#I feel like this pressure to curate is part of the reason I left tumblr and it's even worse now BUT I'm not going anywhere | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xanderwithanx · 3 years

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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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twistedapple · 4 years

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Bianca Bosconero - Snow White stayed in the wild (part 2)

The second part is here and will contain the Bosconero twins’ background from Bianca’s point of view. I’m honestly tempted to say that her general profile is an overview and this post is more relevant in regard to the sort of person she is, how she evolved and where she personally is at the time of Yuu’s arrival. It’ll certainly provide more in-depth informations than her profile (though I’ll try to keep it at a reasonable length for an easier read - and because I have a good amount of things to cover).

Links to Bianca’s profile and the twins’ overview post (which has been swallowed by goddamn Tumblr so if that site could stop bullying us #twisted wonderland users, that’d be great thx). Now I’m taking a short break before doing a post regarding her magic and her sister’s full profile and backstory. I’m also considering rewriting a part of Bianca’s backstory from another character’s point of view as well (you’ll understand when you’ll read this post)...

Without further ado...

On a cold winter morning, a woman pricked her finger while spindling. As a drop of blood fell on the floor, she found herself wishing for a girl with hair dark as night, skin white as snow and lips red as blood to the honored ancestor of the family, commonly known as the Green Man rather than an actual name. Nobody really knows who - or what - the Green Man really is, but through the Bosconero family he provided a lineage strong with sorcerers and alchemists, and sometimes his passed down powers would surge in a family member as an uncommon magical ability. Because of the Green Man’s ties to the land and the seasons, it was common in the family to develop magical abilities tied to earthen powers - and it didn’t spare the current generation when, nine months later, on a foggy first day of November, twin girls made their entrance to the world right on time for the yearly Autumn celebrations customary to the Valley of Thorns, when it was said the Green Man would end a cycle of life for it to start anew in the following months.

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- Bianca, Neve, you did an excellent work with that charm.

- Beauty and talent, with those, you will be able to properly carry the name of our house! Now try again, to make sure you have mastered it.

- Yes mother, father...

- No! How are you supposed to represent us if you cannot repeat such a simple task?

- Failure is not an option with our name on the line.

- Sorry, mother, father...

- We will try again.

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While there was a widely known reputation for the inhabitants of the Valley of Thorns to remain fairly isolated, partly due to the fear their overlords, House Draconia, would inspire, it didn’t mean none of them were socially active. The Bosconero household was a prime example of it, with a historically strong tie to the magical community as a whole, as well as a fairly large social network that would cover both the Valley and other places. One of the most well-known figure of the family was the great sorceress Margherita Bosconero who, during her time at the head of the Magic Council, had pushed revolutionary reforms regarding the regulations and teachings of magic. She was also the one who had taught Crimilde Bosconero everything she knew and in turn, Crimilde was determined to raise her daughters to a level fitting their rank - and possibly reach new heights as well.

As such, Bianca and Neve’s chilhood was filled with a variety of lessons and acitivities to meet familial expectations at every level. They were taught everything there was to know about etiquette, learned about history, science and literature in order to develop their ability to discuss about anything with anyone, They learned about the importance of an impeccable presentation - the first impression always mattered, after all -, which involved many details, such as a proper posture, a sensible sense of fashion, the many ways one could use their body language to convey or hide thoughts and feelings. They were taught about all the proper activities a lady was expected to master, such as spinning wool, creating embroideries, weaving delicate patterns, singing and playing instruments beautifully, writing and drawing with an elegant precision.

And then, there was the study of magic. If Crimilde was generally strict in the way her daughters were being educated, she was exceptionally so when it came to that side of their lessons. The family had a reputation and the two girls had to uphold it in the best way possible. Adding to that was the pressure to see if one of them hopefully had the family’s Gift - not having it was not an issue in itself, however it was deemed an incredibly valuable element for the sake of added prestige. For that reason, Crimilde would show a worryingly increasing degree of ruthlessness while overseeing the education of her daughters over time. The girls would be praised when they executed their exercises in a satisfactory manner, and put down when a failure happened. They would be subtly pitted against each other, in the hope this competition would push them to go further in their study.

Then, the Gift showed itself during a lesson of defensive magic, revealing at the same time Bianca’s unique magic. Twisted branches appeared from the ground and envelopped Bianca, its long thorns piercing her clothes and skin in many places. Then pitch black started writhing and Bianca has no recollection of what happened next. She woke up two days later, bandages here and there and an elated Crimilde by her side. The Gift had sprung up again, and in a spectacular manner! As a proof of its power, Bianca had entered a state of overblot - which had been swiftly stopped by Crimilde. From this point onward, Bianca became the center of attention of the family and had to meet even higher expectations.

It’s around this time that the sisters were introduced to social life in the magical world, participating in various gatherings, meeting people from various regions of the world and discovering new places as well. After all, one of the strong points regarding the Bosconero family’s standing was their ability to curate their network and generally be part of the socialites. And there was no better publicity than the announcement of the Gift surging yet again. Yet, a dissonance started growing. Promised child only when success was met, promised child only when smiling to other people was required. Again and again, to appease her mother she started taking it out on herself and unconsciously compromised her own sense of self everytime. Worst of all, she was on her own, the entire situation having caused a rift to grow between her and Neve, who was left behind in her shadow the whole time.

However, the situation went in the opposite direction when it came to light that Bianca, for all of her abilities and best efforts, had an issue that was deemed unsolvable. Contrary to her sister’s not-as-impressive magical powers, yet steady growth, her own was irregular and more and more punctuated with times off magic to reduce a blotting that happened faster than it should have. A point was reached, during which Crimilde simply expressed her immeasurable disappointment by deeming Bianca as defectuous, and then proceeded to report all the attention to Neve instead, certain that she was the one who should have had the Gift instead. Then, everything became incredibly obvious, and Bianca started realising with horror the dissonance she’d been putting herself through in order to keep going.

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- Neve... Neve!

-... It’s the middle of the night, go away!

- We need to talk.

- Wha-... Now?

- Yes, it’s the only moment when we’re left alone.

- What do you want?

-... Are you ok with that entire situation we’re in?

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Bianca tossed, again and again. Every night, for days, she tossed in her bed as she was carefully pondering her situation and the action she should take to get out of it - to save herself.

Lately, she’d been having this oppressive feeling, something writhing and screaming deep inside. She’d been feeling wary too - a peculiar feeling considering how young she still was by the Valley’s standards. Getting up with the knowledge that it was yet another day during which she’d have to become her parents’ adorable and quiet girl was heavy. Getting up with the knowledge that another surge, another mistake, would lead to the reminder that her sister was doing much better than her despite her lacking the gift bestowed by the Green Man. Yet she had to tolerate it, for the love of her parents, the love of her sister, and the necessity for the family to appear united.

Yet as time passed, it was making her sick. She felt like a monkey repeating tricks for whoever would lie their eyes on her. But she had to give a good impression, right? And uphold the status of her family, both in the Valley and in the magical world, right? It was her duty as the newest generation of Bosconero, after all... And she didn’t want any of it any more. This made her feel like a spoiled child, and the guilt born from it only served to make everything feel even worse. The worst part was when her family would participate in social gatherings, unknowingly having her observe other people the same way she’d observe her parents; direct interactions meant a work of reading the situation at various levels: what was said, what was meant... And what remained hidden. Over time, Bianca’s attention to details had been honed to the point she was able to swiftly adjust to any reaction just so she could obtain the safest result. This very situation had also led her to bury herself.

Again and again.

Bury herself, always deeper, to just choke and decay in an abandoned corner of her mind. After all, her very being felt unwanted. Yet, she had recently realised there was still a door to open when she noticed a tight knot in her chest at the view of a son and his father, during a social gathering like all the ones before. Until that pang, she thought she’d grown accustomed to that fleeting feeling of longing she’d occasionally have; it seems she had misjudged herself, though. And since then, the thought of a flight across the night sky, on her broom and with a simple luggage for companion kept following her. It’d be foolish to think someone would come for her, if she wanted to get her life under control, she had to do it herself. And she did it, after having heavily pondered on her situation, after having tried to convince her twin sister to come with her - to no avail, Neve was completely bound to the family and deluding herself as her own mean of survival.

So Bianca took off on her own one night, to fly as far as she could, disappear for a while and settle somewhere peaceful.

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- Back when we met, you talked about motivations, but there’s one you never told me.

- Do you want the straight-to-the-point version or the flowery one?

- Whichever expresses best what you had in mind back then.

- Alright. Then I’ll have you know, kings and princes become much less scary when you consider they sit on their ass the same way everybody else does. It’s easier to treat them as actual persons when one perceives titles as overrated.

-... Straight to the point, indeed. I’d almost be offended.

