10/23/2020 - well here we are

Finally writing a new tumblr post because here I am, stuck again in NYC, but feeling so grateful for how far I’ve gone and how much further I keep going. It’s a few days before Thanksgiving, sadly I won’t be going home this year, but I will be seeing my dad very soon. Pandemic aside, I had a thought today that I had forgotten who I was, how brave I was, how far I’ve come and how far I continue to grow. When I reflect back on my old LA life… it seems so far away, such a different time, such a different PERSON. I was stuck in a simulation, I was limiting myself, I wasn’t challenging myself, I was standing still. New York has challenged me in so many ways. This year though… it challenged me in my relationship (the longest relationship and the most serious relationship I’ve ever had), it changed my mind about making friends and feeling proud of myself. While the winter is sad, there is so much to be excited about! I’m single in NYC, I have great friends, great family, and finally an opportunity to live somewhere that is AMAZING vs this bum shack that I have to call home (the roaches, the fruit flies omg). But I have to say, sitting here right now, listening to the parent trap soundtrack (definitely do it, reminds you of summer and being at the beach and so happy). I miss my mom so much, there are many times where I wish I could talk to her for hours on end about all the drama in my life, all the funny moments in my life, and everything I’m learning. She would LOVE to hear it all, see it all, and we’d have so much fun together running around the city and being silly. I miss her so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t hope she’s watching over me, protecting me, challenging me and supporting me. I love you so much Mom As for my breakup… well I don’t want to dwell on it too much. It’s so fresh but so needed. I was lost, I was unhappy, I was sneaking behind my boyfriend’s back, I was lying, I was doing everything a gf shouldn’t be doing. If I lived a life where he was my everything and everything else could wait, it probably could work out. But no, it’s my gemini tendencies to fall in love fast, and fall out fast. I’m just grateful to have had that relationship to show me what a long term relationship looks like and that he let me go freely now. I will look back on this post and be grateful that I went through it and started focusing on myself, who I want, who I dream of and my future. As for what’s next? Well, I need to stay focused on my work, Youtube! ($70 a month, who knew!?!?), my last few weeks in NYC before spending a long time at home with Dad and then I’m back for a fresh year in NYC. New apartment, same job (only because I can freely do what I want and will not get let go at this point, thank god!), same friends, but finally making moves! The world has been good to me this year (despite the pandemic) and I am forever grateful.

7/28/20 we’re hanging in there

hello blog :) I am back again. And wow, I have to say, it's so ideal for me to write out all my feelings every once and awhile. It can be really tough to get them all on paper. It's been a few months since I posted last and I wanted to write down where I am and where my world is going. Matt - We're still talking, he really does think I'm the one. And I'm hoping that I may feel that. I'm still looking through dating profiles and hoping for something more... it's annoying how much of a cookie cutter mindset I have. I want someone with a blooming social life, lots of friends and is the life of the party (or a memorable part), a mean boy who has a soft spot for me and loves the sass. This person does not exist to me other than maaaaybe J. He has his pros and cons but I don't see anything happening because he's freshly single and is all over the place for 29. May go out with him once I'm back in NYC. I went back home to stay with dad for awhile, 3 months to be exact! While I thought it could be longer term, we are just such different people and I hate his lack of motivation, drive, passion, etc he's so routine and mondane. Blindly ignores things it's sooooo annoying and frustrating. Good news: I may be able to make the house an investment property. Which would be AMAZING. And I already have visions for how I'd want it to be. I'm thinking: kitchen islands, tv and built ins in the living room, updating the vibes and having a landscaper come to put in new plants and bring my vision to life. It'll probably be closer to 50K but worth it to have the experience! Fingers crossed it all works out My job is working out OK. I think I am going to get that promotion this year just need to keep working at it and not give up. The second I give up, the second things slip through the cracks. Random, but youtube is happening! I've been posting regularly for the past 4 months! It's a slow growth, but it's a growth nonetheless. We'll see how long I end up doing it, while I love it, it's something I'm unsure will stay popular or I'll have enough content. Let's see! I'm leaving to go back to NYC August 8th. Ready to purchase a spin bike, strap in and GET SKINNY lol. I'm so excited to have my morning routine back and relax and not have to hop out of bed every second. Want to know the weirdest part? I don't know where I belong. NYC feels like home, LA feels... slow. NYC also feels lonely, loud, difficult, so that's where I'm at a crossroads of what to do. No where really feels like home anymore without my mom. Miss you so much

