tell us about Santos :3c...

My tav Santos!! He's a fighting x rogue class tiefling who's a bit worn out in life, but doesn't stop him from being the rock of the party. He's 143 years old and a seasoned weapons maker, tho it's been a few years since he's kept up with the craft. He dabbled a bit as a mercenary in his 90's, but ultimately ended up as a bartender in Baldur's Gate yearning to go back to guildwork. [Which is when he got abducted, after a shift]

Personality wise he's not the loudest nor quietest of the group (choosing to be the listener a bit more than be the talker). He can seem quite serious, but is relatively easy-going and is known to give some of his own snark back when need be. He's a realist with a good heart, but won't hesitate to lie himself (and party) out of situations and attempt questionable persuasive maneuvers to at least avoid some unnecessary bloodshed. (Tho sometimes he goes a little too far with the snappy remarks at enemies that leads to greater bloodshed)

He has a well of unwavering patience for his party members in the emotional sense, but gets incredibly exasperated by their antics and rivalry (looks at Shadowheart & Lae'zel, Gale & Astarion). He doesn't know what he's gonna do after they defeat the Absolute, but for now he'll just try and make sure that everyone in his party makes it out of this in one piece.

[Santos' tent, he collects enchanted weapons and borrows Lae'zel's grinder often]

Character Relationships:

He gets along very well with Jaheira since they have a very similar sense of humor, their friendly jabs turn into some very confusing flirting for the rest of the party. Likes to poke fun at Gale, who has a bit of a crush on him. Santos has some propensity for magic and spellcasting, but it's unrefined and he never bothered to do much with it, tho he does like to ask Gale to teach him a thing or two when they have the downtime and he has access to a wizard with knowledge that loves to talk. He rebuffed Astarion's advances quite quickly, especially since he realized why he was doing it, but they remained good friends regardless, which it seems Astarion really needed. He lets Astarion feed off of enemies since they're gonna kill them anyways, but offers himself in case if emergencies. He's really good friends with Wyll and Karlach and can be found sharing a drink often in their downtime, both of them having Santos barking with laughter. He's not much of a meddler, but he'll leave their hang outs to leave both of them alone in hopes it'll inspire something.

He and Lae'zel have an unspoken camaraderie as fighters and weapon masters, and she likes that he'll give her bullshit right back. He likes sparring with her bcs she has him eating shit and landing on his ass, but he learns a lot. He butts heads a bit with Shadowheart and Halsin, but they eventually remain on friendly terms and respect each other. Santos killed Minthara and has yet to meet Minsc.

this is my addition to the hermitcraft propaganda. this is focused at dsmp fans bc i am one. 

hermitcraft is a long running smp that started in 2012. it runs in seasons, with each season lasting around a year, often just over. they are currently on season 8, and started fairly recently. 

the players on hermitcraft tend to change each season, but i have compiled a list of who i think you might enjoy, based off of your favourite dsmp member!

(feel free to add ur own suggestions too!)

IF YOU LIKE... TOMMYINNIT- 

MumboJumbo: have you got ADHD? do you love how tommyinnit says Things and other people get confused? well then MumboJumbo is the hermit for you! he's absolutely absurd. a spoon. he's also over 6ft tall and built like a brick shit house. insane. this man is an enigma. he's also a cinematographer. who even is this guy. (he also does cool redstone builds and always sounds surprised when they work even tho he's been doing this since 2012.)

BdoubleO100: a rabid chihuahua in the body of a human. truly follows that feral energy that makes up tommyinnit. mans built an entire mountain last season and he's doing it again! crazy! he's also the king of sleep. night is a rare phenomenon on hermitcraft, since bdubs starts clicking his bed at the barest hint of sunset. gotta shweep!

Grian: the stereotypical pick. he's the prankster man, everyone seems to think he's pretty childish and he often has the younger brother role even though he's not the youngest on the server. has started/been majorly involved in two wars. had an alter ego called poultry man who would fly around dropping eggs and spawning chickens everywhere.

RANBOO-

Rendog: lore man lore man!!!! he has a bunch of fun and interesting characters and he puts a lot of thought into his episodes, from his builds to his mc skin, to make sure everything comes together perfectly. I don't watch his hermitcraft stuff but I've seen him via other hermit's povs and he rlly does pick a role and throw himself into it. it's amazing.