- That’s why I kept it to myself~ ♪

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The knowledge of fauna and flora imparted by her parents revealed itself useful for Bianca’s survival in the wild. At that point, she simply didn’t feel like dealing with more people, and wouldn’t risk it either - she had her own trail to clean up after in the first place, showing herself would be a liability for the time being. So she took the decision of going on a personal quest instead, momentarily abandoning all sort of connection to focus on herself instead. For the first time in her life, she had the possibility to do so and was in bad need of self-examination as well. Observing other people and comparing various situations to her own had made her realise something was off, and not just about her situation. Her very person had been moulded in a manner that would be sure to please other people, to do so she had sacrificed her will, thoughts and feelings again and again, until she found herself choking from self-loathing and incomprehension. She needed to find herself again, figure out where this Bianca had been buried. There was simply no room for others at that point in her life.

That is how her life in the wild started. As she went on a personal quest to find herself, she wandered left and right across the Valley, most of the times lost in her own clouds. It... Was not the greatest moment of her life. A lot of poison to swallow, truths to realise and accept, and then her own magic surging and occasionally going out of control - as if it was reacting to her own struggle and taking out what had been internalised for so long. Fear, anger, slackness, euphoria, giddiness... All of these feelings either shut down by Bianca or unwanted by her parents would feed her summonings and twist the world around her. Parts of the Valley where she dwelt for a time ended up gaining a fairly dark reputation over time, while she was giving herself time to work things out. It was writhing inside and out, and worst of all was the guilt of her incapacity to get her sister out of here as well. Of having left her behind and alone. It’s a period of her life where time somehow lost its meaning, distorted by her constant fights against herself for the sake of mastery. It’s ugly, dirty, foggy, and she remains elusive about it, merely sharing her surprising experience with general survival - both physical and mental. The most important lesson of these dark times is, however, a surprising yet massively important one for Bianca: she learned not only to fight, but to let go as well as years of poison built up in her heart was being absorbed and transformed into something new.

Once she got back on her feet, with a stronger foundation, the second step of her plan started. As she decided to keep using her knowledge in botanic, Bianca decided to pass for a wise woman, the sort that lives isolated in the forest and that people go seek in secret to relieve all sorts of ailments. She changed her name to Hilda and kept wandering around, even though she opted to dwell in the same place for a longer period of time. The look of a maiden and the wisdom of a crone, as well as her elusive nature, gave birth to some strange stories that would feed the local folklore. A young woman stealing people’s soul, an old woman protecting the hearth, a dreadful witch leading a charge across the sky and the thick forests of the Valley of Thorns... It’s when they met, too.

Under blue moon, she saw him, as she approached guided by Idle, her slythering summon which was acting as her watchful eyes that night. Hidden at first, Bianca silently skirted around the tall, horned man while keeping an eye on him. They had never met before, yet she was aware of how he looked because of who he was - as such, Malleus Draconia’s silhouette was unmistakeable and it had her worried. Her personal situation had nothing legal to it and getting caught would lead to troubles that could easily reach further the family circle. However, he seemed very much alone and was inspecting the area without showing any sign of alert - on the contrary, he was the one who put her in that state when he called out while giving a long look at his surroundings.

- This place isn’t abandoned anymore, there are traces of magic... Show yourself!

Bianca only had a few seconds to ponder on her decision. She could stay safe and hidden, and figure out how to keep him at bay. She could also comply to not push his patience - her luck - and maybe reduce the gravity of her situation by showing some good will. Either way, the risk was to make the situation worse and more political. So she took a deep breath to regain her composure and opted for the course of action she knew best, for she had been practicing it long enough to hone it: smile and stay light-hearted, gauge the situation in silence.

- Now that’s a visit I certainly never saw coming. Not even a guard?

Glowing green eyes fell on her as she came out of her hiding spot, cheeky half-smile plastered on her face. It felt pretty rude of her to conceal her intentions to the Crown Prince himself, but old habits die hard and she needed to see where she stood before making her next move. Though, having grown accustomed to dealing with a human population, she considered the fearsome reputation the Draconia household had while observing Malleus back. Why was he here, alone, in the middle of the night? There were these questions, and the fact that for everything the reputation stated about him, Malleus Draconia didn’t exactly feel like a terrifying being. If anything, he seemed oddly out of place, in Bianca’s opinion. Besides, nothing would be as anxiety inducing as her parents, in her eyes.

- Wasn’t this place supposed to be abandoned? It was, last time I strolled around.

- ... Strolled around? Well, I settled in fairly recently, was even planning to rearrange a part of the garden to grow some stuff for myself... Look, is there a part of the area you’d rather have me leave untouched? I don’t really care, I’m pretty much passing by anyway, and I’m all alone so I don’t need much room.

Initially taken aback by his reply, Bianca was quick to get back on her feet and react in a decisive manner to try and distract from the fact she wasn’t even supposed to roam around and settle the way she’d been doing in the first place. In turn, Malleus’ composed expression changed to surprise as she stated her proposition. Then surprise left place to something more thoughtful, before settling for a visibly amused smile.

- Negociating? Do you realise who you are talking to?

- ... Oh yes, I do, but my motivations for this negociation are better left for when we’re more hm acquainted with each other. So, is it a good enough reason for you to still feel comfortable hanging around?

Under blue moon, they kept meeting up and grew to enjoy each other’s company. His strong interest for gargoyles amused her, but her own interest for anything historical made their escapades to the four corners of the Valley of Thorns all the more pleasant. As habits begun to settle, they learned to read each other and it slowly downed on Bianca that she was growing attached to Malleus and everything that made him who he was. She simply couldn’t help noting the smallest details and appreciating each of them. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, how accidentally stern and teacher-like he would feel when sharing his hobby in the most serious fashion, his pout revealing more of his feelings than he could hide... And then there were heavier topics, chief of them his sense of isolation. Granted, Bianca wasn’t the best person in that regard since she was enjoying being on her own for the moment. Still, she understood the feeling and its implications, and didn’t judge his occasional discreet awkwardness - translated into a rather forward way of expressing himself, to the point of being odd and somehow backed by a logic only people who lacked proper social interactions would demonstrate.

In return, she made an effort to be more open in the way she expressed her thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t easy since hiding and using them as strategic cards had been ingrained in her - it was, in fact, one the toughest habits she had to get under control to feel like a functional person. It was even harder because she had taken the decision to keep her Hilda persona around Malleus as well. It hadn’t been a pleasant decision to make, but she kept fearing a potential escalation of her issues - besides, Bianca wasn’t one to wash her dirty clothes in public, and so she preferred keeping the full extent of her issues to herself out of a sense of privacy. After all, she had set out on her own, her alone had to deal with the consequences of this decision. Nobody else would be dragged in. Yet these secrets weighted on her shoulders and she couldn’t help feeling guilty as he was being so pleasantly open to her. A part of her felt like she didn’t deserve so much kindness from him.

Yet, under blue moon their relationship took a new turn, on a night when Malleus was helping Bianca settle in yet another hiding place. If he had questions regarding her situation and her habit to hop from place to place after a while, he kept them to himself but didn’t hide the occasional long stares with a thoughtful look - a graceful gesture the hedge witch became aware of over time and appreciated. However, for all of her observations, she never foresaw that one night coming, mostly because she never expected such a thing to happen to her in the first place. The details of what led to this situation still escape her to this day, but the most important ones remain: a look exchanged and something in reaction that caused her breath to hitch, his discreet scent like tea, soft spices and winter fire, the warm feeling of skin against skin and a tingle spreading through her body, leaning into the sensation to get more of it. Soon, fingers found their way through hair and things started to heat up... Then stopped, as Malleus was holding a strand of her hair and looking at it, then at her, with a surprised look.

- You did tell me about those magical surges of yours... But I had never seen that sort of thing happen before. Did you?

- What are you talking abo- blackthorns blossoms? No, that one is definitely new, though oddly specific. I wonder what could have caus-

Then it downed on her as she mentally considered the nature and properties of blackthorn tree. It seemed her own magic had a sense of humour and she was its victim, because the choice of plant was oddly appropriate, both in regard to the situation it decided to appear and mix in her hair, and in regard to the person that was involved in it. Bianca got redder by the second as she blurted out her explanation, eliciting the most charming reaction from Malleus in the process.

- To put it simply, I’d say you... You-made-me-bloom. Literally.

- Pff... Hahahaha well at the very least, know that the blackthorn suits you perfectly.

- You’re enjoying it all, aren’t you?

-Oh, I enjoy it a lot.

Shortly after this event, Bianca’s cover as Hilda the hedge witch was destroyed. As she lowered her guard more and more around Malleus, she became complacent as well, and that’s how she made the mistake of leaving traces for her mother’s assistant, Erico, to follow. Up until now, her parents had waited for her to come home, and her mother had sent the man when she realised her runaway of a daughter had no intention of coming back. Following her had proven difficult, between the erratic patterns she had either purposefully or accidentally created and her cautious nature, she’d proven more elusive than expected. Not surprising, considering the roots of her magic. The wild itself was her domain to rule over, the twisted magical left overs of some of her early rampages had proven so when he went and observed them.

