#I heard someone likes my boy Lopez so enjoy- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iaeriy · 5 months

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trust issues // pedri & fermin lopez

summary; as in you being the sister of a famous footballer, who knew you would be this sneaky in your birthday.

warnings; its a little crazy.. joão x reader at first, fluff at first, smut; threesome, dirty talk, squirt, unprotected sex, protective fermin at the end tho 🥹

a/n; pls listen to trust issues by the weeknd, these two remind me of the song IT GOES WELL WITH THIS FIC TRUST MEEEE. anywhoo, requests are closed so plz don’t ask for anything since i decided to just write all the requests in my inbox. anywho, enjoy the ficc! 🎀

sorry for mistakes, this was uploaded on my phone & i didn’t proofread as ALWAYS.

another match day! it was always fun, you were always in company with your brother and just looking out after him. sure the loan to barçelona was a lot but to see your brother in a smile and just not down, was all you wanted. you were now sitting at the very front with your vip lanyard around your neck watching your brother interact with his teammates while warming up. you were looking around watching the others, only for pedri to be staring at you. you looked at him before he smirked at you and went back to his warm up, you furrowed your brows confused, what exactly did he want and what was his issue.. you thought to yourself. he was quite handsome tho, you saw pedri talking to a friend of his. you just shrugged it off and continued watching joão interact with his teammates and do what he had to do. afterall being his sister meant to take you out anywhere, the two of you had a close bond so when he had told you that he got into barçelona it was happy tears for him and you. now you were sitting at the stadium with his jersey on you. you saw him talking with pedri, not that you didnt find it weird, you were known already in the locker room just as “joão’s sister” everybody. and by everybody the whole locker room, knew your name because of a few stalkers on instagram stalking posts about you. joão had to try and put something to an end and that was because of how protective he was over you, he knew what’d happen if any of the younger ones your age would get near you. who’d know. everybody knew you had a crush on some of the players..everybody but your brother himself. and that was what sucked for you, pedri knew you liked him & so did fermin. as in for your brother he just didn’t know anything.

eventually it was officially time for the match to almost start as you saw joão head down into the locker room. he waved at you to head down to the locker room as you rolled your eyes before getting up from your seating as you walked down to the locker room. you saw joão standing there as you smiled before you ran to him and jumped into his arms, “someone’s very happy to see me..” he said as you smacked his arm before getting down, “well si, i had to watch you warm up. that’s about it..” you said as you heard a pair of cleats drop on the floor making you and joão turn around towards the locker room as pedri looked at you yet again, you swallowed as he picked the pair of his cleats up smirking at you again, “what’s up with her coming in here joão?” he said as you gripped the hem of your shirt before he walked towards your brother, “es mi hermana tonto, what do you expect.” (she’s my sister dumbass) he said slapping his arm as you giggled, he looked at you as you blushed looking back. you thought the innocent but bad thoughts, this would be fucked up slightly for you..but for him? DEFINITELY fucked up! you giggled before you saw a nosy fermin in the back, “hola y/n” he said as you blushed seeing him without his shirt, the boy already had everything on but the jersey. “hola fermin..” you said smiling before joão said shook his head as he chuckled, before getting closer to you, you backed up a bit. “let’s see, you only have a few minutes..convo ends here now stop flirting with her.” he said as fermin said stared at joão, “i’m not.” he said as you snickered, pedri was right next to him as he looked at you, “yeah, you heard your brother.” he said as fermin rolled his eyes before slapping pedris head, “pendejo.” he murmured as you nodded your head giggling.

“joão! i’ll be going now. do good out there!” you said before kissing his cheek as you walked out the locker room before you heard pedri shout, “adios y/n!” you went to the bathroom, you washed your hands and just flicked water on your face. you let out a shaky breath before walking back to the pitch as you sat back on your seat, you took pictures of the view and then yourself, you saw pedri looking for you, of course.. after the interaction in the locker room, that was besides the point until you heard the whistle blow. the match had officially started. you watched joão pass the ball & keep it away, you were only focused on your brother. you were here to watch and support him regardless of either a loss or a win, barely into the game the other group scored into the net, you looked immediately for joão as he was dissapointed and just stood there shaking his head. you huffed loudly rolling your eyes as it was only SECONDS in, just already one goal for the other team. few minutes go by and you witness joão make his first shot, leaving it blocked by the others goalkeeper. you witnessed one of fermins shot as well, you bit your lip staring at the boys hands, god what were you thinking. as the 20 minutes went by joão kept shooting & just aiming for the net, but the other goalkeeper kept blocking. the whistle blew for half time, so far 1 to 0. you saw the others dissapointed, as gavi went up to you. “so si veniste.” he said as you jumped and hugged him, “si, te dijo mi hermano?” you said as he hugged you back, “pues si, habla de ti como cada dia.” he said as he rolled your eyes, you giggled before the two of you made your way down to the locker room. “gavi tengo una pregunta-“ you said as he stopped walking and looked at you, “dime?” he said furrowing his brows as you played with your fingers, “desde que vine, pedri y fermin me an mirado mucho. o sea que saben que yo quiero a los dos poco menos a pedri pero mas a fermin, o algo pero me hacen caras..” (since i came, pedri & fermin have been giving me looks, like as if they know i like them but not as much with pedri but more with fermin or something, but they make faces..) you said as he widened his eyes, “no te preocupes, yo les digo.” he said patting your head as you smiled before the two of you went down to the locker room, you saw joão talking to fermin as you stopped walking and stood there. you saw fermin stop talking to joão as your brother stopped talking before turning around, “quien te trajo para aqui-“ he said as you pointed at gavi, “oh..” he said as he kissed your forehead, you smiled as your hands ran through his sweaty hair. your face being grossed out as he punched your arm slightly.

“not funny.” you said as he smiled before you saw pedri come by and eyed you up & down, “aw you came back to visit, how cute..” he said as you gulped, “no pienses tú en tenerla.” (don’t even think in wanting her.) joão said as you giggled watching him get overprotective, “joão no pasa nada..” (joão nothing bad is wrong.) you said smacking his back as he rolled his eyes, “si. si pasa algo.” he said as you whined before pedri chuckled, “yo no hago nada, ademas ta bonita tu hermana, even fermin thinks so too right?.” he said as you blushed, before fermin looked at you then pedri, “shut up.” he said as pedri winked at you the second joão looked away as you felt a heartbeat down on your clit, as in for fermin he was looking into your eyes. you looked at him as you smiled at him before you kissed joão’s cheek, “well, my cue to go now. do well in your second half of the game loser!” you said as he slapped your arm playfully, you pouted before you waved bye at the three boys as you and gavi walked back to the pitch. “ni piensen ustedes a tocarla o nada. vale?” he said to both pedri and fermin as they both nodded their heads, “shes off limits.” he said as pedri chuckled, “really? she’s very innocent but either way maybe tell fermin that.” pedri said before fermin rolled his eyes, “shut up already.” it was time for the players to go back into the pitch for second half. you sat back down on your seat as you watched all the players walk out of the locker room and into the pitch. you saw joão run to his position as he waved at you, you waved back smiling. as for pedri he gave you a smirk again you rolled your eyes as fermin waved at you, your heart did the little flutter beat. as you waved back. no goal so far as minutes passed by, but until the 50th minute you saw a teammate of your brothers start arguing as joão stepped in. you saw pedri push the other players away from your brother as you shook your head in dissapointment, but then that was until the next 3 minutes when the boys had scored. the loud cheers of the goal as you screamed in happiness, the 1 to 0 frustrating the team until you saw your brother happy.

by then the next minutes went by as barça was given the penalty, you saw the teammates all huddle for the penalty as everyone cheered the second the ball went into the net, marking it 2 to 0. you screamed again jumping around as you saw the smile on your brothers face, you giggled as you were happy. the last minutes went by and it was finaly, barçelona won as you were happy. you saw joão clapping for the chants as he waved at you and you waved back, you smiled a lot, you were so glad he was happy. seeing him happy made you happy as well. once everybody starting leaving gavi went to your seating as he pat your head, “niña vamos con tú hermano” he said as you giggled before the two of you made your way to the locker room, you didnt see joão so you thought he must’ve taken a shower which you didnt mind since your driving but you saw pedri and fermin. gavi held you by your arm since your obviously the youngest and you have to be around somebody older than you due to your brothers call. pedri went up to you as he towered you, “what do you want..“ you said before looking up at him, his scent drove you insane as he was out of the shower. you swallowed as your breathing began to change, gavi pushed him off “no jodas, te cacha joão y es tu culpa.” he said as you giggled watching his reaction, gavi gave pedri a glare before going to fermin to talk to him. pedri towered you again as you gulped, “so how’d you like the game after i had to go and get onto your brother..” he said as you nodded your head, “it was okay, you know you’re really good at your job..” you said giggling as he smiled, “you’re very pretty you know that right..” he said as he ran his finger on your cheek, caressing it with his cheek. “i-i don’t think y-you should-“ you said before you heard joãos voice, you smacked pedris hand off, before pushing him away slightly, as you ran to joão as he lifted you up hugging you, you giggled as pedri watched the two of you interact before your brother put you down. you smiled as he kissed your forehead, “you played really well again! also am driving.” you said as he chuckled before you saw pedri talking with fermin.

you stood in your tracks as you sighed shakily before fermin went up to you, “oye que no mañana es tu cumpleaños?”he said as everybody stopped talking, everybody was looking at pedri and fermin and you. even joão himself had stopped his movements as he looked at the boys, “oh si es mañana, gracias por preguntar fer..” you said smiling as he smiled back at you, the boy had a really cute smile. you two just stared at each other, before you interrupted the lony lasting eye contact. “sooo..tu y gavi son mejor amigos o?” you said balancing your weight as he nodded his head, “desde que eramos diez años, por que preguntas?” (since we were ten, why do you ask?) he said as you smiled at the thought of those two knowing each other since they were just babies. “es por que yo manejo a joão de regreso so no sabia si necesitabas alguien que te llevaba a tu casa-“ (it’s because i’m driving joão back home and i wanted tonknow if you needed a drive back to your house-) you said as pedri walked towards the two of you before he put his hand on his shoulder, “están amorados? o que.” he said smirking as you slapped his head, “n-no! me tengo que ir a-ademas..” you said before you lowered your head down, your cheeks turning pink as he pulled your arm towards him, “mmm i’d say your brother can wait. let me get to know you more.” he said as you whimpered just at looking at them both, “no gross! maybe my brother can handle that..” you said before you saw a frowny joão in the corner of your eyesight. you gulped before joão began making his way to the three of you, “y/n vámonos.” he said as you nodded quickly before he grabbed you by your arm, you winced in pain before you waved bye at both of them.

joão dragged you to the parking lot as you whined at the pinch he gave your arm, “let go my arm joão! i’m okay!” you said before he shook his head a “nuh uh” slipped out of his mouth as he went on his side and you went on yours, “joão! i’m old enough! i can date i don’t know why it’s bad!” you said as he stared at you, “it’s bad because from what gavi said these two are a bit of a playboys, is that what you want?” he said as you gulped and shook your head, “n-no!” you said as you removed the vip lanyard off opening the driver seat putting it in the cup holders, “joão..come on it’s not a big de-“ you were speaking before he threw a napkin ball at your head, “you’re off limits for a reason. those two know what they want.” he said as you rubbed your head, “well what if you’re wrong! one is and one isn’t!” you said before walking over to the passenger seat and opening the door, “get your ass in. i know i may be younger but get in. had enough of your nonsense and i’m driving. NOT YOU.” you scoffed as he got in, you closed the door before you saw pedri and fermin going out. you gulped as pedri winked at you before you saw gavi, fermin and pedri going to the gavis car. you sighed shakily before you went over to them, you tapped on pedris back as he turned around and looked at you. “oh hi- i just wanted to say thank you.” you said as he furrowed his brows, “for?” he said as fermin looked at you with a small smile, you blushed. “for defending joão back in the pitch.” you said as he smiled before ruffling your hair, “oh you’re welcome, you should be going back. he’ll get more mad at us.” he said chuckling as you felt the heartbeat on your clit again, god what is exactly wrong with you. you nodded your head before smiling at fermin as you waved bye at him without pedri noticing , “right, well see y’all whenever!” you said before running back to the car as for joão wont suspect anything. you got in the driver seat before joão looked at you, “don’t look at me like that.” you said slapping his arm before starting the car as you drove back home. the two of you just talked about what tomorrow would look like.

tomorrow was indeed a birthday party..well yours.. but joão would be in charge of it mostly so who knew what this little idiot would throw. “so who’s coming then..” you said holding onto the stering wheel, “well i’m not sure, i thought of the teammates-“ he said as you hit on the break in the middle of nowhere, “are you fucking kidding me.” you said staring at him, “minutes ago you were just saying to not talk to them, what is going on with your head.” you said before driving again, he chuckled at your reaction. “well this time it’ll be different y/n, more equal & more fair. so don’t worry.” he said patting your head as you rolled your eyes before the two of you got home, you parked the car. “it’s okay joão, just be supportive and happy for me, you know..” you said before you got out the car as he got out the car himself, “not with those idiots, they’re crazy.” he said as you giggled before walking inside the house following your brother inside. “hii floki, i missed you more than joão!” you said holding him as you heard him scoff, “don’t lie now y/n.” joão said as you giggled before walking past him to the kitchen, “so what’s the plan for tomo-“ joão shushed you as you stared at him, “that’s a surprise, you’ll be happy. i promise.” he said as you nodded your head giggling before kissing his cheek, “goodnight then! i’ll see you tomorrow!” you said before going upstairs to your room, you put floki down on your bed before walking to your dresser looking for a pair of bra and panties for the long ass shower you were about to take. just as you were about to walk into the bathroom you heard your phone buzz, you looked down at your phone. an instagram notification, you swallowed thickly and nervously as you opened your phone. “_ferminlopez has started following you” you smiled widely as you giggled, you finished everything with your routine.

from there on, you and fermin texted the whole night but let’s just say pedri had done the same thing.

you were currently deep asleep, your hair in a messy bun and you were wearing a white shirt with grey shorts. the door slammed open as you were still asleep, you felt a weight shift on your bed as you heard floki sniffing around you, a small groan murmuring out your lips as you turned around now laying on your side, “wake up, i have something for you downstairs.” you heard joão whisper as you rubbed your eyes before sitting up, “what’d you get me..” you mumbled before he went to your side picking you up, “que chingaos haces! pon me pabajo!” (what the fuck are you doing! put me down!) you said swinging your legs around as you were on his shoulder before he walked downstairs, he put you down as you saw the pink happy birthday balloon and the small red velvet cake, “awww you care for me tooo, thank you!” you said as he hugged you, “of course i do, you’re my sister dork.” he said as you giggled, before you sat on the highchair. “can u get me a spoon..” you said as he nodded his head before giving you a spoon as you grabbed the small cake, before you dug the spoon in the cake. “wait, who’s flowers are those-“ you said before grabing a spoonful of the cake, stuffing it in your mouth as joão pointed at you, “they’re yours. i bought them.” he said as you smiled before your phone lit up.

_ferminlopez; feliz cumpleaños y/n❤️

you blushed heavily as you just hearted the message, you kept just eating the cake before you heard joão come out his room. “i’m going to the store for later on, text me if you need anything and-“ he said before you giggled, “and don’t open the door unless it’s someone here to babysit me or your teammates. yes joão i know, now don’t worry as much about me dork.” you said as he chuckled before he left, you put the cake away after licking the frosting off the spoon as you laid down on the couch before going on your phone replying to every birthday message even fermins.

ynusername; gracias fermin🤍

your heart was beating crazy, honestly who knows why. you removed the bun off your head since it was giving you a headache, you were starting to get sleepy as you fell asleep on the couch with floki of course, by then 30 minutes had passed by and the door rang. you woke up as a knock was heard, “ay voy!” (i’m coming!) you yelled rubbing your eyes as you stumbled across the room walking to the door as you opened it, “what are you-“ you said before fermin put his finger on your lips, “shhh..” he said as you nodded your head, you yanked him inside by his hand as you closed the door. “why are you here and does my brother know.” you said crossing your arms against your chest as he looked at you, “it’s your birthday of course i had to visit, and no joão does not know i’m here.” he said as you giggled, “did you bring me anythinggg..” you said as he shook his head, “yes i did, i placed them on your counter. how didnt you not see?” he said before you smiled, picking up the white and pink flowers he got you, “these are really pretty, thank you..” you said as you hugged him before he hugged you back, looking down at you,“whos dog is that..” he said as he leaned against the counter, “it’s joãos, why-“ the second you walked past him he grabbed you by your arm as he pushed you now face to face with him, “you’re so gorgeous, do you have any idea how my heart feels around you..” he said caressing your cheek as you blushed, “i-i don’t know.. you tell me..” you said as you felt your legs shake just a bit, he moved his thumb near your chin as you looked at him, he removed his finger as he looked at you before you leaned in to him, kissing him. he kissed you back holding your jaw as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

you kept kissing him as he picked you up, you wrapped your legs around his waist before he placed you on the counter, your ass hitting the cold material as you whimpered in between the kiss, you wrapped your legs around his hips as he leaned closer. his crotch hitting your panties. you bit on his lip as he groaned, slipping his tongue inside your mouth as you sucked on his tongue. you cupped his cheeks as you were now laying down on your back against the counter, he began to grind himself against you as you moaned in between the kiss. “look at you after i’d thought you’d be innocent.” he murmured as you smacked his arm before you bit his lip as he groaned again before trailing his lips to your neck as you giggled until he began kissing all over your skin. you moaned softly as he continued to grind himself, “n-no! kiss me i-instead!” you said as he chuckled before he moved back to your lips kissing you again as the two of you continued making out.

his hands trailed to your shirt as they made their way inside the material, pinching your nipples. you moaned again in between the kiss as he lifted one leg against his hips, making him have more space against you. “j-joão could come i-in & see u-us..” you said as he chuckled before he pulled away, “he wont, trust me..” he said before he smirked at your messy plumped lips, you giggled as you sat up, “mmm..5 more minutes then..” you said before he chuckled as you pressed your lips against him kissing him deeply, he smiled against your lips kissing you back. you moaned in happiness as you felt his hands trace down to your shorts, slightly pulling them off to your inner thigh as his fingers glided through your panties slightly rubbing on your clit, your wetness easily staining the fabric. “dios mío..ya estás mojada..”(my god you're soaking.) he whispered in between the kiss as you moaned at the movement of his fingers, you held onto his wrist wanting more, “p-please..” you moaned out before you heard floki barking, you pulled away as a string of saliva seperated between your lips. “j-joão’s here!” you said catching your breath before he looked at you with widened eyes, “h-here! go sit down on the couch!” you said as you hoped off the counter putting your shorts back on and fixing your hair, you ran to the couch as you sat on the other side, “act normal, he’ll suspect something.” you whispered as you went on your phone the second the door opened, “y/n why are you still downstairs and why is fermin here-“ he said as you shrugged your shoulders, “you said to open the door if it was your teammates and here he is, he came to say happy birthday, he left flowers for me but i took them upstairs!” you said smiling as he smiled, “anywho, i’ll be going upstairs now..byee!” you said as you winked at fermin and waved at both joão and him bye before you took off running to your room upstairs.

you went to your room closing the door as you fell on the bed, you sighed out loudly as you went to your closet to pick out your outfit for later on, apparently it’d be a dinner to celebrate your birthday all thanks to joão. you got your outfit all ready and stuff before your phone chimed again.

_ferminlopez: you left a boner on me. you're not getting away with this at all, missy.

you giggled as you blushed thinking of the makeout that had happened, you definitely fucked up on the rules with your brothers teammates but oh well.

ynusername; hmmm, i'll make it up soon. thanks for the flowers 🤍.

you put your phone aside as you hoped in your bed, you decided to take a nap since the dinner wouldnt start til 7pm. so getting ready at 5pm would really work the best for you, you fell asleep as your phone was blowing up with tons of birthday messages from your friends, family & lastly a few of joãos teammates. you were deep asleep until you heard joão walk into your room, he shook you by your shoulder. “wake up y/n, you’ve slept for a long ass hour. we need to be leaving in an hour.” he said as you groaned again, before you rubbed your eyes waking up as you sat up. “okay, i’m up now, get out now..” you murmured as he smiled before walking out your room, you rubbed your eyes again before walking to your bathroom as you got our your curling iron before going to get your phone. this time only pedri messaging you.

pedri: forgot to tell you birthday girl, i have a surprise for you as well 😉.

you re read the message as you blushed at the winking emojis he sent afterwards, your heart was racing out of your chest as you continued getting ready. you looked at the flowers from the sight of your nightstand as you bit your lip remembering the steamy makeout session that had happened in your kitchen, your legs getting wobbly as you put the curling iron close to your neck, burning your skin, “fuck!” you yelled as you put the curling iron down watching your skin fade to a red mark, the good part was it was your last curl. you went to your closet changing into a white lace dress, you glanced at yourself in the mirror as you smirked to yourself before you went to your closet putting on the lace thigh highs stockings. you decided to finish your makeup, not as much as you added on mascara, blush and a bit of concealer. you got your small white purse before you heard joão yelling from downstairs as you hurried downstairs, “why are you yelling-“ you said standing by the stairs as he scoffed, “we’re having to let pedri and fermin sleep here at our house due to some issue in their home.” he said as you blushed heavily, “dont they have their own home?” you said as he shook his head, “not fermin, hes been staying with pedri so now we’re taking care of them for now. anyway let’s go now.” he said as you giggled before he opened the door for you as you walked out the house, you got in the passenger seat before he got in the driver seat.

he started the car as he drove to the restaurant, you looked down at your phone at the message from fermin.

_ferminlopez: did your brother tell you?

ynusername: yes he did, i don’t mind that you two stay. you’re in a seperate room tho.

_ferminlopez: it’s okay don’t worry.

you stared at your phone at the “don’t worry” part, what exactly did he even mean. who knew what would be coming your way tonight with those two fuckers in your house, you put your phone in your purse as you rested your arm against the window leaning your head, “um so everyone will be there right?” you said looking at him as he nodded his head, “yes why?” he said furrowing his brows, “nothing, just remembering what you told me..” you said as he chuckled, “there’s a reason why y/n, you don’t know what they’re both like.” he said as you blushed heavily as if you didn’t make out with one of his teammates in his kitchen about a few hours ago, “yeah..you’re right..!” you said before you began pinching on the skin of your thigh, he looked at you as he smiled before he parked the car. joão kissed your cheek as you smiled before you got out the car as he got out as well, he walked infront of you before you followed him as you saw joão talking to the waitress about the table, you balanced your weight on your tippy toes. you followed joão to the table as everybody said hi to you as you did the same back, joão whispered to you, “sit next to fermin.” he said as you looked at him then joão as you nodded your head, you walked over to fermin as he looked up at you and smirked, “birthday girl, let me guess.. you’re sitting next to me?” he said as you giggled nodding your head, you sat in the chair that was between fermin and pedri. so it would be a bit difficult for you.

the whole table just chatted on as joão began talking about how you two grew up mainly close, “at some point too, i remember walking in to her singing in her room and just dancing to whatever songs.” he said chuckling as the rest began laughing when you felt a hand on your thigh, you gasped quietly “si..! he always walked in and we would just fight like idiots!” as you looked at fermin after talking. “q-que haces!..” you whispered as he smirked, “nada, just pay attention to your brother.” he said as you nodded your head, you just kept agreeing to what joão kept saying before you felt pedris fingertips near your inner thigh. you widened your eyes as you smacked pedris hand off, “stop it.” you said as he chuckled at your reaction, fermins fingers rising to your core as you bit down on your lip. “s-stop.” you whispered as he slapped your core, you whimpered quietly as you kicked his ankle. he groaned before slapping your inner thigh, “fucking idiot..” you murmured as pedri chuckled before you punched his thigh, “you shut up. i bet you’re part of this.” you said as he pinched your thigh, you bit down on the flesh of skin, “i’d hush up if i were you baby.” he said tugging on your thong string as you smacked his hand off, “nice try.” you said rolling your eyes.

by then there were just lots of talking and conversations, you kept dealing with pedri and fermin, you already had soaked panties from all the filthy thoughts filled in your head. by then the gathering was slowly coming to an end so once joão got up, you got up. a loud gasp coming out your mouth as you felt fermins hands rise to your ass, you smacked his hand off. “quit.” you murmured before pedri got up himself as he smirked, “is he being a little touchy..” he said as you nodded your head before he chuckled, you walked out of the restaurant, your arms growing goosebumps as you felt your nipples hardened, you bit down on your lip holding back your moan as fermin walked over to you. “what’s wrong?” he said as you shrugged before he touched your shoulder, “you’re cold.” he said as you nodded your head, he took his jacket off as his white long sleeve hugged his biceps tightly and perfect. you swallowed nervously before he wrapped your shoulders with his sweater. you smiled before you kissed his cheek, “thank you..” you said as you walked quickly to joão trying to catch up with him for no suspicious activity, “hey birthday girl, did you enjoy the little reunion.” he said as you nodded your head, “it was alright, you didn’t have to point out embarrassing moments tho from when we were kids..” you said as he giggled, “also who’s jacket-“ he said as you giggled, “fermins.” you said as he glared at you, “okay, give it back to him tho.” he said as you giggled again before you saw the two others catching up to the car.

“you’re going in the front, those two in the back y/n.” he said as you nodded your head as you got in the passenger seat, before fermin and pedri were now riding on the back. you gulped as joão got in the car before he started the car, driving back home as you just hoped for none of them to speak up about ANYTHING that had happened in the restaurant as you played with the sleeve of the jacket. you whimpered at the pain of your feet due to your heels, you removed your heels as joão looked at you. “what! my feet hurt.” you said as pedri chuckled, joão parked the car as you got out the car before holding your heels as you got out the car. before walking in to the house, you limped to your room as you left the door half open, you heard conversations upstairs, joão talking to them about the guest rooms upstairs, your room being not that far from the rooms. who knows what would happen, you looked at pedri from upstairs as he winked at you, you giggled quietly before running back to your room. you grabbed your heels as you went to your closet to organize your mess, you heard your door open as you got up, you looked arond closing the door as you stumbled a bit before your back hit fermins chest. you shrieked as he pinned you against the wall, “what are you doing here! you’re supposed to-“ you spoke before he kissed you deeply and desperately, as if he was in hunger..for you. you kissed back cupping his cheeks as he moved to your neck, kissing it lightly biting on your skin, “no tienes idea de lo mucho que te quería hacer esto enfrente de tu hermano.” (you have no idea how badly i wanted to do this infront of your brother) he whispered in your ear as he chuckled sending you goosebumps as you whimpered, a knock on the door as he moved himself away from you.

