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mimicutie · 4 years

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Pit is Autistic - A “Brief” Analysis

Kid Icarus: Uprising is my favorite game of all time, and one thing I love about it is the characterization of Pit. Specifically, I see him as autistic. Of course, this is just a headcanon of mine, but I wanted to write out a little discussion explaining why I see him as such as well as show some of the autistic traits he demonstrates in Uprising (and the occasional reference to the Guidance conversations from Smash).

(fair warning, this is not very brief)

Difficulty Understanding Words and Jokes

It’s made abundantly clear that Pit isn’t the best at picking up sarcasm or jokes. At times, he struggles with understanding words, phrases, and context. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 11.

Pit: Good! There are survivors! Palutena: They’re a stubborn bunch hanging on like that. [...] Pit: Uh… stubborn? Palutena: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.

Here, Pit doesn’t understand what Palutena means by “stubborn.” It’s pretty common for autistic people to struggle understanding parts of speech, such as words being used in different contexts than what they’re used to.

Medusa: Hmm… Now this is a little… bizarre. Pit: I know right? The mouth on that guy! I’d never talk like that! Medusa: That’s not what I meant. Palutena: Sorry. He can be a little… thick.

Once again, Pit is misinterpreting the situation. He doesn’t understand what Medusa is alluding to, thinking that she is talking about Dark Pit’s brash behavior. Palutena’s last comment hints that it’s very common for Pit to misunderstand people like this.

Pit: I’m Pit, servant of the goddess Palutena. I’m here to defeat Dark Lord Gaol. Magnus: So you’re here for a slice of the pie too? Pit: Huh? Pie? Where?

Chapter 2 has several examples of Pit not picking up on obvious jokes or idioms, and here’s one. Pit takes the idiom literally, not understanding what Magnus really means at first.

Viridi: Pit certainly is devoted to you, Palutena. Hades: Only because she squeezes his head wreath when he doesn’t follow orders. Palutena: You mean like… THIS?! Pit: No no no no no! You’ll squeeze my brains out! … (sigh) Why do I always fall for that?

In this example from Chapter 15, Palutena is clearly messing with Pit, but as he stated, he always falls for her jokes. Even though it’s clear she is just teasing, Pit can’t pick up on the fact that she isn’t being serious. He consistently struggles with understanding tone.

Pit: This is so annoying. Lady Palutena, help me out here! Palutena: Deploying the Palutena Super Sensor… Pit: I didn’t know you had a super sensor! Palutena: Hee hee. I don’t. You know I like to make stuff up. Pit: I can’t believe you’re messing with me at a time like this!

This dialogue from Chapter 13 is just another example of Palutena clearly joking while Pit does not pick up on it. Even though Palutena has done this time and time again, Pit still struggles to tell when someone, even a person he is incredibly close to like Palutena, is just messing with him. These are just a few examples. Pit commonly struggles with understanding language and tone throughout the game.

Using Words Differently

We can see that Pit has his own unique vocabulary with his own creative phrases like, “Calamaried!” “Re-defeated!” “Pulverazed!” and so on. Pit also makes LOTS of noises throughout the game, all of his “woohoo”s and “woah”s and whatnot. It’s just how he communicates, even if it's a bit particular or different.

Expressiveness

Pit is excitable. Like, really excitable. Sure, he’s a fun video game protagonist, but he’s always very happy-go-lucky and upbeat in a way that reads to me as autistic. Just look at how he jumps in excitement!

And when he gets the Three Sacred Treasure?! Gifs can’t really do the excitement in this scene justice. (link in case tumblr embed isn’t working)

youtube

Additionally, while Uprising doesn’t have a lot of cutscenes with Pit just standing around talking, in the ones where he does he is usually very expressive, using his hands to talk and whatnot. Added with his excitability, I feel that this shows us that Pit is so expressive and emotional because he’s autistic!

Extra Help

Pit needs more help with understanding things in comparison to others. Palutena often goes out of her way to guide Pit, whether it be giving him directions or explaining how to defeat an enemy. While Palutena’s advice does work as a guide for the player, it’s clear that Pit needs the help more than someone else his situation might. The clearest proof we have of this comes from Chapter 22.

Palutena: Watch out for that heart-shaped crystal barrier! You see, it’s— Dark Pit: Reflecting my shots back at me, right? Palutena: Well… yes. Dark Pit: I got it, so stop telling me what to do!

Palutena is expecting Dark Pit to be like Pit, where she needs to explain to him what’s going on and offer her guidance. However, Dark Pit was able to figure out a strategy to defeat Pandora all on his own. Palutena is very aware that Pit needs a bit more help and prepares accordingly for him.

Accidental Rudeness

Many times throughout Uprising, Pit is shown speaking “rudely” towards gods or characters who have authority over him.

Pit: Oh, great! You’re the guy I’m looking for. Listen, I have a favor to ask you. Would you mind if I borrow your chariot for just a little while? Chariot Master: Your foolishness is matched only by your rudeness. How dare you charge in here, flinging unreasonable requests at me? [...] Viridi: You can’t really blame him for being upset. That was kind of rude.