What is going on.... 3/17/20

Well, hello there. This is always a bit tough because I normally write when situations seem, impossible, difficult or scary. Here I am, sitting in my apartment which will be my new office for the next two weeks. It feels trapping, it feels scary and it just downright does not seem fun. I've been trying to keep myself busy by cooking, social media distractions, walks and talking with friends but the LIFESTYLE of a new yorker is one that goes out and one that does things and one that is always on the move.... no one is on the move. In other news... I'm also being straight up selfish and ridiculous and wanting to break up with Matt indefinitely. I'm hoping that us not being around eachother and working together can show him that we aren't meant to be and that I am probably off with others. But don't worry, I've already established that and I'm being ridiculous. I don't even feel bad about it which is the craziest part. I feel like he pushed me to get to this point and when faced with the options, I chose it. Good news: thanks to the virus, there's literally no chance of meeting anyone anytime soon. Even within the next month potentially. WILD TIMES YA'LL. Aside from that, I'm finally on my boss's good side, work is WORK but whatever and I am getting my apartment in order. The biggest thing I can do for myself right now is exercise and STAY SANE by getting out. Being suck indoors is doing nothing for my mindset and wellbeing. I haven't worn makeup since Saturday (I will tomorrow because I have a ton of meetings! aside from that, life feels, stuck. There's no where to go, nothing to do and no one to talk to. I miss home and I miss my dad and my mom of course. Wishing Icould hang out with them during this tough time.

manifesting happiness

I will have a new job at a company that I am valued at, with a boss that can mentor me and guide me to success. I will have the CUTEST apartment on the westside and make it homey and happy. I will be happy and smart and HEALTHY. I will become successful with my youtube channel (just need to stay consistent!)

dear mom

dear mom hi mom! I wanted to write to you because I miss you and I am going through what feels like the roughest patch of my life. I am unsure where to go and what to do. so what do I need to catch you up on? Well alot. And I’m sorry, I should’ve done a better job of that… I have no excuse other than I didn’t prioritize it but now I realized I should have and I’m disappointed in myself. But here we are, and I should value that I’m taking a step in the right direction! Here I am, a girl living in the city… but it wasn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be. It’s hard making friends, it’s noisy beyond belief (you and dad would HATE IT), I barely sleep all the way through the night because of how damn loud it is! Sorry language. I have a boyfriend, he’s pretty great 90% of the time and I have a job that continues to be a bit of a mess. I have little to no friends and I miss home. But there’s something about New York. It was a different change for me, a different home. I didn’t love and I don’t love it. But do I feel inspired by it? Determined by it? Motivated by it? It will make you laugh, cry and excited all at the same time, there isn’t anything like it. I miss my old life, I miss my easy going, somewhat predictable life. I would do the same things every weekend, see the same people, I could work on my blog and now, alot of that time is gone because I’m spending it unwinding and trying to relax and have peace. I’m trying to find myself but there seems to be a lot of things in my way… firstly being that I can’t even relax some days. I have anxiety, but real anxiety. One that I control with off and on meditation and deep breaths. I also want to start taking an herbal supplement (you’d love it!) that helps you relax. It would put me right to sleep! Anyway, I have to go and make some dinner for my boyfriend and I. I promise more updates soon. But know that I am always thinking of you and wishing you were here. I love you endlessly!