“hide in my closet!” you whispered as he quickly walked over there, you opened the door as you saw pedri, “what are you doing here..” you said as he leaned against the doorway, “mm just came by for your surprise, it should be here any second-“ he said as you furrowed your brows, “any second?” you said as he got in your room pushing you on the bed before he closed and locked the door, you gulped before fermin came out of the closet. “you two ca-“ you said getting cut off as pedri chuckled, shaking his head, “why are you two here..” you said as he chuckled, “guess hermosa.” he said looking at you, as you looked at both of them. “i can’t take both of you together! i don’t know what it’s like having two dicks inside of me!” you said furrowing your brows as he chuckled, “well, how about i tell you we’re experimenting for your surprise..afterall, you’re brother said you like us and your interviews say so.” he said smirking as you swallowed nervously, everything you thought was secret now being out “y-yea.. you’re right..” you said before pedri kneeled down as fermin sat next to you, “we can’t th!-“ you slightly yelled out before fermin grabbed you by your chin kissing you again, you kissed back as pedri began kissing on your thighs. you blushed heavily as your cheeks warmed up, pedri pulled on the hem of your thong now being wrapped around your ankle as he lifted your dress up, “wow..so pretty..” he murmured as you blushed before he kissed ontop of your clit, you whimpered as he dived down. kissing and licking your clit, collecting the wetness as you moaned in between the kiss before your hand traveled to fermins crotch.

he kissed down on your neck as your hands made their way down to his pants, unbuckling his belt before you pulled his pants down, you palmed his clothed crotch as he groaned into your mouth. you continued kissing him as for pedri he sucked on your clit. needy whines and moans escaping out of your mouth as you continued kissing him, you slid your hands inside of fermins boxers stroking him slowly. you kept moaning into his mouth as he began kissing down your neck, you leaned your head back as your moans became much more loud and clear. pedri continued kissing around your clit, his mouth collecting the wetness as he hummed in happiness the entire time before his tongue slid into your hole. you arched your back gasping softly, “o-oh my god..” you moaned out as you rested your ankles on his shoulders, fermin sucking on the skin of your neck, your hands still stroking his length as you moaned at the sight of his cock. you pulled him off your neck as you cupped his cheeks again, kissing him deeply as he kissed you back. your free hand tugged on his shirt before you started unbuttoning his top before you fully unbuttoned every little button, as you removed his top tossing it to the floor. pedris tongue sticking in and out of your hole nearly causing your orgasm to trigger. you held onto fermins bicep, moaning uncontrollably as his hands roamed behind your dress, finding the zipper, unzipping the corset as you sighed shakily. “m-more..” you said as he continued nuzzling his face onto your pussy, he licked around your hole as you arched your back feeling the knot build up.

“fuck,fuck,fuck..” you moaned out as fermin watched your state of mind, he began to palm himself as he spread his precum all over his length. pedri continued to dive in as you gripped onto his hair, moaning loudly before fermin kissed you, shutting out your moans. the two of you sloppily kissing before pedri sucked around the little knob as he inserted his middle finger and index finger, thrusting them slowly inside of you. you moaned loudly as he continued thrusting his fingers, you began to tighten around his fingers as you felt yourself even closer “f-fuck! i-i’m gonna..!” you said as your orgasm washed over you as you squirted all over his fingers, the pleasure making you dizzy, he rubbed your pussy with his palm. your juices juttering out before he pulled his fingers out. you breathed heavily as you sat up pulling away from the kiss. you removed the dress off you as fermin admired your body, his cock twitching as you giggled before, you sat on your knees. you pushed fermin on the bed as you crawled over near him before grabbing his length, you palmed him slowly as he grunted before your lips hovered above the tip as you bobbled your head down, taking him all in as you moaned happily. “y-you’re so g-gorgeous at anything you do..” he groaned out as you bobbled your head up and down slowly, your mouth making sucking noises as your throat burned trying to adjust to his size, as in for a needy pedri he went behind you as he pushed himself in, you moaned loudly as fermin groaned at the vibration. “s-so big..” you mumbled as you gagged from talking before you licked a long stripe on the base still bobbing your head.

pedri began thrusting slowly inside of you as you were trying your best not to be loud, but honestly who cares. it’s your birthday. he gripped onto your hips before he continued thrusting himself into you, you held onto fermins hips as you continued sucking onto him before you began to sped up your head movement, you stroked what you couldnt fit as you matched your palmed movement with the speed of your head. fermin gripped onto your hair as you giggled before pedri thrusted his hips harshly into you as you moaned before he began thrusting quickly, a tight grip being wrapped around your hips. “you feel so amazing, so so wet..” he said as you blushed heavily still bobbing your head trying to hold back your moans, you pulled your mouth away from his cock as you giggled in between your moans, your hands making their way to stroking fermin as you spat down on him. the white bubbly substance making him moan as your eyes were already glossy and shiny, you jolted forward at every thrust pedri did before he slapped your ass, “enjoying yourself aren’t you.” you said as you continued stroking fermin, he looked down chuckling. “so gorgeous down there.” he said as you giggled, “no wonder your brother kept you away from us, my god you’re pussy is so incredible..” pedri murmured as you bit down on your lip before he thrusted harder, you moaned loudly. that wasnt until fermin pushed his member in your mouth, thrusting into your mouth. you moaned around him as you started drooling on him, particularly everywhere.

everywhere as in your saliva spluterring down to his ballls and your chin.

you gagged around him many times over and over and over due to your moans, pedri chuckled as he continued thrusting into you, his length filling you deeply and deliciously, your wet noises being heard behind you as he slapped your ass before he pushed your back much farther, your arse fully now in the air. you cried out as fermin looked down at you. tears forming in your eyes as you felt pedris hand hug your clit, as he began to rub on it. “fuckk..you’re all tight..” he said as you gagged on fermins dick, you held onto his hips as he continued thrusting into your mouth, his hands fidgeting with your hair as you looked up at him the entire time as you felt him twitch. you giggled as he smacked your cheek, you hollowed your cheek sucking on his tip as he groaned loudly. “d-don’t cum..” you said as pedri chuckled hearing your words come out muffled, pedri began twitching inside of you as he began thrusting roughly. spanking your clit, you choked on your moan as you moved your mouth further up to the tip of fermins cock, sucking on it and swiping your tongue in circles. “s-shit! no j-jodas y/n..me voy a-“ he said before he came all over your mouth as you moved your mouth away, his spurts of cum painting your cheek and upper lip as some of it landed on your nose. you licked your lips all over as you giggled yet again in the middle of your moans as you wrapped your mouth around his dick again, “i want m-more of your c-cum.” you said as he nodded his head moaning at the oversensitivity before you winked at him as you pushed your head deeper, your nose brushing over his pubic bone. he arched his back gripping onto your hair as you felt more drops of cum burst into your throat, meanwhile for a horny pedri behind you, he continued abusing your pussy as you created creamy white substance on his cock as he slid in and out of you.

you pulled your mouth away as you giggled again before fermin, slightly kneeled down as he kissed you tasting himself in your mouth, you kissed back with a happy moan as you cupped the back of his neck, pedri continued thrusting into you as you rubbed your clit for more as you felt your orgasm approaching as every thrust kept coming and coming. you screamed the second you felt his tip brush through your g-spot, “o-oh my god!” you said between as you saw stars, little sparkles forming in your vision as you felt like if you were in heaven. a type of heaven you cant comprehend, you felt pedri everywhere, especially burried in your stomach. pedri smacked your hands off as he spanked your clit rubbing on it quickly, you screamed again from the overstimulation as you gripped onto fermins bicep. he kissed you deeply as tears began slipping out your eyes, he cupped your cheek rubbing it slightly with his thumb, as you smiled in between the kiss as you came with a loud moan, squirting everywhere all over his dick, your pussy clenching causing pedri to squirt his loads of cum inside of you as you breathed heavily. pedri fell on your back as his back was arched before he spanked your ass as he stroked himself just a bit. you breathed heavily trying to catch your breath as you fell on your stomach, you closed your eyes for a bit as fermin got off the bed.

suddenly pedri flipped you over as you whined when he slapped your boob, you looked down at fermin as you swallowed nervously before he squeezed your hand for reassurance before you felt pedris dick hover over your face. “look at you all happy for us..isn’t that cute..” he said squeezing your boob as you giggled before you looked at fermin, “n-need you in me..” you said as he chuckled, “needy aren’t we..” he said as you giggled squeezing your tits together as his cock twitched at your little attitude, you bit down on your lip before spitting down, giggling as he climbed on the bed just a bit. “quit teasing.” he said as he shoved himself in harshly, you moaned loudly as you closed your legs shut around him before he began to thrust deeply into you, your eyes rolling back to your head as you felt his thick length stuff you in. pedri looked down at you as you looked up sticking your tongue out as you giggled before he placed the tip of his dick in your mouth as you began licking circles around the sides of the tip, he groaned as you slightly started to suck around it before he pushed his cock further in your mouth as you moaned around him, a loud groan escaping from both of the boys penetrating into you. you continued moaning as fermin held onto your hips before he squeezed your boob, gripping onto it as you choked on your moan, meanwhile your mouth was filled with pedris member as he thrusted in and out of your mouth. “is this what you thought about, the entire time you were at dinner.” pedri said as fermin chuckled, “y-yes..” you said as it came out messy, your throat making sounds. explicit sounds you can’t explain as pedri slapped your free boob, “say it again.” he said as you cried out at the slap, “don’t slap her boob like that.” fermin said smacking his hand away, as you moaned uncontrollably gripping onto the bedsheets. “you just cant s-stop l-leaking..fuck..cant y-you..” fermin said as you giggled, before pedri pushed his dick deeper. you gagged loudly as you swirled your tongue around his base.

he continued thrusting your mouth, gripping your throat as you felt tears burning from the sensation. you gagged over and over before you started wiggling underneath him as he moved his dick away, you breathed heavily as he slapped his member against your tongue. you giggled before sucking around the tip. “c-cum in my mouth..” you whispered as he chuckled before pushing himself back in your mouth, thrusting into it slowly as his balls hit against your chin. you moaned loudly as you tightened against fermin, you brought your fingers up against your clit as you began to rub circles around it. “no. that’s my job.” fermin said as he thrusted his hips roughly, you screamed a bit before pedri covered your mouth, “shhh princesa..” he said as you nodded your head quickly, tearing up from the pressure as pedri moved your hand away, you were moaning uncontrollably. loudly to the point it echoed through the room and bed creaking itself, pedri placed his dick back in your mouth as he thrusted into your mouth slowly. you gagged on your moans holding onto the sheets as your hands crinkled them. you felt him twitch in your mouth as you sucked around him again, swirling your tongue. “g-give me your c-cum..p-please..” you said as he looked down chuckling, “repeat it again.” he said as you said it again, he chuckled pinching your nipple as you cried out before fermin smacked his hand off again, “o-oh fuck i’m going to..” he said as he shot his cum into your throat, you gagged before sucking around the tip, as you felt fermin load his cum in you, he pulled out rubbing his dick all over your pussy as you shrieked sobbing out a moan as you squirted yet again all over him. you laid there breathlessly before pedri pulled his cock out as you licked around the tip, more cum shooting onto your tongue as you moaned happily.

you sat up on your forearms looking down at fermin as you smiled lazily at him before you squeezed yout tits again as he chuckled before patting your head, he slowly pulled out as you whimpered at the stretch feeling empty as you sat up carefully. “w-what now..” you said as fermin pecked your forehead as he hovered above you. you smiled as you looked at pedri, “w-where are you going..” you said as he smiled slightly, “don’t worry. you’re brother doesnt want anything bad to happen so, i’ll be heading out now. happy birthday tho sweet girl.” he said rubbing your cheek and patting your head as you smiled before he got fully dressed again as he walked out your room quietly, closing your door.

“s-so why are you h-here then..” you said trying to catch your breath, “h-hey!” you said fermin held you carefully walking to the bed as he got the two of you under the covers.

“shhh..” he said as you nodded your head, he wrapped his arm around you as your hand rested on his chest, feeling his heartbrat against your palm. “i stayed because i talked to joão about us.” he said as you looked up at him, “you mean, you asked him if you could sleep with me..?” you said as he nodded his head, “he knows i like you, he trusts me more than pedri. he planned this surprise for you and so did i.” he said as you giggled before you cupped his cheeks, “mmm..thank you.” you said as he smiled, “you know i love you right?” he said before leaning into you closely as he kissed you softly, you kissed back cupping his cheeks before he held your waist placing you on his lap, you whimpered as you continued kissing him. he pushed himself inside your hole as you moaned in between the kiss.

“are y-you sure..?” you said as he nodded his head, “j-just us.” he said as you nodded your head, before you leaned into him, forehead touching as you kissed him moving yourself slowly against him.

you were still riding fermin, your hands placed on his chest as your moans kept coming out uncontrollably, you moaned loudly as you felt your lower stomach warm up. “i-i’m close! f-fuck fermin..!” you said as he began to rub your clit in circles, you leaned your head back, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as he moaned at every hip movement you did against his dick. “i-i’m g-gonna..”you said sobbing out a moan as he groaned loudly feeling you tighten, “h-hold on..and wait f-for m-me.” he said as you nodded your head, bouncing up and down on his dick as he grabbed your waist, pushing you down deeply before your orgasm washed over your body as you panted, falling on fermins chest. he filled you up again with his seed as you bit his shoulder giggling, he looked down at you kissing your temple as you smiled lazily, “a-are we f-finished..” you said as he nodded his head, you pulled yourself out as you laid down next to him, crossing your legs as he wrapped his arm around you. “y/n” he said as you looked up at him, your eyes glossy from the overstimulation that you were trying to get used to, “s-si?” you said as he looked at you, “i love you a lot, you’re a really nice girl and i appreciate you for the way joão looks after me and even myself.” he said as you smiled, pink tint flushing over your cheeks.

“..be my girlfriend..” he whispered in your ear as you giggled, your hand cupping his cheek as you rubbed his cheek with your thumb, “i want to be there for you, even through your bad days. i want to be the love of your life.” he said as you smiled, your heart fluttering more, “yours forever..” you said as he smiled before kissing you, you kissed back, after everything, every little smile and interaction. it finally happened. you pulled away from the kiss giggling as you yawned laying your head on his chest, “can we sleep now..” you said as he nodded his head before looking at the vase of the pink and white flowers he got you, he smiled befor he kissed you again as you smiled kissing him back, “cant get enough of you..” he said said as you smiled, “i’ll be back..” you said as he nodded his head, you got up as you went to put on a pair of panties on. percisely a white lace pantie with floral designs, you took off your stockings as well, as you walked back going under the covers as you turned the lights off your lamp, you got in the sheets resting your head on fermins chest before the two of you dozed off.

#fermin lopez smut #fermin lopez imagine #fermin lopez one shot #fermin lopez blurb #fermin lopez fanfic #football imagine #football smut #soccer smut #soccer x reader #pedri imagine #pedri one shots #pedri one shot #pedri blurb #pedri x reader #fermin lopez x reader

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melanieph321 · 1 month

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heyy i love your writing and just wanted to say i appreciate your work💖

my request is something like you are best friends with fermin (or gavi) and he’s madly in love with you but you don’t know about it so when you start seeing someone (possibly another footballer) he gets jealous and does something outrageous like posts a story with a photo of yours which is odd considering he’s never done it before and the person you’re seeing gets mad and you also get mad because it’s obvious he’s doing it for another reason and have an argument with him when he confesses his true feelings in a moment of weakness which causes you to take a step back but you soon realize you’re actually more into him than you knew and go to him late at night and make out

i don’t know if this is something you’d be interested in but i’d love to read it

SEVEN DAYS OF REQUEST (DAY 2)

Ugh, I hate you for making such a good request. Took me all day to finish this. And I had to make it a four part series since I put my own spin on it. Hope that's okay.

Fermin Lopez x Reader - You or Me Part 1/4

Part 2 part 3 part 4

Enjoy!

It was just a silly youth camp for all the Barca Academy's boys and girls. How it turned out so ugly, you had no idea.

It was a Friday morning when all of the players were put on a bus to a Boot Camp four hours outside of Barcelona. You were thankful that the academy boys did not share the same bus as the girls, but trailed in their own vehicle not too far behind. However it was bound to get messy at the camp grounds since the girls and boys were sharing the same hotel.

"Who are you texting?" Camilla asked.

"No one." You muttered, but nudged your phone out of her view.

"Come on, don't be shy, tell me who you're texting."

You perked up, peering over your seat to make sure that none of the other players could hear you. "Okay but promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise." She grinned, giddy with excitement.

"Alejandro Garnacho."

"What! You little…"

"Shhhhh!" You exclaimed, slapping your hand against Camilla's mouth. However,

that did not stop her from running her mouth behind the palm of your hand.

"Huh?" You frowned, her mumbles inaudible. You removed your hand.

"I said, doesn't he have a girlfriend now?"

"And a baby." You nodded.

Camila gasped. "You slut!"

"Relax." You said, leaning back in your seat. "We're just friends and you know that. We've been friends forever."

"Yes, but before that you had the biggest crush on him, no?"

"Yes, but that's in the past. He's happy in England with his new family. I told you about last summer, didn't I? Garnacho and his girlfriend let me stay with them while I was over there trying out for Manchester United's U21 youth team. Garnacho and I have become really close since then. Close friends." You added, before Camilla could call you a slut again.

The two of you sat back in silence. The road ahead was bumpy and almost made you car sick. Good thing you and Camilla were seated up front where you could see the road. You dreaded sitting in the back, since some of the girls thought it would be funny to make faces at the boys bus trailing behind you. They were having a laugh, however you found it very annoying.

"Did you hear that Fermin and Gavi are joining us on Saturday?" Camilla said.

"Hurray….." You mumbled and kept scrolling through your phone.

"I know." She snorted. "They've gotten pretty stuck up since they started playing for the first team, but I've heard that they're holding a seminar on mental health. It could be fun?"

"Mental health?" You put down your phone to glance at Camilla. Her lips twitched into a smile seeing your not-so-convinced expression. "I know Fermin Lopez of all people is not holding a seminar on mental health." you laughed. "That boy has caused me nothing but severe anxiety and depression and now he wants to talk about mental health? I guess pigs do fly."

"I dunno." Camilla shrugged. "Don't you think he has matured since he started playing for the first team? I know Gavi has."

"Please, don't get me started on Pablo Gavi." You sighed. "Fermin and Gavi were the worst of the worst when they were playing for the academy. Don't you remember Boot Camp 2019?"

Camilla chuckled. "Whatever you say. I for one am excited."

And she had the right to be. No one enjoyed drama more than Camilla. This year's Boot Camp had nothing but drama.

Part 2

Part 3

part 4

#fanfiction #football imagine #footballer imagine #footballer x reader #football angst #seven days of requests #fermin lopez #fc barcelona #pablo gavi

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cositapreciosa · 11 months

Text

You & Me II

Gilbert 'Gilly' Lopez x ex-army!reader, (implied murder/drug use/smut, swearing, ptsd, angsty but happy-ish ending) the usual for the show, 3528 words

a/n : you can read part 1 here and 1.2 here !!

A special shoutout to @narcolini for renting me their Ava & their Marco OCs. We are so deeply into it we are bulding our own multiverse and shit, you can read In his shadow here !

Tagging my Gilly people @narcolini @drabbles-mc

You were taking your cup of coffee from Gil’s hand when you first heard the car pull into the driveway. You hadn’t thought much of it in the beginning, setting your mug down on the dinner table and taking a sip. It is a busy neighbourhood, close to the elementary school, not too far from the shops, and hearing the gravel fly wasn’t making you jump from the couch like it used to. It was only the two of you in the house this morning, Rae had been able to bring Jacob to school, letting you enjoy Gil’s company until he had to leave for work as well.

With a hand, he caresses your shoulders as he moves around you, toward the entryway. You call on him as he steps further away, something about his coffee getting cold, but he doesn’t hear you, all of his attention being pulled to the window, the heavy steps you can now hear on the stairs. You get it then, that the screeching of the breaks wasn’t from the neighbour’s house, that the sound of a closing door wasn’t coming somewhere down the street. His training had kicked in before yours, shoulders pushed back, ears straining. He glances back at you.

‘’ Someone’s at the door, you stay right there for me, okay? ‘’

Fuck. If he sees the changes in your body language he doesn't mention it, but before you can argue with him, he is already at the door, pulling it open.

‘’ Marco? ‘’

You hear the surprise in his voice, the confusion that laces the tone. You can barely see who it is over his shoulders, taking up most of the door frame, but if you had to guess, this ‘Marco’ is Ava’s brother. The second youngest one, the police academy one she told you about. He moves a bit to the left and Ava’s brother doesn’t even have to be fully in your field of view that you know your assumption is right. Tan skin, hands on his hips to balance the weight of the belt, the same nose he shares with his sister. The cop one. It takes everything in you not to run to the back door right here, right now, to stay here and eat stale bread as you pretend there wasn’t a body in the back of your trunk a month ago.

‘’ Good morning, Gilly. I wanted to call, but I figured I would just show up.‘’

You had met him once, barely in passing, a polite boy from a good family, Gilly’s friend. You mostly stood back as you watched them keep up on local news, hands sweating, adrenaline pumping just by looking at the holster at his hip. Before then, you had already met Ava, enjoyed wine and dinner at her house more than once, coffee dates on the terrace if the weather was good. She had told you some childhood stories, how Marco was a hard-working boy, top of his class, that time she had to pick him and Sebastian from the bar because they couldn’t even stand. It felt weird to know so much about someone who had just learned your name and shook your hand, but it gave you a weird feeling of being a step ahead of them. Whoever ‘them’ were, whoever would come looking for him.

Marco takes a quick look inside, where you are sitting at the table, coffee getting cold in your hand. A smile pulls at his lips, waving your way quickly, he must have recognized you.

‘’ Good morning, ma’am. ‘’

You don’t wish him one back, back straight on your chair, looking at him like a hawk. He doesn’t seem to mind, already turning back to Gilly instead.

‘’ You got a second? ‘’ Marco’s eyes flicker back to you, ‘’ You know, like a private one? ‘’

You know it probably has to be something about club business, something Marco figures you shouldn't know about. Gil takes a step outside, pulling the door closed with him, but not before throwing what you hope is a reassuring smile your way. He must know you saw the uniform, the gun and the handcuffs hanging from his belt. You don’t really know what Marco’s full relationship with the club is, a subject Ava never really deep-dived into. Understandable, when you know what happened to Sebastian. Grief, sadness, everyone and no one to blame at the same time. Things you fear you might face later down the road as well.

The door shuts with a click and the whole room stops moving. You can hear the murmur of the news channel on the tv in the living room, their faint voices through the walls. You have to trust Gil, trust his judgment and that he is taking care of it. He wouldn’t have opened the door if he didn’t think he could deal with it. You can already feel your heart speeding up, feel how hard it is pumping blood up and down your body, blurring the edges of your eyesight.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You don't know how long they stay outside, but it feels like hours later when he opens back the door. You can't read Gil's face, that is the first thing you notice, the first thing that actually scares you more than the idea of having Marco arrest you for murder in your own kitchen. You meet the young man's eyes behind Gil and he is quick to offer you another wide smile. It doesn't make his eyes shine as the first one did, and you realize whatever happened, it must be big. You let yourself think for a second that maybe he isn't here for you, maybe it's the club, maybe-

‘’ Hope I didn't steal him too long, ma'am. ‘’ Marco is talking to you again, trying to downplay it, ‘’ I'll leave you two to it. See you later, Gilly. “

They exchange a pat on the back, a few whispered sentences you can't catch, and then Marco closes the door. Barely a second passes that you already want answers.

‘’ What did he mean by that? Where are you going? ‘’

He is walking back to you as his fingers comb through his beard, scratching the stubble under his chin. You can feel him miles away, even though he is only a few feet from you.

‘’ Nowhere. Not now. ‘’

He is not listening to you, generic answers to make it seem like he is.

‘’ Gilbert. ‘’

He looks up to you at that, as if he is only now noticing you across the table.

‘’ What? ‘’

‘’ You're not listening to me. ‘’

‘’ You're right. I'm sorry. ‘’

You wait for him to talk to you, to tell you what happened. You two don't keep secrets, you never did, never will. You accept that he doesn't tell you much about club things, to keep you away from any backlash. Always getting an idea of the picture, but never the full image. He stops in front of the table, pressing his palms to the wood, leaning on it as he looks at his feet.

‘’ Marco tells me SAMCRO found one of their own. Dead. Seems like the AFT caught wind of that, they’re looking into it. ‘’

‘’ You don't think- ’’

That's it's the same one, you think, the same body, the same one Coco took care of.

‘’ That you killed a Son’s brother? ‘’ He scoffs.

‘’ What? No, I didn’t- ‘’

You didn’t kill a Son. Austin was a nobody, a shit person, a below-average fuck-buddy who couldn’t hold a job, being a gangster would have been too hard on him. He didn’t have any brothers as far as you knew.

‘’ So you’re telling me there wasn’t a dead man in your trunk two months ago? ‘’

‘’ That is not what I’m saying, Gil. I didn’t- shit- I didn’t know he was a rival bike gang! I fucked him and he would buy me weed and- God that sounds wrong, I was not prostituting myself- ‘’

You are standing up at this point, grabbing the ledge of the table so hard your knuckles are white. You can’t breathe and Gil is angry and you know you should take a deep breath and stop this panic attack before it gets a hold of you but you can’t. Your chest hurts and he must have seen how pale you have gotten because he stops, eyes softening. His hand gently grabs your elbow.

‘’ Hey, I’m not mad, okay? Sit down for a second. ‘’

You know he is lying for your sake. Of course he is mad, you can see it, you know that this is enough to start a war, bullets flying, caskets lowered. He slowly moves around the table, pushes you back down on your chair as your head automatically falls in between your knees. Come on, you know this will help bring it down a bit, bring some blood back to your head, deep breath in, deep breath out. You can’t even tell if it’s him or your mind talking to you now.

‘’ I thought it was over. ‘’ you whimper, ‘’ He’s dead and I still can’t get away from him. ‘’

Gil‘s hand is warm on your neck, caressing up your hair and then down your back in slow circles.

‘’ That’s not true, baby. You’re safe here, I got you. ‘’

Baby, baby, baby. It spirals into your head as the floor underneath your feet feels like it’s turning. It takes a few more minutes, for you to finally calm down, for air to come in normally again.

‘’ His name was Austin, a dirtbag from Fresno. I stayed there for like a month, we fucked a few times. ‘’

‘’ You don’t have to tell me- ‘’

‘’ I do. ‘’ you sniff, ‘’ I do because I gotta fix this. I don’t want the club to pick up after me again. ‘’

It feels weird to tell him now, after forcing yourself to forget this moment for weeks, trying not to look Coco in the eyes for too long, afraid he would ask questions you didn’t want to answer. You hadn't told him simply because you didn’t have the guts, the courage to face what had happened. But today you have to do it, tell him the whole story so he can tell you what to do now, like he always does. SAMCRO clearly thinks the Mayans have done it, and they will come for them, for him. He crouches to your level, one knee on the ground, the other one nudging yours. He doesn’t try to pry away your fingers from your face, doesn’t offer reassuring words, but his presence is enough, his hand in your hair is enough.

‘’ One night, he’s pounding on my door. ‘’ You continue. ‘’ He’s on some hard shit, he’s not making sense so I tell him to fuck off, but he doesn’t listen. And then he’s just inside my place, I’m screaming and he’s screaming, I don’t understand, but he’s grabbing my neck.‘’

You can’t see the floor anymore, blurred by all the tears that are pooling up in your eyes. You can hear the blood rushing to your head, the fast thump in your ears. You know Gil’s fingers are shaking against your back, that he is angry he wasn’t there to save you back then, to kill him himself.

‘’ I blinked and then I was there, I wasn’t in California and he was one of them. I could taste the sand in my mouth, Gil, the pain in my shoulder was back and I could smell the bodies- ‘’

You sob, you can’t help it. You know that he understands what you are talking about, those flashbacks that are way too real, where both of you can still feel the blood on your hands. He knows those twelve hours had been the worst of your life, fighting against the gag in your mouth, the burning ropes around your wrists. It had been a miracle they had found you really. Rae bursting through the door, calling for a medic and an evac, while Gil took charge of figuring out if all the blood soaking your uniform was yours.

‘’ I didn’t know he was SAMCRO I promise… ‘’

‘’ I know. ‘’ he sniffs, ‘’ Fuck, I know, baby. ‘’

Baby, baby, baby. His nose is in your hair and your whole world smells like him, his shirt against your forehead, his beard on your cheek. It is a miracle you are still in the kitchen with him, not the basement your mind always brings you back to. Not under the scorching sun, the burning sand that haunts your nights.

‘’ I’ll let Templo know, we’ll deal with them. I’m taking care of it. ‘’

You straighten up at that, looking down at him.

