The depression and emptiness is real tonight, prayers appreciated

WinterFrost Single Dads AU

Hey, ya'll. Told ya I was working on this thing. I've got about six chapters done, but I'm not ready to post it to AO3 just yet. One big reason for that is I don't have a title yet. So I thought I'd post a couple of chapters, let ya'll get a feel for it, then take any suggestions you might have.

Just a small note: I tend to name fics after song titles that inspired the story or somehow fit with the plot.

Anyhoo...here's the first chapter. I *might* post the second tomorrow. We'll see how the response to this goes.

xoxo, La

Pairing: Loki x Bucky Barnes (there are others past and future, but I'm not giving them away just yet)

Rating: M

Word count: 1,775

Summary: Loki is living a great life as a Manhattan lawyer and constantly partying with Tony Stark, his best friend. Loki's life before he came to New York more than a decade ago is a mystery for those close to him. But it's all about to come to light when he gets a call from someone in his past.

Bucky is just trying to catch a break. A few hookups with a fellow soldier led to a quickie marriage and baby -- and two years later, a quick divorce. His daughter is now eight years old and the light of his life. But he can't seem to get his shit together. Struggling to find a job and keep a hold on his sobriety, it's a one-night stand that gives him the kick in the ass he needs to be the man his daughter believes he is.

Warnings: Mature language and situations, some drug use, and talk about addiction.

Chapter 1

The sound of his front door opening and closing pulled Loki from a deep sleep. So deep, it took him a moment to remember where he was and how he knew that was his front door. His eyes opened slowly, once, twice, and then again, to nothing but the darkness of what he was sure was his bedroom. Then he felt the pounding, incessant, pulsing around his entire head. Damn migraines. Loki let out a low groan, thought fuck it, and buried his face deeper into his pillow. Moments later, the door to his bedroom pushed open.

“Rise and shine,” a deep voice sang.

Loki grumbled at the familiar voice, and slowly, he turned his body, rolling onto his back. “Why are you always so chipper in the morning? Oh, for Norn’s sake!” He threw a pillow over his face as the curtains pulled open and let the blinding daylight flood the room. “Close them! I’ve got a damned migraine!”

“Ooh. So sorry, Mr. Friggasson. There’s a cup of tea on the nightstand. Would you like me to get you some water and a couple of ibuprofen?”

Another groan sounded through the room as Loki forced himself to sit up. “Yes, please,” he answered as he rubbed at his face before reaching for the two pillows to prop them up behind him. In his sleepy haze, he remembered to pull the bedsheet over his lap to keep his modesty. Loki reached out for the teacup first, cupping it in his large hand as he took a gentle sip. “Mmm, perfect. Thank you, Fandral. And, for the thousandth time, please stop calling me Mr. Friggasson.” He sipped again, ignoring Fandral’s giggle as he rummaged through Loki’s closet. “What time is it?”

“A quarter to eleven.”

Loki sputtered into his tea. “Quarter to eleven? Why did you let me sleep so late? I have meetings today.” Loki hurriedly set his drink down and started to rise, gathering the sheet to wrap around him. Fandral was suddenly there, nudging Loki back into the bed, “Relax, Loki. You’re fine. Your early meeting was canceled, the board meeting at the Tower was pushed to Thursday, and Mr. Stark canceled your lunch meeting.”

“Cancelled? Why?” Loki settled back in the bed, rubbing at his neck. “He didn’t say. But he left the message for me before three am, and there was a lot of noise in the background. So, take a guess.”

Loki snorted softly. “That’s your boss, Fanny. Don’t judge.”

“You’re my boss. Mr. Stark only signs the checks,” Fandral said through a smile as he laid out a pair of pants and a shirt on a chair in the corner for Loki to wear for the day. “Once the morning meeting was canceled, I thought I’d let you rest a little longer since you didn’t have to rush into the office.”

“Thanks,” Loki muttered from behind his cup.

Fandral gave him a nod and turned to head around the corner towards the master bathroom.

“Any other messages?” Loki called as he set the teacup back on the nightstand. He sat back, his face contorting in pain, willing the migraine to ease up. He made a mental note to see an optometrist already.

“Yes, a few. Natasha called. She got a lead on the security break from a couple of months ago, I guess? She said she’d have a report for you on the improvements she’s already made with F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Fandral stepped out with a small white bottle in one hand, a glass of water in the other. He handed the water to Loki before popping open the bottle and dropping two white tablets in Loki’s open palm. “Also, someone’s been trying to get a hold of you all morning. He’s called four times already. No real message, just ‘need to speak to Loki urgently.’ Someone named Thor.”

Loki went still. He swallowed down the pills and water in his mouth, watching Fandral’s retreating back. A million different questions ran through Loki’s mind, but he couldn’t decide on just one to ask, nor would Fandral be able to answer any of them, judging by what he’d just said. Fandral returned from the bathroom, and Loki hoped he didn’t look as panicked as he felt. “Someone named Thor, you say?”

Fandral, staring at his phone, made a noise of agreement. “Sounded foreign, but I couldn’t place the accent.”

“Norwegian.” Loki shook his head dismissively when Fandral looked at him with a quizzical look. “Did he say how to get a hold of him?”

“Yes. At least, I have the number for you.” Fandral lowered his phone, eyed Loki, who’d gone much paler in the last thirty seconds. “Are you all right?”