PHILZA-

EthosLab: do you like anime kinnies? do you like old gods of minecraft? well let me introduce you to ethoslab! i want to study him in a lab. he causes problems on purposes. he builds super random redstone things. he messes with noteblocks. he was head of shennanigans. his minecraft skin is kakashi hatake from naruto. there was a block named after him in the 2013 april fools update (the EthoSlab). who is this man. i think he also has the longest running minecraft lets play. what the heck.

Grian: bird man. good at flying. chaotic bitch. idk some of the vibes are there.

SAPNAP-

Tangotek: crazy redstone man. builds crazy minigames. idk there aren't actually many similarities here other than they're both often associated with fire in fanworks despite not actually having that much to do with it.

FUNDY-

EthosLab: aforementioned anime kinnie. crazy redstone. idk. Zedaph: in season 7 he built a cave of contraptions which contained these amazing redstone machines that found the most complicated and convoluted ways to perform regular tasks, just for the hell of it. what a guy! Iskall85: they're friends :3. that is all. (actually they both just have very similar Vibes. I have no other way to describe it. it's just Vibes).

SCHLATT-

Cubfan135: (specifically season 6). evil capitalist man (/lh). ran a big corporation with scar. they made profit from a war. idk i dont watch cub, thats all i could think of. GoodTimesWithScar: evil capitalist man with cub in season 6. in season 7 he got voted mayor and then started charging the shops to allow them to be accessed from the road. there was also a big "war" over mycelium. fun times. he's actually a very genuine and sweet guy. also his cat jellie is in the game bc he won a competition or smthin. idk man he loves his cat so much. you know what builds belong to scar bc there's just jelies everywhere.

TECHNOBLADE-

FalseSymmetry: okay listen the mcc teams are being announced as I'm typing this so my brain started thinkin mcc and basically they're both well known for being good at pvp. i dont watch false but i know she has a tumblr so i'd trust her with a knife.

Grian: thinkin mcc again. they teamed for mcc pride. you can go watch that if u want to get grians Vibes while still having a dsmp member present for some familiarity. idk.

NIHACHU-

GeminiTay: a lot of ppl say they like niki's streams bc of the comforting vibes and general chill atmosphere, and I think gem matches that pretty well. cy once said she sounds like fluttershy and tbh i sorta agree. shes an awesome builder and insanely smart and even though she's new this season im already incredibly attatched to her.

TUBBO-

Zedaph: aforementioned cave of contraptions rlly fits tubbo's vibe. i think he's going the mad scientist route this season too. Docm77: another mad scientist. already early on he made this super weird lighting farm thing? i dont even know but i've seen the clip and its MAD. even if you dont watch hermitcraft you should check out that individual clip.

FOOLISH-

literally any of them bc i genuinely belive wholeheartedly that foolish would fit perfectly on hermitcraft if he could manage not to swear. (altho maybe cub bc last season he build a giant pyramid.)

Submission - relationship problems that are driving me insane and could hurt someone i care about

For the record, I’ll just have you know I’m a girl in high school who’s DEFINITELY somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality (I’m not aromantic and I’ve masturbated multiple times in the past and I’m pretty sure I’m bi but with a romantic preference for guys…but if I were to ever do something physical I’d probably prefer it with a girl tbh?? idk if that’s weird or if that information was neccessary but in case it helps)