‘’ Don’t. ‘’ You wipe away the tears under your eyes, ‘’ I’ll tell Bishop, it’s my mess, you guys have nothing to do with this. I can’t let them think it was the club. ‘’

‘’ Are you crazy? It’s not going to be only one guy coming for you, it’s gonna be a dozen of ‘em. You need us to protect you. ‘’

You are on your feet before he can react, pressing your palms against your eyes. Your head hurts, you feel numb, you thought you were going to be fine, here, with him, but you can’t escape it, everything always follows you where ever you go, bringing others down with you.

‘’ I don’t need it. I can protect myself. ‘’

‘’ You really think that? ‘’ He scoffs, ‘’ How you gonna do that, hm? You’re going to run away? Again? They’ll find you. ‘’

You feel like you are boiling, water spilling over the pot, hot and sizzling. He is pushing buttons you thought he wouldn’t dare, that you thought stopped hurting two months ago. You are not calm anymore, you are angry, so, so angry.

‘’ I’m a fucking US Army Ranger, Gilbert, you think a bunch of pussies in leather are going to be the end of me?! ‘’

He is up on his feet too, towering over you, chest against yours as it raises up and down.

‘’ You’re being delusional, ranger. ‘’ He bites back, ‘’ You think it’s only you that’s involved in this now? ‘’

He takes another step forward, forcing you to back away, cornering you between him and the wall. He is frowning and you realize he is not angry like you thought he was, he seems confused, appalled at your words.

‘’ You think Jacob is going to understand why you’re not picking him up from school anymore, hm? That Rae is gonna believe whatever lies you feed her? That I- ‘’

He stops at that, tongue rolling inside his mouth. He is looking at you, eyes piercing your walls, destroying the bubble you had tried to put up between you. You know you hurt him, you feel bad, you really do, but aren’t your absence a small price to pay to save their lives?

‘’ Gil- ‘’

‘’ If you want to do it alone, you can. ‘’ He continues, ‘’ You’re right, these guys aren’t trained professionals, but they’re wild dogs. They will bite and won’t let go until you’re dead. ‘’

You don’t like this. You don’t like it because you know what he is saying is true. As much as you would like to think you can do this alone, you simply can’t. No amount of training, hiding or illegal guns could dig you out of this one. You think of Jacob, his sweet face, his twelve years old jokes you don’t find funny but pretend they are. You think of Rae and Ava, all of Gil’s friends. You can’t let this affect them too and have them lose their lives in a war they didn’t even have a say in. You don’t answer him and he takes it as an opportunity to keep going.

‘’ Is that what you really want? To leave after all the hard work you’ve put into making it work here? ‘’

‘’ Of course not. ‘’ Your voice breaks, ‘’ But I fucked up, Gil, and I got to own up to it. You’re always picking up after me, what kind of shit friend am I ?! ‘’

‘’ A friend? ‘’

You can’t meet his eyes, you can’t look at him and see the hurt that must paint his face. You know you are not just a friend, you are not stupid or blind, you know why your heart speeds up every time he gets home, why you miss him when he goes on runs. You know the three words that get stuck in his throat in the late-night hours, when his lips are warm on your jaw, hand curving underneath your knee, words he would whisper if you would let him.

‘’ You’re not just a friend. ‘’

‘’ I know. I’m sorry. ‘’

Please, it means, don’t. You can tell what is coming, what is going through his head. You can see it in his eyes, in how his shoulders are leaning towards you, and you know you can’t take it if he says it today. Your hand presses against his bicep, hopefully soothing whatever fire you started, but he doesn’t allow you to stop him this time.

‘’ You really think I would do all of this if I didn’t- ‘’

Love you. He doesn’t say it, thank god he doesn’t, but you know he wants to. You wish you could think about saying it like he is, so freely, like it wouldn’t tie him down in the same suffocating way it would make you feel. You love him, of course you do, more than friends, more than everyone you have ever loved before, but you can’t tell him. Mostly because it would make it real and offer him the possibility to say no. His hands gently frame your face, bringing your focus back to him.

‘’ I’ve saved you once, I can do it again. ‘’ He is so much closer now, pressing you against his front as his thumbs caress your cheeks. ‘’ Let me do it again. ‘’

He is pleading, begging for you to stay and a part of you thinks he might be scared. Scared of letting go, of what is coming next. Sometimes you wonder if this whole thing with you is about old time's sake and you pray at night that it isn’t, that it’s genuine, a work between faith and pure chance.

He is bringing your head towards his before you can react, lips pressing desperately on yours. It feels like a goodbye kiss, as if it would be the last, a silent answer that he would let you go if you really wished him to. He tastes like coffee, smells like the cigarette he sneaked and smoked on the porch so you wouldn’t catch him.

‘’ Let me help you. ‘’ You whisper when he eventually pulls away. ‘’ Let me make this right. ‘’

He doesn’t answer your demand, doesn’t fight back to tell you he would never let you get in arms way, or say yes and tell you he would supply you the guns himself if needed. He only kisses you again, hands back in your hair, eyes closed. It’s his way of closing the discussion, enough damage done for today, enough pieces picked up for now, nothing that can’t be fixed later. You know it will be a debate for another day, tomorrow morning maybe, after you drop Jacob at school, making a right out of the parking lot and taking the main street straight to the clubhouse. You’ll notice the grease on his cheek as he comes out of the shop, know the words that will come out of his mouth before he even says them, watch as the skin between his brows creases. God damn it, woman.

But right now, you let him lower you on the dinner table, let him kiss you again and again and again. I’m staying, you want him to know, we’ll fight this together. You want to stay in the moment, enjoy what is left of the morning, but you are seeing red, motivated by a rage you thought was long gone. They are family, all of them. You won’t let Austin, or anyone, take them away from you ever again. You make up your mind when you pull Gil’s shirt over his head, hands curling around his shoulders, finger already wrapped around an invisible trigger. SAMCRO won’t even know what hit them.

#gilly x reader #gilly lopez x reader #gilly lopez x you #mayans mc imagine #mayans imagines #mayans fanfic #mayans imagine

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marjorie189 · 3 years

Text

Australia

Hey ya’ll so this Ryland Storms Imagine was written less than a year ago with @alltimecalvinhood. We had planned to create an imagines book for Ryland on Wattpad but she unfortunately went MIA. I decided to post this imagine because it’s way too good to just have it saved away on a doc without being read, but full credits also go to @alltimecalvinhood alongside myself!

This was going to have a part 2 but I wouldn’t want to continue this without @alltimecalvinhood since it was our planned imagine, so I wouldn't want to take credit for something we both worked on!

Enjoy you guys❤️

You were sleeping when you felt your phone vibrate a couple times under your pillow. You smiled in your sleep knowing it was Ryland‘s good morning texts.

You slid your hand under your pillow trying to get your phone, your eyes still shut wishing you could be sleeping. Once your phone was disconnected you slowly opened your eyes, catching a glimpse of his messages.

Your heart fluttered as you saw his contact:

Ryland🥵🤩💦❤️❤️

You grinned knowing he missed you.

You opened them up.

Messages:

You smiled at how adorable he was. His whole “bad boy/player” image on tiktok and on the vlogs wasn’t accurate when it comes to you.

His whole act changes when he’s with you. You always tease him and call him a simp.

Like The Ryland Storms acting all soft, sending good morning texts, acting all desperate for attention. Who?

You and Ryland were exclusive but not official. At least not yet.

You both acted all lovey dovey with each other and weren’t afraid to show it. The fans loved it. You just never put a label on it.

Not that you guys didn’t want to have the “boyfriend & girlfriend” title, it’s just that you both are getting to flirtatiously know each other. You both were going with the flow, and it has been going great.

You chuckled at him calling you Shawty. Him trying to act all bad boy like, to impress you. You decided to play along with his name calling. You jokingly called him daddy.

You laughed and quickly got up. You headed to the restroom to brush your teeth and face.

You then walk to your closet and choose a simple outfit to go to the Hype House in.

Outfit:

Hair:

Makeup:

Once you were done you checked your phone and decided to look at twitter before you left to meet Ryland.

You were looking at tweets when you came across a fan edit of you and Ryland.

Click to see edit!

You smiled as you watched and retweeted it.

You then clicked on Ryland’s twitter and saw his most recent tweet.

You smiled at the thought of going to Australia with him. You checked the comments and what you saw made you feel some type of way.

It was a comment from Indiana Massara.

“What the fuck?” You whispered to yourself.

You didn’t want to overreact just yet but it seemed like she was trying to get at Ryland.

You checked her account and her latest tweet made you gasp angrily and laugh dryly.

How could she have the audacity to tweet that she wanted to travel to Australia with someone “special” right after Ryland tweets that he wants to go to Australia. It’s not a coincidence, especially since she commented on his tweet.

This got you pretty heated. You got your car keys and headed to the Hype House.

Car:

The whole car ride you were heated by the thought of Indiana making moves on Ryland. Everyone knows that you and him are exclusive, so why would she even cross those boundaries. You rolled your eyes and gripped on the steering wheel tightly.

After about a few minutes you pulled up to the Hype House. You pulled up to the driveway and parked next to Thomas’s new Tesla.

You walked in and saw Avani, Tony, and Ondreaz sitting in the living room.

They all turned when they heard the door open.

“Y/N!” They all said in unison with wide smiles, when they saw you.

“Hiii!” You say happily smiling at them but then it vanished.

“Why aren’t you running up to see your lover boy? I’m sure he’s waiting for you in his room.” Tony smiled at you from the couches.

You walked up to them and sat next to Tony. Avani and Ondre being on the other couch.

“Yeah for reals!” Avani laughed. “The first thing you do is go upstairs to see him. Why are you here?” She joked.

Ondreaz laughed causing them all to laugh.

“Woww. Thanks. I feel so welcomed.” You laughed. “It’s just that I saw some tweets and it just got me mad” You say.

Ondreaz furrowed his eyebrow. “What do you mean? You okay?” He says.

“Yeah I’m fine. It’s just annoying.” You huffed rolling your eyes.

“Well come on show us.” Tony nudged you.

You sighed and pulled up the tweets.

Avani and Ondre sat on the same couch as you and Tony to see them.

You showed them Ryland’s tweet about Australia.

“Okay and do you not want him going to Australia?” Ondreaz laughed.

“You’re dumb. Noo!” You laughed rolling your eyes.

“Ohhh. I see.” Avani says, noticing Indiana’s comment.

“What?” Tony and Ondreaz say immediately looking over at Avani. They both looked confused as can be.

You laughed at their faces.

“Look at the comments.” She sassily says rolling her eyes at them. “I swear boys are so dumb!” She says annoyed.

You laugh agreeing.

They both looked at her comment.

“Okay what if she’s just being friendly?” Tony asked looking at you.

You and Avani faced each other and gave each other a what the fuck face.

“Okay clearly you know nothing about how girls act.” Avani says sarcastically.

“Okay okay what he means is what if she was just commenting on a friend's tweet? Like it’s a possibility. But I get how you see it. You can also see her as trying to flirt with Ryland.” Ondreaz added.

“Yeah thank you! No need to be mean!” Tony said, feeling offended.

You smiled at him and gave him a hug.

You both laughed.

“I totally agree with you Ondre. At first I was like what the fuck, but I didn’t want to overreact. Yet. So I looked further into it.” You say.

“Notice how she says yet.” Tony laughed.

“Hahaha so funny!” You said sarcastically at him. “But look, there's more.” You say going into her account.

You showed them her tweet.

“It can’t just be a coincidence. Like it just can’t.” You say sighing.

“Yeahh that whole traveling to Australia with someone special kinda seems suspicious since it’s right after Ryland’s tweet.” Ondreaz realized.

“Yeah what the fuck. Like she comments on his tweet saying how she “coincidently” knows people there and then makes a tweet on her own claiming how she wants to go with someone special. That’s just a big no!” Avani said.

“Exactly! So I’m kind of just trippin about it. Like I know Ryland and I aren’t “boyfriend and girlfriend” but it’s still like what the fuck you know.” I sighed leaning into the couch, sadly.

“Aww come over here!” Tony said embracing you into his arms. He placed you on his chest.

“Yeah you guys aren’t ‘girlfriend and boyfriend’ but you guys are clearly a thing and clearly talking. Literally everyone fucking knows that. So she’s literally just chasing clout, and hoping to get some spotlight.” Avani spoke.

“Yeah honestly I lost my respect for her. She seemed cool like she’s come by the house a few times. But you’re our girl and it ain’t cool what she’s doing.” Ondre said.

Tony nodded.

“Have you talked to him?” Tony said, looking down at you laying your head on his chest.

“Noooo. Definitely not stalling here, talking to you guys.” You say looking down.

“Okay you gotta go. Just talk to him.” Ondreaz said.

“Ughhhh fine.” You say standing up from Tony’s embrace. Tony frowned looking at you.

You laughed. “We can cuddle later.” You giggle.

“That's if you’re not cuddling with Ryland.” He said crossing his arms.

“You’re dumb. He’s gonna beat you up if you take me away from him especially if we’re cuddling.” You say walking towards the stairs.

“You know what I’m gonna dm this girl and tell her to keep commenting and flirting with Ryland so you can be sad and talk to us more and so we can cuddle. I miss my best friend!” He obnoxiously said.

“Oh my god possessive much!” Avani laughed.

You laughed at them and reached the top of the stairs. You went towards the direction of Ryland’s room.

Upon reaching the door to his room, you take a deep breath composing yourself. You then knock on the door sternly, ready to get this over with.

The door opened immediately, revealing Ryland’s smiling face. He looked like a little kid in a candy shop, what a simp.

“Sup Shawtyyy” He says trying to play it cool, but you could see right through him. You couldn’t help but smirk at the name but you then gave him a small glare, knowing you had business to handle. So you walked past him into the room. “Baby, what is it?” He says, sounding concerned.

“I’m mad!” You say in a baby tone, crossing your arms looking down at the ground.

“What why? But first tell me why you took soooo long. I was gonna die of getting so anxious to see your pretty face!” He exaggeratedly says.

You chuckle. “Well I’ve been here for the past 30 minutes just talking to Avani, Tony, and Ondre.”

He gasps loudly. “So you’re telling me that for the past hour and a half you’ve been with clown girl, helicopter, and Tony Lopez’s brother??” He loudly says, pretending to be offended.

“You’re so meann.” You say slightly shoving him as you giggle.

“We could have already eaten breakfast together and cuddled as we watched Outer Banks or gone out for a swim.” He says shaking his head pretending to be mad.

“I’m sorry Ry but Indiana was flirting with you!” You blurt out out exasperated, whipping out the tweets on your phone. Ryland looks down at the phone in your hand and suddenly bursts out into laughter.

You pout at him and cross your arms, acting like a child,

“Babeeee, it’s not funnyyyyy.” You say looking up at him with puppy dog eyes and a frown. He stops laughing and looks at you with a look of fondness across his face. He places a hand on your shoulder in a reassuring way and comes closer.

“Shawty, you’re adorable when you act all jealous.” He says and places a finger under your chin, tilting your head up to look into his eyes. You feel butterflies filling your stomach at the words, but stand your ground.

“Are you going to go to Australia with her? Huh?” You say grumpily with a raised eyebrow, wanting to know what his answer would be. And he laughs once again.

“Y/N I wouldn’t go to Australia with anyone else in the world but you.” Your heart melts and you look at him waiting for him to say more. “I didn’t even respond to her tweet because you’re the only girl I want.” You smile widely at him and jump into his arms.

“Aww baby!” You say giving him a soft look. “That’s so sweet!” You say and give him a kiss on the cheek. He gives you a devilish grin and throws you on the bed. He stands towering above you.

“Now will the only girl in the world do me the honor of being my official, one and only...shawty.” He begins the sentence off serious, but he cracks a grin at the end. You can’t help but roll your eyes at his goofiness. You get on your knees on the bed so that you’re the same height as Ryland’s chest.

“Hmm...I don’t know.” You pause acting like you’re thinking. “Will you take me to Australia?” You joke with him.

He scoffs, “Already got the plane tickets booked.” He says back, jokingly. You throw your arms around his waist. In a swift movement you were on top of him as he was beneath you on the bed.

“Then yes. I will do you the honor of being your one and only shawty.” You smile warmly as you hang on tightly to him. Your hands wrapped around his neck and your face inches away from his. His hands placed on your hips.

“Perfect.” He whispers as he warmly looks into your eyes. He then trails them down to your lips. He smiles up at you and slowly places his lips on yours.

You closed your eyes, savoring the moment. Both lips were in sync. Both lips fit perfectly as if they were meant for one another. You both slowly pulled away from the kiss and intimately looked into each others eyes, like there was no other,

Ryland slowly sat up on the bed causing you to be on top of his lap. He took your legs and wrapped them around him. He put his arms around your lower back and pushed you closer to him, causing your inner thighs to be as close as possible to his body.

You smirked at his dirty actions and laughed, shaking your head.

He smirked back at you and smashed his lips onto yours. Before the kiss can turn into a makeout session you laugh into the kiss and he starts tickling you making you squirm out of his lap and onto the bed. He takes advantage of that and quickly hops on top of you, keeping you captured underneath him.

“Now let’s talk about those kisses.” He said referring to your texts from earlier.

“NOOO!” You giggle trying to get out from under him.

“You can’t escape me and my kisses.” He says pucking out his lips.

��HELPPP!” You yell out laughing.

“No ones gonna help you. The doors locked!” He devilshy said looking down at you.

“Nooo.” You yell loudly closing your eyes. You then hit his arms trying to get out from under him.

He then smirked, getting an idea in his head.

“I know how to fix this behavior!” He says seductively. He lifted one of his arms from towering over you and slowly pulled down the zipper from your Zappa jacket. Exposing your small shirt that tightly held your breasts together.

He threw the jacket at the door and his eyes lit up, looking at your boobs. He licked his lips at the sight of them from under the tight small shirt. He soon came out of his trance and went back to his plan.

He dove his head into the side of your neck and you gasped at the exhilarating feeling of his lips sucking on your neck.

“Fuckkk Ryland.” You moaned quietly. Your hips moving up to his body, wrapping your legs around his waist coming into contact with his hard bulge.

You decided to cause some friction with the two of you. You rubbed on his hard member with your wet one.

You felt Ryland stiffen up and hold in his breath. You continuously swifted your hips to his member wanting him to show the pleasure you’ve caused him. Two can play at that game.

He gave up and let out a loud moan and immediately put his hands to your hips directing the pace of your actions.

You both moaned out as the pleasure immensed with Ryland taking control and fastening your hip movements. He added onto the pleasure as he rode through the fabric. You closed your eyes and let your head fall to the bed. You pulled his curly hair not wanting to let out any more moans. You didn’t want anyone hearing you two.

“Okay okay.” You whispered, putting your hand on his chest, insinuating for him to stop. He slowly stopped and you both caught your breath.

“Fuck that was amazing!” You say pecking his lips.

“Damn this was only dry humping. And yet it was so great. I can’t imagine what it’s like to actually have sex with you.” He says looking down into your eyes.

You smiled blushing at him.

“I didn’t wanna stop but I don’t wanna rush things.” You say.

“No I totally get it. Officially getting together and having sex within the same time is a little crazy.” He laughs.

You giggle and nod.

“It’ll be so worth it. But breakfast?” You ask him as your eyes lit up with the thought of food.

“It will be as long as you don't make me wait till marriage.” He says curiosity roaming in his head.

You laugh. “I wouldn’t be able to stand that long of a wait. And plus you’re horny alllll the time.” You say laughing.

“You wanted breakfast right?” He says trying to change the subject and trying not to laugh at his hornyness.

“No no. We’re not changing the subject.” You laugh hitting him. “You literally posted a tiktok saying you were horny.”

“Okayy Okayy! Maybe sometimes.” He says not making eye contact.

“Literally all the time!” You say pushing him.

He laughs knowing you were right, showing his perfect top row of white teeth.

“Whatever. But now I get to satisfy my hornyness with you.” He says placing a kiss on your lips.

“Oh does that mean imma be booty called everyday?” You say with a stern look on your face.

“Oh don’t even act like you don’t feel the same way. I know you want me.” He says confidently as he looks you up and down.

“Crepes?” You say smiling.

“Oh look who’s changing the subject now with breakfast!” He says with an eyebrow raised.

Authors Note: Since this imagine was written less than a year ago, Tony and Ondreaz Lopez were written on this imagine before they got cancelled. So if you don’t support them then imagine somebody else :) thank you all for understanding💜

#tiktok imagine #ryland storms #ryland storms imagine #tiktok #tiktok boy #hype house #ryland storms fanfic #Ryland storms fanfiction #ryland storms story

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chooseyouovereveryone · 3 years

Text

Pride Month: Why Glee’s Santana and Brittany were so important in my coming out process

Hi everyone!

In a couple of weeks time it will be a year since I fully accepted my sexuality and stopped lying to myself after a whirlwind 10-year process. Over the weekend I was reflecting and decided to write something to commemorate that, plus it’s the last day of Pride Month so it feels fitting!

Anyone who knows me, will know how much I love “Brittana” on Glee. They were the 1st positive representation I saw of myself on screen back in 2010, and I owe so much to them, and they really have been a light and a source of comfort for me throughout this whole crazy process.

Representation is so important, and can help people more than we realise, so I wanted to highlight that and talk about the deep impact they had on me. I know for certain my life would have been a hell of a lot more confusing and frightening without them, and I can never thank Naya Rivera and Heather Morris enough for so accurately portraying the roles of Santana Lopez and Brittany S.Pierce.

It feels very much full circle to even be writing this, considering where I was this time last year, but it felt very cathartic to write. So for anyone who reads this short novel, I hope you enjoy reading my story. It felt really personal and I hesitated sharing it, but I figured you never know, maybe it could help someone else who feels like I used to.

Hold tight- because it’s a journey!

[TW: for any fellow fans of our beloved Naya reading this, it does touch on her passing a little bit towards the end, but if you want to avoid you will know when it’s coming and it’s easy to skim over]

When I was growing up, I never had the realisation I was gay. It’s only now, that I look back in hindsight that I notice all the signs. Like the way I would become just a little too infatuated by some of my friends, and how the first time I ever got butterflies from a kiss was when one of my friends kissed me on the forehead on my 14th birthday because we were doing “silly makeup” on each other, and she wanted to leave a lipstick mark to complete the look. It was completely innocent, but to me it felt way more exciting than the sloppy first kiss I’d shared with a boy, and all the ones following that. But still, nothing clicked in terms of my sexuality. I did like boys, the ones at school were just lame, I figured. A few of my friends were in agreement so nobody ever questioned anything, including myself.

One thing about me that people did question was the way I became infatuated with female celebrities. I was big into girl bands, never boy bands like the rest of my friends. When I say I was obsessed with one particular British girl band, I mean I was obsessed, and clearly it went beyond just loving their music. If I had fangirled over say The Jonas Brothers or Westlife (I’d say One Direction but they were a little before my time) nobody would have said anything because it was the “norm” for girls to like boybands, but I was known for loving girlbands and pop princesses and that caused comments like:

“You must be a lesbian because you’re so obsessed with that band”

“Why do you like them so much, do you fancy them?”

They were just typical comments from 16-year-old boys who would say anything to get a raise out of you, let’s face it I wasn’t their only target, so I’d shrug them off. It was “different” and “uncool” to like the music and band I was into at the time, but I didn’t care. I certainly wasn’t going to pretend to like something just because everyone else did, which is something all my friends seem to note as a positive to this day.

“What I like about you is that you’re never afraid to like what you like. Even if you’re the only one that likes it, you keep authentic to yourself “.

That’s a compliment I’ve heard on more than one occasion from the people who love me the most, and it is true, I’m not one to follow the crowd. But what’s interesting is the way I managed to keep such a big part of me locked inside for so long.

But going back to obsessing over girl bands, although I did shrug these comments off at first, I noticed the more it was said the more I’d overanalyse and become defensive over it. Sometimes my friends would just be joking with me, but I began to get way too sensitive over it. Being drawn to female celebrities over male celebrities when you’re a girl yourself doesn’t necessarily make you queer (though in my case it definitely was a sign), but your reactions to people questioning the depth in which you love them is probably a major clue.

So, the age of 15/16 was the first time I was confronted with the notion I wasn’t straight. Friends thought they were joking with me while having no idea of the inner turmoil I was experiencing every time said joke was brought up. But I couldn’t be a lesbian, could I? I didn’t “look” like a lesbian. It seems strange to say this being from a major city in the UK (it’s not like I was from a small town in the middle of nowhere), but I really didn’t know or experience many lesbians growing up, or queer people in general. The first time I ever found out what a lesbian was, I was around 9 and playing in the street with friends. One of my friends’ cousins had come by to play that day, and her mum had a girlfriend, but we were all under the impression she was just a friend until that day when one of the older kids said they were lesbians.

“What’s a lesbian?” I asked curiously.

“It’s a woman who loves other women instead of men” my friend told me.

“That’s...odd” I thought. At that time my family were very “nuclear”, I had a mum and a dad who were married and one sister, but I definitely learned more about different types of families a couple of years later when my parents broke up.

Needless to say, that was still the only representation I had of lesbian women when I was 15/16 and questioning all those jokes and assumptions my friends made about me. Add that to the stereotype that “all lesbians were butch”, and I confidently convinced myself I couldn’t be gay. I was extremely femme presenting to the fact I refused to wear trainers as a child (thank God I grew out of that because trainers are so comfy!), I hated any sport that wasn’t dance and to go with my stereotypical girly girl persona I made it known how much I loved the colour pink (that’s something that hasn’t changed).

I don’t remember anybody in my high school being gay, but in my last year there, a group of the “emo kids” came out as bisexual. This was quickly brushed off as a phase and people would say:

“They’re only saying that for attention. It’s just another one of their personality traits to get noticed”.

Of course, this was extremely damaging for people to assume, but that was the general consensus. It didn’t make it any easier when some of those kids did in fact take those statements back and say that actually, it had just been a phase, but maybe they were just scared? Who knows, my whole outlook on it was just live and let live. I never cared what people labelled themselves as, I just knew I couldn’t relate to any of it. In short, my high school experience was pretty sheltered in terms of people coming out and being queer seemed like something really rare and foreign to me. Just to break up the UK school system up for any people reading this who are not from here, it generally goes like this:

Primary School (4-11)

High School (11-16)

College/Sixth Form (16-18)

University (18+)

You grow up a lot during high school, and it kind of makes me envy the US system of having middle school to break that time up. 5 years is a long time to be around the same group of people (sometimes longer if you went to the same primary school). I think maybe the lack of high school coming outs could have been down to our schooling system and the fact that by the time hormones and feelings and realisations come into play, your most likely in the middle of high school and you don’t want to “rock the boat” with a group of people you’ve essentially grown up with, knowing that you’ve probably got another couple of years left with them if you aren’t accepted. Most people seemed to use college/sixth form (it’s the same thing just different names but for ease I’ll just refer to it as college from now on) as their chance to forge “new identities” for themselves, or the opposite, be authentically them. College was a chance to be around new people and make new friends, and leave people from high school behind, so it made sense that more people used college to come out then rather than high school. To be clear, that’s not to say that a different schooling system would make coming out any easier. It’s just something I observe about the schooling system I was in, but I can’t speak for other people both in my country and in others. Coming out is hard, period, especially in high school. I just wonder if my experience of those first realisations in my last year of high school, would have been different if I had more exposure to it at that time. Maybe I wouldn’t have shut the idea down so confidently.

