I'm so fucking sick of my brain

(regarding my inbox)

okay, i hate making posts like this, it makes me feel gross and i hate upsetting people with this stuff, but today i'm truly eight thousand miles beyond my breaking point.

the mess in my inbox, constantly accusing me of copying and stealing from aj @thegayfromrulid, needs to stop. it's borderline harassment at this point. and neither of us are okay with it. every single time i post a fic - or even an edit, or a cosplay!! - i receive anons telling me that i stole the idea from aj. regardless of the idea, regardless of the form, regardless of my own inspirations.

this has been happening for nearly two years now. it started during pride week of 2021, which is why i didn't upload for every prompt that year. it happened to coincide with a time when aj and i weren't talking, though i'm not sure if the anon(s) knew that, and i didn't want to reply and start drama, nor did i want to outstay my welcome in the event.

since then, there have been pauses, but it always starts again. my band au is apparently copying his, more than just a fling and don't want to miss a thing are apparently copies of rosebud (despite having very little in common aside from being gay family fics), perfectly imperfect is apparently copying one of his sugulis oneshots - me writing sugulis in general is apparently copying aj, despite the fact aj literally said his first sugulis fic was inspired by one i'd previously written!!

i actually deleted a oneshot i write about kazuto and suguha, where i poured a lot of my own personal feelings into it - a lot of my bpd sugu content is incredibly personal in this way. i love sugu and kazuto's relationship (not romantic) because it makes me feel so understood and less alone. someone made the connection that this oneshot had been inspired by conversations between myself and aj and our relationship, and the asks i received were so nauseating i won't even bother vaguely describing what they contained. and still, i didn't want to humiliate myself posting it, and i didn't want to start drama, so i deleted the ask and tried to move on - i didn't sleep until three that morning, and was violently ill with ptsd terrors triggered by the ask i'd received. i deleted the oneshot the next day.

today i reached my breaking point, when an anon accused me of stealing an update to both don't want to miss a thing and other shades of blue. both of those updates were incredibly personal to me. i recently suffered a miscarriage that has been harrowing and nearly impossible to cope with, and so i included those fears in don't want to miss a thing. other shades of blue is entirely inspired by a relationship i lived through and (barely) survived, with my ex-fiance. things in that fic are altered and dramatised for the sake of fiction, but the core of the story is my own experience.

aj and i are both writers. we both want to see people write their stories and share their stories. no two people will have the exact same interpretation of a scene, character or series, nor will two people have the exact same words to express those thoughts. it's part of what makes fandom enjoyable and beautiful - seeing the same characters a million different ways under a thousand different lights.

aj is someone i've always held an immense amount of respect for, as a person, as a writer and as a friend. i continue to love and support his fics as i can, but ironically enough, i don't read that much fanfic these days - half of the things i'm being accused of plagiarising are being first introduced to me by those accusations.

this has also extended to saying i'm vague posting about aj, or implying that i'm spiteful towards him in my posts. aj and i disagree on things (these days, it's usually the anime adaption, progressive and mito) but i would never go as low as to make hateful posts about someone i consider a friend, especially over a fucking ANIME. i've received rape and death threats from people saying they hope i'm sexually assaulted by a mito cosplayer or a eugeo cosplayer, or even an ENTIRE FUCKING FANFICTION in my inbox graphically describing the idea of multiple people i consider friends in this fandom assaulting and murdering me. i need you to understand how fucking detached from reality you have to be to write that kind of thing, because you can "justify" it by accusing me of copying fanfiction, or because i dislike a character and you perceive that to be an insult to a blogger you, in all likelihood, do not know nearly as well as you like to think you do.

i am begging, begging you, whoever you are, please stop. you can support him, you can dislike me, i honestly don't care - i do actually, i care entirely too much, but one person or one group disliking me quietly is far preferable to the abuse i receive in my inbox on a weekly basis. please. stop.

8:52

I've been doing lots of research, lots of digging. While I'm not a psychiatrist, and I can't diagnose anyone, I believe that my mom has borderline personality disorder. Her reactions, her emotions, and the way she responds to situations is usually unpredictable. I feel like I've had to walk on eggshells around her my entire life. I've never known her to have friends, going as far as to openly denounce them completely. Only until very, very recently did she decide she needed friends (this only happened because I moved out and she couldn't focus only on me anymore).