Under blue moon, Bianca found herself cornered and felt an anxiety she thought she had managed to overcome hold her in a metaphorical chokehold again. And when Erico called her name - her actual name -, it felt like the first of a series of slaps in her face as the new reality she had built for herself fell apart. A magical fight ensued, during which Bianca noticed for the first time how far she’d come with her small but steady, daily practice. Had she stayed home, she would never have been to reach that level of mastery - even though she still had to summon Folly, a large dog-like beast, as well as sets of thick blackthorn bushes to keep the assistant at bay. As they finally came to a standstill, Bianca holding him with bushes full of long thorns slowly getting tighter around him, negociations started and poison flowed.

- Lady Bianca, you have to come home, your parents are concerned about your safety!

- My safety? Or the fact that I may cause a smear on their good name? Unless it’s an interest for what I bear? Concerned about me as a person, I don’t think so. Tell me, what do you think of my current magical abilities?

-... You’ve grown, Lady Bianca, but you’re still young and -

- Do you think I owe that growth to them? The very persons who threw me away because of what they considered a defect? The only reason they want me back is because I carry our family’s Gift. It makes me no better than some broken tool, just because I blot too quickly. But here, outside, I managed to become a person again, and it’s all my work, I don’t owe the family a single thing! Do you think I will allow you, or anybody else to take that away from me? Do you really think that?

- My lady please, at least come back home to share your sister’s burden - ACK!

- Share her burden? She chose to be on her own. But please, keep spouting that sort of nonsense, see what my thorns think of it!... You’ll bring a proof back to my mother. Something to show her that it’s pointless to follow a dead trail.

On these softly threatening words, Bianca went to her current hiding spot, leaving Folly to keep watch over the assistant. A dead trail it would be, as she ramaged through her stuff and got out to prepare a simple transforming charm. Quickly, animal bones got turned into humanoid bones, which she wrapped in a dark fabric.

- Since you were following orders, I’ll let you go back to my family, but you’ll bring them these bones. Tell them this it what you found at the end of the trail. You’ll be freed from this cat and mouse game in the process, isn’t it nice? Your Lady Bianca Bosconero is dead.

After she released the assistant from her magical hold and saw him off with the fake bones, Bianca collapsed on herself. Even though she had clearly gotten better at handling her magic, pushing her limit and walking it like a tightrope, it was still exhausting. In bad need of a rest, she considered not using magic for a little while to be the safest option if she wanted to recover properly. What she didn’t consider was Malleus witnessing the end of that exchange as he refrained from joining her, seeing that she was very obviously in quite the situation.

-... Bianca Bosconero? From the Bosconero household? Is it who you are?

----------

M., I think this will be the last letter between us for a while. I’m sorry things have come to that, but you know I don’t want you to be needlessly involved in my personal mess. I’ll try to figure a new way out, I’ll let you know as soon as it happens. In the mean time, please take good care of yourself. I love you.

----------

Malleus didn’t take her lie well and let it known through his scowl. However, he accepted to listen to her, and Bianca chose to talk about her situation, for the first time in years. It was clumsy and oddly unemotional in some parts, as she tried to be as detached from her recounting as possible. She remained afraid of letting to many things out, because she knew she’d break if she were to do it. Bianca wasn’t ready to break yet. Even though she had learned to let go, there were still things she desperately held onto to keep her head up. By the end of her explanations, Malleus’ scowl had left place to a more thoughtful expression. They spent the entire night together, and he kept coming back in the following days. His kindness went straight to her heart.

Once she recovered from the encounter with her mother’s assistant, he offered to help her work on her magic by being her sparing partner. She decided to focus mostly on defensive magic, fully aware that once her mother would have realised she’d been tricked by the bones, there was a high chance that she’d make the next moves herself. She needed to be ready to deal with what was coming her way, especially when it would come the woman who’d been trained directly by Margherita Bosconero. As such, having a proper set of spells to defend and attack, as well as an increased mastery of her unique magic, was necessary. The latter, in particular, had the possibility to provide Bianca a control of the field as long as she paced herself properly and kept a clear, focused mind.

Facing her mother was probably one of the hardest things Bianca ever had to do in her life. Not simply because of her power, but because of the terror she inspired her despite not having seen each other for a long time. Bianca held her ground for a surprisingly long time thanks to the preparations she had done with Malleus’ help, but in the end it prove to no avail. She was still too young and too swayed by her emotions. When the blot started to accumulate to much, when her mother’s onslaught of spells started getting past her defenses, Bianca felt herself fail and a sinking feeling, deep inside her, that she thought she had managed to keep under control, grew and made her crumble in the end.

Bianca’s home became her golden cage. She found herself sitting inbetween parents who not only viewed her as a general failure, but as a disappointment as well, while her sister remained... Cold. Bianca never asked what had been happening during her absence, but the way her sister held herself - as if she was a new version of their mother, was disturbing to witness. With that in mind, she started isolating herself more and more, both in the house and in her own mind in order to escape the pain her new situation was giving her. Reading and writing became her hobbies to kill time in a pleasant way and express herself in a way that wouldn’t cause harm to anybody. She also sent letters to Malleus regularly with the help of Sly, her twisted bird-like summon, and kept his replies well hidden. Not being able to see him was painful and even worse was the news that her mother had caught on Sly’s flights and was preparing a spell to make sure it would stop. When Idle, ever the watchful eyes, had reported on that, Bianca’s heart sank and she immediately prepared her last letter to Malleus, not knowing when they’d be able to read or even see each other again. On a sentimental impulse she still wasn’t used to, she decided to bluntly state her feelings as a promise to find a way out of her current predicament.

Then, her days slowly became awfully similar and a numbness started overtaking her with time. It felt like being back to square one, with no way out this time. Bianca silently despaired in a house that made it clear she was unwanted, yet had to remain to pay for the shame she had brought her family. It ate away at her will in an insidious manner, until an unexpected saving grace, in the form of an invitation, arrived for her. Bianca and Neve both received an invitation to study magic, but in different schools. While Neve was called by Royal Sword Academy, Bianca was meant to attend Night Raven College. It didn’t bother her, quite the contrary. She was elated at the idea of leaving the house for some years and the news alone was enough to help her find some energy back.

On the day the carriage containing the coffin that led to Night Raven College arrived, Bianca’s surprise increased when she saw a familiar silhouette ready to pass through the coffin-like door. The only reason she kept her composure was because Malleus wasn’t alone - next to him stood a smaller man with a boyish face. Lilia Vanrouge. As she was about to break into a run, Bianca managed to stop at the last second and proceeded to politely salute the two fae before following them through the door. During the entrance ceremony, amidst the whispers caused by Malleus’ presence at the college - a surprising turn of event, considering he was already among the best sorcerers world-wide -, both were sorted into different dorms by the Mirror. While Malleus joined Lilia in Diasomnia, Bianca found herself in Pomefiore, and nearly lost it as soon as the name was uttered by the Mirror. Of course, she had to be sent to the place where the most ambitious ones tended to be found.

A few days later, as they settled in their dorms, Malleus and Bianca met under blue moon. For the first time since they met, Bianca didn’t hide a thing - didn’t even try to. Tears gathered and rolled, taking away with them the exhaustion accumulated over time. Her head rested on his shoulder and she basked in the gentle blend of tea, soft spices and winter fire she’d missed more than she expected. Being in different dorms and in different classes meant they couldn’t see each other as often as they’d like, yet the occasional meeting was good enough for them. Besides, a single year didn’t mean that much.

During that same year, Bianca started working a new solution out to counter her family’s power over her. She managed to get hired as part-time library assistant and poured much of her free time into the study of legislation. Her grades suffered as a consequence, but she waved it away, considering it a lesser immediate priority. She also took it upon herself to approach Lilia at some point during the year, in order to get further advices regarding the details of certain laws and how they applied in the Valley of Thorns. Considering Lilia’s age and experience, she deemed him a reliable source of information on the subject. By the end of the year, she reached out to the school’s staff and decided to be open about her issues and how it would impact her life in the following year. Not certain about her capacity to deal with everything at the same time, she asked for an authorisation to sacrifice her second year. If the request was initially received with a certain reluctance, arguing that dealing with her personal issues as quickly as possible would allow her to concentrate on her studies later on seemed to convince her teachers and the headmaster.

As a consequence, she was fairly inactive as a student during that second year, busy working at the library and figuring out a way to at least obtain legal emancipation with the help of a counsellor. If the magic way didn’t work, Bianca hoped the legal way would do the trick. And by the end of that second year, it did. It may have brought a debt and a repeat of the year, but Bianca considered it a worthy sacrifice for her peace of mind.