Not in the slightest. “Yes. Uh, Fandral, I’m going to take a shower.” Loki rose from the bed, his migraine still there but hardly forgotten. He held the bed sheet tight at his waist and walked around Fandral. “Listen, if he calls again, tell him I will call him back as soon as I’m free. If he doesn’t, when you hear the water stop, give me twenty minutes, then put the call through.”

Fandral frowned at Loki as he followed him with his eyes. “Sure, boss. Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

“Fandral. I’m fine. Will you order some food? Get me a sandwich, please. Something toasted, turkey.” Distracted, Loki didn’t wait for Fandral to confirm. He walked into his bathroom and started the water in the shower, then moved to the sink. He stood before the mirror for a moment, thinking, fretting, irritated. Why would Thor be calling him after all this time? What could he possibly have to say to Loki? After more than ten years of no communication, Loki felt as if they were strangers.

The steam began to fill the room, fogging up the mirror, so Loki dropped the sheet and stepped under the spray. He let the hot water wash over him, easing the ache of his muscles. He took the showerhead in hand, adjusted the setting of the water, and held it over the back of his head to let the hot water pummel the skin of his neck and his scalp, hoping to make the migraine go away. Though with the newly added stress of a phone call with someone from his long-forgotten past, Loki wasn’t sure it would go away now.

Washing his body and hair quickly, after just fifteen minutes, Loki stepped out and went through the motions of grooming then getting dressed. When he stepped out into the living room, Fandral was just taking his food from its delivery packaging.

“Did he call?”

“No. Feel any better?”

Not at all. “Much. Fandral, could you give me some privacy?”

He froze with a wrapped sandwich half out of the bag. Only his eyes moved in Loki’s direction, “Um, sure? Do you want me to come back in, what, an hour?”

Loki shook his head. “No. In fact, why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” Fandral dropped the sandwich on the table and faced Loki fully, crossing his arms. “Don’t look at me like that. Nothing is wrong. I just don’t know how this conversation is going to go, and I’d rather not have an audience if you don’t mind.” He spotted a bag of chips and snatched it up, ripping it open to pop one into his mouth.

Fandral, still frowning, reached into the bag once again to split the napkins between the two of them. He repacked his meal, then lifted the bag from the table. “All right. Your phone is on the counter. I input the phone number since he called the office, not your cell phone. And – I’ll be available, just in case.”

“Thank you. Fandral.” Loki gave his back a quick pat as he paused beside him. “I mean it. Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well, I think we both know that’s a mutual feeling.” He reached for Loki’s arm, giving his wrist a quick squeeze. “Call me later? So I know you’re all right?”

Loki nodded and didn’t move until he heard the door close behind Fandral. It was true; he didn’t know how he would function without Fandral. They were classmates in law school, and both started at equally prestigious firms upon graduation. They were good friends but fiercely competitive, too. Loki credited that manic drive to one-up each other for getting him to the top five percent of their graduating class. But after a few years, while Loki had been on the up-and-up, Fandral was drowning, barely keeping his head above water as a tax lawyer. Loki watched one of the first friends he’d made in New York crumble under pressure and struggled to help him find a way to deal. Eventually, Fandral walked away from the six-figure salary, the company car, and all the perks that came with it. Loki was impressed that Fandral

dared to do it. After a few months of getting help and finding a better mental space, Fandral moved off of Loki’s couch into a modest apartment that was a fraction the size of the loft he was in before and looked for a less-hectic job. Loki had snagged a cushy position as Stark Industries’ in-house counsel, thanks to his friendship with its C.E.O., and was still getting settled. Managing New York’s richest son’s money, company, and public image was turning out to be a full-time job. And Loki needed help. He’d already recruited Natasha Romanov, a former N.Y.P.D. Officer, he brought her on for her computer and investigative skills. So he offered Fandral a position as his assistant. Fandral took it and promised to be the best right-hand man. Loki expected he’d be bored within a month just answering phone calls and setting up meetings. But Fandral’s duties, mostly taken on of his own volition, had grown exponentially in the past five years. He acted as assistant, maid, valet, and social buffer for the notoriously introverted Loki.

Loki would be a mess without him.

Because he was starving, Loki wolfed down half his sandwich and chips, grateful that the shower, the food, and the medication had helped relieve the worst of his migraine. Taking a deep breath, Loki picked up his phone from where Fandral left it for him. His thumb hovered over the screen, over the unknown phone number. And with his heart in his throat, Loki tapped it. He listened. He waited. And, finally, after three rings, the line picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Thor.”

Transiting Mercury re-enters Scorpio

Timeline (current events in BOLD)

Wednesday, September 23, 20:55 UT - transiting Mercury enters Rx shadow, 25:54 Libra

Sunday, September 27, 07:41 UT - transiting Mercury enters Scorpio

Thursday, October 1, 15:49 UT - Mercury’s greatest eastern elongation, 4:36 Scorpio

Wednesday, October 14, 01:05 UT - transiting Mercury stations retrograde, 11:40 Scorpio

Sunday, October 25, 18:23 UT - Sun-Mercury inferior conjunction, 2:47 Scorpio

Wednesday, October 28, 01:33 UT - transiting Mercury retrogrades back into Libra

Tuesday, November 3, 17:50 UT - transiting Mercury stations direct, 25:54 Libra

Tuesday, November 10, 17:00 UT - Mercury’s greatest western elongation, 29:47 Libra

Tuesday, November 10, 21:55 UT - transiting Mercury re-enters Scorpio

Thursday, November 19, 21:04 UT - transiting Mercury exits post-retrograde shadow, 11:40 Scorpio

Mercury’s function in our charts is to serve as our inner computer program, which we can boil down to: 

Input -> Process -> Output

That means we can equate Mercury’s retrograde periods to “debugging,” or to upgrading the software. Something about the ways we learn, think, and communicate needs work. If you think about Merc Rx this way, it’s much easier to deal with! 

