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reptileofdoom · 10 months

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Public PSA and Callout Of Hawkshadow/Luna: A Continued Pattern of Hurt and Manipulation Part 1 of 2

Hello, my name is Autumn aka reptileofdoom on Twitter & Tumblr. I debated whether to make this post for a long time and continually questioned myself; however, I've realized that if I don't, that guilt will sit with me for a long time. This post is directed toward Luna; known on AO3 as hawkshadow, on Twitter as @/dage_mingjue and on Tumblr as @/petesbubblebutt and @/hawkshadowwrites.

I am extremely concerned that Luna continues to be a big name in the community; her "big name" status gives her credibility that is, frankly, undeserved, and it makes people lower their guard, which allows her to take advantage of them better. Please, please be on your guard around her.

This isn't just my story. Other people have given me permission to use their names and testimonies as part of this post. I have done my best to provide proof and evidence of everything mentioned, and when unavailable, I encourage readers to question. Please reply if you would like additional information regarding any of the points in this post.

Since I will most definitely be accused of clout-chasing, let me be clear: if you follow me just because of this post, I am going to shatter your kneecaps. Do not follow me for this, I repeat.

Some screenshots have had information covered solely for the sake of privacy. I think she's dangerous, but I don't want to give her personal information to the internet, or involve unrelated people. That being said, due to the nature of the issue, sometimes it's impossible to cover without removing relevant information.

Additionally, due to who she is and how she operates, I have opted for the safety of posting conversations IN FULL; which means 5-10 screenshots for each conversation. I would rather be safe than sorry, because I WOULD otherwise be accused of concealing. So this will be a long read, which is why I am using a "read more" break.

So, here are the basic details, presented first from my own point of view:

Luna and I used to be quite close fandom friends, in the period of August 2022 - January 2023, when our big "breakup" happened. During that time, Luna created an extremely uneven dynamic within our friendship: constantly talking about her own problems, trauma-dumping, and complaining about various things. My own personal issues, when brought up, were either never addressed or I would be outright berated for bringing them up.

Additionally, and I am using this word with its full intended meaning: she would intentionally gaslight me, making me question the reality of our friendship, claiming that I was "emotionally manipulating" her, all the while trampling over my own boundaries and not being able to give even basic courtesies expected in friendship. She blatantly took advantage of my autism, gaslighting me by telling me that social norms didn't work the way I thought.

For full context: I am autistic. At the time of our friendship, I lived with my parents, who have for years emotionally abused me for said autism. There were many unsafe things about the environment I was in. On top of that, there is an 8 year age difference between myself and Luna. (She is older.)

I bring up my own age not as a "gotcha", but as important context to keep in mind for the conversations you are about to read as we get into the meat of this. I am aware that Luna is also neurodivergent but 1) that is not the same thing as autistic and 2) I gave her many, many benefits of the doubt throughout our friendship. Please keep in mind neurotypes are not an excuse for continued horrible behavior.

(About my own age: I am 20 years old. When entering Kinnporsche & Vegaspete fandom, I was under the impression the show is merely 18+ and it is labelled as such in most places. I did not even hear of it supposedly being 21+ until a few months ago. Nevertheless, I do my best to respect everyone's comfort and leave spaces not intended for me.)

One last disclaimer: I am not trying to frame this as a "cancellation post." Most of all, I intend for this to be a warning for anyone in a similar position to myself, easily taken advantage of. If, on the other hand, you read everything and see no issue with any of Luna's behavior, then I will not argue with you. I am not asking people to abandon their friendships with this person - merely to guard themselves from being hurt the way I was, over and over again.

Timeline of event (summary):

Luna and I first started talking in August or so. Unfortunately, due to the mutual blocks, a lot of our Twitter history is inaccessible to me; but I know the rough timeframe because at the end of August is when Luna and I sent each other our first DMs on Discord. Most of the events happened there; some others happened in her server, which I left after our breakup and have no interest in returning to.

In October is when the first concerning behavior popped up; on the 31st of October I attempted to pull away from the friendship, not quite realizing what was happening but becoming aware that every interaction I had with Luna left me feeling anxious and panicky. I was guilted into staying and feeling bad for ever trying to do that. Our worst interaction happened in November. After this things calmed down throughout December, precipitating again in January when we made the decision to work on and post fanfiction together. The posting of this fanfic became the straw that broke the camel's back.

A deeper dive into these events:

A lot of this is going to seem like very personal drama. Unfortunately, it is only through showing all this that I can show the horrible manipulative tactics she would use. Please bear with me.

