#I'm alright it just happens sometimes
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#vent#I'm alright it just happens sometimes#also thought of drawing it cause why not#don't take this like I need everything I say to be followed up with a response#that is the last thing I want#whatever may happen I just gotta remember to stay silly and don't think because thoughts bad and unkind and unrealistic :3#anyways I'm gonna draw sunstone or something idk#maybe even work on attacks#gbye fo now :3
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the sexual tension between me and relapse
#venting in the tags so be careful#being bipolar and bpd at the same time feels like the worst nightmare#the slightest inconvenience will send me into a fucking spiral#people have always been telling me either to “cheer up” or “go to a mental hospital because I'm fucked in the head”#i perfectly know I'm incapable and unworthy of love#I'm starting to doubt if I'm able to love the right way at all#but I'm so sick of toxic positivity#not everything's going to be alright#sometimes bad things happen#and not everyone is supposed to be cheerful and grateful all the fucking time#it's just so tiring and exhausting#they really dont realize how much toxic positivity is damaging and so naive#tw depressing thoughts#idk how to tag this lol#rambles#actually bpd#bpd vent
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Ok, but how about?
Mom Might Lives AU (she survived the Yagi family tragedy) where Toshinori still finds his way to Nana and Gran Torino and becomes their protégé. Then when he introduces these dumb hero duo to his mom love ensues.
Young Toshinori: STOP DATING MY MOTHER!
Sorahiko: You know what? I’m gonna start dating her even harder.
Or
Homewrecker Gran Torino AU
The possibilities are limitless.
Toshinori would be so distressed by Gran dating his mother that he would go full throttle in his plan to set his mom and Nana up instead. This is both a success and a failure because it turns out they all have two hands.
#Toshinori: Mom don't you think Shimura-sensei is pretty don't you think it's cool when she lifts a car over her head#Mom Might: oh Toshi do you have a crush on your teacher? that happens sometimes and-#Toshinori: NO I'm her wingman... I'm just trying to figure out if you are into her#Mom Might: Toshi‚ she's a widow. i know you want to make her smile but it's alright for her to take her time if she ever wants to reenter#the dating pool. or if she never does.#Toshinori: you literally are also a... nevermind. point is she still has less baggage than Torino-Sensei -_-#Toshinori: why don't you at least meet her for coffee? you would get along! it would be nice for both of you to have another friend! or more#pocket talks to people#anon
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#altaria#here it is… the bird that turns into a dragon-type because reasons…#i still don't think just from looking at this thing that they should be a dragon-type. i feel like it still seems out-of-place given their#design but HONESTLY i like it. i think it's a cool like. subversion. type thing. i would not look at swablu and be like Yeah that evolves#into a dragon-type. and apparently a really good one at that? i believe i've heard good things about altaria#ugh. good things. got a selection of GOOD THINGS on sale‚ stranger… my brain does that sometimes#when i hear or say innocuous phrases it's like HEY that's the same thing this OTHER guy said in this QUOTE you've heard before#dunno WHY but. it happens. and it just happened there. but altaria i dunno it's a dragon-type and that's awesome. i don't remember what i#said i was gonna talk about on the swablu post yesterday wrt altaria and i am too lazy to look back at those tags to remember#hi it's me morning of this posting at like 7 AM. i remembered bc i just looked. i was gonna ask if they were good competitively#and. i'm pretty sure they are. ALRIGHT LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SMOGON#ah okay not busted but generally good i guess. latest information states RU in gen 9 but UU in a lot of other gens. NU and PU in there too#bounced around a lot i guess. but here's my question. why? do i care#it's cute. and i don't care if they're strong or not… because they're cute…
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along the same line as the whole "why do you need to know someone's autistic before you stop bullying them for their autistic traits?" thing I've seen floating around
apologizing for it once you know is meaningless. it doesn't change the fact that you deliberately mocked someone for their behavior.
.
a customer mocked my stutter and I've lost all patience with that so I looked him in the eyes and said "I have a speech disability" and he immediately got all apologetic and was like "I wasn't making fun of you". Bro yes you were. you didn't realize you were making fun of a disability I've spent my entire life struggling with, but you were nonetheless.
just because you don't know you're being an asshole doesn't mean you're not being an asshole. you can apologize but I'm not going to forgive you.