We’re in the final week of Mercury retrograde! Which is the good news, I guess. The bad news is that although it begins and ends well, with flowing aspects to a couple of Lady Asteroids - the midsection is fraught with difficulties. I think 2020 has been a toughening process for most of us, and therefore why should little Merc fare any differently?

Wednesday, November 11, 02:18 UT - Ceres/Pisces trine Mercury/Scorpio, 0:11 (0 degrees 11 minutes)

Third of three - except the first two trines were in Air signs. We’re beginning to add some intuition, imagination, and sensitivity, to being more fluent in what we say and how we say it. This is going to be tested by most of the rest of the aspects which follow - we’ll definitely need the caring and sympathy.

Placements affected lie between 0:00 and 1:11 of the yin signs Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn, and Pisces.

Friday, November 13, 17:52 UT, Neptune Rx/18:13 Pisces sesquare Mercury / 3:13 Scorpio

Third of three. We’re again in some situation where there is no clarity to be found, which is not a situation Merc in Scorpio tolerates. With the majority of this aspect (the 135 degree one), we’re counseled to be patient - if we are, we can eventually push for the results we wish. Also, other people may be seeing things a little more clearly than we can; don’t be afraid (or too proud) to ask for help.

Placements affected lie between 2:13 and 4:13 of the fixed signs Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius; and between 17:13 and 19:13 of the mutable signs Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces.

Sunday, November 15, 09:35 UT - Chiron Rx/Aries inconjunct Mercury/Scorpio, 5:21

Third of three. Words hurt deeper, and last longer, than blows. (Just ask Ms M, whose father never hit her but who also berated her on a daily basis.) This is definitely a day to consider woundedness (Chiron) coming from harsh words (Mercury). We will have a couple of choices, maybe both - one, to stop verbally abusing; two, to stop allowing ourselves to be verbally abused.

Placements affected lie between 4:21 and 6:21 of all signs; anything in Gemini and Virgo, though, will be especially affected.

Monday, November 16, 02:14 UT - North Node/21:17 Gemini sesquare Mercury/6:17 Scorpio;  South Node/21:17 Sagittarius semi-square Mercury/6:17 Scorpio

Third of three. Our “Mercurial” timing is off. We’re saying the wrong thing, or not saying the right thing; just when we thought we had something figured out, it dances away from us. A Sag Moon while this is taking place, can make us even more impatient and testy. Aim for more tolerance instead.

Placements affected lie between 5:17 and 7:17 of the fixed signs Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius; and between 20:17 and 22:17 of the mutable signs Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces.

Tuesday, November 17, 08:07 UT - Uranus Rx/Taurus opposite Mercury/Scorpio, 8:00

Third of three - and this is the big one, isn’t it? The previous oppositions were October 7 and October 20. This “third time’s the charm” transit feels so stark to me - like a clearly-defined choice awaits us, and neither option is particularly “nice” or pleasant. Having to come to grips with some distressing idea, or with the fact that someone doesn’t agree with us - again, I’m sorry to keep being so US-centric with this, but here in the States we really need to grasp that the Dolt 45 Cult (and worldwide, the entire capitalist patriarchy) isn’t going to give up without a fight. We really need to wrap our heads around this.

Placements affected lie between 7:00 and 9:00 of the signs Taurus, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces.

Wednesday, November 18, 12:18 UT - Vesta/Virgo sextile Mercury/Scorpio, 9:40

Third of three. It’s interesting to me because Vesta is now in her pre-retrograde shadow. Perhaps all this Mercury drama will give her something to chew on? There’s a Capricorn Moon, before this sextile matures, which may prompt us to look a little more deeply within. (Not that Scorpio needs that kind of a nudge! Nor does Vesta usually need much reminding to go inward.)

Placements affected lie between 8:40 and 10:40 of the yin signs Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn, and Pisces.

=================================

Dates for the next Mercury retrograde are:

Friday, January 15: Mercury enters pre-retrograde shadow, 11:01 Aquarius

Saturday, January 30: Mercury stations retrograde, 26:29 Aquarius

Saturday, February 20: Mercury stations direct, 11:01 Aquarius

Friday, March 12: Mercury exits post-retrograde shadow

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

"You Have A Good Man!" ... "Yeah"

Monday 23rd March 2020

Good Evening everyone! How was your weekend? I don't know about you but I have been feeling pretty miserable the past few days, I don't know whether it's down to this virus, or whether i'm getting withdrawal symptoms of no EastEnders!!! It felt really weird having nothing to watch or write about on Thursday or Friday. But in happier news, it's back tonight!!! Tonight we are back with another blog!

So, Sharon has come to the decision to give up her son, Kayden, and pass him onto Karen to look after. With the current state she is in regarding her son's passing, Sharon either cannot cope or cannot find it in her to care for the infant. We know Phil is due back any day now, so who know's what's going to happen when they finally come face-to-face!

Gray has finally found evidence of Leo stalking Whitney, Whitney is currently in hospital after issuing a hunger strike in attempt for the police to hear her side of the story. She's due her trial, what's going to happen when she gets to have her say?