Here, Pit is talking to the Chariot Master very casually, treating him like a friend despite the fact he is breaking into the Chariot Master’s tower and asking him for a precious artifact. Pit doesn’t see it as rude but Viridi and the Chariot Master clearly do. He is breaking an unwritten social norm by talking so casually to someone of high authority. Autistic people often misinterpret social situations or don’t act appropriately, sometimes resulting in “rude” behavior. There are several examples of this throughout the game, such as in Chapter 24…

Pit: You know, the Three Sacred Treasures weren’t exactly durable. Can you please make sure that this new weapon won’t just fall apart? Dyntos: Palutena, you’d be wise to put a muzzle on your chicken. Palutena: I apologize for him. Again. Pit: I… I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to be rude.

To Pit, he is just stating a fact. However, it comes off to Dyntos as Pit being rude or even insulting his work. This is something that autistic people often do; they are blunt or honest about something, which is again mistaken as being rude.

Pit is also seen being more blunt when under emotional stress, such as in Chapter 20.

Pit: I trusted you because I knew you were on the side of justice, and… and light! But something is blocking that light now. This isn’t the real you. Viridi: Someone cue the strings… Pit: Would you mind holding the commentary for two seconds, Viridi? Phosphora: There are goddesses you’re talking to here, Pit. Watch your tone. Pit: Butt out, Phosphora! The goddess of light has turned dark. Skyworld is destroyed! Everything is wrong, and it’s up to me to make things right! Palutena: Oh, Pit. You’re just as naive as ever. Pit: I’m not naive!

Phew. This scene is pretty noteworthy to me because throughout the game, Pit is never really that angry or upset. He does show hostility, but he never really snaps at anyone, much less gods, like this. But when his home is destroyed and Lady Palutena is not herself, his emotions get the better of him. He doesn’t even seem to care that he is being “rude” to Viridi. I definitely see this moment as Pit having an outburst because of the stressful situation he is under.

Scripts / Scripting

The most obvious example of Pit using a script is with his “rally cries” that he prepares before fighting enemies. Look at the idol description for this AR Card.

He practices his rally cries a lot in order to be prepared for battles with bosses. Pit even mentions practicing his rally cries in a later chapter.

Pit: Cells of Hades, hear my words! And, um… see my actions! Uh… something, something… I’m going to rain death on you! I can’t remember all the words, but that’s the general gist. Hades: My innards have so longed to hear your battle cry. How could you forget the words? Pit: I didn’t have time to rehearse. I’ve been busy fighting evil, okay?!

While some may see the rally cries as meaningless fun, I think it could be seen as Pit having a script that he likes to fall back to when facing enemies.

His many references and quotes to video games could be seen as scripting, too. There are lots of instances in Uprising, and especially in Palutena’s Guidance, where Pit quotes famous video game phrases or imitates sounds. Which leads me to…

Special Interest

Pit’s special interest is video games. While Pit’s very vast knowledge of video games could just be because of Uprising’s fourth-wall breaking style of humor, I think it could also be seen as Pit having an intense interest in games. He references various video games such as Metroid, Nintendogs, and Super Smash Bros. in-game. He seems to enjoy bringing up video games or referencing video game mechanics whenever he can, which is very similar to how autistic people enjoy bringing up their special interests in conversations whenever possible. Additionally, while the Palutena’s Guidance conversations aren’t 100% accurate to canon, Pit constantly references and alludes to various video games in them, such as quoting Reyn in Shulk’s conversation or Peppy and General Pepper in Fox’s (which ties back to him scripting). It’s clear that he loves video games and talking about video games!

Pit: Those Aurum troops are doing their best Game and Watch impression! Viridi: Check out the gaming IQ on this guy! You’re a regular video game historian!

See, even Viridi is impressed with his video game knowledge! :D

Sensory Issues

Throughout the game, Pit seems to have an obsession with hot springs. It is never outright explained why he loves them so much, but I’m led to believe it is because of sensory reasons. Many autistic people use extreme temperatures to help soothe or calm themselves, such as cold showers or hot baths. It can often help with sensory overload. Hot springs, similarly to hot baths, may be a way to help soothe Pit and keep his sensory issues to a minimum.

Pit’s habits with his tunic seem to hint towards sensory issues, too. He doesn’t like to be without his robes, stating that he keeps them on even when he’s in the hot spring. When his clothes seemingly get messed up in Chapter 21, he gets upset, exclaiming that it’s his only tunic. Wearing the same clothes or same types of clothes/fabric is pretty typical for autistic people, and Pit wearing the same tunic everyday is similar to that.

Additionally, Pit’s habits with food could be because of sensory differences. He very well could be hyposensitive to food and tastes, which is why he eats a lot and doesn’t seem to care about what he eats (as long as it isn’t vegetables, according to the Revolting Dinner short ;D ) .