Moving away from her I was met with lots of internal guilt. I'm her only friend (or was at the time), and she made that very known. And throughout my entire life, growing up, she really really wanted me to be an extension of her, and I believe - to some extent - she still does. She understands that I'm a person of my own, but I don't think she always likes me.

I couldn't wear pants or pick out my own clothes until I was in 5th grade, almost thirteen years old. I was never ever allowed to close my bedroom door. I remember trying new things she vehemently protested: studded belts, a cartilage piercing, dark hair, my style. And not just, "I don't really like that". entire RANTS about how I wasn't classy, pretty, how katherine (my perfect cousin) would never wear something like that. I remember being too tiny to even look into the mirror, and I'd watch her, standing there, telling herself how ugly she is, how fat she is. I grew up with everyone telling me that I look just like her.

How am I supposed to feel when she, the prettiest woman in the world, hates herself? and I look like her? confused.

When I told her I was bulimic, she yelled at me. "I don't believe you've ever made yourself throw up. So what do I have to do now, sit with you every single time you eat? When you shower?"

You can imagine how coming out as bisexual went.

I vaguely remember times that I was called selfish. You only think of yourself. You're lying. And when the statements weren't blatant, they were "vague" statements, coated with thick layers of venom.

"No, I'm fine!"

"It's fine, do what you want."

"I don't care, do what you want, its your life".

If you grew up with a parent like this, you know it was never truly fine.

And whenever these statements were made, or things were said to poke fun of me or drain me, I'd stand up for myself. Only then, I'd be told I was waaaaay too sensitive. Eventually, I stopped. Sensitive = bad. Be hard instead.

Once, she gave me the silent treatment and the coldest shoulder I've ever had, because she said that she heard me say "fuck" with my friends at a high school basketball game. I was an entire bleacher section away, standing in the middle of a crowd. On top of this, I didn't swear nearly as much in high school. Even if I had done it, she'd never have heard it. Still, I was met with eyes full of poison. I was convicted and punished before I'd even gone on trial.

I remember - very calmly and courteously - defending gay rights at a family Christmas party. She and my uncle screamed in my face. Different opinions = bad. Must be the same.

It's no wonder that I have a personality disorder. You don't just become this way for no reason. I'm terrified of my mom when it comes to being myself. I don't think she'd like me even a little bit if I were my 1000% authentic self every day. She says she would, but that's because I maintain enough of her vision of me to stay deserving.

People say they cut off their families all the time, but that isn't an option for me. She and my dad and my grandpa (who at this point is 90) are all I have for family. And she really is my best friend. That's another indicator that she suffers from BPD: she has abandonment issues, and a very strong love/dislike relationship with me. It's a trauma bond, and it's impossible to break.

She's always been a Jekyll & Hyde, and every time I fear her backlash, even at 26, I revert back to 6. BPD for me, for children, starts as a defense mechanism. A way to protect ourselves from the people we're supposed to trust. If it remains unchecked, it becomes damaging, a corrosive. I have to break this cycle.

1/10/23.

so look. I have been having another bad brain week. am thinking it would be good to get down some of why I’m feeling shitty. this will get long.

1) I just feel inexplicably sad all the time. so fucking sad. and I’m trying so hard to have energy to do shit, but it’s so difficult esp when out of nowhere I keep being on the verge of tears for no apparent reason??? and because of a combo of my meds, my hormones (bc my period is due soon) and my bpd flaring after a manic phase - I just feel really turbulent in my emotions. I go from up to down in ten seconds and I hate that. 

2) things have been super stressful with family. it looks like my little brother has a drug problem because he got arrested a week or so ago. he wasn't charged but I'm still super worried about him esp because he won't open up to me no matter how understanding I try to be with him.

3) then there's my nan, who is now out of hospital but who is also not given the best prognosis - I don't know the specifics but unless she has a liver transplant she doesn't have that long. which worries me. especially given how my uncles are just really shitty people who keep picking fights even while their probably dying mother is suffering.

4) speaking of. everyone is going to see my nan in my family and social distancing is not a thing for anyone right now. and family members keep getting huffy because we want to keep shielding speedy.

5) I got an email from work from a certain colleague who tbh I did not have the best relationship with saying that she was leaving, and that someone in another office was briefed on my furlough situation. but in the email it seemed to suggest that me returning to the office wasn't completely off the table which seemed strange, because when I was first told I was being furloughed it was with the understanding that I would eventually be made redundant. and idk. the thought of returning to that office... for some reason it fills me with dread. I've been having a lot of bad dreams about work and I hate that. I hate that I have to work and make a living because I don't want to. I hate being an adult.