Also in recent episodes, Keegan has been struggling to get a loan to progress higher in his business plan with Iqra. He feels as if society look down on him because of the colour of his skin. Tiffany is trying to be as understanding as she can be, but how much more can she take? What lies ahead for Keegan? I'm intrigued as to how long/far this story-line will go!

Anywayz, shall we focus on the episode tonight, it felt so good to have it back on our screens, after what feels like so long, and what an episode it was!!! Is it just me or is Ben's hearing getting worse and worse and now he literally can't hear anything?! You can see when he was having that meeting Danny, he was desperately trying to understand what was being said to him! I don't trust Danny and to be honest, i'm desperate for Ben not to get involved in any dodgey deals again! Do you guys feel the same? He's come such a long way since getting with Callum and his life was finally falling into place, just a crying shame that losing his hearing and made him fall into another bad decision, I get he's angry and he's hurting, but I really hope he'll decide to stop going into business with Danny before it's too late! I got a bit worried when Callum showed up, I was thinking it was good for Ben to have Callum help him, but kinda worried in a sense that Callum has no idea who Danny is! It's sad to see the two of them arguing, Callum is doing everything possible to help Ben through-out his situation and it seems Ben is just lashing out as he too is annoyed and frustrated, he's taking his anger out on Callum I feel. Who the heck was that old man that was flirting with him?! That creeped me out a little, I panicked thinking Ben was about to cheat, but to be honest, I don't think Ben would stoop that low, but it looks as if he was just wanting to steal the guys car and possibly prove to Danny that he is serious about going into business with him, only to get himself arrested! Nice one Ben! What is Callum going to do? Can he get through to his boyfriend before it's too late and he makes a decision he'll soon regret?!

Awwww Linda is really trying isn't she? Its obvious she's still finding it hard, but she's really trying! I felt a bit sorry for her when she went to apologise to Shelley. Shelley is a bitch anyway! I really don't like her, and it's obvious she's going to cause more trouble for Linda. How do you feel knowing that Mick and Linda are going to be moving out of The Vic? Where are they going to go? I've heard rumours of them leaving the Square, but I feel that's untrue, leaving the pub, yes, but leaving the soap? I don't think so? At least, I hope not!

Oh? Okay ... so Kat got a mystery phone call from a mystery someone who sounded like they were in desperate need? I'm guessing Stacey? We know Jessie Wallace has been written out of the soap temporarily, due to her being suspended for 2/3 months. What could this mean for Kat? Has she gone to help Stacey? Or could it be Hayley or Alfie?! Who knows? Either way, I'm sure we'll find out when Kat comes back to our screens! Maybe she'll come back with someone in tow? We can only wait and see at this moment in time but i'm looking forward to Kat coming back, she always has and always will be an iconic EastEnders character!

Oh man! Ian just doesn't know what to do, does he? Seeing his best friend in absolute state of pure depression and grief and he's unable to tell her exactly what happened the night her son died! To be honest, it'll only be a matter of time! But to then tell Karen she has to leave with Kayden or he'll be put into care is a bit harsh! I don't really understand what he'll get from that, Sharon will still find out either way what part he played in Dennis's death. Dotty is still blackmailing him, will Ian do anything he physically can to stop Sharon from finding out the truth? Poor Sharon, being physically incapable of making it down the street to see her son in the undertaker's. I can't praise Letitia Dean high enough through her performance as a grieving mother the past few weeks, she has been incredible! I hope Karen will still be able to keep Kayden, she won't stand for Ian has told her, maybe she'll go to Sharon herself and then, who knows, maybe everything will fall into place! Sharon, I believe, is unaware of Ian's actions towards Karen, she'll only be suspicious as to why Ian wants them out of Walford. Could that be what brings Ian to tell Sharon the truth?! We know we have Dennis's funeral coming up and Phil is due to reappear, how and when will Sharon find out the truth about her son? I'm really looking forward to seeing it all unveil!

Wow! Whitney is finally out of prison! That was pretty quick! That moment when Gray stepped into the Vic where everyone was waiting, made it all a bit tense didn't it?! What do you think will be in store for Whitney now? She's out on bail so, is she still to stand trial? Will she finally be able to have her say in court? Will they believe her? Will she actually start eating again now she's out of prison?! That moment when she was chatting with Chantelle, praising her husband. Did you guys see the look of awkwardness on Chantelle's face?! She had the face of "If only you knew!". It's hard for Chantelle to hear Whitney call her husband a "Hero" when he literally beat her black and blue, he's more of the villain in her household! ..... Do any of you guys think something is going to happen between Chantelle and Kheerat? Is he going to be the one who Chantelle turns to and admits the truth as to how Gray has been treating her? Will Kheerat be the one to save her? When Mitch found the counselling card and was asking Chantelle about it, I was SO HOPING she would finally say something!!! So sad she didn't! C'mon Chantelle! She has to tell somebody soon before it's too late! But who will be the one she tells? Mitch? Karen? Kheerat? Whitney? Again, it's only a matter of time before someone finds out the truth and Gray will be seen for the villain he really is! 

