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2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO

Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.

Hello everybody, welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine.

And I'm Alex.

And this week's theme is hotels in Kansas City, Missouri, or Missouri as the locals say.

And us. We're not locals.

And me after a gin and tonic. So we're gonna read our reviews, and then afterward, we're gonna see if I was able to step up to Alexander's Challenge from last week. So stay tuned.

All right. So I'm excited to see what you came up with.

We'll see. We'll see if it's any good. I had a tough time with this one.

But I did find a doozy. This is a review of the Elms Hotel and Spa in Kansas City, Missouri.

Was it like a nice place, or is this like a rundown?

I believe it's quite a nice location. And we do wanna stress again that this is not, we have no feelings for or against any of these locations. This is just some fun stuff we find on the internet and we're just rebroadcasting it.

Let's put it that way. This is a one-star review from Annette.

Went there for our 25th anniversary. As we were heading to the front desk, I noticed a plate of uncovered strawberries sitting on the floor.

By the way, really quick...

Wait, on the floor?

Really quick interjection. Every time I say strawberries, take a drink, because you're going to have a really riot of an evening if you do so. Uh-oh.

Ask about the room. They're at capacity, but gave us a breakfast coupon. He also explained that someone was on their way up to our room with our anniversary package.

OK, head to the room. Strawberries are still on the floor. Pout in my room for about 45 minutes.

Oh, OK, I need to figure this out.

So it took me a while to figure out.

So they walk into the lobby and there are strawberries on the floor. They walk into their room.

So they're walking toward their room and they find strawberries, a plate of strawberries outside of someone else's room.

Oh, and then they go inside their room and find no strawberries in their room. Am I mishearing?

OK, I'm we're heading to the front desk, I assume, from their hotel room. They notice a plate of uncovered strawberries on the floor in the hallway. So then the person and they're there for their anniversary, you know.

So then the person at the front desk says, oh, someone's going to come up with your like anniversary special surprise soon. Right. So she's like, oh, they got strawberries.

So she's like, I better get strawberries. It's the 25th. That's a strawberry anniversary.

Yes. Famously so. Um, so she pouts.

Pout in my room for about 45 minutes and decide to hit the pool. Head down to the pool. Strawberries haven't moved.

My nose starts bleeding and I have my husband grab a pool towel as I didn't want to drip in the pool. So so kind. Go to the front desk, give them my towel, letting them know I'd used it on my bloody nose.

They gave it to the clerk at the front. What are they supposed to do?

That didn't even turn into an issue. I thought that was going to be that. Yeah, that just was part of the routine.

Does it carry through the lobby? Here's my bloody towel. Yep.

My nose was bleeding. While there, I asked if we were supposed to get strawberries with our package, as they hadn't brought any up with them. He said he thought there was a mix up, but he talked to the manager.

On the way back to the room, strawberries were still there. This time, there was a piece of paper with them. So I decided to see what the paper said.

So she reads this note. It was a note thanking them for booking the anniversary package. Sit in the room a while.

Pretty disappointed. Finally, I decided to rinse the chlorine off.

And get dressed up for dinner. As we pass, the strawberries are still sitting there. I stopped by the desk to see what he found out.

He apologized and said he would personally take them to our room. At the time, I let him know about the strawberries. He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us.

Okay, this is going very differently than what I expected. I thought it was going to be some sort of allergy thing, where she's like, oh, no, there's open strawberries. Bloody Nose made me like, oh, maybe she's like realizing she's allergic.

The Bloody Nose has nothing to do with anything. That never comes back.

I'm going to learn. But right now I'm going into these thinking that they're sensical.

And I don't know why. You're going to understand the plot.

Yeah.

No, there's no plot.

Oh, good.

He thought I mentioned something because they were taunting us. I said, no, I'm telling you, because that's disgusting.

What?

And if they were mine, I'd be pissed because they were uncovered on the floor. Which, I mean, to be fair, yeah.

I mean, I don't know the timeline, but this seems like a long time that they've been sitting there.

She's pouted for 45 minutes in the room alone.

That's right. She gave us a timeline.

He said, maybe the people didn't want them. I told him about the note I read.

Oh, no.

And he said they were training a new person, and he must have not understood where their strawberries were supposed to go. I told him that we were going out, and to put our strawberries on our desk, we came back later to find them covered on the desk. The strawberries were very good.

That's the end of the review.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that a one-star review? Are you kidding me?

I mean, they dealt with her bloody towel. They put covered strawberries on the desk. I don't know what the complaint is, but apparently Annette did not have a great time.

Like literally everything she wanted happened.

I mean, I think she was jealous of the neighbors.

My goodness. That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, I know. Wow, that was a long one.

Sorry, but that was a good one. You killed so many people saying strawberries so many times.

I did. Alcohol poisoning runs rampant.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, what do you have for me here?

All right. Well, I kind of went similar route, not with the strawberries, but with a place that was kind of nice because I read some reviews of not so nice places that had mostly one star reviews. And I was like, yeah, I would give them one star too.

Yeah, it's not pretty. Hotel reviews on Yelp are not pretty, guys.

