#I am so tired. God please not this shit AGAIN. It's been 5 years and I just recently adapted to this hellsite jfc
Note
Hi, love your writing! I have a request where reader and Jenna are in a long distance relationship and reader decides to surprise Jenna after hearing Jenna’s been having a tough week filming or something. Just something along those lines haha
a flight away
Pairing: Jenna Ortega x Fem!Reader
Summary: ^^ request!!!
Words: 3.1k
Warnings: bittersweet
a/n: first of all,, thank you so much!!!! and second of all, ill try my best! hope this is to ur liking anon
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You didn't know what you were getting into the first thing in the morning when you checked your phone at exactly 6:34 AM.
Normally, you'd do the routine where you stare at your wallpaper (it was a picture of Jenna) for a good 20 minutes before internally dying inside because of why should she be such a hardworking woman to the point you only get to see her for about 1-2 months before leaving again, but then fall in love with her like it was the first time for that exact reason entirely.
Now, you woke up to Jenna's notifications flooding her digital face, more voicemails and missed calls rather than messages.
Obviously, you panicked out of your fucking mind.
You knew she was safe in Ireland where she was filming season 2 of Wednesday. She has more bodyguards around her than people trying to get her autograph, and she has her co-stars with her at all times.
She was safe. Safe. The word almost sounded like a prayer you repeated in your head as you eyed her messages.
You couldn't open the voicemail for the reasons that you might hear an announcement that Jenna has got into some serious shit and might need to be hospitalized and you absolutely need to be there for her right now.
But after 5 minutes of going through all stages of grief, you pressed play.
You were not expecting Jenna to outright scream at her phone in the middle of the night.
"Y/n. Y/n, I—God, I don't even know where to start with this. I'm just so… so tired. From everything, from everyone. I don't know why, seriously, I don't know why but i just—I just broke down when I came back to my apartment."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have to message you like this in the middle of the night. I'm doing well in Ireland, but I'm having such a rough fucking time in shooting every scene. It's not like I hate everyone on the set, I love them, I… I don't know."
"I need you, please Y/n. Even if it's just your voice, just please give me a piece of your presence. I need something to hold on, someone to tell me that it's going to be okay and I'll get through this. I know, it's a bit overdramatic but… I just miss you so damn much, and this distance is killing me more than ever. We haven't seen eachother atleast a year now. I'm so tired."
"Please pick up, y/n. It's selfish for me to ask, but I just want to hear you. It feels like I'm losing myself in all of this. I don't want to break down in front of everyone on set tomorrow. But, y/n. Y/n, y/n, y/n, it's so hard."
"I love you. I love you so much. So damn much, it's killing me. I miss New York, I miss our home, I miss you. I wish you were here. I'm sorry for letting you hear me like this over the phone, it's unbecoming. I love you, goodnight."
Your heart sank.
It was all too surreal, all too agonizing, like you feel bile coming up to your throat.
The daunting feeling of Jenna experiencing all of these emotions at once dragged your heart, her voice like a film tape in your mind as if were right there with Jenna in her room.
You heard her cry, you watched her curl herself up on her mattress all while she clung to her phone as if it was your hand she wished she held everyday.
You craved for the warmth of her hand, and you imagine she craves yours as much as you do with hers while you longed to be there with her, for her. To hold her close to you and offer the comfort she needed. The very touch that healed every scar, present and future, was replaced by the lifeless screen of your phone.
You were there, you swear you're there, but you couldn't do anything but listen.
On top of everything, you blamed yourself.
You called her almost everyday, the long-distance relationship being almost a mere label to the both of you.
You texted her every morning and went to bed with her every night. You were there, always. Yet, it felt like you neglected her. Like a piece of you was missing before you even realized it.
Now all you can think about are her restless nights.
The days where Jenna staged a performance with a heavy heart while you smiled with joy, the nights where you slept peacefully in your own bed while Jenna tossed and turned in discomfort in something unfamiliar, sacrificing her rest for your peaceful evenings to remain the same.
You don't know how many days she's been like this, nor do you want to know, the thought was unbearable enough.
And you almost feel bad of booking a plane ticket rather than responding to her. You were just a flight away anyways.
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Shit, her head hurts.
Hammering, actually.
Like someone cracked it open with an axe made out of obsidian right down the middle and served it to her on a silver platter.
She never should've accepted that afterparty invite from Georgie.
If she never got absolutely wasted to shots from bottles of alcohol, maybe Jenna would've had the brain capacity to curse him under her breath for being such a good damn friend.
Worst of all, she was missing someone. Horribly.
You.
Not just you, but everything of you.
Your scent, your warmth, your presence, your heartbeat against hers—a cruel reminder on how she was missing all of these.
She longed to hear the way you laugh as if you heard the funniest joke ever, the way you smile at Jenna as if she was a saint that had done nothing wrong, the way you loved her oh so dearly like she was the only person that made you crawl out of your skin in a good way.
Now it was taken from her. All of it. She felt like she was nothing without her muse, which was actually the case here.
Jenna was supposed to stay for a year with you—a whole fucking year! A whole year was watered down to a pathetic one to two months because of a change in filming schedule that Jenna had, somehow, no right to turn down.
That's not even half of the time Jenna spent miles away from you, and she couldn't even apologize properly in person since she had to depart so early in the morning.
The thought of you expecting Jenna to wake up beside you with a smile and a kiss only to be woken up with a cold bed with a note apologizing a million times made her flight to another country worse.
She would've been happier if the plane crashed then she would be begging to whatever afterlife she was in to bring her back to the living and spend her life with you.
It's gotten to that point where she looked just like Wednesday off-cam if not worse. She even almost snapped at Emma when she tried consoling her.
Now she sits in her trailer, on a chair, not with you, but with... a chair. Along with her script on a table.
Jenna tried a few lines, repeated them, tried a few lines, repeated them, and it all just comes back full circle.
No matter what she does, she still fucking missed you and wished she could just tell everyone she wanted and needed a nap along with her girlfriend by her side until it reaches winter of 2025.
She could take a nap right now, but you weren't with her. The cold surface would make you appear in her dreams like the loving parasite you are to her and she would only yearn more.
She could take a walk right now, but little ice cream shops along the way would only make her reminisce about the times you would take her out on dates every damn day like you had buckets on buckets of gold to spend it all on Jenna. She would only miss you even more.
She could talk to one of her co-stars, but they weren't you. The stupid and fuckass conversations you'd often bring up, they wouldn't do that. Even if they did, it wouldn't have the same effect.
Why did life suddenly become so difficult when she now has the most gorgeous, talented, and loving girlfriend a billion miles away from her!?
After putting her arms over her eyes, trying to calm down the impending woe and sadness she was facing, a soft knock on her door interrupted all of it.
"Jenna?" She heard Emma's voice, soft like she was hesitant to talk to her if not for Jenna responding with a hum, "we've been calling you for 5 minutes now. It's our scene."
Her voice was serious, though quiet. Or maybe that was just concern, Jenna has been distant for a while now.
Letting out a sigh, she replied, "Right, I'll be there in a minute."
She pulled herself up from the chair. She didn't really need to return to the makeup team, just thankful she didn't cry herself to death thinking about you.
She turned her back to see Emma standing in front of the door, half opened, peering half of her body, "Jenna, you know you can take a break if you want—"
Jenna only offered a weak smile, her steps matching Emmas as they walked over to set, "It's fine. Don't worry about me too much."
Her thoughts are too different from what she was saying, but it wasn't like she could say she'd rather kill herself before even stepping foot out of her trailer without seeing y/n.
"Jenna!" Tim Burton called her out, his voice calm, stretching out her name like he was going to say something completely off-guard.
The girl in question was already staring him down as he spoke, "We've got a change in script"
The girl in question was already staring him down as he spoke, "We've got a change in script. Nothing too big, just that we've added a new extra that Wednesday needs to interact with on this scene."
Isn't that a slight bit unprofessional?
Jenna could let out the most exhausted and exasperated sigh if not for Tim being the one of the sweetest, yet often odd, directors she ever worked with.
"Yeah, sure, can I atleast meet this person—"
"Sorry, Jenna," He lead her to the place she needed to be, the extra in question being no where near in Jenna's sight, "but this is really a last minute change and we just need you both to improvise."
"Wait, but—!"
Her protests were already too late, looking like it went through one ear and out the other through the audio. She was just grateful she had enough training and years in this industry to immediately get into character.
It was supposed to be her scene with Emma, lurking in the woods, a lantern between her fingers as they approached a silhouette of a figure.
Now it was just Jenna in the scene, lurking in the woods, leaves crunching under her combat boots as she watched the camera move alongside her body, not a lantern but rather a flashlight gripped on her palm.
She was informed that the silhouette in question was one of her co-stars that she had met before hand, a tall figure in the distance that she could immediately distinguish based on the back alone.
Now... it's... not exactly what she was expecting to see when she got in character.
She approached the figure, confused as ever, not because it was in her script to do so, but she was actually so damn confused it wouldn't be a surprise to her if she was imagining things.
Because the silhouette looked exactly like you.
Jenna knew you from the slightest shade of your skin, even when it's so damn dark outside.
She knew you from the way you stood, the way you sometimes would do whatever it is with your hands when idle, the way you'd often slightly tilt your head back when you're suppressing a hard giggle—which you were and failing to do so—the way you, in your own words by the way, aren't a good actress for Jenna to practice her lines on without laughing like a total maniac.
Holy shit.
Jenna's mind raced, all too fast for her liking, her heart pounding in her chest, and her body almost in flames at the thought of you being here. Finally being here.
It couldn't be real, of course it wouldn't, why would you be on set in fucking Ireland? It must be a trick, much so a figment of her imagination and maybe more or less girlfriend deprived of everything you gave her. But as she drew closer, her steps doing all but walking slowly to the silhouette, it because unmistakable who it was.
It was you.
Her best friend ever since she learned how to act in middle school, a friend that stuck with her forever even in times where you could've left her all alone.
Her girlfriend. The girlfriend of almost a few years that she loved and cherished with all her might, even if she were to commit a sin, there would be no greater wrong than Jenna disliking you.
It was her home. At last.
Without a second thought, Jenna abandoned everything, forgetting that she was even supposed to be the character she was and rushed towards her, arms already stretched in a desperate embrace to feel your warmth against her body once again. Your heartbeat against hers. It was all too surreal, all too fucking real.
Jenna threw herself into your arms, wrapping you in a tight hug that almost knock you both off of balance in the dirt. Your body stumbling forwards as your back was faced on her.
You still smelled like New York, mixed with that familiar airpot scent that Jenna always got used to. But now, it felt so new, so new that you were hugging her, touching her like it was the last symphony you'd play in your life.
She hugged you, tight. Her hands gripping your clothes like you'd disappear in a matter of seconds. You can hear her taking deep breaths against your body, gulps, and her hold tightening onto you with each passing moment.
As you turned around, you waited for Jenna to slowly loosen her grip, her eyes searching yours as if she still could hardly believe that you were here, standing in front of her after all this time apart. And now, you couldn't believe devotion was still present in her eyes, that warm of a gaze that you always managed to capture in her eyes.
"You're here. Y/n, you're—" She sniffed, looking up at you as she cupped your cheeks, a stray tear trickling down her eyes that shimmered, "You're really here." She whispered, her voice cracking almost to a fault. Her voice was fragile, it crushed you. "Why, how? What, I don't under—"
You smiled softly, chuckling even, you didn't expect it to go this way. "That's not part of the script, Wednesday." You joked, even if it was a serious moment, you always seemed to have one.
