men: my wife should have to have a perfect body 24/7 even during pregnancy and also she has to be my personal sex slave and also she has to clean up after me because I’m a big dumb baby who is incapable of doing anything for myself yet I’m also a Superior Being and should be worshiped for doing below the bare minimum and also I get to cheat on her whenever I want but if she looks at another man then I get to end her life. also I will leave her as soon as she turns 30

women: okay no thanks I think I’d rather be single

men: This Is Oppression and Women Are Killing Us‼️😱🔥😤⁉️

hi, i love all your work! could i please request headcanons for what it'd be like to go from being enemies to lovers with nikolai lantsov.

thank you:)

A/N maybe i moved this up on my request lists bc i woke up today and went 'nikolai lantsov'

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- i'm being a little liberal with cannon bc my mind first went to 'princess! reader who hates nikolai bc they're competitive and then they have to team up together to try to get their parents to break up their arranged marriage but fall in love in the process (this might be a little undetailed but i'm thinking of writing a full fic or mini-series with this plotline so let me know if you'd be interested!! i could see a smutty ending to that fic but idk,, lmk what you thing ig lol)

- Ok so first off enemies to lovers with the loml nikolai lantsov would be SO GOOD bc he's so dramatic and obviously attractive so even though you hate him you know he's hot,, there's never a dramatic realization that he's attractive bc it's just a fact

- butttt you'd rather give up any claim you have to your family's throne than feed his already gigantic ego

- okk but lets get to the beginning of your enemies to lovers relationship

- so basically every summer your parents go and stay with Nikolai's family at this super fancy vacation home bc your parents are both royalty and your kingdoms have a very healthy relationship

- just bc it's the summer season doesn't mean it's summer vacation,, so as children for about a month you two share a tutor,, and when i tell you that created a rivalry so fast i mean it

- you're not the eldest princess and you're always trying to be the best for your parents approval, nikolai just wanted to impress the really smart girl who had a pretty laugh (poor nikolai lol,, he had no way of knowing how important being the best in school no matter what was to your self esteem)

- maybe if you two could communicate you’d like each other a little better at this point but it starts when you’re pretty young and by the time you’re like 13 it’s a solidified dynamic (and 13 year olds are the MEANEST and most insecure people in the world so that’s when your relationship turns to full enemies)

- now that you’re 13 you have more princess-y requirements, especially over the summer. So when you see that Nikolai gets to practice with swords and gets more free time while you have to practice setting tables you hate him more than ever. 

- Nikolai senses that you’re extra hostile but he has no idea why,, he tries asking once but he makes a joke about how ‘maybe you’re jealous bc youre no longer the center of my attention’ and even though he’s just trying to ease the tension you feel like he’s making fun of you

- so that’s when things get aggressive, but at that point summer is almost over so it’s whatever

- next summer comes and you’re still SO MAD at him,, so when you get to the estate you’re like ‘i’m not even talking to him idc how quiet these next three months are’ 

- and you get there all determined to hate him,, but once you get there and see him something in you cracks bc he had the audacity to spend the last year going through puberty AND LIKE HE’S ALWAYS BEEN CUTE BUT THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE 

- so youre mentally panicking bc how do you even talk to someone that looks like that now???? but then you remember that you didnt even want to talk him so in a panic youre like ‘maybe i can avoid him and he’ll just assume it’s bc i hate him bc i do,, who cares if he’s unbelievably hot now’ 

- nikolai doesn’t assume anything, he just gets to the estate and is like ‘why hasn’t she insulted me yet?? is she suddenly too good to give me attention?’ so during the lessons that you still share he gets an idea

- he decides to one-up you in everything bc that’s always gotten a reaction out of you 

- it works,, every time he corrects you or steals an answer from you, you’re ready to snap but then you look at him and take in his stupidly perfect face and  you just shut up 

- nikolai thinks it’s not working so he just tries harder

- by the end of week one you can’t take it anymore so when the tutor leaves at the end of lessons you snap, you tell him off for how often he’d repeat what you said and change a few words and get all the praise from the tutor

- on the inside he’s like ‘took long enough’ but the more you rant he’s like ‘is she okay???’ he’d be more concerned if you weren’t threatening his pride and at this point he’s still annoyed bc if you were that annoyed you should have just talked to him instead of ignoring him for a week

- he’s thinking that just bc you got really pretty over the last year doesn’t make you too good to yell at him on the daily

- the worst thing anyone can do to nikolai is ignore him LMAO (lowkey relatable)

- so he starts arguing with you and you’re so upset that you forget about how aggressively attractive he is 

- and you two are alone in this room and the more you argue the closer you two get

- the climax of the argument is when neither of you are yelling, you’re just so mad you’re beyond raising your voice and once you’re both at that point it goes like this: 

“Nikolai Lantsov, you are the most insufferable person I’ve ever met” 

“Well then, Darling, you should look in a mirror.” 

“You are so entitled, so ridiculously self obsessed that it ruins your attractiveness.” 

“...” he literally just like blinks twice. “You think I’m attractive?” 

“Uh? No--i didn’t say that at all, maybe if you didn’t have the language comprehension of a child you’d understa--” he just reaches forward, grabs the collar of your dress, and kisses you. 

- it’s your first kiss so you have no idea what you’re doing and it’s with some one you CANT STAND and you’re so mad bc you had expectations for your first kiss and he’s taken that from you--but the thing is,, 

- he’s good at it. Like really good at it. Like so good it makes you curious about what he does the nine months of the year he’s not stuck here with you bc there’s no way he hasn’t had practice. 

- but you’re also extremely confused and nervous and aware of how stupid you’re being (and a little hormonal bc being 14 isn’t easy) and then he places his hand on your cheek and that snaps some sense of reality into you bc it’s one thing to enjoy the kiss but another thing entirely to want him to escalate it

- so you place one hand on his chest and push him off of you slightly. He takes the hint, pulls away enough to look at you and then you two just stare at each other 

- your hand is still on his chest and you have absolutely no idea what comes next, but you find yourself looking at his lips

- since you haven’t slapped him or pulled away more than a few inches he thinks maybe things are okay so he leans forward slightly and kisses you again. 

- you reciprocate a little too fast, the kiss lasts two seconds before thinking about how insane you’re being so you push away entirely. 

- He lets you go,, and in the most awkward display ever you’re like ‘uh I need to go,, i can’t be late to ball preparation lessons’ and you leave that room faster than you’ve ever left a room in your entire life. 

- the next day you consider pretending to be sick to avoid him but that would only give him more power over the situation so you go,, and he’s just sitting there calmly

- youre on edge the entire day but he never even jokes about it

- a part of you is a tiny bit annoyed bc who kisses you and then pretends it never happened? but overall, you’re relieved 

- the days pass and it never comes up but now whenever you two argue you think of how quickly kissing him both shut him up and got rid of your tension 

- the summer goes by quickly, your usual dynamic has returned and you wonder if he even remembers kissing you. twice. in a row. 

- the next couple of years are normal,, even when you two no longer take lessons together you still dont like him. He’s just so assured and he takes such joy in bothering you. 

- and then one summer your parents sit you down and they’re like ‘we need to plan the future alliance of our kingdom’ 

- you’re a little confused bc you’re rarely allowed to sit in on these things bc you’re a girl and you’re basically meant to just be a royal’s bride--and then you realize why you’re there. 