Well, that was, that was, I know many, many hotels in Kansas City to avoid. Well, I found a review of the Embassy Suites in Kansas City. From Sammy.

All right, Sammy.

Who was very disappointed.

Oh, no, Sammy.

Was very disappointed in the staff at the J Bar restaurant. We thought we would be going to an upscale restaurant slash bar, especially since the location is in an upscale area. And it is an Embassy Suite.

It is.

However, the staff all have tattoos. All over their arms. And one of the waitresses had nose, eyes and facial piercings.

She has eye piercing? All over her. She had eye piercings.

Those nose, eyes and facial piercings were all over her body. Yeah, she just put them willy nilly.

She was a Van Gogh painting.

Oh, yeah. Was very disappointed. Was hoping for the class of an embassy.

But got the staff of a low class bar.

What is wrong with people?

They just opened and we were so excited to frequent the J-Bar as we live close by. But we'll rethink. I hope they really think hard about who they hire.

Probably won't be back anytime soon.

Sammy.

End of review.

You will be missed.

Yeah, I know, right? Those staff, they're like.

Seems like he was a great customer to have.

That woman was like, he just kept staring at me and wouldn't say anything.

He was on Yelp on his phone, just like writing and counting my piercings.

This is the kind of guy that writes a review as he's sitting there being uncomfortable because somebody happens to have piercings.

And then tip zero dollars.

Well, I actually have a little bonus to that.

Thank God.

It was a response from the general manager.

Yes, what?

So they did a few paragraphs.

It's going to be a response from the woman with eye tattoos, eye piercings all over her body. But this is second best.

Yes, so they respond with a few paragraphs, but I'm just going to read the middle one. We encourage our servers to express themselves in the way they dress and their interactions with our guests.

Hell yeah.

We focus intently on a high level of service and allow our wait staff to impress our guests more with their service level and food quality. While the staff dress and appearance was an adjustment for me, I am old school. I have found that the energy level and enthusiasm that our staff has brought to the concept is exhilarating.

Oh, I know I like that.

I thought he was going to say exemplary and then he said exhilarating.

No, he's exhilarated. He's like, whoa, I've never seen that many piercings. I mean, I've only been to Kansas City once, but you know, hey, maybe he hasn't seen that many piercings in his life.

And we're a little spoiled. We get to see him all the time here in LA.

That's right. Eye piercings all over the place, truly.

Oh, yeah. Every part of the body. And we embrace it.

Eye piercings in the belly button, eye piercings on the arms, all over. Well, that was beautiful. And also, I feel vindicated on behalf of that weight staff, you know?

Yeah, no, I thought that was nice. And then they did give a little bit of an apology that they were uncomfortable. But at the end, I think the general manager said something like, we hope that you change your views.

Yeah, we hope you don't come back, but change your views.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, my God. Should we tell them about the time we went to that steak house in Kansas? Was it in Kansas City or where was it?

It might have been either Kansas City or like Omaha.

Or somewhere in Kansas. I don't think it was in Missouri. I think it was in Kansas.

We went to a steakhouse on a road trip and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change out. We're going to this nice steakhouse that was on TV food maps, which is a cool website if you haven't checked it out.

Yeah, because it was on. What show was it on?

Diner's? No, that's wrong. Guy Fieri.

And Fieri had nothing to do with it.

I love me some good guy.

I'm not doing that. I don't think he does that either, does he?

No, I think that's just become a weird meme, a vocal meme. You know those. So we went to a steakhouse.

I don't remember what show had been on, but we went to the steakhouse and I was like, well, I'm in leggings. I should change. So I put on like some nice clothes and we walk in.

The first thing I see is a family wearing Mickey Mouse pajama bottoms.

No, Minnie Mouse.

Sorry, you're right. Flannel Minnie Mouse pajamas. And then our server, I mean, they were perfectly nice, but the server says, oh, I'll go get your bread basket.

And she sets down a basket full of saltine crackers on the table. And we thought, did we misunderstand? And boy, was that a culture shock.

Yeah, we were from Ohio, and even we were shocked.

Yeah, that's right.

But the food was pretty delicious.

It was good. But the bread bowl is made of crackers. So if you go there, be warned.

Yeah, Sammy, please avoid that place.

You will not feel right at home in his pajama bottoms.

I guess so.

Very wholesome, you know?

Yeah, I got a piercing is too much. But yeah, he's probably a yeah, a Disney fan.

All right, so let's move on to my challenge.

Yes, I gave you a challenge, and that was to find a review of a baseball stadium that mentioned a football team. When I thought when I was thinking about this, I was like, this seems like something that she wouldn't care about at all and wouldn't really know. It felt like a challenge.

I love sports.

I know you know, I know you're we're big Bengals.

It was a challenge. I will tell you that.

I feel like that would be a challenge.

I was kind of actually really pissed at you when I was researching this.

Oh, I figured.

Yeah, it was really fucking hard. And I was on Wikipedia looking up like cities that have MLB and NFL teams. So I could like Google the stadium and then like search the Yelp reviews for the team.

It was very complicated.

I was hoping you wouldn't take the easy way out and find a stadium that where the team is playing both. Because I think that's a thing.