"You're not part of the script, why are you here!?"
You reached up to brush a stray lock of hair from Jenna's fringe as Wednesday, your touch gentle and reassuring like it never changed over the years. It was still there, your love was still there, and you were waiting for your lover to come back once in your arms to show how much you missed her oh so dearly.
"I missed you." You simply said, slightly swaying the both of you back and forth
Jenna couldn't say anything, let alone form a few words, but the way she hugged you yet again after a few seconds of silence with such tenderness and compassion, it said everything that you needed to know.
Everything that you lost and you hold today, nothing mattered. Not even the heart that wouldn't stop beating against your chest, it wouldn't matter if you died, atleast it was in her arms.
"So I don't get to have an I miss you back?"
Jenna pulled back slightly, you can see how her eyes glistened looking if it was something that not even renaissance artists could sclupt.
"You don't know how many nights I've spent crying because of how I missed you." She mumbled, voice below a whisper, her mouth hung open from her slight crying, taking a deep breath as she let herself be in the most vulnerable state with you yet.
"You cried?"
"Without you? Terribly so."
Your heart ached when Jenna started to cry, she looked small. Smaller than ever in your arms when you once held her for the first time when she became a busy actress.
She broke down, almost melting in your presence as you try to hold her up. You knew there were cameras rolling, that there were people on set watching this go down, but you knew that you were the only one witnessing her vulnerable state, no matter how many people would see right through her.
You reached up to gently wipe away the tears that streaked down her cheeks, her freckles being in view, something that you missed so dearly, your touch light and tender as you held her—your world—in your hands.
"I wish I could've been there for you," you regretted, "I wish I was there every night, to wipe away the inevitable tears that would grace your face, to hold you in my arms every night.
Jenna shook her head, a smile tugging at her lips, "all that matters is that you're here with me." She chuckled. "Why are you here?"
"Booking a small plane ticket from New York to here was the smallest price to pay for the chance to hold you in my arms once again."
"You know those are expensive, y/n," she scolded you, yet her tone was playful. "How long are you planning to stay?"
You hummed, a grin curling on your lips, "As long as you want me to be here," you replied, "I can't go back when I don't have a return ticket."
Jenna leaned into your touch, her eyes closing as she savored the warmth of your embrace, she didn't know how much she took advantage of this until now. She was afraid you'll be leaving soon, even with all assurances, everything you'll be giving her wouldn't be enough to ease her fears of you departing from her soul once more.
"I love you, y/n. Too much."
"I love you too, Jenna. You know I was only a flight away."
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Y: i heard your voicemails, by the way.
J: i sent voicemails?
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a/n: sorry if this request was so so so late!! i still have more requests in my inbox and they'll probably be delayed for a couple of days or maybe even weeks because of exams. buttt ill try to post as much as i can with requests and super sorry in advance to those who requested! ill be updating future posts in my masterlists
#jenna ortega x reader#jenna ortega x you#jenna ortega x y/n#jenna ortega x fem reader#jenna ortega x fem!reader#jenna ortega x female reader#jenna ortega#jenna marie ortega
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Follow you wherever (Alessia Russo x Reader)
Lying on the pitch has always been comforting for you, when you were much younger and your parents forced you to play sports you'd just lie down on the grass while making daisy chains.
Alesia being a football maniac was funny to you, while you lay down on the grass Alessia would be tearing it up on the pitch. Just like now, as you watch her take shot after shot.
Eventually, when she finally tires, she makes her way over to you, flopping down with a huff, "My left foot is so bad." You scoff gently before looking over at your blonde…friend?…girlfriend?…you didn't really know.
Sure, you had kissed a few times (loads of times) but you hadn't exactly discussed what you were. You knew you loved her and she knew she loved you. You had technically been seeing each other since you were 5 when she got on one knee and asked you to marry her back in juniors.
"Your definition of bad is different to mine." Alessia throws you an appreciative glance before leaning in to kiss you softly, you push her back reluctantly leaving your hand on her chest.
You give her a quick kiss on the cheek before falling back down on the grass, Alessia copies you. The skyline started to darken, you were in awe at how the moon looked.
"Look at the moon.
"I have to tell you something."
All your thoughts of the sky vanish as Alessia cuts you off, you sit up giving her your full attention. "I got a college offer." Your head snapped towards her, "Less…Oh my god!" You jump at her nearly knocking her over.
"I'm so proud of you." Alessia gives you a weak smile, "I'm not gonna go." You pull back giving her a stern look. "Yes, you are." She shakes her head.
"No..."
"Yes.."
"No..
"Yes."
It went back and fort, "Alessia Mia Teresa Russo, you are fucking going to that college." She huffs at the use of her full name, "Its in America." All your defence crumbled as she stared at the ground, worrying her lip between her teeth.
"Oh...wow…okay!…UCLA?" She nods making you swallow roughly, "How long?" Alessia took a deep breath, "4 years..." The silence hangs between you, suffocating.
"That doesn't change anything." Alessia scoffs, changes everything!" Her voice raises indicating she's getting frustrated.
"Less, please. You're goi-“
"No I'm not! America is all the way across the world, I'll be away from my family, I have a good thing going here and most importantly you are here!"
"Don't do that!"
"Do what!"
"Blame me for not following your dream!"
"I’m not blaming you."
"You're going, end of story."
"I am not leaving you."
"Alessia! We don't even know what we are!"
That seemed to stun Alessia as her mouth open and closed desperate to come up with an answer, "Your my..”
"You're going."
"Please."
"Im not letting you waste this opportunity!"
"What about us?"
"What about us?"
"I love-
"-Don't you dare do this to me."
"But, I don't want to leave you." There's a tremble in her voice that makes your heart ache,' "Less, we have the rest of our lives to be together. You're 17, you've been working for this your whole life."
"It's so far away."* You nod gently biting your lip before moving closer to her, "I know, but it will be so worth it. You'll get recognised over there. Do you know how big that would be."
The silence hangs between you once again, 'When do you leave?" You dreaded the answer because no matter how prepared you could tell yourself you were the idea of Alessia being all the way across the world scared the shit out of you.
"Next week."
"Promise me you'll go?"
Alessia hesitated before turning to look at you, "I promise." You nod giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek, "I'll get Ella to look after me, yeah?" Alessia scoffed giving you a teasing nudge before wrapping her arms around you.
As you stood there hugging her, you already knew you'd be following her out. The goodbye the next week was one of the hardest things you've ever had to do.
All Alessia's family was there along with some of her England team mates to wish her the best, Ella had her arm wrapped around you for comfort while you watched your girlfriend walk away.
You lean your head on the brunettes shoulder when she's out of sight and she presses a quick kiss to your temple.
"It's gonna be okay." You sigh nodding, "I know. I'm going after her.?"
Ella huffed knowingly, "I figured."
…
3 months had passed, you were exhausted after the 9 hour flight but you knew it would be worth it. You were so grateful for Lotte, you had told her about the plan and she was fully on board, sick of hearing her blonde friend mope about you.
After reuniting with her you finally got some rest in the car as you knew it was going to be a long drive. Once you got there you were practically shaking, what if she's found someone better over here? What if she's not happy to see you?
That all vanished when you saw her though, she hadn't spotted you yet so it gave you time to look at her, 3 months wasn't a particularly long time but absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You wish you had a camera the moment Alessia saw you, she froze in her place the glass of whatever she was drinking was out of her hands and next thing you knew you were wrapped up in her strong arms, her face buried into your neck.
You could feel her tears dropping down your neck as you let out a watery giggle, "| missed you." Alessia had to choke down a sob as she clutches onto you for dear life.
You didn't notice Lotte and the other girls leave Alessia's dorm room, you both were too caught up in your emotions to even think about anything else.
You stood there for hours just holding each other, Alessia's face was bright red and her eyes were puffy when she looked at you, her green eyes pierced into yours, "FaceTime does not do you justice." You giggle before cupping her face and brining her into a searing kiss.
Alessia eagerly reciprocated as she grabbed you waist pushing you back into her study table, your hands tangled into her hair pulling her as close as you can as she hoists you up, your legs immediately hook around her back and that's when you knew things were getting very heated.
You and Alessia had been threading carefully back in England never going further than making out on her bed, you and her had always wanted it to be the right time and you just knew there would be no better time than now.
"I missed you so much..." Alessia breathed out as she kissed your neck placing you down gently on her small bed before immediately crawling on top of you.
…
You woke up to the sun peaking through the curtains, Alessia had her arm draped around you as she slept behind you. You stretched out your legs feeling the slight soreness from the night before.
Alessia stirred, she placed a soft kiss to the back of your neck before pulling you closer. "I can't believe you're here." Her morning voice was a rarity to you, whenever you had sleepovers at each other's house you were never allowed to sleep in the same bed.
You had heard it a few times over the phone but it was always hard to catch her due to the time difference. "I've missed your stupid face, you know. She rolled her eyes playfully before pinching your side, you rolled over in her arms to face her.
You leaned in to give her a lazy kiss, Alessia sighed against your lips, her eyes stayed closed after you pulled away, "God, I've missed that." You hum while she busies herself playing with your hair.
You both catch up not that you have to as you've spoken every day since she's left, she cried for another 10 minutes when you told her you were staying for as long as she was.
You spent that whole day wrapped up in each other, making up for 3 months. You were heading back from a restaurant she took you to, you spent the whole night putting on fake American accents while laughing like crazy people.
You found a patch of grass and next thing Alessia knew you were lying there, arms spread out a blissed out smile drawn across your face.
You stared up at the sky getting that sense of deja vu as Alessia grabbed your hand brining up to her lips before peppering it with kisses.
The moon was breathtaking here, you thought it was pretty in England but this was a whole new level.
"Look at the moon..." Alessia let out a chuckle, "It'salmost as pretty as you." You scoff playfully giving her a nudge.
You both spent the rest of the night giggling while staring up at the stars.
#alessia russo#alessia russo imagine#alessia russo imagines#alessia russo x reader#woso x reader#muwfc x reader#woso imagine#woso imagines#engwnt x reader#woso
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LITG S8 Thots for this week: I love winning!
(Fusebox hasn’t proven me wrong often…damn near at all, but oh do I love when they do!)
• Ok but his body kinda tea I’ll give him that.
• Also do I spy a Libra tattoo??? LIBRA GANG STAND TF UP!!!♎️♎️♎️
• Luna really just want every man in here except her own like damn bitch just give Jin to me since you so open to change😭😭😭
• The spat being us disagreeing on one thing for maybe 30 seconds and then Oakley immediately apologizing to and worshipping me like ok girl, sure.
• Keep trying all y’all want I’m not turning on my man😑😑😑
• We not doing this again uh uh.
• But also…HOW DO WE GET OAKLEY IN THESE??? QUICKLY!
• The fact I was finna deny speaking to Hari and then he brings up that he has intel on my man ugh they know how weak I am help💔
• The intel in question being that he was gonna ask us to go exclusive. WOW! WHAT A SHOCKER!
• Theo what I have to say to you couldn’t take any more than 5 seconds. Stop wasting my time PLEASE!
• Oh yes I love when a man acts “playerfully”…
• It was so obvious that the letter was from our partner can we stop being fucking dumb?
• We didn’t emote enough after reading that letter. I needed my bitch to break out into tears while screaming or something!
• They are arguing over the letter omfggg the day that this villa knows peace, pigs will be flying.
