#BREAKING DAWN BOOK ONE: Bella fucks Edward for his power & breaks his stone dick in the process - & lo! Ravioli is born in the carnage!
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if smeyer wasn't a coward vamp!Bella would have immediately eaten her daughter Rensesmem whole-hog like Saturn Devouring His Son
#twilight#twilight renaissance#bella swan#the twilight saga#breaking dawn#smeyer wanted to model all her books off of classic literature: romeo & juliet - wuthering heights - pride & prejudice#AMATEUR HOUR#HEY SMEYER I GOT A FUCKIN STORY TO MODEL YOUR TWILIGHT FANFICTION AFTER#BREAKING DAWN BOOK ONE: Bella fucks Edward for his power & breaks his stone dick in the process - & lo! Ravioli is born in the carnage!#Bella becomes a vamp. she takes over the Cullen coven AND the Volturi bc honestly fuck everyone here only Bella is Cool and Right#oh and vamp hybrids are now legal so vamps start gettin it on. hybrids everywhere. humans who? welcome to the Golden Age baybeeee#BD BOOK 2: Alice comes to Queen Bella with a vision: 'lmao bestie the prophecy says ur getting ur shit smacked'#oh_fuck.avi#Bella begins DEVOURING ALL THE CULLENS INCLUDING RAVIOLI so they can't fulfill the prophecy#vampire fluid contains 11 secret herbs & spices so it's lip-smackin finger-lickin good#omg but ONE vampire was hidden away........ gasp#surprise bitch! it's Ravioli!#turns out Bella mistook Ravioli for LITERAL Ravioli (Chef Boyardee Beefaroni to be exact)#Raviolo comes back and makes Bella throw up! bleh! the Cullens (& Beefaroni) are freed!#together with Benjamin Ravioli now rules over the Cullens and the vamp world#Bella is imprisoned#FUCK Bella#FUCK this story#still a better one than BD tho#the end
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I made my girlfriend watch all the twilight movies in two days and this is what she thought. Notes written live by me while watching the movies and the discussion after word. Many times was the movie paused to give better insight to what was written or explained in the novels that’s lacking from the movies, and general debates on smeyer’s intention or consistency with details and powers of vampires. Side notes are in pink and are me
Twilight
Are we having a Bambi intro, seriously
Bella has no personality dude, this ruined her (kristen’s) career
No Phoenician has ever been like that, no one from Phoenix misses Phoenix. (We are from Phoenix)
Volley ball scene: um is she high? Why does she look stoned while playing volleyball?
Yelling what the fuck over the bio class scene
You can tell Rob didn’t give a shit during the onion bio scene
Bella Italian dinner scene. “I can read every mind but yours” looks back at me knowingly and butt wiggles. “Also he is such a creep”
Meadow scene, ask me the most basic question, “2+2” what do we eat? “Ooohhhh”
Clair de lune?! You might as well sprinkle parmesan in her hair and call her a snack.
Hysterical drunk laughing
James fight- OH MY GOD, STOP WITH ALL THE GODDAMN CANTED SHOTS NOTHING IS FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT THIS SCENE!!!!
This is the last scene?! We get this happily ending that transitions to some fucking weird ass scene of Victoria that becomes the credits? What the fuck?
NEW MOON
You won’t love me when I look like your grandma “you don’t know what I like!!”
After the goodbye scene- oh god what a terrible scene
She’s just gonna wander around the forest until night and sob on the floor?
Wolves show up, “oh yeah obviously”
Is the rest of this movie Bella just sitting around and sad? Honestly that’s better because we saw too much of them together in the first movie. What a boring montage, this is the lowest effort they could’ve done. Well just swap out the window shot and use title cards.
Nightmares- this just sounds like she’s in childbirth, this doesn’t make any sense.
Stop biting your fucking lip, you’re gonna tear it off
Oh my god, she doesn’t want to listen to music because it reminds her of him? “I remember that he used to breathe air”
Wolf fight- wow this is actually good CG
Cliff diving- I love that every time Bella wants to be reckless she must immediately suffer the consequences of her actions
There’s a vampire, I can smell it. “Yeah, no shit, he’s a fucking wolf”
Jacob and Ed in the clearing over Bella- we’ll see who’s dick wins out in the end
I love that smeyer thinks that Bella has the power because she’s forcing the boys to choose, like she just has all the power in her pussy 😹
The proposal- that’s the end?! Jesus Christ, I’d be so angry if I saw this in theaters. I was about to say that new moon did way better than the first one and then they ended the movie like that.
ECLIPSE - a day later
——-I forgot to live write this so I started during the final fight scene, but....Most of the movie is arguing about how Alice’s powers work and their limits and that they’re basically just present when Smeyer deems them to be and don’t work when smeyer doesn’t want to think about them (which isn’t wholly incorrect but the movie have far less explanation than the books on powers and Alice’s abilities as a human)
Also that Jacob is clearly a terrible and giltripping manipulative man, and Edward is a mostly decent just good boyfriend that isn’t trying to force Bella to go his way, though has these dumb immature jealous moments like kissing Bella for a little too long before letting Jacob bring her on to the Rez.
Groaning that Bella cannot just explain platonic love to Jacob after the fight in Jacobs room.
The ending of this movie is the same as the previous one, this is exactly how new moon ended.
Honestly though the cold ones feel more like stone golems rather than people.
BREAKING DAWN P1
Opening sweeping shot- Looks like a Harry Potter movie, “this is where twilight gets serious”
Renee getting the invitation is cute
The heel walking shot with Alice has a weird green screen backdrop on Bella, it’s obvious. Doesn’t look very good, and the frame rate must be different or something, oh it’s distracting and bad. This movie has to be shot on site otherwise it’s so obvious.
