#It wasn't illness it was something to do with organ failure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neos-schlond-poofa · 3 months

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UGH GARROTH HAS BEEN ON MY MIND LATELY BUT MAINLY HIM IN MY REWRITE which i REALLY need to organize one day but. i feel like aphblr appreciates hearing about rewrites a lot so. ill just ramble a bit.

i accidentally made one of garroth's core themes in the rewrite fatherhood.

firstly, he was the most positive male figure that vylad and zane had in their lives. as he got older, he felt more and more protective of them, he didnt want them becoming like his father, the same man that garroth is the splitting image of. he cant repeat the sins of his father, he has to make them better.

but then vylad literally dies and zane becomes an evil priest. so great. he failed.

and then he has to be in an arranged marriage?? not cool. so you know, he fakes his death, so does his arranged marriage fiance, and now theres a huge war, and hes hiding in a run-down village with the help of his former friend from a neighboring village. and he becomes close friends with the lord's secretive wife. she doesn't go out much, she much prefers to stay inside and read her books.

and one day, it blossoms into more.

garroth hates this. a secret relationship with the lord's wife? but, he loves her. and she loves him. their nights are filled with conversations of guilt.

and then, she tells him that she's pregnant.

they stop seeing each other, she hides her pregnancy from the village, her husband is enthusiastic. he's unaware of what's going on, and nine months pass and their child is born, the citizens of phoenix drop blissfully living their lives, not knowing a future lord had just been born. an illegitimate child.

garroth can't care for his son, and he never even learns the name. she stops visiting him, and it hurts him.

but althroughout this time, a young man named zenix came across phoenix drop. probably around eighteen years old, no more than twenty. scarred and traumatized from something he never told garroth about.

and so, garroth takes him in, and treats him like a son. he trains him to become a guard and garroth feels content. he's finally succeeding at this. he's helping someone become a better person! he's an important figure in someone's life!

and during this joyous period of his life, the lord is killed, and his wife is missing. the village was never told about the child, and chaos erupts. garroth and zenix must take control of the town as people begin to leave. garroth mourns the son he never got to connect with.

one day on patrol, a lady runs into the village, seemingly insane and claiming that a weird hooded figure was watching her and so she chased them. garroth and zenix helped her out, and out of the kindness of her heart, decided to repay them by completely helping the village out. this lady who barely even had any memories, who couldn't read or write that well, who was still learning about the history of the world, had taken the struggles of the villagers and put them into her heart, channeling their frustrations into constant work to rebuild the broken village.

it's going well, until, all of a sudden, a villager is attacked in the night and is near death. she saves him, and garroth decides to investigate what happened.

and then he is shot.

by his "adoptive" son.

pain of all types soar throughout garroth's body. he failed again. whatever he did with zenix, it wasn't good enough, and this was his karma.

and yet, he lived. and the knowledge of his failures followed him around as he tried to do any action for months. he hoped it would get better.

then one day, aphmau discovers a child at her door. a baby, one that can't even crawl yet. she discovers a note; his name is levin. she cares for him and brings him around the village, and garroth, in spite of his previous failures of being a father figure, vows to help the woman he loves raise a child, that unbeknownst to him, is his own biological child that vylad saved.

garroth has his suspicions as levin grows, but brushes it off and takes it to be a coincidence. he helps zoey, an elf aphmau had become close friends with, raise levin when aphmau went on her journeys. he taught him how to call aphmau mom!

aphmau has a journey one day and that day turns into weeks. garroth and laurance, his closest friend, search for her and discover she has adopted a ghost child and found another guard. a guard the similar age of zenix.

garroth is hesitant, but warms up to dante, and he and laurance act like father figures to the young guard without intending to. it comes naturally for garroth; laurance just follows his lead. and of course, garroth helps with aphmau's new child. he's making a difference again, he's helping!

and then, an illusion fools him and he falls into a depression. it hurts. he shouldn't be like this, he is supposed to be strong. he is the head guard. yet here he is, letting his emotions get in the way.

he wouldn't mind if laurance and aphmau got together, but to see them do so in private? knowing very well his feelings for both of them? it hurts. they must know what they are doing, there is no other way.

a mysterious lady comes by and offers to help garroth. over time, his memory becomes blurry until he ultimately blacks out. he lacks any autonomy now and attacks laurance. he causes his closest friends to be transported to a dangerous alternate dimension... all because of his own emotions. and to make matters worse, that lady wasn't just someone to help. it was someone hired by zane. the first person he failed to save.

the lady is killed and laurance's words cut through the spell cast on garroth. he has no idea what is happening, but he knows its his fault. he did something bad. and when a portal appears, he urges for them to go on as he fights off zane. he couldn't leave zane there; someone had to stop him from escaping, becoming more powerful, or even achieving what is basically immortality.

the minute that passes in the dimension until his rescue is daunting. flashes into another world where he reunites with aphmau give him hope, but they stop. and he loses his faith. there is no more zane could gain from being in this dimension, if anyone were to open the dimension, they would easily be able to attack him, no unprepared person would dare to do such a risky thing.

and so, he lets zane hit him. a deep cut in the back causes garroth to scream in pain, and he's close to dying.

aphmau returns. she heals him in their world, and he lies about his intentions, and returns to fighting his brother.

little does he know, laurance and aphmau had a few too much to drink one night recently, and made decisions they regret. they won't dare to tell him until much later, they can't risk hurting him, especially in such a vulnerable moment.

the guilt eats them alive. it is worsened by laurance's growing shadow knight urges. they're becoming borderline uncontrollable. its a living nightmare. he can't imagine hurting aphmau, no. he loves her. and he realizes that if she keeps worrying about garroth, she will hurt herself.

he comes to a decision.

he finds a way to open the portal and saves garroth, but costing the lives of himself and zane in the process. garroth is unconcious; he sees a glimpse of laurance, but is unaware of his death until he wakes up. he doesn't believe it, he wants to run, but he can't. his body aches. he's trapped.

aphmau visits him once before retreating to her bedroom for the next few weeks. they both go silent. they couldn't imagine losing laurance, yet here they were.

as garroth gets better, zoey allows for people to visit him. and there, he sees dante for the first time.

he's gotten much older.

there's barely visible wrinkles and blemishes on his face. someone he viewed as a son has aged beyond garroth and it's hard to handle. was this how laurance felt?

and then he sees levin.

he gets it now, this was his son, and he missed his life too. he failed. it hurts all too much, how dare he let his emotions get the best of him. if he had just talked to someone, maybe everything would be okay now.

aphmau eventually drops the news to garroth once they both got better that she's pregnant, and laurance is the father.

he's not mad.

he's broken over the news.

not over the fact that the two people he loved the most got with each other, but the fact that laurance will miss out on seeing his own child grow up, the same way garroth had done with levin.

garroth makes another vow to aphmau. he promises to help raise laurance's kid. he will be there for them.

he won't fail this time.