#text post#stuttering#disability#ableism#color says shit#it's nice that my stutter mostly disappears when I'm angry because it lets me immediately put on my stony and guarded demeanor effortlessly.#anyway. most customers are at least condescending to me when I have trouble speaking. not outright rude#I've had a few customers that do genuinely mock me and then I just walk away from them and call a manager.#but like... apologizing when you've chosen to engage in asshole behavior doesn't change the fact that you've engaged in that behavior.#I'm not going to go “oh it's alright 😁” because you've realized that I don't think you're at all funny for that.#I'm done taking shit from anybody. treat me with respect or fuck off.#it's not my fucking fault I can't get a sentence out some days.#I don't care if it was done in ignorance you're an adult you don't get to be cruel like that.#like. haha yeah I know it's so funny when I start making noises and breathing funny but I'm not a spectacle for you to laugh at.#I'm not some side show. I'm not some curiosity. I'm not a roadside attraction to laugh at.#sometimes I forget I have such a hugely internalized reaction to being objectified in this very specific way#and then it happens and I want to leave a fist shaped dent in my locker.#I care too much about my hands to fuck them up again so I'll just vent on tumblr dot com instead
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Hey how are u? 🧡
hey, hi, i'm okay!! sorry for disappearing for a hot second!! thank you for checking, it means a lot 🧡🥺
#had a breakdown bon appétit and all that#no that's too dramatic i just fell into a bit of an isolation spiral#no ones fault but my own and it sucks but it happens sometimes#i'm alright though i'm alive!! thank you <33
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eventually, in my life, i will write copia coming out to imperator, and that is going to be akin to sticking jumper cables in my ears, i imagine.
#copiaposting#i know i've posted about this before. probably Forty Times.#she's not transphobic about it. she just doesn't care. like does not really care about this being a big deal nor see why she should.#it's the equivalent of walking up to someone and telling them you want a sandwich for lunch. to her.#and then she forgets the conversation ever happened. i'd imagine.#sometimes the most angst comes from the fewest words exchanged. if i'm honest.#especially because copia WANTS her to say something with substance soooo bad and she just. doesn't.#like ah. alright i'll get the paperwork changed. bye cardi.
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considering the circumstances, you know, speaking realistically, hera is pretty much always both the first person eiffel talks to when he wakes up and the last person he talks to before he falls asleep. so now i get to be sentimental and say: they have so many conversations eiffel drifts off to sleep in the middle of, or when he’s technically awake but his brain isn’t yet, when he makes even less sense than usual. eiffel lies in bed in the mornings like he’s trying to hold onto a dream. his voice is low. he keeps his eyes closed. he imagines that hera is lying next to him; he imagines for a while that they’re somewhere else.
#wolf 359#w359#doug eiffel#hera wolf 359#eiffera#i'm allowed to be like this sometimes alright#like i could be posting about eiffel/hera wayyy more than i actually do#in any case sure yes hera is probably the first (though not necessarily the last) person everyone speaks to. most days. but it's different#she tells him he's overslept but this happens all the time and she doesn't actually sound that concerned about it#he tells her it's still dark out and to come back to bed#she doesn't exactly play along but she doesn't contradict him either.#in some way it's annoying to her that eiffel is always asking whether she's there#because of course she is (except when she isn't) and of course he knows that on some level#but she's aware of him all the time in a way that he. isn't equipped for#he knows she's there but asks anyway because he wants that confirmation#and i think post-mayday she understands that#i still like the idea that she asks him that /a lot/ after he's back because some part of her just needs to hear his voice to confirm#that he's really there#like. that's another thing about hera's lack of physicality#however you might feel about it#that she cares about human people and there are some gestures of physical affection that#sometimes you want the ability to say I'm Here without words#but if all you have are words...#they ask each other 'are you there?' like reaching for each other's hand in the dark
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i just remembered theres a whole 2ha adaptation with wonderful casting and costuming and concept art and lots of petals everywhere that we may never see T_T
#cry with me chen feiyu and luo yunxi are you kidding meee#alright going back to forgetting about it#for my health#TAXIAN JUN COME HOME#okay now i'm done for real#on the plus side this means only a little moral purity discourse around 2ha instead of the avalanche it could be#fdskljfdkj sometimes it is funny to think about the folks who mdzs isn't pure enough for#finding out about 2ha#i know some of them have#but at least when i was on the 2ha tag regularly it was very few#in a way it feels like mo ran and chu wanning can enjoy their kinky retirement in peace *prayer hands*#still planning on that earthworm tattoo <3#maybe with a lil umbrella over it u know#okay since i'm not going to make a whole nother post about it#i would like to say that case file compendium was not to my tastes#which is to say it was completely to my tastes until almost the end and then- for me-#a plot thing happened that to me destroyed he yu's character development and then the rest didn't...#like it got back on the rails but. i Could Not Forget#like meatbun did a great job obviously it was just that one choice#like... if he can't be held responsible literally why are we here#anyways meatbun is still a genius hope they're well <3
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We're doing more incorrect quotes, with bits and pieces of the other cast, because I feel like Chikao and Tongbi tonight and said so.