• I busted out laughing at this cuz some of y’all were theorizing that Bea was his sister. Do you know how funny that would’ve been if she was😭
• Oh for christ’s sake can Luna shut the fuck UP? I’m so tired of her getting pressed at Jin being flirty with other bitches as if she don’t do the same exact shit. Ho mad cuz he says Bea might be hot but was just begging Hari to give her pussy a taper fade haircut, girl byeeeee!
• Theo finally manned up and admitted he wants me. Woohoo! Can we move on?
• Outfit time!
• Ngl I thought this was gonna look a whole lot more stupid but thankfully it doesn’t. Now as to why they made accompanying shoes that we couldn’t even put on is beyond me.
• Jin stfu😭😭😭
• IGNORE WHAT HARI AND I ARE DOING BAE IS BACK AAAAHHHHHH😝😝😝
• Yes use the good punani powers to distract him sis exactly!
• I’m seriously so glad I didn’t have to wait 20 episodes to see my bookie bear again like y’all don’t understandddd.
• He just got back and he already being messy helpskdmsmasnd.
• I know they ain’t actually shocked that I dropped the rope during tug of war…I already told y’all I am a one dick woman!
• Figures that Bea is the one that’s actually with my man, yet Luna is the one that’s making me wanna smack the shit outta her.
• Outfit time again!
• Say what you want but they are definitely killing the outfit game this season. Another bad bitch fit!
• The fact we can just tell Hari to shut the hell up so we can listen to the other date awww he really shoulda chose another girl to go after.
• Ok I fucks with you Bea! We love real bitches here💯💯💯
• And the fact Oakley recognizes that we would NEVER play those games oh when I tell you we fucking him real good tonight!
• God why am I so evil😭😭😭
• We actually get a private moment and they didn’t hoodwink us this time omg can we get fed like this more often?
• Oooooo wait clock his tea bae! Cuz that actually don’t make no fucking sense like how you out of practice for 2 years and suddenly you pulling out romantic ass stories just cuz you meet one bad bitch on Love Island?
• Oh lord someone duct tape Luna mouth shut before she start another yap fest.
• To clarify, when I say “you both” I’m referring to Oakley and his donk. Sorry Hari!
• Mind you the stuff that’s supposedly gonna change my mind about him is finna be some shit like “Instead of buying you a box of chocolates, he said he was gonna get you a giant teddy bear and a bouquet of roses and carnations.” Like can y’all cut this shit out it do not be gagging us anymore😕
• Because of course as soon as y’all bring me my baby daddy back you take him away again…
• Welp, loyal girlies I guess it’s time for us to suffer for another 2+ weeks!
#oh well a win is a win#my man is back#that’s all i care about#litg#love island the game#litg tempting fate#litg season 8#litg s8
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Writeblr intro
Hallooo..
not sure if I'm doing this right... tbh, idek what to put on here. Anyhow, I've been writing for about two years now (YAY!!). I mostly write poetry although as I write this most of my posts are short stories of the fantasy variety. I like reading swoon-worthy romances so if you write anything that makes me blush and kick my feet like the teenage girl I am, I will follow you and maybe stalk all your posts. If you are the grammar police I must warn you that you will be forced to arrest me after reading my posts (I'M WORKING ON IT, not really tho).
I've been on Tumblr for idk how long but I keep ghosting the app (Life and whatnot) I'm craving community, especially with fellow authors, maybe ones with more writing experience (I am a newbiiieee). Guys... I swear I won't ghost again 🤭.
And here are all my labels for all my lovely people:
She/Her
WOC
Queer (bi or pan idek man this sexuality shit aint for the weak of heart)
Retired Stoner (Moved to a place where I can't smoke)
Raging bitch (Moved to a place where I can't smoke)
Capricorn Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Capricorn Rising (Raging Bitch)
Not actually a raging bitch, just think it's funny (Please like me)
ADHD (Prone to run on sentences and overusing parentheses)
Chronically misunderstood (Capricorn)
Very Annoying (Sagittarius Moon)
Certifiably Woo-Woo (Hence the astrology references)
Not Funny (I think I'm hilarious and spent 5 minutes straight laughing at this little section)
Current WIPS
To The Stranger Who Stumbles ~ A collection of poetry written during a time of my life when I was experiencing some intense change and coming to terms with certain childhood events that were... not so fun.
Genre: Poetry
Word Count: 5953
Stage: Beta Reading (message me if ur interested)
The Mad ~ Mildred the Mad and her crew of dangerous and mythical women are charged with kidnapping and delivering the Seelie Prince to the Unseelie kingdom. But with every plan comes complications, some in the form of brooding king's guards.
Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Action
Tropes: Enemies to Lovers, Found Family
Current Word Count: 4434
Stage: ROUGH DRAFT and planning
P.S. My messages are open! Let's connect!
Published Works
The Hidden (w)Hole of a Heart ~ Literally my whole heart shat out onto paper. But seriously tho it's available on Amazon now and I would appreciate any support. In actuality, it's a story about a young woman (Yours Truly) coming to terms with her deeply feeling nature and Depression. The poems describe the heaviness of emptiness and the overwhelmingness of intense emotions.
Excerpts:
Haunted House
Feelings stick to my walls like ghosts,
How is an exorcism performed on a memory?
How do I let them pass through me?
An Apology to The Crone
Pressing my tiny fleshy palms to my ears,
I refused to hear the wisdom of the crone.
Her voice was scratchy with use,
As she warned me of my journey.
I’d close my eyes with every disaster.
The niggling feeling would whisper a wrong,
And I’d pray to God my feet were swift,
So, they could carry me away.
I’d refuse to harden,
Reasoning that beauty is only found in the soft.
I waited to be taken by my knight.
I never cared that the gleam in her armor was an illusion.
I stand unprepared for the cruel world.
Preserved in my maidenhood.
Having grown tired of disobedience,
The crone has abandoned me.
Only now do I see the clarity of your wisdom,
I will forever be sorry.
A Terrible High
on occasion
there are quiet moments
where minds begin to fill blanks
when small things grow
rock to boulder
smashing me against the ground
flat
nothing
2D
I’m nonexistent.
If I were nonexistent
the boulder would simply blow through
and I’d be nothing.
And I’d be okay.
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9 People Tag
Thank you @squarebracket-trick for the tag!!
These little ask game things are so fun and I’m starting to get her hang of them-
Tagging (with no pressure, of course): @hallwriteblr @rbbess110 @covenscribe @scribe-of-stories @dyrewrites @bloomibee @lilac-honey @at-thezenith @antihell
Three ships:
Radiodust (I will ship the asexual with the hooker and they WON’T fuck)
My book series OTP (they will never be together in canon again)
Any of my OCs X Any of my mutuals/friends’ OCs (yes I am wholeheartedly serious I cherish spontaneous crack ships with my life)
Currently listening:
uuuh it was some remix of Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service” (i have two characters who play Just Dance and imagining them to that brings me to hysterics) because I was stuck cleaning the house today
Last movie:
NIMONA. OH MY GOD.
I’ve been a fan since 4th grade when I read the comics for the first time. To see it made into a movie- I can’t. I’m in love.
Plus it’s hilarious because ever since I’ve made friends watch it, they’ve been like “it’s you” “they made a movie about you” and one time I made a joke about being a Nimona cosplayer and my best friend of almost 6 years (my favorite person ever) looked me dead in the eyes and said “wym cosplayer, that’s just how you look” and I’ve never been one hit KOed so fast. Anyways I am normal and regular about the gender movie of all time.
Carrying on-
Currently reading:
Like 5 WIPs that friends of mine have been gracious enough to share with me. I am in love with all of their writing but one in particular who’s finally started to pursue writing as a possible career (they have tumblr if you’re reading this yes I’m talking about you ily hi) has absolutely blown me away with their artistic talent. They have a way with words and a story that I am feral for and rooting for.
Also, my old rough drafts!
Along with Silver (Chris Wooding), Asylum (Madeline Roux), and A Court Of Thorns and Roses (Sarah J Mass).
Currently watching:
The save 5 YouTube videos. Over and over. Someone please save me from myself /lh
Currently Consuming:
Uhhh the answer is unfortunately nothing-
I’m hungry but too tired to get out of bed so I haven’t eaten yet-
Hopefully later tonight
Currently Craving:
Creamy horchata. Like the kind you make with sweetened condensed milk. The good shit.
Last thing researched (for writing purposes):
Depression and the different coping mechanisms that go along with types of trauma. (Ie what coping mechanisms go along with what feelings that come from a traumatic event)
Current Obsession:
Both Nimona and my WIPs! I have two writing projects that I’m just getting back into, and I’m really really excited about that.
(If anyone is interested in them let me knoW /lh)
Anyways yes
Go forth and tag more people, my wonderful morbos
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20 Questions For Fic Writers
Thanks for tagging me @marley-manson! <3
I would tag people but it's late and my brain is tired so literally, PLEASE just adopt this tag meme if you see it and read the whole thing. You have my full permission to say I tagged you, even if we've never spoken lol. Go for it, be audacious.
1. How many works do you have on Ao3?
2. What's your total Ao3 word count?
43,487!
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Well the posted fic is a Berserk fic, but I have various other wips that I pick away at when I'm bored. Among them include Eyeshield 21, MDZS, RotE, Harry Potter (technically?). Those are the most recent ones anyway.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Chain of Dissent, she's my favorite fic <3 (she's my only fic)
5. Do you respond to comments?
Yeah I try to! Though I'll admit uhhhh I haven't updated it in... fucking? two years? god, and so I've been bad about responding to the more recent comments because I feel guilty for not updating in so long :') Really gotta get back to it.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
None, because I haven't finished a fic yet lol
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Not so far! I've gotten a couple of comments that come across as unintentionally mildly rude, but definitely nothing that constitutes as hate.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Well not so far in CoD, but, ahem, I have written smut in one of my wips lol. Deeply self indulgent but I guess character driven? It's mildly nasty and desperate <3
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I haven't actually written a crossover (yet. well, recently) but they are a bit of a passion of mine lmao. I love ridiculous crossovers, and I'm talking about "a magical portal opens up and throws characters from fandom A into the world (& characters) of fandom B" type shit. I don't need the ways in which the characters interact to make sense, I just want them to be thrown together and see where it goes from there. Fish out of water shenanigans! Characters questioning their own motivations and idea of life by seeing a world entirely different from theirs!! Just like, fun shit! I also absolutely don't need for the two fandoms to be similar lol. I have a somewhat detailed Berserk/Eyeshield 21 crossover living rent free in my head so clearly anything goes.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I'm aware of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Lol no.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Nope!
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
I'll probably have to say GriffGuts, because it's a ship that's gripped me by the neck for the past 7 years or something, where my interest in it hasn't really waned.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
Uhhhh, idk? I mean I am DETERMINED to finish CoD, so that's out. And the wips I write in my spare time are just like, things I do for fun where I don't put any pressure on myself over it. I'm not planning on posting them anywhere, and I'm not generally planning on 'finishing' them either. I mean if I do finish one, I might post it, but again, they're low key things that I'm not taking too seriously.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Hm. I honestly don't consider myself a very strong writer, at least in terms of things like prose and sentence structure, grammar, that sort of thing. I think I'm pretty decent at figuring out the direction that I want the story to go, and all the individual steps that need to happen to get to that point in a way that feels organic (at least, imo.) And I like to think I'm pretty good at characterization-- having the characters behaving and reacting in ways that feel like could concievably happen in canon is generally what I'm going for.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Yeah prose, lol. I mean, I don't actually dislike my more.... utilitarian writing style, mainly because I generally prefer reading more direct writing (unless the lyrical writing is really really good), but I do think I could inject some more illustrative details and metaphors into my writing overall. @marley-manson is SO good at coming up with perfect metaphors to describe a situation or feeling, all while perfectly recreating the character's voice, and I really admire that about her writing!