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angelahmonroe · 2 months

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How do you stay motivated to keep writing when you have no inspiration??

How I Stay Motivated

Staying motivated to write takes a lot of work. Motivation to write will come and go. For example:

The Kingdom of Misfortune (TKOM): It took me 6 years to write this book, mostly because I wasn't motivated. I was in high school, then college, suffering through an illness and losing an entire organ in my digestive tract. But I now know tips that would've saved me so much more time if I had just followed them.

The Whispers of Eternity (TWOE): It took me a year to fully finish this book.

The new secret series: The first book took me three months.

So, I have some tricks I've learned since 2021, when I released TKOM, which I will happily share.

Outlining.

When I wrote TKOM, I did it entirely off the dome. At the time, I didn't see a problem with that, but I experimented with some outlining with TWOE and learned that it really does wonders. It does more than I thought it would. Outlining sets an expectation. It allows me to know where this chapter will start, what it will contain, and where it will end. Of course, sometimes my characters throw me a curveball, and we go off the outline. That is okay because outlines can be adjusted. Another thing outlining really helps me with is if you go a few days without writing and need help remembering precisely what a character says, you don't have to go hunt for what chapter it's in. In my outline, I give a brief one-sentence description of a conversation. "They talked about his childhood," for example. That tells me if I need to remember what was said, that is the chapter I need to reread. It saves me so much time. You just need to be good at summarizing the entire chapter within one short paragraph.

Set Goals.

You can set goals that you want to meet and hold yourself to it. Could you start with small goals that you want to accomplish each day? This could be as simple as writing 3,000 words a day. Could you give yourself a time limit each day to achieve these goals? I set harsh deadlines for myself to follow with TWOE. I wanted the first rough draft completed within five months. I accomplished that even though I wasn't motivated each day because I stuck to my goals. Do not set yourself up for failure by setting unreasonable goals. You know yourself better than anyone else. What works for some people will not work for you, which is okay. Just because I wrote the first draft of a book in three months does not mean that's reasonable for you. This is my third one, after all.

Take Breaks.

Taking breaks is essential. It keeps you from getting burnt out on your ideas. Sometimes, you cannot force writing. It's okay to put a project down for a little bit. You must be confident in your ability to shelve something to work on something else. For example, I shelved book 3 of The Western World Chronicles for an entirely new series. I knew I wasn't in the right place to write it. Don't force it. Return when your mind is fresh and ready to continue. Breaks don't have to be long, either. Short breaks are just as helpful. Days, weeks, months. They're all valid.

Avoid Distractions.

Sometimes, you just need to lock yourself in a quiet room with no TV, music, or anything else. I can't write if my husband is in the room. He's my biggest distraction, and multiple times, I have had to lock him out of the room. Of course, this requires money, but some people work best if they travel to a remote place specifically to write. I would love to be able to afford to travel to the places where my new series takes place. It has multiple settings all over the US and even the rest of the world. I'd love to write these chapters in these places and experience what life is like there. Greece and Dubai are two areas directly mentioned in the new series. I've never been to either.

Reward Yourself.

Each time you meet one of your goals, reward yourself. Go get ice cream! Order a new book! Set up a gold star chart for yourself like they do kindergartens. Do whatever will make you feel accomplished.

Write Everyday.

I don't mean to write your story every day. Just write something every day. There are multiple places to go to get free writing prompts. Do one every day. Make it a habit and stick to it.

Enter Writing Contests.

Shockingly, I still do this. Reedsy, for example, has writing contests. You do have to pay to enter for a chance at a prize, but if you just want to enter a story for others to read but not to be judged or do the prompt, it is entirely free. You can enter hundreds of other contests; you just have to find them.

Find Inspiration.

Sometimes, inspiration doesn't flow. In the writing space, there is no such thing as a completely original idea. There are too many books and authors for that. If you've drawn inspiration from something for your current project, please feel free to soak it up. Each time you're feeling unmotivated, return to it. You can also look for similar titles in the same genre and check them out. Do not copy, though. Copying and taking inspiration from are two different things.

Take Care of Yourself.

My most important tip is that you should ALWAYS take care of yourself. Make sure you've eatenand drink water or another liquid while you write. Take care of your body. Take a shower. Go to the gym. These things help you not only physically but also mentally.

There are more tips. I am sure I could come up with another five, but these are the ones I use daily. I think they are the most important ones to follow.

I hope this helps :D

-Angela

#books #writing #creative writing #writing tips

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lets-donate-a-kidney · 5 months

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Reasons to Donate a Kidney

You can make terrible, terrible kidney puns, and no one can stop you from kidney-ing around.

The average lifespan on dialysis is only 5-10 years. You might extend someone's life by 20 years or more!

Dialysis is painful, exhausting, prevents a person from holding a regular work schedule or traveling, and weakens their body over time. Eventually, it fails. You'd be freeing someone to have a normal life.

You aren't just helping the recipient: you're giving something priceless to all the friends and family members who care about that person.

Kidneys from living donors have a higher success rate than kidneys from deceased donors, and last for twice as long!

You might start a kidney chain, in which multiple people receive kidneys! The longest chain on record gave kidneys to over 100 people - and was started by a stranger who didn't know any of them.

Over 80,000 people in the USA alone need a kidney transplant, and several thousand die every year waiting for one. But if even just 1 in 1000 adults donated a kidney, we could wipe out the waiting list overnight.

Kidneys almost always fail in pairs. Your chance of kidney failure isn't much higher with one kidney compared to two.