Overall, a really good episode tonight! I really enjoyed it and was so happy to have it back on our screens. I hope all of you are staying safe through this horrid pandemic the world is experiencing right now! Take care and look after yourself! Thank you all for your ongoing support! I'll back again tomorrow night with another blog! Goodnight everyone! xXx

alright. today was kinda hectic and stressful so not really the best. woke up at 6, made it to work and all that. It’s my clinic day, and we have an “immersion” project this week where students from a law school that’s on spring break will come and volunteer for the whole week. and obviously like, there isn’t time for them to observe so they just get thrown into it, and so today was had 8 volunteers which is a lot, especially when none of them have any actual experience with this so you gotta guide them through all of it. initially there was a lot of stress assigning people to cases and making sure we had enough volunteers to cover, at one point we definitely had one too many but I ended up having to reject one anyway so it worked out alright. from there it was just a lot of people running back and forth all day and having to give specific instructions, and of course my computer’s usb ports decided to crap out on me and no longer work which is like, a very crucial function for us because the volunteers fill out the paperwork on their laptops and then transfer it to us on usb drives, so that was a whole deal too. and then there was just like, the worst luck with getting judges, by some miracle all of the orders got granted, but they definitely did some weird stuff marking up the paperwork and just like making decisions that are not actually based in the law. and then I had a phone call with an opposing counsel about an argument for a motion that’s coming up and admittedly I was probably somewhat too candid in my reaction (it’s just that he has a really stupid ass argument that contradicts how the law has been interpreted in every other case in this courthouse, but sure try to argue that) and then he just like totally flipped out and started yelling at me about how rude and disrespectful I was being and was just like “well if you want to be rude then I guess that’s how we’ll play this” and hung up and I was just like.....what the fuck just happened?? and of course because I have no control over my emotions my body promptly decided that I needed to start crying which god I hate so much that I’m twenty fucking seven and can’t control my body’s need to start crying in situations where I very much would not like to be crying anymore than I could when I was fucking four years old and feeling the way. I just, UGH. it wasn’t too bad though, my supervisor (who I share an office with) came in and I told her and she was comforting and that helped me feel a bit better, and then the volunteers came back down and I had to pretend like I wasn’t just crying and I may have been like “oh it’s allergies” once or twice because I just didn’t want to get into it. what I really hate though is like, this was objectively not really a big deal, but I can’t get my mind off of it for the rest of the day and it’s driving me up the wall, and I’m just so peeved at myself for doing that and peeved about how it played out and just concerned about what’s going to happen from here. And I know it’s all probably gonna be fine and not be a huge deal, but like, my desire to have everybody like me is going into overdrive and just flipping out at the possibility that someone’s thinking badly of me, and that’s really what this all comes down to and god I just hate it all so much!! ugh. sigh. anyway. A few more work things before we move on, one of the awful judges (albeit the less awful of the two) is apparently going to be on the bench in one of the courtrooms for the rest of the week because that judge is out, which I was initially like WELL FUCK about because I’m supposed to have a hearing in front of that judge tomorrow, and he’s such a hardass and can be a giant pain on the bench and I just don’t know how that would go. but when I told my supervisor she said he probably won’t actually have the hearing and just reschedule it, because that’s what he usually does apparently. and like, I would be glad to not have to do it in front of him, but at the same time I’m annoyed at the prospect of the case getting stretched out any further because we’ve already had several hearing dates set where it hadn’t gone and like, I was determined to get it done tomorrow but these are just circumstances beyond my control, so there’s not much I can do there. I guess we’ll see what happens. My coworker sent out an email asking if someone could switch clinic days with her for theirs next week because on Thursday which is her clinic day she has this continuous terrible case that has been an ongoing hearing for literally months now. and like, obviously Thursday all the volunteers are still going to be here so it’s still going to be chaotic, but like, looking at the options, it was either going to have to be me or my work buddy to take it, and he has clinic tomorrow so if he did take it he’d have it two days in a row which is a lot (which I know because I’ve done it a lot) and he can sometimes get frazzled when there’s too much stuff going on and I just don’t think that would be a good idea for him. so as draining as today was, I volunteered to take the Thursday clinic day as well because it was really the right thing to do. Hopefully at least the volunteers will have somewhat of a better idea of what they’re doing by then so it’ll be a bit less stressful. I hope, at least. sigh. anyway. I was able to leave work at like 5:20, so not bad for a clinic day. headed home, got some food and my laptop and turned on the tv. Caught tonight’s episode of The Resident, then watched last week’s Black Lightning, then finished up the child abuse doc I was watching on netflix, and finally ended it with an episode of Gotham before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I’m here. well, this was a long one, clearly I had a lot ot get off my chest. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, I’m still kind of unsure about what’s going to happen with the hearing so we’re going to prepare as if we definitely are going to hearing, so I guess we’ll see how that works out, it shouldn’t be too bad since we’ve actually prepped for other hearing dates in the past so it’s nothing too new. I’m just concerned that if the hearing does go the judge might make a very callous decision and end up further traumatizing my client, who’s already been going through a lot, so I really hope that doesn’t happen, either with it not going forward or just the judge being good. alright, that’s all I got. It’s like 12:15 am, I can sleep till 6:30 am tomorrow because I don’t have any morning court, but I should still definitely be getting to sleep, so that’s what I will be doing now. Goodnight babes. Love you lots.

1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

B.

The Search (5/16)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typical violence, Psychological manipulation and trauma Rating: T Synopsis: [Canon Divergence - Alternate S15] The Reds and Blues saved Chorus, but it has been a year and they are still missing. A motley crew has been gathered with the common goal of finding the war heroes, though the road is more troubled than anyone seems to realize.