So I’m kind of in a relationship with this guy, and trust me, he’s amazing. He’s extremely caring and compassionate and loves me very much. Of course, he wants to get physically intimate (nothing huge, just maybe hand holding or hugging or cuddling or whatever). We’re both fifteen and very socially awkward nerds, and openly aware of it. Neither of us have kissed anyone yet, like not at all, and he’s asked multiple times if he can kiss me, and every single time I’ve turned him down. We have many deep philosophical conversations, also some about science and politics (though he knows a lot more than I do), and he’s just truly profound and brilliant and emotional but rational. He’s very empathic, open minded and understanding, guided by a strong moral compass…not to mention he’s a huuuuge meat lover and I’m actually succeeding in turning him vegan (logic and ethics always get to him). Thing is, I’m not easily fooled by men and their lies. I’m fully conscious when someone is acting/lying or gold-digging, and when I’m being manipulated, and I’ve known this guy VERY WELL for like two years now. We were best friends before we decided to tell each other how we feel, and he is very honest and sincere. He doesn’t try to act like something he’s not and while he’s polite, he truly doesn’t care what others think of him. We’ve both had psychological problems in the past and have counselled each other and helped each other through it (although I think I’ve helped him a lot more than he’s helped me. He’s been in a constant depressive state for like three years and honestly probably would’ve still been really depressed and unhappy if I hadn’t come along…obviously a three-year depression can’t go away completely just like that but for the first time in forever he’s really, truly happy). I make him incredibly happy and I know how much he loves me. In fact, he knows I’m uncomfortable with physical affection and is literally willing to wait as long as it takes for me. I mean, dude. The guy is fucking amazing. He’s super clingy and mushy and lovey-dovey and he knows I hate that shit so he’s trying to cut down on it as much as possible and give me space to let me breathe, and he’s in it for the long term. Dude. He actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me and no other girl.

 But.

Here’s the big fat fucking problem. There’s two obstacles in the way of our happiness together. There’s me. There’s my fucked up mind. I’ve done this before with another guy, who actually happens to be one of his friends. See, this guy was (is) smart, and although he’s not as deep and philosophical as my current “boyfriend”, he was super chill and understanding. Truly amazing. He liked me for exactly who I was and constantly told me I was beautiful and smart, that I was worth it and enough and deserved the best. Kind of like my current boyfriend, he reassured me and reminded me to love myself and help me get over some fears of mine. 10/10 Tumblr’s dream boyfriend. And I eventually got bored of him somehow. My attraction began to fade until I had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever and I dumped him. The worst part is that I didn’t even dump him. I just ignored him until he got the hint. He picked up on it pretty quickly, too. After a few days of texting “I love you, I don’t want to lose you, I feel like you don’t like me anymore, what’s wrong, are you okay?” he finally just gave up. I avoided him like the plague until time made us strangers again, and now the two of us don’t acknowledge the past at all. It’s like it never happened. We just pretend it never existed and have never mentioned the giant elephant in the room, and now we just hang out regularly with our group of friends and joke like we used to.

First obstacle, like I said, is my fucked up mind. Here’s the thing about me. I’m what people call a heartbreaker, which honestly sounds cool and sexy and glamorous, the way strong empowered women who eat men for breakfast are glorified in edgy pop songs, but it’s honestly a psychological problem. And I’m not popular or slutty or anything, I’m just one of those girls, a tease who doesn’t know what the fuck she wants. And I don’t want to be one of those fantasy tough badass bitches that every heartbroken girl aspires to be, those who chew hearts up, spit them out and leave them in the dust. I don’t want to hurt good people. My current boyfriend doesn’t deserve me, but he also doesn’t deserve getting his heart broken. And I’m terrified because I can practically feel how crushed he’d be. He’d never get over it. If I dumped him, it would haunt him forever and I’d lose my best friend because we won’t be able to talk openly anymore. I’ll heal eventually (pretty soon actually), but he’d never be the same.

Another thing. I have really severe anxiety, multiple forms of it diagnosed by a professional, and avoidant personality disorder. I don’t confront my problems. Anything even slightly out of my comfort zone, I just can’t face directly. I can’t even present in front of a class. Today I cut class cause of a presentation I was totally ready for…I literally had like eleven lines of dialogue…but I skipped because the class was full of judgemental ass Enhanced students who already knew I was like four levels dumber than them. I just couldn’t deal with it. I avoid everything and then it just piles up until I just break down and have a serious twenty-minute panic attack. 

Not to mention I’m super weird with affection and don’t want to hug or cuddle or hold hands or god forbid kiss, let alone do anything even remotely sexual. I just don’t like other people touching me. Romantic physical gestures just make me tense up and I get super awkward. Now, I’m not sure if my asexual ass is just wired this way or if I’m just really young and inexperienced and will get used to it in time. Maybe it’s cause I’m fifteen and overthink everything and am always super uncomfortable, or maybe this condition is permanent. Either way, I also fear longterm commitment

Okay. Second obstacle.

Of course, there’s another guy.