I also want to get better with having characters like, doing things while they're talking. I find a lot of the conversations I write happen between characters just kind of standing around, which obviously is fine but I'd like to construct scenes with a bit more specificity in the future.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Wait so like, say in a fic that is otherwise written in English, having a line of dialogue written in Spanish when a character is speaking it? I... don't have strong feelings about it one way or the other I guess lol. I mean ideally the line(s) written in the other language are correct lol, and not just badly google translated or something.
Though you know, now that I think about it, I feel like it would work best between languages that use the same alphabet (which does end up narrowing the possible languages down quite a lot) because that way the reader can still sound out the dialogue even if the don't understand the language, which could emulate what the pov character is experiencing. Whereas if it was a fic written in English, and then had a line written in, say, Japanese, the reader wouldn't even be able to sound it out so it's kind of a brick wall. (Unless there's footnotes, but that tends to be a little more clunky in fic than in a published book with pages).
If the readers are supposed to understand the dialogue written in another language, like two characters suddenly start speaking in said other language and we're meant to keep up with the conversation, then I feel like it's just easier to translate their words in whatever language the fic is written in otherwise.
But yeah idk, I think with intent and good execution, anything can work, but it could also be done in a way that's more annoying than anything.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
I think. It was neopets LMFAO. I remember writing a fic when I was like 10 about Hannah (the adventurer) and Jacques (from the maraqua plot comic) as a romantic couple because I was annoyed at the time that there were multiple fics about Hannah and Garin (or whatever his name was, also from the maraqua plot) getting together even though I thought Garin was BORING and they were just shipped together because they were both usuls (which are overrated imho), even though Jacque was obviously better.
... I may have had a crush on Jacques.
But the first fic that I think I posted anywhere was for Xiaolin Showdown lmfao, probably also when I was 10 or 11 or something. I wrote like four separate fics for that show.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
Yeah it's CoD lol. It's the longest thing I've written so far, and I'm overall still very proud of it. I'd probably go back and change some things in the first chapter because it reads a little clunky and like, abrupt to me now, but I'm not doing that until I finish the fic. Allowing myself to go back and edit stuff before I've even finished the story seems like a road to ruin lol.
#tag meme#marley-manson#ty for tagging me! this was fun#but now i am yawning all over the place so I gotta sleeeepppp#have work in the morning rip
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤
OOF...well, since most of my favorite pieces of writing are eternal wips, I guess I'll just post the snippets here, haha. Please bear in mind that nearly all of them are over a year old, and none of them are very good—I do draw more than I write, after all. But I do dabble here and there and so yeah! This is some of that!
5. Untitled WIP
This is suuuper old, one of the first things I wrote after watching the movie again in early 2022 and falling deep down the rabbit hole. It's actually not that great and is pretty sad in it's entirety, so I tried to grab the better chunk, haha. Try, if you can, to mind the first person pov—I know better now.
It's been years and I still really miss you, Jack. All I known in life is the feeling a missing you. You think I'd get used to the feeling, what with all them months and miles between us in the before times, but this missing you runs so much deeper than these tired bones have ever known before.
Yanno how you said your Mama believed in the Pentecost? She ever tell you 'bout that Bible story, how God made Adam and Eve? It goes like this—the Lord took a big pile a sand and breathed into it to make Adam, then he took Adam's rib and from it, went on to make Eve.
Was thinking on it the other day and figured, what if that's how God made the two a us? What if he breathed life into a pile a horse shit, then when I came up, took my rib, put it in a rodeo fuck up and sent the two a us out to the world, pair a deuces trying to fnd their way? I always thought maybe this hurt was emptiness, where my heart went missing after you were gone 'cause you'd taken it like you took my shirt. Now I'm thinking, what if the pain's from that ol' rib coming back after you died to settle in where it don't belong no more? Tryna rearrange all my insides that gone without for so long, and my body's rejecting it like a horse rejecting rider 'cause it knows it don't belong to me no more, never did, neither.
Then again, maybe it's just busted up in there. Maybe it has been since the summer a '63, and I just ain't taken notice 'til you went on and met your maker.
Maybe this ol' heart's just broken.
Know I shouldn't be asking shit from you considering all the ways I took and didn't give you nothing but hurts in return, but I’m asking as a man who never asked for nothing from you, neither—you wait for me, Jack Twist, just a little longer. Used to say that I couldn't wait to see you again, but you helped give me a second shot, try and fix up what I didn’t think I could hardly stand no more. Now I know I can bid my time here a while longer, being a daddy and granddaddy, living out some a the life that you didn't get to have.
So you wait for me… even if it's just so I can tell you how God damn sorry I am for it all.
I love ya, little darlin'. Reckon I always have, reckon I always will. You enjoy them whiskey rivers, but make sure to save the last round for me.
4. Want
This snippet is also super old, and once again, forgive me for the first person pov. Ik a lot of ppl don't typically like it in fiction and I've also kind of grown unfond of it. I was young! I was dumb! I've learned I've learned I've learned!!!
As I'm crying and coughing up the blood from my lungs into my mouth, the second thought comes to mind: just how bad I want for Ennis to come find me, come and save me from what I know's coming next. But he weren't there. Never was, never would be. The tears came down harder 'cause a that one.
The very last impossible thing I wanted was something I dreamed of for a long time. Even though most everything I craved was outta reach, I always thought I could get it, somehow, some way if I tried hard enough. But from the very start I'd known this want was impossible, and yet sometimes I wanted it more than I wanted life itself.
Dying alone on the side a that hot Texas highway, all I wanted was to be nineteen again, close enough to touch the Heavens on Brokeback Mountain.
I thought I could hear Ennis hollering for me back at camp, and I smiled. I'm comin', cowboy.
Then I closed my eyes, and would never want for nothing again.
3. Untitled WIP
I really hope to finish this one, someday. I really like playing around with the other potential bad end of BBM, where Jack ditches Ennis for Randall after May 1983 because his hope and patience has run dry.
"Name's Randall. Educated type of fella, went to college, got him a job as foreman of the ranch down a ways from my place." Jack takes a deep breath, sighs it out. "Tells me he loves me more times 'n even Lureen's said it," he stays quiet a moment, kicks at the loose pebbles on the ground. "Tell you what—feels good to hear it, too. Man's gotta know he's loved ever now 'n' again, Ennis."
Ennis thinks of cold mountain nights filled with the bleating of sheep and illegal elk, of dozens of jobs taken and abandoned, of divorce; thinks of four years of missing and bruising kisses, of sixteen years of hands worshiping at the temple of a bull rider's broken body, and of every cold night in between filled with dreams about bright blue eyes and the warmth of a perfect smile. He thinks of the last twenty years he spent dropping everything at the siren call of a postcard, and for the first time in his life Ennis thinks about love; wonders what it might be, if not that.
But Ennis doesn't say so, just clenches his trembling fist even tighter into itself.
2. Five Boys that Jack Twist Had Liked (and One More Whom He Had Loved)
This one is another old one that I reaally hope to finish one day. I have a about 3 1/2 of the 6 part written, I just...need to find the gumption to get through the rest.
4. Andrew Peterson
Andrew had been one of his daddy's ranch hands, a boy who would've been two grades above him if Jack hadn't dropped out of high school his sophomore year. He had just graduated, was one of the lucky few whose parents didn't value his contribution to the family finances over his education, and was hired on for the summer in the hopes of making a little cash before heading out of their dead-end town and into the real world. It was a plan that Jack, at sixteen, had already been well acquainted with.
It wasn't often that the Twist Ranch hired hands around his age to help out around the place, and Jack, always the friendly type and more than just a little lonely, had been eager to make a new acquaintance. Andrew hadn't seemed to mind when Jack started taking his chores alongside him, appearing glad for the company, himself. They shared easy smiles and private jokes, becoming such good friends in such a short time that his Mama would tease about one of them losing their very shadow if the other wasn't around.
Just like with Stephen before him, Jack had been drawn to Andrew like a moth to a flame. He never understood what there was in a boy that drew his eye to them in a way that none of the fillies who flirted around with him ever did, until Andrew, after a tiring day mending the old fence posts that corralled the bulls in and about two months worth of dropping frustrated gestures and signals, had said, "Fuck it," pulled Jack out to his Daddy's feed barn and into a scalding kiss that left Jack weak in the knees.
Andrew hadn't been his first kiss—that honor had gone to lil' Miss Sharon King back in the first grade. Seeing as how Jack was well regarded amongst the ladies as a 'pretty boy', there'd been plenty of kisses after that, too. Andrew had, however, been the first kiss that finally had him understanding what all the fuss was about.
As if to slide it on home, later that summer he even made sure to be Jack's first fuck, rounding out on all the bases that left Jack with a whirlwind of questions about himself and even more feelings bursting inside than his young heart ever thought it could handle.
"Been savin' to go to school in Denver," Andrew started, breaking the silence one night out in the feed barn. They sat passing a cigarette and some of his daddy's stolen whiskey between them, riding out the residual high of a midnight roll in the literal hay. It had been dark out, and with only the full moon and the hot red cherry at the end of the cigarette bathing them in their glow, the two were effectively shielded from the scathing eyes of the light. "'m leavin' in a few months, splittin' before fall comes." His gaze was fixed somewhere on the black horizon, watching something that went unseen to Jack.
Jack felt his stomach sink like the stones he used to skip in the creek way out past his house.
"Denver? Ain't that a might bit far for some schoolin'?" He tried to laugh, but it came out sounding choked and strange. Instead, he looked down into the whiskey bottle in his hand and took a swig from it, willing its sweet burn to help him maintain an air of indifference. "What they got down there, anyway?"
Truth be told he didn't blame Andrew for wanting to go—he had been itching to leave Lightning Flat in the rearview, himself. Still, he was unsure that he wanted the conversation to continue. He didn't want to think about his new companion leaving so soon after this something between them had begun. Nevertheless, curiosity—slightly embittered—took hold and ultimately won out.
Andrew took a long drag out of the cigarette. Its hot cherry burned a bright, fiery red before dulling once more to an ashy gleam. "A chance for fellas like us," he finally breathed. The smoky tendrils made their escape past his lips, taking his words with them.
"Oh," Jack muttered after a beat of silence. He wasn't quite sure he understood, nor wanted to understand, what Andrew was getting at, but tried hard not to let his disappointment seep out into his tone regardless.
It hadn't worked. In a moment, Andrew smashed the lit butt out against the wall, leaving them cloaked in darkness once more before leaning over to kiss him sweetly. It had knocked the breath out of Jack, just like their kisses were wont to do.
"Maybe someday you can come pay me a visit. I dunno, it might just be a sweet life down there, yanno?" Andrew's smile, only barely visible under the glow of the full moon above, was easy and inviting.
For once all motormouth Jack could do was smile back before eager hands, warm like the end of the cigarette and the whiskey settled deep in his belly, were on him again, ready to reignite the fire that set Jack aglow.