- you start protesting before your father can finish announcing your engagement 

- the parents were smart bc they announced it at the end of summer so you two couldn’t drive them crazy or conspire

- the first thing you do when you get back to your castle is write to him for the first time ever 

- your letter is basically ‘pls tell me you’re doing something’ 

- the two of you talk until you come up with the plan to get your parents to break up your engagement 

- your parents dont really care about your feelings and they expect the two of you to argue with them,, but they care about the kingdoms

- so you two decide that if you act like youre so in love that you let your duties slip the engagement will end,, especially if you two are in love in a toxic way 

- so the next summer you two make sure to flirt and act like youre totally obsessed with each other and skip lessons together and just are constantly together and acting like you’re on a honeymoon

- your parents are like ?? since when 

- at one point you flirt with a random guard just so Nikolai can have a ‘jealous outburst’ while your families are strolling through the garden 

- ngl jealous nikolai had you ready to RISK IT ALL,, you were ready to drop the plan and marry him on the spot 

- he notices bc he notices everything about you and when your family walks away he gives you a quick kiss and youre stunned,, much to his delight 

- your desire to break up your engagement takes a slight backseat in your mind bc you decide to set off on a secret goal to make him flustered

- it doesn’t take much, your dresses get a little more risky, your comments get a little more suggestive

- the only problem?? he seems to have his own personal goal and it’s to make you even more flustered than he is

- soon the two of you are lost in layers of pretend and competition

- when your parents are finally thinking about delaying the engagement and keeping you two away from each other until you calm down a little (i feel bad for them,, an entire summer of being surrounded by the ULTIMATE sexual tension) 

- you’re sad and you don’t know why bc this is what you wanted, but then Nikolai stands up and says that you two planned for this and he has the letters to prove it (he was ready to drop the receipts LMAO) and youre like ??what are you doing?

- and he says he’d rather marry you then never see you again bc now all he wants is to get know you bc he has no idea how he wasted so much time arguing with you 

- and you just meltttt but your in front of your entire family and his as well so you just sit there for a minute and then you tell him you feel the same way 

- but the summer’s over

- you kiss him before leaving and he says you’ll have to visit bc he can’t go an entire year without seeing your ‘pretty face’ 

- you promise to visit him soon

- your at home for exactly a day and a half before getting an invitation to visit him 

- you laugh bc the only way that letter could get to you that fast is if he mailed it before you even left 

- you say yes obviously,, and spend some time having a really cute fall-dating vibes together until you figure out how you really feel 

- and you feel like he makes your heart STOP and that’s why you hated him,, bc you didn’t like being vulnerable 

heyyyyyyy

so basically this week has been v stressful for me (this post is mainly so i can rant and get it out of my system).... 

ab 5 days ago i saw my 3 friends from home (i go to college in west virginia but im from new jersey hehe) did an xmas gift exchange without me and i don't care for getting gifts bc im not like that but i was just a lil upset that i wasn’t involved or invited in general (which is smth that has happened often) so i told my one friend (fake names) sydney how i felt left out and sometimes unwanted or whatever just in general bc i know they talk & have a chat without me for no reason.  and i said u know i get it im at school away from u guys but i’ve said before u know i like hearing what’s going on w u guys idc if u talk ab hometown stuff in a chat with me.  

sydney basically disregarded my message and misunderstood it as me being mad that we don’t hang out a lot during a pandemic which, uh, is not true.  it was just ab a chat and how i wished they reached out more while im away bc i reached out and didn't get that in return.  so then she brought up “and u have a large family and i can't keep track of them so don't get pissed for not wanting to hang w u” which- woah.  don't bring my family into this when u have no idea what they do, and also bc it's just not what i’m talking ab.  dude, we were just talking ab a group chat on our phones.

granted, if she'd told me this as a heads up when i came home for the winter i would’ve taken it better, but the way she used it was kinda as an excuse and it was just irrelevant anyway.

she got mad and i said “okay i’m done” and she told me im reckless about covid and that “none of us talked with each other u weren't special”.  girl, i’m far from special i know that.  but don’t lie to me bc i see u post pics hanging with (more fake names) julie and carly often.  i didn't say this bc it wasn’t worth my time, i let it go and accepted that we now weren't friends bc once sydney has a minor argument with someone they’re dead to her.

so then there’s carly, who was my best friend but had also not talked w me a lot since i went to college in august.  i knew in the back of my mind that carly would follow sydney and that i’d probably lose the whole group from one argument bc that's how sydney works.  but i kept my hopes up and today i texted her just ab something random just like oh haha i saw this the other day, and she was all like “how r u gonna do all this and txt me like nothing happened?”.  and i explain that yes me and sydney had a fight but not u and i.  my sister apparently blocked them all on instagram but i literally only found out when she told me so i was v taken back and apologized for that, and when she said “it doesn't matter she still did it” i was like really?  ur gonna blame me for something im not in control of or didn't even know of until right now?  and finally i txt u like nothing happened bc i don't want to put u in an awk position in the middle of it.  we go back and forth, me explaining that i was talking ab a chat in the first place and she eventually tells me how well its also hard for them to interact with someone who said that hanging w us is a chore.

yes, i did say this once.  but i said it to only her only ab the first time we hung out (socially distanced outside) when i came home for the winter.  i called her a few days after to tell her how i was confused when i saw her w ppl inside a friend’s house when she told me she couldn’t do that.  i explained that it was hard to go somewhere new knowing no one and to have radio silence from them when i’d put the effort in and not get it back, so seeing them that day when i came home almost felt like a chore bc i didn't know how they felt ab me and bc it felt weird to see them after that silence.  she was sympathetic and said u know yes i understand that and all- but here she is using it against me when i told her that while crying on the phone.

i tell her this- that that doesn't make sense or add up (im sparing lots of details) and that for her to take something i told her in a state of such vulnerability and use it against me was not okay and not an excuse she can make esp when this all started ab a group chat, it just didn't FIT.  and her response was well “all we do is argue ab this stuff.  at this point it is clear that this just isn’t working out anymore”

imagine someone saying that about your 6 years of friendship just because you tried telling another friend that sometimes you felt left out and like u were outcasted from the group.  that's why she said “all we do is argue ab this”, bc i’ve had the will to bring up the fact that they quite frankly treat me like nothing multiple times.  we don’t argue, i told u how i felt and u think i’m attacking u.  imagine your best friend telling you “good luck at school but we can’t be friends anymore bc u and sydney had an argument and i don't feel like putting in the effort to be a better friend to u”

idk that's just what it’s felt like.

so today has been quite the day for me.  or the week, rather.

if anyone got this far into this post, kudos and give me a quick kalton prompt to do in reward for reading it all LOL.

Quick rant

Okay so I have this friend who has a bf (woo shocker) and today she told me that her bf doesnt like me. And first of all I am a DELIGHT to be around with and secondly hhow the fuck can he judge me without even knowing me. And not that I care that he doesnt like me. I don't and I do. But like you wanna know why doesn't he like me? Because I see him. Bc I see him as a fucking manipulative motherfucker that he is. And he's not bad. I know he's not "that bad" and its not that I hate him. No its not that but you know what it is? When I heard that he doesnt like me I was relived. Why? Because since that day that we ran at each other when I was with me he pretended he didnt know me. He pretended he didnt know me or my sister or anybody when clearly on New Years 2018 we met. And he knew who I was long before that and long after that and he still pretended that he didnt know. And my friend kept telling me what a Saint he is and how he doesnt drink and how he's a 20 yo virgin and I love my friend, I really do but I told her many times that she is too naive. I told her that this guy, her bf, he knows me and he knows who my sister is. And when I last saw him he was drunk on his ass so you cant tell me that he doesnt drink when he does. And I didn't tell her this bc I didnt want to come off too strong but what the fuck? 20 yo virgin, from Balkan, who is literally a hooligan, and he had a serious relationship with a girl he was deeply in love with for the past two years before he met my friend and youre telling me that in both of his 18th and 19th year before he met my friend didnt fuck her????? Then what did they do?? Sit and watch each other??? Like I know she wants to see the best in people and shes in love with him a d she believes hes a virgin but man is she so naive.

And, wait here comes the good part. When I told her that he was drunk the last time I saw him, she asked him that and he denied it. And guess which one she believed. Yes. Him. A guy who she has known at that time for three months and me who she has known then 2 years. She believed him. HIM! Like how fucking dense does she think I am that I cannot see 5he fucking difference between a man who is sober and a man who is drunk. I grew up with an alcoholic. Like I can pretty much see someone from a mile always and tell you that hes drunk or sober.

But ok. I let it slide bc she was in love with him and she was so happy and I loved seeing her so happy. So even when I had this gut feeling about him... Dislike?? Perhaps idk I just wanted her to be happy.