Small Social Circle

Pit doesn’t have a whole lot of people he can rely on. Before Uprising, the only person he seems to have any affinity for is Palutena. Other than that, he doesn’t seem to talk to anyone else. We don’t have a clear picture on what his relationship with the Centurions is like, but based off of the Revolting Dinner short and Chapter 17, he only really talks to them when he’s working as the Captain of the Army and not as a friend.

While yes, Pit is the only angel left in Skyworld, I still think it’s important to bring up that Pit only really has Palutena to rely on. By the end of Uprising, he has Viridi and Dark Pit as well, but his only clear and completely positive relationship is his mother-son bond with Palutena. I see this as Pit struggling to really befriend others. He’s had over two decades between the original game and Uprising to befriend the Centurions, but again, he only really has Palutena. It’s pretty typical for autistic people to have very small social circles, consisting of just one or two friends. Palutena seems to fit the role of mother and best friend for Pit, and she even remarks that he should make more friends in Chapter 4.

Working Alone

This is a small one, but still something that I think is worth pointing out. Pit seems very adamant on accomplishing his missions on his own, telling Dark Pit on two separate occasions (Chapter 9 and Chapter 21) that he can handle the situation by himself. Similarly, it’s common for autistic people to prefer working by themselves rather than with others. Paired with the previous point about having a small social circle, this just reads to me as Pit not feeling too comfortable in situations with others.

Conclusion

There’s a few other points that I feel I could bring up but overall I think these are my main points summed up (and yes, I said summed up. this used to be over 2500 words) ! Thanks so much for reading! If you have any other traits that you think Pit has that I didn’t mention, feel free to share them, I’d be more than happy to hear! ^_^

#kid icarus #kid icarus uprising #pit #kiu #autism headcanon #autistic headcanon #LOL idk what else to tag this as #thank u to anyone who reads ; __ ; this is .... a Lot

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raystxntz · 2 years

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I still....can’t help but feel like I ruined things. No, I’m not going to get all emotional over it again. I....can’t.

Then people get cross with me, and I know better than that. At least I should.

My home life....my parents tried their best, obviously, to deal with an autistic child, but it was just....any strong emotion that I showed was viewed as overreacting. They didn’t want me to say when I was so angry I couldn’t breathe, or sad over things that most people would just brush off. They wanted me to be the nice, gentle, happy kid who never let anything affect him. So that’s what I was. If I didn’t let the clouds roll in, I could make people happy. And everything would be fine.

But now I base my entire self-worth around that. And I know I shouldn’t. But I just learned it’s better to bottle these emotions up than let people get frustrated over seeing them from me all the time. And then they explode and hurt people, and I...need to stop doing that, it’s true. Nothing is really telling me how.

...Really, the emotional side is just another part I’ve had to hide. Like the stimming and the eye contact thing and rehearsing conversations a million times over in my head just so I can have some degree of normalcy, because people don’t want me to be....whatever I am. They want me to be normal. They need me to be normal. They need me to be the sunshine-y, happy guy that never lets anything ruffle him. And I’ve found friends who don’t think that, but my brain convinces me that they do, and then I inevitably make them angry with me by showing those emotions again, just like I’ve done with Louis and Walter and Elon and what I’ll probably inevitably do with everyone else-

Sorry. I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m fine I’m CALM EVERYTHING IS FINE

....why isn’t it working why isn’t it working why isn’t it working

#OOC: this is based on some very sad headcanons the discord threw out hehehehehehehe #ghostbusters #ray stantz #roleplay blog #open rp

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chilling-seavey · 4 years

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Lucy and Christian ft. jealous Penelope ~T

Penelope stood in the kitchen silently, staring across the house to the living room where Lucy and Christian were going over her lines for her elementary school play. Lucy was only twelve but had snagged the lead female role in the musical Oliver! which often was given to eight graders. Of course, Lucy needed all the help she could get to live up to the past standards of the previous years’ older leads so Christmas break allowed her for ample time picking Christian’s brain from his few years studying acting in college.

This meant Penelope was stuck watching from the sidelines as her favourite uncle whom she barely got to see more than once a year, was busy with her little sister. She was leaned forward against the island, waiting for the kettle to finish boiling for her hot chocolate, lips pursed as she watched the two of them rehearse.

“Jealousy isn’t a good colour on you, Nell.” Clementine chuckled from behind her, following her gaze into the living room as she dried one of the pots from dinner by hand.

“Her little sister is spending too much time with her husband.” Tyler tisked playfully.

“Ugh, he’s not my husband.” Penelope glared at him over her shoulder.

“You did get married.” Anna reminded her, pushing the soaking wet lid of the pot into her hands to get her to help dry.

“It was pretend. I was four.” Penelope mumbled.

“There’s no incestuous relationships in this family, thank you very much.” Clementine said through a laugh.

“Ugh. Gross.” Penelope smacked her with the tea towel.

Over in the living room, Lucy was stood on the coffee table in her socks, script in one hand and her other held to her head, “Monks bought a locket from Mr. Bumble. That locket was the last hope of anyone saving Oliver. Monks dumped it in the river. Then Fagin could feel safe doing whatever he wanted with Oliver, since no one would ever know who he was.”

