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kenzieam · 4 years

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I Never Stopped - Chapter Three

Rating: M (smut, language, angst and sorrow)

Genre: Drama/Angst

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Okay.... I know it’s been MONTHS since I updated most of my stories, but I’m making an effort to go back and work on my unfinished ramblings, so please consider reading this newest offering....

Also, since it’s been so long, feel free to catch up here- Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two

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“He blames himself Levi... for you being abducted.”

Levi could only stare at him for a moment, completely dumbstruck. “Why the fuck would he think that?”

Steve didn’t answer, shaking his head and looking away. “I thought we were over that, you coming back must have triggered it again.”

“Goddammit Steve, explain what you mean!” Levi’s pulse was an uncomfortable tattoo in her ears, her skin beginning to feel slick with uneasy sweat. Why would Bucky think that? Had someone blamed him? Is this why he keeps himself distant, some twisted guilt?

Steve sighed, rubbing his mouth in a gesture Levi was learning meant he was particularly distressed. “He... both of us felt responsible for you disappearing, we were supposed to be watching you-”

“We were just kids! It was a freak accident!” Levi was gobsmacked, not once since she’d learned the truth about her past had she ever considered blaming anyone but her supposed parents, her captors. “Tell me that’s not true, did someone say something? Who would blame little kids?”

Steve looked down and Levi reached for him, cupping his face to force him to look at her. She pleaded with her eyes for him to speak, to deny the painful suggestion. He only shook his head sadly.

“I don’t blame either one of you. It never even occurred to me... God, that’s been his problem?” Levi’s voice cracked, pain seeping into her heart. Jesus, what a burden to carry. "Steve, look at me.” She waited until his red-rimmed eyes met hers again. “I don’t blame you, or Bucky. I never have. Please believe me. Please let that go.”

Steve shuddered suddenly, as if the guilt Levi hadn’t even known he was carrying was a physical weight her words just lifted. “Thank you.” He finally murmured, turning his head to kiss her palm; then he took a deep breath. “I thought he had already, he hasn’t brought it up for years; shit, we used to tear ourselves apart when we drank, falling down that rabbit-hole of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if only’s’...... I’ve been so goddamn happy to have you back kid, I hadn’t even thought of it.”

“I need to talk to him.”

Steve nodded slowly, wiping at his eyes. “I can ask him, but Buck’s stubborn; I mean, look how he’s been so far... I’m such an asshole, I believed his ‘just tired, brother’ bullshit. Didn’t even try to get it out of him.” Suddenly he was pulling away, reaching for his phone. His fingers flew over the screen then he pressed it to his ear, brow furrowed.

“Buck, yeah brother, listen-” He broke off, frowning. “What? For how long?” He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Okay, but when you get back, we need to talk. Levi wants to talk.” He bit his lip. “No, you have to Buck, she knows. Yeah. Okay, call me later.” Dropping the phone Steve looked back up and sighed. “He’s taking a few days off, apparently he left a few hours ago. He’s gone to visit his sister in Baltimore, said he’ll be back in a week or so.”

Levi huffed an exasperated breath. She wanted to clear this up now, but she knew that shit like this couldn’t be hashed out over the phone either.

Steve shot her a strained smile, he saw the pain in Levi’s eyes and wondered how he’d missed the draw and energy between his sister and best friend before; but he wouldn’t add to her distress by revealing just how badly Bucky had blamed himself, punished himself in the past.

“Eat your ramen.” He finally offered.

************************************************************************

“Christ, this is ugly,” Levi grumbled, taking an experimental step forward. “But it’s great to walk again.”

Steve smirked at her, holding out Levi’s crutches, but knowing already that it was useless to offer them to her, now that she was wearing said ugly, clunky, black air boot.

“Get those away from me,” Levi hissed, softening her vitriol with a cheeky wink and grin, eyes flicking to the crutches in his outstretched hands. “Burn them.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Have you always been this salty?”