Even tho he deleted and blocked my sister from snapchat for to "prove" to my friend that he is loyal. (Like fucking deleting someone from snapchat makes you loyal. No. It makes you a fucking prick. Obsessive little fuckers.). Even tho he kept calling my friend about her whereabouts or bc she didnt reply that instant minute. Like shes in school. She cant text you you dumbass. Like if she doesnt reply to him in 5 minutes, hes calling her. Love or wanting someone to control? You tell me. And even tho he wanted to sleep with my friend like 3 months after they started dating... Like i let all of that slide bc all I wanted was to see my friend happy. Cuz she sparkles when shes happy and thats just a sparkle you dont want to take away.

And now she told me he doesnt like me and I was glad bc at that same moment I could finally say that I don't like him back. Idk what his reasons are, I know what mine are but I have a feeling that I know one of his reasons. It's that I see him. I see him through all the bullshit he puts on. He doesnt like me because he's afraid of what I might do. Talk to my friend about every fucking logical reason that he's nothing more bjt your typical fucking liar.

But he's afraid for no reason. Idc that he doesnt like me. Honestly, my friend didnt listen to me when I tried to tell her that he might not be who she thi is. And tbh I love that sparkle in her but that's not my fight. He is her decision. Not mine. Im going to stay away bc unlike him, I don't know what he is like when they are alone and I don't know who he is. I don't know him in the way she does and maybe he really is an sober 20 yo virgin who goes to those fan weird things (it still doesnt make sense to me but what if. I know he wasnt sober that night).

I am okay with that but what I am mad about is that he thinks like I am that typical friend who wants to break them up. Like no. I'm not and I bet youre not a typical žic študent. I know hes hardworking. I know he tries his best in school and I know that he isnt all bad as I said at the top. Everybody has flaws but like... Just because I see him under all of that put up shows does not mea. HE DOES T FUCKING GET TO NOT LIKE ME! I AM AMAZING AND HE SHOULD BE INTIMIDATED BY ME BC I LOOK AFTER MY FRIENDS THAT SON OF A BITCH AND IF HE TRIES TO FUCKING TURN MY FRIEND AGAINST ME HE SHOULD FUCKING BE PREPARED BC I AM ALL ABOUT BREAKING NECKS!

White male savior narrative for GoT really???

SPOILERS AND ANGRY RANT AHEAD

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They’re really trying to push this white male savior shit on game of thrones!! That whole conversation between Tyrion and Varys though. Can we talk about how disappointing that was? Varys this entire series was a character that broke from the mold we had no idea if he was good or bad but later we see him as a noble person who wants to truly help the people and last night he was all about Jon Snow and talking about how great this dude is. Can we rewind a moment to the battle of the bastards when this dude was all “let’s invade that shit today!” and sansa was all “don’t be stupid we need more people” and dude was all “we’re gonna win!” and then the battle was basically him and his puny army getting slaughtered until his sister saved his ass with the veil. And can we also rewind to when he flailed around with the wildlings for some reason and then ran back to the night’s watch? can we also remember how all he had to do was fake bend the knee to cercei to reduce tension and potentially get the kingslanding armies and he was all “no i already got a queen”, everyone pegs him for honorable and noble but dude is stupid and doesn’t really plan things through. now they’re pushing this whole narrative of oh he’s the promised prince like he’s jesus (which isn’t far off since dude was murdered and resurrected). So Varys was super disappointing saying “he’s a man, he’s going to be accepted and this girl is manipulating him”. when was she lying though???? jon’s siscousins hate her ass and everyone wants to push jon snow onto the throne even if they have to drag his ass to it while he’s kicking and screaming. we all know westerosians don’t wanna work with danaerys and the only reason they tolerate her is because she got dragons and jon is with her. They all secretly want her dead, especially now that the ice zombies are dead! And then the series really gonna push this narrative of Dany being the mad king?!! She dedicated herself to freeing slaves from their masters and then built her army straight up by giving people the option of following her if they felt like it. she literally stood there an told people “i’m gonna kill these assholes who are making your lives hell and then i’ma leave. you can follow me or do whatever you want. idc.” but then game of thrones said, “you know what would be neat? let’s make the women in the series shady or crazy or needy and make jon snow look like a natural ruler. let’s push this narrative to the very end.” and then they looked at nissandei and were like “oh wait... we can’t make this one crazy, needy, or shady. she has all the qualities of a great character and has literally done nothing wrong, we can’t have that”. and can we talk about how she’s the only important WOC in the whole series??? THE WHOLE SERIES!!!! THE. WHOLE. ENTIRE. SERIES....!!!!!! And they kill her off in order to fullfill their “this dragon queen is crazy” narrative and ”this white dude that just flails around should rule because he has a penis” narrative. Is this series really going to end on such a disappointing and gross note? If that’s the case, I hope dany and the unsullied kill everyone’s ass first.

Y'all it's time for a motherfucking story time

So I've found that when I'm very angry it helps me to write out the story so that's what the fuck I'm gonna do

Y'all don't even understand how upset and angry and confused and genuinely dumbfounded by this situation that I am I could not stop thinking about this for the last two days

So my sister has a boyfriend for the story we'll call him Eric Harris

So on this particular Friday in July 2018 my mom drops me off at my sisters house on her way to work

I'm there to babysit my one year old niece and my two year old nephew and one year old niece

So my sister left for work before I got there so now it's just me, Eric, and the kids.

So we're all sitting in the living room. My niece starts crying so I pick her up and go to the kitchen (which is connected to the living room) and start to pour her some milk

Now I don't know if this fool has said something to me or asked me something and I didn't hear him or if he's just actually insane

But

Get ready for this and fucking brace yourselves

This fool says my name in a kind of demanding/angry type of tone so I kind of pause and am like ???

and he deadass starts going off on a fucking rant talking bout sum "when I speak to I expect a reply stop being disrespectful you're acting so childish stop ignoring me after everything I do for your sister I don't need everybody giving me shit all the time" like snapping and the whole time I'm just standing there like

Because I for real have no fucking clue as to what in the hell hes talking about... like...at all

I have no idea what to say I'm just mad confused and like caught off guard like I have no idea what the hell is going on

So I don't reply to his rant because A. what on god green earth do you want me to say to that and because B. he ain't give enough time to reply even if I wanted to before he gets up and like stomps outside (presumably to smoke a cigarette like the disgusting dirty cant breath tar soaked lunges having ass bitch that he is) and slams the door like a 13 year old that just got grounded

So I'm sitting here still trying to process what the hell just happened

Like y'all deadass nothing like this has ever happened to me before like no ones ever just randomly snapped at me for no reason with no prior argument no build up or nothing it's literally so crazy

I had no type of problem with him and I had no idea he had any problems with me

So I have no idea how long I was just sitting there with the kids completely fucking bewildered

So I'm thinking he's gonna come back inside and like apologize or something like a normal human being.... does he? Fuck no.

He comes back inside takes his shoes off and throws throws THROWS them at the wall and throws a glass mug in the sink and is like stomping around slamming doors just acting a whole fool

Now at this point I become a little nervous a little anxious because I'm like this fool is actually insane Idk how to deal with idk what to do idk if I should talk to him or not say nothing to him like I have no idea what to do because I'm like what is he gonna do would he try to swing on me or like take the kids or something wild and on top of all that I remember that this fool has a gun somewhere in the house and idk where it is

Anyway he goes in the bathroom and gets in the shower and is purposely playing his music extra loud like the walls are shaking and y'all know he's purposely playing petty songs talking bout some miss me with that draaaaaaaama

And I'm genuinely just at a loss like I have never been before with absolutely no clue what to do so I'm tryna go through my options

I see his keys on the wall in the kitchen and I'm like I could put the kids in his car and take off but bet he'll call the cops and say I stole his car and kidnapped his kids

So I'm like I could take the kids and walk a block to the dollar tree and just stay there till he's gone but he'd lock the door and I don't got a key

I'm like should I call my mom? My mom already don't like him and I know she'll come down here and beat somebody's ass. But I don't wanna worry her if it's not a big deal and she's at work she's all the way on the other side of town and if he hears me calling her it could make him even more mad

So I go to text my sister and right before I start typing a text she just texts me "sorry" so he called her

And I'm like okay i know what ima do the neighbors are always outside chilling so I put the kids shoes on and we go outside until he leaves

He comes outside and he holds the baby for a minute and tells my nephew bye he doesn't say anything to me and I keep my head down I don't even look at him

So I'm expecting that some point during the day or the next day I might get a text or something getting an apology Do I? No.