2020 Affirmations

Hello! Below is what I am manifesting for 2020. I want to have a secured job that I enjoy that can learn, challenge and empower myself through IN LOS ANGELES. I want to have a healthy relationship with a boy that could potentially turn serious. I want to be plant based, healthy and put exercise, sleep and self care first. I want to cut down on drinking, junk food and stress. I want to be happy with myself and the choices I am making. I want to surround myself with people that lift me up and that inspire me. I want to purchase a new car! I want to find a home-y apartment that I can feel comfortable in. I want to save $10,000! I want to put my savings into CD funds so that when I need it, it can be growing.

12/27/19

Here we are again. Ready for an update? Christmas has come and passed and here I am making moves for myself. We're leaving NYC, we're probably leaving my emotional, high strung, sensitive ass boyfriend that I'm low key annoyed with. LET MY INDEPENDENT SOUL LIVE. Jk, but yes I will be moving home in just two short months, similar to the last time I wrote a post! Things continue to go down south for me and I am tired of being stressed, of crying, of thinking I'll never be enough, of CHANGING WHO I AM to please others, but not for a long term benefit. I want to be empowered, I want to be challenged, I want to be coached. And I also want to be happy. Happy is home. And home is Califorina. It won't be easy, and things won't be the same. But I'll tell you one thing, they'll be much better and to me, that's all that matters. For now, I have to survive the next week with my boyfriend before deciding what to do. God bless us all. But more importantly, I want to write a separate post about my affirmations for 2020, what I am manifesting and what I am hoping for. I am strong, I am supported, I am powerful.

10/20/19

Less than a year later and hello world! Remember that post below this one? Plot twist, it doesn't end up working out. But that's OK! Things happen for a reason. He was way too consumed with school (well ur ass graduated years ago) and it just wasn't right. But that’s ok! Because life moves on and much like your life it was very easy to forget about him. So fast forward, here I am almost 11 months later. And now what? Well another crossroads. I’ve yet to make any established friendships in NY, I’ve yet to really feel like I belong. This feels temporary, like something I had to do but not that I wanted to do. It feels like it’s getting old, like I’d rather be doing something else. Is it my job? is it my life? I’m not sure. Yes, I’m dating someone. And yes it’s a coworker AGAIN. Although this one seems much more mature and stable. Things just seem to flow easily with him but I do wish he lived a more active lifestyle and had more passion for life. He seems rather lazy, unmotivated and kinda complacent. Maybe that’s what he’s about? I’m not sure. We’re thinking about living together and before anyone freaks out… It’s very normal in NY. It’s mad expensive and you’re spending time commuting to their place anyway, it’s just so much easier. Do I love him? I do. I hope so. Is this what love is? It's very confusing. But I’m worried about ME. Yeah yeah it’s always me me me. But I’m young, this is the TIME to care about myself because soon I’ll have to care about my husband and my children… gah. I don’t know what is bringing me down. My job? my mentality? My health is off the path, my social life is non-existent and I have no money (as of right now) I’m trying to turn things around. Just say a prayer for me right now.