Tongbi: Why does Nezha always do the laundry so loudly?
Chikao: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house.
Nezha: walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone
Nezha, in the distance: slams the washing machine shut
Tongbi: Hey, Nezha, how was your day?
Nezha: picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Tongbi Hell.
Nezha: Where’s Chikao?
Chikao, watching this unfold: whispers Who hurt you?
Tongbi: Around.
Nezha: Around?
Nezha: You don’t have any idea, do you?
DBK: I haven't seen Chikao and Tongbi for fifteen minutes now.
Chikao, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?
Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Chikao and Tongbi running after it in a panic. DBK doesn't look outside at all.
Chikao: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
DBK: That probably means they're getting into trouble.
DBK: Bees?
Chikao: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
DBK: Wait-
DBK: Something tells me Chikao's going to be a bit more unhinged today…
Tongbi approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly
Tongbi: Is there anyone here who’s actually straight?
Chikao, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Tongbi isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral.
Wukong: raises hand
Chikao: puts their hand down
Chikao: Do you guys want to see a butterfly?
Tongbi: Ooh, yes please!
Wukong, with their laptop open: I'm not going to stop working to look at a stupid bug!
Chikao: It's not a bug though…
Wukong: …
Tongbi: …
Wukong: Well I still don't want to see.
Tongbi, realizing: Please don't throw-
Chikao, in Macaque’s window: I thought I’d find you here!
Chikao: Whee! throws a stick of butter
Macaque: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
Tongbi, climbing past Chikao: WE COULD HAVE USED THE DOOR-
Tongbi: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
Chikao: I ate it too-
Tongbi: See?
Chikao:: -On purpose…
Chikao: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to DBK and Wukong's convo?
Macaque & Tongbi: …What?
Azure: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.
Tongbi: I'm in the washing machine.
Macaque: I'm in the closet.
Azure: We accept you Macaque. <3
Macaque: No I'm literally in the closet.
Macaque: Rules were made to be broken.
Azure: Love is love. <3
Tongbi: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Wukong: Uh, piñatas.
Azure: Glow sticks.
DBK: Karate boards.
Chikao: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Macaque: Rules.
Azure, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Tongbi:
Tongbi: Hey.
Chikao: Hi.
Macaque: Hello.
DBK: Hey!
Azure: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker
Wukong: We were out of Doritos.
DBK: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Azure: …I did. I broke it.
DBK: No. No you didn't. Chikao?
Chikao: Don't look at me. Look at Tongbi.
Tongbi: What?! I didn't break it.
Chikao: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Tongbi: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Chikao: Suspicious.
Tongbi: No, it's not!
Macaque: If it matters, probably not, but Wukong was the last one to use it.
Wukong: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Macaque: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Wukong: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Macaque!
Azure: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, DBK.
DBK: No! Who broke it!?
Macaque: DBK… Chikao's been awfully quiet.
Chikao: rEALLY?!