Yeah, it is. And I did stumble upon that. That's not what I did, though.

And also those weren't great anyway.

So you did try to take the easy way out. I see.

Oh, I mean, I don't know why that's a shock to you, to be honest. But yes, I always try to take the easy way out. Unfortunately, I could not.

So this week, I discovered my new friend, Monty. Yeah, Monty.

This guy's something about that name. I like it. But at the same time, it sounds like the kind of guy that you don't want to read his reviews of baseball stadiums.

Oh, boy, do you. This is Monty's review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Now, this is a little twist.

It is a five star review.

Oh, I did not expect which is acceptable. We allow that in the challenges.

I'm really glad we didn't like limit ourselves to only one service because I feel like some of the five stars are even fucking fantastic. Oh, no, I was going to say batshit crazy.

Oh, OK.

I guess we can go. Yeah.

I mean, for what we do, it's fantastic.

Fantastic indeed. So this is a five star review of AT&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. Disclaimer.

Oh, this is already Monty's.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I was going to say, is he really putting a disclaimer on my disclaimer?

The Giants are my family.

I love them. First of all, duh, garlic fries. Oh, by the way, you should imagine that every other word is all capital letters.

First of all, duh, garlic fries. For the love of God. Secondly, it's not as cold as frickin candlestick.

The location is fantastic. The upper levels have beautiful views of the bay. There's not a bad seat in the house.

Splash hits bury frickin bonds. The freak can hit shaboigans. Oh, did I say garlic fries?

What year was this from?

He needs to see a doctor.

It's like so many like things in there that that just make me think that it's like at least 20 years old as a review.

I have a headache just reading this. Wi-Fi throughout the park. The fans are not Raider loving lookers.

No, no siree.

Ding ding ding Raiders. The Coke bottle slide. It's an SF for Pete's sake.

Garlic fries.

It's a what? An FS?

It's in, it's in SF.

I thought it was FS like freaking slide like.

It's a FS, you know, a freaking slide. It's in SF for Pete's sake. Garlic fries, garlic fries, garlic fries.

Why am I even explaining this to you? Just go! Monty.

How do you, oh my gosh. Did you have any like idea of how old this man is?

Yeah, I clicked on his profile, obviously.

Of course.

He's probably in his 30s. I'm not kidding.

Okay, I expected at least 60.

Guess what? Every single one of his reviews, he reviewed a taco place, some restaurants, a bank. They're all five star reviews with a lot of, like I've never seen someone use so many exclamation points.

And then there was one, one star review.

Oh my gosh. What was it?

Home Depot.

Of all places.

And it said, if you enjoy having to look for something and having no one help you, this is the place for you.

That's it?

There was like one other line.

I mean, that seems so not Monty.

I feel like he might have been having a bad day, but if you know Monty as well as I do, you know that he's a good guy. He's a he has ups and downs, but like mostly he's up, up, up, up, way higher than everyone else.

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's good. It makes up for those lows when he says that the home deep, local Home Depot wasn't great, wasn't up to his par, you know.

I have a feeling you bookmark this like his profile for future episodes because you're ready to use Monty again.

I can tell. 100 percent. He had a lot to say and a lot of it was was fucking fantastic, bad shit, crazy.

And you got to remember the Giants Air's family. So that's obviously part of it, too.

It shouldn't be. I mean, well, OK, it should be.

But it's a disclaimer. Just take it or leave it.

That was such a what I think. I don't understand that. Is that him saying he's biased because he likes the Giants?

So therefore he's automatically giving a five star reviews review like them.

He's related to them.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He loves them.

So he's biased unconditionally. But I feel like the review was about the garlic fries, not about the team at all.

I mean, I think that was his attempt at subliminal messaging. Oh, even though I, you know, it's weird.

He works for like Big Garlic or something.

You know, it's weird. I must have been hungry doing this because I just realized that strawberries and garlic fries were repeated at least 15 times each.

That's a good point.

And none of what we've talked about has had anything to do with food. We picked hotels, not even restaurants. We picked baseball and football.

Yeah, I clearly have. Oh, wait, I just realized what my next challenge is.

Oh, my goodness. You know what? I don't even know if I want to know.

Oh, my God. This is so messed up. I was clearly not in the right headspace or the best headspace.

Who knows? You want to hear your challenge?

I think first we should do a little spiel.

Do the spiel.

You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach Too Sandy, on Facebook at Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. Our website is beachtoosandy.com.

You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play, wherever you listen to podcasts. And please rate, review and subscribe if you have not yet. That really helps us.

And we're looking for Monty reviews here, like five star.

Full Monty.

Go full Monty.

If you will.

Oh, man, that was good.

Thank you. I'm really funny. You know, send us your thoughts, your desires.

If you have a request for a certain topic or theme or challenge, let us know.

Yeah, let us know where you live and what kind of businesses are in the area that you have opinions about.

Your social security number, your address, all the good stuff.

Everything, everything that we deserve.

Thank you.

All right. Let's how about we announce what the theme for next week is and the challenge?

Oh, OK, sure. Do you have the OK. So who goes first?

I'll give you the theme.

Sure. What's the theme?

So the theme for next week is car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

All right. I'm pumped for that.