You get cool donation scars to show people!

Kidney donors actually live longer than the general population, and have a lower rate of kidney failure! Why? Because the screening process for kidney donation screens out potential illnesses early, and kidney donors are more likely to take care of their bodies afterward.

If your remaining kidney does fail, you'll be put at the top of the kidney wait-list, and spend much less time on dialysis. As a result, kidney donors actually have a higher survival rate for kidney failure than non-donors.

The National Kidney Registry also lets kidney donors extend this waitlist benefit to several friends and relatives, in case any of them ever have kidney failure.

The risk of long-term complications from kidney donation is extremely low. Most people can start walking within a day of surgery, go back to work in 1-2 weeks, and are back to 100% within a month.

Doctors and nurses LOVE doing living donor transplants! The success rate is high, complications are low, there's none of the tragedy associated with postmortem transplants, and for once their patients are eager to be there. And, as my nephrologist said, "It's a lot more rewarding than prescribing Viagra!"

It's a way to put a little more kindness into the world, and your example might inspire others, too.

In the USA, all costs for surgery and screenings are covered by the recipient's health insurance or Medicaid/Medicare; you as the donor will not have to pay for it. You can also get reimbursement for lost income through the National Kidney Registry.

Most people will have to get surgery and spend a night in the hospital anyway if they live long enough. Donating an organ lets you have this experience on your terms, while you're healthy, so hospitalization won't be scary or overwhelming if you need it later in life.

You'll learn new things about your body! I discovered that I had an extra vein on the left side of my torso, and that my hemoglobin levels were low. The vein is harmless and cool, but the hemoglobin thing (and taking iron supplements for it) actually helped me avoid developing an iron deficiency later.

It's a chance to be part of something bigger than yourself - a miracle of modern science!

I won't say donating a kidney was "easy," but I will say it was 95% waiting on people, 4% letting doctors and nurses talk at me, and 1% letting them stick me with needles. The hardest part wasn't pain, or fear, but sitting around tired for a couple days.

You probably won't have to make many modifications to your lifestyle after kidney donation. Literally the only activity I was told to avoid was contact sports, and if I'm in pain I take acetaminophen instead of ibuprofen.

You can get a tattoo that says "Some parts may be missing," or "Organ donation - it takes guts!" and a kidney pillow souvenir.

If donating while alive isn't right for you, you can still sign up to be a postmortem organ donor, and increase awareness of living donation! Remember, it would only take a small percentage of people donating to make a BIG difference!

#kidney donation #kidney donor #organ donation

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shatteredsoul1998 · 3 months

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Random bought of original content?

Postmortal L-

A game over is never a fun experience, but what if you never got one...? In an early build of SMB3, this was a reality. Code had not yet been put in to 'game over' Luigi, and in this certain copy, it was never added. Once given to the public, these certain copies of the game caused a buzz, the people loved it. Upon reaching your last life and dying, you would be brought into a 'negative life' instead of getting a Game Over. Due to people shortly after getting 1-ups, however, they missed a certain part of what happened... Every time a life went negative, Luigi decayed more and more. Growing slower as he rotted away slowly... Now, only one copy exists, and nobody quite knows where it is... But this Luigi loves to socialize with the other EXEs. Despite being in extreme pain, despite having every reason to hate the world... He didn't. He was still Luigi, maybe slow, but he was himself... He decided to test how many times he could 'die' before he couldn't move. He got to -27 lives, at that point being little more than a skeleton with rotten flesh drapped over it. However, it is speculated as long as an atom of him remains, large amounts of 1-ups can heal him back to his regular state, though, nothing more.

(DOMAIN: MX's)

Doctor's Cure-

Have you ever had someone you care for become sick when they should be perfectly fine? Well, one plumber turned doctor definitely felt this when his love, the princess, fell terribly ill due to problems with her organs... Thankfully, this doctor knew what to do! He had a patient well know for being healthy, besides some bugs, and fed her pills to get rid of the bugs! Only... This time, the bugs weren't the normal ones he was targeting... He was using sedatives to break down her will to stay awake, and in the end, she passed out. The doctor did an operation while she slept, replacing Peaches organs with this lady's, as she was a perfect match. He gave the lady crappy organs, however, not Peaches, and kept her knocked out until the wounds healed. After a few weeks, the lady woke up, was told she was in a coma and went her own way. Though, her body never really worked as well... And she swore that scar wasn't there before... The doctor, however, would do this often from then on, healing any person he cared about by limiting another...

(DOMAIN: MX's)

Another Life For Her-

It has been a few days since Mario has arrived. She knows this. She floats near him at all times, a ghost he cannot see. She watches his successes, failures, everything. Her body, as she found it, was up and moving. Seems the original her was forced out... Mario, despite being interesting to watch, doesn't quite understand something... When he dies, he is hurting her. Peach feels searing pain, somewhere on her ghostly form, and Mario's face with an X over it appears. Branding her. Every time he dies, he spends another life for her, yet, each life he spends hurts her... So far, she has 14 burns, and he isn't even halfway done with saving her, going in and out of paintings...

(DOMAIN: MX's)

#my au #original character #mario exe #horror mario #marios madness #mario 85 #mario madness #nintendo's world

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vivalavillain · 4 months

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{For @cosmiicmultimuse. Continued from here.}

He lifted his shoulders in something like nonchalance, despite the dejected look that edged in around the outline of his face.

"I doubt there's enough good in the world to completely wash away Rocket's sins but, as you say, who knows? Colress was once tied with an organization whose name still darkens doorsteps in Unova and he seems liked well enough these days. Perhaps I'll get lucky."

His enthusiasm seems manufactured at best but he brushes past the subject all the same.

"I don't believe I was in Galar at the time of that particular incident and, to be quite honest, when my quest to bring the Dynamax phenomenon here ultimately ended in failure, I stopped paying close attention to what was going in the region. It sounds like everything ended up wrapped in a neat little bow, though, so I suppose that's all that matters."