“Cue the tears!” Christian instructed.

Lucy let out the fakest sob ever, enough to make both of them laugh.

“I need to re-do that.” she laughed, taking a second to regain herself before offering a more believable cry, reaching out to grab onto his arm “Monks stood by the offer he had made. He wanted Fagin to turn Oliver into a thief. Monks wanted the pleasure of seeing Oliver in jail, or on the gallows!”

“Fagin agreed? I can't believe anyone could be so evil.” Christian read from his own copy of the script, clinging onto Lucy in her despairing state as if to keep her upright.

“Chi-Chi.”

Lucy and Christian looked over to Penelope standing a few steps away.

“What’s up, Nell?”

“Can we go out to read by the fire soon? You said we could tonight.”

“Sure thing, pumpkin. Just gonna finish up here and I’ll be right out. You start the fire, okay?” Christian smiled.

Penelope grinned and nodded and rushed out the back door with two mugs of hot chocolate in hand.

Christian turned back to Lucy, “Where were we?”

They kept up their little rehearsal for a while longer even as Tyler left for home and Anna and Clementine headed downstairs to watch a movie together, and soon one more scene turned into most of them.

Lucy had a knack for acting and Christian was living for it, at only twelve her passion was fiery and she honestly didn’t need much instruction as she pointed a finger right into his chest, “Listen to what I say. I risk my life to say it! But better my life than the boy's. He has some hope of a better life. I have none.”

Christian spoke gently, “But you're so young!”

Lucy turned away dramatically from him, lowering her voice to a reminiscent tone, “Young in years, but old in every other way. Too old to change.” She shook it off into a more confident status, “But enough about me. I must tell you about Oliver while there is still time to save him!”

They were interrupted by the front door opening as Daniel and Florence and his parents came back from their dinner out, “We’re back!”

Lucy shouted her greeting, rushing over to hug her parents and grandparents hello with excitement about all they had practiced, but Christian’s eyes went wide and he pulled out his phone to check the time. Nearly an hour and a half had passed since he had promised Penelope he would read with her and he excused himself quickly before tossing his script onto the couch and slipped on his shoes to rush outside.

The fire was still crackling across the backyard and Christian trudged through the snow to the firepit. Penelope was sat under a thick blanket, nearly half asleep, two still-filled mugs of hot chocolate sitting cold on the arms of the outdoor sofa. Christian sighed sadly before sitting beside her and she was still awake enough to stir easily, blinking her eyes open to look at him.

“Hey.” he whispered.

“Hi.” she mumbled, sitting up straighter and kept her focus on the crackling fire.

“I’m so sorry. I lost track of time.” Christian shuffled under the blanket with her.

Penelope sniffled, “You said we could read tonight.”

“I know I did. It was a really shitty thing of me to do; to not follow through on that and that’s my bad. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Lucy’s more exciting than me anyway.” Penelope shrugged.

“Hey. That’s not true.” Christian tisked, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and she curled into him habitually. “You’re just as amazing to spend time with.”

“No, I’m not. I’m quiet and shy and boring. You would much rather be loud and annoying with her…doing fun things with my stupid baby sister.”

“Oh my gosh, Penelope. Don’t say that.” Christian sighed. “Lucy may be younger and louder and need my advice on acting but that doesn’t mean I love her more than you. You know I love reading with you and when we can talk for hours out here about one scene.”

“Yeah?” Penelope looked up at him with worry in her eyes.

“Of course.” Christian nodded. “We are married after all, remember? You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Oh, shut up.” Penelope groaned with annoyance through her light laughter, pushing herself away from him slightly.

“My dad was a pastor. That ceremony was totally legitimate.” Christian shrugged.

“I bet.” Penelope scoffed, cracking a small smile.

Christian squished her cheek a little, right over her dimple, “You got my face, you know? It’s hard to forget about you.”

“But you did tonight.” Penelope protested lightly.

“I did not! I was just…delayed.”

“Delayed in the head.” Penelope smacked him in the face with a handful of snow.

Christian gaped at her, “Penelope Magnolia Seavey!”

“I’m allowed to say that! I have the autistic pass!” Penelope laughed, jumping up to rush back off towards the house with the blanket dragging behind her. Christian managed to hit her with a snowball before she even reached the porch which turned into a quick snowball fight in the dark backyard.

Lucy opened the sliding back door to see what all the noise was about, earning her a bombardment of snow thrown at her, half landing inside the house, “Guys!” she shrieked.

“Christian John!” Keri shouted from inside. “There is now snow on my good wood floors!”

“See what happens when you’re the quiet one? You’re the perfect angel and don’t get in trouble.” Christian grumbled lightheartedly to Penelope who grinned up at him sweetly.