I think that's I don't know car washes.

I feel like that's a good one because I feel like hotels, you get a lot of bedbugs. And so it's hard to sift through that car washes. You can go all sorts of directions.

Oh, yeah.

OK, you ready for your challenge?

I mean, after I gave you that one, probably not. I don't I don't deserve anything fun and good.

Probably good because this is what I have for you. This is your challenge. Please find a review of a barbecue joint written by a vegan.

Oh, my gosh.

Or how about we narrow it to the barbecue and vegans? And then if it's just so much like if you just can't find anything, then you can expand it a little bit if you want.

No.

OK. Oh, you're going to take the full challenge.

Yeah. I'm taking the full Monte.

OK, great.

All right.

All right. Thanks, guys, for listening. Episode three is out, so go check that out.

And then we're going to be releasing weekly.

Yeah, thanks, everyone.

#beach too sandy podcast #beach too sandy #beach too sandy water too wet #btswtw #episode 2 #hotels in kansas city mo #uncovered strawberries #the full monty #going full monty #garlic fries garlic fries garlic fries!#big garlic

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imnotverybright · 10 months

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one day accepting food from random people on the beach might bite me in the ass, but i'll keep eating it until that day comes (and probably after as well)

#tw food #tw food mention #had the best garlic bread of my life from random strangers on the beach last year cause they brought too much #toasted it over the bonfire. divine <3 #shared a bonfire with a family having a party tonight and they insisted on giving us bratwursts and coke #it was so good #made all the better by the kind strangers <3

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leva1 · 1 year

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Tropical Paradise Protein Shake

Tropical Paradise Protein Shake, a delightful blend of creamy vanilla protein powder, frozen pineapple, mango, and a splash of coconut milk and orange juice. 🍍🥭🥥

Ingredients:

1 scoop of vanilla protein powder

1/2 cup of frozen pineapple chunks

1/2 cup of frozen mango chunks

1/2 cup of coconut milk

1/2 cup of orange juice

A handful of spinach leaves (optional)

Ice cubes

#tropicalparadise #tropicalvibes #tropical #islandlife #paradise #travel #tropicalisland #beach #beachlife #travelgram #nature #travelphotography #beautifuldestinations #beachvibes #vacation #islandvibes #5 minute vegan garlic noodles #ketodiet

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hotniatheron · 1 year

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i love vampires bc that sounds like the worst existence on planet earth. you’d truly have to be low down bottom of the barrel scraping to say yes to that

#you're always hungry. you can't die. you can't eat soup anymore. no garlic bread. no beach at sunrise. cold.

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thegarlicartist · 2 years

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Vampires deserve a vacation too!

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upsidedownwithsteve · 1 month

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COMING SOON

The Harrington wasn’t necessarily the largest hotel on this side of the Italian coast, but it was certainly the most expensive.

Built into the mountains of Sorrento, the white and clay coloured building looked more like a country manor, with ivy trailing from the trellis’ and climbing the walls. The windows had blue shutters that matched the colour of the sea that bordered the private patch of beach but the large, rectangular pool was a shocking cerulean colour that was seen even from the island across the bay.

It was your favourite spot, always basked in Italian sunlight, the heat bouncing off of the patterned tiles. There were wooden cabana beds dotted around the pool edge, deep oak wood and sheer white linen curtains hanging from all four posts. They billowed gently in the sea breeze, showing off the pile of plush cushions inside, the gold tray on the mattress that sat waiting for glasses of sangria and saucers of martinis.

Lemon trees bordered the property, tart citrus mixing with the salt air and by eight o’clock in the evening, the restaurant next door opened its doors and the smell of fresh pasta and garlic engulfed the outdoor patio. There was red wine on tap, a clawfoot tub by the window in your suite and a white robe with your name embroidered on the chest ready for your arrival.

It’s why you came back each time, two weeks, every summer. (Plus a weekend in October, a few days in early spring, a day here and there when you needed a new handbag, a new pair of authentic leather loafers from Milan.)

That, and the owner's son, of course.

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington smut #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington oneshot

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lovinpelova · 5 months

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secret santa | j. fleming

summary; jessie leaves your real present at home. [SMUT]

🎵 right my wrongs - bryson tiller

you watched on excitedly as millie opened her present from you, a massive grin appearing on her face once she caught sight of the white t-shirt you'd had custom made for her. a cartoon drawing of her and rachel was in the middle alongside their dogs by their feet, a massive 'daly dose of brightness' calligraphy sign above them as they pointed up to it, millie looking up and finding you immediately as she knew only you would get her something like that.

"i'm putting this on right now!"

she stood up to take off her shirt and modelled for the girls when they wolf-whistled at the sight of her shirtless, quickly putting on her new shirt and continuing to model it as you all cheered her on. the defender made her lap of the group whilst doing a model walk and arrived at you, kissing your forehead with a thanks before sitting down again. emma picked up a gift from the pile in the middle of you all and read the name, looking up to find you.