I did get some more exposure though later that year, when still in my last year of high school, I started watching Skins. Skins is a British TV drama that follows the lives of a group of teenagers starting college, and it was all the rage for me and my friends since we were months away from our own college experiences. All the teenagers had different storylines, but I became particularly drawn to the storyline of Naomi and Emily, who ended up hooking up and subsequently falling in love. It captured all the things I now love in a WLW storyline, denial, fear, and angst but ultimately a happy ending (until a few years later when they did a reboot and completely trashed that happiness but that’s another story for another time). At the time I couldn’t relate to it because I’d never experienced those feelings myself, but I was definitely drawn to it in some way and couldn’t figure out why. I rooted for Naomi and Emily to be together more than I did any of the straight couples in the show (ding ding ding, another hindsight sign), and found myself eagerly awaiting the next season to find out what would happen to them. Naomi and Emily weren’t super feminine like me, but they also didn’t look like the stereotype I had of lesbians in my head. They were just regular girls you’d see on the street (shocking, I know), so that was interesting.

A few months later my own college experience started, and that’s where I began to have a few more realisations. I still didn’t realise I was gay, but I encountered things that made me question my sexuality more. My heart would race a little as I allowed myself to think about it, then I’d push it back down again until the thoughts inevitably clouded my mind again. One of the biggest realisations was the developing feelings I started to get for my best friend at the time. We’d been close for the past couple of years by this point and we were the kind of best friends that “told each other everything” and did everything together, but college made us even closer. While all our friends had gone to the designated college that most people went to from my high school, me and my best friend branched off on our own and went to one that only a couple of other kids from our school were going to. This somewhat segregated us a bit from our friendship group, and we grew even closer. I didn’t initially realise it was a crush that I had on her, or maybe I just wasn’t willing to admit it, but the closer we got the more I started to realise how being around her made me feel happier than any of the boys I was dating or how jealous I’d get whenever she mentioned her boyfriend. Sometimes I’d even fantasise about what it would be like to kiss her, but then I’d swiftly shut that down again and blink a few times to get rid of the image.

When we did meet up with our high school friends, we’d talk about all the usual stuff. College, boys, upcoming parties, what we had been watching on TV.

“Has anybody been watching that new TV show Glee?” one of my friends asked.

A few of my other friends nodded agreeably but I just shook my head. I didn’t really know much about this show (it was still new and before Glee mania had hit).

“What!? Mel, it’s so up your street! They sing every episode; it’s made for you!”

Granted I had a love for performing arts, musicals and just music in general. Knowing what I know now, this show was made for me, but at the time I just shrugged it off. That’s the thing about me, because I’m so authentic to what I like, I rarely can be swayed to watch something even if the rest of the world is. I have to be drawn to watch it myself, and for whatever reason, I just wasn’t that interested. I didn’t even give it a try and knew nothing about the show other than the fact it seemed cheesy as hell. Little did I know how much it was going to change and enrich my life with one particular storyline, around a year later.

I caught my first glimpse of the show in the break room at my Saturday job. I only saw the part where Rachel sings to Mr Schue (1x10) and it was enough for me to roll my eyes and turn it over. Apparently, I was so offended by it, I wrote a Facebook status that said:

“Just saw an episode of Glee at work where one of the pupils sings a love song to her teacher. Why would anyone watch this cheesy crap!?”

Well, think again 16-year-old Mel, that cheesy crap might just become important to you.

As I mentioned earlier; at 16 I was dating boys. The whole “I don’t have a boyfriend because high school boys are lame” didn’t work quite so well in college. Now we had a bigger social circle, and we were going to parties all the time and my friends had started becoming more interested in boys. Naturally I had to do the same. I wasn’t confident around guys at first, and I had 0 confidence in myself so I always compared myself to my friends and told myself they were much prettier than me and that the guys would want them, not me. But in college, guys did actually seem to like me, and I began to thrive off that attention. The more I eased myself into dating guys, the more confident I felt about myself, so much so that I became known as the “serial dater” amongst my friends from the ages of 17-19. Here’s the kicker though, I never had feelings for any of these guys. I think it was easy to convince myself I did, because when we’d break up, I’d feel some sense of loss, but I now realise it was never a loss of that person. It was a loss of the validation they gave me. A kick to my ego. I couldn’t bear the thought of my friends thinking I’d been dumped and feeling sorry for me, so I’d swiftly move onto the next guy.

Rewinding a bit to talk about the first boy I properly dated a couple of months into starting college. He’s the only boy I’ve convinced myself I was in love with, purely because my best friend who had been with her boyfriend for quite some time at that point, had said she was in love. When she told me that, I became obsessed with fast forwarding the process. If she was in love, I had to fall in love. I don’t know if it’s because of the crush I had on her or the fact I was subconsciously panicking that I couldn’t feel for boys what my friends were feeling and wanted to prove otherwise, or maybe both, but I became obsessed with finding not just a boyfriend but being in love. And I wanted everyone to know about it. So, when I went to a party one night which I was told would be filled with boys we’d never met before, I made it my mission to make one of them my boyfriend, and that’s exactly what I did. I made a point to let everyone know that I was no longer single and had bagged a guy, but it was painstakingly obvious that I loved the idea of him more than anything else. Whenever we’d hang out, he’d suggest we go to his room but I always used to make excuses so we could stay downstairs and chat to his mum instead. That must have been such a buzz kill for him, but in truth, I just didn’t feel comfortable around him when it was just the two of us. Of course, that wasn’t the picture I painted to my friends. Ironically, I did lose my virginity to him, but only because I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and to the people around me. I remember telling myself that now I was 16 and legal I needed to hand my v-card over fast, which is ridiculous looking back, but still it’s not something that I massively regret or that had a lasting impact on me. Hindsight is just a funny thing.

What did hurt, was when shortly after that, he broke up with me for another girl. Again, I wasn’t hurt to lose him as a person, and I didn’t think I was going to marry him and be with him forever, but I was humiliated that I’d slept with him and got dumped like that. I kicked off at him big style, and what he said was pretty jarring.

“The whole time we were together you were cold towards me and showed barely any emotion, now I’m finishing it, you suddenly care?”.

He hit a nerve with that, but I didn’t show it, I just continued to go off at him about how much of an idiot he was. I seized my opportunity to act like a woman (or girl) scorned, letting everyone know that I knew what it was like to be in love and to have my heart broken. I almost used it to my advantage as if I was in some secret club, the first out of my friends to experience “true heartbreak”. Some of my friends hadn’t had their first love yet, and this must have felt so patronising to them, but in hindsight I know exactly what I was doing. If I could convince everyone, including myself, that I’d had my heart broken by a guy; I had to be straight.

This “heartbreak” also provided me with another excuse, because now I could tell people to back off when it came to talk about dating. I was too “heartbroken” to date anybody else at the moment, so the spotlight was off for a while. What’s funny is there really was no spotlight. I had a heightened sense of my dating life because I was insecure about it and created my own pressure around it all. When people asked if I was dating anyone new or if I liked any guys, they were just making friendly conversation, but I went into defence mode. Even though I hadn’t worked out I was gay yet, something innately told me I needed to cover my tracks. This later paved the way for my serial dating stage that I mentioned earlier, which came at the right time because I was still feigning heartbreak a year after that breakup, and I think my friends were tired of hearing about it and willed me to move on. What they didn’t know is that I wasn’t heartbroken in the slightest, just a little humiliated and pissed off. This was all just a big façade I was presenting, and no one had even scratched the surface because I was that good at it.

In the serial dating phase which started at around the age of 17 and in my second year of college, is when I started thinking more about my ex-boyfriend’s words around me being cold towards him. I had claimed to love him, and I was cold towards him, so how was I going to love anyone else? I told myself maybe he wasn’t the right guy after all, and that I’d find that warm mushy feeling, but the more I dated the more I realised how hard it was for me to emotionally connect with guys. The physical aspect wasn’t so bad, because I could at least get a confidence kick out of it and it gave me something to tell my friends about, but the emotional side I was completely lacking. I enjoyed the early stages of dating, the nice restaurants, the compliments, and the uncertainty of where it was heading, but the minute someone became serious about me, I freaked out. I didn’t understand why I would withdraw so much when a guy I was dating laid his feelings on the line or why I would cringe when they sent me nice messages. It always just felt wrong, and like I was forcing myself to feel something unnatural.

“Maybe I’m just a cold person” I figured. But anyone who knows me would tell you that’s quite the opposite and having had authentic feelings for women later down the line, I can 100% confirm that I’m a certified soft simp when I’m in love.

While navigating the serial dating phase and my emotional intolerance to guys, I was also juggling final year A-Level exams, university applications and ever-developing feelings for my best friend. My jealousy now extended to not only her boyfriend, but her old best friend, who had suddenly cropped back into her life and in my eyes “was stealing her away from me”. They started doing a bunch of stuff together without me, and I resented the fact I was now competing with not one but two people, to be the most important person in her life. It was an unhealthy approach to have, but one that might have been different had I had more of a handle on my feelings and knew the reason I felt so strongly towards her. I did start to toy with the idea that I liked her as more than a friend, but I only ever let myself think it for a few fleeting moments, before shutting it down again. And if I did like her, she was the only girl I liked, because I definitely wasn’t bi or gay. I wasn’t a fan of Paramore, but ironically “The Only Exception” made its way into my top played songs that year.

The second season of Skins with the Naomi and Emily (Naomily) storyline had aired by now, and again I was drawn to it, but couldn’t fully establish (or admit) why. I was drawn to female/female relationships, I could at least admit that. I’d always loved certain friendships and dynamics in the girl band’s I’d liked, so what so wrong with me appreciating a WLW relationship? It didn’t mean that I was into women. That’s what I’d tell myself, but I still felt a secret shame in enjoying and being intrigued by those types of storylines.

At that point, Naomily was the only one I’d watched, and as much as I loved it they were a victim of what many WLW ships are victims of. Cheating. They had a happy ending in the end (at least at that point), but it tainted the positivity of their storyline. Them being the only ship I had watched all changed in around late 2010/early 2011. I was scrolling through Twitter and saw that the word “Faberry” was trending. I’d seen this word a few times before on my timeline and wondered what the hell it meant, so I googled it.

“What is Faberry?”

I’m surprised I didn’t see it was related to Glee and shut it off then and there, but on seeing it was a name for a relationship between two female characters on the show, my interest was piqued. I fell into a rabbit hole and started reading more about it, and quickly learned that they weren’t actually together on the show, but it could be building up to it. I also learned that there was another WLW ship on the show called Brittana, and their storyline actually had been picked up. I was intrigued and ended up YouTubing both ships, to see what all the fuss was about.

I first watched a compilation of Faberry clips, but it didn’t really resonate with me at all, these two were barely friends let alone anything more. Then I got to Brittana. It was a video summing up their whole story so far, and the backing track was an instrumental version of Unfaithful by Rihanna. At first it was kind of annoying, but as I got into the video, I enjoyed how the music really added to the drama of it all.

I watched their story unfold, how they started out as best friends sharing secret glances and touches, the revelation that they had been hooking up, right up to the scenes in 2x04 where Brittany started talking about feelings and Santana pushed her away, only to later get jealous when Brittany went off with a guy (Artie). The video ended around there because that’s where the storyline was up to, and I found myself hooked and wanting more. I needed to know what happened to them and if they were going to get together. I needed to know if Santana was going to admit the obvious feelings she was secretly harbouring for Brittany.

I re-watched the video a couple of times and was shocked at how much I related to it. With Naomily I was certainly drawn to it, but Brittana struck something different.

First of all, it had the best friend to lover’s trope, something I was highly interested in, probably because of the secret feelings I had for my own best friend.

Secondly, these two shattered every single stereotype I had in my head of what I was conditioned into thinking queer woman looked like. Naomily scratched the surface of this slightly, but I thought they were a rarity. It felt good to see girls so feminine liking other women. I wasn’t there yet with admitting I liked women myself, nowhere near, but subconsciously it must have been there because I felt a surge of representation from the minute I saw them on screen.

Thirdly, Santana Lopez. To say I was instantly captivated by her, was an understatement. I naturally just gravitated towards her, and I’d never felt so drawn to a fictional character. I sensed her vulnerability and almost wanted to reach into the screen and hug her and tell her that I knew how she felt. I could see in her what I was starting to recognise in me. She was a confused and somewhat insecure girl who put on a mask to show the world she was confident, she had status, she was important. I saw it in the way she used guys like I did, to feel better about herself. The scene after she sleeps with Finn really hit home for me, how she seems vulnerable and detached after something so intimate. It echoed my own emotional aversion to boys, but we could all see from her reactions in 2x04 that she was hopelessly in love with her best friend, again like me.

In hindsight, the two of us were big victims of compulsory heterosexuality, and even though she was a fictional character I had never related to someone as much as I did her in that moment. It was a little overwhelming, and I didn’t know where her storyline was going to take her, nor did I know where my own story would take me. But I decided in that moment, we’d find out, and go on that journey together.

Just like that, I was a Gleek. A Brittana poster quickly got added to my wall, to add to all the ones I had of my favourite girlband. I was dating a guy at the time, and he was around at my house and in my room, and as usual I was seated so far on the edge of the bed that if I moved, I would have been on the floor. He glanced around my room then looked back at me.

“Are you sure you’re into men?” he frowned.

That instantly got my back up and I went into defence mode.

“Obviously! What makes you say that?” (the fact you’re clinging on for dear life to the edge of the bed just so you don’t have to sit too close to him could be a reason but carry on...)

“It’s just your room is full of posters of girls...”

I didn’t even have a response, because it was true, but I felt my cheeks burn at the revelation. The next day I went into town and bought the largest poster I could find of a male celebrity, it ended up being someone from a British boyband. In my head, that one poster was going to make up for all the dozens of other posters I had of the numerous girls I fangirled over. The next time he was over I looked proudly at the poster.

“Do you like my new poster? I’m obsessed with him” I smiled smugly.

“Uh...yeah I guess” he responded; I mean what else was he going to say?

In my head I had successfully covered my tracks, so thank you Aston Merrygold from JLS for being my beard for a good few years.

I only started watching Glee for the Brittana storyline, but the more I watched, the more I actually enjoyed the show in its entirety. It wasn’t just “cheesy crap” after all, it had a good message behind it, and the music performances were insane. I still maintain to this day that the reason I’m as invested as I am in this show is because of Brittana (I also really love Quinn), but I still think it’s a great show that I probably would have succumbed to watching and enjoyed anyway, had that storyline not been a thing.

But that storyline was a thing, and I was in it, hook line and sinker. I had started watching in Season 2, that frustrating limbo of barely any Brittana, and watching Britt date Artie. I’d say I’m quite a patient person, and I sure as hell developed that skill from being a Brittana fan. I watched as Santana grew increasingly more erratic with the guys she was dating, and how she became desperate for a boyfriend as the storyline neared its peak, and again I saw so much of myself in her.

That peak came with episode 2x15, and it was an episode that changed my life. In the episode, it’s made clear that Brittany and Santana are still hooking up behind Artie’s back, and Brittany confronts Santana about what they’re doing and what it means for them. Santana is defensive and refuses to talk about her feelings at first. Later, she agrees to talk to her teacher Holly Holliday, with Brittany. What Holly said to them really struck a chord with me.

“It’s not about who you are attracted to ultimately, it’s about who you fall in love with”.

I could always appreciate an attractive guy, but I could never connect emotionally with them or imagine falling in love with them. By contrast I had all these feelings for my best friend. It was another lightbulb moment that really put things into perspective for me and got me to really think about things.

Holly also told them that they should use music to try and start a dialogue going, since talking about these feelings was proving really hard for them, Santana especially. From that, came Landslide, a song chosen by Santana to express how she felt.

Brittany’s reaction of pensively watching Santana expose herself through song, finally understanding how Santana felt after all that time hiding and denying it, was much like how I felt as a viewer watching it unfold. We got to see Santana’s walls come down little by little, from the minute she took a deep breath right before she started to sing, to the end where she is overcome with emotion and starts to cry.

“Time makes you bolder” is one of the key lyrics in the song, and it appeared that time was making Santana bolder, as we saw her come to terms with those feelings she’d been denying to herself for so long. It’s an iconic song that can be interpreted in many ways, but I always saw it as Santana building her life around the idea of her being straight and being afraid to let that persona slip but accepting that ultimately, time was passing her by, and she needed to be authentic with herself and with Brittany.

“I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I’ve built my life around you. But times makes you bolder, children get older and I’m getting older too”.

Santana finally let her walls down for long enough to let Brittany know how she truly felt, but it wasn’t long before they were back up again, right after Rachel pointed out the performance was laced with sapphic charm. But that didn’t matter, because Santana had made the first steps in admitting something to herself, and I was so inspired by her bravery. I cried the first time I watched it, and it still moves me to the tears to this day. It was a poignant moment for Santana, and it was a poignant moment for me too, because it was the first time I admitted to myself inside my head that I liked girls too. I told myself that maybe one day, I could be brave like Santana was.

Little did I know that the next scene would show Santana getting even braver, as she boldly admitted to Brittany that she was in love with her and wanted to be with her. My own heart beat watching her do that, and moments later when the rejection came, I felt every bit of her heartbreak. The way that Naya Rivera captured that emotion was astounding.

“He’s just a stupid boy!” Santana said to Brittany, when Brittany admitted that although she loved Santana too, she couldn’t be with her because she was with Artie.

I felt every.single.word.

As the storyline progressed, Santana really came into her own in terms of her self-acceptance. She admitted to herself that she was a lesbian, and when Brittany and Artie split up, she pulled yet another emotionally beautiful performance when she sang Songbird. This time she didn’t need Holly in the middle shielding them and doing most of the singing, and there was no audience, just Santana and Brittany.

“I feel that when I’m with you it’s alright, I know it’s right”.

The way she so confidently sang that line, again really resonated with me, because it made me feel like if my feelings for girls felt “right”, then it was okay to feel like that. Watching Brittany and Santana’s love story unfold really diminished some of that fear I felt, because how could watching something that brought me so much joy, be wrong or bad? Their love was too beautiful to be anything but a positive. At that time, I’d never experienced my own love story and the joy it could bring, all that stuff that made the fear of being “different” worth it. So instead, I lived vicariously through their happiness.

The storyline was realistic in that although Santana was heading towards acceptance, she wasn’t ready to be out to the world. She could be honest with her feelings internally and share that with Brittany now, but in school she was using a beard and portraying herself straight. It was very relatable, and it mirrored how I was feeling in that I’d started to accept things in my own head, but I’d never acted on those feelings or told anyone how I was feeling.

That all changed a short time later when I met someone who quite literally rocked my world. We were just friends at first, but we got very close very quickly, and there was an underlying chemistry between us from the start. By now I had started university but was still living at home because my uni was close by. She went to university in one of my favourite cities, London, and she had accommodation there. I found myself down there all the time, and even though at first, I said it was because I loved being in London, I knew there was more to it than that. Whenever I was back at home, even if it was just for a couple of days, I was moody and felt like my life was on hold until I was with her again. Spoiler alert, this relationship was actually really unhealthy and co-dependant, but we live, and we learn. Your first love is always going to be super intense, and this one definitely was. By now the crush on my high school best friend was all but forgotten, and we’d kind of drifted apart when we went to university and realised we didn’t have so much in common anymore.

My new friendship with this new girl really felt like it was building up to something, and 6 months into our friendship, we kissed for the first time. Shortly after that we hooked up for the first time after a night of drinking, and it felt so right, and was in stark contrast to the times I had been with men. Whenever I had hooked up with a guy, I always had this awful feeling afterwards, like I needed to get away fast. Even though it felt so right on the night, I definitely didn’t feel the same way the next morning. When we woke up, I panicked more than I’ve ever panicked before, and I was so relieved when she left for class. It wasn’t a compulsory class, and usually I would have convinced her to skip it, but I needed space from her in that moment. We both did.

When she was gone, I pulled out my phone and in true gay panic style, I googled:

“I just had sex with a girl, am I a lesbian?”

Note to self. Google can’t define your sexuality, only you can do that.

We didn’t acknowledge what had happened and things felt so awkward between us that we both made excuses to cut our trip short and I went home the next morning (I’m surprised I even hung around for the extra night). There was a noticeable tension between us, and we weren’t texting each other the way we usually would. I missed her friendship and feared I had ruined everything, and I felt desperately lonely, like I had no one I could have talked to about this. In hindsight, I have the most incredibly supportive people around me and I know I could have talked to any one of them, but the fact is I just wasn’t ready to. Instead, I turned to the one thing that I knew I could trust to ease out my confusion and give me hope in my newfound situation and pulled up YouTube to rewatch a bunch of Brittana scenes.

Eventually, the tension between us both dissipated. We already had a bunch of things pre-booked like concerts and a trip to Amsterdam with 2 of my friends, so we had to get past it. We just brushed it aside and acted like it never happened. I was disappointed because I had actually started to come to terms with it (something I largely put down to the hope that watching Brittana gave me). It less frightened me, more excited me, but it seemed like we were just staying friends and writing it off as a drunken mistake. That all changed a few weeks later when we ended up hooking up again. Still, we didn’t talk about it, but I respected that it was hard to talk about. Neither of us were at the point of acceptance, so I understood how scary it was to verbalise what had happened between us. Soon our hook ups became a regular thing, but still we never talked about it, it was like some unspoken secret between us. That started to get really hard for me because I was falling in love with her and not knowing what we were or talking about our feelings, while at the same time trying to make sense of it myself, was mind-numbingly confusing. Any time I tried, she would shut me down so fast, and got super defensive. I still didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, so again I would turn to Brittana.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been holed up in my bedroom with my laptop on, YouTubing the same scenes I’d seen time and time again with tears streaming down my face, hoping it would all turn out okay in the end. They felt like my only comfort and hope in a really confusing time in my life, and I clung to that storyline and watched it unravel, as if it would give me the answers to my own plight. So much of that storyline mirrored my own, best friends with benefits turned lovers, the denial element of it all and the fact they never talked about what they were doing but kept on as normal. I had always related to Santana, but for the first time I found myself relating to Brittany too. Like me, Brittany had to be patient with Santana, and when I re-watched the scene of her trying to get Santana to do a duet with her in 2x04, only for Santana to completely shut her down and snap at her, I completely related to the anguish she felt. Not only could I relate to Brittany in the situation I was in, but I also saw a lot of my friend in Santana, and it helped me remain patient and understand her more. I knew that like Santana, she was probably just struggling, so if she didn’t want to talk or label what we had it didn’t necessarily mean she didn’t like me. I had an inkling she did because whenever I showed an interest in anyone else (usually a guy because I was still conforming to comp het even though my actions with her said the opposite), she’d get jealous. I even found myself trying to make her jealous on purpose, which was hella fucked up, but it was the only way I could validate she liked me. Yet another weird instance of the Brittana storyline mirroring what I was going through, when Britt uses Artie to make Santana jealous and it becomes evident she does have feelings for her after all.

The Brittana storyline really was my shining light in those days, because by this point they were out and proud and in a happy relationship. It wasn’t the perfect storyline, it had way too many stereotypical scissoring references and they royally messed up Santana’s all important coming out episode, but it was a beacon of light for me in a time when I was finding my own situation hard. If they could get through what they had and end up happy, maybe one day, we could too.

Even though Santana’s coming out episode was handled poorly, the one stand out scene in that episode was watching Santana bravely come out to her Abuela. Once again, I felt every word as she described her feelings and the inner torment she’d been carrying in keeping this a secret, and Naya delivered that dialogue so powerfully. Naya became someone so important to me in those years, because through my obsession with Brittana, I developed an interest in Naya and Heather Morris who played Brittany, outside of the show. Heather was always a little more reserved, but Naya was very much in the public eye, and I made sure to catch up on everything she did. What I really adored about Naya, alongside her talent, her humour and just her all-round awesomeness, was her fierce advocacy towards the LGBTQ+ community. I still hadn’t talked about my feelings to anyone, and even though Naya was a celebrity and someone I didn’t know personally, I felt I had an ally in her. She was someone I could turn to and feel hope from, when I felt like I couldn’t turn to anybody else. Of course, I never physically turned to her, I didn’t write a letter to her or anything like that (though I wish I did), but she gave a lot of advice in interviews that I held dearly to my heart.

It doesn’t surprise me to hear stories from so many people who say she was the first person they came out to. It must have been strange for her to have total strangers relay something so personal, and she had every right to be weirded out, but instead what did she do? She sent fans signed photos of her in her underwear on Valentine’s Day. I remember with great fondness a story about a girl who met her in Manchester and told her how her storyline had impacted her and gave her the courage to accept herself as gay. Admitting that to Naya was the first time she had said it out loud, and Naya wiped her tears as she cried and commended her on her bravery. Hearing stories like that always melted my heart, and still do. Naya was a real one, and I owe so much of who I am today, to her.

I think one thing that all of us queer ladies who were invested in Brittana loved about Naya so much, was the fact she had actually pushed for that storyline. Initially the writers had intended for Brittana to hook up as a joke, but Naya was quick to realise how important that storyline was and pushed for it to be taken seriously. Representation for queer women was so few and far between at the time, and it’s a bold move for any actress just starting out to question directorial decisions, let alone when it’s 2010 and the TV show in question is “family-friendly”. It was a move that quite frankly could have cost Naya her career (at the time she wasn’t even a series regular), but even someone as professional and career driven as her, put the feelings of an entire generation of queer women above all else.

“It started off as this funny thing like ‘oh yeah, she just randomly hooks up with her friend Brittany’, but I kind of was encouraging them to make it more serious and not play around with it, because there are people out there that it’s not a joke to, it’s their real life”.

- Naya Rivera, Access Hollywood (2011)

In addition to that; Naya did so many more things for the LGBTQ+ community. She presented the GLAAD awards twice and worked with LGBTQ+ organisations like The Trevor Project. She never missed an opportunity to tell us all how loved and valid we were, and how much we meant to her, like the time she wrote a love letter to the community for Billboard. She knew how important Brittana was to so many of us, and she protected our hearts when asked about new love interests for Santana.

“The Brittana fans are pretty die-hard, so I wouldn’t want to upset them”.

- Naya Rivera, Proactiv (2011)

She was the captain of the Brittana ship and constantly fed us with photos and small spoilers on Twitter where she could. She was inundated with “marriage proposals” from love-struck queer girls in her meet and greets, and she graciously humoured and accepted every one of them. She also used to provide such amazing advice. I was enamoured by her interviews at Giffoni Festival in 2013, because she spoke such wisdom there as she answered questions from her fans. You could see from those videos alone the impact she had on other girls like me. When asked her advice for coming out, she said:

“More than anything, life is too short, so you really just have to be happy. Be yourself because who you are is amazing and beautiful, so just continue to do you”.

- Naya Rivera, Giffoni Film Festival 2013

She also talked about how she felt portraying this character and helping people come to terms with their sexuality was what she was put on this earth to do. She was hyper aware of the impact and importance her character and storyline had, and she did everything in her power to make us feel seen and validated.

Hearing Naya talk about being authentic to yourself made me feel bolder, and in early 2014 I told some of my friends about the FWB arrangement I had going on. It was scary to admit I was in love with a girl, but all my friends were incredibly supportive and sweet. It felt good to have people I could confide in about my confusing situation. We still didn’t talk about what we were doing or labelled ourselves, and it was really beginning to eat me up inside. Speaking of labels, I hadn’t quite come to terms with labelling myself either. Some people never label themselves, and that’s okay, but for me it was always a fear thing. I think by now I innately knew I was gay, but I couldn’t admit or except that. I’d go between saying I just had this one exception for this one girl (clearly ignoring my previous high school best friend crush), or sometimes if I was feeling extra brave I’d say, “Well I don’t really like labels, but I guess if I had to, I’d say I’m bisexual”, but I definitely wasn’t gay. I’m not sure why it was so hard for me to come to terms with being a lesbian, when I idolised a fictional character who was an out and proud lesbian, but I guess I just wasn’t there yet.

It felt good to be able to talk to my friends, because the beacon of light that was Brittana had been taken away. They broke up in Season 4 due to long distance, and I’ll never forget the feeling of having that representation and happiness ripped away. After everything they had been through, they were over. A few months before that, Skins had returned for a one-off special and killed Naomi off, so that completely ruined Naomily for me, and another ship I liked from a British TV soap (Sophie and Sian) had their storyline end with cheating and a breakup. Brittana were always different, and gave me hope for a happy ending, but when they broke up I began to feel like being gay meant I was headed for a life of pain and misery. Luckily the Glee writers rectified that, and they got back together a couple of months after I came out to my friends, I was elated. Best coming out present EVER!

