is it mental illness or is it actually a dodgeball, only time will tell.

HAHAHAHA HELLO IM BACK FROM ANOTHER UNSCHEDULED HIATUS IM SO SORRY YALL

but i promise this time i had good reason becaaaaauuuuuse

I GRADUATED UNIVERSITY! :D

(that's me on the right, i don't often post pictures of myself but this is a special occasion)

anyways i am FINALLY done with school, i took a few summer classes just to finish up some spare credits, and at the same time i was working my summer job and ALSO doing a two-month internship with the Smithsonian so. I've been Very Busy.

And now I'm currently on vacation to visit my mother in Thailand so i am STILL busy, buuuuuut i wanted to jump back on here because once I'm back in the US i will be COMPLETELY free to blog and make gifs and all the usual stuff that I've missed so much!!!!!

.........and also watching good omens season 2 on the plane ride over here may or may not have given me severe and massive brain rot so expect a huge wave of gomens content on this blog in the following weeks lmaoooo

okayy being a person is very daunting at the moment so I'm gonna see if @b-blushes 's tactic of posting about what they gotta do will work for me

1) I will get out of bed in the next half an hour and eat food and get dressed while said food is in the microwave

2) I will stretch so my body hurts less

3) I will go to the library and work for either 4 hours or as long as I can manage

4) I will post my friend's birthday card on the way!

And then I do whatever I want even if that's go back to bed, and it's going to be ok

Singing employment paperwork be like "I, Legal Name I Don't Identify With, of not particularly sound mind nor especially able body, agree under coercion of society and so not exactly of my own volition, to give This Job all of my spoons and then some 5-7 days a week, in exchange for not enough money to move out of my parents house."

officially im asleep

NPD BPD combo will make you feel like a starving wild circus animal every time you remember other people exist

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.

sleep problems... x_x my beloathed

what if I actually go insane. on purpose

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.

.

i hate i hate i hate exam phase

hungry and exhausted!!!!!

feels funny to recall a time when i didn't feel the need to be surrounded by plushes

Before covid i was quite trouble-free and could travel pretty much without care

now i that i've known anxiety so bad i couldnt eat drink go out or do Anything, going up and down for two years before getting treatment, i have fallen into a regressive plush-carrying stage

which is okay i mean, i don't need them at work or in my everyday life except when stressed ; but it still feels pretty childish to hold my stuffed bunny from when i was 1 to feel reassured. it 100% is regressive, but its better than having to take xanax twice a day to be able to live ? Thank god those times are over lol

I do literally everything my phone is off for hours before bed + I'm active and eating well during the day I'm reading + meditating to wind down + going to bed at a sensible time + my room is comfortable and dark and the right temperature and literally everything else I know every fucking trick in the book im doing them all I promise and i still cant fucking sleep. what does it want.

post it, or don't ♡

characters/pairings: itoshi rin x reader

warnings: one cuss word lol, not proofread sorry if there's any typos!!! have a good day people.

✿ summary: your tired boyfriend is not a big fan of your spam account being filled with his overly cute photos.

"stop that—"

"stop what?"

"you're taking pictures of me."

"im not, rinnie."

you definitely were.

how could you not take pictures of him when he's sprawled out on top of you like a house cat?

although he was trying his best not to put all of his weight on you, it was impossible to control himself. especially when his body was quite sore from his new workout routine.

rin was unusually clingy today, his exhaustion was responsible for that. initially, all he needed was to lie down on the bed and let his muscles rest against the mattress— but then he realised you were already there, scrolling through your social media.

he just couldn't say no when you opened your arms and called out to him with that soft voice of yours, and he had already started to dream of the satisfying feeling of your hands running through his hair by that time.

and that's how he ended up with his face nestled in your neck and his legs tangled with yours, much to your enjoyment and his instant regret when you clicked on the camera icon and watched the mess of the dark green hair that tickled your cheek.

he didn't realise anything at first because his eyes were closed and he was actually considering falling asleep right then and there. however, the clicking sound of your phone was enough to make him groan and hide his face further.

but your laugh was so soft yet contagious, right next to his ear, and he was holding onto that one string of hope that you wouldn't record a video of his immediate complaints.

"babyyy, say hi!" you said while doing the exact thing he didn't want you to do— recording a video. it was so fun to get on his nerves sometimes.

all he could do was give the side of your bare hips a light squeeze as he tried his best to speak quietly so the video wouldn't pick up what he was saying. "you make me fucking miserable."

your cheeks hurt from how hard you smiled. "alright, okay. i've got my pictures, im satisfied. i'll leave you alone now."

rin slowly peeked up when you placed your phone on the bedside table and shot a glare as you looked down at him. "you're not posting that. i'm tired of seeing my face on my own feed."

"yeah! totally not posting that."

"y/n." it's become a daily thing for him to use your name in that warning tone. "not even the paparazzi post as many pictures of me as you do."

you rolled your eyes. "it's because i'm your biggest fan. just one?"

"no."

"rinnie, pretty please. you just look so cute. gosh, you look even cuter right now." you tried to soften his edges a bit, feeling your chest implode with love because God, your boyfriend was so effortlessly cute. especially when his tired eyes were covered with his dark strands.

all you got in return was a grunt and rin was back to burying his face in the crook of your neck. he really didn't have the energy to deal with your weird ways of convincing. he just needed sleep, and you— he had both of his favourite things now.

you knew he granted you permission once he stopped, or more like gave up, and thanked him softly.

rin hummed as your hands ran over his neck and shoulders and lightly pressed his stiff muscles. a massage to top it all off, your boyfriend was quite literally seeing stars.

"squeeze harder," he mumbled, exhaling slowly when you did as he told you to.

"so, you've been working out."

he didn't respond, waiting for you to say something more related to that as you pondered while pressing your thumb into his skin to ease out the tension.

"don't i deserve a photo or two?" you proposed, a shameless grin on your face when you heard your lover make another noise in annoyance.

"maybe if you don't post that video," rin said, planting a quick kiss against your warm neck as he continued, knowing he had found a good solution. "i'll send you some."

and a few days later, you realised that it was a pretty good deal.

fjskfjskfndmcndkv. this is all i have to show. bye fellow rin enjoyers.