That summer, Andrew had pressed red-hot marks into his flesh that would soon fade on the outside but sear into Jack's soul for a lifetime, forever branding him as the different sort of boy he had been both warned about and accused of being in the entirety of his short life.
Looking back, he realized he'd known what Andrew had meant all along. At sixteen years old Jack knew what queer was, and finally understood, with no room for doubt in his mind, that it was him. He reckoned that weren't nobody's business but his own, though.
After that summer, Jack never did see Andrew again.
Twenty-four years later, tucked cozy warm into his Colorado bed, Andrew would awake from a dream about blue eyes and wonder, not for the first time, what had ever happened to the kid who'd been his that one short summer before making the move that forever changed his life. Looking beside himself, into the handsome face that had laid dreaming beside him every night the past fifteen years, Andrew would smile and hope that, wherever Jack Twist was in the world, he had gotten out of Wyoming and been lucky enough to make his own bit of bliss out of the hard hand he'd been dealt.
1. Clipped
Summary: Tomorrow may tell another story, but for tonight, this man—with his baby blue eyes, sleepy, self-conscious grumbles, and beautiful clipped dick—was his, all his, and that was enough. It had to be enough.
Aaand here's a fic I've actually posted! Lol! Fun fact: this was actually the very first fic I wrote following watching bbm again in January 2022, and it remains like. The only thing I'm actually super duper proud of. It isn't even that good, but I'm just proud that I actually finished something for once lol.
Thanks for the ask, @alifeasvivid! :D
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i got the spoon 5-6 years ago. you know, so i'd always have one spoon left.
i have become significantly more disabled since then.
yesterday, i got this tattoo (paid for in april, but scheduling kept being weird) and had them do it specifically so that it looks like it's being summoned by my spoon tattoo. like yeah, not only am i down to my very last spoon, i gotta summon all my feral screaming and biting energy to use it.
i nearly got the flower on the top right. glad i went with the posso. i know i'll want the area between the posso and the spoon worked on a little more, but there's only so much i could ask of an artist on a greatly delayed prepaid tattoo. in the meantime, though, i am so pleased with it.
[edit] i meant to add: i haven't been around much lately, and that kinda sucks. and is probably gonna continue for a bit.
my physical health has been tanking - i legit had to draw upon my feral posso spoons to get my posso yesterday bc the artist wouldn't reschedule again and that was $80 non-refundable - but i spent around 9 hours in the ER day before yesterday, most of it in a waiting room chair. then had to do a two hour round trip for the tattoo. god bless the tattoo endorphins, i slept so soundly last night. my back is still killing me, though, between the ER and the drive. my mental health has been tanking. BADLY. the living room floor is caving in, and we might lose the house at the end of the year which...that's its own post. foreclosure shit. shit i largely have no control over because this is not my house. i need to rub more than two brain cells together to create a fundraiser about it, but i keep not having two brain cells to rub.
i am tired. i am weary. i could sleep for a thousand years.
but i'm still here, motherfuckers. 💜🩵
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After The Kill
it's been three days since chip killed Liza and he still feels nothing for her, nothing but anger how could she get him involved in something like that?,
he feels so dumb but he has the money and she never will, after driving for three days and sleeping in the car when he needed some rest he needs some food so he stops at a grocery store he sees, pulling into the parking lot he feels a bit scared and rightfully so he has been to hell and back over the past few days and he's not all together sure he has come back from hell, he finds a spot and parks the car, the still broken tail light turning off, he hopes no one finds him because of the light he was already told once to fix it and he can't get pulled over again.
"it might be time to get rid of this damn car" he mumbles as he takes off his seatbelt.
still wearing the lips shirt he took from the lost and found at the hotel he goes into the store, "it won't take long just need a few things" he thinks to himself taking a head held basket from the front of the store.
he gets some potato chips salt and vinegar and sour cream & onion, a 2-litter bottle of coke, and a candy bar Butterfinger and heads to the check out as he does he runs into a woman.
SMAK!
"oh my god!" he yelled.
"oh wow that was something, are you ok?" she asked him looking at him and has shirt with blood on it "is that from now? oh i am so sorry" the woman asks looking at chip up and down to see if he is hurt.
chip looks down at the shirt "oh shit" he thinks "um no..no i have had this shirt for so long i don't even remember how i got this blood on it "he chuckles hopping she believes him "can't you tell? i mean it all ripped up" he points it the shirt nervously.
"well yes, but it's ok, i have seen people came here wearing a lot worse." she laughed tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, revealing her pink heart earrings.
chip thought she was beautiful she had your color hair and your color eyes and was wearing a light pink V-neck shirt and dark blue jean shorts and a pink hairband.
"i guess people wear what is comfortable for them" chip tells her. "This shirt and i have a lot of memories." all bad memories he thinks to himself.
"i understand i have had some of my shirts for years i just can't seem to part with them" she smiles. shifting back and forth.
chip yawns "oh my gosh i'm sorry you aren't boring me i am just tired is all"
"ok, are you new in town? i don't remember seeing you before and i would remember you" she tells him looking him up and down this time because she thinks he is hot and because she fears he is hurt.
"um yeah, just got into town, i don't know how long i will be here for" he tells her his eyes drifting to her chest.
"well i work at a hotel just down the road i came here for some snacks to get me through the day, i can get you a room if you would like?" she offers switching the hand that is holding her basket.
he starts having flashbacks to all of the bad things that happened the last time he was in a hotel, the flashbacks happening so fast, the last few days all rushing back.
"you don't have to" she told him bringing him back to the present.
"um..i ...i think i would like to try getting a room, yes please i would like to do that" he pants and pushes his hair back from his face.
"ok, lets check out so you can check in" she giggled and rocked back and forth from her heal to toes.
'i'm y/n by the way"
"i'm chip"
"chip? i like that name" she smiles.
"thank you, i like your name too"
he looks in her basket and she has the same kind of stuff he does, he smiles looking at their baskets, then shakes his head thinking "no no chip you will not make the same mistakes you have made in the past" he tells himself shaking his head.
they both check out and walk to the parking lot.
"ok so you can follow me to the hotel and i will get you checked in ok?" she asks.
"yes lets do that"
"ok"
chip gets into his car and starts it up looking at the clock it reads 11:02pm.
they drive for about 5 minutes till they get to the hotel.
"the happy little hotel?" chip reads the sign "well it could be nice" he says out loud.
when they walk inside it's very nice, red walls, black carpet, a black sofa and a wood coffee table, there is even some muffins and coffee.
"i hope you will be happy here" she tells him putting her bag of snacks down chips eyes almost glued to her butt as she does so.
"i think i will" he tells her looking around, he has never been somewhere this nice before, he has always had to stay at cheap dirty little places.
"so it's going to be $180 a night" she tells him.
"oh right, a nice place comes with a nice price tag."
"Sadly yes"
"i have to go get the money, but i will came back i swear."
"ok" she giggles.
chip goes to the car and gets some money trying not to look suspicious as he takes the bag of money from under the car seat.
"here you go, chip hands her the money.
"thank you and you're stay comes with a complementary pancake breakfast" she tells him putting the cash in the register.
"really? and would you be dinning with me?" he asked.
"well i could if it was daring my brake."
"ok then i will see you in the morning for pancakes" chip smiled.
"see you then enjoy you're night."
"you too" chip smiled.
"no,no,no you are not going to do this again chip, not again, just walk away from this girl and don't look back, learn from your messed up past" chip told himself suddenly slamming the door as he remembered all of the shit he had been through the past few days because of the last two women he loved.
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I just got back from the emergency room.
At 6am, an irl friend (doesn’t have a tumblr) with good intentions thought I needed to see a NSFT commission my abuser purchased of her with STSC, I’m too tired to explain why, they thought they were bringing something to my attention about her lying to me about the STSC commissions from January, but like I literally already knew bc I was there 5 months ago when the lies happened? Which is what made STSC a trigger in the first place???
Anyway of course seeing my abuser is a major trigger, I can never handle it, it’s not something I can work on reclaiming. and it’s even worse seeing my main comfort character she ruined as the main commission piece… with her. like that
So. This commission was a NSFT commission of her and STSC together. Just, showing up on my phone after my friend sends me the image with a “thought you should know” caption. Felt sick immediately looking at it. Dropped my phone without even closing it out. Immediately threw up, been throwing up all night so it’s just water now
I told my friend I couldn’t look at things like that, I told them I don’t want them digging up stuff on her blogs and I definitely don’t want them showing me anything holy fucking christ I just want to forget she exists. I said this nicely of course. They apologized. I said it was fine. I’m crying my eyes out bc I’m trying to get the image out of my head. I hang up the phone. I tell myself it’s ok I have therapy in a few hours. Spoiler alert I don’t make it to therapy
Ten minutes later I get that feeling in my chest like it’s being crushed, went thru this twice before in the last few months when I saw other commissions of her posted on artists kofi pages. I try to remember it’s like the other two times I had crushing panic attacks, it will pass in a few hours, but my vision was getting black spots every so often, I’m sweating and shaking more than I usually do when this happens, I felt my left arm starting to go numb. I thought “uh oh that’s new”. Nobody else is home so I sat there wondering if I can afford to call for an ambulance. I call my dad he doesn’t pick up. I call again. He says “I don’t have time for you I have customers” and hangs up. Father of the year. I call my friends they’re all at work so they’re unable to answer. I sit there and wonder if I can afford another fucking hospital visit. My left arm is still numb. I feel my toes start to go numb. I sit there another good ten minutes telling myself to just deal with it because this is so fucking stupid. I feel my right arm starting to lose feeling. My dog is whining at me. I call 911
So another ten minutes later I’m in an ambulance, they immediately tell me I’m having a heart attack. I am torn between “fuck what the fuck? no fucking way what the fuck I’m in my early 20s what do you mean I’m having a goddamn heart attack? Over a trigger? Can a trigger give you a heart attack?? ” and also thinking “oh my god I hope this kills me please fuckjng kill me I can’t take this shit anymore god if you’re real you need to take me right now I am so sick of feeling this bad I can’t do this anymore if you’re gonna take me out then just make the heart attack quick”
I pass out
I wake up in a room and the doctors do a different type of heart test. One hour later they tell me I’m not having a heart attack and they actually misread the machine’s readings or something (which is common apparently, and the same thing happened to my dad back in August, he got false heart attack readings as well). I’m barely hearing what they’re saying bc I can’t read their lips and they’re talking too fast and not facing me directly. They keep me for 5 hours and run another test to confirm I’m not having a heart attack., or rather by that point, that I have no trace of any heart attacks. Just the worst fucking panic attacks that kept happening in succession
they say I’m having so much anxiety that it’s “worrying” and they shouldn’t be seeing levels of anxiety in someone my age. they asked if I’ve been anxious about anything particular lately I start crying I say YES I just had a major c-ptsd trigger, I’ve been stress-vomiting on and off for several hours before I even saw the trigger, and I’ve been very high alert/on edge very jittery for two days before THAT. so it’s like my brain had been building this up to happen for two days
they ask for how long I’ve had anxiety on a consistent basis like this and when the stress started and I answer it’s been like this for almost 10 months straight and then they said Oh Miss Keri you’re going to definitely have heart attacks if you don’t try to address this soon you can’t keep continuing like this and I say Oh Doctor I’m going to therapy and doing breathing exercises and meditating and before one week ago I hadn’t accessed ANY of my social media in 8 fucking months. What else can I possibly do. Genuinely. Please. Help me. And they said I basically just need to keep doing breathing exercises and therapy and drink more water and I was like. Fuck. Okay. What else. They said there is nothing else I just need to “take it easy” and I was like. Fuck! Okay!