"think fast!"

she threw it towards you and applauded when you caught it with ease, slightly disappointed you didn't let it drop. the present was shaped like a flat rectangle and light, the price limit on your secret santa was twenty-five pounds so you had no idea what it could be, all the girls watching to see what it was as you tore it open. you noticed it was a 2024 calendar - cleary personalised - with the back showing twelve pictures of your teammates dressed up in stupid outfits matching the seasons.

january was erin and guro wearing new years hats with partyblowers in their mouths, february was jessie holding a heart-shaped pillow and wearing a hat that said 'happy valentines day' whilst blowing a kiss to the camera, april was jess dressed up like the easter bunny and mia sneaking out of frame with a basket full of eggs, june was zecira and lauren wearing hawaiian shirts with sunglasses on a fake beach whilst pushing their cocktail glasses together in cheers, october was niamh and fran dressed in matching vampire costumes alongside guro fighting them off with a garlic clove and wooden stake and december was all of the girls in different christmas jumpers surrounded by presents.

the remaining months were just your teammates wearing random things and being stupid if there wasn't any specific holidays, one of them being millie dressed up as a firefighter and pretending to slide down a pole with one leg popped up behind her and a finger on her pouting lips, a running inside joke on your team being that she'd make a great firefighter purely for the 'sexy' calendar photoshoots they have.

"oh this is so cute! best present ever."

you commented whilst flicking through the months and showing your teammates your favourites, getting slightly distracted on february but quickly snapping out of it once erin started teasing you for shamelessly staring at jessie. there could have only been one person who came up with this thoughtful idea and actually went through with it, no one but your girlfriend would take the time to make such a cute gift. you quickly stood up and walked over to the canadian whilst kissing her on the cheek, thanking her quietly as she smiled brightly with a blush, so happy you liked the gift but still growing a little shy once you kissed her.

the rest of the girls opened their presents and were all happy with what they received, sitting and talking for an hour or so before some people started to leave once emma dismissed you all from the team bonding session. jessie informed you earlier that she had another gift waiting at home, claiming she forgot to bring it as she was in a hurry that morning but wanting you to open it when you got back to your shared place anyways. your curiosity got the better of you and you'd practically dragged your girlfriend out of cobham training grounds towards your car, ignoring the chuckle she'd let out when you were beginning to grow restless out of anticipation.

"come on we're literally there! you might as well tell me what it is."

"sorry baby, no can do."

jessie refused for the umteenth time after you asked her to say what your actual gift was, unlocking the door to your shared apartment and letting you in first as she watched you practically sprint towards the bedroom where you knew it would be. you saw a neat box laying on the bottom of your bed with a red bow over it, picking it up to see there was no brand name or indication of what it could be. you carefully untied the ribbon with jessie leaning against the doorframe as she watched on with a smirk, grinning when you took off the lid and gasped at what you saw.

a black lace lingerie set was neatly laid out in the box in front of you, your eyes unable to leave it as you'd never worn anything like that before and didn't think jessie would be into it. (future you would be screaming about just how into it jessie is.)

"you like it?"

you turned to jessie and nodded your head shyly, kicking off your shoes by the end of the bed and pulling the set out of the box, holding it up to find thankfully she hadn't bought you a thong as you didn't like wearing them. it was a simple black lace lingerie set- yet you were obsessed. you hurried into the ensuite as jessie sat down on your side of the bed patiently, slowly getting more and more riled up at the thought of you in lingerie just for her, thinking about how gorgeous you'd look in the set and that she was definitely going to make you keep it on somehow as she fucked you later on.

she was knocked out of her thoughts by you opening the ensuite door and leaning against the doorframe shyly, not knowing what to do with yourself as jessie took you in and chuckled at your awkward nature when it came to things like this. she waved you over with a massive grin playing on her face, shamelessly checking you out as your arms went around her neck whilst you straddled her lap when she moved to lean against the headboard, squealing at the unexpected slap she landed to your ass before squeezing it.

"you like it?"

you repeated her earlier question in a teasing manner, watching the way her eyes wouldn't stay still as they roamed all over your body alongside her hands.

"god, i love it. this is so much better than i ever could've imagined. you get more beautiful by the day."

you blushed at her endless array of compliments as she babbled them out like she was drunk, lips moving forward to take the skin above your breasts and below your collarbone into her teeth as she bit harshly, grinning at the hiss of pain you exerted before she ran her tongue over it whilst sucking. she continued this all over your chest and neck, moving to flip you over so she could move her lips down your stomach and repeat her actions, loving the way your hands tangled in her hair and breathing picked up. the canadian looked up to see your chest rising and falling at a faster rate, absolutely adoring the way your bra was hugging your breasts in all the right ways to drive her feral; she couldn't help but move back up to your chest and pay them extra special attention once she was done with your stomach.

"god i love your tits. they look so fucking gorgeous right now- i'm gonna go insane."

"the least you could do is fuck me before i commit you to an insane asylum then."

jessie shook her head at your stupid joke, chuckling alongside you as she leaned down to kiss you sweetly, moving her lips down your neck to make more marks.

"if i could i'd take a picture to make sure this moment never ends."