This guy I’ve liked for almost five years. Literally, since the first day of middle school when I first laid eyes on him, I was completely infatuated. All my dreams and fantasies were of him. Like, in my mind, we have already been married for decades and had three children (okay not literally, my biggest fear is actually having kids…my worst nightmares are of pregnancy and labor and giving birth and raising human beings and paying rent/taxes/bills and public transit and adulting but you get what I’m saying).

And guess what? My current boyfriend and I officially started going out the day after Valentine’s Day, this year. Because on Valentine’s Day, I found out the love of my life had a girlfriend.

(Actually, he has multiple flings and one girl I think is serious, but she’s long distance and both of them are perfectly okay with each other hooking up with other people while they’re not in the same country. Every year he goes overseas for the summer and during the summer they’re an official couple, but every other day of the year they literally tell each other everything. Like about the different people in their life and who they’ve hooked up with, and they’re both perfectly fine with it for some reason?? I don’t get it. It’s not even a polyamorous relationship. The guy just has a bunch of side hoes who he feels no emotional attatchment to…and, he reassured me, it’s completely mutual…and he just sometimes gets physical with when he’s lonely. But all of them know they’re not the only girls in his life and are okay with it because he’s also not the only guy in their life and they don’t like each other, they just make out or whatever?? Honestly, I don’t understand how it works at all but whatever.)

 So my dilemma is that you can’t get over a crush…just like that. And the funny thing is, my current boyfriend is the only reason that middle school crush of mine even knows I exist now.

Okay, I think I should start using code names now;

X = current boyfriend, Y = middle school crush with a lot of side chicks

It’s hilarious because Y is the hot popular stereotypical fuckboy (or at least I thought he was…he’s not as shallow or superficial, and he’s aware of his ego and tries his best not to act as entitled/obnoxious as those douchebag friends of his that he doesn’t even like, and he’s actually really emotional but doesn’t show it and never lets himself be vulnerable) and he never once batted an eye in my direction, and NOW we are actually really good fucking friends.

All because of X.

See, X knew I liked Y, and although he liked me (a lot!), he pushed those feelings aside to help set me up with Y, because he considered my happiness more important than his own (and still does, which is why it’s so difficult to ever break his heart and I feel ridiculously guilty for even thinking like this). He got us talking, and now although Y is one of those hypersocial extroverts that adapts to their environment really easily and can fit in literally anywhere (the guy doesn’t have a specific clique, he can literally just hang out with anyone), he actually chooses to spend his lunches with my group of friends. And I’m not trying to make it sound like he’s gracing us with his superior presence and aura of popularity and coolness. He genuinely enjoys our company. I’ve noticed that although he’s ultracool and popular and everyone wants to hang out with him, he’s always just wandering alone with his earbuds in. Guy’s a loner by choice because he’s sick of his usual crowds…they’re either street thugs, drug lords and juvenile delinquents who are a really bad influence on him (I’m talking like the actual hood here, filled with criminals, gangfights and crystal meth), or the seriously dumb brain-fried stoners who do nothing but play video games and talk shit (these people are seriously stupid…they can barely form coherent sentences and have all dropped out of or failed school) OR the plastic popular crowd (who are all super fake, self centred and obsessed with their image).

He’s been making an effort to distance himself from these people. And it’s not that he’s one of us now. He’s not a meme-obsessed nerd who always cracks sick jokes about drugs and sex but has literally zero experience with any of it, because although we all have a dark, dry, fucked up sense of humor, we work hard, care about school and homework/chores and family duties, and get good grades, alwhile having our own geeky hobbies and quirks and pleasures, like computer programming or gaming or music or visual art and Photoshop. (X and my ex are both into computer programming, although X is a lot better and is basically kind of a genius when it comes to computer tech and programming. Y is a pitch perfect musical prodigy who composes amazing songs, can pick up on the chords to a new one in five minutes after listening to it for the first time, and can play the guitar and harmonica at the same time expertly. They’re both super talented and passionate about these things. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about their personalities, I don’t know what will.)

