It’s snowing where I live right now! Last time it snowed in my city, it was 1989! It’s my first time seeing snow! I’m so happy right now!

Tw: mental health, depressive thoughts, rambles, rant

There’s a snowstorm right outside my apartment, and I haven’t been able to leave because it’s been nonstop snowing since last night. A lot of Colorado is covered in snow right now and we especially are here in the mountains. I have been left with my own thoughts and I can’t help but wonder what could’ve been.

I met with a therapist, one of the four I’ve seen this past two weeks, and he asked me if I had anything to live for and what I wanted to do with my life. I don’t really have anything. Everything I want to do is out of reach and won’t happen; I’m too ugly for anyone to ever love me, never mind getting married. I want to have kids but my mind is so fucked up they’ll end up sad like me too. I’m going to be mentally ill for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t know if I want to. I’m a history major who has lost all joy in studying because I’m going to have to make money off of something I love. I’m hopefully going to go to grad school but only because I’ve been told it’s the only way I’ll be able to get a job. I don’t want to do any of this.

He asked me, if I could turn back time, what I would want to be, and I said a race car driver. It wouldn’t matter what discipline it was in, I just wanted to drive fast cars. I had cars as a kid but I wasn’t really allowed to do anything else because they weren’t “feminine enough”. Even if I wanted to do something like karting or minimoto, I lived in too rural of an area and it cost too much money.

I am sitting here writing this and realizing just how little I have done with my life. Pedro Acosta and I were born on the exact same day in the exact same year yet I am calling my insurance company to see if they’ll pay for therapy in a different state and he’s a two time world champ racing in MotoGP. Gavi is a couple months younger than me and is already a star football player. Izan is two months younger than me and is a world champ. I look older for my age and people are surprised to learn I’m still a teenager, and I feel so insecure because I’m not supposed to look like this. I’m chicane yet I’m embarrassed whenever I speak Spanish because I’m not fully fluent and I feel like everyone is judging me.

I’m developmentally and socially behind my peers, the same age and younger than me. I can’t understand social cues, I mess up every relationship, I keep falling for people who I’ll never have, and I puke and starve to make myself feel better. I have no idea who I am and what I’m doing with my life.

So yeah, what snowdays do to a mfer.