They asked me if any of my other ptsd triggers gave me this reaction, I said no it’s literally just this one particular trigger (seeing my abuser) that sends me into a panic attack that makes me feel like my chest is getting crushed. They said to try to avoid that and I was like “okay yes” like hoo I am trying my fuckjng best here but it’s hard when! ppl keep showing me my abuser! saying oh Keri she’s talking about you and oh look keri she’s doing this and this and this oh keri see who’s talking about you in her blog see who’s saying your ptsd is fake because you drew yourself in a pink shirt 8 months ago. before the ptsd even started. bc the reading comprehension is piss poor here. ooh keri how can you have ptsd if you own a pink shirt!!!!
ppl Keep talking about her and sometimes I see her by accident when I want to check an artist’s blog and she’s right there. Obviously it’s within her rights to buy commissions, and this time I didn’t even see the comm directly sourced from her or an artist, it was my irl friend who sent it. It’s so fucking hard for me to relax when people keep talking to me about her and trying to tell me that she’s “spreading rumors about me” or “tagging me in posts” like. I don’t want to know!!! I don’t want to see her I hate her so much I will probably never forgive her for ruining me. I wish ppl wouldn’t bring her up with me !!! and it rly sucks that I have to risk seeing her Literally Everywhere bc, yes it’s within her rights to get comms from whomever she wants whenever she wants, but oh my fucking god. it’s like she is omnipresent in the tf self shipping community i have to jump thru hoops to avoid her and I can never manage one single week without seeing something and it is frustrating. I hate that I had to have such a bad falling out with a person who is nearly impossible to avoid seeing despite me blocking and blacklisting and filtering. It’s the goddamn worst. I wish we never met.
I’m sick of seeing the inside of hospitals. Sick of the smell and the beeping sounds. I want to die so bad rn I’m so sick of this happening
HATE HATE HATE that my stupid fucking traumatized brain cannot stand the image of my abuser. Hate even more that my brain associates seeing characters being affectionate with her, with the very feeling that the image provokes, and uses it as “proof” that my f/os want to hurt me, want me to feel this bad and would do it all for her. Seeing STSC be tender with the person triggering me, it does something to my brain to make me believe he doesn’t love me, I don’t know how to word it properly I’m not a fuckinf therapist and I haven’t slept properly in over 24 hours.
I Cannot see myself healing I am doing so fucking bad. Like how do I possibly recover from ptsd when it grips me by the throat and strangles me. How am I going to heal fro this if I can’t avoid her. I’ can’t just drop tf I can’t just stop self shipping I can’t just leave for another 8 months, nothing is working. I am trying everything. I tried dying multiple times when I was offline for those 8 months and hahah that didn’t fucking work either!! I am in hell!!! I just want my f/os back I want to stop being scared of them I want to believe STSC would never want me to shake like this and cry like tiis but there’s a voice in my head saying that he’ wants to hurt me, that he feels good whe I’m broken up like this. that image of him with her, seeing that while having the attack, it’s like my brain is saying “see! Look! I was right! He hates you and loves it when she hurts you! See!! See how much he loves her when she’s hurting you”
I just want to go back to normal. I hate that I can’t function. I miss myself so much I have no idea how to function like a whole entire person. I’m sorry to my friends who have to see me like this. I’m sorry to my followers who keep saying I’m their inspiration, I don’t know what you could possibly see in me when I’m like this
I’ll delete this later I am going to sleep bc I missed my therapy appointment and I am fuckjng exhausted
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Peaky Blinders Incorrect (Part Eleven)
(Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Part Ten )
(Dividers by this person here )
Michael: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out.
Gina: Fucking Thomas and Red were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves?
Red: Milfs.
Thomas: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves.
Gina: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for???
Michael: Mom in late forties, dad in late forties.
Michael: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago.
Thomas: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck.
Gina: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK—
Gina: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY!
Michael: Oh, is it not mom in late forties?
Red: What? No! It isn't!
Michael: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME!
Thomas: Michael.....
Michael: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION!
Thomas: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you.
Michael: GINA, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION!
Gina: The word milf has been ruined for me.
Red: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!
Thomas: Y'all are dumbasses.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Die.
Red: Please don't die!
Gina: DIE!
Red: PLEASE DON'T DIE!
Michael, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?
Thomas, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Red wants Gina to accept it as their kid.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: What’s up with Gina? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
Thomas: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Red: Why?
Thomas: Michael smiled at them.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: I give up. I am so tired.
Michael: Get the emergency supply!
Gina: *carries Thomas and places him in front of Red*
Thomas: *smiles*
Red: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Gina: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Thomas: FLOOR IT!!
Red: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Gina: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Red:I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Michael: DO IT!
Gina: NO-
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: What do you want then?
Gina: Er… something work related.
Red: What department is this?
Gina: Sorry?
Red: Well, if it’s work related you’d obviously know what department this is. What department is this?
Red: *looks at Michael and Thomas* Some sort of homosexual department?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Gina: That's deep.
Michael: That means that ketchup is a smoothie.
Gina: That's deeper.
Thomas: ...You guys are idiots.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: Thomas’s gonna kill me.
Gina: No, they'll probably make me do it.
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Red, talking about Michael: Is this a friend of yours, Thomas?
Thomas: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.
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Thomas: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!
Red: Alright.
Michael: Hey, I-
Thomas: SHUT UP!
Michael: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!
Red: It was bound to be stupid.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thomas: Wow! Gina made you cry?
Red, tearing up: Yes, and they said some really mean things that are only partly true.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael, knocking on the door: Thomas, open up!
Thomas: It all started when I was a kid.
Michael: That’s not what I-
Red: Let them finish!
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Michael: *Holds a sign that says "Prom?" outside Red's window*
Michael: OH my God, Yes!
Thomas: *Yelling up* No, tell Red!
Michael: Red! I'm going to prom with your lover!
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Michael, watching Gina do something stupid: Thomas, you're officially only the second highest risk here.
Thomas: Hell yeah! I'm gonna—
Michael: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.
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Michael: Red is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life!
Thomas: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!
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Michael: Red, I know you love Thomas. I mean, we all do, he is a very nice person and I respect him immensely.
Michael: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red, grinning: Before you were what?
Michael: Before I was-
Red: What?
Michael: Before I was inter-
Red: Before you were interrupted?
Michael: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-
Red: What?
Michael: *makes frustrated sound*
Gina, nervously: Stop that. Before he hurts you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: Thomas annoyed me today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.
Michael: There is nothing special about tomorrow.
Red: But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as panic takes over.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Michael has no survival skills, his need to win has replaced him.
Thomas: That can't be true!
Gina: Watch this.
Gina: Hey Michael, race you to the bottom of the stairs!
Michael: *Throws himself out a window*
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.
Michael: What's wrong with you??
Red: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.
Gina: No, he means other than that.
Red: Ohhhhhh.
Red: I haven't slept in 4 days.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: I hate to to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.
Gina & Thomas:
Gina: Was it Thomas?
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Gina: YOU CHEATED!
Red: So did my dad, but hey, my mom knew it all and even sorted out their wedding, so what’s the problem?
Thomas: I… can confirm that that actually happened.
Gina: …What.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Did you take out Thomas as I requested?
Red: Thomas has been taken out, yes.
Gina: You have my grat-
Red: It was a great restaurant.
Red: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
Red: Thomas proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thomas: Michael gave me a get better soon card.
Red: That's sweet!
Thomas: I wasn't sick, they just think I can do better.
-----------------------------------------------------------
*Something crashes*
Michael: Shoot-
Red: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!
Gina: *walking by the room calmly* What died?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: Hah! 69! you know what that means?
Thomas: What?
Gina: That you're a child.
Michael: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!?
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Thomas: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.
Michael: Uh, Red and Gina are not getting along.
Thomas: They’re not trying to kill each other.
Michael: You may have a point.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Red: Not if they consent to it.
Thomas: Depends on who your stabbing.
Michael: YES??!!?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?
Red: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside*
Michael: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside*
Thomas: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple*
Gina: I hate all of you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: Those darn tall old people.
Thomas: Darn em' indeed.
Gina: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough.
Red: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead.
The Squad:
Red: Hahaha.
Red: ...Is this self-destructive behavior?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Gina: Where's Thomas?
Michael: Don't worry, I'll find him.
Michael, shouting: Red sucks!
Thomas, distantly: Red is the best person ever! Fuck you!
Michael: Found him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
Thomas: Well, that was entirely predictable.
Michael: One of them punched a gang member.
Thomas: Gina?
Michael: Red, actually.
Thomas: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: That's ridiculous, Gina doesn't have a crush on me.
Red: Yes she does.
Thomas: Yes she does.
Gina: Yes I do.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: *falls down the stairs*
Thomas: Are you okay?
Red: Stop falling down the stairs!
Gina: How’d the ground taste?
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Michael, watching Thomas and Gina fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Red, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.
Michael: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?
Thomas: Red.
Gina: Red.
Red: Me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thomas: Why is Michael crying on the floor?
Red: They're drunk.
Thomas: And?
Red: They saw a picture of Gina's spouse.
Thomas: But they're Gina's spouse.
Red: I know.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Michael: How late were you up last night?
Gina & Thomas, in tandem: Me?
Michael: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.
Michael, to Red: You.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thomas: *tapping fingers on table*
Red: *taps fingers back furiously*
Gina: …What’s going on?
Michael: Morse code. They’re talking.
Thomas: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
Red: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Thomas: The cow??
Red: What?
Gina: Thomas, W H Y?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Red: What if people had food names and food had people names?
Gina: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having Red for dinner.
Thomas: What is wrong with you people?
Michael: Shut up, chocolate.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thomas: You’re such a dumbass (affectionate).
Red: Aww, you’re such a whore (complimentary).
Michael: How are you talking like that in real life?
Red: Witchcraft (derogatory).
#peaky blinders au#peaky blinder#peaky blinders modern au#modern thomas shelby#modern tommy shelby#Michael Gray#Michael Shelby#Gina Gray#Peaky Blinders Incorrect Quotes
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26012024 LONG ASS RAMBLING/ VENTING. GET'S BORING AF.
I'm having the agressive flashes in my mind again bc my neighbours have been yelling and being loud for the past 5 hours and I do not cope well with unwanted noise.
I'm even scared of myself for the moment I might actually snap (someones neck). I allready saw it in my mind; me telling them to be quiet because it's late allready and them laughing at me because I'm a short, weak, little girl, what am I gonna do about it. Then :
A. Pulling a knife out and attacking.
B. Going back in to grab my airsoft pistol and aiming for eyes.
C. Letting the guy know that it doesn't matter if I'm small, I can yell real fucking loud if I want to and I wanna yell something like 'DO YOU WANT ME TO YELL IN MY APARTMENT TOO' or 'IF YOU CAN'T BEHAVE LIKE A MAN THEN GO SOMEWHERE TO ACT LIKE THAT' or something. Idk. I'm really bad at improvising effective insults when I'd need to cause some heart felt emotional damage. I hope that would at least cause damage to his ears if nothing else.
In reality I can't do shit. I can't do shit about anything. I'm a powerless, weak little scum, I just have to put up with this, if I snap I'll just embarrass myself. I don't wanna cry bc everything makes me feel like shit about myself. I don't even feel real anymore. My whole life is a joke and I don't think I'll ever get better. I really need to scream. Like I REALLY NEED TO SCREAM. I need to just fucking be somewhere where NO ONE can hear me breakdown. And I have to be certain that there is NO WAY anyone can know.