As mentioned previously, the beginning of our friendship was on Twitter, where we have now blocked each other. As such, I have lost access to our DM history. I have tried downloading my Twitter archive and various other methods, but nothing I have tried has allowed me to regain access.

Proof that I can't message and/or look at DMs from her:

Proof that our DM conversation did, at one point, exist (yes, unfortunately I have to use vegetable porn here to prove my point):

Since we were not too close during the Twitter era, there thankfully isn't much that needs to be brought up from those days. However, there is one extremely critical fact in those conversations: It was there that I told Luna about my living situation and trouble with parents. Most of all, I very specifically told her I would get called "emotionally manipulative" just for having meltdowns.

It is now impossible to retrieve that conversation, unless by some miracle she unblocks me. I do not have high hopes for this happening. For now I ask: please just believe this happened and keep it in mind.

With that established, we get into when the manipulation started blatantly showing. It first came about as a result of... a GC, of all things. That Luna would frequently post screenshots of and I felt envious of. Perhaps it was my own mistake to not resort to clear communication immediately, but here is a conversation where I first brought up the topic, implying I would really like to join.

Her responses aren't.. bad, per say. Obtuse, more like. There is nothing incriminating here, but look at what she focuses on, what specific things she does not address - and where the conversation ends up, with who comforting whom.

(From now on, passages of interest will be circled in yellow.)

So Attempt #1 was a bust, right? Okay, no biggie, we commiserated a little over mutual insecurities, I just have to ask my friend outright so she knows what I mean-

Right. I am not quite sure how to commentate this entire exchange, even half a year later, but let me give it my best shot.

At this point, you're probably still giving her benefit of the doubt. "She is just really, really bad at knowing how to communicate" you might say. That is what I told myself at the time. (Note: I am hyper empathetic so please know that at every point I was primed to believe her and empathize.)

It's really, really awkward to have to make this point through conversation about people essentially unrelated to this, but this unfortunately became our driving issue. For context, this famed GC had all of.. 5? 6? people apart from her. So if you are imagining a massive server with strict rules? Nope.

Next, notice how instead of just. Admitting she can ask her own friends a question, she tries to make me seem unreasonable. "What, you want me to stop mentioning my friends?" basically. She then also, specifically, makes a point of saying "You are not being rejected." This will become important later.

At around this time, I came to realize: this friendship wasn't good for me. I did not have the words for it, nor could I believe any of the blame was on her, but I knew a few things:

I was always the first one to start conversations.

It would take Luna long amounts of time to reply.

When she did reply, it still ended up being an unbalanced conversation, with me doing about 70-80% of the talking.

Every time I talked to Luna or was waiting for a reply, I would feel horrible, anxious and, in short, like shit.

Now, I turned all these issues inward and looked for the root of the problem inside myself. Having been blamed for my autism all my life, it ended up being my justification for many of these things, sometimes in creative ways.

This is the message I sent Luna on October 31st and the ensuing conversation:

My first message doesn't fit the screenshot; full text is in image description.

She then proceeded to post MULTIPLE screenshots of her latest conversations with not only fandom friends, but real life people including HER ROOMMATES. As proof of her lowered capacity for responding to people. I will save my commentary for the end; Let us continue:

A screenshot of her Twitter DMs to show who she has responded to and when.

Interjecting that at this point she still had not done the extremely basic thing of just. Asking her friends if she could invite someone. And notice the use of the word "manipulative."

Let's take a pause here because I shit you not, that was the end of the conversation.

Did you see the immediate guilt-tripping? The language implying I am to blame for everything? "If YOU think our friendship is toxic" "if YOU think this is best for you"

There are many things she says here that are, in hindsight, INSANE. But chief among which is her insistence on hierarchy and social dynamics.

Do you see why I wrote that she took advantage of my autism?

"I'm not the one at fault, YOU are the one who is fundamentally misunderstanding how group dynamics work."

I talked to my friends about this. I vented to them about being so dumb and stupid I couldn't even understand a basic thing, without showing them the conversation of course. I felt immense self-hatred because she convinced me it wasn't her being weird and unreasonable - it was just me being dumb and disabled!

And a necessary reminder: She was very clear about the fact that she WASN'T rejecting me. She really DID want me there! It's just she had no options :(

Why did I make myself seem so pathetic as to practically beg her to let me join her group? Because at the same time, she'd tell me shit like I was her favorite person and encouraging me to go make friends with the other people and surely THEY would want to then invite me.

Last of all, please notice how the conversation ends. Two apologies and no response. But a prompt idea? Something fandom-y? Yeah, she'll engage with that and make no acknowledgement of anything before.

