#I want them to come back and hit HARD
Text
Hate listening to BTS songs right now 'cause they put me in such a good mood but then reality is like we're not gonna get new shit for another year and that sucks so much.
#Sab talks#listening to Silver Spoon right now and I'm like ''this song slaps'' like it's the first time listening to it LMFAO#can't wait to hear what rl cooked up or are cooking up for cb#I want bangers like please don't cb with more slow songs...#we got enough of those before they left#and by enough yeah I'm aware it was only like 2 but that was 1 more than necessary just imo#I want them to come back and hit HARD#like Mic Drop era kind of hard#a part of me thinks we won't get that kind of music though and I dunno why...
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
I just skimmed through the art part of your blog and holy bajeebus your LMK art is so beautiful and the headcanon ideas you come up with are so good I wanna steal em-
Kinda wanna see like a part 2 of the little angst you did between MK and Macaque a while ago. It's so interesting and I wanna see Macaque's reaction in your art style. (You don't have to of course, it's just a suggestion [idk if i spelled that right])
Thanks for reading and hope you have a good day/night!
Hope this is to your liking ^^
Part one here
#I’m sure there are some character nuances im forgetting but well 🤷🏽#I want their misunderstanding or whatever they have going on between then come to a head. literally just going ‘wait what’#for me I think it’s entirely possible that there was an actual fight and maybe tension leading up to that point#cause I feel like macaque is not just bitter about thinking he died to wukong but maybe some stuff that built up to that#maybe the fight was just the breaking point. maybe they’re idiots who don’t talk about it because they think they’re on the same page idk#chipper-smol wrote a cool theory abt them using macaques ‘you’re nothing’ line in s4ep1. from what I understand it could be a direct parall#parallel to when he said that to MK right before MK regained his nerve and hit macaque in the eye.. since flying bark foreshadowed monkey mk#waaaay back in season 1 (where his shadow is his monkey form in the opening) i think that could be deliberate#and they could have gotten billy to voice an entirely different line for that scene. but they reused his line from s3#in a very specific scene with wukongs narrative foil. hm#that aside I would have liked to hear billy voice the ‘you abandoned me’ line that would have killed me. but that’s just me lol#also looking at this I should have shaded the last frame to make it look more dramatic and serious but I ran out of time :(#if anything I want to see MK try and help them get back together. poor kid tries so hard to understand people so I think it would be cool to#see that happen. that’s what I like about him.. he asked macaque why he was working for LBD instead of accusing him of dooming everyone bc#he wants to and he tried to comfort spider queen by admitting he was scared of LBD too 😭😭#my art#myart#Lego Monkie kid#lmk#Monkie kid#lmk spoilers#Lego Monkie kid spoilers#lmk macaque#six eared macaque#lmk sun wukong#lmk swk#lmk MK#lmk xiaotian#lmk season 4#Lego Monkie kid s4
1K notes
·
View notes
Photo
into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.
the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.
for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.
the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.
but they were never whole to begin with, were they?
qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.
olly says nothing.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#sorry i wanted to make a new post for my fic since the first illustration is new.#*stands in the middle of a desolate field in the pouring rain* Please Read My Tale...Blease..Oh god please..*collapses to the ground*#someone asked if there's spoilers in it. Um...yes. Sorry...it's about everything#maybe i should describe it more? it's about qifrey becoming more and more disabled - as i feel is his canon trajectory#and both of them processing the choices that have been made. it was necessary for me to explore this in order to fully understand orufrey#and for them to have the cathartic conclusion-that's why this is important to me for my witch hat fanwork making life. this connects it all#and having dived into qifrey's mind and lived through oru's feelings i was able to get to a place that is possible for them.#the hit/kudos ratio is so pathetic idek what happened. ppl opening it realising its long and saving it for later or just bailing lmfao#idek any more i hate advertising my writing i hate trying to get more ppl to read my long fics it's so hard 🥲#i'm so much prouder of this than my art...i was able to sink deeply into the orufrey feelings i had always wanted to fully explore#so. it's there lol.........i reread the date/kiss segment today after trying to forget about it thinking maybe the fic is just BAD lol#and like.....nope! i like it very much and this is what i was trying to get across. and it's always there to be read by anyone who wants to#and i will always remember the bliss i felt while writing when i was just lost in their world and living as them. dear GOD i love them.#i'm grateful to myself that i put in the work and love to make this so that i can always come back to it. i wanna illustrate scenes properly#but i'm never satisfied with drawing things i've written because i just can't capture the vivid experience in my mind. maybe one day.