Ed’s confession of killing murderers - “this man’s will power is ridiculous” “like he justifies his bloodlust by specifically going after murderers and rapists”
“Rob and Kristen do a great job in this movie. Emmet’s interruption isn’t awful looking and doesn’t make sense to their brother relationship
Wedding vision- the dress code is so weird. “No shit, you’re let of something way bigger” “ugh the blood on her hand” they made it look really good visually but this scene is fucking asinine
The actual wedding- “this is weird, it’s like Melania trump designed this. Just white”
“This is a weird moment, so strange.”
Was the kiss scene intentionally uncomfortable?
Emmet’s toast “oh no, weird awkward”
Jessica’s toast “no to all of that”
Charlie’s toast ‘starts clapping ironically at on the I’m a cop line’
“All the toasts after awful and they just want us to sit through all of this? Ugh”
The Jacob, kind is my middle name line- “More like jealous is my middle name” lol
Driving away from the wedding. “This is a good scene, it’s 50/50 in these movies but this is really good and the music choice is good”
Getting food out of the fridge- “is she pregnant already?! He’s got some potent fucking dick”
Kaure touching Bella’s stomach, “on no you’re fucked bitch” Kaure says death, “I fucking called it” this is some Death stranding bullshit
It’s baffling that we’re supposed to like Jacob
Bell’s pregnancy and cracked rib scene, debating over smeyers abortion beliefs and how little Sense the whole pregnancy thing and everyone’s reactions to it, make.
Edward wearing blue button up shirt “why does he have the sexiest shirt from H&M on right now?”
Jacob realizing the cullens would die for Bella “Yeah no the cullens are family, you fucking asshole” “other people are people too” 😹😹
Rolls eyes at EJ, Renesme “that’s fucking dumb” Ed talks over Jacob thinking it’s weird “did Ed just cuck him out of answering that question if it’s weird?”
Post birth “Jesus fucking Christ. She should be dead though they just tore out her stomach”
Jacob readying to kill Eddie and saying he deserve to live with Bella’s Death “what the hell, like dude?!”
——-Btw Camille Constantly refers to the vampires as rock people after learning that they crumble like stone statues. And continues to do this most of the movies.
Realizing Jacob imprinted on the baby screaming “OH NO!” “This is a meet cute” “that was him and this baby falling in love”
The montage of Bella’s life “this is so fucking odd” “what the fuck was the point of that?”
Side note: Upon learning that vampires see UV light, “do they like raves a lot or is it light blinding to vampires?” “When does that even come up? Why is it in the book, what the fuck?”
BREAKING DAWN P2
I love that Volturi were just uninvolved for like two books and now they’re back in time to cause problems for the cullens.
“Oh they have super vision, great.”
“Them running in the forest looks really bad, it’s just fucking bizarre” some the barren screen shots are not good, I can’t believe they sent this.
Seeing reneseme “Aaahhhh” “it’s not real, no, it’s not reall it’s a deep fake, it’s a deep fake”
Immediately says exactly how reneseme ages and will lock at a certain age so Jacob is just a pedo forever. “This is awful”
Bella hitting Jacob “this is great”
You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness minster “that’s perfectly written for Kristen Stewart like? also I thought reneseme was bad, Nessie is worse”
Jacob seeing Charlie “oh no Jacob’s dumb. This is terrible” she had to change. “Oh Christ, this is so dumb”
Jacob stripping/Charlie saying som out your clothes on “this is the gayest shit, what the fuck” (he’s bi)
When Jacob says Bella wished she was cool enough to turn into an animal “Jacob what the fuck? Jesus fucking Christ”
All the cool/interesting stuff happens in this movie dude
Edwards speech to the group of vamps “this is why rob will make a good Batman, this is a Batman speech”
Every time we see renesme emile groans or says ew
Jacob complaining about bloodsuckers “quit being racist” like dude come on
The battlefield group shot before voltiri arrive. “They have like little squads”
“Aro is so creepy, I love it. He’s having fun” “his creepy little smile like oooh a baby”
Mimicking aro’s weird cackle
Jacob growling at aro “You’re a dummy wolf and I’m goddamn Dracula” and other dog related mocking
More lines referring to Aro only as Dracula
Fight begins “this is so insane, it’s ridiculous” late on “I did not think this is where this was going, I’ll be honest”
Tanya ripping a man’s head off by the mouth “the fucking metal”
Realizing the battle is an Alice vision “that’s pretty sick actually, oh wow”
Volturi rushing out of the field: laughing “why the fuck would they walk normally anyway, I was waiting for this”
Alice’s vision of Renesme, Jacob, Ed and Bella on the beach- “yeah that’s reassuring but still never call me dad 😹” “actually just don’t date my daughter”
HOW WAS THE EXPERIENCE? 1-10 scale
“Whiplash”
“I had some prior knowledge but I didn’t realize that this was all mainly in the last part of breaking dawn, and I don’t expect to like Kristen and Robert’s chemistry on screen and that Edward is actually a good boyfriend and that Jacob is pretty much a mess like the whole time.” “There’s just a lot of badness overall”
End cap
There was many hours of long discussions on what smeyer was thinking and that Twilight is essentially a Mormon woman’s self insert fic of a teen girl meeting a vampire boyfriend and fulfilling some strange pregnancy Fetish/fantasy and going on to have her regular Mormon married with kids happy ending lol. This was a wild ride over two days and my face hurt from laughing, but she ultimately enjoyed watching the movies with me and wanted to know if this was what I wanted when we decided to watch them together. It was!
#twilight#twilight rewatch#smeyer#react#gf reacts#gf watched twilight for the first time#og twilight book fan shows gf the movies#updated bc my gf is trans!
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