Life's got me paralyzed.

When I say "paralyzed," I mean I just can't make myself do anything. It's gotten so bad that I had to present my partner with the tasks I had to do today and tasks I wanted to do today, and only once they ordered them could I actually act. I didn't even like the order. It was five fucking things. How can I not prioritize five items? There are only 120 permutations, less so if I prioritize the mandatory tasks. Even now, I can't complete a task without structure. I have a college year-long project to work on, and teammates to communicate with, but I just can't. I can't make myself. I'm not even convincing myself that it'll "be all right," because there's no way in hell I'm going to get zero consequences. Hell, right now, I'm procrastinating responding to my partner because they're calling me out on this shit. They've been supportive all day so this caught me wayyy the fuck off guard. My lack of control over my own mind is... concerning, increasing, debilitating... I can't even make myself do things I want to. I want to play more Terraria. I want to develop my card game. I want to talk to JH and E and A and fuck I want to do anything but force myself to vent to an empty blog so I have something to do, and something for you (the reader) to read after the fact.

When I say "Life," I mean my own perception of my world and my mind. This is an artificial state I've accidentally imposed on myself. I can't blame anyone but me. Hell, even blaming myself isn't worth it because it still doesn't change the fact that I'm still like this. It's entirely my fault, yes, but I don't care about that now. I'll worry about hating myself for what I did once I'm done hating myself for what I'm doing. Nothing's actively or passively making me do this. Rather, it's the lack of internal motivation that's the issue. Nothing on the outside is gonna change this. The only way to solve this is to have an external source enlighten me so that I may wreak havoc on my own mindset. I do sincerely intend to obliterate whatever the hell's in here, since it's doing me absolutely no good. Sure, I'm self-effacing, self-destructive, and practically ready to Leave at this point, but those will only help me claw my way out of my head with my own bloodied nails.

When I say "got me," I mean the whole scenario is just passive. Nothing monumental happened. If anything triggered this, it's a prolonged lack of exposure to people. I need friends to help me get along with my day, and now that I don't see them every day of the week anymore (like I ever hung out with anyone in the first place, never mind), it's like I'm suffering from withdrawl. There's no impetus to do anything. "I just need a hit, man, that's all I need... but I'm broke, can you do some donation? Some charity? No, I can't pay you back..." That's how I sound to myself, and I know that's how I'll sound to someone when I ask them to hang out. There's no reason to see me. If there was, someone would have asked me to hang out already.

It takes actual pain from my body to force me to use the bathroom. It takes debilitating fear of my partner's response to make me respond to them. I feel like I'm gonna die before I actually get a semblance of a hangout request off to someone I want to see. The only reason I'm able to write this right now is because it's something I know how to do. Something structured, since my mind automatically formats thoughts into stories to be presented (whether well or not, we'll see) and conversations I'll never have.