Wasn't that just the way? He had no doubt that if he looked into the matter, he would find another plucky protagonist at the helm of taking down the imminent threat. He'd failed often enough and paid attention close enough to notice the trend when it came to anyone who dared pose a threat to the status quo. One might think he'd be bitter after all his ill-fated luck with his own machinations-- and, perhaps, this endeavor with Silver proved that he actually was-- but he had the good grace to keep it to himself.

"So tell me, what have you been doing in my absence? I'm curious what adventures you got up to while I was away. Anything of note?"

#cosmiicmultimuse #so you're fool enough to go against us is that it? || archer #trimmable reblogs wouldn't let me touch the old post for some reason so here we are.

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ftmtftm · 4 months

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hello! Anon who sent prev answered ask. In hindsight that was p weird and definitely tinged with some internal bias. Sorry. I was moreso trying to ask how queer people get into this kind of exclusionsticky mindset that’s also tinged with “my marginalization is Thee most important and entitles me to violence to secure my safety at the expense of others”. How transmascs and fems get to “trans[group I’m not in] oppress me” the pipeline and all that, since you’ve spoken on transmed-esque radicalization in the past. However the fact that I turned from gender-based examples to Zionism betrays some inner antisemitism I need to take notice of. My bad

Thank you anon, I appreciate the apology and I do see your intentions now! I'm sorry it took me a couple of hours to answer this follow up.

Admittedly, my guard has been up more lately as I recently I got another round of pretty intense, nasty, TERF anons because a nasty reblog of one of my posts got picked up again - So an amount of my initial response was me being on guard and betraying some of my own personal standards for wanting to assume good intent. I'm sorry for jumping the gun and I'm glad the ask wasn't explicitly ill-intended.

I do see the comparison you were attempting to make in regards to radicalization now, so I'll break down why it didn't necessarily read in the way you intended.

The biggest thing set off my bait alarm was actually the power imbalance of the comparisons in your ask. Comparing transmisogynist trans men (a decently sized, but comparatively small, unorganized, broad, and personally motivated category of individuals) to TERFs and Zionists (two large, more organized, specific, and politically motivated extremist ideologies/movements) is really imbalanced and it's a type of imbalance often invoked by people intentionally trying to get a raise out of someone - Hence why it came across as bait.

A couple other more minor things in the ask also contributed, like just general phrasing, but I do think that's less grounded and more indicative of recent biases on my end, rather than a failure to communicate on your end honestly. As previously stated, my alarm system is very sensitive at the moment and I didn't give your ask as much intense thought as I usually would and I do apologize again for that!

(...like the asks I still have sitting in my askbox because I want to give them my full attention - If you've sent me a detailed ask about theory between just before the New Year and now I promise I'm not ignoring you!! I just want to actually sit down and answer your asks robustly)

To actually get to the meat of your actual ask though: I do think that on a base level you're absolutely correct in identifying that the motivation is similar. It is all very "My marginalization entitles me to violence to secure my own safety" and that kind of thinking can lead to even further radicalization that turns into more serious, explicit political extremism if left unchecked.

I'm, honestly, not very familiar with the specific ways trans men are radicalized into explicitly transmisogynist beliefs though - at least not in ways that aren't directly connected to transmedicalism. I can absolutely make some educated guesses, but it's not something I'd feel incredibly confident talking about at length as it's not really something I have a lot of experience with - both personally and academically.

Broadly speaking though, in terms of that kind of radicalization as a whole, there's a lot of insecurity and there's a lot of projection. I think that's one of the roots of most bigotry. Fear and insecurity and lack of stability/support. It's my general opinion that when you become so afraid for your own social position that you trample on the positions others to try at secure your own, it's a sign that whatever system is failing you is also failing them. You wouldn't feel so threatened if you didn't feel like there was a social status you could "fall lower" into. I think that's a large, subconscious motivator in most bigotry.

There's definitely more to the specifics that I feel less confident commenting on just because of my own lack of direct knowledge and experience, but that's my two cents generally speaking!

#asks #anon #long post /

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ex-furry · 2 years

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i can find some amount of solace in the knowledge that my mom isn't in pain anymore. she isn't dealing with sickness every day. she isn't juggling depression with the things her body is putting her through.

a few days before she died, she told two of my aunts that she wanted peace and "to be out of this body." it was one of her rare moments of clarity, a brief second during which her liver failure didn't block her actual thoughts. we figured that, while she could have meant general peace—a break from the constant beeping and the nurses sticking her with random things and the blood pressure cuff squeezing her arm every fifteen minutes—there was an understanding among all of us that it went deeper than that. she knew that none of this was going to stop, even if the link that they made to fix her bowel had healed and her liver had started to function a bit more. it would have been months of recovery, just like it was before. she didn't want to go through that again.

there was a fairly long period between her liver transplant in 2013 and her second run-in with cirrhosis where she was able to live a normal life. she could think clearly, work in a field she cared deeply about, advocate for organ donation, and go anywhere she wanted. she was even able to go on our trip to california in 2016, which involved a lot of walking. after her knee replacement in 2019 and the subsequent heart failure she experienced, though, things began to get more difficult again. she had to quit her job because she was falling asleep at the office. covid certainly didn't help with her health, but she was still able to paint in 2020, which became a hobby of hers. she stopped being able to paint as much sometime last year.

it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly when it got really difficult again. i tried to push my knowledge of her illness away. i wanted to fix it by ignoring it. i thought i could do it. it got too bad to ignore after i graduated college in may of this year. her emotions were constantly changing; she'd snap at me in the morning for not doing something she told me to do, but she'd apologize that night. this cycle repeated many, many times. i know she didn't mean any of it now. i hate that it took this for me to realize that.

she was also confused more regularly. her sleep schedule was horrible. i would sometimes wake up and go to the bathroom at 4am and she'd be wide awake, my dad asleep and snoring loudly next to her. they argued a lot more, too. when she was clearheaded, it was obvious that she loved him more than anyone else. when she wasn't, though, she would get irritated when he would tell her that she had to take her medication, she had to get up and use her left knee so it could get better. when we were at the hospital just two weeks ago, this was still the case. it had gotten worse, actually, because she was so out of it. my dad said that he'd learned to not take it personally. he's not lying. he has always loved her so much. he always will.

my mom also told my aunts that she just wanted her kids to be okay. she didn't want us to be upset. i don't think i'll ever be able to fulfill that second wish for her. i'm trying my hardest to make the first one come true, though, as much as i can.

i would take having her here with me over everything else, but i'm glad that she's at peace now. she never deserved to have to go through nine years of bouncing between doctors just to end up in the same situation she was in at the beginning. i'm glad we got that extra nine years, though. i'm glad she was able to advocate for others, see me and my brother grow up, and experience life after her liver transplant. i couldn't be more grateful for that time, even if i wish that we could have had more.