A few months later I experienced one of the darker sides of sharing my secret; being outed. Even though I wasn’t as close to my high school best friend, we were still in touch, and I told her what was going on with the girl I’d been hooking up with. In all honesty, she kind of guessed it, but I swore her to secrecy. Clearly she didn’t keep to that promise, because at her 21st birthday party, her boyfriend approached me and said:

“Hey Mel, why don’t you just admit you’re a lesbian?”

My face burned instantly, and I’ll never forget the feeling of anxiety that rose in my chest. People around clearly heard because they started to stare and whisper, including my friend’s family members who I had known for years. I remember feeling so angry because her family knew before my family even did, and I just felt so humiliated, like I was suddenly talk of the party. I started to hyperventilate, and luckily one of my friends caught on and whipped me out of there fast. When we were both alone I started crying and told her everything, she was one of the friends I hadn’t yet told, but she was so supportive and I’ll never forget her actions on that awful night. When I told my other friends who hadn’t been there what had happened, they were pissed, but of course I knew that none of them could fully understand. I knew there was always one person I could relate to though, even if she was fictional, and that was of course Miss Santana Lopez. I had watched that scene of her being outed by Finn many times; but I never envisioned I’d have the same thing happen to me a few years later. But Santana coped with it, and I knew that ultimately, so would I.

It was almost scary how much the Brittana storyline mirrored my own, but I was so thankful that it did. I didn’t have the happy relationship part nailed down, but things had definitely progressed. Me and my friend were now less FWB more unofficial relationship. We didn’t see other people at this point, only each other, and I had ended up transferring to university in London to be closer to her, so we lived together and shared a bed together every night. It felt like a relationship, just one that we didn’t label. We were finally at a point where we acknowledged what we had, but one day I was alarmed when she said:

“I like what we do, but I could never be with a girl properly, like in a relationship”.

My heart sank when she said that because I felt like we were making progress. Then she’d confuse me again and go and say something completely contrasting and we’d talk about future baby names or joke about getting married one day. It was a head fuck to say the least, but those moments where we’d plan our dream wedding, made all the confusion worth it. Meanwhile in the Glee universe, Brittany and Santana really were getting married. It was the perfect happy ending to their story, they’d been through so much together, and we were finally seeing them come full circle and get married on screen. Season 6 was a Brittana fans dreams, and it filled me with so much hope to see them have that positive ending. It’s so rare to see, as I touched on earlier, so many on-screen WLW relationships feature cheating, betrayal, or death. Brittana never had any of that. Like any other couple, they had their struggles and their ups and downs, but they never betrayed one another. Their ending showed that love really did conquer all <3.

Going back to my own “relationship”, we were at a point where we lived in each other’s pocket, but university was coming to an end and that was scary for us because we didn’t know where life was going to take us. Much like in Glee, where Santana finds out Brittany won’t be graduating as planned when she does, and she’s scared about where that will leave them. To buy us some more time, we ended up applying to a programme that would allow us to live and work in America over Summer. We chose to go to California, my favourite place in the world, and I was so excited about going on this adventure together. I even dared to think we could be authentically us over there, without worrying about people from our “real life” finding out about us. It could have been a great new chapter for us in our story, but what happened was the opposite, when we found out that she didn’t get a place on the programme. I was successful, but she wasn’t, and instead they offered her a place on a programme at the other side of the country in Florida. I had never considered doing this without her, and I couldn’t even fathom the idea of spending 4 months away from her. In hindsight, we were completely unhealthy and co-dependant on each other, and that time apart from each other would be the best thing we ever did. At the time though, I was crushed. We even plotted that I would drop out of my programme and ask to switch to the Florida one, but our parents got suspicious that I’d miss out on such an opportunity, so we decided to go ahead as planned. Friends wouldn’t ordinarily be this attached to one another, and we didn’t want anyone figuring out we were more than just friends. I just hoped the distance would make us stronger and wouldn’t push us apart, but when I said goodbye to her in the airport the day I was leaving, I had this strong gut feeling that this was the end of the road for us and I wouldn’t see her for a very long time. We promised nothing would change between us, but in the end, I was right to trust my gut.

Much like Brittana, distance did in fact push us apart, but the details weren’t all the same. Santana broke up with Brittany because she was worried about the impacts of distance, even though they both knew they’d never betray one another. In my own story, I definitely felt betrayed. Even though we sure as hell acted like we were in a relationship, this girl and I hadn’t put a label on it, so maybe I had no right to feel hurt or betrayed, but you can’t help the way you feel. A month into her programme she met a girl and started hooking up with her, making sure to tell me all about it. I was at work when I read the message and I’d never felt a physical pain in my heart like it, and I actually had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I’d sworn blind I had my first heartbreak when I was 16, but if only I knew then what real heartbreak felt like, because now I for sure knew. At first I thought that maybe it was another jealousy game because I didn’t get why she was so hell bent on telling me all the details, but soon after she announced they were in an official relationship and that was the part that really hurt. I felt like there must have been something wrong with me, that despite everything we’d been through she couldn’t officially commit to me, but after 5 minutes with another girl she had a girlfriend. What about all those times she’d told me she could never properly be with a girl? What about all those wedding plans and baby names too? In hindsight, and having now spoken about everything honestly, I kind of get it. Admitting she was gay and committing herself to a relationship with me was scary for her because I was part of her everyday life. In America she was in a bubble, around people who didn’t really know her, and she felt more like she could be herself for the first time. A lot of her friends out there were out and proud lesbians, and they instilled a new confidence in her. It hurt so bad at the time, but now I’m glad that she had that experience because it allowed her to finally shut down her defences and be authentically her. What I’d gotten years ago with Brittana, she’d never really had until that moment, and now she’s an openly gay woman in a happy relationship. We’re actually really good friends now, and it felt good to close that chapter properly and talk about everything openly and honestly, but it took us 3 years to get there. As soon as she got a girlfriend, we naturally drifted apart and didn’t see each other for 3 years. What felt like the worst thing in the world at the time, actually ended up being the best thing for us, because we both needed to get out of the toxic situation we were in and truly find ourselves.

Although I was heartbroken, what helped me is the fact I was living on a sunny California island at the time. My days were often too busy for me to dwell over things, and I had a bunch of new friends who were all so supportive and coaxed me through it. Even though it was a hard time, I actually had the best summer of my life on that island and travelling around America for a month after. Before I set off on my travels, in my last few days on the island, I found out Naya was doing a book signing in LA. LA was only an hour by boat, and I went there all the time, and of course I was dying to meet her. The issue was that I couldn’t get the time off work since it was my last few days, so I didn’t end up making it. I was gutted because I felt like meeting Naya at that time would have been so cathartic, and I really wanted to tell her in person how much she meant to me. I figured though that the timing wasn’t right, there was nothing I could do, and I’d meet her another time. Of course, I never did get to meet Naya, and to this day it haunts me that I didn’t push more for time off and go to that signing. I never got the chance to properly tell her what she meant to me, but I can only hope she somehow knows, from wherever she is in heaven.

After the breakup, if you could even call it that since we weren’t “official”, I swore myself off girls. I wasn’t in the head space to date anyone anyway, but I made sure to let everyone know that I was done with girls, and that my next relationship would be with a guy. It’s almost like that relationship made me back track in my sexuality. I was so hurt by it all that I tried to avoid the fact I was gay, because loving girls meant pain. Obviously, I was being irrational, you can’t choose your sexuality and who you fall in love with, and I learned that all too well when I ended up falling for my straight best friend.

The best friend in question wasn’t someone I had known a long time, but we shared a room in America together and got close so quickly. We also travelled America together after, and decided whilst there that when we got home, we’d both save up and move to Australia together for the year. Travelling with someone really does intensify a bond, and she had been such a great support to me over my heartbreak, so I connected with her really quickly. I can’t pinpoint when I started to get feelings for her, but I know that when we got to Australia whatever I was feeling multiplied by 1000. By this point we had known each other a little over a year, but we were all each other had over there, and spent every day together in such close proximity.

By December time, having spent every day with her for the past 4 months, my hidden feelings for her were suffocating me. It didn’t help matters that we were still apartment hunting, so the two of us would often have to share a bed in a tiny box room in a hostel. I think my feelings for her were starting to become evident, and I felt like I couldn’t keep it in any longer, so one day when we were sunbathing in a park, I told her. It was so hard to verbalise my feelings, but I channelled my inner Santana Lopez and I did it, and I’d never felt so bold. It felt like a weight off, but minutes later all that came crashing down when she rejected me. It wasn’t like it was out of the blue, she was straight after all, but at least when she didn’t know I could naively convince myself that maybe there’d be a tiny chance for us. Now I knew otherwise. I’d never felt rejection like that, especially after laying my feelings out so bare, and it made me think about was the scene where Brittany rejects Santana for Artie. My friend was so awesome though and let me down in the gentlest way. She comforted me and told me it was going to be okay and promised that nothing would have to change between us. She said all the right things, but all I could panic about is the fact I’d been so vulnerable like that, and then gotten rejected. So, I did what I did best and put my defensive shell back up.

“Ha, I was just joking you know!? I don’t really have feelings for you”.

After she had been so kind to me, I’d thrown it all back in her face and made her feel stupid. It was painstakingly obvious I hadn’t been joking, but my reaction upset her, and rightly so. She said she was going to go for a walk and give us both some space, so I watched her go and then headed back to the hostel on my own. I picked up a mammoth cup of Fanta en route, because I felt lightheaded and drained, and I knew I needed sugar. When I got back, I collapsed on my bunk (thankfully we were in a hostel that had separate beds this time) and just cried. I felt like my heart had been ripped out twice in the space of 15 months. I decided I hated being gay and I hated liking girls, because all it brought to me was pain. I hadn’t got to experience the happy side of it that made it all worth it, so what was the point? Why couldn’t I just be “normal”? I convinced myself I’d never be happy, and that day really felt like rock bottom in terms of my sexuality struggles.

But of course, from rock bottom, you can only go up. I apologised to my best friend for being so defensive as soon as she got back, and she accepted my apology and stayed by my side and helped me move forward, even though she was a part of the situation. We really didn’t have much choice because at the time, we were all each other had over there, but she stuck to her promise of saying nothing would change between us. Nothing did change, and we’re still best friends to this day. I thought on that day lying on the bunk bed that I’d never get over her, but of course as with all things, I did.

She helped me realise that I really needed to invest in myself and take time away from dating to work on me. I hadn’t even fully processed what had happened with the previous girl, now I had another heartbreak to add to my tally, and everything had just got on top of me. All that hurt did push me back in terms of accepting my sexuality, because I was still associating being gay with pain and heartbreak. Of course, this was completely irrational, because everyone experiences heartbreak, no matter what your sexuality. I think what makes it harder for queer people though, is that being queer can be hard enough as it is, and without the happiness that goes with it, it almost doesn’t seem “worth it”. Obviously, I was missing the number one important message, that you can’t choose your sexuality, but I just wanted to experience the good side of being gay. So far, I felt like I’d only seen the bad. But maybe that’s because at that point, I wasn’t truly being authentic to myself. In the low moments, I would of course turn back to Brittana. My own love story seemed tragic, but their’s wasn’t, and it still gave me hope that one day that could be me and that I’d have my own happy ending. That storyline helped me to see all the good parts that could come from accepting yourself, since I hadn’t got to experience them yet myself. My friend also tried to help me come to terms with who I was, and one day after one of our many deep conversations she said:

“I think you need to accept that you’re gay, and that’s okay, we all still love you the same”.

Naturally my defences went right up and I told her she couldn’t label my sexuality like that, because it wasn’t her place to. That’s still true, but I know now she was just trying to help me, and I commend her for being bold enough to do that, whilst inevitably pre-empting my defensive reaction. Coming out and labelling yourself should always be your own, but sometimes I think you need someone who cares about you to point out the truth so you can see it for yourself. She just wanted me to be happy and accept myself, and it was hurting her to see me hurting myself over it, when I could have just stopped it all by being true to myself. That’s why I resonate so much with the scenes in Glee, where Brittany is trying so hard to get Santana to love and accept herself, by giving her the Lebanese shirt etc. She didn’t want Santana to out herself to the world, she just wanted her to make the first steps in accepting herself, because that’s the most important part of the process. There’s a fine line between pushing someone and helping them, but in my eyes, Brittany just wanted Santana to stop hurting herself by denying who she was and keeping things locked inside. That’s all my friend wanted for me too.

I did learn from that, and I began to deconstruct the belief system that I couldn’t ever date girls again, but I still stayed off dating for over a year so that I could work on me. I learned how to become more self-aware and intuitive with myself. I enjoyed the rest of my time in Australia and when the year was out, I moved back to my home city and got such a zest for life again. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was just living life without any complications, and my time was spent with friends, going to concerts and generally just being happy. 2019 was a good one.

At the very end of that year, I decided I was ready to dip my toe in the dating pool again, and I signed up to Tinder. I decided I would match with both boys and girls. For whatever reason, I was still clinging on to the fact that I liked men, but at least I was accepting I did like women too. It felt like progress. I spent 2020 dating both genders (as much as you could date in the pandemic, much of it was virtual), and I figured whoever was right for me would be right for me. I wasn’t going to force it with anyone, I’d just let fate play a hand. I went on dates with a couple of girls, and though nothing came of it long term, I enjoyed their company. By contrast, the more I dated guys, the more I became blissfully aware of that emotional disconnect I had always felt with them. At the beginning of July, I got talking to a guy who seemed really sweet. I always set a list of expectations that were impossible to meet when dating guys, so that I could kid myself that if it didn’t work out, it was because he didn’t tick every box.

“I’m just super fussy!” I’d tell my friends, when yet another guy I was dating fell through.

This new guy I was talking to really did “tick every box” though. He seemed kind, caring, easy on the eye and we both had similar interests. I made a bargain to myself that if this one didn’t work out and I couldn’t grow any feelings for him, I should probably accept that I just don’t like men. It was scary to say that, but the seed was firmly planted. In reality, it was an irrational bargain, he could “tick every box” on paper but maybe when we met we just didn’t have that spark. But I think it was a way of daring myself to cut the crap and own my bullshit, because I knew I didn’t really like men deep down.

We planned a date, and the last chance saloon was penned in for Saturday 11th July. As I did with all the guys I was dating, I told all my friends I was going on a date, and I tried real hard to get excited about him. It’s insane to me to think that this time last year, I was still living a lie, but compulsory heterosexuality is a very real thing. A year on from that point, I’m living authentically for the first time in my life, and I’m THE happiest I’ve ever been. For that, I have to thank one person who has touched my life so deeply and been there throughout this whole process.

Naya.

My date and I had been texting throughout the week in preparation for Saturday, but on the morning of Thursday 9th July I got a call that turned everything upside down. When my friend called me to ask if I had heard about Naya, I thought she was going to say something really trivial since Naya was in the headlines quite a lot. At this point in my life Brittana was something I revisited when I needed comfort, and I kept up with what Heather and Naya were doing on social media and always watched whatever show Naya was in, but they weren’t at the forefront of my life as much as they had been in the Glee years. Back then I had been part of the fandom on Tumblr and talked about them every day, but now they were just nicely in the background. When my friend told me, what had happened with Naya and that she was missing, I think I went into shock. I couldn’t speak or process the news, and when I opened Twitter I saw it was trending everywhere which confirmed it was indeed true. Because of the time difference with the UK and the US, the news had broken in the early hours of the morning, so my friend calling me to wake me up was the first I’d heard of it.

I’m not going to go into too much depth about my feelings during that time, because it’s just too hard. What happened on that tragic day doesn’t define Naya, and I choose instead to speak about everything amazing she achieved and did, and the legacy that she continued to leave to this day. What I will say is that those days before she was found were an absolute blur of emotion, and I found myself reliving everything I had ever learned from her over the past 10 years. I’m not religious, but I prayed for a miracle, and I prayed for her loved ones and her baby boy. True to my usual fashion, I was in denial about everything, and refused to believe she could be gone. Like my sexuality, I ignored what I knew to be true in the darkest pit of my stomach and got defensive when anyone suggested otherwise. My friends knew how much she meant to me, and I think a couple of them tried to prepare me, but I was adamant she’d turn up okay and it was all some big mistake. I was even clinging to stuff from random Instagram psychics because anything seemed better than the alternative.

While my friends knew what I was going through, my family didn’t know the full extent, because I could never tell them fully about the impact, she had on me because I’d never told them about my sexuality. Even though I could talk to my friends, I knew they didn’t really get it, and I wasn’t in contact with any of my old Tumblr friends anymore. Because of this, I felt like I had to hold a lot of what I was really feeling inside, and as a result I found myself mentioning it like word vomit. Every zoom catch up I had with a different friend, I’d bring it up, just so I could talk about her. I’d hope they’d fill me with positivity, that she could still be found safe. Everyone had the same reaction, that of course it was a really sad situation, but of course no one really knew or understood how much Naya had impacted me in some of the most important years of my life.

The last thing I wanted to do in this time was go on a date, and I tried to cancel, but he made me feel guilty by saying he had paid for everything and put deposits down on several tables. This was all during COVID, and bars had just reopened up for the summer, meaning you had to reserve and pay for tables everywhere, so begrudgingly I went along. Once again, the word vomit came up, and a few glasses of champagne in I started talking about Naya and asking him what he thought had happened and if he thought she’d be okay. It’s almost like I was desperate for reassurance from random people. As I expected, he was a lovely guy, but I knew there and then there could never be anything between us. Naya going missing really made me re-evaluate everything relating to my sexuality. It was almost like an out of body experience, watching a film of my own life, but this time actually being honest about it.

When they found Naya two days later, nothing could prepare me for the intense wave of sadness I felt. I couldn’t, and still can’t believe, that someone as talented, vibrant, and amazing as her was gone. Again, I really can’t go into much detail because I still find it hard to talk about, but I will say that I think about her every day, and I miss her so, so dearly. I never got when people cried over a celebrity death, and how they could be so upset over someone they never knew. Now I fully know; and it hurts. But I think it’s inevitable to feel this way when someone makes such a big change in your life. In 2010, when I was a scared and confused 17-year-old girl, Naya Rivera stamped on my heart by validating me and making me feel it was okay to be me, and she left those footprints forever, and she took a piece of my heart with her on the day she went.

The day after she was found, I was listening to her music, and thinking over everything the way I had in the days she was still missing. The Brittana storyline, her advocacy, the Giffoni interview quote which had brought me so much comfort. Everything I have mentioned in this blog was just playing over and over in my head. Landslide came on and the tears really began to fall, and I just stared out the window and allowed myself to cry and think about how I felt the first time I watched that performance.

I thought to myself:

“Wow. You watched this performance 10 years ago to help you with your sexuality, and yet you are still lying to yourself”.

The lyrics and the message behind it all ran around and around in my head the way they had done 10 years before.

“Time makes you bolder, children get older, and I’m getting older too”.

The lyrics were right, I was getting older, and yet I still wasn’t living life the way I should be, and I was denying myself love and happiness. If anything, the past few days had told me that life really was too short.

It appears that time really does make you bolder, because in that moment, it was as if something just clicked. I decided then and there that I was going to stop lying to myself. I was a lesbian, and that was okay. I didn’t feel the panicked feeling I’d had all the years prior when I said that to myself, just an enormous sense of peace, and just as I said it a white butterfly flew past. Landslide was still blaring out my AirPods, and I felt a wave of emotion, because I almost felt like that was some sort of symbolism from Naya. It might sound ridiculous to most, but I always associated butterflies with her (her butterfly quote always resonated with me, and she always said butterflies were her spirit animal), and that butterfly flying past came at just the right time. I recently got a butterfly tattoo on my ankle to commemorate her, and every time I look at it, I think of her.

That day is just an example of how Naya’s legacy truly does live on. I firmly believe that she and Santana will be helping future generations of queer women come to terms with their identities in years to come.

From that moment, there was no going back, and I had fully internally accepted my sexuality as a lesbian. I’d tiptoed back and forth with it for years, but I suddenly had a newfound confidence in myself, and a content feeling. I don’t think I realised how exhausting it was to hide like that and put on such a front. Since I had never come out to my family in any stretch, that was a whole other ball game, and something I was terrified to do. I don’t believe in coming out. Straight people don’t have to, so why should queer people have to? For some people they want to come out, and I completely understand that, but I don’t think it should be an expected thing. It’s such a lot of pressure to sit down and talk about your feelings like that, especially when your family aren’t really geared that way to sit down and talk like that. I love my family, but we just don’t really do deep chats like that.

I began re-watching Glee from start to finish to feel closer to Naya. It was something I hadn’t done in ages because I usually stuck to just Brittana scenes, but it gave me comfort and light in a hard time. I once again became enamoured by Santana’s boldness and ability to be herself when she came out. She went from being defensive and in denial, to a proud confident lesbian who absolutely owned her sexuality. I wanted to be like her one day, and to fully be out, I just didn’t know how I was going to get there.

I recently found a text from last July, where I told a friend I wished I could own my sexuality like Santana did. She told me that I would get there, and little did I know, she was right. The more I revisited Santana’s storyline, the more I became inspired to be like her and be so proudly me. Anyone who didn’t like it, could gtfo out my life.

I ended 2020 by exploring my sexuality authentically for the first time and changing my dating preferences to just girls on any dating app I was on, I became fully hooked on Brittana again and joined Glee Reddit which brought some amazing new friends (Lemo, I love you bb), and I reminisced on beautiful Naya with people who actually got it.

In 2010, Brittana helped me in my confusion for liking girls.

In 2020, Brittana helped me again, but this time, to fully accept my sexuality and live my truth.

Not just Brittana, but Naya and Heather too. I think, or at least I hope, that I would have come out and accepted myself eventually. But who knows where I would be right now, if it wasn’t for deciding that day in July last year off the back of revisiting that storyline, to let myself be me? Who knows how lonely my teenage years would have been if hadn’t been for that representation from them? I can say for certain; my process would have been a lot more terrifying without them. I may have taken the long road, but I got there in the end, and now I fully wear my heart on my sleeve with pride, and love who I wanna love fearlessly and shamelessly. Next month I plan on getting a heart tattoo on my wrist in Naya’s handwriting, because she really did teach me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

In January this year, I finally found the courage to come out to my family. At first, my dad was a little shocked by it, but now he’s come around and my mum and sister were fully supportive from the offset. I’m hyper aware of how lucky I am to have had that experience, and I will never not be grateful for that. I also did a re-watch of Glee with my mum and sister, which brought us a lot closer in terms of them understanding me, since I didn’t let them into that side of me growing up.

I think the learn from this is that representation is so, so important. I put so much of who I am today down to Santana Lopez and Brittany S.Pierce. For so long my path seemed uncertain, but now I’m finally being true to myself, I’m confident that I’ll get the fairytale ending that they had. I truly hope that representation in this manner never stops. Even as the world becomes more accepting, I hope they never stop showing the struggle on TV and Film, because somewhere out there is always going to need it. Someone might need their own representation the way I needed Brittana, and when they find it, it might just change their lives.

I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in every aspect of life, and I really wanted to celebrate that with this post, since this is the first pride month, I’m being authentically me and not just “an ally who occasionally hooks up with girls”.

If there’s a small chance that anyone is out there reading this who’s confused or scared about their sexuality, who thinks they’ll never find their happiness, take it from me that you will! Your process will unfold how it’s meant to, and it will all be okay in the end.

I’ve touched on the importance of Naya, Heather and Brittana in my process, but I also have to mention those closest to me. For my friends, thank you <3 your constant unwavering support through this journey has been amazing to me. For my family, thank you for accepting and loving me.

And for all my fellow queers out there:

KEEP FUCKING LOVING!

xo melissa

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everyhowlmarksthedead · 4 years

Text

“SHOULD I TRY?”

GILLY LOPEZ X READER

@chibsytelford asked: Reader sees Gilly, Coco, EZ, and Angel in a bar and they all have been eyeing her up, Coco, EZ and Angel all try their luck with her but she is only interested in Gilly. He finally gets enough confidence to ask her out on a date 😊

Serie Index. Chapter 1.

Word count: 2115

Author comments: I hope you all enjoy. English isn’t my first language, I’m sorry if I have some mistakes with grammar. At first, it's gonna be one-shot but I truly like this idea, so I'm gonna write three chapters. Who knows? Maybe more.

You can't remember when was the last time you went out with your friends aka work-mates. But it's friday and have some beers and dance it's better than stay at home with Netflix on and eating cold pizza. So, here you're in front of the mirror. Black shorts high-waist and a body of the same color. Your hair is a goal to anyone this night, falling on your back like a brave waterfall. You also decided to wear those pair of Nike classic shoes, because night is young and you're not a high-heels fan. Make up on point, something soft and natural. You can't be more proud. And of course, a good outfit needs a leather jacket. Belongs to your mother, he gave you at your sixteen' before you found it in an old box, with some 80's stuff. Vintage as fuck.

You meet your friends at “Freakin' out”, a bar where you can listen and dance all kind of music; pop, latin, rock... Lots of cultures at the same local. It's one of your favourites places of Santo Padre, people there is kind and fun, the only things you need after a looooong week working without a break. “Hey, (Y/N)!”, you know Debbie is already drunk when she starts to shake a hand on air with a lot of energy and a happy smile in her lips. Oh, for god's sake. You also know that probably you'll have to bring her home, 'cause she'll not remember her own name at the end of the night.

“What's up, guys?”, you said, giving a hug to everyone at your table. You take a sit by Alex's side, your best friend. You met him four years ago at the supermarket. A random day talking about tomatoes and carrots, 'cause you love cook and those ones are your worst enemies in a sauce. That was pretty fun and you two always remember that fact when you're drunk. “What are you drinking, hm...?”, you ask looking every drink on the table with curiosity.

“Tequila!”, Debbie is on point, everybody start to laugh loudly. You shake your head before getting up to your way to the bartender. You wait with your arms supported on the bar, having a look around you. People dancing, drinking, talking about all and nothing, having a good time. And then, before you put your eyes again in the bartender, you can see a specific table. Leather jackets, tattoos, shitty faces, empty beers and rings decorating their fingers. Bikers. The Mayans ones. You know them, not personally, but who the hell didn't heard before about them in Santo Padre. They make the rules.

“Oh, god, please not tonight...” you whisper to yourself when one of the Mayans gets up and walk to your position. Supporting his worked body against the bar, he looks to you from top to down. You try to ignore him, making him believe you didn't notice his presence.

“Yo', I'm Angel, but I can be whoever you want me to be”, he offers you a hand waiting to be shake. A funny smile in his lips and you asking in silence to yourself if this works with other girls. It's not gonna work with you. You're not into bad boys.

“Great, congratulations”, you answer turning your no-friends face at him. He knows. You're not that easy.

“Hey, I'm tryin' to be friendly, what's wrong with ya'?”, he asks pretending to be offended, before he starts to laugh at you.

“I have a lot of friends, thanks”.

“Do ya' know who I am?”

“Yes, I buy at your father's carnicería”, you look at him, ignoring the fact that he's a Mayan and he wants to let you know.

At that moment, he already knows he's not gonna impress you with his Harley. So, he nods in silence and comes back to his table. You can see how his crew palm his back with peals of laughters for the lost battle. Another fallen soldier. A minutes later you come back to your table too, holding a beer between your fingers.

“Only you could say ‘no’ to a Mayan... Sweet Jesus, (Y/N), you're fucking crazy”, James shakes his head. You shrug having a sip of your drink.

“Well, I actually said ‘no’ to /this/ Mayan”. Of course you've been looking at them all, and you have your interest put in one specifically. But you have the suspicion that he's not gonna ask you out.