12/29/18

Almost two years later and I've found you again! It's been a long time of searching but I wanted to write a sweet note. Remember that New York dream of yours? Well you did it, and even though there were extreme downs and barely any ups, you've made so much progress and gained SO MANY UPS with barely any downs. Talk about turning something awful into something magical. Yes, it was hard, and yes I had to grow up and GET UP. I no longer was going to be babied by my peers, by my job or by my boss. While it was a very harsh reality, I've made it.... But. I've made it without someone. Of course that's not my #1 priority, my priority is my success and wellbeing. I finally feel more like an adult, more like what I should be at 26 and more of what I know my mom would be proud of. For once, I'm writing something happy. It's crazy to think about but this one doesn't feel temporary. It doesn't feel half assed and it doesn't feel scary. Instead it feels warm, cozy, happy, funny, soul awakening, heart beating, genuine compassion and care. So I'm going to write the story about it here and hope for the best: When I was young, my parents decided that after my public 5th grade graduation, I was going to Christian school because my public middle school had a rough reputation. It probably would have been fine but my parents somehow came up with the concusion that I would get a better education even though I clearly was not religious or raised religious. I was PISSED that I was getting taken away from all my friends aned my then boyfriend (LOL). Fast forward. I don't remember the exact year, I want to say it was 7th grade. I met this boy. I remember thinking he was cute and that we got along so well. We would chat before school by the lockers, sat next to eachother in classes, copied homework, texted after school and on the weekends. We even met up at the mall a few times etc. I remember thinking, why would he ever like a girl like me? I hadn't blossomed in middle school, I had braces, I was just some public school girl with no business being there. But he was my friend regardless and we told eachother everything, except my secret of course. There were rumors but everyone knew he'd never go for me. I remember I was going to try to tell him at our 8th grade graduation, but I didn't have the guts to ask and he was into someone else at the time. The thought of being embarassed in front of the last time I saw everyone was TOO STRESSFUL. So I kept it to myself and let it disappear. We lost touch after that, separate schools, separate ways. But I would never forget him. Fast forward to a year after college. I reconnect with one of my high school friends who happens to be dating someone I went to church with and is best friends with my middle school crush. By this time, I'm a completely different person. Completely blossomed, I don't even BLINK at guys under 6'0. So we meet up at the beloved "nightmare before thanksgiving" aka blackout wednesday aka the infamous hometown meet up. I say hello and am so much more confident now and sure of myself. He'd be glad to have me. One thing led to another and I end up making out with him and having him take me home, only to lose my phone that night. Definitely one I won't forget!!!! I remember I wasn't sure about him. We had always been friends first which made everything so easy. I felt like we had so much to say. He had gone through a tough break up, I of course was mourning the loss of my mom. We made plans to meet for lunch and I was skeptical. He was still in school because of bad decisions, lived at home with his parents, and of course UNDER 6'0. Basically a big red X on him in my dating book. But I knew him, and I trusted him. Things felt so easy.. turns out, I was wrong. He ended up ghosting me, just coompletely dropping out of the blue and I had to find out from my friend that he wasn't interested anymore. I remember feeling hurt and honestly shocked that he didn't have the decency to tell me to my face. I thought we had a solid friendship regardless of relationship and I instantly judged his character and vowed to stay the hell away. His loss. And now here we are a year later and I'm writing about him. I somehow got dragged to his house after a day with my friends. They said he was having a party and that it would be fun. I was very reluctant, I had nothing nice to say and was not going to try to lie about it. Went to the party and I could tell, he was trying everything to talk to me, to compliment me, to make me smile. It was ridiculous. How could I trust him again!? Well that night he texted me that we should get lunch and I was feeling generous so I said yes.Little did I know, that would mean talking every second, seeing him everyday for the next 3 days, talking about everything and anything. He came clean about him ghosting me and that he wouldn't do it again without proper discussion. But it's been the craziest week. He's nothing like what I have written down for a someone, but that's exactly what he is. So considerate, caring, funny, charming, smart, mature, respectful and open minded. I don't feel worried about what I say or do because I know that he understands ME FOR ME. And vise versa. We just work together and I've never felt better about a person. You know when it just seems so easy that you wonder why it didn't happen sooner? That's me. He may think that he's so lucky to have me, but wow am I lucky to have him. I have been through so much, could he really be the one for me? A part of me knows that isn't even a question. He's everything I wanted and asked for and kept wishing for. And here he is. Just 3,000 miles away of course. Doesn't matter to me, no guy can top him and no one can be him. I've met so many guys in my life and none of them are him. He's my dream boy. I hope everything works out but distance is never your friend. All I can do is hope for the best :)

i think the worst is over. i still miss what was there, but it's apparent that i am not missed in the other party. i will move on eventually, but for now, NYC is on the mind. thank you blog for being there when i needed it, friends for being there when i was hurting, and vegas for lifting my spirits when i thought i was no longer.