A/N: YAY. I updated on Thursday again which is like, maybe the first time this week I released something on the right day lol. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty proud of that record. But there’s some more development and some more surprises this chapter, so I hope you guys are prepared ; ) 

Special thanks to @secretlystephaniebrown, @blaireaters, @analiarvb, @cobaltqueen, @notatroll7, Yin, and JP for the comments and feedback!

Resident Troublemakers

“You want us to waltz onto an entire planet-wide prison in the hopes of finding someone who you think is dead?” Dylan attempted to clarify.

The group was gathered in the cockpit of the ship, circled around Doctor Grey whose blistering enthusiasm was something the reporter had only recently come to be wary of like a double edged sword. Especially when, like just that moment, Grey shifted her entire focus on her. The glint in those eyes were certainly something to be wary of, though Andrews as a seasoned reporter kept staring straight back into them.

If they didn’t solve the Reds and Blues mystery sooner rather than later, one of them was likely to crack.

Andrews was determined to not be the one to bring that prophecy to fruition.

“That was a rather condescending spin on my words, Miss Andrews,” Doctor Grey replied flatly.

“It’s a statement of fact,” Dylan replied. “This… President, on Chorus, who you’ve apparently given a direct communication line to from our illegally traveling vessel, is directing us toward a prison planet. And on that planet, according to records from an AI you downloaded at an aggressive force’s base while they tried to kill us, is a former lieutenant who you all believed was dead for years but is somehow listed in the files of Charon Industries.”

“I don’t seem to detect a question among that rabble, Miss Andrews,” Doctor Grey said, hands on her hips.

“Okay, enough with biting each other’s heads off,” Agent Washington interrupted, holding up hands as if to keep both women back away from each other. “Miss Andrews, we understand the risk of having an open communication channel with this much distance between ourselves and Chorus, but we trust President Kimball. She’s one of us. And with Santa running the program from their end, I have confidence in its safety.”

Dylan looked at them all, completely bewildered. “Santa?”

“It’s an amazingly simple but unnecessary story,” Agent Carolina assured her. “But he’s an AI.”

“He,” Dylan repeated with a hum of thought. “But as an AI shouldn’t it… be an it.”

“How rude,” the FILSS AI spoke from the ship’s speakers.

“Yes, almost as rude as questioning the only one who has been pulling their weight on this trip thus far,” Doctor Grey said, cocking her head to the side as she stared holes into Andrews.

“Emily, she has a right to second guess us,” Agent Carolina reminded her. “She doesn’t have the history or experiences with each other that we have.”

“Thank you,” Dylan replied.

“But we don’t have the time to second guess everything. Especially since FILSS has already directed us to the coordinates of the prison where we can find Lieutenant Husk,” Carolina continued.

“Uh, and because someone’s driving us with those coordinates, hello!” Kaikaina Grif snapped from the pilot’s seat. “Sheesh. What’s a girl have to do to get a little recognition every now and then? Take out my tits?”

“No,” Washington snapped while the alien progeny in his seat still began chortling and honking in laughter at the proposal.

“Well, maybe we should make some time,” Dylan interrupted, undeterred. “Because while I may not have the history of the rest of this team, I certainly have the information of what has been going on in the rest of the UNSC ran territories outside of your single colony planet that, until recently, has had no access to the rest of the Earth-bound settlements.”

Carolina leaned in closer, arms crossed. “Alright. As in…?”

“As in the fact that the prison planet you’re taking us to also should be abandoned at this point, though the record has been muddled since the story got buried during the reveal of the Chorusian situation and all of the scandal that ensued from your broadcast,” Dylan explained calmly.

“Should… why isn’t it certain?” Washington asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Because the final transport ship meant to bring all of those remaining convicts to a more permanent habitual situation was never given a final destination. Instead, it was kept in standby, going from one end of the galaxy to the other, keeping the criminals within from contact with any outside legal counsel,” she continued. “It was a huge UNSC scandal, considering the unalienable right to legal representation… until the USS Tartarus conveniently disappeared from radar.”

Immediately, Carolina, Grey, and Washington looked at each other.

“Wasn’t that…” Carolina began.

“It was,” Grey said confidently.

Washington ran a hand through his hair and groaned. “Our lives are a goddamn circle.”

“Or, a Venn diagram, because I’ve been listening this whole time and still don’t know what the eff is going on!” Kaikaina snapped from the front.

“We know about the Tartarus,” Carolina informed both Dylan and Kaikaina. “It was redirected toward Chorus, and many of its crew were utilized by Malcolm Hargrove to fight the armies of Chorus when they were united under Generals Kimball and Doyle.”

Dylan nearly choked on her own breath. “How… What? If that’s… If that’s true, do you realize what kind of story that is? That the Chairman of the Oversight Subcommittee to the UNSC, already dripping in scandal, was involved with the unlawful detention of over one hundred people and then employed them as his own mercenary force? Don’t you have any idea what that means?”

“I know it meant a lot of additional pain and suffering of my people, Miss Andrews,” Doctor Grey said coldly.

“Hey,” Kai shouted out, gripping everyone’s attention. “Aren’t we supposed to be coming up on a, like, ghost planet? Like no one around?”

“If we’ve got all our facts straight, yes,” Carolina answered, turning to face the front of the ship.

“Yeah, okay, well, that shit’s weird then,” Kaikaina informed them.

“What shit, Li’l Grif?” Carolina asked, leaning over her shoulder.

“We are receiving a beacon of approval to land even though I had not requested permission yet,” FILSS answered. “The approval seems to be signed by a Lieutenant Husk.”