“I was raised in Alaska, humans aren’t the top of the food chain there; you don’t hobble around, it makes you dinner.” Levi quipped. In an effort to lessen the effects, soothe the lingering pain of her abduction, Levi wasn’t hiding from talking about it, she addressed her childhood matter-of-factly, and by doing so, took away its power over her.

But it still stung sometimes.

Steve shook his head and glanced around. After Levi’s appointment with her doctor he’d pronounced her ankle stable enough to brace, written a note for the style of air boot he’d wanted her to wear and sent them to the nearest pharmacy. Only Levi’s desire to walk again, rather than being confined to the couch, kept her from outright rejecting the boot when the woman brought it out. She seemed to be warming up to it, Steve thought, as her steps became more confident. Levi still had a hell of a limp, but she was upright and Steve knew already, despite the fact that he had only been reunited with her short weeks ago, that he was never going to get her to stay down again.

“Let’s go.” Levi declared, marching past and Steve chuckled.

The next few days dragged. Levi was impatient, itching for Bucky to return; a part of her didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to open this particular door, but a larger part wanted to know, needed to know. The quiet around her because of Steve’s time at work, covering for Bucky’s absence, and her own convalescence afforded her much time to think. Too much time.

When had all this began? When had Levi’s heart reached out and bound itself to Bucky’s? When had his? Had he been as taken with Levi in Steve’s living room as she was with him? Had his breath caught, his heart skipped?

And why had he run from her? Because he blamed himself? How could he think that it was his fault that she’d been abducted? What blame, grief and shame had he been suffering with all these years? Levi ached to know, to take that pain away. These feelings were new to her and, if she was being completely honest, a little scary. They’d definitely be more frightening if she didn’t have this time to be alone to process them, and she wondered if the time Bucky was taking away was helping him to clarify his feelings as well. The way he’d said her name, the way his face had contorted, his ragged exhales and the way he’d clung to her spoke to the depths of his desire, his want for her, but was that irrevocably tainted by his guilt, his unfair guilt?

Levi didn’t know, and it was both exhausting and useless to speculate.

Levi was quiet when Steve returned home that night; although he was tired and worn out from his day, it was easy for him to recognize the strain on his sister’s face when he sat down on the couch with a groan. Soup Levi had started was simmering gently on the stove, almost done, and the table set; but all that could wait until Steve learned what had his newfound sister looking so grave.

“What’s up, kid?” He murmured quietly. Bucky’s absence and the revelation of his guilt had hit Levi hard, and it was difficult for Steve to see her like this, and to know that, hours away in Baltimore, Bucky was probably struggling with the same. He loved Bucky like a brother, Bucky was his brother; and his love for Levi was viciously strong, even though they’d only been reunited for short weeks, and it made an ache settle deep in Steve’s chest to see her like this.

“The house is gone.” Levi murmured quietly.

“What?” Ice trickled down Steve’s spine. What could that possibly mean?

“My house, up in Alaska. My friend Renny just called; it burned to the ground. Looks like a wiring thing; he said it’s a total loss.”

Steve exhaled hard. “Levi, I’m sorry.”

“Saves me the trouble, really,” Levi muttered, pulling at the edge of a cushion. “Don’t have to fly back up there and throw everything away now.”

“You were throwing everything away?”

Levi swallowed hard and raised her head. “It was all a lie, Steve.” Her eyes were red-rimmed. “It wasn’t my life, this is. This is a blessing actually; I was dreading going back, seeing years of fiction, deception.”

“It was still your life, Levi. You lived it, even if it wasn’t truly yours. Those experiences weren’t dreams, they were still real.”

Levi sniffed, wiping at her cheek almost brusquely. “Sometimes... sometimes I wish she was still alive, just so I could ask her why? Why did you take me? But I know, if she was alive, I still wouldn’t know the truth. She never meant to tell me; sometimes I even wonder if she would have found some way to get rid of the key, if she’d had more time maybe before she died, to keep me from ever finding out who I was.”

