Finally, you reached out and placed your hand on the back of his neck, stroking his hair with your thumb. “I love you too, Ben” you sent him a smile and pulled him in for a kiss. Once again you forgot all your worries, losing yourself in the kisses given to you by your lover.

But it's okay Yeah it's alright 'Cause I'm too far from you to fall in love tonight

The next morning you woke up in an empty bed. The sunlight coming from the window above your head was bright and warm. You reached for your phone, lying on the bedside table, and looked at the time. It was barely after 7:00AM. Where was Ben? After getting out of bed, you pulled socks over your feet and wrapped yourself in a blanket lying near the bed. Yawning, you left the bedroom and looked around the hall. You didn't hear any sounds anywhere suggesting that your boyfriend was inside. You walked down the stairs and then went to the kitchen to drink water. On your way there, you noticed through the window Ben standing on the platform by the lake, with a medium-sized cardboard box standing by his leg. Wasn't it the box you found under the bed yesterday? You curious left the wooden cabin and headed towards the man. The closer you got, the more it seemed to you that Ben was burning some pieces of paper pulled from a box by the lake and throwing the scraps into the water.

He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice when you got next to him. “What are you doing?” you asked, looking thoughtfully at the burning photo in his hand. Hearing your voice he twitched out of his mind and looked at you, throwing burning paper into the water. “What’s that?” you asked when Ben didn’t answer. You squatted by the box and took out a few things from it. You saw some scribbled sheets of paper and photos, showing Ben with his blonde ex-girlfriend working on the house, which was behind your back. You furrowed your eyebrows, not knowing what to think about the box's contents, and you looked up at your boyfriend.

“That’s Julie” he started. “We kinda… built this cabin together” you get up, once again looking at the photos held in your hands. “She was responsible for the entire interior design of this place and every corner of it reminds me of her”

You stood there in silence, all the time looking at Ben. You really didn't know what you should think about the things he was telling you.

“I'm starting to think that coming here was a mistake” he took the photos you were holding out of your hands, dropped them into a box, and then threw the whole thing into the lake. Then he turned and headed inside, leaving you on the platform.

His words made you feel a small pinch in your heart. Not necessarily the ones that everything reminds him of her, but the ones that coming here with you was a mistake. You were happy in here with him and you though he was happy with you as well, but now your mind was a huge mess. Have you had a moment of intimacy in bed that reminds him of her, too? Who was he thinking about last night? You looked around at the nature around you, keeping your eyes on the sinking box for a while longer.

“Ben?” you asked, entering the cottage. You saw him in the kitchen, resting against the kitchen counter, hanging his head down. Hearing your voice, he raised his head, letting the accumulated air out of his lungs.

“Remember the last time you said that we could stay in the city? That we don't need to do anything special, because spending time together will be enough” you nodded, remembering your words as you spoke in the restaurant. “Can we go back there earlier than Monday? And stay at your place?”

“Of course” you replied as you approached him.

“I’m sorry…” he said wrapping his arms around you.

You didn't know what to answer. You were still uncomfortable with the situation. You were uncomfortable with the idea that another woman was in your boyfriend's head. The woman whose place you had taken.

All the happy memories that were stuck in your head yesterday were suddenly flooded with gray and at the thought of them continuing to work together, you feel sick.

part two »

#joep #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes x you #ben barnes x y/n #ben barnes #ben barnes imagine #angs #fluff #ben barnes angst #ben barnes fluff #shadow and bone #off my mind #imagine #one shot #x reader

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