"i never said you couldn't."

you smirked up at her, watching her eyes light up as you nodded your head in approval of her questioning glance. the midfielder reached for her bedside table and found her polaroid amongst her mini collection of cameras, positioning the lens in a way that only showed the bottom of your jaw all the way down to the waistband of your underwear, quickly taking a picture and placing the camera back on her drawer to sort out later on. her lips quickly found their way to your inner thighs and continued the trail of love bites she'd set herself on a mission of making, teeth wrapping around your waistband and pulling back before letting go, grinning at the whine you let out when it snapped back against your skin.

unable to control herself anymore, her fingers dipped under and softly began rubbing your clit to earn a moan of her name, your legs spreading open further in a silent plea as jessie moved her digits down to your entrance and prodded them both in slowly to not stretch you out too painfully. you pulled her into a heated kiss as she moved her free hand to massage your breast over the bra she'd gotten you, your hands tangling into her hair and tugging when she started moving her fingers. she quickly built you up and attached her mouth to your nipple over the bra, curling her fingers simultaneously as you pushed her head further into you and arched your back with a groan of pleasure.

"you're so fuckin' sexy babygirl. been dreaming of havin' you wear something like this for months now."

"won't be the last time if you keep fucking me this good every time i wear it."

you promised with a wink whilst keeping back your moans, throwing back your head as she observed the way your body was reacting to her hand. she was curling her fingers into your g-spot, pulling out every now and then to tease as she rubbed your wetness over your puffy clit frantically before going back to finger-fucking you like her life depended on it, loving the way you were whimpering at the loss of her digits every time. you grabbed her wrist when you felt her pulling out and gave her a look of warning, loving the way she cowered under your gaze and stopped the games with a peck on your lips in apology.

her thrusts started to get rougher and more forceful when she began to take in your body again, the sight of you getting fucked in lingerie riling her up to no end as she moaned, no longer keeping the thoughts of what she wanted to do to you at bay. jessie felt your walls clamping down on her fingers every time she pushed them in, growing tighter with each thrust whilst she groaned in response to the feeling of your arousal flooding her fingers.

"you gonna cum baby? am i fucking you good?"

"m'gonna cum- don't stop!"

you begged continuously as she kissed along the love bites she'd left behind in response, moving her thumb up at an awkward angle to rub your clit in tight circles whilst your nails raked blood-red trails down her back like she'd just been mauled by a tiger. jessie grunted in pain whilst biting her lip to distract herself from it, focusing on making you feel as good as possible.

"gonna be a good girl and look pretty whilst you cum all over my fingers?"

"m'your good girl."

"that's right baby. such a pretty princess. dressing up for me and letting me fuck you like this, such a good girl. my good girl."

that's all it took for the floodgates to open and your mouth to start letting out as many expletives as you could think of, nails continuing to make their mark on her waist and back as jessies hand didn't relent for one second. your breathing eventually evened out as your orgasm finally subsided, realising your girlfriend still had her fingers knuckle-deep inside you as you looked to her in confusion, seeing the dark look in her eyes as she raked them up and down your body in a way that said 'i'm not done with you yet' whilst she turned you over so you were straddling her again.

oh, she was gonna fuck you so good.

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dianaashworth · 2 years

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Gastronomic Interlude!

Norfolk Edge beach cafe at Winterton, Norfolk Amazing what you find while looking for little terns. Young men cooking marvellous food! Skilled and efficient and rightly proud of their superb beach cuisine. Here we heard the immortal words, “Does the dairy free still want truffle oil?” That’s what I call beach food! If you are anywhere near North Norfolk — check them out!

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#Beach food #Garlic prawns #Gastro-snacks #Norfolk Edge #Winterton Dunes

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fieriframes · 11 months

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[Shallots. Pancetta. Garlic. Chorizo. Roasted red peppers.]

#s24e09 south beach sizzle #guy fieri #guyfieri #diners drive-ins and dives #roasted red peppers #shallots #pancetta #garlic #chorizo

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dilemmaontwolegs · 11 months

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Not A Verstappen: Gridlocked {1}

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!driver!reader x Lando Norris Summary: Charles and Lando come to your apartment for the thank you dinner as promised. Warnings: 18+ only, sexual tension, alcohol, touching? WC: 2.4k F1 Masterlist NAV: Sibling Rivalry One || Two || Three NAV: Gridlocked One || Two || Three || Four

Black smoke billowed out of the pan you thought you had turned off and you rushed to toss it in the sink before opening a window. The breeze was a moment too late to clear the air of the dark tendrils snaking higher and they soon reached the smoke detector, the piercing sound of its alarm filling your kitchen.

“Shit,” you cursed as you tried to jump and hit the detector to shut it off but you were just too short. “Double shit.”

A knock sounded at your door and you threw it open, grabbing whoevers hand it was and dragging them inside. “Thank god, hit that fucking thing for me will you?” you asked, realising it was Charles who had arrived on time, unsurprisingly.

His nose wrinkled at the heavy stench of smoke and he rose onto his toes to reach up and turn off the alarm. “You look like you have been, um…creative.”

You smiled at the attempt of a compliment before laughing at the situation. In the cold pan on the stove were the chicken breasts that were meant to be frying and you slapped your forehead as you realised you had turned the wrong element on. “Looks like we are going out to dinner, which is probably safer. I don’t think I could have kept my promise not to give you food poisoning by the looks of it.”