So during the day I'm still debating telling my mom but I'm like no I'll tell her on Sunday when I go home

So my sister gets home and she's like "what the asshole say to you?"

And. I just say he was mad that I was "ignoring" him and she's like "well just tell him hi when you see him and you can say it in a sarcastic tone or whatever idc"

And she basically tells me that he called her and told her what "happened" (I doubt he told her what actually happened i mean I really don't think he called and was like yeah I just randomly screamed and cussed at your sixteen year old sister even though I'm a grown ass man)

And basically she was like "okay🤷🏻‍♀️" and he was all "that's all your gonna day?" And she was all "she doesn't have to talk to you if she doesn't want to" and then

He was just all in his feeling cause none of the family likes him

BITCH I WONDER THE FUCK WHY

And tbh I been nice af to this fool I haven't been ignoring I haven't been arguing with him none of that I've just been chilling doing me and if he got the vibe that I was purposely ignoring him or treating him some type of way then that's honestly him projecting his own insecurities

And if he felt i was giving off those type of vibes then there's ways to express that and deal with that besides raising your voice and cursing at a 16 year old in front of your two young children

I didn't even have no type of problem with him before this but I fucking do now and he did that to himself

I have never treated him any different than I treat anybody else and I did not deserve the to be talked to the way that I was talked to by him I had done nothing to him and he had absolutely no fucking reason to disrespect me or speak to me in the tone and at the volume that he did

Like bitch I'm sorry you (a grown ass man) is so fucking hurt by a 16 year old "ignoring" you like are you serious

He always all in his feelings that people don't like nobody fucks with him everybody's mean to him blah blah blah

The problem is not nobody else casting unfair judgement the problem is not nobody else's attitude the problem is not nobody else's inability to move on from past situations

Bitch you are the problem

The problem is you and your actions

You're the reason people don't like you

You're upset because you think I don't like you? So... you... scream and yell at me... to.... make me like you? What the hell kind of sense does that make?

I was really gonna just let it go but I can not stop thinking about the situation and how fucking angry it makes me

Because I literally didn't do anything

Now I can't wait to go home and tomorrow and tell my mom because she already doesn't like Eric and when she hears about this she's gonna be livid and I hope to fuck Eric gets what the fuck he's got coming to his ugly greasy white ass and I'm already know if my stepdad didn't just back surgery and allay he would beat the fuck outta Eric and I would record that shit and send it to his mom

I told my dad today and even my dad who doesn't give a fuck about nothing was like "excuse me what" and my step mom was like "you need to pull him aside and talk about that"

And that's another thing that just doesn't make any fucking sense like zero logic Eric is mad desperate to make my mom like him and then decided to yell at and cuss at her youngest child her baby like are you fucking dumb

All I know is this motherfucker is not invited to thanksgiving or Christmas no more

I don't even wanna see his ass on saint Patrick's Day bitch

I guess I'll update y'all once I tell my mom idk I'm just like so

Conflicted

Cause like I deadass didn't do anything

Like idk how to feel I’m mad confused

#ThursdayThoughts 💭

Often times I find myself in this space where I just shut myself off from everybody. Friends, family, social media...nothing personal towards anyone but I have a lot of emotional turmoil that I must handle on my own. If a person chooses to be patient with me as I go through the motions then GREAT! But I’m not looking to beg anyone to stay in my life anymore. A person that wants to be there WILL be there no matter how challenging it may get and that’s rare to find. I love and appreciate anyone who has helped me in ways that has allowed me to grow. I appreciate anyone who has just taken the time out of their day to listen to me vent. I don’t always know how to express in a healthy way but when I do it’s because I was given the needed space to reflect and reevaluate. I actually LOVE letting my frustrations out when I walk. I feel that as vicious as my tongue can be sometimes I don’t want to speak from a place of hurt and frustration. Let me have my bad days and figure out how can I say what I need to say coming from a loving space. We shouldn’t be silent about the things that truly affect our well-being and at the same time it’s not what you say it’s how you say it. I sit in my darkness alone because I KNOW people cannot handle that side of me. I am not always positive and I am not always negative either. You put love + passion + anger together and people ask you “why you mad?” or tell you “get over it” but clearly those are the people you need to stay away from. It makes me wonder how they deal with their own issues. If you don’t even have compassion for yourself how can I expect you to have compassion for another? So stepping into next year there’s no AVOIDING what needs to be dealt with idc how hard or how much it would hurt I would rather go through the pain for a little while than to live with pain and suffering my entire life. I see my parents and that’s not how I choose to live my life. I want better and I deserve better. And I’m committed to making it happen! And that’s my rant for today. Thank you for reading ! 💚

Seriously guys? (SORRY BUT I GOTTA RANT?)

Hear me out. I’ve been listening to K-pop for 10 years. I’m actually a HUGE EXO-L and have been following EXO since their debut and have always been supportive of them since they’re my bias group. I don’t dedicate this blog to k-pop, and don’t ever reblog or post anything k-pop related because I’m pretty lowkey about it and wanna avoid any drama and toxicity as much as I can. But after today I just felt like I need to get certain things off my chest, because I’m truly appalled with some of the things that have been said and I don’t think some of you may realize that it actually makes us look bad (and frankly idc if no one agrees and I’m sure as hell ain’t gonna be replying to any negative comment following this post.)

The boys were SO excited for this comeback guys. Sehun and Baekhyun teased us relentlessly, they had it all figured out and chose to be part of the hype while we waited for their comeback (and during too). They do everything to please us and some fans STILL try to find negative things to say. I think that’s disrespectful in itself. 

I understand that most EXO-L’s are upset about Lay not being in the “teaser” but it’s not over yet so just wait it out before spontaneously combusting into flames and act like your whole life is over. I get it, Lay is probably the purest member and he is so important and honestly I’ll be CRUSHED if he’s not in the MV but he may very well make an appearance, and if not, then I respect that, SM first and foremost is a BUSINESS, which means they’ll prioritize making any kind of profit or money any way they can over anything else. Lay loves his members, the band itself and us, the fans. You all know he wouldn’t just disappear. He wouldn’t just leave EXO. So I’m not worried about that. 

As for the hair situation, yeah, okay maybe Sehun, Kai and Baekhyun’s hair isn’t exactly aesthetic or pleasing to look at, but seriously it’s just hair. They’ll change it again and so what if they promote with it? As much as y’all keep arguing and arguing over it, it really is just hair. We should be there for them, for their music, not just their looks, and tbh I hope that those shallow ‘’fans’’ don’t actually call themselves fans because that’d be an outrage lol. I actually saw certain fans say that they weren’t even excited for the comeback anymore because of their hairstyles. Like...Really? It’s okay to have your own preferences and opinions, clearly everyone of us does, as long as you don’t purposely try to hurt, attack, or judge anyone who has theirs, too. Especially the members. 

Now before you all gang up on me, just know that Baekhyun is actually one of my biases (with Chanyeol being my UB in K-Pop) and obviously like I said up there, I have my own preferences when it comes to hair. Personally, I think he looks best with a natural hair color and with his sideburns not shaved and even when Chanyeol cut his hair super short during the Wolf Era I wasn’t completely comfortable with it at first, but kept it to MYSELF. Did I stop liking EXO because of their haircuts? Did I stop supporting them because they did something to stand out and I personally didn’t think it was appealing? (If you’ve been a fan since day 1, you know what I’m talking about, EXO has had their fair share of unusual/unique /and let’s be real cringy ass/ haircuts and hair colors. All of you should know by now that K-pop is all about standing out and about being unique.) Even Jongin had his dreadlocks/corn rows back during the Wolf Era and everyone just got used to it after a while and just accepted it. It’s okay to joke around about their hair, teasing them and laugh about it because let’s face it, we tease the ones we love. I laughed so hard this morning seeing some of y’all’s posts about Kai’s dreads and Baek’s mullet. But actually getting butt mad over it and starting drama and going on their Instagram posts and commenting mean things is not okay. Also about the whole cultural appropriation, it just makes me laugh that the people who SHOULD be “offended” by his hairstyle are not offended at all and the other half of you who are complaining don’t even know what you’re talking about anyway. People look way too far into this and blow things out of proportion. Be pissed if you want, but just keep it to yourself, and eventually just get over yourself and move on.