“My stars and garters,” Doctor Grey gasped. “Kimball’s information was right — Husk didn’t die in his attempt to get off planet during the height of the war!”

“Or,” Washington interjected, “this is an obvious trap.”

“‘Kay. I see both your sides,” Grif answered, still focusing on the planet ahead. “But what’s that mean for us? Like, Boss Lady, what’s your call?”

All eyes fell onto Carolina as she stood up and looked at the planet squarely.

“Accept the approval and land. We’ve come this far on the information we have,” she answered. “And even if it’s not Lieutenant Husk, then we can still beat the answers out of someone.”

“Whoo! Violence! Can’t say no to that answer! Or they get smacked. That’s the reason it’s always the best option,” Kaikaina announced.

Warily, Dylan glanced between them all. “Of course…” she said lowly, though it did still grab all their attention, “even if this is your Chorus lieutenant… there are questions that you will need to have answered before we can take his word on anything.”

“Of course,” Carolina conceded. “We’ll be on the defensive either way.”

“Now landing on Gliese 163 c of the UNSC mining federation’s industrial detention compound,” FILSS chirped out happily from the speakers.

“We should let me take the head of this, after all Alexander was a lieutenant in the Federal Army of Chorus when he left. He will acknowledge me by my armor and it will be quicker for us to go through the motions and get answers,” Doctor Grey said.

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” Dylan argued, earning an immediate look of ire from the doctor. “Look, we still don’t know that it’s really him. And if it isn’t, then this entire plan is hinging on the relative drop of your guard as the one who would take the most meaning from this person’s presence.”

“I am more than capable of maintaining my sense of self-preservation, Miss Andrews,” Grey snapped. “You may receive fame from recounting the tales of the battlefield, but on Chorus I am known from surviving them, and making sure the population that exists currently also survived it.”

“It was not meant in disrespect,” Dylan bit back, though she knew saying as much through clenched teeth did not exactly help her cause.

“It sounds as if you’re attempting to put yourself at the forefront of this again,” Grey noted. “Which, I should remind us all, did not work out well last time.”

“Grey’s right in that this will be dangerous, Dylan,” Carolina cautioned.

“Despite what apprehensions you all seem to have about reporters, I have scruples and I have lived with more than enough danger,” Dylan answered sternly.

“Yeah, but you don’t have a gun,” Kaikaina suddenly spoke up, twirling a piston on her pointer finger with far too much comfort. “Even I’ve got a gun. Letting you off the ship on a prison planet — ghosts or no ghosts — without a gun would be like letting the alien puppy out. Probably not the best idea.”

“Give me that!” Wash snapped, yanking the gun off Kai’s finger and then handing it back to her with a proper grip. “Giving you a gun is probably not the best idea.”

Dylan was peeved but Kai’s words struck an odd cord with her and suddenly she was looking around the cockpit.

“Um… speaking of which… I don’t… seem to see…” Dylan began to point out.

Everyone else looked around as well before a collective, “JUNIOR!” was screamed in panic.

“Blaaaaaargh.”

It didn’t matter if it was his prep school or if it was Sanghelios or if it was the stupid ship with his father’s eccentric and loud friends — adults were pretty much all the same to Junior. Annoying, slow, and far too reserved.

And slow.

If they were too afraid to venture out into the planet on their own, then it was up to Junior to get the search for his father and the rest of his family underway himself. Just like how the Freelancers still hadn’t left Chorus yet by the time Junior reached there in the stolen Sangheili cruiser.

As much as they may have acted different, it didn’t seem like his father’s other friends were any more prone to actually taking action over just talking than his father and the Reds and Blues had been before them. Everyone in Junior’s life needed a push.

And since Junior wasn’t a great conversationalist himself, he had long decided to be the pusher.

Still, the further he traversed the long, rocky grounds of the prison complex, and the more his every step echoed, the more Junior began to wonder if, just perhaps, his plan for action had been slightly impatient.

Reminding himself that they were supposed to be meeting with a friendly face, Junior sucked in a large gulp of air then cupped his hands around his mouth before letting out a few loud honks.

They echoed against brick and stone walls around him. In the distance, it sounded as though something was crumbling. Like even the abandoned walls of the prison were unsure of what to make of his calls.

Disappointment crossing over him, Junior huffed and lowered his hands before continuing to walk forward.

He might have been young, but Junior had been in enough space ports already in his life that he knew that air control usually had a station near the landing bay. And if they had a clearance granted to them, that meant someone was in the control room there to give it to them.

It was close to a lead as he could have hoped to have.

Looking around, Junior noticed a tower and decided that it — and its tall radio needle atop — were the most likely place to go to for control rooms and any prospected people that might be within it.

He walked forward at a decent pace before hearing another distinct crumbling noise from not that far off.

Surprised, Junior turned to look in its direction.

Once was nothing. Twice was coincidence, albeit heart pounding.

More suspicious than before, Junior began walking again when the third crumbling noise finally pointed him and his fierce, but also fearful, roar in the direction of his follower.

“The alien’s onto us!” someone shouted from the building above.

“Die, Covenant Scum!” someone else screamed.

Junior’s eyes finally found the followers only to see prisoners in orange garb, half covered in swat armor and various other guard gear. Though, most concerning from Junior’s position, was the woman between them whose armor was more military grade — like that of Agent Carolina or Washington — who came up between them and pulled a rocket launcher from over her shoulder.

“Blargh—“ Junior began to curse.

“JUNIOR!”