“I’m not dressed to go out,” he said as he looked down at his polo and chinos.

“Are you kidding me? You look like a damn model.”

“Thanks. It’s not easy being this handsome,” Lando said as he walked in the front door that was still open, a bottle of wine in his hands. “I see your cooking skills are as good as mine.”

“Har-har,” you drawled as you reached into the cupboards and got three wine stems out. “Liquid dinner it is.”

“Haven’t you sworn off drinking?” Charles asked as he rummaged around your cutlery drawers, finding the corkscrew for Lando.

“Pfft, that was just for summer break to stop the PR team from riding my ass,” you said with a grin. “Plus, you two won’t let me get into trouble. At least not too much.”

The cork popped open and Charles took the bottle from Lando to read the label. “I don’t think we have anything to worry about,” he laughed as he handed the Prosecco back.

“What?” Lando asked with a frown as he turned it around to see the label. “The lady at the shop said this was good.”

“Sure, for an afternoon at the beach, but it won’t get you drunk.”

You took the bottle from his hands and kissed his cheek to erase the pout on his face. “It is the perfect starter course, and my bar is fully stocked with the hard stuff.”

“No,” Charles sighed as he took the bottle and poured three drinks. “I’m sure there is something salvageable to eat. No drinking on an empty stomach.”

You raised your glass to him. “I wish you luck, my kitchen is cursed.”

He tapped his glass with yours and winked. “I’m a miracle worker, watch me.”

You sat with Lando at the kitchen table as he showed you some photos he had taken throughout the year that hadn’t been posted online, keeping you entertained with stories that would get him in trouble if they ever got out. Every now and then you would check on Charles who familiarised himself with your kitchen, opening and closing all the cupboards and drawers before sighing.

“Admit defeat yet?”

His green eyes narrowed at you from across the room. “Never. I just can’t find any- of nevermind. What is this monstrosity?” He pulled a large jar out of the fridge and grimaced at the sight.

“Crushed garlic,” you said obviously but he grew even more offended by the jar as he held it at arms length away.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered as he opened the lid and sniffed it. “It will do, I suppose.”

“What are you cooking?” Lando asked as he saw the ingredients lined up on the bench.

“Chicken pesto pasta.” He didn’t even look up as he sliced some limes up, muttering that lemons would have been better.

“See, this is what I was looking for,” you said to Lando as you rested your chin on your hand watching Charles navigate the kitchen comfortably. “He cooks for me, you did my laundry, you’re both good looking and funny. That’s what I need from a man, I need the love child of Charlando. I give up. It’s impossible. I’m never going to find that.”

“Okay, this definitely isn’t going to be enough,” Lando said as he took the almost empty glass from your hand and rose from the chair. You and Charles both watched him cross over to the wet bar and tap his fingers along his lips as he debated what spirits to choose. “We need to cheer you up, I’m thinking tequila sunrise or strawberry daiquiri?”

“And music,” Charles added as he diced an onion that had been hiding at the back of your refrigerator for who knows how long. “Not mine, because it’s all depressing.”

“So music and drinks…why don’t we just go out?”

Neither looked happy at your suggestion and they both shook their heads. “I’m not in the mood for a lecture from your brother,” Lando admitted.

Lando plugged his phone into your stereo and some soft pop song started to play in the background as Charles said, “And it's too loud to talk in a club. This is nice, no?”

“I guess the company is half decent,” you teased.

Charles chuckled and beckoned you over with a curl of his finger that had a dollop of creamy pesto sauce on the end. “Taste test.”

Your stomach clenched as you parted your lips for him and his eyes held yours, the moment too intimate to dare break. His lips parted with a silent sigh when your tongue rolled over the pad of his finger, and he took a harsh breath as your lips sealed around it and sucked it clean.

“Hmmm,” you moaned as the flavours coated your tongue and you pulled back, licking your lips as you did. “Oh my god, Charles, that is delicious.”

You couldn’t help noticing how the green of his eyes had been swallowed by his blown pupils or the way his throat bobbed as he swallowed twice before he could muster a response. “Now that I’ve seen your cooking, I’m sure everything else tastes delicious.”

“It’s not that bad,” you said with a laugh as your attention was pulled away and a shot glass was placed into your hand. “I thought we were having cocktails?”

“We will, but,” Lando said as he reached past Charles to grab the salt before he sprinkled a line across his hand. “Tequila first, sunrise later.” He grabbed a wedge of lime next and pinched it between his teeth with a daring curl of his eyebrow.

The food was forgotten as Charles watched you wrapped your fingers around Lando’s wrist before running your tongue across his skin. The grains of salt coated your tongue as you raised the glass to your lips and tipped the liquor back under their heated stares. You swallowed the liquor and inhaled the fiery burn that followed as you eyed up lime waiting between Lando’s lips.

This moment balanced on a knife's edge and you could feel how influential it could be on making or breaking the friendship you had with both Lando and Charles. This was the line in the sand that once you crossed there could be no return.

No one dared to breathe. No one dared to move.

They were waiting for you.