(And if you want to discuss cultural appropriation, then do it politely, calmly and respectfully. No need to be mean, insult, or attack anybody.) 

Remember the Baekhyun incident with an EXO-L or an anti insulting his hair while they were in Jeju Island? He was really hurt by that. Please don’t turn into her. Don’t turn into that kind of person. Please don’t do what she did with any of the members or anybody for that matter you love. We all have an opinion, and it’s okay, but don’t blame the idols, or make them feel bad about their choices, not everyone that makes a mistake or makes certain decisions that not everybody agrees with is a dick or purposely tries to make people mad. 

On that note, I can’t wait to see the other members’ teasers and the MV (Or MVS plural if there’s more than one.) I don’t know about all of you but I’m staying out of the drama and I’m going to listen to EXO’s discography while waiting for their comeback.

P.S: A friendly reminder that EXO probably reads all of our posts or you guys’ comments so just be careful with the things you say because words can be hurtful sometimes. And I’m not only talking about the boys exclusively, but I’ve seen some fans of other groups or even our own EXO-L family attack others and it shouldn’t be this way. The boys wouldn’t want it to be this way. Be grateful they made an Instagram, Facebook and Twitter to be able to include and interact with fans from all over the world, please don’t make them regret doing it. 

Be respectful and appreciative, spread love and positivity and let’s continue supporting our boys. They work really, really hard for us. ❤✨👽

An EXO-L from Canada.

I Hate People//Random Post #2

If you’re from my Animal Science class and you were in my group...just know...I hate y’all more then I originally did. 

And if you weren’t ⁽ʷʰᶦᶜʰ ˢᵉᵉᵐˢ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ˡᶦᵏᵉˡʸ⁾ and you want to go ahead and see me rant...

Welcome

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Warning: Over usage of memes Okayyy soooo I already got no friends in that class so I come off as an anti social person/rude person cause I don’t talk to anyone. The first day that we had that class the teacher  told us that every project we would be doing in that class would be group projects.

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I hate group projects for so many reasons. I just prefer to do projects on my own because then I know how I want things to go, where and when. But that wasn’t an option. This was our first group project in the semester of this class and I’m already done. I can’t.

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Each group was assigned either “Freshwater/Salt Water/Amphibian/“ as a category for the animals that we had to research. We ended up with Freshwater and the Research was...okay?¿ The Research was done individually so it wasn’t bad but once we started working on the poster...

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In the group there was four of us including me. We had to decorate our fish and make things that would be in a fresh water environment. They left me and this other boy to do the work. What was worse was that the guy

DiDnT evEn hELp oUt tHaT mUCh JKDJSALSJS

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While I was over here making seaweed, rocks, decorating the fishes

 what were these people doing you ask? The girl was over here fooling around with her other friend talking about their boyfriends and stuff like that. When I tell you they never stop talking about their boyfriends...they NEVER STOP!!! Must be the first time they have a boyfriend or sum cause it got annoying real quick. They are annoying in general but this was on a whole other level. Like you don’t here me talking about how I’m married to Chanyeol and stuff like ugh lmao. The other guy is a senior so that was his excuse the whole entire time. “I’m a senior idc/idc at this point cause I’m a senior” random stuff like that. The guy that was “helping” me, I’ll give him a lil credit cause he was by my side helping me but...

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He decided he wanted to make a branch and place it on the poster. I told him “that’s a good idea” cause I really did think it was a good idea. I gave him the brown construction paper so he could make and cut out a branch. Guess who ended up making it

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Like it was his idea he should’ve been the one to make it.

Idk maybe I’m exaggerating cause I was annoyed and continue to be at the moment that I am typing this because we just “finished” but he should’ve done it. I was already occupied doing other stuff for the poster. Also the other thing that I found annoying was the fact that I would tell him to organize the stuff on the poster in whatever order he wanted to cause 1. It didn’t matter and 2. While I cut stuff we could at least get that done. He didn’t do it cause he didn’t know where to put each thing. Like I just told you it didn’t matter omg I-

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The girl asked me to make some rocks. She told me I should make them “3D” so I gathered dark blue construction paper and crumbled them up on top of each other so when they were glued on the poster they would stick out. 

I was like yes. I’m such an artist.

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Just so they wouldn’t get used.

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“Today” (at the time that I am typing this) we finally glued our fish and “objects” but my “beautiful” rocks weren’t used. Instead the girl and the other annoying girl started throwing them at each other like...wtf. I’m not even mad at the fact that they decided to throw around the “rocks” I’m just annoyed at this point cause if you knew we weren’t going to use them why make me make them?

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Right now I have a massive headache like yo. I’m gonna end up dying cause of how annoying these people are being. I can’t even take a Tylenol cause I forgot my water. Just great right. Also the teacher has been playing Disney music????!?!?? Call me emo buttttt I don’t listen to Disney music. Like you do you but omg I can’t. Wanna guess who suggested we as a class listen to Disney music???? I think you already know.

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They also started singing as well like pls just pls I’m on my knees at this point.

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I just popped in my ear buds and continued on. P.s the only Disney song I will stan are Cinderella

- a dream is a wish your heart makes

- So this is Love

Toy story - you’ve got a friend in me

Anything else is not allowed in this house.  Right now I’m just glad this project thing is over. Now I have a bit of time to “recuperate” before the next one cause if it’s anything like this experience I will die.

December 29, 2017 8:10 pm

It’s a sad feeling I’m having right now.

I’m a few days away from seeing dans mom and, it’s been a year since she’s seen me. I’m huge. The biggest I’ve ever been. I know I’m just at a bad time today and I’m just beating myself up and how on other days i think of myself as a soft queen and i love every roll and curve on my body. But today? Today i feel like my stomachs a boulder that will never leave. That my checks and chin are so wide that my face just looks like a ball.

Today’s a night in which I’m mad at myself for getting to this point. Goldy was right , I’ve been eating my cares away and saying idc afterwards and now here i am. And I’ve made my work schedule so that i can workout and hopefully lose the weight.

I can SEE what i can be . My timehop reminds me of what i was and i can’t believe i ever hated my body. I just. I know i will be great. I know I’ll lose the weight. I just hate that she’ll be seeing me at this state. She’s a sweet woman but she’ll just wonder how dan went for me after Allison who was so gorgeous and skinny in the best ways. She was a model. And that’s my downfall , i compare too much ugh! I compare too much.

It’s all i know how to do. Well in this new year no more. Fuck that. I just need a hug and being home i feel so lonely. Me and Jeremy aren’t talking anymore. Jacobs always working. Jubilee is in Florida. Zenobia and i are on good terms but i honestly don’t know how to be friends with her right now. Imaan is in philly and dealing with her own stuff. And that’s it as for my friends in NY . Me and convict don’t text like that anymore. Julias always working. My phone is drier than a desert right now. So what? I started watching shows but. No buts. I just have to deal. And be okay with my fucking self and that’s always been my problem. What’s wrong with craving human connection? Interaction? It’s been days since I’ve left my house. I’ve just been babysitting. I want to cry but i won’t . It’s been almost a week since i restarted my meds. Unexplained emotions. It won’t kick in until 3 weeks from now. So for now? It’s my body saying FEEL . And it’ll be that way until my body gets used to the cappers bc that’s what mood stabilizers do. They cap me from my emotions. This helped. Ranting. That’s all i can do instead of crying or trying to find someone to talk to . I’m just gonna rant until i feel like it’s gonna be okay