The night go on. You dance with your girls for long minutes and good latin songs. You're hips moves so easily that seems like you've been dancing all day long. Of course, alcohol has a lot to do on it. Also you're fucking happy you decided to put your Nikes shoes, when you're friends start to complaining about the pain they feel on their feet.

Without wanting, you collide with someone at your back. You turn at him putting your hands on his chest, with a loudly laugh in your throat. “Oh, god, I'm so sorry. You ok?”, you ask, before you know another Mayan is in your way. The younger one, maybe the one they call ‘prospect’. He nods smiling with a sweet gesture. EZ Reyes. You knew him at his father's shop two months ago.

“Are you having fun? Sorry 'bout my brother's shit”, he says pointing at him with a finger, just for a moment.

“Yeah, it's been a long time since I hanged out with my friends. And... don't worry about him. I can imagine how is him”.

“Really? Please, tell me”.

“He's not you. But you already know it, smart boy”.

“So, this fact lets me share a drink with you, ah?”

“Nice try, prospect”, you palm his chest with a hand, shaking your head before leaving him in the middle of the dance floor.

You come back to your own crew, they're looking at you with a incredulous gesture. Your mates think you're terrible and probably you're gonna die alone with this attitude. For the next five minutes, James and Shawn argues with you about you should accept a drink of one of them. You roll your eyes getting up and looking for a cigar in the inside-pocket of your jacket. You need some air after four beers and the loudly voices of your friends pushing you into the Mayans. It's not what you need and you start to think maybe Netflix and cold pizza was a good plan too.

You leave your back against the wall, with a leg flexed. Smoke goes out by your nose. Fresh air always help with this kind of situations, you can't stop thinking about the idea that you're almost on your twenty seven and you only had one boyfriend. The most asshole of all. You broke up with him last year and he continues calling you to tell you your a fucking shit, before starts to cry and telling you how much he miss you. He also went to your work a couple times with flowers. You hate flowers. You hate him. You have a horrible taste to choose men, so you prefer to be alone. But, that doesn't mean you don't wanna hang out with the Mayan your eyes are on.

“Bonita, have one?”

“Sorry, what?”, you turn to the man at your left. More tattoos than man, actually. He's looking the cigar between your fingers. In silence you give him the packet, so he can pick wichever he wants.

“You smashed Angel's ego, gurl'”, he says to you, adopting the same position by your side.

“I can do it the same with yours. Look, I go to war everyday, you're not gonna intimidate me”.

“Oh, really? I was sniper”, his proud smile points at you, turning his face to look at you a little better. Probably he thinks ‘between soldiers’ could be easier to share some drinks. Poor deluded.

“I work at a preschool”.

“Shit, gurrrrl”, he laughs having a puff away. “I'm Coco”.

“(Y/N)”, you say then. “Are you all try to ask me for a drink, or a date, or something like?”

“Eres muy bonita, we had to try”, he nods.

“Yeah, for sure. . . Is the only thing you matter about? I mean, I'm more than an ass and tits”, you throw the cigar to the floor when it finished, with a sigh in your lips.

“Hey, Coco! We're leaving!”, EZ voice makes appereance, few meters away. The crew have their helmet in their hands, near of the motorbikes they drive. Probably you're never gonna see them again, and you start to feel bad about the fact that the one he likes you didn't propose nothing. The man by your side shake his head one time saying goodbye, walking to his mates. Another sigh comes out. You start to move your legs with resignation, feeling a little like the Mayans you fucked up. Maybe he's not for you in anyway. Maybe there's no men for you, in the way you want. Find someone who shares similitudes with you it's hard. You're not complicated to understand or to treat, but looks like in Santo Padre is only bad boys or asshole or both.

“Go, try it, don't be stupid”.

“You don't have nothing to lose”.

“C'mon, Gilly”.

You can't avoid to hear the guys talking to the fourth one, pushing him away of his own bike. You try not to smile 'cause it's pretty fun how they think you're gonna say ‘no’ to him too. They're wrong. Very wrong. Secretly you've been watching him from your table, from the bar, from the dance floor, trying to get his attention. Yeah, he looks exactly like Angel, EZ and Coco. But he also looks like a good guy. You heard before some jokes he made and you have to tell that he's pretty fun.

“Fuck, Gilly. Go ask her”, EZ push him into your way, making you stop your steps.

“Oh, hey...”, he says with a hand on the nape of the neck. He looks nervous, maybe he's gonna sweat in a moment. Is trying not to look at you from top to down, keeping his eyes on yours. You cross your arms on your chest, with both eyebrows up waiting for another word. But he doesn't say anything, staring at you in silence.

You snort rolling your eyes. It's not your night, it's not your week. You turn around your feet, taking the door to pull it and go back to your table, maybe you'll finish your beer and go home.

“Wait, wait!” You hear his voice again, a big hand pushing the door to not be open. “I was... asking myself... if you...”

“Yeah?”

“Ifyouwouldliketohaveadatewithme?”

“Fockin' Gilly”, Coco talks sitting on his bike.

You look at him for a moment, before giving all your attention to the shy big guy in front of you.

“A date. You and me. You know... A date”, he repeats, more or less the same question.

“I thought you would never ask”.

“So... you want?”

You give him your phone, just to make it more interesting with the “I'll call you” shit men usually do. You're one step ahead as your three older brothers teached you. With a smile, he takes it typing his number.

“I'm Gilly”.

“Yeah, I heard it because your sniper friend”, you finally say. “My friends are more pretty than me”.

“You've been talking about maths and children with the guys”, he says then, pointing the fact that he's not like Coco, EZ and Angel. You can't avoid to smile, getting down your eyes at your shoes. You leave a lock of hair behind your ear.

“I'll call you”.

“I hope so”.

#gilly lopez x reader #gilly lopez #mayans mc #mayans mc x reader #mayans x reader #mayans mc imagine #angel reyes #coco cruz #ez reyes

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crackedoutgiraffe · 4 years

Text

To the Moon and Back

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

A/N: Part 5

“Hey, hey calm down,” Spencer cooed.

“How am I supposed to calm down, Reid,” you snapped. You saw Hotch walking over to the two of you.

“Y/N, what happened?” Hotch asked with the same stoic face he always had.

“When we were at the principal's house he called her a-,” Reid looked around and lowered his voice so no one around could hear, “a fucking slut.”

“And now he slapped my ass,” you added. Hotch looked at Reid as if to tell him to scram, but Reid just looked at him pleading to let him stay.

“Reid,” Hotch firmly said. Reid nodded and left to go examine the crime scene with JJ and Prentiss.

“Hotch, I feel so belittled,” you admitted, nothing like that has ever happened to you before. You had been catcalled, but never groped.

“I’m going to go and talk to him and his supervisor,” He replied, hoping to make things better. “Do you want anyone to come and sit with you?”

“Can I just go back to the hotel?”

“Sure, I'll see you tomorrow morning,” He said remorsefully. You turned to walk away and head back the way you came, “And Y/N, you’re doing just fine here, there is no need to worry.” you flashed him a smile and continued on your way.

It felt nice to have received that praise, especially from your supervisor. As you exited the school, you felt the cool summer breeze flow through you. It ran through your hair and your clothes, it ran along your skin and made you shiver. It was nights like these that made you wish you were in high school again. Not having a single care in the world, driving through the night with your best friends, and blasting Stacy’s Mom through the speakers of your 2001 Toyota corolla.

The sky was clear and you could see all the stars. It reminded you of when you and your dad would sit on the bed of his truck and watch the stars. He always told you that if you were ever lost or confused, you could look up at the stars and they would tell you exactly where you were meant to be. The stars were the only thing keeping you connected to your father while you were traveling since you couldn’t visit his grave. His spirit was always in the stars though. The drive back to the hotel was boring, but you had connected your phone to the Bluetooth so you played Stacy’s Mom and opened the window. You got to your hotel room, took off your clothes and took a second shower making sure to scrub really well to get the filth of that detective out of your head. You got out of the shower and got dressed into your pajamas, turned the light off, and turned the TV on. It was so late you could watch the George Lopez show on Nickelodeon. You were half asleep when you heard a knock on your door. You dragged yourself out of bed and looked through the peephole, to see Dr. Spencer Reid standing at your door. You groaned at the thought of having anyone see you in this state, let alone Spencer.

You opened the door and headed back to your bed, “Come on in, Dr. Reid.”

“Sorry di- did I wake you up?” He asked, partly trembling.

“No, I’ve been up for a while,” you yawned while muting the TV.

“Oh, I just wanted to come and check in on you.”

“I’m fine, Reid, really.”

He just stood there looking at you like you were some helpless victim, “Can you not look at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some sort of victim,” you sighed.

“I’m sorry, I’ll stop,” he looked at the ground with remorse.

“Thank you,” you cuddled into your pillow and started to drift off to sleep. You didn’t want to fall asleep but you couldn’t help it.

Spencer’s POV

“Thank you,” she yawned. She cuddled into her pillow and it seemed like she was starting to fall asleep, I went to go sit in the chair in the corner. There was a blanket on the back of the chair, I grabbed it and put it on her sleeping body. There was no way I could leave her like that. I had no way to lock her door from the outside, and god knows what that detective will do if he gets in trouble with his supervisor. I accidentally fell asleep in the chair I was sitting in. A few hours later, someone was talking.

“Spencer, be careful,” The voice cried. I knew that voice. I opened my eyes to see Y/N squirming in her sleep. She looked helpless and scared.

“It’s ok, Y/N,” I calmly said, “I’m ok.” She seemed to stop squirming and settle down.

I tried to go back to sleep but thoughts of her swirled in my mind. She was dreaming about me. She cared about me, enough to yell for me and tell me to be careful. Reid, you’re crazy. You’re not a psychoanalyst. You don’t believe in dream theory. But this you couldn’t deny. She was calling for you. Finally, sleep caught up with me. My dreams were filled with thoughts of her.

Your POV

Your alarm woke you up with its heinous voice. You snuggled into the blanket that you’d never seen before. You looked around the room for any explanation for the new blanket on you. In the corner, you saw Spencer sleeping on the chair.

“Oh my god,” you whispered. You silently got out of bed, grabbed your blue pants, white shirt, and pink blazer, headed for the bathroom to change. You put your hair into a high ponytail and pulled out a few pieces of hair to frame your face. Your makeup was basic, nude sparkly eyeshadow, mascara, blush, and nude lipstick. When you exited the bathroom Reid was still asleep in the chair.

“Reid, it’s 6:30,” you whispered softly, while gently shaking him awake, “we have to meet Hotch at 7.” He started to open his eyes, he looked so sweet. His hair was a mess, and he was still wearing his clothes from yesterday, “Did you sleep well, pretty boy?”

“I did actually,” he said sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “You talk in your sleep, you know that?”

“I hope I didn’t say anything too embarrassing,” you chuckled. “You didn’t have to sleep in the chair, you could have slept in the bed.”

“I was quite comfortable actually.”

“That’s a lie, I’m going down to get breakfast. Go get changed.”

“Alright, enjoy your breakfast.” You grabbed your wallet, phone, badge, and gun and left.

Spencer’s POV

She walked out of the room and closed the door, leaving me with my thoughts. I had a job to do though and that started with getting ready and getting to the station on time. I left her room to see Morgan walking from his room to the elevator.

“Pretty boy,” he said, noticing the room you were walking out of, “busy night last night?”

“I don’t want to hear it, Morgan,” I sighed.

“I’m just saying,” he smirked, “she seems to like you.” He held his coffee cup as if to say cheers and walked away.

I turned away from the elevator and headed back to my room. I got changed, freshened up, and messed up my hair. Staring at myself in the mirror for a second I heard my phone ringing, I went to find it laying on the bed. I checked to see who was calling and it was another number I didn't recognize. “Hello?”

“Hello, I'm Vanessa Scartop with KCCI 8 news, I’m looking for a Dr. Spencer Reid,” charmed the voice on the other line.

“This is he,” I replied

“Good morning Dr. Reid, I was told I could direct any questions about the recent bombing to you.”

“No, ma’am, I think you're mistaken, have a good day,” I hung up the phone, why would she call me? I checked the time to see that it was 6:50, we had to meet Hotch at the station at 7. I ran out of the room grabbing my bag and coat on the way out. I ran to the elevator and rapidly hit the button for the first floor. I ran out of the hotel to see Y/N leaning on the hood of an SUV.

She looked up at me and smiled, “Jeez, what took you so long?”

“You could say I was a little distracted,” I struggled to say, I don’t run very often.\

“Hop in, we have to be at the station in… 9 minutes,” she walked over to the driver’s side door.

“Are we gonna make it on time?”

“Of course we are, buckle up.” She was so pretty with her sunglasses on, they framed her face perfectly.

My phone rang again snapping me out of my trance, “Hello?”

“Hi, is this Dr. Spencer Reid?” another woman spoke on the line.

“This is he,” I sighed, not again.

“Good Morning Dr. Reid, this is Amanda Gino with Channel 13 news, Would you mind if I could ask you a couple questions about the recent bombing at the house of Principal Givens?” “I actually would mind very much, thank you for calling,” I hung up and sighed.

“What was that?” Y/N asked.

“I don't know, actually,” I replied. “I’ve been getting a lot of phone calls from news stations recently.”

“Weird,” she smiled. “We’re here by the way,” she said while we were pulling into the parking lot.

“6:58, that was supposed to be a ten-minute drive,” I chuckled.

“We’re going to be late Dr.” she smiled jumping out of the car and started to walk toward the door so I followed her lead.

We got to the conference room at exactly 7:01, Hotch didn’t say anything and Morgan just chuckled. There was a coffee station set up at the back of the room for us, I grabbed my first cup for the day and my phone rang again, I hung up immediately this time and went back to the table. Hotch got up and started talking about the case and what we had so far. He sent JJ and Prentiss to look through some yearbooks. “Reid, yesterday you mentioned something about the unsub couldn’t feel pain,”

I got up and started doing what I do best, talking, “There is a medical condition called pain asymbolia, where patients register harmful stimuli without being bothered by it. They have been documented holding their hand over an open flame because their brain doesn’t send pain signals to the central nervous system.”

“Sounds pretty rare,” Rossi chimed in. “Are you sure the unsub has it?”

“The crimes prove it, this unsub displayed an unusual level of savagery toward his victims. And consider this, he smashed through a glass display case but there were no cuts on Jerry. That means he most likely punched through it, probably as a show of force. The only way the human body can withstand that level of pain is if he couldn’t feel it at all,” I continued.

“That must really stunt someone’s emotional development,” Rossi said. My phone started ringing again and I hung up.

“A big contributor to our sense of empathy is the way we process physical pain,” Morgan continued. My phone rang again.

“And the unsub didn’t develop his sense of empathy because it was cut off,” Hotch added, my phone ringing again. “Does every person with asymbolia experience this?”

“Actually most people experience empathy just fine, which makes me think the rest of our profile is accurate. Loner, invisible,” my phone rang again, “outcast, son of a bitch!” I answered the call, just to make it stop, “Hi, this is Dr. Reid. I actually can come to the phone right now with a very important message that your mother is a d-

“Reid!” Hotch said sternly

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” I looked over as Y/N was trying to hold back laughter.

“I’m going to have Garcia look over medical records,” Hotch continued, I tried to stay focused on him. “What causes asymbolia?”

I looked over to see Morgan snickering, “Severe trauma produces lesions in the insular cortex, usually after a stroke, but this unsub is so young it was mostly caused by an external factor.” Morgan, what did you do?

“Like a bomb going off next to him?” Rossi asked.

“Like a bomb going off next to him,” I repeated looking at Morgan, who was still snickering.

Hotch left the table so we started to clean up some of the papers, “I will crush you,” I whispered to Morgan.

“What?” Morgan replied.

“What?” I said, playing dumb. I looked over to see Y/N, she was laughing to herself. She had the prettiest smile.

She was a ray of sunshine. She smelled like roses, her voice flows through your ears like syrup. Her hair falls perfectly off her shoulders, but today, her ponytail swayed perfectly with every step she took. Focus Reid.

Your POV

After the meeting, you were still laughing at the thought of Spencer swearing. You may have only known him for two days but he had seemed so innocent when you first met. By now he and Rossi had left, leaving you and Morgan.

Morgan started to walk over to you and you sat up straight, “What do you think of the team so far?”

“You all seem really nice,” you said with a smile.

“How do you feel about Dr.Reid?”

“I mean, I’ve only known him for two days but he seems really sweet,”

“Ok,” he said. “Just sweet?” “Derek Morgan if you are asking if I have a crush on Dr. Spencer Reid,” you quipped, “then I’m sorry to say but that information is classified.”

“I thought you’d say that,” he sighed, standing up and heading for the door, “I’ll see you later.”

“See ya,” you waved him goodbye.

For the rest of the morning, you sat and looked at the files again, trying to stay focused on the and not the only thought running through your mind, that you did indeed have a crush on Dr. Spencer Reid, but he didn’t need to know that.

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fic

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firefeufuego · 4 years

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allegrezza: chapter two

Inspired by the prompt ‘Media Adaption’ for RebelCaptain Appreciation Week, I thought I’d bang out another chapter of the coda to my Mozart in the Jungle crossover. Enjoy!

‘Tepoztlán’, the voice of the driver carries down the bus as it comes to a stop and Jyn stands and reaches for her bag before stepping off into Cassian’s hometown. It’s a bit odd to be here without him, but the orchestra’s delayed flight out of Rio left her with an extra day in her little surprise trip to Mexico and there’s something here she wants to do alone.

Tapping in her destination on her phone, she sets off through the streets of the picturesque town, nestled in a valley between the soaring cliff sides of lushly forested mountains. Jyn’s less interested in the landscapes and architecture than the people though, because everywhere she looks, she sees a younger Cassian — in the two boys kicking a football back and forth that could be him and Rodrigo, or the babbling toddler sitting on his father’s shoulders.

There’s a bittersweet heaviness to those fond invented memories that mirrors the ache she feels when she thinks of her own childhood, those early years of happiness making the subsequent loss cut all the deeper.

Still, better than to have never been happy at all, as Cassian would say if he were here. She misses him, even more than she has done for the past month that they’ve both been touring.

She’s supposed to be in Belgium now before setting off for the last leg of the tour in Germany, but the thought of not being there when Cassian played his first professional concert in Mexico (a concert that he and Rodrigo had been stressing each other out over for months) was unacceptable. Or so she’d thought after a bottle of wine in her empty hotel room before shelling out more money than she’d rather think about for last minute flights.

Her phone buzzes in her hand, telling her she’s reached her destination. There’s a stand selling flowers near the entrance and she buys the two most expensive bouquets, feeling strangely nervous about first impressions even though the people she’s buying them for could literally not care less.

After a few minutes scanning the rows of stones, she finds them.

Jeron Andor Lopez and Charlotte McMillan share a simple headstone, engraved with a short message about Cassian and — Jyn notes with a smile — a few of the best bars of the Brahms sonata.

Laying down the flowers, she gets the water bottle and a packet of tissues out of her bag and sets about cleaning the dirt and dust off of the stone, which looks as if it had gone unvisited in some time. She knows Cassian is never able to visit as often as he wants to and he has no other living family in Mexico, which is why he had to move to the US to live with his mother’s dour brother after the accident.

Once she’s done scrubbing, she drinks the rest of the water and sits beside the newly gleaming granite, looking around to check that she’s alone before clearing her throat awkwardly. ‘Hello. My name is Jyn Erso and I’m in love with your son.’ She pauses for a minute, tracing Cassian’s name. ‘You would be so proud of him, he’s just— he’s the best person. I feel like I should thank you both, for, you know, making him. I’m, um, I’m going to ask him to marry me soon, actually, which is kind of why I’m here. I think that if you knew me, and how I hurt him, you probably wouldn’t trust me with him. There are days when I don’t really trust myself with him. But I promise, on every grave in this place, that I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make him happy. And if I don’t, you can feel free to strike me down with whatever powers you have at your disposal.’

There’s no sudden burst of sun or gust of wind that she might imagine into a response, but the sense of duty that brought her here still feels satisfied. She feels the weight of responsibility of making that promise to the only other people who loved Cassian as much as her, but it feels grounding — more like an anchor than a burden.

After another few minutes of thoughtful silence, Jyn murmurs a goodbye and starts toward the second place she’d come here to see.

Maestro Rivera’s music conservatory is a gorgeous old building, bustling with young students lugging around instrument cases that are still just a bit big for them. There’s a particular kind of cacophony that only comes from music schools and makes her miss Yavin fiercely.

More than a few of the students recognise her and excitedly ask for selfies and after a few minutes of increasingly awkward smiling and being maneuvered within various configurations of friendship groups, she asks them where she can find the maestro. Two of them immediately appoint themselves as her guides, eagerly pointing out various ensemble rooms and places of interest, including a bin where the great Rodrigo de Sousa apparently set all the school’s Tchaikovsky scores on fire in a fit of adolescent pique. With the benefit of years of living with Cassian, Jyn just manages to keep up with their slowed-down Spanish, though she keeps her responses to a minimum to avoid having to use her apparently comical accent.

About a month after that first recital at Yavin, Jyn — feeling outgunned in the romance stakes after Cassian had so tenderly nursed her back to health then treated her to a series of increasingly lovely dates — tried to tell him how she felt in Spanish, practising in the mirror more times than she was willing to admit until the words felt comfortable in her mouth.

Once she’d said them, Cassian’s expression was almost entirely charmed, but she still caught the laugh he’d quickly suppressed.

Flustered and a little dismayed, she asked, ‘How did I not get it right? I looked it up in a proper dictionary and everything.’

Quickly wrapping her in his arms, he explained between kisses that he’d just never heard such strongly Danish-accented Spanish before. ‘I think your brain just defaulted to the foreign accent it already knew.’

Somewhat mollified, Jyn nevertheless looked up the hardest words she knew in Danish and made Cassian pronounce them, which he did with exaggerated incompetence.

Then of course, because he really was impossible to compete with as a romantic, he took her face in his hands and said, his voice hushed and reverent, ‘I’m falling in love with you too.’

She shivers now as she did then, but her reverie is soon interrupted by their arrival at Maestro Rivera’s room.

The man who opens the door looks like some kind of vengeful Old Testament deity, all stern brow and long, white beard. No wonder Cassian and Rodrigo are as good as they are, if this is who was telling them to practise. His face soon brightens as he takes her in though. ‘Ms Erso, what a pleasure.’ He takes her hand and presses it to his lips. ‘How you have grown since the last time I saw you.’

Jyn opens her mouth in surprise, brow furrowing. ‘When—’

He links his arm with hers and starts to walk down the hallway, raising an eyebrow at the two students who have surreptitiously moved to follow them and sending them scurrying off. ‘Your father and I crossed paths a few times before I retired here. I remember you as a very well-behaved young child at one of his concerts.’

‘That doesn’t really sound like me.’ Hellion had been bandied about quite a lot during her childhood.

‘Ah!’ He chuckles. ‘Perhaps not normally, but you were so enchanted by the music, even then. You followed your father’s fingers so closely, I’m surprised you didn’t turn out to be a violinist.’

‘I nearly did.’ She’s about to go on to explain why she chose piano instead, but decides she’s had enough of thinking about children losing their parents for one day.

‘Now, I think that you did not come here to talk about your past.’ Guiding them to one of the many photos lining the corridor, he points to one with a hint of mischief. ‘Maestro de Sousa tells me one of my other students has caught your eye.’

The photo shows a string ensemble mid-performance and in the first row sits Cassian at around eight years old, face serious as he holds his little 13 inch viola aloft. She gasps out a delighted laugh at his terrible haircut and chubby cheeks, marvelling at how they could have transformed into the razor-sharp beauty of the man she knows.

Maestro Rivera laughs along with her. ‘Puberty really was a blessing for that boy. But so talented.’ He frowns. ‘I’ve always thought he’s wasted on the viola. You know, I tried so hard to get him to switch to the violin, but he would not listen.’

Jyn thinks of how Cassian’s face lights up when he’s playing with the orchestra in a way that it never quite does when he plays alone. ‘He’s too selfless for violin, he just likes making other people sound good.’

The maestro hums in acknowledgement. ‘And of course there was his mother. A truly impressive musician. She played like you, not quite as beautifully as Cassian, but with such fire.’

‘With the blood?’

‘With the blood, exactly. I see someone has been stealing my lines.’ He leads her down the corridor to other photos of Cassian, including one of him and Rodrigo in a string quartet, arms around each other and smiling. Jyn gets out her phone and is about to take a picture of it when Maestro Rivera plucks the frame off the wall and hands it to her. ‘Consider this my payment.’

Raising an eyebrow as she puts the photo away, she asks, ‘Payment for what?’

‘For the piano recital that you’re about to give for my students, of course.’ His tone is benevolent but brooks no argument and she pities the poor soul who would ever try to say no to this man.

Within half an hour, she finds herself seated at an old but well-maintained grand piano and surrounded by students. Most of the hastily-gathered crowd is seated but the maestro has allowed the pianists to come up close and they watch her technique with eagle eyes, making her think harder about it than she has in a while.

She plays the Prokofiev from her current tour repertoire along with some Beethoven and Mozart for good measure. Once she’s finished, the piano students are asked to list all of her mistakes, with any that they missed helpfully supplied by Maestro Rivera.

It’s just like she’s back with Saw, and she makes a note to find his most recent contact details. Rumour has it he’s somewhere in Mongolia doing something interesting with throat singers.

After many more selfies and a fond ‘Hasta pronto’ from the maestro, who’s coming to the concert in a few days, she’s put in someone’s parent’s car and driven back to the bus stop.

While she waits, she gets a message from Cassian. You still awake?

She goes to call him before realising the country code will ruin her surprise and she doesn’t have enough data for an internet call. With a disappointed sigh, she replies, Barely. Talk tomorrow?

Okay. Miss you.

She feels a little awful, knows he’s even more stressed about coming to Mexico and the concert than he’s letting on. But she’ll more than make up for it tomorrow. God, she’s never felt better about dropping two grand on a whim. Miss you too, it’s not long now. Have a safe flight.

Yeah, just two more weeks. I love you.

Who knows, maybe it’ll feel shorter. Love you too. So much. Even without those cheekbones.

?????

;)

#my fic #mitj au #rebelcaptainweek #i promise there'll be a chapter where they actually interact soon!

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acelezz · 4 years

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My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once.

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people.

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me.

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway, it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it.

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me.

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic.

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years.

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world.

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good.

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me. I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister.

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.

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melanieph321 · 1 month

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SEVEN DAYS OF REQUESTS (DAY 2)

Fermin Lopez x Reader - You or Me Part 3/4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Request - my request is something like you are best friends with fermin (or gavi) and he’s madly in love with you but you don’t know about it so when you start seeing someone (possibly another footballer) he gets jealous and does something outrageous like posts a story with a photo of yours which is odd considering he’s never done it before and the person you’re seeing gets mad and you also get mad because it’s obvious he’s doing it for another reason and have an argument with him when he confesses his true feelings in a moment of weakness which causes you to take a step back but you soon realize you’re actually more into him than you knew and go to him late at night and make out

Enjoy!

You made it back to the hotel smelling like wet socks. There was no one in your room so you suspected that Camilla got tired of waiting for you and headed downstairs for dinner. It was unusual for you to stay behind for as long as you did but the evening's training session had involved a penalty shootout which you severely needed to work extra on.

"Hey, what's for dinner?" You asked, finally joining the others downstairs after having taken a well deserved shower.

"Chicken casserole." Camilla said, pulling you a chair.

"What's everybody on about?" You wondered, as there was a cluster of boys and girls surrounding one of the dining tables.

"What do you think?" Camilla said. "The superstars are here."

You perked up and got a glance at who was sitting at the table. It was Fermin Lopez and Pablo Gavi, your eyes widening at the sight of Fermin.