I refuse to be bothered by someone else who is trying to get in my way. Recently, I had a coworker who was ultimately jealous of me, of my attention of everything but I refuse to let that happen because well 1: I'm me, and two: the last time i gave a shit about him or you was never. It still bugs me that work can't just be a carefree environment because I'm reminded everyday that nothing is forever and that sometimes difficult situations will continue to arise. But yeah, I honestly don't care and need to tell myself. I go through little spurts of caring only because it just continues to validate my belief that she got my sloppy seconds. But why let it bother me? He was a horrible person and doesn't deserve my attention even if he wanted it. I will continue to be a classy lady and continue to make the world my own. I do not need you or her drama, I do not care, I do not mind :) I will continue to kick ass and get all the attention I want because I thankfully am blessed lol. Never let peasants get the best of you and never let them distract you from being the best you can be. You deserve the world and don't need anyone else to give it to you, other then you.

There's no faster way to get over someone than finding out they don't think you're a goddess.. because there's plenty of people that do.

i'm writing here again because I'm finally in a strong position where I feel like I can voice how I feel and remember this day when I realized how much I questioned myself. This person has done what I feel that no other guy has done: he has forgetton respect, he selfishly made decisions based on his needs, strung me along and said what i wanted to hear because of his needs, he knew how i felt, he knew what was going on, but chose not to talk about it because he was content with the "conveience" he had. whatever he needed, i was there, whatever he wanted, i was willing. Because of his selfish behavior, I can never look at someone like him the same. I know he has no one's interests in mind but himself and it will continue to be that way until he realizes how toxic that is. He never regarded my feelings, he didn't care how hurtful this would be, he did not think about what this would do to me, he was cold, heartless, selfish and insensitive. If he EVER tries to come back, i have this post to remind me that i should never settle for someone who only cares about themselves. but the biggest question is why would someone do that? why would someone just completely take advantage of an innocent, sweet person. why would someone just blatanly lie and exaggerate to someone that has been nothing but kind, clear and sweet? So by all means, text me, hit me up, chat me, I'd love to play games alllllll day.

today's a decent day. but i needed to write out all my thoughts on exactly how I feel and so that I can laugh about this later. Yes, still hung up on the same person but every day is easier. He still nonstop flirts with the girl in front of me which brings me to my point. We broke up because of me, I said I was tired of being an afterthought. Because as a girl, like me, I don't deserve that. I was tired of being at the end of the line hoping he'd pick me. It was himself, family, friends then me. He tried to tell me "well I don't use my phone when we are together"... that's a common courtesy. Everything was always about him. What was HE doing, HIS plans, HIS views, HIS opinions. Sure, he'd let me speak and realize he was completely wrong, but still side with himself. HIS feelings, HIS emotions, HIS thoughts. HE showed me what he wanted me to see, HE predicted what would happen, HE made all his choices so I would feel pain. When I talked to him about casually hanging out, it went well. and afterwards, he said he felt "uncomfortable" for no reason and just ghosted me. Why? HIS thoughts, HIS feelings, no regard for mine. We jointly agreed to break up but of course any sort of thing after that was ALL IN HIS COURT. Here we are in present day. HE gets to flirt with the new girl in front of me, HE gets to treat her how he treated me, HE gets to rub it in my face and HE gets to do whatever he wants. HE gets to predict how our relationship goes. I don't know what I feel more, desire to be heard or desire to get even. Everyday is easier, and everyday is more appealing. I am reminded that I am such a better person that him and anyone he could attract because of who he is. No, I will never tell him this, but I hope one day the karma gods shine this upon him.