So, I’d want to say today was an adventure, but that wouldn’t really be true because it was more like 90% boring and 10% adventurous, lol, but the adventuring was still good. Alarm went off at 7 and I came really, really close to staying in bed- I mean, my supervisors on vacation, the other attorneys on the calendar don’t pay attention to my schedule, I could easily skip and nobody would notice….but I somehow convinced myself to get up, and sadly enough like none of the attorneys were in the office and I totally could’ve gone unnoticed, lol. Oh well, need to get those damn hours in. So I was asking around for anything interesting in court, so we went down and hung out for a bit, and we got something at least marginally exciting. It was a 7 sibling temporary custody for mom that came in last night. The judge wanted to move forward with a hearing even though the PD wasn’t there and the person who was getting shoved in to cover for her was freaking out, like she hadn’t even seen the case file she was like I could get an ARDC complaint for this, but the judge is like idc we’re going forward because the mom wanted a hearing, so we did and thankfully the actual PD showed before they got to their questioning. Not that there was any chance temporary custody wasn’t gonna be taken when mom was beating her kids with a broom and saying she wants to kill them. Sigh. Court went down pretty early though, so we went back upstairs and had to deal with the rest of the 7 sibling case. It had come in late last night, and the judge on duty put in a mandate to see all the kids within 24 hours, and their in three different placements, two of which are in the suburbs…..like, it was kind of insane. So I wound up speed filing out three emergency interview requests to get the paperwork through, so hopefully they pulled that off. The 3 oldest kids were in a shelter at least temporarily, and that sucks so I hope they get a better placement soon. After that pretty much everyone had headed out, but the one attorney I had been working with throughout the day wanted me to fix her client list for her in excel and basically retype the whole thing, which was fine until the numbers got fucked up on the different columns and this is exactly the kind of shit that causes my super genius brain to short circuit because my mind just will not process it correctly and it’s actually maddening. So I spent a while trying to fix that and I think I got most of it right before it was 5 and I left. Went right over to school for our PAD networking event, I didn’t have to participate but just kind of you know supervise and all that good shit, so mostly just sat around and chatted, but got to see some alumni lawyer friends and such so that was nice. I had small group at church at 7:30 so at about 7:15 I headed out, already knowing I would probably be late, and here’s where one of the cooler moments of the day happened. If you’ve read like, any of these posts, you know being late is legit my biggest pet peeve and it drives me nuts, even when it’s something that doesn’t matter if you’re actually late to, it just drives me nuts. So I leave school and I see Anthony standing across the street and my first thought is “I can’t stop, I’m already going to be late” but then something in me just said wait, stop. You’re on your way to your church small group that is literally titled “knowing God and loving others” and you’re more concerned about getting there on time than showing a tangible expression of love to someone in a vulnerable position you’ve come to know and built a friendship with, knowing that even seeing me for a few minutes can make his whole day he tells me, and I couldn’t help but think about how selfish I am and how completely out of whack my priorities are. So I ran across the street and talked for a few minutes, gave him an energy bar and the dollar in my wallet before heading out. As I was walking to the train I pulled my bag of popcorn out of my lunch box intending to eat it on the train, then I come across another homeless man I’ve seen around but never really spoken to all that much, so I offer him a bar and I was holding the popcorn in my hand, and it just felt right so I gave it to him as well. Hopped on the train, and as I was getting off at my stop a woman asked if I could swipe her on the train, and I said sure but I wasn’t sure if it would work because my card won’t allow double swipes sometimes if you just did it not long ago, but it worked for her so that was good. So I get to small group late, only to find out only 2 other members showed up this particular week, so 3 of us and the 3 leaders. It was kind of nice really, we just talked about our lives and things we’re dealing with, and I got to talk a lot about my ideas on showing the love of Christ to people in every action I take, so that I don’t need to have “Christian” emblazoned on my chest to be a good witness, as well as my other thoughts on just loving other people, which I’m sure you know by now is a subject I could go on about for hours, about how awful we’ve become at truly loving our neighbors and how when we claim the title Christian, you’re taking on the responsibility that every action you take, people will associate with God- and of course there’s grace and mercy and forgiveness and nobody is perfect, but it should be something you take very seriously- because so often the actions of “Christians” are the things that drive people away from the church, not the actual church teaching itself. And while we were sitting there talking I started to think about how frustrated and upset I’ve been at the church lately, and how it’s such an odd feeling because it’s not like I’m mad at God as people often get- I’m great with God, I actually feel like I probably have a stronger relationship with Him now than ever before. It’s not God or his teachings I have a problem with- it’s everything else. It’s the people who claim the title but proceed to violate every commandment in the most vile ways possible, and directly contradict the very words in the bible- and while I don’t want to fall into bitterness, I think I am justified in my indignation at this point- I’m not trying to compare myself to Jesus (at all, really) but it reminds me of when He saw all the people turning the temple into debauchery and He absolutely lost it on them, because they were besmirching the name of God in their actions, and that’s what I have a problem with. You want to be a terrible person and take away people’s health care and livelihood? Fine, but don’t you dare claim to follow a God whose vital commands are to love God and love your neighbor as yourself when your actions show you couldn’t care less about your neighbor. Don’t try and tell the world God wants them to institute cruel policies that can and will ruin lives in the name of corporate gain. Don’t pretend that you believe in a God who defines Himself as love (1 John 4:8) and take actions that show the complete opposite. Don’t you dare. Sigh, I didn’t want that to turn into a rant but it did anyway. Clearly I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, but I’m sure most of you already knew that by now. But small group was good, and they brought mini cupcakes for my birthday, which was nice. The journey home was where the real adventure began. So I get on the train, I get off the train and check for the next bus and oh great, it has “delayed” status 2 miles away with no way to know when it will restart, and the next bus behind it is 29 minutes out. Fuck. It’s like 9:40 at this point and the donut shop right there closes at ten, so I figured I could at least get something hot to drink and hang out in there instead of the freezing rain that’s been going on all day. So I go inside and order my tea while two young guys, late teens early twenties, worked on closing things up, and there were a few other people there talking. A few of them leave and then as I’m putting sugar in my tea I see a guy banging on the window trying to get the attention of one of the girls, who was trying to get him to leave. But then he comes inside and is trying to get all up in her face, not saying anything aggressive but it was obvious she did not want him there and she was just like “leave, get away from me” and I was legit ready to jump in and be like “get away from her” but the guy did leave at that point. Once he was gone I turned to the girl and asked if she was okay, but before she could even answer me one of the guys working there came over to her and was like “ma’m I’m gonna have to ask you to leave, you haven’t bought anything and blah blah blah” so they just send her out to right where the guy is and I’m just like WOAH NOT OKAY and like I understand not wanting trouble to break out in your store, but there’s no doubt in my mind if there was a female employee working there instead she would have let her stay. But I can’t just do nothing here. So instead of waiting for the bus inside the shop, I go back out into the freezing rain and find the girl out there. Luckily it seemed like the guy had disappeared, but I asked if she was okay and she seemed kind of shaken up but said she was, she just needed two bucks to get on the train to get out of here, and I had two since I just broke a 5 to buy my tea, so of course I gave them to her and she was saying that that guy was bothering her and she didn’t I know why they kicked her out like that and I was just like yeah I know, I couldn’t just ignore that I had to make sure you were okay, and you know us girls have to stick together, and she seemed very grateful and less shaken up, so that made me happy to see (not that I show kindness for the purpose of getting thanked, but I was glad I could at least help her a bit). You guys probably know this by now but I’m big into tangible acts of kindness and standing up to injustice when I see it, instead of just turning a blind eye. All in all this was a fairly mild situation, and it obviously could’ve gotten a lot worse (I’m very glad it didn’t) but I’d like to think that if it had gone there I still would’ve done what was right, even when it might me dangerous and mean putting myself between a girl and a man who wants to hurt her. So I guess I just encourage you to not let these little moments pass- even the small ones, just go a little bit out of your way to give a hand to your fellow girl- after all, we do need to stick together to keep each other safe. Sigh. But anyway. At that point I walk across the street to the bus station. Check the app, the first bus still hasn’t moved from its delayed status two miles away, and the second one is still 20 minutes out. Ugh. So we waited, there was a solid group of us there at that point, quite a few girls. After at least 15 minutes standing out there and the bus still 10 minutes away I was freezing cold and I was just like fuck this, I’m calling a Lyft so I did and I was so happy to get out of there because like I was so cold from the freezing rain, it was only drizzling but my hair was soaked just from being out there and like my toes were freezing. So I was very happy to be in a car and then in my apartment. Made some food quickly since I’d mainly only eaten mini cupcakes at small group. I was debating between watching this week’s arrow or supergirl since I hadn’t seen either yet, but decided on arrow more out of curiosity of what they were doing with the plot than actual interest in the show (and a bit because I was tired of watching supergirl become the Meh-El show week after week). The episode didn’t really feel like it accomplished anything, like they didn’t really make any profess with Chase until the very end, and now the Oliver just doubled his enemies by pissing off the Bratva too. Chase actually being on the run seems interesting though, so we’ll see where they go with that. I was majorly bored with the main Oliver feeling sorry for himself for being a terrible person storyline because I feel like it’s been so overdone at this point by multiple characters in this universe and just like, alright already, we all know he’s gonna end up back in the suit (or some sort of suit) soon enough, can we just skip all the moaning and pity partying? But yeah, those are my thoughts. Tired now, so I’ll say goodnight. Tomorrow should be fun, busy, but I’ll tell you about it then. Goodnight my loves. Happy Friday.