6) I'm trying to do other stuff that I need to get done and I'm making progress with some writing things, but finding the energy to do that is so fucking hard.

7) I've been having so much trouble with my body image lately. like I've touched on this before but I've had a high bmi for a long time, and at one point it was 35, which is well into the obese category. but when I look in the mirror I - don't feel its as bad? like I know my mum's weight. it's a good five kilos less than me but her tummy looks bigger and physically she looks bigger than me. I say this not because I want to start any kind of competition or point scoring exercise - for certain my mother has been doing more walking than I have because I hate going to the park knowing that people aren't socially distancing or taking it seriously. I'm only mentioning it because I'm wondering about the limitations of bmi. at the same time maybe I just can't see what is on the scales. my bmi did go down a bit in recent months and was around 32 last time I checked, but I just. kinda like my mood, I keep bouncing between liking how I look when I see my reflection, to hating myself with a passion. and neither of those things are good for me.

8) generally I feel really tired all the time. even tho I haven't been doing much. like technically I am bc speedy needs homeschooling and that has been my job in the absence of an actual job. but I haven't been walking much. I haven't been moving around. and quite honestly I'm wondering what the point is of all this, because being in lockdown this long has not been fun. and given the uk is not exactly doing well in terms of coronavirus transmission and deaths I highly doubt they're going to go through with their plans to open up.

tl;dr I need to figure out my purpose in life because my brain is a mess. I don't think that means I'm going to be doing anything drastic so if you're reading this and are worried, don't be. I know I have it easier than some people esp because I'm still being paid, just not my full wage. I just feel really lost, and anytime I want to have a conversation about it I just - don't know who to talk to. this is deep shit and I don't want to land anything on anyone. its not fair that I keep having these mini breakdowns and for anyone to have to shoulder that burden for me. but hopefully just getting it down in words will help to get it out of my system.

my view on mental health

I need to start taking my mental health more seriously and I feel other people need to as well , please note that some of these are fictional but cld still be possible in real life , I'm have this quality that my mental illness contributes to , basic needs neglect. and that we need to raise awareness for the sake of those who are suffering in silence because they feel cornered or lost or want to just give up , we need to make the world a better place and I feel in the future I want to make a difference , but a thought struck me , why wait till then , we can start being more kind and considerate , we sold treat everyone equally because we are all human and we have every right to feel , if there is a question , regardless of severity , please make an effort to get the answer whether it be by doing research or even getting a second or maybe even a third opinion , I have had enough of this corrupted world making innocent people suffering and we sold all do our part to raise awareness and encourage things like seeing a psychiatrist or maybe even counselling , therapy , and rehab in a world where corruption persists , I want better for this world and its victims

I may have been in worse mental condition than I originally thought but this cld be due to me neglecting myself for about 10 years and thinking that everything was my fault and that I silent have failed my family. but it was rlly them who failed me , I was who tf traumatises a kid , tells them that they are special and not like everyone else , that I needed to be drugged in order to become normal , and no one saw anything wrong with the way they were handling things , I wld never ever traumatise someone like that let alone a fucking child . and you know why these things happened ? its because my mother didn't know how to be nurturing , I wld understand if I was the first born BUT I WAS THE THIRD CHILD THAT U FAILED TO RAISE PROPERLY . please don't interrupt or make a point that might make me feel invalidated bc even if u went thru similar things , you are older so you have been better for a long time , but for me I feel I'm currently still processing all the fucked up things that happened . from the age of 7 till 14 march 2022 , after a recent suicide attempt , I finally gained the strength and understanding that what happened was not my fault . my family falling apart , my mom being incapable of nurturing a child bc she's too stuck in her ways , I subconsciously blamed myself , and I know I wasn't the only one who did , I'm aware of what happened , how I felt , how I handled the situation , how I went about "living life" , I was so fucking manic. I showed so many symptoms by the age of 13 that I Clint even think straight and all I did was let my intrusive thought get the best of me with. no second thought. but that was then and I've grown up and used all that negativity as an opportunity to better myself as a person. okay now lets change perspective , imagine you were sexually assaulted multiple times as a kid and you end up developing bpd , that paints a picture in my mind , a disturbing but something to learn from type of picture , of the amount of sadness , pain , suffering , disgust , and what if I told you that the kid blamed himself/herself blamed himself/herself , different story . now lets have another example imagine you go your entire life without realising that you sold focus on urself bc you show symptoms of stress tension and mania symptoms , imagine if you never got the help you deserved because of how society is and because you're too naive to see the bigger picture , as you grow older you start to become a very moody person , doesn't sound like smith u wld do bc you got the help you deserved , this person didn't even have the chance in 56 years of life never once did she slow down and process things because of the urge to meet standards , and when you meet them , you're not even happy In life , imagine how long 56 years is , you look at it with a optimistic perspective but unfortunately this person doesn't know how to forgive herself , imagine if you were never able to forgive yourself for the things you blamed yourself for even if you had no control over the situation. one more , imagine your mother , the person who is supposed to take care of you and nurture and raise you , what if she was imcapable of even taking care of herself and she took her frustration out on you because she didn't think it was a problem , because she doesn't realise the action have consequences , imagine you stray dow the wrong path with a grudge and imagine you never work on it , you let it eat you up because you're scared of what might go wrong , because you have a fear of being invalidated , imagine how shitty the quality of life must be for some people who struggle with a mental illness/disorder , trust me , I can go on and on and on about this but let me just save ur time and keep it sweet nd to the point.