Everyone starts arguing
DBK, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
DBK: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
DBK:
DBK: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
#I don't think Nezha and Chikao get along that much tbh#I think Nezha is tired of constantly being sent down to fix something Chikao broke#and Tongbi is just like 'hey Nezha'#and Nezha's like 'what happened this time'#and Tongbi goes 'oh she accidentally set off an ancient trap that caused a sinkhole'#and Nezha is just tired and goes 'wonderful'#also when I say Tongbi helps Chikao sometimes#that bees thing is what I mean#btw Chikao 100% casually snacks on paper#and most people are just so used to it that it's only when Tongbi asks if he can have some paper do they realize#'Wait'#'You've been eating PAPER these last 5 years??'#the spaghetti when you have a small pot thing JUST made sense to me#what#why am I like this#alright I'm done for the moment#maybe for the night#idk#it's almost 6 does it even count as the night anymore#lmk oc#incorrect quotes
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.
#TLDR this is an add-on post to my previous reblog#because there was something I wanted to clarify in it that I forgot to#probably because I slept in until eleven again and have no idea what month it is anymore#but I digress!#I don't actually completely hate the characters I listed - not nearly the way that I did before#See all those thing I listed weren't just 'generally ruined by bad fandom' characters those are all previous triggers of mine#previous#as in they no longer affect me the way they used to and I've worked very hard to reconstruct my concepts of them away from trauma#Cabbie in PARTICULAR here because that guy went from me wanting nothing to do with him at ALL#to being another trauma-bearing character I have to write out in order to work out complicated emotions in my brain#and later additions surrounding the character have given me reason to enjoy him more fully and with less pressure that I used to feel#the same goes to all characters to varying degrees#though the reasons behind that may be separate#and the processes in which I learned to be alright with them again are mildly varied#There are still some tender places and wounds I'm treating softly#and sometimes not just for my sake but for friends' sakes too - people who were there and people who feel somewhat similarly#but the reason isn't relevant anymore#things just happen#and I'm getting closer every day to better managing the weight that things happening left behind#which circles back to the first statement that no - I don't 'hate' the characters anymore#people ruined them for me once before and I dug my heels in and changed the story#for my own sake#that's about the most you can do y'know?#anyways this was long
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the awokening has passed! woaw
#just me hi#i'm awaaaaaaaaaake (somehooooooooooooow)#despite drinking (some let's be honest) water yesterday my lipsh are STILL dry. the agonies#that's alright though because my back also hurts. [double take] wai....#/Anyway planning on designing a new character today :3#which i probably won't now that i've said it but that's just full disclosure for you#also want to write today! even higher chance of not happening but a guy can dream hhdjvffd#//also been thinking of changing my theme a bit and today would be a good day to get started doing that.........#but i probably won't so ❤✰~-~-~-*\(.ᗜ.)/*-~-~-~✰❤#<- that guy has magic :000#/ngl i don't know What i would even change it to lol#so that holds off those plans (that will definitely happen anyway at like 3:38 a.m. on a thursday) for now hhh#//mmm apples#they're not my favorite but i wish i had one lol#easiest fruit to eat. man#even grapes are sticky sometimes and that's a roulette#[old cowboy voice] they called me Sticky Grape Hand Roulette back in the day. i had the stickiest hand in the west....#//[squints] these funkin. tags are So Thick i can't tell if i've gone over the tag limit#is that the point here. to foil me#it won't work!!!#[yes it will]#!!!
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i love all my friends but really, aside from my village friends, no one and i mean NO ONE has ever texted me or called like "wanna hang out? wanna go for a coffee? wanna have dinner? wanna go to the movies?" NOT ONE
#we should do this sometime#like sometimes they'll say something on a group chat like#but i'm the only one who actually is like 'alright guys let's go to the movies tonight who's free'#and like i know they like me because on my birthday i did manage to get them all together#but it doesn't feel like it when i'm the ONLY one trying to actually make plans#like saying 'we should do x y z sometime' isn't actually doing it and it's not the thought that counts for me bc i have bad memory#and also thinking back and knowing the only reason i ever hang out with anyone at all is because i ask to do it#literally if i go missing for a month i don't think they'd notice or try to text at all#anyway i feel really lonely in this new city even though i have a bunch of friends but they all got other friends#ngl if i had the self restraint and the notifications didn't bother me i would just pretend to disappear for a week see what happens
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//Hello everyone! Alright, here’s an update on things:
I’ve got one more exam to do before I’m done. The good news is that I’ve got plenty time to prepare it, and I’ve decided I’m not going to wait until then to do the things I want to do. That being said, I know it’s going to take me a little while to truly pick up the pace here and I’d like to give a little priority to adopting some healthy habits and improving my lifestyle.