i hope that by starting this post i’ll want to keep writing.. bcz rn i’m not too into it, but i know i have to.

well we got our new manager last week and it’s been alright.. she’s cool.. a little too into customer service and shit but whatever... she says she has a lot of plans to fix our store so we’ll see.

but speaking of that... i’m ready to change jobs again. it’s been like two years and I want to do something around people my age and shit. not sure what, but i’m gonna list some options maybe tomorrow. (i’m really hoping at some movie theater!!!!! :’))

been getting really fed up with my manager at the café who i was cool with. since one of the cooks recently had a baby he went on paternity leave for a week and the manager has been staying to close. he rips at me sometimes and like teases me about shit and it’s not enough for me to be so mad and tell him to blatantly fuck off, but when I ask him something simple and something that I really need answered he’ll just be like why do you wanna know? who is it about? it’s the who, what, where, when q’s all the fucking time.. it’s like dude I WANNA KNOW BUT U DON’T NEED TO. and also like I have no shame (as every girl shouldn’t) to let my hairs grow from my armpits and stuff and one time i was reaching for something and he saw and commented on it. it wasn’t like he was utterly disgusted, but more like why haven’t u shaved? and now he constantly teases me about it. and it’s like whatever but today i was like in a fuck u mood and he came at me with the same shit so i was like “fuck off i don’t need to fucking shave, it’s my body and i’ll do what i want. i don’t fucking belong to you and even if i did you don’t have the right to police my armpits and shit. you don’t shave so why should i?” and then the stupid shit reply of “because i’m a man i don’t need too” holy crap I now have no fucking patience to fight about something as simple in concept as this, to him. so I just told him to shut up and i walked away. he takes it like a joke and shit but like that’s the very beginning of feminism 101 and stupid men can BARELY handle hair still jesus christ it irks the fuck outta me. so yeah i’ve been bickering with him a lot and tbh having a shitty time there now. 

the other day i got off of work about 20 mins before my second job so i just decided to sit down and wait it out. this dude at work that got hired recently named Freddy was on break and just decided to sit with me. at first I thought he was like 16 because he’s on the shorter side, but also has a huge baby face... turns out we’re the same age. he’d always work night shifts so i’d only say wassup or small talk and shit but never really knew much about him and visa versa. so he sat down and we just started talking.. like straight up and it wasn’t awkward. we started asking shit about each other and turns out he’s Guatemalan too... which explains his height lol. but yeah we talked out how he came here from there and how he’s in the process of bringing his whole family here and how he works two jobs and all this other stuff. then, as boys do, he asks me if i have a boyfriend. preface to this... i think or at least have a hunch that he has a crush on me because he looks at me a lot and laughs at the shit i say which is entirely stupid or just not funny. I tell him that i don’t. he then asks why and i say because i don’t need one/don’t want one. at this point i can tell that he’s a good listener and i’m the sucker ass bitch who has a big mouth and talks when anyone even shows the slightest interest so i keep talking.. I go on a rant, a real one, about my shitty habits. I tell him all about me on Tinder and my trust issues and not even feeling like anyone would like me in real life, and so on. Mind you, that I wasn’t fishing for compliments ok.. yeah I think this dude is cute, but not a crush really. I just wanted to tell the truth and kind of explain to someone to see if i could get a different perspective. I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no, but that it was ok because between two jobs and school, he didn’t think he could handle one. He then told me that I seemed like a cool person and that I wasn’t ugly (god it sounds awful as i type this, cheesy af) and I said thanks kind of and that I was kind of in the process of bettering myself and feeling more comfortable with me (which is true) and yeah. The dude is really nice and easy to talk to and it made me happy, because he actually listened. This was all in the span of 20 mins and then I had to leave. I haven’t talked to him like that since, but I really wanna hang out with him at some point.

now that we’re on the subject of dudes... here’s another one for ya. I’m not sure if i’ve mentioned the dude i matched with on Tinder, but yeah.. We’d been talking for maybe a week straight and then it kind of got boring and he wasn’t really saying anything for me to reply back to so I just didn’t. Then a couple days later he sends me a ‘what’s up?’ message. so i tell him what i’m up to, in detail to see if i can maybe start a convo and i ask him too and he gives me a really short answer and nothing to really go off of.. so i don’t reply again. and prior to this, on new years I was feeling lonely OK, and i told him we should have gone and watched a movie together, but i was sick as a dog by the time he replied and i was like it’s cool some other time. then he told me to let him know when i was free again like next week so i said i would.. but then after that i was like lol nah i don’t really wanna hang out, i’d rather be alone. but i know my bitch ass will start to feel lonely like in a week and do the same shit again. so i’ve been posting movie things on IG and he follows me on there so he sees that i’ve been free and going out. so tonight I went to go see Moonlight and it’s midnight when he sends me a message reading : “Hey so I know you’re not trying to talk to me anymore but I don’t want to give up on talking to you, you’re really cool and I wanna watch movies with you :) I sound pathetic but idc.” I don’t even know how to respond. Part of me wants to say like yeah let’s hang out and get this whole first bf thing over with and catch up on not being a virgin anymore and getting accustomed to being with someone but that’s like almost... not what i wanna do? part of it is fear, i’m not gonna lie. I’ve got major body/self confidence issues and shit but I also love being alone and watching movies alone and just being by my damn self. As much as i say i want someone to do those things with me, it’s like I’m not in the mood to prance around a new person acting a certain way because we only just met. I want to just be myself and not fuck it up. i’m angry at myself for being so analytical about this simple concept but it’s like who tf do i even talk to about this with? I’m starting to think I should get a therapist.

in other news.. I went to go get Pho with Kim the other day when it was raining :;’) (i love hot soup and cold weather!! and we talked about maybe doing a Galentines thing and going to go see The Notebook at the theater I’ve been dying to go to!! and we’re also planning on Dragcon again this year and she keeps telling me that her other friend really wants us to all get together and meet so we can have a sort of squad and that makes me really happy!! 

I also asked Melissa if she’d like to go see Lost In Translation on the 11th apart of a valentine’s day thing and they’ll have kareoke and drinks and a photo booth and she said yea!! so before she leaves I’ll get to see a depressing ass movie on the big screen :’)

I should probaby do an update on TA, huh? well nothing has really happened. I got the hint that his gf was in town dud to him barely talking to me and i was right. they went out and did a bunch of shit in LA nd posted all of it on social media and it was kind of like aaaalright then. I mean it bums me out because he shut me out but then when she leaves he starts talking again ya know. idk i’m not gonna make it a thing to hang out with him anytime soon.

I have a long three straight days of working double shifts so i’ll be burned out soon enough, but i’m glad i got this all off of my chest.

now sashay, away.

Episode 8: Operation: If You Fuck With Me you're Dead - Nic

steffen, darian, yall really fucked me up. i am so mad right now. to be fucked over like this i know i considered voting out steffen earlier but i felt bad and went back on it but i feel so fucking mad and lied to and its stupid.