#💜🐞

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smuggonifico-lmao · 3 months

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Wellp I guess that Ill just post some backstory snippets of my Totk/Botw X Hermitcraft AU which basically focuses on Scar with unlabeled Mumscarian as like, kinda shipping later? Ngl that needs at least time until part 4 or something until theyreestablished- anyway!

Less blabbering, more "Oh boy what bullshit did Scar do here?" where we meet Jellie (Uppercase) :> The UPPERCASE is a very, very important detail

Ill link the refs for everyone here if u wanna check them out!

Enjoy the story below the cut!

Scar had done a lot of stupid things in his life.

He once had decided to climb a tree when he was six years old, full of vigor and bodily strength unlike how he was now. Mumbo had told him to not do it, to just get going and bring back the things they were supposed to get from the store. But Scar just had to climb it and see the sights from above, to see what was on the horizon and feel the wind blow through his hair.

Yet, when he slipped from the branch he was perched upon, he felt his life rush by in front of own two eyes. The last thing he had heard was Mumbo’s loud scream, calling for an adult.

He had to live with a broken arm for the next six weeks and a lot of scolding not only from their caretaker, but also from Mumbo.

He had tried to do things he shouldn't have, had swam in his mistakes and failures like it was second nature. But this one had to take the cake, out of every single stupid, horrendously stupid thing he had ever done.

Scar had only traveled for around two months, getting acquainted with villages and stables all around the country. While he still got looks while using his aids, he had been getting warm welcomes in almost every place he had gotten to visit up until now. So when he left New Serenne Stable with a light heart, he was already looking forward to meeting the people from Outskirt stable, almost finishing his stops at all the stables around Hyrule Field. With Jelly on his back and his wagon packed, he rode on forwards, passing between the rock formations of Demise’s Breach. While it might have housed monsters and creatures of the night years ago, now it was just a calm path along the side of a small canyon.

He smiled to himself when Jelly purred, turning around to scratch behind her ears.

The slow trot of the horses at his front was joined by birds flapping their wings, whistling around the small canyon. The wagon behind him shook a couple of times as it ran over some rocks but he trusted it enough to hold itself together. A small chuckle escaped him as Jellie stretched with a big yawn and jumped on his lap, tucking her paws underneath herself and loafing on it. And while he gently scratched her behind her fluffy ears, they all emerged from the small canyon, sunlight beaming right into his face. He soaked in the warmth of it, looking forwards into the field ahead of him with a bright smile. So many more places were waiting with new adventures to find and people to meet. And he would be the one to explore all these new places, all by himself!

What an exhilarating thing to be able to do!

With all these thoughts swarming around in his mind, he decided to actually take it to heart and explore his surroundings a little bit. The morning was still young and had a lot of time to get to the next stable by nightfall. Fortunately it wasn't that far away, so he had no need to save time in any way. So with that idea in mind, he settled the wagon and his horses down nearby, setting them free to roam and graze as they were resting. Jellie dutifully jumped down to scout out the area for any threats that might be around, leaving Scar in the dust very quickly. He just shook his head fondly and grabbed one of his canes, slowly and carefully stepping down the small ladder that was attached to the side of his carriage. With his cane in one hand and his eyes set on the horizon, he took his first step towards the small hill that was adjacent to the path.

It was just a normal hill, nothing bad could happen here, right?

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not right, absolutely not right and this was literally the worst thing that could have happened ever!

Scar yelped in pain as he hit the ground, cane snapped in two lying at his side. The side of the cliff that he fell down wasn't even that steep but one wrong step had cost him a perfectly good cane and most of his mobility. And even worse, the creature that he had laid eyes upon from a distance was slowly getting closer, way too close for comfort.

Myths and legends spoke of these beasts as ferocious and wild, yet with a consciousness and intelligence that rivaled the more humanoid races. And even while Scar knew that most of the madness came from the calamity that happened a long time ago, these creatures were still extremely protective of their territory.

So this is how he would die?

The creature came closer, hooves barely leaving the earth underneath them unscathed. Its mane was colored in the same colors as Jelly’s fur. It strangely reminded him of his own little girl, curled up on his lap… His hand ran through her fur as she purred and he wondered when she jumped down with him. Did she follow him down there?

Oh no she would die with him. Scar would not be able to live with himself if something happened to Jelly. So he leaned down and wrapped himself around her, wincing slightly as he felt a sting in both his wrist and somewhere on his leg.

The back of his head and neck were fully exposed and he waited with a bated breath. Either for teeth to rip him apart, a hand to wrap around his throat and strangle him, leaving only an empty husk, or maybe even having it use its weapon for a hopefully short lived death.

What he did not expect was for the beast to lean down and stare at him, taking one small sniff of air before making a wounded noise. Suddenly, he felt himself being lifted up gently by the back of his shirt, scrambling to hold onto Jelly as he was placed on the back of the Lynel.

He was having a fever dream wasn't he?

Maybe it had already killed him and he was hallucinating, but he's pretty sure that he's currently watching the beast gallop off into the open field, leaving the small area with himself mostly unhurt, and even worse, Jelly purring? Yeah he must have really hit his head. Now that he thought of it, the warm substance running down the back of his head must be blood.

It would be completely alright if he took a small nap now, wasn't it?

#mcyt #hermitcraft #scar botw au #hermitcraft goodtimeswithscar #goodtimeswithscar #gtws #jellie the cat #hermitcraft au #fanfic

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actually-eldritch · 6 months

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It's so…interesting…to do things we used to do,

but from outside of The Threatre.

We had a tendancy to always know why we were doing something…if the information was available, and findable to us, anyway. When we had developed a habit of cutting ourselves, we had already become well-acquainted with all of the reasons why someone would do such a thing.