229 notes
·
View notes
Text
How pissed do you think Shermie was when he found out about what really happened with Stan and Ford???
#Hayley Speaks#It might not hit as hard if you headcanon him as the baby in the flashback#But if you don't and you headcanon him as older than them it's like#Okay so he comes home to find out one of his younger brothers got kicked out#And the other moved all the way to the other side of the country#And then the news about Stan being dead comes up#So I fully imagine that while Stan never outright told him about what happened; he knows damn well that he's not Ford#Even after all the time they spent apart; that is so CLEARLY Stanley Pines who is suddenly going by Stanford#Maybe Stan hides his hands around Shermie to continue the con but Shermie knows#Which means something probably happened to Ford and Stan doesn't want anyone to know#So he keeps the secret and doesn't let on that he knows#He could always confront Stan about it but also like#The last time he really saw Stan was long before he got kicked out of the house#He does NOT want to scare off what is potentially the only brother he has left#He's always felt like the third wheel when it came to them; both because of the twin thing and the 'being the oldest' thing#Combined with the whole 'Pines men don't talk about their feelings' thing; he thinks it's best to just let Stan keep pretending to be Ford#And silently mourn the loss of the brother that the rest of the family doesn't realize is even gone#But THEN the grandkids are like 'Yeah Grunkle Stan's twin brother is back now!' and he's PISSED OFF#He kept Stan's secret for THIRTY YEARS and the bastard didn't even have the gall to let him know that Ford was back face to face#Neither of the bastards had the gall to do it?!#They just took off on a fishing boat together in search of adventure??#He's so mad at them but also...that is so painfully in character for them. At least from the memories he has of them as young kids.#But also.......he's their brother#They couldn't have told him ANYTHING???
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
😺
#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet#i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean#he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today#and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this#its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back#but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason#he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much.#he would want that for all of us right#but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus#the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months.#thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time#and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol#my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most#when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most.#but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway#i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit#i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody#because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right#and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated.#i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do.#to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him#nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 💓 i can't wait to see it#anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 💓#please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 💓#we have esch other and we will be okay 💓#sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 🤓
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Yet another beautiful day to have the Maxwel tag blocked (can't see half of the posts in the Wendy tags)
#rat rambles#starve posting#maxwell posters have lost any semblance of tolerance from me ages ago Ive yet to meet a maxwell fan who's just like a normal person#and to clarify I actually do like maxwel as I am the number one just some asshole whos in too deep enjoyer#but dear god are ppl just absolutely incapable of being normal abt this man and everyone around him#and even beyond that ppl just do not get this man like please he is indeed interesting but not because of some 'retconed redemption'#like pls we can live in a world where he is not an irridemable monster and is in fact just some guy while also still being a flawed person#like the fact that he is so deeply flawed in ways that he never actually properly adressed and challenged is the interesting thing to me#like look at me. he went through horrible shit he didnt deserve. that didnt inherently make him a better or worse person#it just made him a more miserable person#and he didnt escape because of some change of heart or character development#and afterwards he teamed up with wilson because of necessity#I do think on some level he genuinely cares abt the other survivors and he does have genuine regret for how things turned out#but again those things dont inherently mean he moved past the flaws that got him here it just means he has the ability to recognize that#shit sucks and that he wish none of it happened#its why encore is one of my favorite animations from a character perspective because it shows some juicy charlie and maxwell stuff#mainly it shows both that charlie has not forgiven his ass and is manipulating him and that maxwell is still susceptible to it#which isnt a sigh of them rolling back development it's just a sign that maxwell is easy to manipulate with the right cards#which adds up considering his past and his present very well in my opinion#this is a man whos historically always ran away from his problems and is always on the hunt for a sense of control#and charlie tapped into both that and his ever present guilt#its in fact very unsurprising and not out of place for him to fall for that sort of manipulation#and it also makes for a great set up for the inevitable betrayal from charlie as maxwell is hit by the harsh reality of his situation#and that whole situation would lead to some yummy tasty parallels when charlie inevitably gets betrayed herself (I hope)#the ways charlie and maxwel are so similar yet so different facinates me deeply I love how much charlie doesnt realize shes kinda fucked#I want her to be betrayed so hard and left in the dust with no ground to stand on I want the rug pulled out from under her feet#her composition comes from her confidence in the necessity of her actions and the moral superiority she feels over maxwell#so having her sense of superiority be revoked would make for a super fascinating dynamic as she tries to justify the situation in her head#I wanna see her siral and then maybe change her pronouns idk
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Goodness I did not appreciate the former management at my apartment complex. The manager and nearly all the staff left and now we have people who aren't taking care and aren't being kind. I have lived here for years. My partner and I pay nearly $2000 USD a month to live here. It's our home. It's literally management's job to help care for our home.