and it keeps getting worse

i did not think I would be typing this again but I'm feeling more alone and more lost then ever. Update on that guy, nothing happened and I tried to work my magic but he is immune to it. Finally when I felt better about everything and myself... something happened. I saw him chatting up the new girl just like he chatted me up. And he can say whatever he wants, he's a liar. You guys, I've never felt so much disrespect in my life. I have a feeling people are waiting for me to snap, to fall, to something but here I am trying to keep my head held high and my voice happy and my life together when I'm freaking reminded of a guy that I BROKE UP WITH BUT HE TOLD ME THE MOST FUCKED UP SHIT. It's crazy how guys can turn something that should've been a them thing into a you thing. This was never suppose to be like this and you'd think he wouldn't do it again but of course if someone is pursuing him, he's not going to just stand back and walk away. The thought of him having sex with her and calling her the names he called me and all this shit, it's just haunting me. The whole thing haunts me. I guess I'm going to try to be chill and try to keep my head high and try to act like nothing is wrong and realizing that it will never be the same, especially after all this. It can never be the same, and it never will be the same. He's created a world of evil and bad blood and it just continues to boil. I think once I let that go, once I let go of trying to fix it (because you know I love fixing), I can finally enjoy life. I can finally start enjoying what my future may hold and I can finally be myself again without dealing with his bitchass. I listed all the things wrong last time but I feel like I should do it again: way too into himself (he's not even HOT!?!?!?!?), no want of personal fitness (literally a blob who smokes a bunch of weed), thinks he's the shit and just goes around treating women like crap, flirts with everyone because he needs the attention being so ugly and all. He also found an easy replacement to me in no time. But she's no me, she will never be me and she is not me. I will continue to be the bad bitch I am and refuse to let anyone think otherwise. I will NOT let this guy take control of my work situation, or my life or ANYTHING. I do not need you, I do not need anything you have to offer nor do I ever want to deal with your piece of crap self again. Wow i feel so much better after writing that. FUCK THAT ASSHOLE, I'm going to shine without him and I NEVER WANT TO DEAL WITH HIS CRAP AGAIN.