Whilst the attention-seeking was a farce (that is, for my system nothing got us attention and when it was purely negative and would mostly result in torture which made it horribly undesirable), a different pain to distract the mind, and the regulatory release of the action was familiar to us.

Of course, people did all sorts of things to convince people that cutting was horrible and should never be done or encouraged in any way shape or form, but I joined the game late. What I had been doing before was infinitely worse: because people focused on cutting as a form of self-harm, I had genuinely spent too long in childhood concussing myself and believing that it did not count. When I realized cutting was completely superficial in comparison, and if I chose the right spots I'd be perfectly fine and heal fully, I was pissed.

I could have been doing something significantly safer, and better for me, but in typical Machine fashion when they tried to "help" those in-need, they mostly focused on targeting what upset them and ignored the root cause, the root need, that might drive someone to do such a thing, offering nothing of proper value to replace it. Ultimately the advisory amounted to "JUST GET BETTER!" completely and utterly failing to acknowledge that some people just have shitty lives that aren't going to get better, and they need a lot of technique which come in the form of sacrifices in order to get through it.

They couldn't understand that I was actively being tortured and that there genuinely wasn't a way out of it. They'd insist on telling me to put my faith in organized groups that had already hurt me worse and were more likely to make everything worse--doing things like aggravating the perpetrator but leaving me in his possession as they did it.

Fat lot of good that does, huh?

Then the sacrifices I had to make work like this: a cost on my health I have to organize my life differently to take these pills, I cut my skin so that my brain has something else to think about, I omit the truth strategically to suffer less abuse, I share less of who I am to keep it safe... the list goes on.

Anyway.

We could only cut ourselves in a fit of putrid rage: when we hated ourselves so much, when the demons in our head chanted that we deserved to bleed, that we needed to see it dripping, we'd succumb to the urge, slash until it was gone.

It was the only way we could over-ride the instinctual desire to flinch, to wield the blade with less pressure, to slide it in a flimsy manner that resulted in shallow cuts or just scratching the surface.

Now it's been years since I had a tendency to hate myself enough for such an over-ride. But something changed--it hasn't been years since I cut.

Different parts of our system became the new culprits of this behaviour--it was a gatekeeper, before she shattered. I can't exactly remember the circumstances within which she did it, but I can remember the emotions. A lot, but she felt cold. It wasn't rage exactly, though I believe played a part still. If I had to guess, she felt like a failure, and she needed a distraction.

More time passes.

Today.

I'm no longer capable of properly suicidal behaviour, because my soul and my life are not mine. I only speak for myself when I say this; I genuinely cannot let myself die. Any attempt to do so would instantly be thwarted by another part of my system which the part(s) that wish(es) to leave us has no control over.

I am being overwhelmed once more by things outside of my control pulling me in to various flavours of Mental Illness Episodes. Between people being selfish resulting in the excruciating neglect of my needs (needs I cannot physically meet on my own without going through them), the machine breaking (having to deal with paperwork and bureaucracy in order to access the next stage of my life), and my body failing me (thanks to the machine breaking my disabled body is frequently an obstacle I cannot over-come; when I cannot access my medication, or facilities where my accessibility tools can function, or accessibility tools at all, and people totally lack consideration for my function because they cannot comprehend it)....

Between all of that, I am over-whelmed by difficult emotions, and consistently falling in to a pattern of "wait" "wait" "wait". So I've returned to my old friend again, this time my over-ride was using the hands of another body of mine; my darling.

After showing him how to do it, he did perfectly well: and likely cut me better than I've ever done it myself. Now I once again have cuts that hurt, that I can grab and hit in order to distract myself, or make myself behave when I need to.

It's exceptionally effective, and cathartic.

I've been wanting to do this for a while, I suppose it wasn't the right time yet. Whether it was because I wasn't yet commanding enough about it, with some internal resistance--that I needed to trust him more, or be less scared, or whether it was because HE needed to trust HIMSELF more, to become less squeamish, so on...

We finally did it.

And while we made an event of it--fashioning it erotic, and it was--ultimately the reasoning behind it was purely calculative. The flourish of the theatre makes the experience more pleasurable, filling even more of my neglected needs.

Outside, it was preformed on the theatre but in my mind, it was consciously orchestrated from behind the curtains and within that,

I find my new state of being.

#LMD

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eroticcannibal · 3 years

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"take your meds" is a good sentiment for people whose meds are helping them and not causing side effects that are dangerous or just outweigh the benefits, but for other people it can be very dangerous, i know at least once i've been put on something that gave me cardiac symptoms and made it hard to breathe and if i just kept taking them instead of informing the psych that i wasn't going to because of the side effects i feel like i probably would have died

Exactly. And so often the "take your meds" shit end up putting mentally ill/mad people under pressure to take meds that *very often* have horrific side effects, but they are "too crazy" to make that decision themselves! (Anti psychotics is a common one)

I've been on countless meds that have caused dangerous manic episodes and even possibly serotonin syndrome (after which I was repeatedly prescribed the same class of meds! That I continued to take because I felt I had no choice!) One of these litterally caused a violent episode (thank fuck I am considerably smaller and weaker than my partner) and almost resulted in me being sectioned. Another resulted in me having a meltdown because I thought my partner was actively trying to kill me. I've been prescribed meds that are fatal when combined with alchohol *while dealing with alcoholism*. I've even probably permanently lost my ability to sing (fun fact! That was my most treasured skill and what meant the most in the world to me!) And cannot speak without pain. I haven't taken those meds for years and still I have cried 3 times today from the pain. That last one is genuinely so physically and psychologically painful that I would not hesitate to kill myself if I did not have a child. And im lucky. I know of other people dealing with organ failure due to being misprescribed that same med.

And I will *still* get shit for not doing what the doctor says, after all that.

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ariesslanderwelcome · 5 years

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Chiron in the houses

Chiron in the 1st house: Chiron here can make you like a knight in shining armor, always ready to fight for the underdog. Usually, while you are doing this, you are neglecting yourself. You could also be a wise councilor (especially in health matters) but you seem to have trouble taking your own advice. A 1st house Chiron can be a gifted teacher, and, of course, you can teach others how to do something better than you can do it yourself. A neat trick to get around this: Give yourself advice as if you were someone else. Then maybe you will take it.