This is where she is now, as her new second year starts. Sitting in front of a mirror, in her dorm uniform, she adds some subtle touches to a makeup of the dramatic sort, created solely to go with the outfit and meant to signal a turn in her life, an affirmation of who she is as a person. After all, considering how this year’s entrance ceremony went as a non-magic wielding human and a beast caused havoc in the Hall of the Mirror, this year certainly promised to be interesting.

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland oc #twst oc #OC #Bianca Bosconero #backstory #watch me try to nuke the canon story with my stuff #watch the canon story retaliate #at least I'm following canon infos when it comes to Malleus #also they're cute dumb teens and it's nice to write stuff about them #it warms my cold dead heart #it's also a nice break because a third of that story was legit depressing to work on #HOLY SHIT IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO WORK ON THAT BABY

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slytherflynn · 4 years

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The Return of Slytherflynn | Witch Weekly No. 1

Salutations, witches and wizards! Slytherflynn here. I haven’t posted on this account in a long time. My reason? Actually, there are a few. I’ll get to those soon. Today I’m going to give you an introduction to me, discuss why my exodus happened, and what this blog will consist of moving forward. Let’s jump right in!

Who Is Slytherflynn? Who else? My name’s Eden, but my last name is Flynn, hence the username. I am a Slytherin primary, Hufflepuff secondary. My patronus is a dolphin, so that’s pretty cool. I’m mixed, but live the life of a white girl because I look white and don’t care to argue with people about my DNA. I enjoy elevating underrepresented voices, and will go to any length to protect the unprotected. I’d consider myself to be a humanitarian. I know people despise labels, but I believe choosing labels wisely can give others a great insight into who you are as a person, so here are some labels I identify with: Bisexual, Androgynous, BLM Ally, Liberal, Socialist, University Student, Abuse Survivor, ADHD, Excoriation Disorder, OCD, Depression, PTSD, [an] Attachment Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Tacoman, Creator. There are plenty more I could throw out there, but those in particular are important to me. Make of them what you will, but know that I am not ashamed of any of those. I am going to open a nonprofit center supporting POC Youth and connected communities in art and education, but I also want to do everything. Now that you know about me...

Who Are You? Yes, you, reading this paper! What do we have in common? Different? What makes you special, and what makes you the same? What communities are you tied to? Tell me in the replies!

My Magical Journey I grew up in a dreadfully muggle world. My mother, also a muggle, delighted in Harry Potter, as did my brothers. I was resolutely a Harry Potter hater, and thought they were too fangirly, but when Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out and I saw Louis Cordice portray Blaise Zabini, everything changed. I may or may not have gone off the deep end and started fangirling over him - what? He’s attractive, okay? But I did end up reeling myself in, as having unrealistic fictional crush is one thing, but thirsting for an unattainable person who probably is married with a kid by now is another, and I didn’t want to get to a point where I was fetishizing someone rather than admiring them for their skills and unique perspective on the world. He did notice my thirsting though, and thought it was funny! So no harm, no foul as far as I’m concerned. Absolute win! Anyways, after becoming a fan of him, Tumblr let me know that there was more content about Blaise Zabini in the books than the movies, so what did I do? Commit to reading all seven, because my ADHD said so and would rather do that than homework. Eventually, I started up this side blog so my main blog wouldn’t be so flooded with hp content. I have written quite a few fics, all appropriate, all probably trash because most of them were written in my junior year of high school, all available for you to read. I ought to make a masterlist for my work, now that I think about it. Anyways, you can find that content and other fun stuff under the tag #slytherflynn so check that out for some light, probably shitty reading!

Why I Left At some point, I decided not to post as much, and went from 100 to 0, real quick. I have a bunch of unfinished writing in my drafts, and I’m not really sure how to start up everything again, but I know I want to, because writing and creating is such a passion of mine, and so is Harry Potter. Part of the reason I left was because I’m a perfectionist and felt this need to make every post perfect, my feed perfectly curated, everything perfectly on time, and I ended up holding myself to a standard that I just can’t meet - no human could, not even Hermione Granger, as evidenced in Prisoner of Azkaban. It took a long time to come back to this blog because I burnt myself out, truth be told. That perfectionism carries over into every aspect of my life - I did mention I want to do everything, after all - and I ended up piling so much up that I couldn’t get all of it done. I felt guilty every time I thought about this blog, because I had so many faithful followers that I essentially abandoned without warning, and I know feeling abandoned isn’t a good feeling. That, and I still couldn’t shake the shame surrounding the fact that I wasn’t posting content every week despite my want to. I even considered deleting this blog! Sorry to anyone who was waiting for me to post hp content on my main account ( @id-rather-be-an-outsider ), I got too anxious to do that, even.

Seeing the Future I’m not skilled at Divination, but I can confirm that I will be making an official return to this blog - complete with Witch Weekly articles whenever I have updates to give! I have at least one short fic finished that I’d like to create a moodboard for and post on here sometime soon. This time around, I’m only going to be posting when I really want to so I’m not putting any pressure on myself, and I’m going to open up asks for you guys to request writing for pairings (note that I do not write smut), as well as giving you guys the opportunity to submit stories - my goal for submissions is to elevate PoC and other voices the masses don’t usually hear, and I encourage those who do submit to always self-promote in their author’s note! You can find the guidelines for post submissions on my submission section :)

Goodbyes Since we are reaching the end of this article, I’m going to be officially saying goodbye to: negativity, destructively high and unrealistic expectations, anxiety, writer’s block, artist’s block, fear of under 10 notes (notes shouldn’t matter, but yakno, there’s still gonna be that part of me that knows bad writing probably won’t be getting 10 notes so it’s still... scary), fear of unfair criticisms, defensiveness... and hello to: creativity, letting our hair down, wearing our glasses, posts on the witching hour, going to bed early instead of staying up late to force out a piece, perfectly imperfect writing, pretty moodboards, and making mistakes! Hope to see you all soon with a post, and Happy Pride! My city’s official Pride month is July so I get to celebrate Pride twice, lucky me!

be loving <3 - slytherflynn

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haljathefangirlcat · 3 years

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still thinking about that “we Have To Talk about how quips are ruining fandom by destroying meta and turning all fic into shitposts” post @ms-demeanor wrote a great rebuttal to, and about the other posts she wrote about it and about the You’re Doing Fandom Wrong attitude in it, and about the notes on those posts. not gonna reblog or reply to any of those because my thoughts are admittedly kind of random and jumping from place to place and probably OT to the point of the discussion, but you know. still thinking.

so, uh. not trying to start wank or anything but enjoy the ranting that got way out of hand under the cut.

so, like... that one “we can’t just block everyone who quips and shitposts because some of these people also write actual meta but then they unfortunately go back to Not Engaging With Canon by writing quippy shitpost-y stuff” line, or however it was actually phrased? besides the blatant entitlement with the “you have to fandom ONLY in ways I like, I can’t just engage with the part of the content you create that I’m interested in and scroll past the rest” thing (which kinda reminds me of the whole “you can’t CNTW on some of your fics, I should be able to read ALL of your fics” thing, in a way) and the ”I refuse to curate my fandom experience and I’ll make it some stranger’s problem” thing (which... reminds me of a few other things, but tbf it has probably been around since the very first days of fandom), what if someone doesn’t even see meta and quips/shitposts as fundamentally different and mutually exclusive approaches to fandom? what if they see them as just two ways to be interested in a specific fandom and interact with it, and maybe even closely linked together, so going from one to another is actually very, very easy for them? hell, what if they (gasp!) even mix quips and meta together sometimes?

I have a few posts about what I think Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese might have been doing with mythological references and themes in Dark, and about what I got from the series finale. some are meme-like, phrased in a joking tone, probably even shitpost-y? another one is literally just a gifset plus me having intense Feels in the tags, and the last one is an edit of the kind I’ve seen people complain about as “those cringey unoriginal tumblr aesthetics that all look the same” in at least a couple of occasions. does that automatically mean I only wanted to “win” at fandom (with my hard-earned prize being... a handful of notes in a fandom that’s not even that big compared to others) and that I haven’t actually spent probably way too much time thinking about the significance of Martha’s Ariadne play as a commentary on character interactions/plot/narrative themes (and honestly still do from time to time), or that I don’t occasionally read the captions under other people’s gifsets and suddenly feel very much enlightened about why the Ariadne play mentions the myth of the Flood of all things? that I didn’t start reading posts and comments and reviews and theories about the series finale as soon as I finished watching it? that, just because I didn’t write 10K+ words of Perfectly Serious Seriousness about all that stuff, I simply refused to Engage With The Text?