Steve scooted closer silently and took Levi’s hand, pulling it into his lap and stroking gentle circles on the back of it with his thumb.

“I wondered, though; in the back of my mind. When I was sixteen, we studied blood groups in biology.” She wiped one more time at her cheeks and looked over at Steve, who held her gaze steadily. “I’m AB, and when I asked her, she said she was O. I found an old hospital card of... her husband’s, and his was O too. It didn’t make sense, and it scared me, so I told myself I was wrong, either I’d tested my own blood wrong, or she was mistaken about hers; or even, shit... maybe I was some freak who didn’t follow genetic laws, but.... it was always there, when I was quiet, when I wasn’t expecting it.... this big fucking elephant I was too scared to face.”

For a long moment, they were quiet; Levi sniffed heavily and leaned over, resting her forehead on Steve’s shoulder and he tipped his head to rest on hers.

The jarring clang of a notification startled Levi and she scrambled for her phone on the coffee table, while Steve straightened, wrapping the hand she’d dropped to grab her phone around her shoulders instead.

Whatever the message said made Levi inhale sharply, swear under her breath and scroll back up to the top to read again.

Steve waited patiently as she tapped out a heated response. “What is it?” He asked gently.

“I have to go back,” Levi grumbled. “That was Renny, there’s a few personal items that survived, insurance wants to speak with me, stuff I can’t do over the phone... dammit.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Steve asked tentatively.

“I want to say yes, but no. It’ll be fast, few days.” She turned to look up at his face then sighed heavily. “Can I use your laptop to find a flight?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Levi stood and moved into the kitchen. Steve followed a moment later but occupied himself at the stove, stirring the soup and ladling it into bowls. As he placed them on the table and sat himself, Levi glanced up. She looked calmer, resolved.

“Can you take me to the airport in the morning? There’s a flight out.”

“Yeah, Levi. No problem.”

“Thanks,” Levi returned her attention to the screen, tapping a few more times before closing the laptop and pushing it away. “Done. I’m not thinking about that shit anymore tonight, tell me about your day?”

*************************************************************************

Steve glanced out through the window and smothered a grin. He’d expected this.

A few hours ago, Bucky had arrived home and promptly disappeared into his house. Steve figured he’d clean up and maybe catch a short nap after the drive and it appeared, he had, but now he was walking somewhat hesitantly across the street and towards the house. Steve waited until the door opened and Bucky called out.

“Hey.”

“Hey, c’mon in. I’m in the kitchen.” Nat was coming over soon for supper and he was scrubbing potatoes to bake.

Bucky appeared, bottomless blue eyes roaming the room.

“Hey, bro. What’s up?” Steve offered, looking away to hide his smile. Bucky was looking for Levi, not him.

Bucky grumbled an unintelligible response.

Steve dropped the potatoes and moved to the fridge, reaching in and grabbing two beers he jerked his chin to the table, setting a bottle in front of Bucky when he sat. “How’s Sarah?”

Bucky took a swig first. “She’s good; shit, kids are growing like weeds. Lilly’s like running all around ‘Uncle Bucky! Uncle Bucky, come play with us!’ and little Cooper’s walking, sorta.”

Steve chuckled, swallowing.

“You?” Bucky continued. “Sorry I left you with the site, man-”

Steve shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m good, Nat’s coming over in a few for supper, quiet night, you know.”

“What about Levi?” Despite his efforts to sound neutral, he didn’t.

“She’s back in Alaska.”

The riot of emotions that flared across Bucky’s face before he closed off told Steve all he needed to know and he took another drink to hide his smile. Try as he might to fight it, to hide it from everyone, including himself; Bucky was hooked. The surprise, fear, sorrow and panic Steve had just seen in his eyes said so. “She left?”

Steve waited a beat before taking pity on the silly, lovestruck bastard. “Yeah, but she’ll be back in a few days.”