Last summer, I used to rent a studio. Just to. Be alone. Be somewhere quiet. Blast music so fucking loud. Scream my lungs shit. Literally the only thing that somewhat kept me from destroying myself in the shit pit that was 2023. The studio was taken down about the same time I moved out, about 4 months ago. I have no fucking relase from this pent up rage, it just compresses inside of me until I fucking spill and I destroy something again.
I miss my violent dreams... please, let me go lucid again I need to have control over something, my life is a lost cause. I want to. Do horrid things to non existent people in my dreams. I want to kill that one son of a fucking whore again. He fucking violated me and ripped me off. Stepping on shit isn't bad enough. I want him to fucking suffer. And I want to fucking destroy him over and over and over and over again. Bc I cannot. forgive. what he did to me. Can I just please have my vengence even in my crimson dripping dreams because I know I can't do shit in real life even if I did snap and go berserk on people.
I'm so sick of being weak and powerless and small and useless.
Non-threat and well meaning, always trying to help.
Just to get used and used and used and used and used again and again and again and again.
Nothing seems to make me feel better anymore, nothing makes the feeling go away. Nothing is satisfying.
I can't even sleep like a normal person.
I wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with me or how to fix it but I kind of don't want to and it seems there is so much wrong and broken, I'm like some infinite source of bad energy, I poison everything around me.
I have drug induced moments of 'not-being all of the above' but I dunno how I can fight it on my own. Being full of depressed rage is kind of all I know. All I can remember. Like an abusive home, but it's still home. I wish I could wipe my memory clean and try to make it better. I miss the days I was sick, back then I had a reason to fight. Now I kinda don't. I'm getting screwed over by the system that was supposed to help me. And I'm too stupid to find another way out of this myself. I wish I could. Wish I had a working brain and wasn't so god damn tired all the time. If I was smart I would use all this time to advance the progress on things I used to care about. It's been years and I still can't figure out what caused this. That nothing interests me anymore. That I don't care anymore. Eveything just sucks. And I should die.
Idk. I wish I had fucking drugssssss (and before you call me an addict, you can't assume that bc you dunno everything) it's the only thing that has helped me and I can't get any and what the fuck, how the fuck, I can't fucking cope with this. I feel like this is slipping back to what it was before, just all suicide suicide suicide in my mind, all the time. Alcohol and sleeping pills bc I can't sleep. I can't sleep again, the insomnia makes it so much worse and the pills don't work. I just want to sleep, I'm so tired all the time. I'm so tired please end me
#vent#i hate myself#trauma dump#insomnia#tw abuse#i guess#tw sh related#tw substance abuse#i don't fucking know#tw sui ideation#Don't tell me to get therapy#kill me
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What Died Didn’t Stay Dead
Masterlist
A/N: Hello and welcome to What Died Didn’t Stay Dead! I started working on this fic around the time of TXT’s latest comeback, and after a lot of work (and procrastination) it’s finally ready to be uploaded! I’ll be co-uploading on AO3, so feel free to leave comments and kudos over there as well. Lastly, this is the first long-form fic- or story in general- that I’ve ever written, so my formatting and layout may change. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy it!
Prologue
6/13/2013
Jin
I never really liked this place, if I’m being honest.
I’m not sure why. Usually, Universtar is a top destination for kids around here. Ever since I had to attend Jungkook’s 10th birthday party, I’ve felt uneasy whenever I go inside.
Especially around those freaky ass robots.
Yet here I am, at 18 years old, parked outside the place waiting for the rest of my friends. Typically, a few would be in the backseat; God knows my truck has the space for it. But Yoongi agreed to swing by the dance studio to get Hoseok and Jimin, and Taehyung is helping Jungkook with math. So my backseat wasn’t needed this time around.
I decided to head inside the place. Namjoon gets off his shift in 5 minutes (I have no idea how he can stand working at this dump, but hey, cash is cash) so I can wait around for him. I push open the glass doors and get a blast of noise. It’s a mix of kids screaming, arcade games playing music, and the robots doing their thing on the main stage. They’re supposed to be some sort of band of misfits, all brightly colored to appeal to the kids. They all make me feel uneasy, but there’s one that there’s something really off about. It’s this giant white alpaca. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s 7 feet tall or that its eyes have this weird glow. Whatever it is, I’ve always been pretty creeped out by RJ.
Eventually, Namjoon emerges from the back. He looks tired, but his eyes brighten when he sees me.
“God, what a fucking day.” he sighs as he flops into a booth near where I’m standing. “Some kid threw up in the ball pit. Guess who had to clean that shit.”
“Damn. How many kids do you think have done that?”
“I try not to dwell on that. Especially since Jungkook always jumps in there.”
I shudder at the thought. I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t do that this time. Almost on cue, the door swings open, and the other 5 pile in, talking loudly amongst themselves. Once they catch sight of us, they quickly head over.
“Joonie! Jin! There you guys are!”
“The ride here was pure hell. Hobi and Jimin were fighting over the radio the whole damn time.”
“He said he hates Baby One More Time.”
“And I’ll do it again!”
“And I’ll slap you both.”
I can’t help but smile at them. We’re all so different, but we go together like a puzzle. Yoongi’s blunt words, Jimin’s free spirit, Jungkook’s rebellious attitude. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
“Enough arguing! Let’s get a pizza. I’m starving.” Taehyung says as he plops down in the firm booth next to Namjoon.
“Great, as long as I don’t have to cook it”
Yoongi starts towards the counter to get our usual order of a pepperoni pizza with a side of nachos, and the younger ones hurry towards the arcade. For a split second, I get this weird gut feeling, like something is about to go seriously wrong.
“Hey JK, don’t get in that ball pit.”
“For the last time, I am not putting my job on the line just so you guys can quote-unquote ‘explore’.”
“Come on Joonie! Please?” Jungkook begs with wide eyes.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun! We promise to be discreet.” Taehyung adds.
The younger 3 have gotten bored of the arcade, and have decided that it’d be a good idea to sneak around in the back where they keep the spare parts for the robots. Namjoon, however, would prefer to keep his job.
“Absolutely not! Besides, it’s a miracle we even convinced Jin to come through the doors. He’s not gonna want to go back there.”
“I can wait out here if it comes down to it,” I say, which causes Jungkook to look at me with wide, grateful eyes.
“See? He says it’s fine!”
“You wouldn’t want to say no to your best friend in the whole world, right Joon?”
“No, I’m his best friend!”
Namjoon puts his thumb and pointer finger between his brows. “Fine. You give me a headache, all of you.”
“YES! You’re the best, Joon!”
I can’t help but laugh to myself. Namjoon may act annoyed, but we all know he can’t say no to the young ones, especially Jungkook. None of us can, honestly. Something about their youthful spirits makes us want to do anything and everything for them.
“You want one of us to wait with you, Jin?” Yoongi asks.
“If you don’t mind, sure. Hobi and Namjoon are in charge.”
“Sweet!” Let’s go then!” Jimin announces, and the 5 of them head off to a door that reads Employees Only in neon yellow letters.
Once they’re out of earshot, Yoongi turns to me. “Wanna smoke?”
“Hey, why not?”
We head outside, and Yoongi grabs a cigarette for us both and his lighter. Namjoon would be throwing a fit if he were here right now. But Yoongi and I are 18 and graduated last week, so we’re in the clear. I light my cigarette and take a drag. It still feels strange going down, and I start hacking my lungs out after a few seconds, which causes Yoongi to chuckle to himself. He lights his and hits it almost perfectly.
“How the fuck are you so good at that already?”
“Shhhhh. Don’t question me, hyung,” he replies with a shit-eating grin. He knows I hate that honorific; it makes me feel like an old man. I hit him in the arm, and he drops his cigarette. He curses, picks it up, and hits it again, which makes me cringe.
“You did not just hit that thing.”
“Hey man, these things are expensive. You’re lucky you’re my friend and gave me rides to work until I got my license.”
I roll my eyes. “And bought you meals. And a new guitar. And concert tickets. And food for your cat.”
“Don’t make me call you hyung again.”
“Asshole.” I turn towards the door. “Doesn’t this place close in, like, 5 minutes?”
“Yeah. Namjoon is usually punctual about time. Huh.” Yoongi puts out his cigarette. “You finish yours. I’ll go hunt them down.”
“Alright. Hey Yoongi?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful.”
“Yeah, yeah.” And with that, he heads inside, letting the glass doors shut behind him.
I take one last hit, and for once don’t hack myself silly. Take that, Yoongles. I step on the cigarette to put it out and head back inside, expecting to bump into the others.
Besides the employee who’s wiping down the faux wood tables, the place is empty. Even the animatronics aren’t on stage anymore; they’re probably being repaired in the back. Not a sign of my friends anywhere.
Looking around the place, I realize that it’s pretty eerie after closing time. All of the arcade games are unplugged, so it’s far darker than usual. The sound of kids and the music is gone. It almost feels like it’s void of life.
I also notice that the door they used to get into the back is still propped open. Maybe they got lost back there. After a bit of pondering, I finally decided to go in and track them down. I’m a grown man, for God’s sake. I can go into the back of a restaurant for kids. I take one last look to make sure no one is watching and slip through the door.
Jesus, it’s dark.
There’s only a handful of emergency lights still on, so it’s pretty difficult to navigate my way through the hallway and check all of the doors. So far, there are only two: the break room and another door that seems to be closed.
I decided to start with the break room since that door was open. I can see there’s a worn-down sofa, a cheap coffee maker, and one of those posters that read You Must Wash Your Hands Before Returning To Work by the door. Upon closer inspection, I see a drawer on the table where the coffee maker is. I quietly walk over and open it. Inside is a flashlight and a note that says: In the event you must enter the Backstage area, carry me at all times.
Okay…? That’s not creepy at all. I grab the flashlight and check if it works, and it does. After doing a 360 around the room with this newfound light, I come to the conclusion they’re not here and leave the room, closing the door behind me.
That leaves the room with the closed door. As I get closer to it, I realize it isn’t closed; rather, it’s open just a crack. I slowly push it open and shine the light inside.
At first, I couldn’t see anything. Once my eyes adjust, I conclude that this is where they repair the robots. There were spare heads, some gears, and various tools scattered around. It was a bit surreal; these things are just robots.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see something shiny on the floor. I shine the light onto it and immediately register what it is.
Yoongi’s lighter. Must’ve fallen out of his pocket. Carefully, I reach over and pick it up. He’ll thank me a thousand times over; he just bought this one.
As I’m inspecting the lighter for damage, I see something strange in my peripheral vision. It almost looks like a puddle, but it’s too dark to be water or even oil from the bots. I make my way closer, and the realization of what it is makes my heart stop.
Blood.
I cautiously make my way towards it, a sense of dread washing over me. Once I round the corner that the puddle is coming from, what I see makes my stomach turn over on itself.
My friends are right here before me, but in a way that I’ve never even begun to picture seeing them. Their bodies sprawled about; evidence of struggle on Jimin, Namjoon, and Yoongi. Their eyes staring at me, glazed over and lifeless. Their blood mixing to form a massive puddle that covered everything. On the wall above them, written in this very blood, was a single sentence.