... and if I said that I feel a little irrationally self-conscious at the idea of writing down all of my (often rambling, sometimes jumbled) thoughts about a series that to me actually does feel very deep and complex, so adding memes and humor to that or finding different means to put my ideas out there makes me feel more comfortable expressing myself while also taking off the (admittedly made-up) pressure of having to write a whole coherent essay where I have to find a clear and explicit way to explain where every single thought comes from and how it leads to the next like I’m gonna get graded on it? or that a lot of those thoughts stem from memories of spending five years of high school translating and analysing ancient Greek poetry and reading and watching and discussing every available interpretation and reinterpretation of it from Nietzsche to Vernant to Dürrenmatt to Christa Wolf to Pasolini to a lot of others and from certain things in Dark violently hurtling me back to those times without even asking for permission, so a part of my self-consciousness is actually “I probably don’t actually know/remember enough about this to base a whole in-depth analysis on it even though I do think there’s something there” and another part is “shit I’m too lazy to dig through all of my old textbooks and homework and additional readings to hunt for the thing I feel the desperate need to reference or figure out who might have said it, so no extended explanation here either”? I guess in the end it would all boil down to “there’s an amount of effort and physical and mental energy I’m willing to put into fandom but I also have limits to stop something that makes me feel happy from becoming a chore”, which. considering the whole “you have to put all your resources into constantly pouring out 100% serious meta and nothing else because that’s what I like, no deviations allowed” thing? yeah, I can see saying stuff like that would still make me a blight upon fandom. and/or Not Engaging.

which, I realize, it’s a thing I keep coming back to. but that’s because I really, really, really hate it? seriously, what even counts as Engaging With The Text correctly? not shitposts, and not quips either, apparently. Regardless of the fact that humor and crack have existed in fandom since forever and that it’s actually not uncommon AT ALL for them to be born out of looking at canon from different angles, pointing out whatever the fan in question finds surreal/strange/implausible/convoluted/awkward/just kinda funny about it.

also, not canon divergence/what if fics motivated not by a desire to “fix” something that made us feel bad when it happened in canon but by a desire to actually fix what we felt was objectively a poor writing choice from the author, because we shouldn’t Engage by analysing the text to criticize it or to think over how and why certain aspects of it don’t work for us or how we think the structure of the text itself could be modified or even improved, we should Engage by... writing meta and/or writing canon-compliant fics with perhaps a little allowance for slightly-to-the-left-of-canon-compliant missing moments fics, I guess?

from what I’ve gathered from reading other fandom discussion some time ago, AUs are also out, especially Modern/No Powers AUs, because those are always just an excuse to slap your fave’s name on your OC/disguise your original fiction as fanfic to get comments/ignore all that’s interesting about canon to write yet another dumb syrupy high school or coffee shop AU, even if I’m honestly not sure what kind of AUs people are even reading to never get to the “there’s no supernatural threat so let’s focus entirely on the fucked-up family dynamics and blatant mental issues in a world where you can’t just ignore them by marrying off your daughter or sending your son to be someone’s squire” AUs or the “this is pretty much what happens in canon but adding new dimensions and different outlooks on the themes by moving everything to a new context” AUs. seriously, I could rec you a pretty great “this guy would be a horrible father and treat his children horribly in any world, it’s not just the feudal society around him, it’s him as a person” AU and that’s literally just the first thing that came to my mind. but, hey, maybe Engaging is only engaging with the canon plot and setting and nothing else, what do I know.

... fuck, thinking about it, I’m not even sure if by “not shitpost and not quips” I should even mean humor/crack? because it’s not like the OP was clear about it in any way? maybe it’s just all that’s weird and tropey and not-canon-compliant? I can see the “everybody gathers in the main character’s stuff to smoke weed and weird shit happens” fic I got a chuckle out of some time ago being one of the dreaded tumblr-born shitpost fics that are supposedly ruining fandom by ensuring that fans stop thinking (?), but what about the “everything is the same but this one character is a catboy, not for any particular reason but just because” fic I’m currently following and loving? people have been joking and shitposting about catboys a lot on tumblr lately (I distinctly remember that the last catboy joke to pop up on my dash was the “I’m your catboy gf and I’m stuck in a wall” one...) and finding an always-a-catboy!AU initially got an amused smile out of me, so is the mere premise enough to make the fic just a joke/just taking a trope and running off with it/just part of a shallow trend? even when the author literally goes “oh shit just realized this is all a metaphor for neuodivergence and masking” in the story notes? unless writing a character who’s never explicitly stated to be neurodivergent in canon as a being literally or metaphorically neurodivergent in your fic is always shallow projecting or posturing issuefic... instead of, y’know, looking closely at the text and Engaging with it by interpreting it that way....

I feel all this ranting/venting might end up plunging into Why We Slash discussion territory now, so I better stop here.

anyway, in short, good to know I’ve been in fandom for years yet I’ve always been just a Fake Fan who Can’t Think and is constantly Doing It Wrong (by Not Being Transformative Enough, possibly). gonna do my best to stay exactly like that in the future <3

#... see THIS is why i don't write meta #fic is so much easier be it crack or not #ugh i feel i should probably delete this to avoid a giant headache but let's give it a try

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trickstarbrave · 3 years

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I see some of my old posts abt this getting likes still so I did feel the need for whatever reason to post an update or rather restatement to my views on the topic

I know this is a horribly tired topic that was discoursed to hell and then left behind and for good reason so as a warning: ace discourse below

First and foremost I’m not in the business of telling ppl wholesale they don’t belong in the community. The vast majority of ace ppl are also other various lgbt identies and trying to “remove” people from the community is not a thing I’d ever advocate for nor have I really ever as far as I can remember. If I have in bad faith I would like to extend an apology bc I have bad memories problems and think those actions are wrong and harmful. If the consensus is ace ppl are lgbt then I’m not here to say everyone else is wrong and I’m the authority on lgbt identities. We are a coalition group, a mashing of communities w sometimes shared histories and experiences. Even if I think ace and aro ppl don’t have as many of those in common I don’t get to decide if they are or not. They are now and I’m more focused on making that work

Still though since it’s inception the ace community has not been a very healthy one. As at best a newer addition to the lgbt community being brought to light and given a label and community, the community has been toxic. Much of the foundational moments for identity were from the AVEN forums and a lot of harmful misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, and ableist things were said on their and supported. This kind of behavior has continued well into the community even today.

This is not a moral judgment on asexuals or aromamtics. I’m aromantic. I was also subjected to these things. I always felt alienated from the community. Even when trying to engage behavior was half the time welcoming and understanding and half the time felt very hostile. I point this out because again: many asexuals and aromantics are other lgbt identies and this rhetoric is very harmful. It’s alienating. It makes you feel guiltier at times. Furthermore at times the community pressured ppl who did not have absolutely any desire for sex in any capacity to be okay with it, as though they were on the same level as people who liked and enjoyed sexual acts removed from sexual attraction to people. Sometimes it encouraged harassing people for saying having sex was a vital part of relationships for them and they felt incompatable with someone who was repulsed by sex and didn’t feel abstaining for a hypothetical ace partner would be healthy for either of them. Even more alarming was qpp’s, really originating from the aro community, spreading and simply being a tool for a while in many circles to coerce people into relationships who otherwise wouldn’t be okay with polyamory or were underaged. I’ve seen so much harm and been subjecting to it that I did have to (and still want to but avoid it for stress reasons) point this out. Even more alarming was during the discourse era seeing big name ace bloggers with large underaged followings bring on self admitted pedophiles to their blogs, and refusing to apologize when said pedophile admitted to sexually harassing minors. Lies were spread to demonize lesbians especially, and to a degree gay men as well, including that we steal funding we don’t need

As well (currently) the lgbt community hasn’t had the best resources to provide a good environment for ace and aro issues, and the ace community has not made it a priority in many spheres to curate those spaces either. As an aro sexual abuse victim there were many times I didn’t want to see public displays of affection or hear abt sexuality of any kind at times (despite not being ace) and I knew asking for those to cease in lgbt spaces would be harmful and come across as bigoted. Lgbt spaces are places to express your comfort in your identity and your relationships in the way cishet ppl can whenever they want to in society. Seeking out spaces without that just meant retreating and being alone. A curated space for aro and ace ppl would have removed tension I know many people have had and still do experience by providing refuge for sex and romance repulsed ace and aro ppl

I felt more boundaries would be beneficial, as while trans people are no doubt a part of the lgbt community (regardless of how many trabsphobes say we don’t belong), trans specific areas and communities still exist. Trans spaces where trans experiences are centered are a priority. The ace community regardless needs better spaces for ace people besides social media and Internet forums. It needs structure and accountability. It needs to unlearn harmful practices and bigotry that have run rampant for their own members’ sake, not for the sake of outside people to see validity in it.