wow.... 4/19/17

Well hello there tumblr world. I did not expect to be back here writing out everything that seems to be going wrong in the world. It's crazy to me to read these because everything always seems to go right, I just have to be patience and let it do it's work. As for my New York boy, it ended up just being too much time apart and I didn't miss him. I mean the next time I saw him was October, almost a whole year later! And I wasn't interested anymore, he didn't have his shit together like I thought he did. But regardless, that break up was easy. So then I met another boy in NYC.... Except we work together. And this is where my life gets messy and I've made it so chaotic. I started a new job in July after getting laid off at my previous job. I was boppin around, I had another guy in my life that I was dating and had no intentions of dating anyone else. But then this guy.... I remember it was over Thanksgiving break. He told me he was coming home and all this stupid flirting crap but I was like cool idk who you are but do you homie because I had a man at the time and really didn't think he was that cute (but it was obviously he was into me). When I met him, nothing crazy either, very much not my type looks-wise. But personality? Everything I love. Confidence but cute and funny but sweet and of course always flirty and silly. Which is what got me. We ended up going on a date the week after and I remember thinking it was moving so fast for what i thought but he lived in NYC so I figured eh it's just something temporary and maybe if I move out there I can rekindle or something. The date wasn't even that cool tbh but he took me to a really nice dinner. We kissed, idk it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. As time moved on, I realized that he may have liked me and I may have liked him. I barely saw him because he was in NYC but then he told me he was moving back home. So we just talked everyday and he flew me to NYC and spent time with me and we were great and happy together. I knew he was afraid of commitment but he acted like I was someone important to him. He would say he couldn't wait to see me, kiss me, hug me, talk to me. This went on for 4 months and then he moved home. At this point, we had discussed possibly seriously dating. He said he was open to it but it would take time. After moving home, we probably talked less and barely saw eachother for moving back home. I was crushed, I was hurt and I felt lied to. I ended things on March 26th in the Equinox parking lot on the phone. He had the nerve to say "oh maybe we can talk down the line?" and that maybe he'd be ready but he didn't know when. That to me is just empty promises, empty everything. Of course going to work those next two weeks SUCKED. I felt like he didn't care about me at all, that everything we did was a lie and joke. We had this offsite coming up and I was just hoping he'd drunkenly admit to me how he knew he fucked up and that I was an amazing person that deserved the world (what's new!) Except that didn't happen. Instead it was beyond obvious to all my peers that we had some weird tension hanging above our heads. He continued to flirt with every girl there except me, saying it was "his personality". I told him we needed to talk because I saw him intently flirting with the new girl and I was just seeing my episode repeat and I couldn't help but feel like I was getting replaced. So I found out he was rooming one down from me. Creepy much? And we talked, and he just continued to break my heart. See for me, four months is a huge time and I had dropped other guys because I thought this guy was a good one. He told me that we were too different because "i liked coachella and he liked watching sports in the jacuzzi" which is utter bullshit if you ask me. We don't need to be twins? He said it hurt to tell me that it would never work out but this goes to the beginning of my story. This is where the emotional playing starts. Everything contradicts itself, it continues to spiral. So he tells me he'll never hook up with the girl I'm threatened by because I literally see myself there. The next day rolls around and I try to be friends because obviously I want him to want me. He makes a joke that I'm trying to mess with him so that "he'll come crawling back to me" and I'm like yeah you will because you'll see that you actually cared this whole time and I'm not losing my mind. Later, we end up hooking up and it was amazing per usual and I felt so powerful. The day after that, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing but I was like yep I want to do that again. I continue my usual ploy and although it was a bit more difficult it worked. He kept asking me about why I was doing this and how my opinion changed so quickly. But to be honest, I'd rather have him in my life then not in my life. He was someone I wanted to get to know, someone I wanted to spend time with and if it had to be casual then hell I was doing it. So after a bit more drama (took a hot minute to get him to leave the bar), we hook up again. But this time, we talk about things. I tell him we should be casual and just hang out and it'll be fine and he goes okay cool. Then I tell him you know you miss me and he says he misses me. I tell him to text me because obviously I want to do this again.... This is where things turn to their worst. I leave and text him two days later because I notice he hasn't said anything which is weird. He responds a bit drawn back and then drops a bomb that he doesn't remember any of our conversation.... the I miss you, the casual hanging out, NOTHING. I don't know whether to believe him or think he's full of shit but at this point there is no use lying. I tell him what we went over, in a casual way, he tells me he doesn't feel comfortable because of my position blah blah and i tell him literally who cares because it's my life and i am going to live it. He says he'll get back to me... but here we are 3 days out and let me tell you he has not gotten back to me. Can you tell I'm FUCKING pissed off? I've lost all control of my feelings, my situation, my everything. I never get attatched to people that I know will complete fuck my life up. That was so college. But this you guys, this guy is all bad. He has commitment issues, has way too much money for his age, comes from a weathly family and loves girl attention. So now I'm here.... checking my snaps to see if he's viewed them, looking at my instagram pictures to see if he liked them, hoping for that sliver of chance he texts me back. But I'm living in a dream world. He wants to deny he ever had feelings, he wants to deny that he cared about me, he wants to deny everything he's said and continue to flirt with the new girl. I'm d-o-n-e. But why am I crying at work, feeling so uncomfortable? So lost and so helpless? Here's why: Dating anyone for 4 months is a long time, you're going to feel things. When you don't get what you want you are sad, but when you don't get what you want and someone tries to act like they never cared for you and that you are easily replaced and easily forgotten. Also when people tell you things and then just act like they forget.... I'm not forgetting. This boy wasn't the one, he was one that could be if he gave me the time. This experience has taught me to never date another coworker again. Nothing is worse then getting ghosted by a coworker who claimed to "never have feelings for you". This has taught me that I still am an emotional person and that I can feel things just like anyone else can. Also that I am worthy of so much more and deserve so much more then some half ass apology and mediocre answers. I don't deserve to feel uncomfortable at my workplace. So I'm just going to work on myself like I always do. Hide away from my coworkers and continue to love myself and love my friends. Also I think I'm going to go to Zara lol prayers to me and hopefully I will not have to write about this boy ever again. Can't wait to see him crawl back down the line and me just laugh.

