me laughing at the same jokes i’ve heard 1000 times every time i listen to/watch a recording of phantom

my summer vacation is gonna be WILDDDDD this year oh my god. First I have 2 week and a half long vacations with my dad because my brother is getting married. THEN. I’m going on a cruise with my mom and THEN at the end of summer I’m getting knee surgery because apparently I have like 3 different somewhat serious conditions going on all at once IN 1 SINGLE KNEE what the HELL MAN 😭😭😭

anyways yeah art is probably gonna be slowing down a LOT over summer and I don’t think I’ll be able to participate in artfight this year. Maybe a little but if I do then I’m gonna be focusing on close friends only really LMFAO

ok not to be like he’s just like me fr…. but chayanne is just like me fr…..

i’m also the oldest child with one younger sibling who needed a lot more care when we were kids and therefore was deprived of certain needs in favor of my brother. i also had a parent that was missing a lot and depended almost solely on my dad. obviously tallulah needs more help than chay, with her asthma and lesser fighting skills, not to mention she had only been playing minecraft for like a month? or two before wilbur found her. and chay knows that! he knows that she needs more help than he does he knows he’ll do anything for her he knows he has to be the strongest to protect her. my brother and i are only a year apart but i was forced to grow up very very quickly bc i was on my own a lot as a kid while my brother was sick. phil doesn’t worry abt chay when he runs off bc he doesn’t need to, chay can take care of himself. hell, he took care of all the eggs when they first left. but at the same time, it’s comforting to know ur parent is looking out for u even when u don’t need it. phil’s not a smothering parent, he’s attentive, but not smothering. but let’s be real he can also be emotionally constipated LMAO but that leads to situations like the argument and frustration between chay and tallulah when dapper was kidnapped. in his defense, he’s never been a parent before and had 2 children thrust upon him to raise on his own. he didn’t have a lot of time to adjust to parenthood like ppl in real life do, he suddenly had 2 children who had their own thoughts and opinions and emotional needs, he didn’t get the time it takes to LEARN abt how to provide that specific care and while some ppl have that innate knowledge there is a lot of learning and navigating when it comes to emotional vulnerability and regulation esp when it comes to children who are figuring it out as well. i feel for chay when he thinks he needs to be the strongest. i feel for chay when he had to make the decision to gather the eggs and leave. i feel for chay when he had to take blame for bad things happening. and i feel for chay when he realized tallulah doesn’t need him as much anymore. my brother and i are both adults now and we had a …… tumultuous relationship as teenagers for reasons that were both our own and caused by problems outside our control. but i still remember exactly how devastating it was the moment i realized that he was fine on his own. that he didn’t need me anymore. and it caused a rift between us; on my end bc i was frustrated and felt tossed aside and on his end bc he NEEDED to be independent to keep growing. i see so much of myself in chay and i desperately wish he and tallulah had a better mediator for their argument, or at least someone who could truly understand why they were so upset. i don’t think phil clocked that tallulah was so upset and adamant abt looking for dapper bc it was just her dapper and ramon surviving on their own. just bc phil didn’t witness it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean that they don’t have a much tighter relationship than they had before purgatory. and when chayanne said everyone was blaming him for the decisions he made phil was quick to tell him that no one was blaming him but also phil doesn’t know that! he doesn’t know if any blame was put on chayanne when it was just the eggs together. chayanne made the decision for the eggs to run and they trusted him bc he’s the oldest and he’s strong and he can be a leader but by running he also put the eggs thru a lot of pain and fear that they may not have gone thru if they stayed with their parents. and even if the eggs didn’t explicitly say that they blamed chayanne im sure he blamed himself for every little thing that went wrong. we’ve already seen him open up a tiny bit abt how he was questioning his decision to leave. but phil told him that chay made the best decision he could have given the information he had at the time which is true! but when ur the oldest and everyone is looking to u, all of the responsibility lies on ur shoulders. chayanne has been carrying SO much weight on his shoulders for so long it breaks my heart.

They better not rob me of my shower “I love you” scene.

🔇-

not to p*riod post but like. it came so late last month and it’s even later this month probably both due to stress (lol) and i mean i never “hope” i will get it ever but i was hoping id get it during the fall break so it wouldn’t mess up any of the things i need to do this week and i think there’s like a 90% chance im gonna get it tomorrow which is a jam packed day during which im supposed to give a campus tour to a prominent vice president an hour after getting to the office so. lol

been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

it’s raining today and I was waiting for the bus home from the plasma center. I was wearing short sleeves with a sweater over it, no jacket, bc that’s easier for donating plasma

and it just occurred to me I should have been cold. I should not be able to wait for the bus in December in a t shirt and light sweater. i shouldn’t be able to take out the trash at work in my short-sleeved uniform in December and be fine. it shouldn’t be RAINING in DECEMBER in the NORTHERN US

Me: Finally in my villain era

Also me: *proceeds to be the nicest person I can be and stresses out over accidentally hurting someone’s feelings while overthinking my communication style*

I’m going to lose my mind oh my god I am so scared for this quincenera wtf

Writing fanfic with like 90% of the plot already planned is so funny but also so painful because every time there’s a mystery I purposefully put into the story as something that will be foreshadowed to revealed and revealed later in just praying people don’t think its a plot hole.