Sorry. I’m getting too into detail

Thing is, I don’t think I love either of them. Or I might love both of them in different ways. But the thing is, I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I can love. And I want to be loyal and devoted to X and love him as much as he loves me but it’s so damn hard with Y around. I don’t think I love Y as much as I love the idea of Y. I just love the way Y makes me feel. He’s kind of unstable and unpredictable (exactly the kind of wild mad love affair you want in high school but won’t last a day after grad) and a life with him would be fun. I’d never be bored, and I’d constantly feel the same rush of adrenaline I’ve always felt around him. You know, the typical stomach butterflies and pounding/racing heart and blood rushing to your brain, making you act crazy and be bold and do daring things. I’m somewhat of a thrill seeker.

But here’s the thing.

A relationship with Y, any plain fool could see, will not last. Let’s say, hypothetically, he does feel something for me. (He probably doesn’t, although X and my best female friend have said they’ve noticed something different about his behavior around me.) What then? We flirt, he gets me to smoke a joint or two, then eventually he pushes for deeper physical intimacy and I’m super nervous around him and want to take it ridiculously slow (because, let’s face it…if I’m uncomfortable doing anything with X, I’ll be awkward and self conscious as hell with Y). After a while, he gets tired of my unwillingness to reciprocate his sexual needs and calls up one of the many girls waiitng in line.

 Now, I’m not saying he’d do this. He himself has told me today that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship at the moment, just light flings that everyone’s chill with, but if he were to meet a girl he was serious about spending the rest of his life with, he would immediately tell all of his Saturday night hookups that he has a girlfriend and he would be committed in the long term. But I have trust issues bordering on paranoia. I’m suspicious of everyone. Especially him.

 A relationship with X, however.

X isn’t as physically attractive as Y is. Y is tall and blond and toned and takes great care of his appearance. He works out at the gym and has a haircut that costs more than ten bucks and actually wears clothes that he knows make him look hot. X actually has a very handsome facial structure and in ten, twenty, thirty years, X is going to fill out his scrawny skin-and-bones build and look a lot better than Y will.

And I know he loves me and cares for me and will never leave me, no matter what, or try to push me out of my comfort zone or make me do anything I don’t want to do. He wants what’s best for me and just wants me to be happy and healthy, even if it means sacrificing his own best interests in the process. That I can be sure of. The guy has no ulterior motives. He’s genuine and open and tells me things even if it’s embarrassing (and honestly sometimes I wish he would know where to draw a line when sharing shit, if you know what I mean). And unlike hedonistic Y, who drinks and smokes, X cares way too much about his neurons and physical/mental health in general to do anything like that.

Now, you probably see no dilemma. You’re thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with this kid? Where the fuck was X when I was in high school? Is X even real? He’s literally every girl’s dream. Y is a self destructive brain damaged stereotypical misogynistic fuckboy and that will never change.”

Well, it’s the current way they make me feel.

X was the best best friend I could ask for, back when we were nothing but best friends. He was someone I shared a deep bond with, a very close personal connection that was definitely more than platonic. There was always this chemistry. We just clicked.

But right now, he’s starting to bum me out. And no. It’s definitely not him. It’s just me. I know everyone’s heard this a million times but it’s true. He’s not doing anything wrong or different. His presence is simply smothering. I feel like I can’t breathe. (Not in a romantic way. In a miserably suffocating way.)

I have no idea what’s wrong with me or why I feel this way. It’s entirely possible that I only feel like this because I’m not quite over Y yet, and if I just give it time and hang on for a few more months, I’ll forget about Y and learn to truly appreciate X.

But what if I don’t? What if we just grow so distant that in the end I push him away completely because I can’t having Y so close yet so far away?

(Okay, this is starting to sound really dramatic and edgy. But seriously.)

My dilemma is that if I dump X, he’ll be heartbroken and I won’t be able to live with myself (okay not literally but the guilt would drive me insane) and he’d be really depressed (which he doesn’t deserve and goddammit I love him, I don’t want him to be unhappy). But stay with X and not tell him anything, I’LL be unhappy. I’ll suffer because Y, the guy I’ve been hopelessly in love with since the beginning of time, the guy I’ve always dreamt was my soulmate and would be my forever, is standing right there just out of reach…not to mention it would be horribly unfair to X to hide and pretend and act like everything’s okay. I’d be living a lie.