Bucky couldn’t hide his exhale of relief and Steve chewed on his lip to keep from snorting with laughter.

“Her house burned down,” Steve added. “Looks like wiring or something, she had to go up and take care of insurance and stuff.”

“Is she okay?”

“Not really, man.” Steve decided to lay it out. What he’d seen in Bucky’s eyes told him he cared, deeply; now he needed to know what his behavior was doing. “She’s confused as shit, you keep messing around on her; there, not there. Ignore her for days then dance with her like that, what the hell?”

Bucky blushed deeply, dropping his head in shame. “She-”

“She knows you blame yourself and she thinks it’s complete bullshit. We talked, I told her I felt responsible too and she shut that right the fuck down; she doesn’t understand why we think that way.”

Bucky looked away, blinking away unexpected tears.

“Talk to her when she gets back, Buck.” Steve’s voice took on a firm edge. “This is my sister, that I never thought I’d see again. I love you like a brother man, and we’ve been through everything together, but I’ll choose her over you any day, no hesitation. No offense.”

Bucky nodded, clearing his throat. Although it stung, he deserved it; and if he couldn’t get his shit together enough to stand behind the woman he... loved, he might as well stop fighting the truth and just admit it; then he would expect nothing less from his friend and brother. “I will. When is she back?”

Steve shrugged. “Few days, not really sure. You going to call her?”

Bucky shook his head. “Shouldn’t say what I need to tell her over the phone.”

Steve nodded in approval and drained his bottle.

****************************************************************************

Levi sighed, chewing her bottom lip thoughtfully. She’d been back, home, for just over a day now; all that mess and shit in Alaska in her rearview. Yesterday was a wash; after Steve had picked her up at the airport she’d collapsed into bed, slept straight through until this morning; waking up, if not refreshed, then at least semi-recharged. Currently she was seated cross-legged on the couch, the air boot still a pain in her ass and Steve’s laptop open across her thighs, scrolling slowly. She looked up in surprise when she heard a tap at the door.

“Hey.” Bucky’s voice was tentative.

“Hey.” Levi replied neutrally. “Shouldn’t you be out at the site?”

Bucky shook his head. “Wrapped up early today.” He hesitated at the archway into the living room and Levi raised a brow, quirking her lip in invitation to sit. She jostled slightly as Bucky sat near her; as she was sitting in the exact center of the couch, he couldn’t sit anywhere without being closer to her than he probably wanted.

Levi waited for him to speak first and continued to scroll the screen, studying the webpage.

“What are you looking at?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Real estate listings.” Levi replied, equally quietly. “I should have my own place, especially once Steve and Nat get married; I’m tired of wearing ear plugs at night, they make my ears itchy.”

Bucky snorted, his immediate amusement over Levi’s quip overruling the apprehension he felt at the rest of her words, but only for a moment. “You’re moving out?”

Levi shrugged. “Between the insurance and what I’m going to get selling the land to Renny’s friend, I’ll have enough for something small, or ‘quaint’ as I’m learning the real estate world calls it.”

Bucky hesitated; his heart was screaming at him, clamoring in his chest. Move in with me, it screeched. It’s too soon, the pragmatic voice in his head warned; but he’d been listening to that voice far too much recently and it had taken on a definite martyr bend lately. He opened his mouth, not yet sure what was going to come out when Levi inhaled sharply, rolling her head on her shoulders, eyes still fixed on the screen, not aware of how the sinuous movement of her body ignited a flare of reluctant heat in Bucky’s body. “Sore?”

“Yeah,” Levi replied absently. “My neck and back.”

“Turn.” Bucky wasn’t really sure what he was doing right now, his body was leaving the pragmatic voice in the dust.

Levi glanced at him in question before obeying, scooting sideways to give Bucky her back. She was wearing a low-back tank top, her hair coiled in a messy knot, affording Bucky a view of her skin he’d not seen yet, as she turned, he saw the curve of the side of her breast and his heart began to speed up.