#christian seavey #daniel seavey #why dont we #anything but mine

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speedycubed · 3 years

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use the sleeves of my sweater.

summary: luke had been glad when his dysphoria shifted from being in the wrong body to being in no body, but that all comes crashing around him after playing the orpheum.

notes: this story features trans & autistic luke. i draw from my own experiences as an autistic transmasc individual when describing things that have to do with those features. // crossposted on ao3 if you would rather read it there.

triggers: descriptions of dysphoria, unsafe binding (not taking a binder off for extended periods of time & exercising in a binder)

The one thing Luke had been on board with after becoming a ghost was the lessened dysphoria. Without a corporeal body, most of the dysphoria the first few weeks had been about being intangible as opposed to being in the wrong body. It was blissful to have something else to focus on when it came to his body.

But after he had adjusted to being a ghost, and especially after the Orpheum performance, dysphoria came smashing back into his life. It had happened one day in rehearsal. He was jumping around, strumming his guitar as he always did when he felt a pressure on his ribs. Luke stopped jumping around, deciding to stand still, figuring that would solve his problem. A few minutes later, after they finished that runthrough, he sat on the couch, claiming to be worn out. That was when he felt it.

The press of his breasts against his binder.

He had died wearing it and since they didn’t need to breathe anymore and were made of air, he felt no need to ever take it off. After all, the phantoms had been distracted by the fact that they were ghosts with no bodies to speak of to focus on changing clothes. Even after they figured out that they could, it was all just to regain some normalcy in their (after)lives.

But after jumping and sweating for the hours of rehearsal, he was finally feeling it. That was going to bruise.

Luke looked up, noticing the concern in Julie’s eyes. “It’s fine,” he said, waving a hand to dismiss concern. “Just my ribs hurt after all that exercise.”

“Your ribs? That’s weird. Don't you mean, like, a stitch in your side or something like that?” she asked, wanting to make sure her boyfriend was okay.

Fuck. He should have just gone with that. Now he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Most people don’t get rib pain from exercise. They get other types of pain, sure, but this is a trans issue.

“Uh, y-yeah,” Luke pointed at her, nodding to cover his shame at almost getting caught, “That’s what I meant. Have a stitch in my side, yep, that’s what my pain is.” Stupid brain making him flap his hands and stutter through the agreement. Now she would know something was wrong.

“Okay. Well, if you can take it, there’s some Tylenol in the bathroom behind the mirror.” She nodded, dismissing herself, a worry still clear on her face, but not wanting to make it worse.

As soon as Julie was out of the studio, Alex was next to Luke, sitting on the floor in front of him.

“Take it off,” Alex said, voice stern.

Luke laughed it off, which only made the pain worse. “Take what off?” His nervous laughter filled the studio followed by coughing.

“You think we didn’t notice?” Reggie said from up in the loft. He tossed one of Luke’s bigger hoodies that still had the sleeves on it over the railing before poofing to be next to the guitarist. “You died wearing it and haven’t taken it off since.”

Luke huffed, crossing his arms. “It’s not like I needed to breathe! And until just now I didn’t even notice the pressure.”

“Breathe?” Alex and Reggie looked up, seeing Julie with a water bottle in hand. The bottle dropped, plastic making it bounce a couple of times before stilling. “And the thing with rib pain earlier…” She walked up to her boyfriend, kneeling in front of him. “You don’t have to answer, but this sounds familiar. I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t be asking unless I figured that knowing would make me able to help more. Luke—” Julie looked him in the eyes, wishing she could hold his hands as she spoke to give some comfort, but that might make it worse. “—are you trans?”

Luke looks up, fear in his eyes. Thoughts ran through his head a mile a minute. How did she find out? Is she going to want to date me anymore? Is she going to quit the band? How will I cope if she leaves? Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

She seems to see his panic and backtracks. “I’m so, so, sorry if you’re not and this makes it seem like I’m assuming things, but with the breathing problems and the sudden need to rest and the rib pain… It all sounds like what one of the boys at school was talking about during one of our gay club meetings. And if you are I want to be supportive and help in any way that you’ll let me.” Her words rush out, apologizing for what she said, telling them that it was rude of her to ever ask and that she shouldn’t have, it’s none of her business, that she wouldn’t have asked without a reason.

The other two boys in the room got it, nodding along to her apology while they tried to comfort their friend.

But the one she was apologizing to didn’t hear any of it. Luke was quiet, his brain still telling him that this was a bad idea. All he could do was let out some tears before grabbing the hoodie Reggie had brought him and fleeing off to the bathroom to change.

Yanking his binder off proved to both lessen and enhance his dysphoria. Now he couldn’t feel the pressure of having his chest tied down, reminding him that he had breasts, but now everyone else could see that he had them. Luke put his shirt back on, slipping the hoodie over his head, and poofed off to the beach where he didn’t have to deal with the fact that he was just basically forced out of the closet by his girlfriend.

He chewed on the sleeves of his hoodie, having chewed the strings out long ago, staring out at the people on the beach. Now everything felt wrong. His skin pulled tight and he felt all of the body dysphoria he thought he had escaped after becoming a ghost.

The corners of his sleeves were soaked in his saliva before he got tired of staring at the people on the beach who all just reminded him of what he could never be. He poofed into the bike shop that stood where the Peters’ house had once been.