We Are Not Seven With You
Jungkook was closest to me. I knelt over his lifeless form and carefully closed his eyes. It wasn’t until now that I felt the hot tears running down my face, and what had happened to the people I loved more than anything in the entire world finally dawned on me. My whole body seemed to give out, my chest wracking with loud sobs. They’re gone. It’s all over. It’s my fault. It’smyfaultit’smyfaultit’smyfaultit’smy-
A sound behind me brings me back to reality. I wipe my eyes and instantly register a shadow to my right. I turn and see a pair of large white feet standing right in the middle of the puddle. My eyes follow the figure upwards to a red bandana and a pair of glowing eyes.
It’s the fucking RJ bot.
And it has a chef’s knife from the kitchen.
I must’ve blacked out at the sight of it because the next thing I knew I was outside and gasping for air in an alley. I look down and see a deep, bloody gash on my arm. Almost instantly, the pain hits, and I see stars, a whole galaxy behind my eyes.
And everything goes dark.
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I rarely post on here but I’ve been having the shittiest past 2 days and with everything else I’ve been dealing I’m about to breakdown.. so guys please don’t feel like you have to actually read this you can scroll right past it I just need to rant.
So back in July I got a new job I had just turned 27 and I was with a great guy, felt like this was my year. Nope. 2 weeks before I was to start my new job, my boyfriend ended things with me he did it very respectfully which made it even harder for me to hate him and it broke my heart and to make things worse I got an std from him a week before. After the break up I figured with my new job it will keep me busy. I work at a children’s museum and I’ve been there 5 months and I fucking hate it there. Management is so fucking disorganized it’s a joke, my boss is an unprofessional bitch she treats us with no respect and our hourly wage is not a livable income especially for the work we do they could add another dollar or 2. Especially if they have the money to replace/touch up the marble floor. If it weren’t for my coworkers and us supporting one another, I would’ve gone bat shit crazy. Outside of work life I started seeing another guy and he seems like a nice guy but I’m not sure where it’s going. All I know is after I returned from Christmas vacation I wasn’t feeling well “down there” so I went to my doctor yesterday to get tested and I am PRAYING it’s not another std because if it is I’m going to end things with him because on our second date before we got into it I was upfront with him about my previous diagnosis. Now bring us to today I go outside to put air in my tires because before I left for the holiday I had the low pressure light come on my dashboard and I was like I’ll deal with this when I come home. It was more than low air.. I had a damn flat tire. So on top of a shitty boss, a possible std god I’m hoping it’s only a yeast infection now I have to buy new tires.. I literally just got paid today too and I’m already blowing through it between cc bills and car bills etc. anyways that’s where I am today lol😭
Oh! And I also have to deal with a delusional aunt where every time I have a conversation with her when I talk about how I’m doing she’ll bring the conversation back to her and what she’s been dealing with. And it’s the same thing every . Single. Time. She’s currently seeing a therapist and the therapist claims she’s doing well but I think it’s because my aunt isn’t telling her everything she’s feeling. And my cousin and sister agree because they experience the same thing when they talk to my aunt.
Anyways… for those who did read my little rant, thank you🥺🙏🏼Like I mentioned before I just needed to vent, let everything off my chest. I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety to the point where I am having anxiety attacks. Not fun. Again thank you for listening/reading. Love you and appreciate you! Here’s to hoping 2024 brings a better year for everyone
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oh my fucking god im 18 in a week
god i was about to write some sappy shit and it just it me and its over im no longer a child ever ever again after this and im crying im fucking sobbing its 2:29 in the morning and i have school tmrw and my jaw is shaking because i cant stop sobbing. this is the end. the final nail in the coffin of childhood. i cant do this im not ready please take me back im so sorry i know i wasnt a good person but also maybe i was 15 for fucks sake im so sorry ive hurt so many people and i cant take it back i cant even do mothers day right for gods sake my mom has to deal with me so much im so so so sorry mom i love you so much and i cant even show it properly god i cant do this i can barely do mondays god im losing myself im losing myself so much. ive been a wreck on legs for a decade and im getting slower i cant do this anymore i cant do anything properly by myself anymore i am so fucking bad at this i had so so so much more i wanted to do by the time i hit this for some reason magic number 18 and god im such a fucking failure. im so so so sorry. why am i so wrong. jackie has to put up with me my friends just deal with me i can see it when they instantly tune out they dont care anymore because ive been too high around them too many times they instantly think i have nothing useful to say or they just dont care and i get it i fucking get it i beg and beg and plead for change but i just cant do it its too much to handle and its too much to do and i cant handle it because im fucking useless. everyone around me is going to these universities and i feel like im losing myself even after having a plan. i dont know what to do. i has supposed to do more things than ive done and im so lazy and useless and shes going to leave me once shes had enough of my bullshit and no matter how much i care i can never show it properly never take the actions to do it properly. why is everyone else always doing it better, why do they seem more put together. i cant do this anymore. what wall am i behind that im missing just how horrible am i at everything god im so fucking bad at this. it took a very long time to understand just how deep the hate for myself goes. im battling myself. im so so tired. i need help and im still never going to ask for it in the way i need, that would be too much out of someone. i cant do this anymore, my body is tired, my mind is tired, i want to wither away. all of my desperate reaches to be noticed, to be a mark on the world is overwhelmed by not wanting to be a burden onto the people around me. i can barely show the right love back to the people who love me, the people who care about me. if im going to be worth nothing, then i shouldnt be taking up this space and time and become nothing. I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT HERE. I TRIED TO END IT 5 TIMES BUT OUT OF PURE SPITE OF DEATH I REMAIN HERE. I LIVE. I LIVE!!! I LIVE AND I LOVE AND I BREATHE. I REMAIN HERE TO LOVE. PLEASE READ THIS. PLEASE REMEMBER ME. PLEASE ASK ME HOW IM DOING AND ASK AGAIN WHEN ITS OBVIOUSLY THE WRONG ANSWER. PLEASE ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM. IM SORRY I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE THE BEST PERSON OR FRIEND OR PARTNER OR SON BUT IM TRYING IM TRYING GODAMMIT WHAT IS THIS FOR IF NOT TO TRY AND TRY AND TRY. I REMEMBER BEING 12 AND THINKING I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT TO 18 BUT IM HERE I FUCKING MADE IT OH MY FUCKING GOD IT TOOK SO MUCH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS AND IT MEANS FUCKING NOTHING BECAUSE THE TIME WOULDVE PASSED ANYWAYS BUT WE'RE HERE WE DID IT 15 YEAR OLD ME. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN 18 WASNT EVEN A POSSIBILITY BESIDES IN PROMISES TO PEOPLE WE CANT EVEN TALK TO ANYMORE? IM FUCKING HERE AND IT SUCKS OH MY GOD IT SUCKS SO FUCKING BADLY BUT IM STILL HERE AFTER ALL OF IT. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE GOING THROUGH SHIT RN FOR 6 MONTHS BUT I LOOK BACK AND IVE BEEN SAYING THAT ABOUT SHIT FOR YEARS AND LOOK WE'VE BEEN STAYING MOVING FORWARD. ITS SO HARD TO CONTAIN IM SHAKING AND SOBBING MY EYES OUT BUT WE DID IT WE DID IT IM PROUD OF YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH BUT WE MADE IT HERE. REMEMBER THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. BUT ITS HERE IN SPITE OF IT ALL
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I'm trying my hardest not to say I hate my life. Especially because of who I said I would not talk about again, yet doing so now. I'm trying my best to hold unto the hope that he'll die. So it is REALLY no more.
You see, I saw a video that say a people pleaser is a manipulator but not all manipulators are people pleasers. The reasoning didn't make sense when I first watched it. But then I thought about it:
A manipulators does everything in their power to selfishly get others to do what they want without obviously stating so. A people pleaser does everything in their power and capacity to get the other people to think positively or pleasingly towards them.
Both are trying to selfishly control/force the other to do or be something they selfishly want without obviously stating so. Just a manipulator tries to gain many different spectrum of things, feelings or goal. While a people pleaser's main thing, feeling or goal is to gain favour, positive feeling or be viewed pleasingly by the person.
Therefore people pleasers are a type of manipulators who specializes in that.
I knew I was manipulated from the year I met him (2019), I just do not highlight it nor mention it because I knew I already had feelings. I blamed it on that and my nativity. What I'm talking about? In 2019, I foolishly allowed certain physical actions from him that would sexually amplify my feelings for him during that time. Remember, before 2022 I only kissed a guy once and the only significant boyfriend was a long distance 5 year long foolishness where we never met until 2 years after. That means I had no physical knowledge, experience or intelligence on certain things. I literally was like a 14 year old in regard to certain experiences. I knew some things from dabbling in it with long distance guy. But the idea of something and it's affects and it actually being done to you is completely different things.
So while I was so focused on trying NOT to be a predator. I was being preyed on by a boy and his mother for YEARS.
(predators can come in any shape, age or form.)
Literally this dude was doing certain shit without my permission, tracing certain lines and attempting to invade certain spaces. To then reveal that he discovered these from reading certain book and learning certain things and was curiously testing them out on me like a fucking lab rat.
Then the year later (2020) I did not want to see it as what a friend was trying to show me, "his mom trying to secure a ticket/visa opportunity". So the person the asshole learned his mastery manipulation from was also manipulating me as well. Or his actions then an onwards. Whether withholding the truth so that he could people please and try to garner favour from me. Or making me the scapegoat when it all hit the fan. Gaslighting me about what went down. Doing all he can to garner favour from others as I look like a FUCKING fool.
I really do NOT like talking about it nor thinking about it. I didn't even care to share all that to garner support for my stance, decision and unwavering plan for his death.
I really do NOT want to have anything to do with him. So much so when I was so drowsy today. I shared it was from a bad decision (binge watch a show last night), which wasn't the true reason for my sleep deprived disposition. I still persisted that it is. Why? Because I do not want to discuss how God had me up the WHOLE NIGHT with NO SLEEP bringing back the soul-tied "marriage" shit the whole time. Something I I allowed to do in faith-ful obedience but I now regret nor want to admit.
I really am tired and OVER that shit with him, God and everything. I have not been this depressed about this in relation to that child in months. I can't wait for his death.
___________________________________________________________________________
Plus to his mother:
Just in case her appearance is not related to him but just missing our friendship. Especially, if she accept that he will do whatever he like and his consequence (death) is not hers and accepts that reality. Therefore poorly trying to rekindle a friendship. Once again and unwaveringly:
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU, AT ALL!!!!
Why?
Because of 2 things:
Lack of an apology; has to be sincere and genuine
Lack of changed behaviour.
They are BOTH REQUIRED.
An apology without change behavior is a PERFORMANCE, also another form of MANIPULATION. Simply apologizing in hopes to garner favour and not actually stopping the harmful act. This means the intent was to selfishly gain what they, crave, want wish or miss. Not out of care for my feelings or the harm they caused. This means the harmful acts WILL return.
The appearance of changed behaviour without an apology is MANIPULATION. The behavioural changes are only in hopes it would garner favour and not because of sincerity of not wanting to hurt me. It is so they can selfishly get what they want, crave or missed. Not out of care. Care would be seen when a genuine apology is given. The apology would signify, that they care about my feelings and deeply do NOT intend to do so. This means the harmful acts MAY return.
If only one is given, I will see it, acknowledge it and stay FAR AWAY from the individual or demote them to acquaintance, if necessary.
ONLY when BOTH are given would the possibility of the relation status be restored.
(For her, that option only exist AFTER he's DEAD; which is soon)
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