You licked your lips of the salty spirit residue and stepped closer to him. Your fingers trailed up his neck to tease the short hairs on his nape as you pulled his head down to meet yours and you bit the lime, tearing it from his lips as the sour juice ran down your chin.

“You’re a bad influence,” you teased as you wiped away the excess and stepped back.

The tension in the air evaporated with his proud grin and Charles chuckled as he turned back to the pan before it burned for a second time.

“I’m just trying to cheer you up,” he replied innocently.

He made his way back to the wet bar with a little dance that had you laughing again. “It’s working.”

The sunset made the perfect backdrop over Monte-Carlo as you stepped out onto the balcony with a plate in each hand and placed them on the small square table. The music drifted out from the french doors after Lando queued enough songs to last the night and joined you and Charles with the extra strong drinks he had made.

“We should do this more often,” you said as a calm settled within you and you watched the yachts dotting the sea beyond the marina.

“What should we toast to?” Lando asked as he placed your glass in front of you, the cocktail matching the orange skyline.

“Single life?” you offered, earning a snort from him as he dropped into the seat beside you, mirroring Charles on the other side.

“How about the hunt?” Charles joked and you groaned at the reminder. “Since we are all looking for love now.”

“Not me,” you surprised them. “I’ve deleted every dating app from my phone and given up. I might even get a cat to keep me company.”

“I thought ‘a girl had needs’?” Lando teased with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

“Nothing a little self love can’t take care of,” you muttered to your drink as you took a sip, making Charles choke on his. “What? It’s true. You can’t tell me that you don't use your hand out when you need it.”

“We definitely need to do this more often,” Lando chuckled as he spared a fork full of extremely overcooked pasta.

Charles sent a grin across the table to Lando before their eyes turned to you, a mischievous glint reflecting in both pairs as Charles agreed with a nod.

“Then let’s cheers to that,” you said as you raised your glass.

“To the three of us,” Charles winked, clinking your glasses.

“The three of us.”

The empty plates were neatly stacked and the last rays of light had long disappeared, but you weren’t ready for the night to be over. The air was growing cold and the fading solar lights dotted around the deck were starting to attract bugs, interrupting the peaceful lull in conversation.

“Do you want to stay and watch a movie? You probably shouldn’t drive anyway.” You hoped your question didn’t sound too eager and tried to cover it up with the logical statement. It was needless though as they both perked up at the offer and started to clear the table.

“I’m up for a movie night,” Lando agreed as he took the glasses, leaving Charles to take the plates. “Another round?”

“Yes, please. I’ll meet you on the couch.”

You went to your room and changed out of the jeans and top you were wearing, opting for an oversized white AlphaTauri shirt you often slept in instead, before dragging the quilt off your bed. You switched the lights off around the apartment as you passed them and flopped down onto the couch between the two men who had been quietly chatting. Lando reached for the refilled glasses on the coffee table and handed you yours as you asked, “What are we watching?”

“Nothing sad or Charles will cry,” he said with a little laugh as he helped spread the blanket over everyone.

“And nothing with shooting or Lando will cry,” Charles shot back with his own teasing smirk.

“And nothing with romance or I will cry,” you added as you swiped up the remote and scrolled through the options on Netflix. “Guess that leaves horror. Paranormal Activity?”

You wanted to look away but you couldn’t as the crackling image on the screen only grew darker. You knew what was coming but it still didn’t stop the squeak that escaped your lips or the way your tense body startled at the jump scare.

The guys chuckled as if you hadn’t felt their legs knock yours at the sudden slam of a door and the blanket shifted until you felt a comforting hand on each thigh, resting just below the hem of the shirt. It took everything in you to keep still as their palms warmed your skin and the heat spread to your core and you felt Charles’ thumb start to draw soothing circles.

Under the guise of settling back into your skin after the fright, you laid back into the cushions and stretched your legs out. From the corner of your eye you could see Lando bite his lip as the shift left their hands even higher up your thighs, almost brushing the lace edge of your panties.

“Scared, chérie?” Charles asked, his voice a little deeper than usual.

It wasn’t the horror movie that was causing a fine tremor to work its way over your body, setting every nerve ending alight. And it certainly wasn’t the horror movie that was causing the goosebumps to tingle across your skin.

It had been a long time since a man came so close to you that your core was turning to molten lava without even being touched and you lost the battle to remain still, your thighs clenching together in search of friction. You could feel a second heartbeat throbbing between the juncture and as the blanket slipped down your body your peaked nipples were easy to spot through the thin material.

“Not exactly,” you uttered as Lando’s fingers squeezed your thigh, almost as if he were silently begging you to part them for him.

“You’re shaking,” Lando murmured close to your ear.

“I know,” you whispered as your throat clogged with the pleas for them to touch you, to slide their hands just another inch higher and sate the need your body craved.

You felt the touch of Charles’ shaped beard along your jaw before his lips brushed your ear. “Breathe, chérie. We’ll take care of you.”

His thumb drew another circle and your chest expanded with the softest gasp as you felt the pad of his digit run along the seam of your underwear.

Lando mirrored his friend, his breath hot on your neck where his lips set a trail of scorching fire to your ear. “Will you let us take care of you?”

Click here for part two.

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