There was only one worker, a teenager dressed in all black. But it was the music playing over the speakers that he really noticed. It was classical. Something he didn’t expect from a bike shop, but it helped. Classical had been the only genre he ever listened to before developing his own music taste. His mother and father were both classically trained string players who had signed Luke up for viola lessons as soon as he expressed interest in his parents’ instruments, so their house was always full of symphonies.

As much as it hurt to hear music that he always associated with his parents, it was nice to have something else to focus on. Now Luke just focused on picking apart the instruments used during each section, wondering how he would play it if given the sheet music. It was calming to try and remember each position and each fingering. It was calming to try and pick apart each line, each note, in order to try and find the key.

His concentration was broken by the sound of the phone ringing. The employee sighed, rolling their eyes as they picked it up. At the same time that happened, Luke heard a little “poof” next to him. He turned only to see Alex.

“How did you even think to check here?”

“Saw your silhouette in the window as we checked the beach,” Alex said.

Luke groaned at the “we.” That meant that the others were here.

“Did you tell her?”

“No.”

Luke fell silent once more. A part of him was glad that the boys hadn’t spilled his secret. It wasn’t theirs to tell, after all. But another part of him wished that they had just told Julie. That would have taken all of the pressure off of him.

He looked at Alex as the final notes of Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons: Summer” faded and the host began to introduce the next piece.

“Can you tell her for me? I’m pretty sure that she already knows after earlier, j-just confirm it for her.” The guitarist hated that he had to ask—it put unfair pressure on Alex. Having to ask someone else to come out for him was a coward’s move, but Luke was so, so scared. He didn’t want to have to face Julie, knowing that no matter what she said, it was likely to worsen his mood. And that would worsen his dysphoria as his mind sat in its darkest corners.

“Yeah.” Alex nodded, poofing back out to the beach.

Luke turned around in the bike shop so he could see his bandmates. Even though he couldn’t hear them, he could tell exactly when the words left Alex’s mouth. He could tell because he knew Julie’s body language. He saw her nod and bite her bottom lip before opening her mouth to talk.

He could imagine her voice as she told the boys how she didn’t love him anymore. Logically, Luke knew that this wouldn’t be something that Julie would break up with him over. She often talked about Los Feliz’s gay club (the offical title was the Los Feliz GSA, but no one called it that, according to Julie) and suppoting her non-cis friends. But anxiety is a bitch. The voice in his head said that the reason he saw tears on his girlfriend’s cheeks was because she thought he had lied to her. The voice in his head said that he was about to get broken up with.

Luke decided that the voice in his head was a little bitch and poofed out of the bike shop, landing next to Julie.

She turned to him, wiping her tears. “You know I don’t think of you any differently because of this, right?” Her eyes were wide, pleading him to soak in her words. She loved him and nothing would change that.

I kn-know, j-just…” He pursed his lips, bringing his sleeve up once more. Luke hated his stupid stutter, especially when it came to difficult conversations. He chewed on his sleeves, trying to find the words. “Anxiety.” It was all that he could come up with as an explanation without devolving into word vomit.

Julie nodded in understanding. “Anxiety’s a bitch.”

The group fell quiet as Luke flopped onto the beach. He removed his sleeve for a moment to ask for hugs, which the boys gave. Julie sat next to him and held his hand so she wouldn’t be seen hugging air. They may have figured out how to talk to them in pubic (a pair of cheap earbuds with the wires cut off made for an excellent pair of fake AirPods that made people think she was just on the phone), but they couldn’t figure out how to make her be able to touch them in public without looking insane.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I was out of line, that was an invasive question that I shouldn’t have asked. I keep talking about boundaries and yet I completely broke one of yours today.”

“It’s fine.” His voice was muffled from the stimming, but the words were easy enough to make out.

Julie looked to her metamour, asking for help. Reggie had known Luke a lot longer, so she figured he might be able to get the point across a little better. Reggie shook his head. This was between her and Luke.

“Hey buddy, are you better enough that Alex and I can leave? I think you and Julie need to have a talk—boyfriend to girlfriend.”

Luke snorted. “But you’re my boyfriend, idiot.” His eyes got sad once again, “But you’re right. See you guys.”

Reggie and Alex poofed out, heading back to the studio.

“You may say it’s fine Luke, but that’s not going to stop me from apologizing. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”

“But y-you’re my girlfriend… Doesn’t that make it your bus-business?”

“Only if you wanted it to be. If it’s to become my business then you have to be the one to make it my business. You would have had to have told me first.” She shed a few tears, trying to hold back from crying until they finished this conversation. “I’m sorry I took that opportunity away from you.”

“I wanted to tell you, but I figured it didn’t matter anym-more—” he laughed at Julie’s confused eyebrows, “I haven’t felt major body d-dys-dysphoria until t-today. And I’m air, so I haven’t taken off my b-binder all this time.” Julie gasped. “It’s off right now if that’s what you’re worried about,” he glanced at his chest, nervous. “But, yeah, it’s not like I can do anything about it. I’m intangible, so I’m stuck in the body I had when I died.