I'm SHOOK! IT WORKED 😂😂😂😂😂😂

ok so first you know we take off on our dragons cause you know DRAGONS FROM AN AUCTION, while at the fantastic meal place, I snag a vote stealer, cause lets face it, Id rather have control of that rather than anyone else so we get back to camp and Jordan wins immunity in basically a second, so yay another Jordan winning streak, but then we have a lot of down time until the vote, and right as Im ready to go to bed, Darian and Ashley message me saying we need to talk and I’m like, wtf I do now I was basically feeling like I just had a ice cream truck fall on me from the sky turns out I wooed them over to trusting me, and they revealed that Lily wanted my head, which shocked me cause I thought we were good, but in retrospect, I did vote her out before so not a suprise but turns out she had leaked her hit list to Darian and Ashley, going from me to brian to nic, with Andrew somewhere in there and you know while I was freaking out, Ashley and Darian were like wtf we do, so then we sorta came up with a vote split plan, and lets just say it revealed a lot it was super complicated but involved me lying to Nic, which we were kinda on even terms but like, when Darian was going over the plan with him, Nic wanted me out so at that point I knew I couldn’t trust him, following such theres been doubt put in my mind that Drew is in my best intentions and in fact was going to vote me out if not for his self vote, I mean it took a hell of a lot of prying to get him to admit that Lily was targeting me so whether he really wants to play with me is a question at this point But while we were gathering votes I discovered some real interesting information 

1. Jordan isn’t to be trusted in this game with me anymore, he went around trying to get me to vote Andrew and everyone else to vote me, and Brian was already hectic and scared so instead of telling him all the info about how Jordan told me Andrew, I played off that paranoia and bonded with Brian against Lily 

2. Luke, literally my secret spy to get me tea I love him, he basically came clean with all the Jordan tea of targeting me and it just was amazing 

3. Andrew I feel is closer to me than ever because I was there with him for a hard time, and I leaked info to him about Lily targeting him, and Jordan telling me to vote him out 

Basically I feel in an ok spot, the only people I have to be iffy about at this point is Nic, Drew and Jordan, and if I can somehow go about Jordan leaving soon, that’d be great but we managed to have everything work out I got a feel for the tribe dynamics And Lily got voted out after coming for me

anyway for darian and Steffen to use my vote like that and be straight up liars is so ugly I hate men 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 jk my new closest ally Jordan is a man 

why does everyone think I'm dumb is it because I act dumb all the time ?? probably

OKAY SO THIS IS A RANT FOR MY CONFESSIONAL SO DARIAN THINKS HES REAL SLICK BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIM He told me lily was out for me so obviously I vote along with him, but the way he told me about it was sus I’m usually good at sniffing out a rat but there was little I could do ABOUT it and it would be dumb to make waves about it now, but I see him. There’s no way he did;t know the votes would be split like that, I think there is a group making puppets out of some of us and I need to figure out who exactly is in that group. I know its Darian and Ashley probably Pines too, makybe not. I also just realized I was accidentally interrogating Darian so I’m gonna chill for a little bit But I see him -.- also fucking LOL at Jordan trying to tell me he was the one vote for Steffen when we already know it was Lily hahaha

Well, I'm pretty sure I just shook this entire game up and I have NO IDEA what's going to happen next... I definitely need to win immunity next week or I'm probs screwed 😂 Getting lily out but I voted drew and he's not too happy about it.  He says we are good but... we aren't.. I know it... I really don't think we are good at all Maybe I'm wrong.. idk😭😭😭 I'm so confused

So that tribal was just quite interesting. I mean Darian and I completely got shit done. But now Darian is most likely going to be a target cuz I kinda made him do all my dirty work.... God I am like an awful person (cwl) Well I mean Darian is the one who went to Nic and Brain and suggested our plan, Steffen went to Andrew... I kinda just sat back and watched everything happen, so hopefully no one will completely know I had a semi huge impact on that tribal.

BYE DARIAN IS A LITTLE SHIT HUH This messy Aeolian gameplay whew

So alot has happened & I'm just gonna use the opportunity to write about it.

Soooo last tribal, I was told me, steffen, darian, brian, ashley would all be voting Drew. However, it turns out they were lying to me. 

Darian? Dead to me. Steffen? Dead to me. I have to admit being lied to and being taken advantage of hurt. But in the end it only showed me the light. I love cutting people out ! Who knew 

I love burning bridges and then using the leftover pieces to build new ones. Cause now, the plan is for me, Jordan (my closest ally), Drew (the person i voted for who i am now voting with), Brian (the person who ive barely spoken to), and Luke (icon) to all vote together and take out one of the Terrivle Trio, aka D*rian/S******/Ashley. 

Also apparently Drew has an idol!! Which is iconic. He could be lying to me but idc bc if he is.. whats new lol If this plan works out I will give every person who voted with me 100 dollars. 

If it doesn't work out I just have more excuses to be mad at the people who betrayed me. 

Also.. me being able to freely express my opinions because I don't give a fuck what happens? a concept. If I get voted out it's no big deal cause I have actual friends in Wonderland. Anyway.... bye guys I'm sure I'll have another one of these as things progress. ALSO SHOUTOUT TO JC......... thanks for that letter. You winning Panem and me winning Westeros... its a prophecy

right now im gonna go to steffen and darian and act sorry. will they buy it...... probably not. they're smarter than that! apparently.

So.. tribal is approaching. I have to admit, with everything that has been planned, I will be a bit disappointed to go home. 

Everything is working so far. We have the majority alliance and Steffen/Darian probably have no idea it's Ashley tonight. In fact, Steffen even thinks I've been rallying against Darian. 

I don't wanna get to confident. But I hope this game turns around

Who knew this was gonna be a tie vote! Who knew Brian was gonna change his vote. 

Every moment in this game is an opportunity tho. Even though I've already sent my vote in for Ashley, I'll still use this to chance to make a deal with Darian and let him campaign to me. And with this tied vote, I can still kinda make Steffen think I voted Darian. Which is what he though before tribal. Hopefully this puts me in a good position 

I'm using this to mend bonds with Steffen/Darian, while maintaining my bonds with the others. Minus Andrew idek him 

(i feel like i already sent a confessional about this oh well) 

Anyway now that I actually have something to lose.. I have to be careful of what I say 

How did I go from on the bottom basically asking to be voted out to being in this good position........ I scream

So that tribal was interesting. Darian and I are now kinda against each other and he is very certain it will be unanimous that I am leaving. Which makes me want to punch sense into him because literally anyone can lie through text.

Anyway. my strategy rn is called "Operation: If You Fuck With Me you're Dead" and if that isnt a good episode title idk what is @hosts. 

Ashley? check. 

Darian and Steffen? we'll see i have tons of abi gifs ready

me before F9 tribal:

me @ Ashley and Darian after F9 tribal: 

me @ Nic and Brian after F9 tribal: 

me shopping for a new alliance: 

me as the Ashley votes came rolling in: 

Ashley and Darian as the votes came rolling in: 

me @ Ashley when she tried to apologize: 

me @ Ashley's begging: 

me when she tried to give me her turkey leg: 

me realizing there are still five more weeks of this game: 

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED I'm soooo in the dark it's not even funny My own best friend who just performed the best show yet with me LIED TO MY FACE 😭😭😭😭

[2016-12-03, 9:15:21 PM] Darian Goggin: I [2016-12-03, 9:15:24 PM] Darian Goggin: Am shook [2016-12-03, 9:15:29 PM] Darian Goggin: What just happened [2016-12-03, 9:18:28 PM] Jordan Pines: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ why am i the worst

Dear damn diary 

well thanks to myanmar for screwing up my sleep cycle it seems Ive been out of the voting cycle due to trying to catch up on sleep, so basically its become a Nic and Darian fight, and if I could look at myself at the beginning of the season, I’d pat myself on the back and say, Raven Symone would be proud of you CAUSE YOU CALLED IT.  So while he did save me last round, Im not saving him if Im in minority, its just stupid at this point, so Im at least going to give him the dignity of giving him a heads up, cause he deserves it at this point, but I knew Id probably not go to the end with him, guess I was right, so gotta go with the flow today cause I am too sick to put in effort here