Chiron in the 2nd house: Chiron teaches and gives advise. The 2nd house is money, possessions, and values. You can show other people how to take care of their money better than you take care of your own. In fact, your own finances could be a mess. Sometimes, this placement can make for a miser, but the money collected never brings any pleasure or get rid of the inner fear that there will be no resources. Most likely, this is because the person has a low sense of self-worth and feels that they don't really deserve any money or possessions. In other cases, they may squander or give away what they have for the same reason. It is important to remember that if there are problems with money or possessions, that these are most likely not the real issue. The sense of self-worth is the key here.

Chiron in the 3rd house: If you don't have any brothers or sisters, you may experience this Chiron placement as a lack, a hole in your life. If you do, then there could be continual problems with at least one sibling. This is a good placement for a voice coach or speech therapist. It is likely that you will be able to teach others to speak better than you do. This placement tends to increase the chance of communication problems of one sort or another. No, it does not guarantee a speech defect. Instead, there could be problems with making oneself understood. In some cases, this could indicate that one wasn't listened to as a child. That could trigger a lifelong quest to "make others listen to me." However, no matter how much they do, there is frequently a feeling that "they are still not listening." The problem is that no matter how much they listen to you now, it doesn't get rid of the pain you felt in childhood when they didn't. Mercury/Chiron stress aspects are likely to produce the same result. Recognizing this is a first step to leaving the pain behind.

Chiron in the 4th house: Well, just about everyone had some trouble or other in childhood with their parents. Chiron in the 4th house will just make it a little more noticeable. The home itself would tend to be an issue here. Perhaps one is so busy outside the home that they cannot spend much time there, or their work forces them to travel and be away frequently. The father is more likely to have been chronically ill, away from home, or emotionally unavailable. Perhaps there could be a "don't feel at home anywhere" attitude. Chiron in the 4th house might work out in other ways as well. This placement could conceivably show a person who can help everyone else with their home, while their own place is a wreck.

Chiron in the 5th house: If you need romantic advice, go to someone who has Chiron in the 5th house. Please don't ask them about their own love life, as that would embarrass them. You can also go to people who have this placement for advise on children, sports and games, gambling, and the stock market. Realistically, one does have to look at the rest of the chart because, after all, about one out of twelve people have this Chiron. And you wouldn't, of course, ask a five-year old who had it for advise. But this placement is generally good for counseling in those areas. Just remember to do as they say, but don't do as they do. Chiron in the 5th house can make for folks who are great coaches, helping players to perform better than they themselves could. It could also show people who are great with kids, but either have chronic troubles with their own, or have none of their own. This can be an indicator that you can train your children to be happier and more successful than you ever could. Watch out though. If Chiron is afflicted, you will drive your kids to succeed in the areas that you would have liked to succeed in but that they don't really like at all. The most frustrating one is the great lover who can always satisfy their partner better than they themselves could be satisfied.

Chiron in the 6th house: You can always help (or teach) co-workers do the job better than you can do it. Perhaps you are a whiz at helping everyone else get healthy (the 6th house rules health) while you still smoke and eat junk food. Learn to take care of yourself every now and then. Sometimes it works out in the opposite fashion. Someone with a 6th house Chiron might demand that everyone else serve them, and they are usually never satisfied. Of course, obviously, this causes problems too. And oh yes, let us not forget the tendency toward eating disorders. This can also manifest as strange likes and dislikes in the food department.

Chiron in the 7th house: This one might spend all of their time taking care of a partner who has some debility. It is also someone who gives great advise on marriage, while their own marriage is on the rocks (or they might not even be married). This can work for business partnerships as well. You can take great care of a partner and teach them how to do the business better than you ever could. Watch out that they don't dump you as soon as they learn all that they can from you.

Chiron in the 8th house: What a great sex therapist you can be. A more likely scenario is that you have the ability to bring out the sexual best in a romantic partner, while giving yourself the short end of the stick (no pun intended). But the 8th house rules more than sex. You could also get stuck with taking care of partnership resources because "you're so good at it," or, conversely, keep getting partners who want to "take care" of it and do you out of your fair share. Perhaps you become too dependent on money from others for support, or too much of what you earn goes to support others. You might tend to accept other people's values (your family, group or society) too readily. One other thing. The myth of Chiron can actually come alive with this placement. You could have a talent for healing or rehabilitating others, but not yourself.

Chiron in the 9th house: Perfect for a travel agent who sends everyone else on fantastic trips while they are stuck in the office doing the booking, or a publisher or writing teacher who gets everyone else's books before the public, while secretly longing to write and publish their own. Parents with this placement of Chiron frequently tend to push their children to pursue the higher education that they themselves never had a chance to get. Negatively, this could mean forcing them into studying what the parents wished that they had studied, and not what the kids really want. There could also be jealousy here (Saturn) and the parents could actually take steps to deprive their children of higher education.

The 9th house also rules religion. Sometimes this leads to thinking that the fanatic pursuit of some religious doctrine will cure all of one's inner wounds. This could also manifest as obsessive travel or study.

Chiron in the 10th house: Career and public prestige are the battlegrounds with this placement of Chiron. Yes, this is a great placement for running an organization in the medical or healing field, but frequently, no matter what the career, someone with a 10th house Chiron will feel that they are taking care of everybody and everything else except themselves. As usual, there will frequently be an uncanny ability to help everyone else succeed better than they could ever have done themselves. It could also work out the other way. There may be a total rejection of any sort of ambition or responsibility, most likely due to fear of failure. Perhaps the parents pushed you too hard to succeed and really got on your case when you slipped up (or even when you didn't). The other side of the coin is that some parents don't want their children to succeed and always put them down. You can get either reaction to an upbringing of that nature: a compulsive need to achieve or a rejection of any success or responsibility.

Chiron in the 11th house: The problem areas are friends, hopes, and wishes. On the one hand, there could be difficulty having or holding on to friends, or a fear of crowds or groups. On the other hand, one may compulsively seek out friends (or join groups, especially groups that want to change society) in order to compensate for inner fears of loneliness. You might get more than your share of "friends" who take advantage and drain you. More often, you give to friends whether they want it or not because this gives you a feeling of control (Saturn). But you could be the drainer here, always asking things of friends in order to compensate for a psychological neediness that never seems to be filled.