“I figured that I would t-tell you down the line, after we had m-more time to get used to our relationship. But then dysphoria hit me all at once during rehearsal. Suddenly I could feel all of the things that I got rid of when I be-became a ghost.

“Sorry that you have a broken boyfriend.” He ended his explanation and stared down at the sand, putting a finger in his mouth, nibbling on the tip to give his sleeve a break. He didn’t want to ruin another one of his dysphoria hoodies. A few holes were nothing, but too many would destroy the sleeve.

“You are not broken. Not in any way.” Julie says, grabbing onto Luke’s shoulders so he has to look her in the eyes. At this point, she only cared about getting her boyfriend to believe her, not the people who would think she was crazy as she held onto nothing. “You are Luke, mine and Reggie’s precious boyfriend, a massive dork, guitarist for Julie and the Phantoms, one of the best songwriters I’ve ever met. There is nothing wrong with you—you’re just you. No one is broken, they just have different pieces. Please don't ever refer to yourself as broken ever again.”

“Okay,” he whispered, fear still jostling his thoughts around. “Let’s go home and cuddle pile with Reg.”

Julie laughed softly, sounding like a fairy from Tinker Bell. “Sounds amazing.”

#*writing #iwests #jatp #luke patterson #juke #ruke #tw: dysphoria #tw: unsafe binding #//#sorry about the sudden ending #i just suck at endings that aren't either 'this could be a transition' or 'everyone died. the end.'

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chronically-autistic-dinosaur · 5 years

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This is an EXTREMELY long post, but there you have it:

With the exception of the first photo, these tests were taken in March. I took the same tests back in November and I took them even earlier than that as well. I got nearly the the same results. I score high for Aspergers. I’ve had questions and concerns for the past 5 or so years about whether or not I had ASD (certain things stuck out to me) and so I started to do some research. I did those tests, talked to some people, and looked into my childhood and realized the signs were always there. Now, I could pay almost $3000 and get my diagnosis on a piece of paper, but what’s the point of that? I’ll still get the same results on the tests. The diagnosis will just sit in my medical file and unless I plan on getting government benefits, I don’t see the point. Yes, I was diagnosed when I was 12. No, I don’t have it in writing anywhere (that I know of). My testing was done as part of a clinical trial I was in and the results of those are never made public or put in a medical record. It sucks, but that’s how those things work. My parents know my diagnosis and I know. That’s enough for me.

Yes, I hit every developmental milestone, but most of us with Aspergers do. We don’t normally have the speech and language deficits that those elsewhere on the spectrum will have. It’s why we are usually misdiagnosed/diagnosed later in life. We are more intelligent than most people. My IQ is 120 (according to all the free tests I’ve done here and the over the years). Now that’s not genius level, but it IS higher than normal. I was reading proficiently at 4 years old. By the time I was in Kindergarten, I was reading at a grade 3 level and could comprehend what I was reading. We have excellent memory recall. I can retain information a lot easier than most. I could name the capital cities of most countries (and if given a few minutes, I could still remember). I love reference books and text books and I was the same way as a child. I’ve always been smarter than my age, which is common for Aspies.

In the language category though, I DO have minor echolalia. I will mimic/repeat what people have said to me. When a customer tells me they are paying with debit (or whatever their payment method is), I will repeat what they said. I’ll repeat numbers back when someone is telling me them. I’ll repeat phrases I hear on TV or movies. It may be immediate or it may be a delayed response somewhere down the road. I use words and phrases out of context. I’ll print something or a receipt will print and I will say “perfect” or “excellent.” I heard the word somewhere and I’m now repeating it in a situation. I talk to myself. And I’m talking full on conversations. Extremely common in those with ASD. I did it as a child as well but it would have been chalked up to “oh she just has an imaginary friend.”

I have very particular interests. At the age of 5, I was reading medical dictionaries and encyclopedias. I love anything medical. I love true crime and serial killers. My favourite TV shows are either medical or crime related. In grade 2, I knew the name of every dinosaur and what period they lived in. If I’m talking to people and they don’t like either of those things, the conversation is over. I could go on and on about my interests and not get bored. This is another ASD trait.

I also inventoried my Halloween candy. I did this every year up until I stopped trick or treating. I organized my teddy bears and inventoried them as well. In fact, everything in my bedroom was inventoried. I had a massive Barbie doll collection and I would spend hours setting everything up in VERY specific spots. It would stay like that for months and the Barbies wouldn’t get played with because I didn’t want anything to get touched and wrecked.