"He's hot no?" Camilla leaned in and whispered.

You got pulled back to reality, frowning at your friend.

She smiled. "Don't lie, I saw you checking him out just now."

"I wasn't...." You looked back towards the table, curiously tilting your head. "He looks different. That I'll admit."

"Yeah, different as in hot. didn't I tell you that he had matured."

He had indeed, you thought. Last time you saw Fermin he had buck teeth and pimples all over his face. Whatever skincare he was using was definitely working.

"I heard he is coming to the party after the seminar."

"He is?" You said dreamily. "I mean..." You cleared your throat. "There is a party after the seminar?"

"Yes. Everyone is going and you should come too."

"I should?" You were feeling awfully shy all of a sudden. Just then, catching your eyes, was Fermin. His eyes widened at the sight of you. However you smiled and raised your hand to wave at him. He looked to do the same, however, his eyes shifted somewhere to the left of you.

Confused, you turned your head, but there was only Camilla. Her eyebrows were furrowed but relaxed as you turned to look at her. "You okay?"

She perked up. "Yeah I'm fine, and you?"

Your attention was drawn back to Fermin, however he was no longer looking your way, matter of fact, he and Gavi had left their table, heading towards the dining hall exit.

"I think they're preparing for the seminar." Camilla said.

"Right, the seminar." You muttered, ignoring the way that your heart was pounding in your chest.

"Let's go." Camilla stood. "We should grab good seats before they run out."

It was strange. All of a sudden all you cared about was grabbing a good seat ahead of Fermin and Gavi's seminar. Ignoring the fact that you were leaving the dining hall on an empty stomach. It was all very strange.

********************************************

The seminar went well, Fermin thought. However, he returned to his hotel room with only one thing on his mind.

"Are you planning on drinking tonight?" Gavi asked. The two were not obligated to chair rooms, however neither of them mind doing so.

"Yeah, aren't you?" Fermin was getting drunk for the sake of getting Y/N out of his mind. Imagine how he would've humiliated himself today by asking her to be his girlfriend.

"I'm just saying." Gavi said. "I don't think we're setting the best example by partying with the academy kids."

"Kids." Fermin snorted. "They're technically the same age as us."

"I'm just saying." Gavi repeated. "Aren't we trying to set a good example?"

Fermin sighed. His friend chose the wrong day to be reasonable. Nevertheless, Fermin was getting Y/N off his mind one way or another and just as he was thinking of ideas on how, her friend Camilla's name popped up on his display.

**********************************************

It was embarrassing. However after spending an hour pacing back and forth in your hotel room, you threw on your best outfit and decided to go to the party.

It was held not too far from the hotel, a night club where most academy players blended in well with the local youth looking to have a good time. You however felt so out of place, pushing past the crowd in search of a familiar face.

"Have any of you guys seen Camilla?" You asked a couple of guys and girls whom you recognized from the academy.

"Um she's over there." They said, looking a bit guilty as they pointed over to a corner somewhere. Either way you thanked them and moved on, only to have your heart ripped out of your chest as you stumbled upon a bizarre sight. Camilla in the arms of Fermin, the two sat on a couch shamelessly making out with each other.

"Y/N?"

It was Fermin who turned his head to notice you standing frozen in front of them. He had lipstick smeared across his lips in the shade of red, Camilla's favorite color.

"Holy shit, Y/N." Camilla chuckled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I didn't think you'd show up." She said.

You were confused. Why would she invite you if she didn't think you'd come in the first place?

"Y/N" Fermin made an effort to stand, however, his legs deceived him, making him fall back onto the couch and into Camilla's arms.

"Sit down baby, you're drunk." She said, caressing the side of his face.

"I didn't..." You squealed, making an effort to speak, although right now there was a really big lump stuck in your throat. "I didn't know that you two were...a thing." You said, the words barely audible over the loud music.

"We aren't!" Fermin jumped, again making an effort to stand.

"What he means is..." Camilla said, tugging his shoulder to make him sit back down. "What's it to you?" She said, giving you the nastiest of glares. "Like why would you even care?"

"I...I don't." You stammered.

"Good, because aren't you awaiting a call from your boyfriend back in England?"

You frowned. "What are you talking about Camilla?"

"Alejandro Garnacho." Fermin mumbled, looking quite defeated.

"That's right." Camilla nodded. "Alejandro Garnacho, isn't he your boyfriend now that the two of you have gotten to know each other so well over the summer?"

"He's not my boyfriend Camilla and you know that."

"Could have fooled me." She shrugged.

"Camilla why are you doing this?" You said, watching her as she clinged on to Fermin. He was barely sober enough to talk.

"Not everything is about you." She mumbled.

"Pardon?" You said, demanding her to speak up.

"Not everything is about you Y/N! We can't all be perfect little football prodigies who have teams from England scouting you, begging you to play for them."

"Is that what this is about?" You frowned. "You're jealous of me for training with Manchester United last summer?" You laughed at the thought, however it was so like Camilla. You thought that this type of behavior from her had stopped after your first years at the academy, but apparently they hadn't.

"You're not better than me." She said, clearly very intoxicated herself.

"Tonight I am." You said and made the effort to pull Fermin to his feet. You then grabbed his phone from his pocket, searching through his contacts until you found Gavi's number.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

#fanfiction #football imagine #footballer imagine #footballer x reader #fc barcelona #fermin lopez #pablo gavi #seven days of requests

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benzbantz · 4 years

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Best 100 Songs of the decade!

As a new decade will be upon us shortly (the 20’s) I wanted to share some of my favourite tracks from the last 10 years. I’m a pop and rap guy mostly so that’s what you can mostly expect but hopefully a few surprises along the way. I’ll post 100 songs I really loved (in no particular order) then my top 25 absolute favourites at the end. Ok here we go

~Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

To limit myself to just one GaGa track is cruel and not easy, Edge of Glory and Born this Way are both anthems and technically this came out last moment 2009 ..but didn’t pop until 2010. A classic that makes it to most my playlists.

~Airplanes- B.O.B ft Hayley Williams (A classic no need to say more.)

~Love the Way you Lie - Eminem ft Rihanna

A absolutely brutal tune about a toxic relationship full of of lies and abuse, the powerful video really sells the tone of the song.

~Rescue Me - Skepta

Used to love Grime but gone off it for a while now. I wouldn’t call this an outright grime track but Skepta def brings the gritty uk rap scene on this one.

~Forget you ~ Ceeloo Green

Thou I prefer the Gnarls Barkley music style, this is still a awesome tune. Always fun to tell someone to do one in a sing song melody.

~Written in the Stars- Tinie Tempah ft Eric Turner

Used to love me some TT, this was a real catchy banger with great chorus by Eric Turner.

~Raise your glass - Pink (Not much to say, a pop classic)

~I need a Dr - Eminem, ft Dr Dre and Skylar Grey

This is such a underrated song. You have to really know your Dre and Em history to catch everything being said (which I won’t go into here) Brilliant tune and my fave they both worked on together that decade.

~Animal- Neon Trees

Really catchy little number that I enjoyed from first hearing.

~Look at me now - Chris Brown ft Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes

Busta Rhymes rap, that is all!

~Moves like Jagger - Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera

A great sing a long featuring two artists I’m not mad about really so a surprise like from me.

~ In the heat of the moment - Noah Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

What a tune, completely missed this first time around heard on a tv show recently checked it was this decade and then added it right on the list. Banger.

~Summertime Sadness AND ~Love - Lana Del Ray

2 for 1. When Summertime Sadness came out I was mesmerised by Lana’s voice had never heard anything like it before. Safe to say she is my artist of the decade but haven’t raided this count down with all her music. A couple here and a couple of my absolute faves in my ultimate top 25. Love was very heard to keep out of my top 25.

~Stronger (What doesn’t kill you) - Kelly Clarkson

Come on now, if you haven’t belted this one out the top of your lungs at least once I don’t know what you’ve been doing the last ten years.

~Somebody that I used to know - Goyte ft Kimbra

Went thru moments of really liking this song then it really irritating me (played on radio A LOT), thankfully years later the hype has died so I can appreciate it once more.

Midnight City- M83

This is not really my sort of music at all ,so much so I’m not even sure how to describe it. Has a 80’s feel which I love. Just love the infusion of synths and instrumental. Plus the singer has a very calm melodic voice. Great track.

~T.H.E - Will.I.Am ft Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez

Absolutely love this song so catchy very Fergie era BEP sounding, with a great guest solo from Mick Jagger.

~212 - Azealia Banks (not much to add on this, banger!)

~Too Close - Alex Close

If you don’t recognise this song from title you will once you hear it, such a forgotten gem.

~Picking up the Pieces - Paloma Faith

Another unique voice that def makes my top ten newly discovered artists this decade is Paloma Faith, her cover of Mama Cass’s Make your own kind of music also deserves a strong mention. Also not related to the music but Paloma is mad as a box of frogs in real life which I love.

~Bangarang- Skrillex

Yeah you’re not leaving alive from this post without a Skrillex nod I’m afraid, not a big dubstep fan but jumped aboard the band wagon when it was big for five minutes, this songs only thing that made it back with me thou.

~Hall of Fame - The Script ft Will.I.Am

First let’s clear this up I’m not a massive Will.I.Am fan or anything, he was just in EVERYTHING for the first few years of the 10’s. It’s a great song regardless.

~Harder then You think - Public Enemy (What a track, can’t say much more, banger.)

~Locked out of Heaven- Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars had some amazing tracks his debut album Doo Wops and Hooligans featured some brilliant tunes which sadly I just didn’t have space for in this countdown, Grenade, lazy song , Just the way you are, but I’m showing some love to Unorthodox Jukebox here and it’s best track giving Bruno Mars a edgier new vibe.

~Chocolate- 1975

Not my sort of music usually but really enjoyed this laid back rock number,

~Get Lucky - Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams

Disco is back! Or is was in 2013 when this tune came out, one of the biggest selling singles worldwide in the 2010’s so not much more detail needed on its inclusion.

~Let her Go- Passenger

Nice little number, always liked this one, never really got into there other stuff but had to give this a shout out.

~Can’t hold us - Macklemore ft Ryan Lewis

The Heist is one of my fave albums from the last decade features some great tracks, same love and Thrift Shop get a shout out but this track was my fave, uplifting and full of energy.

~La La La - Naughty Boy feat Sam Smith

This was Sam Smith’s big feature hit before they became the successful solo artist they are now. Great track very different to the music Sam does now.

~Work Bitch - Britney Spears

Don’t roll your eyes! This is a banger, now get to work bitch!

~Rap God - Eminem

For Eminem’s big solo feature on this countdown it was between this, The Ringer or Not afraid. You may of guessed I’m a Eminem fan and have tried to keep his entries down but one does not simply do a music countdown and not include Rap God.

~Of the Night - Bastille

Really like this band they have some great hits, Pompeii is another great song of theirs that I didn’t have space to include. I went for this eerie cover version of the Corona 90’s dance classic as my pick.

~Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus (Leave me alone it’s a good song ok 😂)

~Riptide- Vance Joy

A little hidden gem I’d forgotten about until I put this list together.

~Who did that to you? - John Legend

Was going to obviously include All of me in this spot but then I remembered this absolute hit from Django unchained which sneaks in and takes the spot. Both great songs thou.

~Nobody to Love - Sigma (Great little dance track not much to add)

~ When the Party’s Over - Billy Eilish

Yes I’m a 35 year old Billy Eilish fan ok leave me alone lol. Seriously thou this girl is super talented and she’s up there in my fave artists of the decade. There will be more of her in my top 25 but this haunting track deserves a mention.

~Turn down for What - DJ Snake ft Lil Jon

It’s Lil Jon yelling really load of course it’s a banger. Also worth mentioning Ice T did a awesome Rap rock version of this song and it’s amazing!

~Problem- Ariana Grane ft Iggy Azalea

Those saxophone’s thou! Groovy little number no explanation needed.

~Chandelier- Sia

Such a power anthem, I came out as trans in 2014 so this song holds a lot of personal meaning with me but regardless is a great song anyway.

~Thinking Out Load - Ed Sheeran

I’m not the biggest Ed Sheeran fan ,take him or most often leave him ,but did like this sweet ballad. Nothing against his voice it’s his songs that don’t often do it for me but this was great.

~Good Kisser- Usher

Never been huge Usher fan ,liked his earlier stuff, confessions and all that. This was a surprise jazzy bluesy type number thou that I really enjoyed.

~Rude- Magic (A catchy sing along tune)

~Zombie - Jamie T

This guy was one of my fave artists of the 00’s, and thou his newest stuff imo doesn’t compare to his older this was still a tune.

~I - Kendrick Lemar

This is actually best when played after the song ‘U’ , the latter being a self hating song ‘loving you Is complicated’ vs I’s ‘I love myself’ different ends of the spectrum I just included ‘I’as you can enjoy that one on its own but to get the best out of that track I highly recommend listening to U first.

~See you again- Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

A sad song given it’s a tribute to Paul Walker who died in a car accident. Was overplayed a lot at the time but stands strong several years later.

~Dark Times - The Weeked an Ed Sheeran

What a track, their voices mesh perfectly together in this somber number.

~ Trouble - Iggy Azalea ft Jennifer Hudson (Banger)

~Hotline Bling - Drake

So many Drake songs I could of included, (he will appear again in the top 25) gods plan, headlines, in my feelings, nice for what, all absolutely great tracks but I had to go for my personal fave out of the bunch.

~You don’t own me - Grace ft G-Easy

This may be an odd one to some but I’ve always loved the original by Lesley Gore and this is a amazing cover. Grace has a lovely voice (and there is a non rap version if you’re so inclined) Love a good cover version and this is a awesome cover version.

~Side to Side - Ariana Grande ft Nicki Minaj

Hmm guess I’m a Ariana Grande fan, who knew. A cheeky little number and the first appearance in this countdown of a certain fave rapper of mine.

~Panda - Desiigner (another one where there’s not much I need to add, great tune)

~Dancing on my own - Robyn OR Callum Scott

Take your pick the Robyn original or the Callum Scott cover version, both stand alone great tracks, the original more a melancholy dance track the cover a somber ballad. Both brilliant.

~Alarm - Anne-Marie

A nice little pop tune, really like her voice

~Rockabye- Clean Bandit ft Anne-Marie and Sean Paul

Speaking of Anne-Marie, another great pop track. Super catchy sing along. Sean Paul can be hit or miss for me but works well with this track.

~Human - Rag N Bone Man

This is another one there’s not much I can add this guy’s voice is amazing. Brilliant song particularly love the chains you can hear rattling throughout (reminds me of Johnny Cash’s ‘Ain’t no grave’)

~Black Beatles - Rae Stremmurd ft Gucci Mane

Yep that’s some mumble rap to add to the list (told you my music taste was varied) As a whole I don’t love mumble rap but there’s some stand out tracks including this one.

~Thunder- Imagine Dragons

One of my favourite bands from the last decade, like most there stuff. This song has a great song along chorus. Really catchy track.

~New Rules And IDGAF - Dua Lipa

Honestly couldn’t pick from the two really like them both equally. So you get a double. Catchy pop tracks.

~Sorry not Sorry - Demi Lovato

It was between this or Sober (another great Demi track) but ultimately went with the more upbeat pop number.

~Havana - Camila Cabelllo ft Young Thug (A nice chilled Latino style track.)

~Perfect - Ed Sheeran

A beautiful song by Ed Sheeran,other then ‘sing’ and the previous mentions I’m not really into his stuff but this is lovely track.

~Feel it Still - Portugal the Man

Really catchy song can’t help but tap your toes along to it.

~False Alarm- The Weekend

This was something different from the Weekend, really enjoy this song, Weekend is one of my other fave artists to come out the 2010’s.

~Sanctify — Years and years

Wasn’t keen on there earlier dance stuff but when they found there sound I really enjoyed them.

~This is America- Childish Gambino

Great as this song is you really need to watch the music video as well for the song to have its full impact. Love Childish Gambino could of put several of his songs in this list, excited for future music from this guy.

~Solo - Clean Bandit ft Demi Lovato

A cheeky little pop number you can’t help but sing along to.

~Shotgun - George Ezra

One of those artists I can’t decide if I’m into or not, like one song then not keen on the next, it’s strange, but no denying this is a great song.

~Lucid Dreams - Juice WRLD (RIP)

First off Rest in peace Juice, recently died at 21, very sad. The guy was super talented and was looking forward to his future stuff. Could of picked a few tracks but this was the first song I heard of his so that’s got to be my shout out.

~Only You - Cheat Codes ft Little Mix

Although I don’t mind Little Mix this is there only entry on my list. A nice catchy sing along with a dance beat.

~Lost Without You - Freya Ridings

This almost made it into my top 25, just couldn’t find a space for it. Haunting, melodic song with Freya’s stunning vocals. Don’t play this one after a break up or a death.

~Nothing Breaks like a heart- Mark Ronson ft Miley Cyrus

~Someone you loved - Lewis Capaldi

Think this guys going to be another Ed Sheeran for me, meh most the time with the occasional great song. This one no exception.

~Shut Down - Skepta

With lyrics like ‘Ring ring pussy, it’s shut down’ how can it not be a banger 😂 Not the best song in the world I admit but good fun.

~As we enter- Nas and Damian Marley

Words can’t express how much Iove this track, such a hidden gem. A reggae- rap blend of uplifting brilliance. Great gym playlist track.

~Better Now - Post Malone

Another artist I enjoy on occasion. This is my favourite of Malone’s songs so far.

~Bad at Love - Halsey (another great pop track)

~Bitch Don’t kill my vibe- Kendrick Lamar

Could of picked a number of Kendrick tracks King Kunta, DNA, M.a.a.a.d City, If these walls could talk, just to name a few but I’ll go with the first Kendrick track I heard and loved.

~Heartbeat - Childish Gambino

So gutted I couldn’t find a spot for this banger in my 25 but I had to include it on its own. Unless you’re a CG fan it’s unlikely you’ve heard it. Highly recommended a listen. I can’t even really describe it.

~No role Models- J. Cole

A anthem with a similar feel to Keep your head up by 2pac, a sad song somewhat but with a more upbeat tempo. My personal fave J. Cole song.

~Power - Kanye West

Wow our first Kanye track. I like Kanye ,prefer his older stuff. My dark twisted fantasy was the last album of his I really liked. This was a absolute monster of a tune. Also really liked the song Runaway from the same album. Both have great intros.

~Antidote- Travis Scott

~ No Sleep- Wiz Khalifa

Super catchy song, very anthem sounding.

~Young, Wild and Free - Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa and Bruno Mars

Another catchy tune, powerhouse of a team up.

~Rack City - Tyga

~ Romans Revenge- Nicki Minaj ft Eminem

Absolute banger double up from the king and queen of rap. Also a version she did with Lil Wayne which was very good but the Eminem version wins for me. Also will take the opportunity to give the Lil Wayne and Nicki song ‘knockout’ a shoutout.

~Blazin’- Nicki Minaj ft Kanye west

Another great Nicki Minaj track of the brilliant Pink Friday album. I know some of her more recent stuff hasn’t been great but she came out the gates strong in 2010.

~Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj

Last Nicki Minaj track I promise, could of picked this or starships as love them both equally.

~Trap Queen- Fetty Wap

Can’t lie this is something I never thought I’d like but the more I heard it the more I liked it.

~Ultimate- Denzel Curry

Yes the Vine meme song. Banger.

~Bad and Boujee - Migos

Yes more mumble rap, I’m not even sorry

~I’m not racist - Joyner Lucas

Wow maybe the most powerful song on this whole list. Nothing I explain can do it justice you have to give it a listen yourself (with the video)

~Cry Little Sister - Marilyn Manson

Boom, rap to rock just like that. I love Marilyn Manson covers, in the 00’s it was Tainted Love but this time around its this classic from The Lost Boys soundtrack. Creepy song but kinda perfect for Manson.

~Faster- Within Temptation

~End of Time - Beyoncé

Have to include some Beyoncé before this ends it’s the law. This was my favourite of hers.

~ Rumour has it - Adele

Not the biggest Adele fan but she has a few songs I enjoy, set fire to the rain and someone like you also good songs.

~Ugly Boy - Die Anwoord

Yep he’s a Die Antwoord fan 😆 I have no excuses, DA are one of my fave bands. Zef to death.

- Surf - Tommy Cash

Absolutely stupid lyrics but hilarious (need to watch the video also) it’s actually a good song with a awesome beat.

~Bang Bang Bang - Big Bang

To close the top 100 greatest songs of the decade out , some J-pop, I’m not a expert on Jpop I like a couple of artists and a few songs but had to close out with this... bang bang banger!

So here we go top 25 of my absolute faves from the 2010’s. (in no particular order)

~Radioactive- Image Dragons

This song featured in a Assassins creed game trailer (I forget which game) and I searched for it straight away, found it, fell in love, the rest is history. Great beat and vocals.

~Game Over - Tinchy Stryder, Tinie Tempah, Professor Green, Giggs, Devlin, Example, Chip

Wow with that line up it was always going to be a banger. This might be my fave beat ever! Such a tune featuring Rap and grime mvp’s from the UK.

~Gods and Monsters- Lana Del Ray

I know I said in no order but this might be my very favourite song from the last ten years. It’s not even regarded as Lana’s best but I just love everything about it, lyrics, melody and vocals. Perfect song.

~Born to Die - Lana Del Ray

Another melodic masterpiece from Lana Del Ray.

~Bad Girls - M.I.A

Yeah I’m a dude it’s weird this song gets me pumped seriously thou such a catchy song.

~In Paris - Kanye West and Jay -Z

Not much needs to be said, absolute classic.

~Over - Drake

Drake at his best imo, great beat, delivery and lyrics. My fave Drake song.

~Black Skin Head - Kanye West

Powerful song with a amazing beat, powerful lyrics, great gym song to get you pumped.

~Sail - AWOL Nation

You might have guessed by now I like a catchy sing along song with a pumping beat and somber tone. Check.

~Only love can hurt like this - Paloma Faith

Her voice in this is something else. I said it before Paloma Faith is so underrated.

~Bang Bang - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj

Not to be mistaken for Bang bang bang by big bang featured earlier. Great pop hit.

~Take me to church- Hozier

Powerful song and video.

~Humble- Kendrick Lemar

Banger, not much else I can say.

~Uptown Funk — Bruno Mars

Can’t go wrong with this one, great hit.

~Can’t feel my face- The Weekend

Like most of the stuff this guy brings out, this awesome hit just tops that list.

~Redbone- Childish Gambino

Ok sorry Lana Del Ray but I retract your number one spot for this one. Thought it was Macy Grey or the Delfonics singing when I first heard it then discovered who it was. This has a 70’s soul feel. It’s hard to explain ,if you’ve never heard it give it a listen I’m sure you’ll love it.

~Bad Guy - Billy Eilish

Such a catchy tune, the song that introduced me to her music. Great little dance/pop hit. Fun and a bit freaky. Duh!

~Bury a Friend- Billy Eilish

The way Billy Eilish’s mind works amazes me, how she sees the lyrics, the music and video all as one package. She’s extremely talented and look forward to her taking up most the spots on my 2020’s best of list.

~I miss the misery- Halestorm

Great rock hit, has a very 80’s feel. Lead singer has a amazing voice.

~Sweet but Psycho - Ava Max

Maybe my favourite pure manufactured pop hit of the decade, any female pop star could churn this out and it would do well. Hate to love it.

~Homicide - Logic feat Eminem

If you don’t like rap you won’t get it, if you do, you know where I’m at.

~Stronger then Ever - Raleigh Ritchie

Otherwise known as Grey Worm in Game of Thrones, this guy can hold a tune. Great uplifting track.

~Speedom- Tech N9nne, Eminem

Another great Eminem feature hit. Absolute masterpiece of a record.

~I need - Maverick Sabre

Nice somber melodic song, this guys super talented.

~Cookie Thumper - Die Antwoord

The South African rap rave group strikes again, this one is pretty much a Yolande solo, the beat is insane and thou half of it is in said/sung in Africans it’s still my fave DA song.

~Monster- Kanye West, Jay Z, Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Bon Ivor

The title of this track doesn’t lie, beast of a track, arguably Nicki Minaj’s best guest verse ever (‘Where them girls at’ deserves a mention for sure) It’s in all my rap playlists, amazing song.

If you took the time to have a gander at my random countdown then I thank you, I fully expect you not to agree with everything, hopefully something you enjoy musically was mentioned I did my best to spread the genres as much as I enjoyed them. More music and other countdowns to come.

#music #billy eilish #lana del rey #the weekend #eminem #nicki minaj #childish gambino #kendrick lamar #kanye west #jay z

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the-beastslayers-queen · 5 years

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A Dangerous Game: Chapter 10

Chapter 10 is here! Tagging: @queenofthearchitect @writtingrose @biforbecky2belts @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @theworldofotps @mox-made-me-do-it @sassyspacedust @afauss2009 @calwitch @sammyfireheartashryver @romans-babygirl-wwe @romansrgn @accidentalsethrollinsblog and @finnsauroraborealis Tag list is open, hit up my ask box. Enjoy!

Finn

It’s been getting harder and harder to keep Drew at arm’s length when it comes to Cat and Seth. Especially now that she’s pregnant with Seth’s baby. Cat had messaged me to let me know that she and Seth are now married, which now has put a target on both of their backs. I know that the second McIntyre finds out, he’ll put a bullet into Seth, forcing Cat to watch him suffer first, before granting her mercy with a bullet of her own. And that was what scared me more than anything. I love my sister to death, and if she were harmed even just a little, I would rain pure fiery hell and retribution onto whoever it is that has it coming.

“Hey Bálor,” I looked up to see Jordan coming into my office, “We have a visitor.”

“Let them in and close the door behind you, Jordan,” I told him as I sat up a little straighter in my chair.

Jordan nodded and waved in the visitor. Sure enough, it was Billie Kay and Peyton Royce. Those two were known as McIntyre’s sirens, or spies as I liked to them.

“Have a seat ladies,” I gestured to the armchairs set up across from my desk, “What brings you into my office?”

“We have vital information,” Peyton replied first.

“Yeah and it involves Cat and Seth,” Billie continued.

“What about my sister and Rollins,” I asked them.

“McIntyre knows that a certain Catriona Devitt and Colby Lopez are now married,” Peyton replied, “And he wants them both dead. He figured out that Lopez and Devitt are Cat and Seth. They’re in danger.”

“Who is McIntyre sending to track them down,” I asked, getting right to the point.

“McIntyre sent Lesnar to go after Rollins and Orton to snag Cat,” Billie answered, “Lesnar was ordered to capture Rollins alive, but if he killed him trying to take him that was fine. Orton was ordered not to harm a hair on Cat’s head when he grabs her.”

“Shit,” I propped my chin on my fist, “I have to get to them first. You ladies won’t be safe when McIntyre finds out you divulged this information to me. I’ll send you over to the Authority to protect you two. Thank you for letting me know what’s going on. If you’ll excuse me, I have some friends to call to help take the fight to McIntyre.”

The girls got up and left. Jordan poked his head in and I told him to have himself, Pete, and Tyler get the girls over to Hunter and Stephanie so they can bring them in the loop and get protection. I then proceeded to get out my phone and call up some old friends from Japan.

“What can I do for you, Prince Devitt,” the man on the other side answered.

“Matt,” I greeted him, “I need some help. How quickly can you and the Elite meet me in Davenport, Iowa?”

Cat

I had just gotten home from the grocery store with Karl and Luke when I saw that I had a message on the Bálor messenger. I set my bags down and I went over to my laptop to read it.

Cat, call me as soon as you get this. We have a situation.

“Shit,” I grumbled as I got to work setting up my burner phone to call Finn.

“Finn what the hell is going on,” I asked the second he answered.

“Royce and Kay came to see me today,” he replied, “McIntyre knows you and Seth got married. He’s sending out Orton and Lesnar to take the both of you. You need to get out of there and find a new place to lay low.”