And for a while, people who were otherwise cisgendered, heteroromantic and asexual would speak out in lgbt spaces about trans and gay issues because this is the “same community”. Cis gay men have no authority on lesbian, bi, or trans issues. Cis lesbians have no authority on gay men’s, bi, or trans issues. Cis heterosexual trans ppl shouldn’t talk abt lgbp issues w authority. Cishet ace and aro ppl shouldn’t talk those either. A lot of the hostility and early discourse was abt that, about those bloggers who very quickly left the discussions and website entirely in some cases, speaking about issues that shouldn’t concern them. About homophobia and how it should be treated or tolerated, using slurs they had no right using, and more. Even more alienating was ppl saying a character was ace rather than gay, and when pointed out they could be both it resulted in backlash as trying to take away ace representation, and then real human survivors of sexual abuse who were dead were framed as ace icons and ace representation while framing their discussions of their reactions to sexual abuse as “the ace experience”. Lies spread that ace conversion therapy was a thing and that doctors were going to hold you down and feed you medicine to make you want to have sex, terrifying many young bloggers on this website who genuinely believed and lived in fear of this happening until they were told it was misinformation and lies.

(Yes you can be sexually assaulted for being ace, yes victims of sexual abuse can as a result ID as ace or aro, that’s not what I’m arguing against in case somehow someone finds a way )

But from the other side I’ve seen and spoken out against people who just said bigoted things. Claiming there were too many gender and sexuality identities. I think the split attraction model is limited to ace and aro ppl to explain our identities more coherently and misapplying it to others only servers in the end to stigmatize various sexualities, but this went beyond that. For many people “grey” and “demi” modifiers are useful. I’m grey aro. My romantic feelings are complicated and inconsistent enough I think it’s not average. Sure to a degree “anyone” could be demi or aro and many ppl in the ace community have misattributed those modified identities to ppl who didn’t even fully explore how they felt, but they are not worthless. I can count to you how many times I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction, and I do not fully understand the intricacies of romantic attraction, nor the differences at time between platonic feelings in practice. I was mocked for my identity several times and saw people with identities like mine mocked. This was not a discussion of it these identities were harmful like claiming disassociating during sex was a normal sexual identity. At worst they are unnecessary.

I’ve been always more invested abt having a better community for ace and aro ppl bc that’s what I ultimately wanted. No, they didn’t have the messy intertwined history of other lgbt identities but also they didn’t have to be. Lgbt or not there wasn’t a space for ace and aro ppl I thought was really healthy. It was either they existed there in a group with other people with their issues being talked about or not at all. Ace pride colors were based on the at times toxic forum website AVEN. The aro community was often overlooked by ace ppl or at times actively thrown under the bus.

And lies and misinformation was still spread. Pieces of history incoherently being co-opted and misappropriated to seem legitimate. And to top it all off ace and aro specific oppression was incoherently discussed to. How different forms of oppression work together and often feed into each other or take new shapes was ignored. Studies were extremely limited in scope, loaded, and mostly inconclusive. Facets of misogyny and even homophobia were framed as ace exclusive and unique experiences, and people lied about real life discrimination for being ace (usually these were young people like the 15 y/o who claimed to have two gay dads who kicked her out for being ace, so I won’t dwell on those as much. Tumblr has been a weird website). Discussions of race especially were riddled w terrible behavior from white ace bloggers who resorted to lying, shaming, and guilt tripping. All this only serves to fan the flames and drive a wedge between communities even tho inclusionists claimed it was all evil exclusionists doing while refusing to call out the misinformation and bigotry they often spread. There was no purpose in harassing bloggers of color, no purpose in terrifying children so they lived in fear of medical professionals and most ppl, and no excuse.

Hopefully moving on from this it will truly die away, but I hope people learn from it. This wasn’t just as some ppl frame it cis gay and lesbian bloggers starting a harassment campaign to try and kick aces out on a large scale. This was a messy discussion that was years brewing until it exploded in even more vitriol, misinformation, and rage. It became an opportunity to critique an (albeit in comparison young) community for harmful behavior that was going unchecked and lead to even further bigotry, misinformation, and alienation. And the bigotry and misinformation didn’t serve a purpose and little understanding of what ace and aro people needed besides information and education to the public, which was already taking place before this, was had. And ultimately I expected more from the community at large.

To ace and aro followers and readers: I’ve seen some ugly parts of the community but I don’t necessarily demand you answer for that behavior, unless you’re personally guilt of it. I don’t say this because I have a mission to prove you’re bad. I think the community is toxic, but it will ultimately not get better unless ppl who are dedicated to it are willing to help find what resources ppl need, provide it, and refuse to encourage or call out shitty behavior. And ultimately that will come from a place of love and desire to create an environment future generations will feel welcomed in. I just don’t want other ace and aro kids being lied to about what they’ll experience, subjected to homophobia and transphobia of many colors, and at times groomed by adults. And I don’t want it based around just social media where anyone can lie abt credentials and act like an expert to further any of those horrible goals, even unintentionally

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violetsystems · 5 years

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#personal

The only drama I’ve been tolerating lately is my return to reading physical comics in public. The world has gone batshit insane and that isn’t the intro panel to Immortal Hulk. It’s pretty much real life for me without much explanation or external plot narration. After a year of writing here about how I feel on any number of issues nobody in real life knows any different. It’s always been here where the act of social sharing has fifteen layers of safeguards in terms of anonymity. The community has always been very subtle and muted in how it treats each other. It’s intimate how you come to know a person through their curation of content. There’s entire relationships I have with people on here that matter more to me than people I’m in daily contact with in Chicago. I’ve been submerged in the deep web like a cybernetic dolphin in a tank for years with the rest of you. The Tumblr fishbowl has always been much more comforting than the public eye. The only theory I have is that people really don’t pay attention to anyone in real life. I’ve come to know the pain of recognizing when people stop listening. Most people just project how great they are or how much more they know. Society in America especially under the guise of capitalism is always a competition. You can only assess the success or value of a person by the amount they make or more importantly spend. From there people splinter off into efficiently divided cliques, tribes and teams that people try to draft you into out of fear of isolation. Peer pressure doesn’t ever go away unless you shut the door completely or maybe even bust it wide open. Even then it just gets nastier and more sophisticated. You’d have to be the Hulk to enjoy that kind of constant abuse. My follower count has been mostly the same which has always been something I respect. Everybody knows I try to play it safe and genuinely respect different perspectives. I walk boundaries and I maintain layers beyond that. Around this time last year I had made a decision in my life to focus my attention on things that made me happy. One of those was my communications here with people. Things had grown from this into real life in a magical way. And then people starting hijacking the narrative for their own selfish reasons. Putting their own spin, opinion and value on the things they thought I was “trying to say.” That kind of thing has been happening to me since the beginning of time. People trying to turn something I do into something that can benefit them, influence or control. When it comes to blogging on the internet here the outside world is mostly negative towards this space. Truthfully I am pretty excited about the recent purchase of Tumblr but everything in the press is always negative. People are so conditioned to bad news these days that we just fixate on the drama and do nothing about it. People crave it in almost everything. Walk into a coffee shop and employees are trashing other coffee brands instead of focusing on their own. People talk behind other people’s back like it’s a secret trial and never face the demon within themselves. Sometimes these things escalate into crossing the line or threshold of your dreams overcome by some madness and zealotry. They think they have a say in whatever it is I do in my own time. And with me we already know how badly people have fucked up in this regard. It is sadly comical at this point and I am the butt of a constant cosmic joke. It would be a broken record to spend another year describing how I haven’t gotten over it. I don’t give a fuck about any of that shit really anymore. I changed my train route, subscribed to better coffee at home and read Hulk comics on the commute.

With all the drama between Sony and Disney over Spider-man people forget sometimes we’re talking about movies. Who owns the rights to the intellectual property of poor artists to bankroll their studio profits every summer is maybe important. If you didn’t have twenty two movies linked together already. I don’t know really I just read comics. I’m supposed to have an opinion about every part of the world I’ve never lived in. Within all these arguments it’s always picking a side. Mostly because people want a battle and a chance to feel right even when they are missing a perspective totally. We can focus on all the talking about the problems all day and never find a solution. It’s been particularly hard for me to come to grips with being in the environment I’ve been in. I spent five years traveling to Asia to figure out my place outside of all this. This last year I came back and focused closer to home. In that respect I’ve found New York to be much less pretentious than I thought it would be. It’s truly the city where you can cry on the street and nobody cares. That feeling of freedom is something I don’t feel lately myself in Chicago. There’s too much manipulation and utilization of public space. People so concerned about why you aren’t happy and never would do a thing to correct the problem. There has to be something wrong with you for feeling that way. In New York you kind of share the space and let things breathe. In Chicago everybody is trying to maximize your contribution to society. Your social obligations in the highest taxed city in America are also taxed if not just by patience and will alone. I pay taxes and I don’t mind paying them. But encroaching on people’s life, liberty and pursuit of happiness for the sake of a brand is a bit weird. Unless it’s Pink. This coming from a guy decked out fully in Nike and Undercover. You see these shirts that say “Chicago Over Everything” and then you see me rot in silence in my street wear coffin. I hear a lot of sentiments that don’t ever address me directly. People project what they hope you will hear and expect you to take the bait. Looking for a fight. Looking for a new friend to abuse. Looking for another cult member. People approach inclusion by never leaving you alone and make you feel crazy for feeling claustrophobic. I guess people have never been a victim of police entrapment. That’s some drama I’ve already written about and left in the dust. These days it’s ten thousand times worse and then again I’m over it. The double standard I see in the real world is mostly about making people question their legitimacy in the face of incompetence. I’ve been the victim of so many dumb social experiments for art’s sake and otherwise. All it ever really amounts to is intimidation and drama and it’s boring and ineffectual. We argue things we can’t or won’t change instead of leading by example. And leading in public by yourself with no safety net gets old after awhile. Especially when nobody remembers all that you’ve done. Or at least gives you the benefit of the doubt when the court of public opinion puts you on trial for the fifth week in a row. People who will talk about you behind you back all day but never address you to your face. Never acknowledge your validity. Too busy being negative to give you a chance to shine.