Post brought to you by the memo of pending eviction notice we got because the apartment complex's system cancelled our rent auto pay. Previously, management worked hard with reminders and emails and calls to make sure no one in the complex got a late fee, let alone to this stage. When my partner went to talk to management, there was no compassion, simply, and I quote 'It's the law." And "I didn't know our system worked that way." (ITS LITERALLY YOUR JOB TO KNOW! THATS WHAT WE ARE PAYING YOU TO KNOW.) He was still courteous and even toned in his speech. I had to walk away because I was livid.
#while this all happened the manager didn't try to help the assistant manager at all#instead she let her grandkids say hi to my dog without my knowledge#i was standing by the doorway to the assistant managers office and the kids were behind me#im very fortunate that my dog is veru well behaved and good with kids#still hes a big dog and if he turns around quickly or wags his tail hard. he can hurt someone.#ive had parents get upset with me because my dog did a dog thing (wag his tail which is unfortunately at small kid face height) and#their kid got startled or hit (by said tail)#they didn't ask if they could pet the dog. they just went for it#ive never met these kids before. we are strangers.#even after I tried to reposition my dog away from the kids. the kids kept coming back up and I didn't have the bandwidth to parent them#my partner knows im ready to move out. moving sucks but i don't care. this management has rubbed me the wrong way too many times#we are house hunting so we will hopefully be out soon and it wouldn't be ideal to split our attention with moving temporarily#i still want to get away from these shitheads#e is for echo#rant
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok so basically i could combine basic elements of my kh aus into one ultimate au if i accept ventus sleeping within sora's heart and basically have xion and namine shoulder the Entire weight of like. what seperating roxas and sora Would have done cause i really dont want to seperate them...
the idea behind the more recent au is its vauuugely set in kh3-postkh3 where sora is like "you know its kind of interesting that even though basically all the people in my heart that made up me and my memories and my body are gone im still here and basically the same. this is not comforting me and is actually starting to really freak me out that im the same and i still act like them"
like basically he feels empty but isnt acting empty. and its because of all the links people have made with him and the people he was made of kind of like.... filling in the negative space. sora is someone who is dearly beloved by everyone, in all the forms he has taken, and that also means he is beloved and remembered for being a person he is not (ventus, xion, vanitas), and now thats keeping him stable when he really shouldnt be and its affecting him pretty strongly.
so the tldr is that in a villain-coded action, riku basically eats these connections (in what is universally considered a Bad Play, at least initially, by everyone but sora and riku) that are filling in the negative spaces so sora can start from scratch and maybe wear a face that only belongs to him
#i miight have to bite the bullet and seperate sora and roxas to have this hit like it should but i really dont want to.#i can probably have xion be siphoning her body off of them easy enough i guess like. the visuals just dont hit as hard#kh#aughh and thats the main thing abt the difference in the two aus is the most recent is like#fully kind of taking into account all canon details and then giving a massive fuck you to it while still working within What Happened#and the earlier is more clear wish fufillment. basically i dont wat axel to come back but that might just be what happens. we'll see
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ride 689: The senpai one year older
Pag 1
3: More, Onoda-kun!!
We have to become stronger
4: We have to raise our pace a little
If we keep going like this
4: We won't catch up to the first years!!
Yes!!
5: Aaaaaaaa
After this...
Pag 2
1: We'll only have our own strength
Pag 3
2: I can see them!!
3: Onoda-san and the others!!
Onii-chan!!
They're getting closer, even though there was a distance of three minutes
4: The bridge that's our finish line is right before our eyes - let's get away, Danchiku
Yeah, Issa
5: Let's switch, Onoda-kun!!
You did a good job...
Pag 4
1: Now, leave it
To us!!
To us!!
2: Don't say the same thing as me, Hotshot
That's my line!! Naruko!!
3: P.... lease.....
Waaa- Onoda.... he fell behind
4: Let's catch the first years!!
That's.... bad, what's with that acceleration!!