(And the worst part, if I cheat on X with Y. Like, what the fuck am I thinking?? Who am I anymore??? Don’t worry, I’m definitely not actually planning on doing it. Ever. I’d hate myself forever.)

Either way this goes, I’m guilty. I’m either a cheater, a liar, or a heartbreaker. Whichever way this goes, I’m a horrible person.

Unless we go for the scariest but most morally right scenario. I tell X exactly what’s going on. We talk about it, then I decide if I should tell Y. The problem is, this road is so unpredictable, full of twists and turns. It’s ethical, but it’s terrifying and could result in tension all around.

My question is; seriously, is there ANY way to deal with this where EVERYONE is happy??

(I’ll take “moderately content” by this point.)

 It was extremely difficult to admit my feelings to myself. I know it’s wrong. That’s why I’m writing you. I’m so sorry about this long-ass novel. It probably sounds like the most dramatic clichè ever but human emotions are a lot more complicated than that and I want to know how to be happy without hurting anyone, because so far, every scenario I’ve played out in my head, no one really wins. I really need advice on this from someone older and more experienced. Insight from multiple sources with different opinions would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much for this blog, and for taking the time to actually read through all of this. Sorry it’s so long.

(P.S. I think I forgot to mention that X and I are kind of the unofficial school therapists. Everyone trusts X 100%, and he knows literally everyone’s deepest darkest secrets and has never uttered a word about them to anyone. Also, a lot of people seem to think I’m trustworthy and confide in me, although I see myself as somewhat of a mild gossip, and they seek help from me. Y is currently my only “patient”. He has a serious weed problem and has even considered mushrooms once but I talked him out of it, thankfully. He lives for new psychedelic/spiritual experiences and I’m helping him quit smoking and develop a more sensible, stable mindset. My “nurturing methods”, as he called them, are quite effective, according to him, and although I don’t see much progress, he claims I’ve helped him a lot since we met.

P.P.S. You know how I cut class today? I skipped with him and we had a very long and enlightening conversation and he told me a bunch of personal stuff and then I kind of told him about my problem with X and relationships in general. I said I wasn’t affectionate or romantic and didn’t like clingy partners and always pushed people away, but I didn’t tell him he was a big part of the reason my attraction to X was fading. Seriously. I’d rather die. And now Y and my mother are the only humans on earth who know X and I are drifting apart.

P.P.P.S. Y told me to keep X. He told me that he could see how much X loved me and how happy I made him, and that he didn’t deserve to be dumped like that, all of which I already knew and made me feel worse because he was right. Then he told me if I were to drop him…like, if the relationship was seriously making me unhappy…I had to do it in the gentlest way possible and be super careful not to hurt him. He also told me that I should tell X everything I told Y, because clear communication and mutual trust are the foundation upon which successful relationships are built upon. Funny enough, X said the same thing. I. Am. Freaking. Out. Please help me.)

I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Any guidance you can offer would be very much appreciated.

hey, just another note on a past submission

You know how the asexual bicurious “heartbreaker” high school girl who sent you that submission about her current boyfriend X and the guy she’s liked forever Y? Yeah, just another note on it.

I JUST WANTED TO ADD THAT IT’S NOT URGENT, BUT IT IS VERY TIME SENSITIVE BECAUSE I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND CAN’T PREDICT MY OWN ACTIONS AT THIS POINT. 

Please tag your response with “stellaster” (don’t ask, it’s a unique personal thing that doesn’t have a tumblr tag)

                       =====================================

 Hey love, 

So first off, no. There is not a way that you can end things and everything can be happy, immediately. That’s the key word. We all find our ways to happiness sooner or later. We are all heartbroken and sad after a break and that’s completely normal so expecting for X to be happy even after breaking up is unrealistic. He’ll be unhappy and you can only hope that he’ll find his way and he’ll become happy again. But staying with him while you don’t love him or care for him in the way that he thinks you do, that would also make him unhappy as well. It’ll lead him to think that he’s making you unhappy and no one wants to do that to the ones they love. You also said that if you leave him and break his heart he’ll never be the same again. While this may be true, you don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing. No one bounces back after having their heart broken loving so fervently. However, he can become stronger. Will he be more cautious? Maybe, but we can hope that he’ll love again. You don’t know that someone else won’t come along and prove him that he deserves the best of everything.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to be honest with X about your relationship. Let him know that you don’t feel a strong emotion for him anymore. Let him know that while you realise it’s safe to be with him in the long run, you just don’t feel the rush of emotions that you want and you may not love him the same way he loves you. It’s important that you’re honest in all of your relationships because everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves an honest partner. I don’t know what else you want to do in regards to Y since he said he didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship and you don’t seem to feel that it’ll be more than a hot moment of adrenaline either. But it may be better for all three for you to take some time and discover yourselves. You’re still in high school. You’re all young and there’s still sooooo many years ahead of you. So explore. If you realise that you still love X or Y later, maybe you can reconnect. While you’re discovering yourself, you can remain friends.