A lot of these conversations are so frustrating to look back on in hindsight. Obviously, she had no interest in me and did not actually care for a proper friendship. I was somebody to conveniently vent to and get fanfic ideas from; otherwise, I don't think she had much interest in me as a person. (Something further supported by the things we're gonna be getting into next.)

Now, where we last left off I was guilted into continuing this friendship. A friendship, I emphasize again: I had multiple times stated was unhealthy for me and was actively causing me frequent breakdowns.

The following conversation happened as a result of something in the server. As mentioned: I no longer have access to those records. In short, however: Luna and I had a short disagreement where she stated she didn't like something I was saying. Which was fine! I felt very apologetic and apologized. To which she responded "okay" and... nothing else.

So I sent a few message in the server chat. Waited. No response for hours. My anxiety went through the roof - I started having an anxiety attack and, in desperation, DM'd Luna multiple times privately because I had no idea what was happening: whether our disagreement was resolved, or if she was still mad, or what. I would like to make it clear the only thing I was looking for was just a confirmation of: "are we good?" If the answer had been "oh, yeah, I accepted your apology" there would have been zero problem. Instead, this is what happened:

This is the conversation, in its entirety.

Do you see why I used the term gaslighting? In its full, actual definition as an abuse tactic?

It is hard to write a commentary for this. Look at how many times she twists what I say and mean. To be clear; I am fully aware of how passive aggressive my language in this conversation becomes. I am not proud of it. But as mentioned, I had been worn down by months of constant anxiety; in a weird way, I do feel proud looking back, that I was able to stand up for myself in this moment. In the end, I put all the blame on myself again, which led to a.. small concession from her.

I hope it is clear from these images that I was never looking for more than 5 seconds of her time, whenever she was able to check her messages. The expectation with messages, in general, is that the person will get to them when they get to them. Her insistence that I was being selfish, messaging her while she was at work, comes out of nowhere and is especially strange because.. she would message at work all the time. It was not a boundary she had ever enforced before.

I am not coming here from a position of "we argued once and now I hate her." I am coming from a position of "this is a person who messed me up for months in a way that has required extensive therapy." THIS is why I am making a post like this, about how dangerous she is and how much I want people to be aware so that they can please, please protect themselves.

She would constantly come to me with more intense problems, all the time. She had me talk her down from panic attacks at work. (Not shown because 1 - image limit, 2 - it is very personal, and I still feel bad exposing her personal stuff.) But when I had a single time it got bad, when all I needed was "yeah, I'm not mad, don't worry"? This was the response.

There is more. It gets worse. Unfortunately, I have hit the 30-image tumblr limit: this will be continued in a second post, that is linked:

PART 2

#hawkshadow #vegaspete #kinnporsche the series #fandom stuff #fandom drama

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wemakeitupaswego · 3 years

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I don't know if you are the right blog to ask this but Apparently Jensen is home. Has it been a week before he could have actually met Misha. Kind of too convenient to "miss out" a possible reunion like that since Misha promised Jensen he will visit them but I get it. And Misha visited Phil and Hilary. The couple are closer to him and Vicky so he might have found comfort there. He has been exploring and travelling a lot. My concern is why not visit Ackles home? And I don't mean in a romantic reunion way but Out of courtesy just for old times sake? Dee adores Misha and she would have easily welcomed him. Since Misha said he would visit Dee and children for Jensen in the zoom panel. Now let's think for a moment he did visit Ackles. But why not publicly acknowledge it? You're at a old buddies home and possibly fulfilling a promise you made. Why not pull at the Cockles thread when a book and a podcast is happening for him? The man had 3 Gish items in Jensen's name. So if he visited his home in CO why no photos? If not visited Why not visit Ackles? If JP and JA had a reunion they would have published it all over. But Misha and Jensen don't do that. Prime example is the blankygate. I am so baffled by them. I understand there is possibility Misha didn't want to publish where Ackles are living but that cat is already out of the bag.

With the recent events regarding Misha's life I am keeping the Cockles stuff to a minimum at the moment because we must respect them and their privacy as majority of us has always done.

However first of all what you have speculated about Misha visiting Ackles are speculations only. And I wholeheartedly believe that he visited Ackles but still those only assumptions. I am not sure if Jensen was there in CO but a fan saw him in Toronto around the time Misha was in CO so my speculations are low about that but there's a bit of a time window there. But I am going to ignore that because I don't wanna be insensitive about it by prying too much. Because we don't do that here.

As far as we know or they want us to know, Misha was in CO he visited his good friend Hilary and went horse riding. He came back home I think. And he didn't seem like he visited Ackles.

Anon I think you noticed he didn't mention in any of his posts where he was visiting Hilary. He was taking precautions as to not mention where he was for the safety of those who he visited. But fandom is always investigative and found out quite quickly which I think he anticipated tbh.