“Levi... this is beautiful, I didn’t know you had tattoos.” Drawn despite his will, Bucky reached out, finger brushing lightly along the tribal design that began at the nape of her neck and continued down her spine, disappearing into her shirt.

Levi shivered involuntarily under his gentle touch. “Aana gave them to me.”

“Aana?”

“My friend’s grandmother, it’s a loose translation of her dialect. She was one of the last women in her tribe skilled at traditional tattooing; when I turned eighteen, she honored me by marking my back. They use a bone needle and thread, darkened with coal and pulled through the skin.”

Bucky was entranced and had to fight to pull his hand away from the stunning design, forced himself to instead rest his hands on Levi’s shoulders, to begin massaging her tense muscles.

“Did you get to see Aana before you left this time?”

Levi shook her head, dropping her head forward. “Aana and my friend died two winters ago, carbon monoxide poisoning. I was invited over that night, but I’d just done a double shift at work and was too tired to drive out to Aana’s cabin. If I had, I would have died too.”

Bucky froze, trying to wrap his head around that. “We never would have learned what happened to you.” He murmured quietly, suppressing a shudder. The thought was abhorrent, striking deep in Bucky’s heart; there was no use fighting this anymore, he was taken; completely and hopelessly given over to Levi; his running and fighting his own heart had only delayed the inevitable.

Before he could stop himself, Bucky leaned forward, closing his eyes and pressed his lips softly, tentatively, to the nape of Levi’s neck. His lips trembled at the blissful contact and Levi froze beneath him.

“Bucky,” she murmured, inhaling sharply.

He lingered a beat before pulling back only far enough to rest his forehead to her back. “Levi,” he whispered, voice breaking. “I can’t fight this anymore.”

“Then don’t.” She breathed.

“I don’t deserve you,” hot shame welled in his heart, the same old guilt beginning to bubble up and overwhelm the warmth of his desire.

Levi moaned quietly, then turned abruptly, making Bucky sit up straight in surprise. She reached up and cupped his face, eyes searching his desperately. “Why do you think that? Tell me.”

Bucky exhaled in defeat, letting his head loll in Levi’s grip. His shame and regret were tangible weights bearing down on him, crushing him.

“James, please?” Levi’s voice cracked and Bucky broke inside.

“I left you.” He choked. “Alone. Steve... he went in the house to get popsicles, and after he left you decided you wanted a purple one. I followed him to make sure he got one, but there weren’t any, just blue. It took a few minutes and when we came back out... you were gone. I left you, baby. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

Levi inhaled, a deep shuddering breath. “Look at me.” She ordered, her voice shaking. Reluctantly, Bucky raised tear-filled eyes to hers. “You might as well blame my mom, for leaving three kids alone.”

Bucky winced and tried to look away, but Levi held his face firmly.

“Or the popsicle company for making too many flavors to choose from.”

The ghost of a sad smile pulled at Bucky’s lips.

“Or, how about we blame who’s really responsible?” Levi’s voice gained strength. “How about we blame the people who saw a little girl and decided it was okay to steal her? To take her away from her family? Let’s blame who’s really responsible. Not you, Bucky. Not a little boy.”

The remaining resistance in Bucky shattered at her words and he gave in, let the full wave of his suppressed sorrow crash over him; dropping his face into the crook of Levi’s throat, curling around her like a lifeline. Levi burrowed closer, carding her fingers through his hair, murmuring soothing sounds as she fought her own tears. Bucky’s anguish was a palpable cloud around him, suffocating and dark.

“I don’t blame you. I never have. I never will.”

“Levi-” Bucky choked, pulling back to sit up. He wiped at his cheeks, breathing heavily. Suddenly, he surged forwards, a hungry lunge and his mouth crashed over hers. Their lips bruised under the force, tongues tangling, moaning small sounds of need. Levi fell backwards, pulling a willing Bucky with her and let her thighs fall open. Bucky fitted between them and began to grind against her, his dick burning and raging against his zipper.

