I never expected Sinbed to actually get any traction so now I feel awkward whenever I do anything with them because people are actually watching now. I feel like I need to do a full explanation every time. Like no I swear it’s not some weird fetishy yaoi shit I’ve got an entire narrative buildup and themes for it how do I compress that all into a quick elevator speech how do I abridge it so we’re not here all day and it still makes sense

yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit

i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.

i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.

this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them

Have an interview/introductory conversation scheduled in ca. an hour

*looks at the yaoi off* ...anyways!

happy aro week :) a few months ago i read a fic or two where kdj and yjh were in a qpr and the idea has been stuck in my mind ever since. i need more qpr joongdok fics so bad. theyre rotting my brain.

i hit them with my aroace beam. sorry. it will happen again.

anyways i hope its not obvious i only half tried on this. sorry again. i have a version without the extra stuff and a silly thing under the cut :)

i think kim dokja is a little too ourple but thats ok he deserves some ourple. hes also ball shaped if i could play basketball id fuckin slam dunk him (with love)

i have been calling this yoo egghyuk in my head. i love both transmasc and transfem yoo joonghyuk!! either way i think theyre t4t.

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase

I don't lack self confidence in my looks almost at all. No. The issue is I lack confidence in who I am as a person and sometimes it will just randomly gut punch me so hard and start to trouble completely fine and happy things.

Last night was a perfect example. Oh? Friend I've been texting for the day has party this evening? Alright that's cool already chatted a bunch I'll play a video game instead. Wait. Waiting. Wait why are you still here. Girlie stop, ignore me and go be present. More waiting. Giving up. Whatever, it's just gotta be the topic of our conversation and nothing more. Nothing to do with me actually. Aaaanf shown jokes and things and told about event as event happens.

....no????? Why????? I do not understand? There are so many people actually right there with you why are you not leaving me alone.

Anyways. See the issue? Normal things. Normal ass fucking things get me. It's not that I actually want to be alone, but that it is quite literally that hard to comprehend my presence so much as being tolerated. And there is no explanation. I just have to catch myself and tell myself it's alright, it's normal, it's not a bad thing that you don't understand. You don't need to understand. That's not your job. Just have fun and go along.

It is. Sooooo fucking stupid. I wish I could slice off even a little of that confidence on my looks and move it over to personality and character but alas, it seems futile.

i think the soldier tf2 would listen to five finger death punch

holy fuck i've had such a stressful weekend and a schedule change for my classes this week so that's even more stressful but also i think i'm being recruited into a cult and i'm freaking out!! 😍😍😍😍 i meet with them today and oh man i hope to god i'm wrong!! <33

because I am literally incapable of keeping gossip to myself

This is so stupid for me to rant about especially because I had a really good day for once-but it seems after it becomes night and the day is over the bad thoughts really hit-but I hate how I keep getting eaten with this imposter syndrome of me being not the most knowledgeable person on older anime even if I KNOW significant details there’s still so much anime generally I haven’t watched and only seen bits of-not even just like a ep, literal clips-that I should get too but forcing myself to wanna watch something yet watching things has become something I have to commit too instead of just something to do to unwind too like it should be because my brain makes ALL my hobbies be the opposite of what they are. I feel like I’m left behind from so many friends because I haven’t watched certain shows when some I don’t feel like doing right now or ever and I wonder if people are constantly disappointed in me for not doing it as if I don’t have a life and wanting to get through even a 20+ ep show is a struggle even though there’s shows longer then that I’m gonna have to watch.

I feel I ranted about this before or maybe from the mecha angle specifically but man I feel just for how much old anime I have tried is enough to make people look lowly of me.

Not happy with it

sorry i needed to vent somewhere and ended up explaining my life 😮‍💨

having conniptions at 3am as I realize that my only fully finished and realized fanfics are a one shot warrior cats vampire AU and a long ass one piece self insert shipfic that no one other than me will ever lay eyes on (probably?)

why am I like this help

x