Pag 5
2: Ahhh, dammit, even though I though we could manage it today
3: Kakaka, not yet!
Keep practicing, Kabu!!
Ugh...!! It was just an accident today!! It just happened that I had no strength left!!
4: By the way, why did I have to run with the first years, Imaizumi!?
I'm a second year!!
5: Ah... Kawada
6: That's
7: I guess that's because your strength and experience in the club are the same level of the first years?
Ugh.... don't put it so bluntly, you bastard!!
8: You can always get to the second years's side if you work hard and your status goes up
Ugh.... ugh.... dammit, alright I got it
9: Really though.... Hotshot, you're so strict with Kawada
Hahaha serves you right, Kawada!
Really?
I told you to speak politely to me, Kaburagi!!
Pag 6
1: Let's go eat lunch on the rooftop
Alright
Ah
2: Onoda-kun
3: Ah, Kanzaki-san
4: You're helping the teachers?
Yes... that's right, they asked me to take this to the reference room
5: My class, too. Let's go together
Okay
Pag 7
1: Ah, who during today's morning practice?
The second years' side caught up!
2: You sure are great
I fell behind at the end, though
3: It's getting warmer in the mornings, isn't it? Even the warm isn't cold to the touch anymore
4: It's already April after all
It's spring
5: Yeah
6: The school too
7: has become quiet
Pag 8
1: The third years are graduating
Pag 10
3: They're having the graduation ceremony, and the closing ceremony for the current students is in two weeks
Its' a bit lonely
Pag 11
1: Yeah...
3: Koga-san, and Aoyagi-san, and.... Teshima-san
Pag 12
1: They.... graduated
...yeah
3: The time spent with the “senpai a year older than you” is long
4: so, compared to the third year senpai when we were in their first year
Pag 13
1: It's different.... it feels lonely.....
….yeah
Pag 14
3: Teshima-san, Aoyagi-san, Koga-san – the third years really worked hard
Pag 15
1: Catch up, first years
It's a game of tag
Ah, the second years still haven't given up
Use these
I'm the only one who isn't decided
Teshima!!
2: Get through!!
I'm glad
3: Many things happened, but we always ran watching your backs from up close
Pag 16
1: Onoda
2: Onodaa!!
3: Onoda
4: Yes!!
5: Thank you so much!!
Pag 17
1: Now....
2: Onoda, you clean the whiteboard please
Since it's to write things like informations and practice menus
I'll leave it to you
3: Erase.... this....?
Imaizumi-kun?
4: No no no, no way no way no way
5: But
As the captain
I have to harden my heart....
6: No way...!!
No, since this is my job... I have to hold on tight
But... really.... this....
7: Oh, you're early, Onoda-kun!!
Waaaa-!!
8: What are you doing with the whiteboard?
Hahaha, it's nothing
Pag 18
1: When I met Kaburagi at the school shop earlier
He was super excited
Haha, is- is that so?
2: There were really more than five of the special left!!
It's a miracle!! I really might be in luck because it's spring!!
You say so, but you still only bought four of them
3: Maybe he'll buy a lottery ticket and really win
Yeah, Kaburagi-kun really likes that yakisoba bread
4: But he could able to buy the bread just because there aren't third years anymore
Pag 19
1: This morning too, he said something like “it just happened that I had no strenght left, and so I lost”
That's
3: The third years graduated and he's not here anymore, so he he hasn't that power
That guy used to gling to Aoyagi
5: Kaburagi-kun....
He doesn't realize it himself
6: Really... he's such an idiot....
7: But I miss them too
Perm-senpai!! Silent-senpai!!
8: …. saying that, and there's no one to make fun of
Pag 20
1: They took care of us, we fought, and we even ran together at the Inter High
They gave us so much
2: Naruko-kun
3: I feel like Teshima-san will suddenly appear in the clubroom saying something like “I'm between exams”
7: But that's not gonna happen!!
'cause he graduated!!
8: And I want to thank them, and return the favour
9: But I can't do that.... now
But don't worry, I told you already, Onoda-kun
Pag 21
1: The favours with received from our senpai
we'll return them to our kouhai!!
4: It's almost spring break...
and after that we'll already be
Pag 22
1: Third years!!
3: “Third year”....!!
Pag 23
2: Yes!!
That's right!!