I have bpd, I'm always ready to leave anyone and I don't get overly attached anymore. The reason being I watched my fp die and I have never been able to bring myself to attach deeply to another. My current partner has aspd, which overall works well for me due to their emotions being as dim as mine. I still have the usual swings in mood but I do veer more towards depression rather than mania, but when it comes to love that feeling is very dim. I treasure experiences more than the person I have them with now so I did ask we have an open relationship, since covid though that has been closed because I'm immunocompromised and refuse to suffer needlessly. They didn't want to partake in the open relationship aspect themselves until i had and only to keep things even, thats what they said. And thats probably why this does bug me a bit. I haven't used any part of the open relationship. I do sell photos and videos of myself for a hefty price, and usually they help me and are always fully aware of what I'm doing as well as what I say. They have recently started exploring more about themselves and their kinks, and joined a few different subreddits to explore with others online. They have told me about everything so far, but it also only took two days for them to start multiple convos and send photos of themselves to multiple people for free. I do my photos for work, they are doing it purely for pleasure. It doesn't hurt, but it does annoy me and puts me in the mindset of closing off and being ready to leave. It's annoying because it feels like they are going back on their word. Trust is important to us both, so is follow through with what we promise. I don't get to know or see everything like they do with me when it comes to those conversations and it annoys me that I have to ask. I also have a very low libido but they told me last night with all this exploring their libido (which was already higher than mine) has shot up a lot. I just feel like the end is coming and I'm to okay with it. Yes my life would become more annoying and difficult without them but I don't mind. And while yes I would miss them, out of sight out of mind especially if I distract myself. It doesn't help that I do feel trapped in general due to the city we live. I am financially secure and want to move but they want to wait until they finish up college before moving, while that time frame is allegedly approaching its always a dead subject that leaves me in anger. Once we move I plan on fixing whats making me immunocompromised but I NEED to move so I can have access to doctors that can fix me. That also is a dead subject, I just need to wait and be patient they say. They also said that in the beginning of us dating when we were talking about open dating during covid, that I should wait until it was safe. Overall I've just been on edge before this exploring they are doing and now that its begun I only feel more on edge. The feeling makes me trust them less and less. I don't mind having tail on the side as long as your honest but ffs two fucking days and you are already giving out the goods, allowing other people to say that they own them and just laughing about it. Thats just what I've been told, but its also bee made apparent that they are now doing things while I'm asleep, so who know how much I'm actually told about.

I'm also passed because they suggested that I shoot a video for a client on vday even though the request came 2 weeks before it, the issue that I have with it is after knowing what I'd be shooting for that particular video for 2 weeks they didn't attempt to help until the day of shooting on VDay and their idea of helping? Showing me videos of other hotter people doing what I was requested to do. On Valentines day. And I was just expected to watch and take pointers which really hurt. I had been practicing since I got the request, I had been looking up videos for the first week of practice let alone the client sent some references as well. I love watching videos for pointers, hell me and my partner have enjoyed porn together, watching others isn't the issue, the issue was that they suggested to film on vday, and then waited until vday to show me videos of others doing better. I still haven't finished editing that video because it just feels painful. Thats how I got to spend my vday, being compared to others.

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.