As for love, no one really defines love in the same way as others. So I would advise that you start thinking about what it means for you personally. When you think about love, when you think about soulmates, what do you expect from it? Don’t base it on what others think. What do you think it should mean? For me, a soulmate means a home. It means someone who accepts you for all that you are. Someone who is willing to die for you but also is willing to live as passionately for you. Someone who makes you feel safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. But a soulmate is also someone who challenges you to become better. To be a better person, to make you want to take on tasks that fear you and overcome them. That’s what it means to me. So while my soulmate may not be a romantic partner, it can be a platonic partner as well. So figure out what it means to you. And you know what? You may not figure it out for a while. You may not know for a while, and that’s fine too.

I don’t think you’re strange for having an aversion to physical touch. Touch aversion is not uncommon for asexuals. I would adivse that you look up more on asexuality and touch aversion. It’s not an uncommon phenomenon. It’ll help you find soe peace with what you’re feeling rather than feeling out of sorts and weird. Explore your seuxailty and your romantic preferences. A lot of people have different preferences and the world is no longer black and white anymore. There’s a million shades of grey in between and we just have to learn to navigate ourselves based on our feelings. So you may find out later that you’re not as romantic as you had thought. You may be aromantic or demiromantic. You may only want a QPP instead of a lover in your life. Whatever it is, exploration of self is the best adventure to go on.

I hope this helps a little. I tried to tackle everything as best as I could. I hope everything works out.