#yowamushi pedal#yowapeda#yowamushi pedal spoilers#yowamushi pedal manga#yowapeda manga#yowamushi pedal translations#ride 689#i hope you have tissues with you when you read this chapter :)#im. SUFFERING.#IVE BEEN CRYING OVER THIS SINCE YESTERDAY I CANT I WASNT EXPECTING THIS WEEK'S CHAPTER TO KILL ME#WTF WATANABE#where do i even start ;A;#first:everyone is crying over the third years graduating AND SO AM I GIVE THEM BACK TO MEI NEED THEM#THEY HAVE GRUADUATED THIS CHAPTER AND I ALREADY MISS THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING#GIVE ME MY JUNTA BACK WATANABE I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM ;a;#Naruko's speech at then end hit me SO HARD#out of everyone i wasNOT expecting NARUKO OF ALL PEOPLE TO BE SO EMOTIONAL#i mean i knew everyone would be emotional but for NARUKO to make such a speech???? I WANT TO THANK THEM AND REPAY THEM#I KEEP EXPECTING TESHIMA-SAN TO JUST COME INTO THE CLUBROOM#BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN BC THEYVE GRADUATED!!!#WELL GUESS IM CRYING ALRIGHT#also also ALSO#what he says about kabuuuuuuu#please i cant i love kabu and his relationship with aoyagi SO MUCH and knowing that kabu is suffering bc aoyagi graduated#BUT HE DOESNT EVEN REALIZE IT#its killing me really i cant i cant i cant#the fond way naruko talks about him too ;A; bc he KNOWS HE KNOWS WHAT KABU IS GOING THROUGH#BC HE LITERALLY WENT THROUGH IT TOO LAST YEAR WHEN TADOKORO GRADUATED#pleaaaaaseeeee the fact that its canon canon that kabu used to cling to aoyagi ;A;#yes i ship them SUE ME
80 notes
·
View notes
Text
📝 💐 🛼 💔⏪️💭🧊🌄❤️🩹
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
previous ⏪ now playing ⏩ next
back to playlist
#stranger things#bizarre love triangle playlist#el hopper#els pov#fleetwood mac#there are a lot of el coded fleetwood mac songs holy shit#but this one whew#'damn your love damn your lies'#GET HIM!#“and if you don't love me now (you don't love me now) you will never love me again”#it's basically a big testament to the fact that this is a big fight you can't come back from#if after all of this time after him already apparently saying it and after her saying it to him and writing it to him...#him not being able to say it even when she's practically giving him an ultimatum#then that must mean it's never going to happen#'i can still hear you saying we would never break the chain'#'you can't let these mouth breathers ruin you. ruin us! they're nobodies. they're nobodies! and you're a superhero!'#i just realized that mike corrects himself from you to us....... makes the whole what about us line from will hit different#knowing he tries to use it on el later to attempt to make them more romantic when in reality.........#he is trying really hard here#he's trying to dance around what she wants him to say without outright saying it#but el's not having it#not anymore#'chain keep us together'#begging 'the chain' to keep you together... it doesn't get much more forced conformity than that folks#4x03#gif
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Weirdest feeling ever
#no i have stuff to do and i have to study but im kinda having an existential crisis so hm#im going to leave taiwan in about two weeks and im so conflicted on how i spent my time here#i have the feeling that i didnt see enough or did enough while i was here and met with friends#but at the same time i know that lots of time i genuinely didnt have the energy for it and its so hard being away from home#esp since i miss my bf and my family like crazy#at the same time i have family and friends in taiwan as well and i also want to spend time with them but the family is so draining#and its just slowly hitting me that many things i do here will be the last time i do#like being at that bus stop or walking down that street or seeing that building#like i know its coming to an end and i will and can probably never return to this specific point again#so im just. just trying to comprehend whats going on vs what i should have done#all the while wishing that i was back already so i can eat my mums food and see my dad in the garden#and my siblings playing video games together and my friends in our city#and i want to be held by my bf so much. these months have felt like an eternity#but i also dont want to leave taiwan bc it was a really nice time here that felt like being in a little bubble#when im back im going to have to work and focus on my bachelors and deal with family#like im really really torn about how i should feel and if there is a way that i can feel#so kinda wanna just bundle up and do nothing but i have my final on friday so i cant#rea rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I was born with a mask
Or I might as well have been
I didn't even know what my own face looked like
As the years went on
I added to it
Layers upon layers caked onto my face
A protective shell
But you were by my side when there were cracks in it
You loved me when the mask was still new and didn't cover much
You were with me for so long, through so much
I thought
That after the long and arduous process
Of hammering at this ceramic
To chip away the layers
And let my face feel the sun
You would rejoice as I did at seeing my face
But instead I have to wonder if you ever loved me in the first place
And chip you off of my heart