“Finn I can’t just uproot us,” I told him, “With me being pregnant, I need to be monitored by a doctor I can trust. If we leave I may not find one and that could put the baby at risk.”

“God damn it Catriona,” Finn scolded me, “I have the Elite meeting up with me in Davenport. I’m getting to you before Orton and Lesnar can. I refuse to let you get hurt by McIntyre or his lackeys ever again.”

I was busy folding laundry when I heard the front door open and then something that sounded like a scuffle. I went to go downstairs, but my phone went off. I looked down and I saw a text. It was from Seth’s burner, but I could tell it wasn’t Seth sending it.

I got your little lover boy. McIntyre is going to have some words for you when you come home.

I paled. I fell to my knees in pure shock. I should have just done what Finn told me to and took off with Seth. Now he’s in trouble and it’s all my fault. Because I love him and I married him, McIntyre is sure to torture him and kill him.

I was snapped out of my guilt when I heard the scuffle travel up the stairs to just outside. I ran and hid inside the closet. I then heard more feet run up the stairs and a new fight ensued. I peeked out to see Finn fighting with Orton. I looked out a little further and saw that Gallows and Anderson were out cold.

Finn

I got upstairs into Seth and Cat’s safe house to find Gallows and Anderson out cold in the bedroom. I heard faint shuffling in the closet so I knew Cat was hiding in there. I got into it with Orton, throwing fists with him. I was going to fight hard to protect my sister.

“She’s mine, Bálor,” Orton taunted me as we paced around each other.

“Over my dead body, Orton,” I growled at him, feeling my inner demon stirring.

“That can be arranged,” he smirked before striking. He nailed me hard with a hard kick to my ribs. I could feel them cracking against his boot as I collapsed to the ground.

Orton then pounded away at my face, bloodying and breaking my nose. I left my lip split wide open, the blood pooling in my mouth.

“No,” I looked and I saw Cat grab at Orton. He pushed her back and she fell and bumped her head against the corner of the bed before hitting her back on the floor.

“Cat,” I shouted. Randy kicked me and sent my head spinning. I had to watch as he scooped up my sister’s limp body into his arms and left with her. Then my world went black.

“Fergie, wake up,” I felt someone shaking my shoulders. I opened my eyes to find Karl leaning over my body, “Man, Cat’s gone.”

“I know,” I groaned, “We have to go back to Orlando. I’m getting on the phone with Hunter and the Young Bucks to let them know what’s going on.”

“No need,” I sat up and saw Matt and Nick standing near the door, “We got here just as Ambrose and Reigns got here. We’ll join you in Orlando to get your sister back.”

“What about Rollins,” I asked, looking over at Ambrose and Reigns, “Did he get away from Lesnar?”

“No,” Dean replied somberly, “When we got there to protect him, Seth was hanging limp over Lesnar shoulder as he was taking him away from the shop. We came back as fast as we could to try to help with protecting Cat. Sorry Finn.”

“Let’s get Cat’s tech packed up so we can keep it safe with us,” I told them, “Then we’re all heading to Orlando. We’re ending McIntyre, once and for all.”

Seth

I woke up to find I was hanging from a wall. I looked up and groaned as I felt my wrists straining from dangling in chains attached to the concrete wall, my body weight weighing heavily on me. I felt blood on my cheek, and knew Lesnar had done quite the number on me with a wrench he must have found at the shop.

“Fucking asshole,” I groaned and gritted my teeth in pain, “Shit Catie. Fuck, where am I? Is she alright?”

I knew I was alone in this cell, but I was so damn worried about my wife. She was pregnant and I was taken from her. She isn’t safe alone. If they found me, there is no doubt in my mind that they found her too.

I looked up as the large metal door to my cell opened and I saw Corbin walk in. My face twisted into a scowl as I stared him down. All he did was smirk at me.

“Well what have we here,” Corbin smirked as he paced the room, “If it isn’t the young prince of The Authority. The Architect. Shame he couldn’t design the perfect way to hide off the grid away from old Drew McIntyre. We not only found you, but your little pregnant wife too.”

“You hurt her I’ll put a bullet right into your fucking skull,” I growled at him. Corbin replied with a stiff jab into my rib cage, surely cracking a rib or two.

“You’re not going to do shit, Rollins,” Corbin growled in my ear, “Because Drew is going to take pleasure in causing you pain for taking his promised bride away from him. He’s going to leave you begging for death, right in front of her. Then he’ll kill you both.”

A couple hours later, I was joined in my cell by McIntyre and Lesnar. I spat at McIntyre and it earned me a punch in the face from Lesnar that surely broke my nose and busted open my lip. I spat out the blood pooling into my mouth.

“Get him down,” McIntyre ordered Lesnar, “it’s time for us to begin the torment for Catriona.”

Lesnar nodded and came over and grabbed at my chains roughly. I gritted my teeth to stop myself from screaming out in pain from the chains digging into my wrists. Lesnar released my wrists and threw me over his shoulder. I fought against his hold as I was carried out of my cell. Before I knew it, I was taken upstairs and out to the empty dancefloor of Glasgow Kiss.

I looked around and I saw Cat, bound and gagged in a chair with Corbin and Ziggler standing behind her, Ziggler held a knife to her throat. I squirmed even harder to try to go to her. She looked absolutely terrified and worried. I saw that she was worse for wear, a gnarly black eye graced her left eye and she had a swollen and bruised cheek. Her lower lip was swollen and a deep shade of purple too.

Seeing Cat so beat up made my blood boil. How dare McIntyre and his goons lay a hand on her, she pregnant for fuck’s sake. I wanted to stain the walls of this club with their blood so bad. No one hurts my wife and gets away with it.

Lesnar tossed me down onto the floor in a heap and grabbed my shoulder and squeezed, stopping me from trying to get close to Cat. I looked over at her and I could see tears welling up in her eyes from both fear for her well-being and of our child and with concern for what might happen to me.

“You two little lovebirds just couldn’t help yourselves, could ya,” McIntyre sneered as he paced in between me and Cat, “You just had to fall in love with each other and ruin my engagement. You just had to be selfish and not think of your Club, Catriona. I would made a great husband for you. Instead, you have an affair with this fucker and end up pregnant with his love child. Then he marries you.”

“You raped her first,” I shouted at him. Drew closed the distance between us and swiped the knife he was hold across my shoulder.

“Because she wasn’t complying with my advances,” he sneered, “Because I needed to assert my control over her. I had to show her that she is mine and mine alone. Now I will have to find a way to erase your marriage ever happened to make her my bride. But even then, she still be yours. And if I kill you, Rollins, she’ll be your widow and still won’t be mine.”

“You’re damn right,” I growled at him.

“So if I can’t have her, no one can,” Drew smirked as he took his knife and waltzed over to Cat, “Lift her leg, Dolph.”

Dolph did as instructed and lifted Cat’s left leg. Drew then turned her leg before driving his knife into her leg, right into the gap between her tibia and fibula. He then tilted the knife with enough force I heard the loud snap of her leg breaking. Cat screamed out in sheer pain. I roared with anger as I shoved off Lesnar’s grip on my shoulder and charged at McIntyre.

As I got close, Dolph swept my legs out from under me and placed his boot on my throat. I struggled against him, trying to breathe as best I could. Drew came over and he dragged the knife over his coat sleeve to remove Cat’s blood from it. He then took the blade and dragged it against my cheek, cutting my skin harshly.

“You bastard,” I growled at him, “This means war.”

“Then bring the war,” Drew taunted before he drove his knife into my right shoulder just deep enough to tear my labrum, “Because I’m done sharing this city with Bálor Club and The Authority. I will gladly end your lives to get the city all to myself. Throw him back into his cell. And get Shawn here to fix her leg.”

#seth rollins x oc #seth rollins fic #seth rollins fanfic #seth rollins fanfiction #wwe fic #wwe fanfic #wwe fanfiction #A Dangerous Game

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acuppellarp · 5 years

Photo

Welcome (again) to A Cup-pella, Ace! We’re excited to have you and Santana Lopez in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Ace+ She, Her, It Age: 32 Timezone: CST Ships: Santana/all the ladies Anti-Ships: Santana/forced

IC INFO

Full Name: Santana Gloriana Lopez Face Claim: Tessa Thompson Age/Birthday: 26 / December 21st Occupation: First year associate at Jones Day law firm Personality: ambitious, distrusting, loyal, guarded, passionate, competitive, blunt Hometown: Bronx, New York, New York

Bio: Santiago and Maribel Lopez knew they’d wanted children. They’d talked about it before and after marriage. What they also talked about was how they just couldn’t afford to give any child the life he or she deserved. It turned out, though that sometimes fate didn’t actually care what people could afford, go figure.

Santana Gloriana Lopez was born during a ridiculously warm day in the middle of winter. It was a freak occurrence, and Santana’s abuela liked to attribute that to the girl’s… attitude. As a young child Santana was scrappy and protective of her friends and family. Growing up near the Bronx River, a kid had to learn how to protect themselves, and to think on their toes. She was smart and she knew how to make her words strike a blow as damaging as any punch the bigger kids could throw. Santana quickly gained a reputation as someone not to be messed with, and she loved the way that small bit of power made people respect her. Fear apparently meant respect. That lesson was carried throughout Santana’s young life.

Both of Santana’s parents worked none stop just to make ends meet and put her father through Dental school, so she spent most of her childhood with her Abuela. The woman sparked her love of music. They’d spend their saturdays listening to bolero, merengue, salsa, jazz, soul and R&B music. Those days filled her up, and she held on to them when she was forced to Sunday Mass every week. Growing up in a very catholic household, most of the time felt stifling, though she took comfort in parts of it. Santana had a very strange relationship with religion, but she loved her abuela, so she sucked it up, with a lot of complaints.

School was a whole other world. A world Santana ruled with a devious smirk and an iron fist. The halls literally parted when she walked them, like the damn red sea. The classes always came easy to her so it was never a concern. Staying on top became her main focus. The right boys on her arm, right band aid dresses on her hot ass body, and finding the right minions, were the most important things. She didn’t know what it was like to have real friends, just followers. People either hated her, or wanted something from her, and that pissed her off most of the time, not like it wasn’t her own fault. Still, it added to the reasons for her walls. She couldn’t count on her parents, so why should it surprise her she couldn’t count on anyone else, well except her abuela.

Sex was just a tool. One that got her things from guys who luckily for them had something she wanted. Santana was excellent at it, of course, like she was at most things she tried, but it was never anything to write home about. She just didn’t get it. Not until Aisha. The choir nerd, who was decidedly one of the most beautiful things Santana had ever seen, heard Santana absentmindedly singing some old jazz song her abuela loved and made it her mission to get Santana in the choir. Now San wouldn’t admit this to anyone but the annoying persistence was really cute, so eventually she gave in. Santana would have said at the time it was because she liked a challenge and making the lame ass choir cool would definitely be a challenge. It obviously had nothing to do with the crush she was developing on the nerd, who also happened to be a girl.

The friendship became romance quickly and Santana was actually really into the secretiveness of it all for a while. Aisha, on the other hand was not okay with Santana’s double life. It made sense she didn’t want her girlfriend going out with the entire football team. They talked it out, and fought it out, then talked some more. It was decided. They were going to come out. It was fine because Santana was still a badass bitch and no one would step to her. But there was her Abuela. She had to be the first San told, because she was sure it would break her heart to hear it elsewhere.

The day Santana told her Abuela she was a lesbian was the day everything went to shit. Alma Lopez, officially had no granddaughter. That was what she’d said, and Santana’s heart shattered. And when she went to Aisha for comfort, the other girl confessed she chickened out, and that she thought they just needed to cool off for a bit. Everything sucked. If you think Santana was a bit of a bully before, well some might have called her the biggest bitch in the East after that.

She’d just gone back to her life of make believe, boys could never hurt her as bad as she’d been hurt. She’d go home and spend time in her room studying. She left the choir even though she actually loved it in the end. Santana reigned high school that way until she left for Columbia.

College changed her, a teeny bit. She met a couple people who she felt she could semi trust sort of, and that was nice. And while her heart stayed locked away she liked sex with woman, she was gay after all, so she had plenty. She joined the school choir just because it was fun and she enjoyed beating people out for solos. Now though, the most important thing was getting into law school. Santana loved her business law classes and she couldn’t wait to make it rain in the strip club with her corporate lawyer salary.

Now a first year associate at Jones Day law firm, Santana works a lot but makes time for her band, the few actual friends she’s managed to accumulate, and the casual hookup when the mood arises. Life’s alright.

Pets: Santana 100% ain’t got time for that

Relationships: [ Only for OC applicants and Canon/Semi-canon characters not currently part of the Masterlist. Both OCs and Canon/Semi-canons not currently on the Masterlist must fill a wanted connection. Please provide brief headcanons for possible roommates and/or groups. ]

EXTRA INFO

[ This is for the masterlist, but also a fun little way to get to know your character! ]

San Lo Esq./@couselor_snix/description: Luckily for you I left my whoop that ass days behind me. Now I’ll just sue you for wasting my very valuable billing hours.

Five latest tweets:

@couselor_snix: personal not professional twitter so I’ll hurt your feelings if you try and come for me here.

@couselor_snix: client lunch at Via Corota. I love Italian but especially when is on the firm, shot out to the write off lunches

@couselor_snix: Lavender lattes are that boujee shit I never knew I needed in my life. I’ll have another please.

@couselor_snix: @rollingwmyhomies Ariana, replace my spaghetti or roll for your life!

@couselor_snix: Third years are such dicks… I can’t wait to be one

#accepted

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saintmccann · 6 years

Text

RED

part one of two

prompt none; this is an original AU fic. van mccann’s charming wit and hatred for authority has put him in danger, and you’re the one who’s after him.

notes lovely banner by @niceboybob

_____

The day the package showed on your doorstep, you had come back from the ropes course ready to shower off the grit and sweat. There it lay on the rough doormat: a pristine black box sealed tight. Scrutinizing your surroundings - left, then right - you carefully lifted the box and brought it inside, locking your door behind you. You knew what this meant.

As soon as the package was inside and away from unwanted attention, you unsheathed the pocket knife you always kept in your bra. You slid it across the black satin tape of the box, cutting a straight, calculated slit all the way around the length of the package.

A ribbon on the side was meant for you to pull. The inner black box slid from the outer shell. Inside, wrapped in fragile black tissue paper, were two items: a small piece of black cardstock the size of a business card, and a black file folder sealed with red wax.

The red wax came away from the folder easily; it was fresh.

You spread the pages of the file over your table and read them silently to yourself, aware of your surroundings.

Van McCann. Born August 1, 1994.

Will be attending Capitol Records opening reception for Halsey’s latest album release with entirety of Catfish and the Bottlemen.

Photo enclosed.

Catfish and the Bottlemen. Band information card enclosed.

Members: Van McCann (frontman), Benji Blakeway (bassist, photo enclosed), Johnny Bond (lead guitarist, photo enclosed), Bob Hall (drums, photo enclosed).

The black card read a dollar amount embossed in gold. Six figures.

*****

Your Louboutins stung the sidewalk as you strutted down a side street from the entryway doors. You’d studied the plan of the block enclosed in the black folder. You knew every alleyway, every door, every window, every escape route possible throughout the mansion this party was being held at.

You stalked up to the entrance of the grand old house, careful not to step on the excess fabric of your trailing black dress while avoiding the throes of paparazzi. They were everywhere, photographing artists stepping out of jet-black limousines with belles and beaus on arms. You made a point to avoid having your photo taken. The doorman’s eyes caught a glimpse of yours for only a moment before you showed your invitation and were let inside.

The foyer was wide, chandeliers looming overhead in the entryway as guests chatted, waiters winding through the crowd with silver platters sprinkled with champagne glasses. A grand staircase to the right spiraled up to the upper entertainment hall and balcony, where most of the guests would settle shortly before 10:00pm, when Halsey would address the party and thank them for their support.

Your eyes swept the crowd a few times. Your eyes grazed Jennifer Lopez in her Rihanna-esque see-through dress (“swarovski crystals, girl,” you thought to yourself), Niall Horan in his sharp dapper suit, and Migos, chained to the nines over all-black ensembles. Capitol Records had a diverse artistry, and it made for a wild party. Target wasn’t in sight yet.

You cautiously ascended the hardwood stairs above to the upper banquet hall, heels resonating on the wood, all the while acutely aware of your surroundings, softly smiling at people so they wouldn’t suspect the glock strapped to your inner thigh, or the razor-sharp comb holding your hair in its perfect half-updo.

You circled the room once, chatting small talk with waiters until you’d made your rounds indirectly examining every guest at the party. There was a mirror on the opposite wall; a perfect way to innocently touch up your makeup while still recording the positions of everyone in the room. From your bra, you pulled your ruby red lipstick, and drew it on your lips painstakingly slowly. Both men and women alike were watching you from the corners of their eyes, enthralled.

Afterward, you needed a drink in your hand to convince everyone you belonged there. You glided to the bar-cart at the back of the room. After surveying the liquor available (expensive it was - but you were used to clientele with money) you decided on a drink. Your hand reached out, nails painted perfectly crimson, and collided with another, clumsier hand, reaching for the same crystal lowball.

“Ain’t that funny. I’m already actin’ drunk and I’m not even on my second,” a warm voice to the right of you said, loudly, in a hybrid Chester accent. You turned to look at the face of the person with the voice, and immediately had to keep cool. It was him. Target, sighted.

You smirked, to save face. You were hardly ever surprised in this business; you wondered where he’d come from, and how he’d managed to slip through the throng of the crowd without you noticing.

“Hi, I’m Scarlett,” you introduced yourself, voice velvety, letting him kiss your hand. Seductress tip number one. His lips were warm.

“Hello, love, I’m Van. Catfish and the Bottlemen. Heard of us?” and at your brief head shake of a no, he continued. “All of us boys are here, celebratin’ with Ash. What’ll ya have?”

“Scotch neat.”

His head ticked to the side, and eyes sparkled mirthfully. In a low, flirtatious voice, he replied, “How dangerous of you.” Tongue between teeth, impressed, he poured you the finest scotch on the cart, and made himself one too.

You rose your glass to his with a clink. You sipped it, smoothly. He took one timid sip and scrunched his face up.

“Can’t handle your liquor?” you said, devilish grin on your face. He was already enamored.

“Not as well as I handle my women,” he replied, and downed the rest in one gulp, winking as he swallowed.

At that, you let out a genuine laugh.

“We’ll see about that,” you spoke, sipping your scotch slowly. You had to keep your wits about you tonight.

“Will we?” he looked up at you from beneath his eyebrows, one cocked up slightly, smirk plastered to his face.

He noticed someone walking at the front of the room, and poked your shoulder with the pointer finger of the hand the crystal glass was in. Some cold condensation dripped on your collarbone, and you shivered. “See him?”

You turned your head slightly, and nodded at the grey fox in the rakish burgundy suit.

“That there’s Joffrey Wingate. Reckon he’s had it out for me for a while,” he told you, chuckling to himself. “The man hates me.”

“And why is that?” you asked, curiosity dancing on the tip of your tongue. Always putting on a show for your prey.

“So like I said I’m from Catfish and the Bottlemen; we’re a band, signed to Capitol like the others here. But I’ve terminated my contract with the label without going through all the hoops, cause I found myself a loophole in the contract, see. Smart one,” he said, tapping a finger against his temple. “But I’ll lose him countless dollars. He’s the CEO of Capitol, right. He didn’t expect that me going back to Communion would be this easy, nor did he think his pockets would be affected.”

“How dangerous of you,” you repeated coyly, and watched his playful smile widen. It seemed he was a fan of your banter. Most men are.

“I always rake up trouble wherever I go. Always have. You gotta do it your way, or don’t do it at all. Anyways -- I see my pal over there, and he looks like he needs to be steered clear of that unsuspecting lass. She looks like she’d do some fatal damage on him, she’s way out of his league” he said, taking a step away from you. He looked back, smiled a teasing smile, and said, “Lovely to meet you, Scarlett… hope we see each other again soon.” He then stalked away to interrupt Larry Lau from making a so-called fatal mistake.

You watched him walk over and cut into the conversation from across the room. He probably knew you were watching; that was your intent, anyways. Let him know you’re “interested.” Seduce and destroy.

He was wearing black slacks over his long, toned legs, with a black blazer. Golden pendant peeking out from the white shirt that wasn’t buttoned all the way up. Hair mussed about, falling into his eyes when he became more animated. Shoes, unshined. Hands drifting about, acting as if he belonged there, because in his mind, he did. He was cleverly underdressed. You sipped your scotch again, shook your head slightly to clear it from the pure alcohol, and prepared for phase two.

This time, you made the rounds to attractive men in the room, using jealousy as your weapon. Liam Payne was without Cheryl Cole, and it made it all too easy to flirt with him. Hand on his arm, laughing at the things he said, casually throwing in some interesting pieces of knowledge; he was hooked. He seemed like the type who craved fame, fortune, and women of status. Dan Smith from Bastille was next; a bit older, but still a catch. You actually enjoyed the conversation you had with him, and it made your act more believable. You made sure Van was eyeing you occasionally; he was making sure you weren’t getting too comfortable with the other men in the room with the drink he made you in your hand.

When you noticed Van staring a little too often, you knew it had worked. So you said goodbye to the man you were speaking with, dropped your crystal glass onto a waiter’s tray beneath your nose, and made your way to the powder room.

It was on the lower floor. Heels echoed down the hardwood stairs again, and across marble flooring. You pushed open the door, and were met with several dashing ladies in jeweled dresses and perfectly primped hair ogling themselves in the mirror, fixing lipstick, bobby pins between teeth, arms pulling down dresses that had hiked too high. You smiled at them, and walked into the bathroom.

Time check: 8:00pm. Two hours before Halsey’s speech. The party had potential to die about an hour after that; 11:00pm was the deadline to get the plan rolling.

The gun strapped to your inner thigh by the lacy black garter was pre-loaded; safety now turned to off. Comb, ever present in your hair.

You popped out of the stall to check your looks one more time, making sure everything was concealed beneath the black swooping dress your body called home tonight.

“Wow. You dress is like… fucking gorgeous,” a drunk girl called out to you from her perch on the loveseat by the mirrors. “This sweetheart neckline…. The bodycon silhouette that drapes all the way down to the floor so elegantly…. God, you’re beautiful!”

“Thank you, dear,” you snickered, and let her feel the fabric on your little sleeve.

“Like, I’m so inspired by this. I’m going to have to get my boyfriend to buy me a dress like this. Where’d you get it?”

“Actually, I had it specifically made for this occasion. Parties like this don’t happen for me this often.”

“Woooow. You’re fancy. I love it!” she squealed, and hopped off the loveseat to rejoin the party.

You adjusted the sleeves a bit, so they draped just right on the sides of your shoulders. You had to admit - in the full-length mirror, you looked incredible. This had been your favorite job outfit yet; the red lip, the red nails, the red bottoms on the shoes, matched with the black just screamed exactly what you were up to. The irony was giving you a power trip.

You put your persona back on, and opened the door of the powder room out to the foyer. Miniature tiramisus were swaying back and forth on waiters’ trays as they corkscrewed through the crowd. You picked up a small tiramisu; it looked delectable.

“Figured you were the type to like chocolate,” Van said, walking from behind you to stand next to you. “Told the waiter myself to bring some over to yous.”

You smiled. “So thoughtful.” He smiled too.

“How is it?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“Want some?” you asked. You punctured a corner of the cake with your fork and tore it off for him. “I’ll feed it to you,” you said, playfulness dancing in your eyes.

He opened his mouth, and he used his teeth to retrieve the cake off the fork. He sighed and closed his eyes. “Now that’s fuckin’ delicious.”

You laughed, and used the same fork to feed yourself more cake. A little germiness didn’t matter in the grand scheme of this job. Not that you minded his. He seemed like a relatively clean guy.

“So, Miss Scarlett where you from?” he began, and you knew he was falling for the ruse quickly. You hated that you had to tell him the story of your alias. He was starting to grow on you.

“I’m from a tiny town called Lakeland, Washington. It rains there all the time. Wouldn’t recommend it. Yourself?”

“I grew up in a place called Widnes, in Wales. Me mum and dad had a bed and breakfast. I loved helping them out and generally having a laugh there. Now I live in New York, with me mate Larry, the one you saw me rescue earlier.”

“Ah, yes, Larry. Does he always go for women like that?”

“Well, us both are terrible ‘bout it. We see somethin’ we like and can’t help but latch on,” he said, winking. You felt a blush creep up hot on your cheeks. It did not go unnoticed by Van.

“Shall we have another drink, love?” he asked, and when you nodded, his arm looped through yours. He escorted you up the stairs to the bar cart. The men who’d eyed you previously, even some you’d spoken to, were now staring at you enviously as you walked by with Van on your arm. When you got close to the bar cart, his arm dropped, and instead his hand went to the small of your back, leading you the rest of the way. His hand was warm. You appreciated the touch.

“You still want scotch neat or you want to try something else?” he asked, perusing the contents of the cart.

“How about a red wine?”

“Done and done.” He lifted a bottle by its neck, peeking at the date. His eyes widened. “1947. Alright, gotta be this one. Can’t not take advantage,” he said, and poured two glasses.

A clink resounded again. Van picked up the bottle of wine again, studying it. “What do you say we take this onto the balcony? Get some fresh air?”

“As you wish,” you responded seductively.

He held your hand and drew you both to the french doors that were propped open to the stone balcony that overlooked the front yard of the mansion. He leaned against the railing, sipping his glass of wine, eyes locked on you.

“Van, do you have any cigarettes?” you asked him, batting your eyelashes slowly. He set his glass of wine on the stone railing of the balcony, reached into his pocket and pulled out a package of hand-rolled cigarettes. “Course.”

You put one to your lips, and he lit it for you. You did the same for him; the flame twirled in his eyes, and over his pursed lips. He breathed out a heavy sigh. You were so close to him, breathing smoke in his face. He couldn’t handle the lack of touch.

He placed his hand on your waist, and led you to stand between his legs; you were at eye level with him now. You let your hand come up to smooth down the white collar of his shirt. His lips parted into a smile as he tilted his head up and puffed his cigarette. His jawline was exposed; hard and thick. One move from head to neck and the comb would slice his jugular right through. But you refrained. It wasn’t time yet.

You leaned in to whisper in his ear. Your cold breath blew across it first, and he closed his eyes. “You should come home with me tonight,” you softly said, and pressed your hand against his chest with intent. You let your hand trail up to his collarbones, pressing the chain of his pendant against his skin, leaving tiny indentations, caressing his jaw, and landing on his cheek. His lips parted. Your crimson lips brushed the corner of his mouth, and you felt his thigh twitch. You stood up, pivoted, and walked away.

****

Time check: 9:45pm. Fifteen minutes until Halsey’s speech. She’d been gliding around all night, sequin dress ablaze under the chandeliers, hosting. You knew from the files that she knew Van. That would be your hook to get him where you wanted. You sighed. Your job never got any easier.

You saw Van speaking to one of his bandmates on the outside backyard patio. For the past few hours, he’d been chatting it up with everyone, as if he knew everyone. You’d been watching him for the past thirty minutes from a third floor balcony. It’s not like anyone noticed you slinking away toward the unused elevator on the first floor, and it’s not like anyone knew where it was besides the owner and yourself, because you’d looked at the plans prior to the event. You needed to get away, to survey the back portion of the house where the alleyway with your car was visible behind the fence.

Van would look around every few minutes, surveying the guests for your face. It was honestly making you sad. He had no idea he’d fallen straight into your trap.

PART TWO HERE.

#PART TWO TOMORROW #YEE HAW #van mccann #vanfiction #vanfic #catfish and the bottlemen #catb #catb fanfiction #catb fanfic #mintyvan is back #happy 1 year blogaversary to me!

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