My Life Lately 2/24/16

Crazy to think it's been almost THREE YEARS since I've updated this. Aka since college. I'll have you know that none of the boys listed below, I still talk to. They are off doing other things with people I could care less about. My life is in a current whirlwind. I'm finally settled in a job, I have a nice apartment by the beach and of course the worst news, my mother is no longer with me. So much happened in 2015 that still to this day I don't understand or know why or anything along those lines and I never will. What i do know is that life keeps moving forward, I keep moving forward because going back is not an option and standing still will get me nowhere. I'm currently in a weird funk with my company that I work for. I love some of the people and absolutely dispise a few as well. I feel that I am unvalued and I would be more valuable elsewhere. I feel like I don't get paid enough for the sacrifices I make and I feel like I could be off doing something else. But the pay is decent and I am happy enough so I stay. My 1 year mark is coming up and I just want to be bigger, do more and be more. Another thought I've had is to move to New York. After visiting recently, I've realized that New York is my home. Weird to say right, when you've lived in California your whole life, Southern California, where we get no seasons, all sunshine and rainbows. But something about New York was so intriguing. I wanted to take the subway everyday, I wanted to sit in my coat and scarf, I wanted to go out and just enjoy what was around me and all the different scenes. I absolutely loved the city I wanted to stay for as long as possible. And then of course... The boy. Doesn't every story I have end with a boy? So there's really only one important boy to mention here... and he's my New York boy. We were somewhat friends in college and I knew about him. He was half asian like me, older and was living with the older boys. He also had a thing for the really pretty girls which at the time, I could've been better but whatever I was young and blossomed late. Anyway, I really didn't know much about him, as he didn't know much about me. We were basically set up on a blind date or a half blind one. Of course the day just happened to be Valentine's Day as well. I remember he had messaged me on Facebook (even though I clearly had his number) and we talked briefly. I thought it would be cool to see him, but you guys have to see that I barely knew this guy. It didn't matter to me, it wasn't super hot to me, he wasn't like someone I was dying to talk to. So he plans dinner, on Valentine's day, by my hotel. We go and it's just one of the best conversations I've ever had. I felt like he was my best friend and I felt so comfortable. I haven't felt that way about a person in awhile. He clearly had his life together, living in Brooklyn and taking me to dinner, he even paid when I had no intention of actually doing anything. After dinner, I realized, holy shit. This is an amzing person, I want this person. We went out later that night and drunken kisses and what not. I left in the morning for my flight home and it was so weird being the one leaving. I had no idea when I'd be back, I had no idea when I'd see him again, but all I know is that I wanted it to happen and that I'd be thinking about him for awhile. He never texted or called, but at the same time I feel like guys don't know how to handle situations so they just ignore them.Whatever. He's also 2400 miles away, 3 hours ahead. A whole life away is what I like to look at it as. He recently went to Chicago and of course I'm going there now a few weeks later. I can't help but want him to come with me. It's so silly, like he doesn't care about me and what I'm doing. I'm just another girl in his eyes. Well this is what I'm telling myself, because I have no idea how he feels other then he might miss my presence. But sadly, we didn't have enough time to really establish that. I told him he could stay with me, but we all know he's going to be playing it cool and not go, which is silly. But what do we expect from guys these days? I hate that I fall for people that are just impossible. 2400 miles really, I couldn't have found anyone local. He changed my perception on dating, he changed my thoughts. It's so weird even thinking that he did this much in one night. It all felt right. I'll keep you all updated but.... New York 2017.