Stimming. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s how I deal with the world around me. Stimming calms me down and can prevent a meltdown. As a child, I chewed things. I chewed my sleeves on my sweaters and the collars on my t-shirts. I sucked on my fingers/hands. I still chew. I chew on hoodie strings. I chew my nails (which I also did as a kid). I play with my hands. I bang my fists against my legs. I play with headphone wires. I also do the stereotypical autistic clapping of the hands. It’s the most obvious of my stims, but what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sensory Processing Disorder. This is the most common sign of ASD. In fact, anyone with autism will have SPD to some degree. This was actually the first thing I started researching since a person can have SPD without being autistic. After doing my research, that wasn’t my case. I have mild-moderate SPD. I have always been a picky eater. I eat foods based off of their texture. It’s why I eat a lot of processed food. It has no texture. I don’t like sticky foods like fruit because I can’t stand having sticky hands. In fact, I can’t stand having dirty hands in general. I eat finger food with a fork and a knife for this exact reason. My food can’t touch (unless it’s a stir fry or something) I can’t have tags in my shirts. I don’t wear belts. I don’t wear tight clothing. I don’t like being touched or hugged. It’s uncomfortable. This is also common in people with ASD. As a kid, I was forced to hug because in a NT (Neurotypical) world, that’s what you do. So I learned to fake it. I get window seats on planes so the flight attendants and other passengers can’t touch me. I wear noise cancelling headphones so I can block out most of the noise outside. It can be a tad overwhelming at times. I am sensitive to bright lights, high pitched sounds and certain smells. My brain doesn’t have a filter to properly filter out all the different senses so overload is a thing and always has been. My migraines are more than likely because of sensory overload. As a child, my sensory overload may have disguised itself as something else, though.

Social Interaction. Those with ASD struggle with social skills. I can count on one hand how many friends I had in school. And I’m going from Kindergarten to Grade 12. And I no longer have regular contact with these people. I was able to copy (common for those with ASD) those around me and make friends that way. But I had no idea what I was really doing. Making friends is hard when you have ASD. I lack the social skills needed to talk to people. I was shy. I liked playing alone because it was easier than talking to people and I could be off in my own world. To this day, I still don’t like talking to people. I have to rehearse what I’m saying before I say it. I don’t like talking on the phone. I will use self serve checkouts if I only have a few items. I use the self serve kiosks at McDonalds so I don’t have to speak to an employee. I have learned to adapt in a NT world and I have a job that requires me to talk to people. But it’s repetitive. I say the same thing to each customer. If I have to deviate from that system, I’m flustered. I do not make eye contact with people. It’s unnerving. I look past people. I struggle with reading body language. I avoid most large social gatherings. I’m not trying to be anti-social. But having to deal with all the people and the noise gives me anxiety and overwhelms me. Even in school, when ever there was some event in the class, I would try and be in the back, so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone.

Emotions. I struggle with empathy and sympathy. Not ALL those with ASD have issues with those but I do. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people or knowing what people are going through. I don’t know why people are crying sometimes. I don’t know what to do when people are crying. Even as a kid, I could hurt my siblings and it wouldn’t bother me that they were in pain. I simply didn’t care. I also don’t express my emotions correctly or know WHEN to correctly express my emotions. It’s why I threw tantrums as a child. It’s one of the reasons I saw a counselor in Grade 3.

Meltdowns. These are different then tantrums. Meltdowns happen when I get too overwhelmed with everything (sensory overload or stress) and I shut down. I CAN go non-verbal but that is extremely rare. I also suffer from shutdowns, which are milder forms of meltdowns.

Routine and Structure. Another big sign of those with ASD is routine. This is one of the the things that stuck out to me the most before I even started doing research. I always had a routine. And it couldn’t be changed or it would cause major problems for me. I have morning routine and it doesn’t matter where I am, I follow it. I have another routine for my Monday and Friday shifts. If it deviates at all, we could have a meltdown depending on how much of a deviation there is. I don’t recall much routine as a child, but I imagine it was there in some form.

Those with ASD have sleep problems. I wake up 3-4 times a night and I remember being this way even as a child. I am never tired though. 4 hours of sleep has always been sufficient for me and the research I have done on ASD and sleep shows this to be a common thing. I also have to sleep with my iPad on. I can’t have complete silence or darkness when I sleep. I can recall sleeping with my light on when I was younger.

Now how did I go so long without any of this being noticed by teachers or even my parents? Well I was born in 1989. Autism was not a big thing back then so it wouldn’t have been on the radar of anyone, really. My mom did tell me that I’ve always had behavioural issues and “strange and odd” behaviour since I was a baby/child but again, autism was not the thing it is now so there was no reason to have me tested when I was really young. Same as in school. It was chalked up to “behavioural issues” or “bad parenting.” Females are more commonly misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all because doctors still hold the belief that only males can have ASD. Females are also better at masking their ASD traits than males. I have been masking the majority of my life. It’s how I’ve been able to keep the same job for 10 years. It’s how I managed to make the friends I did. I can appear NT even though I am not. Masking is also physically exhausting and I am trying harder to NOT mask.

Being part of an Aspergers group on Facebook and being a part of the autistic community on Tumblr has really helped me. It lets me know there are others JUST like me with the same things and that I am not alone.

“I have autism. It’s a part of who I am.”

#actuallyautistic #autism #aspergers #autistictraits

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aceyanaheim · 5 years

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Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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