Hilary posted about horse riding so it was her choice to publish where they possibly are living and most of the fandom knows where Hilary lives.

Now think! If Misha visited Ackles, what that One photo of Misha visiting the Ackles home could do. The hell could break loose. Because for one, Ackles residence address could get doxxed due to nosy fandom, I know fandom figured out where he lives but still that information is very low profile, and they could get into the trouble they got before all over again. Misha wouldn't do that to them. And Misha visiting Ackles home while for the record Jensen is away? Now that would have sent haters of both Mish and Dee on a field day.

They dodged a huge bullet by not posting anything to indicate that Misha visited them if he did. And quite frankly we don't know. I think there's going to be a con in CO so maybe Misha would be there again.

Misha was going through something so close to his heart. I am sure Ackles were there for him.

Some anon dropped by saying Jensen is still filming in Toronto because the cast deleted an IG story about Soldier boy still filming but I don't have any verification for that info. And Dee posted a photo with Jensen and liked few comments saying he is in CO. So I am gonna take he is at home.

The thing is anon as you say, if they went to those lengths to not publish anything about Ackles residence whereabouts from Misha and made sure we know Jensen's current whereabouts are in CO NOW but not when Misha was visiting them, if they made efforts in SM to show us that there's no connection there and everything is fine, then I am gonna take that bait gladly. I am gonna nod my head and step aside because we don't get to go beyond what they show us. When the blankygate happened, many were shocked to find out Misha was living with Jensen in Van because they kept that information secured in that way. They took efforts and went to certain lengths to make sure we don't find out.

So if after several months or years, if we find out that Misha indeed was visiting Ackles when he was visiting Hilary back then, I wouldn't be surprised.

#cockles #destiel #jenmish #too much tinhatting is not good #for either of us #somethings i still can't tell you #that's what Misha says #we better listen and see but not gossip #their lives are still very private #we don't get to pry #anon

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john-langley-bristol-blogger · 2 years

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My relationship status is - mind your own frigging business! Tuesday, January 25, 2022. 4.02pm.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but back in 2015, I was almost pestered by Big Brother producers to become one of the contestants for the following summer 'celebrity' series. Even back then they were scraping the barrel for anyone on the minus-z list for likely names, and somehow I came up for being a nobody worth consideration as I was something of a controversial political figure, so they thought.

Like several other television offers I've received over the years which are too few to mention, I turned this one down as well because above everything else I fiercely guard my privacy and no amount of money can buy this for the sake of providing entertainment value to an audience.

So when it comes to social media I'm equally as guarded and share very few if any details about my private life because it has sod all to do with anyone else. I don't post selfies and who I may at the time be in a relationship with is completely off-limits. That was until around three years ago when a new girlfriend I had known for less than a day decided it would be a wonderful idea, in her mind at least, to broadcast to all and sundry she was in a relationship with me by virtue of her own status update, and to say I was incensed by the very fact I wasn't consulted about this beforehand in order to confirm my agreement, or not as the case may be, meant our relationship ended at lightning speed.

It may therefore seem strange that I am so openly willing to go into certain aspects of my life in writing 'Death's Door Diaries.' For me here is different because I can tell my own story in my own words without it becoming a series of posts for the gossip-mongers to feed off and make imbecilic judgments based on nothing except their own irrationality and ignorance, and it doesn't have the mass audience of Facebook to further enable this social media arsenic of sorts.

The plebbishness of posting relationship statuses on Facebook like virtue signaling inevitably leads me to unfriending people straight away because if they are so open-mouthed about their own private lives it leads me to believe they would be just as open about mine. Which for me poses the question about trust and for what reason would I trust a Facebook 'friend' who I've never met and not had any meaningful personal interaction with from which to build such trust?

I find it beyond astonishing that females, in particular, seem to have a propensity for publishing 'is in a relationship with' status faster than I can put on my socks, and then two weeks later it's someone else they're in a relationship with. Take a breath, please!

Who in all honesty actually cares, and do they somehow imagine the world is going to stop suddenly because they're in a relationship? If their new relationship is SO important they want everyone to know about it then surely handing out flyers in the town centre on a busy Saturday afternoon would do the trick just as well. If they're so keen to broadcast it to all and sundry, why not when they seem content for a few hundred random and entirely irrelevant people on Facebook to know such seemingly important information?

The logic escapes me.

#john langley #bristol #john langley author #john langley blog #john langley bristol writer #john langley tumblr #deaths door diaries bristol #death's door diaries #relationships #facebook #social networks #big brother

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