The gates had been opened and they were frantic for each other. Bucky pulled away from Levi’s lips only long enough to pull her shirt down and free her bare breast, latching onto it like a man starved. Levi arched beneath him with a cry, fingers tightening painfully in his hair. Her hands clawed at his fly, yanking desperately and parting them, reaching inside to grip his straining length.

“Jesus, baby-” Bucky gasped, bucking into her hand.

“What the hell?” Steve bellowed, the front door slamming behind him.

The fevered lovers froze, heads whipping to look at him. Quickly, Bucky pulled Levi’s shirt back up to cover her.

Steve marched past, rolling his eyes, fighting a snort of laughter. “About time you pulled your head out your ass, Buck. But don’t you dare mess up my couch!” He continued hollering as he disappeared into the kitchen. “Nat’s bringing pizza’s, get up and make yourselves presentable! My virgin eyes!!”

Their eyes, wide with excitement and surprise, met and they burst into laughter, the moment broken; cooler heads prevailing. Bucky dropped his face into Levi’s neck, inhaling her scent greedily even as he shook with laughter. “Virgin eyes, my ass.” He choked, making Levi laugh harder.

The door opened again. “Damn you two, right out on the couch?” Nat quipped, walking quickly past, carrying two boxes of pizza, holding one hand over her eyes dramatically.

“I told ‘em to quit it!” Steve barked from the kitchen, but he couldn’t maintain his serious tone and started laughing; muffled by the sound of cupboards opening and closing.

Bucky chuckled weakly, relieved and wound drum-tight at the same time, sitting back and pulling Levi to sit beside him. Levi wiped at her lips, not to remove his taste but to savor it; glancing up into Bucky’s eyes before she swallowed audibly and stood. Reflexively, Bucky reached up, steadying her with a hand on her hip and she smiled down at him.

“I’m going to go freshen up,” she murmured. “Then we should join them.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed before he could stop it, he didn’t want to ‘join them’, he wanted to continue what he and Levi had just been doing, only on his own couch this time.

Levi leaned forwards and Bucky sighed as her lips brushed his ear, her welcoming scent enveloping him. “Just for a while,” she turned her head, pressing a deliberate kiss to the tender skin just below his ear, making Bucky shudder. “Then we’ll make our excuses....” She pulled away, her grin both tentative and wicked, widening when she heard the low answering growl deep in his chest.

“Sure,” he breathed, hardly remembering what he was agreeing to, then watched in a daze as Levi disappeared down the hallway. Only once he’d heard a door shut did he startle awake again, standing and smoothing himself down, running a hand through his hair and across his face, stubble rasping.

Nat was sitting on the counter, Steve standing between her legs and murmuring in her ear, making her giggle when Bucky walked in. He considered turning around and walking right back out, but Steve heard him and pulled away, grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat.

“Bout time, ya tool.”

Bucky answered him with a middle finger before wandering over to the table, lifting the lids on the pizza boxes to inspect the bounty within. Although his body was wound tight with desire, there was a newfound lightness there too, a relief and warmth; he’d finally, as Steve so artistically put it ‘gotten his head out of his ass’ and found that Levi felt the same, had responded to his desperate, pent-up hunger with equal fever. He hadn’t felt this quiver of anticipation and pure joy in years, if ever.

Steve reached his side and held out plates. Bucky glanced up, his gaze locking with Steve’s.

You’ve got my blessing, brother; but hurt her and I will tear you the fuck apart, his intense stare said.

Never. Bucky answered silently.

Steve nodded, a quick snap of his head before pushing the plates into Bucky’s hands and turning back, cutlery rattling in his hands a moment later.

Levi appeared then, shyly scooting into the room, pressed to the doorframe. Her cheeks were an adorable shade of pink, like she expected a barrage of teasing, but Steve only grinned at her.

“C’mon kid, pizza’s getting cold.”

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