Chiron in the 12th house: As always, Chiron shows where we can do more for others than ourselves. A 12th house Chiron may compulsively try to take care of the poor the sick, and the unfortunate while neglecting their own needs and those of their own family. Conversely, there may be malingering and the person with this placement may themselves always seem in "need" because of one (frequently self-caused) "problem" after another. This placement tends to make a person feel tired and fatigued. If you have this one, be sure to get plenty of rest.

#chiron in the houses #i literally just thought this was cool and wanted to share it its not my original thoughts at all just copied and pasted #chiron in the 1st house #chiron in the second house #chiron in the third house #chiron in the fourth house #chiron in the fifth house #chiron in the sixth house #chiron in the seventh house #chiron in the eighth house #chiron in the ninth house #chiron in the tenth house #chiron in the eleventh house #chiron in the twelth house

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99sshithouse · 5 years

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Jitae Bae

J. Seph

Age : 24

Alias(es) : Ji-Ji, JiBae

Place of Birth : Seoul, South Korea

Eye & Hair Color : Brown | Brown

Height & Weight : 5'10 | 170lbs

Sex & Gender : Male and Identifies as Such

Orientation : Heterosexual

Marital Status : In A Relationship With Haenim Sohn

Personality

When There Are Clouds In The Sky, You Get By

Jitae is a sweet and genuine person, if not a little loud and obnoxious most days. He has this way of making people feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. The biggest joys in his life are his three best friends, two of which he's known for almost all of his life. He enjoys making the people he loves smile. He makes jokes when things get tense, but also has enough sense to make sure that he does and says thing that help make the situation not so tense. His friends would definitely call him the goofball of the group, the happy one, or even just plain old ridiculous, but he does this for the best of intentions.

He's been known to give the shirt off his back whenever someone needs it (really, ask Boseon) and keep his loved ones safe at all costs. Though, unfortunately with most of the happiest people, his home life isn't so warm and fuzzy. Due to an accident involving his brother, he usually has to keep his father's head above with extra cash he makes from his part time job. Even after moving out, he leaves an envelope, filled with his ill-gotten gains frim theft, for his dad every month on the front porch to make sure everything is taken care so that they're not struggling. He has always let stuff build and build throughout his life because he never thought his problems were worth as much as the rest of his friends. He didn't want to burden them with his issues or make them think he wasn't strong enough to handle it all. But with that being said, he doesn't have a positive outlet for his emotions. Another thing about emotions is that he doesn't know what the hell to do with all his. Between the relationship he's seemingly destined for failure, his own cluttered feelings for other people in his life, he doesn't know where to start to get it all fixed but desperately wants to.

But with all that laying carefully and snuggly under it all, he is a good kid doing his damndest to be a great best friend, at least a decent boyfriend, an excellent dancer, and an even better person all around.

Employment : Part-Time At A Pastry Shop

Ever since he was 16, Jitae began working in a small pastry shop in a little corner of Dalitica. He spends his time there selling and ringing up pastries, helping decorate cookies and cakes, and generally just keeping the shop running while the managers prep the kitchen for the next day.

Underground Dance Crew

Jitae is one of a 4 member dance group called 11-21. While J isn't the leader of the group, he does help his best friend to keep it as organized and functional as possible behind the scenes.

Criminal Specialty : Thief | Pick-Pocket | Hacking

Skills & Abilities

Funny & Sweet | J has this unusual ability to always be funny, to go out of his way to make someone smile, be friendly and welcoming to people whenever he can | Gifted Conversationalist | Goofball but in the Most Endearing Way Possible.

Natural Dancer | While he by no means the best dancer in the group, he is able to pick up new dance moves ans choreography without really trying. He just has a mind to pick it up quickly while some others may need time to practice and perfect it. It does bring about some spurs if laziness though where he ends up goofing off instead of practicing since he already knows the material.

Trained Kickboxer | One day, J and his best bro Boseon went in to take boxing lessons as a way of exercise. 3 years later, Jitae has mastered the art. He is extremely passionate about this and surprisingly very very good at it. He wasn't expecting to walk out with such an appreciation, but it's a sport that he practices all the time.

A Good Friend | Jitae has been blessed with a group of friends that are more ride or die than most siblings are, and in return he does his best to be there for all of them whenever they need him. He has almost a 6th sense when it comes to each and knows when they're down or upset and he will go out of his way to try and cheer them up. He always has an shoulder if someone needs it and will usually buy something sweet afterwards.

Disabilities & Disorders

Emotionally Stunted | When it comes to sharing his actual, genuine emotions, Jitae has a hard time opening up about the things he feels. He has the unfortunate idea that he's a burden whenever he unloads his problems on to someone else. Of course his friends would never, ever think that was the case. The only person able to break through to him was Zuelika, and even then there is plenty he hasn't told her throughout the years.

His Relationship | Haenim is his best friend. He thinks she's absolutely amazing, and so smart and so funny and so pretty, but at the end of the day, the relationship is awkward and uncomfortable most days. They both seem to be holding so much back that it's hard sometimes to even really believe that they were actually in a relationship at all. But still, J tries with all his heart to make this work for both of them and be a good boyfriend.

Graceful When Dancing, Klutz Doing Absolutely Anything Else | Can Be Too Loud In Some Situations | Has A Hard Time Taking Some Stuff Seriously.

Known History

Crime

Has Never Been Caught Committing a Crime.

Gang Initiation : He's lived in Dalitica basically his whole life. Joining a gang is just kind of what you do when you get older.

Known Affiliations

Parents

Jaejin Bae - Father [Citizen]

Bora Bae - Mother [Deceased]

Siblings

Beom-Soo Bae - Brother [Citizen]

Friends

Boseon Choi [Best Bro]

Zuleika Nam [Bestie Best Friend]

Haenim Sohn [Best Friend/Girlfriend]

Affiliation | Wolves

#Jitae Bae #J Bae #Wolves #99s characters

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ellyzsx · 5 years

Text

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

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