There’s one thing I wanted to address though. I realize that I haven’t really engaged much with the dash and most blogs, both the newcomers and the returning faces (which, by the way, I’m very glad to see back- seriously, it’s lovely to see characters embark on new stories when they seemed to have reached a conclusion, and watching writers come back to the fandom after some time away).
Truth is, I’ve found the dash overwhelming lately. This comes partially from me being too busy to engage, and therefore experiencing something like FOMO because I can’t quite keep up with stuff and be a part of it. The Soulsborne RP community is either getting bigger or becoming more visible to me, and that’s great, but it does also present a challenge to me because if I’m engaged in your character and/or blog, I want to see what you do! I want to see all these things you’ve put effort into, I want to give you feedback, send an ask here and there, have my muse interact with yours!
If I give your post a like, I haven’t just looked at it. If it’s a drabble/headcanon/thread, I’ve read it and re-read it to get a good understanding of it and try to find whatever clues or references you’ve put in there. Perhaps it’d be better for me and the other mun if I gave likes more liberally, but I don’t know, it’s important to me that if I give your post a like, I’ve genuinely had a moment where I’ve stopped and paid attention to nothing but that exact post.
Anyways, where I’m getting with this is that I do feel rather bad that I haven’t quite been able to... welcome? you with the attention and energy I would have liked to have given you. I hope that despite the delay with which I approach you or continue our interactions, we can make up for lost time later.
I’m unsure how I’m going to handle this. I don’t intend to unfollow anyone because of this, as my issue isn’t a lack of interest but my difficulty displaying it and putting it into practice. I do think I’m going to keep a fairly passive attitude (for now) when it comes to seeking new RP partners though, because I cannot comfortably seek and approach some of the blogs I’ve seen mutuals interact with when I’m already struggling to give my time to said mutuals. I’ll still be happy to plot and write interactions with blogs that approach me though.
Anyways, thank you for your patience once more and hopefully it won’t take long for you to see me more here. May things go well for you!
#posting this at late hours (for me!) because I am driven by impulse#ooc#I'm also admittedly hesitant to start liking posts sometimes... it's silly but when I haven't really engaged with someone for a long time#it feels odd to break the ice with certain things. It's probably not worth it to think that way and I am working towards fixing that#working towards feeling less anxious about the simple stuff. Because we all need some feedback and interest from people to keep going#and feel appreciated#and I don't like that this flaw of mine gets in the way of me showing my appreciation to the things you put hard work into#nothing prompted this btw- it's just that I've been thinking about this a lot last year#and with the resurgence that came with Elden Ring. I hope people don't interpret my quietness like there's some 'bad blood' going on#I don't want to like... limit myself to one spot in the fandom either#I think that's one of the biggest factors to how I initially lost my drive to write Ornstein: got too comfortable in one spot of the fandom#so when most of those people started to leave or become inactive I had a really rough time approaching the others#even though I genuinely had nothing against any of them. I don't want that to happen here and I want to be engaged in the community#'Croc don't use the tags of your ooc post to add 50% of the information' challenge when#jokes aside. I hope you're all doing alright. Looking forward to making these posts less necessary! ^^#also I hope the 'this is how I treat likes' part doesn't come off as pretentious. I only want to give a little perspective and clarify that
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I just want to scream. Sorry for this rant I'll probably delete it later but don't come back and talk to me about if we can switch the midshift person to come in at 8am instead of 9 (in my case 10 when I'm mid) because the person who is supposed to open isn't reliable and always calls off. Like okay sure screw us over at night because the one person can't fucking show up instead of, oh idk GETTING SOMEBODY RELIABLE TO REPLACE THEM?!?!
#out of camp {ooc}#I'm just so fucking done right now#know when stuff happens and goes to shit at night? that 4-6pm period#but no that's alright have 2 people at open and only 1 for the rest of the day#i love this job and all and will never quit but i really want to cry sometimes#and it is all because of one fucking person who can't do her god damn job
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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