There’s an entire decade of my life that has been left behind and forgotten about outside of Tumblr. Imagine the irony that the people I shared things with here knew the deeper side of me. And we all watched me get passed over and ruminate about how I could be a better person. How I could right all these wrongs? How I could be the hero. And almost eerily like the Hulk comic I’m looked upon as something else. I haven’t really had a modern comic experience quite like reading that graphic novel. I just ordered the next volume and get to pick it up from another school’s campus after work tomorrow. I do have to work all day tomorrow. I’ve done that for almost two decades. People still treat me like a kid. People on Tumblr of course know I don’t feel like a kid or even remotely account for one mathematically. But I’ve learned people look for any excuse to write you off. They do it for years and when you grow better they find another thing to drag you down with. When they can’t find anything they just ignore you. And here we are a year later looking back. It’s that time of year again. People are actually back in school. Just like every other year really it feels like. People can acknowledge I feel invisible but not acknowledge me personally. That’s the whole curse of the Undercover aesthetic. You wear it so well even the police start getting it twisted. Nobody asks. Nobody has the guts to approach you and treat you fairly. And so you grow to know better than to waste you time on shit that doesn’t appreciate your value. It’s a mind fuck for me really to understand the way forward is more of the same. That being isolated and exiled in some way is far more safe at this point of my life. That maybe there’s things too precious for me to share with people who can’t fathom or know the value I place on it. Because they don’t make the sacrifices I do to keep things safe. To be responsible and be myself at the same time. A year ago I felt like that mad scientist locked in a lab. I’ve done enough barbell reps to be the skinniest Hulk alive. The title of that volume is “Or is he both?” It’s a far different vibe from either Professor Hulk or Planet Hulk. Bruce Banner is a transient who changes into the Hulk nightly. He’s tracking gamma ray signatures of what he calls Walking Ghosts. Toxic creatures exposed like a virus to gamma radiation by another scientist trying to heal his son. Banner is trying to right a wrong and at the same time stay in control of his inner core of responsibilities. He keeps a secret that grows out of control and finally the Hulk cannot be contained. Interestingly enough the Hulk exacts his rage in frighteningly calculated ways. He even speaks kindly of Banner. He also buries the other scientist in a mountain and makes him ponder hell forever instead of ending his life. The Hulk eventually learns about this green door through the Walking Ghosts that whisper about it in fear. There’s no gatekeeper at that door to hold the Hulk back. And I’m sure there’s so much more drama behind that door. It’s only Volume two after all. I can’t wait to find out because that’s about the only drama these days I pay attention to. I don’t need any drama getting in the way of my love for you. Hulk out. <3 Tim

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tylerbiard · 7 years

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Facebook -- TMI

I never got into Facebook when it was new and trendy, circa 2007. I didn’t have a need for it. I just watched from the sidelines as my peers slowly migrated from Nexopia (which I also didn’t use) to it. It wasn’t until after high school that I could’ve seen a use for it, but by that time, Facebook had already peaked in (youth) popularity, and I was increasingly aware of its more negative aspects, especially as someone who even then was critical of increased proliferation of texting and social media. I didn’t want to become addicted to it, I didn’t want to play Farmville, and as a photographer, I didn’t like how Facebook keeps the right to use your images for whatever purpose they so desire (which isn’t unique to Facebook).

I would regularly get asked about why I didn’t have Facebook, which was increasingly obnoxious, and I knew there were certain social aspects that I was missing out on, so I caved in 2015. Now it’s been going on two years and I’m left wondering what all the fuss was over. Don’t get me wrong -- there are a lot of cool features to Facebook. But I’ve never found such an anxiety-inducing amalgam of banality. I often consider pulling the plug and deleting my account, but I always stop just short, instead deactivating as a more pragmatic approach.

I think a lot of my anxiety with Facebook stem from one thing specifically, and that’s just the amount of information Facebook presents to you. It’s too much. It’s overly personal, too, due to the way the platform is set up. It’s also the type of information Facebook gives you, which is often of the lowest common denominator variety, partially due to the platform itself, partially due to the user base and how they use it.

Now, to be clear, I realize I came to Facebook late, and know there once was a reason young people flocked to it. But once everyone and their grandma jumped on board, it became an awkward family dinner party. I completely understand the rise of Snapchat as a reaction against the familial, curated juggernaut that is Facebook for young people. Kids want to be kids without having to worry who will see what they liked, and don’t necessarily want to share always-manicured stuff for Instagram.

One of the more obvious issues with Facebook is clickbait. Probably due to clientele and sheer size, Facebook, like no other social network, is synonymous with it. Instagram doesn’t even allow links in an effort to cut down spam and clickbait. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been tempted by catchy, vapid articles, but at the end of the day, there is no way I’m going to actually need to know 10 surprising things I didn’t know a jellyfish could do. I live in a landlocked province, BuzzFeed! Clickbait is the type of thing that makes you unproductive at whatever you should be doing without actually gaining anything meaningful. You may as well trudge through Wikipedia articles instead and gain insight.

A nicer Facebook feature is that you can hook up other social accounts for easy cross-posting. But it comes at a price. For the way Tumblr is configured to connect with Facebook, not only does it let you cross-post Tumblr posts to Facebook, but for some reason, it allows Facebook to keep a tally of everything you like or share on Tumblr. Just a bit creepy. This doesn’t happen with Instagram or Twitter.

As previously mentioned, I often pragmatically just deactivate my Facebook account whenever I feel overwhelmed by it. Whenever you do this, Facebook pulls a guilt trip on you saying “X friend will miss you.” Very nice. Perhaps this isn’t overtly information overload, but it’s still kinda lame, and adds another deranged wing to the platform. The “friends” are either someone who won’t actually miss me, because we don’t actually talk anyways, or it’s someone who can get ahold of me through other means, including, amazingly enough, Facebook Messenger!

Although I find Messenger nice enough to not deactivate it, it is clearly sadistic in some ways. For example the right pane (on browser), constantly notifying you who is on Facebook and when they were last on Facebook. Through that, it’s easy to start picking out who spends too much time on Facebook, and notice habits in when people are on. These are things I don’t want to know and should only be valuable to stalkers in almost all cases. So why is it there? But the real vile part of it is the Read notifications. And not only does this show you that someone has viewed your message, Messenger also tells you exactly when. There are many articles dealing with “left on read”, but I’ll just say the whole thing, while a nice idea, should just be abolished. It is a terrible situation for both parties. For the receiver of a message, it creates unnecessary pressure to respond, as the clock starts ticking once you’ve opened the message, when you may simply have opened by accident or are trying to figure out a response. Or you just don’t have anything to say. It’s even worse for the sender, who sees their message read, and then just left. It creates this self-loathing anxiety encircling the notion that your message isn’t important and that your “friend” doesn’t care about what you have to say. Which isn’t necessarily the case, either. These features create an environment where people get anxious, analyze the hell out of things, in the process making assumptions, putting pressure, and so forth, and it’s all just not healthy. We really don’t need to be informed the time that a message was read, nor do we need to know when someone was last online, nor any of this. As someone who’s dealt with both ends of these issues, I think it’s best to keep Messenger as an augmented version of texting (not iMessage) in the right ways (eg stickers, customizing, group chats, etc).

The bulk of Facebook’s information overload aspects come more from the personal side of things. Some of this is literally the posting behaviour of members. Like, I don’t actually care what Gilmore Girl you’re most like. I mean, to each their own, but I don’t really get why it has to be shared. Every. Time. It’s spammy. And I know people whose profiles are just endless “test” results. I admit, sometimes they can be interesting, but the lowest common denominator variety rarely are, unless ironically (so hipster!). I think that’s the crux of it too; the banal, lowest common denominator drivel runs amok on Facebook in a way you don’t find elsewhere. It’s all very underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Yet for some reason I still log back in. It baffles me sometimes, to be honest.