Agent Washington hit Junior at full force before he could process that it was the Freelancer’s voice screaming at him. They rolled — Wash holding to Junior tight — into the nearest space between the opposing buildings just before a giant explosion ate up the very ground where Junior had previously stood.

“When this is all over, you better believe I’m going to tell your father about this,” Wash snapped, breathing heavily from their near escape.

Honking, Junior worriedly tried to express that they needed to do something but he began hearing gunshots and the thunks of combat.

“Yeah, your Aunt Carolina’s a bit pissed to,” Wash warned.

Moaning, Junior covered his face with his hands.

today was a hard day. harder than they’ve been in a while. I got to bed at like 3 am last night so I was pretty tired and slept in till like 12 something. I went on my phone while lying in my bed and checked my email, where I had an reply from the public guardian’s office (where I interned in law school) informing me that I hadn’t been selected for an interview after initially telling me they would contact me to schedule one shortly. This was....totally gutting. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I had the experience, they were doing interviews, this was supposed to be a shoo-in. This was the job that I had been holding out for all this time and then it was just gone. I started crying and couldn’t stop for a solid half hour. the first thing I did was send an email to my mentor/former supervisor from there who is retired now but was a very prominent member of the office for like 25 years, so I just told him and that I was pretty destroyed about this. He got back to me fairly quickly, trying to assure me that things would be okay and that he was going to call the deputy PG tomorrow and find out what’s going on (he’s actually on vacation in Arizona till the 28th but he’s still taking time to call tomorrow while on vacation because he’s awesome). I’m trying not to get my hopes up that he’ll be able to do something, because I really don’t know if he will or not and I don’t know what the factors were that influenced this decision. It just doesn’t make any sense to me, I was supposed to be the perfect candidate....I guess unless they didn’t want to hire attorneys right out of law school? I know a hella lot more about the child welfare system than some hack who’s worked in personal injury for five years though...it just doesn’t add up. But I guess at some point I’m going to have to deal with the fact that this happened and this isn’t the road I’m going to go down. It’s just difficult because pretty much all the other prospects I’ve been getting have been firms that want me to work late every night and come in on the weekends and like....it’d already be an area of law I didn’t actually want to work in, but to be taking up all my time and not letting me see my friends? that sounds like actual hell, not to mention my health is always shit and would not respond well to working 60 hours a week. The whole thing was with the government I’d be limited to 40 hours, anywhere else is kind of all bets are off....so I feel really anxious about that. But I went to the job boards and started looking, at least got like 5 or so applications in today, some firms but also an appellate state’s attorney position which could be interesting (and I mean, it’d be government, so that could work) and the legal counsel position for a children’s hospital here in Chicago that’s a big deal, and I mean I don’t have experience in health law but I can argue I have experience working with kids in and outside of the legal field and have a lot of experience working with law that directly impacts kids, so I guess we’ll have to see where that goes. Not long after I finished the applications (while watching The Americans after listening to a podcast episode) I got an email back from a firm asking if I could come in for an interview this week, so that’s going to happen on Thursday hopefully. It was funny because I almost didn't apply to that position because I felt like I didn't have any experience in their field of law, but it could be good, I guess we’ll have to see (they do copyright defense and aviation law regarding drones which sounds interesting?? and part of the job post said a lot of it would be communicating with clients via phone about copyrights and such which sounds like it could be cool), but that was encouraging at least. I kept watching The Americans while I got a few other things done until The Gifted came on at 8. It was a good episode, I’m glad Andy came back to his family at the end and that Lorna is finally away from the inner circle and with Marcos, and that Jace was finally having to deal with facing the emotional consequences about what he's done. I went back to The Americans afterwards, I’m in season 4 now and it’s getting really good (but Nina! sad). The show is very serious obviously but it’s definitely become enjoyable to watch. and yeah, I did that until I showered and started to get ready for bed and now I’m here. I guess I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout of it all, it was something I had set my hopes on for a long time now, I thought it was definitely my easiest route into working in the system and eventually working for a nonprofit and now I’m just like now what? Nothing is going according to plan. This is the whole damn reason I wanted to go to law school, and now I can’t use my legal degree for it? And I mean, if I don’t have what it takes to get hired by them out of law school who the hell is good enough to get hired by them right out of law school?? because I know they do hire people right out of law school and you can’t possibly more experienced than I am in this area, I’m literally the gold standard here, I did everything right....and still nothing. It just doesn’t make any sense. I’m reminded though that shortly before the new year someone had posted on one of my fb groups about having a “theme” word for the year and I thought it was a nice idea, and decided mine was going to be “trust” as in trust God that his plan and his timing will do what’s needed, and I know this is just another area I need to trust that He’s bringing me to the right place in. It’s so hard when I can’t see what He’s doing at all, but I know my perspective is so limited compared to His. So I’m trying to trust and pray, and be open to whatever comes down the path, that’s really the best thing I can do at this point. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that anything will result from my mentor talking to them, but I can’t help but hold out some hope in the back of my mind that he’ll be able to fix it, but I keep telling myself it’s a shot in the dark and I have no way of knowing what’s gonna happen with it. So we go forward and see what happens with the job interview on Thursday. Forward, always, that’s what I said when I got my tattoo fixed with an arrow over the scar from my wrist surgery. So we’re moving forward, one way or another, trusting that I’ll make it to the right place. Sigh. It’s past 1 am now so I should probably be getting to bed. Goodnight babes. Hope you had a better day than me.