Always by your side,

Kelly

wow.... 4/19/17

Well hello there tumblr world. I did not expect to be back here writing out everything that seems to be going wrong in the world. It's crazy to me to read these because everything always seems to go right, I just have to be patience and let it do it's work. As for my New York boy, it ended up just being too much time apart and I didn't miss him. I mean the next time I saw him was October, almost a whole year later! And I wasn't interested anymore, he didn't have his shit together like I thought he did. But regardless, that break up was easy. So then I met another boy in NYC.... Except we work together. And this is where my life gets messy and I've made it so chaotic. I started a new job in July after getting laid off at my previous job. I was boppin around, I had another guy in my life that I was dating and had no intentions of dating anyone else. But then this guy.... I remember it was over Thanksgiving break. He told me he was coming home and all this stupid flirting crap but I was like cool idk who you are but do you homie because I had a man at the time and really didn't think he was that cute (but it was obviously he was into me). When I met him, nothing crazy either, very much not my type looks-wise. But personality? Everything I love. Confidence but cute and funny but sweet and of course always flirty and silly. Which is what got me. We ended up going on a date the week after and I remember thinking it was moving so fast for what i thought but he lived in NYC so I figured eh it's just something temporary and maybe if I move out there I can rekindle or something. The date wasn't even that cool tbh but he took me to a really nice dinner. We kissed, idk it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. As time moved on, I realized that he may have liked me and I may have liked him. I barely saw him because he was in NYC but then he told me he was moving back home. So we just talked everyday and he flew me to NYC and spent time with me and we were great and happy together. I knew he was afraid of commitment but he acted like I was someone important to him. He would say he couldn't wait to see me, kiss me, hug me, talk to me. This went on for 4 months and then he moved home. At this point, we had discussed possibly seriously dating. He said he was open to it but it would take time. After moving home, we probably talked less and barely saw eachother for moving back home. I was crushed, I was hurt and I felt lied to. I ended things on March 26th in the Equinox parking lot on the phone. He had the nerve to say "oh maybe we can talk down the line?" and that maybe he'd be ready but he didn't know when. That to me is just empty promises, empty everything. Of course going to work those next two weeks SUCKED. I felt like he didn't care about me at all, that everything we did was a lie and joke. We had this offsite coming up and I was just hoping he'd drunkenly admit to me how he knew he fucked up and that I was an amazing person that deserved the world (what's new!) Except that didn't happen. Instead it was beyond obvious to all my peers that we had some weird tension hanging above our heads. He continued to flirt with every girl there except me, saying it was "his personality". I told him we needed to talk because I saw him intently flirting with the new girl and I was just seeing my episode repeat and I couldn't help but feel like I was getting replaced. So I found out he was rooming one down from me. Creepy much? And we talked, and he just continued to break my heart. See for me, four months is a huge time and I had dropped other guys because I thought this guy was a good one. He told me that we were too different because "i liked coachella and he liked watching sports in the jacuzzi" which is utter bullshit if you ask me. We don't need to be twins? He said it hurt to tell me that it would never work out but this goes to the beginning of my story. This is where the emotional playing starts. Everything contradicts itself, it continues to spiral. So he tells me he'll never hook up with the girl I'm threatened by because I literally see myself there. The next day rolls around and I try to be friends because obviously I want him to want me. He makes a joke that I'm trying to mess with him so that "he'll come crawling back to me" and I'm like yeah you will because you'll see that you actually cared this whole time and I'm not losing my mind. Later, we end up hooking up and it was amazing per usual and I felt so powerful. The day after that, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing but I was like yep I want to do that again. I continue my usual ploy and although it was a bit more difficult it worked. He kept asking me about why I was doing this and how my opinion changed so quickly. But to be honest, I'd rather have him in my life then not in my life. He was someone I wanted to get to know, someone I wanted to spend time with and if it had to be casual then hell I was doing it. So after a bit more drama (took a hot minute to get him to leave the bar), we hook up again. But this time, we talk about things. I tell him we should be casual and just hang out and it'll be fine and he goes okay cool. Then I tell him you know you miss me and he says he misses me. I tell him to text me because obviously I want to do this again.... This is where things turn to their worst. I leave and text him two days later because I notice he hasn't said anything which is weird. He responds a bit drawn back and then drops a bomb that he doesn't remember any of our conversation.... the I miss you, the casual hanging out, NOTHING. I don't know whether to believe him or think he's full of shit but at this point there is no use lying. I tell him what we went over, in a casual way, he tells me he doesn't feel comfortable because of my position blah blah and i tell him literally who cares because it's my life and i am going to live it. He says he'll get back to me... but here we are 3 days out and let me tell you he has not gotten back to me. Can you tell I'm FUCKING pissed off? I've lost all control of my feelings, my situation, my everything. I never get attatched to people that I know will complete fuck my life up. That was so college. But this you guys, this guy is all bad. He has commitment issues, has way too much money for his age, comes from a weathly family and loves girl attention. So now I'm here.... checking my snaps to see if he's viewed them, looking at my instagram pictures to see if he liked them, hoping for that sliver of chance he texts me back. But I'm living in a dream world. He wants to deny he ever had feelings, he wants to deny that he cared about me, he wants to deny everything he's said and continue to flirt with the new girl. I'm d-o-n-e. But why am I crying at work, feeling so uncomfortable? So lost and so helpless? Here's why: Dating anyone for 4 months is a long time, you're going to feel things. When you don't get what you want you are sad, but when you don't get what you want and someone tries to act like they never cared for you and that you are easily replaced and easily forgotten. Also when people tell you things and then just act like they forget.... I'm not forgetting. This boy wasn't the one, he was one that could be if he gave me the time. This experience has taught me to never date another coworker again. Nothing is worse then getting ghosted by a coworker who claimed to "never have feelings for you". This has taught me that I still am an emotional person and that I can feel things just like anyone else can. Also that I am worthy of so much more and deserve so much more then some half ass apology and mediocre answers. I don't deserve to feel uncomfortable at my workplace. So I'm just going to work on myself like I always do. Hide away from my coworkers and continue to love myself and love my friends. Also I think I'm going to go to Zara lol prayers to me and hopefully I will not have to write about this boy ever again. Can't wait to see him crawl back down the line and me just laugh.