On top of that, Facebook likes to show that “X friend liked/commented on this”. Most times, I don’t care. Other times, it might be interesting, but I have no desire to interact with the post (which is presumably why Facebook does this) because it’s a post by a random friend-of-a-friend, whom I’ve never met. I’m not going to like or comment in that situation. It’d be weird. It’d be awkward. It’s the kind of thing that makes people desire to be very selective with what they like on Facebook because it may show up in someone’s feed, without that someone even looking for it. And because of the more personal (i.e. familial) nature of Facebook, it makes it doubly awkward. Personally, this isn’t an issue for me, but it’s still obnoxious.

Also, unlike Instagram, Facebook seems to serve as a photo dump for every photo from a night out to be posted. It really is just a waste of bandwidth to post two near-identical photos, side by side. I get that there is a less-rigourously-curated nature to Facebook, but c’mon. It makes the feed far less enticing to peruse. I guess there’s the unfollow option in these cases. More to the point, is that for some reason so many Facebook users (myself included) felt obligated to add people that they really have no interest in just to be “nice”. Usually it’s relatives, but it can be acquaintances or randos you met somewhere, sometime. It really makes Facebook that awkward dinner party I pointed to earlier. Often times, it’s perceived to be too awkward to unfriend, while others go through regular culls. For the former group, though, it dilutes the feed with stuff people aren’t interested in from people they aren’t interested in, which is why young people have flooded Tumblr, Instagram, and Snapchat.

But why not just delete it at that point? I’ve heard rumblings that many younger teens now don’t bother with Facebook, but once you’ve got it, it seems odd to get rid of it. It’s still a highly used platform, so it’s very, very useful for engaging with people. It’s great for groups, for events, and of course, more personal stuff. Facebook is a walled garden, and provided you set your posts not to public, it can allow you to be more real about things, provided you don’t have to worry about random aunts and acquaintances seeing it (or don’t care). It isn’t always a presentation of your best self, and in some ways that can be liberating. It’s candid. I like that. For the people I genuinely care about keeping up with, Facebook is a fabulously personal platform. But there’s also just a lot of bullshit on Facebook, including sometimes from those you do care about keeping up with, which makes Snapchat more and more enticing for “who cares” posting. If only most of my friends actually used it! Maybe I just need to unfriend a bunch of randos that I don’t really have in my life. But there’s still the systematic issues with the platform that wouldn’t be resolved in such a scenario.

For now, Facebook just feels like a taxing, necessary evil. I’m growing kinda tired of social media and smartphones in general, so maybe one day I’ll pull the plug. For now, I’m merely becoming distant to alleviate myself from the more toxic and creepy elements of Facebook, so that I can still reap the benefits of the platform. Hopefully it works.

There’s probably more I could’ve gone into here, but does anyone else feel similarly about Facebook as a platform of “TMI”? Anyone else feel stuck with it due to the broad nature of the platform?

#facebook #rant #tmi #social media #social network

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lostwithhopeforlife · 7 years

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Anxiety + Emotional Abuse

I’ll admit what I post here is more than what is seen on my other social media platforms, everything is still curated. I post what I want you to see, or what I want to share with this void we know on the internet as tumblr. We live in a culture that feels the need to share and consume everything about each other when we really don’t need to. You don’t need to see everything and I think it’s safe to say you don’t care that much, going by my observations of our social media culture. What you read is one side of the story, and compartmentalized to show a limited picture of who I am, and some of the situations I write about. Part of it is planned and part of it is the natural consequence of this type of communication.

I need to start by saying that I have this terrible tendency to absorb other’s emotions. This makes it incredibly easy for my feelings to be left to the whims of those around me if I’m not careful. It can be a great thing when I’m trying to connect with people and/or show them empathy when they need it most. It gives me an ability to read and understand people and love them deeply. I know this can be considered a gift and I’m grateful for it. But it’s also a curse because people can abuse this part of me without knowing what they’re doing. A simple rant about something (regardless if I care about it or not) from someone else will leave me feeling stressed and unsettled for days afterwards, or if someone is visibly tense I become tense. I’ve always struggled with trusting myself and knowing my own emotions, but I can guess and absorb what you are feeling no problem. But being as confused, exhausted, and overwelmed as I was these last two years, I didn’t catch myself. I didn’t set the boundaries I needed.

This was before anxiety and my mental health was even on my radar for a potential reason why I was constantly overwhelmed. But even if this was a factor, I still need to take full responsibility for my role in the friendship, and the hurt I also caused. I’m still uncomfortable with trying to work through what happened in part because I was a victim (I hate saying that) but I shouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in that situation for so long. The other reason is because I know I also did some damage and I hurt him even though I was being hurt. Looking back I lead him on without really knowing it and being so overwhelmed I let it dictate how I responded to him and made decisions. I’m not completely innocent in this. I don’t think this friendship is what caused my anxiety, rather I want to blame the anxiety for how the friendship ended up.

Long story short(ened), I became friends with this guy my last year of high school and for the next two years we (because of yours truly) went back and forth between almost dating and just friends. He was smart. Brilliant really, and I put pressure on myself to try and rise to his intellectual ability. I am not at that same ability and when I would ‘slip up’ he would joke about it and it didn’t help my case at all. Which isn’t entirely his fault I was putting so much pressure on myself, right? I couldn’t fully be myself around him because of this and I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt the same way. We had enough interests to still have good conversation most of the time, we liked the same music (which was wonderful because #HighSchoolTastes). Near the end of our friendship however, every time I sent a text I would immediately feel exhausted. Most of our conversations ended in arguments, usually about how one of us hurt the other in some way or wasn’t paying attention. Admittedly, I was so overwhelmed with what was going on in my life and and was so tired that I wasn’t paying attention like I should have. If I got myself into a corner I would just stop paying attention as a way to cope with the pressure I put on myself.

The gaslighting started small. He would drop little hints of having an opinion on something then pull back so of course I was going to pry it out of him. He would play up his reserved nature, so I made it a goal to pry it out of him and open him up. I felt I was helping him by getting him to talk to me and be vulnerable with me. It usually ended in a somewhat backhanded compliment where he would critique something I was doing or something about me, but all in the spirit of helping me improve as a person. I was technically doing the same thing, wasn’t I? He would claim he had a better fashion sense than I did (he loved his fedora, how did I miss that red flag??) and would try and “help” my wardrobe choices. Or expand my vocabulary by making fun of the way I forget words easily.

My favourite comment has to be “you should work out more. Hugging you feels like hugging a stick”. I still laugh at it because 1) I’ve been called a stick my whole life and that was generally a compliment, 2) he was into working out and this was his attempt to encourage me to exercise. Because I totally want to after that comment, and 3) I live in a society that still encourages girls to be “sticks” and every other body type under the sun. Sure I feel the influence, but I stopped listening to any comments about my body a looong time ago. So screw off dude, my body is fine and I work out now for me. For my mental health. I work out for no other reason than my self.

Naturally, I retaliated by returning the comments.

As much as I told myself to write off the comments, they still hurt. I know my comments hurt him too. But it got to the point where I knew how our conversations would end up and yet I would still be the one initiating the conversations. I still went back to him even though I knew I would hear his hurtful opinions. I felt obligated to be his friend because I knew I hurt him when I changed my mind about pursuing a relationship. I had vowed to not hurt him again because he didn’t deserve that and I didn’t want to be one to hurt others. I still think that.

If I let my doubts take over, it just looks like we had a shitty friendship. We did have a shitty friendship. But there were enough and consistent instances of gas-lighting and one last conversation that made me say enough. It was too stressful and made me feel like garbage. I was exhausted and had some wonderful friends supporting me to pull the plug.

It’s been over six months since I pulled the plug on our friendship. I’ve had time to process everything more and try to move on. I now know that my actions were part me, part something that wasn’t me and how I reacted make sense so I can take control if it ever happens again. I know what to look for now, What boundaries to put in place, but I hope to never have to use them. I still worry that I’ll completely miss the red flags or I’ll hurt someone again. I’m concerned I’m making myself into too much of a victim and too much at guilt at the same time. I’m still worried I’m letting my guard down too easily and opening myself to unnecessary hurt. Or that another person will take advantage of how deeply I feel. I want to learn from this, but I don’t want it to change who I am. I want to be able to love others deeply without worry about excessive hurt. Of course there will be hurt, anything worth loving in this world has some hurt. But not this much hurt and self doubt is worth it. I’m learning to love as deeply as I can, while still taking care of myself. I’ve got a long road ahead of me with this one.

Peace & Love,

Annie.

P.S If you’ve managed to find yourself here, friend who I’m talking about, it was Tragic Flaw. Tragic Flaw was and still is my favourite Arkells song. Bit ironic, don’t you think?

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