Like for example, the timeline OG Cale and Choi Han living in being different from TBoaH with some similarities. (The major differences being that Lily Henituse is alive, and while the rest of the continent took a pretty hard hit with the war, the Roan Kingdom managed to rebuild some of itself later in the war) , this one is so important because like, things aren’t supposed to be that way! I didn’t change canon for no reason! That happened for a reason! Guys! I swear!

Same thing with like KRS and OG Cale being able to hear eachother since they were young through their dreams, like that also has a reasoning behind it I promiseeee guys I swear😭😭 it’s like my biggest irrational fear that people will think that I’m just doing these things with nothing to back them up even though I know I shouldn’t rlly think abt it too much and just write the story like I intended 😭😭

I feel like a part of writing fanfic, especially LCF fanfic that makes me so nervous is the fact that canon is already and established and really well written universe. If things change, I feel like I need to make it OBVIOUS that they changed on purpose and not cause I’m changing things for the sake of changing them.

Sometimes I re read older chapters and go “wow, the delivery of this line sucked! I should re-write that slightly” because I’ve gotten better at phrasing things but WHAT IF ITS TOO LATEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 when I don’t have a limited vocabulary anymore it’s going to be the day I write something real good

Like I’m reading the early chaoters of [In the Borderline] and it’s like, FUCK some of these things just look like a dues ex machina even though they have reasons behind them.

I think a huge part of it is because of the wording, and how sudden everything is, I should have emphasized the characters confusion to these things to as a way to show that yes, things are off, BUT I DIDNT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS WRITING I FORGOT TO PROOF READ 😭😭😭😭 AND NOW ITS TOO LATEEE

Idk I’m just saying stuff at this point, but I guess my point is for a story like lcf, I want my fanfic to be something good becauee I really love lcf. I want to be able to write a story that shows how much I love the characters and things I want to see happening, but without erasing importance of characters or anything from TCF because I firmly believe that KRS is important no matter what.

There are things I will never change, like KRS being the one to name Raon, KRS being the children averaging whatever years old’s father, KRS having the silver shield(cause I think that’s like THE ancient power that represents him, that and Vitality of the Heart)

In a regression fic like [In the Borderline], where the time line has diverged so much, and in general is a fic that plays the long game when it comes to plot points, I just want it to be clear that everything happens for a reason and that I’ll never change KRS’s importance to the story, cause in that fic, OG Cale and KRS are both so important.

Choi Han too but he’s like, supposed to be cool and mysterious rn I can’t reveal too much abt him and TBoaH and why the world Cale and Choi Han lived in has so many differences from TboaH novel

i feel i’ve been a bit self absorbed lately but i’m not sure where to begin, any advice? my friends are v understanding and i want to be the best version of myself and not wallow in my own self misery anymore, and they also deserve a better version of me

As far as where to begin, that is a step that only you can decide for yourself. Though if you are struggling with something, theres no shame in going to talk to a therapist when you need one. Otherwise, I’d suggest maybe some self help books or journaling about your feelings

As far as your friends are concerned. Listen to me. And listen to me carefully. IF YOURE FRIENDS ARE BEING UNDERSTANDING THAT MEANS THEY GENUINELY CARE ABOUT YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE OKAY. To them its not about ‘them deserving a better friend’. To them its about the fact that their friend is struggling with something and they just want YOU to be okay. And sure, being a better friend may come along with the healing process. But you need to realize that you cant and never will be a perfect friend. Because that doesnt exist. Your friends love you for you, even with your flaws.

So you see, it’s important while you are working through your own feelings to realize that you actually have really good friends. Who are more concerned about you getting better than anything else first and foremost. And that’s probably what they want you to be concerned about as well. Things come in steps, you’ll get there anon

talked to an advisor/counselor and i’m nervoussss

was suddenly reminded of my experiences with people reading over my shoulder today

uhh

“hey so there’s been a bunch of exposures recently but we’re gonna have the volunteer party this week bc it’s outdoors so we’ll be fine. yeah it’s a bunch of people all talking maskless face to face in relatively close proximity but we’re outside so any transmission would of course be impossible” be so fucking for real