#some disjointed thoughts about unmasking autism#and losing friends I've had since childhood#or really...#having to come to terms with the fact that they aren't being good friends to me#that they got weird about me stimming in public#just flapping my arms excitedly#that they got mad at me for not staying for an additional activity due to sensory overwhelm#that when i first told them i was autistic and tried to lighten the mood#one of them said its not appropriate to joke about mental illness and shut me down from discussing it#trying to get me to skip a night of my meds so i could drink with them#becoming really aloof with me when i went semi verbal#messaging my mom behind my back to tell her i needed more therapy because i set boundaries about what i could handle and that was rude#the more confident and happy with myself I've become#the less they've liked me#and its hard to let go of friends youve had for so long#especially when those friends were among the only ones you had for a long time when you felt like you couldnt make friends#but maybe it was the fact that i struggled so much to make friends that my standards were kind of low#this kinda just hit me cause i was thinking about my birthday party#and i realized i didnt want them to be there#because they keep making me feel bad#they accepted me when i was The Weird Kid#but they cant accept me as an autistic adult#and they don't have to#just like i don't have to keep putting up with it
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed#dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically#here for another 2 or so weeks#but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl#how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not#emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably#it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does#and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends?#i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything#and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be#and that i think is just like a part of growing up#i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to#like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important#and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count#not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire#and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass#idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved#and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls#and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general#we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was#home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on#which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful#but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here#in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it#not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted#idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack#im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back#a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit#i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that#idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
me currently ^
#(csa warning for tags)#jeeesus i am so done with everything. its not wven that bad i dont know why i’m as upset as i am#school is just fucking hell the past couple days for some reason. even though we literally just had march break. idk. the cycle is really#hitting me hard lately i guess#and my fucking anxiety is coming back like i swear to god everyone is staring at me and laughing and i know it’s not true but jfc it feels#like it. it hasn’t been this bad since before my diagnosis#and i’m absolutely convinced my friends fucking hate me and we’ve kicked ppl out of our friend group before (they were racist and#transphobic) and im so fucking scared it’ll happen to me#and i know it’s a completely unfounded fear but oh my god its fucking paralyzing#and i feel like im seven again and completely and utterly alone and im so so so scared of it happening again#im so fucking scared of being alone. i just want someone to talk to#and like the reason i’m spiralling isn’t even important. it’s literally bc some of my friends have stopped eating lunch with me#like it’s so fucking stupid but i can’t get over it#and two of them don’t bc they got imto relationships and im happy for them and i know its not expected or anything to get into one in hs#like logically i know that and i tell myself that all the time but godddd it doesnt stop me from feeling like im fucking broken all the time#literally not a single person has ever seen me as anything other than a friend. and im not even fully convinced abt that.#like. why does everyone have experiences with ppl liking them and not a single person ever has liked me#like what the fuck is so wrong with me that no one will ever love me#literally the only fucking person who has ever wanted me. EVER. was a grown fucking man that raped me as a child#and i cant even fucking remember it. I CANT REMEMBER WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE WANTED#and i know its some sick twisted way to look at it. like this grown fucking man raped me when i was younger than 8 and all i can think about#is how that was the only time anyone’s ever wanted me#and like i don’t even actually WANT anything. i just want someone to like me. i want someone to like me so fucking bad#the scariest part abt it is that i want it to fucking happen again because i just want to be wanted#i’m absolutely fucking terrified of never being wanted. ever. it’s the scariest shit in the world to me#bc as far as my life has been it’s been true. all my childhood bullies have been fucking right#the only time i have ever been desirable was when i was younger than 8. now people literally fucking gag when they look at me#and i dont fucking know what to do#rambles#vent
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
once i learn how to sew it will truly be apocalyptically Over for you hoes
#i feel like hot shit when i mend a hole or fix a button imagine the high ill get when i actually do something impressive#i got patterns..i got some fabric...i already have access to a sewing machine i know how to hand sew. like only one stitch but still#many. many youtube tutorials#how hard can it be micheal the used to make 5 y/os do this sitting at her mothers feet#tbf they also had their mom watching them like a hawk like youre fucking up stop stop do it like this#who wants to come over and hit me in the back of the head with a newspaper whenever i fuck up its the only way i learn
8 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
